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lillian-nator · 3 years

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Wallflower AU (aka highschool au made w/ @bellfort3)

V i b e s - hanging on the roof; walking across train tracks; skipping school; Lakes, yes, something with lakes; something with different types of sodas. - My angsty teens are gonna have painted nails - Tommy bleaches his hair; Wilbur dyes his hair black - dramatic fuck. - Wilbur in eyeliner plz - Wilbur wears doc martens; black, yellow, maroon, silver shiny - Tommy's worn the same exact jean jacket for the past 5 years; it's 2 sizes bigger than he is; but he wears it every single day; it has fur on the inside; and its light washed with tears; the tears didn’t come like it; he's just ripped it over the years - He doesn't wash it very often, but he's glued patches on it, and Wilbur's drawn on it in sharpie. He just layers hoodies or flannels under it when it’s cold, but still wears it when it's hot - Tommy's also worn the same shoes for YEARS, they’re duct taped together at this point, they're white converse, they're not white anymore, and he's bleach-washed them SO many times that they permanently smell like chemicals. - The laces are frayed, so bad that he doesn’t even wear the laces most days. - Tommy doesn't shy from going in mud or water though, he'll wear the shoes to their fullest and then some. - I think you can tell by now, that Tommy just doesn’t come from a lot of money. - They live in a kind of run down town, very poor, old, smallish. - Wilbur is middle class, which is very well off in the area he lives in. - Wilbur gives off family disappointment vibes. Where he has to sneak out at night, Tommy can leave through his front door. - Wilbur calls Tommy “sunshine”, but very sarcastically since Tommy is a dick :) - Tommy has one of Wilbur's old beanies; it's black and monster branded, the monster logo is green - Wilbur gave it to Tommy 3 years ago, and Tommy never gave it back - btw Tommy's 17 and Wilbur's 19: Tommy's a junior and Wilbur's a senior - Wilbur only drinks Green Apple Monster - Tommy drinks sugar free redbull, but mostly only when Wilbur buys it for him, because Tommy usually doesn't have pocket change - Wilbur and Tommy bring speakers to the train tracks and dance and by that, its them jumping around and occasionally pushing someone over - Tommy uses his allowance to buy cigarettes; Wilbur vapes - both mentally ill - Wilbur is essentially the modern emo. He has this one yellow and black flannel that's oversized, and he wears it multiple times a week - it’s a problem.

- Dream, Wilbur, Karl, Tommy, Big Q, SapNap, Punz, and Tubbo - That’s the group. - I have just been talking about Tommy and Wilbur but they are the main characters so you can suck it. - A scene with Dream, Wilbur, Karl, Tommy, Big Q, SapNap, Punz, and Tubbo, at a lake, throwing each other in, and Tommy gets his shoes soaked, but he saves his jacket from the fall. Water gun fights, and they drink energy drinks and eat chips. they lay in the grass and contemplate life, Talk abt life yes. Abt existence. Abt how shit it is. Half of them have to wake up early and sneak home, the other half get to stay as long as they like. - Tommy tucks his t-shirts into his pants, which are always very baggy black jeans with just gigantic holes. - Tommy and Dream both have ADHD, however, Tommy's meds are purely from welfare, he cannot afford to give any out. Dream however? From an upper-middleclass family. Basically millionaires in this town. He can afford to lose some of his meds. - He yells in the clearing "COME GET YOUR DRUGS CHILDREN" - Besides, I've learned that there are like so many different ADHD meds, and maybe Tommy is just on something a lot stronger than adderall. He can't partake in the pill popping, but he doesn't mind. He does it every morning. - They don't do it often, maybe once a month, depends on how big Dream's prescription is - not that he regularly takes them like a good boy should - And I won't ever write this, but Gogy hangs out with them every so often, in which Gogy and Wilbur have an on and off again hooking up type relationship - whenever they hang out, Gogy like sits and Wilbur's lap and shit - Tommy and Punz GAG - "EW the fuck - get your hands off eachother. ITS GROSS - NO PDA IN MY BACKYARD"

- They hang out in an abandoned Building. But they don't try to fix it up. They're not fucking VSCO girls. They just want somewhere to hang out - If anything they make it worse - they fucking trash the place - It’s not intentional though - It’s like they can have fun without worrying abt the mess - just, sometimes they spill hawiian punch mixed with vodka everywhere - THEY GHOST HUNT AND OUIJA BOARD AND SHIT - They hang out in cemeteries too. they play manhunt in a cemetery, but like the regular version- like just hide and go seek in the dark. - they've done seances even though almost all of them are atheists - anyways the point of the fact is, is that half of them (excluding the minors you know) I'm looking at you Karl and Q - somethings going on between you two have made out with guys, and I'm not gonna sugar coat it, most modern like takes on religion do not take kindly to that

- they go to prom - and Dream somehow ends up with a ton of weed, because he had just turned old enough, and had the money - and they get fucking high OUT of their minds, like they're never doing it again - like, George and Wilbur definitely hooked up at Wilbur's house, which they aren't supposed to do - because Wilbur's parents will fucking flip that Wilbur is sleeping with a random person. No one is quite sure where SapNap ended up, and Tommy lost one of his shoes. In a panic, they spent the next 3 hours looking for it to find it at the lake by the school - Tommy fucking cradles it to his chest. - (are wilburs parents homophobic?) (yes maybe a little side of homophobia) (Is wilbur bisexual or gay?) (he is ‘whoever the fuck looks bangable’) (fair enough) (he is ‘gogy my king’) (TRUUUE) - the bleachers - they hang out under the bleachers

- Gogy = Stylish stoner - very popular, but never not high - Karl is like the goody two-shoes of the group, doesn't skip class, and is on the principals list, however, he will NEVER back down from space brownies - its his weakness - Tubbo has a subway pass, and they do that thing where Tubbo swipes it and everyone fucking bolts into the subway, and they take all the trains at like 4am and just hang from the bars and shit - Wilbur still dresses relatively like, nicely and scholarly, which puts everyone off. He wears very loose sweaters with button-ups underneath. with khakis or black jeans and his docs - where his best friend, our Tommy, wears borderline yellow converse, and one bleached two-sizes-too-large jean jacket, and some second-hand-store hoodies, that are always a bit too worn in, but so, incredibly Tommy - Tommy who legit hasn't brushed his hair in years, not with a brush anyways - too frantic to brush his teeth most mornings. but always chewing gum; Tommy's always everywhere at once - ADHD meds only half-working on him, they couldn't afford the good shit - He'll never quite understand Dream handing out his adderall for free, Tommy would kill for the hard shit, but hey, he's never gonna stop his friends from having a good time

- Let's talk about Karl Jacobs - good ole' goody two shoes Jacobs - all of his teachers are constantly trying to get him to stop hanging out with Tommy and gang - every parent teacher conference is "we love your boy, but we are concerned about his friends" - Teachers have meetings with him, about how the people you surround yourself with can change your future - Karl's like, from the good side of town, plays first in the drumline, plays violin on the side, straight a's, clean-white-air-force-ones type of guy. Name brand clothes. Combed hair - Packed lunch every day from his mom; gets dropped off by his mom, kisses her goodbye; Mom is like very involved in school too - PTA parent - it's fucking good kid Jacobs - and he's sneaking off with fucking potheads to go to college parties and abandoned buildings - Does he do drugs? Well, he’s a big fan of treats if you know what I mean :wink wink: - ….you ever see Ted's video about a 500mg edible …. yeah. - big fan of gummy bears and brownies - Karl shows up to Parties and there are shouts of "Fuckin' goody-two-shoes Jacobs is HERE" - a lot of people make fun of him and think they can push him around - He seems like a softie; welcome mat type beat - but fucking watch this man chug 5 cups of whatever you give him, and then still win beer pong - Like his best friend is fucking quackity, he can do the hard shit - its very much a his parents have no clue who he actually is type beat - Look, his parents have no clue where he is ever - And if they even know he’s out, they don’t know where or with who - If his mom is at all involved in the school, she'll hear about Quackity, basically a drug dealer with how much hash weed he hands out on a daily basis. - Tommy has to be contained in order for the school to run smoothly, and Wilbur is a dramatic fuck that sleeps through most of his classes - Tommy has to take frequent breaks - They make him spend 3rd period in the principles office - Like he obviously needs help but he can’t afford it at all. Even the school can’t do anything for him bc he can’t get anything official for himself - like he can't even try to concentrate - He gave up so quickly in high school, bc they don’t have enough time or staff to help him - he tried in middle school - but man, did he give up in highschool - Yeah. He knows it is hopeless. Can't even afford college anyway. he'll just do whatever Wilbur does - here's an idea: Fucking Karl Jacobs showing up to school one morning just absolutely hammered out of his mind - Karl just showing up to first period AP Physics, and he's barely awake, honestly smells so much like weed and booze, and if he breathed anywhere near you, you could just feel the alcohol radiating from his breath - He's extra bubbly, laughs at everything - takes out his notebook to take some sort of notes, and just fucking giggles at the shapes and equations. He is very spacy, he clearly stayed up all night doing something very illegal; he gets up and jumps around. 2nd period band? oh boy - He gets sick at lunch bet - Like everyone got Drunk but Karl got FUCKED up - It was his birthday, bet - He took like 17 shots over the course of like 8 - 12ish hours, and I looked it up, despite karl being super scrawny and probably like 140 - 150ish pounds - which isn't a lot for being 5'11 - will not kill him - BECAUSE, you guessed it, he turned 17 - He didn't sleep, he was awake taking shots and just fucking who knows what until 6am when they stumbled to school - at lunch, 11:30 in the morning - he's head down on the table, miserable - he doesn't have a hangover yet, because it's only been a few hours, but man, is he nauseous - just the smell of food makes his stomach churn - and the thing about fucking Jacobs showing up drunk as hell - is that at least one of his teachers has called his mom about it - SHES PRESIDENT OF THE PTA FOR FUCKS SAKE, ONE OF THEM KNOWS HER - And the teachers aren't stupid, Karl is so obviously drunk - generally Karl is pretty quiet in class; but now he has no distinction between hanging with hs friends and being in class - he's shouting and cracking jokes and is very tempted to kick his chair over - Anyways, Karl fucks himself over, end of story - ONTO PUNZ’S RELGIEOUS TRAUMA WOOOOOOOOOOOO - It's Punz - fuckin' golden boy Punz; he plays football; and goes to church; and calls his mother "momma"; wears a nice church outfit; and is polite to the bible study mothers that come over on tuesday nights and gets them drinks - just a fuckin' golden boy - A religious family. Go to church every Sunday. Sunday school. Holidays. But. The kid just realizes that they don’t believe in god. Them telling the group like they’re high and he’s like “you know? Some of the shit that’s happened to us proves to me that god rlly isn’t real.” - and Punz like prays every day for Tommy's dad to get his job back; or for Gogy to get better parents; or for Karl to live the life he wants; and NOTHING EVER WORKS. THEY'RE ALL STILL FUCKED. - by the way we will get the the Tommy's dad losing his job later - But Punz's life is controlled by something he doesn't even believe in anymore - because he's still going to the like church breakfasts, and christmas service, and every sunday morning, and helping his mom's ladies bible study, and his parents are talking about sending him to a youth bible camp - - and he doesn't even think he believes in god anymore. - Punz kind of took out his own personal, religious, and family struggles out the way most teenage boys do. Drinking, and lots of sex. - SO I just imagined this like, really dramatic moment, where its the morning after Punz had a one night stand at some sort of party down the street, and he's long past saving his virginity for his wife, but he's buying her the morning after pill, which his church is just so against, and he has like the moment of, "if you do this, you're done." and he does it - he's had a couple of those moments, like, when he first had sex, and when he first smoked weed, or popped a pill, or snuck out at night, or skipped church - but that was the moment of "there is no going back" - like any type of drug or procedure that aborts an embryo, or that blocks fertilization thats already in process in like: the biggest no no in his church community - so once he stepped out of that drug store, he kind of took a breath, and just came to terms with it - "I'm an atheist." - Punz is the pastors son. - he's like, pre-commited to a catholic college - he’s in deep. - so when he first announces it to his friends, one really late night, "I think god might not be my thing." - they just start whistling and say "FINALLY, THE PASTORS SON HAS TURNED AROUND." - Dream just like turns over to him "how many chicks did you fuck to make you realize that?" - Tommy just slings his arm over Punz, "I'm glad you've quit the Jesus shit, Punz. Your better than it." - There’s gotta be this girl ok. He rlly rlly wants to have sex with her but he always backs out. The thing that breaks him. Is that he gets drunk and loses his virginity to someone who is not that girl - like, he likes this girl, and has a good connection with her, and she likes him, and he knows that its gonna be comepletly consentual, and she's like fucking beautiful right? - and she's the one he wants to loose it to and he's a stupid fucking idiot and loses it to some fucking random ass chick that doesn't even go to their school - This triggers a spiral. After that? He slowly starts giving less of a fuck abt everything. He fucked up the one thing you can’t do over and god he’s so painfully aware of it and so painfully aware that he didn’t even fuck up right. - You’re supposed to wait till marriage. Nope. You’re supposed to do it with someone you love and trust. Double nope. He. Fucked. Up. - its just like he wanted to do something bad. he wanted to fuck something up. he was questioning his faith, his like, great and sturdy and always-there faith for the first time, and what better way to test faith than to do something shitty and see what comes of it. and so he was planning and planning and planning how he was gonna do this terrible thing - which is such a good kid thing to do, to put so much thought into your own rebellion - but he wanted this to go perfectly. - Little Pastors Son, Punz, wasn't gonna wait till marriage. - He was gonna have sex with the girl of his dreams before they were even dating - but man did he like her. Did he want her. - And then he fucked some random girl when he was black out drunk. He's fucked everything up - he can't wash this away with confession - he's tainted. He's dirty. - He looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize the heathen staring back. - He hates who he's become. - But he never goes back - he can't. He's dirty. He's wrong. - but the more he goes down the spiral - the more he realizes that one mistake shouldn't have made him feel like that - that if god was real, which he honestly wasn't sure in that department, he wouldn't want Punz to feel like the scum of the earth for doing something wrong. especially when he felt so bad after he did it. This system was fucked. He didn't want to be apart of another cycle - and he's just lying to himself every time he goes to church, and reads a cerse for his mom, and meets with younger kids at the church, and plays flag football with fucking church virgins who are good catholics and follow all their mommas orders - And every night when he says grace he means it less and less. he always does it when his momma asks, but boy does the lords word mean shit to him anymore From Ethan: - A turning point to the others in Punz's breakaway from Catholicism is like - He prays before he eats, usually. Sometimes they wait for him to finish his prayer before eating themselves, just out of politeness. He's a friend, he gets that shred of etiquette - And then one day he just doesn't. They got some fast food for a whole group dinner out at their hangout spot (a warehouse, did you say??) Tommy is staring at it intently but he waits for Punz to pray. Tubbo's already started eating but the rest wait - And Punz just starts eating - Dream nudges him, "No prayer, Pastor's boy?" - "No prayer," Punz mumbles into his food. "I'm trying something new." SO, TOMMYS DAD LOSING HIS JOB ARC W000000000 - it starts with Tommy showing up in a different jacket one day - like you have to understand, he's worn this jean jacket every single day for as long as WIlbur has known him, which is like 6 years - Like Tommy shows up in this giant, khaki work-jacket and it's his dads... - HIS DAD DIDNT DIE - his dad lost his job, which is essentially death to a family who already couldn't sustain themselves - and Tommy shows up to school, face pale and cheeks sunk in and there are visible bags under his eyes - and Wilbur just rushes over immediately and hugs him so tight to his chest - and Tommy just sobs, "pops lost his job -" gasp "I can't - we can't pay the bills this month. everything - its all falling apart Will." - "Hey - hey. Stop. It's gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay. You always are dude." - Tommy does have to get a job - and he probably does drop out of school unofficially, like he just stops going. - he sleeps during the morning classes, and heads into work at 10am - he's a carpenters assistant. it pays well as they need young, able men. but most of the younger citizens in the town go to school - he has to take the day shift because the day shift pays better - he doesn't mind it, he doesn't - it gives him the opportunity to get all of his energy out; but he misses going to school. as much as he hated it, he misses his friends. - and lets be honest, its hard as fuck for his dad to find a new job, he doesn't have a great resume - he didn't graduate from highschool. and he isn;t in top health condition, he definitely doesn't have health insurance - so Tommys stuck with this job for a long time - his dad uses his last paycheck to buy Tommy workboots so tommy feels in debt to him - He’ll get his GED eventually. - I think - The like religious status of the rest of the group brought to you by me - Everyone who I don’t mention is just a hard atheist - Karl and Wilbur are catholic, but to a lesser extent, Wilbur doesn't really go through with lent, and Karl only sometimes does. They go to a different church and go pretty much on holidays only, a sunday a month maybe. - SapNap goes to Punz's church, they've been friends for years. - He goes to sunday school but misses a lot of sermons because of his siblings sports games. - He is involved, but not to the way Punz is - SapNap's mother is in fact in Punz's moms bible group - Punz sometimes doesnt attend the bible group and Sap's mother is all "now you tell that pastor's boy to actually attend next time, got it?" and Sapnap dies a little on the inside - And George is an orthodox christian, but he's pretty much quit due to the blatant homophobia he's seen at his church.

AND NOW ON WILBUR SOOT AND KARL JACOBS AND BARKING - Wilbur has siblings, fun fact - that we will never talk about or address - but definitely nothing like Wilbur, more the Karl Jacobs type - Wilbur is the oldest. he's always lectured about being 'a good influence on your brother and sister.' - They’re big sports kids. Softball and Basketball (tall genes). Straight Bs; Bed by 10pm; Have never missed school - Parents pride and joy :) - Just good suburban kids, Have friends next door, help the neighbors, attend the cul-de-sac barbecues. - Basically who Wilbur used to be up until highschool (until Wilbur met weed and a good group of stoners) - Sure he was a disappointment and he had no clue what to do with his life - But he was happier - Never really liked being the goody- two-shoes boy next door, he doesn't know how karl does it “Playing good boy like a dog” - Also he used dog terms around Karl - Because he’s “Playing good boy like a dog” - He’ll throw Karl a beer and smile “go fetch” - He laughs so hard when he sees Karl be good in a class or play it up for his parents; Because Wilbur’s so past trying - Wilbur will walk by and just bark at karl. Bet. Just Growls lowly; Walks in a circle; Anything to make Karl’s parents (or Wilbur’s own) stare at him and scurry away - Karl’s parents push Karl forward and like hold their younger kids close to their chest, whispering “keep close, don’t look at him” - They tell Karl to stay away from kids like him. - And boy do Wilbur’s pa#rents hate it, They push him along and whisper yell at him As he throws his head back and cackles - I mean imagine, like a stereotypical middle class suburban family: House wife, blue collared father, Two kids; in sports jerseys, Girl in braids, boy in khakis - And then there’s Wilbur: Doc Martins, black jeans, collar and sweater, beanie. Definitely high on something - Chains LOTS OF CHAINS - And he's Barking. Fucking Barking At the nice family down the street - And then he takes out his vape right in front of his parents and silently offers Karl a hit with a smirk - Cause Karl’s too busy playing good boy - And as Karl’s family looks back, as Wilbur is corralled by his mom - He flips them off with the biggest smirk uou will ever see - Wilbur's kind of an ass - And Karl really wants a hit of that vape.

#wallflower au #wilbursoot #tommyinnit #karl jacobs #quackity #sapnap #and Big Q #georgenotfound #gogy #punz #dream #dreamwastaken #tubbo #long post

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geniedocroe · 4 years

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hi I really love your ships. Can I request one? I’m 5’5, and I have shoulder length dirty blonde hair, brown eyes, and I’m on the curvy/chubbish side :) Very introverted. I struggle with shyness, so it takes me a while to open up. I worry about everything. Really close to my family, and I care a lot!! I’m kind of a mom friend. I enjoy playing piano, reading scary books, movies, oldies music, Halloween, and going on mini road trips. I’m also a complete klutz and will trip on thin air. Thanks!!

as an s/o:

sometimes i’ll read a request & be like hm i haven’t shipped anybody w them in a while and i don’t think i’ve shipped anybody w gene like at all

ALSO this will be my last ship for tonight because i’m tired so you are special

we know eugene doesn’t appear to have many friends throughout the series

(my achy breaky heart 💔)

you and eugene clicked almost immediately

you went on a date & it was silent a lot of the time but it was a confortable silence

gene led a lot of the conversation & you listened eagerly and happily

he got you to laugh & smile and he was so proud of himself because wow that’s progress

he knows how difficult it can be to be very quiet & shy and at times he felt very alone and he never wants you to feel that way

the two of you attended an easy company reunion and for as long as you had known eugene, he had never really talked about the men he served with

they seemed like an amazing bunch

at first it was scary when an excited ginger called babe ran up to gene and gave him the biggest hug in the existence of hugs

people didn’t exactly tend to notice you because you stood beside gene silently and just observed

and you never left his side

you stood hand in hand for most of the time babe chatted with him

gene finally got babe to be quiet and he took that time to introduce you

you gave babe a timid smile but you still didn’t speak

babe told gene that you seemed perfect for him

you let gene speak with all of his old friends and didn’t dare to interrupt once

carwood lipton came up to you at one point and began to ask you questions very politely

this was one man you had soon started to appreciate

gene loves to sit beside you at the piano with his hear on your shoulder and watch you play

he finds it very relaxing

he finds everything very relaxing

he was a war medic after all

i love the idea of gene being the lightest sleeper ever

you know this abt him and always try your hardest to not wake him if you wake up before him or need water or whatever

however he is always wake at any sudden movement or if you sit up

he’s always peering at you in the dark with a confused expression

“what’s wrong what happened”

most nights he’ll fall asleep before you because his body had missed out on so many hours of sleep for years that it lets itself shut down once genes brain is like sleep time

you’ll be reading a book very very quietly and gene will gasp in his sleeping and then bolt awake & be sitting straight up

it gives you a heart attack everytime but you just set your book aside, pull him into you, and fall asleep together

sometimes the two of you will just be walking and you’ll trip and then gene will compare you to babe

at first you didn’t understand who babe was but then you had met him at the reunion and you decided it wasn’t too bad to be compared to a ray of sunshine

as a bestfriend:

did y’all know on june 1, 2019 i went to my very first concert & that was a nkotb concert

this is the ultimate mother

he saw you being all quiet and panicked at the easy reunion and decided to spark of a convo

you didn’t feel uncomfortable talking to lip

you actually appreciated him very well and instead of spending the rest of the night glued to gene you spent a lot of it at lips side

he introduced you to many easy veterans

you were very quiet meeting them & gene watched you from afar w a smile on his face

people began to ask if you were with lip and how long you had known him

lip told them the two of you had just met and you were actually with doc roe & they were like ohhhh that makes sense

everybody likes lip

they understood that you ofc were gonna warm up to him quickly

you and lip go on spontaneous one day road trips sometimes & gene is very confused

he’ll come home from a shift at the hospital and you will get home right after him

you tell him that you went on a trip with lip and then he’s a lot less confused

he trusts that lip will keep you safe

and gene knows how fast it took you and lip to become friends

it was very fast

whenever there’s a problem you call lip

he’s like a mother

he will drop anything he’s doing and help you

at other easy reunions years later when you and eugene have been married for forever people like to joke that you and lip seemed so married but you had barely known him

you had now known these men for years and you’d roll your eyes and tell them to shut up

gene & lip would watch you do this & they think back to the very first east reunion they attended

lip thinks back to the very first time he met you

and you are not the same person

#band of brothers #hbo war #easy company #eugene roe #carwood lipton

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bluesfm · 4 years

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( park chaeyoung , twenty two , & cisfemale ) who ? these days , it’s all about blue hyong, who comes from los angeles & ca and is making headlines as a singer . she currently has a fan count of 42k , no thanks to the rumors of them being inflexible ! but , on the other hand , their most devout fans say they’re actually imaginative . last i heard , they caused quite a buzz when she publicly dissed her new record label and the misogynistic treatment she was receiving from their reps ! it’s no wonder they remind me of long rants in the notes app being posted to her twitter account , empty bottles of wine laying at recording studios’ floors & notebooks upon notebooks filled with lyrics she might never use but refuses to let go of .

well hello human friends !! n also hello to the non human friends too , wassup . i’m angie a dumb noodle from the middle of the south american jungle , and i’m here to introduce yall to this mess i call blue who’s a muse i have had for yrs now n carry w/ me wherever i go , with some minimal changes but she’s still the same messy bitch on the inside don’t worry folks ! so i will provide u w/ some background info on her n some possible connections under the cut . issa lil messy but we’ve been away for a while pls bear w me

blue is the only daughter to a couple of south korean immigrants that came to america when they were in their very early 20s n already expecting blue in order to chase the american dream n create a better life for themselves n their family . their life was pretty hard for a big part of blue’s childhood , while they were both studying n working odd jobs to pay for their education all the while taking care of a child . so blue didnt have the best childhood , not that her parents were bad or anything they just didnt have time for her . nowadays , they are a lot more comfortable in life , since her dad became a lawyer n her mom is a nurse , but they definitely didnt have an easy beginning .

ok so maybe bc they werent present durant most of her childhood they didnt notice a lol of signs that might have made things a lot easier for them , bc by the time they were available to emotionally be there , during her early teenage years , blue was already kinda a mess . she had grown up w very lil structure n refused the rules they tried to instill on her n was already used to doing things her own way . that lead to a lot of conflict between them , since they expected her to study hard n do well for herself in a nine to fiver when she was already sure art was the only way to go n while she did ok , she definitely wasn’t as good as her parents expected her to be .

so ... u know her teenage yrs were basic girl angsty she fought a lot w her parents n rebelled frequently n ran away from home like ... weekly , but she never rly had any real hardships . life was reasonably good but she always had something to complain abt ... just as she liked

[ MENTAL ILLNESS TW ]

but then she reached her late teens they all realized there was something going on other than the usual teenage angst she displayed all the time when she had her first manic episode . her parents thought it was a “ blue thing “ at first bc she was usually a very impulsive person n she rly didn’t have a habit of thinking before acting on her impulses , but her mom quickly noticed the signs of a manic episode when she realized how aggitated n restless she was , specially when blue described an hallucination she seemed to be having . they took her to a psychiatrist , she was admitted to a hospital n diagnosed w type 1 bipolar disorder n very quickly medicated . while the medication brought her out of her episode , n she was allowed to go home after her mood seemed to stabilize , blue also noticed it stunted her severely emotionally n decided ( against medical n parental advice [ pls dont do it fam !! take ur meds ] ) to quit her medication , falling into her first major depressive episode a few weeks afterwards . n for abt four years she’s been living w her disorder , n she doesn’t medicate at all . she’s super open abt her struggles n she has a Lot of them , specially w how much drugs n alcohol she consumes . i never said she was smart yall .

[ END OF TW ]

ok so as u probably assume , blue is an emotional mess . she has a very chaotic personality , n most of it isnt even from her illness or anything she just is a very chaotic person in general ? she is one of those artsy ppl who forgets to wash her own clothes so she ends up wearing the same dress for like , 3 days . she’s super outspoken n outgoing n rly easy at making friends if u can get past the dumbass energy she exudes 24/7 ? but yes just a very outgoing person n a outright mess most of the time . she is also soooo stubborn u will never get her to change her mind abt smth she believes to be right about in any way . u just cant . she loves a good time n loves partying n is the lack of impulse Queen soo if u got any bad ideas she is the one u should go for if u need any company . also .... so dramatic . she makes a big deal of everything n has 0 apologies abt that . just catch her crying over high school musical 3 or smth like that .

but yea on the bad side tho , blue takes up n gives up on projects so easily n she can be super fickle abt things in general . like , she will defend an idea for 7 hours but 2 days later she’s already onto smth else n doesnt even remember being so obsessive abt that other thing ? a mess . is also Quite abrasive ? if she thinks ur acting dumb shes not gonna be scared to call u out on it . can also have a Reaally explosive temper . not usually but specially during manic episodes she can be quite easy to annoy ngl . is very unreliable , especially if ur not too close .. tbh that is something connected to her disorder . when she’s on a manic episode , she will be too busy planning things she will never get around to doing or painting her entire house or spending 3 days awake n drunk writing 17 songs by herself . n during her depression is very hard to get her to do anything n even if she feels terrible , she rly cant be an available friend .

in regards to her sexuality , she’s an open bisexual and also is a crazy romantic n falls so hard for literally no reason . but like ... doesnt have the healthiest mentality for relationships ? not like in a toxic way but she will usually give 145% of herself at all times n honestly believes all of the ppl she falls for are the one (1) just wants to make things work no matter what . she’s v impulsive w/ meeting n falling for ppl tho so things dont rly end up working n she always ends up heartbroken over it . Well . At least she’s trying right ?

in regards to her career n art , she’s posted youtube covers n original songs for a couple years and gathered a decent following ? she wasnt huge or anything but she did get a record deal w an actual big label out of it a few months ago . blue was pretty happy abt it but then when the recording process started she realized they werent treating her as she thought she deserved at all ? which resulted on her taking her thoughts to some reps of the label n when she didn’t feel any difference in the way she was being treated she took it to the public ? which definitely caused quite a sitr bc she wasn’t a huge name but she was big enough ? so now she’s in some considerable trouble w her label but Also more famous than ever so they are choosing not to bury her for now ? she’s in some definite trouble though so it’ll be fun to see what happens next n what her moves will be ? spoiler alert : it’ll prob be smth dumb.

i still have so much to say but i’m so lazy wow . dont start ur intros so close to opening time folks thats my tip as an old internet auntie . OK SO ONTO SOME CONNECTIONS NOW

some label mates who she may or may not get along with ?

hookups !! she prob has a few she regrets too bc who doesnt am i right

best friends !! ppl who actually support her n she loves w no restrictions just love all around friends

exes </3 not gonna lie i have some sad ideas abt this one

good influence bc blue is a mess she needs one of those pls someone slap her head n make her drink some water

a fling she has feelings for but may not be requited ... i like my romantic connections to be angsty did yall notice

artistic soulmate !! someone her artistic bitch side just vibes with ? could be a songwriter or singer or anything tbh

some indecisive romantic shit where blue rly knows sh’s too messy n this person is too amazing ? but they still have feels so ... now what ?

this is p mcuh it ?? it has taken so long to finish this i hate myself but HEY if u like blue or dislike her u should hit me up so we can come up w some plot ideas ? i wish i had a quirky goodbye idea but my brain has just quit working guys so u get nothing from me other than a good old fashioned goodbye thanks for ur attention i love u

#cala.intro #sometimes i surprise even myself w how unorganized i can be #i am sorry this is so messy im trying to keep it on brand tm #also i cant believe i actually finished this

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ofdarkholmes-blog · 6 years

Text

TRIGGER WARNINGS : talk abt death and injury throughout

i’ll carry you all the way / and you will choose the day when you’re prepared to greet me. i’ll be a good mum, i swear, you’ll see how much i care, when you meet me.

august 1st.

star lacrosse player left in critical condition following attack. theo hanson of cold spring, new york, has been placed in a induced coma after an attack which occurred on july 23rd in the alleyway behind his place of work. the nineteen year old, a star sportsplayer for the local team described as “charismatic” and “open” by relatives and friends, is assumed to have been assaulted while on his lunch break, at work. coworkers became concerned for him when he didn’t return at the end of the hour, and following a brief search, found him out back and immediately called emergency services, who rushed him from the scene and to the nearest hospital. as the attack happened in the evening and in a place without security cameras, an appeal has been made by local authorities for any information relating to the event which can be provided by possible eyewitnesses. no more information is being released to the press about the teens condition at this time, but both the police and mr hanson’s relatives refuse to comment on the working theory put forward by classmates that mr hanson - a known mutant - was the subject of a hate crime against his kind.

august 6th.

it had taken six days for word to reach ramona.

six days.

SIX DAYS, where she had carried on with her normal, every day life - just like clockwork. she had woken up. brushed her teeth. gotten dressed. gone to work. made repairs to her bike, on her break, and headed home later in the evening with the same sense of empty accomplishment that she had always had. rinse, repeat. on the saturday, she had even stepped out for a few hours and spent them downing whiskey at johnny's bar.

she went about her life in exactly the same way as she always did. she cracked a smile, here and there. she rolled her eyes. she made some comment or another.

and all the while she did, her boy - her roth - lay hooked up to machines that were keeping him ALIVE in sinai hospital.

every time she had seen him over the years, he had in some way, changed. she had always tried to keep her visits regular, but life was unpredictable, and actually making the trip got more and more difficult as the time had passed - months could stretch by between every stop by, and he was always different. sometimes, it was his height. he had gone through a growth spurt when he was fourteen, six inches, total, and she remembered how strange it was that if she'd been herself, right then, she would have had to look up at him. another summer, his face had been just a bit more angular, his body a little more lean - he had just started playing lacrosse, and it was doing a world of good for him, speed ridding him of any leftover baby fat he'd had. one winter, she had visited to find him sporting shoulder length hair dyed black, part of some strange phase which she hadn't been privy to the details of. when she had returned in the spring, his head was buzzed and the color gone. she'd thought to herself, then, how much that close cut do had made him look like the abe she had met over thirty years before. every year, every month, every day, every hour, every second - every time. he looked more and more like him.

he looked a lot like him now, too. how she'd seen him, last. the image burned to memory, that haunted her most nights - broken, bruised... lifeless.

it had taken her two hours to work up the COURAGE needed to waltz into ICU. she'd grabbed an id from the changing rooms - left behind by its owner, just finished a thirteen hour shift - and she had taken that girls face, all the better to move through the rooms, without question. but she'd stood outside for far too long simply contemplating what awaited inside, skimming through patient information sheets, hoping that the details burning themselves to memory would, in some way, make what she was about to face easier in some way.

they didn't.

she had finally pushed through, dodging her faces coworkers with a tight smile, ducking into the side room where theo hanson lay.

he didn't look grown up, anymore. the last few times she had seen him at a distance, romy had felt the crushing sadness of a mother losing her baby - a feeling she had no right to feel, but that she found impossible not to when he was growing up so fast. now... god. now her sadness came from just how YOUNG he looked, lying there, and it ached so much more. her legs went from under her, and thank goodness for the chair beside him.

he was pale and small, the dark purple blotches decorating his skin the only thing that really differentiated between him and the stark white bedsheets. as her gaze swept over him, she took what was some sort of sick inventory - remembering the details of his medical sheets as she took in his suspended leg ( "broken in three places" ), bandaged arm ( "wrist shattered" ), the machine that was inhaling, exhaling for him ( "lung punctured" ).

it was true that she was stronger than crumbling now.

she had, in all her life, seen by far worse than this.

but it was different, when it was your blood.

all of his life. all of helena's. she had kept them at a distance, stayed on the outside, looking in on their lives. the only words she had ever spoken to him had been from behind anothers face.

but with her thoughts back on the night that his father had died and left her, and her eyes drinking in every sorry detail of his battered little body, romy hadn't been able to stop herself from reaching forward and grasping his one good hand, tightly, bringing his fingertips to her lips.

she didn't have very long. eyes tightly closed, voice thick, romy clasped his hand between both of hers and held it to her, his pulse beating in time with her heart.

"you don't know me. i'm sorry. i'm sorry, that you don't- i thought it would be better. if you can hear me, now, though, i- i want you to know, who i am.

my name is ramona darkholme. ROMY. that's what everyone calls me, and i hope...- i hope more than anything, you'll call me that someday, too. theo, there's no easy way to- there's no easy way to tell you this. when i thought about it, it was always...- you were awake. i don't have any right to call myself your mom, but, theo- ROTH- you're my son. you've always been my son. and i have always loved you, so much.

that's why i did everything i did- it's why i gave you up. you and your sister. there is so much, that i want to tell you...- that i think you deserve to hear. about...- who you are. your FAMILY, your biological family. about me, and... and your dad. you- you look a lot like him. and he'd be so proud, of you. of your sports, and... and everything else. i want to tell you about him. how i lost him. why i- why i chose to lose you, and your sister. i want to tell you everything. i want to know you- and i want you to know me, too. so you have to be okay- ok? you have to wake up.

i haven't been there. i thought, all along, that you were better off without me, but theo, i- i want you to know me now because i want to know YOU, and i- i can't lose you, before we get that chance.

so you have to wake up. and i have to...- i have to explain. we have to talk. ok? we have to talk soon. i know i've kept you waiting, a really long time, but- but i'll be close, when you wake up. i won't keep you waiting anymore. okay? i promise. theo.

i promise."

#self para tag tbd.#hey i fuckin hate myself tonight

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blackvail22 · 3 years

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13 february 2021

5:08am - tomorrow’s valentine’s day. what a shame, i guess.

it’s always been one of my favorite holidays. i remember the feeling i had on valentines day last year, though. i was... i was honestly really sad, but i didn’t mind it. it was the first (and last) year me and jenna stopped trying to hide our relationship so much. i wanted to get something for her, but i never did. wait, no... i did. i made her something. i dont know. i did get a really good photo of myself out of that day though lmao

valentines day is a day of love, and love is the only thing i’ve wanted but never have gotten, so. i mean. it’s a yearly reminder of that.

4:07pm - luxury items don’t excuse emotional torment

3:16am (14/02/21) - i played with one of the most entertaining guys ive ever met today. i met him through a friend, and he’s a few years younger than me (by school grades, i dont know his age). both his friend (zion) and him (jay jay) are younger than me. im wording this very confusing so i’ll just stop now, lol. im going to go to sleep now :P

oh, they’re guys, and theyre internet friends. jay jay is the one that came up with the “prank” a few weeks ago. while playing with them, though, zion has a mic, and every time i played really well or i was playing in a lobby full of everyone’s friends, he would talk abt how they just all got killed by a girl. yeah, i get it, i guess, and he did say that it didnt really matter afterward but... ehh... this is just the first encounter ive had with someone that knows im a girl and thinks i play well and hasnt said that i was faking my identity, harassed me, belittled my talent after i played well against them, and/or asked me for nudes soo... im glad it went well. and zion was really funny, and his voice reminded me of someone i haven’t seen in awhile, so it was nice. hopefully i play with that group more often. i have to be weary playing with them during the day because my mom is awake and home, and she reacts negatively when i talk to others online because of me talking to you and multiple others when i was 9&10. now, look, i get the others. one of them pressured me into something i didnt want to, and the other tried to make me do the same thing. on the other hand, you arent bad. i wish she could see that for herself. wooooow, it is true people open up when theyre tired. lmaooo, okay, i think im *actually* gonna sleep now.

4:12am (14/02/21) - i still want to talk to someone but i dont know what to talk about :(

i miss having the company of someone. just a simple video call while we’re both doing what we want to would be fine. or even having a long conversation over the phone. i remember the ones i had with jenna. i liked them. i liked the ones we had when it was late at night, and i was at her house. i wish i could talk to her more. maybe when i can go back to in-person school i will, as much as i dread it. i’ll have to at some point because my mom refuses to homeschool me. she knows why i hate school so much (ive been bullied since my 2nd year in school) but she doesnt want my social skills to disappear. they’re already gone. i have social anxiety. plus, i’ll (probably) get a job soon anyway. im thinking about working at the same place as emily and possibly the same hours (if possible) so i have someone familiar. i dont think id make it if i didnt have someone familiar near me. maaaaan, i miss emily so much, but my mom hates her. whenever she sees her, all she can think about is emily’s sex life and calling her rude names and its just... its not her place nor her business. it’s also just rude. i used to talk poorly about emily, though, which i regret. i apologized to her for it multiple times, and i still feel sorry. i want to keep apologizing, but i think she knows that i’m sorry. i wish i could take back the things i said about her. two of my friends were at conflict (one being emily) and i didnt know what to do. i also blamed her for a lot of things that were my fault to begin with. i think there was a point where i lost myself in her. i can see that happening a little with b, but it’s not as bad. with emily, i couldnt find my own identity if it didnt involve some part of her. i still have no clue who i am because i am constantly changing, but...

im oversharing

wtf

im gonna stop

how long have i been ranting?

ehh 14 minutes isn’t bad. i need to stop talking for now. it’s 4:30am. sleeeeeeppppp

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snekblr · 6 years

Text

Here’s a failed attempt at an angst fic, enjoy because i havent written in like 5 years

CW: a n g s t (maybe)

Rating: G-T?

“Hey did you hear? That grey-haired transfer kid left Inaba a few days ago.”

“Is that so? He arrived just as abruptly as he left, why come when you’re gonna leave so soon anyway?”

Yosuke increased the volume of his mp3 player. The last thing he needed to be reminded of right now was the fact that his partner wasn’t here anymore. He searched for his name in the newly posted class roster and headed to class 3-2, ignoring a student with the name of Souji Seta being crossed out at the bottom of the list.

Classes weren’t bad. They were just so frustratingly boring that it makes you want to rip your hair off and regrow them just to rip them off again. Yosuke was preoccupied with random thoughts about anything remotely interesting as an attempt to stay awake from the curse of a sleep-inducing lecture.

“Hanamura-kun! I bet you’re not listening,give me the answer for question 3!”

That definitely caught him off-guard. As a reflex, the brunette leaned forward and whispered to the student seated in front of him.

“Hey sou-“

Wait. That’s not Souji.

Yosuke tried to calm down and glanced through the question written on the board. Hold on, this question seems familiar, he came across it while studying with Souji last year. “um...Mt. Olympus...?”he squeaked nervously.

“Good try Hanamura-kun but I was asking about the tallest mountain in Malaysia. Pay attention next time,”the teacher scoffed while resuming his lesson.

‘Oh crap. Where the fuck is Malaysia anyway,’ Yosuke mumbled while he overheard his classmates whispering to one another.

“Looks like he really is a disappointment, why did that...guy...Seta-san hang out with him anyway? Seta is way cooler than he is!”

“Wow he can’t even answer that? I guess Junes is the only thing he’s good for. “

“He’s useless now that Seta-kun is gone!”

Snickers and whispers were supposed to be soft and barely audible right, but why were they deafening to the brunette? They were loud and they lingered in his mind. Why won’t they get out? Why is this happening?

And for the first time in three years, Yosuke paid full attention throughout the rest of the lecture.

He couldn’t have ran any faster when the bell rang. He needed to escape, albeit for a mere 20 minutes , he has to get out of that place pronto. It was beginning to suffocate him and he didn’t know why. With his legs on autopilot he ended up at the school rooftop. As he barged through he heard two shrieks, very familiar shrieks to be precise.

“Yosuke, don’t scare us like that!”Chie yelped while Yukiko tried looking away. Both of them seemed somewhat guilty and have slightly flushed faces, as if they’d been caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing on school grounds.

“Yosuke-kun, would you mind going somewhere else to eat? I...have something private to discuss with Chie. Sorry.” Yukiko requested nicely but sternly. With Chie right beside her it’d be impossible to leave the roof in one piece if he decided to protest. He merely nodded, understood that his presence was greatly not welcomed to the girls and took his leave silently.

Yosuke was on the verge of tears, how lame and pathetic would it be to cry on your first day in school? Lunchtime was going to be over soon so he decided to hide in the bathroom until the bell rings.

The stall was kind of dark and slightly claustrophobic but compared to the classroom he’d gladly take the offer of staying here for the entire year if he could. As Yosuke wore his headphones, his stomach made a grumble similar to a Shadow that he used to fight. It was at this moment that he realized he actually didn’t pack anything for lunch.

It wasn’t that he forgot, it was more of a reason that...Souji was the one making lunch for them everyday. His heart ached while another realization dawned upon him as he noticed he went to the rooftop because it was his regular meeting spot with Souji during lunch.

As much as he was familiar with Yasogami High, he never felt so foreign and outcasted. He knew that if he stayed in school any longer he would just make a fool out of himself for crying. Yosuke made a mad dash into his class, took his belongings and told the class representative he wasn’t feeling well and left. Fortunate for him, the Class Rep took his reddish nose and croaked voice as symptoms of a flu so he was allowed to leave without questions.

Of course he didn’t go straight home or else his mom would never let him hear the end of it. Deciding to just wander around the small town, once again the brunette let his legs take charge of his destination. The music blared on his headphones as he strolled, ignoring the glances and chatters of housewives and passersby.

He stopped in his tracks, unsurprised that he was currently standing in front of the Dojima Residence. The white scooter that Souji rode was still parked in place. Upon closer inspection, he noticed the key was in place. With that said, Yosuke Hanamura did the dumbest thing he’d ever imagined.

> hey prtnr, u didnt rmve ur scootr key??

Souji replied almost instantly.

> I might have forgot, wait why are you at Dojima’s at this hour Yosuke?

‘Ah crap now I’ve really done it haven’t I.’ Yosuke groaned and replied.

> its a long stry, dnt wry abt it

> I don’t buy it. Is there something bothering you? You can tell me about it, you know you can trust me right, partner?

> cn i call u??

> Now’s not a good time, I’m...still in class. Sorry but I’ll call you when I’m dismissed. Let’s just text for now.

> but u hv clss wont u gt caught??

> That’s not as important as you. You need me at the moment, I can’t just leave you be.

> y r u so nice 2 me, im juz a disapoinman i cnt even spll it rite ...

> I treasure you as my friend and most trusted partner. You’re not a disappointment...You’re special to me Yosuke. I won’t forgive myself if I ignore you when you’re in trouble. Besides, you’d do the same for me too right? We are equals. I want to prove that to you. Please let me.

> i undrstnd, focus in clss , il b alrite, thx prtnr ..

> Remember that I’m here for you. Text me if there’s anything alright?

> i will , cya ltr :)

> :)

Yosuke stared at the screen, breathing a soft sigh. Things were definitely difficult at the moment but everything seemed like they’d turn out fine with Souji’s reassurance. It’s probably wrong, weird and girly to rely on a guy so much but for now that doesn’t matter. Souji may have left Inaba, but he definitely did not leave Yosuke. And Yosuke was content with that.

#whats a proofread #fic #angst maybe #yosuke hanamura #souj #souyo perhaps #i cant tag #enjoy #tagging angst agn #smol yukichie #they didnt mean to be mean #someone teach me fanfic ratings and taggings thank

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lacefuneral · 6 years

Text

some things. i need somewhere to vent so i’m doing that here.

basically, i have a lot of work i need to do for my studio classes. on sunday, i went into one of the art buildings and i was there from 7pm to 4am (monday morning). this was for printmaking. 9 hours.

I got home and went to sleep for a few hours and had to get up to go to class. i then immediately went back to the same building and worked from 2pm-9:00pm. 7 hours.

when i got home, i started working on the projects i needed to finish for my other two studio courses (graphic design based) and i worked from the time i got home until 8:00am (11 hours). I eventually collapsed from exhaustion and decided I wasn’t going to go at all, particularly since the work wasn’t even /finished/

now normally this wouldn’t be a huge deal, but i missed last thursday as well - and i don’t have any sort of medical documentation to validate that absence.

while all this is happening, my mother contacted someone and told them i needed an internship and basically put me in the awkward position of having to email them (during a high stress period, thanks!) i did and it took a few days but i got a response

have i answered or even read it? no! because i am in this horrible work-myself-to-death / collapse-in-exhaustion-and-despair cycle and i physically cannot engage in that right now

i haven’t bathed in days and my room is full of garbage. like, literal mountains of trash. i gave myself my T shot only to realize i had /half/ a dose left, and haven’t contacted my doctor to refill my prescription because (you guessed it!) i am in hell right now

to make matters worse, i am not scheduled for any classes right now. none. zip. nada. like, for the next semester.

because my advisor (although polite in person) has this bizarre vendetta against me and she wouldn’t help me when i saught her aid... which is her job? as my advisor? so i have no plans right now for that.

also: i haven’t messaged my friends in weeks (months?) and aside from saying “yeah i’m awake” into the phone to my mother in the morning i haven’t talked to her either

(she calls me because i have a history of sleeping in and missing classes by accident. having to respond to a human being takes more brain power than hitting the snooze on my alarm so talking to her actually helps me be more alert)

but like. this is all a very tricky thing because like. there is no way for me to recieve any sort of help? its a matter of me finishing the work and getting these tasks done, which i’m doing!

that’s the fuckin thing like... i am so gone physically snd mentally but im still doing stuff. but there is so much. so much stuff. and no one can help me with it.

like all my mom knows abt the situation is that i have been working late because i told her i accidentally left my phone charger in an art building (i have since recovered it) so that if i couldn’t get it back and my phone died she knew what was going on

the stress and anxiety of all of this, the erratic sleep, the caffeine, is making my depression worse than usual. It’s not apathy anymore, it’s the stereotypical thing people think of when they hear the word “depression” - mopey, lonely, very sad.

my brain is telling me that i need help and support, that i need physical contact and warmth - and is responding to that basically saying “hey you will never find love from anyone, let alone another man because you are inherently repulsive and even if you did find a man he’d be a chaser that would fetishize you and use you for sex”

which like? hey how about we don’t do this thing right now.

and i started listening to a very gay podcast which would normally be a good thing but it just makes me release how alone i am

tldr im in hell

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chikotos · 7 years

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speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot.

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore.

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

#personal #animal abuse/#self harm/#other stuff probably i guess #nya #its long uhh full disclosure i sjt wanted to feel like i was talkin 2 someone nyall can ignore this

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