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longitud-de-onda · 4 years

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mistakes like this, pt. 4

pairing; javier peña x reader summary; you dumbasses finally get over your inability to communicate rating; m warnings; angst, talking about sex and alcohol and sort of talking about consent word count; 3.0k a/n; never thought my first time writing smut would turn into a four part series. and now its done and i loved writing this. i’m thinking about some side pieces from javi’s perspective and/or an epilogue (maybe smutty?), so i’ll leave y’all on the taglist unless you request to be removed. enjoy! previous; part one, part two, part three

mistakes like this masterlist

“Y/N, I’m so sorry.”

“Javi—” you started. You were tired and it was late. Your stomach was churning at the sounds of the previous half-hour. “You need to leave.”

You closed the door only for it to be stopped, inches from the frame.

“Wait! Y/N,” Javier said, “I can’t lose you.”

You knew the sound of tears in someone's voice. Hell, you sounded the exact same when talking to Connie. You didn’t pity Javier the way you assumed Connie pitied you, but you couldn’t help but wonder what had happened and why he was at your door, again.

“You already did, Peña.” Your voice came out cold and flat.

“I know and I fucked up,” he said.

You laughed. That was the understatement of the century.

“Yeah. And I lost my best friend.” You took a deep breath. “Javi, I don't have the energy for this, I just want to go to sleep. You’ve done enough damage today.”

As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you were still recovering from everything Javier had said. It hurt, knowing he didn’t care. That you had gone from being everything to one another, to being practically nothing. You wanted him back, but you knew you couldn’t ever be the same around him. It was too hard.

Javier was still standing in the doorway. Maybe saying what you had was too harsh. Too hard for a guy who had clearly been crying and was only half-dressed. But you were still processing what he had done. Hearing him fuck another woman, so soon after you fought, so soon after treating you like trash.

It had hurt more than you expected it to.

You weren’t in a relationship, so he had all the right to do it. But that didn’t cushion the blow. You had just admitted you loved him. To Connie, and to yourself. Hearing him only felt like the final twist of a knife you never expected to have been impaled in your chest.

You motioned to turn around, about to close the door again.

“I love you.”

You froze. Javier’s eyes were wide and his mouth parted in shock at his own words.

Once you recovered from those words, ones you hadn’t heard spoken to you in a long time, ones that had probably not come out of Javier’s mouth in a long time either, the humor of it all struck you.

He said he cared about your friendship. He said he was scared of losing you. He said he loved you. But all his actions didn’t match up. There was no way he could be telling the truth, no way that the two of you felt the same way about each other. That didn’t happen to people like you: DEA agents working their asses off, numb to everything, killing people. You didn’t get happy endings like that.

You laughed out loud, and Javier still stood there, watching.

“Is that why you fucked someone else?” you asked.

Javier paused, something flashing across his eyes. Fear, maybe? You maintained eye contact with him, waiting for a response. Anything to explain the roller coaster of emotions that was now flooding your body.

“I thought I had lost you, I needed to, you know,” he said, “but all I could think of was you.”

He was looking down at the ground, and you thought you heard a sniffle but you couldn’t be sure. This wasn’t the Javier you knew. Not the cocky asshole who would push people away and throw up a middle finger at the first sight of emotions. This was someone else. Someone giving up their shell, baring themselves to you.

“I said your name,” Javier whispered.

You couldn’t help your heart from soaring at those words before feeling the pang of guilt. You imagined him in bed with the woman, how she would have been enamored by him. Like everyone was. Like you were. How at the heat of the moment, no matter how impersonal things were, Javier let out another person's name. You had felt that sting before, sometime back in college, and you wouldn’t wish it on anyone. No matter how much that meant Javier was honest in his words to you.

“That just makes you an asshole. To at least two women today,” you spit out.

“And I want to make it up to one of them,” Javier said, pleading.

“Saying you love me doesn’t fix things,” you said. You were wary with your words. Javier might love you, but you couldn’t ignore that he never did relationships. Who was to say he would be able to do one with you?

“I know. Can I explain myself?” he said. At least he was trying.

You wanted to push him away. Slam the door on him and try to forget. This had only further complicated things. You wanted to give him a shot, but he had proven time and time again, over five years, that he wasn’t interested in relationships. You couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t fail you.

But then again, what other woman had he sacrificed nights out for? All so that you could vent about work or sit and drink with him. You were so close, it could practically be considered dating. That is, if you removed the dates and the kissing. That was what had killed you over the years. That was what you had to push down and try to forget.

But Javier loved you. That wasn’t something you could ignore. More than anything, you were disappointed that this realization didn’t send you over the moon with joy. You wished it could have happened that morning when you were still hopeful. When you hadn’t been treated like shit. But the damage had been done, and now you struggled to even believe the words you were hearing.

You looked up at Javier. He was waiting for your response, one hand in the other, massaging his own fingers in the nervous gesture you recognized from days out in the field when he didn’t have cigarettes or alcohol to fall back on. It was cold too, out in the hallway, and he wasn’t wearing a shirt, and as much as he tried to hide it, you could see the goosebumps littering his skin.

Eyes drifting over his chest, you took in his appearance. He was very clearly just having sex, his pants haphazardly buttoned on and his lips were swollen. His cheeks were redder than usual and your eyes swept over his body. You remembered seeing him like this, back when you made him look that way. But this time it was another woman’s fault.

Another woman that he had used and called her by your own name. It was admittedly one of the suckiest moves a guy could make, except throwing a girl aside as soon as you had had sex, as Javier had you. But you knew Javier would only beat himself up over it. And he was here, trying to make things right, saying words you thought he couldn’t ever say.

“Fine.” You stepped aside, holding the door open for Javier. He hesitated before stepping across the threshold, avoiding eye contact as he sat down on the edge of your couch. Javier propped his elbows onto his legs, leaned forward, and ran a hand through his hair.

You watched him from the doorway, not sure if he was about to say something or would wait for you to come fully in. You closed the door and walked up to the edge of your kitchen island, leaning against the counter and facing Javier. The apartment was dark, a faint glow from the streetlights passing through your curtains washed the room with yellow. It lit Javier up from the back, giving his hunched figure an angelic glow. No matter how angry you were, he was always the most beautiful person you had ever seen. Somehow you had fallen for a man who had only gotten more stunning with age.

Standing against the island, hands behind your back, you take a deep breath. Javier has got to say something. Your mind is racing, unsure whether to fixate on how beautiful he is or how angry you are or how frustrating it is that he hasn’t said anything.

Javier looked up, mouth opening and closing without saying a word, and then he croaked out in a tear-marred voice, “I love you.”

“You’ve said that,” you said, trying to steady your breath. Hearing it the first time you weren’t sure what to think. This time, however, it was hard not to smile.

“I...I don’t know how to do this, Y/N,” he said.

Of course he didn’t. Javier hadn’t talked about emotions with anyone. The closest he’d probably gotten was drunken nights with you. Drunken nights where you didn’t have sex.

You could see how hard this was, admitting things, for him. Hell, you knew that the reason he had sex with so many unnamed faces and prostitutes was a coping mechanism for all the feelings he didn’t want to talk about. He hadn’t let anyone get close enough to him in a long time. He probably hasn’t loved anyone for even longer.

“Why don’t you start with explaining why you said that shit in the office,” you prompted. If you could understand why he hurt you like that when he supposedly loved you, maybe you could start making sense of things.

“You said it,” he sighed, “You heard everything, I don’t know what else—”

“Why did you wish it never happened?” you interrupted. “Because I don’t know if I wanted it or not, but I wouldn’t have regretted it. Not if you hadn’t made me feel like it was nothing more than a mistake.”

That was something you weren’t sure if you were ready to admit, but your mouth worked faster than your head sometimes.

“I wished you weren’t drunk, Y/N,” he said, “That’s what you weren’t letting me tell you earlier…. I wish I could have done that—kissed you—when we were both sober.”

Oh.

That changes things.

If he had wanted to do that? If he had said that and you had misunderstood? If you had yelled at him? Told him you couldn’t be friends anymore? Didn’t that make you the bad person?

“I woke up that morning, and you were right there—so fucking beautiful—and then I realized I had taken advantage of you. I didn’t want to have done that. I felt horrible,” he said in your silence.

You had both been idiots.

“I was hoping that morning that things would be okay, and then you weren’t talking to me,” you said. “I acted like one of your hookups, just laying myself out there for you. And you then treated me like one the next morning.”

Your voice cracked as you spoke and a few tears began to fall. You had tried so hard to remain stoic in front of Javier, but you couldn’t anymore. It was all too much, discovering that you had been wrong this whole time. That you had beat yourself up over everything when Javier was doing the same damn thing.

“Earlier today, when you said something about being a whore?” Javier said, swallowing. He looked up at you, and you stared back down at him.

You weren’t sure where this was going, and you hoped he wasn’t about to screw things over again. From what had happened in the past minutes, you had hope, but that speck of doubt still sat in your stomach.

“You’re not,” he continued. “Not that there’s anything wrong with being that, but Y/N, I know you. I know you better than anyone else. You’re the most amazing woman and I could never think of you as just another hookup.”

You were frozen in place. Javier was looking up at you. He was sitting up now, one hand gripping his other arm tightly. You had been so wrong. About everything.

“I’d wanted to do that with you for a year or so now,” Javier said.

‘You have?’ you wanted to ask. But you didn’t. You could hardly believe what he was saying. You were only just starting to fully understand that he loved you. And to hear that he has for so long?

“Ever since the time you fell asleep on my couch, it wasn’t even eight and you were passed out after the day we’d had. You almost got shot earlier that day, I thought I was going to lose you,” he said. You remembered that day so vividly. “We all almost died. And the look on your sleeping face, like nothing was wrong. And I was just so glad you were even there.”

That day had been awful. You had come along on a raid with Javier. Everything was fine until you were ducked beneath a shattered window of the apartment next to a sicario’s, bullets flying overhead. Javier was next to you. You would never forget the sound of the grenade going off meters away, on the other side of the wall. The pressure of the blast sending you two flying. Exposed, you made a run for it.

Someone had followed you down the streets and between buildings. The chase led you over rooftops and when you lost them you had collapsed, all energy gone.

Later, when you found Javier again, you returned home. You couldn’t go into your apartment alone. Your hands shook as you put the key in the lock, and you stood in front of your apartment, door open, but too scared to enter. Javier had come up behind you, led you into his place, warmed up a microwave dinner, and you ate in silence on the floor of his living room.

You were still shaking when you curled up on his couch and he wrapped you in a blanket, and you turned on the TV. He sat on the other end of the sofa, legs brushing against yours, and didn’t say a word.

Looking back, you knew you had loved him for most of your friendship. Moments like that where he made you feel like someone cared for you more than anything, those were what hurt the most. Knowing you’d never have him, as unavailable as he was for romance.

Apparently, you had been mistaken.

“Every day after that I’ve wanted to kiss you.” He stood up from the couch as he said those words. “I’ve wanted to hold you in my arms, and make sure a day like that would never happen again.”

“Why didn’t you?” you breathed.

“What?”

“Why didn’t you kiss me?”

“It’s the DEA, Y/N,” he sighed. “We can’t, we shouldn’t have. And either way, you were my friend, and you don’t, you know, obviously, feel the same way.”

You wanted to scream at him. Of course you did. How could he not see that?

Javier lowered his head. His voice was painful to listen to as he held back tears. “And I didn’t want to ruin it, like I did today.”

“Javi, I—” you started. He had ruined it, sure, but he had also more than fixed things. You still weren’t sure if you could trust him, but it didn’t matter because there was a sharp pain in your chest as you looked at Javier and saw the tears running down his face. Seldom did you see any man, especially Javier, this vulnerable.

He was putting his whole self on the line for you, and you were damn sure going to do the same.

“I’ve wanted so much more from you, for a long time now,” you said, “I think I fell in love sometime in between beer bottles littering your coffee table and late nights watching crappy Colombian action films.”

You were smiling and sniffling and you didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“I wasn’t sure if that night I let you kiss me because I was drunk or because I wanted it, but if you had caught me sober—” You lowered your voice to a whisper. “I would have done the same thing.”

Javier’s jaw had dropped a half an inch, mouth hanging slightly ajar, and you bit your lip. It was a lot to process. You had been wrong about many things, but most of all, you had missed out on Javier. You had missed out on everything.

Javier took a step closer to you.

“Are you sober now?” he asked.

“Yes?” you said.

He stepped forward again, right in front of you. You were pinned between Javier and the island as he stared down at you. The look on his face was intense, his eyes boring into your skin, his facial muscles softened. He placed one hand on the rim of the counter beside you. You could feel the heat radiating off of his bare skin.

“Good,” he said.

He reached one hand up to touch your cheek and leaned in. His face was inches away from yours when he stalled, letting you meet his lips. Your eyes fluttered shut as you made contact, his lips soft against your own.

You wrapped your arms around his body, and he moved the arm that was once beside you around your waist, pulling you away from the counter and into his chest. You were wearing your sleep shirt, and the thin fabric was not much of a barrier between you and Javier, causing you to gasp against his mouth.

“I’m never going to stop saying it, Y/N,” Javier said, “I love you.”

He swiped his thumb once across your lips before wrapping that arm around you too, holding you tight and close.

“I love you too.” You were breathing heavily, and you rested your head in the crook of his neck, inhaling the scent of his sweat and a light hint of cigarettes.

“I’m so sorry for making you feel like I didn’t,” he murmured into the skin of your shoulder.

“Javi, I’m sorry too. For pushing you away. I didn’t realize you—I was so scared. Scared that I had lost the person I cared about most,” you whispered.

He laughed softly, his frame shaking against yours. “I’m never gonna let you go, you know.”

You smiled. “Please don’t ever, Javi.”

taglist; @pascalisthepunkest @turquiosenights @el-lizzie @raven974 @ryunochii @kawaiitimecharm @baar-ur @coffeeandtodd @mando-vibes @aeryntheofficial @thefuturelawyer @flapjacques @letaliabane @c0recl0wn @equalstrashflavoredtrash @lillietheoneandonly @arrowswithwifi @the-soulofdevil @rzrcrst @higher-further-faster-bb @murdermewithbooks @cloud-of-roses @didi0666 @random066 @4huncwoci @xo-dragonette-xo @fanfiction-trashpile

so sorry to those who tumblr won’t let me tag

#javier peña #javier pena #javier peña x reader #javier pena x reader #camila writes #under 5 #reader #angst #fluff #pedro fics #narcos fics #javi x reader #rated m

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darktypeimagines · 4 years

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Hello! I'm the one asking for part 2 (hehe) and yeah! The same characters from before ^^!

As the ask suggests, this is a part 2 of this post. If you haven’t seen it yet, you may want to read it first!

This one was a bit hard to write, only because I imagine a part 2 of this ask-set would depend very much on the reader’s own preferences and goals for their life. I tried to keep it vague-ish for that reason.

——————————————————————————————–

It had been about 3 years since your arrival into the Pokemon world. In that time, you managed to build a life for yourself, with your partner by your side.

But, it had been harder to adjust than you expected. Leaving one life behind and starting a new one was difficult, of course. But you weren’t prepared for the occasional culture shock or how much you actually had to learn.

In that time, the world was introduced to Ultra Beasts. They had been appearing more often than when you were first abducted, even outside of Alola. And, of course, the world took notice. At first, it was assumed the pictures and videos were fake. But then, a few trainers were seen using said Ultra Beasts, one trainer in particular becoming the champion of a region. At that point, many people accepted the existence of alien Pokemon.

But new Fallers were also found. Some of whom fell into custody of groups other than Interpol, which created quite a problem for the police agency. Most of these Fallers had their memories wiped. But a couple retained their memories, like you, and went public with their knowledge.

Luckily, none of the public Fallers were from our world; all were from various Pokemon timelines, one of which had a very bleak future.

Given the secret about other worlds and timelines was out, you decided to come forward yourself, but omitting everything about the Pokemon series being fictional in your world. You decided to work with researchers mostly, and worked on getting a book published. You figured if you were to find a niche in this world, it had to be this.

You turned out to be instrumental in deciphering the Unown code. It’s basically just English, after all, although the researchers didn’t know this at first. Telling them the Unown language was basically just another language in your world was a breakthrough in their research.

One unfortunate consequence of the increased Ultra Beast sightings was an increase in you encountering them. As a Faller, you are an Ultra Beast magnet. For your boyfriend, this was always a bit of a worry for him. Even if you do eventually become a capable trainer yourself, dealing with an upset, alien Pokemon from another world is guaranteed to be dangerous!

Raihan

Was the most supportive in you coming forward. The day you went public, made posts supporting his “alien” partner from another world. These posts gained almost as much attention as the news stories of you coming forward.

Likes to travel with you as you go around the world for your own work. Whether it’s a trip to Johto to help with the Unown translation efforts, or to attend a research convention in Unova, he’ll always offer to come along so long as it doesn’t conflict with his Gym Leader duties.

Some of your favorite memories were on these travels with you. Seeing the Dragon’s Den in Blackthorn city was amazing; Clair gave you two permission after Raihan managed to defeat her in battle (although, she wasn’t particular happy about losing, she enjoyed battling against foreign dragons). You two got lost in Castelia city, which ended up being frustrating and fun at the same time. And the Alolan beaches were lovely.

But, it was on one of those trips when you got attacked. As you were traveling by ship to your next destination, you heard screams coming from the other side of the ship. Raihan, being a capable gym leader, immediately ran in that direction, and you followed.

It turned out to be an Ultra Beast that stepped through its portal and landed right on the ship’s deck. The Beast flexed its arms upon landing, fortunately giving bystanders the chance to run away. You identified the Pokemon as Buzzwole.

As serious as the situation was, Raihan could help but laugh. A flexing bodybuilder-esc alien? It was a bit ridiculous. He quickly sent out Flygon.

Raihan wanted to set up Sandstorm, but with the amount of other people around, he didn’t think it was wise. So instead, he just had it start with a Dragon Claw. Flygon managed to grasp the Beast’s head, and before it could react, and used Crunch on its neck.

Unfortunately, as Flygon used Crunch, Buzzwole was able to counter with Superpower. This sent the dragon flying back, skidding across the deck.

Flygon shuddered in pain. Luckily, Buzzwole did more flexing after the successful hit, giving Flygon a chance to get up. Flygon was able to pull off a Flamethrower in this time. While Flygon wasn’t gifted in Special Attack, the type advantage helped.

While Buzzwole was trying to recover from the hit, Raihan threw a Pokeball at it. You were a bit surprised that he chose to try to catch it, but it was probably an easier way to deal with it, in the end.

It took a few Ultraballs to catch the thing, as well as one more Dragon Claw from Flygon. When the Ultraball finally clicked, relief spread across the crowd.

·You two took the Buzzwole home with you. Neither of you knew what to do with the beast, but it eventually became a (weird) part of the family. Raihan ended up giving the Buzzwole to you for protection, although the Pokemon ended up bonding more with the dragon trainer.

On more than one occasion, you caught Raihan and Buzzwole working out together. Amusingly, Buzzwole far outpaced his human counterpart, but that didn’t stop Raihan from trying to keep up!

Milo

Is probably the most relaxed about your recent life changes. To him, it’s just another step in your life, and he’ll do his best to help you along the way.

Is the most likely out of the three to read your book from start to finish. One of his favorite past times is reading on his breaks. On sunny afternoons when the sun is at its peak, he likes to take his breaks in the shade of a large tree. Once there, he typically has a snack and delves into a few chapters of whatever he’s reading at the moment. There’s just something about reading a book outside, surrounded by nature, that feels right.

And yes, his break ended up being much longer than intended when he started reading your book. He couldn’t help it! It was about your world, after all. And in learning more about your world, he was learning more about how you became the person you are today.

For your anniversary together, you two decided to spend the day outside and have a picnic. It was near one of his wheat fields, and far enough away from town to have a peaceful, quiet day together. Or so you hoped.

It turns out your hopes were in vain. As Milo set up the blanket, the air became distorted and buzzed with energy. An Ultra Wormhole opened up above the field, and out popped a giant, steel Ultra Beast. It turned out to be a Celesteela!

The beast immediately started setting up roots in the field. You knew of the beast previously, having done a bit of research in case you encountered one. Celesteela sapped nutrients from the earth, and although they preferred bamboo forests, this one apparently wasn’t as picky.

It didn’t seem overly aggressive, but it was definitely observing you. You and Milo discussed what to do, and while Milo wouldn’t have minded leaving it there (since it seemed peaceful), you convinced him that it needed to be moved. Having a random, alien Pokemon in the middle of a wheat field near town did not seem like a good idea!

Milo used his Flapple to deal with the Beast. He started with Leech Seed, which the Celesteela initially didn’t notice. Milo was able to set up a few Dragon Dances before using Dragon Pulse on the beast. At that point, it definitely noticed. And retaliated.

It used Smack Down. And while Flapple wasn’t a flying type, it fell from the sky, taking quite a bit of damage, and had trouble getting airborne again.

Milo had it use another Dragon Pulse. From the boosts from Dragon Dance, it did a fair bit of damage.

It was at that point it occurred to you… What were you going to do when it fainted? The thing was huge. And heavy. How would you get it out of the field?

Your solution was to catch it. You yelled to Milo to hold off from finishing it off, and threw a Pokeball. It took a couple of tries, but you were eventually able to catch it.

You were still breathing a bit heavy, and wanted to go home. But Milo convinced you to stay; you had already mostly set up the picnic, so there’s no need to ruin the day. The Beast was dealt with, so you two could relax now.

You agreed, and had a wonderful afternoon. Milo makes some really good sandwiches. You even gave one to Flapple, since it worked so hard earlier!

You contemplated keeping the Celesteela, but it didn’t seem happy; they are rather particular with their needs, and prefer to grow in peace rather than being confined to a Pokeball. Eventually, Milo and you contacted a few researchers who have worked with Celesteela, and with their help, you set up a sanctuary for it on an unused field. Bamboo wouldn’t grow natively in the area, so it was decided that a forest would have to do. Celesteela still seemed happy, though, and you let it live there in peace.

Leon

Was a little concerned with you going public about your past, but still supports your decision. While he knows holding a secret for so long could really harm someone, he’s also aware of what so much publicity can do, too. Worries if you can handle it.

Will give you advice about dealing with your newfound publicity. If you ever need to vent, he’s a great listener.

Out of the three, he’s the most likely to be interested in the research surrounding Fallers. This is partially because of his brother, Hop. His younger brother had been researching Eternatus as a way to help his mentor, Sonia, and her research into The Darkest Day. Hop had a long way to go before becoming a professor, but he might as well get some work done along the way!

Thus, as a result of his brother, former rival, and now you becoming involved in research in some way or another, he has a bit of interest in it, as well. Mainly the results, of course.

Still low-key hopes for an explanation on the whole Pokemon-is-a-video-game-in-my-world thing. He’s accepted that he’s a character in those games, but it still bugs him now and then…

Eventually, you get attacked by an Ultra Beast. Luckily, he was there at the time. You had met Leon at the top of the Battle Tower; he had just finished up his day, and wanted to dinner with you. (Luckily, the Poke-equivalent of UberEats delivers to the Tower) There’s nothing like the view of the city below from the top of the tower, and he thought it would be a nice, romantic way to end the night.

As you stepped out of the elevator, a loud crash sounded throughout the room. A moment later, the power went out. As Leon was about to text a worker downstairs about the situation, the beast appeared before the glass, shattering it to get inside; it turned out to be a Xurkitree, sparking with excess electricity presumably stolen from the Tower itself.

Luckily, Leon had a ground type on him; he sent out Rhyperior and had it use High Horsepower.

It wasn’t enough to take out the Xurkitree, so a fight ensued. There was a scary moment when the Xurkitree used Power Whip and nearly took out Rhyperior. Luckily, the Xurikitree was on its last legs at that point, so you took the opportunity to throw a PokeBall at it before Rhyperior could be defeated.

And, it was caught with only one ball! Seems you had an alien friend now…

Leon was a bit hesitant about keeping the Xurkitree; it was so different than other Pokemon, after all. Would it be able to bond the same way? But when that same Pokemon ended up protecting you against a different Ultra Beast in a separate attack, Leon was convinced it was fine to keep it.

#raihan #milo #leon pokemon #pokemon imagines #pokemon swsh #pokemon sword and shield #pokemon #x reader #ask #scenario #darktypeimagines

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mrmallard · 3 years

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So I've stopped drinking lately for medical reasons - I went over what happened when it happened. I experimented with a couple of different drinks recently, in the hopes that I'd be able to drink for new years, but I've been strongly dissuaded from doing that by my psychiatrist for a few solid reasons.

I'm gonna rant about my recent sobriety below the cut. Alcohol and sobriety are touchy subjects for some, and I'm about to get immensely negative in a way that will probably trigger people who are recovering from substance abuse.

So far, sobriety has fucking sucked. I hate it. I understand that I hit a limit and caused harm to my liver and possibly my nerves, but I want the numbness that comes with being drunk. My friends and family drink fairly regularly, and I have to be around that as a sober person, and I hate that I'm not allowed to drink.

The worst part is when I'm at piss-ups where everyone is drunk, and the night stretches on past midnight. It gets harder to put up with everyone's drunk bullshit when I'm not drunk, and it's already hard enough putting up with drunk bullshit when I am drunk.

Tonight, I went through some uncomfortable stuff. It would have bugged me whether I was sober or drunk, but it really added up with my sobriety:

A drunk friend yelled in my ears three times. I'm sensitive to sound, and I reacted by shouting back at them not to yell in my ears, which made them yell louder. She's not a particularly close friend, so I don't think she knew - but it still hurt, and she still doubled down after I flipped and yelled back at her to stop.

I had one of my friends grab and dance on me multiple times, which I was outwardly uncomfortable with. It happened prominently twice, with additional occurrences afterwards that were at least manageable.

There was a third factor affecting my mood, but I don't want to talk about it. But it put a lot of stress on me, and I had to stop several times to decompress before dealing with it again. I would have been sad whether I was drinking or not, but I was having an especially hard time processing it without alcohol.

I had two prominent moments where I broke and acted in a negative manner. The yelling was a reaction, but these next couple of moments were me breaking my composure to vent frustration - to which I had to deal with drunk ego bullshit.

The first time, I tried to veto someone's song. I did it because I really didn't want to listen to their suggestion, and it came to a head because this same person had reacted negatively to someone else's song picks previously - putting them down and asking for something else instead, or dictating the song when my friend asked for a band.

Their reaction was to insult my musical taste, at the top of their lungs. Which led to the person controlling the music actually putting a song on by the artist my friend had specifically taken a jab at. They did it in good faith, and the friend who insulted me did sympathize that it had actually come to pass, but I was pissed off about it regardless.

The second time was in reaction to the same person, and it came after we walked home with two other people. This was at the end of the night, so I had dealt with everything else up to this point.

To begin with, we were walking home with two women. We had met one of them that night, and the other one was a friend who's been back in town for like two months. And the same friend from before picked the fucking sketchiest way home possible. Like, we were going under bridges and through parks that were pitch dark in some places. We could have gone down a fully lit street, but my friend took a left into the pitch-dark skatepark and took an equally dark path under a bridge. And what's more, it took us longer going that way than it would have taken to go in a more direct, well-lit way.

The intention was innocent, but it felt fucked up that we were taking these two women home through the darkest, least visible paths in town. It stressed me the fuck out, and I would have preferred a different way home for all of us.

Then as we were getting close, my friend starts bantering in a really argumentative way, being upset that the woman we know didn't like a TV show he likes and calling back to a snarky comment the woman we didn't know had made earlier - that she doesn't consume media. And that's the point that I snapped and yelled "why does it fucking matter?" I followed it up with shorter statements that basically reiterated the same thing - I unloaded on this one thing.

I think this sent my friend into a spiral, because after we had dropped the girls home and got to his place, he kept walking with his bag of drinks. We talked about the night a bit, he expressed frustration with what I had just said, and I basically saw him off from my street corner. He went home, got more alcohol and went to another friend's house to keep drinking, and I just got a Snapchat from him at 5.50am walking around as the sun's coming up.

He had something he was stressing out about, which I won't share out of respect, but I fucking hated dealing with his drunk bluster completely sober. I was worried he'd hurt himself even more than he already did - he gave himself a gash on the forehead with a broken coffee mug earlier, and he indicated that he wanted to go on the "Army Trail" - a place he went when he was feeling self destructive, and where he had allegedly gone one night when he broke a beer bottle and stabbed himself twice in the thigh. He was arrogant and rude, he talked over people and got petty when other people reacted in kind, and it especially sucked putting up with that while I was sober.

Drinking the way I was drinking was a curse, but I can't emphasise how angry I get in those drunk spaces without a drink to soften the impact of all the bullshit that's going on. That was just tonight - I'm having a sober Christmas around family members who are going to be blind drunk for most of it. Where I'm probably going to be pressured at least once into drinking, because my grandparents bought me a bottle of gin.

I would like to get better, physically and mentally, but it is very fucking hard to cope without a drink in my hand. Now I know it's completely off my horizons, I'm reacting very poorly. I honestly prefer being drunk, and if I'm put into frustrating situations around drunk people, I'm either going to burn bridges or I'm going to drink. And either way, it's going to be extremely fucking ugly. Sobriety fucking sucks.

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