#not really sad rn i just. im tired

[self-h-rmageddon]

just saw a button that says "im not myself today. maybe im you" SHUT UP....... dont remind me!!! theres a specific shame in it that no one seems to grasp, which makes sense, when do i ever explain it?

it feels so. shameful, even though i know i cant help it, even if its just my natural tendency, its like. i want to RISE ABOVE my disorder, but.. i cant. its a personality disorder, it defines my personality. having back to back personality/dissociative disorders is so fucked up man i do not know who i am!!!! my only worth of myself comes from what other people tell me. am i sweet? am i kind? am i funny? at surface level i believe it, thats how i seem to others so it must be true... but beneath that i detest it, i feel rotten to my core. it feels disingenuous since its coming from others instead of within, so i feel like im hiding something. like theres some part of me thats so indescribably ugly and vile, and i cant let anyone i love see it. even when theyve already seen it, i hide it further, i pretend like its not real. i forget long conversations full of understanding and love, i embrace the fact that i need to hide this thing, this monster. there is no monster!! its just me, and that makes it worse.

isnt it horrifiying, though? i take the voices of others, take their mannerisms, sometimes i even take their skin, i shape myself in someone elses image. realistically i know why, mimicry keeps you safe from rejection, people are less likely to throw you away if you act like them. you are more likely to be accepted into a group if you mask and mirror. you pick up on their vocabulary, their personalities, and you display it back to them. but theres more to it than that, i spend too much time abusing myself over things i cant control, in the hopes that itll fix me. its not like i do it just to endear myself, i do it because i like it. is that worse, then? i like when i copy, i like the way people are!! i wanna be like the people i like, is that bad? i cant tell, i see it from both sides. it makes me feel dirty. i really dont know who i am

am i still the angry boy i was in middle school? that was me right? maybe it wasnt me, maybe im new.. if im new then who am i? am i the me i draw? the me i project out to others? who would that even be?? it seems no matter what, i remain dissatisfied with how everyone sees me, like theyre not seeing ME... but how can i know what that should be if i dont know myself? its like its locked somewhere within myself, but ill never be able to open it up, never be able to wear the skin i was meant to wear. i think it has nothing to do with the usual suspects, nothing to do with gender dysphoria, social anxiety, no. my mind is made of barriers and walls, im hiding from myself. i want to see it, dont i deserve it? its me after all.

to other people i must be someone right? so why does it feel so wrong? its not me, its wrong! surely its wrong? idk man. it makes me tired, i remember a couple years ago i managed to completely convince myself that i existed in a box and the box wasnt real, the whole time i was completely dissociated from my body, imagining one of my self inserts instead, crying and panicking because i wanted to get out of the box it was. MESSY, but when i calmed down i realized i was so worked up cuz i didnt know myself

for years ive worn the clothes my family picked, i didnt even know i could change my hair, i thought it wasnt allowed. i didnt have any self expression whatsoever. i was a husk, a shell of a person. to the point where now when i buy a piece of clothing, or i do ANYTHING with my appearance, i feel this.. it feels like such a big deal to me, and no one else really cares cuz hello? yr supposed to do that i guess, but i was 18 years too late. i have no sense of self cuz ive never explored myself, i thought it was against the rules. i dont know why i thought that, but its fucked me up i guess. i feel lost, i feel aimless. and im sucked back into that familiar feeling, i feel empty

#not really sad rn i just. im tired #need it off my chest

[harvestmoth]

rejuv but theyre just regular people with weird looking pets

#couldve done venam with purple hair but it wouldve felt weird with hair up melia.. and i just like these outfits of theirs the most #hapi just hates everyone but melia while sev loves all. hapi only tolerates sev #im sad melia is like the only one that nicknames all of her pokemon #theres a few other who do it but usually not all of their pokemon #almost hd ren with his weird frog too but im too tired now maybe another time #actually nevermind on the nickname one it might just be because ive only played casual like the casual i am #maybe there are more and i just havent seen them #dont feel like researching that rn though im going to sleep #nim would be the only special and cool one here btw because her pet rocks are actually her pokemon just really small #like a tiny solrock and a tiny lunatone #pokemon rejuvenation #i hve more weird animal pokemon thoughts on this but im too tired to continue and this has probably already been thought of

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan #i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch #shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else #even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress #but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside #academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project #i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send #myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it #but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or #maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something #just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there #it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so #tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing #ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position #and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle #sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux #i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices #even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany. #and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it #unrelated

[jefferythejelly]

*long, deep, belabored sigh*

#discourse #<- except not really bc i am vagueing #idk im just tired. and sad #for a lot of reasons. some of which are i think v much not the reasons other ppl are mad rn lmao #like. yes it has problems yes i wish it could be better yes this absolutely sucks shit #and that is all v much part of the reason i am tired and sad #but the constant neg abt every aspect of the server also has started grinding on me. well always has i think im just reaching a limit #bc i like it! i do! theres good parts and i like them a whole lot! #idk it just rubs me the wrong way bc even if i do agree with a lot of the criticism whenever it comes from this side of the community #it always kinda feels like its in bad faith to me. like its in desire to watch it burn first and actually improve anything second #and its just like. argh #and like on the flip side. god i love this server but why does it have to be run by a guy who is the way he is #negative #yeah i think this needs that tag too lmao #idk ive been thinking abt taking a break for a little bit here and i dont think i am #mostly bc it would involve unfollowing 90% of my mutuals and i dont really want to do that #but i just wish casually sticking around like this didnt also involve. all the bullshit that comes with being in this fandom(s). lol. lmao. #anyways. i am going to go eat dinner

[swaggy-transfag]

Thought of making a post abt my struggles with communicating and getting my thoughts out in words. But then i was struggling too much abt how to word it so it made sense, so i gave up

#it can be so so tiring to try to squish my thoughts into words sometimes #it just doesnt feel natural and it never represents them good enough #everyday i wish for somekind of mindreading so others could just get what i was thinking #but instead i have to struggle everyday to not even do my thoughts justice #its so frustrating to just sit and try to get something out #often my mind just blanks and i cant grasp any words #its so humiliating bc ppl just assume im kinda dumb or stmh and i cant even prove them wrong cuz i cant translate my thoughts properly #i wanna tell ppl abt my struggles so they can understand #and also so they dont make fun of me anymore for it #but then i have to get the courage and also be able to explain it properly #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #its so weird i can usually get my point across (like rn) but it doesnt really feel like my words #talking for me mostly feels like clipping out a newspaper and then assemble all the usefull words k could find into what i want #i really really wanna try to unmask more #and just own the fact that im actually disabled #okay now im just rambling i think #point is im frustrated and sad that mindreading isnt possible

[buttercupchub]

I'm again in the "I don't have motivation to draw but I still want to" area, and feeling myself constantly in anxiety. I mean I've had this "feeling" since high school started back then, but I feel like this more and more as the years pass. I'm unsure what to do, and how to overcome it.

Plus I don't find my art great, both my weight gain and "normal" art. Like I genuinely feel disgusted about them at times, like I could just cry and throw my tablet away. Plus I feel horrible that I can't even finish my drawings anymore, just making sketches and maybe line art but that's it. Like I'm scared of rendering and coloring.

Anyway I just wanted to get this out of my system, I don't know if this post gets to any of you but I hope you guys at least are doing well.<3

But I promise to make more chubby Miguel since at least I enjoy drawing him.<3

#sorry really had to get this out of my system #I'm just that sad hamster thing rn #dang im tired #but as i promised more big Miguel in the future

[mielnah]

Me when the person i was talking to who i wanted to room with already decided to get a RM and only told me just now: 😙

#im just so. </3 bc we got along really well and i was really looking forward to potentially living together #i was imagining it and it was awesome and a refreshing change from the rm i have rn and i just. #wish i knew earlier and know i feel really sad and kind of betrayed tbh #im so tired of never being told about things until later on. like dont i deserve others' transparency about something? #i also woke up from a really long nap so seeing that was a lol!!!!!!!!

[widevibratobitch]

.

#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa #something is Wrong lol #i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡 #and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches #all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now #but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit #and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on #to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back #like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend #i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect #i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back #but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms #or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations #or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings #or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af #because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff #im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility #i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn #but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself #and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc #i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself #and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it #i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do #i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it #and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person #<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation #of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡 #like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT

[todayisafridaynight]

my favorite aspect of fanart of the arakawas is the unspoken universal agreement to have arakawa embody this (❁´◡`❁) kaomoji im so 1000% rn

#snap chats #LIKE TOP TEN FANART TROPES IM TIRED OF BEING A HATER #that and people giving daigo pretty eyelashes but this aint bout him #maybe its just the vibe nakai brought to the mocap studio but i genuinely love it so much cause Yeah.... That Tracks Entirely.... #it warms my heart it warms my soul its my favorite thing ever its so so so cute. NEVER beating the Peepaw allegations #anyway <- this mfer really wants to draw arakawa rn but has to finish this commission first #its worse cause i plan on drawing him sad this week so no (❁´◡`❁). weh #tho i do have another comic where he can be a lil (❁´◡`❁) so thats. thats nice :) #ok bye lemme finish this so i can start drafting that ig LMAO

[ghosts-of-love]

🥹🫠

#feels like every day there is someone new to tell about the break up and im running out of ways to be like hey yeah im fine!! but also... #pretty sure only a couple of people know at work bc its hard enough to bring it up let alone when i barely go into the office anyway #lord knows if my brother knows i can only assume my mum told him and probably everyone she has spoken to for more than 5 seconds since #im tired im really tired #it always ends up just being a conversation like '6 years...thats a long time' yeah i know i was there #just keep trying to focus on good things that are happening rn and i know im feeling sad bc 2/3 of my friends (housemates) are away rn #blah blah blah so many feelings i cant summarise them here in tags #if anyone happens to be reading/still reading and wants to send me photos of animals then feel free <3 #this is just word vomit at this point sorry

[heyitslapis]

vent

#haha now im fucking sobbing im my bathroom bc i was texting one of my only 2 friends (not including my ex) about how nervous i am #then i started in about how i actually dont really want to go out & meet people & go on dates but at the same time #im so extremely tired of being lonely/alone & having absolutely no one to consistently hang out with & im so starved for love & gentleness #and tbqh all i want rn is someone to hold me. i want someone to actively want me/pursue me. i want someone to choose me & care about me #it really fucking hurts & sucks being on everyones backburner. im such a loving person. i have such a big heart & so much love to give #ive always been like that. ive always loved people with my whole being. always been happy & happy to make others happy #ive always prioritized peoples happiness & comfort & well-being FAR above my own #ive always heard the universe gives back what it receives from you......so whens it my turn to be wanted fully & loved in an unwavering way #my love has always been give give give...... i just want to receive the affection. the devotion. the loving tasks. for once. please..... #im not even looking for my forever or for my life partner or w/e. i just want someone who's excited to see me & wants to be in my presence #someone who; even if only for 1 day or 1 week or even 1 month; chooses me. chooses to stay. #i think......im tired. im gonna go play fallout nv until i pass out from exhaustion. im tired #emma vents #vent tag #sad boi hours #sad bitch hours #2023 tag

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before #is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things #the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the #weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad #not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a #prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country #my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for #treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad #as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain #shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing #to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird #when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk #i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach #out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like??? #this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home #somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms. #but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long #term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting #whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot #i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors #i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival #unrelated

[max-the-mouse]

this morning sucks :////////

#i cant even make breakfast bc my buildings water is shut off for repairs #nor can i make myself lunch to pack for work #i am very sad and tired #and i have no money #lately i have been going though it heavily #but!!!!! there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!! soon things will be better #but i am moping rn #lol #i will be out of the hole i was dropped in soon #its just hard rn #personal #vent #as much as my activism has been actually so important to me i think i need to take a step back for a moment #im deep in a pit of dispair #im trying so fucking hard #but its hard to do activism when you can barely hold yourself together #like i have only left my house to go to work for almost a month #and its really affecting me #but i have no money to do anything!!!!! #its too cold just to go outside i have to go to a coffee shop or smthn #and i cant do that rn #idk man im just in the pits #i cant even feed myself rn #sorry for moping on tumblr #its been 2 months since my breakup/quitting my job and its been so fucking hard #i quit my job with the assumption i would have financial support from my partner but they cheated on me the same day i quit my job so #that ended and now im on my own scraping by #had to pick up a second job #soon things will be okay again

[desmondsdestiny]

to this day people still say the stupidest shit ever about connor. like I swear they played the game on mute and w their eyes closed. absolutely zero critical thinking on why this character is like that and why they made these choices. also? not every assassin has to be charming and witty, it would actually just get very tiring, and I'm very glad they never pulled that with connor. he still remains one of the best and I'll die on this hill.

#im watching a stream of ac3 rn and its really hard to not get annoyed w the chat theyre so unfunny #I don't trust people who don't like or try to understand connor or desmond im over entertaining these clowns #but yeah this rant is brought to you by this one dude on the chat that said connor is the most uncharismatic assassin #so what? just bc he isnt like ezio or edward doesn't mean he doesn't have his own charms or isnt a good character? #maybe its just me. but there hasn't been a single ac game where i didn't like the protagonist #so whenever i see people say they didn't like xyz bc they acted a certain way. im just thinking. yeah. that's the point #i see this w jacob a lot. ppl say he was immature and caused problems. like yeah. hes supposed to be. do people know how characters work #anyway im too tired to continue but the points are there #six speaks #edit: stream ended and the chat boiled my blood fr. 'boohoo desmond died' what if i punched u in the face real hard #its not about desmond. i wouldve accepted his death if it actually made sense and meant something for the plot. but his death meant nothing #ubsoft sacrificed everything for something more soulless and profitable and its so frustrating and sad. #but the ac incels cant even comprehend good writing for a second so of course they don't care and don't realize killing desmond killed ac

[thy-fucks-runneth-dry]

I haven't been able to draw very much.

Sorry. Have some frogs I guess

#art #pheni does things #traditional art #im sorry #i just couldnt do it #im really tired and sad rn

[bugdogg]

i wanna play animal crossing again but everytime i open the game and they tell me they missed me i get sad, close the game, and dont open it for another 2 months

#idk im drawing rn and settled on listening to new leaf ost while i work #it makes me sad cause i never properly took care of my new leaf worlds and new horizons just isnt as emotional for me #its sorta just filled w melancholy #im tired again which idk why i think last night really just got to me now #oughh i love animal crossing (merengue still my favoriteee)