#like idk maybe stop and think if this is rly worth it

[shuckstruck]

my spicy hot take is that the internet would do better to let the game die quietly under a mountain of bad press and apparently Bad Game Design, and i worry that stirring up so much drama about it is leading to more success than anyone intends. which isnt rly a concern on the Queer Neurodivergent Webbed Site™ so like. make/reblog as many memes as u want i dont want to come across as telling ppl to stop. but I worry about the twitter/discord campaigns I see and the potential of having the Opposite than intended effect

#NGL THO I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF THAT IGN REVIEW #LIKE IDK WHAT TO DO WHEN IT GETS ACTUALLY GOOD PRESS #IF YOU READ MY WORDS AS SUPPORT FOR JKR. I WILL KILL U #not putting this in my text tag #idk folks yall said to stop blowing up jkr’s tweets for instance #but then a lot of ppl make a Lot of noise about her game #harry potter// #jk rowling/// #this is Not telling ppl to do things a certain way #but i think it might be worth it to rly think about if what ur saying before its said #and why ur saying it #AND IF U DO AND UR LIKE YEA IM DOING GOOD or maybe THIS IS HELPFUL FOR ME - THAN BY ALL MEANS #ALSO IF U READ MY WORDS AS SUPPORT OR A FREE PASS FOR THE HP GAME. I WILL KILL YOU!!!!

[0uterspacew0rm]

guys. guys I'm drunk. should I msg him (my old best friend who i fell out with permanently and horribly 8 whole months ago)

#idk he might have me blocked #worth a shot right #i literally start thinking like yhis every time i drink #pathetic rly #no but someone stop me. hes incredinly male and is low key a pos but he was my best friend he knew me better thsn anyone i care abt him sm #but i hated him more than anything. but then im also a pos just in a different way #and i have 0 friends i feel like i dont exist most of the time. no one knows anythung abt me. no ones on my side #and i just feel like if i never see him again ill jever have a friendship yhats deeoer than maybe an aquaintance bc weve known each other #for an entire decade #even if i wasnt a boring socially incompetent loser whose been called weird my entite life it wiukd take so much fuckig time to build any #kind of bond with anyoje #i just feel like. yeah j hate him. but hes the only person wholl ever rly get me #who ill ever truly know. like maybe we deserve each other yk #but then also. i cant deal w men. i just can't #idk i orobably wont do anything abt it. i always get like this #whats yhat post on here abt an essential part of being a tumblr user is the occasional pathetic personal post? yeah this is mine #sorry but im not

[v3nusxsky]

Peer pressure

*Authors note~ I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get to this love I hope it's okay*

Trigger warnings~ peer pressure, alcohol drugs stick and pokes easily led r and depression

Prompt~ Hey idk rly how requests work but I wanted to request a lesso x reader H&C fic -where the reader kinda has like a mental breakdown cuz their friends keep pressuring them into like drinking and drugs and stick and pokes and they're just tired of doing stuff they don't really wanna be doing and having to hide it from everyone- idk just some personal issues I'm going through that I need some comfort for if u do write it id really appreciate it and I don't really want credit but it's fine if u don't do ya thanks also I love ur writing it helps me a lot so thanks for that <3 requested by mystery272722 on wattpad

You'd always been told you were easily led. In a world full of Shepard's and sheep, you were undoubtedly a sheep. A follower of anyone really. You aimed to please, and if you didn't you worried you'd lose the person or that you'd somehow lost your worth. This is what made you vulnerable and easy to exploit, despite knowing that you were powerless to stop. Seeking validation and friendship and finding it in the wrong crowd.

You liked to think you were a good student, as good as a never can be anyway. But this new group of friends you found yourself in seemed to be the complete opposite. The first hint was when they encouraged you to go drinking. You didn't really want to drink, alcohol wasn't your thing, but every time you said no your friends would keep pushing you to. That night you ended up caving and telling them "just one" which ended up being an awful amount, so much so you had no idea just how much alcohol was floating around in your system. The hangover you were going to have in the morning would be one hell of a bitch to deal with. Yet your friends were no where to be seen in the morning, probably off nursing their own hangovers. You promised yourself you'd be stronger next time.

The next time was when a few of them decided to get high. It wasn't something you ever wanted to try, you had no interest and truly you hated the smell of it. Yet you still wish d to keep your friends so you went with them, knowing you'd told them you wouldn't be smoking. Oh how wrong you'd been. They let you get comfortable before adding on the pressure, goading and taunting you into smoking with them. "Don't be a baby, it's just a little smoke" they whined watching as you coughed and spluttered after taking a hit. It tasted god damn awful, you didn't understand why anyone would want to do this willingly. Upset with yourself for not being stronger you managed to break away from the group.

The third time they were doing stick and pokes. You didn't want one, if you were going to get tattoos then it would be done in a shop by a trained professional, not some drunk and high 17 year old in the schools classroom. Truly you wondered why they choose to set up here, after all a classroom? But you left them too it, until the pressure became too much. "It doesn't even hurt why are you such a whimp" the whined trying to catch you and put you in the chair. "No thank you. I don't want to" you whimpered trying to stand up to them only to fail. They'd caught you and held you still in the chair.

Just as the needle pierced the skin and you let out a pained cry. That cry alerted Leonora Lesso to come and see the room, the sight that met her truly broke her heart. Your so-called friends holding you down as you cried. Instantly, she began barking orders at you all, dismissing the unnecessary students before ensuring they let you go. You were instantly up, out of the chair and into her arms. Your sobs wrecked your body as you clutched your arm to your body. Her hand soothingly ran up and down your spine before instructing your friends to be taken to the doom room. Maybe if you were willing to have the stick and poke she could've turned a blind eye, but seeing how distressed you were she knew they had to be punished.

"Sweetheart, you should never be forced into something you don't want to do. And if your friends don't listen to you Angel then they aren't good friends to have" she finished her little speech she dropped a quick sweet kiss to your head before asking to see your arm. You allowed her too and she gently healed the small pokes. "There sweetheart it never happened, if anything should ever happen like this I want you to come and find me okay Angel" you nodded in conformation that you would before just soaking in her motherly embrace.

Word count~ 861

#fanfic #lady lesso #sfgae #leonora lesso #lady lesso x reader #lesso x reader #lady leonora lesso #leonora lesso x reader #dean of evil #lady lesso x you #anon request

[gokartkid]

maxiel— lawyers au (max recently said he would be a lawyer if he wasn’t a driver lol.. idk it made me think of succession au even tho not rly related but similar vibes!!)

this ask is actually perfect because did you know my comfort show forever and for life is suits XOXOXO

max as a first-year-associate on that GRIND (put to work doing all the research that everyone else doesn't want to do) and daniel's just a bit higher up in the food chain re: he keeps coming over to max's desk to chat to him which max is at first like can u pls shut up and let me work 😭 but then daniel is yk eating his salad talking shit and he looks over maxs shoulder and says hey wait-- look. thats a major discrepancy (because when max talks as well he is listening, while he's making fun of him!)

daniel giving max tips and tricks re: yeah no dont even try talking to helmut if you see him have more than 3 coffees in the morning lol not worth it you'll get shut down. DO talk to christian if he's got his door open, and especially if he's had a meeting with toto-- he'll be so out of it he says yes to anything you ask about

max staying late because FUCK he has to get this pro bono case done and it, like, sucks, and he still doesn't know what the fuck billable hours are-- and he thinks he's all by himself until daniel rocks up with a pizza and is like. STOP. right now. you need brain food, like, yesterday. come on. ill help you out (working thru the night in the case library oooh)

daniel fucking it up in a trial and-- he's having a crisis suddenly and suddenly MAX is the one that can help HIM because "daniel of course I have been following your case you've been so stressed and look-- on page 28 there is this clause--" and they winnn!!! or whatever. im not a lawyer btw

max clearly getting on the partner track and daniel is getting. defffinitely feelings for him but they are-- also definitely discouraged from having relationships within the company let alone-- like, daniel doesn't want max to get any weird nepotism or fucking-your-way-up accusations and theres like a drunken moment where they kiss maybe, and max is suddenly like oh! oh wow i have feelings for daniel, whereas daniel is kind of at the end of this journey of "yup i definitely 100% have feelings for max. fuck. fuck fuck fuck." (also like. homophobia or whateverr they work at one of those pinkwashing rainbow tick companies but yk very "oh we have a gay employee (one)" :))

and so daniel... leaves! VERY shock news because ppl were like, oh suuurely he'll become a junior partner at some point in the next few years-- and its like, rlly shocking AND he has to not work for 3-6 months or smth because of sensitive client info and like, he has to start new at this new company (renault vibes) now and max feels like, horribly betrayed because obviously daniel didn't talk to him about it and-- why didnt he talk to him about it???

and daniel gets caught up in the move and sorting out his life and everything as well so he barely has the time to talk to max or to contact him or anything let alone like, examine his feelings now that a relationship would be POSSIBLE. anyway long story short: max feeling betrayed, daniel trying to see him again but only managing to do it in passing at like, trial overlap times they have and max is avoiding him because to HIM thats the clearest rejection you could get! (can't think thru a reconcile now but they do, and its hard, but then theyre lawyers in love or WHATEVERRR)

send me an au and ill make up some headcanons!

#srry this became like massive its kind of fun thoooo.... #maxiel #mv33 #dr3 #my fic #asks #f1 rpf #lawyer au

[cleostoohot]

ok so this is a success story and maybe motivational idk anywaysss, my father has been abusive towards my family since as long as I can remember like even before my siblings and i were born, and he even turned my moms family members and his family against her so she was truly alone and he manipulayed her into thinking that it's all her doing and so on, anyways the pandemic happened and he got even worse idek how that was possible but he did and then in april he had to go on a business trip ( that was about the time i learned about the law)., and my mom would hang up the phone anytime he tried to call and i was scared but i kept affirming that he would no longer be able to bother my family and i anymore, and the 3d would seem to not be listening to my affirmations cuz the absolute opposite began to happen like he would call my siblings and i and would forcefully tell us to give her the phone but we didnt obviously and but i kept pwrsisting even if it looked like nothing was working then he called my moms work and threatened to kill her and her coworkers and although it was a terrible thing to happen it rly helped my family and i's case because we were able to finally get a restraining order and all that because of it, and i didn't even know that the restraining order went through because i didn't want to be fully aware of it all cuz the whole thing just stressed me out so much like id even get terrible nightmares that made me feel paralyzed every time i woke up, but yh i didn't even know all that happened until a few days ago when my mom finally told me, like apparently we had the restraining order since my bday which was on may 25 so imagine my surprise,,anyways i hope this was helpful to someone all i rly did was persist through it all even if it all seemed so bleak and at first i was hesitant to put my manifestation skills to the test cuz i disnt feel prepared but i just pushed myself and it worked and it was SOOOOOO worth it i don't think i've ever felt that type of relief before i literally cried for the rest of the day when i found out, so just stop questionning it all sm i promise you all it's worth it!!!!

“all i rly did was persist through it all even if it all seemed so bleak”

this is literally what we all tell you guys to do! persist through it because y’all be letting little things stop you and don’t get to experience the success.

thank you so much for this success story! so proud🧡🫶🏽

#anonsuccess

[yuukei-yikes]

Haruka's cringe compilation also includes him seeing Ene, probably thinking she looks very pretty, but instead of rekindling his high school romance he's living through the worst adaptation of "new phone who dis" ever conceived by man or snake

LMAOOO please and in that point in time haruka also technically spent a lot of time watching konoha try to get hibiya and hiyori out of the timeloop for god knows how long. we dont talk abt this enough. haruka can see everything konoha sees so like... erm. bitch also saw these kids getting killed over and over. lol! (descent into insanity complete as i think abt haruka and hibihiyo dynamic post str)

so like. last haruka saw of takane was her dead body, he had no reason to NOT think she wasn't in a similar state as him. like in some limbo place. bc tbh does haruka even know where he is... and from watching everything thru konoha he might know as much as kenjirou being a danger but that's it. cuz we don't know if he ever explicitly did anything to reveal in front of konoha that he is not Really kenjirou. ofc there are the hcs that the people inside the daze move freely and can see each other but personally i never interpreted it like this. i like the hc theyre all alone bc makes for better post str angst and i like the idea that ayano CAN do this but doesn't because she is too upset she could not save haruka and takane and is too ashamed to face haruka. and also something something self punishment i dont deserve to hang out with my friend and receive updates from what he can see with awakening eyes (but doesnt stop to think it'd be nice for haruka to have someone). i think ayano probably shows up to haruka at least once Largely based on his line in the eighth novel when she appears. he says "she was always unannounced" or something like that and yeah maybe he meant back then when they were alive ayano had always been kind of sudden and unexpected idk lol but i like to interpret it as in ayano suddenly showing up in haruka's daze like. hi. (cries a lil bit then immediately leaves)

ERM. SORRY I GOT SIDETRACKED. LIKE ALWAYS. i think haruka Knows where he is bc ayano told him, but it's also so appealing to me that he's just confused the whole 2 years (plus the 10 years it feels he's watching hibiya and hiyori die) cuz. heh. angst. but yeah i think he'd know but not much (until konoha meets the dan yknow)

ANYWAYS YEAH my point was he just went through all that, been alone for 2 years plus all the time worth in the hibihiyo timeloop and finally. HE GETS TO SEE TAKANE. except he is not really himself and konoha is just making her freak out and cry and haruka's just having a mental breakdown bc he's been in this place for so damn long where he cant feel tired or sleep or eat and he is just laying there in a room perfectly designed to fit his worst nightmare like he is by all means dead but alive enough to be tortured like this lolllll and now he gets to see the person he's been begging to see all this time like YOU KNOW in the third novel the first konohas state of the world chapter he says "if i had a final wish i would reach out to that girl who used to yell at me all the time" (insanity) like i truly think the i want to see you takane bit from the anime is from there. anyways. the fact that line happens while konoha is actively trying to stop the timeloop for hibiya and hiyori AUGGHH

um. yeah he gets to see her again. but all his other self is doing is making her cry lmaooo

but also i think haruka is rly touched that takane refuses to see konoha as him and calls him a fake LOL bc haruka hates konoha bc it acts so much like him, clueless to those around him and just being a burden but takane refuses to see it as haruka because it's NOT haruka like she knew immediately it wasn't him. and maybe from takane's pov its just her in denial of haruka having his memories erased but still she was right, it wasnt haruka in his body. and i think he would be so touched abt this (which is why he's so desperate for her company post str not only for obvious reasons like he loves takane and he was alone for god knows how long inside the daze but ALSO BECAUSE.. everyone else became great friends with konoha and he feels so bad replacing it and fears the dan resents him hehehehehfhejdjjdjfiekdkoeoeo

#ask tag #kagenalysis

[jdopes-recorder]

Not little rant pls ignoreee

Literally giving you so much time to scroll past

Stop scrolling

Well you asked for it:

Im feeling kinda lonely here :/

There's moots and blogs I like that are so talented and cool so obv they get a lot of asks and interactions

They all must be getting them cuz they do something, right

What do I even do here?

I reblog sfuff.

I know that reblogs mean a lot to the writers but still.

I've literally posted one headcanon but that was from some surge of confidence and I don't like anything I've sort of written other than that. Ones with serious topics and scenarios. I'm not good at conveying that stuff. My writing is like an examination essay, pretty bad with bringing emotions and more descriptive.I have ideas but I'm not good at writing.

Idk what to make edits and gifs.

I dont do those 'relatable thoughts' that I see everywhere.

Am I even worth much to the people I interact with? Probably not tbh there's nothing great abt me

The one I was closest to here for the most was aster but then she deactivated suddenly and I didn't even know why so I had to ask rin.... It sounds stupidly selfish but I just wish aster had let me know before she left bcz it was such a shock. I was gonna ask her smthg and I went to our messages and it said it was deactivated.

It was just a lot to process and I miss her a lot.

I'm not rly doing anything worthwhile here tho am I?

What do I bring to this platform?

Nothing really

I do moodboards sometimes but I haven't for like two months cuz it takes quite a bit of time and patience and I don't have that kind of stuff rn

It feels pretty pathetic actually, to see your moots posting awesome stuff that literally move my soul while I do nothing.

I suppose sometimes I may make them happy a bit

Maybe

I always try my best to leave feedback on all writing works I read and I know how much that means to them

I've only posted one thing and the few reblogs I got and their tags mean so much so I wanna do that for others.

But it feels.... Weird and sad to be this unproductive here.

Kinda feels like I don't belong in a place like this where there are so many talented creative wonderful people.

I'm not rly thinking about it but, if I deactivated my blog, what great thing will be gone with me? Moots may be a bit :( but they'll definitely find many another blogs that are equally cool to interact with right? Right.

Ok well that was the most I've ever showed my feelings here... Weirdddd

#feels like im the one reaching out to interact most of the time.... does that mean ppl dont wanna interact with me #cld just be me and my self depreciating and bombarding ways #keep thinking ppl dont like me much and just answer cuz they feel like they have to #like... i see moots getting a lotta asks and interactions and stuff #probably cuz i dont post fics right #cuz then you get a lot more traction and boost which leads to more interactions? #i dont wanna be that annoying person that keeps bugging people #~bell rants #prolly delete later

[chocosvt]

hi choco… how are u? i’m writing here for the first time bc i need to share something that’s making me crazy rn.. a few days ago me and my friends went to my best friend’s house for a sleepover and we all ended up drinking and getting wasted yk… and then my best friend’s brother and his friends joined us too. tbh, i never rly denied it but her brother is so handsome like….. VERY VERY HANDSOME. so when we were all drinking, i knew i wasn’t sober AT ALL n so i started flirting with him omfg. keep in mind that i’ve never had a proper conversation with him, so everyone was surprised that we were talking a lot that night. AND YK… he kept flirting back *head in hands* he even gave me his phone number and wanted to share his ice cream with me and shit… bro had me giggling like a highschooler, i was going crazy (literally, bc he was also shirtless haha…). when we were about to go to sleep, he kept whining and asking my best friend if i could sleep with him on his bed. i think it took them almost an hour to say that i wasn’t going to sleep with him help…… overall it was a crazy night and the morning after when my friends told me what happened I WAS EMBARRASSED AS FUCK.

bc i’m very shy when sober LOL. he was the last one to wake up n OFC he sat next to me and started teasing me… he was like “do i have to make you drink again for you to talk to me?” 😭 i swear all of this just reminded me of your joshua’s best friend’s brother fic too.. CUZ WHY CAN’T I STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM NOW… i know we were both drunk but fuck... i want to text him so bad but i’m too shy and ik he’s never going to like me i’m hahshwhsjshahshsjs .

um um um um um um um um um um

TBH! i think it was a good decision to not sleep in his bed LOL bc obviously when you're inebriated your judgement isn't the most concrete and i would hate for you to make a foggy decision you might have the possibility of regretting? esp cuz you said you've never rly talked before! he seemed kinda pushy for it to happen and idk if he was as equally drunk as you but UM JUST BE CAREFUL OF THE POWER DYNAMIC like ahhhhh i don't want you to be taken advantage of or anything!

i definitely understand wanting to chase that high of being in the moment. but you have his number so you can easily text him and establish more ground. like maybe he was interested in you pre sleep over and yknow "liquid courage" so you two had more initiative to talk! but yeah overall i think your friends made the right call! it's okay to be shy and it's normal to get looser when you drink!! obviously don't rely on alcohol as a crutch to gain confidence but yeah if you think it's worth pursuing then texting him won't hurt!

#feel like i'm consoling one of my girlie friends after a night at the club or wtv 🥴 #i look at everything with a rly cautious nature and it's harder for me to make judgements #since i wasn't there i wouldn't get all the nuances and tone #but yeah idk shoot him a text like heyyyy what did u mean by that #good luck!! #n: moonbeam #t: choco's letters

[fencesandfrogs]

i think the point is, whether or not having to plan around your mom's emotions is bad in a particular scenario kind of depends on the consequences of not doing so.

if the consequences involve her removing access to some basic need, then it's bad because your mom is responsible for providing those and that responsibility should not be conditioned on your behavior.

so i think the crux of the issue, based on what little of the discussion i've seen, is that you do not believe "not getting yelled at for being irresponsible" is something you inherently deserve from your mom, while others around you do.

i also think a possible miscommunication could be happening here; afaik the issue is not "you being irresponsible" necessarily but "you have no memory of what happened to the previous money" which given you have documented memory problems, would pull into question whether yelling at you for that is fair or reasonable.

so when you say "my mom yelling at me for being irresponsible doesn't stop my needs from being met" and others say "your mom yelling at you for being irresponsible is not meeting your needs"

they're maybe actually saying "your mom yelling at you for symptoms of mental illness is not meeting your needs"

so like. idk your life well enough to judge. but i think the question is a) is it irresponsibility or Symptoms (or both)? and b) does yelling at you for symptoms (esp if they're outside your control) count as not meeting your needs?

(also idk if you are counting emotional needs in this discussion. but. as someone who didn't for a really long time and then learned i have neglect-related trauma, it might be worth considering if you're not)

anon i cannot thank you enough for this ask because i've been so confused about this discussion. i was joking with my friends, like, i've seen people have this moment on tumblr before, and i've always been sympathetic, but always like...here hold on screenshot

[transcript: me watching [redacted] do this: i see that you're legitimately confused but i don't know how anyone could break it down any clearer.

me doing this: what the fuck are people saying to me /end transcript]

and now i'm like. "you are all explaining things to me clearly with good words and i should be able to understand them, but i can't."

urgh my hands are cold i know you will experience no time gap but i have to do dishes so i will.

the crux of the issue ... is that you do not believe "not getting yelled at for being irresponsible" is something you inherently deserve from your mom

yeah, pretty much? not that. urgh i'll feel guilty if i don't bring this up but my mom doesn't yell so much as. make you feel like you got yelled at without raising her voice. i've been saying "yell" because there's no short way of saying what she does, and the emotional impact is the same. (source: i've been thru both)

okay that guilt avoided.

anyway yeah, you summed that up pretty well. like...the need is still met if she yells at me. i don't have some inherent right to not get yelled at. she feeds me. that's the need. closed loop.

the issue is not "you being irresponsible" necessarily but "you have no memory of what happened to the previous money"

i don't think i have much to say this was just. an angle i hadn't looked at it from before? i think i've been rly focused on my mom and i know that she doesn't rly care about that kind of thing? she didn't care abt it when i was a kid at least. whenever i complained abt my memory she told me not to make excuses. so like.

i dunno. i feel like it's still irresponsible of me? i doubt i spent it on anything essential. i know when i spent money on some fun stuff i specifically texted my mom and asked her to pull from my savings for that, because i was spending on fun stuff. so like. even if i don't remember it, it's still the same problem?

hm. this whole post will get the commentary welcome tag but i'm specifically saying if people have thoughts on this i'd like to hear them.

they're maybe actually saying "your mom yelling at you for symptoms of mental illness is not meeting your needs"

hm.

urgh i feel all turbulent and weird about this. it's like i know i've said all different things about this? to everyone. to my therapist and my friends and on this blog.

i don't.

sorry i'm feeling really staticky.

okay took a little break because my brain was getting soupy. i think you're right about this, although...i dunno. ig intellectually i get why they're upset, but it feels hard to be upset about it. for whatever reason, i can't apply the rules i'd apply to other people to myself. i don't know why. that's just...how things are.

a) is it irresponsibility or Symptoms (or both)? and b) does yelling at you for symptoms (esp if they're outside your control) count as not meeting your needs?

things to talk about with my therapist, presumably. i'm certainly not finding answers to this all tonight. mostly putting this here to highlight it for later.

idk if you are counting emotional needs in this discussion

honestly i don't even know.

i don't really see all of this as a "basic" need. like, if i accept the premise as true, that she isn't supposed to be like this, i still don't think this is about basic needs. i have food, water, and shelter. i'm getting an education. i have healthcare. idk what my list of basic needs would be, but this whole deal wouldn't be on them.

sigh.

i kinda wanna cry and call my mom about this but i can't call her about her :(

#ask #anon #mine #disorderposting #commentary welcome #ty again for this ask #it really helped a lot #i'm now sad but that's not ur fault lol #i knew the risks #bonus ramble: #it's also like #if i call my mom i think she'd tell me i'm being silly for all of this #like if i just texted her i'd have money and this whole thing would be a non issue #but i can't do it #bc i get all panicky #:( #really want to thank u this was very helpful #i'm gonna keep working thru things probably

[analanaisdying]

Rant

~

~

Tell me why whenever someone tells me they like me or whatever they immediately get so ugly to me and I start being repulsed by them

Like wtf is wrong with me ????

This is specifically men tho btw i haven’t experienced this w women but no I am not a lesbian so don’t start. Im pan.

But Fr like, im kinda talking to this guy I met on tinder and im now like super annoyed and slowly getting repulsed by him?? Which is interesting cuz usually it’s immediately but maybe it’s slower cuz I swiped right after initially finding him decently attractive ? Idk.

Idk it’s so complicated. Like I could psychoanalyze it and stuff but I literally just ??? Like idk. I don’t have the mental energy to try and figure out another behaviour of mine on my own in my head.

But overall I think it’s a mix of a few things—- the first being that I feel like none of the people around me are good enough for me or like, I’m just straight up not attracted to anyone in my life rn. And so it’s like when someone confesses feelings for me I’m like, sorry what?? U think you’re good enough to be with me??? And Ik that’s not a good trait but I legit dk how to stop it. But I also think like, it’s not the worst thing in the world for me? Cuz I have a rly RLY bad history of being with people who are so shitty and not good enough for me and etc etc and this is kinda like me realizing my own worth in a way?? I just wish I could be less gross and toxic about it. The second thing is that I feel like I need to be with someone very obviously hotter and better than my ex. Because I feel the need to prove my worth and that I’m not his anymore by doing exceptionally better than him. Which tbh is legit anyone given the fact that he a nearly middle aged pedophile broke coke addict. But still. Idk. I have this weird image/idea of him in my head I can’t kick because of shit. And ig that’s why I feel like no one is better than him ig. And also that I compare legit everyone and everything to him even though he’s a literal sack of shit. The third I think is that I just don’t want to be in a relationship rn maybe?? Like I’m happy by myself. Like yeah it would be really nice to have someone and sex and everything but I feel like I’m just in a spot rn where I just like, don’t want to focus on dating or even have the energy to do that. And I also really don’t want to meet someone online cuz god it’s so hard and such a confidence killer cuz everyone on there just wants one mf thing like 99% of the time and if they don’t I’m not attracted to them. But legit always the second I start focusing on myself a million ppl always find their way into my life and catch feelings etc and I’m just like … what???? Idfk man. But also I feel like I just don’t have the emotional capacity rn to have strong romantic feelings for someone? Like I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to genuinely like someone. So I guess I’m just super horny and rly want sex. But I’m also not gonna go have a one night stand or fuck someone random etc cuz I only have one body and it’s my pedo ex and it took me a YEAR of his shit to finally sleep with him so I’m like, yeah that’s not gonna work for me. To have sex I need to be in love with someone deadass. And with them long term. This is so fucking annoying. But also whatever it’s not rly that big of a deal I’m just super annoyed by it all.

[tequatls-favorite-spoon]

ok. i have been Thinking about onyx’s relationships. and i’m pretty decided now that she’s gonna be poly, mostly bc she works so well with so many characters, and also they all look so cute together <3 but now i’m trying to figure the like. timeline of things??? and hoo boy

i’ll make the full timeline in a separate post, but i’ll sum up stuff real quick here. onyx was in love with trahearne, tragically that didn’t work out cuz he died rip. she’s real sad for a while, so she ignores the beginnings of some feelings for braham and caithe. after kralk, she and canach have a brief and casual fling, and then onyx ends up falling for jayrim while hanging out in elona. they eventually have to split up, especially with onyx having to leave elona and jayrim wanting/having to stay. during ibs, onyx’s old crush on braham pretty much punches her in the face. when he becomes primordus’ champ, onyx is SUPER worried about him. when she finds him alive after the fight, she gets rly emotional, like telling him how much she cares about him and stuff. she knows her feelings are more than a lil crush now, but refrains from making a move bc braham needs some time to recover (both physically and emotionally). in eod, caith and onyx have some real cute moments as aurene’s moms, i think jayrim pops up again with the corsairs here, and i really like the idea of onyx asking out braham after the engagement party. the big issue now though, is that i feel like caithe and onyx should have started dating after onyx and jayrim dated, but before onyx has her big Feelings Epiphany with braham at the end of ibs. that basically just leaves me with ibs as the timeframe, which is rough bc i don’t think caithe shows up during ibs at all?

ok. so. i’ve thought of two options rn. one: onyx meets up with caithe after leaving elona, and that’s when they start dating. two: they spend time together in the eye of the north and end up dating

this got. really long lol. so my rambling is below the cut! ur welcome lol. also if u just wanna see what i ended up going with, i put a silly lil diagram at the bottom o7

option one works, but i feel like onyx would have left elona bc of the start of ibs? like she leaves because she has to go to the charr rally thing. i guess maybe she could’ve still had time to swing by the grove and hang out with caithe? but idk. i could just make up some other reason that onyx had to leave, like maybe her family or something? ok, that has some promise!

option two feels a bit more possible to me, but i’m also not super sure how much caithe was at eotn during ibs. also, there was a lot of war stuff happening so idk if they would’ve had time for dating?

ok i’m kinda leaning towards option one now… like, onyx gets contacted by her family that they need her to come back for like a wedding, or to celebrate an achievement of one of her siblings? one’s trying to be a minister, one’s in the seraph, and another one is a priest, so any one of them could have done something cool enough to warrant onyx going back to see them. (also i promise i didn’t forget jasper, around this point in time he’d too busy partying to do anything worth onyx coming home for lol) so with onyx going back, she says that while it’ll be a long time, she’ll come back to elona afterwards! or, if jayrim wanted to… she could come with? and jayrim tells her that this has been great, and she loves onyx and all, but she can’t stop being a corsair. and onyx can’t stop being the commander. either way, this isn’t gonna work out forever, so… maybe it’s best if they end it now. and so they agree to break up but they’re both sad about it :(

so then maybe onyx and caithe starts as a kind of rebound thing? like they run into each other, and start hanging out. and hm! she’s feeling some things! onyx thinks back to their talks together as they took care of bb aurene, and now that she thinks about it, she might have had some feelings for caithe at the time? and these current weird feelings feel a lot like those?? wait has she been kinda in love with caithe this whole time??? and then they start dating :3c

also, i think onyx and caithe would talk about braham during or after ibs? bc like, i want onyx to be kinda freaking out over her feelings for braham, but i don’t want her to be kind of cheating on caithe :/ so maybe they have a convo early on about like, possibly being a poly/open relationship? i could see onyx thinking about this since she just had that whole thing with jayrim, so maybe at the time she’d be kinda hoping to get back together someday? either way, i feel like caithe would be pretty open to it, cuz i’m sure sylvari aren’t that monogamous. i feel like caithe would just want onyx to run it by her before she adds somebody yknow? and she’d run it by onyx if she liked anyone! tho i don’t think she would? i think caithe wouldn’t really be looking for another partner. like, i think caithe would like a monogamous relationship, but she’s also ok with a poly one, especially if they keep up good communication and that onyx doesn’t like, forget about her or something. yeah. i think that the idea they’d have for their relationship at first is that caith would be dating onyx, who would also be dating braham, and then also jayrim. but then caithe and jayrim would start dating eventually too :)

OH ALSO!!! i could always add yao…. bc im Love Them. and i could see them dating onyx and braham… oohhhhhhh that’s so cuteeeee….. lol and then the polycule is two triangles, which is kinda fun!

ok tldr ig. the polycule is eventually gonna be this: caithe is dating jayrim and onyx, who are dating too, and onyx is also dating braham and yao, who also are dating too :3c here is a diagram

#regan rambles #long post #onyx velazquez #jayrim beastcharmer #caithe #braham eirsson #zhou yao #i think i’ll tag them with their full name?? #sure idk #i wonder if i should do that thing other ppl do where they have like a thing to mark their tags? #like tagging ‘c: caithe’ instead of just ‘caithe’ #anyway #yeah i originally had a tentative timeline here too #but that made this INSANELY long #and also i figured out roughly where i want onyx/caithe to go after i’d already typed up the whole timeline lol #so i wanna redo part of it anyway #so that’ll be a separate post ✌️ #kiiiinda hope this doesn’t just pop up in the canon character tags? #mostly cuz it’s so stupid long lol

[magnoliamyrrh]

How do you deal with self-harm urges?

(tw talk of different things ive used to self harm)

i still struggle with it a lot of times still, with the urges that is, and every once in awhile i do relapse (sometimes less sometimes really bad), but thankfully ive been able to go months on end without doing it, or i think sometimes like a year and a half or maybe more? i started cutting when i was 12, so frankly im a bit impressed w myself for the times ive been able to stop after so many years. ive found thankfully that the longer you go without, the more the urges to keep doing it go down

and uhhh idk. several things i guess?

sometimes (often if its rly bad) ill scratch myself w my nails (not drawing blood just irritating the skin and it kinda hurts) and sometimes that makes it go away, its enough pain to calm me down without permanent damage. i know ppl say to use icecubes and ive tried a couple of times but it really doesn't work for me - glad it does for others. uhm ill try to go take really hot showers until i calm down, that tends to work. sometimes ill try to just,,,,, this may sound stupid but if something in particular triggers me and i feel the urge, i try to remain either physically paralized or try to distract myself w anything until it passes; harder said than done. listening to loud music in headphones also kinda helps w that sometimes. every once in awhile ill try to do something like tear apart paper or some other thing and sometimes that does something?

and tbh this isnt good but smoking cigarettes makes me do it a bit less. but like Do Not Do This, i actually consider cigarettes to be a MUCH Much worse form of self harm than a lot of cutting. because end of the day if youre careful, cutting leaves you with scars only. cigs can absolutely wreck your health long term and its a horrible addiction. just because its more socially acceptable than cutting doesnt mean its not more dangerous; ive actually had plenty of psychs and therapists agree w me on this one

hmm. ill try to go for a walk, if i can, until the worse of the urge passes. or alternatively i will go and drive around aimlessly listening to music until they pass. sometimes if the urge isnt super super strong, i also find that it helps to draw - ive been using vent art as a way to cope for years, and sometimes drawing cuts or scars on a representation of myself gets that urge a little bit out of me

....... i feel like doing psychadelics really helped me do this less and quit many times - they make you not really wanna hurt yourself and love yourself and take care of yourself better, while also dealing w the underlining issues and mechanisms which lead to the urge in the first place

....i try to keep in mind that it doesnt truly help. its not worth it. maybe it gives some temporary satisfaction or release, but it doesnt Really help. its a vicious cycle you enter in many times, when you start disliking yourself even more for cutting and feel even worse, and then you cut yourself again over that...... i try my best to keep in mind that punishing myself like that doesnt help anything and that i dont deserve it, and i try to keep in mind that taking out my emotional pain or frustration like that on myself doesnt really help either.... long term, it will just make it worse - and is that really what i want?

its good to learn too, how to not put yourself down for cutting once you do it or relapse, bc that just leads to spiraling. it happened, its okay, it is what it is, no need to feel bad over it or start throwing insults at yourself over it...... its hard, but it helps to try to be gentle with yourself

...something else that helps me do it less too at times is that lol, i have chronic pain. i am already in pain all the time - do i really want to add more on top of that? havent i had enough of the pain?........sometimes when ive relapsed its been a way to cope with the pain actually, to have control over when and how i feel pain and to feel a different kind of pain but.... tbh, after doing that enough times i just got fed up with it. pain is pain, and most days of my life i have plenty of it to deal with anyway..... also figured out that if i cut too much, it sets my nervous system on fire and it makes my chronic pain worse, so that's also a reason to not do it

.... i also try to not keep things i can cut with in the house - meaning that if i Really want to, ill have to drive to the store to buy blades, which i think is a good way to give yourself some time to maybe calm down or snap out of it or change your mind. Theres times when the urge is so strong and i just say fuck it and go buy them, but it takes more time and commitment to do that. This helped me bc theres been many times when i would have very likely cut if i had access to them, but bc i didnt and i didnt wanna do it bad enough to warrant a drive, i ended up not doing it....... this also works bc i dont personally cut with knives (even with the sharpest knives ive never been able to do it consistently and properly enough to feel satisfying, and i think my weak muscles and joints make it harder for me in particular, so i cant rly use them), meaning i have to rely on either pencil sharpener blades, or actual razor blades...... sometimes i think its better to buy pencil sharpeners bc, again, they make it harder (you have to take the time to take the pencil sharpener apart and take the blade out, and these blades go dull a lot quicker than razor blades - so the first one gives you more time to think it through and maybe stop and not do it, while the other one means you wont be able to do as much damage for as long of a time bc it will become harder and harder to cut)......... i also used to, when i was younger, cut with shaving razors (like the ones for legs) but this is something i grew out of because i really dont like the stinging and way it cuts the skin,,, so; yea, i think not keeping a supply of cutting things in the house helps a lot of times

..... sometimes its the dissociation that helps me, but thats not really something everyones brain does. but you can try to think of yourself as, lets say, your friend - if your friend felt like how you feel in that moment and wanted to cut, would you want them to? what would you tell them, how would you comfort them, and what would you suggest they do instead?

idk if any of this was helpful at all, sorry, but yea;; i think a combination of all of those things have helped me to quit many times, and... it really does get easier to not do it and to not think abt it as often the longer you go without doing it. also, sometimes it does help to call a hotline! not always, but ive done it a handful of times (mainly for combination of suicide + sh urges), and there were indeed times when i came across v caring and understanding ppl which helped talk me down - so this may be an option to think abt. id also say if you can, calling a friend can be helpful, its something ive done too

and pls, if youre gonna keep cutting dont put yourself down over it, but be careful 🌸 always clean whatever youre using to do it before and afterwards with either soap or alcohol, always check if theres rust on it and never use something that has rust or metal of a weird colour, and after you wash them, make sure they are dry and store them in a place which is dry. or better - throw them out. always clean your wounds afterwards with warm water, and when youre able to handle it later with soap and water so they dont get infected. and its best to cover up deeper cuts so they can heal better with bandaids or medical gauze. and please please dont cut in areas where there are a lot of important and sensitive veins and tendos (like the inner wrist) - even if youre being careful, you dont want to take the risk of damaging something important like that. and please, if it ever gets rly out of hand and its not closing up, its too deep, or it gets infected, go to a doctor or a medical facility near you

.... and.. try to be gentle with yourself 💗 its really hard but its important. and if youre trying to quit, ask why it is you cut in the first place (bc pain calms you down, control, masochism, a way to get out overwhelming emotions, comfort, a cry for help or attention, self punishment etc etc), and try to find a way to work on whats driving the cutting in the first place, or to find a less harmful way to achieve a similar goal - i think thats something that helped me long term

take care of yourself and be careful 🌺 and if its something u struggle w youself, know that it is possible to stop and that it does get easier

[iloveyouw]

27 Oct 2022

i was hoping to meet u this week before TI cos weekend i not free liao, but if u dont have the capacity to meet is okay too. i enjoy mapling with u anyways.

im clean todayyyyy https://howlongagogo.com/date/2022/september/22 easy peasy

anyway if ure worried that i will find someone else then i can dont go, if u help me thats more than enough, maybe i go find some counselling. i keep saying but i dont dare to call sia idk why. :/ 

anyway i hope u read what i sent u in the afternoon. and just now when showering i was thinking like last year oct we prolly were at eggslut, and how u write down our mini dates then i thought to myself like, why did i not see that u also like me sia i was so stupid eh wie. but i really like like like like u alot back then alrd. then somehow bloomed into love and then became messy. i just want to love u sia ok but we can focus on the how now rather than the too lates. 

also, u are nothing like the other guys wie. NOTHING. initially maybe the infatuation or whatever nonsense was like the same la, yknow when u first meet a person and u get all sorts of butterfly if u like admire them. but with u it just stuck on all the way. dont know what about u but at the same time also know what about u. u never once judged me and undermined me or look down on me lor. and it was unconditional lor the kind of love u showed. u supoprt me all the way too.. maybe thats why. and ure funny and charming. plus ure rly rly good looking. 

i hope one day the thoughts will stop eating u up, i dont need things to go back to the way it was, we can create new magic, new future but i want to do it with u.

we dont have to rush things wie, i just hope im helping u a little by little. at least let me be with u and travel to u and buy u food. then we can talk about our future another time. idk im rambling. anyway i alrd thought of what i want to send u today. 

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

 do u want to watch this with me? 

also im not really tired, today and yesterday had hard time falling asleep i think cos i start taking the pill again. and the blood ive been bleeding i think its a pimple that burst. so nothing to worry about.

anyway, i give u 2 days to prepare urself cos we are going out friday to eat whatever u like (even if u cant fin) and do whatever u want. its a wiewie day. let me take u out?

lets do 2 days worth of things in 1 night although it will never be enough yknow, 2 days 2 years 20years its never enough. i need 20000. and theres nothing i wont do that allows me another day another minute with u. i wish we met 21 years ago.. thats 21 years of my life wasted not being with the love of my life... but its not too late right, we can do 21 and more from here if u like.

also also i hope that ure not tired of reading my thoughts cos its v all over the place and probably arent any help but i hope u see the change in me ><

also also, help or not, i just want to tell u everyday how much i love u ^~^ 

[neonstatic]

haven't spoken much with one friend of mine nowadays. it feels to me that we don't have a lot in common after all. ofc it doesn't help that we don't work together so it's giving object permanence. and he's the kind of person who gets into a relationship and kind of just...disappears in it? a little? which isn't entirely bad but idk how to kindly say that i also want to hang w him alone and not him and his girl.... without giving the impression that i'm dtf. but then i'm not sure what we'd talk abt bc i've stopped trusting him with my personal life ever since his piss poor responses in times when i needed emotional support and i have a hard time giving trust back once it's been broken habfkjab and i Don't Do Small Talk so it's created these situations where when we do end up alone for a moment there's just silence gajgbb and ever since i've started unmasking i don't force myself to fill in with useless chatter.

i'm thinking maybe he's getting the feeling too that he doesn't rly need me as a friend anymore? like we've fulfilled our jobs in each other's life. some ppl they just feel like that. they're made to pass thru. like i guess from him i learned that i do like men after all, but that i would never get intimate w a straight man of all ppl (which, btw, one of the best choices i've ever made for myself. will def never regret that one.) for him i i hope i did...smth. idk. i hope i was a comforting presence when he felt alone. i think i managed.

tbh i'm also worried that our friendship is forever tainted by this will-they-won't-they dance we've had going on, in which Nothing ended up happening. mostly bc of me. i know relationships can survive this but maybe ours can't? cus the last time he mentioned a three-way w his girl, he admitted that i was an option and like... well frankly i'm not into his gf so nvm that lmao but the thought that i'm always in the back of his mind a little? like yes he has a girl who loves him and they share interests and they seem to rly get each other... but at the end of the day he still wants a taste of that ass. sooo toxic of me to take this as a win. but yeah like i'm pretty sure we will never get intimate, at least never romantically, but then it also feels like it'll forever stretch on this ension between us. the what-ifs? completely pointless rly. it wouldn't have lasted and it wouldn't have been worth it. hope he realises that too.

hope it isn't too obvious to his gf either? that we have this tension going on. i mean it might just be me overthinking but i've learned that the gut feelings that last a while like this one are rarely baseless. but also i am not that reliable a narrator. like what if the gf noticed the tension and it's an unspoken rule that we can't hang out together alone? that would suck. i called him "darling" once (not the first time) and suddenly he said i can't call him that anymore. and not in a "i don't like it" way but in a "that isn't allowed" way which???? well if you don't like it, just say so, be direct. i can't fkg tell kjagkabgaj but i mean i won't do it anymore.

chances are he isn't thinking abt it as hard as i am. good for him cus goddamn

only reason why i'm thinking so hard abt it is. well. i kinda hoped we'd be friends for a lil longer? but that's ok. oh and i still rly like his sibling and believe we'll be friends for a while, and closer too maybe, so i feel like it's kinda awkward to be close and all to his sibling but not him? after everything? eh. wtv. it is what it is and all that

#ray says

[incessantwhine]

idk im rly tired of spending my energy chasing the attention of a person who is so beyond unavailable it’s not even funny and not focusing on what’s right in front of me.

i know being poly is all abt communication and is actually what works for me and my relationships but i am still incredibly possessive (even tho I beat it back w/ a stick) and literally loathe the idea of my gf hooking up w/ other girls. that’s literally 100% me being insecure but ik there are so many better options for her out there than me and im still a little terrified she’s gonna wake up one day and realize that.

and like im a little resentful of the fact that the only person i am remotely intimate with besides her is because it’s entirely transactional. like I literally pay for it. because it’s their job. and my gf can just get out there and do it organically with ppl that are physically here and i…cant.

i just need to get over this stupid crush. idk what im expecting to happen. im expecting nothing to happen, actually, which is why it’s so stupid. i don’t want to date this person. i don’t want their services for free. idk what I want from them at all, actually. for them to what? come out and say they have a crush on me? and then what? just be smug abt it? fly out to the PNW, abandon my life, and be a live in service sub at their beck and call? lmfao. be their long distance bff who they also enjoy fucking when they eventually make it to my area?? what does that do for anyone???

and yet. it still stings just a little bit when im just ‘a sub who im close to’. im thinking too deeply about it, i know, and it’s not worth it. i was never ever going to be more than that and nor do i even rly want to be, at the end of the day. even that position is incredibly unique and more than i ever bargained for tbh. i know my place is to stand on the sidelines and applaud them as they live their life and thrive, and maybe cheer them up and be supportive when they’re not feeling so well. that’s all (and it’s significant!). cheerleader and fan. to celebrate their victories with them and to cry for them when they are hurt. from a distance, in the periphery, but present always. a true friend, with no ulterior motives or secret wishes. something purer, something genuine. and the world needs more of that. and this person deserves that and i know i can be that; so Im going to. always. i like that. i love it, even. that’s a big word but i do. i am capable of so much love and so much good. it would be selfish to be stingy with it. especially with those I am fond of. i rly do think they’re a beautiful person and flawed in such fascinating ways but so kind and so lovely at their core. they contain multitudes. it’s kindness and rage. it’s impulsiveness and careful curation. it’s severity and softness. i adore the humanity of it all, the very things that make them who they are. there’s so much to learn from it, the complexities. no more complex than anyone else really, but still…it is a blessing to learn and see it all. it just so happens it’s with them. i wouldn’t want anything i do to push them away; not because of something as silly and petty as jealousy or it not being reciprocated to the same extent.

but it’s also the anxiety of not knowing when im going to get too comfortable, too familiar, and cross a line. they’re no strangers to that happening w/ others. i rly do my best to be so careful and not do that but i fear if i let myself relax, i will, and it will be Bad. i don’t want to be another bad client. all ive ever wanted is to be good, at my core. to be worthy and impact people’s lives positively. but i have a big mouth. and im so sensitive. I cross lines; im short sighted. i let things build until it’s uncontrollable. and i can’t just not take things to heart. I care and i refuse to stop because that’s the worst thing a person can do to themselves, i think. but it gives me such trouble. it makes me so uneasy. especially because I worry i feel and will act like ik this person too well—but really, im not sure i do. i don’t know that I’m any closer or any different than other subs. (id place money on the opposite). i don’t know who else is speaking to them at 3am. and I don’t know if it’s just because they’re bored, and lonely, and im the only reliable option they’ve got. or if it’s because they truly want to speak to me out of their myriad of options. i mean, i know the former has happened before. who’s to say it’s not the same now? i can’t. idk if they can either. when they meet someone who can offer everything i can, what place is there left for me?

just…I haven’t been able to shake the feeling this is a bad idea since I met them. i dont want to be hurt in a true way but i am putting myself in a position where i seem like i might be regardless of the outcome.

they told me that it’s the really lonely people to watch out for, that end up being a problem for them. but that im different because i have a lot going for me.

and I do, in lots of ways. i have a fulfilling loving relationship w/ someone I want to marry. i love my career. but im still lonely at my core. i think im doomed to ache a little bit forever. and that’s my burden to bear and mine alone. but it feels inevitable that it’ll leak into everything and everyone I have any kind of relationship with. like a sickness. it filled me with dread when they said that. because it felt like they were seeing right thru everything i try so hard to keep at bay.

i don’t think anyone will ever understand me the way i want them to. and it’s my fault—i don’t like what’s rotting at my core, why would i show it to anyone else? i already live with disliking it. i don’t need anyone else to validate that for me. i know something about me is built wrong. i wouldn’t survive someone seeing me in my entirety and feeling the same way. it’s uncomfortable for everyone. but. but it’s still lonely. i want to show up as real. i want to be funny AND whatever this is. i want to be charming AND let ppl know what i rly think. but each thing is at odds with one another. i can’t positively impact and add value to people’s lives if I am openly this gutted with them. it’s too much. it’s nothing at all.

it’s all abandonment issues. rejection sensitivity. etc. whatever you like to call it. clear as day. i don’t need to read this outside to a therapist to know it. im very self aware, and besides that it’s obvious when I talk about my fears of being useless. being a burden. being picked second or not picked it all. it’s all so very transparent.

it’s just times like these I can’t tell if ive made progress and peace with those things or if i have just gotten good at lying to myself and everyone around me about it.

[hazardsoflove]

maybe it’s just me as an essek stan but it honestly pisses me off that they hold essek to this high standard of suspicion but they’re just. jumping right into this heist not even questioning that it could very well be a trap

#and matt could very well kill essek off sceen bc he puts consequences into his game. they havent even checked in w essek since they left #like yeah maybe its just me as an essek stan caring abt a morally gray npc but like. hes your friend and he DEFINITLY has proven himself #WAYYYY more trustworthy than astrid. whatever im just bitter #and also cads shit is being shoved to the side again. i love caleb dearly but i dont think any of them are thinking abt consequences rn #like if something goes wrong they could be caught or arrested and not be able to get back to eiselcross so lucien succeeds or essek dies #like idk maybe stop and think if this is rly worth it #obvi not hate etc etc im just anxious and very attached to that wizard #robin liveblogs: critical role #r.txt