ohisthistakenaswell

[ohisthistakenaswell]

cough syrup

I write this while stuck in my room, with covid. HAHAHAHAAH. :’D It’s incredibly ironic, because i took my booster a week ago, hoping to score some WFH days. And not shy of a week later, i got hit. Kinda makes you wonder if the booster’s just a pseudo, made to soothe our hearts and minds, when in actual fact we’re all bound to get it eventually; not a matter of how, but when. More WFH days i guess :-D 

But if i don’t recover by Tues, I’ll have to burn money on some theatre tickets i booked. Don’t even know if it’s transferrable. Was joking with zaccy that i might end up ODing on cough syrup if i don’t recover in time :’D lmao. But also, yes, I’ve been burning a lot of money lately, some incidental, some on purpose. I... don’t want to talk about it. :’) iykyk.

So yes, covid. Isolating in my room, feeling all groggy and weak, yet somehow the thoughts don’t come anymore. They’ve stopped coming a while back, and i’m in such a good place. I’ve mentioned on ig that i think this year is going to be a year of change, of exploration, and i’m beginning to see the fruits of that declaration. Many things are changing, and i’m glad they are. You’re stirring up the old leftover miso soup and heating it up again. With new spring onions and chopped parsley. And tofu! Mmmm :-) 

And... work update (i suppose) - 

It’s been 9 months! Reaching my 1 year mark soon. And I see Your favour surrounding me like a shield, gift wrapping me to the managers. I sometimes ask, why me? of all people, why me? i’m not the smartest, i’m not the quickest learner, yet those words still ring in my head - “i see drive and passion in you.” It’s crazy! Crazy to think that this lousy good for nothing always late always bickering engineer gets special attention just because of God’s goodness. How can!!! And everyone jokes that i’m going to be the next up and coming manager. Ha. YA RIGHT. Funny hor! But in God’s ecosystem, who am i to say otherwise? I don’t want to let it get to my head, and i pray for humility everyday, because i know for a fact that i am nothing without Your grace. I’m inconsistent, and dispensable, yet You cherry picked me among all the other more capable scholars out there. It’s still a big question mark to me. But if favour means doing Your work and spreading Your grace, i’m all for it :-). I’m all for You. 

(cue shengsiong joke)

And last but definitely not least (far from it, actually),

hi Z. hehehehehehehehehehheehehehe.

if u ever see this, know that, from the bottom of my heart, i believe God is doing a new thing, and i’m so so so excited for whats to come, i actually really just wanted to say hi. 

okbye. xoxo

[ohisthistakenaswell]

crooked stride

Typing this down as i listen to my own recording of a little worship session i had for myself - in my own room - while the 830pm sermon blasts on my headphones. I had set my headphones down on my messy table. I was zoning out, and my heart was yearning for something personal, more intimate. Not to say service was bad - maybe the problem’s with me to begin with. But anywho -  - i will follow after you (ncc) - fix my eyes (kings kaleidoscope) - you are my desire (ncc)

i told myself, as the amplitude visuals on my recording app danced in-tandem, that i wouldn’t let the recording pressure affect me like it always has. “I’ll choose to ignore it,” but i never will. Will i ever? This unsettling need to ‘perform’ and do better the moment i press record... is my dull and insipid narcissism ever curable? The obvious textbook answer is no, but we still try our best anyway. So i did. And through the faults and cracks, i sang away. Gentle and unwavering. Out of breathe. A low tier anxiety brews. But i pushed through anyway, and my spirit man couldn’t care too. Because i was alive, and God heard me. When fix my eyes came, my eyes welled up. A song i stumbled upon a few years ago on youtube, in what i remembered as a live stripped down rendition of their own song, had so much to offer - lyrically, and more importantly, spiritually. It speaks of, and for, the struggling christian; a constant battle to want to please God, yet having to deal with our own personal shortfalls and inadequacies. Often we like to blame the devil for the bad in our lives, but maybe we ought to look inward and recognise that we have an equal part to play in our own destruction. An impending implosion. Any time now! Tick.. tick..

Heal my broken body, cure my crooked stride

Throw off every weight and sin that clings so closely

I will run the race enduring for Your glory

A desperate plea. An agonising cry. For God to save us. Will He ever come? Is the human condition curable?

Thad, don’t ever forget this: He already did. He already saved. 

We get so distracted by our own sin in real-time that we delay the cross. For our own introspection’s sake? No!!! Hey now! God doesn’t care if you’re introspective! Don’t waste your time and look to the cross instead! Fix. Your. Eyes. On. Jesus. 

And then the chorus goes:

I fix my eyes on You,

the founder and the finisher of our faith.

I fix my eyes on You,

the solace in Your suffering is my strength

The solution God provided - right in front of us, yet we choose to ignore It. Why are we the way that we are? Why do we allow ourselves to be so easily succumbed to unnecessary thoughts when grace is already here? Always has been. Let Him in. 

But, i say this with a caveat. It will always be a struggle. My christian walk has never been an upward journey. I was never able to ride the grace high longer than a day. In the past 2 years, i’ve experienced wave after wave of sin, secularity, and outright defiance. I didn’t intend any of it. Cross my heart, i really didn’t. But i’m.. human. Gullible and foolish as i am, i always succumb. But it takes a sinner to know how much he needs saving. It takes a fallen man to recognise how much he needs grace. And also, unfortunately, even outside the realm of sin, it’s still a struggle. As CS Lewis puts it, “Everyone has noticed how hard it is to turn our thoughts to God when everything is going well with us. We find God an interruption.”

I guess the point i’m trying to drive at, thad, is this:  When you’re running back to Him, don’t dwell on the pensive introspectiveness, or the ‘sorry’s. Recognise them, yes, but immediately fix your eyes on Jesus. At the cross. Don’t let what He did go to waste. Cherish every second of it. Of salvation, and redemption. Fix your eyes on what’s more important. Outro. 

You help me breathe, You’re the only life i need.

You died for me, You’re the only life i need.

I sang pretty well tonight. Who’d have thought haha (my past self recordings would beg to differ). I guess i learnt another lesson in vanity too - worship should always be done from the heart.

[ohisthistakenaswell]

An administrative error

[ohisthistakenaswell]

Adulthood

Tomorrow i officially start work at micron. For the past few days i have been harbouring ill feelings about my 4-year bond, and how it feels like i am restricting myself to a life of career bondage and stress LOL sounds so bleak and dramatic but it really feels that way. I guess i didn’t fully accept it until today - my last few hours of freedom (again, sorry for being dramatic).

I suppose i’m feeling this way because for 21 years of my life, studying has been my main purpose and driving force. The things i do and strive for are for the sake of grades and education and learning. But now, at the tier end of this journey, i’m still left with many questions unanswered, and many things left undiscovered. And now they’re pushing me out into the workforce with a degree and just like that i’m expected to perform and function as a working adult? HOW. HAHA. I don’t know how. Will i ever know how? Do adults know they are adults, or were they just forced into the role because society dictated it? Will i ever be ready? 

In the car ride home i was talking to chloe about what she felt like starting work straight after poly ended. It’s odd because whenever i ask this question people don’t really have an answer for it. This monumental transitory phase between student and working adult happens so quickly that we often don’t get the chance to relish or process it. She couldn’t give me a direct answer, apart from “tired” HAHA. An apt response. But here i am, with hours left before my first day for the rest of my life. It is, isn’t it? You’ve been a student all your life, and now you’re venturing into uncharted territory - the vast unknown - with your whole life ahead of you. You’ll be working for the next 40 some years, which is twice of your entire life as a student. Crazy, if you think about it. Your new life is about to begin. A new season. A new experience. A fresh start. 

But don’t look ahead too quickly, for in a blink of an eye you’ll find yourself at the end again. So take this time to slow down and look up once in a while. Breathe in the fresh air, look towards the sky as far as your eye can reach. There is so much more that this world has to offer. Have a thankful heart, a grateful heart. 4 years is a very long time. A lot of things can happen in 4 years. A lot of good things. And remember to smile once in a while! Find joy at work. A joy that comes from above. It’s very easy to lose yourself in the process, many have. But you have a different portion in this season, in this lifetime. Hone it, claim it, accept it. 

It’s funny how i try to pep talk myself when i’m still shaking on the inside. The heart of the matter is, i don’t know what to expect or how to react, and that’s okay. It’s okay to not know and have it all figured out. It’s okay to be scared. 

“We’ll do it together.”

[ohisthistakenaswell]

graduation?

About 3 weeks since school officially ended. It’s crazy to think that i made it out alive. 4 years of mental havoc (and a few moments of bliss), and here i am! Graduated with a degree i used to think i wasn’t suited for, but i know now more than ever than i am, and was. Such an interesting journey in self-exploration and finding my own identity and voice and purpose in this world. I’m thankful though, of all the things i’ve went through and all the people that’ve been specially and specifically placed in my life through different seasons of it. You know who you are. Maybe i’ll write a retrospective post soon.. who knows? I’m a lazy loose cannon these days lol. What a weird way of using that analogy but it speaks volumes about my inherent laziness and over-clouded brain. Many times i find myself stuck between piecing my thoughts into proper coherent sentences and not bothering at all. BUT AS YOU KNOW I AM DIGRESSING :’D

Today we got an email telling us that our commencement has been cancelled. Well not really, it’s being moved online, but cancelled nonetheless. Sucks, but i am honestly unfazed. Probably saw it coming a month ago, probably shouldn’t have collected my gown a week early. But it’s okay! I can write another rant post about who is to blame for all this covid mess but I AM DIGRESSING AGAIN. 

Or am i? I don’t know. I didn’t really set out a clear agenda for this post. No thesis statement. It’s just a slurry of words in rapid fire from my mind, or as fast as my fingers can type. I guess i wanted to talk about how crappy it was that my graduation from uni became so anticlimactic, but as i’m typing i realised it’s really okay. We play the cards we’re dealt with and hope for the best. That’s all that we can really do, right? Why hold bitter feelings when life has so much more to offer? When Jesus has already redeemed you from your bondage of sin? You’re already set free, so let it go thad, let it all go. (cue something from norah jones or maybe hillsong idk lol)

SO I GUESS the purpose of this post is to tell you that i have a lot of things bothering me (most of which i have not penned down), but i’ll be okay :-) I’ve really begun to appreciate negativity in its bare essence. It’s okay to have negative feelings and thoughts. It’s all part of the human experience. But let it be a reminder that even as you walk though life with a sad little rain cloud, there will always be sunlight that will pierce its way though that thick cloud of negativity. A ray of hope, as you will. A prospect of good things to come. Why? Because Jesus says so. He claims so. He demands it so. With His Godly prerogative, He tells you that things WILL look up, and you will find it in you to smile again. :-) That’s His grace. A stamp of His love in your sad pathetic miserable life. LOL. A down will always have an up. Positives will always have negatives. Let this be a prayer - you won’t be sad forever. A valley is only a valley when it is part of a hilltop. Don’t look up, nor down, but look forward. Smile in the face of adversity, because our God is always good, and His mercies endureth forever. 

also life update (i guess), since this post has no coherency whatsoever: 

i started working at a cafe (well it was 2 cafes but covid ensues)! It’s hella boring because of the new dining restrictions, and it sucks that i won’t get to explore my coffee interests in the other cafe (they were supposed to have a soft opening soon and was training me to be a barista but oh well). But in the meantime i have been practicing my latte art at home and tbh it has been a messy disaster 90% of the time LOL but i am confident i’ll be able to make a basic tulip by the end of the month!!!

i am also teaching myself how to sew & i bought a small portable sewing machine from shopee how fun!!

& i met this incredible friend recently and Lord i am so so so thankful! I’ve honestly never met someone who could talk to me and relate to me on such a deep personal & emotional level. I’m truly blessed :’( You really restored what i lost in the friendship department with something much better. Ok i didn’t lose anything, but it was an unwilling acceptance in moving forward. So yes, thank You :-) 

OK WOW WHAT A LONG POST. Might as well just tell you what’s on my mind now, in conclusion - 

thinking of eating that char siew pau i bought just now but i am feeling guilty from all the food i’ve eaten today so maybe nah? 

[ohisthistakenaswell]

4am

HELLU. A life update. Nothing interesting, just an update for posterity.

Past few weeks have been batshit insane. I’ve never put in so much effort for a 28-page report before. I’ve never written so many words on a word doc before. I’ve never spent so much time coding & getting so flippin good at it. And i wouldnt have for the life of me imagined spending so many 4ams working on this report MY GOODNESS. Huge shoutout to J for keeping me sane throughout. Y3S1 thad would’ve had a nervous break down by the 2nd week, but i came out stronger than ever eh. It’s crazy. Really crazy. I expected the late night mind games, but they got filtered out (most of them did). I expected distractions but i had a clear mind! And i value clarity now more than ever. So thank You for the massive carry, i wouldn’t have made it out on my own. 

I think this sem alone has been really eye-opening, and freeing. I had all this time in my hands, perhaps a blessing in hindsight. Took on a lot more responsibilities, gave myself space to grow and understand myself. And be patient with myself. To accept my flaws and realise that life is still a learning process. Years ago i was terrified about growing up - about being an adult; working, living, having that same outlook that i thought i would have by the time i ended school. I thought growing up meant that i was supposed to learn how to function as an adult, and it would end there. I would’ve developed into the final version of myself and it would stop there. Maybe i was negatively influenced by my dad - i saw the kind of adult he turned out to be, and i was afraid i would walk in his inevitable footsteps. 

But no!!! You are different! Graduation doesnt mean your life stops. It. had. only. just. begun. Remember this. Remember that conversation you had with ada? How you were afraid that growing up meant that you would lose yourself. Who says it has to be that way? Who says that working life is mundane? Who says you can’t keep growing? 

Funny how we’ve already been fed these things, and it sounds cliche typing it all out, but ask yourself this - have you really understood what it all meant? 

Esther told me something really cool the other day. “You’ll be spending majority of your adult life working. Shouldn’t that give God all the more reason to show up at your workplace?”

Anywho, i am deadass tired. No more 4ams lord. :’) It ain’t sustainable. Now give me rest HAHA. 

[ohisthistakenaswell]

reminisce

10:38pm on 初二, here i go procrastinating again. I have a mini essay to write, a presentation to churn up, and more research to do for my design project, but here i am on this little space. This safe space. This hiding space. 

Since 2015 i’ve walked such an interesting journey - of self-discovery and confidence, of realising who i am as a person, my worth and my position in the lord. It’s been tough, and for the most part it’s been a solo journey. There were many distractions, many tears, many happy moments. I treasured all of them, and they’re tucked safely somewhere in my little mind cabinet. 

2020 was undoubtedly the best and worst time of my life. Many firsts, many lasts. But alas, it’s time to move forward. To live in the present. 

But there are some things i can’t control. Like dreams. An opening to the subconscious? A peek into my deep concealed thoughts? I told keon about it one time, that i’ve been dreaming about the past, or about reconciliation. Felt like a prodigal moment, a loving embrace. But when the euphoria dies down, i dreamt in black and white, and a sour blood red filled the sky. It’s weird, it’s like you suddenly remembered how everything transpired, and you recalled that nauseating feeling you had on that faithful day, where it felt like everyone was walking by you in fast motion and you’ve stopped in time. Odd feeling to have in a dream. I’m confused, but i’m also not. I’m sure, but i’m also unsure. 

But many months have gone by, and i don’t mind a few more. How have you been? I hope you haven’t quit your job. I hope ms koh has been in a better mood these days. I hope you’re still getting a lot of hugs from your lil hoomans. I wonder if you’re still eating that nasty beehoon for lunch. I sure hope not. And I hope you’ve found your way back home. Found out you gave that guitar away. It’s fine, though i always pictured you strumming along one day. Tell wrinkle i miss him. 

//

meant this as an end of year reflection post, but procrastination got the better of me. Idk, maybe i thought i’d post it on ig or smth. Maybe i wanted the attention. Maybe i didn’t need it after all. But im still penning these thoughts down for you, thad, for future you. When you look back at this space in 5 years (oh gosh i’ll be 30 in 5 years...). Idk maybe 30 year old thad will smile reading this. Hi future me, did you know how much you were procrastinating??? Might not seem as much in hindsight, but your school work back then had been PILING UP yet your boy chose to be soppy on tumblr. HAIS. BIG SIGH. ok back to work HAHA

[ohisthistakenaswell]

Solo

I write this, teary-eyed.

Life has truly been a winding staircase this year. Every brave step seems to lead me into another season of weariness. I’m tired, Lord, I really am. I find it difficult to venture into the great unknown alone. For weeks I’ve realised that i’m not very good company on my own. My heart still yearns for companionship, for a closeness; to share moments together; to create new memories. But each time the longing comes, You greet me with closed shut door, as if to say i’m better off this way. It seems cruel to toy with my emotions like that. Oh Almighty. 

But today I finally get it. A jaded Sunday, I hear the words - “not yet.” I always thought You were teaching me a lesson on self-reliance, and clearly my approach turned out to be quite a disaster. But You had your way today. I heard Autumn’s Song by Stephen Day and I was determined to play it on guitar. I would scream the words until it echoed to katong. Frustration. But as I sang I was slowly handheld to sing other songs. Songs of praise, songs i’ve been neglecting. I knew the words at the back of my mind.

You unravel me, with a melody

You surround me with a song

Of deliverance, from my enemies

Till all my fears are gone

Ever had that moment when the words would come alive and speak truths?

I’ve missed You. I hate how my longing comes in waves. Hopefully the tides will continue to lower. I’m still learning to trust. To have faith. It’s been the most challenging thing to do this year, but the year isn’t over yet. Do a good work in me still. I’m willing. 

And no, thad, you’re never meant to walk this journey alone. Walk with Me. Rely on Me. Stand with Me. I’m closer than you know.

[ohisthistakenaswell]

D O N ' T

S U C C U M B

T O

C U R I O S I T Y

[ohisthistakenaswell]

A moment unfiltered

Week 19. Crippling. I redownloaded the countdown app. Deleted it for a reason, but today it read 38 days and 5 hours. I'd like to say I can't wait for this to end, but do I really want that? Will it be the same joy I had when I counted down to my ORD? A new season had awaited, but this time I know it'll be full circle - I'd finish my last semester and get thrown back to this same desk set-up; blinding white walls suffocate me, the fuzzy monitor glare burns my eyes. Most days I try to avoid the inevitable headache by taking a look out the window, but even that had an adverse effect of illuminating my sour disposition - trapped in a forever 9-6 loop.

Granted, this internship didn't start well; started while it ended. What a shitty way to embark on a new season.

Don't know why today hit especially hard. A joyless saunter around the office complex, legs weakening, stride loosening - sucks to be the only intern here. Can't wait for lunch.

Mac Miller's Good News plays on my soundpeats. Poor guy, rip, but i get it. A struggle in loneliness and self-confidence. "if only he knew jesus," I said. But what about me? I'm sobering up. It's okay not to be okay.

Coffee cup empty, i step out for a refill. As I tapped out of the front gate, the security guard mumbles something to me. Usually I'd be annoyed, because I still find the security measures redundant and a complete waste of company resources; he probably wanted to check if my camera stickers were untampered. In politeness, I leaned in, and he says to me "Love Outweighs All." I'm baffled - what nonsense, you old man? Took me a few seconds to realise he was reading my shirt. Love outweighs all. My favourite tee. A subtle gospel discourse, a reminder that I am set apart and protected under the shadow of His wings. (and as I typed that, my keyboard automatically capitalised the H. That's cool.) As I crossed the road, a gushing wind messed my hair into odd places, but my mind was still reeling from what the guard said to me. A mere comment in passing made me realise how out of touch I've become. I festering wound that manifested itself in unwillingness and, admittedly, depression. Where is my secret place? Where is the rock that I used to stand on?

"It's still here. Come back."

[ohisthistakenaswell]

Not today

Hey thad -

this is a reminder to you if you ever fall down that path - block it out. don’t look at it. don’t be curious. It’s not worth your emotional energy. Don’t regress. When you read this again, know that these feelings do come, but you have the final say over them. Take a step back and see that these are just feelings. Nothing wrong with them, but you’re in a different season now. A fresh supply of manna from heaven. Don’t eat the old bread, eat the new one, freshly baked. Don’t brood over it, it doesn’t change anything. Don’t hope for anything, it doesn’t change what was written in ink. What is done is done. Keep your head up, look forward. There are people who want to invest in your life, and there are people that the Lord has planted in your life right now in this season. Treasure it, water it, nourish it. Close your eyes, and open them again. spiritual eyes - in faith and complete trust through grace. Pull down the temple walls. Strength comes from within. The spirit gives life. a zoe life. An abundant richness and fullness in Jesus. You have that. Do you see it?

[ohisthistakenaswell]

A New Beginning

Hey thad :-)

Thought i’d revive the blog again. Reading through my past entries, it really has been such a bittersweet journey with J. I used to call this my “secret place,” a safe house - to ramble on, to complain about anything (mostly about army lol), to seek comfort in You. Through the seasons, through the wind and waves, i’m back where it all started. It may seem like i regressed, but really, i’m so much better now than I was 5 years ago. My uni journey is ending soon, and it has been the wildest ride of my life, and i don’t say that gracefully. Given a choice, i wouldn’t put myself through it again. But i’m glad it happened the way it did, tears and all. I’ve grown up into the best version of myself (so far). I’ve seen how You shaped me, and grew me in humility and perseverance. I have sooooo many thoughts to pen down, so many things to reflect about. Haha but i know most of them will end up in my Draft pool. Maybe it’s intended to be that way. Not to cherry-pick things to post, but as a form of refrain - to calm my incessant emotional ramblings and reread the things i didn’t mean to say. Hmm, sounds like a modern day proverb.

Anywho, i’m only ever writing this for my future self, and for the audience of One. I’d like to imagine there’s someone reading this, but it’s really just to psychologically motivate me to write out something decent. Kinda alluring too, don’t you think? That you’ll never know who reads these posts. 

It’s 1.50am and I have training tomorrow at 8am, but it’s work from home baby so who cares HAHA THANK YOU JESUS

[ohisthistakenaswell]

Chasing Butterflies

Never thought this would happen, at least not this way. 

I won’t lie, i have thought about saying no. From the different scenarios i painted in my head, we would still remain friends. And it comforted me to know that this chapter of our lives would end, but we’ll still be in each other’s lives. 

I was wrong - I’m living in the darkest timeline. 

I think the most degrading way to end is through a phone call. It can either mean 2 things - immaturity or guilt. I realised it was both.

3 years is a long time, and i’ve had my hopes up for too long. I waited, for reciprocity, for understanding, but it never came. I thought to myself, “it’s okay, maturity comes from the lord, he’ll open the eyes.” I give and give, and I got exhausted. I thought i did what was right at that time, but i suppose distance did play a big factor. I tried my best though, but I guess I was out-bested. I didn’t have the luxury of transportation. I was being prudent. Instead of appreciating that, you made it my weakness. It made me confused, because I really thought i was doing the right thing. I guess it really was immaturity.

3 weeks was a long time for me. I went through several stages of grief. First, i pictured you dead. It tormented me, because I was still clinging on. But in hindsight, I should’ve stopped at this stage. It was better to know you died loving, than leave unloved. 

Next stage - anger. Of selfishness, and cruelty. Why did I have to suffer so much, when you aren’t? I’m over here, thinking things through, trying to figure out what went wrong. Met up with leaders, wise counsel, trying to see how we can figure this out moving forward. Then came the next one - hope. I genuinely thought it was going to get better. Like they say, faith is a positive expectation of hope. Of good things to come, better things. a 120% restoration. I wanted us to walk into the promised land together. “I hear you.” But you didn’t.

When you asked for another 2 weeks, i was crushed. But it was also the time i found out everything. What you’ve been doing all this time. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I didn’t want to believe. I didn’t want my perfect picture of you to be tainted by my over-exaggerations. I wanted to run away. From all of this. I didn’t want to face what was ahead of me. I tried to rationalise it - maybe i’m overreacting. They’re just good friends. Surely, when we decided to start this right after lockdown ended, we would enter it with the end goal of reconciliation and progress, or at least some semblance of moving forward, even if it were good or bad. At least there was progress. 

It got worse. Much worse. I saw how he held your hand, how close you were getting. Impossible! I must count myself the luckiest person in the world. By sheer luck, i discovered the blogs. Oh, lucky me. 

Then you called to end it. And i asked you about it. “No.” 

if you recalled, I still wanted to work things out. But you had already cast me away, like a broken toy. Irreparable, unplayable. I was a parasite in your eyes.

I didn’t want to accept that. I really didn’t. 3 years, and you threw it all away just for a feeling, a temporary feeling. The butterflies. You were willing to lay waste to something so precious that we both built together - it then dawned on me, there was no love in the first place. Love was a concept to you, a fulfilment, a duty. In 2 months, in your eyes, i failed that duty. I realised love was measured, was quantified. I felt used, like a dog leashed to an abusive owner, constantly waiting for affection in return, but got nothing at all.  

As i’m writing this, i just feel a sense anguish - that you didn’t treasure what we had. Didn’t even have the decency for closure. Didn’t even wait till the 4 week mark. You went into this with a preconceived idea of ending things, i went in with the idea of repairing. From the start of it, we already had different objectives. And even still, you didn’t want to communicate them fully to me, or work it out with me. Instead, you confided in him. And you felt an attraction. 6 days out of 7, and there i was thinking you went back home after work. You left me abandoned in my own thoughts. But I wasn’t abandoned though - He was so near to me. And i grew so much in maturity in Him. 

But one thing remained - vsco. 

I don’t think i can ever forgive. At the very least, with a small glimmer of hope, not yet. You’ve lost your way, and I worry for your soul. I really do. 

Just like how i found out, i’m writing this here for all to see. If you never wanted me to find out, you wouldn’t have written it online. I guess a part of you wanted me to know, to confront you so that it makes the leaving part easier. But i didn’t give you that luxury. I can’t do that to myself, not after the ordeal i went through. So in the off-chance you read this, know that i lost all faith and love in you. I treasured what we had, but you didn’t. Thank you for the life lessons, I believe it has made me a much secured person in the lord. That is my greatest takeaway - not even the happy moments, but in the crushing dispirited moments of hopelessness away from you - i found Him again. 

Goodbye.

[ohisthistakenaswell]

Onward

HI. I’m still alive if you happen to be wondering haha.

Y2S1 just ended, and i just got back from Mookata at clementi with some friends. It’s currently 1.30am and it feels like i just ate a walrus, but my tummy is satisfied. :-) But i will say this though - it has been a dreadful 3rd semester. Lots of conflict, lots of challenges, and i barely made it through. I had 5 finals, and let me start by saying that 5 is not a good number to hear for that (sorry new creation church). But ironically, of all the mods i took, the geog mod was my favourite. I had such a good time writing essays, and i even chuckled at the end for a silly mistake i made. Who the hell laughs about that? I guess at the very instant in time, i didn’t care how well i would do - i genuinely enjoyed what i learned. My 3 chem eng mods on the other hand were absolute disasters. It’s not like i’m dumb or anything, it’s just so damn hard. It annoys me to the very core of my being, because i hate being controlled by the system - i hate how life in nus is largely dictated by your grades, and the age-old saying “grades aren’t everything” doesn’t actually hold much weight here. Fact of the matter is, grades ARE everything, especially when you are in chem eng. Dammit, chem eng. I’m beginning to hate you. Why is everyone around me so smart? All i want to do is get skilled and learn something useful for the industry, but i end up striving to outdo my peers and get ahead of the system. That will never happen though; there will always be plenty other students ahead of you. It’s really hard to grasp the certainty that a B-/B CAP is what i would achieve at the end of my uni education. What then qualifies as a good education? Therein lies the problem, you see. You see it, right? Something needs to be changed, but i doubt that will ever happen. I took a behavioral economics mod too, and it has taught me that we are inherently rational beings, and we respond to incentives (selfishly). We need to come up with a better system to incentivise students to learn without factoring the grading system as a tool to gauge one’s abilities on the subject matter. Something else has to work, right? We’re churning out so many graduates every year, but are they quality graduates? Do they only have a shiny folder containing nothing but a piece of transcript? 

I want SO MUCH more from this university education. I can’t help but focus on the things that shouldn’t matter, but do matter. 

This is a rant. I could go on forever. But at this very moment, i have a grin on my face because FINALS HAVE ENDEDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!

[ohisthistakenaswell]

Draft 3

Fine, i’ll write something.

JC life was… okay. I guess? I mean i did a lot of stupid things, regretted a lot more, but i also enjoyed it somehow. People were kind, some were not, but life still went on. I was still trying to “reinvent” myself; to give myself a different persona, one that i had learnt to accept as the days went on. Well it worked, for the better half of J1. That’s all that i could remember - the glory days - meeting new people, talking to them, going out with them, establishing friendships.

Ah yes, then it went to shit. Exaggeration, maybe, but it eventually did go to shit, mentally and physically.

Results wise, i did fairly okay. Nothing to complain about that. I played my part as a dutiful student, almost too much, hitherto at least. Relationships.. Ah.. Friends disappeared. A lot of them. I tried to put up a stoic front, taciturn maybe, to face it bravely. Obviously i'm not one to hide my emotions well - it shows. And i get pent up when i can't voice my thoughts, especially on such delicate matters. But when everything is said and done, i still managed. So it's cool. (Oh wait. Yes, that. The literal one. Gah. Can i not talk about it?) God. I missed Him. For 2 years i was growing distant. I still went to church and all, but i also skipped a lot. I felt it was a waste of time. Little did i know i was lying to myself. Somehow or rather He was always by my side, leading me the right way, guiding me, comforting me. Words cannot convey the immense gratitude and love i have for You. Thank You.

// This entry is solely based on nostalgia alone, or at least i tried to make it so. But fact is, i don’t feel anything at all. I would, however, wish to go back in time and change certain things, certain actions, but i can’t. It pains me sometimes, the loss, but it’s okay. I’ll lay down the weight that so easily ensnares me, and continue on the road that is set before me.

After everything is said and done, at the end of the day, i respect it, i accept it, and i regret nothing. 

-

A short tribute from my big Draft pool, though i wouldn’t count it as a respectable one for that matter. MJ lowered its last flag for the last time, and as much as i didn’t like how my J2 life turned out, i’m still somewhat proud to be a Meridian. 

[ohisthistakenaswell]

Draft 11

Went on a day trip with kingdom friends today. It was fun, i guess. I mean i did enjoy myself, albeit some setbacks and disappointment on my end. It’s these sort of outings that made me start looking inward instead of outward, and it sucks. The pressure to socialise, the insecurity, the piqued self-awareness - with all these in view, no wonder i stumble sometimes. It’s all fear. A constant expectation that i will screw up. It messes with my mind, and when i do screw up, it etches deep inside and doesn’t come out. I need to be comfortable in my own skin. God made me this way, He made me unique, and i need to embrace it. Nobody is perfect, and i sure as hell know i’m not. So stop trying to be, thad, stop it. Let Jesus handle everything for you. Run to Him for guidance and strength. He gives you life and smiles, treasure it, and expect it. Don’t frown, don’t fret. Embrace the darkness, say hello to your demons, because it’s just a phase, and when you’re through it, with Jesus on your side, you’ll come out stronger than before. Just you wait and see.

//

161017 - a reminder.

“Embrace the darkness, say hello to your demons, because it’s just a phase, and when you’re through it, with Jesus on your side, you’ll come out stronger than before. Just you wait and see.”

Hey Jesus, i’m so imperfect. The more i try, the more i falter. I’m not good at being human, honestly. My dependency for love is just over-spilling to the people around me. And i tried to contain it alone, away from those who care, and it just built up and exploded all at once. And it hurt people, the people i care about. Why, lord? why am i like this? I know for a fact the only love i need is Your’s, yet i’m still trying to find love elsewhere. My flesh just doesn’t want to cooperate with my spirit.

Lord, i’ve come to the end of myself. 

I pray for breakthrough, but i’m still stubborn in my ways. My faith is dwindling. 

But i know i serve a powerful God. I know you’re still protecting me, looking out for me. Even at my valleys low, your loving arms are reaching out for an embrace, pulling me up, so i could see the beautiful horizon you’ve already painted for me.

So i say amen - albeit a faithless one. But i know it isn’t about my faith; You didn’t die on the cross to see me struggle with myself. When i am weak, then you are strong. When i am faithless, you are faithful. When i can’t even mouth out a mere amen, you say it for me. 

You are yes,

and amen.

Through the smoke and the mirrors,

a glimmer of life.

I know there's a place I belong // Where I'll see the fullness of love // A child face to face with my God // Lost in Your awesome wonder // While I wait, I will not be afraid // My faith will remain all the same // My hope in the things not yet seen // Found in the greatest of these

[ohisthistakenaswell]

Mustard Seed

HEI.

Thought i’d pop by once in a while, to my little cave of adullam i created 2 years ago. Heh, it’s still my hiding place - somewhere i can put my thoughts into words, measly words, for nobody to see; an outlet for restitution in my everyday pursuit to understand You more and the things You have given me.

So uni is starting in a week’s time, and the past couple of days have been pretty crazy. RVRC FOC was slightly underwhelming, though i didn’t really put in much effort to begin with lmao. But i thank You for sending Kingdom friends to surround me and keep me rooted. Even in the wreckage, you somehow bring Your people together, and we glorify You, Lord. Thank You for community. 

Also graduated from MJCG last friday. It still hasn’t dawned on me yet, and it probably won’t for a very long time. I spent 3 years without them, and i hate and regret it. I question why i left the group in when i was in J1. To study?? Come on, don’t kid yourself, Thad. But i’m glad i found my way back, and boy oh boy, You compensated lost time with so much more. These 2 years alone, i’ve grown and matured so much. It brings me to tears when i attempt to fathom the overflowing love You’ve given me thus far. It can only get better, Lord. Only upwards is where You’ll take me. :’)

And of course, the best thing You’ve given me this year - Thank You big J, oh so much, for blessing me with what we have together. Remember last year? When Nick prayed this really hilarious prayer, almost halfheartedly, that I find someone? And i was like come onnnnn help la dunnid la, but i secretly said amen, and You answered it with someone i would have never imagined being close to, let alone in my arms. What we have, it’s something so pure, so special, i’d never want to taint it or ruin it in any way. The more i’m with you, M, the more i see Jesus through your eyes. And i see my faith building stronger by the day. I’m drawn not only to you but to the God we both worship - the Anchor in our relationship, our first lover and the only One who can love us the most. We can love, because He first loved us. His grace empowers us to emulate His love to the people around us, to each other. Where would we be without You, Lord? 

So if you’re wondering, M, i’m crazily in love with you. In love with the grace that i see pulsating through your veins, the light that shines even brighter by the day. In a world of darkness, Your light as small as a candle, shines forth, and fills the room with living colour //

I see the world Your way // And I’m walking in the light

And our tiny faith, as small as a mustard seed, rooted in Your firm foundation, is all we ever need. In the cracks, in the loose ground, You water us with grace unfailingly every single day, and from the shambles we grow and shoot out large branches, so that the birds of the air may nest under its shade. 

(mark 4:30-32)