#neuropathy but I can't be sure)

[gayvampyr]

I think I've posted about this before but I can't remember; does anyone else get tics that are triggered by the cold? and I don't mean just shivering, I mean like cold temperatures cause your body to suddenly jerk and/or have random uncontrollable muscle spasms. mainly asking people who have tic disorders or other neurological/neuromuscular conditions, but others are welcome to reply as well

#im autistic and have 'obsessive compulsive tendencies' as written on my diagnostic report #but im not sure if this is related or if anyone else experiences temperature-related tics #I don't seem to experience them much outside of cold weather minus some muscle twitches and tremor (which I think is related to my #neuropathy but I can't be sure)

[sirfrogsworth]

The Decision

Taking care of my dad has been challenging but probably the most rewarding thing I've ever done. In the past year I've had to push myself beyond my limits, beyond my illness, and do everything I could to make sure my dad was comfortable as his body slowly failed him.

I hadn't driven in over a decade, but he needed to get to dialysis so I took the entire driving test like a teenager in order to get my license again. I had to move out of my cozy basement command center and upstairs into the light. I hate the light. Much too bright. Since then we have been spending almost every second of every day together. This causes us to get on each others' nerves on occasion. But most of the time we are happy to have each others' company.

My job is mostly supervision and problem solving. I watch him to make sure he doesn't fall. But if he did fall, I needed a way to get him back up. So I found an electric chair lift. I just scoot his butt on and raise him back up. If he had a medical problem, I would figure out which doctor could help him. If his feet were cold, I would find battery-powered heated slippers to keep his toes toasty. Our house is filled with little solutions I found to make him as comfortable and safe as possible.

If he needs help with anything I am always right there to assist. It's usually little things, but for him, sometimes little things can be impossible things.

I was proud to do this and I believe it brought us closer than we have ever been.

Wednesday morning the surgery team came to visit my dad and look at his foot. They told me they cannot save the foot. My dad would need a below-the-knee amputation. This would require two months of grueling, painful rehab. Then another month or two for him to adjust to a prosthetic leg. Which he may not be able to tolerate with his balance issues.

Then the lung doctor came in. He said my dad's breathing could improve, but probably not to a comfortable degree. He explained with my dad's congestive heart failure getting worse, he is probably looking at another six months to a year of life, but only if everything with the amputation goes well.

I asked the lung doctor if this was all worth it. Four months of painful recovery from amputation just to live another two months? He said a reasonable person could decide it is worth it. That some people want to squeeze every second out of life. But another reasonable person might decide that quality of life is more important than length of life.

My dad has been unhappy with his health struggles for a while now. Dialysis is just awful. He sits in a chair for four hours, three times per week, and comes home absolutely wiped out. He sleeps for two to three hours and then feels miserable the rest of the night. Sometimes he will recover from the dialysis and then it is time to get more dialysis. Sundays were his only real day of rest because he had an extra day of recovery time.

He has breathing difficulties and they are getting worse. He can't take deep breaths so his lungs keep filling with CO2. The CO2 exacerbates his delirium and confusion. He has to wear an uncomfortable BiPAP breathing mask for hours to get rid of the CO2. Once the CO2 is blown off, he switches to high flow oxygen in his nose. The CO2 builds up again... back to the BiPAP. It has become a vicious cycle.

He is constantly trying to right his balance when he walks. He has arthritis pain that never stops. And because his circulation is so bad, his extremities are always either tingling or stinging him with neuropathy pain. Those heated slippers were his only refuge.

His depression is obvious. He curses at every little inconvenience. Every dropped pill due to his hands not working. Every time he bumps into the wall with his walker. Every time he fails to stand up, having to try multiple times. Everything frustrates him.

He hates being tethered to oxygen. He feels trapped in a 50 foot radius. He constantly wishes for nothing more than to go outside and take his riding mower for a spin.

I try to entertain him with new movies and TV shows, but he has trouble concentrating on new things. Sometimes he prefers just to watch his NCIS shows that he has seen many times. That way he won't get frustrated if he falls asleep and misses the ending.

And... he lost his wife.

He has had to exist without her for a year now and he sometimes forgets she is gone. He'll call out to her and she won't respond. He'll think she is still lying next to him in bed only to discover it is the pillow supporting his back. I think when she died a part of himself died as well. He lost a huge reason to keep fighting.

And since he has been back in the hospital, his delirium and confusion have returned. He is more lucid in the mornings after sleeping. But the exhaustion from not getting enough sleep, dialysis, his foot infection and pain, the drugs, the constant in-and-out of people checking on him... it's just too much. His brain cannot function without restful sleep. So he ends up hallucinating and losing the ability to communicate.

There just does not seem to be a path forward where he could have a comfortable quality of life.

In the height of his foot pain he has exclaimed many times "I WANT TO DIE." And while I know part of that was due to his misery and frustration and pain in that moment... I think that exclamation contained his unfiltered wishes.

He was lucid Wednesday morning and we had a good conversation. He did not want to endure months of recovery and rehab. He did not want the pain of losing a leg. He did not want to fight for every breath. He did not want to lose access to clear thoughts on a regular basis. And he did not want to continue on without the love of his life.

There is this selfish part of me that wanted to convince him to keep fighting. He is my best friend. He is the greatest father I could ask for. Taking care of him this past year has given me great purpose. It has been an honor to help take care of him--as he had done for me all of my life.

Lately, he has had trouble getting into bed and covering himself up. So I have been tucking him in every night just like he did for me when I was little. First I have to arrange his pillows just right. One between his legs and one for him to hug. I put on his toasty slippers to keep his feet warm. I pull the covers up, give him a hug, tell him I love him, and say goodnight. Then I ask his Alexa speaker to play Billy Joel for him to fall asleep to. And I love doing that for him. I feel happy that we got through another day.

Whenever I am alone in our house, I miss him. I have never been in an empty house. It just feels wrong. And I'm not sure I am ready to adjust to that reality.

I want to watch another season of Cardinal's baseball with him. He loves The Mandalorian so much and I want to watch the new episodes with him. I downloaded every John Wayne movie, and even though I don't always care for those films, I like seeing him smile as he watches The Duke get into trouble.

I don't want to lose both of my parents in the span of a year.

And, well, I also don't want to lose the house. I don't want to live on my own. I don't want to worry about not having enough money to live. These are just things I can't help worrying about. And I feel guilty for worrying about myself during this time.

I have all of these reasons to want him to continue on. And I bet if I asked him to keep trying, he would do that for me. He would continue suffering and struggling for me. Because there has never been a time in his life that he would not do *anything* for his sons.

That's just who he is.

But I know I have to filter those feelings and reasons out. I know I can't ask my father to endure any more pain and misery because I fear being alone. He has always done what is best for me, and now I need to return the favor.

He has lived a long life. He had a wife that he loved. He had two sons that he raised and instilled his values in. He has a beautiful legacy that will live on in us.

He has nothing left to accomplish in this world.

He told me he wanted an out but he didn't know how to go about it. But I did. And I had to fight the urge to keep it to myself. I did not want to tell my father how to end his life. And telling him almost felt like I was personally killing him.

Thursday morning his favorite doctor is going to come speak to us. She is his kidney doctor. She is going to explain the process of stopping dialysis. With palliative care, it can be a relatively painless exit. Over a few weeks his kidneys will fail to filter out toxins. They will build up in his system. And eventually he will fade to black.

My mother had a horrible, painful, lonely death. Her final words were over a telephone because of COVID restrictions. The last time I saw her was across the ICU through a glass window.

Thankfully, my dad will be able to go out on his own terms.

He will be comfortable and surrounded by loved ones.

[cripplecharacters]

Hello! Hope you're doing well!

I'm writing a character who has scaring on the side of his face from a tree branch that accidentally whipped back at him when he was little.

The scars are pretty long, with the longest one running from his cheekbone, back over his cheek, ear, and a bit into his hairline. It's been about ten years since the initial incident so it's fully healed, but I'm just wondering what kind of long-term physical symptoms there might be from a scar that large. Is there anything he might do day-to-day to care for it? At the moment, he and his friends are trapped on a tropical island, would things like heat, sun, and sweat affect it differently?

Thank you so much, and hope you have a nice day <3 (heart)

Hi!

Non-burn scars require much less work and there's little care required after the initial few months. He could maybe be checking the general area to see if there is any recent damage that he can't feel - there would be some degree of neuropathy probably - but that's only something he would do if he believed that there is a reason to do so. Let's say, after he gets hit in the head or goes through a jungle or something, he could check the scar and area around it to make sure there's nothing unexpected going on. If you're familiar with the topic of people with diabetic neuropathy checking their feet for wounds, this is kinda the same thing.

The tropical island scenario is interesting because this kind of place would significantly affect a scar... that's relatively (<1 year) new. If he had his for ten years, I doubt he would be doing anything with it other than what I already mentioned.

For permanent symptoms, nerve damage is number one. This area could be either numb or unusually painful. If I'm imagining the placement of his scar correctly it wouldn't really affect any of the important functions of the face (?). Also if it goes into his hairline, there wouldn't be any hair on the scar itself of course.

Lastly, I encourage you to look at different types of scars - everyone knows about the flat-line scar, but keloid or hypertrophic ones are extremely common! Atrophic scarring would be rather unusual here (because of the scars' origin) but that's the only exception.

This is probably gonna sound slightly weird, but I'm really glad to see people interested in the daily boring stuff that comes with facial differences! Thank you for checking this kind of stuff!

I hope this helps! Have a nice day as well! :-)

mod Sasza

#anonymous #mod sasza #face difference

[andhumanslovedstories]

hello this is kind of heavy and no pressure at all to answer. and apologies because im sure you must have answered this before. but do you go through like a pain management flow chart for your patients and if so what are some of the steps? my dad is having some medical issues and i want to be able to help him manage his pain as much as i can. thank you and enjoy wasteland!

I work in a hospital setting so my pain management care plan is part of an interdisciplinary team in that setting. It's relatively easy for me to get, say, IV pain meds for a patient with extreme breakthrough pain. I don't know how well my approach would translate outside of that setting, I'm not palliative care trained, and I don't personally deal with chronic or acute pain (which is why I'm answering this publicly so other people can chime in), but in broad strokes:

First: Define pain. What type of pain is it? Muscle pain? Indigestion? Neuropathy? Surgical site? Stiffness from lack of movement? Is part of the pain also the fear of the pain? Sometimes when pain has been bad for a long time, or even has been bad in a short-term but very notable way, the idea of hurting that bad again is traumatizing. That fear of pain can, unfortunately, make you focus more on the pain you're feeling because now it's not just the physical sensation of pain, it's also the psychological impact of it.

Then, how does the pain affect you? Is it stopping you from sleeping? Is it stopping you from eating? Is it making you short-tempered or depressed? Does it make it difficult to focus on things? Does it make you nauseated? Anxious? Isolated? Do you feel like you need to hide it from those who care about you?

Everything pain is and affects is a place where you can intervene. Some of these interventions will be very small and would, if they were the only intervention, feel completely inadequate. Pain relief is rarely "you do one thing and you're done." You're addressing pain on multiple fronts, and sometimes that doesn't mean your focus isn't just the reduction of pain but the restoration of what pain has taken away. It's possible the worst part of pain for you isn't the pain itself but, for example, the immobility it causes. Are there different ways you can learn to move? Can you get a grabber? Can you get a shower chair? Can you find physical therapy exercises that help you regain strength or stop you from deconditioning to the degree you're able? What mobility aids might restore movement to you?

And if returning mobility is not possible at this time or ever, how can you modify your environment to support you? Can you figure out what bothers you the most about that immobility and mitigate that? If it's annoying that not being able to leave bed makes you bored, what can be within arm's reach? If it's frustrating that being too painful to move means you feel isolated from other people, can you make wherever you are more central? If pain makes having your bed on the second floor unfeasible, can you move your bed to the first floor? How can you adapt the environment around you?

I'd encourage movement too, to the degree it is possible. Being in the same position HURTS. If it feels good to stretch but you can't do it by yourself, can someone help you with range of motion? (You can look up "passive range of motion" to get an idea of how to do that.) This doesn't need to be exercising, just exploring the joy of moving your body. Related to movement is physical touch. I love lotions and medicated creams for pain patients because you can turn them into massages. Just be careful with pressure and be open about what hurts and what feels good. At the most gentle end of the spectrum is something called the M Technique which isn't even massage, it's like guided gentle touch. Give the body something else to feel.

Different medications work better with different types of pain. This part is hard to talk about in general because of the specificity of some pain med regiments. Tylenol is great, but be cautious with how much you are taking (acetaminophen overdoses are no joke) and remember that there's a point where more tylenol doesn't mean more pain relief. Opioids are great, but they can be very dangerous and aren't well-indicated for a lot of types of chronic pain. Even if opioids work best, I'd encourage you to be working on pain reduction on multiple fronts, as opioids are so controlled, it is easy to lose access to them. If opioids give you enough pain relief to do physical therapy, then make sure to do that physical therapy. Medications are amazing and I love them and I give out PRNs like crazy, but similarly to how I can't just take my depression meds and stop being depressed, pain medication works best in conjunction with other strategies. Those other strategies though can literally be something like "tramadol takes away the pain enough I can focus on something, and what I want to do with that focus is to watch a movie I've been meaning to rewatch for a while now but haven't had the spoons for." Sometimes all you will want to do when you get pain meds is sleep because you can't when you're hurting. Sleep is wonderful; how can you arrange your sleeping place and habits to make sleeping even more of a delight?

And if you find a medication that works, use it consistently. It is always easy to keep pain level than it is to address a pain spike. Don't wait until symptoms are at their worst to address them. Figure out what it feels like when your symptoms are ramping up, and intervene early.

Sometimes medications that aren't explicitly for pain can still help. If anxiety makes pain worse, consider an anxiety medication. If coughing hurts, can you get a numbing spray from your throat to make it less sensitive so you cough less?

I don't know how useful this is to you and your family. Hopefully it's at least something to think about. Think about palliative care (which is about the management of symptoms of illnesses rather than the treatment of illnesses) as not just taking away bad sensations but restoring good ones. You can't always get someone to a place with no pain. But what can you do to enhance life in the presence of that pain? There is a psychological aspect to pain, it's a parasite that drains you and makes you feel like you are nothing but a body that hurts and won't stop hurting. I want to make clear, I'm not saying pain is only in your mind. Bone mets and nerve pain exist whether you're cheerful about it or not. But pain doesn't have to mean suffering, it doesn't have to take away the things that make you you. Address pain through medication and therapies, but also remember that protecting, promoting, and prioritizing the parts of yourself that you most value and give you the most joy will help give your life so much substance that pain can't rob it all. You aren't doing one big thing. You are doing a thousand small things that make life easier, better, more suited to yourself and your abilities, and more aligned with the parts of life that you that give your life meaning.

(And a note in particular for being the family member of someone in pain--ultimately, they are going through this alone. It is their body. What can you make smoother for them? How can you protect their dignity and their privacy without making them feel abandoned or alone? How can you make it so your reaction to their pain is not part of their burden? Like for the six hundred other hypothetical questions in this endless post, the answers will be highly personal and will take time to figure out. Be patient and calm.)

#nursing tag #oops! sorry! it’s an essay with I think no definite answers for you #and also an extrapolation of my in hospital work and my home health work #long post

[cleolinda]

Here's another song I had wanted to write about: Hozier's "Movement." It is a fact of my existence that I get into a musical artist/band about 10 years after everyone else does, and then they become 30% of my personality (see also: Florence and the Machine). So I didn't really get with the program until Wasteland, Baby, and even then, it was for an unusual reason.

When did this album come out, spring of 2019? I had spinal surgery in early 2018. A discectomy, L4/L5; the disc had gradually become herniated due to a fall I'd had at a convention. My surgeon was required to warn me that surgery would come with a (low) chance of paralysis; it was my choice to make. After two weeks of seizing up in pain every hour or so, confined to my bed—hydrocodone did nothing—I chose the scalpel. Even then, it was another four weeks before he could work me into the operating schedule. Trust me when I say, no matter how I'm doing now, I do not regret having that surgery.

But he also told me, "You will always be a person who has had spinal surgery." Since anything was better than screaming every time I moved, I didn't fully understand what he meant until a year or so later, when I was still in pain—a chronic but lower-grade pain that came and went depending on how much activity I dared try that particular day. It was infinitely better than before. And, but, yet, I still deal with that chronic pain today. I will always be that person.

"Walk," he told me. I had a packet of therapy exercises to do, sure, but he was firm on this point. "That's the main exercise you need. Just walking." Which I couldn't do at first—I didn't have to learn to walk again or anything, but I was in a wheelchair early on, then on a wheeled walker for a couple of months. I also have inherited neuropathy in my feet, which was exacerbated by electrically painful sciatic nerve damage down my right leg while I waited for my slot in the surgery calendar. (I swear to God I will start talking about music soon.) I only walk across the longest side of my backyard. I don't leave it and walk around the neighborhood, because I generally have about two minutes upright to get back to the house once my feet start hurting.

So I had been struggling with my walking assignment for about a year when "Movement" came out. Of course it's literally about physically moving (and emotionally being moved), but that wasn't what captured me. The song starts out slow and reflective; it was a gentle tempo for a time when I couldn't walk very fast, and I still use it as a warm-up today. But there are two other things I love about it. One, the willow tree in the chorus, as I was walking my little runway back and forth under a canopy of wild water oak draped with wisteria, looking up into the sun through the leaves and snowflake flowers of an overgrown cherry laurel. Sound met landscape.

But the other thing is how—generous? accepting?—the words are of the "you" of the song. This person, the lyrics say, does not have to be a virtuoso dancer like Fred Astaire or Sergei Polunin (who's in the video up there). Instead, "you're Atlas in his sleeping, and when you move, I'm moved." My absolute favorite part is,

Move like grey skies Move like a bird of paradise Move like an odd sight come out at night

What the fuck even are these lyrics. I can't. That's so good. You ever sit there as a writer and think, I'm so mad I didn't come up with that? Just the pure unexpectedness, "I'm telling you how earthshakingly amazing this person is. Like a beautiful willow, like a rare bird, like some weird-ass cryptid in the night, I don't even know what that was about but I love it." What even. So good.

And I was for sure an odd sight shambling back and forth across the back of my yard: five minutes at first. Then ten the next week, working my way up to thirty, still in a dull roar of constant pain a year into my recovery. But this is a song that says, your efforts to move are moving, whatever movement is natural for you; you may be sleeping just now, you may be moving without moving, but you are wonderful not in spite of being strange in your movements, but because of it. The song always feels like a friend walking along with me, no matter how many setbacks I have, or how slow I have to go.

Anyway, Unreal Unearth comes out next Friday. The five songs Hozier's put out so far are ridiculously good, and I've scheduled a couple of months to be completely feral about it. When the weather is less dangerously hot, we'll find out which songs are good to move to.

#music #music discussion #me for some reason #long post #hozier

[thewriterowl]

I've had this idea about Luke suffering from nerve pain from the emperor's force lightening running around my head for a while and want to share it with someone that I know will appreciate it.

So, personal backstory that inspired this. I broke my collarbone a year ago and had surgery on it. Went fine, except I now have a patch of essentially neuropathy on my chest. It typically doesn't hurt, but if I don't get enough sleep or I'm stressed, the pain flares and it hurts even to have clothes brushing against it.

Now imagine Luke with pain like this across his whole body. Normally it doesn't bother him too much and he's able to block it out. But whenever he gets tired, stressed, sick, etc (which, happens more often than it should) his neuropathy flares and he essentially can't stand the feeling of anything touching him.

Now make it worse by making it dinluke and Din desperately wanting to just cuddle his riduur close, but not being able to even touch him because even the gentlest of touches cause Luke even more pain. They just have to wait it out until Luke feels better.

I love Luke having nerve-pain and/or other complications from what happened on the Death Star! I mean, he was tortured with lightning for a good solid minute (at least) of on again and off again strikes that ran over his body. There is no way he came out from that unscathed.

For sure, I canon him as having scars from it all over his body and of a striking point being around his chest (but not directly at his heart because Palpatine was planning on having fun and dragging it out for a while. He said "now you die" but I hear the line from GoT "you are going to die for a long time") and there are times where it is difficult for him to move--for him to breathe.

Then using your inspiration, on some days are triggered by other forces (stress, sleep, etc.) and how it is painful but not necessarily completely crippling. It makes it impossible to handle touch, both on a pain level but also on a mental one as well. His body is in agony and shuddering from a traumatic memory. This was done to him by someone else and he is forever marred by the Emperor. Being touched by Din would be too much. He simply would not be able to handle it.

It would be torture for Din who just wants to hold Luke at all times but especially when he is in pain. He would just suffer watching Luke suffer, knowing he can't touch him and make it go away. He has to wait until it passes to hold him close, bathe him, and get him to bed where he strokes over his brow or arms or back to soothe him to sleep.

#owl inbox #dinluke #tw: chronic pain #tw: chronic illness

[theressomethinghappeninginparis]

All I can tell you about the next rooms I've been in is that I'm glad someone, probably Trent, was here before me. He could have cleaned up if you ask me, I haven't eaten enough to throw up, I just rush through the rooms and almost run in hopes of finding a safer place. Everything here is dead, sliced up, shot, or mutilated. I found a first aid box and took some painkilers and gauze bandage in case I accidentally hurt myself on anything here, literally no space in here that looks comforting and safe.

Transcript of the first page: This gummy cell had a dead guy inside, lying in his own blood. He had a number on his back- there were so many people down here, I wonder how no one started missing them? Or was someone looking for their friend, their relative? They had corpses in the morgue, laying on a metal table. It was freezing in there and creepy as fuck. The blood was dried and I didn't dare stepping in further.

Transcript of the second page: Further on I found dead inmate and a soldier(?). Someone want amok in here. Or did someone start an outbreak and thus the police or a private security group was involved? There was also a room with tubes similar to the ones I've seen before. But the things swimming in there were men(?) and I think there were horns(?) on him...ist this one of the nephilim I heard being talked about? Are these poor inamtes stripped of their souls and used as bodies for the nephilim? I wish I knew. Or. Think of it. I'm glad I don't.

Transcript of the third page: I came even deeper into the complex, downstairs, and I found this. I'm not sure what it is, it is hanging above a pit I couldn't look into. It's so deep into the ground I can't believe it's part of the sanitarium in the first place. When I went up a ladder, I saw this open door- I think due to the electricity that someone cut someone or something escaped. Let's hope it's not the Proto? What else could they have been keeping down here?

Transcript of the fourth page: My fake Strahov-pass got me into the files on the pc I found in a lab. I had to shove...the scientist a bit to the left. They talk about inmate number 42 and his medical record. They put him through so much, but why? There are mentions of "Proto cells", if this is the angel of death the inmate talked about? The horns I saw on the bodies of the bodies in the tubes were non-human. Not completely. If this really is the "Proto Nephilim" I pverhearf on the conversation, what would they do with its cells? I have an assumption, but I need more research. I think they want to revive the Nephilim with human beings...yeah what the hell.

Transcript of the fifth, sixth, and seventh page: Here's some papers I got for inmate number 42. I printed these out to take them with me. Does anyone know what is going on here? The man is named Hassan Ahmed Emin, and the doctor writing this is Melinda Everst. He speaks Turkish and needed a translator here. He reports restlessness, stress due to driving at night, fear of darkness, and feelings of loneliness. He has two allergies and then they list hsi current medications. They talk about giving him Proto cells, metallurgy on his hed, a lobotomy, Christ all this is so insane. So Eckhardt's fanclub is taking reandom people no one's missing and trying to revive the Nephilim so he can finally stay immortal? He is a rather skinny man and lost his weight in here. His history also includes seizures and neuropathy; lots of bone problems, and mental illnesses. His reports on his quality of life are high, but his emotional and physical well being is low.

I am continueing my walk through this mess and it's getting colder. I hope I'll come across a living non-hostile person soon, the loneliness is really creeping into me. There's another lab I can go in, but right now I'm resting again, hiding in a cell with a shelf I shoved in front. I really need this- this institute to have an end, I need some sunrays and, at some point, my old life back.

#angel of darkness #journal #tomb raider #traod #tomb raider angel of darkness #tomb raider series #aod #classic tr #lara croft #classic tomb raider

[cordeliawhohung]

hiya, it's me again!! how are you doing? :3

i'm so emberassed. i wrote manhood instead of writing manhole. i was confused... my native language isn't english and manhood looked similar to manhole for that moment! i was very sure that that word was the correct one 🥲 and it was my homework, i hope our professor won't get mad heh...

anyway, here's a song again lorelei- scorpions

have a good day/night ☀️🌙

sending you hugs and kisses 🫂 💋

-🎵

dude english is my native language and here's a list of shit i've fucked up saying to patients at work:

once accidentally said lobotomy when i meant phlebotomy

said necrosis instead of neuropathy

once accidentally told one of the doctors our patient had a bp of like 124 something/180 something when it was def NOT that

i'm sure there's more, just can't think of them.

oh, also teachers/professors around america always will at least ONCE in their career say orgasm when they meant organism which in my opinion is much more embarrassing than manhood lmao.

but don't stress it! i hope you had a good day despite it haha!

#core responds #the lobotomy was significantly more embarrassing than anything else honestly #i'll also never forget the time i looked at an open book fracture and couldn't find anything wrong because i couldn't comprehend that- #-the pelvis could move like THAT

[contentment-of-cats]

Pain issues and pannetone

Sunday and Monday were not a treat. I'm better today but still wiped out. Sunday was a seven, yesterday a six on the pain scale. I'm tottery today, but the pain meds are down to every nine hours instead of every four. I had to increase the gabapentin and add a second dose of robaxin. I'm not sure what I did (if I did anything - pain is whimsical), but it felt like someone was pulling my spine out by the tailbone. You can't blasat the pelvis with radiation and then pump the body full of cytotoxins and not have issues afterward. There is no gain (still alive) without a loss (neuropathy, fibrotic tissue, lowered immunity, pain).

I will take 'alive' - whatever comes with it.

I maintain that it's not the painkillers that knock you out, it's the relief of pain. When you're fighting the pain, lying there and breathing, counting down to the 30 minutes it takes to start working, you are physically and mentally fighting to maintain yourself. At a six or seven, there is nothing but the pain - you can't think of anything else. You struggle against it. Then the pain stops, it's gone, and the fight is over. Your exhausted body and mind need rest, and you sleep.

C/A/P CT scan on Sunday. Fun never stops. Remission is not being a basket of kittens this month. Last Saturday, I was going to be Superwoman, on Sunday it was a coin toss for the ER. Monday it was take max pain meds and then lie there and breathe for 45 minutes.

However, small pleasures.

It's pannetone season! It's fruitcake season! (Not you!) It's eggnog season! It's gingerbread season! It's cookie season!

I want to bake like mad, but have to restrain myself. I've made concessions to my mobility and will do most of my kitchen-intensive stuff sitting down. I've actually made a mise en place station where I can prep my ingredients, use my mixer and other tools - but I do it sitting down on a wheeled stool that can tuck under the table.

I love pannetone. When I was little, Gran made the best bread pudding out of it. It makes terrific French toast (eggy bread), or just slather with butter and have with coffee. I usually get my first one of the season right after Thanksgiving. Nothing says holidays like pannetone.

Chissmas is coming and I am excited! I've been assured that some folks will participate, and feel like a kid looking at the wrapped presents under the tree - wondering what's inside.

#life in general #remission #pannetone #holidays

[cigarettesandinevitablebetrayal]

glance, texture, and favorite for oc(s) of your choice if u wanna!

Answering for Corin, my problematic white boy

glance: At first glance, what stands out most about your OC's appearance? What's their distinguishing feature?

Hmm....one way or another, it's gonna be his mouth. He's got a nasty scar from the debacle with the Void's cult that landed him half of a Dahlia's smile that never healed all the way. You can fully see some of his teeth through it and it definitely puts a lot of people off. He used to be really self-conscious about it before the HBI.

Otherwise, it's that his smile always looks a little wrong. A bit too wide, too still, too practiced. Even before the scar, he tried not to smile with his teeth too much.

texture: Does your OC favor any specific kinds of cloth or textures? Is there anything they can't wear or don't like? What sort of fabrics do they prefer?

Anything soft and light. Corin's got bad peripheral neuropathy from the fall and he tries not to wear anything stiff or scratchy. I don't think he pays attention to the actual fabric names. Just feels them between his fingers for a bit before either chucking it in a cart or leaving it on the rack.

favorite: Does your OC have a favorite article of clothing or accessory? What is it? What's the meaning behind it? Do they wear it all the time or do they wear it sparingly to keep it safe?

The old style Rangers hoodie he stole from the test batch, way back before the HBI. Julia managed to snag it from his locker before the move to new headquarters. He's loathe to admit it, but he throws it on after bad nights. It reminds him of days when he thought he could be human. Maybe things were worse back then, but they sure felt better sometimes.

Find more OC Design Questions here!

#corin brooks #Thank you for asking!

[brightgnosis]

It feels so good to have my vacuum back and working again, and to not have to sweep the floor anymore- even though vacuuming still gave me neuropathy because I'm not used to it anymore 😩

I haven't had the energy to do anything for the last few holidays since secular New Years- or even to the reanointing for the Ancestral Guardian. So I think what I'm going to do is clean my computer desk, feed the animals to keep them out of my hair ... And then maybe set up a little mini Altar for the Ancestral Guardian on my desk, and do another offering just for them of the Kosher Wine I found. It seems like a good first use of it.

Or I'll wait until Monday for the next reanointing, and do it then 🤔 That ... Kind of seems like the better idea, actually, since it's already 3 pm. So I'll just clean, feed, and then I'll relax for a moment and eat a small snack. Then I might get started on Dinner instead.

I'm making some baked inch thick cut pork chops. But I can't decide if I want to make them with a side of sautéed Green Beans and Shiitake Mushrooms and then "Sage-Embossed Fingerling Potatoes" from the Better Homes & Gardens 'Potato Recipes' 2022 issue that I picked up the other week ... Or if I just want to do plain Mashed Potatoes and then a Shiitake Mushroom Gravy --- either way I have both Red Potatoes, Mushrooms, and a box of Broth that need to be used up soon. Opinions?

And while I'm upstairs doing food, I can check and make sure I don't need to order more Bay Leaves for Gratia on Friday; it'll be nice to break out my old burn bowl from my Recon days!

And tomorrow, my Husband's going to take me out to the Lake to practice driving; now that I'm doing better I really need to re-learn, especially since I volunteered for 4 committees last meeting. I can't just keep getting rides for people (and frankly the last time I got the ride from the woman I've been getting them from, I was very uncomfortable and I'm not sure I'd like to continue getting them from her after that).

Technically it's less "re-learn" and more "get comfortable with it again" since I've maintained my license this whole time and it's not exactly something you forget how to do. I just haven't actually driven in 4-ish years because of my health and I am terrified of actually doing it again. Especially now that the town has grown and it's been a long time since I lived in Tulsa and had to deal with real traffic (though we're still nowhere even remotely near that level, lol. It's just the only thing I really have to compare it to experience wise so far).

Fingers crossed that mess goes well, ha. But once we've got that down the hope is that I can drive us to grocery shoppings (and other out-and-abouts) whenever we go- and then if I'm too tired to drive home, that's not a big deal. He can do it; hopefully spoons shouldn't really be a problem after any of the committee meetings except the Botanical Bed Maintenance Committee- in which case I can just hang out at the Botanical Garden and enjoy it on my own for a while afterwards. So that shouldn't be a big deal.

#Personal #Life of a Disabled Homemaker #Religion and Magic #Calendar Nonsense #Master Gardening #Advice Welcome #2023 #Food Is the Ultimate Love Language #Gardening #NonTrad Housewife #NonTrad Homemaker #Pagan Homemaker #Pagan Housewife #Homemaker #Homemaking #Housewife #NonTrad Homemaking #Pagan Homemaking #Verderer #Hearthkeeper #Queer Homemaker #Queer Homemaking #Queer Housewife #Disabled Homemaker #Disabled Housewife #Disabled Homemaking #Domestic Witch #Domestic Witchcraft #Green Witch #Green Witchcraft

[pretentioussongtitle]

They stopped my chemo after ten rounds instead of the full 12 because the neuropathy (nerve damage) in my hands and feet was getting bad. It's thrown my balance off and made my hands weak and clumsy (I have to look at my keyboard when I type because I can't feel the keys at all.)

The good news is that other than that I would feel just about normal, which is a definite improvement over where I was before. (A few months ago my oncologist confessed that when she first saw me in November I was so sick she wasn't sure I'd survive till Christmas.)

I go in for scans next week to see what's going on with the cancer, but for now things are as positive as they can be. Annoying as it is I was lucky to come through intensive chemo with nerve damage as my only lingering symptom and while I am still terminal there is hope the rest of my life might be measured in years instead of months.

#cancer #terminal

[two-bit-socrates]

Found out one of the issues I've been struggling with in the last few weeks that got progressively worse since I got my Steamed Dick is a type of neuropathy called cubital tunnel syndrome and I got called the fuck out when I learned the more laymen term is, now, called 'Cell Phone Elbow.' Apparently no matter what I do to help myself recuperate from some ailment I'm going to be afflicted with another one, yay!

I at least learned some stretches that have helped a lot but I still need to go in for an assessment to make sure it's only cell phone elbow and not three neuropathies in a trench coat. Also to ask about sleep braces.

Anyway, trying to figure out what to play on my desktop while I'm trying not to bend my elbow for a week since I can't play with my Steamed Dick for the time being until we can get a dock and two or three other things as well as further treatment that I'm willing to do to help my arm.

#I hate everything: transexpire edition

[tox-talks]

Coliseum traumatized me a few years ago and I've never been able to do it since, not that I can physically do it without hurting myself anyway. I spent 12 hours straight clicking during a bout of hyperfixation trying to get carpenter bees (or whichever bees the purple ones are), did not get the bees, and gave myself lifelong cubital tunnel and neuropathy in my hand. Clicking like that for any length of time aggravates it now and causes pain. I can't do coli anymore. That's why my dragons are always starving lmao. Gathering turns don't really do much for me.

It's also why I ask for food so often, because short of buying it, which I can't afford, I have a hard time keeping my dragons fed.

Thinking of reducing the number of dragons I have, but I'm not sure.

(if you want to donate to the food cause, my UN is toxictoxophilite)

#tox talks #tox plays games #flight rising #Most of my dragons are actually in the hibernal den. #I have lore for most of my dragons and that's why I have a hold on them. #but i really need to let a lot of them go.

[were-link]

I wasn't sure for a bit if I was always shifted or not but now I know I definitely am. sometimes I don't see my limbs but I can feel them, feel the sharpness of my claws my muzzle n ears n tail. Though with my neuropathy it can make it hard feeling my limbs. N for a while I thought it was just phantom shifts but it's very different from my horse phantom shifts. When I have horse phantom shifts it feels fuzzy, can't feel every detail of the limb. But my werewolf or dog limbs I feel my fur, I feel when wind hits it and how it moves, I feel the shape of my limbs and how my skin feels over them, feel my bones n the shape of them

#physically nonhuman #nonhuman #lycanthrope #werewolf #holothere

[janeaustenprotagonist]

"and he said "it's supposed to be fun turning 21"

the annual birthday breakdown.

you hear all these people talking about what if you talked to 14 year old you, what would they say? well 14 year old me would be disappointed in us. 14 year old me would wonder why I haven't gone to the golden globes, or emmys, or tonys. 14 year old me would ask why we didn't get into college for opera and why we didn't get into the program. they'd ask why I'm in a wheelchair bc we're perfectly "able bodied." they'd ask why I'm sick bc we're "not sick." they'd ask why were not famous yet. they'd ask why we haven't been successful yet. they'd ask why am I considering alternative career routes bc "there can't be any backup plans, then you won't make it." they'd ask why I'm not living in New York. they'd ask why I don't have an agent. they'd ask why is all the sides and scripts and sheet music just collecting dust. they'd ask why I failed to live out our dream.

my mother came to me the other day and asked what I wanted to do for my 21st birthday. I said I didn't know I wasn't really thinking about it. she said I was "too old" for these silly birthday breakdowns. I see birthdays as a time to reflect on the past year and years prior, to see if I succeeded in everything I wanted to experience. every. single. year. I fail to meet those expectations. every single year, I fail myself. every single year I fail.

this year I thought it would be different, for some asinine reason. I'm not entirely sure why I thought I'd be okay this year, why I wouldn't breakdown this year. my birthday is sunday. happy fucking birthday to me. I'm turning the exciting age of 21. everyone is always excited for 21, it's the age you can legally drink and purchase some... other stuff as well. but I can't drink. my liver decided to try to commit s@/cide in december. so all of the quote on quote "fun" I can have on my birthday is completely ripped out from under me.

here's a fun little timeline of my birthdays

9-15: dad wasn't there

16: dad was there, but barely. got sushi and to see wicked.

17: my aunt died a week prior, so my birthday sucked. I had to stay at my other aunt's house and it really fucking sucked.

18: I tried to turn things around by planning a little online birthday party for myself playing online cards against humanity with a few of my best friends and my (now ex) fiancé. but surprise surprise, everyone except one bailed on my birthday INCLUDING MY EX FIANCÉ who claimed to need to "write an essay," but words whispered he was actually cheating on me with the umpteenth girl.

19: had classes the day of my birthday and my (now ex) gf ignored me the whole day and then a week TO THE DAY after my birthday I was diagnosed with RARE BRAIN CANCER and LOST THE ABILITY TO WALK DUE TO SMALL NERVE NEUROPATHY.

20: my uncle died a week before my birthday (SAME DAY AS MY AUNT), all my extended family came to live with us. my (now ex) bf broke up with me a WEEK BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY. through. a. fucking. text. a couple of my friends took me out for the day and we made a day of it and I got a build a bear which I love but fuckola.

now, 21. I once referred to a year an "unwanted visitor," but I believe this age is even less wanted than the year. I now have a lovely partner who dotes over me and makes me feel like I am a goddess, I have friends who love me and make me feel wanted. and I'm on antidepressants. I'm happy, I really am and it's shocking to read after this long of a post. but as you can see, I struggle with my birthday. I struggle with it immensely. my partner was trying to plan something for my birthday but shit kept getting in the way and of course now he can't get off work. he already made plans with me for the first day he has off but fuck.

I feel like everything always falls apart around my birthday. people begin fighting. others become severely depressed. it's that last push of winter before the spring flowers break ground.

I always feel as if I never truly celebrate my birthday. others celebrate it, but not me. it's an out of body experience. I don't feel real or to exist in this realm on that day. I feel incredibly empty on that day. I try to look happy and try to look excited, play the part for the camera. it's difficult to hide the ripped up quick, and scabs scarring from being picked. the waterworks welling in my eyes, one blow and it'll drown us all. I hate my birthday.

maybe if I took it as something it's not like most. maybe if I took it as something fun rather than a day to reflect. maybe if I took it as a day to relax rather than sobbing into a journal at 2am.

I'm not sure how much therapy it's going to take for me to like my birthday again, especially since I never have liked it.

I don't know how to tell my partner that I wish he wasn't so excited for my birthday. it's such a hard day for me. I've never had anyone excited about my birthday and it's hard for me to see that. he said I am "special and deserve to be treated as such." I've never had anyone say that to me. I don't know how to tell him that I'm struggling with this day. this stupid day we celebrate being alive another year. I wish it wasn't such a big deal. I know I have a lot to celebrate but I don't like celebrating it. other holidays? yes I love celebrating. but not my birthday. I don't know how to look my partner in the eye and say I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I think that might break his heart. all I want is to rot in bed, with him and not think about impending doom for a moment.