#okay done. just. I’m going through it

[museenkuss]

Spn blogs in my recs and they WILL NOT LEAVE.

#they’re even on my main blog now #at least for me #and like yeah I get it blood and rot and family and whatever #I think I’m getting my period soon because it usually doesn’t annoy me like this but GOD #I don’t WANT these here. #but tbh I just don’t like the fandom. it’s all very clique-y and I am so so lonely #like genuinely I haven’t felt good about a single thing I posted for that in way too long #I like WRITING but posting?? in that fandom? it’s terrible. I hate it #& I’ve taken to writing out all my frustration and anger and grief in a separate doc to be deleted before posting the main work #which is fucking. just. it’s bad. I’ve never had to do that for ANY fandom I wrote for. #and I geeeeeet that it’s because it’s such a big fandom so people know each other and it’s not like my small communities where you #parallel play in peace. but I don’t like it. it’s deeply uncomfortable and isolating and I’m so sick of it #but I also like the writing I do so I try to just stay in my niche and not look at anyone else #I think I unfollowed every fandom blog save for two? three? so I could be alone instead of lonely #but it still washes over me whenever I post something. #oh an! sometimes I’m tempted to just do something super mass appealing so they’ll like me but that just makes me feel worse #I’ve been tempted to delete my blog so many times because I lost my friends from the old fandoms and this one is the poorest substitute #but I also feel like that won’t make me happier either. I wish I’d just never started engaging w that show tbh #okay done. just. I’m going through it

[catastrxblues]

this is how organic chem feels like my eye is twitching right now

#one hour down two more to go 🥳 #and it’s 12:41 am 😁 #and i still have to go to another of these chem class tomorrow 😁 both on saturday and sunday 😁 #where i’ll have to meet people i don’t really feel like meeting right now 😁 especially not when i’m sleep deprived and tired and done #with the world 😁 just smile and go through it everybody 😁 it’s okay 😁 everything will be fine 😁 #i want to buy a dagger and stab a dictator (this is definitely directed to the already dead caesar of course of course) #chem tag #nadine.mp3

[skyward-floored]

Logically I know it’s been five years so it shouldn’t be surprising that I do actually look older then I do in the pictures from 2019 my mom is sorting through but also. those five years aged me a lot

#I mean I don’t look old now I’m not worried about that #it’s more like... #I just look happier #like I didn’t go through like three disastrous experiences and also have a crisis or three #idk #things have generally been better for me but life was just #easier then #I wish I could grab my past self’s shoulders and be like ‘DON’T GIVE UP ITS GOING TO BE HARD BUT DON’T OKAY PLEASE #AND YES THE DEER WAS INTENTIONAL #that would’ve been nice #sorry photos always get me in a weird mood you can ignore this #rambles from the floor #delete later #not to mention the crushing reality that I have done basically nothing in those five years but we don’t have time to unpack all that—

[frosteee-variation]

found a good few beads lying around and decided to make a little robot out of them!Probably going to paint it later after it dries, but so far it’s looking pretty funky.

I do not have the hand stability to work on any sort of delicate small scale but! Good enough!!

#it took me like two days #but I’m proud!! #it’s been a hot minute since I’ve done any sort of craft so this was a nice change of pace methinks #the leg kept falling off so I was just like ‘hhhhfuck okay’ #and kept adding a bunch of unnecessary detail #I’ll probably post more/better images once I start painting #just to go through the process #craft #handmade #robots #beadbot #that’s what these are called right #frost art

[allieinarden]

You know that problem horror fiction has where if you do the “the real horror is real life” well enough, when the actual horror pokes its head out it just seems really goofy by comparison? Like it’s so unrelatable it verges on comedy relief?

#I wish I had a smart conclusion about this but I’m trying to figure out how to troubleshoot the problem if I ever write this typa thing and #I don’t know how #’cause I just read this book about a young woman widowed for one year who starts receiving weird letters and messages from #an old flame of her deceased husband that he never told her about and it all was done so well it was like modern gothic fiction until #the last 20% or so when the letter-writer actually shows up with all her evil schemes in tow and then #suddenly it’s a completely different kind of book still scary I guess but the horror of the story was about not knowing what’s going on #and not having the person you once trusted and relied on to get you through it #and once she knows and has something to fight besides her own self you lose that #and I’m realizing the same thing happens with Stephen King a lot too cause in Pet Sematary #(spoilers) #I’m not saying it SHOULD have ended with the guy heading out to dig up his dead son because that would have been a copout but it would have #been way scarier #because the scary thing is the level of grief that would drive someone to that extreme and how easily you could put yourself in his place #and then his son is an evil zombie and it’s like okay whatever

[flashhwing]

being in comics fandom for years I got used to the whole “if you don’t like a piece of characterization throw it out! if you think something is out of character or bad writing it probably is and you can unite it” but lately, being in non comics fandoms, I feel like it’s more interesting to take these moments or decisions that seem out of character and really like. analyze the character and figure out why they behaved this way. maybe it is lazy writing, but it’s part of the character now so there’s value in digging into it

EXCEPT for Anders’ reaction to Hawke selling Fenris back into slavery. that’s bad writing and I’m throwing that out

#there was. hmmm. #someone has brought me around on it #got me to dig deeper in that moment and go ‘okay yeah that makes sense’ #but the thing is. I had never actually seen that moment in play #because I don’t sell Fenris into slavery because what the fuck. what the fuck #so the ‘yeah this makes sense actually’ conclusion was just about the approval gain #but watching videos that go through every dialogue option for every scene and seeing what he ACTUALLY SAYS #IN THE MOMENT #that’s WAY MORE THAN JUST THE APPROVAL GAIN THAT DOES NOT TRACK WITH ANYTHING ELSE THE CHARACTER #ANDERS *OR* JUSTICE #STAND FOR #HOLY SHIT #okay I’m done #this has been a post

[sunglassesmish]

misha's out there calling castiel "an old friend" and folks really want to say he doesn't care about him just because he was already busy working on another show... that's so unfair!

☹️

#anon #ask #that emoji is how i am looking right now #misha was already so burnt out by the end of spn #and then when he finally got a break he was going through a divorce and spending time with his kids #and then bishagate #and still doing conventions and getting covid and then doing bridgewater and a new show #and he had so much going on! personally and professionally #can we please not say he didn’t care about cas #he wouldn’t have played him for 12 years if he didn’t care :( #and then with the winchesters wanting 22 episodes but only getting 13 #and him filming for gotham knights #it just would have been hard for him #okay i’m done trying to rationalise i’m sad

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

There always seems to be one kid who just screams like a tornado siren, all day long, at any given opportunity. Like, kid, I love you, you are precious and deserve all the happiness in the world; but please for the love of god shut up. There are people trying to learn here and you’re not helping them or yourself.

#I don’t like being harsh with people in general but if one child is raising the tension in the room to a fever pitch every single day #making it incredibly hard for the kids who are trying really really hard to focus when they already have focus issues #and because I know this specific kid gets absolutely spoiled rotten at home and is allowed to do whatever they want #you know… sometimes it helps to show the kid how they sound to others by demonstrating the obnoxious nature of The Scream #because when the parents do Jack Shit about teaching their kid discipline and courtesy; you have to be a parent in their stead #But do NOT continue to scream. You are an adult with adequate emotional control. Screaming should be be done EXTREMELY sparingly #and only utilized for demonstration purposes or to stop a brawl; not for bullying or intimidation #Don’t do a JoJo Siwa and TRY to make kids cry even though you may get stressed enough that you want to escalate on purpose #Again: you are an adult with adequate emotional control; don’t escalate unless the overreaching plan is to deescalate #if eliciting a startle response will stop harmful behavior and “snap them out of it” for long enough for you to get through #or if they just need to let all their emotions out at once so they can lose enough of that high energy to think critically #then sure #but you have to guide them back down very carefully and calmly; it’s a precise science #Don’t be mean about it; be genuine in your feelings and don’t go overboard. Genuine ≠ mean unless you’re evil #Or if you don’t feel emotions very strongly (like I do) then react like a “normal” person. Lie about being angry or sad if it is appropriat #Again: Your goal should not be to get the kid to do what you want; the goal should be to get them to feel good enough #so they are ABLE to do it in the first place #And the goal should also be to show them how their actions affect others if they are not aware of it #“Teach a man to fish” and all that. Don’t always check them; get them to check themselves #If a kid hits another kid when they’re angry at something completely unrelated; then 1.) redirect destructive behavior #and 2.) walk them back over to the kid they hurt and say: #“Look at [name]; look how sad you made them. [name] didn’t do anything to you #It’s okay to be angry but we CANNOT hit people when we are angry because it hurts and makes them cry.” Works great #Always remember there is a power imbalance inherent in EVERY child-adult relationship and NEVER abuse it #And if you’re not patient or emotionally stable enough to work with or have children; then don’t. Please don’t. #Children are not cute little dolls to play dress-up with; nor are they perfect angels; nor are they your personal stress ball #Having children is NOT A GAME. They are PEOPLE who will grow to be your age one day and everything you do affects them #Sorry I’m just tired of all these parents who shove iPads in their kids faces so they don’t bother them. You’re giving them an addiction

[whump-it-like-its-hot]

Me when I haven’t even started my finals yet and already get bombarded by people telling me I’m basically jobless and broke already and only gonna live on social benefits if I don’t start collecting job offers RIGHT THIS MOMENT like. brother I’m so burnt out, the old pans in the kitchen cabinet got nothing on me and if I have to face one more thing connected to graphic design when I’m done with this, I’m going to spontaneously combust

#vent tw #I’m so fucking tired man #I wanted to retake the year okay. I talked to my teachers and everything #everyone has been fucking telling me not to #and in the end I kept going because honestly. the only thing I could handle less than those finals right now #is to live at home for another year #I don’t Even Care about how I get through this anymore I just wanna be done with it #which is such a fucking shame because I was having an amazing time at this school until my health went to shit

[shaykai]

You know I thought I was strong enough to let the tieflings die, but I don’t think I am actually

time to reload a save that’s like 5 hours back

#baldurs gate 3 spoilers #it’s vague but I mine as well tag it- also I’ll be rambling in the tags so spoilers here for sure #I saved the ones in moonrise but I don’t think I’m okay about all of the others dying djdjdjdj #also I don’t know if the kids are okay??? like mol I know got grabbed and was taken to somewhere (which like. bad. she’s gonna take raphaels #fucking deal which is terrible because that’s my kid I’ve decided djdjjdjdjdjsjsjs I want the best for mol #but I don’t know if the other tiefling children are okay or not???????? and I’m not okay about them not being okay dndjdjdj #(also like the siblings need to be reunited and I need the bard lady to be okay #really I think I might just reload to save everyone properly this time dhdjdjdj) #which suuuuuuuuucks cause I’ve done a lot #like I freed the prisoners- I got to moonrise- did a bunch of looting/side questing #got through basically all of shar’s temple #killed the one demon guy for astarion (which like. that fight is rough djdjdjdj) #had myself a moon lantern- passed all of the checks at the bar with the one spooky bloated guy #where you need like a bajillion 20s in a row djsjsjdjdjd #(it’s not that bad but I did have to reload like #twice I think to get that right) #I already murdered Balthazar or whatever his name is- I just reloaded to before that cause I forgot to do other quests #hhhhhhhh it’s a lot of progress #but I keep thinking about it so I’m probably just going to grit my teeth and go back #if nothing else at least I’ll get to see that super super cute astarion romance scene again #which is like. my favorite thing in the world right now

[inkspellangel]

Updates from NaNo hell: Day 15

I’m starting to lose motivation

I managed to still write and be exited

After reaching goal i was back to unmotivated blob 😅

#updates from nano hell #this sounds bad but I promise I’m okay #just going through the regular depression episode #I should’ve done a vide today but that’ll have to wait until tomorrow

[lilgynt]

naturally i’m gonna be very upset at 6:09 am after an all-nighter over my brother and his actions

#personal #not the middle one we’re okay rn and talking again and he helped me get with my new job #even tho we haven’t spoken about the door and im not supposed to know he paid for it #so good but watch out #the eldest one i’m like hey i was gonna forgive ghosting me or flaking on plans you made with me for our dad #or not communicating that you already got everything done with said dad and all i really knew was my dad asking asking asking for his #eldest son and struggling for an answer for him #and even like not checking on me at all after i got kicked out and bringing a girl back and asking me to pretend to be asleep #god i regret not sleeping in a rest stop like planned that was so much worse #and also you and other brother just ignoring me begging for help telling you i got back into my ed and honestly going through the worst #time of my life also weed dependent to just cope and also my job sucked. minor but still #but again was ready to let it go bc you were so obviously in pain at the funeral i couldn’t be mad at that #but like why. after i offered to clean up after ur dogs did you um. ask me to do it again #then cussed me out after i asked that you don’t ask on the dot of when my shifts end #and then after mom told me i was selfish while struggling with a full time job and taking care of my dying father and struggling with that #and i was just asking what ur living situation was bc i felt like. hm. being told i’m awful for struggling during my dads death is a lot #instead of just saying no you go on a rant about how when we finally want to move in with you you’re doing something else and general #shit giving. instead of again. just saying no. or hell. checking on me. #so it’s like i’ll love you until every star gives out i can’t fucking look at you bc i’m so hurt #we haven’t talked since then and im not gonna hear from him till he asks what i want from christmas or he needs something #christ last time he checked on me was a segway to helping me going about the hoarder house as he loves calling it #i can’t believe i sent him photos of our dads writing saying i love you and his only question was is it still hoarder central #i was gonna type something mean i’m gonna lay down #i don’t want any gifts why would i want a gift. told him that i was hurt and didn’t want a gift my birthday and he responded and it’s gonna #and he’s didn’t respond* #be the same game during christmas #you brought a girl over on such an awful fucking night for me why would i want a gift #and it’s not like he hasn’t been there and doesn’t love me it’s just i’m hurt #and it’s not like he had all this space and my other brother and i never used it! i got kicked out and stayed a night! #other brother moved in with you! sorry circumstances led to me staying longer! just say no!

[mayasdeluca]

How did you get the nickname Princess Warrior?

#ali krieger #okay I think I’m done for now lol #if there’s any me or kriegertops didn’t post that someone wants let me know! #I’ll probably post some more tomorrow as I go through them #there’s just so many lol

[caterpillarinacave]

customer service is wild

#I was supposed to go on break at 7:30 and it turned 7:30 while I was halfway through one customer with on more in line with just a few thing #So I figured okay I’ll flip off my light and get through these two then go on break. Well naturally a third lady joins the line #The night is pretty dead so I just go “oh ma’am if you would mind popping down to lane three they can get you all taken care of :D” #And she with peak exasperation she goes “NO there’s a long line at three. There’s a long lane everywhere actually” #I just shrug and go about finishing the person Im ringing up intending to just dip the moment im done and let her go wait in the line #Then I notice one of the lanes down there is open and literally empty so I go “Hey ma’-am lane four is just opening up now if you want to-“ #And she interrupts me to go “Yeah I see. I think it’s been open the whole time I think” and walks off #And I…. I’m not sure what to say to that #Did she know the whole time? Did she just not bother to look and noticed while waiting? #I presume she was already frustrated and just snapped at me without really looking so go off I guess? Go off I guess lol #Tonight has been a weird night #Little children have been weird #Adults have been weird

[quietwingsinthesky]

You really have no idea how long it takes to make a podfic until you do it yourself

#this isn’t like a jab or anything it’s an observation. #the same way someone might look at a finished painting and not know the hours of work behind it #unless you’ve done that yourself you know? #I stand by podfics being an important transformative work in fandom. for accessibility and for just the joy of making them. #and highly recommend giving it a try to really understand how much work goes into giving you fanfic audiobooks lmao #but actually okay you don’t need to try I have some numbers right here if you’d prefer #so uh the one I’m working on now. it’s a fic about 1.7k words long. #which was about ~22 minutes of recording. the recording is the easiest shortest and. usually the most fun part. because saying words is fun #but anyway that 22 minutes got edited down to around the final runtime of 13 minutes. #(this is before I go through it again to see if I should re-record a line or two.) #(usually only do that if something got Monumentally messed up because it’s sometimes hard to make two different recording sessions sync up #and sound similar enough to not throw the listener off. for me anyway. I’m not the greatest editor rip.) #anyway so. 13 minutes of podfic. #so want to guess how long the first round of editing took? #about an hour. give or take. #this stuff is time consuming! worth it! but time consuming. #so what im saying is if you see podfics that are multiple hours long. salute your troops.

[pepprs]

ok i took a nap sorry for miseryposting

#purrs #i don’t feel better per se but i do feel less angry so i think that’s good. but i did have a fucked up and disturbing dream so now im #focused on that a little bit but it’s whatever. i think i just feel stuck in my life and overwhelmed rn but i have to be gentle with myself #and okay with accepting outcomes that are compromises even if i really don’t want to. but idk. i have to think on it more. and i wish i felt #less lonely bc i KNOW i am not it’s just i have no emotional object permanence and i keep dismantling all my inoculations and then crying #out for more inoculations and i don’t know how to stop. and now im getting upset again typing this so I’m going to stop even though i havent #gotten to the end of my thought yet and like reblog some things or watch a video idk. i really need to find a counselor and speaking of #which i feel like someone told me lately (on here probably and ididnt reply im sorry) that my counseling place should give me referrals to o #other places and they didn’t and maybe it’s bc i told them i was taking a break from counseling but i am kind of like 😐😑. but i’ll figure it #out and find someone. i think there’s a thing i can do through work i just have to gather the spoons to actually do it and i spent all of th #them on the drivers manual today. also i read like half the drivers manual today! which is something to acknowledge. ok im done now bye