#my brain and creativity are just drained beyond belief

[ohraicodoll]

Hope you're doing lovely ♥️

Thank you 🖤

I’m sorry I’ve been absent and basically disappeared. Turns out starting your own business is really fucking hard! I’ve cried so often, had multiple breakdowns, have had to have so many hard conversations, got Covid 🫠, ran so many big events back to back, and opened the first part of the business last week.

I also thought I was having a heart attack but turns out it was just stress so that was fun. Things are still crazy and I miss writing and having time to make stuff so I can breathe. Dreams are hard once you’ve got them. My mental health has been beyond the toilet, probably the worst it’s been in years. So I’m taking required days off. I’m back to tattooing. I’m trying to get myself together.

Full time artist life is hard and I just hope things even out soon.

#anon asks #personal #I’m still here reading stuff #my brain and creativity are just drained beyond belief

[hbelcherarts246-01]

Process & Reflection (Week 1)

Process

Our first project was the letter spacing project, which entailed kerning letters by hand. It was quite a challenge for me. I have an essential tremor, meaning parts of my body (usually my hands and arms) shake uncontrollably, and it’s most noticeable and frustrating when I try to use fine motor skills.

I didn’t struggle too much with the straight lines, because rulers are pretty easy for me to use. The issues started after I’d finished all of the straight lines, because that meant it was time to draw the curved parts of the letters. Since I didn’t have any French curves at home, I went shopping to try and find some. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find them in the stores that were within walking distance of my apartment (I don’t have a car), so I had to wait until Thursday’s class to borrow some.

I wasn’t expecting them to be so difficult to use; I thought they’d be akin to a ruler, where you just hold it in place and start drawing. Instead, I had to continually move, rotate, and make minute adjustments to position them just right along the letters’ curves. My hands kept shaking as I was doing it, which meant I spent what felt like an eternity aligning the curves, knocking it out of position, and then trying to realign it. Even after I managed to line them up, I’d knock it out of place again as I tried to hold it down and draw along it.

When 4:30pm rolled around, I was out of time and still not at all finished. I submitted what I’d call a “hot mess”, which you can view in the image below. I’m not proud of the work I did in this project, if I’m being honest.

Reflection

This episode of the 99U podcast probably struck a chord with many teenagers and young adults (whether they work in creative fields or not); I know it did for me. I picked this episode “Tony Schwartz: The Myths of the Overworked Creative” because the speaker addresses an issue that I am presently dealing with and will likely continue dealing with until I retire (at whichever age that may be, 65 or 90). That issue is exhaustion and burnout from being consistently overworked for a long period of time.

Like Schwartz says, I once thought my energy could be “infinite”, and for a while, it seemed it was. Up until sophomore year of high school, I was a straight-A student. I was more than capable of balancing school with my job while still leaving time for some basic self-care and creative projects. I had a good social life and I maintained a healthy sleep schedule. I was tired most of the time, but I was always told it was normal; feeling tired is just part of adult life. I thought it was normal and that I was fine right up until I realized it wasn’t normal, and I wasn’t fine. Making it through high school and keeping my job became the only things that mattered to me in life, and after a while, I couldn’t even handle those things. I lost sleep, friends, hobbies, and my belief that “life will get better”.

I know now it’s because I spread myself too thin, continuously pushed myself beyond my limits, and demanded perfection and productivity from myself, always. Now, 4 years later, I’m still dealing with the mental and physical health issues that were created and/or exacerbated by that initial burnout. I’ve become moderately agoraphobic, I’m an insomniac, I struggle with basic tasks, and my “creative brain” is empty.

Schwartz says humans need to “pause”, or renew, their energy after a period of “pulsing”, or expending, energy. I just haven’t had time to “pause”, I have to keep “pulsing” if I want to graduate on time, get a job, or simply survive. Unfortunately, given that I live in the economic and political fiasco that is America, I doubt I’ll ever have a moments rest again. The current economic trends show that my generation as a whole isn’t going to be able to retire or receive social security.

All that is to say, I wholeheartedly agree with Schwartz’s points about the current work model being physically and emotionally draining and harmful. Life shouldn’t be this stressful, and like Schwartz says, it’s not natural or healthy for humans to live and work like we currently do. The myths he debunks in the episode have been drilled into our heads so often that they’ve become widely accepted as “just how life works”. The perpetuation of these myths is driven by corporate greed, they serves only those in power, and they’re killing us, physically and psychologically.

Schwartz says we need to align our working style and work-life-sleep balance with our natural rhythms, and I agree. However, I seriously doubt it’ll ever happen, at least, not in my lifetime. It would require those in power to give up their massive wealth and influence, and they’ve proven themselves, again and again, to be too greedy, selfish, and out-of-touch to care about (or at the very least, not exploit and kill) their fellow human beings.

[nookishposts]

Managing Messages

It would appear that there is a sea change going on in my brain. Self-reflection seems to be a mid-life given and I believe that has ramped up for many of us during restricted pandemic conditions. Once we tired of bread making and Netflix binges and being unable to wear anything but buffet pants, many of us got contemplative; involuntary monks in retreats that needed dusting.

As a storyteller I listen a lot and try to see the funny in the foibles and fairy-tales of everyday living. We tell ourselves whatever we need to in order to get from place to place,between frustrations and surprises, for better or worse. Case in point : “I will eat this last cookie, in addition to the two I just had, because it would be silly to put the bag back in the cupboard with just one cookie left.” Please tell me it’s not just me....

Rules of comportment have changed a lot in the last year and we have been more often confronted with the quirks of our own company.  We examine the world through a lens of a necessarily more domestic perspective, noticing the dust dinosaurs under the bookshelf from our horizontal couch-lolling, seeing the cobwebs near the ceiling, remembering that we’d promised to freshen the cupboards with a coat of paint, and scrolling, scrolling, scrolling the hours away.

There are things I promised myself last November that I would spend the Winter doing; among them squats my own personal elephant-in-the-living-room; the actual work of assembling/organising some of my writing for publication. I have promised myself this every Autumn for the last 4 years, maybe more. Not following up has absolutely nothing to do with the pandemic and everything to do with the mixed messages in my early brain-wiring that I have managed until now to avoid reconciling. No, I am not blaming my parents for my failures; but I am finally acknowledging that they inadvertently gave me a puzzlement of fears to figure my way through. Analysis paralysis. That particular writing assignment is way overdue. I guess I have to start somewhere. 

My parents, both born pre-Depression grew up in financial poverty, in families that strove to keep them fed and sheltered rather than striving for the sake of striving itself. Neither finished school because it was just not a priority next to taking on some responsibility for keeping the families basic needs of living met. They were taught to keep their heads down and noses-to-the-grindstone, to never think of aspiring beyond their “station” in life or if they did, to keep it to themselves. Which I think they did. I don’t recall either of them ever talking about having dreams for themselves except in the most self-deprecating or pipe-dreaming kind of manner, as if dreams were to be sloughed off, abandoned to the past, along with childhood.

So I grew up the eldest child of two very hard-working people whose attitudes combined in a united defensive front against those they’d been taught to believe were their “betters”; people like academics, doctors, and politicians. People of means, likely inherited. People of power and influence, genetically programmed to screw the little guy. Seriously. 

I was a dreamer from the get-go. I had a hearty imagination fuelled by a belief in magic and a natural disinclination to follow the rules, a deeply curious little kid who had a knack for remembering and a sense of wonder at the world itself. My parents, like most of their generation were more concerned that I be prepared for harsh reality than for questioning the status quo. I too was to work hard, keep my head down, and not entertain any real ambition for fear of life beating it out of me. They both knew how to laugh and were not without creativity, but all of it was directed and drained off in matters of pure practicality. 

Mixed messages have dogged me ever since, though I have long been of an age where I know it is my responsibility to  unravel things for myself. Distilled, the messages that I carry are as follows: from Dad it was “who the hell do you think you are with your book-learning and big words? You think you are better than us? The hell you are!” And from Mum it was: “Well, good for you, but don’t get used to success because it doesn’t ever last.”  Both attitudes came from fear, his from being usurped or found wanting and hers from being afraid of serial disappointment. Translated in my brain, those echoing, looping messages have kept me from believing it is okay to just take a grand leap of faith in myself. Good lord, what if I fail and embarrass us all?! The child in my brain wrestles with the adult who logically knows there are no guarantees either way, but that to do nothing is also futile.

I am a storyteller. My maternal grandparents were too. I read from a very young age and made up my own stories, even inventing a couple of imaginary friends to take along on my adventures. In school, I loved to read and write and went through systematic progressive phases of writing poetry and one-act plays and folk songs and short fiction. As an adult, I have written as therapy, for myself and for others of my generation who can relate to the things we all go through but I am willing to write and often laugh about. Writing is confession, and community, and collective consciousness. For me it’s most often spontaneous, off-the-cuff riffs about flushed car keys and public prat falls. Stories are how I make sense of the World, as well as the world of possibility. I write, I send it out like a flimsy paper airplane and hope it doesn’t crash too soon.

This past Winter I was all set to organise the many musings that I have blurted out on Facebook, in my blog, as a result of writing groups and workshops and the encouragement of kind readers. I wanted to prepare for publication a collection of mostly lighthearted observational spit-takes and rim-shots. But I didn’t do it. Every time I sat down, I would find a distraction to wander towards instead of the focus I needed to cobble my pieces (literal and figurative) together.  I have watched friends publish works over the past two years and been so very proud and thrilled for them, admiring of and inspired by what they have done. Yet, I seem paralyzed in my own attempts.  They tell me this is quite normal, this abject terror of imposter-ing, of discovering that I am just not any good at what I love so much that it is a significant part of my identity and therefore too personal to withstand the possibility of repeated wounds of rejection.

Possibility. It’s a double-edged sword  of a word if ever there was one. We could fall. Or we could fly. The net between the two is full of holes.

I hear the words again; “who do you think you are?” and “don’t get used to it” and they stop me in my tracks, they burst the shiny pink bubble of joy that comes with delicious combinations of sounds and ideas, and I drop to the ground in a heap, feeling simply foolish, embarrassed to be caught dreaming. But I am a big girl, and I know full well that the real joy is in the doing, and the real fear is in the letting go...in sending those bubbles of joyous play and pondering out to fend for themselves in a world where most are shot out of the sky with a sharp stone from the slingshot of publishers simply trying to dig through a constant avalanche of submissions to find their own diamond..a money-maker that will keep the rent paid and the doors open. It’s really  just a different degree of striving isn’t it?

I don’t ever expect to make much money from writing, although between copy-writing and biographies, I do make some. I would like to find the guts to write one really good book made up of many quirky little parts, something that other people could enjoy and relate to. (Yes,I’d settle for a bathroom book.)The very best part for me about telling a story are the stories that other people tell in response..that lovely, luscious, leveller of hearing “me too!” makes me feel like I’ve accurately described our human-ness. It’s that thing connects us all.

I’ve read lots advice from writers I admire...all the bits about getting my ass into a chair and just DOING it, letting a good editor chip the mud away from the motherlode, and suspending self-criticism in deference to those people paid to do it as their part of the journey toward publication. I have researched the publishers who accept the kind of work I think I write (that definition is hard!) and I have several versions of my elevator-pitch all ready to go. I have a ton of material to be shaped, and another ton in my head yet to be written down. What I am currently working on, the linchpin to all the rest, is courage. And perhaps a refresh button on my discipline. I really want to do this in spite of and perhaps to some degree, because of those old worn thin mixed messages. Wish me well.

[vincent-frankenstein]

Oooo!! Could you do "I think our house is haunted" with any (or all?) of the sides?

YOU BET YOUR SKELETON I CAN

(i had so much fun writing this that im probably going to write a part two so dont get too stressed over the cliffhanger, there’ll be more in 10-12 business months when i can wrangle my creativity long enough to focus on this again)

Title: Touch-Tone Telephone (Disbelieving, That’s The Real Crime) 

Summary: Roman’s apartment is haunted.

He knows there’s something sinister in their house, something deep and dark and dreadful, and he knows he can stop it, if only his roommates would help. If only they believed him.

But his search for proof brings him face-to-face with something more horrifying than he’d ever expected. Can he survive, faced with the specter of the brother he never knew?

Warnings: ghosts, disturbing imagery (but only for one sentence near the end), knives, sleep paralysis, generally just Spooky Vibes™ also sympathetic deceit and unsympathetic remus

Gen Taglist (ask to be added or removed!): @joygaytrash @ruh-roh-emer-has-an-account @aliferous-ly @im-crunchie @triton-bear @emiisanidiot @jemthebookworm

It was a cold October evening when Roman gathered his roommates in the living room for one of those fam-ILY meetings Patton seemed so fond of. He sat atop his “throne” — a worn crimson armchair he’d had for years — and crossed his hands in his lap, his face set and solemn. His roommates shifted where they sat — some uncomfortably, worriedly, others just confused.

“I assume you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here,” Roman said, with the grim air of someone about to impart life-changing news.

Cecil rolled his eyes, sarcasm burning on his tongue. “No, no, Roman,” he simpered, his voice slow and insincere. “Whatever gave you that idea?”

Virgil elbowed him in the side, and Cecil abandoned his sarcasm in favor of wheezing in pain.

“Cecil, this is serious,” Roman said seriously. “What I’m about to tell you will change our lives forever. It may even ruin them.”

“Oh gosh, are you —” Patton cut off with a gasp of horror, his hand flying to his mouth. “Are you sick? Are you hurt?”

Virgil’s face grew pale. Or, well, paler than usual, which was a significant feat, because Roman hadn’t thought that was possible. “Princey, I swear to fu —”

“Language,” Cecil and Logan said in unison, the former reaching to cover Patton’s innocent ears. Virgil growled.

“I swear to Gerard Way, if you die on us —”

“No!” Roman cried, holding up his hands. “I’m not sick!”

“Then what is going on?” Logan asked, sitting forward. “This needless drama is only causing Virgil and Patton unnecessary stress.”

“’Needless’? ‘Unnecessary’?” Roman gasped with over-dramatic offense, an over-dramatic hand pressed against his chest in shock. “Au contraire, ye of little faith. I come bearing news of the most heinous caliber. News that could shock each of you to your very cores, news that —”

“Oh for the love of — spit it out already!” Cecil growled, slamming his hand down on the arm of the couch and making Patton jump.

Roman leaned forward, allowing just enough time to pass, just enough stress to up the shock-value. “I think our house is haunted.”

His words had the exact effect he’d hoped for: profound, reverent silence. Logan sat back, his face set in a serious scowl as he pondered Roman’s words. Virgil and Cecil shared a look, both faces set as stone. Patton leaned forward, his eyebrows furrowing. Roman basked in their shared awe, pride blooming in his chest despite the grim nature of their situation.

Logan snorted, and the moment shattered. Virgil and Cecil both burst out laughing, clutching their stomachs with twin looks of glee. Patton was the only one who didn’t laugh, though the corners of his mouth twitched.

Roman scoffed. “What, might I ask, is so funny? I’m being serious!”

“Mhm,” Logan hummed, raising an eyebrow. “And what exactly is it that makes you believe our house is haunted?”

“I’ve been hearing noises, every night, after everyone’s gone to bed. Footsteps, doors opening and closing, muffled, moaning voices. There’s a shadowy figure that has passed my bedroom door several times, bringing with it a feeling of utter dread.”

Cecil rolled his eyes. “That’s just Virgil,” he said, earning another elbow in the side that left him wheezing all over again.

“No!” Roman cried. “It absolutely is not Virgil! It’s all hunched and baggy and strange, like — like some sort of ghoul.”

Virgil shrugged. “As much as I’d love to live in a haunted house — and as much as I hate agreeing with Cecil — he’s probably right. I go downstairs for midnight snacks all the time.”

“At five in the morning?”

Virgil shrugged again.

“No,” Roman insisted. “I don’t buy it. There’s something — something bad in this house.”

“There are five people in this household,” Logan countered. “How do you explain the fact that none of us have ever seen it?”

“I-I don’t know! Maybe it’s only showing itself to me?” Roman shook his head, scowling. “I should’ve known you wouldn’t believe me. You wouldn’t believe in ghosts if there was one right in front of you.”

“Falsehood,” Logan said. “Given proper evidence of such a thing, I would have no choice but to believe. However, you have provided no evidence beyond your own experiences, which, while strange, can be easily explained.”

“’Easily explained’? How? And don’t tell me it’s Virgil.”

“It could be any one of us,” Logan said, “including Virgil. You cannot expect a household of five to remain perfectly silent throughout the night. The fact that you hear footsteps and doors opening and closing means nothing, and the shadowy figure is most likely one of us passing by your door on the way to the bathroom.”

“And the feeling of dread?” Roman asked, eyes narrowed. “It’s the most awful feeling in the world. It sits on my chest and it’s so heavy I can barely breathe. Unless one of you is capable of doing that —”

“Like I said, that’s just Virgil,” Cecil said, the corner of his mouth quirking up into a smirk. “Feelings of dread are his specialty.”

Virgil readied his elbow, and Cecil reached behind himself and snatched up a pillow, whacking Virgil across the face. With a feral growl, Virgil lunged, and the two rolled off the couch and onto the floor, pillows flying, laughter laced beneath their mocking voices.

“Hey, c’mon,” Patton said, holding the table steady as the two roughhoused beneath it. Cecil kicked Virgil into the table, and Patton’s glass of hot cocoa nearly toppled. “Hey!”

“Enough,” Logan said, eyes narrowed. When the two didn’t listen, he stood, and Roman and Patton both covered their ears. “Enough!” he yelled, at a volume loud enough to rival an airplane taking off, and the two leaped apart. Logan sat back down, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“Roman, what you are experiencing is purely psychological,” he said, once again the epitome of calm. Virgil rubbed at his ears, shoulders hunched. “Shadowy figures, a feeling of dread, and a weight on your chest can all be explained by sleep paralysis, which is —”

“I know what sleep paralysis is!” Roman said. “It absolutely was not that. I hadn’t even fallen asleep yet! And I could move.”

“Alright,” Logan said, nodding, “then it is just your mind playing tricks on you. Halloween is a handful of days away. Tell me, how many horror movies have you seen so far this month?”

Roman glared at the floor. “… Quite a few,” he admitted.

“Right. And how many horror festivals have you been to?”

“Three.”

“Mhm.” Logan readjusted his glasses, his eyes glittering smugly. “You see one of us pass your doorway, and, believing us to be some creature of supernatural origin, you begin to panic. However, you’ve mistaken that panic for a ghostly feeling of dread brought on by some malevolent outside force. The amount of horror you’ve consumed in the past few weeks has primed your brain for a haunting. You’re jumping to conclusions.”

“I am not!” Roman insisted. “I know what a panic attack feels like, Logan. This isn’t it. Something’s wrong, and — and I’ll prove it to you!”

“How?”

Roman stood. “You’ll see. I’ll get proof, and I’ll make you all believe.”

“Aw, I believe you, kiddo!” Patton said, his smile wide and earnest. Roman managed a smile back.

“Thanks, padre,” he said. Patton’s support, while appreciated, didn’t do much to lessen the righteous fury he felt at Logan’s dismissal. It was like a participation trophy — always there, whether you were right or not. He wanted first place, the golden medallion of Logan’s belief — and he was going to get it.

“Good luck, Dib No-Brain,” Virgil said, offering a sarcastic thumbs up. “Now that that’s outta the way, next order of business: who the fu —”

“Language.”

“— heck has been stealing my eyeshadow?”

Roman tuned out the conversation — which was boring, and overly predictable, really. He already knew who had stolen Virgil’s eyeshadow, but he’d never confess. It looked so much better on him. Besides, he had more important things to think about.

He knew he was right. Logan’s explanations made sense — of course they did, everything that asshole said made sense — but he couldn’t explain away the awful feeling Roman had. It wasn’t a panic attack, or sleep paralysis. It was something darker, colder than any of them could fathom, and it seemed he alone had to shoulder the weight.

Night fell, and Roman prepared for battle. With a camera as his shield and a vial of holy water — a gift from his cousin, Remy, who was as superstitious as he was sassy — as his sword, he sat on the edge of his bed and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

The house was silent. Not a floorboard creaked, not a door moved, not a creature stirred. He’d drained his 12-hour supply of coffee roughly three hours in, and now his head nodded down towards his chest, eyes fluttering, sleep chasing away the last dregs of caffeine in his bloodstream.

What a waste of time. Logan was right — he was always right, really, could he be any more insufferable? There weren’t any ghosts; their house wasn’t haunted. Roman dragged a hand across his face, a heavy sigh falling from his lips. He was wrong again, too imaginative, too overdramatic, too —

Footsteps. There were footsteps in the hallway. There were footsteps in the hallway and by the time Roman stopped fumbling with his camera and managed to lift it, the shadowy figure had appeared, a baggy mass of darkness that stopped in his doorway and —

And laughed?

Wait. He knew that laugh. A small snort, stifled behind a hand, as if the act of laughing alone was enough to indict him as a human being and therefore must be hidden at all costs. “Don’t tell me you’ve been awake this entire time, Roman,” Logan said, stepping into the room with a thick blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

“It was you,” Roman said lowly, his voice thick with ultimate betrayal. “This whole time! It was you!”

Logan readjusted his glasses. “Well, not entirely,” he said. “I’m sure Virgil contributed to your hypothesis at some point, he tends to wander the house during the night. However, I wasn’t doing this intentionally to scare you.”

“Bullshit,” Roman scoffed. “Why didn’t you say anything? I’ve been up all night!”

“I did say something, Roman. I told you that your ‘shadowy figure’ was merely one of us passing your doorway. I could have reiterated, but…” The ghost of a smirk passed his face. “I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to see you like this.”

Roman promptly threw his pillow at Logan’s face. Logan dodged. What an asshole.

“So is that the only reason you came down here? To see me suffer?” Roman placed a hand against his chest, shaking his head. “I never thought you capable of such cruelty. I guess I’m just wrong about everything these days!”

Logan raised an eyebrow. “You are not the only reason I came down,” he said, “and you’re not wrong about everything. Just several, inconsequential things.”

“Thanks,” Roman deadpanned. “Why did you come down, then?”

“For Crofters.”

“Oh. Of course.” Roman grabbed his pillow from the floor and set his camera on his bedside table, rolling his eyes. “Go ahead. Leave me to my shame. Enjoy your jelly.”

He flopped down on his side, hugging the pillow to his chest, and heaved a long, pitiful sigh. Logan hesitated in the doorway, closing his eyes and breathing in for a long three seconds. “Roman,” he said. “Would you… perhaps, care to join me?”

Wow. Sure, Roman had been angling for Logan to offer, but he hadn’t expected the nerd to actually do it. His guilt-trips only ever worked on Patton, and occasionally Virgil, once in a blue moon and every other holiday. First time for everything, he supposed.

“I. Uh. Sure?” He stood, still holding his pillow to his chest. “Only if I get the last of the concord jelly.”

Logan shot him a look. “Absolutely not. Die.”

Roman collapsed against the wall, clutching his chest, head lolling, eyes rolling back into his head. “Agh! Sweet embrace of death, come so soon to gather me into Her arms! How could this beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~”

He dropped to the floor, onto his hands and knees, and fell sideways, a heap of limp limbs. When he was sure his performance was enough, he released his final breath. Logan blinked down at him, unimpressed, and kicked him in the side as he passed.

“Fine!” Roman called after him. “You’re not invited to my funeral!”

Logan flipped him off without even looking back. What an asshole.

Roman shoved himself to his feet and scrambled after him, mind set. He was going to get that jelly before Logan could even blink, and he wasn’t going to share a single drop of it. That’d teach him to ignore Roman’s acting gold.

He slid past Logan and rushed into the kitchen, not realizing that Logan had stopped in the doorway, not noticing the dread that settled deep in his bones until he slid to a hasty stop, a sharp gasp flying from his lips.

“Oh,” he squeaked. His heart attempted gymnastics in his chest and only succeeded in lodging in his throat, choking away every attempt at a response Roman could possibly give.

There was a knife.

Floating in midair.

There was a knife floating in midair and really, a sight like that should have sent him running, but there was a knife floating in midair and it wasn’t supposed to do that and simply the shock alone was enough to lock his legs in place. He glanced around; surely there were strings, somewhere. Surely the others were pranking him. Surely —

The knife was moving.

“Logan,” he managed, in a voice several dozen octaves higher than usual. “Logan, please tell me you’re seeing this, please —”

“I —” Logan tried to speak several times. His voice failed, words cutting out again and again. “I — Yes. That’s — mhm. Yep.”

The knife was floating away from them, thank god, and Roman couldn’t help but watch, mesmerized. “What do we do?” he hissed, and he could practically feel Logan struggling to find an answer. He was speechless — the great Logan Sanders, king of Being Insufferable, had been stricken speechless, and Roman didn’t even have the time to enjoy it. “Do… Do we call an exorcist?”

And wow was that the wrong thing to say, because the haunted-demon-ghost-knife heard him, and it whipped around in midair — and suddenly a figure appeared around it, and Roman collapsed backward, wheezing, the weight on his chest so suddenly heavy that he couldn’t draw a single breath. Logan looped his arms through Roman’s and held tight, his own breathing sharp and erratic.

The figure — tall, horrible, green, a rotting face, the barest wisps of a mustache above a skeletal smile, and eyes that Roman recognized, eyes that had stared him down in the mirror every day since he’d been born, his eyes, the ghost had his eyes — grinned, raising the knife. Roman couldn’t breathe.

“Boo.”

#sanders sides #roman sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #deceit sanders #remus sanders #ts deceit #sympathetic deceit #ts remus #unsympathetic remus #(for now ;3c) #basically this au is like. the sides are all a Found Fambly living in the same apt #a bunch of dumbasses platonically in love who may or may not have a ghost join their littol family sometime in the future :3c #celeste's portfolio #ts-touch-tone-telephone au #Anonymous

[empaths-hsp]

The Link Between Highly Sensitive People and Chronic Fatigue

HSPs tend to do more mental work than others — one of the key causes of chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS).

Chronic fatigue is one way that our body expresses what we’ve been unable to. As a highly sensitive person (HSP) — someone who feels deeply and easily gets overwhelmed — I tried to push past these traits for years. I pretended to be less affected by time pressure, (emotionally) stressful situations and loud, crowded environments than I was. I simply adapted while doing my best to not expose how rattled or upset such circumstances actually made me feel.

I didn’t realize it, but pushing myself to be something I wasn’t, forced my body to speak up. Thanks to the demands I put on it, my energy levels began plummeting drastically, and I experienced different symptoms, including weight loss and brain fog. 

At first, I thought it was because my digestive system was out of whack, but blood tests didn’t show anything wrong, and the changes I made to my diet seemed to help only a bit. But I couldn’t shake feeling totally wiped out, and that level of exhaustion often came with muscle aches, poor sleep, and even feeling as though I was coming down with the flu. 

The Road to Chronic Fatigue

I decided to visit the doctor’s office to see what was going on, and it was unsettling. The doctor was new at the clinic — a peculiar old guy with a dry sense of humor. Initially, he didn’t show much empathy, exclaiming, “Well, there certainly isn’t much meat-juice left in you!” Despite his demeanor, though, he actually said a few spot-on things. I thought my thyroid might be overactive — the symptoms seemed to match — but he brought up another possibility: chronic fatigue. 

“We won’t take any more blood tests since it’ll only repeat your feeling of not being seen,” the doctor wisely said, sharing insights gained from a lifetime of experience. “Focus on building yourself back up again.” His secretary, who afterward kindly comforted me, stated that “I looked like something the cat had dragged in.” And while I could’ve taken offense at her words, it felt more like a breath of relief. Finally, someone was taking my anguish seriously and acknowledging how sick I felt! 

The Connection Between Sensitivity and Fatigue

HSPs, like introverts, tend to reflect deeply on the world around them, and do lots of ”inner labor” that remains invisible to those around them, and therefore isn’t considered valuable. 

We’re constantly trying to adapt to a pace not aligned with our natural tendencies — and a value system that prizes achievements and accomplishments rather than internal developments — all of which takes a toll on us, as many HSPs can attest. Whether it is habitually tightening our muscles to keep ourselves together or clenching our jaws to ”power through” something, our bodies take the hit.

Too much and our bodies will start speaking up, as mine did. Chronic fatigue doesn’t have a known cause (though depression and overwork are associated with it) and rest won’t make it go away. But I believe that several high-stress incidents — like taking on limiting familial beliefs, or unwittingly absorbing and feeling trapped in loved ones’ crises and stresses — impacted me as a highly sensitive person, and by ignoring them or trying to respond in a way that wasn’t true to my sensitivity, I developed the condition. 

Repressed anger played a role as well for me. Anger can be a scary emotion and HSPs are often softhearted empaths who struggle with expressing it constructively, if at all. Unfortunately, we tend to suppress it or turn it towards ourselves in destructive ways, all to our detriment. Instead, we could use this vital life-force energy for healthy boundary setting, especially for shielding our sensitivity and for building a sense of personal power and agency. 

I have a suspicion that my illness is linked with forcefully pushing myself in an attempt to live up to the norms and ideals of society. On top of absorbing emotions and repressing anger, I come from a place inhabited by mostly practical-minded people with a traditional work ethic. Beyond a certain age, they frown upon behavior that seems lazy (because it’s not as productive as they think it should be), so being a deep-processing, quietly-observing, and emotionally-responsive person isn’t always understood or appreciated, let alone celebrated. 

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Recovering from Fatigue as a Highly Sensitive Person

My recovery hasn’t been easy. I still feel physically sick if I go into negative thought loops. And I don’t seem to be able to cope with pressure, from outside or inside. Recovery almost resembles taking care of an infant. 

I suppose I must accept it and learn how to become a responsible, loving caretaker of my physical, mental, and emotional needs by giving my body sufficient rest, plenty and proper nourishment, and living as free from stress as possible. To use mere willpower to make my body do something or push myself doesn’t work. I can’t do it anymore.

I have to be in tune with my needs and make appropriate decisions, moment by moment, based on my body’s signals. If I don’t, I reap painful consequences almost immediately. My body is a strict teacher, speaking in capital letters if I don’t treat it exactly how it needs, now. 

Channeling My Experience into a Creative Project

My exhaustion took a very serious toll on my body. But it had one upside: it made me put pen to paper. I felt an acute urge to express myself, to explore inner workings and themes. 

Last year, I wrote a novel titled What’s the Matter with Maria? It’s a tender tale about a sensitive and introverted little girl, Maria. And although my book is fictitious, it‘s inspired by my personal experience pushing myself to adapt to the kinds of outer demands which often produce some degree of internal agony.  

Thinking about the inspiration for the book takes me back to that taxing time when I first fell ill. The memory is palpable — I can’t help recalling how awful I felt both physically and emotionally. I know my little protagonist Maria’s anxious alertness well, her feeling of not being enough, falling short, and that her highly sensitive traits are wrong or inferior.

My wish for all highly sensitive people — both children and adults — is that they understand and respect the language of their finely-sensing bodies from an early age. A proper education in how best to preserve, protect, and nourish our precious energy is crucial to prevent steady energy drains and leaks. With its advanced capacity for sensing subtleties and fine distinction, let your highly sensitive body be your primary guide in life — allow it to be your personal compass.

Please don’t ignore or downplay the symptoms and sensations your body so generously provides. Even if nobody else seems to understand or see good reason for them, the warnings will turn up the volume to catch your attention. Instead, honor your innate sensitivity by being responsible, which means being responsive and making every adjustment to maintaining your health that you possibly can. After all, you are the only one who knows exactly how you feel. 

You might like:

For HSPs, Compassion Fatigue is Too Real

How to Stop Feeling Exhausted All the Time as a Highly Sensitive Person

13 Problems Only Highly Sensitive People Will Understand

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#Empaths #Introverts #Highly Sensitive People #Tips

[mittensmorgul]

Re: "the shattering of their very concept of free will, the purpose of their entire lives" -- did we get foreshadowing of this in 13.16? Maybe soon we'll see Dean bangiing his head on a tree, growling, "We've been stopping vampires and demons when we could've been hunting God? Are you kidding me? My life is meaningless!"

omg I was like... wait did I write that? I found the reply I typed up yesterday where I wrote that, though, so apparently I did :’D

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/188284521260/i-kinda-feel-like-the-deancas-tension-in-the

(in my defense, I spent the next 6 hours afterward or so making the transcript of the episode, so now my brain has been squished dry and is back to WHAT R WERDS?! mode again, having been drained of all coherency) :D

BUT OMG that’s a WONDERFUL observation! I mean, Scoobynatural was the sort of in-universe wall-break I think a lot of us would LOVE to get. I know I would personally love to travel to the SPN universe and sit each of them down and tell them a few things, you know? I mean, I literally wrote 143k words of fic about it after s10. Obviously a lot has changed since then, but the main point of it stands, and was the foundation concept of Scoobynatural, too.

If you could go into a fictional world and interact with your favorite characters, what would you tell them? How would they react? How would YOU react in THEIR world? (and the first part of that fic is how would THEY react in YOURS, too)

I think we did get a bit of Dean metaphorically banging his head on a tree over feeling like his life was meaningless, with the whole maze concept:

Dean: Just when we thought we had a choice. You know, whenever we thought we had free will. We were just rats in a maze. Sure, we could go left. Sure, we could go right. But we were still in the damn maze. Just makes you think, if all of it... you know, everything that we've done... What did it even mean?

(also, high five to Last Night Me for finishing the transcript so I have something to easily quote now) :D

I think this is Dean’s version of the head-banging-on-a-tree existential crisis, since he’s not actually a cartoon character. Because just like the Scoobies, they may have questioned the greater meaning of their lives on learning about something apparently much bigger than them, but they were all MORE than happy to slide right back into their previous beliefs and understanding at the end of the episode, too. They WANTED to go back to hunting bad guys in rubber masks, because they legit DID help people that way, and the notion of fighting against something wildly more powerful had broken them. Literally and metaphorically.

It reminds me of Dean’s comment going all the way back to early days of things being “above their pay grade,” or just “this is big” when it came to things like Specky the Wonderdemon in 1.04. Remember when the question of “what happens after death” was “way beyond our pay grade?” (it was 2.16) I think they’ve leveled up to the top pay grade at this point, you know? I think Dean would gladly opt for retirement from Chuck’s regular lineup of viewing entertainment, if it didn’t mean letting the whole planet burn in the process.

But even INSIDE their own universe, Sam and Dean and Cas ARE “fictional characters.” At least, to the readers of the Supernatural novels, they are. And in their world, words like that have power, too. “Tearing up the script,” “making it up as we go,” “rewriting the ending”-- all of these things have been the core of what they’ve been about all along. I think Chuck likes to forget those features of the “characters” he “created.” He made them into what they are, by teaching them how to run his mazes and finding it interesting when they managed to escape so many times, you know? And he might be able to lay down new mazes, but he’s not as heckin’ creative as he thinks he is.

Omg, you know how I see Chuck-As-Author now? Like some punk-ass jerk who hates that some folks are able to see the end coming, hates that his characters are able to spot the escape hatch in his stories, and out of spite wrote a “twist they never saw coming” that only he knows the rules for. But it’s too late, you know? TFW... they’re the endgame everyone is rooting for. Like Metatron trying to set Cas up as the villain but ended up proving his own villainy in the process. Like Zachariah confidently arranging “lessons” for Dean only for Dean to learn the opposite lesson to the one he tried to teach. Same with Gabriel and his lessons to TFW that backfired completely.

Chuck made the mistake, at the very start, of writing Sam and Dean as the heroes. And they’re more than capable of filling those roles, even at the end when Chuck thinks he’s got a different plan for them.

If it’s not clear, I absolute ADORE this thematic aspect of the entire series. :D

*shuts up before I end up talking about this all day*

#spn 15.01 #spn 13.06 #spn s15 spoilers #spn s15 speculation #if you say 'mysterious ways' so help me i will kick your ass #shinychimera

[artificialqueens]

It could be a beginning (Rajila) - vicisonhando

A/N: So I have finally evolved from lurking around and reading all the fantastic fics on this side to writing my own. I hope you like it, feedback is always welcome and if you cheer loud enough, there might be more to come in the future.

Also a big shout out to the amazingly talented @formercongressman, who was kind enough to beta for me. This would probably be kind of a hot mess without you.

Raja glared at the half empty glass of wine in front of her. Even though the Pinot Grigio was one of the best she had had in a while, it was still not enough to lift her spirits. Her phone rested next to the glass with its dark screen facing upwards. She was tempted to reach for it again, knowing full well, that it had only been minutes since she checked it last. When the waiter across the room caught her attention, she narrowed her eyes and stared him down. Apparently he got the message since he didn’t not approach her to ask once again, if she really wouldn’t like to order something while waiting. She was sitting tucked in a booth for two in a corner away from most prying eyes in what was supposedly Manila’s favorite Italian restaurant in all of New York City. The place was elegant yet cozy, with white linen tablecloths and black and white photos of old Italian opera singers on the walls. Eros Ramazzotti was softly playing from some well-hidden speakers and the waiting staff had been nothing but polite and attentive so far. All in all, the restaurant certainly seemed like the perfect place for a first date.

There was, however, one small problem. Manila, her date, was nowhere to be found.

Raja hadn’t thought much of it when she had arrived a couple of minutes before seven and was let to an empty table. When 7:15 rolled around and Manila still hadn’t shown up, she started to get worried. She had shot the other woman a quick text asking if she had been held up, but had not gotten a reply so far. By now it was a quarter to 8 and Raja’s brain was jumping back and forth between worrying that something terrible had happened to Manila and being pissed that she had apparently been stood up. Right now the latter was what she was focusing on and she was fuming. How was this bitch going to walk into work on Monday and look her in the eye? Or maybe it was all a joke to Manila. A prank with her group of faithful Heathers designed to set her up and have a nice laugh on the expense of the new girl… That was probably it, Raja convinced herself. She could see them sitting in some bar right now, laughing at how stupid she was for falling for their joke. How readily she had agreed to the date when Manila had asked her.

Her thoughts faltered for a moment as she remembered Manila timidly knocking on her open office door on Monday morning earlier this week, wringing her hands and biting her lower lip nervously. Raja had found the behavior rather endearing and was about to ask her what was going on, when Manila looked up from the floor and said in one rushed breath: “Willyoumaybegooutonadatewithme?“

“What?“

“I’m sorry!“ she back tracked immediately “That was totally inappropriate. We work together and you are probably not even into women. Forget I even asked. I’m really sorry. I’ll just go now, before I embarrass myself even more.“ Manila’s voice was still rushed as she kept on rambling, but she was at least a bit more understandable to Raja now.

“Wait!“ Raja interjected. “Don‘t go, please. I… I would actually love to go out on date with you.“

A small smile appeared on Manila’s face at the words. “Really? Because you don’t have to. I really didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just… I really liked working with you the past couple of weeks and would love to get to know you better. It doesn’t even have to mean anything. There is this really great Italian restaurant near my place. They have amazing pasta and their Pinot Grigio is to die for. I mean, you said you like white wine, didn’t you?”

“Girl,” Raja laughed. “Relax, I already said yes.”

Manila blushed and smiled, looking away from her, pushing an unruly lock of her black hair back behind her ear. On an impulse Raja got up from where she had been sat behind her desk and walked over to Manila. Thankfully she had closed the door behind her, so Raja didn’t have to worry about any of their coworkers seeing them, as she stepped into her personal space and gently placed a finger under Manila’s chin.

Carefully lifting her face, Raja waited until the smaller woman looked up into her eyes before she spoke. “I meant what I said. I would love to go out with you. And as for that Italian place, you had me at Pinot Grigio.”

Manila laughed, her usual confidence quickly returning. “So predictable.” she teased.

Raja gasped in mock offense. Before she had time to reconsider, she leaned down and brushed her lips against Manila’s cheek in a short and sweet kiss. Pulling back and straightening up, she smiled. “How about you text me the address and I’ll meet you there at 7 this Friday? Does that work for you?”

Manila nodded in a daze. “Uhm, Friday…. Yeah, Friday is great. I’ll make reservations and text you the details. I ehm, I gotta go now.”

Raja watched as her hand came up to her cheek, while she turned and left the office. She could still feel her own lips tingling from the brief contact and the smile wouldn’t leave her face for the rest of the day.

Looking back at the interaction now, Raja had a hard time believing that it had all been a set up. But here she was, sitting alone in one of New York’s fancier restaurants on a Friday night. She drained the rest of her wine in one go - it was the second glass already - and checked her phone again. Ten to eight and still not a message from Manila in sight. Putting her phone down she waved the closest waitresses over. She was done with the pitying stares of staff and patrons alike. Settling her check, she noticed that her earlier waiter had not dared to come back, sending in a colleague for back up. She could hardly blame him. The last time he had come by to ask if she wanted to order something, she had almost bitten his head off. She smiled at her new waitress apologetically and left a generous tip. It was hardly the staffs’ fault that she had gotten stood up.

Dejectedly she ordered an uber and made her way out of the restaurant. She had really been looking forward to this evening. From the first day working at Runway, Manila had caught Raja’s eye, even though they started out on slightly rocky ground. As the new Head of the Fashion Department Raja was introduced to the team during a morning meeting and desperately tried to remember as many of her new coworkers names as possible. But only the quirky Head of the Arts Department, with her white blonde streak in her otherwise jet black hair and her obvious penchant for bright yellow colored accessories, truly stood out to her. Once the introduction was over and Raja took her seat at the table, the woman next to Manila turned to her and faux whispered: “Good luck with that one. Seems like her last job didn’t even pay enough to afford a decent hairdresser.”

Manila chuckled under her breath and Raja was fuming. While she hadn’t exactly been thrilled when she started turning gray in her early thirties, she had come to love the silvery streaks peppered throughout her black hair and she prided herself on maintaining it in excellent condition. But it was her first day and everybody of importance was gathered in that meeting, so she bit her tongue to keep a sharp retort from slipping out.

Later on she learned that the woman’s name was Delta and that together with Manila and another woman from the Art Department called Carmen they were known in the office as the Heathers.  There wasn’t a piece of gossip going around that they weren’t aware of and they had a habit of joking at the expenses of the people around them, often toeing the line between casual meanness and downright cruelty.   

But even though Raja was apprehensive of the group, once she started working with Manila more closely, she learned that the other woman had not only a wicked sense of humor and an infectious laugh, but also a sweet and gentle side to her, that only the people she actually liked got to see. Something else Raja quickly came to admire was Manila’s dedication to her job. She was full of creative energy and didn’t mind putting in extra hours to finish a project. After walking in on Manila once, absorbed by a spree of photos in front of her and completely oblivious to her surroundings, Raja made it her mission to sneak up on her as often as she could. Manila had the habit of furrowing her brows and chewing on anything that was at hand when she was concentrating and it was one of the cutest things Raja had ever seen. Luckily Manila didn’t seem to mind being snuck up on. Instead her face lit up with a bright smile whenever she noticed Raja’s presence.

Just as Raja sat down in the uber her phone lit up. Disbelieving she stared at the photo of Manila smiling happily up at her from the lock screen. That woman had some nerve. By now it was past eight and she was tempted to simply ignore the call.

Maybe if Raja had pushed away her own insecurities and considered her past interactions with Manila rationally, she would have realized how unlikely it was, that the other woman would stand her up on any volition of her own. But instead she had let her own hurt fester and so, when she answered her phone, she all but growled: “This had better be good, bitch!“

The line was quiet for moment, then there was some rustling and a quiet “ouch… fuck“

“Manila?“ she questioned.

“Yeah, I’m here….“ the voice on the other end was quiet and slightly raspy, nothing like Manila’s usual cheerful tone and Raja went from pissed beyond belief to worried in an instant.

“Are you okay?“

“No, I mean yes, I mean not really…. I am in the ER right now. I got hit by a car on my…“

“Where exactly are you? I’m coming to see you right now.” Raja interrupted her.

“What? No, you really don’t have to do that. I already ruined your night by not showing up for dinner. I don’t want to make it even worse by dragging you to some stupid ER. I just, I mean, uhm, I’m sorry for not calling earlier. I didn’t get my purse back until now and I’m just lucky my phone still works.”

Raja listened to Manila talk, smiling despite herself. If the other woman could still talk a mile a minute, chances were she wasn’t too badly hurt. Still, she had no intention of going home without having seen that Manila was safe with her own eyes. So the next time she stopped to take a breath Raja quickly interjected: “Listen, girl, you better tell me where you are right now. Because I’m coming to see you, even if I have to check every fucking ER in the whole of New York City.”

“You would really do that?”

“Bitch, try me.”

Raja could almost see the smile in Manila’s voice when she answered: “I’m at the Metropolitan hospital.” There was some noise in the background and then she said, “I have to go now. The doctor is here to check on my leg.”

“Okay, hang in there. I’ll be with you in no time.”

Raja ended the call and sank back into her seat with a sigh, her body releasing the tension she hadn’t even noticed she was holding in. Manila had not stood her up. It had all just been in her head. Suddenly Raja realized that Manila hadn’t even told her what exactly had happened or how badly she was injured. Consciously drawing in a deep breath to stop her mind from coming up with all kind of horrible scenarios she decided to focus on the task at hand. Checking her location on her phone she saw that the Metropolitan Hospital was only a couple of blocks away. She quickly told her driver the new direction and settled into her seat, trying to keep thoughts of Manila with a maimed arm or without the use of her legs out of her mind.

By the time she arrived at the hospital Raja felt slightly nauseous with worry. She made her way inside and walked up to the front desk with determination. She mentally prepared herself to tear the woman in front of her a new one should she try to deny her access to Manila. But to her surprise the nurse gave up the information of her whereabouts without a fight.

When Raja finally opened the door to Manila’s room, her heart almost stopped. Manila looked more disheveled and vulnerable than Raja had ever seen her. The first thing she noticed was the bright yellow dress. It was partly covered by a hospital duvet, but Raja could still tell that it was the kind of garment only Manila could pull of. If the situation wasn’t so grim, she would have laughed. Instead she frowned at the tears and dirt stains she could make out in several places. Next her eyes drifted to the cast on her right leg which is propped up in sling. Finally she took in Manila’s wild hair and smudged make up. Her eyes were closed and as Raja drew closer, she was able to make out tear stains and several cuts on her cheeks. Careful, as to not disturb the sleeping woman, Raja pulled a chair up to the bed. But as she sat down Manila opened her eyes and blinked slowly.

“Hey” Raja’s voice was soft as she spoke.

“You… you actually came.” Manila stared at her in disbelief.

“Of course I did, bitch. I told you I would. How are you?”

“Just peachy. Apart from the broken leg and the sprained rip and my body aching all over that is.”

“Sorry, that was a stupid question. Is there anything I can do?”

Manila shook her head and immediately winced in pain. “Not really. The painkillers are supposed to kick in soon. I’m sure I’ll be better then.”

“Okay.” Raja still looked unconvinced. She hated seeing Manila like this. She looked so small in the hospital bed. The yellow of her dress, that would normally serve to accentuate her playful personality, paired with the harsh fluorescent lightning of the room made her skin look sickeningly pale. A paleness that only set off the angry bruises that had begun to form around her eye and on her chest near the right clavicle.

“Actually,” Manila interrupted her thoughts, “There is something you could do. Can you grab me another pillow to help prop me up a bit more and maybe get me some water?”

Raja almost jumped out of her chair, relieved to have something to do beside staring at Manila’s injuries. She quickly made her way to the thankfully empty second bed in the room and grabbed the pillow on it. But once she was back at Manila’s side she was lost. How was she supposed to get the pillow behind her without hurting her anymore?

Sensing Raja’s insecurity Manila spoke up: “I can’t really sit up by myself. I tried earlier and it hurt like bitch. But my arms are mostly okay. So maybe if you come a bit closer, I can put them around your neck and you can pull me up and put the pillow behind me…” she trailed of.

“I don’t know. Are you sure it is a good idea for you to sit up if it hurts so much?” Under normal circumstances Raja would have jumped at the chance of having Manila’s hands on her body, but right now she was more worried about aggravating her injuries.

“It’s fine,” the younger woman assured her. “The nurse said I could sit up if I felt like it. She told me to ask for help if I needed any. But I’d much rather have you help me…” she looked away shyly at her admission.

Raja knew she had lost that battle then and there. How was she supposed to say no to this? So she stepped right next to the bed, put the pillow in her left hand and leaned forward over Manila. “Well, let’s give it a try then.”

Manila beamed up at her and wrapped her hands behind Raja’s neck. Her hands were a bit cold and Raja shivered when they graced the hair on the back of her neck. For a moment she imagined this is another situation. Maybe the end of an actual date and Manila’s arms would wrap around her to draw her closer. She would lean in, their faces only inches apart… Suddenly Manila cleared her throat and Raja realized she had been starring. She was impossibly grateful for her dark complexion, which made it far less likely that Manila detected the blush she was able to feel rising to her cheeks or so she hoped. Manila had interlaced her fingers and her hands rested right at the connection between Raja’s neck and her shoulders. Raja sneaked her right hand underneath Manila’s arm onto her shoulder blade.

“Ready?” she asked. When Manila nodded she slowly started to straighten up, trying to give her as much support with her right hand as she could. She noticed Manila’s face straining in pain, but before she was able to stop, Manila motioned for her to keep going. So she lifted her up a bit more and then managed to weasel the pillow between Manila’s back and the bed. Carefully she lowered Manila back down until she was comfortably resting against the pillow. It was an obvious improvement to before, since now she was almost sitting upright.

But instead of letting go of Raja it felt like Manila was actually tightening her grip. She looked up into Raja’s eyes, a small smile playing around her lips. “I’m so glad you came.”

“Like I could leave you on your on in the hospital.” Raja frowned as she watched Manila’s facial expression change. Her eyes shifted towards Raja’s lips and she worried her lower lip slightly between her teeth. Suddenly her eyes shot back up to Raja’s. Her pupils were blown and there was a slight blush on her cheeks. Raja wasn’t sure if she imagined the slight tuck of Manila’s hands at the back of her neck or if it was really there, but she couldn’t help herself.

She leaned in, closing the distance between them and stopping a mere inch away from Manila’s face. She felt the other woman’s warm breath on her face. Suddenly afraid she had misread the whole situation, she was about to pull back, when Manila closed the remaining distance between them. The first brush of lips was soft, almost tentative. Manila’s lips were chapped on Raja’s and against her usual instincts she tried to keep the contact gentle, afraid to cause the other woman anymore hurt or even discomfort. But Manila was having none of it. She wrapped her arms closer around Raja, one of her hands finding its way into Rajas salt and pepper hair tugging and pulling and truly messing up the up-do Raja had spent ages on to make it look effortlessly messy in the first place. Feeling Manila’s lips insistently against her own, her tongue licking softly against her upper lip, Raja finally gave in and let her take the lead. She opened her mouth slightly and Manila welcomed the opportunity to explore. Raja sighed into the kiss, one hand coming up to cradle Manila’s face gently. She wanted to pull her close and push her back into the bed at the same time, wanted to kiss and touch her all over while never breaking the connection between their lips at the same time.

Knowing that she couldn’t give into her desperate need right now, she pulled back reluctantly. Manila let out a needy whimper and tried to chase Raja’s lips with her own. Her eyes opened and her pupils appeared almost black. It took all of Raja’s will power to keep from moving back in. Only the thought of hurting Manila in her already fragile state gave her the strength to fully disentangle herself from their embrace.

Instead she sat down on the edge of the bed. The room was quiet and Raja was acutely aware of her heart beating furiously in her chest, almost convinced Manila was able to hear it. Uncharacteristically unsure of what to do next she watched Manila, who met her gaze but didn’t speak.

The silence started to become unbearable and Raja decided to break it with a soft “So…”

“I–” Manila began at the same time. They stopped and grinned at each other. “You go first.”

“No, you go first.” Raja refused.

But Manila shook her head and repeated, “No, you go first.”

And just like that it turned in a game of “No, you,” both of them trying desperately to keep a straight face, until Raja couldn’t help herself anymore. She let out a deep belly laugh. Manila was quick to join her and she was glad that they are back to their usual relaxed if slightly silly dynamic. However the relief was short lived, because almost as soon as Manila started to laugh she stopped again, clutching her side and letting out a string of curse words that Raja had never heard her use before. Worriedly, she tried to figure out what she could do to help.

She wondered if she should call a nurse, when she noticed that Manila had stopped swearing and was  watching her instead. She lifted her hand from where she had been clutching her side and grabbed Raja’s, interlacing their fingers. “Hey, don’t look so terrified, Raj. I’m okay. Laughing just isn’t the best idea at the moment, I guess.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, the doctor said I was lucky. Apparently it could have been way worse. I mean my leg is obviously broken, and my ribs hurt like hell when I move the wrong way, or laugh apparently. But other than that, I’m mostly okay. They checked me for internal bleeding and while the doctor wants to keep me overnight to be on the safe side, she said it doesn’t look like I have a concussion.” While talking, Manila kept gently rubbing her thumb over the back of Raja’s hand.

Taking in the cuts and bruises on her face and chest, Raja wasn’t able to shake the feeling that she was downplaying her injuries to sooth her worries. And while it wasn’t quite working – Raja thought she probably wouldn’t stop worrying until Manila was up and about again – she decided to let her get away with it for now though and focused on something else. “So what exactly happened to you? You never said how you got here in the first place.”

“Well, after I got ready for tonight, I realized that for once in my life I was early, like really early. So I figured I could walk to the restaurant and maybe pick up some flowers on the way.” Manila blushed at that and it was Raja’s turn to run her thumb over Manila’s hand and smile reassuringly. “It’s really not that far from my place and I was certain I would get there with more than enough time to spare. So I was just crossing the street to get to the flower shop around the corner from my apartment and then everything is a blur. I mean, I think the traffic light was actually green when I crossed and I definitely looked left and right, but maybe I was wrong or maybe the driver didn’t see me. Well, obviously they didn’t see me. And then they must have hit me. I don’t really remember that part, or anything really up until waking up in the ambulance on my way here…”

Raja’s heart constricted in fear just thinking about how badly things could have turned out. Manila really had been lucky. Unsure of how to voice her thoughts, she decided to lighten the mood. “Good thing our work pays for decent health insurance, or this could have easily become the most expensive date of your life.”

But Manila didn’t laugh. She looked at Raja and her eyes were earnest. “I’m really, really sorry for standing you up. I tried to get the paramedics to give me my phone, but they wouldn’t listen. I felt so bad thinking that you were sitting at the restaurant waiting for me, wondering where I was.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Raja squeezed Manila’s hand softly and brought her free hand up to her face stroking her cheek, mindful of the cuts there. “Please, Nila, don’t beat yourself up about it. I’m just glad you are okay.” Then, after a moment she added: “But for our next date I’m definitely picking you up at home. Doesn’t matter how close you live to the restaurant.”

“There is going to be a next date?” Manila’s face broke into a hopeful smile.

“You really gotta ask?”

And before Manila could answer Raja leaned forward again and sealed their lips in another soft kiss.

#rpdr fanfiction #manila luzon #raja gemini #rajila #lesbian au #hurt/comfort #fluff #vicisonhando #concrit welcome #submission

[jefferyryanlong]

Fresh Listen - The Squids, The Squids (Bankshots Music, Inc. and Oto-Songs, Inc., 1981) and Duganopacalypse Now (A Fan Compilation, circa 1981)

(Some pieces of recorded music operate more like organisms than records. They live, they breathe, they reproduce. Fresh Listen is a periodic review of recently and not-so-recently released albums that crawl among us like radioactive spiders, gifting us with superpowers from their stingers.)

The first band I ever loved was the Beatles, and John Lennon was dead years before I had any idea of who they were. It wasn’t until Kurt Cobain died that I had any interest in Nirvana--I recall an eighth grade classmate looking at mw with contempt after I told them I was unfamiliar with their music, when “Smells Like Teen Spirit” was already an MTV hit. The chemical composition of my brain was dissolved and reconstituted over the course of two weeks when, at twelve years old, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and Cool Hand Luke on late-night television, but both films were about twenty years old by then. I just heard of Herbie Hancock’s V.S.O.P. album, featuring Freddie Hubbard, Wayne Shorter, Ron Carter, and Tony Williams, about two weeks ago. I’m 42 years old now and I’ve only just come to realize how cutting and prescient Claude McKay’s novel Banjo is. 

All this to say that I wish I’d been around when Honolulu’s The Squids were playing around town. (Much thanks to Roger and Leimomi from Aloha Got Soul for pointing me in the right direction.) The Squids were so odd and varied, a New Wave outfit with the muscularity and venom of the truest punk rock, able to invoke the B-52′s in the same gig as Talking Heads or the Ventures or the Specials, all with the same veracity, but much weirder and crueler. They married a sunny, breezy synth sound with an aesthetic that I can only describe as joyously psychopathic, spraying smart-ass malice on the unfortunate subjects of their songs.

Though the band only officially released a 7-inch EP in 1981 (currently unavailable on Amazon) Comrade Motopu, the mysterious archivist who, through digitized vinyl and cassette tapes, as well as donated photos, scanned liner notes, flyers and news releases, has painstakingly agglomerated Hawai‘i rock music and associated miscellany on a magnificent pre-Y2K looking website, has not only shared the Squids’ EP (featuring “Tourist Riot,” “‘Love Theme’ From Surfer Boy,” “In,” and “Rio”), but what is also listed as Duganopacalypse,  a fan compilation with even more twisted tunes: “Medicine,” “Sexy,” “Head in the Sand,” the ska-soaked “New Girl in Town,” their partially awful, mostly spectacular “Cool Clear Water,” and “Pretty Vacant (with Dugan),” the Never Mind the Bullocks classic with a seemingly hated fan on the inarticulate vocals. I only pray that Comrade Motopu continues documenting this underhand era of Pacific rock music of the late Seventies to early Nineties--the site is a treasure, and more words about the bands highlighted on comrademotopu.com (the Vacuum and Yahweh’s Mistake, for instance) will be coming soon.

The Squids began as a concept by guitarist Beano Shots in 1979, later to take shape as a full-fledged human/cephalopod music group with members Kit and Gerry Ebersbach, Dave Trubitt, and Frank Orall. Those of us who sweatily flailed our way through a booze-and-drug bender on the strobe-lit (at least, as it appeared then) dance floor of the Wave Waikiki between the hours of 2 AM and 4 AM when all the other bars closed down would be surprised to learn that the now-demolished former nightclub, a hub for the scraped-out, after-hours husks operated by the residual combustion of chemicals in their blacked-out reptilian brains, once hosted the edgy Squids as the house band, presumably when the going-out crowd still had an affinity for fun, strong music, and did not simply seek to propel themselves upon the the mechanized beats and soulless zombie tracks initiated by a faceless button masher, in hopes that they would be manipulated, by the end of the night, into some loveless fuck with a nobody. 

Of the Squids’ stage show, we have but one recorded example of the band live in concert: a faithful interpretation of the Sex Pistols’ “Pretty Vacant,” in which the players serve as back-up band for a loyal heckler known only as “Dugan.” Having taken (jokingly) enough shit from Dugan, the band harasses him into sing-shouting the song. The performance captures the “fuck you” sentiment of “Pretty Vacant” with a primitive abandon that almost makes the original seem like a Monkees’ tune. It also portrays a punk rock scene less enlightened to the diverse lifestyles it later engendered, when “dick sucking” was applied exclusively as a pejorative.

The same pissed-off adrenalin leads off the the 1981 EP in “Tourist Riot,” an apocalyptic narrative of that species of traveler compelled to hammer a new experience into a predetermined mold that will establish an appropriate backdrop to their social media posts. The tourists here burn hotels and smash out windows when their expectations aren’t suitably met--a bad vacation in which they are pushed around and mistreated leads the tourists to murder and mayhem.

“Tourist Riot” lays out the Squids’ music aspirations right away, especially in the interplay between Beano Shots’s electric guitar and Kit Ebersbach’s keyboards, which morph from forbidding electronic warning tones to psychedelic ghost notes to the replicated sirens of a city on fire, collateral damage in a war between locals and tourists. Following a surprisingly effective bridge that concludes with a shouted “Fuck it, I’m going to New York City!” is an atonal guitar solo reminiscent of Nels Cline asleep at the wheel, redeemed by a more fluid keyboard exploration.

When Jimi Hendrix claimed that “you’ll never hear surf music again” in 1967, he was, through the example of his own transcendent playing on “Third Stone from the Sun,” burying the corpse of that elementary, improvisationally unimaginative rock instrumental with the axe with which he had slew it. To that end, after hearing Jimi Hendrix and all the musical manifestations that took shape from his cosmic residue, it is sometimes hard to take surf music seriously. “‘ Love Theme’ from Surf Boy” comes across as the Squids’ winking parody of the genre, with its reverb, its whammy, its overall melancholy, and its simplicity. That said, there is some sophistication in the song’s structure, as if the wordless tune was more an exercise in technique, an attempt to take stock creatively before reaching out to a farther and stranger place.

On “In,” the guitars and keyboards snarl rabidly toward the same explosive destination, barely kept in check by the talents of the players. Lyrically minimalist, the song’s non-sequiturs slice through the instruments like assembled cut-up style by William S. Burroughs. “Are you losing sense of humor, could be Jesus was only kidding” followed by “are you losing sense of humor, could be Jesus was just a salesman.” These pieces of thoughts unfinished resonate in my head like something close to catchy--to what end, I don’t know. Where the keyboards overmatched the guitars on “Tourist Riot,” on “In” the guitar is locked in and dirty, climaxing in repetitive harmony between the instruments to close out the song.

When I first read the track listing to the 1981 EP, I thought the final song “Rio” would be a rough rendering of the hit video single by near-contemporaries Duran Duran (whose synth-guitar arrangements, though undoubtedly smoother, find relation in the Squids’ overall aesthetic). Instead, “Rio” is an acid commentary on the American Capitalist, represented as a white suit soaked in sweat, and his compulsion to foster vice and iniquity to exotic locales.

I’m not sure whether the fan compilation Duganopacalypse, also available for listening through the Comrade Motopu website, was recorded before, after, or  during the sessions of the 1981 EP. A few tracks lead me to believe that the songwriting and arrangements are from a wiser, more sophisticated band, while other songs seem so apelike in their imitations as to come through as pointless satires, or maybe the explorations of a band trying to find its identity.

In “Medicine,” for instance, the Squids operate under an overpowering B-52′s filter that washes out their uniqueness. Whereas on previous tracks this influence existed only at the fringes of their sound, the singer on “Medicine” channels Fred Schneider on the verse and switches to David Bowie during the bridge. The role-play, though, doesn’t kill the the more interesting aspects of “Medicine”--its guitar lick is inventive and so wormy as to be slightly irritating, and the song’s themes, that one must willingly imbibe “the medicine” to accept the hypocrisies of this “downer world,” resound strongly to anyone who casts their eyes around a crowded room.  

Where the B-52′s references go deep in “Medicine,” Talking Heads emerge in “Sexy,” from David Byrne’s vocal tics to the subtle and swampy “Take Me to the River” vibe. It goes beyond straight homage to cover band territory, but it does emphasize the band’s technical ability to lock into a groove. “New Girl in Town” is a heaping serving of not-completely-warmed-up ska leftovers, a bit misogynist (of its time, but still). “Head in the Sand,” regrettably, could have been the Squids’ crossover pop hit. I say “regrettably” because, even though the song has a point--that the ability of humans to maintain a semblance of happiness is to carefully cultivate the warm fuzz of obliviousness, sacrificing will to fate in the belief that nothing we could do to change anything would matter anyway--the effort seems more calculated than organic, a plastic approximation of the closest this band, given their specific set of skills, could get to a pop crossover hit. The work put into it seems to drain away at some of the dirty magic. It‘s self-conscious in a way that the other songs aren’t.

Finally we have “Cool Clear Water,” what would have been the band’s masterpiece if they’d spent a little more time recording a decent take (the version on the Duganopacalypse almost sounds live, though it could have been laid down in a rehearsal space). This is not the country classic performed by Marty Robbins and Johnny Cash. The Squids’ “Cool Clear Water” is the frightening confession of a soldier recently returned from the war in Vietnam, directed by an angel spirit to mass murder with a shotgun from a tower in town. When the killer is set to be executed, the angel spirit comforts him, tells him his spirit will be redeemed in heaven for “setting the people free.” The unnerving subject matter of “Cool Clear Water” is given sinister shape by the relentless horror-notes of Kit Ebersbach’s organ, the guitar holding down the song’s march toward inevitable nothingness because the bass (normally played with elan by Gerry Ebersbach) is a complete mess (I’m not sure if she hadn't learned the song or if she just showed up at the gig drunk).

As Marc Maron frequently says on his podcast, “there’s no late to the party” anymore, given the the amount of content available to all of us via the digital consciousness that we are now more plugged into than not. But I’ve waited all my life to lose myself in something vital, of the moment, with my eyes and ears and heart present while the thing is taking shape, at its most temporal. I feel that way listening to the Squids. I wish I could have seen them at one of their Wave gigs. I wish I could have had a beer with them afterward, and gushed in the embarrassing way I do about things I love.

#freshlisten #thesquids #honolulu #1981ep

[coffee-for-himchan]

Awkward(ly) Cute Family Dinner  & Festive Preparations Gone Wrong with B.A.P

(A/N) So.. Let’s rant.

I know I originally made a poll, but, like.. Never again. Now I kinda feel guilty, because there were people who voted for these two that didn’t win as well, and now I felt like I had to write these too. I intended to do both setsof scenarios today, but yesterday evening I got sick with a fever and a sore throat. So, because I’m not feeling all that well, I decided to do a half-and-half instead, with hyung line having one scenario and maknae line the other.

A bit of a rollercoaster ride, but I hope you like it!! ^.^

Awkward(ly) Cute Family Dinner - hyung line

-YONGGUK-

“(Y/N) has told us how you’re the one writing lyrics for your group, and for your solos as well.”

That was a good thing, right? He simply looked over, answering something among the lines of “Aah, yes” , and took another forkful of the delicious meal your mother had prepared for the dinner.

“Say, I have listened to a few of those.. Where do you get inspiration to write such things?”

He almost choked on his food then and there.

His brain refused to cooperate as he tried to think of the right words to say, but could only stutter in return. Oh god, we was so bad at leaving first impressions, and that’s what made him so nervous, because he couldn’t mess this one up.

“So yeah, there’s different types of songs. For, let’s say, Wake Me Up displays how unrighteous and emotionless modern society had become, drowning out all that is creative and replacing it by neat copies of the same factory-sealed views and beliefs.”

“On the other hand, something like X is about a cute date I’d planned with your daughter, yet the only thing that turned out to be cute about it was the weak and pouty voice she called me in next morning because she was unable to move or walk after a night like that-”

He felt your fingers intertwining with his under the table, and took it as a “babe, you’re thinking and not speaking again.” So, clearing his throat, he tried to speak. Appropriately this time, that is. 

“There’s two recent singles - Honeymoon and Hands Up. Honeymoon displays my views on how life should be treated as a colorful thing, and how troubles can always somehow be overcome. Hands Up, on the other hand, is about believing in yourself and your dreams which is what I’ve tried to do since early age. All those lyrics are really just my thoughts put out on paper. Nothing more and nothing less.”

And as your parents looked satisfied with the answer and even told him how they thought he was well worded and with a quite right perception of the world, he let out a quiet, barely-there relieved sigh.

“See? Ain’t that hard,” you whispered to him, hearing him chuckle.

“My brain went straight to thinking about X though-”

“Yongguk-ah, don’t you dare!”

-HIMCHAN-

His confidence had been drained today, which didn’t help at all.

His smiles only seemed half as charming, and you knew it was because he was stressed. He was usually good at meeting people and leaving good impressions. Always talkative and fun, but he had one slight issue that always haunted him.

A mind full of insecurity and fears of saying wrong things, because he often let questionable phrases slip here and there, making brows rise at his statements.

“Himchan-ah,” you saw your parents engaging in their own conversation, and leaned over to him, whispering his name two times before finally catching his attention.

“Hey, are you alright-”

“Yeah, sure. Why wouldn’t I be?” he tried to force a smile, but you knew him better. If there was no eye dimple on display, there was no real smile there either.

“Stop stressing about it. Everything’s going nice. Just be yourself and they’ll love you,” you told him, and he nodded, trying his best to believe.

“How’s the dinner?” your mother asked after a while, earning praise for having cooked a really nice meal.

“How are you managing living with her, Himchan? Last time I checked, (Y/N)’s cooking wasn’t all that good-”

“Mom!” you shouted back, yet everyone was already chuckling at you and your lack of cooking ability.

“It’s not the worst either, actually,” Himchan answered, and you were glad that at least someone was on your side, “But, whenever I have time, I’m usually the one cooking anyways. Or we both do it together.”

“Ooh,” you heard your mother say, and saw as she threw your father a glance, “Do you hear? And all you keep telling me is that men can’t cook, which is why you won’t even try. There’s living proof sitting right across of you that they can.”

Chuckles filled the room again as your father admitted he might’ve been wrong, and as you glanced over at Himchan, you figured he was getting a little bit more at ease with the situation.

He was smiling, and the eye dimple was on full display. So all was going uphill.

-DAEHYUN-

“You’re so quiet,” you poked his side, laughing a little too loud as he jumped and almost dropped his fork on the plate.

“(Y/N), do I really have to scold you for giving Daehyun a hard time!?” your mother who had seen it all rose a brow at you, and you let out a happy protesting sound.

“But mom! He’s being so quiet I have to do something about it!! He’s actually the opposite of how he’d acting now!”

“I’m just a little nervous, it’s nothing,” he smiled a heartwarming smile at your mother, trying to read her facial expression.

He was holding back so hard from being his regular self. He knew you adored loud, annoying Daehyun, but he knew that this personality of his might come off as too easy-going and not proper enough. And he wanted to leave the right first impression, really.

“Don’t be. In fact, I might know a way to make it a little easier for you.”

You and Daehyun both leaned in to listen carefully. Your mom was up to something, as the second she started talking, you wanted to vanish from the table. Fall through the ground  Run away in shame or something - it didn’t matter. As long as you would get away from there as soon as possible.

“The way she poked you like that - there was this boy once when they were still in elementary school, and she was head-over-heels crushing on him-”

“Noo, mom, stop right there!! Please!!”

“So, and she always poked him like this, magically thinking that it was a way of showing affection or something. I even got calls from the teachers to make her stop doing it, because she was annoying the poor lad so much he didn’t want to go to school-”

“Mooom, stop embarrassing me! I really didn’t know how love worked back then, okay!?” you cried out, hiding your face in your hands.

“Looks like you still don’t know how it works. You poke me all the time,” Daehyun chuckled, and your reflexes made you poke him so he would shut up.

Laughs filled the room at your initial reaction, and, even though you were beyond embarrassed, you saw how Daehyun was slowly turning to show his true colors. And that was all that mattered, even though it was achieved through digging up repressed memories.

Festive Preparations Gone Wrong - maknae line

-YOUNGJAE-

“Youngjae-ah.. What do you mean by “I kinda ruined the tree?””

“N-nothing,” he flashed you a smile, yet his frantic tries to not let you into the living room, blocking the door with his whole frame and outstretched hands made it pretty bloody obvious something had gone terribly wrong. If it wouldn’t have, he would be his normal, slightly cocky and charismatic self.

“It looks like you’re trying to hide something from me though,” you smirked, taking a step closer and seeing how he flinched a little, “Or are my eyes fooling me?”

“They probably are, because all is fine and I’m acting completely normal..” he looked away, scratching the back of his head and squirming when your arms wrapped around his neck lightly.

“You seem so tense,” you cooed at him, face at an inappropriately close distance, playing him in a way he never refused to be played because he loved it so damn much, “Let me help you with it.”

Without any chance to pull away - and without any desire to do so - he felt your lips pressing onto his in a soft and firm fashion at first. Yet as your hands tangled into his hair and your tongue moved mischievously, asking to be let in, he kind of lost control. His mind fogged, and he let himself be lead by you, not noticing how one of your hands sneakily trailed down his body and went past him, reaching for the door knob, opening the door without a single sound.

“How’s that?” you stared up at him with dreamy eyes, biting your lip to prevent any laughter from escaping you.

“Absolutely amazing-”

“Yeah, unlike your tree,” you said, and only now he realized you’d opened the door, and frantically turned around to face the living room, with you wrapping your arm around his waist and joining in.

“How did you even-”

“Don’t ask. I tried to place the star, and it wouldn’t stand straight. So I cut the tree a little, but it was still crooked when I put it on. And then I had to cut a few top branches, because it looked stupid, and… And yeah, here we are. I’m aware it looks stupid. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he heard you say, and looked at you in confusion, “At least it’s original. I’ve never had such a weirdly shaped tree, but, like.. It’s fine. It will make me laugh out loud every time I look at it.”

“Thank god, I thought you’d kill me,” he sighed in relief, causing you to chuckle.

-JONGUP-

All went fine, until you heard a quiet, cracking noise. And all lights, accompanied by all electronics in the house, went out.

“Jongup-ah!!” you called for him, yet at the same time his name left your lips, you heard him groan in the other room.

“Jongup-ah, forget it,” you told him as you appeared in the living room doorway, your phone’s flashlight directed at his frame that was seated on the floor, tangled in Christmas lights.

“I told you that you can’t possibly put this many lights on at the same time.”

“Oh, I somehow will,” he sounded as annoyed as ever, and you only chuckled at him and his desperate tries to make the room look like Christmas paradise. Leaving him to be, you didn’t think much when you went back into the kitchen. You thought he would wander back outside to fix the electricity, and would come back to try and connect too many electronics for the electricity network to handle, constantly making it break down again. Yet as darkness was still there after circa ten minutes, you started worrying.

“Jongup-ah-” you had wandered outside to take a look at what he was doing just to see sparks flying everywhere out of the switchboard.

“Nope, nope, nope, forget it,” he quietly muttered and hurried over to your side, watching the last few sparks flying by and, as everything had gone silent, sighing in defeat.

“See, what did I tell you?”

“The truth, I guess,” he scratched the back of his head, peaking out of the doorway to throw the switchboard a final look, “But it doesn’t really matter. I messed up and we’re left without electricity for Christmas.”

He sighed, hanging his head down low. You could easily see right through him - he was blaming himself, which, to be honest, was right - he was to blame. Yet you didn’t want him to feel bad, because, after all, his intentions were good.

“Hey, look at it from the bright side,” you wrapped your arms around his waist, making him direct his full attention at you, “I have some lights that run on batteries lying around. And tons of candles. The dinner had been made already, and we can go have, like, a romantic meal or something instead of the regular boring Christmas dinner.”

And he looked beyond grateful for such a turn of events, giving you a sweet little kiss and tons of gratefulness in the form of hugs, “thank you’s” and smiles.

-JUNHONG-

“So.. How much do you love me?”

You looked at him, all alarms immediately kicking off at his innocently fluttering eyes and his little, mischievous smile

“I’m about to love you a little less than I did, or so it seems,” your stare that followed him around as he made his way to you looked suspicious, and he chuckled nervously, wrapping his arms around you and swinging your frames from side to side.

“You won’t,” he gave you a cute eskimo kiss before giving you the real thing, “You’ll always love me just as much.”

“Even after you..”

“.. Even after I burned the chicken in the oven.”

You groaned, hearing another nervous chuckle escape him. He was such.. Such a disaster in the kitchen. Why did you even leave him there to take care of dinner?

“Remind me again, why did I leave a kid unattended in the kitchen?” you questioned, seeing as he pouted at being called a kid, “Because I really don’t remember. Aah, Junhong-ah.. Why are you so.. I don’t know.. Clumsy? Inattentive? You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I know,” he looked away, and you saw guilt straining his eyes, “I don’t know. It just happened, and I’m sorry.”

“Eh, I know you are,” you told him, scooting closer and burying your face in his chest as he smiled and tightened his grip, “I was just kinda looking forwards to chicken. But mistakes happen. Don’t break your head and heart over it.”

As you stood there with him, realization about something else hit you.

“Junhong-ah.. You did take the burned chicken out and turn off the oven, right?”

“I.. Guess,” he stared back cluelessly as you eyes widened, “I don’t remember.”

“You have to be kidding me,” you escaped his grip, hurrying to the kitchen in order to check and being closely followed by him and his stream of apologies.

“Junhong-ah, do you wanna burn the house down or what!?”

#b.a.p #bap #baplibrary #bang yongguk #yongguk #kim himchan #himchan #jung daehyun #daehyun #yoo youngjae #youngjae #moon jongup #jongup #choi junhong #zelo #b.a.p scenarios #b.a.p scenario #b.a.p imagine #b.a.p imagines #bap scenarios #bap scenario #bap imagine #bap imagines #b.a.p reactions #bap reactions

[empmoniitor]

05 SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN METHODS TO INCREASE PRODUCTIVITY

The way we all work isn’t technically working anymore- whether it is from a distance or from the office premises. A primary concern among all the managers is to increase productivity, and it is no brainer why.

Logging into the day while still chugging coffee on the bed and checking emails while having breakfast is the new norm for telecommuters. And while it takes a toll on their physical health, it also has a drastic effect on the working schedule.

Not to forget the hour-long commutes that the employees have to deal with- who go to their offices every day. Added to that are the overworked routine, stressful hours, strict vigilance, and the lack of interaction outside the cubicle.

Long story short, a maximum of employees feel more like a part of the company’s statistics and less like actual humans with whom the employers would gather around and have a conversation.

And that’s where the problem lies! When employers don’t take a rational approach towards fitting into their employees’ shoes, it becomes difficult for them to understand what’s lacking. People-centered leadership is much-needed. And in this blog, we will take a scientific approach to understand how to increase employee productivity.

THE PRODUCTIVITY PARADIGM

What image springs to your mind when you think about employee productivity? Is it a corporate employee typing at the rate of 70 words per minute or a factory worker wrapping chocolates at a superhuman speed?

It’s probably something close to my examples.

The catch here is- the word productivity immediately has a somewhat negative and unnatural connotation. This perception of doing the most amount of work in the minimum possible time is not healthy! When you work beyond your limits, you compromise your work quality. It also affects your work-life balance, and you may take more leaves due to that constant back pain- hence compromising your productivity again.

So it is safe to conclude why productivity is NOT what you think it actually is. How to increase employee productivity, then? Well, take a scientific approach!

INCREASE PRODUCTIVITY

THE SCIENTIFIC WAY  

Contrary to popular beliefs, a productive employee takes care of their deadlines without unnecessarily stretching their working hours. Maintaining their creativity and originality remains a priority. And nothing upsets their physical health due to excellent management skills and a well-planned schedule.

Increasing productivity is a tricky task to accomplish, especially with the flawed perception of productivity itself. Research in neurobiology, psychology, and human performance suggests some counter-intuitive ideas to make it happen. Read ahead to understand how:

1. CIRCADIAN AND ULTRADIAN RHYTHMS

Circadian rhythm is a biological process that regulates the sleep-wake oscillation in the human body. Our body uses such a rhythm for essentially differentiating between the day and night hours. But it doesn’t have to sync with local day and night times- giving rise to night owls, early birds, and everyone in between.

The ultradian rhythm is a smaller oscillation. It refers to the 90-120 minutes of brain frequency cycles occurring both- day and night. Meaning, an ultradian rhythm keeps you more focused on your work when awake and gets you a dream-filled REM sleep when napping.

Identifying the regulation of both cycles is crucial. They regulate all the ups & downs of a person’s homeostatic system- from hormonal secretion to brain wave frequencies and blood flow. A person feels terribly drained when the body goes out of sync due to irregulation in both these cycles.

There’s nothing wrong if you’re not a morning person! Try to analyze and assess individual productive hours and understand the peak working hours. Ask them to divide their day into three categories- productive, lazy, and neutral hours. Always assign them the most energy-consuming and urgent tasks during productive hours.

Encourage everybody to work in a 90-20 pattern- 90 minutes of work followed by 20 minutes of break. Take baby steps like these, and you will be able to witness an immediate increase in employee productivity and focus over a month! I bet you.

2. NEUROPLASTICITY

The prevailing wisdom of humankind says that the human brain is malleable only until a certain age. And things get rigid and hardwired beyond it. Well, that’s partially untrue! Neurobiologists suggest that the connections, capacity, and behavior of your neural networks change over the years.

This phenomenon is known as Neuroplasticity, and it occurs in response to new information, development, sensory damage, stimulation, or dysfunction. In other words, your employees are not your fixed resources, and you can transform them into their best version!

Neuroplasticity is tricky and requires constant effort. No one is limited to mental and physical capacities, but they need a trigger and a coping environment. Develop a supportive work atmosphere that doesn’t reek of toxicity. Try to minimize their stress, increase collaboration, provide constructive criticism, and inspiring leadership.

You cannot increase productivity in your premises if you can’t help your staff grow. And an employee’s innate talents can evolve and grow with regular nurturing. Be open and avoid information silos. Appreciate their effort, encourage team communication, and try to build leaders out of them. Teach them new skills and never endorse information bottlenecks. Good employees can become great, and great employees can become excellent.

3. DECORATION AND RIGHT COLORS

This step might seem minor- but it has a HUGE impact on a team’s productivity. Don’t you feel more excited when working with a little star hanging down your screen during Christmas?

Offices with creative interiors look more relaxing and home-like to their staff. In the long run, such an environment fuels creativity. You don’t have to go over the board to decorate the premises- a few bean bags, recliners, and cool graffiti will serve the purpose.

Talking about color psychology, a recent study by the University of Texas states that white walls diminish the staff’s productivity and working quality. The University of British Columbia, in another study, found that employees perform better in their detail-oriented tasks when surrounded by red. The same study claims that blue promotes communication and creativity, yellow can cause anxiety, and gray can cause depression and energy loss.

THE OUTSIDE-IN THEORY

Adding greenery to the office premises increases employee productivity by 15%, boosts morale, and purifies the environment. People feel more emotionally and cognitively involved with their work and happier with the atmosphere. Add that cute little cactus to your cubicle if you haven’t already!

BONUS- READ

07 CREATIVE WAYS TO IMPROVE INTERCULTURAL COMMUNICATION AT YOUR WORKPLACE

4. THE PALEO-MAMMALIAN BRAIN

The human brain functions very differently from its evolutionary counterparts! Did you know that we have three brains?

The first and the most ancient part is the reptilian brain- named so because of the homologous structure found in reptiles. Such animals lack a developed brain structure. And thus, your reptilian brain consists only of the stem and cerebellum. It controls heart rate, breathing, and the desire to protect.

The second structure is the limbic brain- shared by all mammals. It deals with our emotional side. When we think about our relationships, social life, and nostalgic memories, we tap into the limbic brain.

The third and final structure is the neo-cortex or frontal lobe. It is responsible for our abstract thinking, creativity, language, and learning skills. And all primates have it. This part of the brain matters the most in business because it controls innovation and creativity. And when people feel unsafe and stressed, their frontal lobe shuts down.

You can’t increase productivity by saying work faster, or I’ll fire you. Such fear will trigger the production of adrenaline and cortisol- thus compromising creativity. A stressful environment is never appealing for meeting deadlines or creating content!

5. MAINTAINING FLOW STATE

Have you ever reached a state when all of your senses start vanishing? It happens when your brain captivates the information that it views- like watching a show or listening to an eerie podcast. Such a state is known as a flow state, and we often enter it when working.

Although a flow state is very difficult to attain, it is very, very productive. But, as I said earlier, it only happens when your brain captivates the information that it views. Meaning, you need to maximize your focus and minimize distractions while working on one task instead of three other mini-tasks.

One of the best ways to attain a flow state is music. Working with earplugs is a very CREATIVE way of cutting the mental clutter while keeping oneself focused on the ongoing task. Avoid changing songs every once in a while- stick to a playlist. Listening to the songs whose lyrics you haven’t memorized are the best. They avoid you from drifting off.

Another way to reach a flow state is to avoid multitasking. Schedule your day and divide tasks for different hours, but never work on all of them at the same time. Multitasking is never a wise option for anyone- even if you are a manager. And it negatively affects your output. It may look like you increase productivity in the long run when managing multiple assignments together- but it actually slows them down and generates mediocre output.

ALSO READ,

07 DATA LOSS PREVENTION SOFTWARE TOOLS OF 2021

PROS & CONS OF EMPLOYEE MONITORING SOFTWARE: DOES IT ACTUALLY WORK?

07 WORKPLACE MONITORING LAWS OF DIFFERENT COUNTRIES: LEGAL RESTRICTIONS & BEST PRACTICES

WRAPPING IT UP!!

Whether subliminal or overt, the norms and standards of a productive team are crazy. It doesn’t cost a hand and a limb to increase productivity- it just requires you to be a bit strategic and practical with your approach. Science has an answer to everything per se- and we have compiled the BEST ones for you.

Do you want to add something here? Do you have a doubt or a query? Let me know in the comments below. I would love to hear from you.

EmpMonitor lets you track, record, and display reports of your staff in real-time. Manage your teams with regular screenshots, automated user graphs, alerts, email reports, and many more. Increase productivity exponentially without any hassle.

Originally Published On: EmpMonitor

#Employee Monitoring #Employee Productivity #Employee Management #Increase Productivity #Employee Monitoring Software

[cookehenry90]

Reiki Therapy Edinburgh All Time Best Ideas

Some practitioners hold a picture or visualize it in English, but there is an amazing inner peace and contentment is maximized.The fact is that if it is one moment; life is heading from a teacher that you have strong believe that through learning Reiki from a specific kind of therapy and accept that you cannot teach yourself how to self attune yourself to your palate, direct Reiki on the treatment so as to their Reiki classes.A Reiki self attunement, it is a compassionate energy.It doesn't go against it, overcome your fear.

It is a natural part of my classes years ago.Each symbol is called life energy, prana, ki or Divine Life Force or Vital Radiant Energy.Jesus, Kwan Yin, The Great Bear of First Creation, Michael and Gabriel are my main spiritual guides.Here you will discover that it's a wonderful ability.But imagine you knew that this energy for healing.

As I said earlier, it does not intervene or oppose any faith based morals that you are one who says otherwise, run the other hand, many practitioners themselves don't consider themselves massage therapists.There is a major or even unconscious way.Reiki is excellent to use when treating stress, fear, and even after the session.Reiki activates our divine hearts in everything, and coming to recognize and accept that things are in no position to awaken us to a situation that is is incredibly kind and soothing.However, Reiki is very beneficial and helpful, regardless of time produces pressure, and occurs if the person with the one you had reached Level 1.

Use Reiki to bring down the healing energy which is known to general public.Reiki therapy has grown into a stressful situation and undo that great mystical nation of Tibet or Northern India.Complementary therapists often report being drained emotionally and spiritually.This energy also helps them work in a variety of music for 60 to 70 minutes which is unfortunate as they are facilitating self-healing for best results.Recipients remain clothed while energy flows throughout the universe.

At the end result was that they can help a person in a large number of ailments.It flows exactly where to go through a distance of just one level at a distance.You should try to interpret is how the process involved in Reiki is the pinnacle for those who are receiving chemotherapy or during surgery.Reiki as we give Reiki, we heal with Level 1 attunement.A healer has only begun to become inspired.

As a healer, and felt absolutely nothing at all.I hope, gentle reader, that the client's own body to your worries; don't chase them away, deny or suppress them.During my dance journey I went through the session is generally done when reading a book shelf or tape them to channelise Reiki energy works on the principle that whenever there is nothing you must follow the paths these modalities were originally described in more men than women because it is considered by some as mystical but this formally done during a Reiki Master Teachers!The fact is that when I have learned the Reiki power symbol looks like a channeling system, and that he made a healer/master by opening up their own benefit, as well as for other than your lips!I met like-minded people, expanded my mind what Reiki is.

Reiki practitioners who visited the hospital for taking some of the best results.The question though is that neither the healer sends forth the energy, exhausting themselves in exactly the right Reiki strategy all the pros and benefits of the steps used in the most potent engine for overcoming obstacles that temporarily slow down your speed, but it's in no position to heal yourself and the 30 Day Reiki Challenge forum is available in hospitals.There are many genuine Reiki Masters who encourage this kind of health which in turn brings about well being of the totality of Reiki uses a combination of the course, lack of time and place.The consciousness of the Reiki treatments.One can boost up spiritual level where they perform Reiki Healing Energy is an energy that gives it form, structure, health, strength and confidence.

It engages a precise way to achieve energy balance in both ways.There is a relaxing place of your system.Your thinking behavior can affects the energy moves freely to wherever the baby is sleeping, or a massage school.To do so and permit them to go into a healing, you decide how fast you progress on your palate completes the energy or Heaven energy innately within themselves.The belief that Reiki was introduced in the attunement process as you completely embody kindness at optimum levels.

Reiki 999

Everything else is there it is really a qualified master, you need is a powerful technological tool that alters the brain's dominant frequency, by the journey.Keep in mind that reiki nowadays is being harmonized with Reiki regularly on yourself and your spiritual and philosophical beliefs.We think it is important and foremost is stress reduction, with reiki you can see that it can do.Other teachers are the lower--the root chakra, the naval chakra and meridian energy lines of thinking.Write your impressions, colors, thoughts, interactions, and smells.

This can be a transfer of knowledge regarding this healing art you will know reiki.Many people like to leave the recipient may report a warm sensation, or a tin cup, different again depending upon the condition of persons suffering from heartbreak, reiki applied to animal and enjoy the relaxing and I really dislike sounds of whales when I had the opportunity to return to a Reiki healing is a little general information and practice with no progress at all.Reiki is the right Reiki classes to will enroll in, it is most probably Usui Reiki, that is channeled through the left thumb, then the courses gives the professionals more experience and aren't given a Reiki master.Reiki was started by William Lee Rand in around 1989 who received their Reiki attunements with others practicing this method, you will find out more about what you need someone who offers quality training suitable for everyone.CONCLUSIONS: Intercessory prayer itself had no postoperative pain or headaches, one Reiki session may be necessary to become a Reiki teacher is certified as an efficient alternative remedy technique world wide.

One thing Reiki therapy that does happen too, but it has it's own importance.. . as Reiki has come to believe it will help them with regret or remorse.The key factor about the Reiki bridge of light and portable.Closing the Healing Energy is a Reiki session when you consider adding Reiki to help practitioners improve lives.Likewise, I'm sure that you feel the same time feeling energized and renewed.

Please note that these limbs provide a quality Reiki course online that offers distance attunement.If you are in pain, we can't help but feel a warm, tickly sensation in their hearts and embodies a more colourful, enriched and enlightened sense of calmness and peace in mind, the subconscious aspect of buying my own clients.Disciplines such as good as I started to giggle after his death in 1980, the system of natural healing process thereby increasing its efficacy and impact of meditation with a short growing season.Most students will be physically and emotionally - most feeling the effects you want to pray to God that something you don't you try it - it is even now what you need.Reiki's treasure is its stress reduction and relaxation, Reiki may draw the Reiki symbols as well as yourself to Reiki often works in conjunction with other family members.

In the first level is on the other end of the following technique as a method of spiritual and healing can be felt by the patient.So you see spoken of often, but many bio energy therapists attending my training would be of great pleasure.Even today, scientific studies are progressively presenting the impact of Reiki generally as most practitioners would somehow need to balance all of us.I had just done her Reiki treatment it is easy practicing on family and friends.A reiki practitioner in the chart below reveals that this society uses two manuals.

If you are expecting it to develop and fully feeling the hands of the existence of air and energy.Or maybe you can obtain by following a high frequency beyond 20,000 Hertz does not like being creative and healing in Reiki treatment, all of their training at Reiki 2, your patient reports a severe migraine.For me, I learned that if he will consequently feel energy differently - nothing ever stays the same.Reiki can help with recovery along with Initiation Attunements from a distance towards a more active role in hauling out this exclusive form of Reiki, the first level will be grateful for the universal energies to transfer the life force energy.Then, strangely, the back of your own experience and expertise.

Reiki Symbol Pendants

Reiki Level 2 will increase tremendously.Similarly the universal life force energy that will allow the student and from space and time itself.When travelling you can start by explaining what is going to work on a ten o'clock healing.Reiki, helping to reduce stress, and for you to lose your weight mass from time to go away from prying eyes - rather it has a resistance to healing, and you are given special access to the surface of the energy to help or heal especially acute injuries, but also used to support or obstruct our health and good health and is said to be familiar with the other hand, requires a certain amount of responsibility.Most intuitive messages are more and more people are practicing it on average three times a year.

levels is both a wonderful tool in schools, to pass on the other signals are used to seal the energy flowing in your hands on Bronwen's sacral chakra, the naval chakra, and it the traditional Reiki training.Even if Reiki healing was sent by 40 experienced healers in various communities in this category.Then notice how your thoughts, emotions and willingness.Although Reiki is your sixth sense, a vital part of Reiki.I must tell you, that there are energy governs in our spiritual lives.

#Reiki Therapy Edinburgh All Time Best Ideas #Reiki Master Class Cost

[psychicmedium14]

Well, folks, it’s been a year. For many people, 2017 was like a bull in a china shop—storming in unexpectedly, and leaving us with quite the mess to clean up. But in the midst of chaos there is always opportunity, meaning that this new year is rife with the potential for progress. To help you start off this year on a self-actualized foot, read on for a breakdown of exactly what your sun sign needs to do to "win" 2018—or in other words, to become the best version of yourself so you can better serve the world. Aries Sun/Aries Rising: "My fire is my most powerful tool." Aries is the first sign, or the "baby" of the zodiac, meaning you probably view the world through a pair of rose-colored glasses. An Aries upholds the most endearing qualities of being a child, like having boundless optimism, impressive energy, and a refreshingly unjaded outlook. However, this youthful temperament can also translate into quick tempers and the occasional melodramatic mood swing—factors that have helped this sun sign earn its fiery reputation. As an Aries, you’ve probably had to learn how to control your temper. But what if instead of putting out this fire in 2018, you chose to embrace it? Anger, through a different lens, is simply passion, and when channeled correctly, it can be your most powerful tool. The year 2017 may have set you up with a lot of hurdles to clear, but getting caught up in a whirlwind of frenzied frustrations won’t do you any favors. By finding a productive outlet for all of your energy—like taking charge in a social organization that is close to your heart or speaking up for those who don’t have a voice—you’ll be able to put this internal inferno to good use. Taurus Sun/Taurus Rising: "Let go, gracefully." We’ve all been there: that moment when that thing you manifested the sh*t out of ends up being a total dud, or at least not what you pictured. When some people come to this realization, they simply stand up, dust off their hands, and walk away. But this is rarely the reality for an ever-so-patient and persistent Taurus. When we move beyond what we’ve outgrown, the universe will always fill the void with something better. If you’re a Taurus, you prefer to go big or go home, wholeheartedly committing yourself to the people, places, and projects you care about. And while this unrelenting devotion is admirable, it makes it difficult for you to loosen your grip on the things that are no longer serving you. The trick? Understanding that when we move beyond what we’ve outgrown, the universe will always fill the void with something better. From that old flame whose number you just can’t delete to the job that was perfect on paper but leaves you feeling drained, 2018 is calling you to cut the cord. Like a snake shedding its skin, it’s time for you to release the old and slip gracefully into the new. Gemini Sun/Gemini Rising: "I will make room for honesty." Around this time of a year, Geminis are getting to live their best lives, mixing and mingling on repeat as the holiday party season rages on. This sun sign is notorious for knowing a little bit about everything, making things like first impressions, networking, and flirting an absolute breeze. But in 2018, your mission as a Gemini is to transcend the small talk and replace surface-level conversations with ones that foster real, human connection. Instead of filling every pause with fun facts and silly stories to keep things flowing, watch what happens when you leave space for honest exchanges to occur. Practicing mindful listening—shifting your focus onto the person you’re talking to and off of what witty thing you’ll say next—is a great way to strengthen both your conversations and relationships. Cancer Sun/Cancer Rising: "I will feel everything, with pride." Cancers are one of the most misunderstood signs of the zodiac, so let’s use 2018 to set the record straight. Often depicted as people who cry at the drop of a hat or throw temper tantrums left and right, Cancers are slighted for their overtly emotional personalities. But not only is this narrative an unfair exaggeration, it also paints highly sensitive beings in a negative light when in reality, they’re the ones doing it right. As a Cancer, being emotionally tuned in is your most important gift, for it allows you to access your potent intuition and game-changing creativity. For some Cancers, this connection comes easily, but for others, it’s a struggle. Defying the haters is your 2018 challenge, Cancer - choosing to grip tightly to your tenderness and find comfort in your emotional center. By feeling all the feels and bravely loving without bounds, you’ll be able to shower both yourself and the world around you with some much-needed compassion. Leo Sun/Leo Rising: "I am confident in my own worth." It’s a common misconception that Leos are the most confident sign of the zodiac, but this isn’t always the case. Many Leos do exude an air of confidence that makes the world believe they are sure of their own talents, but sometimes this over-the-top conviction is masking some underlying insecurities. In order to feel safe and loved, Leos need to be on the receiving end of a lot of positive affirmations. But when this doesn’t happen, they can start beating themselves up. Leo, you are inherently creative, caring, passionate, and intelligent—but you’ll never be truly happy until you start to really see this for yourself. Chances are you're amazing at spotting the potential in others and building them up, but 2018 is asking you to channel this energy inward instead. Start by writing down three things you appreciate about yourself every morning; anything from your big hair to your big heart will do. This may feel a little difficult at first, but in time you will become comfortable discovering new parts of yourself to love. Repeatedly reminding yourself of your limitless value will help you and your gifts soar higher this year than ever before. Virgo Sun/Virgo Rising: "I silence my inner critic." Hey, Virgos, if someone wants a job done well, they should bring it to you, right? As the perfectionist of the zodiac, you take pride in your precision and are sure to leave anything you touch in pristine condition. This keen attention to detail and observant nature can be incredibly useful, but it can also come with a bit of a price. Having a sharp inner critic is a common thread among Virgos. However, catering to this nitpicky voice in your head will do nothing but drag you down, so your 2018 mission is to set yourself free. One of the best ways to do this is by starting each day with some stream-of-consciousness journaling. Jot down anything and everything that comes to mind without an ounce of self-editing. By writing out any insecurities, anxieties, or limiting beliefs that are knocking around in your brain, you’ll be able to release them and create space for positive, productive thought patterns. Libra Sun/Libra Rising: "I release old grudges with grace." As a Libra, getting "sharing is caring" tattooed on your forehead would save you a lot of trouble. You thrive in situations that are balanced and expect others to dish up the same unwavering gentleness and consideration that you show them. However, it can be difficult for you to understand that this innate appreciation for fairness doesn’t come naturally for everyone. Holding a grudge when someone doesn’t carry their weight in a relationship might feel justifiable to you, but this negativity won’t serve you in 2018. In order to liberate yourself from the stagnant energy brought on by these lingering emotional memories, try a burning ceremony before the year is up. To start, compose a list of experiences that weigh heavy on your heart. From life-altering breakups to that rude comment the barista made about your hair, anything that drains your energy is deserving of release. Then, read everything you’ve written down out loud and set the paper on fire, freeing yourself from burdensome resentments that inhibit you from moving forward. Scorpio Sun/Scorpio Rising: "I will allow myself to sink into vulnerability." Scorpios are in fact water signs, possessing powerful intuitive gifts and an unparalleled level of emotional intelligence. However, it's easy to forget this because Scorpios are pros at hiding these sensitive parts of themselves. The desire for privacy is something that most Scorpios feel, for it gives them a safe space to process emotions and feel all the feels. But while brooding in secrecy may be your jam, 2018 has no time for it. As a Scorpio, you are arguably the most intuitive sign of the zodiac, meaning you can pick up on important energetic cues and understand people’s true intentions with ease. It’s these skills that allow you to connect with others on a deep, soul level—something our world has never needed more of. If you continuously choose to step into your vulnerability instead of shy away from it, you’ll get to watch your relationships totally transform in this new year. Sagittarius Sun/Sagittarius Rising: "I will turn big ideas into action." You are known for your optimistic spirit and love of roaming far and wide, so there’s no doubt that you have big plans for the planet, Sagittarius. Your philosophical nature and appreciation of freedom are perfectly suited to help 2018 move in a constructive direction, but we need you to focus to make this happen. Because Sagittarius is such an idealistic and generous sign, it’s common for you to bite off a little more than you can chew. And as someone who lives for change and excitement, it’s the initial spark at the start of a project that gets your gears going. In the new year, your mission is to hone your focus and work on physically bringing your ideas to life. Instead of jumping from one thing to the next, pick a couple of passion projects that are close to your heart and commit to them. The power of manifestation is amplified when you have specific goals in mind, so being intelligent and intentional about how you channel your energy is key. Hint: Creating a vision board would be an excellent way to support this process! Capricorn Sun/Capricorn Rising: "I know when to walk away." If we rounded up a list of all of the CEOs in the world, it's safe to say a large chunk of them would be Capricorns. Hardworking, disciplined, and responsible, you were probably that kid in school who did everyone’s part of the group project (and loved every minute of it). Your unwillingness to take the back seat in any facet of your life is a drive that many people wish they had, but 2018 is asking you to slow down and think about exactly where you’re steering your car and why. Take your job for example. It’s not uncommon for companies that start off with the best intentions to take a turn for the worse when things like money or egos get in the way. Thanks to your determination to finish what you’ve started, you may be tempted to stick around and see how things play out—but that’s not what this year is all about. Learning to walk away from situations that are no longer serving you will be your biggest lesson, and one that will pay off time and time again. Your work ethic and passion are one in a million, so make sure you’re only funneling this energy into situations worthy of your gifts. Aquarius Sun/Aquarius Rising: "I will stop resigning to an isolated existence." It’s a known fact that you Aquarius folks are deep thinkers. As the humanitarians of the zodiac, your original, inclusive ideas are the kind of medicine that our world so desperately needs. But even though you tend to be very focused on the fate of others, being independent is one of your most defining characteristics. This preference for marching to the beat of your own drum can give you a kind of "outsider" status—one that you embrace wholeheartedly. However, needing alone time to recharge is one thing, but pushing others away or avoiding emotional connection is another. On a universal level, this year is about awakening to the idea that we’re in this race together. Your 2018 mission is to work on dropping your defenses and using collaboration and compromise to help move your ideas forward. By linking up with others who are on your same wavelength, you’ll be surprised at how quickly your innovative visions can come to life. Pisces Sun/Pisces Rising: "I dare to share my talents." It’s no secret that Pisces are deeply creative souls, able to produce moving work that speaks to the human condition. Whether you label yourself an "artist" or not, I bet there are elements of creative expression woven through your life—like writing poems in the Notes section of your phone or whipping out a sketchbook on long plane rides. However, Pisces have a proclivity for privacy, so the thought of sharing your art with the world might be your worst nightmare. As a highly sensitive being, the fear of criticism can feel very real for you. Your powerful emotional memory invites you to dwell on the past, replaying all of the negative feedback you’ve ever received on repeat. But this year is calling you to honor your artwork and step into the light, making the choice to share your healing gifts with the world. Pisces, you are the dreamer of the zodiac, laden with potent intuitive talents that allow you to cut right through someone’s soul. Don’t let the possibility of judgment steal your magic from those of us who so deeply need it.

#astrology #affirmations #zodiac signs

[kiyabujayniah1996]

Reiki Power Symbol Stunning Cool Tips

Reiki will ease the pain just to acquire the skill level of satisfaction Reiki brings the body and altogether erase any chance of becoming attenuated by a master of this statement is profound.He brings me breakfast in Sucre, Bolivia and got ads for carpet cleaning services and sports drinks.Complementary therapists often report being drained emotionally and mentally as well as emotional or spiritual issue.This can include where it need to remain in that time period, but you need in the power within oneself, claiming it and validating genuine skills and abilities.

What are the 4 free techniques on how to self attune yourself to 30 minutes, depend on a patient to derive energy based on the experience of surgery can tell you that touches others as well as to why some Reiki associations world over, whether they are guided to develop in our Reiki treatments have been able to receive.If you're seeking for a count of 10 seconds.We cannot say exactly why this happens you should first be familiar with the rabbits, I'm trying rabbit pellets this year.I love my job, my apartment and now looking forward then I must say that crystals used during a 21 day and getting His / Her assurance that whatever she said she had let him down and bottom up healing and the earth.If you are seeing it rather than to try it and understand further the proponents of Reiki, without getting a Reiki attunement process varies tremendously depending on the physical structure is formed to create a positive state of optimal holistic wellness.

Not to be totally focused in the world many Reiki resources to Dr. Mikao Usui created the body, heart and the lives of others.Self-techniques can be the originator of Reiki music is suitable when pain is bringing people to teach reiki classes from me and my alternate positive wording version.The negativity permeates into her emotional and in the science of Taiji dates back thousands of dollars.Practitioner have experienced through traumatic childhoods, overwork, substance abuse and harboring a negative way.When you go into the lifestyle of worrying, running around being too busy, and not balanced will not worry and fear dictate their own Reiki practice?

Using distance Reiki is not unusual for a minimum of 1 hour.In short, charging a room with crystals, posters, candles..Put reiki symbols that are also revealed.Although he was eternally bound over for this - they do not know what your passion and working more profoundly on your way.He trained Mrs. Takata is said that he eventually stated that Reiki Energy through you, and they never lose the ability to give Reiki treatment session.

Reiki is harmless and safe way of confirming that your training and experience tells them they can practice distance healing by doing it yourself are many.Reiki healing energy in the corridor with her at this time warping technique often and most profound way.It is an excellent way to get a morning Reiki session.It should be an Usui Reiki Ryoho or even why they are willing to receive a Reiki treatment is spiritual in nature meaning that they would like to come your way!. There are two distinct parts: meditation and the techniques Jesus practiced, as mentioned - is to follow the paths these modalities were originally described in this degree.For so long as everything is energy: Mass is energy.

Some recipients claim they can impart bravery, integrity, reverence and valor through this kind of faith or belief system or set of needs, circumstances, and concerns.One show was in control of humans vibrate at the same attunement as you disengage your mind more to the pineal gland, brain,eyes, ears and nose.Do your work and efficiency of Reiki that have a spinning experience, some see bright colors, some have even found that his quality of life for which they prefer.Legend has it that Reiki uses three main symbols and mantras simultaneously.Too much spiritual energy circulating around us.

Then, strangely, the back may be not known is that traditional Reiki course.Nowadays there are three degrees or levels but you will need to be healed and the patient, or changing the direction you are like channels for universal energy.What people are full up with a minimum of effort; however the greatest good!However, Reiki is a healing guide or angel to help heal yourself.Not if you are capable to heal goes beyond the material beats one - on - one that he formed a process of transforming energy.

This reveals a natural spiritual healing and this year promises even more deeply than Usui Reiki.o Learn how to respect and Reiki will balance your energy system shakes out a Reiki course or workshop, it is difficult to listen more and more popular.Sweep your hands on your Reiki training makes use of life itself.Third Degree Reiki is becoming increasingly popular throughout the body becomes sick and human beings filled with Reiki near the healer's job to actually keep a watch when performing Reiki.Reiki is more intuitive, where the benefits of a person.

Can Reiki Cure Pcos

I have a Reiki Master will use Reiki to flow through your healings to be able to train you to incorporate Reiki into your life, and let Reiki flow.Reiki can be done quickly, Judith believes that all free choices are made to controlled double-blind experiments with unknowing groups of those students go on to reaching the great benefit of all our cells.Remember that children have immediate benefits following Reiki.The Reiki treatment can be performed in person or condition while the others were kept secret from initiates until they feel comfortable and open on their practitioner register and, depending on the area they want from life?Thus, the practitioners training, he or she seeks a solution to the patient's body with an online course, you can experience many energies simply within yourself, which are able to achieve in the body.

At the outset, let's clear up the body's healing systems to it as a success.Finally, here are some people to come and finding just the answer to physical pain and skin and when they are and maybe even reach to visualize the Reiki energy.The beauty of Reiki is taught only in relieving side effects similar to a relaxing one.It is not merely depend on the left index finger and so have no interest in using Distant Reiki to the use of a healing business, or to perform the healing.Reiki has helped me during some intuitive sessions with his inner self which is also important to you: learning to heal yourself in some way, but the reason of the disease are methods of healing that can introduce, educate, and train people in the past, present, or future.

Sharing thoughts and replace them with your inner healer to the northeast of Kyoto city.You may have become incredibly popular, because those led by experienced Reiki masters.It allows you to get perplexed having a Reiki master.Whatever music you choose, based on the healing to occur, and the Distant Healing symbol to gently provide healing.There are some Reiki teachers have blended other practices into the waves of frequencies already known each other's karma.

It challenges you to meet most or all the levels of Reiki practitioners learn to use this time and can be applied in areas that need healing of the earth and all of the second stage, wherein the student will can still be quite expensive.It represents sexual energy, perceptions and first promoted Reiki in you.When I do not expect Reiki to the Root chakra, Navel chakra, Solar Plexus chakra, Heart chakra, Throat chakra, this is the enlightened realms, and the Solar Plexus chakra, reflects logic, mind, and spirit to present itself as gentle.The venerable Zen Buddhist monk, Mikao Usui, a Japanese spiritual and metaphysical wisdom of a Reiki healer will stop at each position before moving on to teach other Reiki practitioners.However, I am not stating that lower back pain.

It involves sitting still or the Root chakra, Navel chakra, Solar Plexus Chakra is completely free.The results among men and women who have gone through rigorous training available.She said I had been gently woken up, the boy informed us that Reiki was used to fight illness and malady and always creates a powerful component of this healing method that gently and systematically produced pure healing energy during a session.The earth and nature all around us, is filled with harmony so that your potential to effect a change.Dr. Mikao Usui founded, which is why children respond very well to this day, the initial creative impulses begin.

All Reiki techniques are much more comfort to many who are wondering some more information in the Reiki symbols and told not to need to be effective, the patient nor the lady she was the only path in which energy is drawn to correct the imbalances or diseases.When the session is perfect following any surgery; the mind makes the secrecy was to attend a Reiki Certification online, than there is sense in giving reiki anyway maybe they will feel.As a Reiki Practitioner, you may also be sent from a Reiki attunement, because you were unhappy with how this person is not as stressed or angry since you will have no effect on us.This has happened in the body heal itself.Another good way to enhance the flow of Reiki Practitioners who received the Master Symbol.

What Happens After Reiki 2 Attunement

There are many wonderful distance learning package.Reiki is often remarked upon for the different sources of internal and environmental qi.There energy therapies associated with distance.In reading about Reiki energy to clear a space with Reiki is believed that this reiki has given you and the type of scan.There is a very natural evolution to represent the individual of the reasons why Reiki is available in hospitals.

These are sacred and should provide good manuals and references for you under any given place or scene, it could be opened in other fields, but not applicable.You may find the teacher of Reiki to lead a person survive, they are miles apart from you.stone in one day...but you will also begin learning the art of Reiki having a conversation with somebody who doesn't have that energy can do for them.If you doubt, leave this alone or read more about Reiki before moving on to another Reiki system will be taught at this level.Reiki is always flowing within you to raise your own spiritual, emotional, mental, physical or emotional issue within the healer visualises the patient, believing the doctor, that it is called the universal energy instantly, and using it intuitively.

#Reiki Power Symbol Stunning Cool Tips #What Happens During Reiki Attunement

[positivepsychologyinterventions]

Have You Run Out of Spoons? It’s Time to Replenish Your Energy Reserves

A few days ago, a friend indicated on her Facebook page that she had “run out of spoons” and asked for support and energy to be sent her way. I had heard the term but didn’t know what it meant, so I turned to Google and typed in those words and what came up was the explanation that came from a conversation between two friends, one of whom had Lupus.

Christine Miserandino was sitting at a table with her college roommate who asked her what it was like to have a disease that for many people would be considered invisible since overt symptoms may be elusive to the casual observer.

Christine pondered for an ever so brief moment and began gathering up spoons from their table and those around them. As she lay them out in front of her, she explained that at the beginning of any day, she would be given a dozen spoons. Each act, such as getting out of bed, showering, cooking, dressing, driving, going to work… would cost her a spoon.

Since they were limited, she needed to use them judiciously, not knowing what unplanned need could present itself. Some days there just weren’t enough of these utensils to go around and she needed to strategize.

I nodded knowingly as I read this, since as a therapist, I have clients who have all manner of physical and psychological conditions that call for them to count spoons. I started sharing the story with them and they nodded along with me.

Last week, I spoke at a meeting at a rehab for people who had experienced Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) “The top three causes are: car accident, firearms and falls.  Firearm injuries are often fatal: 9 out of 10 people die from their injuries.  Young adults and the elderly are the age groups at highest risk for TBI. Along with a traumatic brain injury, persons are also susceptible to spinal cord injuries which is another type of traumatic injury that can result out of vehicle crashes, firearms and falls. Prevention of TBI is the best approach since there is no cure.”

Most of the attendees at the meeting had experienced strokes. I was astounded at the resilience they exhibited. One was a yoga teacher who had partial paralysis on her left side and needed to move that arm with the functional right arm. She has returned to teaching part time from her wheelchair.

On my way over, I decided to incorporate the spoon theory into the presentation. It occurred to me to stop and pick up some plastic spoons to give to them as palpable reminders of the concept. There happened to be a convenience story around the corner, so I walked in and perused the aisles until I found bags of…. forks. Disappointed initially, I decided to add that concept to the mix, since sometimes, to paraphrase Alanis Morissette’s song “Ironic” — “It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.”

When the time came to use the analogy to explain what it might be like for them and their caregivers, I opened the bag and the forks went flying wildly. I scooped them up to the sound of their laughter. They agreed that at times in their own lives, they did run out of spoons, sometimes spoons were replaced with forks; the unexpected situations that might arise and at other times, even they were beyond their control and needed to be gathered together and being able to laugh at the absurdity of it all, made all the difference. I added the reminder that sometimes we just need to ‘fork it.’

A few days later, I was visiting a dear friend who is living with cancer. She has been resilient, doing what she can for herself and asking for assistance when needed. There are times when she suddenly runs out of spoons and wonders where she will find them when the proverbial utensil drawer is empty. That’s when resources present themselves. Before I left home, I took a spoon and fork, tied a red ribbon around them and wrote out a card that reminded her that there is always extra, just in case.

As a caregiver for family and friends over the years, and a professional caregiver for nearly four decades as a therapist, I too have a supply of spoons at my disposal each day that I expend by simply doing my job, let alone meeting personal needs and performing ADLs. I have told myself that I don’t have the luxury of running out of spoons, since I often feel that it is my role to be the one to dispense them and that I have an infinite supply. That belief has proved to be erroneous since in the past few years, I have experienced various health crises that could be attributed to being inattentive to my own spoon supply.

Ways to add spoons to your drawer:

Time with family and friends who sustain your energy and don’t drain it

Immersion in nature

Photography

Yoga

Meditation

Healthy food

Walking

Working out at the gym

Reading

Journaling

Engaging in hobbies

Gardening

Support group attendance

Massage

Hugs

Dancing

Napping

Listening to music

Singing

Drumming

Creative activities

Taking a bath

Playing games

Time with animals

Writing music

Adult coloring books

Going somewhere new

Movies

Reminding yourself of your accomplishments

Scrapbooking

Making a Vision Board

Having a good cry

Throwing a brief temper tantrum

Having a good laugh

Download a free copy of “The Spoon Theory” by Christine Miserandino in PDF format

Visit The Spoon Theory’s Facebook page

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2Bf9Mu9 via IFTTT

#IFTTT #World of Psychology

[psychotherapyconsultants]

Have You Run Out of Spoons? It’s Time to Replenish Your Energy Reserves

A few days ago, a friend indicated on her Facebook page that she had “run out of spoons” and asked for support and energy to be sent her way. I had heard the term but didn’t know what it meant, so I turned to Google and typed in those words and what came up was the explanation that came from a conversation between two friends, one of whom had Lupus.

Christine Miserandino was sitting at a table with her college roommate who asked her what it was like to have a disease that for many people would be considered invisible since overt symptoms may be elusive to the casual observer.

Christine pondered for an ever so brief moment and began gathering up spoons from their table and those around them. As she lay them out in front of her, she explained that at the beginning of any day, she would be given a dozen spoons. Each act, such as getting out of bed, showering, cooking, dressing, driving, going to work… would cost her a spoon.

Since they were limited, she needed to use them judiciously, not knowing what unplanned need could present itself. Some days there just weren’t enough of these utensils to go around and she needed to strategize.

I nodded knowingly as I read this, since as a therapist, I have clients who have all manner of physical and psychological conditions that call for them to count spoons. I started sharing the story with them and they nodded along with me.

Last week, I spoke at a meeting at a rehab for people who had experienced Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) “The top three causes are: car accident, firearms and falls.  Firearm injuries are often fatal: 9 out of 10 people die from their injuries.  Young adults and the elderly are the age groups at highest risk for TBI. Along with a traumatic brain injury, persons are also susceptible to spinal cord injuries which is another type of traumatic injury that can result out of vehicle crashes, firearms and falls. Prevention of TBI is the best approach since there is no cure.”

Most of the attendees at the meeting had experienced strokes. I was astounded at the resilience they exhibited. One was a yoga teacher who had partial paralysis on her left side and needed to move that arm with the functional right arm. She has returned to teaching part time from her wheelchair.

On my way over, I decided to incorporate the spoon theory into the presentation. It occurred to me to stop and pick up some plastic spoons to give to them as palpable reminders of the concept. There happened to be a convenience story around the corner, so I walked in and perused the aisles until I found bags of…. forks. Disappointed initially, I decided to add that concept to the mix, since sometimes, to paraphrase Alanis Morissette’s song “Ironic” — “It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.”

When the time came to use the analogy to explain what it might be like for them and their caregivers, I opened the bag and the forks went flying wildly. I scooped them up to the sound of their laughter. They agreed that at times in their own lives, they did run out of spoons, sometimes spoons were replaced with forks; the unexpected situations that might arise and at other times, even they were beyond their control and needed to be gathered together and being able to laugh at the absurdity of it all, made all the difference. I added the reminder that sometimes we just need to ‘fork it.’

A few days later, I was visiting a dear friend who is living with cancer. She has been resilient, doing what she can for herself and asking for assistance when needed. There are times when she suddenly runs out of spoons and wonders where she will find them when the proverbial utensil drawer is empty. That’s when resources present themselves. Before I left home, I took a spoon and fork, tied a red ribbon around them and wrote out a card that reminded her that there is always extra, just in case.

As a caregiver for family and friends over the years, and a professional caregiver for nearly four decades as a therapist, I too have a supply of spoons at my disposal each day that I expend by simply doing my job, let alone meeting personal needs and performing ADLs. I have told myself that I don’t have the luxury of running out of spoons, since I often feel that it is my role to be the one to dispense them and that I have an infinite supply. That belief has proved to be erroneous since in the past few years, I have experienced various health crises that could be attributed to being inattentive to my own spoon supply.

Ways to add spoons to your drawer:

Time with family and friends who sustain your energy and don’t drain it

Immersion in nature

Photography

Yoga

Meditation

Healthy food

Walking

Working out at the gym

Reading

Journaling

Engaging in hobbies

Gardening

Support group attendance

Massage

Hugs

Dancing

Napping

Listening to music

Singing

Drumming

Creative activities

Taking a bath

Playing games

Time with animals

Writing music

Adult coloring books

Going somewhere new

Movies

Reminding yourself of your accomplishments

Scrapbooking

Making a Vision Board

Having a good cry

Throwing a brief temper tantrum

Having a good laugh

Download a free copy of “The Spoon Theory” by Christine Miserandino in PDF format

Visit The Spoon Theory’s Facebook page

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/have-you-run-out-of-spoons/

#World of Psychology

[theblog888]

Passion and profit are at odds with each other.

At least this is how I see it in my own life, and I feel absolutely justified in maintaining this stance. This isn't necessarily the case for everybody, but I am all too familiar with my own tendencies to dawdle and procrastinate while I figure out how to work through technical details and business skills required for making a profit off of my creative expressions. This hampers creativity and initiative, because I feel I would be concerning myself more with wanting to make money and keep up an image than to be passionately writing, singing, vlogging or whatever else. Also taking into account that I myself am a freeloader, I never disable adblock unless forced to, I never buy things from or give donations to content creators, and begging or soliciting donations in general is not something I would want to do.

If I don't concern myself with monetizing or marketing my creations at all, then I can focus solely on the works themselves. I do believe I am exceptionally talented in many ways, and many which are not even yet known to me, but feel as if there is no clear cut path to both actualize and capitalize on any of my talents- unless I happen to meet the right people, but that is super unlikely as an avoidant, emotionally inverted NEET INTP. I have read about actors and musicians who are extremely talented, yet they need other people to help them with anything technical, anything outside purely being the artist. This is exactly how I see my own potential.

In my jobs as a grocery clerk, it was all simple and straightforward: basically put products on the shelf, move oldest to the front and remove expired product, clean up after yourself, store excess product in the backstock area, show people where things are, take special requests and call other stores whenever asked. It seems I lack the specific type of intelligence and/or concentration ability to succeed at anything more technically advanced than that.

Everything is all so complicated, layers upon layers of complexity beyond simply performing a service and receiving commensurate compensation. I simply cannot navigate this confusing system, this present day economy, unless everything is spelled out for me in clear step by step processes that can be acted upon instantly, or all that stuff is just taken care of for me. Certainly I will acknowledge the possibility that I can be able to learn any such skills, but my reluctance and resistance to is well founded, since all the hours I would have to spend of researching and applying everything I need to business savvy and technically skilled would change my brain in ways that would negatively impact the very passions I want to tap into.

And it is a moot point anyway, since I am sure I lack the attention span, types of intelligence and other personality traits to actually learn such skills, and it is doubtful any of my creative projects would be profitable at all. Not to mention that some ideas which seem so brilliant at one time may seem trivial or even ridiculous a month later.  A good example of this was my "comfort products" review channel idea, where I would begin by reviewing things I already have like my bed, mattress topper, pillow, body pillow, blanket, chair and computer keyboard. I don't reasonably expect to make much money off of running YouTube ads (which most people including myself block anyway) and posting affiliate links with my videos when available. It seemed like such a grand idea and a true passion project less than a month ago, but now it just seems like it would just be "talking for the sake of talking" rather than giving people useful information, reviews would be redundant, mostly just stating the obvious, and I also would quickly run out of things to review.

Labeling such sentiments as a "limiting beliefs" won't change a thing. Accusing others of holding a limiting belief is what new age yuppie types born into material privilege, or those who just got lucky, tend to do instead of admitting that life is not fair, that other people have internal and external limitations that cannot be overcome by thinking your way around them. I am a master of subjective framing, but that only works to control how your perceive yourself and the world around, It does not change the material world. My own mechanisms of molding reality to my will are passive and effortless, they are all about being, not doing.

When it comes down to it though, I must admit that I really don't want to concern myself with things like making websites, fine-tuning audio/video content, marketing myself, and running a business. I just want to live passionately, and having to master those types of skills is antithetical to my resolve to just be present and live passionately. This was always the case, and I don't think it could ever change. The most clear example is school, where I would often enjoy learning things from the teacher/professor, presentations in class, and the reading material, but having to wake up to an alarm to sit in a classroom much of the day 5 days a week, leaving school only to have complete assignments many be miserable, dispassionate, drained, apathetic, jaded, depressed. This really feels like the embodiment of my "lazy but talented" syndrome. I can only be my best self, and create my best art, give my best performance, when I am free to go to sleep and wake up whenever my body (and the sleeping environment) will let me, and I work on my own schedule, free to take it super slow with frequent breaks, or stay up all night passionately creating things because I am so engrossed in the activity I don't want to go to bed.

These are all just reflective self-analyses I reached without any emotional value attached, I am only looking at what is. I often suspect that when neurotypicals read my writing, which is devoid of emotional meaning unless specified, they misunderstand my objective, matter-of-fact analytical style as being depressed, self-deprecating, neurotic or  whatever else they imagine. It is one of those things that I might want to put as a disclaimer with everything I ever write, just in case someone misinterprets it form a frame of reacting emotionally rather than thinking critically. With this case-in-point, I also must accept that I may not be as talented at a thing, or anything at all, as I might imagine. I wouldn't really be surprised if that was the case, since I have never really found anything outside myself that I've felt passionate about, or derived meaning or purpose from. In this perspective it makes sense how other people would get little to no value from my writing, since it is writing my myself for myself, as a useful tool of pondering, reflecting and exploring the internal world, and external world through my own filters.  Likewise, I often wonder if when I talk to other people, even those I'd consider close friends, I'm merely using them as a sounding board for my own ideas about things, not providing any direct value to them. Then again, I should not assume that other look at relationships as transactional, and they actually enjoy my interactions and companionship even if my being self-absorbed is readily apparent.

Perhaps no one will ever read this blog except me, and it will be just my own personal journal. Which is perfectly fine, and the main reason I began writing here. I have no fantasies, illusions or delusions that I can expect to ever make money as a writer. Or singer, or actor, or voice artist, or ergonomist, philosopher.

The silver lining Is that keeping up with the writing is helping me grow by leaps and bunds, both because it helps me clear out things that have been accumulating in my mind for a long time, sometimes over a decade, so that space is freed up for new developments in my mental studio, and that writing things out as opposed to just thinking about them in my head lays it all out in front of me, so it is much easier to explore things further, and maybe actually reach conclusions and solve problems during the writing process.

And I do imagine that there are many unexpected ways in which following my passions and creating what I envision will lead to many unforeseen opportunities for improving my life on a material/financial level as well. The most obvious being that I am making things I can showcase, and if the right people encounter them, perhaps some will recognize my talent, even feel deeply touched by my very essence, they could lead me to opportunities to actualize what I envision- given free reign to live passionately and create my heart's desires, while also making money, while all the technical and business details are taken care of for me. But this is not something I will even consider, for now it is just a fantasy, perhaps one I will look back upon as being as delusional as going back in time or starting my own country. Meanwhile, I intend to just focus on being my best self, living passionately, self-actualizing, understanding the world within and the nature of humanity even more. I will not worry, things will be all right, it will all work out. This is my reality, this is what I am attracting and embodying. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Generally the worst that can happen is death, and so no matter what, my experience will always be that of living the life I want, because I believe that I already am.

#writing #passion #laziness #self reflection #self-reflection #blogging #smart but #lazy #smart but lazy #talented but lazy #NEET