#like idk im overthinking but it feels weird like im not supposed to like this even tho me and my uncle have similar taste | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

monstraduplicia · 5 months

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having music as my main hyperfixation is fun bc my love affair with early 2000s hard rock is coming to an end so im returning to my eternal companion, my undying soulmate, 90s alt rock. currently very much obsessing over jellyfish and it's many offshoots but also I can smell a new lover calling to me....

#watched a video on my uncles favorite band that he obsessively listens to #and i knew zero about them before and frankly thought they were bad #but actually listening to them theyre quite good and catchy but it feels soooooo embarassimg to be into ehat ive always thought of as His #like idk im overthinking but it feels weird like im not supposed to like this even tho me and my uncle have similar taste #and like a lot of the same bands #any way this one song of theirs has been stuck in my head for hours which is always the beginining of an obsession 4 me #txt

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rox-of-iu · 1 year

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@ the people saying kind words and offering me english alternatives for the czech in my last post

first of all, I know you mean well and I love you to bits and I'm giving you a little kissy, ok? But... guys I do know English phrases... hahhah

Listen,,,, I am chronically online and I do actually have a certificate from C2 exams that is just 5 points shy of being 100%. I Know it absolutely doesn't look that way but that's just because I'm the laziest guy around and I don't feel like fixing it after myself when I have the excuse of being a foreigner- sahdjsd

so when i use czech words it is not out of the necessity of not knowing any substitutes but just me goofing around and going haha funny word go brr

#man this is probably coming of as mean and super defensive but its not supposed to be 😭😭 (tones still hard in any language)#it is genuinly super nice of you to try to help out!! and you couldn't have known so 💞#but just throwing that out there....jasdhksdj #o(-( man #ykno like i said throwing in cz words is just me having fun with it #since its my scribble side blog and all that #because due to spending almost all my free time connected to english-centric internet my own language/culture took a bit of a backseat #like even in my day to day life which is very prevalent among lot of foreign people today #but i wont get into it now it doesn't rly matter #so me throwing in some funky words is me just having fun around and trying to bring some of it back while i doodle #but looking back at it it is prolly weird to do since ykno its Chinese so what is cz doing there and no one will understand it anyway #so ppl are probably left feeling confused or cheated out of something #so i should probably just stick with eng alternatives #oh well #idk why im even making this post this has completely derailed ashdk and again I'm not mad at beloveds who commented and left tags #it just made me think #and overthinking hahh bcuz im in the middle of stressful projects #plus tHE STUPIDASS UNI DOENST WANNA ACCEPT MY MONEY OK PLEASE TAKE IT I BEG OF U I WILL PAY EARLIER NEXT TIME (lying)#anyway thats all jhds uhh bye #wait im already having regrets about making this post in the first place man but i did spend valuable time typing it out so ughhh

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crowtechs · 7 months

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sometimes i have this weird desire to make like sibling ocs to canon but then im like what am i doing and then i dont or smth :(

#like the concept is so silly and adorable but then i feel A Lot of things #idk im just having a lot of difficulties lately incorporating myself and or ocs into canon #like i know its there its just been difficult (and always has been nowadays) so #i think i still just have that constant circle of thoughts that what im doing is odd or weird or something so idk how to break out of that #like im ok and all like genuinely i know how to make myself feel better but i really want to enjoy doing things in canon again :(#it feels like i lost that spark for some reason #idk how to explain it properly but like yeah for sure i have ideas and all and i guess i just overthink a lot #probably why always talking abt my f/os and all makes me feel off idk how else to explain it #man idk i guess i need help with this sort of thing #sorry this is a long vent tag #i just needed to scream things in the void i suppose #kaden txts #btw: i am genuinely vm ok this is just something i have major difficulty in unfortunately </3

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actualtoad · 2 years

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some random life stuff in the tags

#rest of the day was okay. tara b came to my french class even though she usually has chemistry fifth hour #i did raider time with mr hidaka but elanor came with? she keeps following me to his class whenever i go there for raider time #or i mean she did twice now. and i don’t know why. i feel like she’s judging him. but probably im overthinking it #i read his moral psychology book while i was there and i listened to him talking to a different student #not like eavesdropping it was a loud public conversation and it was him and samontrae who i know so it was like. not really a private thing #just talking about life and stuff and mr h’s plans for the future. he’s going to get another masters degree starting next year but still be #teaching at the school at the same time. online classes. anyway i learned about the foundations of groupism and eusocial groups like hives #and now im home. we now move on to the future part of the update: for starters i have work today at 4:30 #tomorrow morning i have two hours of nothing then finishing my chem project then sewing then two worksheets then movie then home #and it’s zeya’s birthday so im not staying after or doing anything like that. and then thursday is the last day of school #i finish all my projects if there’s anything that i haven’t done already. and then after philosophy club it’s all over #i want to stay behind and say goodbye to my chemistry teacher but some of my friends will probably be here and i can’t talk to him in front #of everyone. or if i do it would just feel weird and strange and not like normal and it wouldn’t be a real goodbye #i already said to him in the letter i wrote that it would be a terrible goodbye and that’s why it’s a good thing that it’s literally not #like idk maybe i’ll re evaluate over the summer and decide it’s not good for me to be staying after so often again #but it’s not like i’ll never see him next year no matter what happens like. im not graduating none of these goodbyes are forever #so it doesn’t matter that i can’t do goodbyes because none of them are real and it doesn’t matter. so i can stop being so scared of it all #this isn’t even hardly a goodbye time of year it’s a hello time of year i might literally be able to video call my friends #its been a really long time and that will finally maybe be possible again and summer is supposed to be a good thing #so im going to treat it like a good thing. for starters though my mom wants me to clean my room #so. im going to do that now. i love you guys i’ll see you later #me. my post. mine.#also i’ll move back to my old blog before the night is over. i might even do that now

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ricksanchezbignaturals · 6 months

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i already touched on it in my post on the new episode, but i wanted to talk a bit more about viewing unity through a queer lense. warning this post is long and possibly incomprehensible because im sick.

ive always thought it kind of wild that so many people missed the memo about rick being pansexual when the first explicit partner of his we get to meet is unity (i say explicit because birdperson shows up before unity, and while i do believe rick is definitely meant to be into him, you wouldn't know that from his first appearance and it's not clear if c137 ever had romantic/sexual relations with bp or if it was purely unrequited). it seems obvious to me that there was queer shit going on in auto erotic assimilation, so rnm fans being all homophobic seems puzzling, because that episode came out in 2015. queer shit going on in this show is not new, why do people act surprised everytime it happens? to be honest, the new episode gave me a bit of clarity there.

so, a relationship with unity being queer might be obvious to me and my fellow gays, but it is played very safe. the majority of rick's interactions with unity are through female bodies it inhabits, and especially the main sort of ambassador lady. it almost feels like she is unity first and foremost, with all the other bodies it has being some cool power of hers, an offshoot of that one specific alien rather than equal parts of who unity is.

and yknow, that's clearly intentional, nobody ever went broke for appealing to straight men, but there is something there. i do think the choice to make the first serious relationship the audience gets to see from your main character be with a hivemind that assimilates regardless of gender is a cool one. because like i said in the other post, that makes being with unity a sort of pansexual microcosm. the first episode had a couple nods to rick not exclusively sleeping with the female bodies under unity's control, and i think this new episode was worse about making unity basically feel like it is mainly supposed to be that one alien. unity gets called she/her a lot in this episode, but there was that one line "don't talk to them like that" which i found... interesting.

it is possible im overthinking unity's pronouns. hell, i have multiple sets of pronouns, and im not even a hivemind. but that specific line did seem like, idk, intentional? yknow like when the pronouns were inconsistent in the first episode that was coming from morty and summer who were just meeting unity. i don't think rick even used pronouns to refer to unity in the first episode, but in the new one that's what he says to curtis, who's talking to unity through The Main Alien Lady. "don't talk to them like that" while later he uses she/her when talking to wong. unity's pronouns come across to me as written for the queer folks to catch the ~vibe~ and the straight folks to not have to notice at the same time.

honestly a lot of unity comes across that way. at the same time it can be this genderless entity experiencing life through many bodies, but also maybe more like one woman who happens to be able to control a planet's worth of people. and yeah, i get it. everybody wants to make the gays happy but nobody wants to lose the straights business. if rick's ever allowed to have a more explicit queer relationship than the referenced history with nimbus, that'll piss some people off. rick and morty fans in particular have a penchant for being intense and sometimes they're weird about minorities even though rick is one like 3 times over.

so like, i loved this new episode a lot, but i do feel like there was a missed opportunity to be a bit more ballsy with unity. i don't think it should've been represented by the same body as last time, that makes it feel like just another sexy alien lady for rick to have the hots for and i think it can be more interesting than that, yknow?

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misspenguinchaos · 2 years

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apologies for the title of the video n stuff being visible on the screenshots whatever- but im going on a ramble

are we just gonna ignore how there are these weird beer-things and what seems to be alcohol and cigarrettes in both Clementine’s and Zbaltazar’s apartments in the Slums???????? Why does zbaltazar have a double bed despite seeming to live alone???? WHO IS THE DEAD GUY ON DOC’S APARTMENT !! and someone else said this but clementine’s apartment is devoid of plants. it has pots but they are all empty

I’m probably overthinking it as I always do, but are these roBOTS OKAY?? like im sure they probably improved GREATLY judging by their current residence and stuff. but man. WERE THEY OK??

also im thinking about clementine having like. trust issues after living in midtown for so long. and a lot of paranoia.

there ain’t no way these robots are gonna be okay after all of this shi happens and for the others realizing their life was a lie sOBS

also I like to think that the other outsiders. especially Momo. helped them feel mentally better cuz these apartments ain’t it- and i know they don’t have lungs but im sure your little robot body won’t handle a buncha carbon dioxide in your system. as for the alcohol looking things- i feel like ‘’drinking’’ anything OTHER than oil and RAM and stuff- would not be good.

it’s also clear that doc visisted the whatever-library-there-was-in-the-slums a lot.

also zbaltazar aren’t you supposed to recite a mantra for transcedental meditation or something. your not sayign anything your just doing napstablook-type-meditation where bam you go to space. unless you recite the mantra in your head? idk anything about meditation this all comes from google search research.

I ALSO NOTICED MOMO WAS LITERALLY CRYING. FULL-ON-TEARS CRYING OVER HIS FRIENDS AND TRANSCEIVER. MOMO NOOOOOOOO- SOBS,,,

i wish you could edit the images to crop it but it wont let me which sucks but man,

ok enough rambling.

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inyourwildestdreams22 · 1 year

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Wow I missed all the fun because I was out lol.

Anyway reading Tom print interviews always leave me feeling idk..uneven ? Idk the word in english lol but he's often so open it's kinda weird to think that I've been followed this stranger (and the other stranger he's dating) for years and somehow feel like I know them but also..don't at all ? Like everytime he's speaking about what he's struggling with personally (ie. drinking, mental health, sleep paralysis, insomnia) Im reminded that there's so many things we don't know (rightfully so). I gotta admit following them and Tomdaya tumblr is a form of escapism for me and I'm always saying to myself "it's really nothing deep I'm just chilling and having fun" but whenever interviews like this "hit" I realize that at this point Im not just "casually" following them since I left reading that interview putting my phone down and looking at my ceiling overthinking it for like 30s lol. Idk I'm just rambling atp but it makes me question stan culture all together and how I view celebs and stuff but Idk how to word it properly.

What happens is that stan culture is kinda rooted in parasocial relationships, it could be to a small degree or a bigger one, but it creates the ilusion to some fans that you know the people you stan, that’s why so many fans project or think they know what the person they stan wants or needs, the thuth is that you only see what celebs want you to see,there’s their private image that they preserve for themselves and you only know the things they choose to share, and listen we can all sometimes go a little bit parasocial but in the end if it’s too deep and it affects you, you should take a step back, stanning someone is supposed to be fun.

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borathae · 1 year

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okay so I just finished reading chapter 5 of MV & omg idk how to feel :( I’m so overwhelmed for the mc & jk :( tae is being such a jerk & him immediately face fucking & leaving with Fringella as soon as he spots her after he said him & the mc would have fun together & she’s safe with him??!??!! Not to mention he disappears for days to fuck other people ??! So far I feel like he’s not all that crazy over mc, there’s a drift there. However I could just be projecting bcs me personally I would have not let that slide, & I definitely would’ve been in my head overthinking if he’s still into me. I’m still figuring out the whole dynamic bcs she does have tae & yoongi so does that mean she’s okay with tae & his orgies?? I feel like she’s very patient & understanding, maybe even a little naïve bcs tae is definitely showing some weird behavior and she’s kinda letting it slide a lot ! His attitude has changed a lot since SA, he’s kinda proving all the accusations he got in the beginning right (that he’s basically a dog💀). Luckily she has Yoongi to fall back on for that sense of security & comfort. She’s really patient with Yoongi & his grumpiness too im ngl bcs I would’ve definitely been sulking once he got a little too sour towards me :(. & omgg jk, our poor hopeless romantic, he feels so hurt & neglected after tar’s escapades :(( Anyway, I love MV so far .. as you can see I’m extremely captivated by this story, it has my mind going in a million different directions & emotions. I can’t wait to catch up!! Tysm for this series it’s a great distraction from how busy life is rn. I love it so much <3

I’m still figuring out the whole dynamic bcs she does have tae & yoongi so does that mean she’s okay with tae & his orgies??

I feel that deep down she is really hurt by it, but she doesn't dare to say anything because in her eyes "she is doing the same with yoongi". She and Tae are in an open relationship and therefore she thinks that she isn't allowed to voice her hurt for his behaviour, yk?

Also istfg I am such a sucker for the trope of "supposed grumps" and sunshine that shit just gets me all JFAJDSFNANDS I LOVE THEM OKAY? THEY ARE THE CUTEST FUCKIAFDNFNAD COUPLE 😭😭

HEHHE thank you so much for sending in your thoughts! I appreciate you so much hehehe 💜

#asks: magnus venatio #asks #anon

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tired-ramcoa-victim · 6 months

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Hi so. I’m sorry if this isn’t the right way to go about this, I’m just kind of hoping someone can help me?? I’m part of a traumagenic system, and some ramcoa stuff came across our dash yesterday and it struck a cord so I’ve been doing some research to learn more, right? For years we’ve been aware of a specific subsystem in which each member split due to a specific kind of abuse, one of which is RA/MC, and regarding that one specifically we were always just sort of like “that’s odd but he’s still one of us, so let’s not make him feel weird about it,” but in doing this research we sort of just have this… pit in our stomach. Like something’s wrong. And we’re connecting dots we’re not even certain need to be connected, i.e. that aforementioned alter is the only one in that subsystem who was formed from a type of abuse we didn’t (to our knowledge) experience? But we don’t have enough memory of our childhood to be able to accurately and confidently shut down the wondering either?

I’m not really sure what *exactly* I’m hoping for from this interaction. I suppose maybe just, clarification on if this is an experience others have, or if our brain is just… being weird or something idk. And again, I apologize if this isn’t the way to handle this, I just genuinely don’t know where to turn except to others who know more.

How did it struck a core with you? Was it negative, a flashback, guilt, or what?

If you're an actual RA, and MC survivor, more of the system should be affected due to how severe RA and MC are. It won't just be one subsystem. I'm not going to specify how severe, or how much of the system would be affected.

If you're a trauma non specific survivor, you're going to feel odd when researching abuse, and trauma altogether.

It's easy to fall into the belief that you've been through something when im actuality, you've never experienced it. Do not ruminate on memories. Do not overthink things or you're going to screw up a bunch of shit.

Anyway, this is something you need to take up with a professional therapist. I can't help you beyond stating things at face value.

#other

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nintendont2502 · 1 year

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LMAO.WAOT WHY IS IT SO SMALL IN TJE EDITOR

That was distracting lmao

ANYWAY

I just. Ghhgghhv yk? I wanna be able to help my friends with their problems but like I. Straight up don't know what to do or say and I hate it

Like if I offer advice I don't know what I'm saying and it isn't helpful and if I try to relate personally I feel like I'm being selfish and making it about me and if I just go "fuck that sucks dude:((" I feel like I don't really look like I care but I do!! I just. Don't know how to help/what the fuck else I'm supposed to say and it makes me so stressed and obviously I can't say shit to them because they're trying to deal with their own sjit and I agdhhfg

I feel like I can't go to my friends with my issues because they're always so fucking helpful and idk how they do it, and it just feels so unfair on them when I can't do the same,,, and it's like. Idk it's confusing because I WANT them to be able to come to me with their shit? Like it makes me feel valued or wanted (which is. Weird but w/ever lmaoo) but at the same time it's so stressful.and I hghgghhh

Like. Idk this whole thing just kinda ties into what I'm lile in general with conversations - I Don't Fucking Know what I'm supposed to say ever and whatever I do end up saying (if i can think of anything) feels wrong but like. It's so much worse when ppl are venting? Because it's serious!! I don't wanna fuck it up then yk!! The stakes are so much higher and I fucking *KNOW* there's something im supposed to be saying but I just don't know what and I fucking hate it!! Agh!!

Half the time this is why I just don't answer people's messages because im like overthinking every single minute aspect of it and ots fucking exhausting, and it's just easier to ignore the messages (but even then I feel incredibly guilty and stressed and the whole thing just spirals so it's like. No winners here! Fuckin thanks brain ig)

#standard disclaimer im fine etc etc i just think about shit a lot and screaming it knto the void (aka tumblr) helps lmao #not like i can rlly go to my friends about it considering. yk #anywah wow i got wildly distracted by tnat image being so small lmao wjats up w it #vent #ig?#idk lmao

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kyunsies · 2 years

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MÄDCH!!!!!!!

Hello hello - it has taken me a while to reply because it has been a public holiday where I am for a while now but I am here back at work again today. How has the start of your week been? It is grey and rainy over here.

Are you managing to find more time for yourself after all your hard work? I am always here for whatever you need and I'm always rooting for you! I'm so glad you feel optimistic about how the interviews went - hopefully you can just feel like you can now let go about worrying or overthinking about your next steps because things will just unfold for you. like, now you have done all the hard work you can reap the rewards!

Treatment has been good so far, I'm feeling happier or more optimistic but i started a new program today so we will see how it goes i guess? so one that can help me be healthier in the long run? instead of like crashing and constantly feeling like i am struggling? i hope it will get better anyway... and this is a quieter time for my sector i reckon also which is helpful :)

KPOPFLEX was awesome and it was SO BIG but the organisation had me worried for some people because it was so hot and there really wasnt a lot of shade or anything like that? How is the babysitting going tho? Are you managing to enjoy it or do you just find it ok to pass the time? When's your Nclex exam? OMG also how are you feeling about how the MX renewals are going?

Sending all the love <3 <3

- 💥

angel !!!! SO SORRY THIS IS LATE i've been pretty busy lately :') did you have a good week? are you going to be able to rest for the weekend? also don't worry about not getting back okay you just take your time whenever you can <3

honestly i only had the first couple weeks of may to really chill but honestly between you and me i've been quite stressed lately sldkfjs as i said i'm working to make some money in between this really weird period of time bc i am not yet hired yet LOL ; also this board exam i'm preparing for is stressing me out bc i had to register for the exam but they needed background checks from me since i'm out of state before they can give me the "green light" to take the exam and it's all just stressing me out LOL not to mention looking ofr apartments and stuff :') so ,,,,, no i am not relaxing LOL

about your new program and treatment !!! i really am so happy that you are feeling the results <3 a lot of the times, when ppl notice that their medication or training is working and they start feeling better mentally, the most common things to happen is that ppl start to neglect treatment and forget about it since they feel that they don't need it anymore, which can result in a lot of rebound throughts and behaviors, so i'm really happy it's working for you and i am hoping u stick with it for a long time <3 it's all trial and error and a good program will put your needs first :)

LSKDJF I ALMOST FORGOT KPOP FLEX WAS OUTSIDE SLDKFJ wow it feels like the venue wasn't ready for u guys ;____; i hope no one passed out !! but the babysitting is going alright !! some days she's good for me, others not so good lol, she's only 4 months old so they're supposed to sleep a lot but she only takes like two 30 min naps sometimes which is frustrating sldkfjd so but it could be a lot worse i can't complain! ALSO as i said i don't know when i take my NCLEX exam since they haven't given me the "green light" to take it but hopefully everything will be all set very soon, i just wanna take it and be done w it so all i have to worry about is working and moving ;____; also about the contracts !!!!! honestly forgot about that lol i think ppl are making a really big deal over nothing idk that's just me tho ;____; and everyone is like "this tour feels different something is up" and im like ??? the concert was amazing and everything felt perfect idk what you're talking about lol !!!!!!!!!!!! so yea, it is what it is right now i think :')

#asks #💥 anon #i know this is pretty late hun i am sorry again !!!!!!

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opens-up-4-nobody · 3 years

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Hey, this is maybe a weird ask but to any "Women in Science" out there: What does it mean do you to be a Women in STEM?

Everytime I get labeled as, such my brain goes: "That's supposed to make you feel Something." but I'm unsure of what that Something is to the point that I can't even formulate a political answer to the question and have an existential crisis Haha

#someone tell me what im supposed to feel lol #no but really my brain is like: u were assigned female at birth and u do science stuff. no one has ever tried to stop me so its just like #idk they dont have much to do with eachother #but i have such an uncomfy response to the lable #and its just been bugging me a lot bc my pi has been using it a lot bc we r getting a lot of cool stuff done #and its a convenient lable but idk #i cant tell if its just an internal psycodrama stemming from my never feeling any opression in stem so not feeling like enough to #hide behind a supporting lable or i just dont feel female enough to get stuck with the lable or if its just this weird restrictive language #thing my brain does #that also prevents me from saying people's names or calling my parents 'mom' and 'dad'.#'women' is just one of those words...#idk its 3am again and im wide awake #probably i should tell my pi to pls not call me that but like i dont want her to feel like shes made me uncomfortable bc its not her fault #maybe im just overthinking #studyblr #women in science #women in stem #ecology #chemistry #math #physics #biology #feminism #idk maybe everyone is like this???#science #geology #astronomy

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georgeinamerc · 3 years

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#ok so i got in one of those uni groupchats via a girl i know and it feels so weird djfngjrnf #i took about 5 minutes to overthink a message where i basically said hi bc messenger wont let u be in the group if u dont send sth #and now i remembered how antisocial i am SCREAM #many actually answered and they were so nice <33 #i swear theonly reason i hate groupchats so much is bc for 3 year in hs i had the worst classmates 😀😀#ok but they've had this gc for a while so i feel like the 'new kid' and idk how im supposed to interact help!!!!#i swear when im face 2 face w people i excuse my cringe by saying im better at texting and when im texting im saying im better irl 🤨#i have to find someone who watches f1 i literally have no other interests rip </3 #if u actually read the whole thing i love you n im marrying u here🧍‍♀️💍#rambles

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defsbeom · 5 years

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//

#this is just a rant dont mind me #the Boy keeps changing the plan and location and what we are doing and honestly now im #kinda annoyed #im pretty fucking accomodating when it comes to this shit but like... something feels weird #and its felt weird for a little bit but not this much #idk if i’m just overthinking it or if something really is up but like;;;; idk. bad fucking gut feeling #we were supposed to watch a movie and that had been the plan for like the whole fucking week and now its suddenly not a thing #even tho he’s the one who looked up movie timings #+ its such a gloomy ass weather here i’m even more annoyed #i cant chicken out but i also am super cranky at this shit being pushed back from 5pm to 8pm #like i’d understand if he just cancelled because he did have a busy day and he’s been under the weather #but like bruh seriously you were the one who kept saying you wanted this weekend date amd yet now he just seems disinterested idk #oh well fuck me i’m gonna watch friends in bed for another hour and then try to start getting ready because fuckig reaching gangnam +#+ takes so fuckinf lomg thar i need to leave 50 minutes in advance anyway #defrants

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wannabevampire · 2 years

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rant

tw: mention of ptsd (no detail whatsoever)

i just needed to get this off my chest

i’m in that weird “almost dating but it’s still unofficial” phase with this guy. i’ve had relationships before, but none of them were super serious. and i’ve had any type of relations with a man, im bisexual but i just never found a man worth my time ig.

and me and this guy have been friends for a long time, i trust him and like him a lot and have been crushing on him for awhile.

so i was extremely confused when i started feeling really really anxious at the prospect of dating him. i mean, i genuinely like him, but there are times where i just completely freeze or panic when he touches me (like putting his arm around me and stuff, we haven’t done anything sexual).

our ‘relationship’ or whatever got more serious on tuesday. and since then i’ve been dissociating a lot worse and in more severe ways. i’m having certain trauma responses that i never had before and i don’t know how to deal with. i know i have ptsd, i know i experience trauma responses. but this is new and i’m so scared.

it’s not his fault at all and i feel so awful about it. we’ve been into each other for years so i feel like i can’t back out. and even if i could idk if i would want to? i just don’t know if i’m gonna be worth it and be the person he deserves. like how am i suppose to be a good girlfriend if i have a panic attack every time someone touches me? and fuck he’s so goddamn sweet about it, like he respects my boundaries and always asks before he touches me because he knows i get freaked out. he’s doing everything right, and i’m still scared of him and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.

people keep telling me to stop overthinking things, and i’m trying! but i’m realizing it’s deeper than that, and i’m just so confused.

#tw: ptsd #allie rants >:(#rant!

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gffa · 3 years

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Dude the one response you wrote to another anon about having a hard time being a Real Person ™️ and interacting with others online bc of anxiety and stuff hit me so hard bc like BIG SAME.

I seriously appreciate how honest you are about this, bc I have very similar issues and I try really hard to leave comments on fics or reply to comments on my fics and sometimes my brain just says NO. And then too much time passes and then it's just awkward to reply later?? And then like, if you comment on a fic and the author replies and it opens the way for more conversation... Am I supposed to reply again??? I mean like obvs I know I don't have to, so usually I don't bc STRESS. But. ???? Idk.

What's the worst is that I have this same issue in "Brick Life" (IRL?)... Like, texting/emailing/chatting with friends and aquaintences??? How?? I overthink like EVERYTHING. And I wish I could just say, "yeah hey I have these problems so sometimes I can't reply! Or my reply might come off as weird to you bc I spent an hour rewording it and now I sound like an alien!" But I don't know how??? And I've tried doing like PSAs but ppl are like "oh you're so brave for admitting you have mental health issues. I'm so proud that you're reaching out" and then they go on with their lives like I don't have debilitating anxiety and seem to expect me to interact with them in whatever way they think is "normal" and im like 🙃🙃🙃

Anyway. Socially anxious high five from me to you. And you totally don't have to reply to this at all if you don't want to! I just read what you say sometimes about having anxiety and stuff and my brain goes "!!!!!! SAME HAT!!!!!"

Have a good day/night/time 💞

GOD, I REWROTE THIS RESPONSE LIKE FIVE TIMES, no, I’m not kidding. Yes, it’s funny because that’s what this response is about but also I really did. So, I’m going to start with this: And I wish I could just say, "yeah hey I have these problems so sometimes I can't reply! Or my reply might come off as weird to you bc I spent an hour rewording it and now I sound like an alien!" But I don't know how??? ^ Say exactly this! Seriously! It doesn’t have to be a big, huge conversation piece about how you’re anxious, you can just drop that in quick at the beginning, just tell the person, “Hey, brain weasels are really wriggling around up there today, so this took me awhile to cough up, so if it sounds like it’s weirdly terse or something, that’s not the intention, I’m just anxious about it.” and then go right on into the conversation. I’ve found that the shame of social anxiety is a real pain in the ass, but so is letting it define me. It’s a thing I have! It sucks massively! I have to deal with it every day and in almost every conversation! People want to help, and when I can tell them specifically what I need (usually it’s just that I need some extra understanding if I sound stilted or terse or disjointed, to know that it’s not that I’m being an asshole, it’s that I’m herding cats up there and this was the best I could get out in the moment), it goes a long way, because people are very understanding! Or, for example, sometimes I go on a little too much because I can’t stop myself and then I’ll tack on something like, “LOL GOD SORRY I know this is obnoxious, I just had FEELINGS, I’ll let you go now.” and throw in an emoji something to lighten the mood. Or, if you’re friendly with someone and they’re like, “What’s wrong, you seem off today.” and you can reply with, “[tosses a rock at] SOCIAL ANXIETY SUCKS AND I HATE MY LIZARD BRAIN. (Okay, I’m being dramatic, but sometimes you gotta be over the top about these things!)” Or even something as simple as “/Social Anxiety Having Nerd Trying To Be Totally Normal Level Of Cool To Interact With” at the start/end of something as a reminder to people. Make it silly, even when the feelings are real, while also letting yourself off the hook for feeling this way! A lot of us are dealing with anxiety or other various forms of mental health issues, many of which are going to be with us for a long time, if not the rest of our lives. It can be exhausting to carry this shit around, to feel like you have to do so much more work than other people do just to have a goddamned conversation. And there are absolutely times to be deadly serious about it, especially if you’re having a bad day and need to vent or just need some commiseration. Figure out what you need from your friends, what they specifically can do to help, but also have some humor with it and remember that, hey, if other people can fake it until you can’t tell they had anxiety, then you can fake it so that others can’t tell you have anxiety. Remember that there almost always will be more chances in the future to interact with someone, another fic will come along, another conversation will come along, another meta will come along, there will be more chances, so if you have to let some pass by because you don’t have the energy to get up over the anxiety hill to comment, then that’s okay, too. A lot of us are dealing with this stuff and some missed chances are because we’re human. I mean, if you do get up the energy to respond and don’t know where to go from there, it’s okay to not respond back! It’s okay if they don’t respond back! People are but blobs floating in the currents of the ocean, sometimes they bob closer, sometimes they bob further away, but they’ll always come back and go away and come back again. And that goes for you, too. If responding to something makes your brain go N O P E, then don’t stress about it. If you’re just kinda nervous, remember that other people can’t tell NEARLY as much about you as you think they can. Everyone is up their own asses about their own stuff, so you can be a trainwreck over here and hardly anyone is going to notice because they’re too busy thinking about their own trainwreck! I promise you, people are not NEARLY as perceptive as you fear they are, when it comes to piercing the veil of your social anxiety, and so it’s okay to just let stuff slide or be a little twitchy, because you’re a person and so is everyone else. ♥

#lumi.txt #anxiety for blacklist #anonymous meme #Anonymous

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