#me about everything other than money

[yestabbystab]

"I have feelings for you." "Aw." "They're all negative." "Oh."

#ship #ship prompt #quotes #otp #strange #character quotes #otp prompts #why not #imagine your otp #character quote #shipping #just being weird at this point #me about everything other than money #me about all the random people I fight with #who are also in love with me #it's seriously really weird #“oh well you still think of me”

[inkskinned]

the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

#writeblr #warm up #this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru #but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist #ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school. #like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it. #was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes. #but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create'' #when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work #part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just #like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent. #speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r #ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week #this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice. #''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism #imagine if we said that about literally any other profession. #''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt? #u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky'' #we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY #''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''

[camellcat]

it's irritatingly funny that I can find books for almost any other series like it's nothing and yet somehow doctor who continues to evade me. I just. can't??? none of my usual sites have them, and looking online brings me nothing, and I ??? where are they ?????

#y'all I just wanna read the monsters inside #and I am the master: legends of the renegade time lord #but honestly I just wanna read every book with rose tyler pleaseeee #do you understand how easy it is to find books on like literally ANY other freakin series #in fact the only time I have ever struggled is when it's new #or if you're warrior cats ig. those bitches actually give me a quite a fight too #BUT IN THE END I STILL FIND THEM #AND I HAVE YET TO FIND ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE BLOODY STONE ROSE #(okay admittedly I found the monsters inside FINALLY. but at the time I had not) #this is the same as trying to download the episodes themselves as well ohhh my god why is everything with this show such a STRUGGLE #doctor who #hold on. to make things clear actually. this post is talking about piracy. I am talking about the whole “read online free pdf” type thing #just so that no one links me something where I have to use money. cause I don't got none fvkmfvkmvf

[gibbearish]

btw its interesting the way james tries to imply that like. well the videos that have plagiarism are the ones our dumb stupid annoying patrons requested about bad topics that didnt deserve to have the effort put in to covering them well so basically its fine. like obv thats interesting on its own but moreso the fact that he doesnt actually /say/ it, or like. give a list of the videos hes referring to, just says "those videos are very clear on which ones they were" i think as a nod meaning like "yknow the ones everyones talking about". unless what hes meaning is that like they put a note in certain videos saying "this video was requested by a patron, we here at james somertom incorporated do not espouse these views" which seems unlikely to me. idk methinks maybe it's because there is indeed a lot more than people think and with all the buzz he's not sure which ones have been discovered yet or not, so putting down a solid list that missed some would look like he was still hiding things whereas putting down a fully sourced list would be admitting to wayyyy more than anyone's found yet

#which is ironic too bc if he genuinely did want to prove he understood what he did wrong and that hed changed thatd be the way to do it #yknow like a full list of every single source including ones no one has found on their own or /can/ find anymore would a) be taking full #responsibility and b) make people less likely to always be like 'youre still hiding something' #which in turn makes me super think hes still hiding a lot of somethings #also cant go without stating that the 'request a video topic' thing was only for $100/month patrons after 3 months on that tier #like fucker these people gave you THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS AT LEAST and youre trying to blame it on them?????? #no one forced you to make 'let patrons pick video topics' a reward dude like. hello???????? #shit dude even hbombs highest tier ($10 for anyone wondering bc he doesnt see his audience as a money machine lmao) #just says you can vote in polls about future topics #like that makes complete sense to me as a version of this‚ the most dedicated audience members get a say in the future of the #channel while the creator still gets overall control of the direction #also 'patrons who gave me fuckloads of money asked me to make videos on topics i didnt like so i plagiarized those' is i think uhhh #worse than just 'i plagiarize everything without remorse' frankly? #like at least with the second youre just a general shitbag but the first where youre a shitbag specifically to the people #majorly financially supporting you rather than just like. be an adult and say 'hm i dont feel like that topic really works for the channel‚ #do you have any other ideas?' #or dare i say even perhaps yknow. doing what other youtubers do in similar situations and find ways to tie that subject #to what they usually talk about is just. wild #course that last one would take actual creativity and aint that just the crux of the issue #james somerton #or i say cannot go without stating i should say cannot go without restating kwnrkabdkwbrn

[adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy]

home from work

#if I speak… #one of the girls walked out yesterday #the best worker we have is on the verge of blowing up on this bitch’s leaders bc since he can do everything quick and efficiently already #they’re putting 3 to 4 ppl’s workloads on him to see how far they can extend his worth and then they’re over his shoulder the whole time #micromanaging him so today he almost lost it and was literally walking around mumbling about his disrespectful they all are (facts) #and how if they don’t think he’s doing it right then they can do it and I know for a fact one of the ladies heard him #bc he wasn’t even trying to hide it at this point and like this dude is cool he has a lot of patience and helps out any way he can #so if HE’S on the brink of snapping then the rest of us don’t stand a chance LMFAO #anyways today was a fucking mess those leaders know nothing about our store yet so they have us making less than what we need until we need #it so we get behind constantly and they made prep a disaster bc again they think they can just prep a bunch of stuff in the morning #and it’ll last the whole day and yes that works in theory but the reality of the situation is every day is different and today #we sold double what we did yesterday so they had to move me to prep to fix their mistakes bc we were running out of stuff 4 hours in lmfao #and I’m the only one left who knows how to do everything on prep bc the other girls had never done it before #we’re supposed to prep 20 mac n cheese trays in the morning for the whole day #we open lunch at 10:30 tell me why I go into the cooler at 12 put more in the oven and there’s only 5 left #it’s been less than 2 HOURS and you’re already running out of macs which means those idiots prepped barely anything just to try and save mo #*money to cut down waste but that gag if you’re losing money bc now you’re short on everything and customers are leaving bc they’re having #to wait a long time for their food #and macs take 40 minutes to cool LMFAO #I get over there they’re out of parfaits they’re out of fruit cups they’re out of kale salads the front is coming in and having to take #stuff as I make it bc they keep getting orders and it’s all just a fucking mess #I have to make a custom wrap and what happens?? those morons didn’t pull the flatbreads out of the freezer like they’re supposed to every #night so now we have no flatbread and I had to run back there and put them in the warming drawer to defrost and we lost an order bc I had #nothing to make the wraps with <3 #I go back there to get more cold chicken SPOILER ALERT they didn’t have anyone make any this morning so now there’s no chicken for the wrap #and salad and it has to be grilled and then chilled for 2 FUCKING HOURS before it can be used #they’re a fucking disaster like 😭 #was the store perfect before?? ofc not but it ran quickly and efficiently as it should and now it’s literally just a mess #this bitch hasn’t even owned it for a full week yet and has already fucked it all up #womp womp!!!!!!

[kathrynmjaneway]

.

#still wild to me that i am in a relationship #itll be 3 months next week and i am obsessed with him than ever #i never couldve imagined itd actually be like this but it is literally everything i ever wanted #hes sooooo kind #and sweet and i could gush about him all day long #i mentioned in front of two of his friends how im planning to buy a ps5 in the next couple months bc i only have Nintendo consoles #and i wanna play other games #and his two friends where like well why arent you getting a gaming pc????? #important note here: they all are gaming nerds and they are all like IT guys incl my boyfriend #and i explained that its just the easiest way and that im not really a pc gamer #(but important note here is that my bf has hi gaming pc set up on his tv and plays with a controller exclusively and i do vibe with that) #and then all 3 basically were like we will literally build you a gaming pc ourselves so you dont buy a ps5!!!! #that was 2 days ago. #yesterday my boyfriend showed me his research into possible gaming pc set ups for me that would be within a certain budget #while still being definitely more than good enough #and he explained some things to me and asked my opinions #and now im sat here like ok 🥺 #i think ill let my boyfriend build me a gaming pc #mind you i wasnt planing on getting a ps5 before fall the earliest bc im planning on moving soon and money and all that #but hes already planning and gathering ideas #while still understanding why i initially wanted a ps5 (less money and i have no idea about gaming pc set ups) and leaving it fully up to me #i am also now at exactly 100 hours into elden ring with him as my backseater #which means end game shit #i am currently switching between trying to win against Malenia Mogh lord of blood and radagon #its........ going #i maxed out my number of flasks and charges?? is that what its called #and i got my +10 staved and sword/catana #its still super fun but hoh boy #the rush of adrenaline when i finally beat godfrey and my boyfriend was so hapoy for me too it was honestly super fucking adorable #personal

[neck-thats-made-for-bruising]

I don't freak about about things but when my laptop charger stops working I do

#I'm so fucking done with this #it sounds like it's not that bad but this has happened 2 other times in the past year #and it always happens when we don't have money #and chromebook chargers are supposed to last longer than a few months #my phone charger works on my laptop #but it doesn't have enough power so it runs out super quick and obviously I need it for my phone #I mean I don't use my laptop as much as I used to during summer #but still I don't want it to fucking die #and it's an old laptop but I don't know why these chargers stop working #and I know it's the charger because it won't work on my phone either #vent ig #lol #it's not that big of a deal but I do everything on my laptop #my phone frustrates me #ranting #It makes me feel so stupid that I freak out about it too lmao

[ohdorothea]

I think I have to engage with Taylor Swift as a performance artist rather than a person or I will break my brain trying to figure her out

#there is something about the specific ways she has said she does not want people to speculate about who her songs are about #but then… everything she does #saying question was about Matty #releasing you’re losing me during the Matty backlash #this new album title seemingly being a reference to a very publicly known group chat her ex was in #honestly I find the whole thing easier to understand if I believe Joe was a beard #it honestly makes more sense to me than being in a serious relationship for 6 years and then immediately upon breaking up #using all of your public power and money to trash him and get your fans riled up against him #not that I think he was a beard I honestly don’t really have an opinion they were so private I don’t know anything about their relationship #other than what Taylor has written about #how do you go from peace to trying to actively set your fans against him #idk ignore me I am just Thinking

[brookheimer]

my boss: write an 800-1000 word piece on the truman show’s 25th anniversary

me: *currently 5000 words into dissecting the history of a subgenre i coined mid-article*

#yes it’s about the truman show. yes it’s about gaslight media which flourished from 2003-2005 had a failed revival in 2014-2015 and is has #been coming back with a vengeance the past few years due to our widespread fascination with gaslighting as a concept and newfound cultural #familiarity with it in day to day life allowing us to take comfort even from shows using machinations of manipulation as their entire format #in a way we couldn’t in the early 2000s when said format was almost solely used for the humiliation of unsuspecting citizens #now though we’ve come to see it as a bad but almost ubiquitous aspect of life so we find more comfort in witnessing it occur in a ‘positive’ #way than not witnessing it occur at all because we automatically assume it is anyways and we’re the targets #sorry if this didn’t make sense. it does if you’re me #aka if you spent the entire day frantically researching every reality tv hoax to ever air with rabid fascination #and also the truman show. also that #i don’t understand how people in theory heavy fields are able to suddenly shift to write pithy simple cultural commentary on slate #how do you pivot like that. how do you not say all the things you want to say #like…. maybe i am not cut out for this. maybe i’m only cut out for academia. except also FUCK that i don’t want to be a professor #in other words: i am fucked #why can’t i just write giant analyses of everything and get money for them. wdym that’s not how the world works #lol not like i’m getting money for this either. getting paid in experience baby #(read: i am incredibly broke and in desperate search for a second job. fuuuuuck unpaid labor i love capitalism love it)

[chrisbangs]

hello... (and bye ig 👋)

#👋😭 hi... #i haven't come on in about a month and i didn't realize a month passed by like that... i've kinda stopped using any apps on my phone #i barely even talk to my friends anymore lol 😭 #i just saw my follower count this morning and realized i hit 13k and i was like 🥸 huh... #uhhhhhhh 😭 idk i wanted to say thank you i guess 🫂 #i'm done with stayblr and tumblr in general 😭 this much has been obvious for a while now... i tried to fit myself back in during 5star but #i think i realized i've outgrown the vibes here and in online spaces in general... i don't really enjoy it anymore 😭 which is weird cause #i've used tumblr since i was in middle school so 🫡 end of an era some would say... #i think it sucks because i don't have the same feelings about this place or skz or anything in my life right now... i tried to ignore it bu #it's so obvious now that the entirety of december passed without me really talking to a single person / without me using social media / #without me really doing much except for like homework and assignments lmao #i think genuinely i've stopped enjoying everything i used to like and i don't know why 😭 it hit me the other day bc i don't even enjoy #pc collecting anymore which is CRAZY considering how much time and money i've put into that hobby so 👋🥸 who knows what goes on #i haven't consumed any skz content since rockstar dropped 😭 and that also feels weird to me... idk... i would say maybe i'm going through a #depressive episode but i don't really feel how i do then... i think i'm just tired like i always am and that's just how i am now .. i think #i'm just not really interested in things anymore? weird but .. yeah idk😭 if i knew what was wrong i would Fix It sndjdndkd mostly i'm just #sad because i haven't been talking to friends... i keep ignoring everyone and not replying to any texts from anyone because ???? #i tell myself i will do it later but i know i won't ... idk i genuinely don't know why i'm struggling to talk to ppl anymore 😭 i've become #even more of a reclusive hermit than i already was 💀 and the worst part is i feel normal abt it #i don't feel /bad/ i just feel guilty that i'm not replying to ppl bc i don't want to hurt ppls feelings... on my end i feel Normal abt it #like i ??? is it weird that i'm so detached from everything that not even a month ago made me so happy..? that's weird right 😭 like idgi #i don't feel (as) depressed (as i usually do) but clearly ?? smth is wrong ?? like ik i'm not a clingy sentimental person but ? it kinda #makes me sad wondering if i really don't care abt ppl anymore ... but i think 😭 it's also the object permanence issues that come with adhd #not seeing or talking to the ppl i love . not doing my hobbies or seeing the groups i care abt . makes it easy to not care or forget what #they make me feel etc etc ... i get it... but idk 😭 if that's what this is . well wow it sucks ASS.. cause i feel guilty for not feeling #anything at all ... 😭 idk how to explain that HENSKDNISJS anywayyyy 💀 #i came on cause i wanted to say thank you for 13k followers 😭‼️ and that i probably will not be online anymore unless i really want to say #this was a really long winded way to say i feel bad but i'm done with stayblr fr 👋🥸 i tried so hard for the last 2 years to make it feel #like home again but it stopped ages ago so 🥹 that's ok.. i still cherish my memories here 🫂 anyway thanku and sjsjsksksks bye i guess 😭 #who knows maybe i'll enjoy it one day again and come back :') never know what the future holds 🫡

[tankgotstuckinthecircusgate]

they just didn't have to write him as "a great philanthropist"; "a generous benefactor of the empire bay planetarium"; "frequent officer of the empire bay press guild"; "a frequent target of political slander and false arrest because of generosity towards the press"

and at the same time write him as the first of the others to organize drug trafficking; a man who tried to kill all his competitors; "a shady bastard, even for guys in this business"; "ruthless modernizer"; a man who secretly views his close friend as a liability; "the man who killed his own boss" to take his place

"few will moan moretti's passing" from the lost heaven's newspapers and there's nothing like that in the cut-out news reports about carlo's death

#like do you remember . “Micky the Crab” who was falcone's soldier and whom falcone eventually left to clean the fucking toilets #when the guy lost almost all his fingers #and ofc i don't think this whole charade with charity and the press is sincere (can sense 100% money laundering w charity here) but #i think he still felt some appreciation for empire bay bc this city accepted & raised him instead of sicily #i believe that there were also good intentions with the planetarium and maybe other things #maybe not everything was just a money laundering #“your teeth are a gift from god u can sink them into anyone's flesh and call it an act of giving” this is what i mean #that fact that his fucking (ugly but still) MANSION is in a poor residential area it just feels like a slap #violently shaking carlo by his shoulders WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!! (gets shot right after) #the fact that he had a reputation as a shady guy among the mafia and a reputation as a philanthropist in society . carlo. why r u like this #this man is a fucking contradiction in some absolutely fucked up gross way and it's killing me. wouldn't want him any other way tho #m2 #like can you imagine. if he actually felt warm towards empire bay. can you imagine if he was actually interested in making this place bette #but still organized the drug trade(which is objectively even worse than a racket) #love mixed with selfishness and violence and greed and and in the end it's creation mixed with destruction #sorry i can't get my thoughts into sentences that make sense all this week #but this contrast is killing me and i think about it a lot and i just wanted to put it together in a compilation

[craycraybluejay]

ok guys serious question and i want answers

my standard dose is 40mg oxy

if i take 2 perc5s, is there a chance itll actually get me high? i have no tolerance (recent use) but 40 is the sweet spot. is 10 enough? will it give a better rush if i snort it even tho the high is shorter or should i just booty bump. or bite the bullet and try to iv

#i dont actually really plan to iv but maybe sometime w better stuff thats not laced with fucking acetaminophen #i care less ab the phobia the more i care less ab everything else #will it feel good? yeah. so why should i give a fuck if it gives me a panic attack before it hits #anyway #will 10mg actually get me high enough to waste #and should i snort or boof #drugblr #questions #advice wanted #tw drug use #im not a dope addict dw i just love to partake when i get hella lucky #i promised someone i wasnt using anything but smokes but honestly who give a shit #not like theyre gonna drug test me lmfao #also i wont od so dw about it just tell me if its high enough dose and what gives the best rush other than iv #i mean i do have a lot of sterile syringes but i think its like hella dangerous to iv acetaminophen at that dose #sigh #if i had the money for a dope addiction id only have one problem and solution to worry ab #how peaceful #i wouldnt even be arsed to care ab dysphoria or abusive people or anything. id be gone. like i was dead but enjoying it #anyway thats off topic point is i want to know from someone who knows the chemistry or partakes personally

[sereniv]

so fucking sick of taylor swift!!!!

#she could have a significant impact with even mentioning palestine #her carbon foot print is disgusting #shut up about her stupid new boytoy i dont care i dont care! #people are fucking dying like a fucking genocide #and all i constantly see is her!! #no shes not going to fix everything but the more people rallying and calling and pressuring the better #thr more money going to palestine the better #fuck her #so sick of it #i mean among other celebs obviously but just constantly having to hear about her like shes SO amazing #and different and special like shut up! leave me alone i honestly wish I could block seeing her on ever platform #its fine to like her music i like a few songs #but just god everywhere i go its just about taylor swift and the footballer #why does anyone even care shes just going to break up like she always does like #but thats besides the point thats more annoying than anything #point is she has influence and does nothing with it and is a pos

[madhushala]

.

#this girl was joking about another girl in my batch fasting on karvachauth for her boyfriend and it was the light jokes so it was okay #but then she said why is she doing it her caste is completely different from his her parents would kill her #and that how college relationships are only for time being until you're in college and you're there for each other's support #and that nothing in college couples is that serious and they may turn out just good friends in future #and there's no reason to worship your love because it's just 'casual'??!! #ive so many feelings and a little heartbreak #ive already tried thinking about future but you know it 2ould just spiral me and thinking tha ahead doesn't make sense know #logically speaking she's right that we can go through SO MANY changes during the college years and no one knows anything ahead #but idk like i love him its not just oh im in college and ive got a boyfriend to get my nights busier and go on silly pretend dates #i didn't date anyone for nineteen years because i just wouldn't date anyone #its just surprising me as well how i came here so clueless and how everything led to each other and then into us #and i don't say stuff like marriage and kids because that's too huge. just too huge right now to think off #and that's also a way of keeping myself humble #and i would love love love to think about a future too not just yet it's too quick and im okay understanding everything rather than diving #but what she said. is so um its messing with my brain #ofc im not letting it over weigh me not at least from a person who's with multiple seniors #sends all her money to her so called youtuber bf #and goes to private places with some other guy #who's in everything for casual #but i don't know what im supposed to do with it right now #playing around my head #or maybe i should just trust the process

[ghostcrows]

that damn web comic is rattling around in my brain ...

#i just felt smacked in the face with a mirror reality something i could see not only myself but so many other people i know/have known in #with a frighteningly sharp precision #some of the people in whn look IDENTICAL to real life friends or exes or people i knew in high school or coworkers #i sent it to my friend and he said 'i feel like this HAPPENED to someone i know' #i keep thinking about that awful feedback loop of mental illness isolation and social media addiction #but its so much more complicated than 'touch grass' like you could shoot all these peoples phones #and theyd just turn to something equally toxic and retraumatizing and self-flagellating #they already show this because they have ed's and self harm and abuse substances and spend money they dont have #the chronic online-ness is a symptom not the disease #the thing that makes me a little sick is how much i relate to milo refusing to delete his tumblr even after everything #i have had instances in my life where posting on tumblr was actively making my life worse or harder or getting in the way of real shit #and i still use it as a crutch in the worst of times #its just funny cuz its this thing that saves you from riskier vices while still obviously perpetuating those things #because its a place that reflects You so heavily #you reblog sad shit cause youre sad and it makes you sadder #you wanna self harm you see people post their cutting pics now you feel like its not so weird or bad #its making me ask questions like 'am i stunted' 'what does it mean to be stunted' and then of course #when is someone 'acting like a victim' and just A Victim and can you do both and what does that mean #man....

[lambentplume]

yapping aimlessly tonight

#jaerambles #i just have a lot in my brain!! #anyway i keep getting asked what i would want to do in an ideal situation. if money and time and stuff were no object #i really do think it would be just aimless learning. #like learning new crafts. reading without having to respond to it. sponging up knowledge without the expectation to Say Things #it feels a bit. selfish. #but i don’t really have an endpoint to reach nor do i have something to say. like i just want to acquire experiences and learn things #i get really nervous when people ask me what makes me happy because i don’t know. i know what makes me uncomfortable and scared though #i would also like the ability to just change my situation a lot as much as i want. moving to new places and leaving when i don’t like them #trying new professions without having to stick to them or work up a ladder #drop everything for a weekend to go see friends. things like that. #i say all these things as though i haven’t been too afraid to leave my house for the past 6 months djfjdjfjdjfjjd #i’m trying to be less avoidant lately though. like ideal situations are not my reality! #real life is me being too scared to think of possibilities so in reality i just have to take the tiniest steps back to normalcy #ppl with the jae lore remember when my commute to school was literally 5000 miles #or when i worked two jobs and was so about the grind because i had a reason to want the money #like i used to have So much going on. and now i don’t. and i don’t know what i am in the absence of being Busy #there’s still so much i don’t understand abt bpd1 i’m so scared of making changes too suddenly because i HATE who i was in august #or not who i was. what i was doing. #but now i’ve swung the other direction and i do nothing 😭 i don’t feel like i’m Living rn #i feel like i’ve started all over again. i almost had it i was gonna do two internships and keep doing my cute little barista job #and have a senior year that was gonna be about growing and finishing strong #and then of course my maladjusted ass sees [irreversible change event] and like. yknow #this keeps. happening to me. i want to be so much better than this 😭😭😭