#like theirs is an actual relationship. a real one. and people give them such hate for having a true relationship
Note
May I ask what aspect in a man would make him someone who want to take care of his wife financially? A provider kind of man i heard of venus aspecting jupiter making a man provider?
Is he a provider? 💸
This is such an interesting question! I will answer this based on my own personal experiences, opinions and what Ive seen so it might not be true for everyone!
What energy a man have touching his Venus & 7th house says a lot about his view on relationships and roles in a relationship. I also think planets in the 2nd or 8th house because of how we view ”theirs & ours”.
Here is my experience with the Venus aspects:
Venus aspecting Pluto: The men I met with Venus Square Pluto had nothing against providing for a woman, i think this might be because of the control it gives and keeping his wife in the house which lessens the chances of her meeting other men since these men can be kinda paranoid. I dont know about the conjunction tho because with the conjunction Ive seen both men who were ok with providing and men who was against it and found women who want to be provided for ”golddiggers”. I also noticed these men very likely to be baby trapped and therefore forced to provide. They love a manipulative woman even tho they swear they hate manipulative people they aaaalways end up with someone shady.
Venus aspecting Saturn: This might seem shocking but men with Venus aspecting Saturn were actually least likely to be a provider and Ive seen men with this (especially the hard aspects) have their wife be the provider. Ive also noticed that these men love a hard working woman and can be kind of lazy, especially if they have Libra placements. Ive mentioned it before in my posts that Ive had men with Venus/Saturn ask me about about how much i make etc on the first date which for me is a no no.
What I find odd with Venus/Saturn men is that I find them to be VERY traditional about everything except from money, like wanting to get married before moving in, wanting their girlfriend to convert incase shes from another religion, caring about social status, not liking ppl with a bad rep etc, but when it came to money they completely lost this traditional mindset. I dont think this is purely bc of them being lazy i think its bc Venus/Saturn men tend to be attracted to the typical strong large and in charge business woman since thats typical saturn. They love a milf.
Venus aspecting Jupiter: These men can be VERY generous and they enjoy giving. Some of the most generous people so mer had this placement. Ive only seen this with the Square and Conjunctions tho so I cant speak on the other aspects. Men with Venus aspecting Jupiter loves to spoil all their loved ones. But the man I dated with the conjunction had this conjunction in his 6th house so he loooved to work which is also why he could provide. He tied his self worth(venus) to his ability to work and be of service(6th house) so house placement plays a huge role. A man with this conjunction in the 8th house would probably have a huge appetite for other peoples money and in being on the recieving end & probably used to being spoiled himself.
Venus aspecting Neptune: This one is a wild card. Ive seen men with this one who wants to be saved by a woman and men who themselves wanted to be a saviour. These men could be generous as hell if paired with a Jupiter aspect and sometimes to the wrong woman because they overidealize people. But this aspect can also make someone very lazy and make them dream too much. Some men Ive met with Venus conjunct Neptune loves a damsel in distress and therefore wanted to be a provider for her while other men with this placement were completely helpless and wanted a strong woman to take charge. So with this one I have to say i dont know if they are provider or not, it depends on what other planet their venus aspects. I think venus/neptune and a saturn/venus aspect can make a man a real leech especially if his venus is in the 8th house.
Venus aspecting Uranus: These men have a very modern view on relationships (depends on rest of the chart ofc) and are therefore likely to feel like we are past the whole men being providers thing. This is another wild card. Ive seen men with this (the conjunction and Square) who even had a woman provide for them. They are less likely to feel ”ashamed” for not fitting into whats considered the norm. I actually know of two guys right now with the conjunction who moved in to a womans apartment and shes the sole provider. They dont find that weird in any way while the men i know with venus square pluto would feel embaressed.
So yeah in MY opinion Venus/Pluto is the most likely and Venus/Saturn the least likely. I also think Juno plays a role here, the providers i checked the charts of had their Juno in signs like Cancer, Virgo and Pisces. Oh and another interesting thing i found: women with Juno in the 10th house had nothing against providing for a man. I also think synastry plays a huge role here. 💜
I would love to hear what everyone thinks & what your experiences are!
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Jungkook
W.D.Y.W.F.M [Lovebites]
Jungkook could've adopted anybody else, really. He's gotten to know a lot of hybrids left and right during his time at the carecenter and foster homes- low maintenance ones, friendly ones, ones that are easy to be around. So why would he want you?
Tags/Warnings: Idol!Jungkook, Hybrid!Reader, Fox Hybrid!Reader, mentions of trauma, Reader isn't cute & cuddly in this at all, manhandling (not the spicy kind), sort of brat-tamer Jungkook but not in the kinky way if that makes sense? This is about four years AFTER the Prelude chapter!, slight angst, okay it's actually not slight, mentioned attempted violence against mc, mentioned panic attack, fluff, slightly suggestive towards the end but overall SFW
Length: 3.4k words
There is no taglist for this fic.
A/N: Have you forgotten about this because I didn't
-> Masterlist
⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅
He remembers the day he'd made it public. Not only the fact that he had you, was living with you, legally.. well, owned you-
But that he was also in a relationship with you.
Jungkook remembers the immense wave of both support and hate clashing against one another, both sides aggressively trying to win a fight that was never theirs to fight to begin with. No one ever really pushed against or with him- it had always been about you. Fans trying to shelter and protect you, others attempting to use your past against you, slandering you or even attempting to scare you away from him.
From online threats against your safety, birthday projects all over the world to people actually attempting real life harm against you on airports, and others making signs specifically about loving you to hold up during concerts.
It's a constant push and pull- but after four years now, fans had to pretty much accept the fact that you existed and had this connection to him, or stay in their delusions and theories as to why it cannot be true.
It's like it's gotten simply boring. Old news.
He's kept you at his side, safe and sound, through all these years. Doesn't hide you when he's live, or outside, or taking the plane, or filming. You're a part of his life, and he doesn't ever attempt to keep you hidden. And neither does he ever want to back down and give anyone reason to think that he's not taking you seriously- neither as someone to love, nor as someone to keep safe.
He will do both, fully. Love you, and protect you.
Jungkook is currently live, talking to fans while you're on the couch next to him, tired but unable to sleep yet because it's something you've developed ever since staying with him. It's kind of his own fault- bad timing of him leaving the apartment every time you'd sleep making you wary of leaving him out of sight even to this day. He feels bad for it- but you're both working on that these days.
He doesn't want you to believe that he'd ever leave you alone.
"Is that foxy? Yes, she's right here!" He grins, leaning back a little to teasingly pull one of your ears into frame, showing that you're halfway laying on his lap. It makes some people upset in the chat, but most find it cute. "She doesn't sleep well alone, when I don't sleep she doesn't either." He explains to the fans watching. "Which is.. my fault, I kind of messed that up, but we're working on it." He nods, leaning back forwards to read the chat. "Calvin Klein? Huh?" He wonders why he reads the name of the brand in the chat considering he himself is wearing a simple white nike shirt- before he turns around, spotting you climbing over the back of the couch, seam of your pale purple underwear displaying the brand name. "Ah, yes! We got sent some stuff from their hybrid collection. Looks really pretty!" He smirks teasingly into the Chat, and he knows his management is probably holding their heads again in agony- so he can't help but make them mad just a little more, by reaching out behind him to smack your butt once, earning a squeak from your end and a wave of emojis in the chat.
They can't do much against his relationship or you, but that doesn't mean that they like it when he talks so easily and openly about it like this, or even dares to show public displays of affection towards you. He's not supposed to.
He does it anyways.
"Calvin Klein shooting when? Ah~!" He laughs, leaning back with arms crossed. "I'm not sure if I'd be happy with others seeing her in underwear." He jokes, though there's a hint of truth in it. He's painfully possessive over you- he doesn't like you even just playing around with the other members, for example, does everything for you before anyone else could offer. He doesn't like it when you're being taken care of by others, and he knows that's a bit childish. "But maybe normal clothes. Who knows. Maybe one day." He shrugs and reads the chat that asks him what you're doing- so he turns around to check on you in the kitchen-
Instantly jumping up over the back of the couch to run to you.
"Hey hey hey, no climbing that!" He scolds on his way, pulling you down from the counter before setting you down. "What did you want?" He asks, getting the bowl from the higher shelf for you before teasingly pulling your tail. "Don't do that again, yeah?" He shakes his head as he walks back to the couch, sitting in front of the camera again. "What happened? Ah, she couldn't reach something and climbed on the counter. But she could get hurt, so I don't like it." He explains. "Why? Ah, she doesn't do it usually!" He waves off. "She really doesn't. She's just having an episode these days, so she's a bit more trouble than normal." He says, trying to laugh it off- quickly changing topic.
He doesn't want anyone to really dwell on the fact that the most recent airport accident had sent you into an episode of all things.
Episodes in hybrids can vary in severity. Yours is a pretty serious one- it's been more than 24-hours since the airport incident, and yet you're still quiet, you're still regressing, and most of all- still terribly jumpy, as if you're right back to square one when he'd first brought you home, just ten times worse.
He'd been caught off guard this time. The same as security. No one saw it coming.
The airport had been crowded from the start, which had been normal. It's not unusual for him to draw in a large crowd- you never changed anything about that at the end of the day, if anything, you just increased it with many hybrids becoming fans of you, begging their owners to take them to the airports and other places where they could garner a glimpse of you. But this time, a crazed 'fan' had slipped through security, had grabbed after you- acrylic nails scratching hard on your arm, drawing blood and making you panic, as she yelled in a language he couldn't understand fully at you, hand raised to strike.
Jungkook had barely managed to pull you close, dash towards the car with security suddenly on highest alert, until you both had reached and entered the car.
He will never forget the sight of you, terrified, scrambling to crawl over the backseats, trying to get into the trunk area instead because in that moment, everyone had been an enemy in your eyes.
Him included.
It took him more than half an hour to get through to you, reassuring you enough with his strong hold and scent to push through the fog in your mind, and make you remember that he is safe. He's your person. He's to be trusted. And he's not mad at you for biting him in that moment whatsoever.
You'd thrown up the moment you'd entered the apartment due to the stress, before you shamefully hid in the furthest corner of the shower, cowering in panic, body trembling still.
Jungkook had wanted to cry so badly while the guilt crawled up his neck. Instead, he'd given you space, and had instead called a doctor to schedule an appointment asap for today, and one home visit later, you're all bandaged up and medicated to help your anxiety until you're able to think straight again.
He doesn't like that it has to be like that. But he understands that it's all that can be done to at least make your episode a bit more manageable and comfortable.
"Yeah, I'm gonna take some days off. I actually wanted to anyways, it's not just because of what happened, so don't worry." He reassures the fans concerned over your well-being- probably mostly because of the official statement from his company, which also announced his short hiatus from all activities, and a sharp increase in security measures moving forward. You simply crawl over his lap to lay down lazily, tail smacking around, your impatience the result of lack of attention. "Is she okay? Yeah, she has been prescribed some medication, she is okay." He offers, before he changes the topic again for a moment, until he can finally find a good opportunity to end the livestream.
The moment he does, he leans back, tension leaving his body as he watches you turn your head towards him. You've not said a word since the airport- and your gaze is hazy, not quite there.
He feels guilty just looking at you.
"I won't let that happen ever again." He promises, a hand on your head gently petting your ears. "I'll protect you more seriously." He mumbles, and you just watch him, happy to gain his attention even if you've got no idea what he's saying. Right now, you can't really comprehend anything- neither time, nor words, nor anything else.
You just exist, healing in silence it seems like.
And that's fine with him, as long as you'll be okay.
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You're biting on his curled up finger, while he laughs and wiggles your head around with it, no pain whatsoever in your bites.
You do that, occasionally, even when 'normal'. Though in that state, you typically recoil from your own actions, feeling bad for them even with his patient attempts at reassuring you that it's fine with him. But like this, still in your episode, you're a lot more open with what you're usually hiding when it comes to your natural hybrid behavior.
Love bites. That's what Jungkook calls them.
You bite his arm randomly when he stops paying attention to the movie you're supposed to watch together. You bite his neck whenever you cuddle, tangled up limbs and careful nips on his skin, well aware you shouldn't mark him up- even though he wouldn't complain. You bite after his hands when he tries to feed you stuff, though his reflexes tend to be better. And you bite at his clothes and pillows and toys- those you have a tight hold on though, testing his strength every single time.
He doesn't mind any of those things. He knew what you'd be like right from the start.
Your mind is slowly clearing up a bit, the second day into your episode- though it seems like you're still hiding away behind your hybrid behavior, taking your time to properly heal and collect yourself again before facing reality. And he's fine with that.
You can take as much time as you need and want.
He's brushing your hair for you while you sit on his lap, still tired form having just woken up. He can't really leave you alone like this- and you also still need to go to your regularly scheduled appointments to make sure you're recovering physically and mentally. Last checkup they've found some growing bruises near your hip, probably from the car door having accidentally swung into you in all the frenzy, and because you can't really tell anyone how you're feeling right now, everyone including Jungkook is being a little extra careful.
Though he can't say he doesn't enjoy moments like these, where he's truly got you all to himself.
He's opening a pack of wet wipes specifically for hybrid features, and you automatically move to lay your head in his lap as he cleans your ears for you- something back then, the shelter had told him to teach you to do yourself first things first since you hated having it done with a passion, but he's never had any problems with you. Sure, you can be a brat-
But you always have somewhat of a reason for lashing out if it happens, down the line. And he's learned to take a step back and look for that reason first and foremost, before judging or scolding you.
You wiggle around a little bit as he finishes up, putting everything away before he lets you go to lay down somewhere near the windows on a mattress he'd laid out. He chuckles as he walks back inside the living room, holding out your collar towards you, and his heart breaks a little when your ears clearly droop, probably still scared of leaving the apartment. "I know, but we have an appointment today that has to happen at the doctor's." He gently speaks, squatting down to where you're stubbornly rolling away from him, shielding your neck so he can't put your collar on. He clicks his tongue, carefully putting the collar down into his lap before he pulls your wrists away from your neck. "Baby please. I promise you, no one will ever hurt you again as long as I'm with you, okay?" He presses on, and at that, he can see your ears turn towards him, before you slowly give in to his hands pulling yours down.
He carefully places the simple velvet collar around your neck, both an Identification mark and a Yellow mark with the words 'Caution; Nervous' on it. He's received it from the doctor that checked up on you right after your episode had started- and he feels awful that you have to wear it like this.
But he'll do anything to make sure you're safe.
"…kook?" you ask, and he immediately perks up at hearing you speak again, arms open to let you crawl into his lap. "M' scared." You admit, and he nods.
"I know." He agrees, because he really does know that you're still fearful. It's only natural after what had happened. "But I'll do anything to keep you safe. You trust me?" He asks, and after a moment of thinking-
You nod into his chest, making him feel unbelievably proud of himself.
He won't let it go to waste.
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It's been a week, and Jungkook has to admit- he's never been happier that you're back to your old, chaotic self.
"You know you're in trouble." He states, holding up one of his sweaters-
The strings of the hood all chewed up, clearly because of you. You're just sitting on the floor on a random pillow, tail wagging, as if you're proud of your work. "People keep staring at you!" You complain, huffing in anger as you cross your arms. "You need my scent on you, so they know you're taken!" You say, and he sighs, shaking his head.
"It's not like I'm gonna wear this with those strings still in place anyways." He tells you, and you seem to become even more frustrated now. "In fact, I'm not really wearing anything top-wise in the most recent photoshoots-" He says, and suddenly, you get up, and dash past him, your shoulder hitting his body as you push towards your room- But he doesn't want you to just lock yourself in and 'sleep it off' like you always do. He wants you to explode into his face like this- he needs you to be honest for once. "No, you'll stay right here." He tells you, but you shake your head, trying to claw his hand from your arm.
"I don't want to!" You bark at him, now simply letting yourself drop down, hanging limp from his grip, and he just watches how you throw your little tantrum. "Let me go!" You hiss up at him, but he just takes in a deep breath, and continues to hold you.
"No." He denies. "And I can do this all day long, you know?" He shrugs, dragging you over the floor by your arm into the kitchen to get some water out the fridge.
And even as he can see your eyes start to tear up, he doesn't budge.
"You know, I'd really like to help you." He sighs, sitting down on the floor close to you. "I hate seeing you cry."
"Then let me go!" You try again, but he shakes his head.
"I won't." He denies once more. "I told you that's not how it works. Over and over again." He reminds you, his grip softening a bit. "I need you to talk to me, not just bottle things up and shove them into a corner inside your head." Jungkook complains, and you deflate at that.
"I don't like that.. no one takes me seriously." You say, and he tilts his head a bit in question. "People act like.. like I'm not even there." You say quietly, and he's unsure what you mean.
"What are you talking about baby?" He wonders, helping you sit on his lap, legs over his thighs wrapped around him just like your arms. "Many people love you. And by now, almost everyone knows you too." he reminds you, but you shake your head.
"They know me as your hybrid." You say, in a defeated manner. "But people don't see me as.. you know.. your mate." You complain into his shoulder, and at that he hums to himself, seeing the issue finally reveal itself.
"You're jealous?" He wonders, and you shrug.
"Sometimes." You admit. "When.. people how well this or that.. famous person fits you, you know." You finally say honestly. "And the worst is that they're often right. You do look nice with a pretty actress maybe, or-" You begin to rant, when a hand runs over your back, up and down.
"Mark me." He tells you, and you freeze.
"What?" You wonder, leaning away to properly look at him. But he just smiles, teasingly almost, and leans his head to the side a little.
"You heard me." He chuckles. "Wherever you want. Mark me up." He shrugs.
"But.. I'm not allowed." You shake your head, unsure if you understand him correctly. "I'm not supposed to."
"I do it all the time to you, don't I?" He asks, and you nod, a little shy now. "So? Only fair if you get to do it too. I'm sorry I didn't realize how.. that must've felt like to you, the fact that I always told you not to do it." He offers, a hand running over your tail.
"But they'll get angry at you-" You remind him, and he still denies it, instead leaning in to peck your lips once. You huff at that, even after the second, the third- but the fourth is when you melt, join in, and let yourself be swepped away by his love.
Jungkook knows best, you remind yourself. He knows what he can and can't do. He'll manage that.
You're mouthing at his neck on instinct, careful still- before you actually do end up biting and marking him, the evidence of this staying even the next day and the day after, causing his management to scold him numerous times- all of them Jungkook simply lets wash over him, not really taking it to heart.
He loves you, and therefore things like these are simply normal. They shouldn't be forbidden. He's not a child anymore.
And, at the end of the day, he doesn't need the fame, or money, or anything else.
He only needs you.
#bts imagine#bts fanfic#bts fic#jungkook imagine#hybrid imagine#jeon jungkook x reader#jeon jungkook imagine#bts jungkook#bts jungkook fanfic#bts jungkook imagine#bts jungkook x reader#bts x reader#bts jeon jungkook x reader#bts jeon jungkook imagine
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sweet → r. keating (b. skeetz)
pairing —robert keating x fem!reader social media au
summary —where your boyfriend loves annoying you online and people lose their minds
it's so sweet, knowing that you love me. though, we don't need to say it to each other
liked by evehewson, ryanmcmahon_15, and 20,917 others
bobbyskeetz some bassist twat. lake. an ispíní mor. a homeless woman and a cat. bláthana. and some very beautiful lads
yourusername the cat was cuter than you
bobbyskeetz who are you again?
yourusername your ex 🫶🫶
username my parents
yourusername guys don't be fooled by the hard guy act, he bought me the flowers 😁😁
bobbyskeetz i'm sorry but i can't support parasocial relationships. this has to stop.
username i need a relationship like theirs
username sorry mr skeetz but i want to marry that homeless woman
bobbyskeetz oh don't worry about it lad i'm gonna take one for the team. saving the general population and all that
ryanmcmahon_15 you're a very beautiful lad yourself
evehewson a very pretty homeless woman*
yourusername marry me.
liked by gracieabrams, lilamoss, and 1,106,723 others
yourusername dolce and gabbana. food. a smelly burglar. a tipsy gal. a bathtub of drunk gals. vogue. banger. bassist twat. delicious strawberry.
bobbyskeetz thanks for the breakdown, didn't know what i was looking at before
yourusername you are very slow 🫶
bobbyskeetz that bassist twat looks rather dashing
yourusername whatever you need to tell yourself girlie!
bobbyskeetz whoa who's that in the last slide
yourusername pretty sure you said she's a homeless woman?
bobbyskeetz .....a pretty one?
yourusername eve said it first 🥱
evehewson get in line xx
evehewson ur so cool and hip
yourusername ur so rad
maisiehpeters mother!!
username cornelia street supremacy
yourusername lover is such an overhated album
username REAL OMG
liked by lizzymcalpine, bellahadid, and 2,102,611 others
yourusername happy anniversary to the biggest bassist twat in the world, the bane of my existence, and the real reason that taylor swift wrote lover (she told me herself) glad it's you who kicks me off the bed every other night ❤️
username wait how long have they been together?
username 7 years
username WHAT.
devonleecarlson ur so perfect..... and he's there! jk, lots of love to u both ❤️❤️🫶🫶
bobbyskeetz jeez, props to me for hanging on this long
yourusername .......
bobbyskeetz love you ❤️
yourusername love you too 💞💞
yourusername omg he can be nice in public?! 😱😱😱
sirenlulls mother and father fr
whoetoshaw will never forget seeing them out of the gig last year
sirenlulls OMG WITH HER GIVING HIM THE FLOWERS I NEARLY FORGOT THAT WAS SO CUTE
whoetoshaw literally made me believe in love.
username she's a 10 but she calls you a bassist twat
bobbyskeetz still a 10 tbh
liked by graciebrns, shayrudolph, and 20,981 others
bobbyskeetz can't believe it's been 7 years and you're still too cool for me. 💔 happy anniversary to the most beautiful person i know. you're my favourite person to play bird bingo with, my forever hiking partner (no matter how much you might complain), the only person i ever want to boot off the bed in my sleep, my homeless woman. please never realise you could probably bag a model and just stick with your bassist twat instead ❤️
yourusername WHAT TJE FUCK
yourusername my post just seems like shit now
yourusername i actually hate you wtf
yourusername no i don't
yourusername you might be a bassist twat but trust you'll always be my favourite
bobbyskeetz nicest thing you've ever said to me
sirenlulls @whoetoshaw THE CAPTION?? GIRL THIS IS SOME FANFIC SHIT WTF
whoetoshaw babes im crying and it's not even for me what is going on 🥹🥹🥹🥹
username "MY homeless woman" "YOUR bassist twat" im actually going to jump in front of a train
username shutting up the bitches who says they're together for coult real fast
username no you don't understand you guys are so special to me
username they're my babies (they're 23 and im 16)
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🔪❄️
[ask meme]
Already answered Knife.
❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?
I know I've said this before, but I really would like someone who has actual experience being a parent and/or having a notably messy relationship with at least one parent to write a fic about Curufin returning to life in Fourth Age Aman and trying to reconcile with Celebrimbor, and then - before he's actually done doing that - Fëanor returns as well so Curufin also has to sort out how he feels and is reacting to that.
I'd like it to be written by someone with more real-life experience in this sort of emotional tangle than I have, because I just...don't have many strong opinions about parenting. Which this story would very much be about, though not exclusively. However, it WOULD need to follow exactly my headcanons for characterization, worldbuilding, and generally the moral dynamics of the cosmology, because god knows that will also come up.
Key characters and other components include:
Curufin has, over the millennia of being dead, resignedly come around to the "less evil would have been done in the breaking of it" position on the Oath. However, he's still very proud and fucking hates apologizing to anyone. He'll do it but he hates it.
He hates it much less when it's apologizing to Celebrimbor, almost not at all. Celebrimbor, however, is very reluctant to believe his father repents of anything except getting caught.
Yantalmandë, Celebrimbor's Vanyarin wife, who is ready to support him either by kicking any unwanted family firmly out the door or by sympathetically talking him through forgiving them, for his own sake if not theirs - whichever the situation requires. One of the most notable heretics in Aman for her theory that morality and ethics can and should exist entirely independently from the dictates of Eru and the Valar but rather be derived from the nature and experience of Arda. She's mildly embarrassed whenever people bring up her philosophical infamy.
(This is, in fact, somewhat the moral of the story: that when you make a living thing, you may raise and guide and advise them, but you fundamentally lose the right to dictate their choices. Children should be independent from their parents and both should be proud of this.)
Curufinwen, their daughter, at least 1,000 years old but vibes as mid-20s, who in family tradition holds her father to be probably the greatest and definitely her favorite person in the world, and who is distinctly more correct in this than the last 3 people in her eponymous lineage. Skeptical of her newly reincarnated family, but willing to give them a chance. Also, superb metallurgist/chemist/explosives expert.
Maltrinbor, Curufin's wife and Celebrimbor's mother, about as willing to forgive Curufin as Celebrimbor is but at a different angle. I still haven't decided whether I want her to be Noldorin (and died in the stormy sea-crossing, or in Dagor Bragollach after the slow eroding of her marriage?) or Teleri (and died at Alqualondë while trying to find her idiot husband and clearly-not-safe child, after walking away from them a decade ago?). Either way, she's a preeminent artist in glass and has been living near her parents near Aulë's mountain, focusing on craft all these millennia since her return, happy to be a mother but avoiding like spiders any royal politics (which Celebrimbor can never quite do.) SO disappointed in Curufin, for not being...better. In literally any way tbh. But especially for never stepping far enough out of his father's shadow to live up to his own potential.
Finrod in the role of frustratingly wise advice-giver, not least in the area of parenting because he's now had 7 children, and, when Curufin cracks and asks him for help, earnest confidant and supporter in this reconciliation. While also playing an extended game which he calls "social rehabilitation" and Curufin and Celegorm both call "publicly humiliating psychological torment." On top of everything else Curufin has to be grateful and/or apologetic to Finrod about, when Celebrimbor returned from Mandos, Finrod immediately took him under his wing and helped him fully recover from his trauma and comfortably re-settle into Valinorian society.
Veryawendë, Finrod's 4th daughter and Celebrimbor's best friend, artistic collaborator, and ally within the family. A superb jewel-smith and -sculptor who actually studied with Nerdanel in order to master form and sense of movement and life. Very ready to bodily kick unwanted parents or uncles out the door on his behalf.
Celegorm, Curufin's usual/former closest confidant, who is very sympathetic to Curufin's plight and of course he also wants to reconcile with his beloved nephew, but he's kind of focussed on reconciling with an entire Vala of the Hunt first so could you maybe stop ranting and help him, Curvo?
Nerdanel absolutely is involved in this, but I think she's trying - maybe by wrestling with herself - to stay out of it, and oblige her children and theirs to solve their own problems which they made.
And of course Fëanor, who comes out of Mandos regretting a great deal...but who is still too prideful to let himself be much diminished by this guilt, and so with all his vigor sets about trying to Fix What He Broke, which sometimes means the world's most undeniable earnest repentant apologies and sometimes means unthinkingly steamrolling everyone and everything in his path.
(Fëanor who never wanted his children to be consumed by his own fire - his own will, his own grief and rages - like kindling for the flame, but who probably didn't always communicate that in word or deed even before the Oath. Fëanor who, accustomed to Bonding Through Craft, tries to connect with his grandson by offering to teach him some techniques which have clearly been lost, and instead only sets off Celebrimbor's latent Annatar-related alarm bells. Fëanor who is overall struggling with many of the same things that Curufin is, and in most ways he's ahead [typical, natural, bitterly surprising] but in some ways he's behind [mind-boggling, earth-shaking, weirdly satisfying in an uncomfortably vengeful way.])
(Vs Curufin who is so angry at and so so so disappointed and betrayed by his father but who has never consciously, and rarely unconsciously, experienced those feelings in that direction before [while alive to remember it] and doesn't really know how to do so, much less how to express it [the answer is 'sobbing while shouting', at least at first]. He's pretty accustomed to feeling them toward himself, though, except he's also very accustomed to ignoring that and/or blaming other people for it and feeling like a victim instead. He never felt it toward his son, not truly; it was just easier for a few years toward the end to include Celebrimbor in the list of people he blamed - but only in his very darkest moments, and it always set off a vicious circle of feeling even worse.)
Oh yeah Finwë definitely needs to be involved in this whole tangle of generations of fatherhood as well. But I have no idea how he fits in, just that he's among the people who all need to be put into a giant hamster ball together and gently shaken until they're all a little healed.
Btw corrollary to the above "you have to be okay with your children doing things you neither plan nor approve of" is "you have to be okay with things you make being viewed and used in ways you neither planned nor approved of." It's not always your right (@Fëanor) and it's not always your responsibility (@Celebrimbor - he's mostly learned the lesson but it still hurts. The recent end of the Third Age brought back how it hurts).
Additional Supporting Cast:
Maedhros: running around playing catch-up on the 3D chess game of Noldorin and Eldarin politics and public perception. (Note: I'm ambivalent as to whether this fic has to take place in a Celechwes-inclusive timeline, but if it is, she gets pregnant shortly before Fëanor's return and that's very thematically relevant.)
Maglor: hasn't entirely recovered from 6,000 years of self-induced Song-filled isolation, has apparently sworn some sort of fealty to Earendil?? No help.
Caranthir: busy trailing after his wife like a repentant puppy until she decided to let him back into her heart. No help.
Ambarussa: one of them, probably Amrod, took up weaving while drifting between Mandos's Halls and Vairë's, and is continuing that apprenticeship while alive again, so they're spending a lot of time with the grandparents.
Mahtan, who is quite near the top of the list of people whom Curufin doesn't want to look in the eye.
The Silmaril which is right over there on the far edge of the continent, he can feel it sometimes...and that's okay. It's where it neds to be, it's in the care of a (distant) (barely counts) kinsman, and more important Maglor is keeping some sort of eye on it. So it's fine. There's nothing he can practically do anyway, not without restarting a war; and that's not an option anymore than charging Angband was.
Huan, best boy. Has also been looking after Celebrimbor since he returned to life, because he's the best uncle in this family.
A wide assortment of OCs, including people who died in Himlad, people who followed Curufin to Doriath and died there, people who followed him to Doriath and survived beyond that, people who stayed with Celebrimbor in Nargothrond, people who were in Eregion and died, people who were in Eregion and survived...
I really want the whole line of Curufinwës to make something together, like, the very first scene is Curufin approaching Celebrimbor not for the first time, but for like the third time and this time he's suggesting a long-term project of some sort, which would give them the opportunity to spend time together in an activity they both enjoy and (used to) both enjoy and are accustomed to doing together. Then that spans the whole story. Idk what it is, though - I do want them to make Maedhros a hand that shoots lasers like Iron Man's glove, but that's not what The Project should be.
CURUFIN HAS TO GET AN EPESSË IN THE END, ONE WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FËANOR WHATSOEVER.
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I don't follow or keep track of tiktok couples who got famous by making their relationship their job. Queer or straight couples, because I think that's a bad idea, but that's a whole seperate post (that we could relate to jikook as well if you want).
Oh please make one. I also think one of the major reason they became so private is to keep their relationship safe,not just from military or anything but just to keep it private and safe as possible. The reason nick and Pierre broke up was they started to feel like their relationship became more of a brand than an actual relationship. Like posting about your partner or private life once in a while is ok, especially if you are at two different places career wise, but making it your whole job and personality is definitely hard as gradually it will be just job and playing out characters for media than actual relationship.
Lowkey, saw this guy Chris from tiktok who said most of what I could say about it, he went through his own tiktok relationship public breakup too, it was awhile ago I believe. A relationship is between 2 people. You can share without giving it up for public consumption. You can share some stories and moments and your love without jeopardizing your privacy if you want to. And that's important.
Your intimacy as a couple together is meant for the 2 of you, not for people to invite themselves into. Tom Holland and Zendaya are a really good more recent example of a couple who does this. Jikook do not owe anyone confirmation of their relationship together (romantic or not) for it to exist. Their bond does not exist for our enjoyment. It's theirs. They can share without outting themselves. They can share without confirmation. They can not share without suddenly becoming enemies. They are real people, not characters in stories. Making your relationship what you base your content on or what you talk about all the time, makes things more fictional (for lack of a better word, it's not quite what I mean, but hopefully yall understand) at times because you don't just get to experience things, you have to turn them into a story for your audience too. And there is pressure to give the audience what they want. No one is owed anything here. From anyone online or from BTS or from Jikook. Everyone's relationships are their own.
I don't want Jikook to come out or confirm their relationship or anything. I want them to stay safe. I want them to only ever come out if and when they feel safe to do so. And if that's never, that's fine by me. I'd love it for the representation given on such a global scale, but I'd hate it because I worry about their safety enough ALREADY. Lol
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Okay I personally don’t love the ‘trope’? Or headcanon maybe? I don’t think it’s either of those things it’s just a thing. Again, this is completely my opinion and every one is entitled to theirs and everyone’s allowed to just have fun and do whatever they want because it’s seriously harmless, I always want to preface by saying that because the way I feel doesn’t mean the way others feel is wrong or anything. It’s just my thought process.
anyways sometimes I don’t love the treatment of Mike in comparison to Will. I don’t really enjoy when all the characters gang up on Mike, sometimes it happens in fics. Which again TOTALLY COOL there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that I still read. I think it’s more of us being so used to saying or hearing that Will deserves better, or that no one understands why Will would pick Mike or it’s always Mike just being less important or an ass while everyone cradles Will and his feelings.
Again, there’s nothing wrong with making stories like that or joking about it or anything this isn’t me saying that people who do that are dumb or ‘don’t know the characters’ because we’re all just here having fun and none of it is serious. Really, I just love talking about Mike and I think we need to do it more often especially since we’re waiting for season 5.
Mike isn’t less important than Will and Will doesn’t ‘deserve better’ or ‘can do better’. We said that so much after vol. 2 that it definitely ingrained itself into our heads and into the fandom which is understandable. But, I’ve said this before, Mike and Will are equals. The thing that makes them so interesting as a pairing is that they handle their problems without, usually, anyone knowing or outside input. They’re very much together in things and the same level, ya know? I’m not saying this great, but Mike isn’t some dick at all and he deserves as much attention and love as any other character.
He gets a lot of weight but on his shoulders and I think that perfectly represents his character. The expectations for him are much higher than the ones for El or Will or Max or really anyone (other than Nancy because people can’t handle a flawed woman) Mike just got lied to for a whole season straight. He messed up on one day throughout the entire season. Then he tried to fix it, he tried with El, he actually did apologize and fix his relationship with Will. That’s what’s confusing to me sometimes, Mike said the monologue and it was a mess, but he also wouldn’t have said shit if Will didn’t literally force him to. He pulled shit out his ass like any other kid in that situation would. And I think that’s what the writing represents is that Mike is saying stuff you’d hear in any cheesy rom com. But again, wouldn’t have happened if Will didn’t push him.
He really didn’t do anything wrong. Other than the first day in California, Mike was just being Mike but in more of a side character kind of way. El lied to him and then it was displayed to us as it being Mike’s fault. Mike gave Will a pretty great apology that I would die to get from anyone I cared about.
Idk maybe it just rubs me the wrong way because it’s kinda sad. Again, this is absolutely no hate to anyone who likes the trope or to write those stories I completely support you and the way you enjoy this fandom. This is just a personal opinion.
Anyways circling back to Will and Mike here. Their relationship is very mature they don’t have other people butting into it and giving their opinions because I think it would piss both of them off. These two have been friends since they were five and I think if Will heard anyone acting like he was a delicate Angel and Mike didn’t deserve him he’d be pissed off. Mike deserves love and respect, a shit ton of respect actually, just like any other character. Idk the character isn’t real so it really doesn’t matter at all and it’s all for fun of course, but Mike is just as important as Will and El. He’s a complete sweetheart that’s just trying his best.
Especially season 4. He acted out of wack and like a dick that one day and then basically never did again. His character is so interesting, but I love him and I personally believe he’s the best Will could ever do because it’s Mike and he’s not some unimportant character that deserves to be constantly under minded and treated like the villian.
Again this is all just my opinion and is absolutely no hate to fic writers who like this kind of story or anything like that at all, everyone can do whatever they want and I will never ever act like it’s dumb or something you shouldn’t do cause it really doesn’t matter and I support the drama it brings lmao. I just love talking about Mike Wheeler and I think since we all have a lot of downtime before season 5 it’ll be a good thing to do because we don’t explore him as much.
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I can't wrap my mind around a gay conservative. It's like the homosexual who clings onto religion, the same one condemning them. Are you aware of the slippery slope argument, the one where they think that everything deteriorated once gay marriage was legal? And those who'd compare you to a pedophile? To most of them, you're sub-human, a lost soul headed to hell, a disgrace to nature, so why identify with an ideology that has people like that? Get out while you still can, man. You won't regret.
It's painfully obvious you've never spoken to a real conservative outside of YouTube comments. Every single one I've interacted with, in real life or online, aside from maybe two anon trolls over the years who might not have been leftists larping as conservatives in my inbox, have either not given a single shit about my sexuality, or were happy to see a gay person who wasn't an insane leftist.
Honestly, I can't wrap my mind around any gay who supports the left. They've shown a million times over the years that they don't give a shit about you beyond what you give them. The moment you don't support a single left wing talking point out come the slurs and the hate and the doxxing and the banishment from the "community". They pursue policies that destroy everyone who isn't super rich or super poor, they violate your actual rights every day, they treat you like children who are incapable of making a single decision on your own. I could not care less what the people who are helping me fight against all of that think about marriage. I could not care less what people who are fighting to keep me armed and free think about my sexuality and my personal relationships which are, frankly, none of their business, just like theirs are none of mine. Even if they all hated me for being gay, they're still fighting with me, which is more than I can ever say for the left or the fake ass "gay community".
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Replies
A couple replies related to the anti question from yesterday, but then yay, a couple of replies about Idia! <3
mysaldate asked:
Related to the anti question: The localization is also to blame for so many younger people and antis swarming the twst circles. The JP game is marketted as joseimuke and the target group are specifically adult women. The localization, after dumbing everything down and making characters speak like the cringiest side of Tiktok, decided 3+ is a good enough age rating and then changed it to 13+ or wherever it is right now after getting mocked relentlessly for thinking 3+ was a good idea. 13+ is still far too young and it sadly leads to a lot of younger and more immature people being in the fandom.
Oh my god, fucking 3+… And 13+ isn’t much better. The entire rating system is kind of weird when you think about it: simply because there isn’t any nudity or sexual themes or gore, it doesn’t mean that the game is perfectly fit for 13 year olds. But this is its own whole can of worms that I’m not touching with a 5 feet pole…
But yeah, unfortunately immaturity really is a big issue :(
Anonymous asked:
I remember seeing a callout post that mentioned grooming and I was like, “oh no!” Until I read that the person in question never groomed anyone, rather, the poster was claiming that a drawing of theirs had grooming. Wow, thanks for wasting my time calling this out, Jerk. Yeah, I’m still salty about this.
THIS IS SUCH A BIG ISSUE AAAH because they always use those words to grab your attention, but then out of 10 callout posts about groomers you’ll have 5 posts about someone drawing a problematic ship, 3 posts about someone just talking to someone once, 1 post that is just a straight-up lie and maybe 1 post about an actual predator that people should either block or report. Not only it clogs the report system with irrelevant stuff and distracts from real and very serious cases, it completely desensitises people to the point when their first thought when they see a callout post is “I’m not even going to waste my time reading this, I’m 95% sure this is bs”.
I am very tired of it, so I understand, Anon.
Alright, now let’s have a complete tonal shift and about our favourite hikki boy.
Anonymous asked:
What does Idia find attractive in a person? Like, what qualities, whether appearance or personality-wise would draw him to them? What would be the ultimate dealbreaker or what would be something that would lead to a big “NOPE” from him?
Good question, Anon~
Thank god Idia gives us food to think about these things with his crush on his online buddy lol I’m going to base my thoughts on their interactions.
First and foremost, for someone who isn’t very social, Idia really loves it when he can share his interests with someone. I say it every time, but quality time is one of the most important things for Idia, so if a person listened to a song he’d sent or if he is fun to play with, it’s going to win a lot of points for Idia. And Idia probably senses fakeness in this type of stuff, so he needs someone who is going to be genuinely invested in a game; just like Lilia, Azul or Ortho are.
He also loves determined, strong-willed people who take things into their own hands. Idia is kind of passive and hates being someone who initiates things, so his perfect partner would have to do the heavy lifting when it comes to this side of their relationship. He would have to “feel Idia’s vibes” and know when to push and when to leave him alone. Idia is (probably unintentionally) drawn to people who push him a liiiitlle bit out of his comfort zone, but he gets super defensive when someone oversteps his boundaries. He even complimented Crimson Muscle for always keeping a perfect distance and yet being very involved and friendly with him. In short, his perfect partner would have to make things easy for him emotionally lol
I don’t know about appearance, but I feel like Idia is kind of drawn to tall and mature men that are on the bigger side, he is kind of into this whole fantasy of Crimson Muscle being older than him, which is super ironic considering that at least 3 of his potential lovers are significantly smaller than him (Ortho, Lilia, Azul), and two of them are also younger than him. Not sure of Idia has a thing for this type, it’s probably just a funny coincidence, but it could be a bone in Idia’s body that gets pleasantly tickled because of the fact that he’s being topped by someone as tiny and adorable as they are. Well, not sure if he considers Azul tiny or adorable, but he certainly thinks that he has a pretty face.
Body-wise, the Tweels are probably the closest to what Idia would envision if he was cringe enough to fantasize about having sex with someone which he absolutely doesn’t do because that would be too pathetic and typical for a shut-in otaku loser like him ha ha ha ha ha. Seriously though, he probably doesn’t think about these things, also because he’s never thought that he would be a bottom in a sexual scenario, but if we forced Idia to pick the most attractive body out of all of these people, there is a chance that he would have picked the Tweels.
As for the big NOPEs…. The majority of people are big NOPEs for Idia lol
Ironically, the Tweels are a HUUUGE NOPE because they’re scary. Idia actively avoids them because he knows they are up to no good, and he would never consider any type of relationship with them.
He always complains about extraverts, but they would balance him out surprisingly well. But still, in theory this is a big no-no, in particular because they always have a lot of friends and the thought itself makes Idia feels a bit jealous and lonely. Plus, he considers them obnoxious lol Even though Ortho is an extravert.
He also doesn’t like nosy people who criticise him and don’t understand his hobbies and life philosophies. Azul nags on him, but he is surprisingly good at giving him his space, maybe because he knows that this is just how Idia operates and there is nothing he can do about it.
Idia also hates sporty people, active people, reckless people, people with a stick up their butts… He has a lot of opinions about every single NRC student and why they would be horrible to date lol
Anonymous asked:
Does Idia have to have a connection with someone to sleep with them? Is he open to one-night-stands, granted he wouldn’t be the one to instigate them I’m guessing. Does he like foreplay? What’s a sure way to get him in the mood? Sorry for all the questions! 😓
No worries, Anon, I like talking about Idia a lot as you might’ve noticed lol
It’s probably ironic considering just how many people we ship him with, but I feel like Idia doesn’t even consider having sex as something that might at some point happen to him. His mindset is “I’m a lonely otaku shut-in and I don’t want to be around people, but it’s okay if I stay a virgin because sex is overrated”. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to have sex, he just doesn’t think that it’s an option and he is okay with it… One-night-stand just sounds isn’t as stressful as building a relationship with someone, but it’s still stressful af and very cringy, so he wouldn’t do it “unless he’s 50 and desperate”. But who knows, maybe his circumstances change…
To answer your first question, yes, on paper, he has to be very close to a person to even think about these things. But that’s on paper, in actuality (and this is the scenario for our art and posts a lot of times) sex could just happen to him suddenly because the tension got too strong and; and then Idia would suddenly feel himself overflowing with his suppressed urges. “I have to have a super strong connection with someone to sleep with them” and “I will probably never have sex” are irrelevant when Idia is being touched and feels every single sensation and feeling at once. Out of all of the guys we ship him with, I feel like the only one he would think about having sex with prior to that happening is Lilia (his online self of course), but even then this thought is just cringy delusional cope in Idia’s own opinion.
With foreplay, it’s kinda tricky. I think Idia is someone who would prefer to get it over with, to have sex already, to hurry his lover up, because foreplay feels too overwhelming and embarrassing. But his body craves much more attention that Idia is ready to let anyone give to it, so he would probably enjoy being petted, kissed, even edged, and his own embarrassment always dances on a fine line between ruining Idia’s mood because of the anxiety of it all and making him much hornier because embarrassment is arousing.
As for getting him in the mood, he is way too sensitive and his body is way too responsive, so a lot of times just grabbing and touching him works wonderfully… except when he is very busy gaming, because nothing can stand between him and his game. He’ll push anyone away if he’s busy with his online tournament… well okay, anyone other than Ortho or Lilia lol
Idia also responds to hentai tropes because he is always shocked when he experiences them irl, and ironically Ortho, Lilia, Azul, the Tweels – all of them would trigger that reaction intentionally or not. Especially Azul with his tentacles…
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Dear Hozier
I did the thing I threatened to and wrote a "Dear Hozier" (inspired by this podcast)
Dear Hozier,
When I listen to music I rarely give it my whole attention, a fact that might not make you too happy, as a musician and a songwriter. I listen while I’m cooking, or walking, or exercising, or driving. Among other things, the way I listen means I rarely process the lyrics of a song linearly from first notes and words to the last. This is even more true in recent years, when I very rarely have a physical copy of an album and therefore never pore over the liner notes. Often, I never really process the lyrics of a song at all, or I process snatches of it, often based on misheard lyrics that I don’t correct myself on for a hundred listens, if I correct myself at all.
But sometimes a section of the words catches my attention after dozens of listens and I actually read the whole of the words.
The lyrics that caught me in “First Time” were:
The first time that you kissed me I drank dry the river Lethe
The Liffy would have been softer on my stomach all the same
The first line sung with such soul, and the second: what is that? You’re not saying “Lethe” again. So I looked up the lyrics.
The Liffy, the river that runs through Dublin, muddy and polluted and inadvisable to drink from directly. Funny that I should recognize the name of a mythical river, the one that allegedly runs through the underworld and makes you forget, but not the name of a real river that runs through a real place, as far away as it is.
The song starts:
Remember once I told you about
How before I heard it from your mouth
My name would always hit my ears as such an awful sound?
Is that really how you feel about your name? The fact that you chose part of your last name as your stage name rather than your given name doesn’t feel like a coincidence. I have the luxury of feeling comfortable with my own given name, but my partner is in the process of changing theirs. I had the sense, even years ago when we first met, that the old name wasn’t quite right for them, but I became accustomed to it through use, and the new name doesn’t yet feel quite right either.
But you spoke some quick new music
(When I sing along the rhythm of this line sounds so different on my tongue than it does on yours. I’m from the Southeast United States, and have lived here most of my life, but so often you feel like you came from somewhere very near me and not from across an ocean. Perhaps via some sympathetic magic of blood or perhaps through the fact that you and I seem to have a similar relationship to religion, no longer believing in something that nonetheless left deep imprints on our psyche. but mostly, I think, you feel familiar via the soul musicians you were influenced by, some of whom tread dirt that I have trod. Yet sometimes I am reminded that you came from somewhere else, like in the way you pronounce “suffering” in this song, that “u” so Irish. “Suffering.”)
Even if I like my own name, I know the aberrant feeling of being called something that is subtly wrong. The chorus speaks, again and again, of someone calling you “baby,” something that I’ve always hated to be called by a romantic partner. I am not, in any sense, a child, or your child. Yet, I have allowed a couple of people to call me that, even after I asked them not to, because in the moment, as you say in the bridge…
Whatever keeps you around, it keeps you around
And in the second half of the first verse:
And the soul, if that's what you'd call it
Uneasy ally of the body, it felt nameless as a river
Undiscovered underground
Beyond the bad feeling of being called something you don’t want to be called is the stress of being called something you do want to be called. Not just your own name, but terms of endearment, pronouns, to be called mother, brother, or daughter, to be called a practitioner of your profession or even of your hobby. It all puts you in one box or another. It all creates expectations for you to fulfill. Do you ever want to be unseen, unspoken of? To not have to be anything? But of course such would mean death without ever really being alive.
The alternative is to be the flowers of second verse:
These days I think I owe my life
To flowers that were left here by my mother
Ain’t that like them, giftin’ life to you again
(The flowers, or your mother, Hozier? I imagine going through some awful breakup and the one bright point in your living space being that sort of small gift, falling back on your childhood and your blood relations when your chosen, adult relationships fail. I write this a couple of days after a mothers’ day when I didn’t get my own mother a gift, not flowers or anything else. I buy gifts I think the receiver might like when I happen across them but dislike desperately reaching for a bad gift for the sake of a hallmark holiday in the absence of any inspiration. I hope she understands this. I hope my regards are enough.)
This life lived mostly underground
Unknowin either sight nor sound
Till reachin’ up for sunlight just to be ripped out by the stem
Sensing only now it’s dyin’
Drying out, then drowning blindly
Bloomin’ forth its every colour
In the moments it has left
To share the space with simple living things
Infinitely suffering, but fighting off like all creation
The absence of itself
And before the chorus begins again, an almost offhand: anyway.
I can’t decide whether to call you a coward for that “anyway.” It feels a little too self-conscious, like, “yeah, yeah, I know. That was a lot, even for me, it’s just flowers in a vase.”
It is a lot, But Unreal Unearth is about the underworld, not just the journey through hell of the Inferno, but in dead and dying things being the soil of new life. Funeral flowers are one of humanities’ oldest rituals. There have been remains of cut flowers found with the remains of neanderthals. Which feels very beautiful and romantic, until you realize: it’s the smell. The flowers are there to mask the smell. Maybe it still feels beautiful and romantic. Maybe you’re taking a small life, the pretty corpse of a dying thing, to go with your loved one, to the grave and whatever lies beyond. That it’s a morbid gift doesn’t mean that it’s not a pretty one.
Anyway.
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"How I wanted to be a writer my entire life until Glee fandom literally just crushed it right out of me" OK except you were one of the most popular writers in Glee ficdom so how did that 'crush' anything? I'm sorry if this seems rude but your tweet seems rude when so many of us supported you and your writing.
oh god ok. first off, i am very sorry if the tweet caused any offense - that was certainly not my intention at all. but i need you to understand that the situation at the end of my time as neaf in Glee fandom was an iceberg; you only saw the very top peak, and there was a veritable fuckload of traumatic shit going on underneath.
let me explain properly, at last, why i left
let me say first and foremost that i am still overwhelmingly grateful for the support and kindness that thousands of people in Glee fandom showed me. for the response to my writing, the support for the blog itself, and for the wonderful interactions on this site day in and day out that made those some of the best days of my life
that said, when you have a blog like that, one that grows rapidly in popularity, you do get - as I did - an array of responses that vary from unsettling (people wanting your advice, people coming to you for help), to upsetting (people despising you for your undeserved popularity), to downright frightening (people trying to find your real name and home address, people building shrines to you, and no i'm not joking on that last one)
the main reason i started the blog was to get my writing out there, that's why the blog began, but it became such a huge part of my life due to the popularity of it that i spent the vast majority of my days on it answering messages and interacting with everyone. my entire world became the blog, and it had a deeply negative impact on my real life relationships - which was one reason why i left
another big reason why was the volume of asks i would get about people's trauma, none of them with any warnings, or asks begging me for help or exposure. they were ceaseless, and exhausting, and after years of it i was struggling to cope
and then there was the drama, or the rest of the iceberg, so to speak - the real, main reason i left
essentially, in the early days of the blog i was happily oblivious to a growing discontent with my presence in fandom. other writers and big names (BNFs or 'big name fans' i believe was the term, oof) in the fandom had slowly become angry that i was getting so much undeserved attention for my blog and my fics, and while i still to this day don't know why they hated me so damn much, that hate was very real and it grew rapidly. vagueposting began about me being full of myself, about how little i deserved what i was getting, about how unfair it was that people liked my work when my writing was so bad. eventually, my attention was brought to it by a friend who was also a friend of theirs, and i remember that night so well - the night i discovered how deeply these people who didn't even know me absolutely loathed me, and how many of them there were
after a lot of crying and weighing options, i decided to ignore it, and leave them be. our spheres rarely crossed anyway, why engage and potentially make it worse? but ignoring it didn't help, as with all hate it begged for attention, and it continued to spread to places where it became far more visible - like my ask box
then the stories started.
on anonymous Glee hate-gossip groups on livejournal and dreamwidth, they went in and made up tales about things i'd never actually done - the nastier details of which i will leave out, but suffice it to say i was painted as a self-serving, self-obsessed bitch who used her followers to ostracize other writers, and far worse. i was suddenly Cassandra Claire 2.0., but in my case, it was as horrifying as it was fictional, and it left me helpless to defend myself without giving it more attention despite the fact that i could prove none of it was true
i felt broken at that point already, but then came the doxxing, and the fallout
during my time on the blog i'd made quite a few close friends with other very popular bloggers, some of whom were adored by fandom and some of whom were... well, very much not. but they were my friends and i stuck by them, even when they did things i didn't necessarily agree with
now, a very dear friend of mine who wasn't a huge 'bnf' had written a fic based around a fairly uncommon AU that had barely been done before in the fandom. it was a wonderful fic, and wasn't getting the attention it deserved (in my opinion), but i reblogged it whenever i could to draw attention to it. not long after it became popular, another close friend - one with a bigger blog and a vast array of followers - decided to write a very similar story right down to the AU type. when i mentioned in passing that it was very similar to the first fic that was going around and did they intend that, they got very angry with me, yelled at me for insinuating that they were copying someone else, and the friendship quickly imploded after that in a messy, ugly kind of way, taking other friends out with it
when i say it got ugly, i mean that this person was the kind of person vagueblogging and vindictiveness was invented for. i also learned the hard way thought the fallout that this 'friend' was actually one of the people who had been going and posting things about me that weren't true, just to drum up hatred for the neaf blog and to knock me down a peg
then, out of nowhere, someone started leaving my real name in my inbox. i was horrified and frightened, and used an old trick to try and track the IP address of the anonymous sender. it turned out to be, once again, that friend's location
in the wake of all of that, feeling absolutely gutted and betrayed by one of my closest friends, feeling overwhelmed by begging strangers, and spending too much time on the gleeme dreamwidth reading about what a disgusting and worthless person i was and how my writing was such a joke -- i fell to pieces, and stopped functioning for a few days
finally, after i got myself back together, i realised what i had to do. ending my time in the Glee fandom was largely done for my mental health - but the biggest step in that was stopping writing altogether. even now, the idea of writing makes me sick to my stomach. i will never regret the fics i wrote, i know how much joy they did bring to a lot of people, and i will forever be grateful for those who read them and continue to read them on ao3. there are people across the world with my words tattooed on their bodies, in my handwriting. there are people all over who still remember me fondly, and that brings me a great deal of peace and comfort
but i cannot forget the hate, or the cruelty, that these people flung at a complete stranger on the internet just because it was fun for them to do so. when i say my writing was crushed out of me, it has nothing to do with my gratitude, please believe that. it's just that it literally was.
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the shitfucked way that i make character playlists
if i am to share any of them in a way that actually matters then this is required. i do not know how long this post will be but if i do my job then it shouldn't turn out absolutely unconscionable.
Update: It turned out less long than I anticipated. Is it understandable? Well, I can never tell whether people understand what I'm on about. Give it a skim if you like and feel free to report back.
I'll start with the basics, the traits shared across all my focused character playlists. I specify "focused" because I do still sometimes throw 50 or 100+ songs into a pot and then put a character name on it, but that's different to what I'm describing now.
All focused playlists contain exactly 8 songs.
The song order somewhat reflects both character progression and an outward perception of the character, as in, the lower down you get, the less obvious the traits would be to the people around the character.
With varying but deliberate order, each playlist touches on four facets of each character, with two songs for each.
The four facets in question are their interactions with the abstract, their interactions with the real world, their general emotions and values, and their logic and objectivity.
Each of those facets gets one "establishing" song in the first half of the playlist to set the precedent for that character and then a "response" song in the second half.
The placements of the establishing and response song correlate to each other; the fifth song responds to the first, the sixth to the second, the seventh to the third, and the eighth to the fourth.
The response song might contradict the establishing song in cases of internal conflict, or it might simply explore the facet further. It might reinforce specific parts of this facet or reveal hitherto unknown, often surprising or unhealthy manifestations of the traits in the establishing song. Sometimes the two songs have lines that directly parallel or foil each other. Bottom line is that it has to have some sort of interaction with the establishing song, at least in a way that I can understand.
Here is the playlist for my character Miranda Hilton, quickly edited so you know which songs respond to which, and which of the four facets they represent. The order of the facets depends on the character and isn't static, so they won't always be in this exact order.
The specific placement of each song also has meaning, as I mentioned above, so I will explain in more detail now.
Song 1 - The character's baseline. The most obvious traits of theirs you would recognize during their introduction or a meeting with them in real life. Where the character is comfortable.
Song 2 - Works in tandem with song 1. Establishes a different set of important traits that often augment those in song 1. Often less positive than song 1.
Song 3 - Sometimes a bit of a response to song 2. The first area of discomfort for the character. Often representative of something they regularly struggle with but not a major source of problems. More like background radiation.
Song 4 - Sometimes a bit of a response to song 1. Sort of a coin-flip of song 1. Exposits that which the character represses or the facet they struggle with the most.
Song 5 - Responds to song 1. Often challenges song 1 and relates to negative behavior that arises when the comfort of song 1 is no longer habitable.
Song 6 - Responds to song 2. This is often something the character hates about themself, whether it's an extension of song 2 or a challenge to it. If you're looking for a more cynical side of a character then you'll usually find it here. A good way to think about song 6 is, what would their theme song be if they were a villain?
Song 7 - Responds to song 3. Often a source of chaos or confusion in the character's life. Usually the weak point with the highest likelihood of breaking interpersonal relationships.
Song 8 - Responds to song 4. Not always overtly negative but always representative of something the character doesn't quite know how to reckon with. Song 8 can be surprisingly chill in contrast with the other response songs because it tends to be more of a reassurance or acknowledgement than a challenge because it usually doesn't represent something that needs to be tackled, it's just something that needs to be recognized.
Crucially, this all hinges on my understanding of the songs and how they relate to the character and the facet and the songs they're responding to, and I have no idea how opaque my thinking process is. The example above is just to help you have an idea of what the playlists look like and how I perceive them, not to explain why the songs are there. You can ask me about that if you want.
Anyway. That's the shitfucked way I make character playlists.
#levi rambles#the best part about writing this whole post is that i just finished it and i still don't know if i want to share any of the playlists#so this post might not even be necessary at all but you know what. i like explaining overly complicated stuff
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Ok. I have already done one rant post about Nancy but I need to do another to talk about Nancy and Steve vs. Nancy and Jonathon. Just a warning I am very anti-Steve and Nancy. This also isn't about what I think will happen on the show cause I honestly don't know. But I have MANY opinions about everything. If they put Steve and Nancy together I will be so pissed. In season one Nancy and Steve are together because he helped her branch out and he was her classic high school relationship. She did things she hadn't done before. They were fun and made her feel like a normal teenager. But then she was forced to work with Jonathon. He was understanding. He saw who she really was. And then after season one Nancy waited for Jonathon but got scared and retreated back to Steve yet again. And then in season two when Jonathon and Nancy worked together and Murry give a his whole speech about them. At that point they realized that Nancy was scared of going against what's normal and Jonathon was scared she would leave. And they decided to break against that and be together. In season three they were being to not understand each other. They were going through their first fight of theirs. They couldn't understand that the other couldn't understand them. It made them question the bases of their relationship. But by the end they were able to understand each other. It was a pretty normal relationship fight. And then Jonathon moved. That distance to made the old fears come back. They both felt misunderstood again. Jonathon couldn't trust that he was good enough for her or that she wouldn't leave. He couldn't trust that his family would be ok without him. And Nancy lost the understanding and wanted normalcy again. And guess who was there to give it to her. Steve. It reminder her of a time before the upside down. And it also reminds her of her “nuclear family”. And though she says she hates it, it will always be comfortable for her. But that isn't her. But she wants to retreat. And Steve has grown. Don't get me wrong. He is sweet and good at taking care of people. And to Nancy that is nice. But she doesn't need to be taken care of. She has made that clear. But once again it's comfortable for her because she was taken care of from a young age. And Steve is a great guy. He has grown up and is sweet and loving. But Nancy didn't break up with Steve because he wasn't nice. She did it cause she didn't love him. She was only with him in the first place because of that sense of normally he gave her. Jonathon was with Nancy cause he learned to trust someone with her. He trusted that she would be there. Nancy and Jonathon work because they understand and need each other. They were each others escape from everything. They built up this relationship to be what it was. And for the people that say the build up was better than the actual relationship, you are right. It's realistic one cause that's how it usually is and two, season three happened on their first real fight. We didn't see everything else. And if that is the worst fight they had it isn't that bad. And let's not forget the last moment they had in season three in Jonathon's bedroom. (I just love that scene) And as Murry said they have “the real shit. Shared trauma.”
#nancy wheeler#jonathan byers#steve harrington#stranger things#stranger things 4#nancy and steve#nancy and jonathan#murry bauman
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i need to talk to myself about my fics. Do not read this if you don't want to be spoiled for any of my series. i may make this private, but for now i don't mind sharing. i need to get out of my head and the prospect of others reading/commenting helps me do that. (not that i actually expect a comment lol).
few things in the world are more boring than listening to me ramble about writing.
writing scars and stitches is giving me a lot of anxiety lately. it feels like i have a dreaded graduate school paper due on a novel I hated. but i don't hate the story. i love it, i love the way i've written the characters, developed them, developed their relationships. i like the freedom in exploring facets of all of them. i love how they all react differently to the same set of circumstances. i like the changes to canon i've made because they just feel more real to me.
the overarching issue is my perfectionism, which thankfully is not nearly as bad as it used to be. but my perfectionism usually makes me give up. I don't want to give up.
that's the overarching problem, the specific problem is that, mechanically, i want the story to do too much at this point. I want it to be everything, but no single story can do that.
one cause behind this urge is that since the relationship is established and going well, there has to be other sources of tension/conflict. for two weeks i tried to write tension into the relationship (daryl being too protective and distant mostly), but those chapters always felt wrong. they made my story so heavy, when i want it to be light. i want reader and daryl's relationship to certain and solid, something they both can depend on no matter what.
still, reader needs some growing pains. this is all in service to get her closer to Rick, because I need that friendship solid before the prison. I want reader and Rick to be as close as he and Daryl are in the show. (Rick and Daryl will still be close, only now reader will be included). When it comes time for the Woodbury arc, Reader will basically be Rick's diplomat/negotiator, while Daryl is his right-hand man. Basically Rick's the heart, Reader's the brains, Daryl's the hands.
So I need reader to be in a place where she is okay with Rick killing Shane and with Rick taking complete charge of the group. I need her to support him when the others don't. Daryl will too, but my focus is on reader. I am working toward that even now, but I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope. Post-farm, it'll hopefully be back to fluff and friendship building in the social way.
I need to give myself the same patience I would afford anyone else. I definitely need deadlines; I'd flounder without them. And I need to write everyday for the routine of it. I suppose I need to accept that I will feel anxious for a while. I've never written anything as emotionally mature as this story, so it's only natural that it's challenging.
Reminder to self: when in doubt, write the dialogue. Dialogue comes easiest to me, and it will let me gain confidence before I work on the harder stuff.
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i feel very happy with the omegaverse fic so far. i have some major plot points, and i want to totally avoid repeating myself, so most show events won't happen on the page.
I thought of making Jesus transmasc, but I'm too worried I won't get the physical details right. So cis man he will be.
I have this metanarrative going on about two packs becoming one, the Dixon pack + the Grimes pack, and Reader holding them together. Jesus could be part of that glue, too, especially if he really cares about merle. I'm thinking of theirs as an open relationship, fully committed to each other, but still having sex with other people. It'd be really fun to play with his character being in the quarry group from the start.
i also had the idea of reader running into rick at a convenience store, pre-apocalypse, and have them physically drawn to each other, but of course neither would act upon it. later i see Reader ignoring any attraction to him, but Rick struggling whenever they're in heat and trying to avoid them during that time. The idea of reader having two mates would not occur to any of them at first.
still, i don't want to make any unshakeable plans for that story. it's very much going to be making it up as I (we--if people keep making suggestions) go. and that is such a counter to what s&s is. I think i need that freedom.
----
actually making these stories has taken them out of my bedtime comfort stories, so i have to find another one up and refuse to write a word about it.
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1-123
Age: 29
Sexuality: Straight as a very straight thing
Pronouns: Let's see... I, me, my, mine, you, your, yours, he, him, his, and we, our, ours, they, them, theirs if I'm with other people.
Are you in school?: Not for a long time.
Nationality: Australian with English heritage
Sun sign: Aries
Rising sign: Capricorn
Moon sign: Leo
Myers briggs type: ISJE
Do you have siblings?: Two half siblings who are much older than me.
Hogwarts house: Pukwudgie
Godly parent: My parents, not being religious, did not give me a godparent
Dream job: Very cool and sexy lab scientist
If you could live anywhere, where would you live?: I like living close to my friends, that's what is most important to me in life. Since I can't be in multiple places at once, Australia is good enough for that purpose.
Do you have any pets? I am renting, and most landlords in Australia don't allow pets.
Who do you live with?: One roommate, whom I'm fortunately good friends with.
What's your favourite piece of clothing you own?: The puffy jacket I found in my wardrobe earlier this year just as the weather was turning cold. Now I don't leave the house without it.
Relationship status: Single and probably staying that way for a while.
Favourite book?: I don't really have one favourite, but I will read anything by Terry Pratchett or Yahtzee Croshaw.
Last movie you watched?: Everything Everywhere All At Once.
Last song you listened to?: Star Trek Picard Main Theme.
How many hours of sleep did you get last night?: About 5 or 6.
How long have you had tumblr?: Since 2013, although I was lurking since 2012.
Do you play any instruments?: Piano, but I'm out of practice.
What was the last video game you played?: Pokemon SoulSilver.
Whats your favourite album?: All You Need Is Now by Duran Duran
How many languages can you speak?: One (English). I also have some experience with French, and I have the barest passing familiarity with Latin, German, and Bosnian/Serbian/Croatian.
Do you like chewing gum?: Not really.
Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?: Hot chocolate.
White, milk or dark chocolate?: White
Whats your favourite type of cake?: Red velvet.
Whats your 3rd favourite animal?: Crested pigeon.
How long can you hold your breath? (please don't suffocate trying to find out): Not especially long, I don't think. I don't think I have any particular breathing difficulties, and yet my breath control just kinda sucks.
What's a fun fact to tell at parties?: My parents are using me as their own personal retirement fund. That's not a fun fact, but it does occupy my mind a lot these days, and maybe that's why I'm not invited to parties anymore.
Do you want to have children?: Nah, I would be a terrible dad.
Would you rather live near the mountians or near the beach?: Mountains.
Do you regret quitting any hobbies?: D&D, for sure. I lost a lot of both friends and hobbies during the pandemic.
Favourite video game?: Pokemon SoulSilver and/or Age of Empires II.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Let's not go there.
Do you want to go to university /are at university /have been to university?: I graduated at the end of 2020.
What would you say has been your best year so far?: 2014.
Whats your favourite physical feature about yourself?: My hair.
What do you think is your best talent?: None.
Can you drive?: I used to know how, but I haven't actually done it for years because I don't like it.
Can you ride a bike?: Yes. Again, haven't done it for years, but I don't hate it as much as driving
Can you swim?: Yes, but really slowly
Do you believe in astrology?: No! And since you've read this far down, I'll let you in on a little secret: All the answers I gave to the earlier astrology questions, including Hogwarts house, were joke answers. My REAL star sign is Saggitarius.
What is your weirdest childhood crush?: Siiiigh... Lady Campanula Tottington from Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit.
Describe your favourite jumper?: Warm, blue, and large but also not overwhelmingly heavy.
How many houses have you lived in?: Umm... seven.
How many different schools have you been to?: Four.
What is the furthest you've ever travelled?: Definitely from Australia to the UK. One time I had to carry on back south to France (CDG) from LHR, and that's probably the absolute furthest I've travelled in a single journey.
What time do you usually go to sleep?: About 11PM these days.
What plans do you have for tomorrow?: The weather seems awful and trains are unreliable, so probably staying home and vegging out.
Are you scared of space?: Yes.
Can you knit?: No.
What's the fanciest restaurant youve ever been too?: I feel like that's a question for a) someone whose parents didn't drag him to the OPERA on a regular basis, and b) someone who actually has a set of criteria for determining the relative fanciness of restaurants.
What's the longest flight you have ever been on?: 13 hour leg from Bangkok to London.
Have you ever been on a cruise?: Nope.
Is the ocean or space scarier?: Space. Death is more immediate and much more certain.
Do you support any sports teams?: Leeds United. Occasionally the Sydney Swans. My favourite national team is the Australian cricket team when they aren't rubbing sandpaper on the ball.
Have you ever played sports competitively?: Not out of mandatory high school events. The one I was best at was probably tennis.
What's your best friend's favourite sport?: My best friends don't like many sports. There's two criteria for the question and no one person perfectly fills them both. Out of my really close friends, one has a family tradition of following professional cycling. Out of actual engagement in the sport, I've never met @adhoption in real life but he really does like football.
Name a sport you would like to have a go at?: If I didn't have Cerebral Palsy I think I'd like to at least give football a go.
What was the last film you watched?: Didn't we have this question already?
What was the last film you watched at a cinema?: Yeah, I'm sure I've already answered this one.
What's your favourite Christmas film?: This'll throw some people for a loop. James Bond: On Her Majesty's Secret Service.
Name a film you watch for the soundtrack?: Baby Driver
What's the worst thing you've ever been dared to do?: I don't play games involving dares.
What's the most illegal thing you've ever done?: What are you, a cop?
What's the reason for the last friendship you ended?: I'd rather not go into it.
Who is your newest friend?: I met some people at the local game shop yesterday. They seem nice.
What time did you wake up today?: Somewhere between 6 and 7.
What time did you go to bed last night?: 11:40
How many spoons can you balance on your face?: Maybe one?
What colour is your hair?: Dark brown
What colour do you want your hair to be?: I'd like it to be a lighter brown, maybe even a bit blond?
How many times have you left your house today?: Zero. Probably one by the time most people read this.
When was the last time you downloaded a film or music illegally?: Look, you may not be legally required to read me my Miranda rights anymore,
What was it?: but I still don't have to answer these questions.
How much charge does your phone have?: 63% and rising.
How many hours have you been on tumblr today?: 2ish.
What colour is your top? Grey.
What was the last lie you told?: Not a chance, officer.
Are you or have you ever been vegan?: Nope.
Can you drive?: Yes.
How many capital cities can you name?: That seems like a very American question. I can name all my state capitals, the national capital, and if you asked me what most European national capitals were I could probably name them after some thought. The capital of Hungary is Budapest, I think. The capital of Bosnia and Herzegovina is Sarajevo. The capital of Belgium is Brussels.
Your opinion on pineapple on pizza?: Pineapple does go on pizza!
Your opinion on the beach?: Overrated but still a good place to go in the summer if you prepare enough and you're not sick of the sun yet.
How is 'oreo' pronounced?: Aw-ree-oh.
How is 'data' pronounced?: Dah-ta. And it's plural.
How is 'caramel' pronounced?: Like cat-rat-melt if you took away all the 't's.
What's the ideal temperature?: Warmer than it is right now.
Were you good at video games as a kid?: Hell no, I just enjoyed them. One of the many deaths of my childhood was finding out that Pokemon had a Serious Competitive Scene which has slowly but surely been banning absolutely everything luck-based about the game since about 2007.
What's the first book you remember reading?: I'm bad at remembering the timeline of my early childhood. Anything from The Secret Seven by Enid Blyton, In Which We Are Introduced to Winnie The Pooh and Some Bees and the Stories Begin by A.A. Milne, Old Bear or Little Bear's Trousers by Jane Hissey, or The Tale of Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter.
What's the worst book you've ever read? Artemis Fowl and the Last Guardian by Eoin Colfer.
What TV show would you recommend to everyone?: Unironically, tastes vary, nothing is perfect, but everyone needs a little bit of Phineas and Ferb in their lives.
Is your room tidy?: Heeeell no.
How many people do you follow?: Like 80-something?
Have you ever tried dating apps?: No, and if I do then you know I'm truly desperate.
Who's birthday is next out of your family and friends?: @lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks !
Do you drink energy drinks? Nope.
Do you drink coffee?: Nooope.
What's your opinion on fish?: That's an awful lot of variety for one opinion! Uh... Slimy.
Do you like hosting events?: Not for huge amounts of people, but for close friends absolutely yes.
Do you like being on aux? No, even if that means what I think it does.
Are you good at maths?: No. Mental arithmetic, yes.
How many phone numbers have you memorised?: Back when we all had landlines I had a lot more memorised, now I only have about 3-5 useful ones left.
Can you do a handstand?: Nnno.
Jelly or ice cream?: Ice cream.
Have you ever been to a birthday party for children? I was actually once a child with a healthy social life, yes.
Have you ever seen a Broadway show?: No! In fact I have never been to Broadway.
What's your favourite type of jewellery?: Necklace.
Savoury or sweet?: Sweet.
Do you like McDonald's?: Nah.
What do you call carbonated beverages?: By their individual brand names: Sprite, Solo, Lift, Fanta, and so on.
Do you have a favourite word? Petrichor.
What is something dumb you believed as a child?: That my mum had better social skills than I did.
What height do you wish you were?: Maybe like 3 or 4 centimetres taller?
Do you have or want tattoos?: No, I have a terrific fear of needles.
Can you code?: I know only the most basic and rudimentary things about coding.
Did you watch Glee?: No. That show isn't still going is it??
Can you fit your fist in your mouth?: Not even close.
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i share some of your sentiments about shaymien, i didnt want to give even a longer rant on other peoples asks lol. first of all i loove mitski's acoustic recording of francis forever on youtube, its how i discovered her! and to a heavier note, i have been the person who had to end/take some space from friendships becouse the other parts energy was way too much to handle for me, and i would feel i could get mean or bitter about them which then would end up making more nervous around them. (which i would hate!! i didnt dislike them as a whole person, as their core. its just the way we connect become so mismatched) i can see that this would make the other person nervous too, but my nervous response was to back away to not hurt them with my bitterness thats building, theirs would be to latching to more. i had to have a difficult conversation that i didnt/still dont feel 100 percent good about. i just have to accept that some amount of hurt is necesarry in life, and you cant shy away from it. that only gives shallow relationships, and even worse in the long run //abusive// ones. i still respected them and liked lots of parts of them and wished them the best! maybe with a person who can be more compassionate/honest/just overal can match their vibe then me? idk, shit is complex lol. i didnt want to put this one on shaymien too much, because i can clearly see im way too heavily biased from my own experience, and im probably projecting a lot! just wanted to share my thoughts, and why this might be hitting harder for some of us..despite what the reality of the situation might be. sorry if my rant opened a bad can of worms -whats a good can of worms? lol, anyways, take care! (also i agree, i hope daimens not working himself too much to distract. i mean we all can do that to an extent. just hope it doesnt take too long for it to become actually harmful/neglecting of real problems)
thanks for sharing!! it is interesting to see the different perspectives on this, i have definitely been on both sides in terms of relationship reciprocation that we’re talking about, but i definitely feel like i am usually the one that is more…obsessive, i guess? it’s something i’ve realized i’ve been doing for a while now, there are aspects of my personality that are obsessive, and i’m also kind of having to deal with the guilt of that, and struggling with wanting to be 100% myself not holding back, but also not wanting to be too much for people to make them uncomfortable idk. this is entirely on me now and not on damien anymore really oopsies!
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weeks pass by like days now
theres only 4 days till christmas, how?? i swear yesterday was 12/1. time goes by extremely fast as well when i dont have school. and now that i dont have school i just .. idk. i dont feel real at times, too. being separated from the world and isolated in a house with a ten year old (😭) surely isnt what id like to be spending my time doing. i love talking to my online friends! however.. they get most active past 12am.. like fnaf.. lol
i love staying up late talking to them but i hate the consequences that follow. im tired all day and i risk getting caught! if i get caught being up late especially talking to online friends ohhh my ass is grass.
i uh
i think they are getting like tired of me tho, maybe they are just changing, like friendships do. but i dont want them to change, i dont want us to change. i dont handle loss very well so change always makes me feel its gonna turn into a loss
im nervous
i try to talk to people as much as i can but no response , is it me or the other person ⁉️ i need to make more friends. but at the same time i dont think i could ever build the same bond or relationship (/p) with anyone else the same way i have with my other friends. they hold a special place in my heart. but idk if i have that place in theirs 😰😰
it’ll pass
tomorrow is friday. the next day is saturday. i get to see my cousin! and maybe get stoned . dont ask :3
my dog is supposed to have puppies anytime now. shes been having contractions all day and its stressin me out. i wish she’d just hurry and pop these pups out already. december 22nd sounds like a pretty birthday
i blocked him on twitter today. and now imessage. i dont really have a reason.. i just dont wanna talk to him. at all. ive lost the love i thought i had for him. he wasnt a bad boyfriend i guess but he was a bad friend. well maybe its the other way around… or maybe hes just bad all around. he wasnt the one and i knew it from the start
theres only one guy ive been certain about but i gave up on him a while ago. i also recently thought i liked a friend of mine.. but i think its better if we stay friends :’| love is hard. i dont know how to wait and let it come naturally. well. maybe i do wait.. at least i have been for the past week. but past relationships ive been in felt so rushed!! i dont think i’ll ever be able to love again if i keep loving and loving then getting my heart broke
ive started liking a kids movie franchise. trolls. is that embarrassing? should i be embarrassed? ashamed? im not rlly.. but i feel like if i express it to certain people i’ll get bullied LOL
ive been asking for music recommendations far and wide bc i feel like when someone asks me for recommendations i have nothing to offer. i get a lot of my favorites from tiktok. well.. actually.. most of them are from my friends! i absolutely love listening to the music they give me and thinking abt them the whole time. my friends are how i found laufey, tyler, lord huron, lil peep, and some others. music is probably my favorite thing. ever.
well i think im done yapping. for now. goodbye
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