#make sure i ate better

[spocksmalewife]

Nothing 2 c here folks keep scrolling

#been really wondering if ADHD has been my problem all my life #like i was a very inattentive kid and would act out #then went through about a 10-year period after my dad left where i 'smartened up' #but really i was just tamping down the symptoms by relying on an OCD crutch of having to hyper control everything #and then burnt out around the late 10s #and since the pandy started it's been a fucking free-for-all like i feel my brain deteriorating #but i think it's been me finally being able to relax #and now even the thought of having to get myself organized sends me into a spiral because i know i'll have to end up relying on the same #crutches again #it's either just balls to the wall free for all winging session or get my ass in gear stressed 24/7 about missing deadlines nightmare #either way i can't win #doesn't help that the crutches are ARFID and it's been getting worse and worse #and doesn't help that after going vegetarian for a decade i keep getting these terrible intrusive thoughts that my mental decay is due to #me not getting proper nutrition and that my heart is gonna up and fail #but tbh i've always been that way sigh #AND IT DOESN'T HELP THAT MY SO-CALLED 'DOCTOR' FATHER keeps feeding these fears by saying how he failed me and should have been around to #make sure i ate better #and that i only have until the age of 25 to fix things before there's IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE #wow it's almost like mental illness is hereditary 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 #vent

[justafriendofxanders]

it is a little bit wild that by virtue of ats s5 being the last canon tv installment of the buffyverse, spike and angel's arcs culminate in... each other. like spike isn't allowed to rest after his sacrifice because the network needs to pull more viewers his new hero status has to be put to the test against angel. angel can't comfortably rest on his laurels as the vampire with the soul because spike is there. their arcs with buffy shape them into the people they eventually become, but canon deliberately leaves the future of those relationships ambiguous! ats is where they go to figure out how to lead lives without buffy but with the other vampire-with-a-soul in them. and i don't even mean this in the way where spike/angel is somehow more meaningful or romantically endgame than their other relationships, i just mean like... those two old dudes are never gonna escape each other, for better or for worse. like there's literally a whole prophecy to that effect. wild stuff.

#funny how media gets more complex and richer when you give the main character's love interests a life of their own. :I #anyways thinking about this because any hypothetical video(s) focused on their individual characters that takes ats s5 as an endpoint #means contending with how a big part of their growth involves getting over their neuroses about the other #and coming together for a common cause/to do the right thing #also i think i REALLY like that buffyverse rejects stable romantic coupling as a satisfying ending #and that such relationships only exist when they're a narratively relevant contrast to the INstability of someone's (usually buffy's) life #ats #buffyposting #spangel #sure why not #actually speaking of which i support stable and happy spike/angel specifically in the context when buffy is having a very bad day #i think that finding out about spangel should make her day much worse before making it much better

[songsintheattic]

is 9:30 too early to go to bed?

#not that it matters because im doing it anyway #i do feel much better than yesterday #double dosing on the valerian was definitely the right move #though I'm not entirely sure why i needed to #definitely less dehydrated today and ate more normally #and got decent sleep last night too #so that seemed to be the missing piece of why everything else was imploding #but it's not like i missed a dose or anything #my best guess is it was just the fact that I'm making some big moves? but that seems stupid to somehow explode my entire brain from that #but i guess that kinda is how it works #but whatever the moral of the story is that when in doubt it's pretty low risk and potentially high reward to just double the valerian #m

[ark1os]

.

I didnt know the tags woulr be so much i shouldve just wrote a long vent 😭😭😭 rip

#lol. there are still times where my brain goes omg what if you’re really a narc #and then i go out of my way to make sure my friends are as comfortable as possible and thati meet all their needs and i apologize every few #minutes for something silly or for maybe hurting them unintentionally and then i remember of #every fallout w people in my life where i was always taking responsibility for my actions n for my role to what led to the fallouts no #matter how toxic the person was and i remember all the times i geniunely apologized to my siblings for my mistakes (without them pointing #out i did smth wrong) and i remember all the tomes someone told me i hurt them and i owned up to it and apologized and then i go #oh ywa. maybe not ? #bonus: all the times i helped someone out in secret to bring some ease in their life without ever telling them or bragging eith it or #using it against them or reminding them that i did x y z for them #and then all the times where my guilt ate me up at nights and i cried and the times where i brought out the best of people because my love #is Nuturing. yea #AND I GUESS THE FACT THAT MY EX BEST FRIEND TOLD ME IM A NARC AND I STRAIGHT UP WENT OMG YEA! PROBABLY! BECAUSE I WOULDVE BELIEVED HER #ANYTHING 😭😭😭😭 BECAUSE INWAS SO SURE SHE KNEW ME BETTER THAN I KNEW MYSELF! 😭😭😭 #BECAUSE I HAD LOST MYSELF COMPLETELY IN THE FRIENDSHIP 😭😭😭😭 NOT VERY NARC OF ME 😭😭😭😭😭😭 #but yea. i guess abandonment issues apathy and lack of communication skills (which leads to passive aggressivness) will make you look like a #narc i get where she came from! but still. if i ever see someone diagnose other people i will simply tell them to shut up #especially based on sentences taken out of context. not very sexy #and also very stupid. #rationally seen i shouldve kicked out the thought that im probably not one when my therapist told me theres no chance i am but. when you get #treated like a freaking mondter from the people you’ve trusted deeply. it does something to you >.> #also when my therapist said that she has No rights to make Any diagnosis or statements about other people because whatever i tell her its #going to tell her more about me than them. i shouldve just dtopped believing it honestly. like freaking sideeye to those therapists thst #told my ex friends im a narc. and a big fat kiss to my therapist for being such a beautiful empathstic underztanding patient beautiful and #kind person #alhamdulillah ^-^ #kicked out the thought thst i am one * #and also a big fat sorry for being hsving no empathy. my communication skills are getting brtter and im working on my abandonment issues #(sfter being abandoned by my closest friends and family hello this is so sexy of me) and im soooo much more st peace w myself n i like and #care aboyt myself ^-^ even just writing a list of positive things ahout me is smth i wouldve never done two years ago #(also my family took me back alhamdulillah eheh)

[biteapple]

? Olive has the same meow for "please come pet me while i eat" and "please come here and play with me" now, which only developed after i bought her a new toy (quickly became her new favorite) which is interesting. maybe this is a general meow for "pay attention to me" now .. she no longer really meows for being pet while she eats anymore after buying this toy for them both, for some reason, which is good (that was a REALLY bad habit of hers ive been trying to wean her off of)

#her meow for ''please play with me'' USED to be a very high pitched cry which changed #i feel like ive been playing with her in the same amount as i used to though so i dont think its that #she has the ''pet me while i eat'' habit because as a kitten my family had many adult cats that used to bully her #so i would make sure they didnt push her away from the food dish by staying near her when she ate. which she then wanted into adulthood #i then specifically would feed my cats upstairs in my room after that went on too long #that was a combination of a lot of bad things all at once that she grew up in (family only giving cats one food dish & free feeding them) #i would later atleast convince them to add a second and third dish to different areas that i'd maintain #while having my own food and water up in my room for my cats #.. still .. there were 7 cats. #its a lot better now though. there's only 3 cats that live in that house now. and i took my two girls with me here #i get to care for them how i'd like now .. its better that way #she developed the very high pitched cry when i left for a year while i was trying to sort out my living situation. #apparently she used to meander the house carrying a toy around and looking for me the year i was away #i know thats a separation anxiety thing (she also does this when i go to work and go to sleep) but she'll do it for play as well #they both have different toy collections and styles of play they prefer that im trying to add to and expand #i wanna get one of those kick-y toys next. those fish that wiggle. i think Olive specifically will LOVE that #Hope is more of a ribbon-toy and laser light girl. Olive likes to kick and kill her toys but has overlap with toys Hope likes too

[horny-ex-catholic]

Heyyy Strega, how are you doing? Have you been getting food the last few days?

I'm doing okay actually. It turns out the dining hall didn't shut down, and when they said "all food services will be unavailable until further notice" they were referring to the catering they provide for on campus events and clubs. It's a relief of course but fuckin hell they could not have worded it any worse.

#i shouldve known better #but also i was in the throes of an absolute melt down and could not have processed new information well anyways #ive not been eating as regularly as i should admittedly #but that has more to do with the dining hall being inconvenient to get to #at my old doem i had to walk by it to get to all my classes #so it was easy to grab lunch/dinner on my way to and from classes #but im making sure i eat at least one real meal a day #and one of my friends is now making a habit of texting me in the evenings to make sure i ate #my answer

[theradicalace]

it is my god given right to eat a meal with a ferocity that leaves me wonder if it was me consuming the food or if the food was consuming me

#ace rambles #had a really good plate of spaghetti #ate that mf hunched over the table in my boxers and a tshirt at *checks watch* 2 am #think i was making feral noises but i'm not sure #also the steam from that plate went straight up my nose #and my god #i did not have a stuffy nose before but i DEFINITELY don't have a stuffy nose now #i don't think i've ever breathed better #gonna keep that in the back of my head for the next time i have a cold #i'm losing the thread a bit #good meal

[vera-dauriac]

Absolutely miserable day, but Eugene Onegin will fix everything, right?

#personal #mariusz will make it better #right? #i've got a lot going on #super personal #and sad #feel free to skip #my FIL died yesterday #it was very expected #but still sad #and my MIL has covid #and my covid test this morning was negative #but i'm miserably sick #but i finally ate a little something #and sitting sort of upright #so i put on EO #surely it will help #thanks for letting me whine if you made it this far

[rosicheeks]

💖

#I appreciate you guys for checking in and making sure that I ate something #also the two people who sent a little tip #thank you thank you thank you #I love you both so so SO MUCH #just the sweet words and actions means the world to me #I did eat a little something #some leftovers #now I’m going to go outside and smoke #cause that always makes me feel a little better #but just wanted to say thank you to everyone who checked in on me #you all are so so amazing #and I wish I could give you a little kiss on the forehead 🥺😘 #shut up rosie

[kermitheefrog]

the supermacs in heuston station even has the same gaa sports crowd mural we have in ours??? like what does it have to do with tasty and tempting food at.superMACS

#ive never been in here its surprisingly big. now time to sit here for 3 1/2 hours for herto be done work so we can catch a bus to get pints #I already feel sick probs bc i ate no real food today just a latte n pastry n now a big dirty pizza slice #<< is lack toes and taller ants. idk why i do this to myself couldve easily got something but i made eye contact with the pizza man so. #felt bad walking away so had to buy summit but fucking hell 4.50 for a big slice of cheese n crust likeeeeeee #the other pizzas all had some kind of pork on them as well so had to get margarita :-( literally feel so sick fml #hopefully I'll feel better in 3 to 4 hrs when I have to get my bus 😭 #kind of wanted her to cancel on me judt so I could go home 😭 but no for once she's actually keeping her word fml #ugh her not bf is so annoying like hes cishet and had his middle finger up in a group pic with all her friends are you twelve. #at least he's cute. he seems like he has the worst personality tho. anyonr who makes those cringe mommy jokes should be locked up. #whatever. can't wait to be drunk. can't wait to see her either :-))))) it's been like three weeks #wow that sure was a lot of nothing. if u read this far make sure to like n subscribe.

[adore-gregor]

rant

#being sick sucks #just like why?? did this need to happen?? #😑 #it's not even so much being sick itself which sucks but all the things it ruins for you 😭😭 #altough yesterday i felt quite rough really bad headache which makes you feel like run over and bad sore throat #but i can ignore these things quite well if i distract myself yeah so it's alright #i do feel a lot better today after i ate a whole lot because yesterday i didn't eat anything besides lunch bc my sore throat hurt sm #it still hurts but the headache is gone and the groggy feeling mostly #but i had a date today with this guy from uni or i'm fairly sure it would have been one bc i do think he likes me like he texts me everyday #well i couldn't go 😭😭 i had to reject him we would have gone to the gym and then to watch a tv series he would have cooked for me... #gym even if i'm better now is not a good idea with a bad cold and i wouldn't like to pass it on to him whatever i have #but i feel so bad now 😭🥺 and he saw my message but hasn't responded yet :( i'm so afraid he now thinks i'm not interested 😓 #because we tried so long to meet again by now but i had exams and had to study #i told him in two weeks if we can reaarrange but maybe that was not well worded because it's so long but my uni scedule 🥲 #and i was really looking forward to it #anyways i also had to skip a class yesterday with attendance and now i can only miss it one more time 🥲 #what if i get covid again and would be positive so long that i miss two classes should i just go to class with covid wtf #otherwise failing this class #i so hope nothing will happen again and i just went to class today and tomorrow i will too because i can't risk missing more classes #and i do feel better so it's alright i think it's hardly covid more like a bad cold #and everyone in my classes was sick my friend who sits next to me maybe i got it from her 😅 #also i was so motivated for studying this week now all my plans fell apart 😪 #and i still can't do sports hopefully tomorrow or friday at the very least hopefully on the weekend because i have tennis practice then #i wanted to play tennis with a guy this week even twice but no #today would have been my workout day but ig if i do it by friday i can still finish the schedule until sunday #basically all my plans for this week were useless i feel so behind on so many things how am i ever gonna catch up again #i wanted to do 3-4.5 hours of studying every day but all i did is my homework :(( #i might study a bit for the medicine entrance exam now i guess it's better than nothing #how being sick can mess up your whole schedule and progress it sucks sm :(( #you see i'm feeling very sorry for myself 😅 ignore

[this-doesnt-endd]

Not passing the vibe check at the moment

#i cant fall asleep even tho im tired and got sad like outta nowhere #i was just vibing chilling and then i was like #i will never recover from being like a teenage girl and my brain was like so fucking true bestie #lets get horrifically sad and start over analyzing everything about urself from birth to now #so im just having a time #also like this is a completly unrelated topic #but i got coffee 2day and they used oatmilk and i didnt know cause like i didnt ask for it but it had like a weird cinnamon taste #and i had my friend taste it who figured it out and it was whatever cause like i was trying figure out why it had a cereal oatmeal quality #before i figured it out #and like it was fine i drank it had my coffee but it worried me for just a second later cause like it was prolly an accident #but like i have food allergies and it was like damn what would have happened if like hazelnut syrup accidentally got used #and this is a flaw of mine but i go out virtually unprepared if i was to accidentally get something im allergic to #cause theyre easy things for me to avoid and im good abt being like nah if im not sure abt something or like asking #but i realized out of most places coffee is prolly an easier one for that to happen at and it was like oh damn #anyways sorry 2 be dramatic but i am #i just want like 2-3 days rot alone in bed but its summer break which means my mom is home and thats not happening #i also have a few new sudden bruises one that is very dark and like im a simple man somwthing happens and i google why #and fucking google is like lukemia and i know its not but like dont make me anxious but then its like vitamin defeciences #and i have like a few other lik things that ate annoying me that could also be from vitamin defiences and if they are like???? #i just got a b12 shot not long ago and they usually make me feel pretty better for a few weeks and this one felt like it did nothing #am i that defiecent? how do i get to not be like is this a problem? can it become one? #and ive been waking up feeling overheated 2 a bloody nose which is odd cause the temp never changes im usually always a lil cold #and the blanket i use is super thin and its only been recently despite me changing nothing #my feet also hurt bad and i still havrnt gotten that referal for a physical therapist which like im not excited to go to at all but also #like damn my feet hurt and my ankle hurts and i swear im on the verge of rolling my ankle at an given moment like almost all the time #and ive broken both of them can they get some slack #and ive ruined my sleep schedual #and i want to scream cause im feeling all mixed up

[murobrown]

.

#new ability unlocked....✨health anxiety✨ #I'm tired man I'm so fucking tired of panicking all the time because I feel like I'm going to pass out ot throw up #or constantly googling health symptoms what makes me feel thousands times worse and definitely doesn't calm me down #one day I'm sure I'm getting a heart attack on next day I have a brain tumor then epilepsy then I go for aneurysm... #fucking funniest thing is that it's been going on for two months and absolutely nothing happened to me #i just have constant headache nausea and pain in my stomach but I haven't passed out or threw up or anything #fuck I just want back my normal life when I'm not in constant worry #i feel like im 24/7 in a high alert panic mode so I can't comprehend anything calmly... #i feel like an animal that's constantly just running away from something #I'm scared too see a doctor because I don't even know how to explain my problems...they will think I'm completely insane... #I can't remember last time I ate something without feeling anxious and being in pain afterwards #and the worst thing is that I developed even ubhealier relationship with food by counting calories :)))) #so even though I eat nothing I need to push myself into an intense workout because my brain tells me I need to burn everything #i didn't know ai could be even more messed up than I was before #but hey I lost a ton of weight and I am in the best shape I've ever been... it's all I ever wanted and it cost me only my sanity :))))) #i don't even have clothes to fit in anymore because everything literally falls down from me... #currently I'm convinced I'm going to pass out and die any second but I know I'll be alright I can't just die out of nowhere... #I'm healthy and everything will be okay...I survived so much and it will get only better #if you read this rant I typed out while hyperventilating congratulations you get a free cookie and a warm tea I'll be making #guys but seriously...do you know how to tackle this? or the only logical way is to see a doctor? #because I don't know how long can I go on like this considering from September my job should get even more stressful... #now my stress level is high like never before... just thinking about September is giving me a panic attack #aaaaand those are the things I shouldn't think about because the only thing stressing me out the most is my fucking self :) #that's the damn problem like the thing that's making me most stressed is the stress 🙃 #I feel nauseous because I'm stressed and I'm stressed because I'm nauseous...makes sense #i think I'm loosing my mind...and it fucking sucks that I do this to myself for no reason at all #i have a nice relaxing day and then in the evening I decide to think about all the bad stuff and kill it all #another scary thing is living on your own without any close friends in your life and with your family hours away...it won't let me sleep #if anything happens I'm alone...if I pass out right now I need to take care about myself #i often think how long would it take to find my dead body here...and then I shake and cry because I don't want to die

[ambrosiagourmet]

Every time I revisit chapter 86 and the events right after the group talks Marcille down, I'm always struck by this bit here:

In particular, how similar it is to this:

The Winged Lion ate the same desire in both of them, more or less (I'm sure there are some nuances in both flavor and intent, but they are clearly similar things here). The Lion basically used this technique to kill Thistle, and for Marcille it was... not insignificant, but something she and her friends overcame without even fully realizing it was an obstacle.

I feel like this is another small piece of the story that shows how important support and love are - in navigating mental illness, in dealing with abuse or addiction, or in working through any other similar struggle that can be read into the Lion and his eating of desires.

It almost feels like Marcille was able to borrow the desires of her friends. She loves them and she trusts them, so even when she didn't have a desire to free herself from the Lion, the care they had for her well being still mattered to her.

It's the same thing later, with her hair.

She isn't able to notice the way her messy hair is making things harder, let alone do anything about it. But when Chilchuck points it out and then braids it back for her...

It's better. She likes it, things are easier now. Even though it isn't a desire she can feel for herself, it's not something that doesn't effect her. And because her friends care - because they know her well enough to notice the difference - she is given the chance to have a preference and to ask for their help.

We can obviously see some parallel ideas here with Mithrun and Kabru as well, but I'd also like to point out that Thistle gets this grace, too. Thistle, who had no one to help him up once he lost his will to resist, or to encourage him to find new desires once the Lion ate them all.

Thistle says he doesn't need anything, anymore...

But he is given an apology anyways.

It is not a kindness he desires. It is not a kindness he is able to ask for.

But it is a kindness that helps. It is a kindness that matters.

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #marcille donato #thistle dungeon meshi #dunmeshi analysis #mfw the foils are foiling.......... #people have been killing it w the thistle analysis I am rotating this jester in my head now. thanks. I need to lie down #dungeon meshi spoilers

[the-cooler-king]

oh, don't you just feel stupid the more you describe it?

The more you think about it and the more you give it weight, the more it makes you sink. Are these the chains I struggle against, tight against the flesh (I don't care about the flesh - it'll tear - it isn't flesh that I'm worried about) and they're the same ones I put there myself. I'm sick and I'm angry and I wonder when it'll be different, and it feels so stupid to try to explain that to someone else. I can't give you an answer. I'm talking in riddles because that's how it feels - like a maze that goes on and on. Like being stuck in that stairway and hearing zettai unmei mokushiroku. And I wonder how hard I'm trying to be better - actually trying, and actually being better. What can I do to be different- change my setting, and will I still freeze? Will I be overwhelmed - will I like it this time? I'm not afraid, not for a second. I'm more confident now that my issue really is the setting than anything. I'm not as concerned about how I look, I'm only concerned with how good he feels. Not in a "make him happy" kind of way, but in the "I want him to want it so bad" kind of way. I don't want him to feel rejected by this, but I feel so bad that I'm still not making more progress on this for myself. I'm struggling with justifying a lot of things to myself. I know he would say it doesn't matter, that it's fine and we can deal with it together. I know. But I want to understand it and I want to be able to *be normal* about it. I couldn't even get the words out, I had to go through the story. It's hard to describe it as such when *you made that choice* even though you knew what would happen. I still haven't figured out who I'm angry with.

#Personal #It went OK. It could've gone better #But it didn't go poorly either. #I got to kiss him as much as I wanted to 😌 #And he even let me hold his hand. It was not a fun story time. I dont think he knew how nervous I was #I like to think I hide it really well. I usually do #Ugh. I feel like I ate a pound of cardboard again #Time to curl up. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself I think. I'm not sad I'm just annoyed @ me #I wish it was easier to convey how I feel to him. It's very hard for me to understand it myself but #It wasn't an issue I thought I'd need to deal with (thought it was dealt with already) #Guess what it's not!!! I think I got my most important points across though #Which made it easier. He makes me want to be better for both of us #How he deals with this over the next few weeks will be interesting. I sure hope he still talks to me lmao

[suguae]

Haunted

Toji cannot move on, until he realized too late.

Warnings: Angst, slightest fluff (reader and baby 'gumi moment)

You were just a girl, standing in front of a man, asking him to love you.

How hard was that for him? Yes, he wasn’t good with his words but he wasn’t good at anything else either. He was just there.

Maybe because the woman he truly loved—he was still mourning over her. His sad eyes every time he watched an old couple dance together, wishing he had been doing that but with her. The cute babies babble with their mothers as Megumi babbles with his father, how he wished his wife was still here instead of you. He never said it, but that’s what it felt like. 

And perhaps that's what it was. 

Sometimes he curses himself out when he accidentally calls you his wife's name. During intimate times only. You tried—trying to keep the emotions in as if it wasn’t breaking every part of you, was the hardest part. “Look he’s walking...” You smiled at the dark haired baby who was walking towards you. Toji smiled, making sure he’d record every second of it; deep down he wished his wife was the one the baby was walking towards instead of you.

And it was wrong—so wrong. 

“This relationship, I’m with you but Toji—Toji this is the loneliest I’ve ever felt.” You whispered while he ate his leftovers, his brows still furrowed from the argument occurring earlier. Having Toji work from 9–5 wasn’t the best but good thing he had you, helping him out with so much. Picking up groceries, picking up his lovely son—until you mentioned that one of his teachers mistaken you as his biological mother. That right there was enough to make Toji angry for weeks at least.

But not this time.

He stopped chewing on his food after you spoke, waiting for more of an explanation. Which you figured he needed, “I don’t think you’re in love with me–” 

“I like you [name], a lot.” He cleared his throat. He leaned back on his chair as his arms crossed waiting for you to continue the sentence he interrupted. 

Right, he liked you a lot. These three rough years you’ve been dating Toji—that particular l word was never uttered once, not even if he was drunk, or having a special moment with you. You huffed trying to find the right words for Toji to understand. That was until little Megumi started crying from his room. “I’ll try to put him back to sleep, finish eating.” He watched as your fragile little body sulked its way to Megumi’s room.

He knew this was gonna happen, he knew you were bound to leave him sooner or later. 

You smiled as you opened the door to see the little Megumi standing on top of his little bed. His hands wiping his tears as he ran towards you, his arms now wrapping around your legs. “Sleep with mama and papa.” He cried out as you leaned down to pick up the little boy. “[name] and papa, not mama okay?” You corrected him, if Toji were to find out that he had been calling you that, then that argument would’ve climaxed.

The little boy nodded, his tears now gone as you swayed him around. “Sleep with you.” He mumbled, leaning his head on your shoulder as he played with a strand of your hair. “Just for tonight.” You whispered, watching Megumi pick up his head and smile. Content with your answer. 

Toji’s heart could just swell at the sight. You treated his son as if he was your own and nothing looked so much better right now, except for the fact that he wished it was his wife.

Megumi was now soundly sleeping between you and Toji, “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” His eyes shut tightly hearing those piercing words leave your mouth. It hurt when his wife left him, but this hurt was different—different because he knew it was coming yet he didn’t want to do anything about it. 

“I’m sorry—”

“You don’t need to be the one apologizing.” He watched your soft gaze stare at completely nothing. He was confused, this was his fault. He never treated you how you needed deserved to be treated. “It was my fault for throwing myself at a man who simply was not ready.”

The next morning was silent—baby ‘gumi was confused at the saddened look on your face. Constantly walking up to you asking if you were okay. He was still just a baby, yet he read the room so well. “I’m sure we can work this out—” Toji now sitting next to you on the couch, some cartoon playing in the back as Megumi’s little head sat on your lap. “You’re not ready, Toji.” You nodded, eyes still glued on the tv as if it was meant for you and not the little Megumi. 

“And how are you so sure—”

“Tell me you love me then.” Your eyes are now fixed on Toji’s. It was hard, he felt as if his mouth had been glued shut. You sigh, bringing your gaze back to the tv, “I love you—but it’s hard when it’s one sided Toji.” 

It hurt much more, seeing you drive away as the clueless Megumi waved you out. Poor thing thinks you’re simply going to the store. The house that once felt like home was so dull now. Toji sat little ‘gumi down on the couch. 

His constant, “mama?” or “[name]?” while he kept his gaze on the door every so often. Nothing prepared Toji for this. Megumi cried that he wanted to sleep with his mama and papa, his heart swelled knowing that he had been talking about you.

You were gone, just like his wife. But it hurt—it hurt so much more knowing that you’re alive trying your best to…move on. He stayed up late that same night, stumbling upon a video from two years ago. When Megumi first learned how to walk. You and Toji had just started dating but the look of happiness plastered your face as you watched the little baby walking. 

That was one thing Toji never forgot about, how much you loved kids. Telling him how once you had kids of your own you would finally be able to live in peace. How he heard of it less and less as the years went on, he wonders if you still think that.

next part ->

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