#lot of talk about mental health and addiction and trauma and stuff and a lot of it was rly insightful

[omegalomania]

hey gang what time is it its time for another joe trohman podcast. this actually came out like a month ago but i missed it until isa linked it to me and because i like doing these heres a highlights reel

the host says he appreciates that joe opened the book with the question of whether or not satan fucked his wife to which joe replies "well you know, when you have kids, sometimes you wonder that. you truly wonder what are these demons. i love my children btw they're phenomenal."

sometimes it does get tiring playing the same songs over and over. joe says that "thnks fr th mmrs" has a really good energy and tempo that keeps it exciting to play live

he talks about playing a really short iheartradio christmas show pre-pandemic and nobody in the crowd knew "sugar we're goin down" since they were only familiar with the more recent hits like "centuries" and "uma thurman" and joe said that it made him fall in love with sugar all over again in a weird way ldjfldkfd

he laments recently getting the chance to see wu-tang, nas, and busta rhymes at the hollywood bowl but he didn't go

his love language is giving gifts! he got his brother a custom drum set (which his mom attempted to throw out)

he reiterates that when writing the book he didn't want to be mean to any of his bandmates cause he likes them and thats not what the book is about! the host makes a joke: "like how you guys had that threesome with simple plan...i understand, you don't wanna get into that!" joe is offended that he clearly doesn't know how many guys are in simple plan. "there's more than three guys in there! the orgy was far larger than you give it credit!"

he doesnt remember any other names that the band could have been called but he does think fall out boy is a pretty terrible name for a band. "i can't believe i'm in a band called fall out boy."

discussions of the band origin and how joe funded it with his bar mitzvah money ("fall out boy, funded by judaism!") but when asked about financial gains from the band he says they all split everything evenly and it's one of the things that's helped them last this long

talking about scott ian and the damned things and he talks about how managing a supergroup is like herding cats because everyone is so busy with their respective groups. he says he'd LOVE to do a third damned things record though!

he talks about how weird it was to have this boy band aspect to them when they were at their peak pre-hiatus, because they were all hardcore kids and punk kids.

he recalls that around this time patrick asked their manager, with visible concern, "are we...the nsync to panic at the disco's backstreet boys?"

he's glad that they've outgrown that and kept pushing forward and looking forward, and by now they're no longer a boy band. "we're a man band!"

he thinks it's kind of neat to see the emo movement of the aughts become nostalgic and cool now ("it was not fucking cool when we were doing it [...] we stuck around for long enough to Not Be Lame"), but it's a big thing for fall out boy that they do not want to be a nostalgia act and they want to keep making new albums.

the host semi-jokingly says "so you and panic at the disco are not gonna go out on tour, is what you're saying." joe says "no" very flatly and i lose my shit.

he denies that fall out boy is working on any specific new music. he says they're just piecing things together organically and that no real album has coalesced. (note: this episode aired 11/12, ~2 weeks before the fob8 tribune ad)

he talks a bit about working with brian posehn on the axe and how much he loved doing it! he calls the whole story a metaphor for dealing with pain and trauma and the different ways there are to confront that stuff. he said the axe is coming out as a trade "soon" so people who don't have a subscription to heavy metal can read it

his first concert was tom petty and the heartbreakers when he was 10 or 11

he says the two things that matter most for a band's live show are the drummer and the singer. he then proceeds to be extremely sweet about patrick and andy.

"patrick, he's incredible, he's so gifted, and he's worked so hard with his voice lessons and figuring out how to sing from the diaphragm properly, and he really knows how to work through when he's sick and having real issues, so he's quite a trooper."

"and andy is just a great drummer. when he thinks he's had a bad day i'm like...yeah. sure. i don't think you know what that is."

he did not get laid in high school. first time was in a shared tour bus, listening to testament (a thrash metal band), when he was 19. (they never saw each other again)

since testament was the soundtrack the host asks if he ever gets a reaction whenever joe hears chuck billy (testament's lead vocalist). joe says without missing a beat, "when i see him i do, that's for sure."

he is an avid bowler. he has a wristguard and a spare ball and he used to take lessons. he calls it great stress relief!

#fall out boy #joe trohman #*making poasts #the pros of this podcast is that joe is zooming the whole time so u can see his pretty pretty face #the cons is that the hosts make some pretty off color remarks lol #joe is very gracious with them though he plays it off pretty well #i just rly rly love joe talking about this kind of stuff like i appreciate his approach #hes very empathetic and i envy that #hes also so glib and candid and approaches everything w humor and i Relate To That #lot of talk about mental health and addiction and trauma and stuff and a lot of it was rly insightful #but this is just the cliff notes so im mostly grabbing the zingers here #ty isa for alerting me of this!!

[johannestevans]

i wanted to write a BIG essay on disability in House MD but the thing is that as it goes on the show plays and delves with the themes a bit differently - like in s1 they begin to introduce some addict stuff but not too much, and much less of the big grapples with house's own medical agency etc by his friends and coworkers

so i think i'm gonna do an essay series, set up some main themes around disability and autonomy in house

the first things will obviously be about the nature of house's own disability, firstly talking about his physical disability - yes, the lack of mobility from his leg and his reliance on his cane, and also the chronic pain that that comes with, but also specifically noting that house became disabled later in life and was previously extremely physically active

while the themes of house being an addict are extremely overstated because of the us' manufactured opioid crisis and its dehumanisation of addicts due to its racist and eugenicist "war on drugs", it's also noteworthy that he used to exercise all day every day on top of fucking and playing with substances on the side. no one minded this because his "addiction" to exercise was fun and sexy and healthy, bc he was making his own pain-killing substances rather than taking a pill

and then also talking about house's mental health issues - evidence of his autism and the way that people hate specifically his autistic traits, even when they're not actually causing them problems, and the way in which house masks and performs certain emotional responses, but more so like. his depression and his loss of identity as a disabled man, and his difficulties being OKAY with his disability when everyone around him hates disability

so apart from that evidence, the points of house grappling with this stuff will be:

house bonding with other disabled patients - in cases of chronic pain, lost physical mobility, and also mental illness and/or neurodivergence

and house specifically understanding disabled people's perspectives, or thinking about the PRACTICAL needs of the person they're treating or engaging with rather than what society cares about or what the hospital thinks is "appropriate" or "proper"

house bullying abled people for being Weird

times where house makes commentary about the injustice of the system (when he points out that the hospital is designed not to treat the poor, chronically sick, etc)

house being anxious and defensive of his own bodily autonomy (eg when ppl are trying to control his pain management or force him into systems that don't work, take over his medical autonomy, in general try to physically control his behaviours)

esp bc season 1 culminates in the stacy episode where we find that like... so much of house's trauma is not just being disabled

but the fact that stacy OVERRODE his desires, waiting for him to be put into a medically induced coma so that she could make "the best" decision for him and literally being the cause of his current disability. esp bc like...

she specifically went for the middle ground that he rejected, she was NOT a doctor

and in so doing she. invented his chronic pain. like there's a reason that in that same episode, we see the volleyball player who gets an amputation and is able to go back to sports - yes, house is a lot older than that volleyball player, but like

if he had either treated the infarction successfully or just got an amputation so that he could later work with a prostheses, house thinks he would have done much better

and so much of his TERROR around trusting others - not just stacy but wilson, cuddy, anybody else - is because of that. the one person he loved and trusted overrode his desires and created the hell he lives in where he's just in constant agony and he hates it, and the worst part is like

everyone tells him it's his fault. no one cares about what stacy did to him, that she manipulated him. every day they tell house how terrible it is that he does that to others, but when it's what happened to him and he lives in hell, it's on him because he's Mean and Too Autistic and he should just Stop Being In Pain etc

god it kills me.

BUT YEAH i think. season by season is gonna be a lot better to track the development of these themes and the way they shift and change from season to season - also idefk if i'll be able to stick with like. the last three seasons bc they just suck so ba dhfskjjgh

BUT WE'LL SEE

#house md #gregory house

[forsafety2]

Starting when I was 14 I used to be a minor interacting with older people. Now that I'm 18 I want to help others like me. I have been asked to share my story from a perspective that's not often seen and I'm here to do that.

I was young and desperate- traumatized by my past and struggling with mental health issues. I was desperate for love and attention that I hadn't gotten ever before. What a lot of people don't understand is how addicting it is when you are unloved. To feel someone want you despite all the trauma and all the pain.

But to any kid reading this right now- they don't want you. They want what you are. They don't see you as a person they see you as someone to use to get off. They don't give a shit about your mental health, triggers, or anything of the like. The don't want you- they want the idea of what you are.

Over the years I talked to maybe a few hundred people. Some from blank blogs and others from large ones. Some started conversations wanting to be my friend and others got straight to the point. I thought I was old enough to handle it but I wasn't. The shit they will tell you about and send you stuff about you will never unsee or unhear. They sexualized every part of myself until I looked in the mirror and all I saw was something they created.

It was once I was a little older I realized I had three options. Leave, become complicit in their crimes, or die. If I left and didn't look back I could get away with just the trauma of what happened. If I stayed until I turned 18 then I would be just another adult hurting children. Or I end my own suffering. I'll be honest I tried the third one which failed and landed me back at the first option.

I still think about all the other minors I interacted with and I wonder where they ended up. I wonder which of the options they picked. I still can't handle talking about certain things because all I can remember is how people I told got off to it. I know I can't save everyone but I believe in this blog and everything it plans to do. Each of those monsters deserve to suffer and if one less is around then that's one less these kids will be able to talk to.

Thank you for reading.

Thank you for sharing your story

"They don't want you, they want what you are" is a powerful sentance for any young person in kink to dwell on

[cj4747]

Hero’s In Crisis and Young Justice? What Does This Mean?

Hero’s In Crisis is a very controversial story arc in the comics because of how it handles superhero trauma and most importantly Wally West

In the season finale of Young Justice Phantom Dinah(Black Canary) says that they need to build a place where superhero’s can get away from the life and talk things out. A sanctuary if you must.

In the comics this Sanctuary is used to have sit down meetings and record what the certain superhero’s say.

One of the main selling points that this comic had was that it was going to deal with Wally West and what being dead and coming back, only to no longer have his wife or kids, really did to him.

A lot of people did not like the handling of Wally during this arc. This was because the writers made him a killer. The reason was because he wanted his life back, his wife, his kids, and his friends. This was also right after he got back from the dead in the first place. So people were pretty mad to say the least.

They also tried to tackle Roy’s addiction during this story line

And then they decided to have Wally West be the person who killed Roy and everyone else in the Sanctuary. Not only that, but then have Wally blame fake his death and blame it on Harlequin and Booster Gold

You can see why people were mad about it…

Later on it was retcon that Wally was under the control of the Reverse Flash and it wasn’t him who did it, but yea they still try to make it out like Wally would murder his best friend because he wanted his family back

(A vision Wally had of his happy family again)

So how much of this story will the Young Justice writers take and use?

Well I believe it is very dumb to pull from a Wally West centered story, and not use Wally. I think they will have Wally come back at some point before they do this arc next season and use some of the same stuff.

This could be using the story about how Wally is now back from the dead and dealing with the fact that people like Artemis and Dick have changed so much and he’s still the same.

I could see a scene like this happening.

Now the whole Wally being a murder and poor handling of mental health issues, I don’t this Young Justice will do. We saw this season how amazing YJ can handle mental health, so J know we’re in good hands. I don’t think they will make Wally the murder, but I do think one of his rouges will be the killer and blame it on Wally.

Now as for the death of Roy, sadly I do think it will happen because some how this season without anyone being permanently dead. I don’t know if they will kill off the real Roy or Will(High chances is that it’s Will), but we will see.

Sorry for a long rambly post, but I’m going to ride the Wally is alive theory till the day I die. If they do Hero’s in Crisis without Wally it would be very dumb because it literally centers around his trauma.

I guess we’ll see next season 🤷🏼‍♀️

#kid flash #young justice #wally west #dick grayson #artemis crock #yj phantoms #yjs4 #zatanna #the flash #theory #dc comics #nightwing #young justice phantoms #young justice season 4 #renewyoungjustice #hero’s in crisis #young justice spoilers #young justice season 5

[gingerylangylang1979]

Will Carmy become an addict?... Also, exactly what are his mental health (or other) issues?

This conversation is an offshoot of thoughts expressed here in conversation with @november-rising.

I'll start by saying I do not think Carmy is currently an addict or in recovery from an addiction. But, could Carmy become an addict like his dad (was he an addict or just a heavy abuser, we don't know) Mikey, and Donna? Maybe. Also, I hope nothing I write is offensive to anyone. If anyone thinks there is something I'm missing or misrepresenting please share and we can talk about it. I'm open to learning.

The statistic rates for people impacted by another person's addiction becoming an addict themselves is high. I myself had a drug addict mom and an alcoholic ex. I dabbled in drugs but never became an addict unless you count cigarettes and weed (no longer do either). How me and my brother didn't end up addicts despite our experimentation with hard substances is beyond me. All of the prerequisites were in place and I feel like we almost were tempting it like, come on, I know you want to take me, yet, neither of us ended up addicts.

Sometimes I felt it would make things easier. I think it was Lou Reed, maybe, who said something like addiction made life simple because then you only have one problem to deal with. I wish I only had one problem. I tried stuff as hard as coke, meth, and opium. I was a bartender and partied but never became an alcoholic. My brother went as far as trying heroin a few times. But neither of us became addicts. It's insane if you think about it.

Does that mean we didn't/do participate in fucked up self-destructive behavior? Hell no. Most of my life I have battled with trying to "be normal" all the while self sabotaging all along the way. But I never became an addict.

This is why it's so easy for me to see Carmy in all of his darkness and still see how he isn't necessarily someone doomed to become an addict. Nat didn't become one, me and my brother didn't become ones. I see a lot of us in Nat and Carmy. Carmy is way worse off than Nat, for sure. How, I dunno. And I would say I'm closer to Carmy in the melancholic creative way than my brother. So it's kind of a weird blessing that traumatized people who you would think would become addicts, don't, but it happens.

Could Carmy become one? I think if he continues to not address his issues with individual therapy, continues to blame himself, and just continues the same grind he wanted to escape, possibly. But I'm looking more to how Storer and Co. are telling the story as my signs more than Carmy's actual history. I guess I just don't see what the show would have to gain from Carmy becoming an addict. It would be a tragic ending. I'm not beyond them doing some tragic ending but I think it would just be kind of lame and what was the point if it ends with Carmy continuing the cycle and becoming an addict.

I see him and Nat as the second chance for the Berzattos. She is about to be a mom and hopefully will raise a child that doesn't have to witness any of the trauma she did. Carmy is trying to start over and I think as much as he is struggling now and it may get worse before better, I just see too many points of lightness for him to crawl towards/through. And I think this being so inspired by Storer's lived experience, I can't see him wanting it to end in doom and gloom. Chris and Coco are Carmy and Nat to me. They broke the curse. I think because of that he would want the show to reflect that.

Now, what the fuck is wrong with Carmy, in detail. I will start by saying we don't really know a diagnosis. I think common/possibly correct assumptions are a mix of anxiety, depression, and CPTSD. But I've also seen other ideas like maybe he is on the spectrum among other things. I'm not quick to say anything outside of the first three. He could be neurodivergent, but I guess what makes me not want to say that is because when people bring it up there is often this sentiment that it explains everything about him or that is takes precedent over his behavior being a reaction to his trauma. Two things can be true at the same time but I sometimes feel people apply neurodivergence in a way that dismisses how the average person would deal with a series of overlapping traumas.

The same way I see people assign Sydney as being neurodivergent and I'm like, or she could just be dealing with a lot of bullshit and trauma as a black woman? Because shit, I'm similar, does that mean I'm neurodivergent, too? Not to take away anyone who is neurodivergent and they relate to things they see in the characters. I'm just saying be careful to not dismiss common reactions to lived experience as such without more insight. Or sometimes people can be awkward or quirky without it being neurodivergence. Like sometimes it comes across as what we do know the characters have gone through isn't enough to justify what we see.

I will say I could see a case for Carmy having a learning disability. The evidence being his dislike for reading extensively and his very poor math skills. I think it was @eatandsleepwell who pointed out he only likes books with pictures. It's true. Most of his books are image heavy. And a lot of people are bad at math but he can't keep up with basic addition and subtraction (aka dyscalculia). But again, I think we are seeing evidence of this specific condition, not vague symptoms that could occur due to a number of things.

None of this is to say speculation or headcanons are not welcome. But to hard assign diagnosis is another thing.

#carmy berzatto #the bear fx #addiction #trauma

[bluedalahorse]

do you think they’ll go deeper on august’s ed at all in s3

Hi! Thanks for asking. And thank you for being patient as I answer your ask—winter vacation has just started and I’m just settling in!

I know the topic of disordered eating can be triggering for some people, so I’m going to cut this post and continue below the cut. Other folks are welcome to weigh in, too.

I can’t say I know sure what they’ll do about August’s disordered eating. I’m leaning toward the idea that we’ll get something but it may not be an explicitly addressed in dialogue as it would be in other shows. My guess is that if it’s handled, it will likely be dealt with in the same way that the show handles Wilhelm’s anxiety. We know Wilhelm has anxiety and that he benefits from therapy with Boris, but the show mostly chooses to show you this as part of the fabric of Wilhelm’s life rather than tell you about it directly. It’s not pausing to educate the audience about what anxiety is and how to identify it, after school special style, if that makes sense.

Where there are benefits to a more didactic style of writing about “issues” and writing certain scenes to educate an audience, there are also advantages to taking the Young Royals approach and just weaving issues into a story organically. The YR style allows you to think about how issues play out differently for different people, with different personalities and body types and life situations. Not everyone’s trauma or mental health condition or similar is going to look the same way. In August’s case, we know a lot of his issues are going to be filtered through his obsession with fitness, his views of masculinity and heterosexuality, and his overall class outlook.

The other thing here is that we’ve got some additional stuff going on with August that interacts with his disordered eating. We know he’s also dealing with traumatic grief after his father’s death and then Erik’s, and we know he’s addicted to ADHD medication. All of these things interact with one another. For instance, many ADHD meds suppress people’s appetites, which I’m sure plays a role in how and when August eats. And of course his mental health challenges around the traumatic grief make him more vulnerable to his pill addiction. I don’t see them dealing with the ED stuff without touching on those other two topics as well, and their bundled together nature means the show may not address it in a way they might for another character.

One final thing I’m conscious of, as someone surrounded by theory-nerd part of the YA writing community, is that “best practices” around how to write characters with disordered eating are shifting, similar to the way “best practices” around writing characters with suicidal ideation are shifting. Audiences might expect things to be portrayed onscreen that creators choose not to depict. (This isn’t my area of specialization, but I have colleagues who’ve written about portrayals of EDs in their academic work.)

In one of the early Permanent Rain Press interviews, Lisa was asked to speak about August’s character, and she talked a lot about his relationship to his body. So I’m pretty sure his feelings about his body image will continue to play a role in his characterization moving forward. What the outcome is, I can’t say.

#young royals #august horn #tw disordered eating #asks

[frogmanfae]

Screams excitedly those are two of my fave livesies too!!

What are your headcanons for them?

Ooh ok ok ok I'm gonna section this

Elmer

Canon era

This isn't original but he has a cat who's the ugliest thing ever but he loves it so much

Big family, lots of siblings, raised by a single dad in over his head (this might be canon)

Almost completely illiterate. He learned the alphabet and that's about as far as he's been able to get. Buttons reads the headline to him every day and has tried to teach him but not much has actually stuck

Buttons is his best friend fs

He's definitely close with Spot Conlon. Someone told me that they think they're half brothers and I can't figure out if I like that or if I think they're a teeny bit in love. I think it depends on the context.

Elmer is Elmer in Manhattan but sometimes he sells in Brooklyn and he's Graves. The only one who knows he's both of these people is Race, who finds it extremely funny whenever someone else says something about Graves in Manhattan or Elmer in Brooklyn

First generation Polish American who's fluent in the Polish language. Because of this, he's good friends with Davey (a Polish immigrant) and he asks him about the country a lot. They both find it pretty refreshing to be able to speak the language and talk about Poland with someone they aren't related to.

Raised in a very religious setting, but once he started selling papers he used it as an excuse to escape the church (religious trauma)

Hides his feelings. If he has to cry he holds it in until night. He usually spends those nights on the street so his siblings don't hear and no body in the lodging house asks

He's on the younger side of the newsies. Either the youngest of the oldest or the oldest of the youngest

He's trying to provide for his family but he's often largely unsuccessful. Not because he's bad at selling or anything, but because a dime doesn't go as far with 9 people to feed

Modern Era

A lot of the canon era stuff carries over (the ugly cat, big family, Buttons, religious trauma, hiding his feelings...)

He really likes Spiderman. Like a lot.

His family isn't the most accepting in terms of his queerness but they could definitely be worse. They kind of just don't acknowledge it most of the time.

He likes to paint his nails. Or rather get his nails painted. Usually Buttons or Jojo does it, but the first time someone painted his nails it was his older sister before she moved out. His favorite color to do is pink but it's more often black so nobody makes a comment because he doesn't want to deal with it

He's one of those fluffy hair boys for sure

He likes experimenting with makeup, nothing too dramatic, but some shiny eyeshadow, some eyeliner (he hasn't been able to do a wing yet) a little bit of lip gloss.. He really likes blush tho, he wears it as often as he can

His sister got him a skirt as a joke and he's only ever put it on once to try. He doesn't love it and he's never worn it after that, but if he's going to a party he might consider it and not go through with it

Despite what literally everyone thinks, man can hold his liquor

He has glasses

He likes chunky jewelry. He has two piercings in each ear that he usually wears black studs and small black hoops in. He wants to get more piercings when he can, but that's it for now

Mountain Dew addict

Or pineapple Fanta addict

Both probably

He plays the flute and the guitar, but most people only know about the flute

He knows flower language. He and Sarah get together at least once a month to talk about flowers

Big over the ear headphones

So easily eepy, man can sleep anywhere no matter the conditions

He struggles a lot with his mental health, but he started to get help and talk more about it when he was nearing the end of high school

Finch

Canon era

Steals Specs's glasses more often than anyone realizes

He has a little sister but hasn't seen her since he ran away

He didn't really mean to run away, but he got into an argument with his parents one night and he stormed out. He got caught up in something and wound up in the Refuge for 6 months. After he got out, he couldn't bring himself to go back. He had just spent half a year getting tortured and degraded and if he went home and his parents were still mad (especially now that he had gotten arrested and disappeared for so long) he wouldn't have been able to handle it. So he never tried

He's actually really good at gambling. Like really good. Most of the time he's not even trying. It drives Race insane

He's close friends with Albert and he might have some more than platonic feelings about him, but he's not entirely sure because he has the same feelings about other people (Crutchie) so it might just be good friend feelings (is it tho?)

He lovesss some good word play

He won't often go out and make trouble himself, but he definitely follows people into trouble a lot

Modern Era

Again, some of this carries over (stealing Specs's glasses, confusing feelings about his friends, word play, following people into trouble...)

He's really close with his sister. She's several years younger than him, but she's his whole world

His parents are divorced and he lives with his dad most of the time, but his mom is still very present in his life

He doesn't do anything to his hair. Like he doesn't even brush it most of the time. Just shampoo and conditioner. It makes Race so pissed that his curls aren't all over the place

Archery 100℅

He doesn't excel in school but he's a straight B student (with the occasional C in math)

He doesn't play hockey, but he does watch it when it's on TV

He knows how to braid, mostly because of his sister. Not just normal braids either, several types of braids. Fishtail, Dutch, French, bubble, all of the above

He's kind of quiet in class, but not so much when he's with his friends

Not a whole lot really bothers him. He's the guy all his friends come to when they're upset

#i love these guys #Elmer is my special guy #i could talk about them for hours #newsies #elmer kasprzak #finch cortes

[sparklywombatwolfcalzone]

Just because lili calls him a Narcissist doesn't actually make him one. Cole admitted to making mistakes. He admitted he wasn't always emotionally available, he wasn't the greatest partner and he had traumas and it's only common sense that your trauma can 100% negatively impact your relationships and friendships. You can be a shitty partner without being a Narcissist. Cole clearly said he wasn't emotionally available and that he had traumas so clearly he was also not the best bf.

lili is calling him a Narcissist because this word is so easily used as an insult instead of a mental illness. Mental illnesses cannot be used as an insult. Diagnosticians only qualify someone as a Narcissist when there is a very specific pattern of behaviour and responses that are repeated with different people in various settings. Having fucked up multiple times in multiple relationships doesn't mean you're a Narcissist but that you had your own traumas. I have heard stories of people with childhood trauma and mental health issues having very toxic relationships and not understanding what healthy relationships look like, it takes time and courage to go to therapy and be consistent to finally move onto healthy relationships. I'm not choosing sides, I'm pretty sure lili had her own flaws that she clearly needs to work on and stop acting like she was perfect in the relationship.

I'm also not trying JUSTIFY him not being a good bf but saying that people need to stop hating and choosing sides as if they have never fucked up in relationships.

Also cole has ADHD and here are some fun facts about ADHD :

On top of this he has a trauma.

Completely agree. It is very evident that Cole has his own traumas and mental problems, a childhood like his, his drug-addicted mother, the removal of her custody by the authorities, his fame at a young age. Add to that his ADHD and his obvious sensitivity.

The stuff with his mother is especially serious because it must have affected his ability to form relationships. One of the accusations that Cole receives is the similar failure in two relationships, when it is evident, he says it himself, that he repeated the same pattern of behavior, and he does not say it, but he also repeated the same type of girl, apparently artistic. and sensitive, irresponsible and neurotic, perhaps seeking a replica of her mother and saving her from herself.

It is also true that a certain impulsiveness in him is probably the result of his diagnosed ADHD, and it is clear that many things that have happened to him have hurt him a lot and it is only after processing it that he is able to recognize it clearly.

From what he has said and it appears, he has done a good job of therapy, getting over his trauma and moving on.

That's why all the veiled accusations of Lili and her surroundings bother me, using the fashionable accusation, because it's being a non-subtle form of revenge. And revenge is always a mean attitude. Lili has her own therapy work to do, which she clearly hasn't done. I am not so clear where her traumas come from or if her mental imbalance is innate, but it is clear that she has to find that balance with professional help.

It came as a surprise to me when searching for information about narcissism, or narcissistic behaviors, I found a video that explained the behavior of a narcissist when he/she was abandoned, and it really coincided 100% with Lili's behavior since her breakup with Cole. I can't say that Lili is narcissistic, I don't know, but her behavior during her breakup has been, and three years later it's really incredible that she continues to drop those veiled accusations against Cole.

I know that his self-justification is the famous podcasts, but the truth is that in them, Cole is tremendously self-aware, he assumes a lot of responsibility, what's more, he assumes most of the responsibility and only talks about incompatibility. He acknowledges that he was hurt and that he hurt her too, and that it was hard on both of them. Lili, instead of picking up that glove that could leave them both in a good place, without the need to pretend that they are friends, decides to shade Cole again, letting himself be seen with Cole's cosplay that made fun of him, following the other ex to allow speculation that they are going to attack him publicly (8 years after Cole and Bree's breakup, that clearly speaks of Bree being very unbalanced) and following pages of narcissism survivors.

And since Lili's fandom enjoys these shaders and takes every opportunity to attack Cole, I do side with him. I hope he continues to do the work himself and achieve stability and emotional maturity with Ari or alone.

I only hope that Lili will ever reconsider, because in the meantime, the curious thing is that the most unhappy person will continue to be her, since it is very sad that her only satisfaction can come from ending up with another person.

About the Lili´s fandom who enjoy that revenge, I only recommend them that read or watch the Chase.

[most-annoying-sponsorship]

Any submitted propaganda under the cut

BetterHelp - 44

the ads are unilaterally either cheesy 'everyone needs help sometimes pardner' stuff or a therapist who works for betterhelp saying how good betterhelp is. notably was an uptick in ads AFTER it was revealed how bad betterhelp is for actual mental health and how it doesnt vet its therapists lol

It’s overpriced, they underpay their workers, they have fake 5-star reviews and they sell your info. So many big YouTubers still promote Betterhelp to this day when most this info came out in 2018-ish. Fuck Betterhelp, all my homies hate Betterhelp

I guess it’s more of a podcast sponsor in my experience but OH MY GOD it’s such a bad business, but more importantly for this poll I just hate hearing youtubers/podcasters put on a serious voice to talk about Mental Health and how they themselves have struggled with Burnout and blah blah it literally all sounds the same. It’s like a psa in the middle of your video.

not only is it annoying bc it’s everywhere but it also sucks ass & exploits people

not only annoying, but a harmful service as well!!

It's being sued or smth rn (class action I think?). The program has been sketchy af and exploiting people who are experiencing mental illness or trauma, falsely claiming they have a full scale psychiatric team when they don't, selling data, etc. All for profit. Every other sponsorship is annoying, sure. But I instantly lose a little bit of respect when I hear a YouTuber talk about the importance of mental healthcare and then point you to BetterHelp.

The motherfuckers at Betterhelp call it ""'therapy""" but it sells your data. Youtubers I like promote this bastard of a conpany without a care in the world. I don't know why it is legal, I don't know how they get away with it, and I'm going to rip Betterhelp molecule by molecule

Its a scam trying to get your data and they dont even follow HIPPA laws or vet their therapists and they've had so many scandals that I'm shocked they still get sponsors unironically

Doesn’t even work like they’ve had a ton of controversy and the Youtuber is always like “lemme get real with you guys for a second… ok… phew… I go to therapy” and it’s like OKAY WELL YOU SHOULD GIVE A SHIT THAT THE COMPANY SUCKS THEN 💀

Takes advantage of people needing access to mental health care, when in reality BetterHelp is a terrible company that treats therapists AND clients like shit. The FTC recently gave them a huge fine for selling client health data to for-profit advertising corporations like Facebook but they still deny wrongdoing and haven't stopped the shill campaign. At least when a meal kit service or w/e is poor-quality usually all it means is you wasted your money, but if you trust the wrong therapy service there is a lot more that can go horribly wrong. (Cerebral is even worse since it was essentially all the problems of BetterHelp mixed with handing out addictive controlled substances like candy, but I haven't seen it on Youtube as much)

This is the only sponsorship that has actively made me unsubscribe from anyone that advertises it. While others like raycon or squarespace are usually annoying. Betterhelp is actively harmful to both their patients and their therapists, sells personal health data of their users to ad companies and it isn't even cheaper than real therapy at this point like they claim to be. It makes me see red when I see another youtuber saying how "good" it is and how it helped them (which it honestly looks like a script at this point) and telling their usually young audience to sign in. And then they dare to ignore the thousands of comments telling them about how bad betterhelp actually is. Like, I thought we all knew about their shady practices. It has been common knowlege since 2018, why are you acting surprised when you get called out. But I guess they pay really well so I hope those 1000$ were worth it I guess. Sorry for the ramble.

I've never tried it so I can't know for sure, but by all accounts the app is shit, yet everyone talks about it as though it's the best thing ever

There are sooo many controversies with BetterHelp and youtubers stopped accepting (not medically trained professionals, highly unethical and unprofessional and rude etc) sponsorships with them until recently like they all just forgot how shitty it was and it makes me dislike the youtuber every time i see they accept one

A shitty company taking advantage of those struggling with mental health (overcharging, horrible therapists, sharing data with third parties etc.) and yet everyone is sponsored by them

It harms both the therapists and the patients using it and is particularly evil to do that during the current times

Fake therapy and unqualified folks

they literally prey on mentally ill people for their money. their therapists seem extremely unqualified. i have heard so many horror stories including therapists telling (non-religious) clients to pray their problems away, talking about their own problems to the client for the entire session, and sitting on the toilet mid appointment. i genuinely don't understand how otherwise respectable creators can take their sponsorships in good faith because i have ONLY HEARD BAD THINGS

Shit company that abuses their “patients” and takes their money, and youtubers REFUSE to listen to their audiences on this

Not only is it incredibly fucking common and annoying, but it preys on and is advertised to people with mental illness. It apparently isn't very helpful for this (it seems like therapists don't even have to be licensed) but still presents itself as therapy. People have also said it sells your data and isn't confidential at all

It's everywhere and I heard it's actually a little harmful sometimes.

THEY STEAL YOUR INFO??? YOUR DEPRESSION IS LITERALLY BEING MONETIZED FUCK THESE GUYS JUST DO A NORMAL SCAM LIKE ESTABLISHED TITLES INSTEAD OF TAKING ADVANTAGE OF SUICIDAL PEOPLE

It's a legitimately harmful product and it is /everywhere/

It's basically a scam and can cause actual harm!

Evil fucking service, straight up dangerous

Its not even real therapists

IT DOES NOT VET ITS THERAPISTS. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH, BETTERHELP DOES NOT VET ITS THERAPISTS. It also doesn't pay nearly enough.

it's a scam that preys on people trying to get help with their health

Literally sold user data from THERAPY SESSIONS

somehow it doesn't matter how many times there's articles about how better help abuses patients personal data, uses counselors who aren't licensed therapists, does conversion therapy on ppl who ask for lgbt sensitive counseling....ppl STILL take the money and i hate it

It's a scam and people (even some professional therapists have promoted it). "Despite its credible presentation, BetterHelp was caught selling data to Facebook, Snapchat, Criteo, and Pinterest. The company recently settled for $7.8 million. The FTC confirmed that BetterHelp pushed people into handing over health informatio" quote is from this article which sums up the problem pretty well: https://www.themarysue.com/betterhelp-controversy-explained

It turns out they sell user data for advertising purposes which GOES AGAINST WHAT THERAPIST GROUPS ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!!!

always feels really dystopian to get advertisement for scammy corporate mental health services... like what a sign of failure for society if ppl have to rely on such expensive and potentially unprofessional ways of getting the help they need. get that thang away from mee

therapy site with bad therapists on it

It's actually bad morally speaking

AWFUL SERVICE !!! every youtuber who still takes this sponsorship is cringe to me

Jim Beam "People Are Good For You" Ad - 1

I hate this ad. 1st of all, as an autistic person, being in a loud crowded bar would be a sensory nightmare for me. Also I don't like the taste of alcohol. So borboun is probably gross anyways. 2nd, I wouldn't want to go a bar because I would concerned about getting sick. That's because it's flu and cold season where I live, and Covid-19 is around. Lastly, I've seen this ad enough times now that it's annoying. So no Jim Bean, I will not be going a bar or buying your bourban (or anyone else's) anytime soon.

#polls #sponsorship smackdown #round 1

[tallymali]

"boomers will be like genuinely awful to people and believe they are 100% in the right and never admit they ever need to improve on anything in a million years."

-I would agree by and large this statement is very very true.

millennials rly feel like the first generation to ~normalise~ actually talking about mental health and going to therapy.

-For an extremely good reason. Gimme a second.

a lot of gen x ppl ive encountered are in this weird middle ground where they’re not doing well, they know they’re not doing well, but they just never ever do anything about it and resign themselves to being miserable forever like some sort of depressed anime mc lmao. literally the word therapy is a jumpscare for them. idk it’s both sad and frustrating to watch :(

-We were abandoned. Not literally, but to the point where we pretty much raised ourselves day to day. If we did receive mental health therapy, it was for the treatment of ADD/ADHD. I assume you've heard of the zombie kids? The kids that were so over medicated they were effectively drooling automatons. If we showed any sign of being different, it was either drugged, beaten, or humiliated out of us. GenX do not trust anyone other than their immediate inner circle, especially no preceived authority figures. The instances of alcohol or drug addiction or self unaliving are higher than any other non-war time generation. If we bring you into our fold, you've made it.

Thank you for listening. I always love to hear your viewpoint.

yeah i totally totally get it. it sucks 😞 unfortunately ive gotten in with a few gen x who have treated me like kind of an emotional punching bag and its..not been great. interestingly, the worst were the ones who said they had no real trauma but that nothing ever goes right for them and they’d never amount to anything and nobody will ever truly love them..but for no reason they could pinpoint. and ive known people ~35 and under who openly admit to having some awful trauma but actually working through it, and they were nice and healthy people to be around. obviously this is just my anecdotes all these people are individuals responsible for their own stuff but yeah i just find it interesting (and maybe somewhat healing) to rotate in my brain

#asky ask

[greasedupclown]

If the anons are pissing you off by calling you problematic or w/e, then I hate to say it, but maybe leaving the community might be good for your mental health. I dunno. I just don't want this shit putting you in a worse headspace.

//This was wildly unprompted and random lol. :) Don't send stuff like this to me on anon please and thank you!

Also if this is in reference to this post

"I am glad a lot of people like Kronos and want to talk to him, but honestly, my trauma with the HS fandom is like an uphill battle rn. Also, the hatemail gets to me a bit. I wasn't really a problematic person to begin with and I'm not now but people have problems with me. Which is fair I guess, you can't like everyone."

I didn't say anything pissed me off? Also, this was in reference to the hatemail I got on my mainblog. Featured below!

? this has nothing to do with the rpc? This was on my main blog. Surprisingly I haven't actually gotten any...hatemail here? If I did I don't remember lol.

I'm allowed to vent, and voice frustrations? Don't act like this is for me or my mental health, just say you don't want me in the RPC, I'll be fine. I am 27 years old. It's just SHOCKING to be called a n/gger. I think anyone would be stressed out.

Also, my history in the RPC WAS traumatic but more enjoyable by a long shot. The trauma is specifically tied to a group of people I have actively avoided and blocked! People who might have had the wrong opinion about me have approached me and talked to me. I am 27, i am in therapy. I am fine. I have plenty of friends, and a great therapist, and a great doctor. If I feel I cannot handle hatemail or shit I would not be here. Trust me, I am not addicted to Homestuck, most of my friends would gladly interact with me in any setting.

Like dude, I'm navigating grief and coping. I'm not getting worse by any means trust me. Someone calling me a slur is shocking yeah, but not a first. I got called a dirt-eating n/gger monkey a few months ago on my other RP blog. Like TRUST me the HS fandom does not hold a candle to the harassment i get in the DC fandom for being black.

I am fine, I PROMISE, if I was in any real emotional danger, I a 27-year-old adult, can take care of myself and take the appropriate steps to remove myself from what's hurting me. The RPC isn't hurting me, trust me.

#;all stitched up [mun] #tbd

[existentialbogwitch]

What is wrong with me:

1. I’m autistic. Not officially diagnosed or anything. But it is something I am pursuing. It is very likely. There are many reasons why.

a. I had sensory issues as a child that were very disruptive and insistent.

I. I refused to wear jeans until like 3rd grade probably, only because I didn’t want to just wear dresses all the time. My preferred item of clothing will always be sweatpants and sweatpants adjacent materials. Also things that look like you could wear them to dance class. Cozy, soft, non-restrictive (unless its extremely stretchy/compression fabric - and sometimes I can’t do that, it varies widely)

II. Sound sensitivity. I have better hearing than most people, but I struggle with human voices and too many of them in the same space talking at the same time is extremely overwhelming for me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to listen to or focus on and I become extremely anxious about missing out on something important. I have a very low tolerance for loud noises and I prefer to constantly have background white/brown noise because silence aggravates my tinnitus and I find the white noise soothing. I feel instantly more safe when I am wearing headphones and listening to dark grey (spaceship) white noise specifically. I’ve started wearing earplugs again as an adult. My mom would put cotton balls in my ears when I was a kid because I always complained about everything being too loud (she didn’t believe me). I don’t know why it never occurred to her to take me to a doctor.

b. I had frequent night terrors and anxiety from a young age. Vivid nightmares I can still remember.

c. I struggled with balance and could not dance as well as my peers because I was somewhat lacking in coordination.

d. I struggled socially and was very shy and reserved, unless I was performing and had a specific script to follow with words to say. I could read really well and was good at projecting my voice because I was taught how to sing at an early age, so people assumed I was capable of communicating normally. I still spoke very softly and people asked me to repeat myself all the time. I have trouble modulating the volume of my voice sometimes when I get too excited.

e. I could memorize information and recite it back, but it did not mean I understood it and people really don’t bother to look into this too much.

f. I am one of those people who are naturally very good at music in a way that is frequently very annoying to other people and I absolutely get it.

g. I have a tendency to get obsessed with things in not good ways.

h. Family history of drug use and addiction

I. I am frequently referred to as annoying or “a lot”

2. I have experienced a LOT of trauma. I am realizing that most people experience a good amount of traumatic things happening to them throughout their lives, and to an extent this is “normal.”

Simply because many people have experienced pain though, does not in any way detract from your experience of your personal pain. Sometimes we are led to believe that we are not allowed to feel our feelings. My feelings matter, and I have a lot of very big feelings. I have had debilitating anxiety since I was a child.

Being autistic and not being diagnosed earlier in my life has led me down a really frustrating mental health “journey” that I’m sure I am not alone in experiencing.

I have heard that CPTSD is a common occurrence among autistic individuals. I need to find some sources to back this up, I haven’t been keeping track of sources for this stuff, and I need to start doing that.

I have severe social anxiety and I have for as long as I can remember and I have to actively fight a battle that everyday looms closer to full blown agoraphobia and it is something I feel (not surprisingly) a lot of anxiety about. I have anxiety about my anxiety? I believe these are just panic attacks. Thus the cptsd.

My family has never really accepted me and I am working up the strength to start seeking my own chosen family and I’m terrified.

I want so badly to be able to express myself as I genuinely want to be, not as a reflection of societies expectations of me.

I want to be able to say that I’m non-binary and not feel weird about it.

I want to be able to tell people that just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean that I don’t care about children.

I don’t have kids because it would be irresponsible of me to have children.

I’m trying to get back on birth control so I can feel better about being sexually active in a state with terrifyingly backwards opinions on abortion.

I am afraid to be myself in most places in real life because I do not know who might be judging me.

I wish I had a place I could just be myself.

(Affordable housing is mental health care. Thank you)

I need to go back and finish my design degree so that I can make slightly more money and move out of my parents house. If I live here for the rest of my life I will lose my mind.

I am trying my best to make positive changes in my life, but it is very slow progress because I seem to routinely make terrible impulsive choices due to poorly managed adhd probably.

My therapist is very good and I’m so glad I have that resource at least. I need to find group therapy as well though and I’ve had less luck on that front because of my “unique” work schedule. Also the fact that none of the groups I’ve tried contacting so far have responded yet, but it’s only been a few days. I still need to do more research. I’m scared of any groups that meet in a church because I have a history with religious trauma and a lot of my depression is existential and I don’t want to go into a group setting and upset more people with my worries and questions.

I really want to make sure I find a good, safe place I can share - so I feel less inclined to pour my soul out to the void maybe.

I feel really narcissistic making posts like this because I know no one else “really” cares, but there’s always that little light in the back of my head that goes “remember how much it meant to you to read the things that other people post about their lives” and that encourages me a bit.

I plan to do some historical research on human development because I’m having a lot of weird existential questions about the nature of ego and reality and what “I” really means and who “I” am. And when I’m setting something like a goal, what are the most important factors to consider? When I’m making a decision, who is the most important factor in the equation? Is it my own personal happiness? (Which is of itself an incredibly complicated question, because happiness is extremely subjective).

Needs of the many vs. needs of the few becomes complicated when the many is comprised of an oppressive group. suddenly needs become bullets. Needs are used to subjugate and control.

I really, really wish more people would watch Star Trek.

And talk about their feelings openly.

But that’s a big ask.

I will be adding to this post as I feel like it with no discernible goal. Vaguely I am eventually trying to get an autism diagnosis, but I’m in no particular hurry as I’m self employed and would get no real benefit from it unless I lose my teaching job and have to seek unemployment.

#late night rant #delete later #what is wrong with me #things to tell my therapist when she gets back in town next week #sorry for all the rants I’m on my period and I have pms #I’m also sick #on spring break #I have watched 2 seasons of Star Trek discovery so it is not all terrible #this post is sponsored by Vicks vapor rub #screaming into the void

[creacherkeeper]

Hi!!! I saw that you youre a social worker, and thats so cool because Im also neurodivergent and wanting to become a social worker. Im curious if youd talk about your journey into becoming a social worker and how youve blended that with games and maybe what gameshave inspired you UwU

hi nonny!! i absolutely would love to talk about it!!

so i've been a social worker for over two years now. i specifically work as a disability coach, content writer, and now supervisor for a company that specializes in services for autistic adults and teens, but i've worked with a lot more clients than just autistic and have professional experience with adhd, trauma/(c)ptsd, anxiety and depression, addiction, dissociative identity disorder, learning disabilities, physical disabilities, chronic pain and fatigue, and more. i started with a specialty in autism, adhd, and trauma, but it quickly wound up that whenever we got a particularly complicated or challenging case my boss just gave them to me :P which is awesome because a lot of the time they wind up being the most rewarding clients to work with

i became a social worker from an unusual route because i actually started in advocacy work. i was a disability advocate for 7 years before i got my job as a social worker, and as an advocate sat on multiple state wide disability boards, was on the board of a center of independent living, ran a statewide autism expo, sat on lots of panels, participated in a think tank, ran community events, hosted a social group, co-wrote a local guide on voting with disabilities, and even made my own educational video game about autism. so it was all of that that caught my boss's eye when i reached out to him about joining the team, and i got the job after a 5 step interview process

after writing a 27,000 word training manual for my company i've now started working with new coaches and doing their training and have been doing their supervision hours as well. i also wrote a comprehensive introductory guide to autism for psychiatric and medical providers

the question about games and gamification goes back pretty far! i struggled very heavily with ptsd, executive dysfunction, and eating disorders through college and just found that therapy wasn't a good fit for me at the time (i didnt have enough knowledge and understanding to ask for what was helpful, and wasn't at a place in my emotional journey to start unpacking years of trauma and abuse) but games were the thing that seemed to help the most. using gamified mental health aids made the process of recovery fun and put it more under my own control. it wasn't clinical and potentially dangerous (i was at severe risk of institutionalization at the time and wanted to avoid it at all costs). using gamified apps and websites, i was able to recover from my eating disorder without professional treatment, take control over my schedule, and balance a job, college, and writing three books enough to graduate with a 3.7 gpa while being entirely financially independent. at the same time, i started playing tabletop roleplaying games like d&d, monster of the week, call of cthulhu, fiasco, starfinder, and more. this so radically improved my communication and conflict resolution skills, and expanded my emotional understanding and vocabulary to the point where i felt like a whole new person

as for inspirations, gamification is still a growing field but there's good stuff out there, and i use them a lot with my clients. they tend to be hit or miss, but they do a lot of good for the people they work for, and i've taken the lessons on how these games work and adapted them into my own individual systems i build on a client by client basis. i've built mini systems to help clients navigate making friends, improve their marriage, write original fiction, and more

habitica is the one i use most often. it's a gamified to do list split into habits, dailies, and to dos where you gain xp, get loot drops, defeat bosses, and collect pets as you accomplish your tasks

superbetter helped me a lot as a younger person, its a mental health site where you take on a secret identity and activate power ups, complete quests, fight bad guys, and recruit allies to recover and accomplish big goals

finch is a digital pet app where you power up and take care of your pet by completing self care activities like drinking water, going on walks, and reaching out to friends

plant nanny is a water tracking app where the liquids you drink in a day water your digital plant. it sends you reminders to drink if your plant is thirsty, and you have to drink enough to keep it from wilting

there's also a lot of video games out there that help you explore difficult emotions and concepts. one example that i absolutely adore is a game i'm replaying right now called spiritfarer. its a cozy resource management game where you play as a psychopomp who ferries the recently deceased to the afterlife. its a very sweet and beautiful game that packs some punches, and has a lot of meaningful things to say on trauma, disability, abuse, premature death, and a lot of other difficult topics. its such an incredibly meaningful game to me. the family gaming database has curated lists of video games that tackle emotional topics like grief, trust, or love in meaningful and sensitive ways. so that's a great place to start if you're looking for games to explore those things!

i hope that answers your question :D i know i wrote a whole novel. but im very excited about the work that i do and my plan for the future is to continue creating games like haunting to help people with mental health challenges and disabilities. this is only my first project but there are more on the horizon im really excited about. in the meantime you can check out my games at @psychhound where i post a lot of smaller systems and try to post freebies fairly regularly!

absolute best of luck with your own journey nonny, and if you ever had any more thoughts or questions please let me know!!

[thinkhappythxughts]

TW for past alcohol/addiction mention, depression, past suicidality, brief gender stuff, just general TMI about my life tbh (some dark stuff but it has a positive ending i promise!)

//

one year ago today my life basically imploded. i had spent over a year binge drinking every night on my own, i had secretly dropped out/failed out of uni, i was stuck in an increasingly stressful web of lies about what i was doing with all my time, everything was just a mess. my mental health was at rock bottom, my physical health was declining rapidly, I was actively suicidal. I put myself in a stupid and dangerous situation that I won't rehash, and finally just called time, got a train home to my parents' house and told them everything.

I don't remember a lot of the first couple of months at home, between the alcohol withdrawal and just general trauma (PSA: go to a hospital if you're detoxing from alcohol. I am incredibly lucky that i didn't have any major medical issues in withdrawal) but i sleepwalked through it, kept going, got back on meds for my depression, and got a therapist.

to say i'm in a different place now would be an understatement. like yes i'm physically way healthier, i have a job (and money woo), i have a partner that i love, i made things right with my family, yada yada. but the real and actual change is that hey, I don't want to die anymore. I've built myself a life that i actually want to live in. i wake up every fucking day and i have things i want to do, people i want to talk to, random shit i want to see.

I won't lie and say it's been easy, because it hasn't. for months i was just living one day to the next, clawing my way through the worst of it, and sometimes i still have days like that. but it was so worth sticking around to see what would happen next, out of curiosity if nothing else. and i am so, so glad I did.

one year on, i'm sitting on my bed surrounded by knitting projects i need to finish, i've got a cup of tea and some biscuits and i've just had a lil cry over the card my Mam gave me for getting to one year sober. I'm seeing my favourite band live in 2 days during a visit to my sister. I'm finally on a waiting list for gender care, which is a stupidly long wait but hey, it's something.

'it gets better' is cliche, and understates the work that you need to put in. and unfortunately, no one else can do the work for you. and it is fucking hard. but it is so worth it. if nothing else, just to see what might be waiting for you on the other side.

#me #this is way too much info but yeah. feeling proud of myself today. #and i had another not so little cry writing this lol #mental health #WONDER YEARS IN TWO DAYS WOOOO #im gonna cry so fucking much at that gig

[vinnyistired]

I was gonna talk about my progress with mental health but it devolved into talking about coffee mugs

I always used to gaslight myself about my mental health. Every failure to adhere to or understand the many unspoken rules of socializing, conversation etiquette, and general just not understanding what seems to come naturally to others in terms of interacting with people I would tell myself this; "I don't have autism/adhd, I'm hyperbolizing the effects trauma had on me, trying to get a diagnosis for any of those things is pointless and will only reveal that I'm a dumdum idiot asshole that can't handle life" or something along those lines. Now that I live in Finland with my husband, I am able to pursue a diagnosis much easier than I would in America, at least financially. My outlook on my own mental health has completely changed in the past week during one conversation I had with a doctor where during it I was like "oh. Yeah. Maybe there is something there."

She asked me where my anxieties come from, and if I have any specific routines, so I brought up something I talked to my husband with a few days prior: My System of Mugs. Instead of being defensive and downplaying it, I allowed myself to be real.

So I really like mugs. Like, a lot. If something that can be eaten from a bowl can fit in a mug, I will opt for a mug like 95% of the time. I mean that's fine right? I'm sure lots of people prefer a big ol' mug of oatmeal, or soup as opposed to a handle-less bowl, especially if you can eat whatever it is without a spoon. I could go on, but you get it. Anyway, that wasn't my "oh. wait." moment. That happened after the 10 minute conversation about how I have a specific mug assigned to one type of drink and very specific reasons as to why they have been assigned that drink. I'm honestly sitting here getting excited by the fact that I get to explain in full detail the purpose of my mugs... I'm so fucking happy there's no character limit.

Coffee Mug - This one is the second biggest in terms of how much liquid it holds. It is also the sturdiest, which is important cause I use it daily and I'm kinda clumsy and drop stuff sometimes. It's black, stout, and and has "Boss Daddy" on it in white text above a crown, which is super funny to me because it's absolutely not meant to be seen as a vague daddy kink thing but totally sounds like it is. It was sold alongside a set for every role of the typical family unit; "Most beautiful Mom" "Smartest Daughter" "Son exist" and whatever, but whoever designed them might not see it beyond being a mug for dad. The idea that there's a possibility that an esl person designed it with entirely pure intentions but people with brain rot like me are ruining it gives the goblin in my brain a hearty but sensible chuckle. It also fits into my clamp-on desk cupholder the best out of all the mugs.

Soda Mug - This one is an officially licensed DooM mug. Other than the fact that I've loved the DooM series since I was old enough to comprehend and play video games, it has nothing going for it. It's just the games title over a landscape of hell printed on a standard white porcelain mug. While I love DooM, the sentimentality isn't strong enough to put anything other than soda in it. Bland corporate product filled with what is essentially highly addictive poisonous sugar elixir seems incredibly fitting. Also, when we get fast food and the mug is empty, I fit the cup into the mug and drink it that way. It prevents me from having to waste a coaster on it.

Soup/cereal/oatmeal/food mug - Definitely the biggest one. It's mint green and has a description of my astrological sign (Taurus) on it in Finnish. It was a gift from my mother in law, and while I'm not way into astrology I do think its fun and harmless. Also it reminds me of my aunt who, when I was a babby, paid someone to read my astrological map thingy and type up a summary of what she predicted my life path would be in the worst formatting and font combo I've ever seen. I'm a grand cross apparently, which I always thought was cool cause Grand Cross is a special move in Castlevania that some of the Belmonts know. Anyway, it's got high sentimental value, so eating stuff from it is comfy. It's the perfect size to use a spoon unencumbered if needed, but also not so big as to be clumsy to drink from.

Juice Mug - This is one of 2 Moomin mugs I have, and it has Little Myy's older sister on it, and another character I'm unfamiliar with. They're in a flowery meadow in what looks like spring, and the colors stand out without being too vibrant so it's pretty chill. It's perfect for juice for this reason. Typically I don't get super sweet juices, opting more for the naturally sweet juices without tons of added sugars, or very tart cranberry. I know cranberry stands out for being so tart, and can be super harsh sometimes, but I love it and I feel like it fits the Moomin vibe so it can share the same mug as orange and other berry juices.

Tea Mug - In contrast to the warm and playful vibe of the previously mentioned Moomin mug, the scene depicted on this one is much more somber. It depicts the Moomin family gathered around the dinner table at night in black and white. They aren't having dinner and it's dark out, so I assume this is the middle of winter when they wake up and eat pine needles and jam then go back to hibernating. To me the scene is the perfect vibe for tea, since I rarely drink tea during the day/summer time. Before this mug I used "guest mugs" for tea, since my other mugs already had roles assigned to them and I didn't want to mix and match. Even thinking about it now makes me anxious. So glad Alex got me this one.

Rando Mug - This mug is weird. It filled the roles of all the previous mugs until I found ones that fit better for their respective purposes. I now use this one when trying new drinks whether they're soft or hard drinks. It doesn't see much action, but I still love it. It was the first mug I got when I moved to Finland so it has a lot of sentimental value to it, and the lore behind it is hilarious to me in a way that I cannot articulate properly, but will try anyway. Alex and I went to Helsinki to a summer marketplace where people could set up and sell whatever food they grew, hunted, or prepared, as well as any trinkets or clothing they made. I came across a booth selling different souvenir-tier doodads, and the dude running it caught me eying the mugs. He told us he was from Estonia, and that he designed the mugs himself. What he meant by that is he found clipart and put it on a mug and is now selling it to people. The one that stood out the most to me was a standard white mug that said "Wild Finland" with pine trees where the i's should be, and it was covered in various Finnish wildlife. The best part of this mug is that each animal is a different style of clipart/google image, and if you look close enough you can see the jagged edges where he used the magic wand tool to get rid of the background, but didn't feather it or clean it up with a soft eraser. I know I said the mug was hilarious to me, but it doesn't come from a place of malice. The dude was in his fifties, probably just learned photoshop and was super proud of it and wanted to share his accomplishment with everyone. That earnestness is what makes it so special, and to me the humor comes from how much of a boomer dad move that is, and how no matter the culture it seems to be universal. I hold that mug in higher respect and artistic esteem than I do the DooM mug, because there was genuine pride and passion put into it despite it's amateurishness and simplicity. I unironically mean this when I say it is a true work of art. I know I invented a bunch of lore about the guy and he could have just as easily been a Gruncle Stan, but either way I wanted to support him and now I have funny animal mug.

Big Blank Mug - It was too big to be called a mug. Massive, thick, and heavy, and far too plain. Indeed, it was a head of raw porcelain. That being said, it's the perfect canvas to be gay and draw cute stuff on it with my husband. We haven't drawn on it in a while, might run it through the dishwasher and draw something new on it. I used to use this mug when I was depressed and drank a full pots worth of coffee a day from it. It took a lot to open up and ask my husband to draw on it with me, as in a previous relationship when I had a similar idea it was shot down and I was made fun of for it. But this isn't about terrible ex lore, this is about mug lore which is honestly more fulfilling and fun. I don't drink out of it anymore since I heavily cut back on coffee since then, but it has the most sentimental value of all the mugs and is definitely the gayest.

Guest Mugs - I don't usually use these mugs unless we make smoothies because I don't have a dedicated smoothie mug... yet. They were a gift from a friend of ours, they're really nice mugs. Whenever I make coffee for guests, I serve it in these. I really these mugs, and they were from a friend of ours that's been in Alex's life for a long time, so despite me not using them often I still appreciate them a lot.

Honorable mention goes to the beer mugs we drink water out of. They aren't technically coffee mugs, and we both use them for water exclusively. Stay hydrated.

I almost forgot why I was writing this and had to change the title of this post to reflect that. It should also be noted that I didn't get these mugs with the sole purpose of creating a mug system. It all just kind of happened. Anyway the doctor then asked me how I would feel if the system of mugs was disrupted or if someone else used them. This never comes up because luckily Alex doesn't like drinking from mugs all that often unless it's chocolate milk or smoothies, in which case he will use the guest mugs. He did ask me what would happen if he put juice in my coffee mug and I immediately got anxious and slightly frazzled at the thought. I realized the one time this was an issue was the only time I ever had to temporarily relinquish my main boss daddy coffee mug to my mother in law who was helping us move. At first I tried not thinking about the fact that she put milk in her coffee, which typically until now the only thing that I every put in that mug was coffee and the occasional scoop of honey, but she kept bringing up the fact that she was using MY mug. I kept trying to focus on packing to get through the uneasiness, but every once in a while she would chime in "sorry I'm using your boss daddy mug haha uwu" its fine, please stop bringing it up. Then five minutes later again "I'm using your cup haha sorry" it's FINE please just pack. Then she did it again, over and over. Why the fuck are you bringing it up so much? Just finish the drink so I can rinse it out and not think about how there's more milk in her coffee than coffee and I'm gonna have to rinse it immediately because milk gets crusty and gross if you don't. For whatever reason she took her sweet ass time with it and she just KEPT BRINGING IT UP anyway I forgot the point of this I think the point was I was officially diagnosed with ocd and cptsd and probably have autism and adhd or somethin idk don't touch my mugs.

#neurodivergence #autism #adhd #ocd #mental illness #mugs

[captainderyn]

!! 12 & 22 for Five from the numbered hcs! (Bonus? 18 for Ryn <3)

Hehe thank you for the asks :D Small essays below lol. Also pretty heavy shit, Ryn and Five are the characters who go through The Most ;--;

Five: (TW: addiction)

12. Grudges and vendettas

Five doesn't really have a lot of vendettas, most of the people he's had an issue with her either no longer around to be an issue with or he just cannot be damned. He's tired, if he kept vendettas against all the people who probably deserve it he'd have no room left in his mind to live outside of a state of anger.

Grudges though, he's got a fair collection. He holds a grudge towards the general institution of Imperial Intelligence. He feels its deeply flawed, as many institutions grow to be, and that potential agents are not properly warned/given a heads up of what they'll be getting into.

I feel like Imp Intel probably falls into a similar pitfall of military recruiting to get bodies--make it look cool as possible, make it seem like a highly beneficial life choice, and slip the severe trauma under the rug.

Now, of course, Five holds a grudge as he's lost many of the people he worked with, called friends, lost ties to his family, ect. He's watched countless of the people he's mentored over the years lose their lives, lose themselves, ect. He himself has struggled with stim-addictions due to his work hours and stress.

He especially holds a grudge against the leadership involved with Erabelle's career as Cipher Nine and intentionally putting a 23 y/o less experienced agent (Era) through what she went through as punishment and a power play because she said something a Sith didn't like. He holds a grudge that they did not let him take that over, as he feels so much heartache and suffering could've been avoided.

In part he holds a grudge towards himself, for giving himself so wholly into his work. He doesn't really know who he is anymore except as who he's become as Five. He's now in his mid-late fourties, almost 15-20 years of his life have been in service to Imperial Intelligence. He hasn't held significant romantic relationships consistently, he doesn't feel as though he lives outside of work. He wishes he'd pushed himself to either get out of Intelligence or found better balance instead of now feeling like a machine.

22. People who’ve influenced them greatly

At this point in his career, Era is really who has the most influence on him now. Yes, he's the one who's trained her, yes he's the mentor/father figure/whatever but in all honesty in his mind he's learned more from her.

She's been through far more than he has been in a three-ish year span than he ever did in his whole career and she made. it. through. How can he not admire that greatly? How could that strength not influence him.

He's learned from her how to live again and how to rediscover himself. He watches her paint post-Intelligence, open her little studio, cover her body in tattoos to take her body back from the institution that used it as a puppet, and he starts to think that he can do that too.

(Putting Ryn under a cut for TW: mental health, depression, pretty gosh darn heavy stuff)

Ryn

18. Things they’ll never admit

Ah...several things. Ryn has this complex where she needs to be the strong one, the rock, for everyone else. To do otherwise is betraying the idea of her that people have built up for her.

The first thing Ryn doesn't really talk about (not so much admit) is anything about the Skyllian Blitz. I touched a bit on it in The Stages of Nearly Losing You but Ryn was 22 when she went through the Skyllian Blitz and aside from zipping through the mandatory Alliance counseling to make sure she's not going to snap going back to duty...she's never really talked about it. Not with her parents, not with Garrus, nope.

She'll never admit how awful it felt to read the news headlines after the Alpha Relay that accused her of making that choice easily because of her history with Batarians in the Skyllian Blitz. She'll never admit how much it hurt to have people turn their perception on her so quick: war hero in the Blitz to monster with the Alpha Relay. That choice wasn't easy. That choice was agonizing and felt like it had no right answer.

Second thing she'll never admit is exactly how much she hates/hated that she was brought back by Cerberus. People know she struggled with it, they know how bad of a place she ended up in. She's never opened up about how many times she felt like so distressed and cornered she no longer wanted to be around.

She doesn't talk about this because its...ungrateful in her mind. Not the best way to phrase it, but basically: other people are so happy that she's back (Joker, Chakwas, Garrus, Tali, family, ect) that she can't imagine making them go through losing her again. Plus, she has so much responsibility. If she's not there to shoulder that burden then who will? If she lets go now, she's taking the easy way out in her mind.

There's so much happening, so much trauma happening to everyone, that she'll never "put that on" other people. In her mind that's her own shit to handle.

(Ooof, that was heavy. I'm so sorry).

#captainderyn answers #oc: Ryn #oc: Five #Ryn's getting some extensive therapy after ME3 change my mind #@everyone in ME universe: turns out when you build someone up to legend status it has harmful affects :)) #My characters? taking everything on themselves to not be a burden? more likely than you think #I could go on and on about the shit Ryn's had to deal with #Five is still being retconned #but I miss him having a wife and kids he established a family post intelligence I just meh...havent created a wife for him myself #it doesnt hit the same