malojey

[malojey]

I really hope you've made peace with it, and what I have to say wont stir up old feelings or ruin your flow, but it's been 25 months, and still I've not come to grips with it.

If you see this, I ask that you call or text me. [phone]

I've written letter after letter but it never felt right. To put it bluntly, Ive never fully dealt with how our relationship ended, because I wasn't honest to you. Something that's haunted me for the last 4 years. Every single day, and I really do mean every single day, it's been in my head.

I want to have a conversation with you. I want to meet up with you after this corona shit, even just for a coffee and no longer. I will fly over one morning and fly back that night, and to me, that'll be the final chapter in what keeps me so attached to my adolescence.

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do writing this, because if it's not ignored it can only end one way. But as late as it has come, you should know.

To this day I still have immense love for you Anna, I have never lied about that.

I hope what's to come doesnt put doubt in your mind about my feelings throughout our relationship or what you meant to me.

And I hope our relationship feels so distant to you that it wont effect you in ways I've feared it might.

This will be my last post on this

If you read this and dont contact me, I will understand.

I wish you the best, the girl that forever lives in my heart. You gave me the best years of my life. I hope yours are yet to come.

Joe

19/05/20 9:32pm

[malojey]

[malojey]

Previous post was a bit dramatic, but I do have to own up to something

Do message when u get a chance

[malojey]

Drugs

This has turned from a sober log to the only place I acc feel safe putting my thoughts.

I hope I forget about this and find it 10 years down the line I'll be fucking stoked haha

[malojey]

[malojey]

[malojey]

Wed Nov 6 19

Got up, made my coffee, put my clothes in the spin washer, took out a cigarette and since the builders are out the back I went to the front door.

When I opened it there was a morbidly obese mini jack Russell standing on the door mat looking up at me and smiling and it was the best morning I had in a long time🤣

[malojey]

[malojey]

Giving it the benefit of the doubt and saying 71 - 28.09.19

Cos i cant count and it doesn't display dates on tumblr🤷‍♂️

I've been good man. Despite the recent pivotal changes I've been good. I've been calm and I've kept a straight head for the majority.

Work: It was AmGs last day today. I wasnt in work but I did pop into him. Hes a good man and he didnt deserve the treatment he got from carphone after all his years of dedication but that's carphone for ye. CD and EM are moving to citywest, GP moved to vietnam💔 so that leaves me AR, EC and JF. We're transferring in Citywests manager and I dont know how I feel about it. I'm open to change, meeting new people, but hes gonna come in hot with his dick swinging and expect us to lick his ass off the bat which is only gonna breed more turmoil in the staff but nothing I can do about it🤷‍♂️. I'll get my head down for AR, she really wants me to do well and it's only the lack of shits I can give for the shop that's holding me back. When I'm good I'm fucking good, but I have to consciously be good more often.

I cant remember if I said it in a previous post but I dont think I've posted since so, GP has officially left the country. He was a very very vital part of the last year of my life and my evolution. It's sad to see him go.

I wish nothing but the best for you Gerry, you deserve to get your break. Live the fucking dream.

Karl's home tomorrow so theres gonna be a shift in energy in the house so I'm hoping it doesn't fuck up my flow. Enjoyed the last couple weeks with Sean.

Dababy released his new album and its projected to go #1, gave it a few listens but I think I may have over hyped him. Hes still an unreal newcomer but I think he'll get complacent. Pony, Suge and Taking it out still top my list of his songs, but theres one or two bangers of Kirk.

Made another email for when I was looking for a room, then set it up on youtube. I'm gonna have more practical things on it, things that will help me grow or I find intresting. My original all I get is podcasts football and gamers that I dont even watch anymore. Rustyblueprints is full of generic B tech rap beats and sometimes podcasts because I forget to change from one to the other. I feel I'm stuck in a closed minded loop of youtube suggestions and now is a time where I crave diversity. 3rd times the charm as they say.

Laurena recommended me a few self help books. I'm either gonna get them this month or next. This month tho I am getting a thesaurus and a dictionary, I had that idea the other night and I A LAMP I NEED A LAMP got a feeling of comfort if that makes any AND A MIRROR sense. Also want to get Steve-Os autobiography and a keyboard.

I started this earlier but when I came back I kinda lost track, I think I've stuff in my notes from the last few days that I'll screenshot and attach in an edit.

Music: A lot of X, I was showing sean some of his music and telling him how much I admired his creative side so it put me in the mood for him and I listened to his soundcloud. His soundcloud was his safe haven and I cant believe I never went through it properly, so much more music, so much more thoughts. I'm gonna get some art of X for over my bed and some of Mac for the other wall or over my TV.

Albums: GO:OD AM and The Devine Feminine by Mac, 17 and a lot of X, Baby on Baby and Kirk by Dababy, 4 Your Eyez Only by J.Cole, The Sunset Tapes by Jaden, Psychodrama by Dave

I'm gonna drop the initials of names like what am I even hiding hahah

[malojey]

[malojey]

Cant remember

Yesterday was a weird one, bracelets in deals, Amg watching shanto and stoney insta with sean.

Stay off the weed joe. It isnt even fun

[malojey]

Has to be like 62

Today started awful but concluded with me feeling noticeably content, calm, and it was reassuring. Karl left for 2 weeks travelling but I didnt get to chat to him much. I really like Sean, I think hes a good character to help me progress from child to adult. We had a good few hour+ long talks since I've moved in. I think I'm gonna look for bar work in the near future, maybe after Christmas. It'll give me a sustainable career for now and I can start travelling and working wherever I like. I'd really like to travel around and theres supposed to be some money in bar work, especially for a handsome ginger in a foreign country they'll fucking eat me up hahaha.

I've been incredibly strapped for cash this month, the luas is fucking expensive. Had 21 quid this morning then dropped 15 on the way to work🙃 Graham gave me 20 today to buy groceries but 5 on the leap 12 something on food leaves me with fuck all and its 15 days til pay. I'm gonna trade in most of my physical games tomorrow, a lot I've never played more than an hour so it's not a huge loss. I think I only bought them to fill the void after the breakup but none gave me the satisfaction I needed. I'll miss spiderman tho. Random thought popped in my head I remember in secondary school you could only access your locker at the start of the day and end, then lunch. Teachers would go mad if you went between classes or on break in the morning, that was a stupid rule. So I'm looking to get about 105 from the games and hopefully that'll do me for the month. JM said he'd give me a lend if I need it and with GPs going away night coming up I might just need it.

Music - Joyner released ADHD (single) and after a couple listens I liked it. ADHD as a whole I dont think I'll be a big fan of but that's on me. It's a more mainstream sound, a lot of auto tuned vocals. I have to come to appreciate that hes not underground anymore. Hes been rippity rappin, proving his skills, for the last 4 years of me being a fan and now he's branching his sound. There wouldnt be as much evolution in different punchlines and more word play, plus hes done everything from slow wavy flows to machine gun spitting, so traditional rap wise hes kinda done everything. He introduced ADHD as the music hes been waiting to make, literally saying it's a more mainstream sound than previous work. But I'm not blown back by every line anymore so in that regard I feel his lyrics have slipped. Dont get me wrong, I still think hes one of the best rappers in the game right now, and I've been eagerly anticipating the Angels and Demons project w Chris Brown ever since I heard Stranger Things for the first time taking a shit in Abuelas toilet, but I'm finding it hard to place him as my favourite rapper anymore. I really think J. Cole is top of that list rn, hes too fucking good and he just does everything, and does it so well. I wish I appreciated him as much as I do now back when we seen him. Also that was the first night I ever heard JID and EarthGang and they are topping as favourites too now, dont really feel Ari's style but shes a good singer. If only I could go back to that night I'd tear the 3 arena apart🤣 seeing JID at longitude was insane and I wanna try see him in the academy for Chrimbo.

Been listening to shuffle on spotify today, 4631 songs. Can go from Eminem to Haley Reinhart to DJ VI to Sinatra to Avenged Sevenfold to Twenty One Pilots to classical instrumentals to some damn spoken word poetry. I like it :)

Albums - Mirrorland by EarthGang, Ginger by Brockhampton.

Games - Played the fifa demo, I kinda enjoyed it more than the pes one ngl, but will see what happens on pay day. Kept only 3 physical games, Red Dead 2, The Witcher 3, and Dying Light. I installed Dying Light onto my playstation so tomorrow when I get home I'm gonna sit down, turn off the lights, throw my headphones on high and parkour the shit outta some zombies.

Haven't smoked a J in 2 days. Yesterday was gagging for one, today felt alright. It's a fucking black hole, if I smoke I always wanna smoke. I have to keep a straight head to me seriously.

Sorted out my room a bit more, well my bedside table to be more exact. I have a decent top drawer and a snack n shit drawer. My books and everyday things like earphones, wallet, keys and other shit in the top drawer. Phone cases, vape coil, jaffa cakes, pistachios, aldi M&Ms, plug heads, and hair cream in the under one. It looks neater and more proper.

Tomorrow will be my second week here. Out of ten, rn lying in bed listening to music after some camomile tea and cbd vape, I'd say I'm feeling a ramshackle 8.

Btw he released The Fall of Hobo Johnson so I gotta listen soon.

[malojey]

¿59?

I just wrote a long post from 7:49 til 8:45 but apparently "something flubbed" so sound tumblr gimme my hour back

Albums - ?deluxe by X, Mirrorland by earthgang ROTD 3 by Dreamville and started Hollywoods bleeding.

Quick summary intresting days heres a vid of me room

Was born 7278 days ago btw

[malojey]

It's probably around day 57

Work home maybe talk smoke bed and start again.

I've officially been here a week. It's okay. I like the house, I like the lads. I guess I'm just bored. I'm not doing anything with my days like I listen to podcasts and music but what's the benefit if I dont feel like I'm learning anything.

I have been smoking every day since the 30th. I really need to cop on. It legit only makes me awkward and self conscious. I cant talk or text when I'm stoned cos I over analyse myself and shoot back into my shell. AR and MR were both disappointed I started smoking again.

We all went out for a quite few drinks to celebrate GPs time in tallaght. Quite few drinks in an old man pub but that didnt stop me from dropping a pill. I opened up a lot to GP and AR and I think it was good to let them see another side of me but at the same time I shouldn't be messing around with drugs so much.

It was the anniversary of Macs passing on saturday. Swimming was a huge album to me. Rest in paradise you legend

[malojey]

Day 52 / 53

I've unpacked the last of my stuff last night smoked a joint and headed for bed. It's a different type of alone here. I dont know the area, I'm not comfortable. I feel like an awkward visitor. Karl's mum was in and I wouldnt go downstairs then this morning I didnt get up until I heard everyone go out. 2 nights and I already feel weak

[malojey]

7th July 2019

We got in, I'd no phone. Lost paddy, me and jack fucked off seen joyner seen Sheck seen Brockhampton seen a funny looking cunt pretending he plays county but by that point I was already off my face I got a temporary tattoo on my neck that said logic and had glitter everywhere I got me and jack drinks two hours later I hear juice wrld I do 4 pumps and I remember puking my ring up outside of the Heineken with lucid dreams in the back round jack finds me I'm on my back snuggled up to someone her friend waved jack off so he tried to find paddy 5 minutes later the gards kicked us told us calm down so I got up and realised I lost jack and paddy. Alone out my nut surrounded by 40,000 people but then I heard ski mask play look at me and when I say I lost my shit I mean literally I lost my shit. AmD found me and we danced a bit she texted jack to find me an hour later they got the bus without me. I'm literally in hours drive home walking from Marley park to blessington so I thought a bump and that can in my pocket would suddenly help my journey.

Me and AmD pushed to get out and I asked for a smoke but she had rollies so I started a chant with no joke about 60 people. Any body wanna give me a moke with back ups of moke, moke. Got two smokes thrown in the middle when whe gained enough traction and lit them both at the same time and no joke everyone cheered. I swear this is a true story of my night that was one of the best moments of my life. Aoife dragged me out and we walked to Tesco gave her a hug and thought she put a leaf crown with a pink bow on my head but she said I've been wearing it for 3 hours so I decided to keep it. I tried retrace our steps and by 3 o'clock found a chipper chatted away smoked a rollie in a long skin lying back on a wooden table got told to fuck off then I got to a bus stop i remembered from where cills dad dropped me to one day to get the bus and seen some funny looking cunts in a limerick Jersey. Me Tom and fanny sat out at the bus stop smoking doobs and listening to x he told me he produced I told him send them on he got my snap I stopped some poor sober guy to take a pic and I will attach [soon, as of 00:21 4th September]

They left after that I didnt know where to go I hung back and walked what I thought was the only logical way to go but they turned down that way before me I thought I'd turn off but it's a bypass what normal guy turns on a bypass it's like ten minutes and I think they think I'm a serial killer who just got high at a bus stop so I turn left at this road and I don't know where I am. The sun rises in the east and river islands at the east carpark, so if go adjacent I'll get somewhere. The roads come back to me as I sweat out the mandy start to sober up and freeze i lost my jacket friday too i find the square but see no taxi cant stay there i work there that'll look dodgy i walk up a naked road leading to JT. The applegreens 24hrs doesn't matter if theres junkies around it I've cotten mouth only got 30 in cash now and its 35 to blesso so walk away but fucks walk faster. Called over ye mad cunt I'd say your freezing his name was philly he said he was heading up this was anyway just sold a bag asked if I wanted a bag and asked if I wanted a knee but I stared him down and he laughed it off and he pulled out a screwdriver gave me it said if I'm gonna be round here i need something to help and I said I dont want it so he threw it across the road and pulled 4 nails out of pocket asked if I wanted them then threw them at the fence. On maple wood Avenue I crossed into the grass part in the middle then he asked if he was intimidating me. I seen a taxi tried call it he jumped over shouting short of cartwheeling to wave down this taxi and I dong blame him for passing. We walked towards the square again and he asked me for a score I said no but did give him 4 euro. Got a taxi at like almost 6 and away from a situation was gonna be my last. One of those teen gets high stabbed to death kinda stories but I tried to explain I was broke. I had a 20 5 and 1 , he said we'll see how far it gets me. He was asking about the night and I think he kind of felt for me, lovely old Nigerian man. We got to blessington and it was 33. I searched the bag that I covered in blood from my nose for 3 awkward minutes and gave him 3 euro in 50s and 20s and he kept asking if I'd anymore. I pulled out the revolut card that I recieved for 6 euro 3 days earlier after a 10 euro deposit.

Thus concludes my first purchase with revolut.

Edit: 5:08 8th September 2019 found the pic gas night a the same

[malojey]

48 through Monday, 2nd September, 2019

Pay day, got a shit haircut

Went out for GPs leaving spent more than I need to

Officially moved out

I asked pauline to help me bring my things, she and graham kept the piece with ruth. I left hugo for frankie.

This is a life changing night and I dont know how serious I'm taking it. I bought weed friday not because I felt withdrawal but because I thought I'd like a joint after all this. 3 nights been smoking including tonight. The lads are cool, I'm awkward I feel like I look weird, I may be overthinking it but I do kind of have a negative sense of anticipation for this. I live here now. These people are who I live with. This is my room. This is my life.

Leaving hugo for frankie was what felt like the final strand of what I used to be. I hope they'll be okay.

I'm not gonna smoke weed the next while just to get back thinking straight. It was the wrong decision smoking again.

A bus goes by my window every 15 minutes🙃

I dont know what to think, I feel lonely. Pauline was great today.

Albums - 17, ?, Skins by X, Psychodrama by Dave, The College Dropout by Kanye