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navykangaroo59 · 3 years

Text

Crushes

Wolfstar (Sirius Black x Remus Lupin)

Word count: 4k

Warnings: no warnings apply :)

Summary: Remus Lupin didn’t ‘do’ crushes. He could count the number of people he’d ever fancied in his 19 years of life on one hand. That is, until university comes around.

Notes:

Hey so I wrote this in a day and read through it a few times, but that's it, so if there's mistakes I apologise.

In my mind, I've basically plonked the main characters into a University setting, and added new characters who aren't in the canon. Just the main ones. Cool.

Also there's lots of flashbacks in this, so I've tried to differentiate with ---, but if it's confusing let me know!

Scroll down to read :))

Remus Lupin didn’t ‘do’ crushes.

He could count the number of people he’d ever fancied in his 19 years of life on one hand.

Of course, he thought when he’d officially declared himself “Not Entirely StraightTM” it would all start to make sense: he’d be instantly attracted to people and understand what all his mates would go on about, waxing lyrical about their newest crush and how perfect they were. James said he instantly knew Lily was ‘The One’ (James’ words, not Remus’) when he first laid eyes on her, and Remus could not for the life of him understand it.

--- “… and then she turned around me and asked for a pen! Me, guys! SHE approached ME! Why is nobody as excited about this as I am???” ---

James had first seen Lily when he was round at Remus’. She’d walked into the kitchen, and James had gone completely slack-jawed. Remus introduced them. “Oh yeah, James, this is my flatmate, Lily.”

James had just stared.

Remus elbowed him in the side. “What the f-. Right. Yeah. Hi. James. Lily. Hi Lily. James.”

Lily gave a confused smile, before going back to the kettle.

When she’d left, James turned to Remus. “Dude. She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

--- Sirius chuckled and slung an arm over his best mate’s shoulders. “Nah mate, we’re all over the moon for you – right guys?”

“Yeah, but I hate to see you if she ever says yes to going out with you. We’d have to give you CPR.” Remus replied drily. Sirius barked back a laugh and beamed at Remus; Remus ignored the warm feeling in his stomach. ---

The first time he’d fancied someone, he was 7 years old. Rebecca was clever, he remembered that much, and she had long hair that she wore in a single braid down the back of her head. He remembered always wanting to make her laugh and feeling so special when they were in the same group for reading. But, because he was 7 and a literal child, nothing happened. They grew apart, went to different secondary schools. They were friends on Facebook, and that was about it.

--- “Guys can you please shut up? I’m trying to get this done for half 1!” Peter was frantically typing God-knows-what on his laptop, looking slightly manic behind the eyes.

Sirius arched an eyebrow and showed him his watch. “Uh, mate, you know it’s now 2, right?”

“Ah fuck’s sake I’m gonna miss my fucking seminar fuck, fuck, fuck.” Peter quickly shoved his laptop away and ran out of the café, before turning back and grabbing his jacket from the back of the chair. “See you guys later!” He called, causing a few people around them to turn their heads and tut. The others chuckled at their hopeless friend, and James started talking to Sirius about some football match or something. Remus took another sip of his tea.

---

The second time he’d liked someone, he was 14. He remembered desperately wanting to be friends with the new boy, because he was cool and clever and sarcastic and tall, and Remus liked how his hair flopped over his glasses. Remus liked him because he was unapologetically himself – he had a confidence to like what he liked without fear of ridicule. Remus wasn’t used to that. Like most teenagers, he was desperately self-conscious: tall, lanky and covered with scars from constant surgeries while growing up. Looking back, it’s clear that Remus clearly fancied Liam, but at the time he’d thought it was nothing more than a friend-crush. But they were 14, and Remus didn’t know he could like the same gender, so nothing happened.

--- “Remus?” Sirius asked, rudely forcing Remus out of his daydream.

“Hm?”

Sirius gave him an affectionate chuckle. “I said, are you doing anything tonight?”

“Oh. Nah, not really. I have some reading that needs doing before Monday, so I might head to the library when you guys head out.”

“Oh, Remus how we could all aspire to be you…”

Remus rolled his eyes.

“Anyway, I ask because we’re having a party at our flat tonight, and you’re coming.” Sirius beamed.

Remus sighed. He wasn’t a huge fan of parties – too many people in too small a space – but he knew his friends loved them. For them, it was an excuse to drink and socialise, but he always ended up the one looking after James or Peter when they drank too much.

Sirius smiled at him again. Remus could never resist that smile. “Fine.”

“Also, if you wanted to bring Lily that would also be very cool and very good…” James trailed off, looking down at his coffee. He knew that if James wasn’t hosting this party tonight, he’d be begging to come round to Remus’ in the off chance that Lily would briefly be in the kitchen when cooking dinner.

Remus couldn’t help but laugh. “Sure man, I’ll message the group chat – maybe Dorcas might want to come too?”

Sirius nodded his head and beamed at him. “Sure, more the merrier!”

---

Crush number 3: he was 17. Ana was funny and clever, and they’d bonded over their love of reading and their sarcastic sense of humour. They’d messaged every day while Remus was staying with his grandparents in Wales, and every day when she was on holiday in Spain. But they spent a long time apart, and Remus hadn’t been able to muster up the same feelings after a while. He broke it off with her after he got home. He did it over message. He wasn’t proud of that.

--- Sirius downed the last of his coffee, and with a dramatic flourish he stood up and shrugged his jacket on. “Ok lads, I have to go and argue with some absolute pricks. I will see you-” he winked at Remus, causing the other boy to go sightly pink, “-tonight.”

“It’s gonna be so good! And please remember to ask Lily?” James looked at Remus hopefully, warranting a quiet snort: “Yeah of course mate. No promises she’ll agree to come though.”

James shook his head, ever the optimist. “Cheers!” He ran out of the door after Sirius. ---

He’d started university in September last year, being put in halls with 5 other complete strangers. He’d taken a shine to one of them: a boy from Aberdeen. The entire flat had sat round the kitchen table, drinking and getting to know each other, but something about this boy caught Remus’ eye. He was tall, well-built, with dirty blonde hair he constantly styled away from his face, and a gentle Scottish accent. He was sarcastic, and funny, and Remus fell hard. The two flirted with each other constantly, becoming extremely tactile without even realising it. They stayed up until the early morning hours, just talking, one leaning on the other. They talked about previous crushes, and things that had shaped them as human beings. Remus thought he’d found his match.

One night, they were sat in the kitchen, the only two still awake, as per usual. Remus was leaning on Henry’s chest while they lay on the sofa, enjoying the quiet, and talking about anything that came to their minds. Remus was clutched with a sudden confidence. He turned his head, and kissed Henry on the cheek. Henry returned by pressing himself onto Remus’ lips: that was his first kiss.

--- Remus, still sipping his tea, struggled to suppress a shudder as he thought about how the relationship turned out. He took out a book and tried to become as engrossed as he normally did, but his brain wouldn’t stop the thoughts from flowing.

---

Nothing much happened after they kissed. Things went back to normal, except now Remus couldn’t stop his heart lurching whenever Henry entered the room. He wanted to be where the other boy was at all times.

One night, when the flat were watching a film, Henry and Remus were sharing a sofa and blanket. Halfway through, Remus felt Henry’s hand slowly wander to his inner thigh. He felt his phone buzz:

After the film, meet me in my room.

They kept that up for the next few months. Always at night, after everyone was asleep. It was established that this relationship was secret – they were friends with benefits, nothing more. They’d spend hours fooling around, eventually falling asleep next to each other, but Remus was never able to sleep. To be only friends with benefits killed Remus inside. He kept up with it because he couldn’t separate his feelings: he really liked Henry. He didn’t want this to stop.

Then Henry met a girl. As soon as he told Remus, Remus thought he was going to be sick. “It’s fine Remus! We can stop whatever thing we have. No feelings – clean break. Right?”

“Sure.” He’d said.

Remus wasn’t the same after that. He couldn’t eat; he felt constantly nauseous. He skipped lectures, he skipped going out with his friends. It was worse when Henry brought the girl to the flat. Remus would walk into the kitchen, see them making out on the sofa, and want to be sick or cry or scream, before running straight back to his room again.

Most of his flat didn’t notice his change in character, but nothing got past Lily. Lily was Remus’ closest friend, and the first friend he made at uni. One night, after he hadn’t eaten anything all day, Lily forced him to tell her everything. So, he did. And she didn’t judge. And for that he was incredibly grateful. She helped him get better.

He was grateful for his other friends too, although he didn’t confide in them as much as he did Lily. James and Sirius knew each other from secondary school, but it took a while for Remus and Sirius to meet. He’d met James from getting lost on the first day of uni, when both he and James arrived at the same room for completely different lectures. Turns out, James was in the next building – for a Geography student, James was so bad with directions – but they quickly became friends.

Crush number 5 started about a year ago: just before Summer break. James invited Remus (and, naturally, Lily) to a huge end-of-year party at his studio flat. Remus had been debriefed about James’ other two friends: “You’ll know which one’s Sirius and which one’s Peter: just look for the one that has to have a stupid name like Sirius Black.”

When they’d arrived, Remus’ first thought was that James was right. You instantly know which one is Sirius Black. His hair was raven-black (because of course it was), perfectly tousled, and in a bun that had the audacity not to look ridiculous. High cheekbones, sharp jawline, stormy grey eyes. You’d never be able to tell that this man and Remus were the same age: Remus with his second-hand jumpers and converse, compared to this Greek God of a human in his leather jacket and perfectly battered Doc Martins. Yeah, Remus guessed this was a man called Sirius Black.

He accidentally caught Sirius’ eye, and quickly looked away.

“Hey Sirius! Come meet my friends!” James hollered, and Sirius lifted an eyebrow. He wandered over, giving Remus and Lily and big grin. “Why, hello.”

After being introduced to Sirius and Peter, James quickly cornered Lily in a conversation, and Remus was left alone. He took a cider from the table, keen to avoid whatever drinking game was going on, and went to look for somewhere quiet. He ended up out on the balcony, enjoying the summer air and the bit of peace and quiet.

He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice the glass door slide open and close behind him. “What’cha thinking about?”

Remus looked up, startled. Sirius stood next to him, 2 cider bottles hanging loosely from his fingers, gentle smile on his lips.

“Oh, nothing much. Just needed some air – there’s so many people in there.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

They collapsed into a comfortable silence for a bit, looking out on to the roads below. Sirius offered the second cider bottle to Remus, who took it.

“You know, I’m annoyed I didn’t meet you sooner.” Sirius mused, bringing the bottle to his lips.

Remus was taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“James always talks about you – he’s really glad he met you. And any friend of James’ is a friend of mine: he’s practically my brother.”

Remus felt warm – he was glad he’d found James as a friend too. He was so worried about being an outcast, or a loner, or not being able to find anybody, then James had been a friend, and Lily had been there for him, and he finally felt wanted.

“Yeah, I’m glad I met him too. Although it doesn’t help that his main reason for coming round is to ogle at my flatmate…”

Sirius chuckled to himself. “I’m actually very excited to meet the infamous Lily who keeps shutting down his advances – I’ve not seen it happen yet, but it always sounds hilarious.”

Remus laughed. “You’re definitely missing out. I could write a book called ‘How Not to Ask Out a Girl: A Guide by James Potter’ from all the attempts I’ve seen.”

Sirius had a hearty laugh: the kind of laugh that didn’t care who heard it.

They took another swig of their drinks. “You know, when James wasn’t allowed round yours earlier this year, I thought he was gonna lose his mind. It was kinda funny to see him pace the fucking walls like a trapped wild cat because he couldn’t see his friend or the ‘girl of his dreams’”. He used air quotes and gave a small laugh.

Remus instantly felt guilty. Truthfully, he hadn’t thought of the effect his low mental state would have had on James. He just assumed he would be fine with his other friends, but it seemed Remus’ friendship meant as much to James as James’ did to him.

“Ah shit, I’ve never actually apologised to James for that.”

“Apologise? Why would you apologise?”

Remus finished off his cider. “I wasn’t actually ill. Or rather, I was, but it wasn’t flu. I was in a bad way, but I didn’t tell anyone other than Lily. I don’t know, I didn’t want to scare James away with my mental health issues.” Remus gave a small nervous laugh, but Sirius looked at him intently.

“Do you mind me asking what happened?”

“Shit. No. It’s nothing. I’m sorry for bringing it up. You wouldn’t care. It’s nothing big, I promise.” Remus backtracked. He wasn’t about to offload his problems on to this – albeit gorgeous – complete stranger.

Sirius sighed. “That’s ok. You don’t have to talk to me. You have only just met me.” He gave a hopeful smile. “But I’m hoping we can become good friends?”

Remus blushed slightly, then coughed awkwardly. “I want another drink – any requests?”

Sirius laughed. “I’ve got a bottle of vodka in my room, I’ll grab it.” He walked towards the doors, then paused. “You can come with, if you want? It’s a lot warmer inside than out here.”

Remus blushed further. Before he realised it, he felt his head nodding, and his feet were following Sirius back into the party. Sirius immediately got pulled into a conversation - some argument between Pete and a girl Remus didn’t recognise - and Remus stood awkwardly on the sidelines, sipping his drink.

Eventually James called another round of beer pong, and Sirius was able to pull Remus away while most people were distracted. They left the main room, to the sounds of “Oh my god Potter you are going DOWN” as Lily versed James. Sirius laughed, and Remus tried to ignore the warm feeling of Sirius’ hand through his sleeve, and how his arm buzzed from where Sirius had grabbed him.

Sirius ushered them in, quickly closing the door and locking it behind him. “Sorry if this looks a bit suspicious – I just don’t like people I don’t know coming in my room looking for the bathroom. I promise you I’m not going to kill you.”

“That’s good to know, thank you.” Remus said drily, trying to ignore the situation he found himself in. Locked in a room with a very attractive man who he was clearly into. “Anyway, where’s this vodka then?”

Sirius grinned and reached to the back of the top of his wardrobe. His t-shirt hitched slightly, exposing his flesh, and Remus tried not to stare. He shook himself out of it, before smiling gratefully as he received the bottle from Sirius. He took a small swig and immediately shuddered. “That taste never gets better.” He pulled a face, handing the bottle back. Sirius laughed. He knocked his head back and drank some of the clear liquid. Unlike Remus, he had little reaction.

They spent the next hour or so in that room, passing the bottle back and forth. They sat in silence, until Remus, quite clearly drunk, announced, “You know, I’m so happy I found friends here. You’re my friend now.”

Sirius, not quite as drunk as Remus, grinned. “I’m glad to hear that.”

“Yes. And James is my friend. But I am a bad friend. Because I didn’t tell him that I wasn’t feeling good before.”

Sirius stayed quiet, but slowly put the bottle on the floor.

Remus kept talking: “I really liked this guy. He was amazing. We had the same sense of humour and he was attractive, and he found me attractive, which is really something rare.” Remus looked so earnest and gestured down at himself.

Sirius muttered under his breath. “You can’t believe that.”

Remus didn’t hear him. “And he flirted with me. And I thought we had a connection. But it turns out he didn’t like me back. He just wanted a mouth and an arse, and he would’ve taken any other person who had that too. He wanted friends with benefits, but I didn’t.” Remus went silent for a little bit. “I don’t want to be just a mouth and an arse, Sirius!” Horrifically, Remus’ eyes filled with tears. He was mortified. He was drunk, but he still didn’t want to cry in front of his new friend.

“Oh, Remus.” Sirius moved up the bed and hugged him tight.

“What if I can’t find anyone else Sirius? What if I’m destined to be nothing but a mouth and an arse for the next person? I really liked him! Now he’s with someone else! And he just threw me aside like I was nothing!”

Sirius rubbed comforting circles on Remus’ back while Remus sobbed into his shoulder.

“That really sucks, I’m sorry Remus. Why didn’t you tell James?”

“I was scared,” he hiccuped. “Sc-scared of being judged.”

Sirius took Remus firmly by the shoulders. “Remus - you should never be afraid of being judged. James adores you, and I think you’re amazing. I’m so glad I met you tonight - so you’re a part of our group now.”

Annoyingly, Remus burst into tears again. “I’ve never been part of a group before.”

The two of them sat there for a while, Sirius rubbing circles on Remus’ back, while Remus sobbed, finally coming to terms with how he was feeling about the entire situation. Sirius being so caring about someone who he knew so little about was enough to make Remus fall again.

--- They arrived at La Casa de James y Sirius (it was James who named it, trying to get Lily to be impressed with him) at about half 9, holding a box of ciders. James enthusiastically opened the door to them, yelling his welcome and not being able to take his eyes off Lily for the entire time he was leading them into the party. Lily immediately went off to dance with James (secretly Remus thought she was beginning to like him).

He grabbed himself a drink and plonked himself down on the sofa, people-watching. He recognised a few people here: people from Sirius’ football practise, people from James’ course that he’d met at different parties, girls who seemed to have a sixth sense to follow Sirius wherever he went…

Sirius. He couldn’t see him.

Normally he’d be chatting up every living thing in the room – including Remus, but he knew that was just a joke. Sirius was always joking. Of course he was, they were best friends. But that didn’t help Remus’ poor heart.

Suddenly there was a large shout. “Truth or dare everyone! Everyone, sit down at the sofas and bring your drink!” Remus didn’t have time to move before numerous people were sitting down around him. He looked up and saw Sirius whispering conspiratorially with Lily, before barging through and plonking himself down on the arm of the chair next to Remus. “I’m so glad you could make it.” He winked at him.

“Sirius, there isn’t enough room on the arm of the chair for your arse - find somewhere else to sit.” Remus tutted, mainly because he was conscious that Sirius would slowly slide down and their legs would be touching, and he wouldn’t be able to think straight if that happened.

“Oh, what was that about my arse, Rem? But, I thank you for offering your lap as a substitute.” Sirius smirked, then plonked himself half on Remus and half on the arm of the chair, arm reaching round Remus’ shoulders. Remus’ heart skipped a beat. This is normal. Friends are touchy-feely. This happens all the time. He thought to himself. But he couldn’t stop his pulse racing a little faster than normal.

Lily raised an eyebrow at the display but said nothing. Remus had told her how he felt about Sirius a while back, but refused to act on it, and Lily found that infuriating. “At least I know where Potter stands with me – you should just tell him!”

“No, Lils, he’s my best friend. I’m not going to lose him.”

James laughed at the two of them and began. “Ok! You pick truth or dare. Drink if you don’t answer the truth or do the dare. Easy. I’ll go first. Dare.” Sirius called out a suggestion. “Do a headstand!”

James grinned. “Gladly.” Obviously just eager to show off to Lily, he went to the wall and did something that somewhat resembled a headstand. Lily shook her head affectionately.

James came back to the circle, flushed red and hair tousled. “Ok I’m gonna choose…. Remus! Truth or dare!”

Oh, God. “Uh, truth, please.”

“Who’s the hottest boy here?”

Remus’ heart sped up. He decided to make a joke out of it. “I was gonna say James, but considering Sirius is within battering distance and I don’t fancy being slapped tonight, I’m gonna say him.”

Sirius laughed. “Oh, Remus, you’re too kind.” He brought his head down to Remus’ ear, his warm breath sending shivers down Remus’ spine, “I would’ve said you.”

Remus’ eyes opened wide, like a startled deer, but Sirius threw his head back nonchalantly, like nothing had been said. Had Remus imagined it?

“Remus, choose someone!” James shouted.

“Oh, r-right, ok. Sirius: truth or dare?”

“Dare me, baby.”

Lily jumped up. “I dare you to kiss Remus!”

Remus’ heart sank as James whooped and the crowd joined in. “Kiss kiss kiss!”. Not like this.

Sirius faltered ever-so-slightly. “Wait. No. I’m gonna drink.”

The group booed him, but Sirius just threw up two fingers, and ignored them.

Remus would be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed, but equally glad. He obviously wanted to kiss Sirius. So, so, badly. But he didn’t want it to happen this way. They were friends. He didn’t want to jeopardise that.

The game went on pretty uneventfully. Sirius didn’t do anything else out of the ordinary. Peter was asked to kiss one of the girls, and everyone cheered him on, and when he was finished, he was blushing bright pink and looking slightly dazed.

Remus shuffled out from underneath Sirius, who looked slightly dejected at his leaving. He made his way to the bathroom. Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, he stared at the wall, lost in thought. The boy was so confusing! Remus thought he was straight! Now he was flirting!

But he always flirted. Another part of his brain argued, that’s just who he was.

No. He wouldn’t think anything more of it. He’d lost a friend in Henry by acting on feelings and got hurt in the process. He didn’t want the same thing to happen with Sirius.

He splashed some water on his face to cool himself down. God, why couldn’t things be easy?!

He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and saw a message from Sirius. Meet me in my room. Please?

Ignoring the voice screaming at him that this was a mistake, Remus waited 5 minutes, taking deep breaths and figuring out his next course of action. He found himself stood outside of Sirius’ door, heart hammering against his chest. He knocked gently.

“Come in.”

Sirius was sat on the bed, same position as a year ago when Remus broke down in his arms. He looked beautiful – he always did. He wasn’t wearing his jacket anymore, so Remus could see black ink peeking from under the sleeves of his t-shirt.

Remus shook his head and shut the door. In three steps, Sirius was directly in front of him, one hand on the door to the side of his head, the other shutting the door and locking it. Remus’ heart hammered inside his chest. This couldn’t be happening.

Sirius’ eyes flick to his lips, then back to his eyes. “Remus. Can I kiss you?”

Remus barely had the chance to say yes – oh my god, yes – before Sirius’ lips were crashing onto his. Remus didn’t know where to put his hands, so ran them through that oh-so-perfect hair, messing it up just a little bit more.

They pulled away, and Sirius looked even more beautiful – if that’s even possible – with his lips swollen and his hair messy.

Remus placed his forehead on the other boy’s. “And here I was, thinking you were straight.”

Sirius chuckled deeply. “Not quite.”

Remus pulled away. “Sirius, please tell me you’re serious. I’m not losing another friendship after acting on urges.”

Sirius placed one hand on either side of Remus’ face, caressing it gently with his thumbs. “Remus Lupin, I have fancied you since I saw you staring at me when you first walked in. You’re beautiful. I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently and it’s been driving me mad because you’re so goddamn beautiful and you have no idea. You know the first time you were in this room, you said one of the main reasons you liked ‘he-who-must-not-be-named’ was because he flirted with you, and that was a miracle in itself. Do you not see how wrong you are? You’re so goddamn beautiful I could lose my mind over it.” He placed a small kiss on Remus’ lips.

Remus didn’t know what to say. He was so taken aback by all of it. “But… why now, why choose this moment to kiss me? To tell me this?”

Sirius had the nerve to look sheepish. “I might have asked Lily to shout that dare for the two of us to kiss. I was basically hoping you liked me back, and Lily told me to go for it. But, when I had to kiss you, I chickened out. Even when not-quite-sober, I was scared.”

He looked so vulnerable, so open. Remus placed one hand on the nape of Sirius’ neck and kissed him again. Passionately. Like this was the culmination of every single crush he’d ever had. This was what he’d been leading up to.

Remus Lupin didn’t ‘do’ crushes. He could count the number of people he’d ever fancied in his 19 years of life on one hand, and he didn’t want to count any higher.

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