#me: i dont have the mental energy to do shit rn

[yikes-ajax]

I dont have a clever and witty sarcastic comment tonight, I just think she's cute

#my brain isnt working rn its 3am ive been reading fanfics while hyperventilating over the irreparable damage i managed with my limited life #tee hee im just kinda feeling moody tonight 🤪 #somebody please ban me from tumblr between 1am to 11am i do not function as a stable person between those times #i schedule my mental breakdowns they work really well with my schedule #its multitasking cause I'll already be up from insomnia its really efficient in the grand scheme of things #ah i love the fact that nobody can stop me from writing the most deranged shit in the tags of a cute cat pic <3 #animals #petblr #cat #cat life #cat lovers #catblr #my cat #cat photos #cat pictures #cats of tumblr #calico #calico cat #OH UH THATS WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY FOR AMERICANS THE REASON IM SAYING ITS NIGHT WHEN THIS IS POSTED DURING THE DAY IS BECAUSE ITS QUEUED #i queue most stuff because i dont usually have the energy or time to be active at good times #i get little bursts of post motivation and dont wanna flood my 9 followers (at least 6 are dirty bots) with my bs #im just a dumbass that never tags shit

[crest-of-gautier]

made an eeny bit of progress in pq today... im like maybe 80% through the 3rd floor of you in wonderland and currently level 11...!

#pq #lizz.jpg #lizz.txt #i love how i say 'eeny' as if i did not play for like four hours. LOL.. i think i wanna play in smaller chunks next time #yall... i have so much fear of those gosh darn card soldiers... i dont want to know what my life is going to be like if they give f.o.e.s- #more gimmicks... THEY ARENT BAD I JUST. I REALLY DONT LIKE THE F.O.E. STARING AT ME #my (ougouoguough) of the f.o.e.s is so real that if i have energy i would totally make a doodle about it #dont really have much interesting things 2 report... i think next play session ill probably end up finishing the labryinth #it seems pretty close to done tbh esp since i stopped b4 the room with the three fucking f.o.e.s and im like #'i do not have the mental energy to figure out how to do this' (they say and proceed to write a text wall) #and im guessing we'll get to see the investigation team after finishing the labryinth? #the games being like REALLY silly right now but im like. squinting so hard at zen and rei you have NO idea how sus these guys are to me #not to go against my 'im not intelligent on this blog' policy but theres something about a thing that elizabeth said early on thats like #alerting the lizz sus radars. she said something like you wouldnt find living humans here and that they might theoretically be an entity- #that merged w/personas and shadows AND TO ME THIS IS A HGUE RED FLAG??? #LIKE.... me just looking at how RYOJI fucking mochizuki is a thing and im like “ah i see now why they set it before ryoji” BECAUSE !!! AAA #because at this point sees wouldn't have met an entity like ryoji who is fucking shadow that is humanized by minato so uh like #if they met ryoji and were past dec 2 AND THEN PQ'D IT UP then they'd look at zen and rei in addition to what elizabeth said #then IDK WHAT IM SAYING BUT LIKE ZEN AND REI HAVE TO BE SOME KINDA ENTITY AND I DONT KNOW WHAT #for shits and giggles ill say death bc i like death as a thematic thing LMAOOO im a really delulu little guy rn dont talk to me #um. im being really normal right now yeah uh this should've gone under a read more oops ill do that next time #for my own sanity i will NOT go into what thoughts are brewing in my head (hypothezing what time the p4 cast was pulled from- #BUT ALSO THE WAY TEDDIE ALSO falls into elizabeth's description UGH screams into. a bucket.) #anyway for. something. thats not me spitballing i hope that i can see yosuke soon.. i want him in my party!!!! #i rlly like the game mechanics and while zen and rei have been great 2 start with they cant equip subpersonas... ough #ok thats. thats all. i did not expect to text ramble but (THIS IS ME WE ARE TALKING ABOUT i cannot shut up) #im having fun though!!!! its been nice to play smthn else for once LMAO i wonder how much ill get through b4 the month ends

[diegoshargrieves]

wow three days back on this account and im already venting.

#i know my mom is trying her best i know things suck for her rn but why doesnt she get that she doesnt have monopoly over the #family mental illness quota like i fucking stg. istg. two days ago i break down in front of her and she's all nice and telling me that #my mental health matters and she knows things are hard for me and im all traumatized and i csnt keep ignoring it and i have to take care of #myself because i need to prioritize myself and today she's bitching because she needed to call me in for Job Work Student Stuff #and i was less than enthusiastic and she tried to talk with me about my attitude and i was like 'its literally taking every ounce of energy #i have not to off myself rn and to deal with my own shit and you want me to deal with everyone else's' #cue the discussion about how i dont even do that much anymore and if Anyone has the right to be mentally ill its HER and im never around #for her anymore when she needs me and oh im talking about offing myself but i also give myself personal time and talk to my friends #and its just. oh my god i fucking hate this and i hate everythign. you win i guess? mental illness go poof

[snekdood]

Bitches on here be like "haha! I read this callout about you and i told everyone around me to ostracize you and ignore you and the reason you're alone is divinely orchestrated karma, of course, surely not me and my hand in manipulating people to hate you, surely this is some sort of divine intervention and not a smear campaign that i try to justify my actions with "its gods will" with"

#do yall ever consider the karma *YOU* will acquire for treating me this way over someone elses lies about me? #bc something tells me whatever im going through rn. that you think i shoulda killed myself over... well babe. #i got some bad news for you and how karma works. lmao #and oh baby it hurtsm oh mam am i just suffering so hard. #my body aches all the time. i dissociate constantly. #well. when it happens to you and you're all alone with no support yknow.... hope you figure it out :/ #hope the karma doesnt hit you too hard :/ #at least im strong enough to not let all of this shit make me go fully insane. doubtful for yall tho lmao #and im going to give just as little fucks about yall writhing in your mental agony as you have for me :)! #oh and uh. dont think karma will be light on you just because 'you didnt know you were being lied to 🥺' #aww.. poor you... but anyways yeah when you fuck w someones life even if you realize you did it over someone elses lie... kinda feel like #you're not gonna get out of hurting someone else so much that easily. kinda feel like thats not gonna happen for you. #kinda feel like the energy is eye for an eye not eye for an acknowledgement of your actions and regretting them. #but who knows. i guess it really depends on who you are. how sorry you actually am. how much you understand what you did and how you hurt #someone. all of that sorta stuff will decide how bad your karma is. #so ig. hopefully its nothing too bad !

[lightningfilledsaber]

missing my close friendships and how I used to have the energy to maintain them while also reminding myself that part of the reason I don’t have that energy anymore/right now is because that very energy was actively exploited by my “best friend” of Several Years for their own benefit

:pensive:

#lol #not to mention that said ''best friend's'' girlfriend didn't have the emotional maturity to own up to her mistakes #and neither gave enough of a fuck to actively do better #like hm why dont i have the energy to maintain my remaining friendships and attempt to become closer to others lol. right. that #your best friend only ever paying attention to you to treat you like a chauffer and otherwise literally avoiding you after you've realized- #-that they're you're FP (bpd stuff) and literally explicitly told them that will do that. lol #then. lol. a half assed apology ''I'm sorry I wasn't there for you'' when i FINALLY get the courage to cut them off. WOW. THANKS SO MUCH. #THAT REALLY HELPS *NOW* AFTER WE ALREADY HAD THE CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW YOU WERE TREATING ME LIKE SHIT *MONTHS AGO* #not to mention that their girlfriend was too much of a fucking coward to face me in person so i could properly cut her off instead of a text #''sorry our schedules didn't line up =( genuinely wish you the best'' #YEAH OKAY #bullshit on bullshit #if you fucking wished me the best you wouldn't have INTENTIONALLY crossed MULTIPLE boundaries #in one case. lol. LITERAL SECONDS AFTER I TOLD YOU I NEEDED SPACE BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO SCREAM AT YOU #WHEN YOU HAVE TOLD ME AND I KNOW DAMN WELL PEOPLE YELLING AT YOU IS A TRIGGER FOR YOU. #THAT'S YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME INTO THE BAD GUY DIPSHIT. ''mike I would never do that to you'' YOU ARE LITERALLY ACTIVELY TRYING TO DO THAT RN #and yknow the other reason is that i literally work 12 hour shifts and ~40 hour work weeks so #3/4ths of my time on this planet is spent working or sleeping. like yeah no shit i have no energy #im not only physically drained i'm also mentally and emotionally drained lol #anyway sorry for the pity party i'm just. so fucking tired of avoiding talking about this publicly #mud rambles #like i know i mentioned it before but i havent really gone into any depth so. i deserve to talk about it more

[moonlitsnail]

oh to not be traumatized....

#personal #been rlly anxious all week but today its like bad bad #probably should cry it out this evening? i know thatll fix it i just havent wanted to #started doing smthn for my mental health this week thats been insanely hard and i know itll be good for me once im thru #but currently its making me v v anxious #and that was not helped by being triggered abt an hr ago so im like..staving off a panic attack on my lunch rn #its mostly just like. i know other ppl would not have the same reactions i do to stupid shit and i know im behaving normally enough so ppl #dont know but also im gonna be exhausted tonight for sure bc it takes so much energy to maintain normal #this trigger feels like such a stretch too like cmon really? why are we doin this? logically i know its nothing but ugh

[pyrriax]

what if i just waited to post stuff until i've got my current three Ideas written

just post em all back to back and then sleep for a week

[ !! venting in the tags !! ]

#haunted ecosystem #haunt's feeling: a lil burnt out! been writing a bunch for literally going on four months stragiht #i mean the state of the world is NOT helping with this fact. plus also uuuuuuh trauma anniversary kicking me in the nuts rn #normally i dont mention that shit but it is def hitting me hard. we stay silly tho i'm just mega tired rn #might just designate myself a two week break again and relax a lil. i've been on a like. kinda drawing kick? i hate drawing though #i really wanna just watch another pov of outsiders and just think abt silly aus. i love coming up with stuff for wtds but ALSO i just. wa. #lotta thoughts. words just arent quite working! #we're approaching the final stretch and so much of this is so specific in my head that i don't wanna mess it up #also like this one stupid comment that wasn't even mean is just eat at me and i wish it wasn't lol #usually the comments are just funny but like. idk. it was a neutral/negative thing and was the first response i heard abt that chapter #which sucks! i love chapter 20! it was half the fucking reason i wanted to write wtds! #i wanted to share what lead up to that :( i wanted to share the story and the everything and just. ugh. #that stupid comment had me rethinking posting it. which. sucks. #rsd hits like bricks when you aren't mentally prepared for negative feedback #uuuuuuuuh #sorry i just. needed to say it #sorry for venting in tags </3 #ok yeah my words are just giving up on me im gonna just close my laptop and go do. something #maybe just watch some streams and remake my bed. #that reminds me i really should stop sleeping on the floor. that's more mental energy than i have rn though so. #i guess i'll change the sheets and see how i feel. not being on the floor would probably be a good idea #ok im just gonna #added a warning in the post lol #normally i try and keep my blog light hearted!! i want to keep my blog light hearted but. sometimes its just how it is #i might end up scrapping some of the work i did because i accidentally projected some shit onto pandora that. doesnt fit ig? #it was an accident but it happened anyway #love the lines. not sure they work. #i should finish that one fic that's been rotting in my drafts. c!emduo is something i haven't written in literally a year #project on a character i CAN project on. #anyways i'm gonna post this and just. close tumblr. im tired

[l-e-g-i-o-n-losh]

Back to work in a minute losing my mind a little at the continual refusal to acknowledge that i actually lost my mind long before it was even mine and that things can be hard and annoying for both of us at the same time. Its fine though. Please imagine me screaming so it can go into the internet and not actually through my lungs and voice.

#songs that the hyades shall sing #dads new favorite thing is ''you're acting crazy rn idk why you're so crazy but you have to be normal bc *I* dont have energy for it'' #which. NO SHIT SHERLOCK. LIKE YOU DIDNT DRIVE ME GODDAMN HALFWAY ACROSS THE STATE EVERY WEEK FOR INTENSIVE OUTPATIENT. #LIKE YOU DIDNT SEND ME TO THERAPY BEFORE MY SCHOOLS EVEN STARTED MANDATING IT. WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS STABLE??? #YOU'VE ONLY KNOWN ME MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. #like its fine and even technically true i DO need to swallow my pride and respond quicker we DONT have time to stop working #but FUCKS SAKE. mayyyybeee just possiblyyyy im acting crazy BECAUSE OF THE LIFETIME OF COMPOUNDING MENTAL ILLNESS AND CRISIS AFTER CRISIS #CONSIDER that emotions are difficult for OTHER people to carry too even if you are having a hard time with yours.

[msallurea]

Things I'm manifesting

-Everything from my notes/Dream life (this just basically everything😭)

-Dream face

-Dream body

-Lighter prettier eyes

-Caramel brown skin (think goldenbih)

-Being 5'1 in a half + weighing 110lbs

-Smaller prettier feet, hands, toes, nails

-3b curls/perfect hair

-Lighter hair with caramel highlights

-Freckles + Beauty marks

-Natural makeup appearance

-Dream wardrobe/Fashion/Aesthetic

-Dream mansion + living in luxury city

-Being famous/celebrity/superstar/popstar

-Desired talents/talented at everything

-Being an it girl + sex symbol + muse + vixen (yall get it 😭)

-Being master manifestor + perfect pretty self concept (even tho technically I already am this its just like why not? Ya know😭)

-Dream parents/family + Being an only child (I'm sick of this sibling shit 😒) + radiate and embody hot older sister energy (just cuz I don't wanna be a older sister no more doesn't mean i dont still want the energy😭)

-Prettier handwriting +top notch writing skills/communication skills/over the top intelligence/stupidly high IQ(basically just the brainsy gyal)

-perfect 50/50 HD eye sight + looking hot asf in any pair of glasses (I wanna not be blind but still be fine)

-Prettier whiter teeth and pinker tongue and gums and just dental/mouth in general + OP top notch hygiene skills (I feel people who have bipolar depression understand this part)

-better mental health + no mental health issues + no anxiety/fearful etc

- balanced hormones + increased estrogen(as a girl I have wayy too much testosterone n I've been insecure about it for years)

-perfect coochani + OP coochanini skills (ummm so this is just self explanatory but honestly if yk yk 😭)

-Naturally smell like my desired scent (which is basically like a bakery n just so deliciously annoyingly sweet and seductive; but remember how I said I have too much testosterone gor my body to handle yea..ifykyk😭)

-No more sweating (I don't sweat excessive I just hate it period)

-top notch crystal clean health + no more constipation + no longer pooping n its healthy (ik somebody gon question me but those who suffer from severe constipation especially for me its been my whole life u understand where I'm coming from)

- desired voice + accent + unique lingo n slang etc

-Desired personality + persona + aura + vibe etc etc

-super flexibility skills

-unbearably photogenic videogenic audiogenic + always looking perfect naturally

-Desired school, friends, lover, etc + school it girl

-Speak/know already desired languages

-drivets license, car, motorcycle, etc etc

-Be intimidatingly wealthy (when I say wealthy I mean WEALTHYYYYY) + come from a family of aristocrats + wealthy generational family in general (yall know what I'm tryna say) + luxury etc etc

-Revised life and childhood

-Dream singing + rapping skills + song writing etc

-Good in all sports like frfr just good at everything (basically the perfect it girl)

-Be a Gazillion times better then Kokomi teruhashi (not tryna be self centered i promise🥲)

-Perfect life + graduation + live teenage fever dream

-Bald, completely hairless body and face (but keeping my brows, lashes and scalp hair)

It's more I just can't think of it rn but this is all I will be manifesting

How will I manifest all this?

So for me I'm not really tryna overcomplicate any more I'm just gonna go straight back to the basics n apply what I know which is choose what I desire, affirm/assume its done and persist. I already overconsumed so much and at this point it's a waste of time. I'm not really tryna do no challenges I'm just gonna focus strictly on trusting and having faith not just in myself but my imagination and subconscious thats its done n taken care of, I'll give yall updates on anything that happens soon! I love you guyssss💗💗💗

Affirmations I'll be using

-I have all of my desires from my notes

-I am living my dream life

-it is done

-I choose to live my new story, my old story no longer exist

#law of assumption #manifestation #manifesting #neville goddard #affirm and persist #affirmations #MsAllurea

[v-arbellanaris]

PLEASE share about the Cullen Cult Arc

sighs. this is my second time writing this post ;~; literally why does the autosave option exist if tumblr doesnt actually bother to autosave anything, i dont fucking get it.

this is going to be much briefer than the original post i wrote because im still REELING over how tumblr just ate the entire fucking post. its fucking gone. and idk if i have the energy or mental capacity rn to rewrite the whole thing. basically, this arc - which is the arc i developed for him in vee verse - is the arc i think cullen should've had in dai.

firstly, i'm not retconning anything he said or did in dao or da2. this is because those things serve a narrative purpose. cullen is a good templar - that's the entire crux of the problem. he exists in these two games as a narrative tool; he represents the views of the chantry. as such, anything you do with his character arc cannot be divorced from the reality of the mage/templar conflicts, and the glaring issues of the chantry and must, actually, address and involve those things, because cullen is a product of his surroundings. i'm not saying this to minimise or give him excuses for anything he's said or done, but that is made true for him by his very positioning in the narrative as being the chantry's voice. for most of my playthroughs, which lean pro-mage, cullen is an antagonistic force - he has to say and do horrific things, and it would be stupid for me to retcon the horrible things he did.

secondly, my main issue comes from his writing in dai - probably to no one's surprise. i am not unopposed to having a redemption arc for him in dai - this is villain-fucking the blog, sorry not sorry - but the problem is that he does not have one. to have a redemption arc, the following two things needs to happen:

the realisation/acknowledgement/knowledge/whatever that he caused harm to people with his actions/inactions

addressing the False Belief that he has embraced that has previously justified his harmful actions/inactions in order to accept the Truth (this is just basic character narrative construction).

and dai fails to do both of these because the writing team in inquisition is physically incapable of admitting the chantry is wrong and has done wrong and will continue to do wrong. they are physically incapable of looking at fucked up power dynamics and clear cases of oppression and not going "but what if the oppressed people. wanted to be oppressed. NEEDED to be oppressed, even."

which leaves his character arc - whether you want to consider it redemptive or not - confusing. he's trying to shake a lyrium addiction? sure, okay. but why is he addicted to lyrium? why is being addicted to regular ol' lyrium bad? it's not blue lyrium that killed meredith, it's not blue lyrium that corypheus and samson are using.

you get confusing things like cullen's entire character arc being centered around lyrium addiction... but no one seems to give a shit if the inquisitor takes lyrium and becomes a templar, except cullen. you get confusing things like cullen's entire character arc being centered around recovering from lyrium addiction and the templar route in dai and you get to the scene where all the templars get their lyrium draughts. the ceremony and chanting and celebration around getting the lyrium, when barris takes his draught, which is frankly revolting. but it highlights the inconsistency - lyrium, this scene tells us, is good. because the templars are good, and they use it for good. yet cullen's entire arc is about overcoming his lyrium addiction, but don't worry!!!! templars are still good and lyrium is still good. its fucking INCOHERENT!!!!!!

he is addicted to lyrium because that is how the chantry maintains absolute control over its templars. it is a mind-altering substance that causes paranoia, which the chantry specifically takes advantage of and feeds with their all mages are inherently dangerous rhetoric, which is a false rhetoric, as i've pointed out before. but instead of acknowledging any of that, dai's writing goes "lyrium is Bad because [mumble mumble] and its So Important that he doesn't take it so that [mumble mumble]".

because the story is physically incapable of uttering anything even vaguely critical of the chantry.

so, this covers my main issue with his writing in dai. i would ideally try to fix it - without retconning anything he did in dao or in da2. this is what the cullen cult recovery arc is referring to.

i'm not going to go into it in too much detail but the templar order - inclusive of the seekers - fits a lot of the parameters of a cult. specifically, the BITE model, but also this checklist, and a whole bunch of other parameters i found when researching into cults for this specific reason. (which. makes sense. seeing how the orlesian chantry is was also technically a religious cult that becomes the main religion of the lands by actively slaughtering all the other sects)

but what's particularly interesting about it specifically is that, in-world, no one else seems to think it's a cult. for all of cullen's views, he is not the extreme end in da2 - alrik is. meredith is. what's particularly disturbing to me about cullen's point of view is that because he's a product of his environment, because he's a narrative tool representing the chantry's views, cullen's opinions and actions are actually a normality test. people in thedas don't find cullen's views repulsive because most average joes in thedas agree with him. i think it's easy to forget cullen isn't the outlier in-universe - we are.

but, canonically speaking, this is what happens: cullen, like most good antagonists getting a redemption set up, misses his chance to Embrace Change at the end of da2. he sides with meredith too late for it to matter or make a difference - mages (who you learn on the templar route, he's not exactly eager to kill) who he's supposed to protect are already dead. but what happens in kirkwall shakes him to his core and he looks to leave the order entirely - a good step.

the problem is that he leaves the order to join the inquisition. the inquisition, which is headed by the left and right hands of the divine. the right hand of the divine is a seeker herself. the inquisition is spearheaded and justified by the divine, who he has been trained for most his adult life to be subservient to. the divine who formed the inquisition to replace the templar order and hired him to essentially train and recreate the order.

worse, still. no one thinks he did anything wrong. kinloch was not his fault, it was the fault of greagoir and the older templars who were simply not vigilant enough, meredith told him. how he acted to keep order in the circle and the city after the viscount was executed is admirable, cassandra tells him. he was only following orders, leliana admits grudgingly, he stood up for what was right when meredith went too far. no one thinks he did anything wrong, because he is a good templar. because all the atrocities he committed were not committed against people - they were committed against mages, who are not people, not like you and me.

cullen hops from one cult to the next. the inquisition is the exact same thing he's always done and known, just repackaged - quite literally, considering the inquisition's symbol. but canonically, he thinks it's something different. he wants it to be different.

it's not, though.

so, the thought process behind my thoughts for him boils down to this: how does he get the language to describe exactly why this is wrong? how does he get the language to describe why it matters, why it's important, that he hurt real people? how does he get past the Lie that he believes - that he has to be a good templar, to stop anything like kinloch from happening again, since kinloch happened because they weren't vigilant enough, because they were too sympathetic to mages?

his arc shouldn't have just been about overcoming lyrium addiction. his arc should have been a story about recovering from being part of a hate group, a story about recovering from part of a cult.

there's several ways to go about it, i think. and if you want to specifically know how i'm going to do it, you guys should encourage me to write vee verse 😌

#asks #vee rewrites da #admittedly i cheated a bit but i gotta leave SOMETHING for the fic!!!! #cullen critical #just in case #bioware critical #dai critical

[reiningsoral]

i fucken hate having adhd sometime usually im all "oh haha adhd hell brain make it hard to sit normal and study" but the side that isnt talked about is the depressive episodes, periods of absolutely no motivation, executive dysfunction, forgetting to take care of yourself, and having to choose between self care or productiveness because GOD FORBIT you want to have enough energy to do both. stress is an absolute nightmare because not only does my brain already not produce the normal amount of dopamine but it practically crumbles when i have to think about anything more complex than fucking 2+2. i cant find the energy to do the things i want to do, let alone things i dont, doing homework causes near actual pain and if im understimulated then oh well guess it's back to skin picking and blasting music through earbuds loud enough to give me genuine hearing problems late in life. my dopamine levels are at an all time fucking low and MIDTERMS arent fucking helping either.

i just hate that the rep for adhd is just "I WANNA DO THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND- SQUIRREL!!" even though it's way more complicated than that because, again, this shit is a mental disorder. okay? it's not "quirky" and it's not an excuse. no. it affects our lives daily and how we live.

anyway yeah sorry for the long angsty post but im going through some mental illness shit rn and i dont wanna talk to anyone i know irl right now

#adhd #the bad side of it i mean #mental health #mental illness #depressive episode #ill be fine tomorrow and if not then i will next week #this shit aint permanent you dont need to comfort me #im in therapy #so it's all good #ive written this down so i can bring it up with her #ill be okay #you're not alone

[semiotomatics]

cant sleep as uʒ, gonna wordvomit if you dont mind

its really fucking scary to notice yourself changing. like, even if its good changes. idk maybe its just me and my hyper-rigid sense of self but like. i need to be able to feel like i understand myself, and when that understanding starts to slip it. uhh. it freaks me out a lil.

honestly that was one of the scariest parts of finally going on medication for my mental issues. like, do i want to be happy and have energy and not be scared and vaguely suicidal all the time? yes, of course i do. but theres a part of me thats also like. but thats all ive ever known. thats who i am. when you take it away whats gonna fill the empty space?

and like. i kinda feel like im starting to find out. i mean, im still not cured by any stretch of the imagination, but i have noticed improvements, as well as just. changes (neutral). or maybe its changes (terrifying). changes in how i feel, how i think, what i want.

like. for example. ive considered myself ace since the day i first heard the word as a teen, and tho my romantic orientation has always been kinda ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, ive been considering myself aro for all intents and purposes for years. and i love being aroace. its genuinely a vital aspect of my identity. it feels right. but yeah. lately there have been changes.

and that was exactly what i was worried would happen! cause "you're not aro/ace, youre just depressed" is such a common aro/acephobic argument, one that i myself have been told and have argued against, even though i realized it was technically a possibility.

and i know theres nothing wrong with it if that does end up being the case here. i know it doesnt invalidate my aroaceness up till now, i know it doesnt invalidate anyone else's aro/aceness, i know its okay. but still. im scared of the change.

so yeah, thats a bit of what ive been grappling with for the past few weeks. as things stand now, i still consider myself aroace, i just. want a different kind of relationship rn than ive ever wanted before. whether it would be considered romantic or queerplatonic or what i dont know.

i also have no idea at all how to go about actually, like, getting that kind of relationship. all of a sudden all the allo media ive consumed makes so much more sense to me. this shits hard!! by comparison being aroace is a goddamn piece of cake (pun absolutely intended).

anyway. yeah. i always seem to have these thoughts at night when i cant sleep, and i just. needed to get them out. if youve read this far, you have my sincere admiration 💚 im gonna go collapse into a ball and try to figure out what the fuck i want in life lol

#this has been an original post #personal spewage #idk man #theres too many potential tags for this #and i am le tired #ill come back and add tags tmrw #feelings n stuff

[xoxitgirl]

mental transmutation — changing ur thoughts 101 🎀

Tbh I didnt realize manifesting was so easy until I started getting rid of limiting beliefs. likeee “you have to work hard for money or you cant just quit jobs and be okay. working to live is the only way 2 live. being successful is for those who work hard..”

bullshit. its all mental, its all a mindset. yall think jeff bozo working hard rn???? no he got millions of lil henchmen doing that shit for him. you gotta start having these subconscious thoughts of, “im worth wayyy more than $15 an hour. Im fucking priceless. I don’t need to work to make money. I don’t look for money, money looks for me. Money is attracted to me. I always have money because money is simply in love with me and the way I treat it.” the more you focus on the lack the more that lacking energy will feed into your 3d. you’re lacking absolutely nothing.

look at 5 things around you that make you happy/you can be grateful for. now imagine those 5 things are your desires currently. what does it feel like having them? is your inner child hella happy rn? what emotions are you feeling? start answering questions like that when you feel in doubt instead of reaffirming what you dont want. all these influencers and celebrities aren’t self doubting or feeling worried about wether their dreams are going to come true or not. your current thoughts can morph your desired reality into your present/future in literal seconds so focus on what it is you do want and what it feels like to have it.

#manifesting #manifesation #subliminals #affirmations #law of assumption #law of attraction #neville goddard #subliminal community #belief system #higher self #kybalion #esoteria

[felix-3002]

i don't know if anyone will even see this at all, but if you do happen to come across this, I'm so sorry for this absolute bummer of a story. if you don't have the energy or mental capacity rn to read about a traumatic even im currently gking through, then please don't read this. sorry in advance abiut typos or mistakes, im extremely tired and emotional atm. this afternoon, a fire broke out in a town very close to my home. this isn't uncommon for where i live, since it's the middle of summer and wildfires are just a Thing here. after observing the fire slowly getting closer and bigger for a little while, we decided to grab important things like money, IDs, phones and drinking water and just start walking in the opposite direction of where the fire was coming from. we didn't have a car available at that moment, bc someone was using it. we sat and watched the fire from further away for about two hours, as we didn't really have much of a choice. we witnessed it get worse by the minute, with more black smoke rising up every time we dared to hope that it might be going okay. after quite a while, we managdc to get ahold of the person who had our car, and he was able to pick us up aboht half an hour later. I'll go ahead and skip way forward, because right now the fire has been going strong for nine whole hours already. i cant go home, i dont know if there even is a home to go back to. people have been babying me and pitying me all night and i am having a horrible time trying to holf myself together. i am currently having to spend the night at someone elses place, someone who i barely know, but who has been so kind and helpful throughout this whole shit show of a day. i am having an incredibly difficult time dealjng with my emotions right now, amd i dont want to bother my best friend with this at the moment, since she lives in a different country, is currently drunk and gets very emotional wheneved she knows that im in trouble or in distress. im sorry, i just needed to sort of. talk about stuff, ig. sorry about my writing, english is my third language, and like i said, im exhausted and insanely emotional right now. im going to try and get to sleep, because i really dont want to be awake anymore. lets hope i still have a home tomorrow.

[thegeminisage]

ok, i only have an hour at most, but i've been informed the way forward is to the castle, so...gulp, yikes, jinkies, zoinks, etc

OKAY WELL.

firstly i tried to be funny and start at the top bc i knew. and i was right. that they put a korok here

secondly IT'S ALWAYS LIGHTNING? I DON'T HAVE ANY WOODEN WEAPONS!!!

thirdly. the fake zelda's voice is INCREDIBLY creepy. the model would've fooled me but not her voice. yyyyyikes.

ohhhh the music is different! not just what plays near it down below...

snagged a shrine for fast travel but im NOT doing that shit rn

i would say "at least theres no guardians" but....

wait. lemme check for hands.

ok, a couple on the outskirts but none IN the castle itself thankfully......

normally i'd stop and explore the entire castle, but i'm hoping there'll be time for that later...right now i'm just picking my way over to her

SHE'S TELEPORTING!!!!!!!!!!!

TRYING TO KILL MY ASS WITH MONSTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ooooh the original hyrule castle theme snuck in here.....multiple times!!!

stumbled across a korok puzzle. lol.

OOPS i fell too far and left the castle...goddammit i thought i was supposed to be going down!!! i miss the 3D map tbh

FOUND HER...the library...where her dad's diary was...wah

a HINOX??? she's gonna spawn a fucking lynel next i just know it

yooooo royal guard boots! nice

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

REDEAD

I ALMOST GOT JUMPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

god i would have preferred the lynel

her study!! waaahhh

i need to go down, but not so far down i leave the castle...i can't figure out what to do >:(

FOUND IT. wah the barracks or whatever

HER VOICE IS SO CREEEEPYYYYY

omg wait aaaa the MUSIC changed..............it's HER SONG!!!

oh i see. four fights for four fake zelda...just like the objectives in any other dungeon lol. cleverly hidden, i nearly missed it

THE ROOM WHERE I FOUGHT GANON..............NO THANK YOOOOOU

oh god okay here i go!!!!!!!!

dont be a lynel dont be a lynel dont be a lynel

oh! a cutscene!

WHAT

THE

FUCK

WHATS GOING ON...IS THIS TIME TRAVEL...WHAT DID SHE DO

ive got my sword out mentally. knife emoji. i hate this little freak gimme back my GIRL

"does it bring back memories" IM GONNA KERMIT

GANONDORF????????????? DEHYDRATED VERSION?????????????

Y'ALL SWORE TO ME THIS WAS NOT ENDGAME SHIT.......................

"did my puppet entertain you" PUPPET ZELDA PUPPET ZELDA HE SAID THE THING

PHANTOM GANON????????????????????????????????????????????

oh god oh god oh god at LEAST i didnt have to do the hands first!!!!!

god by the way i like matt mercers dehydrated ganondorf voice SO much better bc he is doing a thing to make him sound less like matt mercer. he should do that all the time

PHASE TWO DISABLED MY SAGES?!?!?!?!?!!?

oh my god...oh my god...phase 1 was fun like me & the gang vs ganondorf...but now hes HARDER and im ALONE!!!!!!!

omg you can reduce the sludge and they wake up but then it gradually creeps up again 😭😭😭 thats so cool and also SCARY!!!! somebody come hold my hand

it keeps telling me the master sword is low on energy, but it also keeps not running out because it keeps GLOWING when the malice spreads......nice. fi is unkillable thanks to zelda. she stayed a dragon 10,000 years for this outcome specifically

GOT HIS ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD........OH MY GOD THE GANG IN PERSON...................oh my god oh my god i thot i knew everything but i still got to be surprised!!! immediately welled up wtf

"you stand before ganondorf" YES WE DO KING

the world that WAS and WILL BE AGAIN....TIME TRAVEL?????????? TIME TRAVEL????????????????????

oh a VISION!!! it's a cool vision though i HOLY SHIT HIS HORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh my god..................

man the way riju is the one to clock that he's not all there yet. mwah. i love gerudo girls reading him for filth

there's sooo many good weapons on the ground here after all that a true shame i can't take them all........

omg lookout landing everyone is HERE 🥺 i miss the cool music though...

oh man...everyone's reunions are great but harth noting the injuries on tulin and how he's been doing more than his fair share...HE IS A BABY!!!

"and the princess was an impostor" FINALLY we get there

"so she's REALLY in the distant past!!!" oh my FUCKINGGGG god

i knew it. i knew it was mineru its GONNA be mineru

you can tell muzu you did the geoglyphs but not that zelda is a dragon...CMON

well well speak of She...she's flying over the great plateau right about now!

since i have only the vaguest idea of what to do about the fifth sage im gonna farm some parts and then call it quits for now

okay, i did it. i will now be lying down for the next 6,000 business years.

#personal #loz blogging #totk lb #totk spoilers

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Thank you for replying to my ask and having this blog! I didn't want to tell any detail about my ed I thought that would be very triggering for some people cause it's about losing and gaining weight and dieting so trigger warning!!

But I guess I have always had since high school disturbed body image because diet culture starts affecting you very early on.

In college when I have had depressive episodes one way to cope was restricting my eating and then when I lost the weight I gained when depressed I started to feel better and it was like this yo-yo ish many years.

But oh god last year I had so many things that caused me stress I was living in a survival mode the whole 2021 and maybe still am, and idk why I gained weight guickly maybe it was many things combined. Then when things were bad my bf left me and my friends didn't help me and I was left kinda alone and the only way to cope again was thinking of losing weight. So this is such a classic but my ed was the symptom of my hard life situation and way to cope with the anxiety and stress.

But restricting my eating didnt 'work 'like it used to in the past, I havent been able to lose the gained weight and so my energy and time is still focused on losing that weight even now when im my life situation has improved a bit.

I have talk about my issues with doctors and I feel they haven't been taking my symptoms seriously or have focused just on my depression and anxiety (which are caused by ed so this is a fun cycle). Yesterday I talked to a nutritionist for the first time since applying help and she just said what I already know that even tho ed is a mental health problem the only way to cure is by eating. And that I should stop thinking about losing weight cause that only worsens everything (yeah no shit). And that she can't help me cope with the anxiety it's the other healthcare system that should (have) do(ne) that.

The thing is I have triedddd so much this whole time to take care of my eating but if I had succeeded I wouldn't be having any problems with it still u know?

It's kinda ironic how much I know about ed without being able to do anything. First I need to fix my nutritional status I think that's where everyone starts. And after that maybe intuition eating. I need to learn dbt skill to cope with anxiety and depression. And stop stressing about everything everywhere qll the time. Buying new clothes that fit so looking at my too small clothes wouldn't be so triggering. I need to learn self compassion and find a therapist but they are in high demand so that's really hard. I need to find things that I like about myself and repeat those. But everytime when I fail at trying to fix my daily routine and fix my eating routine I think of it as a setback and its a cycle very hard to get off (I need to wake up early to eat breakfast and lunch early so I wouldn't be so hungry at evening and night cause then I can't sleep properly and then I sleep in and then I eat late and then im hungry at evening and night cause I don't wanna eat too much in the evening and then I sleep in cause my blood sugar is so low from not eating enough in the evening does this make any sense at all) and I think I have ibs from so much stress and I think that's actually the reason I have gained weight like I'm bloated all the time. And i dont have any support cause my depression/ ed made me also isolate from my friends and/or they kinda left me also so yeah. Ummmmm this became a lot longer than i thought. if you read this all thank you and also sorry for dumping all my problems here

Sorry that it took me so long to respond to this - my own life situation is kind of taking a toll on me rn, and I've been slow to respond to people. That will continue to be the case, most likely.

But I'm sorry you've found the system so unhelpful! I really think a competent nutritionist should at least be a little understanding of mental health problems, especially when a lot of people coming to them with additional health needs will probably be coping with a lot and might need a little empathy. I mean, yeah, that's not her main job, but healthcare requires a multipronged approach, especially since her "just eat" directive won't be helpful without someone assisting with the mental health aspect simultaneously. I mean, if she frequently works with ED clients she should know that - "just eat" is such an ineffective directive. I hope you find a therapist or a team of therapists that are capable of helping you.

My advice, though? Break it down for yourself. All of these things are a cycle that feed into one another, so making progress in ANY of these areas you struggle in is still progress. And if you let yourself focus on one thing at once, it might not seem so overwhelming. Also remember that everyone struggles with hard days/moments, so if you slip, it doesn't mean you've lost all your progress. It seems an all-or-nothing approach can be really self-defeating. I get it, though - that's definitely something I still find myself struggling with!

I really hope you find more social support! I don't know if you have any online support groups. I also hope it's okay that I published this ask - I tend to do it unless otherwise specified so that people on here don't feel alone in their struggles. I bet there have been lots of ED sufferers who struggled during the pandemic, who have been feeling a lot of overwhelm and who struggle with finding adequate support and on trying to accept their bodies as-is and who are triggered by things like buying new clothes. I'm wondering if anyone else would like to share their experiences.

#weight mention #restriction cw #ask vent