#maybe it was covid and never having that in person uni experience maybe its just my own mental illness | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

saucerfulofsins · 3 years

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Tried to write a prompt for golf(general) but idk what this is. Absolutely living for your snippets though. Good luck in uni tomorrow!!! ❤️🔥✨

So much of their life now is rushing between, escaping, stolen moments outside of the noise. A suspended breath in the dark garden at a house party inhale, exhale the first few steps on the ice, the swish click of hotel room doors locking out the world . The itch that builds season over season until he wants to scream - wants to grab his hand and run until they aren't anyone, anymore. No expectations. But for now, this - selfies and signatures in the carpark, at the desk, the price to pay for a few hours on the green, closest he can get to nature, to head empty focus, just breathing, here. Nothing cuts like a dive into cold lakewater but it's close as he can find in the city. Being able to share that with pat just makes it all the more precious. Watches him walk up to the green, dorky yellow polo, putter in hand, deep in consideration. Sun breaking through grey skies. He's not gonna solve this one, can taste the shape of it though. Doesn't have an answer for this. No expectations but the space between them. Melting, condensing, expand and retract. Feet together head bowed, focus as he putts. Delicate and direct. Nothing surer than the truth of it, Nothing more dangerous than the hope. Jonny turns away, eyes closed against the sun.

Thank you! Uni was intense but good! All my classes are back in person, and seeing people is weird now? (I’ve basically been entirely on my own for the past year and a half). I really just feel weird with all this ~contact~ I guess. (Don’t worry btw, I only have 3 seminars, and I think the biggest of those is maybe 20 people, I’ve had my jabs and most people around me did too, masks are still a thing, and there’s a ban on coming to class w/symptoms even if they are non-COVID).

Also, I know absolutely NOTHING about golf except that there’s a ball, there’s a stick, and in Dutch “minigolf” is called the 100% worse “midgetgolf.” (I am also very bad at it, from what I remember, give me beer pong any day).

FINALLY. I DO remember asking for fluffy prompts but… I don’t know what happened. I’m sorry fjdfjfjdjkfjg. Can I blame this prompt coming in a little late, please? (seriously though lmk if I should rewrite this as fluff)

Although their numbers match seamlessly, their careers, (their bodies, once), Patrick’s never been especially keen on nature. He doesn’t get that same drive Jonny does—he doesn’t need fresh air and open spaces and deep lakes to really clear his head, to feel like he’s living.

They used to talk about this, sometimes. This weird difference, where Patrick feels best in the thick of a crowd, walking in a city street—no matter how hot or how cold the weather. He has his place at Lake Erie, of course, but that was always because of the space, because of the privacy.

Jonny chose his lake cabin for all the other reasons. He wants to sink his feet into the sandy mud, he wants to feel the water lap at his ankles, smell all the different scents—wet algae and pinewood and the thick, soft moss that coats the ground.

He wants to feel sun on his skin, and he wants to clean, grill, eat the food he caught with his own hands.

Over the years, he’s sought that experience in Chicago. He’s never found it, even when all the elements are there—when he doesn’t put enough distance between himself and the city, its glass and asphalt still weigh him down.

Over the years, he’s found the closest he can get is out on a gold course. A good midway point between rink hockey and nature—the manicured lawns are like the temperature-controlled ice, the club and ball equal stick and puck in their semantic purpose. Hold one, hit the other. The mechanics put him at ease, leave him able to do something that feels productive.

More than that, golf is something Patrickenjoys. It must be because he can keep his shoes clean, can keep his expensive watch on. It must be because it reminds him of hockey, too, because Patrick’s never happier than when he has a stick in his hand.

(Jonny isn’t going to think too much about what that means.)

Their friendship continues to change. They used to be closer than they are now, and when they fell out, things were bad for a few years. This, the golf course, is where they learned to be okay with each other’s presence again.

It’s easier to talk when they don’t have to look at each other.

The wide space of the course offers more time, more privacy, than a rink ever could.

Green is a calming colour, the air here is fresher than it is in the city, unfiltered, pure. Jonny can close his eyes and inhale, just stand here for a moment without feeling like the world will slip away from under his feet if he’s not careful.

Patrick’s walking a few metres ahead of him. He’s wearing another eyesore of an outfit, like he’s trying to emulate all the colours that might go into a hockey logo. They are definitely the kind of colours that go into sponsor logos.

Patrick doesn’t need those colours to catch Jonny’s eyes. Jonny’s not sure if he knows that.

He wants to say something but bites his tongue instead. That, too, is easier here. Swallow all those words, all those feelings, and feel them settle in his stomach. They’re heavy, but bearable—full like he is after eating too much of a good meal. He’ll go home later, have a drink, feel the discomfort dissipate the way it always does as he processes this.

His turn. He aligns his putter with the ball, putts, edges past the hole. Patrick whistles, laughs, shakes his head. Jonny tries again, gets it right this time.

Two tries to get it right. It stings; he only ever had one shot with Patrick and promptly blew it. Or maybe they both did, he’s not so sure anymore. It’s been years, and his memories have gone hazy, now, all twisted up with bad dreams and what-ifs.

Patrick’s good at this, takes to golf the way he takes to hockey. Oddly, he doesn’t look smaller out of his gear and skates. If anything, he looks larger. His precision control is visible in each line of his body, and that contrasts against the immediate relaxation after his swing. He’s like an on-off switch, calculated and perfect, and he steals Jonny’s breath each time he does it.

(This is the only moment Jonny still allows himself to watch.)

Patrick grins when Jonny manages another bogey. They’re not really playing against each other, right now, but competition’s in their blood and Jonny’s fallen behind.

There’s nothing malicious in it, either, but Jonny can’t shake the feeling that this is becoming a metaphor for their lives. Patrick, on par with all plans he set out for himself, and Jonny, trying to catch up but eternally falling behind, further and further as he is haunted by the mistakes from his past.

#1988 #1988 fic #mine #antoewsnio #kaner #im so sorry #this is angst #;__;

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luvdsc · 3 years

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Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

#asks #jaeismytamtation

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all-of-the-above · 3 years

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COVID-19 and You

The Pandemic, the one and only COVID-19, it’s affected each and every one of us in a number of ways. We have all undoubtably lost something…

a) A loved one or friend

b) A job

c) A friendship

d) A relationship

e) Our motivation

f) Our hope

g) Maybe even all of the above? (If you have, my heart goes out to you)

This life changing event has had so much impact on people of all ages, and for myself it greatly affected what I thought would be an exciting time in my life. I was supposed to finish sixth form, have fun, go to May ball (I’ve never even been to prom so was definitely looking forward to this- but yeah not the biggest issue in the world I know), sit my a-levels, have my 18th birthday and go out, enjoy summer and prepare for uni. Instead, it all got cancelled. My birthday spent at home with my family, no goodbyes at school, most of my summer spent at home, and planning for uni…online. These ‘problems’ may see ridiculous to some of you, however I lost out on this time in my life I think so many of us look forward to. This loss, whilst still struggling with my mental health after the loss of my mum took a huge toll on me. My motivation left entirely, and I didn’t want to do anything, let alone help myself. I was in a state of depression and bad mental health, but for some time I didn’t even realise it. I didn’t care for myself, and since then I’ve learnt to recognise when my mood changes, when I need a little extra love for myself, and when I need to keep an eye on how I’m doing in order to prevent slipping back down that spiral (I still have bad days of course this is normal! Just not to the extreme of bad months). As I wrote about in my blog on keeping on the upwards spiral, it’s all about mindset and recognising your needs and emotions and acknowledging them to help yourself. However, back then it wasn’t so simple, I held onto the hope of seeing people and although it was crushed by news so many times, a small glint of hope was still there, a small light in a place full of darkness. Holding onto hope in times like this is something so crucial, if you can’t care for yourself in any other way, just have hope, no matter how small, because that will get you through. If you don’t think you even have that communicate it with somebody, anybody. Ask for help. Don’t feel guilty, we all need help at points and lockdown has proven to be such an isolating experience, so don’t fear reaching out. Do that small thing for yourself and you will benefit. I believed I wasn’t helping myself at all, yet that hope I had was a small portion of help. There was more I could’ve and should’ve done, but its all about learning and growing from our experiences, realising our priorities, and then learning how to care for them. Our number one priority is ourselves and often we realise this after going through bad time, commonly because we don’t want it to happen again and we want to do anything to prevent it, which means caring and looking out for ourselves. So, if you’ve struggled in lockdown, 1, 2, 3 or all of them, you’re okay, you’re here, and you’re learning, and you will get there. You are never alone, and don’t judge yourself if it’s taken time for you to learn you need to have more self-care, and more self-love. The fact is you have realised or are realising and that is such important, brilliant progress.

This pandemic has enforced an abundance of things as well as causing losses. It’s forced more alone time, less freedom, delayed plans, serious relationships and all-round new ways of life. More alone time can have serious effects on mental health like I just shared, however I have come to learn what a great opportunity it has been and will continue to be (just because were not in lockdown forever doesn’t mean you can’t continue spending some serious time with yourself!). Being alone enforces us to be more reliant on nobody but ourselves, more independence is gained, and even new skills are formed. It took me to become really down and lost to see I needed and wanted help, I reached for it and tried my upmost not to let go, I worked on myself and slowly found new methods of healing myself to become a better me. I’m not all the way there yet either, I’m still learning and understanding myself more and more every day. This is an ever-changing process with infinite goals, and by having the knowledge and ability to critically view ourselves we are able to continue this growth. Alone time now is less daunting, but do not worry if it still is for you, it’s a case of understanding what you want and realising that your mental health is important, and only you can care for it. Once you have that mindset you can begin a number of things to help, you can read books if you’re into that, especially self-help ones (trust me and give it a go, even if it’s an audio book, they really can inspire!), you can pick up new hobbies like drawing or sewing or baking, you can exercise, you can become mindful and practise meditation, you can take time to understand you. In changing my mindset and learning more about self-love, self-care and positivity, I myself have picked up new hobbies; I’m enjoying reading a lot more, especially these motivational self-help books like ‘Good vibes Goof life’ by Vex King, I love cross-stitch, it’s so relaxing and I’m a very creative person, I practice mindfulness, and most importantly to come out of this is my writing and starting this blog. I was inspired by others, but I also inspired myself. So, my advice is to you is to become your own inspiration, strive for your goals and have confidence in yourself.

As well as enforcing alone time, the lockdowns have also caused many people to have very serious relationships when possibly that would’ve been further down the line. This will of course lead to tensions and possibly even a loss of the relationship entirely. But its key to remember although you and your partner may have had to make serious decisions like moving in together or staying apart, putting a label on it or not due to covid, all of it was still your choice. It’s important to be there for one another and if you’re having doubts or feel an argument boiling up, communicate it, its not an easy situation but if you want it to work you have to find ways around it. Having alone time is key, that’s important for any relationship, but especially if it seems as though you’ve had to dive in the deep end because of the pandemic. What’s also important is spending quality time together, making date nights at home or on facetime, whatever you can do to feel a bit connected again, a bit normal. Sadly, the pandemic has also forced a lot of losses of relationships, both romantically and platonically. This may be from being in too-close-a-quarters or simply being too far away. Both scenarios are difficult, and it takes maturity and knowledge in yourself to tackle the situation as which is best. If you’ve lost people because of covid, I understand it is hard, its isolating enough never mind losing the people closet to you. However, we need to remain optimistic and look at the positives; if you tried your best to keep that relationship going, you made sacrifices, you communicated, then it is simple enough to see it was not you, and that person was not right for your life. Don’t put out energy if you don’t receive the same back. This isn’t always easy to recognise or understand but overtime you will notice a drag on your own mental and even physical state, and that’s when you can see your energy is depleting whilst you haven’t received anything in return for your hard efforts. In other cases, you may be the one not rewarding the other person with the same energy, this is ok too, it’s all about understanding where you are on your own journey. The best thing you can do is assess all your relationships whilst you have the time to do so. Think about what either person is putting in, and then what is being taken out, if its not even, assess on who’s side and then bring it up (tell that person and try to get them to understand how its making you feel and even suggest, if there is, ways of preventing it, or tell yourself, assess your actions, make your friend/partner aware that you know your mistakes, so to speak, and chose to act on them). The final key is deciding if that relationship is right for you, whether you’re putting in more or less effort than the other, take time to see why and try to come to an understanding on if your unhappy or need something to change, whatever it may be, assess that relationship and act on what is right for you. And don’t fret, seeing whether its right or not doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and effort, just like the relationship. If you’re unsure, don’t rush a decision, and always keep in mind what has happened to thus allow you to come to a better decision after some time.

Whatever may have happened to you in the course of this pandemic there is no doubt it will have impacted your mental health, and this why I talk about self-love and self-care in such an extensive way. Although there’s been a lack of freedom, we can still do things, we can still expand our minds, expand our capabilities and ensure we care for ourselves along the way. Needing a bit more down time than usual in these circumstances is ok, it is understandable and the fact you recognise that for yourself is proof of your progress. If you haven’t been doing this then go do it now, take some reflective time and think about your needs and act on them.

I’m sure we are all now feeling much more optimistic as of the news and it truly is fantastic! We have so much to look forward to but remember not to get ahead of yourself, yet also don’t panic that it will take time to get there, it may not be back to normal tomorrow or the next day, but small steps of progress are better than none. The same goes for your mental health. Just stay optimistic, change those negatives to positives, keep occupied and learn something new, and most importantly hold onto your hope. Never feel alone, there are hundreds of millions of people who feel just as you do, reach out to friends, family, even strangers, even me, we are all here to remind you of how wonderfully you are doing and will continue to do.

If there’s anything I haven’t touched on well enough or anyone has anything to say, leave a comment or send me a message. I’m here as a friend and thank you to all of you that are a part of this growing community.

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bustedbernie · 3 years

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I cannot speak for Corbyn but Mélenchon's eurospecticism has never been motivated by not wanting to pay for central and eastern Europe. It is motivated by the fact the EU (especially the court of justice whose legitimacy as a political force is dubious) imposes a liberal/ultraliberal economy on its members (especially in regards to privatisation Vs public monopolies) which would hinder the implementation of his economic program. And considering the US extreme patriotic values and nationalism 1/2

(pledge of allegiance at school, thinking the US is the BEST country on earth (a though not limited to trump supporters) , etc) combined with the remnants of the red scare I'm not surprised that American sociology is promoting this concept to delegitimize leftists and their ideas. No country on earth should be idealised, not the US and no European one, but comparisons are going to occurre on specific point and this looks like the academic version of 'you don't love your country enough, traitor'.

Yes, partly on your first point that is true. But when pointed out that his euroskepticism would in turn be bad for France and the economy, he didn’t care. As for the lack of care for Eastern Europe, this is simply a talking point I encountered among Mélenchon’s supporters I talked with in the 2017 election (young anarchocommunists/uni students lol) - who had (have) a lot in common with the American stereotype of the Bernie Bro (champagne socialists, etc).

The critique of the EU in that capacity is at times valid, but it’s also a critique I think France has a lot of weight in shifting. For all his faults (and his somewhat ultra liberalism), Macron has demonstrated that France can use that weight to create a big shift in EU policy - fiscal and otherwise. I think Mélenchon and the left in France would be better served to use that weight and the positive power it could create. I think similarly to Corbyn and Sanders, Mélenchon has a vision of the world/France that is a bit outdated. I’ve found Hamon to have the most forward-thinking agenda of the main French candidates and also like his focus on ecology (and hope his polls can continue improving, I’d prefer the next election be Macron vs Hamon than Le Pen...). With Merkel’s term soon coming to an end, I hope France can choose a leader that can leverage that power to benefit a better economic model. It’s clear that the current model was shaken by 2008 and I hope the response to COVID and the softening of the German stance leads to a more elastic, empathetic system that doesn’t employ models of austerity which just don’t seem to work. I think this is part of what is hard, the frustrations channeled by Mélenchon (and Sanders/Corbyn) are often valid and important, but I fear that they are so reactive and destructive that they would in fact worsen conditions. Reforming the EU seems tough and it is tough, but it is likely to be a more beneficial thing long-term than bringing back the Franc and doing a Frexit. Maybe you might say his “EU - change it or leave it” is just that, but I think it’s a dangerous form of brinkmanship that would be a destabilizing force through the world.

To your second point, I still find it hard to separate a certain nativist streak in Mélenchon’s platform or from the other leftists on this topic. PM Frederiksen in Denmark might be another example. Compared to other leftists, I think Mélenchon actually speaks so much more nicely about migrants and immigration - but - he still channels the idea that immigrants are a capitalist mechanism used to suppress wages of the homeland while increasing bourgeois gains and he continues to enforce the myth that the EU and France are incapable of supporting immigration. He speaks of the sécurité-sociale being ruined by immigrants, the need of immigrants to love France (as if they don’t), so idk.

I also don’t know that your point about American patriotism being an instrument against progressive/leftist ideologies is totally apt. In fact, many of the most successful progressives underline the idea that due to America’s greatness, it MUST provide better for its people. This is even seen often in the progressive refrain of “the wealthiest nation should provide the best healthcare” - “the USA must be the world leader in green energy” - “the USA must lead the world on human rights and individual freedom.” If anything, the patriotic organ of American social life is used on the left as well in my opinion. But I also don’t think this is unique to the USA, in fact it is present in France, Canada and the UK in my personal experience. It may not be routine to sing La Marseillaise but French exceptionalism still manifests in its own ways as well. But you are right with your central point that no nation ought to be idealized though I think when comparisons are appropriate, they can be good for cultural exchange, sharing and education. I tend to think the more societies share, the better.

#Anonymous

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selfcareparker · 3 years

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hi bae <3 reading that last ask i’m realizing i have no grammar? lmao

glad university is funnnn, when you said linguistics i was like 🤨 but then i googled it and it does sound interesting lmao

the too much free time part though... :( its like you expected to be thrown in and like WOO BUSY and WOO purpose (purpose may be going too far lol) but i totally get what you’re saying. ESPECIALLY when you expect to be busier and you’re not it’s like :/ ok. (& girlllll it’s fine to complain, it’s how ur feeling)

and bc of covid you have eVEN LESS STUFF TO DO, which sucks. the social part may help? even just a little bit, but maybe having some socialization.. it could be somewhat uplifting? idk gsjshsj

where i live the vaccine is for 16 and up right now but for the younger kids (12-15) it hasn’t been ✨FDA approved✨ yet so my brother is still waiting for his 🤠

okay really quick, how does drivers license work there? here you learn to drive at 16 and you can like actually drive (sometimes even alone in the car) by 17... (also burneks?)

YAYYYY GIRLLL i remember you telling me about how you haven’t seen your family in England in such a long time 🥺🥺🥺 i really hope you get to see them soon!!!! and that covid eases up so you can see them frequently again 🥺🥺🤍

i’m gonna tattoo that to my forehead “not being friends with your parents is unhealthy” EXACTLY!! the people saying that stuff are usually not close to their parents so 👀

i’ve been really busy (unfortunately imo lol) with my dance recital coming up and this singing group (which i don’t like at all) and my final tests bc of school i’m EEK but it’s a good eek i think? maybe? idk lolll, i can’t wait for everything to be over though so i can CHILL. after school however i have a missions trip in north carolina? don’t quote me on that, but yeah 🥰 i’m really excited about it bc i’ll be without my family (like on my own :)) and it’s this whole thing and i’ll get to know people and i’m gonna buy a new bathing suit that makes me look gooooood cuz i’m tryna cop a boyfriend while i’m there HAHAHAH but besides that... more acting and singing camps probably? most likely a summer job.. i don’t have any plans reallyyy set in stone but ya know (ACTUAL i do have a few things planned. but those are things i don’t want to do. so i will be ignoring them <3)

that was a long ass paragraph- but PLEASE UR RESPONSE WAS FINEEE & i love you 💓💓💖💞💘💓💞💕 literally watch me buy a ticket to germany rn

- lovely anon (or catherine? i feel that lovely anon is iconic now tho so. kinda like how i call you aria in my head not your real name lol ALSO I PROMISE IM GONNA RESPOND TO THAT REALLY SOON, it’s just really busy rn) <3

what’s wrong with tumblr i just saw this a minute ago 🥲🥲🥲🥲 they don’t want to see us together ✋🏼 but fuck them 💘

Whaksk wait wdym by you have no grammar? 😭😭hejsjs

Honestly I’m so surprised that I’m enjoying linguistics but i think since i speak english and german i’ve just always been interested in language and esp english since it’s just my second language so i was forced to learn more about the language than just words and grammar, because it’s such a big part of me and also i didn’t always have a british accent so i kind of had to... develop a british accent, and it was natural but also kind of wasn’t??? Anyway why was this one sentence like 17 lines i’m sorry

YES OMG EXACTLY and obviously i’m missing out on the whole uni experience i mean I’m introverted anyway but i don’t mind going to a party every now and then? but i haven’t talked to a single person from my uni (except in class when we had to analyse a poem or something— okay technically some of my friends go to the same uni as me but they’re all studying other stuff)

But yeah I’ll definitely try to meet my friends more often 🥺 but we all have really different schedules rn so it’s really hard to find days where we both/all are free and not too tired and yeahssjsksj but i mean.... i can pay 50% of your ticket to germany? and then we can hang out? 🥰

I think everyone over 18 can get their vaccine from Monday on so I’ll try to call (okay, my mum will call sisjsh) and see if i can get an appointment. but i think everything will be super full because previously only people over... 50?or 60? or people with like illnesses could get it and now everyone over 18 can get it??? Like that’s a lot of people who can suddenly get the vaccine sksjjs but at the same time they’re getting quicker with it (i think today over 1 million people got the vaccine???? Like i know the US probably gets wayyy more people done so idk if that sounds like nothing to you but obviously Germany is much smaller so to me that sounds like a lot???) and also one of my father’s friend’s wife (djdkdj) works at a hospital or something? And she said she’ll ask if I can get it done there so yeah 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

Isksmsjjs it took me so long to figure out what burneks was, i googled it (very weird results?) and then i realised i made a typo.... yeah no idea what i was trying to say lol

So in Germany (as far as I’m aware) you can start at 17 and you can’t have your test before you’re 17 years and 6 months old (idk why) and then you’re not allowed to drive alone until you’re 18 and then you still have two years on probation(is that what it’s called?) and you’re not allowed to drink a single sip of alcohol before you’re 21 (and drive) (cause in germany you’re allowed to drink when you’re 14 (if your parents are with you and allow it), then when you’re 16 you can buy beer and wine, and when you’re 18 you can buy everything. But you’re not allowed to drink and drive (even if it’s just 0.01 promille) until you’re 21)

(Okay I just googled and I don’t think you say pro mille/per mille in english sksjsjs but like the percent (or something...) of alcohol you have in your blood (idk biology sorry) (not that you asked about drinking and driving anyway? 😭 but there you go lmaoo)

Also idk if that’s just a UK thing or you also have it in the US? But all of my relatives from England keep asking me how often I’m driving with my parents (for practice)... and in Germany that’s.... not allowed? Like in england you can get these L (Learner) plates that you can stick on the back of your car and then you can drive anytime with your parents, but in germany you can only drive with your driving instructor during a paid for and legally organised driving lesson so. Kksskaj

Yess, the good thing now is that i can go to england anytime? Because Uni is all online anyway so it’s not like i have to wait until the holidays to see my family, i really hope i’ll see them soon🥺 it was my nana’s bday today and my grandad’s a few weeks ago so i’m painting two pictures for them tomorrow and sending them as a (late) gift next week 😌 (i’ll do like an impressionist ✨field of flowers✨ (that sounds awful sksjsjsj for reference i’ll look something like this: (it’s not mine i just found it on the internet while i was looking for some inspiration

for my nana, and something with a waterfall for my grandad) (looking at it now i don’t even think that’s impressionism? Idfk i had art as my subject for my a levels (like one of my final exams) and i actually got an A 👀 but it was mainly architecture and i don’t even remember that so

Ahhh I hope it’s a good eek!! Sksjj hopefully you’ll be done with everything soon and i already know you’re gonna do really good in all of your tests😌 but still: good luck ❤️❤️❤️

Idk if it’s actually cool? But North Carolina sounds so cool to me (but honestly you could have said any state and i’d think it’s cool sksksskm) And girl I still think it’s so amazing that you just sing and dance and act and omg ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

(I’m imagining us in a montage (?) like they always have in films while we’re shopping to get you a hot bathing suit😌😌 and then they always come home with like 6 shopping bags in the movies—)

This is gonna sound so dumb because who tf wants to work? But I’ve always wanted a summer job 🥲 like nothing too exhausting obviously but i’ve never earned any money by myself? I haven’t had a single job in my life (not that I’m that old and like only one of my friends has worked in her life like we’re young sksjsj) and yeah i think it would be really cool to have a summer job and earn some money 😌 but during the summer holidays (they’re only 6 weeks in germany) we’d always go to england for at least two weeks and then we’d drive to bosnia to see my dad’s family for a few days and then to croatia and then to Bosnia again sksksksms so i never had time for a summer job (obviously i’m aware that it’s a fucking privilege that i’ve never had to work and that i get to go to multiple countries during the holidays but yeah)

WHY DO I TALK SO MUCH AUSSKKSSM

Like I said I’ll pay 50% of your ticket 😌 i’ll be here stuck at home anyway, just let me know when you’re coming so i can come pick you up😌 (this emoji djskksks— but i mean it fits so i’ll use it as often as i can 😌)

Lovely anon IS iconic 😌✨ but Catherine is more than okay too🥰 so just say whatever you prefer ❤️

(And omg you never have to apologise for responding to my long ass, full-of-mistakes responses late sksjs take your time (i mean i wouldn’t be mad if you just didn’t respond to some of them i talk too much anyway <3333)

#lovely anon #<3

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thepandemicinterviews · 4 years

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Mikki, July 11 2020, Melbourne

During the course of my interview with Mikki, I realised eight minutes too late that half of what had been said so far had not recorded. This lost section illustrates for me two things: 1) the fallibility of technology, and 2) the irrecoverable nature of speech. Thinking about the former, I consider phone calls that cut in and out, one friend lagging behind the others. For a short while, whenever Mikki and I called, only one person could be heard at a time, so I had to make sure not to “mm” in response or I’d risk cutting her off. This meant monologuing and not interrupting, something akin to the interview form.

I’ve always been attracted to the interview. I think teenage magazines, which I read religiously (often standing in the supermarket aisle with the magazines and stationery and greeting cards), were the first indicator of this love. A decade later, recently, I reflected on the unique beauty of speech in written form in Rachel Cusk’s “Outline” trilogy, which are written almost entirely through her characters’ monologue-style speech. I then read her interview in the Paris Review, in which she says the following:

I suppose I recognised that certain worlds could be almost prepared for me by other people, that other people had abilities to perceive their experiences in ways that I found really useful. That sounds a bit like I got other people to do the work for me, but I just thought, Actually you can just use that particular narrative gift for narrative form in speech. […] I think what I was looking for in writing these books was almost a sound frequency. I think I’m very aware when these passages of life occur—when people are able to give voice to themselves. One of the things that is said about these books is, People don’t talk like that. But I think they probably do. Maybe not all the time, but I think they do. The people that I tend to have speaking in my books have a momentary emergence, like someone getting out of the sea and standing on a rock for a minute and sort of looking around, and for whatever reason they can see where they are.

Like Cusk, I wish to glean from others’ experiences, to pay attention to them, and in doing so, give rise to that “momentary emergence.” Interviews allow speech to be consecrated. One can give voice to oneself, then see spoken words turned into black text. The transcriber imagines commas and full stops, moulding the chaos of speech into tidy sentences. The speech is exalted.

Perhaps what makes an interview so daunting, and so singular in its form, is its promise of structured spontaneity. More structured than a conversation, less structured than a piece of writing. Inside it, operating within a space of pure question and response, subjective experience can resound and stand alone.

I wanted to begin this project with Mikki because she is, in every way, brilliant, but also because she has had to experience Covid-19 after moving to Melbourne in February, away from family and friends. Basically, very alone (alone being almost synonymous with the experience of the virus). Now, as cases in Melbourne continue to rise again, she’s moved into a new house, and has entered week one of their six-week lockdown. We discuss existential versus tangible stresses, our displaced visual landscapes, and the limitations of empathy within collective – and yet, so individual – suffering.

C: Mikki, you found out that you tested negative for Covid today. How did you feel when you saw that text?

M: I was really sleepy because it came through before six in the morning and so I felt slightly relieved but also just felt very silly for having worried so much. But also felt very justified for having worried. Then just thought about all the possible timelines and the things that could have happened. So it was overwhelming but in a nice way.

C: When you say the possible timelines, what would have happened if you had tested positive?

M: It would have changed the way this month plays out. So I was working out how it would change my housemates’ plans for moving today, and then how it would then affect all the things that need to happen in the next few weeks. It would mean that I would need to isolate here, so I would need to do my assignment here and wouldn’t be able to leave to my new place, and just change the whole future of July 2020 for me personally.

C: I felt that way when it was March and I felt like every decision I made was contingent on every other thing that happened which was often not in my control. Do you feel like this week has been the most intense week during this period in terms of personal stresses?

M: I think so. It’s been the most actively intense week I guess. Like I felt stressed about tangible real things that maybe didn’t necessarily require the level of stress I was experiencing but still were very real and very scary in practical ways. Whereas, the stress and intensity I felt in March and April was much more existential and about my emotions, I guess, for different reasons. Whereas this felt so tied to real, terrifyingly tangible stresses.

C: When you say that it felt existential back in March, can you elaborate on that?

M: I’m never a hundred percent sure if I’m using the word properly [laughs]. But I think I just felt very aware of literally living and existing and how I was experiencing being alive and all the ways that I could feel throughout a day, or a week, or a month. I was just so aware of every tiny experience and so obviously questioned every aspect of my experiences, I guess. Partly because I had all this time to do that and was so intensely alone that I was forced to do that. This time felt really different to that because things don’t feel as abstract.

C: And with all that time alone, other than thinking, how did you pass that time?

M: I watched so many music videos. I discovered that I can just lie down and watch music videos with my headphones on and feel so much. What else did I do… I called people a lot and I went on walks and for brief periods I’d read and watch movies and feel really good about that. Obviously write my essays, but really slowly. And started drinking tea so, so frequently throughout each day. And I guess just made a lot of plans, just solidified ideas – I guess that kind of comes under thinking. But just, I guess, restructured how I think. It felt like I could just intensely feel an emotion and embrace that feeling and work out which other senses I could use to further feel that feeling and ride it out and just experience it fully. And that was like an activity, and a thing that I could be doing in a way that it never has been before.

C: It sounds very therapeutic. A mindfulness guru we have in our midst. Daphne’s volunteering for this mindfulness group at the moment where they just slowly eat raisins. I guess just having the lack of external influence to allow you this space to drink tea and watch your music videos. Do you think that’s something you’ll hold with you when you do get busier – that experience?

M: Yeah, absolutely. I feel like the only other time I’d understood that was the one week at the end of January when I smoked weed each night and just enjoyed feeling really good in all these ways. But that was so short-lived and so brief, and I feel like I’ve extended that now, but without needing any kind of substance, just fully enjoying being comfortable…

C: So this new lockdown – six weeks – having that set timeframe. How do you feel about that and is there anything you hope to achieve in the second lockdown?

M: Yeah, it definitely is quite a set time. I was talking about that just earlier today, about how that’s different psychologically to being told that something’s happening indefinitely and that would change how you think about it. I am kind of seeing it as a second chance in a way, like Lockdown: Take 2 [laughs]. Like a time to do all the things that you hoped to do the first time round, but obviously were never going to accomplish. This feels like the chance to do that. So part of me does want to end up becoming a runner by the end of it, or someone who does yoga all the time. But I also just hope that I’m someone who’s a bit more solidly in the real world by the end of it. And feel a bit more able to engage with the external world more comfortably and feel like a real person who exists in a tangible world that’s external to me and my own mind. Because I think at the start of it, so the next few weeks, I definitely will keep being very gentle with myself and move with whatever mood or feeling needs to happen and just try to ride out the next few weeks, I guess. And still try to achieve the things I have to do but without any real world pressures because it doesn’t feel like I’m back in the real world yet. I think I do hope by the end of the six weeks I am a bit more solidly in the world and able to interact with people without feeling like it’s all a bit imaginary. And be ready to be doing uni subjects a bit more seriously, and start looking for a job, and be a bit more down-to-earth, be solidly on the ground kind of vibe.

C: Do you feel like it gives you a bit more time to realise what you want before feeling fully settled? Do you feel like it’s kind of a good thing for where you’re at to have this extra time?

M: Yeah, I think it is. It feels a bit sad to have started to have these nice things, like seeing people occasionally and being able to relax a bit, not feeling that stress. It was nice just feeling like life was picking up in that way. But I think for me, still kind of feeling like I am quite alone, and I do want to take all this learning and growth, becoming different and new in all these ways out of this time I have, where I am forced to be alone. In that sense I think it does feel like a nice bit of extra room to do that comfortably.

C: You mentioned moodboards before, when I think it wasn’t recording. What images come to mind when you think of this year? Not January, of course, because that was a very different time.

M: This is super obvious and has been the case for nearly everyone I love, but the sky at dusk has been a really clear daily chance to really feel something. Something that changes all the time. I think just striking visuals in general have been something I’ve been able to appreciate more. It’s as though colours and images or videos of people in really good or interesting outfits carry so much more weight and power in a way. I feel like I can appreciate them so much more. So those are some of the images that I’ve been much more struck by than usual, I guess. I feel like the things I look at in real life are so limited, you know, like I just look out the same few windows, and walk the same couple of parks, and go to the same shops. But then at the same time, the things I’m looking at online are so much more varied and diverse and I’m giving them so much more attention and time that it feels like they’re all more powerful. Oh, and also just my big blue jumper has become such a staple and all my bed sheets and pillows are different shades of blue, but the jumper just typifies that soft, comfy, homey – soft colours, but also warm soft cosy overall sensation. I think it represents that all in itself.

C: It does. So you’ve learnt a lot about yourself of course, but do you feel like you’ve learnt a lot about other people, people in general, specific people?

M: Hmm. I don’t know if I’ve really learnt about other people. I think I’ve seen more of certain parts of different people I know, because our relationships are obviously really different, and it brings out new dynamics and certain aspects of everyone’s personalities are amplified in different ways.

C: In terms of different opinions towards the whole situation or?

M: In terms of how people think and feel. I guess because I’m in a new place, it’s kind of been a really specific way of highlighting how different people think and act. There’s just been such clear divides between people who are partying recently and out in bars and stuff, and people who are following the rules because they’re the laws but aren’t necessarily super invested in the reality of the health crisis and your responsibilities in your communities and so on. And then the people who are most disadvantaged by this and are just in such a completely different world to the people who are out dancing, happy they can do that. So it’s kind of been really stark seeing those differences play out, and mainly through my phone or laptop as well, like not in person. I guess also seeing people respond to stuff, like with the public housing hard lockdown, seeing people really quickly working out ways to donate stuff and help with various things. I think that kind of brought out people’s opinions especially starkly. In so many ways. Obviously, seeing the government’s responses has also been super informative, and feels like it all lines up with the last essay I did, which was all about incarceration in Victoria and how indigenous women are disproportionately affected. And seeing that conflict between a fairly progressive government in a lot of ways, but then a really harsh, tough crime, law-and-order focused, criminal justice agenda. And that’s come out really clearly again recently.

C: Like you can’t be both.

M: Yeah, well it just kind of feels really extreme how it somehow goes so hand-in-hand in this state.

C: I think at the beginning of everything, just speaking on a very vague global level, I thought everyone is kind of going through the same thing worldwide. You never get to experience that level of – like I could talk to anyone in the world and say, “How’s it affecting you?”, “Same.” But then I think as the months progressed and different countries went different directions. And on a local level, different types of people had different experiences and it reinforced existing hierarchies.

M: Totally. It was such a shift from we’re all in this together to realising that just couldn’t be further from the truth, basically. And how false it was.

C: Yeah, and all the blaming of people and outrage. I think in particular, in Australia and New Zealand, it’s been a big part of the conversation around outbreaks. Blaming people for not being perfect and not having the empathy to understand why someone might be more likely to pass it on due to living conditions or just personal situations.

M: It’s been so extreme seeing that play out. Especially with the recent Victorian spike, I feel like the discourse has become so much more about blaming people who are doing the wrong thing. Even where government policy failures are also a huge part of that story as well. Yeah, it’s so interesting in terms of empathy, actually. It’s kind of helped people develop empathy in some ways, in terms of unemployment for some people and what that’s like, or what poverty is like, or social isolation or being lonely or being anxious or not having access to the same food or resources. But then also seeing how limited that empathy is in other ways. That’s such a strange conflict I think.

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ohisthistakenaswell · 3 years

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graduation?

About 3 weeks since school officially ended. It’s crazy to think that i made it out alive. 4 years of mental havoc (and a few moments of bliss), and here i am! Graduated with a degree i used to think i wasn’t suited for, but i know now more than ever than i am, and was. Such an interesting journey in self-exploration and finding my own identity and voice and purpose in this world. I’m thankful though, of all the things i’ve went through and all the people that’ve been specially and specifically placed in my life through different seasons of it. You know who you are. Maybe i’ll write a retrospective post soon.. who knows? I’m a lazy loose cannon these days lol. What a weird way of using that analogy but it speaks volumes about my inherent laziness and over-clouded brain. Many times i find myself stuck between piecing my thoughts into proper coherent sentences and not bothering at all. BUT AS YOU KNOW I AM DIGRESSING :’D

Today we got an email telling us that our commencement has been cancelled. Well not really, it’s being moved online, but cancelled nonetheless. Sucks, but i am honestly unfazed. Probably saw it coming a month ago, probably shouldn’t have collected my gown a week early. But it’s okay! I can write another rant post about who is to blame for all this covid mess but I AM DIGRESSING AGAIN.

Or am i? I don’t know. I didn’t really set out a clear agenda for this post. No thesis statement. It’s just a slurry of words in rapid fire from my mind, or as fast as my fingers can type. I guess i wanted to talk about how crappy it was that my graduation from uni became so anticlimactic, but as i’m typing i realised it’s really okay. We play the cards we’re dealt with and hope for the best. That’s all that we can really do, right? Why hold bitter feelings when life has so much more to offer? When Jesus has already redeemed you from your bondage of sin? You’re already set free, so let it go thad, let it all go. (cue something from norah jones or maybe hillsong idk lol)

SO I GUESS the purpose of this post is to tell you that i have a lot of things bothering me (most of which i have not penned down), but i’ll be okay :-) I’ve really begun to appreciate negativity in its bare essence. It’s okay to have negative feelings and thoughts. It’s all part of the human experience. But let it be a reminder that even as you walk though life with a sad little rain cloud, there will always be sunlight that will pierce its way though that thick cloud of negativity. A ray of hope, as you will. A prospect of good things to come. Why? Because Jesus says so. He claims so. He demands it so. With His Godly prerogative, He tells you that things WILL look up, and you will find it in you to smile again. :-) That’s His grace. A stamp of His love in your sad pathetic miserable life. LOL. A down will always have an up. Positives will always have negatives. Let this be a prayer - you won’t be sad forever. A valley is only a valley when it is part of a hilltop. Don’t look up, nor down, but look forward. Smile in the face of adversity, because our God is always good, and His mercies endureth forever.

also life update (i guess), since this post has no coherency whatsoever:

i started working at a cafe (well it was 2 cafes but covid ensues)! It’s hella boring because of the new dining restrictions, and it sucks that i won’t get to explore my coffee interests in the other cafe (they were supposed to have a soft opening soon and was training me to be a barista but oh well). But in the meantime i have been practicing my latte art at home and tbh it has been a messy disaster 90% of the time LOL but i am confident i’ll be able to make a basic tulip by the end of the month!!!

i am also teaching myself how to sew & i bought a small portable sewing machine from shopee how fun!!

& i met this incredible friend recently and Lord i am so so so thankful! I’ve honestly never met someone who could talk to me and relate to me on such a deep personal & emotional level. I’m truly blessed :’( You really restored what i lost in the friendship department with something much better. Ok i didn’t lose anything, but it was an unwilling acceptance in moving forward. So yes, thank You :-)

OK WOW WHAT A LONG POST. Might as well just tell you what’s on my mind now, in conclusion -

thinking of eating that char siew pau i bought just now but i am feeling guilty from all the food i’ve eaten today so maybe nah?

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supertrappedinlife · 3 years

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I am down

Been a while. So this is where I am. I know there are quite a few people who can relate.

Husbands work is in the ‘slow’ season. Which means he’s off more than hes working. Don’t qualify for EI. Don’t qualify for any of the income supplement programs because company says its not due to covid. Its their normal down time. I make crap for income.

Result: Probably not gonna be able to make the next round of payments for where we live or the car (its used not new but we didn’t have the cash to purchase it outright). Out of savings. $1500 into an overdraft just to pay last months bills.

and then its like.. who the hell cares. Families living on minimum wage are in the same boat. People who’s jobs have been shut down are in the same boat. Its modern society. Folks in a good position don’t care about those that aren’t. Folks leading countries will talk a great talk but balk at actually improving the life of those not so fortunate.

Now don’t get me wrong. I get those that say they worked hard. I also get the fact that for a large portion of people its not gonna matter how hard you work. I personally? I’m disabled. I can’t drive. I have trouble remembering to eat once during the day. I live my daily life based on alarms. There are alarms for everything. When to wake up, when to make food for the kids, when to leave the house to get them to the bus on time. I have alarms set that tell me when (and who) to pay a bill for. Don’t confuse my inability to manage many aspects of day to day life as being stupid. Or do.. Its not like it is gonna affect my life in any way, shape or form.

I actually learn new things all the time. Right now for example I have a friend studying film and tv in Uni. I’m learning all about that. The history of cinematography (woot spelled it right) and the history of television and the impact it has had in society.

Now I thought that with the currently pandemic and classes going online, that maybe I could upgrade my learning so I could actually try to get into a course and improve myself to the point where I could get a better job than just watching someone’s kid for a whopping 20 bucks a day. Turns out, the exact courses I need? Yeah.. they are classroom only. Husband figured out the math, we would need to provide care for 2 kids (one autistic) for 12 hours a week, plus travel expenses of approx 240 dollars a week, for a period of 5 months... We can’t even cover rent right now and that is somehow feasable? The only grant I am eligible for only offers up to 1500 to cover the full five months. So do the math on how much extra we have to come up with just to upgrade my education with the 5 month course.

Remember how i said I can’t drive? I know how to drive an automatic. I know the basics of it. I can’t get out of our parking lot without having a panic attack so bad the last time I tried (yes I do have my learners. Not like it does me much good) that I almost totalled the car. Oddly enough I only have panic attacks when I have an adult passenger in the passenger seat. Its due to trauma when I was younger and first learning to drive. (who the hell thinks its a good idea to pull the e-brake when you are teaching someone with no driving experience to drive when they are heading through a intersection) Its induced trauma.

Notice how I said earlier, don’t confuse my inability with stupid? Yeah. I’m not stupid. I will admit I’m no genius but I’m not stupid. I may not understand the math and finer points of english (writing mainly) past a grade 11 level, but I’m not stupid. I have read many things. I know a lot in various areas of life. I know tidbits that theoretically I shouldn’t be able to understand at all. They just kinda end up useless due to the fact that I couldn’t wrap my head around the grade 12 subjects well enough to graduate. I may not be able to figure out modern calculus or algebra. I may not be able to write an A+ quality essay. But I know enough and am smart enough that my kids are able to keep up with their grade level and my son (the kid that is autistic) only has a lightly modified program. He is still learning at his appropriate grade lvl. (although I the bleeping math program this year on angles and crap like that made me cringe)

I guess the bright side is I’m the failure at life. Not them. And in the end, I have to be comforted that while my life is half over and I can’t chart a path through my issues to a better life, I managed to get them to do better than myself. I pushed and got my son the aide in school that will help him succeed. I was the one who worked with my daughter every night to teach her to read so that the teacher is beyond happy with her reading abilities. I may not have managed to get a good career or understood enough on my own to finish school. I may get defeated time and time again trying to get my GED so that I can enroll in a college/Uni course to get a good job. I may never be able to control my panic attacks enough to do my road test. But I will be damned if I don’t push and fight to ensure they have a better shot then I did.

In the end, I’m defeated but I refuse to be my mother and say... I have a smart kid. I don’t need to push for them to get helped to succeed.

Note: to give you an idea, I needed the help my son gets in school. I challenge the GED at a grade 11 level. I did that with a mother who didn’t even notice that my youngest sister couldn’t even read kindergarten level picture books until the teacher discovered it when she was in grade 4. My kids are as smart as their peers. Smart kids need help sometimes too. Oh and no I can’t take a bus to find a job, bus route doesn’t come out this far and its a 4 hour walk to the nearest set of business for me. I have bad hips on top of everything else. When it rains it pours. So for the folks who like me suffer with crippling depression and other issues. Take comfort in the hell that is my life. For those that have it worse. I offer you a hug and sincere hopes that your situation improves.

#Depressing stuff #life sucks

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skipzujinskip · 4 years

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goals for july 2020

In order for me to be on a roll, and get usual indecisive and messy ass together. I am gonna just set some goals and try to be a better person than I was yesterday. Aye it’s never too late to start a new beginning and its never too late to start on these goals and work hard for the results. In a perfect time to occupy myself in a lot of things and keep myself busy due to the COVID-19 situation, it’s time to be properly committed.

JULY 2020 GOALS

Get my STUDYING ON A ROLL

NO MORE LEAVING SHIT LAST MINUTE!!!!! Being a Fashion Marketing Uni student is NO FUN AND GAMES! 😭There is a whole lotta madness and elements to it all and let me just say, I WAS NOT PREPARED THIS YEAR TO EXPECT ALL OF THIS. So far I am lucky this trimester after the first set of assignment, the weight of all the assignments are a lot lighter since the first of assignments were kinda hectic but you know, you gotta channel that inner phoenix rising from the fire. The current set of assignments are more group-based and more creative and fun:

Fashion Blog - The most creative yet challenging assignment for the Fashion Influencers class. I am still yet to decide what platform to really but this blog through, we already have a name though 🤪, ‘CrazySweetSavage’. I still need to decide what to post and what kind of direction I am heading with the blog. I just believe this fashion blog can be more than just an assignment for me, it can be something I can really air out my creativity without feeling any pressure. Instagram is great but I feel so iffy for some reason and I don’t know why. Maybe with this fashion blog it can get me outta my comfort zone and I can really gain more confidence in showing off my creativity cause I am still timid about it I guess?! 🤨

Marketing Plan - Aye, we just finished the first assignment for the Marketing class. I am yet to expect what there is to this but WE WILL BE ON A ROLL FOR THIS ASSIGNMENT. I swear on my knees I will slay it. 😊

Group Projects - The last two classes which are Critical Survey and Business Strategy and Design Thinking are both group efforts. I am happy to work with two of my closest friends in uni for both assignments but I am questioning if I am making enough effort 😔. In both assignments, we are exploring the topic of size inclusiveness and innovations we can come up with to meet problems of the topic.

Hopefully I CAN ALSO GET MY NOTES DONE! 🤬I have been slacking off it so we better get a move on. I got my whiteboard so I can organise what days and the time to do it all. Even with the second lockdown in Melbourne, I got less shifts at work and there is NO EXCUSE not to do it all. 😤

Getting my BODY ON A ROLL

I have been slacking off of Chloe Ting’s workouts after a while... Well 2 weeks and a half to be exact 😳! Ever since I lost my last pair of contact lenses I have not been able to do my workouts. I know, I know!! EXCUSES, EXCUSES. Really, I cannot workout when I am blind and I rely my workouts on my flatscreen with Chloe Ting on there. I should memorise the workouts after a while of doing them but I have a pint sized brain and memory 🙈.

Along with the absence of working out, my eating habits have become worse. It became Maccas, HSPs and a whole lotta pure junk. I also HAVEN’T BEEN DRINKING THAT MUCH WATER, which is UNBELIEVABLE 😑. Back then, I was eating good, I needed at least some veggies every meal along with a protein, and on mornings I would enjoy a nice warm sweet bowl of oatmeal, honey and sliced bananas 😔.

Here are the fitness/body/lifestyle(?) goals I need to keep up with in order to achieve my body goals before this year ends:

WORKING OUT - I am giving my self an hour a day or at least three days a week depending how intense the workouts I follow by Chloe Ting are. I trust Chloe Ting cause it seems like I can actually see results since other people has done them. I had seen a difference til those tragic last 2 weeks happened 😤.

EATING HEALTHY - I need to go back to my diet of having protein with veggies and portion off some carbs. I also need to aim for a least a day or 2 for cheat meals. 😩MY HABITS WERE TERRIBLE THOSE 2 WEEKS. Also, I am going to need a list of fruits and other stuff to satisfy my deadly sweet tooth 😁. I also need to get my water consumption ON A ROLL. 2L a day, let’s get that bladder moving per usual.

I need to also remember that - IT IS NOT A RACE, IT IS A MARATHON 😉!! Nothing comes overnight and that I need to earn it just like what I did with my job at work.

Have my room/home-life ON A ROLL

I live in a pigsty 😕... I come home to mess and shit all around my room and it is seriously and unbearable. Happy home = happy mood. I don’t know how I can get my lazy ass to get up and clean around. However with all this goal setting, hopefully I can pick myself up and get to it. Even after cleaning, I NEED TO MAINTAIN HOW NEAT IT IS 😩!! Not to worry, I just gotta channel my inner Monica Gellar and we will get there.

The To-Do list for my room:

Re-do closet: I have a lot of clothes that are just lying there and have not been worn once this year and yet I still keep buying and buying 🤡! I might create a sack of of unwanted clothes and ship it off my relatives to the Philippines or to a charity store. Even with my retail job, hopefully I can rearrange my closet nicely.

Clean up my desk: Arguably the easily messiest part of my room. I am not really satisfied with my desk and every time I clean it, I still feel just BLEH about it. I might revamp it and just order some desk decor so hopefully that is better.

Find some storage for OLD UNNECESSARY SHIT: They may be unnecessary but these things can at least help someone or just be put away or burnt. I have no idea. I got old school books under my bed and in my closet and that shit needs to go!!

As I said before with LOCKDOWN 2.0 being around, there are no excuses not to clean! 👺

WORK & MONEY ON A ROLL (🤔)

I don’t know LOL 😂!! Like I said before, I don’t have much shifts due to the current situation. Therefore, I see less $$$ going into my account. However, once again, MY LAZY ASS needs to apply for youth allowance. The whole application takes ages and I understand! Ever since I have gotten this new Macbook AKA my beautiful Ramona, I have became so broke like I NEED TO GET THIS stuff outta the way.

The priorities right now:

GET THAT DAMN APPLICATION DONE.

However I need to check if the place is still open cause the documentation that I need to supply, I cannot provide proof for some reason so I gotta get there myself. 😫THE STRUGGLES ARGHHHHH!!

Me needs to be ON A ROLL. period. 🤭

In order to get myself on a roll, thus this far, the goal setting and this blog will hopefully put me on a right track. I have been doing really shitty things to cope with it all, I don’t wanna go in depth cause I am gonna get all these things coming on to me like:

“WTF DON’T DO THAT”

“THAT IS STUPID”

“WOW SO DRAMATIC, IT ISN’T THAT DEEP”

Honestly, my mental health has been all over the place this year. I mean last year was when I was on my lowest of all lows. With so many things arriving to me, it gets too much sometimes. I mean, I would have never expected the things that happened this year to occur. Was I prepared for this new chapter of life? Absolutely not!! I have gotten new friends, a new job and new perspective in life. Life is a complete 180 compared to the messy year previously. 2019 was NO JOKE. I am grateful for 2020 and the new blessings I was offered.

Somehow I feel like I have gotten it all in this life right now and it seems like I got myself together. That is not really the case though 🧐. Just like that song that Britney Spears sang, “Lucky”:

“If there is nothing, missing in my life then why do these tears come at night?...”

It’s obvious that I am not satisfied just yet. I still have a lot to go. There are so many things I need to work on and that is on my self esteem, my confidence and really trusting myself and being able to forgive myself from past experiences. Most of these are due to because I do not have a significant other or nobody “hitting me up”. I know, why the fuck do I honestly need someone to satisfy myself? I just feel the pressure of being that 19 year old that has not really fell in love with anyone yet. I mean my lucky 13-15 year old self had experienced what it was like to fall in love for the first time. In all seriousness, being in love in your early teens is way different to falling in love in your late teens to young adult ages. In that late teens to young adult stage - love is strived for a long term. Maybe I strive for a longterm relationship and that is why I am very careful with who I fall for and let in.

Nowadays love has no limits in terms of everything for me. Let it be a guy or a girl. Maybe I am not in a relationship yet because I am not ready for it and I just need time to really focus on myself and really heal whatever is hurting. I have all these amazing opportunities that the universe has provided me, maybe love is not what I need right now and I need to understand that. The thought of not having anyone hitting me up or not being in a relationship has really made me insecure. I always thought I was either too fat, too ugly or too “out there”. At the end of the day, that person would love me for who I am and the way I am, that person would not want me to change a damn thing about myself. It’s all a matter of just waiting. The universe is really taking its time for the person that will soon reach out to me and who I will reach out for.

I often put myself down because of this but at the end of day, this is my life and that I cannot keep putting myself down. I need to be more kinder to myself and really give myself credit. I am progressing myself through just accepting the past for what it is and really becoming a person that i’ve always wanted to be. I want to be someone that is caring, someone you can rely on, that is there for a fun time. I am reaching the path of wanting to become someone that is passionate and committed for what they wanna do for the future and really pave a way for people. I am so much different from the past but there are still things I cannot accept but I will get there hopefully.

I also need to trust the universe and its magic. However, those pick-a-card readings and horoscope readings have given me more of an understanding why I am feeling this way and to understand myself better. So to simplify, patience and trust is what I need to build on and equip and just believing in myself and what the universe has to offer. I believe the universe is crafting something for me that impactful and hopefully just beautiful.

Basically I need to work on:

Being more kinder to myself

Being more patient with myself and the universe

Believing and trusting the universe and what it is doing

Forgive yourself from past mistakes

Be grateful what 2020 has given you.

I also need to work on stuff that will make me less lonely when I have those days or those moments. I feel like my worst enemy when I am by myself. So I need think of ways that will uplift and brighten me up and can improve in taking care of myself better.

Watching more anime - Let’s try and get through Sailor Moon and all of those Netflix animes and other people’s recommendations 🤩🤩🤩

Being committed to my daily and night skin routine - Just because I feel depressed or sad does not mean I cannot do pamper up!! GOD DAMN ZU! 🤨Since we are not able to go to the city which where I get all my skincare goodies from, we are going to need to research and choose wisely products that are accessible around me and MAYBE find something online. I don’t trust online stuff but whatever.

It’s gonna take a lot of time and there is a lot of things on my plate clearly. All of these goals will hopefully get me on a roll to a more HAPPY, POSITIVE AND BRIGHT direction in life. I always have to remember to be grateful for the blessings that have been provided for me and to really work hard for more blessings. I never deserved what I have, I always had to earn through working hard for what I always want in this life that is the way of the knight.

This is the knight signing off, heading to getting myself and my “all over the place” ass on a roll ✌️!!

- Zujin De Torres

#2020 #blog #goals #july

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