#my ocd just keeps getting worse

[byeindigo]

top 10 emotional damage moments

#do not reblog #going thru some stuff and when that happens i have to find the old records of people who are supposed to be my friends talking about me like #i’m shit #i want to get better but i literally do not know how #my ocd just keeps getting worse #i cannot find the girl i was anymore #i’m constantly trying to figure out when i am likeable and when i’m not #i shake nightly like a chihuahua #i need alice #i want to go back in time and make the opposite decisions #i want to go home #at least i know the person who wrote this is far more annoying than i am #pretentious #and also sort of a tag along? #not a great sense of when people don’t want them around #i am saying this in case they see it because i want to be cruel right back to them #which isn’t very nice but tonight they have emotionally damaged me

[darknessontheedgeoftowndyke]

. Doctor appointment next Monday. Scared

#I’m ngl I am very worried I might be made to go inpatient #I just can’t seem to take care of myself. #and it’s genuinely scary to even look in the mirror atp #I just keep losing more and more weight and my ocd is getting worse #idk what to do #Ed tw #em.txt

[kingspuppet]

My OCD has been so incredibly bad today and I'm kinda shaky now because of it. So I just wanna talk and think about Goro to try and get my mind away from it. That being said, if anyone has anything specific they'd like me to touch on let me know!! (No pressure to do so, of course. 💙)

#; OOC || Bri ♟️ #//I really wish OCD was the stereotype of just being obsessive about cleanliness because the reality of it is so much worse. #//Thankfully I see both my psychiatrist and therapist this week so I'll be alright! It was just a really rough day. #//So I'm gonna try to spend the rest of my evening/night relaxing to the best of my abilities. #//And maybe if I'm feeling up to it later I'll get to some replies (IC and OOC). But if not I'll try again tomorrow. #//Once again thank you guys for being so patient with me. 💙 #; To Be Deleted || Keep That Shit to Yourself ♟️

[liesyousoldme]

.

#i’m so. i don’t know. i keep opening tumblr and scrolling my dash and i KNOW it’s a literal symptom of my ocd #and that i should use my coping mechanisms to stop bc i’m too invested #but also my body is fucking me all the way up right now. #chemo puts me into menopause and when i get off my body restarts my period #and the hormones make me fucking insane and that’s where so much of the depression is coming from rn #but i can’t tell if it’s JUST that or if my feelings about this fandom are valid and i need to step away #essentially i feel ignored and invisible and like. honestly i feel like i don’t belong here #and yes that has to do with a certain group of bloggers in this fandom that are exclusionary toward everyone outside their circle but also #i have that stupid lonely high school feeling in this fandom like my friends are really just acquaintances and i’m always just to the left #and that feeling has always existed for me here but it’s so much worse right now which is why i think oh it’s hormones. i just need #to step back until i’m feeling better. but then i can’t stop fucking scrolling and checking my empty notifications #anyway i don’t even know why im saying any of this. i can’t exactly talk about it in real life so #i needed it off my chest i guess. #cancer post #maybe i just need to delete the fucking app altogether

[watercolourpeony]

i can’t seem to make myself do anything at all 

#am i feeling even worse than usual bc of my meds idk #i'm on 3x the maximum dose which i was told would help my ocd/bdd #it hasn't done anything #:( #just made me even more tired i think #why don't meds do anything for me #i just have no motivation #idk what to do other than ramble to myself bc no one can help me #there's so much i should be doing but i just can't #all i keep thinking is how pointless everything is #and how things are only going to get worse #that i'm unfixable #meaningless #worthless #unbearably lonely #i just idk what to do #pretty such my gp practice hate me they made me feel so uncared for and worthless and stupid #therapy never helps me #why don't i respond to anything #i really feel i have tried #i've been on so many medications but i'm just broken nothing helps #i'm just so sad #i am grateful things aren't worse but i live in constant dread of bad things happening #i'm so tired

[kajiimotojiiro]

Ugh

#im going to ramble in these tags for a bit so that the potentially triggering tags #are located way way way down and no one will look at them i just #so uh yeah hows the weather anyone else having insane sinus drainage #i actually had a patient call me today worried because her nose was running and her head hurt and im like #well if it isnt getting worse and its only been a few days and you have no other symptoms you probs have sinus issues like everyone else #in this state but if youre super worried and antihistamines dont help please contact your doctor i appreciate your faith in a pharmacist #being able to diagnose over the phone but i actually legally cannot do that #are these tags long enough yet #possibly but who knows anyway if youre here uhhh tw animal death ahead #im a petsitter and have been for like. 10 years now and i share sits with my mom sometimes bc i work full time and cant always get there #anyway at one of our shared sits today she went in and one of the little cats was just #suddenly dead. like she wasnt that old and yet she was just. stiff and gone and we're both just so fucked up over it #like i wish there had been some sign and we could have saved her even though it was likely an unfixable heart defect #and her people apparently had taken her to the vet LAST WEEK and didnt bother to tell us that she seemed to be feeling poorly last week #and theyre just like oh we'll get a new cat when we come back #meanwhile my ocd has been going insane since then bc i have really bad intrusive thoughts centering on keeping my cats alive #like half of my rituals are specifically for my cats #and i just keep think about poor sammie dying alone and scared bc we werent there with her and her people had been gone since friday #and it just makes me so fucking sad my heart is breaking but i cant stop thinking about it and no distractions are working #rip sammie you were such a sweet little cat and im so sorry you had to go alone and scared

[gncatelier]

i hate hate hate those new ads on here that are like “find these 5 things in the picture” I want to scroll past them but my (supposed) ocd will be like “ you have to find those 5 differences or else you’re whole family will die” like. please stop

#i feel like my symptoms just keep getting worse. #but the last thing on my mind is getting a diagnosis I have a ton of other mental health shit I’m dealing with #ugh #sirenmaespeaks #ocd tw #i guess? #ocd

[hecksupremechips]

Shinjiro Aragaki 🤝 Rebecca Gales

Mom friends who constantly try telling others how they should live their lives and believe they know what’s best for everyone else who would explode and die if anyone did the same to them

#the klock keeps ticking #theres always a damn pattern with my faves somewhere AAGHHHH #theyre just like me and i hate it #that was another thing i really liked about the shinji social episodes in reload was that bit where hes telling minato to always keep his #promises and minato is like ‘but you arent keeping your own promises???’ its like lol get his ass #and yeah just rebecca and shinji are characters who i firmly believe to have ocd and its my hill to die on #like with rebecca shes just very obsessive over her relationships like particularly with ashton she clings to a version of him she built in #her head and she gets very angry and depressed when he doesnt fit that mold and she just tries to organize her life around her obsession #and shinji i love to imagine castor being like a metaphor for intrusive thoughts like shinji is terrified of losing control #and terrified that he is dangerous and that hes capable of seriously hurting the people he loves #so much so that he isolates himself from everyone as a way of protecting them and he takes suppression drugs to kill the intrusive thoughts #but much like what happens when you try to repress intrusive thoughts this doesnt go well and it harms him even further #but he believes its the right thing to do because at least he wont be dangerous anymore and its what he deserves #and you know isolation and desperately trying to drown away your intrusive thoughts only leads to worse obsession #im so normal about him and his relationship with his persona #this man has so much ocd my god and so does rebecca and im not TRYING TO PROJECT OKAY IT JUST KEEPS HAPPENING #theyre my faves for a reason 😩 #anyways i think these two would be iconic besties and also possibly horrible together cuz theyd both be trying to tell the other how to fix #themselves and neither of them would listen but i mean theyd bond over cooking rebecca could infodump and shinji would listen #rebecca would see how shinji lives and shed be like ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT and insist on getting him in a safe environment #which who knows whod win shinji is awfully stubborn but rebecca is very scary and will whack a bitch with a book #shinji would see her thing with ashton and be like giving her some wise but harsh reality check which is really funny to imagine #like rebecca just gets this life lesson from some emo 18 year old shed be like ‘what do you know’ and then cry in the bathroom #i think theyd have such a big soft spot for each other though and they would be very powerful together and kick many asses

[alolan-weavile]

…

#i don’t normally like talking about my ocd on here #I’m only recently diagnosed (in the last year) but learning that made so much of my life beforehand Click #unfortunately no meds I’ve tried have really Helped with that fact #and it’s been getting pretty bad lately. to the point that any interaction at work has me hand sanitizing or jetting off to the restroom #but the worst worst worst part is my kitty keeps tracking litter around the entire apartment #today it drove me absolutely INSANE where I had a little bit of a breakdown and just sat and teared up #because I just feel so overwhelmed. i can’t keep wiping down every desk and surface because I know it’s insane but the thought of litter #being all around me is making my skin c r a w l #and it really sucks because she’s such a good kitty and doesn’t even track that much #but it just. i don’t know what to do it’s been driving me absolutely bonkers for abt two months now and only getting worse #arugh

[fallenfromtoohigh]

I tried to tell her about the hair thing because it's physically hard to look at because it makes my brain feel bad and hurty from the ocd and it would be so easy to fix and she just had to pick a fucking fight about it and go on about it the whole day. all I wanted to do was let her know about it and tell her she could cut off this little bit and then we fought and I felt so shitty. and then now she's eating when she's not even hungry so I tell her "hey that's goign to make you feel sick" because that's what happens! every time! for both of us! and she fucking goes "no you're SUPPOSED to eat when you aren't hungry" and refused to give any reason why and wouldn't listen to me when I told her and she always fucking does this and fights with me and acts like she's so righteous and then when I get mad she tries to analyze everything wrong with me like she actually fucking knows ANYTHING about me and I ended up crying in the kitchen and now my whole family's concerned and she's acting like she didn't do anything and goigng "ohhh I'm SO sorry if I said something that made you sad :(((" and my whole fuckign night is ruined and I'm going to have to spend hours making bracelets and watching hermitcraft to self regulate because she's too stuck in her own world to realize that MAYBE picking fights on purpose with your equally mentally ill brother is NOT going to make him see your stupid ass points that don't make sense but instead make him hate you even more

#I was already having a shitty day #because I'm tired and my body hurts and the fucking wes thing #and she goes and does all this shit #and now I feel even worse #and I have gym tomorrow so I can't even see my friends as much to try and keep my mood regulated #plus the ocd is getting worse and I can't even tell my mom #because she'll say #oh no you don't have that you're just copying your sister #like why would I want to copy her I hate her #she is the source of the majority of my fucking trauma

[spocksmalewife]

Nothing 2 c here folks keep scrolling

#been really wondering if ADHD has been my problem all my life #like i was a very inattentive kid and would act out #then went through about a 10-year period after my dad left where i 'smartened up' #but really i was just tamping down the symptoms by relying on an OCD crutch of having to hyper control everything #and then burnt out around the late 10s #and since the pandy started it's been a fucking free-for-all like i feel my brain deteriorating #but i think it's been me finally being able to relax #and now even the thought of having to get myself organized sends me into a spiral because i know i'll have to end up relying on the same #crutches again #it's either just balls to the wall free for all winging session or get my ass in gear stressed 24/7 about missing deadlines nightmare #either way i can't win #doesn't help that the crutches are ARFID and it's been getting worse and worse #and doesn't help that after going vegetarian for a decade i keep getting these terrible intrusive thoughts that my mental decay is due to #me not getting proper nutrition and that my heart is gonna up and fail #but tbh i've always been that way sigh #AND IT DOESN'T HELP THAT MY SO-CALLED 'DOCTOR' FATHER keeps feeding these fears by saying how he failed me and should have been around to #make sure i ate better #and that i only have until the age of 25 to fix things before there's IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE #wow it's almost like mental illness is hereditary 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 #vent

[cack1e]

my mom tryna comfort me over brain problems by saying its all just in my head and i just need to travel the world

#shoutout obsessive tendencies that have existed my entire life and just keep getting worse #i think there is a possibility i may be developing some form of ocd #which is super cool! so great! i dont think travelling will help with that at all though #+ travelling the world expensive bad for the environment i dont even like travelling so it would never work

[allsadnshit]

My co worker showed me how to set up my voicemail box after a decade of not having one and to my surprise an entire decade of voicemails started coming in. I was listening to the ones from 2014 and it was so many missed moments. My step mom trying to call me during my dads first intervention. I thought she just never said anything. A really happy loving voicemail of my old best friend singing he misses me was wanted to hang out. A million voice messages from my nai nai saying she just wanted to touch base. My first coffee manager telling me I got the job. My first art curator asking if I had anything I wanted to sell.

It took me all my energy at work not to have a complete mental breakdown.

I've been talking so much about grief this year because to my surprise, finally feeling safe and finally starting to process a lifetime of stunted emotions has been the most painful and joyful thing I've ever experienced. No one tells you when your mind and body protect you from harm with disassociation that when you finally come out of it, you will be left alone with all your feelings and the moment will have passed. I feel like I've let everyone I ever loved down, especially when I got sick. I feel like everyone watched my become emotionally unavailable and unable to trust, and pulled away with every hard thing that happened to me this last decade and now the truth is I don't have any friends. No one made it through the wreckage, and I am second guessing if I even did now. I stopped being able to eat anything, go out, or even look my loved ones in the eye my last few years in my hometown and then I feel like I acted so rashly and so emotionally manic calling crying after not talking for months and they must have thought I was so unstable and selfish and now I am scared that's a fair description.

I feel like I wasn't myself for a really long time and nothing could get through to me even though I was desperate for connection. Family, friends, relationships all passed me by and I left everyone disappointed and confused while my chronic pain got worse and cycled into violence with my undiagnosed ocd keeping me housebound.

I feel like I am a million miles away by the time I am turning around hearing my name called out, and all I can do is stand there knowing it's an echo by now.

I don't understand why I am so bad at showing people I love them and need them. Even as I unravel it all in therapy, does it even matter when it's too late? I feel inconsolable and like I've never once been able to make the people who mattered to me felt like they did and now I am too scared to try.

So I'm gonna go home and eat dinner

#personal

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for threatening to get my best friend sectioned?

This actually happened 2 years ago, but last night he made a joke about it that kind of seemed like he might still be mad at me about it. So. Anyway, ages and all are written as they were at the time.

For context, my (18m) mom took guardianship of my friend (17m), called “J”, after his grandfather passed, a few months before this happened.

Not going into specifics, but J has struggled with OCD and an ED for years, and I suspect when he’s an adult he’ll probably get diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder at some point.

(Update from the Present: no dice… yet.)

A close family friend of his passed away and it caused his mental issues (particularly the ED) to get a lot worse really quickly.

Even thought my mom was technically his guardian, she kind of relied on me to keep tabs on him because he’s usually pretty honest with me compared to other people. Like, if he’s not doing well, I have the best chance of finding that out.

So. His family friend dies, he gets worse, I report all of this back to my mom, who starts trying to get some sort of more intensive treatment lined up for him (difficult and time consuming because of where we lived at the time).

My mom tells me not to tell J, because he “talks a big game” about not wanting treatment or whatever and she firmly believes it’ll be easier if he doesn’t have time to stress himself out about it before it happens. Okay. So I don’t tell J.

Somehow, he finds out anyway, and also finds out that I knew and had chosen not to tell him, but doesn’t tell me that he knows. (Convoluted, I know, sorry.)

I pick J up from an after school thing one night, we end up talking about pretty heavy shit in the car for a /long/ time, and after the conversation died, he put a hand on my shoulder, leaned over, and kissed me. And like not a short kiss either. It was like a 3 to 4 second kiss.

Context again, I realized I was gay and that I liked J in a not particularly friend-like way when I was 13. I never told him and never planned on telling him. I told him a lot of things but I intended on growing old and dying with that one kept nice and secret. Even if he was some form of not-straight, which I was 99.99% sure he wasn’t, I didn’t think it was worth jeopardizing my closest friendship with romantic and/or sexual feelings that could at best confuse him or make him uncomfortable or at worst outright disgust him.

Anyway. We don’t talk about it, I end up going to stay for a few days with a guy (20m but not really relevant) I’d been sort of seeing/sleeping with for a couple months because I literally couldn’t be in the same house as J or I would probably implode.

Fast forward a week, I’m picking J up from a hospital 2 towns over because he ran away (? unclear really, haven’t discussed the particulars w him and I wasn’t staying at home at the time) and ended up having to go to the ER.

In the car (best time to talk to someone because they can’t run away), he apologizes for kissing me. I’m thrown off by that, because he hadn’t said anything up to this point and it honestly wasn’t even in the top 5 things I was thinking about.

I asked him why he did it and he just sighed and explained in this tone of voice that, I don’t know how to explain it, but had just the right lack of empathy or affect that I knew he was being 110% honest.

Condensed version: he found out I was reporting everything he told me to my mom (still don’t know how). He was pissed. He was aware he needed more intensive treatment, and he knew my mom was aware. He did not want treatment. He knew I had liked him for years. He knew that I was relatively fragile about it. He knew that if he did something (like kiss me for example) there was a good chance it would break my brain and I would freak out.

He essentially kissed me to decommission me for a few days so he could formulate a plan to run away.

FINALLY we have arrived at the AITA part.

After hearing all this, I tried very hard to come up with something rational to say, but ended up saying (essentially), “You’re fucking insane, and I’m telling my mother you need to be committed.”

I know I wasn’t wrong to be angry. But I also know from past knowledge and experiences that he had a deep fear of being deemed “insane” or unfixable or whatever, and also that he was really afraid of treatment in general.

Idk. I go back and forth on whether or not I was out of line, or needlessly escalating the situation, by threatening him. It was a much bigger threat in his mind than it was in mine, and so even though I know I said it as a reaction to a fucked up situation, there’s still the idea that I blew it completely out of proportion and weaponized his own mental issues against him.

So AITA for threatening my best friend by telling him I was going to get him committed to a long term psychiatric hospital?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[starfxkr]

Okay how would the boys react to an OCD girl seeing them do some random ass shit like lay on the grass and says some shit like 'don't do that, you'll get ear bugs' and just walking away and going about her day. -🍓

please do notttt say to rafe "undiagnosed autism & paranoid schizophrenic" cameron he gonna start tweakin real bad I fear. he start twitching and shit like "the fuck why would you say that now I feel like somethings crawlin all over me." he keeps tugging at his ears and scratching n shit he's gonna be pissed off but won't admit hes freakin out.

pope quickly diverts the topic and his nerdy ass is hitting you with "well AKSUALLY" and start talking about why ear bugs are impossible to get and you should be more concerned with mites and shit when that fuckin makes the situation WORSE now you're more geeked than ever

jj gonna start tweakin too actually LOL he gets up fast as hell and starts shaking his whole body like a dog to get rid of the "bugs" and starts complaining about how he can never have fun because you always got some weird shit to say.

john b just says "ill take my chances" because he's stubborn as hell and telling him he can't/shouldnt do something is gonna make him do it even more! and he's not worried about 'ear bugs' or anything because he thinks if its his time to go well so be it its in the lords hands

#✨.txt #jj maybank prompt #rafe cameron prompt #john b prompt #pope heyward prompt #🍓 anon

[neuroticboyfriend]

tiktok is so awful to use when you have morality ocd, or something similar. "hey stop, dont scroll" "please dont scroll!" "you MUST like/share/comment/duet this video" "[insert guilt trip here]" etc etc... like. let's just say my feed very quickly goes from content that relaxes me, with some more serious content throughout... to a nonstop stream of all the fundraisers, bad news, and serious topics in the world.

and yes. it is good to be aware of these things and do what you can. everyone should do that to the best of their ability... but your best doesn't mean compulsively engaging with something. there is a difference between thoughtfully engaging, and doing something while driven by the gnawing fear of being a terrible person... which isnt only exhausting but, only going to make the obsession and compulsions worse.

the tiktok algorithm honestly makes this 100x worse too. you might see the stray post on tumblr with these attention grabs, but tumblr isnt gonna keep putting more of them in your feed if you read the post. tiktok does. so, with tiktok, if you have moral ocd you quite literally need to start scrolling past things for any of it to get better.

so. if you do use tiktok. here is your sign to go make your feed something you can enjoy (clear the cache in your settings so you dont have to scroll to change the feed!) it is okay if you need a space to just, watch something short that relaxes or interests you. you can still keep up with important things in other ways, on platforms that aren't going to throw you into a total spiral through a creepy algorithm... especially given all the misinformation on tiktok.

#softspoonie #tiktok #morality #morality ocd #ocd #obsessive compulsive #obsessive compulsive disorder #moral ocd #social media #mental health #mentally ill #mental illness