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dykefoosh · 3 years

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Fundys Stream My Nightmare (5/24)

(stuff transcribed live so. it might be wrong but I tried)

F: Remember the times when… when.. when… I.. remember the times when I couldn’t stop a nation from blowing up.. remember the times when I helped the guy who killed tubbo….

You know what bothers me the most? I have been having nightmares with crazy visual stuff happening and I don’t know how to explain it.. I I just.. my memory goes back to.. to those days.. I had the chance that I was always there. I was the helping of will and schlatt and the butters army….

And I.. I couldn’t do anything.. and it leads me to believe it was always my fault.. it makes me think it was always my fault.. and everytime I was apart of something it fucked up.. everything something messes up I’m part of it.. its always been that way.

A day ago.. quackity showed up at my doorstep.. and told me a few things. He told me.. ya know, the things I was part of and the a few things that made sense and a few things that weren’t.. weren’t great to hear, but he was right.

Me and quackity.. had a long talk, it was me thinking he came over to see me. I isolated myself from the world, tried to save everyone from having crazy shit happening, because every time Im part of something everything seems to break down no matter what it is. So I tried to isolate myself from only specific dreams.

And I thought he was going to see me but he had oddly specific business requests. He’s made some mistakes but he’s a nice guy. He told me about my history and made me aware of what happened… well… time for a new chapter maybe. I don’t know.. I don’t know, but its, lets hear him out. I think that’s the least we can do. I mean the place does seem impressive.

Q: I wasn’t here for business I was here for you

F: Do you really mean that?

Q: Why were you in the butcher army?

Q: Work in the cabinet?

Q: You have always had the same interests as me

Q: Because of those past experiences is why I went to see you.

F: You’re. ..Making me smile..

Q:And im not saying it to make you smile.. im saying it to make you think

Q: This is not las Nevadas… this is home. If you decide to join the country.. this simply will be home.

Q:For the longest time I didn’t have a home.. I had two houses in my lifetime, one was in the lmanburg house. Infant we had a dispute as neighbors… and another house underneath Karls house.. but I never intend to go back

F:You literally can’t go back there right?

Q:Do you want me to be honest fundy?

Q:As much as I love to see this as a new beginning… for me it was a necessity.. it was either starting a new chapter or rotting away in self pity.

F:Quackity I don’t really know if this stage is good…

Q:Fundy, you are more then happy to offer your contributions..

F:You’d allow me to do that?

Q:Fundy look at me and listen to me carefully.. I own this place, this place is mine and I am under rule of nobody, no Tommy, Tubbo, Schlatt, Fundy we can do whatever we want under any means, we don’t have to worry about going to war every single week..

Fundy we can finally go everything we want to. And that freedom means more to me then this SMP could ever offer.. We are FREE here.. .this is HOME fundy..

Its home.. this entire place is home, its ours… just like that I have been working on this for a long time just so someone to say you can’t do this you can’t do that you can’t express yourself

Im so tired of people telling me my entire fucking life that I can’t do something. And this is why this place- this is home fundy, this is HOME

I get it Fundy I get it, and we both have been in this situation quackity, we both know what its like to be put down, and to be written on paper and work for months and we know how that feels

And you and me unlike most people

I wish we could include tubbo on that but Tommy Wilbur had that share of power for awhile..

But you and I quackity we had so many ideas but we were pushed aside with our ideas and now all of thats changed and we can do something about it

F: Did you know I visited Paris eeveryyear as a kid?

Q: It wasnt a coincidence fundy…

F: It feels like home.. fundy it feels like home

Q: I don’t think there’s been amount in my life where I’ve been this happy.. And we offer all sorts of entertainment if someone wants

Q: Fundy you gotta chose the people you trust wisely, and Fundy I’ve put trust and hope more trust then hope . I gave too much benefit of the doubt when we were in the lmanburg cabinet, I used to think that somehow which the people we ruled over would someday strive for peace and love and maybe… but thats bullshit fundy… thats bullshit of what people want.. and that breaks my heart fundy.. but you know what? We are here now.. and all this.. you’re gonna see fundy..

F: But what if. What if it happens again Quackity? Quackity I’ve been thinking I told you about the nightmares and stuff quackity.. .once the nightmares finally end and the continuous loop finally escapes and want to know what I see I just see myself. And it tells me that you know.. that every single time.. it always leads me to believe that its always me… and that its crazy.. thats crazy..

Q: Fundy? Don’t talk nonsense… don’t talk nonsense on las Nevadas

F: sorry. Im sorry

Q: No fundy don’t apologies, you and I have been kicked in the ground and you and I have been undermined for so long,, and it doesn’t matter.. where are they?

Q: Wilbur as far as I am aware is dead..

Q: Tommy.. I haven’t even heard of Tommy in so long for all we know hes still chasing that disk

At one point of all of these friends I considered friends they are all still chasing the same thing over and over again and they think thats going to change… but thats the thing you have to create the change yourself.

But until you finally realize your own self worth as a warrior and an excellent member I don’t want you in las nevadas.. I care for you as a person, you’re not a business partner you’re not some asset some pawn, you’re my friend and I rather you work on yourself and realize your self worth.

And that point I don’t want you to be far away from me

You know what fundy? I still want you to find yourself….. Theres so much unused land here.. how about you take this plot here fundy and how about you build yourself a place you call home. Build whatever you want.. build your home’

F: Whatever I want? Actually? Like if I go back and find myself… if that ever were to happen.. this is the place I can call home? Right here?

Q: Build your legacy…. Fundy is big fundy is powerful fundy is smart… and translate all of those things into a nice big building…

F: Right now it doesnt strike me as the right thing to do.. well you know me better.

Q: Fundy.. you have to let go.. YOU HAVE TO LET GO..

F: I can do that.. I can do that.. .. its my choice its my decision

Q: Fundy.. pretend lmanburg never happened, pretend all of the wars never happened.. yell to the sky I am born again say I am born again I am no longer the old version of me.. it will take some time but I’m sure one day you will understand.. fundy im sure you will understand

Fundy I just have one last thing to say to you.. just follow me.. Look at this sign… Fundy… Welcome home fundy…

Welcome home..

F: You know at the end of the day.. he is actually nice..

Thats was friends do.. thats what friends do… good day actually good day.. my good friend.. who’s very busy lately… so what if he couldn’t visit me for three months.. and so a friend like me I can understand that people can be busy for three months like quackity or ever since I left… and im a good friend.. a bro.. you know what? You know what lil guy? I think I think… Im gonna have a good night… I think tonight might be different.. I think tonight im gonna have a good night…

#las nevadas #fundy #quackity #lmanburg #lmanberg #manburg #schlatt #wilbur #wilbur soot #tommyinnit #tubbo #quackityhq #ranboo #dreamsmp #dsmp #dreamwastaken

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thegurlbehindthesmile · 4 years

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I Wonder....

Hologram- The Technicolors plays in the background.

What race did i think i was in all this time? It was like this perpetual reminder constantly nagging me in my head...

what your 18 better not be singe for long-

better go to college and forget about boys

- better get a degree and make lots of money

...married at 22 no degree -

better excel in your career and climb the corporate ladder.

hours of work and devotion

BUT wait, dont work too hard you gotta have kids before your 30

what about an apartment-

how about a trailer-

how about a HOUSE.

.. First son at 27-

turning 30 at the end of this year. where did the time go?

...together for 11 years, married for 7 years, a 2 year old , a house, a dog, two cars.

i did exactly what i wanted to do in life. i suppose.

don’t get me wrong i probably would seem obnoxiously ungrateful if i didn’t just stop there and say THANKS.

beautiful son. gorgeous husband.

the list goes on- everything ive set my mind to in the past decade i have made come true.

NOW WHAT

i had this alarm in my head that i had to do “all this before 30″ why?? health reasons? statistic reasons? rumors? stories, why?

i feel like im rounding the last bend to a marathon i didnt even ask to be in? (or did i??!)

i think throughout my hussle and bussle (although i DID have SOME fun) i got lost in it all. I quickly entered the world of being 18 shattered battered and...engaged? positive that the love i was about to receive would catapult me into everything id ever needed. (i guess it sorta did.) career driven. beautiful. man on my side. ring on my hand “livin life” literally just climbing any career ladder i could- i had my “husband” as my cheerleader at my side. HUSBAND guys would say- “you’re to young”. yeah i got that ALOT. going to 21st birthday parties as the only married girl there. WHO WAS I. we took married and young by the horns. i was so driven. you get over whelmed by the freedom. naturally you fall into some sort of rhythm because nice things cost money, and time just passes as you work and watch your work pay off. you feel accomplished. i was sure i saw my career in site and one would assume this WAS IT. this was the magic they talked about- enjoying your 20s- having a career u love- being MARRIED and secure. perfect...................

we were... the first couple to have an apartment. (so; big parties- no rules *rolls eyes) we had a”wedding” so we had all these lovely gifts and things to lavish ourselves with in our first apartment. THE DREAM right? just working and living and having fun. we traveled alot,, camped- we had big dreams to always be “like this” forever. in a moment (5 years into the beautiful maddness actually) we were sure we needed to materialize this power we had. this “love” we had needed to be a thing, a thing we wanted to nurture and bless and carry with us on our adventures. we had so much love we were ready to see what we could grow. (and grow it did- we had JP)

the first year was hard- a new dynamic...we werent 2 anymore we were 3. and all of our decisions had a larger precaution. we wanted different things. rooted things. more stability. more direction. the air was different.

i was different.

i had put my career aside in my mind to concentrate on.on being something that something ELSE would flourish and grow beautifully in (um literally?) KIDS. i will be the first to tell you, kids were not on my radar (i just never saw myself as a kid person, i never understood the look parents give their little humans time after time- it confused me- it scared me i guess. it was just foreign.) till... i put allllll other thoughts aside. most definetly my first act of unconditional unselfish love. “hey self, we are about to give up our entire self to producing another human being” everything you smell eat touch. EVERYTHING. its like...well its like nothing youve ever gone through before until youve gone through it. we are fuckin amazing..the body can do some fuckin shit. COMPLETELY change in order to make this THING ... HUMANS and yeah. real hearts and lungs and little legs (oh and the hiccups, the awesome hiccups)

PHysically and mentally you go through some shit and although that may have been obvious to some- most??? it was not for me.

Mount Everest- Labrinth.

its just alot. im already not the best mentally- so to add this new function. emotional bandwith overload papi.

first its like 2,000 percent mom over load. YOU ARE A MOM and this teeny tiny creature needs you. NEEDS you. a need you thought you knew BUT YOU DO NOT. its this overwhelming warming beautiful amazing thing, the need a kid has for their parents. (i was IN IT- DEEP in IT) IN love wasnt even the world. i do not loveeeee my son. my son IS LOVE. i can not explain it. but you get mentally rewired. i am not the girl i was before, im just not.

i no longer wanted the career i had before. i no longer even wanted the LIFE i had before. i wanted more of this drug my son was giving me. this surreal daydream of laughs and kisses and just moments. time literally passes differently now. i see things differently now, i feel things differently now. things have so much different meaning. i swear its as if im stuck in some molly, acid, shroom trip.

i feel like someone lit a fire to my soul and everything i touch now is illuminated differently. when a person is growing inside you you can feel their heartbeat. you can feel the brush of their leg as they roll over to get comfortable. life has different meaning. LOVE has different meaning. love darling is caring you for 9 months and waiting with baited breathe for a stranger youve created. its a smell youve never smelled before and instantly is your favorite. its like you were never comfortable before they fell asleep in your arms, youve never known true peace until their skin was comfortable by yours. ITS PURE MAGIC . i was different.

some of the things i loved before, i- was confused about now.

Love was different for me now,

how i wanted to give love.

how i wanted to receive love.

like a perpetual darkness was lifted from my eyes.

Wash.-Bon Iver

Im sorry i didnt know it would change ME. (im sorry about how cliche that sounds..)

from the moment i was little. it was go to school. get good grades. to go college. find a nice boy. get married. move in together, start a family- live happily ever after

but they leave out the nitty griddies. (even my own parents were divorced. who was anyone kidding) the years following our marriage all we heard about was how divorce was at its all time high. we vowed (among other things) that , that wouldnt be us. we both came from homes and divorce and we didnt want that for us.

i think it was then that divorce became this ugly word. scary word. bad word. i mean it is though..right?...

verb

1.legally dissolve one's marriage with (someone)

2.separate or dissociate (something) from something else.

we got married because. well im sure for different reasons?

i got married because,( it was what i was suppose to do?). you find someone you love and are attracted to and if your lucky enough to have them feel the same way- you... marry them. and thats that.you cant have kids or live with someone who you arent married too (said the stigma of my parents and those around me) i mean i know theres more to it then that but a brief outline? leaving out all the mooshy stuff. you make this feeling legal, you change some names and now your not only emotionally reliant on this person but basically reliant on them for every fuckin single thing else too (basically).

marriage is beautiful. if your lucky enough to find your soul mate in this world. someone who just gets you and enjoys your company and wierdness then your blessed and you would probably want to spend the rest of your existence with this person. i mean it makes sense.

its just as i’ve developed into this next stage of myself, ive made each of my actions have more purpose (i do this because everthing i do my son now sees and its just different now) howww i do something- what i say. i just think about it all and that includes the things i was naturally doing before that i never thought of.

marriage. do i love my sons father yes. hes attractive and im attratced to him. hes funny and knows just how to make me laugh. its the little things. how he makes JP laugh or when their doing snuggles in his bed. how my son says Dada when hes upset or how he looks just like him. before my love for my husband was an array of things from love to lust- obsession. all the best and worse of love. we were inseparable. engulfed in each other in EVERY way, i knew we were in love and so did everyone around us.

and then my son was born.

JP....i dont think you have to marry someone to show them how much you love them. i think true devotion starts with intention and your soul mate will know by your actions where your true feelings are.always be true. always be kind. i think if you want to love someone- love them fully, respectfully and unconditionally. learn and grow with them and from them and continue to make each other better people. and in that time you find your spark ignites another i employ you to indulge in meeting new people and new interactions. Make your heart full if you feel it hurting. not bonded by anything physical but truly understanding that you were meant to love. REALLY LOVE. and maybe thats with one person forever, or a series of different people through out your life time in so many different and amazing ways. boys, girls.. just loving people and sparking the light in them only YOU can ignite. and becoming your best self. only to continue to become your best self with that same intention for others.

and thats my truth. i look into your eyes and just want the best for you.knowing that’s different for you as it is me. but realizing i want to live by the example i want you to live by.

.... im not her anymore.

the day you were born i became someone new.

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malojey · 5 years

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Has to be like 62

Today started awful but concluded with me feeling noticeably content, calm, and it was reassuring. Karl left for 2 weeks travelling but I didnt get to chat to him much. I really like Sean, I think hes a good character to help me progress from child to adult. We had a good few hour+ long talks since I've moved in. I think I'm gonna look for bar work in the near future, maybe after Christmas. It'll give me a sustainable career for now and I can start travelling and working wherever I like. I'd really like to travel around and theres supposed to be some money in bar work, especially for a handsome ginger in a foreign country they'll fucking eat me up hahaha.

I've been incredibly strapped for cash this month, the luas is fucking expensive. Had 21 quid this morning then dropped 15 on the way to work🙃 Graham gave me 20 today to buy groceries but 5 on the leap 12 something on food leaves me with fuck all and its 15 days til pay. I'm gonna trade in most of my physical games tomorrow, a lot I've never played more than an hour so it's not a huge loss. I think I only bought them to fill the void after the breakup but none gave me the satisfaction I needed. I'll miss spiderman tho. Random thought popped in my head I remember in secondary school you could only access your locker at the start of the day and end, then lunch. Teachers would go mad if you went between classes or on break in the morning, that was a stupid rule. So I'm looking to get about 105 from the games and hopefully that'll do me for the month. JM said he'd give me a lend if I need it and with GPs going away night coming up I might just need it.

Music - Joyner released ADHD (single) and after a couple listens I liked it. ADHD as a whole I dont think I'll be a big fan of but that's on me. It's a more mainstream sound, a lot of auto tuned vocals. I have to come to appreciate that hes not underground anymore. Hes been rippity rappin, proving his skills, for the last 4 years of me being a fan and now he's branching his sound. There wouldnt be as much evolution in different punchlines and more word play, plus hes done everything from slow wavy flows to machine gun spitting, so traditional rap wise hes kinda done everything. He introduced ADHD as the music hes been waiting to make, literally saying it's a more mainstream sound than previous work. But I'm not blown back by every line anymore so in that regard I feel his lyrics have slipped. Dont get me wrong, I still think hes one of the best rappers in the game right now, and I've been eagerly anticipating the Angels and Demons project w Chris Brown ever since I heard Stranger Things for the first time taking a shit in Abuelas toilet, but I'm finding it hard to place him as my favourite rapper anymore. I really think J. Cole is top of that list rn, hes too fucking good and he just does everything, and does it so well. I wish I appreciated him as much as I do now back when we seen him. Also that was the first night I ever heard JID and EarthGang and they are topping as favourites too now, dont really feel Ari's style but shes a good singer. If only I could go back to that night I'd tear the 3 arena apart🤣 seeing JID at longitude was insane and I wanna try see him in the academy for Chrimbo.

Been listening to shuffle on spotify today, 4631 songs. Can go from Eminem to Haley Reinhart to DJ VI to Sinatra to Avenged Sevenfold to Twenty One Pilots to classical instrumentals to some damn spoken word poetry. I like it :)

Albums - Mirrorland by EarthGang, Ginger by Brockhampton.

Games - Played the fifa demo, I kinda enjoyed it more than the pes one ngl, but will see what happens on pay day. Kept only 3 physical games, Red Dead 2, The Witcher 3, and Dying Light. I installed Dying Light onto my playstation so tomorrow when I get home I'm gonna sit down, turn off the lights, throw my headphones on high and parkour the shit outta some zombies.

Haven't smoked a J in 2 days. Yesterday was gagging for one, today felt alright. It's a fucking black hole, if I smoke I always wanna smoke. I have to keep a straight head to me seriously.

Sorted out my room a bit more, well my bedside table to be more exact. I have a decent top drawer and a snack n shit drawer. My books and everyday things like earphones, wallet, keys and other shit in the top drawer. Phone cases, vape coil, jaffa cakes, pistachios, aldi M&Ms, plug heads, and hair cream in the under one. It looks neater and more proper.

Tomorrow will be my second week here. Out of ten, rn lying in bed listening to music after some camomile tea and cbd vape, I'd say I'm feeling a ramshackle 8.

Btw he released The Fall of Hobo Johnson so I gotta listen soon.

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