#once im done with class in a week

[dilfpassing]

In a perfect world I'd sit down and make art all day long but unfortunately I am afflicted with executive functioning issues and many mental illnesses which prevent me from using my leisure time productively

#i wasted basically my whole day today #i got a little done but nothing for ME #and then this week im BUSY doing shit i dont WANT to do #monday i stay an hour late at work and then have class an hour after that #and once im done class im so pissed off and theres no time to do anything worthwhile #then tuesday i have plans with my aunt that i cant miss bc its instructions for future pet sitting plans #wednesday i have free time but im going to spend it on commissions and then i have a yoga class in the evening #then thursday i have class again #RAAAHHH #friday i have plans too #and saturday #and sunday #i just want to draw #screaming and crying i have so many ideas but no drive or time to complete then

[selkiecoded]

my gender class is SO difficult bc there are morbillion things i want to talk about for each topic and i have to constantly narrow it down to one or two things for every two units. devastating.

#want to talk abt 'geek masculinity' and o human star and to strip the flesh and utena and bmc and gender in relation to performing arts and #doing utena for this weeks media reflection on performance; probably talk abt geek masculinity as expressed by pop culture detective in my #next reading reflection (which talks about media less than the media reflection); then probs o human star in my media reflection once we're #done talking about masculinity/femininity and.. institutions i think? #BUT ITS SO HARD!!!!!!!! was showing my prof the kevins college tips meme #(1. take womens history class 2. talk about wanting to learn HER story instead 3. collect panties) #and i mentioned geek masculinity and he was like you should write abt that in your reflection! and im like THERES SO MUCH I WANT TO WRITE!! #wait and im a trans woman im not coming out......... AGUGUUHHHHHHGHGH #everyone else in the class needs to leave it needs to just be me and the prof in there i got too much to say

[stupid-dyke]

stayed up til 3 when I have an 8am again. I do this because I hate myself so sos sososososososososo much. It's really funny because I don;t fall asleep in class thanks to my meds but I've noticed every time I go to class after 4 hrs sleep people act weird around me which is how I know im acting really weird. And I am so extremely angry at myself. I spent 4 hours. well 8 hours. Well all day. Pretending I'm going to do homework and distracting myself with various other things on my laptop or crying on the phone to my parents. Got zerooooo work done at all i stayed up most of the nihght for literally no gain whatsoever this is pure self harm. Which I do becauase again I hate myself. Because I didn't do my work. Which i won't do tomorrow either because i'll be so tired I wont be able to string a sentence together even though I'm supposed to give a presentation haha. My favorite activity is staring at the clock on my laptop getting later and later and later. new high score etc. Who's a hypersomniac now. Imagine how much easier this semester would have been if I'd gone to bed before 2am ever. I'm so fucking angry at myself I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep now even. If I fail my classes again my parents are gonna make me live at home forever and say im too crazy to live on my own. I know I was supposed to get a therapist but I hate them all so, so, so much. I think people get that job bc they feel powerful telling some pathetic person what to do knowing I literally cannot do it and will come back week after week admittingn failure and paying

I know I was supposed to take the new experimental FDA approved drug for IH but the list of side effects is fucking terrifying and I live and sleep alone so i really don't want to take a super powerful sedative that can make you stop breathing. So I'm gonna keep taking stimualnts and lying to myself that today is the last day I stay up extremely late for no reason.

#it's really sad I'll skip the meds sometimes to try to sleep and it doesn't even help. I just feel worse while awake. #The real reason i can't sleep is because im screwing myself over by doing no work and im terrified im going to fail my fucking classes #and theyre all going to say im crazy if I fail my classes. theyre going to say im crazy and I self sabotaged on purpose #bc i dont want to succeed. Dad says that every day #Dad loves telling me everytjhing wrong with me multiple times a day every day so i never ever forget #hes so helpful. He's trying so hard to help. If i dont answer the phone he starts worrying ive committed suicide #again i was suicidal one week in 2019. Get the fuck over it. You've literally threatened to kill yourself multiple times. Fucking hypocrite #a bunch of my friends are going to graduate this semester and best case scenario i graudate next semester and then I'll lose touch with eve #ybody #and then the good times are over and life is boring and hell forever and ill get more disabled every year until I can't work and then I'll #run out of money and die #you know when I talked to my genetics professor about the alzheimer's results he said somethign will kill you eventually and it #wont be that unless you live to old age which will be good! #so true bestie. so ture #Guys lets be real here. Why the fuck. Do we live. why. It is so goddamn hard. Maybe it;s easy when u get sleep . But that hasn't happened t #me for a while #all my classes end next week and i havent done most assignments since spring break #also over spring break my parents met w a lawyer to revise their will adn afterwards dad told me im executor and explained to me what will #happen after each person in my family dies. #the assumption is that I will outlive everyone. they don't think my sister will live to old age adn they are already old #the lawyer apparently has clients with the same disability as me and all of them had the same thing happen. Once they get another disabilit #and get older it becomes impossible to manage IH and they cant work til retirement age #i just spent an hour typing this shit instead of sleeping. 4am-730am sleep lets go. I should kill myself #i hate my parents fucking advicce bc they;; be like well when i was ur age I was married it sure must suck to be single!!!! fuck you guys f

[intertexts]

prime defenders... save me prime defenders...

#dude oh my god. suddenly i am feeling just fucking dogshit. #had a phil paper due friday i ENTIRELY forgot about because he mentioned it in class Once & ive been having too big of insane anxiety week #2 even open blackboard. two art history papers. big type project. also every fucking moment im minorly being like oh my god. im gonna die #t 20 and my mom is gonna have to go through my room & stuff & its gonna fuck up my whole family. also literally i havent done Any #other class work because of hyperfixation brain. what the hell is wrong with me dude!!!! #SORRY. sorry. having a fucking moment if u followed me for art or something that sucks for u bad decision on ur part <3 #neg #txt

[artemisbarnowl]

I'm doing it gang I'm going to sleepy time yoga

#i also got one of them welcome unlimited entry for 2 week passes so im going to try classes like Pilates regular beginner yoga and BARRE #ive done the maths in terms of what classes i want to attend and the pass cost and length and its costing sbout 5 dollars a class #which gives me a good overview on the options then i can pick my fave one or two and go a norma once or twice a week #instead of every day

[merry-the-cookie]

I FINISHED. THE GOTDAM EPISODE I FINISHED THE STORYBOARD I AM DOOOOOOOONE

I DID IT I FINISHED THE EPISODE!!!!!! FUUUUUCK!!!

i have a week long break now i am so going to SLEEP and also NOT DRAW ANIMALS my god. my god!!!! i finished the storyboard!!!! a 20 minutes long episode!!!!!!!! my very first professional storyboard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! might cry!!! with relief ghkjGHDJFGJDF

#that last stretch there was PURE HELL...... HATED IT #okay give me tonight and maybe also tomorrow and then ill be human again fdhjKGHJDF #i gotta go to the studio tomorrow for the brief for the next episode and then i have my music classes but after that. im gonna sleep so much #i have. so many messages ghfjgfhkjdgf iM SO SORRY #but also im gonna draw. fanart #and im gonna work on the merch stuff #and im gonna write #and im gonna play instruments my god i have left them to gather dust #anyways im. im gonna go pass out now fhj>GHJGHJDGFJFD #teresa.txt #immediatly went on to buy myself the boots and cardigans id been eyeing all week and keeping as a prize for when im done gjfkHDJSJD #a lil too much money spent at once but i deserve it #the internet exclusive edition of the boots that were sold out in my size and were suddenly back on let me tell u i was sweatin gndjHFJD

[lannisterdaddyissues]

sorry i’ve been so inactive and noncommunicative today friends!! i see all your tags and messages and asks and i love you for all of them i just don’t have the time to answer them right now 💔 but please keep tagging me in things and sending me stuff!! i love it!!! 🥹

#im just urhsgdjfhsgjrs because apparently im failing organic chemistry rn!!!!!! AND i have a c in anatomy which i rlly wanna fix!!! #ive never done this shitty in school ever ive never even gotten a c before #well except one time in a high school english class but that was because my bitch of a professor refused to grade my final essay #which was worth 25% of my grade :^) #but yeah im . not doing well rn y’all! and i DO want to fix this so im having to buckle down and cut back on tumblr besties time :( #so ill get to everything when i can but it may take around 2-5 business days because everything is hell rn </3 #real talk tho this semester has absolutely sucked ass. i feel like nothing is going right for me and i’ve tried everything :/ #i messed up really bad by taking 3 upper-level science courses at once and now i am paying a pretty huge price #BUT spring break is in one week and we’re going to adopt a new kitten then so there’s light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!!!! (temporarily)

[poorlittlevampire]

by the way idk what im supposed to do bc i don’t think the meds im on work anymore

#they worked for like two weeks and now im. #i wanna die and i feel exactly the same as i did before starting them #😐 #i think this is just life for me #i know i need to tell the psychiatrist and i will #but i think she thinks im lying to her #and she only meets over zoom so i have to do it with my mk #*mom #bc i have toooo much anxiety with video calls and cant do them alone (pathetic i know) #and my mom doesnt really believe me eithwr #so they kinda just gang up on me lol and idk how to express that smthn isnt working when they both think im just lying #ALSO i have no hope for the new therapist bc she told me that the goal is for me to be DONE with therapy in a year #like as if its a class. and i pass it and move on #and we only meet like twice a month and she wants to move it to once a month later on #like #its so frustrating it just feels like no one believes me that i have real deep fucking issues #how do you finish therapy??????? what does that even mean????????????????? #WHATEVER #im looking online for other options in my area but there really isnt much #+ everyone is so expensive and does not take my insurance #girl i am so trapped

[honeyoats]

like i do know what our study was on. But also i don't. idk if that makes sense. i haven't actually applied the info i guess? Which is bad i know but its been so stressful skjskgjsdnfn. i'm just like. The Time Will Pass. like im trying to be really. its not gonna matter in 5 years right. You know. its gonna be fine it will End Eventually.

#and then next week i have two finals #just two Thankfully. once again grateful im only taking three classes #including one for the lab so there is no final #well the poster is the final i guess #anyway one final is on monday and another opens on thursday #which kinda. Stinks. id rather get everything done in the earlier part of the week but Fine

[skeletalheartattack]

women will sshake you like dice and baby? mousetrap

women are literally dropping cages on me because i want the cheese (🧀) so bad. for the high score or whatever

#ask #anon #honestly as a kid i never played mousetrap for the game. i just liked fucking around with the contraption #though im sure thats how it was for most people right #that said. when i was a kid i watched a lot of early youtube videos #and i use to watch this one channel that was like. rube goldberg contraptions in someones house. #i think it was a japanese channel cause like when the contraption was done a little flag with a japanese symbol would flip up #or something like that. #anyway. so if my memory is correct. the video titles were called ''Mousetrap'' and then stuff in japanese... i think #but basically in fourth grade. we had smart boards and every once in a while wed do this quiz for telling us what dog we were #and like. i got it in my head somehow that this meant i could convince my teacher to get us to watch youtube videos ive watched #and. so the video(s) i kept reccomending were ''Mouse Trap Videos'' #i dont remember how she reacted to one of her students wanting to show mouse trap videos to the entire class #i mightve explained it to her what they were and that i wasnt a freak #but yeah i laugh thinking about that #thank you for the ask :) #ive gotten a bunch of asks over the past few weeks and. i just dont know how to answer them all #i feel bad most times cause i see one and im like ''fuck.... i like this ask but idk how to respond....'' #it sucks babes.... #but yeah thank you!!! sorry it took me so long to respond to your ask....

[look-at-the-stars-tonight]

I’m so so used to cramming and doing the bare minimum and still being fine and this boy is stressing me the fuck out

#I’m not working 80 hour weeks I’m just not #I barely even work 40 hour weeks because literally why should I??? #if I can get all my work done faster than that? #but this man. keeps working 80 hour weeks and then going ‘on I’m done with the study guide let’s review’ #and I’m not fucking done because I have two lesson plans I’m working on and three classes im trying to certify in in a matter of like 3 week #and I’ve only ever done once a month before #so im already stressed cause that’s a lot #literally why is he such a tryhard #who is he trying to impress #ughhhh #and my work bestie is telling me to slow down and just ignore him #idk I know I Could be doing more #not 80 hour weeks lmfao cause I don’t live to work #but I def slack off more than 50% of the time #because the other 50% I’m going way too hard #slightly less than 50% #I just can’t go full throttle all the time #and I think that’s valid of me #I hate men #I don’t even hate people who are smarter than me #like I can admit when someone is smarter or knows more #and I’m happy to give credit where credit is due #but he is NOT smarter and does NOT know more #he’s just a bootlicker ughhhhhhh #ok. I’m going to clean a bit. do some work. go in for an hour or two to help someone out. and then go party #and that’s fine. #and I might take Leah’s advice and not work this weekend

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

whaaat. if. i finish this cardigan over the weekend

#text #personal #knitting #cardigan #listen im almost done with the first sleeve and it went so fast once i knew whats up #i can deffo knock out the second one with all the class adjacent things i have this week #and i did the shoulder seams already so i just gotta do up the sides #sew on sleeves #pick up and knit collar #weave in ends #like its a Lot but. whaat if. i do it and i finish

[shamblz]

Oooooh I'm about to start threatening to quit at work

#i did it half jokingly to 1 person n if my manager heard hed probs have lost it lmao today has been shit for the whole lab n quality team #long n short -> the lab tester role was meant to be filled by a guy off the shop floor 2 or 3 months ago #the guy really wants to come up n do this job #but hes been told he has to stay in factory for another 2 weeks or more #so im doing that role #n not to be pretentious but i have a 1st class masters in chem n u could do that job without gcse science #i dont think there even letting the dude train someone to take over his role it sounds like theyre letting him leave a void #so whenever they want they can drag him back to factory #and everyone is pissed about it #we had a guy on quality team who was v qualified n they had him packing boxes for months #so he just said fuck it n quit n moved to greener pastures #n warlier i said 'im about to pull a john [redacted] if this goes on for much longer' #n i think she knew that there was some serious intent behind me saying it #i think she might be considering leaving cuz she really gets fucked about as well n works so much unpaid overtime #actually kinda hope the company crashes n burns in the next 6 months #really fucked off with today lmaoooooooo #the only thing is if i quit the lab team will be 2 ppl (3 if poor mick ever escapes the factory floor) when it used to be a team of 7 #and the people i work with are nice n i dont want to drop them in the shit #but at the same time its my life n i was only ever planning on staying for 2ish years which will be what ive done once my flat tenency ends #so. #yeah. #i think ima start applying to new jobs within the next month or so. #kinda done with small town life might see if i cant get a city job.

[zagiri]

i'm not as sick/busy anymore so ive been getting back into practicing bass and i am happy to report that i can hold and play the fucker without it destroying my shoulder and hands, also im getting better at scales

#once im done with my last online class next week i'll prolly go hard on that and try to learn a song before my next classes start in june

[iron-niffler]

fuck group projects. just fuck em.

#this whole stupid project has been a clusterfuck and i hate it #first they don't respond to or do ANYTHING over spring break (we had a 20 page paper due Wednesday after we got back) #then as we're rushing to get everything done they suddenly need to leave to study for exams so I need to pick up the slack #then we split into smaller teams to build stuff and hooooo boy #and my partner is busy with the play all week so now im spending hours and hours every day picking up his slacj #and im staying up till 5am constantly both for this class and to do all my hw for other classes #then shit hits the fan so im up till 4am desperately trying to fix everything and get it to work my laptop has broken in the process #and he's like “let's meet before class at 8 to troubleshoot” #and im like fine #so i show up and he whose done MAYBE two things for this project starts going on about how committed he is cause he's here at 8am #and im just sitting there like ...shut the fuck up #you showed up ONCE you ain't committed to shit #and now we're trying to get the whole thing together and tested and no one else in my team has fucking bothered to show up #and we need to start a test that takes 48 hours like NOW #so... great #fuck these people #fuck everything #bout to write a timeline of all the things that went wrong and made me cry to shove in my sketchbook #titling it “I want to throw this project off a building: a timeline”

[anaalnathrakhs]

hjgjhggjgjgh forgot i can't even go to the psych ward if there was magically room for my non urgent case. my mom's birthday is this weekend, and my aunt and grandma stay at our house for the following week. i need to be there for the birthday, and then i have to seem normal and present at normal hours. AND THEN IT'S THE HOLIDAYS.

#i don't want to be alive holy shit #i wanna say they're probs not gonna hospitalize me no matter how much i'd need it #so i can call and ask for an appointment or smth anything #but what if they actually CAN hospitalize me #i can't say no. but i can't say yes. #i guess i'll try something during the holidays #but in the meantime i'm missing everything im missing classes im missing homework im missing my exams #im supposed to be preparing my graduation exam and instead i rot at home because ''we're not a healthcare facility'' #i don't think i'm ever gonna change lmao once this phase is gone i fucking hope it'll go away it's just gonna turn into another problem #and i'll cycle through unlivable shit forever #like i've always done #i don't even know what to do. drop out maybe but i don't have the balls to. wait until they kick me out for good i think. #and then. idk. am i really cut out for the workforce lmao. school is safe and cozy and there's reasons im still there #bc everything else is scary and unpredictable and you have to earn your place there #i know im the problem. i know anything i do always leads to more problems. #yadda yadda yadda everybody deserves a place. but when i get kicked out of somewhere because i'm unbearable to deal with #i don't think im supposed to force my way in again #i don't know what to do. i know the way to get out of there is to force myself to do things. #but what does ''out of there'' even looks like? #no really. i don't think i've ever experienced an ''out of there'' #unless i try to go back to being a toddler which doesn't sound like the play here #everything i do always lead to more pain and that's fully because im a killjoy who can't handle two weeks of normal human life #what's the point #broadcasting my misery #vent