#my mental illness makes it even worse

[rackartyg]

i hate how fandom has moved to discord. hate it viscerally. it's made it so difficult to find community because it's all walled gardens, and sure, the walled gardens are more pleasant than the old wild west of everything being in the tags on tumblr! but god it's so difficult to get in one! there's no real way to shop around.

#my mental illness makes it even worse #i can't handle huge servers i just can't they terrify me #i need places with a handful of active users where i can recognise and get to know each one. otherwise i'm too afraid to ever say anything #and those ones you'd never even know existed! you gotta impress the admin and randomly get dm'd an invite #and hot take but lurking in a discord server is just pointless #discord conversations suck to backread #she speaks

[greatestjubilee]

bleh

#hi all. lucy here #i have barely been drawing lately because ive just been unable to #like i feel like i lost my spark. i dunno #i used to draw so much and make so many comics when i was absolute rock bottom mentally #like the funnier i was the worse i was doing #ive been better lately but i truly feel like ive almost sacrificed my ability to draw or create stuff for some more mental stability #i just....i dont know. i feel like i can't do anything i used to do with art. like im not funny or have no ideas or just think stuff like #oh ill just draw this because people will wanna see it #but i gave that up because not even i wanna see it anymore #i hope that i can feel like drawing again one day i just dont know how to get it back. it really feels like ive lost a major part of myself #this is my rambling here just to let you know i am still around just kind of laying low because im drained

[coffeeworldsasaki]

Another thing that makes kaladin so painfully relatable is how much his mental illness hides his personality, because between depressive episodes and trauma he's this sarcastic little shit that smiles a lot at his friends and then the depression gets to him and all that disappears

#I'm dreading book 4 so much #my depression got worse while reading it the first time 😭 #also I don't remember exactly what but multiple times he says stuff that i think too often and having a fictional character say that l #ridiculous stuff caused by mental illness made me feel even worse #it helped! because it hit me how stupid it is and that i should avoid that type of thinking at all costs! but didn't i feel like shit for a #while #now i almost finished book 1 and book 2 has Shallan's past 😬😬😬😬😬 #can't wait to read again about her horrible childhood locked home with a violent father that take out his rage at her on others #that won't make me feel horrible at all! #it's not like i wasn't almost crying just at her getting an anxiety attack at the beginning #....these books feels awfully aimed at me fjskdks #the stormlight archive #cosmere

[fisheito]

Me: Everything i make is garbage i shouldn't even bother

The eiden in my head:

Me: Sorry eiden you're right my efforts have value

#any time i feel down about the act of creation #actually. any time i feel this way about... saying words in public too #when i'm typing up a comment anywhere on this site and the internal narration is constantly trying to stop me #with LOUD whispers of No one cares!! or even worse... people actively do not want to know ur thoughts!!! zip them fingerlips!!!!!! #during moments of struggle like this #i summon eiden like the powerful support assist he is #into my battle against myself #hey if he can fix kuya he can definitely fix me 😂 #he is a stellar therapist for the clan. so strong. how does he do it #a new coping mechanism!! next time you feel down about your work #imagine you're one of eiden's clan members #exhibiting Mental Illness #and he just gives u that empathetic loving look. with some weird combo of words that makes u feel infinitely better #love u eiden u damaged sweetheart ty for the cbt #eiden

[suffarustuffaru]

so i talked a bit about reinjulisuba on this blog in the past like in this one ask but now ive made a quick and easy diagram summarizing their whole deal <3

#rezero #re:zero #natsuki subaru #reinhard van astrea #julius juukulius #arc 5 spoilers #THE REZERO BOY DRAMA IS INSANE 😭😭 they are so mentally ill knwdjdnd #reinjuli having not one not two but THREE brain chemistry life altering first meetings is fucking insane #julius is always cursed to have the worst first meetings of his life with random twinks #and julisuba being so stuck in astrea drama is so horribly funny 😭 theyre honorary family members at this point #THEN THERES REINSUBA BEING FREUDIAN….. #im never not losing my mind over them #i need to make a diagram with otto included in it also bc it gets EVEN WORSE… #rezero boy drama is crazy as always. theyre all deranged in different directions. i hate these men #reinhard knowing that reid is Like That and never telling/getting the chance to tell julius is the cherry on top 😭😭 #i need a 100k slow burn reinjulisuba fic STAT. im begging on my knees #also julisuba being into each other but also reinhard (platonic or romantic) but also admitting OUT LOUD that reinhards a monster. im crying

[fallenrain40]

Mapleshade

i have many thoughts on her

edit: hold on i forgot her scars i will reupload later uhh just say this is her before all the stuff happened

#something something i think mentallly ill cats should be allowed to heal when they die instead of being punished forever for their illness. #especially cause its just going to make the mental illness worse. #thats not saying what she did wasn't horrible i mean obviously she murdered ppl #but she was literally HALLUCINATING HER DEAD CHILDREN and THAT is what caused her to go insane #why was she punished for what she could not control?? #mapleshade #warrior cats #mapleshade wc #wc art #wc #wc designs #art #autumn's art #my design #digital art #however i also think she is slightly stupid. for making her children walk into a flooding river. but again #i don't think that was “suffer for eternity” level stuff since she was being driven from her home and likely not in a good state to #make good decisions to begin with #and she narration shows she didnt even consider that the river would be dangerous

[racxnteur]

Me at 2-3am, having slept approximately only 1h last night (…/day), yawning: Hmmm. I could go to sleep before dawn for once, or perhaps read a bit of that fic I have been meaning to keep up on.

Me, 50min later, accidentally ruminating on vampires instead: OR…………. I could spend the next five hours & notable craft mess on creating a couple of assemble-able little clay puppet dolls, for the sole purpose of having better anatomical and positional clarity when playing out ephemeral little scenes between fictional little fool men inside my mind 🤔

(Three guesses which option won, and the second two don’t count)

#a treat for the fans of my mentally ill fountain pen disassembly-posting #actuallyadhd #this post brought to you by 8a20 and me just now laying onto bed #(further chaotic: id literally just cleaned & bandage secured that exposed bit of my thumb ive just fucked up) #(only to immediately smush-displace the bandage‚ cot it twice after deciding on saying fuck it to glove‚ and then thoroughly knead the 1/ #thing in wet modeling clay for multiple hours 😌 2/2.) #anyway uhhhh #clay #figurines #maybe? #nix makes questionable choices #shenanigans #nix speaks #nix life #just adhd things #just nd things #has id #better or worse: the fact that there was zero even conceit of hesitation between me laying upon bed and me writing this post instead of 1/ #sleeping 2/2 #LA LA LA…..

[chryblossomjjk]

taking steps to get on antidepressants tomorrow besties 🤧

#im scared fr bc i know some side effects are like #making your mental health even worse and like oof cannot deal with that right now but #but like it’s worth a shot #also literally fuck anyone who says meds are the /easy way out/ #like most of us live with mental health issues for YEARS before we seek any type of treatment #like ive felt this way damn near my whole life #just as of recently it’s been literal rock bottom where it’s like a last ditch effort #and i feel like that’s the case for most of us?? #idk #but yeah literally fuck the stigma around medication #you deserve help #and you deserve to not feel miserable every day of your life #also like you don’t have to reach a certain level of bad or ill to seek help #if you feel like you need it pls pursue it #you deserve to be happy

[unicornsaures]

i really need to stop projecting onto historical figures

#doli try not to make laurens endure every mental trauma ever challenge GO #or even better #doli stop making laurens endure every trauma you went through challenge #(impossible) #taking my untreated mental illness out on men who died 200 years ago #JL looking down on me from the afterlife with sheer disappointment #(its because im a woman) #im sorry but laurens being sexist makes me laugh😭 #ive actually gone completely off topic #hi there if ur even reading the tags #laurens is my favorite tragedy i love making him endure worse than he did

[wild-at-mind]

Had a really stupid conversation via minor emotional breakdown with a queer friend about what makes an LGBTQ person 'assimilist'. From what she said I'm kind of forced to draw the conclusion 'if you say you're not assimilist, then you're not'.

#i love her but none of it makes any sense to me #i think i really just wanted her to see that this kind of rhetoric is no good if you're fundamentally unable to see yourself as having valu #to a community- which is where i'm still at sometimes unfortunately. #i would say that i may not be the only one since mental illness + self esteem issues + being lgbtq are not exactly unlinked #but i have basically never found anyone else who has my particular hangups...maybe online once ages ago #so in my own mind i'm the most assimilist lgbtq who ever existed- not even worthy to call myself queer #and it's nice that she thinks i am not like that and in fact am 'one of the good ones' #who is not assimilist- look i know that 'one of the good ones' usually means the opposite ok i know! it's just an impression i get #she's like telling me obviously i'm all good because i look like i do but all i can hear is #that if i didn't look like this then i'm an assimilist #i fucking hate my brain honestly no one asked me to have a mental breakdown at their house (thank god i didn't cry) #and then go home and that's when i cry because i saw a trans guy's 'this many years on t' post and i felt like shit because #i haven't done anything about transitioning in ages and i'm not even out at work :'( #like i know i'm an assimilist because my main reason for not coming out at work is not wanting to do the beaurocracy #of changing my name on my email and every fucking log in i have on everything- telling every single person i interact with #i just can't it's too much and my line manager is worse than useless #but i have 'my job is computer and doing emails all day' privilege so i don't like to talk to people about it

[nabaath-areng]

Hey so if anyone got any suggestions on what to do when you're stuck to liquid food only when liquid food is super tricky with eating disorder (and soup is THE hardest food to eat ever), I'm all ears cause I got two of my wisdom teeth extracted and I wasn't prepared for how hellish this would be <3

#literally google reddit etc gives me conflicting answers #and i cant tell how soon im allowed to eat the soft foods i CAN stomach #the only thing ive had for like the last 24 hours is yoghurt and i know ill suffer for it later #but my shitty body makes healing horrible!!!! i dread risking dragging this out!!!!! #ugughghhhhh #at least im not in as bad pain as i was 2 weeks ago #its surprisingly manageable all things considered especially in comparison #but the food thing stresses me out immensely #as food and eating in general are already things that stress and upset me easily #so being unable to eat anything thats safe makes this feel even worse than is probably rational really #dont mind me im juggling mental and physical bullshitc

[romance-incubomp3]

like if therapy and meds help you that’s so cool but it drives me insane how people treat those as some magical cure all that EVERYONE needs to seek out even though the psych industry is fucked and biased and not affordable and if trying to find a good therapist or find the right meds is doing nothing but causing you even more stress and anxiety even after you’ve been trying to get help for years than maybe it’s not worth it at that point

#do people just like forget that every med has a shit load of potential side affects?? #that can make your mental health and even physical health WORSE?? #like no one in my family has actually had meds work for them #they just kind of. didn’t do anything for me and my #brother is cursed with getting the Bad side effects of any medication he takes #so like #and when you have mental health conditions that entail #having an incredibly difficult time opening up emotionally or even talking about vulnerable topics #what’s the fucking point #I’d go thousands of dollars into debt before a therapist would ever get me to open up #and that’s IF I was lucky enough to find one that worked for me #also no psych is gonna solve the housing and economy crisis lol #they can’t do anything for me being depressed cause I’m stuck living in a tiny apartment crammed with other people! #even therapists and psychs have straight up told me I don’t seem to benefit from their services #idk just like. if you see that a mentally ill person isn’t on therapy or on meds by choice #consider there’s a reason for that and mind your own fucking business lol

[castielafflicted]

distinct possibility that things are going to start to get very bad for me in a few days because of medication reasons </3

#zeph posting #my birth control refill got denied bc i hadnt had an appointment in too long but i had no idea about that ahead of time #and i just took my last dose #i scheduled an appointment and the guy says they probably will do another refill since its a few weeks out #but! its not a sure thing #and i wont know until at the latest thursday #and so ! #this is the thing that keeps my mental health stable even moreso than the mood stabalizer #and also makes sure my physical health doesnt get horrifically worse for like 10 days a month #over 10 bc i have to recover too #so ill either be fine! or have to wait until like january 15th before i feel okay again #this is very bad to happen at christmas bc i have to be around people and do things #so i just. god if they dont give me a refill #if u see me say im posting from the ER after christmas its bc i dont have them and got suicidal </3

[barkbrained]

You have to think things will get better, otherwise what is the point!!! You have to hold out hope that things will get better and then maybe one day things will feel safe and be cool and everything will be fine (at least as fine as it can be)

#misc #rbs okay #I’m just so tired of the state of the world and I’m so tired of feeling unsafe every day #so tired of being tired. I have to hope my body will heal and I will feel better but it’s so hard #change has to come at some point and I have to hope I can make it to that point #I’m having a terrible time coping with the pain and fatigue and mental strain covid has left me with #I want to feel okay again so badly #all I want in the world is to make art and experience art and music and movies and live a little life with my partner in some place nice #I’m scared I’ll never feel okay enough to have that and I’m scared the world won’t ever feel safe enough again to have that #I just keep telling myself something has to change and trying to believe it so hard #if I make it through this pandemic with any semblance of health and stability I will be happy #I don’t even want to think about how much trauma the pandemic has given me and will continue to give me #I grieve everyday for the world that could’ve been and the person I will never get the chance to be because of this pandemic #my health anxiety has skyrocketed in the past four years and just keeps getting worse #I can’t hear people coughing or sneezing or sniffling without panicking for a few seconds every time #I already had emetophobia before 2020 but now I have the same panicked feeling from anyone exhibiting any signs of illness #it’s exhausting T-T everything is exhausting #sorry for vent-ish post on main ik it’s not very professional but whatever this is my blog #covid tw

[moonscape]

one of these days im gonna end up cutting my mom off completely

#her ''guidance'' feels less like that and more like control #and anytime i try to tell her this she plays the victim like im being so mean to her for no reason #or worse says im just acting up because of my mental illness #i don't get a choice regarding anything in my life. not even the place i live in #she's actively making me miserable and she KNOWS that the way she acts will push me away. she's admitted it herself #i think she's super pushy and controlling with me because she's afraid i'll cut her off like my sister did #she's proving her own fucking point #dl

[galaxywhump]

going through it, venting in the tags

#idk the last few weeks have been so rough #i recognize it's mostly the shitty weather and general gloom making my depression worse #but that doesn't make it suck any less #it's been this constant onslaught of negative emotions #and even more negative thoughts #including very drastic ones #i'm behind on a lot of things but i can barely motivate myself to do anything at all #and i'm yelling here cause i don't have irl support and bottling all that up is horrible #so i don't know. if anyone has any advice or something that would be wonderful #but i'm not really expecting or demanding that #just needed to get it out #so thanks for sticking around #today's been a day filled with full-on sobbing and randomly tearing up #i'm gonna have one hell of a headache tomorrow #anyway #marti vents #venting #suicidal thoughts tw #just to be safe #mental illness tag