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crmsndragonwngss · 1 month

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It’s probably a good thing that my dad’s going with me to this show on Saturday solely because that’ll keep me from spilling my fucking guts out to Jesse Cash about how I heard Dreamcatcher on my discover weekly playlist in 2014 and between Erra and Ghost Atlas his music saved me when I was at my absolute lowest low if I manage to catch him at the merch table and really nobody wants that lmfao

#she speaks #listen my dad has heard the story and he knows #but I don’t like the sad look he gets on his face when I tell it so I don’t like to tell it in front of him #and like I don’t want him to worry about me because I’m definitely not in that place anymore #like I’m low right now and I have real low depressive episodes #but never ones quite that low #that one was bad #like real real bad #like that was almost it for me bad #and nobody knows that but tumblr lol and I’d like to keep it that way #cuz like I said I’m not in that place anymore and I don’t want anybody to worry about me when I’m really truly fine #and when I know that even if it feels like the world is ending I’ll be alright in the morning #and like I’m an adult and I’m perfectly capable of and willing to go to therapy when I need it lol #but I feel like if I were to actually get face to face with Jesse Cash without a buffer I would absolutely spill that fucking story in full #like even the stuff I haven’t said here lmao #and yeah nobody wants that including me 😂😂😂#anyway my dad’s my concert buddy so I’m always glad to have him with me ❤️

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inkskinned · 10 months

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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

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hyakunana · 22 days

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I hate the sewers . jpg

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #larian studios #astarion #astarion ancunin #halsin #bg3 halsin #comics #fanart #me browsing my saved clips like 'wait why did i record this one—'#cuts the scene im laughin for solid 5 mins #i feel so bad for astarion it almost looks like he isn't my fav w this treatment kcvvnxovx #'the bank money can wait - we need to pamper astarion now'#hey past me why did u try to switch places w halsin instead of- yknow- tHE GUY YOU PAIRED HIM WITH #prob was bc halsin had more hp to let him step on fire - and also forgetting the water pipe does that #ngl i still don't really understand how to do this part the proper way #like- yeah i know what to do but it's never perfect and always someone will get burned or pushed #plot twist im making better numbers here than twt w bg3 so i'm posting here first while i do a twt detox #my mental health this month is hanging there by two strings and these strings are baldurs gate 3 and hades 2 #currently doing my honor run with my rebooted tav'chyon the dracomonk pls wish me luck

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 4 months

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Happy Valentine's Day! (and this blog's first post anniversary!)

#poorly drawn mdzs #better drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #lan wangji #Woah...it's been a whole *year* since I took the leap and uploaded my 'first attempt' art.#It's outdated now but it holds a special place in my heart for the fact it started all of this off.#Calling this 'poorly-drawn' was always about accepting that my art was going to be imperfect and messy - and doing it anyways!#There has been a staggering number of times I have drawn something I almost didn't upload because I didn't think it was 'good enough'#only for someone to say they liked it - or that it made them laugh. And it has helped me realize -#-The worst critic for my work has always been myself. If I listened to it all the time...well we would not be here now B'*)#And now that I have dabbled in other fandoms I can truly see how lucky was to start out with the MXTX fans.#The supportive messages and tags have truly been a guiding force toward my artistic and self improvement.#I really can't describe how grateful I am.#Thank you for seeing something worth rooting for when I was just figuring things out.#Thank you for being sweeter than the candy I have strategically hidden in the nooks and crannies of this house.#But watch out! If you forget to find them we will get ants.#I remembered to not hide chocolate in the bed this year. Yes I know it melted last time. Yes it did stain. I'm still sorry.#Thank you for loving me regardless <3 Even if it looked like I shit the bed real bad.

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nerdyqueerr · 1 month

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The Amazing Devil truly knocked it out of the park with Fair in terms of love songs i mean its got everything. Domesticity, deep adoration, confessions of love when youre sure no one else can hear, a that's what she said joke, yogurt, genuinely dont think there's a more romantic song on the face of the earth

#its everything 2 me you dont understand #the 'him' in that song.... hes so me #need to have a word with joey batey and madeleine hyland abt this one fr #god. the thats what she says joke almost reduces me to tears sometimes.#how unreasonably in love i am with everything you do!!!!#i cant even pick more lines from the verses to quote like its all so. waugh.#they werent lying that devil sure can amazing #their constant ability to marry small ridiculpus mundane things with profound metaphorical epic things really shines in Fair. idk #every time i see a bad taylor swift lyric in the next few days ill just listen to some tad to cleanse my soul #my shit #the amazing devil

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cairoscene · 10 months

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Brian David Gilbert on Sad Boyz

feels fandom relevant.

[ID: A series of screen captures of Brian David Gilbert speaking on a podcast: "The thing that you invest your time in can feel so important to your identity that occasionally you feel, like, you need to close it off from other people in order to keep it safe. And I think that's where a lot of nerd culture, all that gatekeeping stuff, all of the toxicity stems from that thing where it's like, "In high school I didn't have a lot of friends or connect with a lot of people, but I did have this comic book, and now this comic book is super popular, but these people don't like me. That must be because they're not real fans."" End ID]

#feels very appropriate recently #oh you didn't read those comics? or these ones? or any? you're not doing it right #oh you're not including my favorite character? you're not doing it right #your fic/headcanons/meta annoys me? you're not doing it right #like come on these comics are 80 years old #obviously fanon vs canon is a battle that exists in almost every fandom but it's been esp prevalent in this fandom i've noticed #let's be real guys the comics are sometimes really bad and sometimes fanon is really good #anyway i watched this and it felt applicable #so that's my two cents #gatekeeping #fandom #etc

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lemongogo · 3 months

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#wyll #wyll ravengard #bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #my art #larian job openings but none for wyll fanartizt … hmmm….#.. change that and get back 2 me ok. …#anywyas . <looove saying anyways ~#rediscovering this brush and its kind of fun tbh.. i love the patchiness of the marker but this is soo round and full #and i like the opacity shift on the ends bc it looks so smooth .. like the subtle blending #do u see the mizora .i almost drew her w but i didnt want to make wyll scowl and you know he doesnt gaf abt her like thagt so.#aug.anyways . im soo soeepy .tired snzzz snorrkkmimi #MANN!!!! i havent played since they fixed the wyll glitch and i want to soosos soo bad (crying hamster pic)#k mneed to . draw more fomplete stuff again sry for headshot soft smile number 332 #this feels more him to me .. i dont like the first pic i posted . whichever one is colored #🫵🫵🫵 i cant render faces for shit w color .woe is me #on the right track though i do like this 1 more . not there yet but SOON.for wyll at least HELPPPP i drew a few astsrions and shadowhearts #but no1 else ..

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freesonaisant · 5 months

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"Who is the liar?"

"The disappointment"

"¿who is the dragon warrior?"

Hi, how are u? Did ur year start gud? (Dementia)

#kung fu panda #tai lung #tigress #kung fu panda 4 #kung fu panda fanart #dragon warrior #I almost lost my account #I practically died #and tiktok consumed me #inventing labels #I missed the labels so bad #It's like on ao3 😭😭#okay #I'm done #kfp tai lung #kfp tigress #kfp

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angeldahlias · 7 months

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i’ve seen multiple times people writing smut fics about mike and putting shit about them like almost getting caught by abby and like… don’t do that? thrill of getting caught i totally get, but like why would it be exciting for you to possibly be caught by a CHILD? an adult yeah understandable that’s fine. but a fucking child? a young girl that doesn’t understand what sex is or what’s happening, you find it hot that she might catch you? it’s just so gross, i know it’s fiction but like the second i see a mention of abby in a smut fic i’m so wary. do better guys, stop writing gross creepy scenarios where abby almost catches you and mike.

#and like it’s bad enough when it’s like nameless made up kids for the fanfiction #but you went and saw the movie and looked at sweet little abby’s face and decided it would be hot if she almost caught you fucking??#that’s just absolutely insane to me #mike schmidt smut #josh hutcherson smut #dahlia talks

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turtleblogatlast · 19 days

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“Hey, Hueso.”

Hueso sighs.

Moving his gaze to his left, he sees Leo casually leaning up against the wall next to him. The turtle isn’t looking at him, instead he seems to be staring at nothing at all. Strange, but not necessarily unheard of from him.

“We’re closed, Pepino.” Hueso states, moving a little away to continue closing down his restaurant-

“Can any portal be portal-jacked?”

Hueso pauses.

It’s a simple enough question, one that Hueso’s fairly certain he’s given an equally simple - if not a bit harsh - answer to. Granted, it was more in regard to the likelihood of bad portals being jacked rather than any at all, so maybe now that Leo has admittedly become much more competent with his portals, he’s just worried it’ll happen again.

The invasion certainly made the boy more…cautious. Quieter, too.

“Well…” Hueso runs a bony hand down his face, “From what I know, the possibility always exists, Pepino. However, it is far, far more unlikely to be portal-jacked when the portal is made by a master, rather than some reckless amateur.”

Leo nods his head, almost vacantly. If Hueso wasn’t paying so much attention he may have missed the way Leo seemed to look a little sick. Despite himself, concern builds within him.

“So-“ Leo starts, his voice soft in a worrisome way before he clears it, “So…if the portal was just- really strong, it could still be jacked if made by a beginner?”

Hueso watches closely even as he nods in answer, “Sí. Your own portals are strong, no?”

Leo shakes his head, “No, like- imagine a portal way stronger than mine ever were. Something huge and stuff. More, uh. More locked up dimensions and time, less…just space.”

“Hm.” Hueso frowns, considering the strange question. “Well, in truth I have yet to come across many portals on that level, but there’s nothing to say that it’s not possible-“ The smallest furrow of Leo’s brow makes Hueso hurry to add, “-ah, but there’s also nothing that says it is possible.”

“So…it could happen? It’s not a definitive “no”?” Leo asks, the smallest of shakes present in his tone.

Hueso puts a hand on Leo’s shoulder. “No lo sé, Pepino. I haven’t come across such portals enough to give a good answer to you.”

Something in him hurts a bit when Leo visibly plasters on a grin. “Ah, man. Well- Gracias, Hueso, this was just a stupid thing to get all hung up on anyway.”

Hueso looks closer at this annoying, insufferable, horribly quiet and reserved boy. He sees the dark circles peaking, barely visible thanks to the mask. He sees the scars of healed injuries never to be forgotten displayed all across the boy’s body. He sees the look in Leo’s eyes, a depression and worry that is…hard to look at, in someone so young.

He sees all of this in Leo, and as much as he sometimes wishes to deny it, he cares enough about him to gently ask. “Are you okay, Pepino?”

“Oh- yeah, yeah, don’t worry, Hueso, I’m not about to whine to you again or anything.” Leo laughs, backing away out of Hueso’s reach. “It’s just a little question, just something that’s been bothering me, y’know? Wanted to ask an expert.”

“Pepino-“ Hueso starts, not quite sure what to say. The words “you can come to me whenever you need to” are true, and yet he can’t bring himself to say them before Leo already is swinging a katana.

In the light of his blue portal, Leo sends Hueso his signature, manufactured grin. “Thanks for listening, Hueso!”

And then he’s gone. Just like that. Standing tall and confident with not a shred of that worry and reservation and fear left behind. It was the look of a soldier heading off to a battle he knew was terrifying, but one he also knew he needed to keep a brave face for.

It would have been a commendable look, if not for the fact Leo was heading home.

Hueso stares at the residual sparks of the portal for just a moment longer before moving to continue closing. Next time, because there will always be a next time, Hueso will have a fresh pizza waiting.

And, hopefully, a bit of that insufferable turtle he knows so well comes back to grab a slice.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt leo #rottmnt hueso #rise hueso #rise leo #rottmnt headcanons #do I think Mikey’s portal at the end COULD have been jacked? probably not #do i think it’s a possibility that LEO thinks could have happened? oh yes #Leo already had a pretty bad moment with portal jacking before it would NOT surprise me if it’s a legitimate fear of his now #because like - he got lucky #his brothers could have been sent ANYWHERE and he had no idea where #and in that regard - he as well could have been sent anywhere in his wayyy too injured state #again I think Mikey’s portals fall into a different wheelhouse than Leo’s and most others do #and the portal he made was likely wayyyyy too strong to do anything to #BUT again…the worry remains #imagine being Leo and almost ALMOST being in his brothers’ arms #only to be put into the wilderness somewhere all alone #while horrifically injured at that #on one hand at least it’s not the prison dimension #on the other…

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biblically-accurate-dca · 1 month

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@vanweek2024 day 6 - spare

vanny goes bowling !

#my art #vanweek2024 #this was the only prompt i prepared before the week started lol #the perspective might be Bad but idc. the colors might also be Bad but again idc #couldnt think of anything for the other definition of spare so... bowling it is #vanny #vanny fnaf #glamrock bonnie #anyway it's honestly so funny to me how i've been posting all this van stuff and the most popular post for it has like? less than 100 notes?#but i know the second i start posting 🌞🌜 stuff again that number will shoot back up #which just means my 🌞🌜 stuff is too easily consumable and i need to make it even worse ♡#i do have a lot of complex feelings regarding the 🌞🌜 fandom and the way van and ness are largely ignored despite how intertwined their #stories are. but i feel like if i talk about that i'll get harassed LMAOOO #and also these tags aren't really the place for it anyway #eyestrain #eye strain #<- oh i almost forgot HDKSKF

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inkskinned · 11 months

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so one of the things that's so horrifying about birth control is that you have to, like, navigate this incredibly personal choice about your body and yet also face the epitome of misogyny. like, someone in the comments will say it wasn't that bad for me, and you'll be utterly silenced. like, everyone treats birth control like something that's super dirty. like, you have no fucking information or control over this thing because certain powerful people find it icky.

first it was the oral contraceptives. you went on those young, mostly for reasons unrelated to birth control - even your dermatologist suggested them to control your acne. the list of side effects was longer than your arm, and you just stared at it, horrified.

it made you so mentally ill, but you just heard that this was adulthood. that, yes, there are of course side effects, what did you expect. one day you looked up yasmin makes me depressed because surely this was far too intense, and you discovered that over 12,000 lawsuits had been successfully filed against the brand. it remains commonly prescribed on the open market. you switched brands a few times before oral contraceptives stopped being in any way effective. your doctor just, like, shrugged and said you could try a different brand again.

and the thing is that you're a feminist. you know from your own experience that birth control can be lifesaving, and that even when used for birth control - it is necessary healthcare. you have seen it save so many people from such bad situations, yourself included. it is critical that any person has access to birth control, and you would never suggest that we just get rid of all of it.

you were a little skeeved out by the implant (heard too many bad stories about it) and figured - okay, iud. it was some of the worst pain you've ever fucking experienced, and you did it with a small number of tylenol in your system (3), like you were getting your bikini line waxed instead of something practically sewn into your body.

and what's wild is that because sometimes it isn't a painful insertion process, it is vanishingly rare to find a doctor that will actually numb the area. while your doctor was talking to you about which brand to choose, you were thinking about the other ways you've been injured in your life. you thought about how you had a suspicious mole frozen off - something so small and easy - and how they'd numbed a huge area. you thought about when you broke your wrist and didn't actually notice, because you'd thought it was a sprain.

your understanding of pain is that how the human body responds to injury doesn't always relate to the actual pain tolerance of the person - it's more about how lucky that person is physically. maybe they broke it in a perfect way. maybe they happened to get hurt in a place without a lot of nerve endings. some people can handle a broken femur but crumble under a sore tooth. there's no true way to predict how "much" something actually hurts.

in no other situation would it be appropriate for doctors to ignore pain. just because someone can break their wrist and not feel it doesn't mean no one should receive pain meds for a broken wrist. it just means that particular person was lucky about it. it should not define treatment.

in the comments of videos about IUDs, literally thousands of people report agony. blinding, nauseating, soul-crushing agony. they say things like i had 2 kids and this was the worst thing i ever experienced or i literally have a tattoo on my ribs and it felt like a tickle. this thing almost killed me or would rather run into traffic than ever feel that again.

so it's either true that every single person who reports severe pain is exaggerating. or it's true that it's far more likely you will experience pain, rather than "just a pinch." and yet - there's nothing fucking been done about it. it kind of feels like a shrug is layered on top of everything - since technically it's elective, isn't it kind of your fault for agreeing to select it? stop being fearmongering. stop being defensive.

you fucking needed yours. you are almost weirdly protective of it. yours was so important for your physical and mental health. it helped you off hormonal birth control and even started helping some of your symptoms. it still fucking hurt for no fucking reason.

once while recovering from surgery, they offered you like 15 days of vicodin. you only took 2 of them. you've been offered oxy for tonsillitis. you turned down opioids while recovering from your wisdom tooth extraction. everything else has the option. you fucking drove yourself home after it, shocked and quietly weeping, feeling like something very bad had just happened. the nurse that held your hand during the experience looked down at you, tears in her eyes, and said - i know. this is cruelty in action.

and it's fucked up because the conversation is never just "hey, so the way we are doing this is fucking barbaric and doctors should be required to offer serious pain meds" - it's usually something around the lines of "well, it didn't kill you, did it?"

you just found out that removing that little bitch will hurt just as bad. a little pinch like how oral contraceptives have "some" serious symptoms. like your life and pain are expendable or not really important. like maybe we are all hysterical about it?

hysteria comes from the latin word for uterus, which is great!

you stand here at a crossroads. like - this thing is so important. did they really have to make it so fucking dangerous. and why is it that if you make a complaint, you're told - i didn't even want you to have this in the first place. we're told be careful what you wish for. we're told that it's our fault for wanting something so illict; we could simply choose not to need medication. that maybe if we don't like the scraps, we should get ready to starve.

we have been saying for so long - "i'm not asking you to remove the option, i'm asking you to reconsider the risk." this entire time we hear: well, this is what you wanted, isn't it?