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pespillo · 2 years

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man.

you know what , yeah , ive been a major jackass for gd knows what long, i am bossy, i am annoying at times, i tend to take the wheel umprompted , i think I Know SOOOO much even when really im throwing stuff at the wall seeing what sticks best, i hype myself up because i legitimately feel like i need to do it , maybe im overcompensating a lot, i know i can make people feel Bad when i talk to them and criticize them , i think you all got all the right to criticize me when its due, i Should Drop Shit faster when some things turns out to be bad and not just hold the hot coal 6 months after the fact because my head tells me “there may be a chance things do an upturn right? maybe theres some inner company logistics i dont know about” n wait around like a fucking dog, barking but not biting . I Should have bitten. Maybe i should have been a kinder person sometimes , maybe i should have been a meaner person other times . And if i ever made you feel bad over something small, i Am sorry, i mean it, you deserved better.

but when i tell you all you dont know even half of me i really mean it, you guys dont know the fucking shit ive been through the past 5 years dealing with family and unemployment , i know it seems like i fucking got it alll together , that because i draw well enough to gain a measly income every month , im just living la vida loca and building this hugeee ego about my persona online , You dont fucking know me , and if you do? lemme tell you, i got dumped out from a newish group because apparently they couldnt Ever Tell me that i was a bit too bossy when roleplaying for a stupid fucking arg , they just decided to all block me and ghost me , PRETENDING to be all like “no no we wouldnt ever just cut people off like that lol” , i tried acting like i was gonna be fine, but i felt worthless and abandoned for a good ass month or two , like i did something so awful that it was just better to dump me off like that without any answers or closure , turns out , it was just some petty rp bullshit because how dare i tell someone that their writing can be a bit Much i guess. and you know what ? after i learned that this month, im done being a spineless doormat , i realized just by this stupid drama, i WAS being a doormat to cawthon , i was treating this franchise like it was a real “friend” just because im horribly mentally ill about it and let it overtake me in my late teens, and since it was sooo hard to dump a “friend” i just felt like i JUST couldnt do it full on. thats so fucking dumb isnt it?

listen i have no fucking idea where some of you get the idea that i am some kind of , harasser or some shit like, fine , if you build this idea of me in your head because you think i receive too many compliments (its not like im asking for them , i am not gonna reject Kindness) sure whatever, but i dont waste my fucking time sending anons or calling out random people for nothing, literally i just sit here having to witness vile shit out in the public from people who are legit unapologetic and then putting out a post or two saying “hey what the fuck is wrong with these people please dont expose vulnerable people to the gross shit you put out for sexual gratification”. When do i ever act like im hot shit? i feel like a fucking wimp every day of my life, i feel like im a fragile bitch about everything , like i walk around and feel like i wanna cry but im supposed to suck it alllll up because im a grown ass man now and i need to keep people i care about safe , at all costs, even if most of the time i really wanna say “i wanna kill myself” .

ive said this before, but i am not gonna lay my guts in the sun for strangers to gawk and look at me , not anymore. this is the LAST time i am laying down my problems like this , if you want to seriously talk to me. do it , do it because i literally dont care about blocking random people , i am not gonna fucking block any of you unless you legitimately want me to or , actively try harassing me or harm me or others . And i have good faith in so many people, you should feel good about yourself for having guts to tell it like it is.

anyways, i wish everyone a happy new year´s eve or just , a happy new year, keep yourselves safe and have a good time

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bridgesoverrivers · 3 years

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hi matt.. or mace.. idk what u want to be called rn or how long itll last but this is just for u to look back on because u dont know how to discuss ur actual feelings so u turn to the void, yet again

instagram is so depressing and so is just about every social media ive cycled through at this point.

ive made several break throughs within my layers of thoughts and also thought loops that i dont know how to quite get out of .. that being said i have made an amazing progress on realising that ive successfully lived alone for 6 months despite dramas with friends, family, friends again, along side mental health and health ontop of it all. living in my apartment can be so depressing sometimes.. its so quiet idk what to do with myself but ive gotten the hang of just doing stuff to stay busy without it becoming excessive or compulsive and it’s really nice tbh.

i need to spend more time writing so that i can actually manage to write an essay to cater for my autistic ass which im so confused about because my cognitive function has significantly reduced and i kinds feel like im in the awkward lost period again; where i cant show affection or think actual thoughts and im just talking random shit 24/7 to fill some void or something.

I got a rat 2 days ago (7/1/21.. ironic lol) , his name is Seven and hes about 6-8 weeks old and hes a total sweetheart so far!! hes very friendly and is starting to enjoy pats and company more and more every time we hang out. he likes my big hoodie that i converted into a slipknot hoodie which i am yet to sew so i can wash it n shit.

I have so many art project ideas im yet to fulfill like making music with chloe, drawing on a bunch of clothes i wanna diy and make cool with black and white patches n shit, make a tattoo flash so i can finally fucking start doing cool things but i keep on procrastinating buying needles/ink/stencils for like what the past 4 years

um my allergies or whatever the fuck it is gets so weird like im literally kinda fucking confused but i need to see an allergist which ive also procrastinated for 2 years.. i might have fucky lymphnodes or some shit to explain why my body hates everything i eat mayhaps but like ummmmmmmmm also got diagnosed with bipolar 2 which im like what noo im fineee but also like bro yeah legit spot on lmfao cause i get real fucking caught up in my thought loops and social habits i dont even realise that “self awareness” is probably the most nonchalant i am cause im probably like kinda manic and my brains just doing some stanky leg spiel shit where im on such a high from it i dont realise its just the bigger picture of it and im not addressing problems or knowing they exist.

but hey, while im in the neutral state or just one of the inbetweens where im still just me and im just vibin and i can be conscious of feelings/actions/environment and i just get really adhd and super lost in time instead is p good.

i finally feel like my interests are back or a will to have any because god i exist for everything i used to be but that doesnt rlly exist anymore and in 2020 i became a bit of a shell but like 1 step at a time i can get back into it like bruh watching shows or movies wasnt on the agenda for like 2 years thats so friggin long but its finally over and im really looking forward to creating so many cool great things as i grow up and into what really is starting to feel like adulthood;;;; even if everything i fucking do becomes more and more apparent that my brain is abit special and i dont understand alot of shit or do anything abt shit but it is so gucci i am simply travelling through time trying to understand my individuality and perpetual ^ this ^ shits kinda inevitable but i just have to literally fuckn live love laugh cause fuck u and ur mum lol

i hope one day when u read this u find this as good reflection and u get the hang of some things that seem so far away and out of reach.. youll get there whatever that vision is man :) <3

#/ rant

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lilredgummie · 5 years

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BOTW RANT-ISH INCOMING

Okay okay..since the botw 2 sequel trailer, I’ve been thinking of something..

Nintendo, for breath of the wild, decided to give a reason behind Link’s silence for the first time. (Correct me if I’m wrong) saying that he felt the weight of hyrule on his shoulders and felt like he couldn’t put his say in anything and bear the huge responsibilities if I’m remembering correctly.

So we see why the hero is mostly blank and silent in the flashbacks with Zelda and the Champions.

But yet..they continued this blank slate even through the cutscenes that took place in present time. I know that Nintendo said that they really wanted to emphasize the “a link to the players” shit more so than ever this time around.

But in my opinion..I feel like if that was going to be the case..then maybe they shouldn’t of acknowledged Link’s silence and actually given it a reason.

They said before that his memory loss indeed did affect his personality afterwards. (I believe this was in the master works) that he was back to being more expressive and talkative since now no one knows he’s here or something of that sort.

Though..we still see him being silent in the present day cutscenes anyways? Again, I know that Nintendo was just really focused on him being a blank slate for the player but..that’s why I’m saying they shouldn’t of told us why he became silent, and shouldn’t of told us that he wasn’t completely that way anymore after the memory loss..cause then it makes you wonder why he looked blanked with Tiba or Sidon, etc. (I’m talking cutscenes, not small things like him happily cooking or smiling and waving hello to people. It’s just so much inconsistency.)

They shouldn’t of drawn attention to his silence.

Do I think the “knight who became silent because of all of eyes on him” is a good plot? Yeah I do, I actually really like that. I like knowing he was able to open up and trust Zelda too. But it just frustrates me to know that they kept that going in the present day cutscenes when that’s now incorrect with the information that Nintendo themselves gave us. They shouldn’t of even said anything, lol.

So what am I getting to when it comes to the sequel?

Well..Nintendo likes to keep things up to the player, right? Even when it comes to love interests in the Zelda games.

Though in my opinion, I feel like they do obviously favor zelink. Giving them more content from other options. Of course there are going to be people out there that will disagree and always deny it and hey..that’s completely fine. You do you. Have fun.

But I’m not just saying this because I am a zelink shipper..I’m saying this because I personally like to follow ships that get the most obvious attention. So I pay attention to what truly is written there and shown to me in front of my eyes. So I will see and admit to when Link and Zelda are not given attention, and I will see when they definitely are given more attention.

Breath of the Wild definitely being one of them that definitely does favor giving them more attention. The content they are given is too much for me to even list here. There are already great posts out there to do that for you.

Now I know all of this so far sounds like rambling and admittedly it probably is..but I mention this to let you know that even though I do feel like link and Zelda are more favored in this game then in some others, that I don’t expect Nintendo to actually confirm anything. No, of course not. I don’t think they ever will. They still want to paint it as “player’s choice” after all.

But what do we know so far?

Link opened up to Zelda, his true personality came back after his memory loss (in my opinion at least it was his true personality before making himself a rock) that Zelda has something to tell Link when she sees him again, and that Link knows about the princess’ crush on him.

Now..there are some problems with some of those that may seem obvious.

What I’m worried about with the sequel is what Nintendo’s cowardly choices will be.

Since they’re so fixated on “YOU CHOOSE YOUR ROUTE” I feel like they’ll still keep what you ended on in the first game, vague.

It would mean no progress in the things that you discovered in the first game.

Does this link remember Zelda and all of his friends like you worked hard to do? Or is this link the link that rushed into hyrule castle immediately and clapped Ganon’s ass cheeks and didnt regain his memories?

I know in the end, it’s still up to your imagination and you just go with your own headcanon. And yeah, that’s fine..I understand the freedom in that and all.

But I’m personally someone who likes to have things shown to my face and confirmed. I personally have more fun in that. So if the second option is the route they will be taking then..yeah of course I’ll live. Of course it’ll all still be fun. I just wish Nintendo would do a change with Link for once. They were starting to..especially with SS Link but..yah know.

And the “Link knowing Zelda’s crush” thing I understand you can only have Link discover that if you finish Kass’ quests. I understand if that one isn’t as important for Nintendo to focus on in..some ways. But I thought I’d mention it anyways.

So I feel like because of all of that..because Nintendo will still want it to be “it’s whatever you choose” that they won’t address things in a satisfying way. They won’t show the link that opened up to Zelda. They probably won’t make Zelda try to make things happen between her and Link because I feel like they still don’t always want to show confirmation between ships. (Also they will be too busy with GANON..so of course you know that could be a reason too lolol)

Again it’s not about “I’m a zelink shipper and I want to see them finally happen!” It’s more about..okay Nintendo, you are the ones drawing attention to certain aspects in the story and character’s romantic insterests for once and if you’re not going to progress and expand upon that then like..what are you doing lol..

I just..after Nintendo themselves saying that his personality does change after the memory loss..I don’t want to see him being blank again in present day. Nothing progressing..nothing being talked about between characters. Not after all of the attention they brought to his backstory and even Zelda’s feelings.

But I know that’s probably going to happen.

But hey! Maybe I’ll be proved wrong.

Of course this is all super earlier thoughts and worries since we don’t know shit about the new game, haha. I’m just spitting out what comes to mind.

And I know it’ll be more about the deep story Nintendo is wanting to show which, awesome! I’m excited! More excited for that to be honest.

Again, I don’t mean to repeat my self here and you probably won’t believe me from how much I’ve said this now, but this truly isn’t about me being a zelink shipper.

It’s literally..

Nintendo.. if 👏you👏are👏going👏to👏actually👏draw👏attention👏to👏why👏Link👏is👏silent👏and👏actually👏confirm👏that👏a👏zelda👏legit👏told👏someone👏that👏she👏has👏eyes👏for👏her👏knight👏then👏dont👏dodge👏the👏shit👏you👏put👏on👏the👏table👏yourself👏and👏not👏address👏your👏shit👏and keep👏link👏being👏a blank👏slate👏when👏it👏no👏longer👏makes👏sense👏then👏what👏the fuck👏writing👏are👏you doing👏

....

This👏is👏no👏longer👏the👏past👏link👏But is👏now👏the👏link👏you👏said👏has👏changed👏👏👏

Again, this stuff probably ain’t even a second thought to other people..I’m not saying this is the most important shit in the world to me..this is just something that I thought about and decided to let out cause I just can haha

Sorry that this is so unnessarily long.

I can lose focus and wind up not even getting to my point or not making my point clear..so..like..I’m sorry, lol. I probably explained myself horribly.

#LRG rambles #LRG rants #lol?

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grinwolfe · 5 years

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Ok ok ok

I've had this fanfic in my head for a while and I'm not sure if I'll ever write it because I've never been much of a writer but I want to share my idea anyways.

It's a Lucifer/Supernatural crossover.

Let's say it starts in the supernatural universe when the boys are on a hunt, probably something like a werewolf or vampire, a cliche monster. I think it could be in any season since this would be an identical setup to the French mistake, unless we use Jack who is notoriously bad at controlling his powers.

I originally went with the idea that only Sam and Dean get sucked into Lucifer's universe, but I think Castiel getting dragged along too makes a better juxtaposition to the angels in the foreign universe. Trouble is, the monster gets sucked through too, and they land in a wide alley.

In the confusion, the monster succeeds in overpowering the boys and tearing off. They give chase, guns/machete/angel blade out until they reach the street, which is packed full of people and a few beat cops hanging around too, so they act natural and hide their weapons.

They figure out they're in Los Angeles, Sam tries to call Jack to let him know what's happened but the number is disconnected. Castiel tries to sense Jack but he can't, which naturally makes them all concerned. The brothers have contacts all over, LA is no different so one of them starts calling to find backup, since they don't have the impala with all the hunter gear and FBI disguises. Every single call is a wrong number. Up a creek without a paddle they decide to find a place where they can use a computer- internet cafe, library, wherever.

About 6 hours later, Detective Decker is called to a crime scene, Ella examining a recently savaged body and Lucifer consulting. Ella remarks on the uber weirdness, how it seems almost animalistic, the strength that would be needed to rip the poor soul apart. Lucifer cracks jokes, like he does, but not much else can be made of it until the coroner can examine further.

About 20 min previous, the boys were sitting in a cheap hotel room. While very similar to their own universe there have been enough differences for them to cotton on that they're not in Kansas anymore which they all find very distressing. Castiel is mollified to find he is still an angel and still has all his abilities. Dean bought a radio and some other supplies and has built a police scanner. As per previous supernatural episodes, they know that they will need the grace of an archangel to get back to their own universe, but they absolutely must kill the monster before they go. Sam has searched and found no mention of Hunters, Men of Letters, or monsters at all, besides the normal mythos that always exists. They pick up the call for the recently mentioned deceased, and decide to go see what's up.

They find themselves standing in the crowd of looky loos, and standing out as well since they're the tallest and wearing plaid in LA. Dean wants to pretend to be agent with the fake badge in his wallet but Sam stops him, reminding him it's a different universe and their badges might look very different from what they look like here. While they're arguing in undertones, Castiel slips under the police tape to get a closer look. He makes it about halfway there before Ella or Decker stops him, tells him off for interfering in a crime scene and to get back past the line. Cass got close enough to see that it was a monster victim and returns to the brothers, which Decker notices and makes a mental note to remember them because they were suspicious. Then the regular canvassing of the victim's friends family and coworkers starts. Ella notices a street cam aimed at the crime scene. Lucifer does... Lucifer stuff. Drama, impetuous attitudes, good ol' Luci.

The boys are feeling particularly fucked back at the hotel. No weapons, no car, no disguises, and how do you track a wandering monster in LA besides following the bodies? Castiel tries to contact Heaven on angel radio, if there is one in this universe, but he gets mixed results. There was definitely a divine influence in the world, most likely a heaven but Castiel can't be heard and what he does hear is unintelligible, possibly a difference frequency and/or code.

I'm not entirely sure on this part, but I expect Dean is drinking at a bar, alone or with any of the others. Either someone overhears that they're in trouble or they look upset enough to prompt a conversation. When they explain vaguely that what they need is nearly impossible to get and that they haven't got any friends to back them up, they are told about a nightclub owner who grants favors, occasionally the impossible one. The boys aren't sure about mingling in a foreign universe but if this man called Mr. Morningstar can get the other ingredients needed for the spell, then it can't hurt to try, can it?

Ella and Decker and Dan are reviewing the CTV footage and even though it's barely been caught in the upper left corner, its obvious this perp is acting inhuman, which they believe is a mental illness or a weird drug interaction. Once they go back to their desks Lucifer returns and Ella describes the attack as if the person was a movie monster, to which Lucifer replied that it might look that way but not to worry, his father destroyed all the monsters centuries ago.

The boys go to Lux, which is mostly empty since it's so early. A few girls are dancing, sam and cass are doubtful about getting legit help here but Dean enjoys the atmosphere. They ask the bartender for Mr. Morningstar. The bartender tells them he's not seeing anyone right now. Sam says that they need a favour. The man says they'll have better luck getting his boss's attention later tonight when all the guests come. Cass says it's urgent, a matter of life and death. The bartender reluctantly picks up the phone and calls upstairs to Lucifer's suite, who agrees to come down to deal with them.

The first thing Lucifer does when he sees them is comment on the plaid, asking if they just came from a hunting trip and asking Castiel if he is an accountant. He was going to turn them away but once seeing them in person, they were the perfect combination of weird and sexy to keep his interest. They say they hear he's the man to come to for favors and that they need supplies. Lucifer prompts them to get to the point. Sam tries to prepare him, that it sounds ridiculous but it's really important that it's all authentic. They list off the ingredients needed to send them back, sans archangel grace. Lucifer asks 'what on earth do you need all that for?' And points out that everything they've asked for is priceless if not impossible to find. He asks again what they want it for, and for that matter who are they, and the boys give up, getting up to leave because explaining that they're from another universe will just get them laughed out anyways.

Before they take a step Decker comes in and calls out 'Lucifer!' The boys freeze and Decker comes down, apologising for interrupting and Lucifer waves her apology aside. As she comes up to him to talk the boys all turn back to him, and cass pulls out his angel blade. Lucifer wonders what they are really up to, they seems to have extensive divine knowledge. They ask him if he's lucifer to which he confirms. They continue checking and confirming that he is indeed the fallen angel. Decker realizes these men were at the crime scene and sees the angel blade sticking out of the end of castiel's sleeve. Before she can say anything Dean draws his gun on Lucifer. It's all a kerfuffle, decker is trying to talk the boys down and then Maze walks in, and Castiel can see her true face so he let's everyone know, which surprises Lucifer and he asks how does cass know? Cass replies that he's an angel. Lucifer asks which one? Cass gives his name and Lucifer disagrees since knows his brother castiel and this man was not it. Maze says that cass doesnt look like an angel but he also doesn't look right as a human. Angel possession is talked about, which is in the SpN universe but not Luci's. Probably play around with the idea that Angel's in this universe can have their own bodies because they are a product of two very different beings, light and dark, while castiel is just made from light and frequency. Maze says he looks like something huge and alive got shoved up inside a human shaped jar. Sam reminds Dean that they will need Lucifer's grace to get home and they lower their weapons reluctantly.

Lucifer at some point shows off by showing his wings which astounds the boys. Castiel is urged to try it and for the first time the brothers see cass's black wings. The brothers admit that they're both working the same case, that its a monster they brought over from another universe and what its specs are- decker is getting fatigued by two revelations in one day.

Regular shenanigans continue. The boys are determined to hate Lucifer but the more time they spend with him the more they bond: dean with good food, alcohol and women, sam with insider history lore and bad jokes, castiel with Lucifer's clear affection for decker and his desire to protect humans. There will be karaoke at some point. The boys help with the case, meet Ella and hit it off. They meet Dan and really don't. There are clashes in methodology, decker sees the fake badge and the brothers explain that they dont get paid to save the world.

And I dont really know after that point. Obviously they kill the monster and get home, and that they wish they could have this Lucifer instead of theirs. Anyone is welcome to this story, if you want to do something with it. I'm great at starting but I lose interest once there's work to be done.

#fanfic #fanfiction #lucifer morningstar #lucifer #supernatural #crossover

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game84cube · 5 years

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F/O Takeover/List

Alrighty, so I may have started off on the wrong foot. Allow me to apologize for my odd choices. I used a younger character as my starting f/o, but I shouldn't be doing that. I will keep the character around, but will be sorely platonic. No need to strike me down anymore, plz.

With that said, let's go down the new list

Romantic:

Camilla (Fire Emblem) [sort of an unofficial girlfriend. Lot of flirty talk and embraces. Technically a friend, but acts as if she was my girlfriend. If I ever ask about it, she just turns away, possibly blushing, and i can't help but have my heart race through it. I'll find the courage to tell her how i feel soon.]

Sonia (Pokemon) [possible candidate as well, but more of a crush from afar, like the popular girl in class you know nothing about. (This is mostly because I cant tell how old she's supposed to be)]

Platonic: (I got a lot of them)

Garret Carter (Potential, OC) [Well I gotta be friends with my own guy, right? We chill, we play games (very badly), we cook together and eat together and we eat a lot. I also run his fan site for him and the World League of Fighters, or the WLF. Kind of a douchebag, but the one you wanna hang with.]

Hatsune Miku (Vocaloid) [Current Manager. Apparently I do a good job for her too. Basic stuff, really. I can't help with actually producing new music, but I help with concerts and such. The other Vocaloids are really nice too, but I dont see them often.]

Sonic the Hedgehog (duh) [legit childhood hero. Mostly for my main character, Garret, since he too is a speedster. Definitely hangs around when I'm making chili, since he says it goes awesome on chili dogs. I even make onion rings too.]

Ren Amamiya/Akira Kusuru/Joker (Persona 5) [coolest dude I know and surprisingly nice too. Also kind of a dork, and he's awesome for it. I'm aware of his lifestyle and I'm almost like a second Mishima, hyping up the Phantom Thieves. I'm actually in good with all of the Phantom Thieves. Ryuji is a great pal, and Morgana is surprisingly cuddly when you get on his good side, though I worry what will happen when he becomes human. Yusuke is a great art critic and even tries to use my designs as inspirations, though I'm perplexed as to why, since I draw cartoons. Ann is super nice and, while it took time to work up courage to talk to her (I admit shes very cute) we became quick friends and she likes to help me bake, though usually it's for taste testing... Makoto took some time to warm up to, since our personalities clashed a bit, but we'll get there. Haru also helps me bake, and in return I help her in her garden, usually heavy lifting and such. We even get coffee sometimes. I'll get to Futaba later.]

Shantae (duh) [helped her in a different adventure where she was fully a genie, trapped in her lamp, and we had to save her home along with getting her human side back from Risky (dont ask). We keep up with each other nowadays. (Based on a fanfic idea I had with my main character)]

Familial f/o

Futaba Sakura/ Oracle (Persona 5) [told you I'd get back to her soon. We have basically the same interests and I also helped her rally come out of her shell. At that point she didn't want me to go at all, so even though Ren shows up from time to time, and I prefer adventuring, Sojiro offered me a room. Long story short, she's my adoptive sister and I'd die for her]

Roll (MegaMan) [C'mon, she's too adorable. It's unofficial, but I, along with Rock himself, protect her like she's my sister as well.]

This feels like a good start. I hope I am accepted in the community and if anything I hope you got a good read out of some of these headcanons. Thanks to @husband-of-lucoa for the assistance.

#f/o #f/os #f/o takeover

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malamelodies · 3 years

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mind tricks

my mind is going a million miles a minute. the clock states its 322 in the morning. had an argument with man friend that started with the intention of me sharing that I'm scared and easily nestled its way into the past, and then getting defensive then we couldn't hear each other any more. and now I feel like I'm on eggshells, even though I want to believe its all in my mind. I want to lean into the dreams and hopes. I heard my name being whispered to me as I tried to doze off to sleep. who is calling me? is it my higher self or a spirit of the sorts. all of this is happening and I try not to feel alone, but I do. being an only child is catching up to me. I need to talk with Emma about this. really get to the root of why its effecting me so much. with man friend, it could either go one way or the other. he leans into it or he doesn't. how do I maintain my equilibrium in whatever is decided. I saw a myriad of images as I tried to fall asleep, krater induced, Im sure. a baby boy. proposal. why does it follow me? he says wait at least a year until we talk about marriage. in hindsight, that's totally what I want too, but then I think about my age and I want to push it. how do I balance that. how do I trust that it will happen. and I acknowledge that part of me wants to lean into parenthood because then I feel like then I can feel secure in us becoming a team. its so silly. I have never wanted it that way. I want it to be intentional and loved up and showing devotion to holding each other. I want to feel safe with my partner. is it because I want to cultivate it within myself? its said that we are reflections of one another, so in all that I say and see in him, do I just need to reverse the dialogue to becoming internal towards myself. im getting so confused because I sincerely believe in community and devotion. dad always said a sacrifice isn't a sacrifice if its for someone we love, and I think im being flexible but am I not being flexible enough? the way he casually states that if what he wants isn't in alignment with mine right now, that I can so looks for it elsewhere... that hurts my feelings so deeply. it allows me to feel disposable. that he doesn't mind if I never show up again, this past week and past weekend have been so magical, him sharing his commitment towards me. can it all change within a day. mom even said at one point “they might wake up one morning and not love you anymore’ how is that even possible? my brain and heart and spirit cannot comprehend that. alas, it is the truth for some people. what lessons are to be learned here. my first thought is trust. yes yes trust. the concept I lean into but not too much. is it because, well, I don't truly trust? ha aint that a big ol pickle.

people tell me that not this phase has ended at LoveNest that I need to be very clear on what. want next. what if I dont know? what fi I have general ideas? I want to live with Jedidiah, I want to grow my business. I want a garden, two of these are dependent upon me. and I feel bad, I actually feel bad that ti am putting that kind of pressure/expectation on him. its like genie in a bottle, I can iwhs for things, but not love. part of me believes that if I have a booming business, then the love with come 10 fold. it shows independence and dedication. im actually going to look up craft fairs; and the fist link I click states that they're cancelled. invest my money properly.

that is another desire. weekends being filled up with craft fairs to table at. and farmers markets. then to invest $5000.00 in stock and for them to double in a few months and exponentially keep growing. put $2000.00 in bonds and keep them there for a longer period of time. in 6 months I want to successfully sell my car and get an SUV. self focus and self care will allow for the biggest desire to flourish.

the main thing that moving out of this house has shown me, is I can get horse vision around something that only I can do. I would like to get that with my job now. within the first few months into this new year, I want to bring in 4000. 10 orders of 100 dollars. switch the focus onto audible books about business and marketing. people who want to team up. I've received os much support for moonflower essence along the way. and I truly feel that its a family affair. I want to have employees and a warehouse. I need to get in. get my clinical herbal certificate. take that seriously. continue to expand on ways I can keep growing. the vision I got from the breast workshop.. I want that tremendously. I was able to feel it. it reminds me of the magic of burning man and the first time I want I was told not to imagine what it would look like, rather than the feeling it is. I feel confident. at ease. loved tremendously. I feel important and cared for. the capacity to help others because I am the flowering card of osho. I feel sexy, inspired and creative. creating new products along with art and music. working up to a real size harp. taking on responsibilities with ease and laughter. witty. feeling beautiful. my skin radiant. such a healthy body. experimental with cooking. emotionally mature and intelligent. able to provide for my parents. dancing and laughter. traveling. open to try new things. charisma. enchantment.

and the little girl in me wants to be proposed too, have a love ceremony. have a husband/parter who will draw my bath and rub my feet. thoughtfulness, and brings so much laughter and care. that we continue to crack each other up into old age, that the grandkids love us and we've built a beautiful support system of friends who have become family. lots of gathering and sexy time exploration. we travel the world together and as a family. we genuinely care for each other and continue to tend to the garden of love in incorporating things like therapy and tantra and nonviolent communication and dance and singing together and cooking melas together. we make a great team and NOTHING is fleeting, we are devoted to each other. not codependent. we are independent and live our own lives, and there is NO wavering in the fact that we are in it to win it till our last breath and beyond. I see movies where the couple is old but they are in it together. through the hard times and the difficult. the world has turned upside-down, but they still have each other. rom-com success. I believe in that. I see that with my parents. and when I feel it in my heart, I feel it within me too. and out of all the people in the world, by heart keeps whispering Jedidiah. but I need to keep it under wraps. I feel like as soon as I lean into it, and show him a smidgen more than the bare minimum, he steps away. and what is crazy is that he thinks I already love him so much, but its not even the full surface. as soon as a I feel a promise of commitment, wowed. fireworks and shooting stars.

but until that day come, if it ever comes, I need to just focus on me.

he doesn't see the point of proposal, and that within itself is a red flag. its something so incredibly special. but here I ma. being flexible and putting my desires at the way side, until, so I hope, he comes around. but wha tif he doesn't? what if is all talk. why do I keep believing in it? I want to feel empowerment in being a hopeful romantic vs a hopeless one. I have a really big heart.and I know the capacity is limitless. I just want. family. a big ol; family. I want to legit call Amy Jera and Sarah my sisters. to call Peter dad and Kathleen mom. I feel so weird for wanting that because homie isn't not he same page. every time I drive over train tracks, for years, I wish that he proposes. every time I hold my breath through a tunnel, I wish that were married.and I know when that happens the business and morey situation will be thriving, because he doesn't want me for just me, hell want me for my accomplishments. its fucking gross, but its true. even with the trailer, I thought he wanted to move in together and now I feel he wants to do that because the trailer will be under my name. is it just a story? or is it the truth? when will I become we? for now, sleepy heard, get some rest and read up on fairs and stocks tomorrow/today. I love you.

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roman-reigns-princess · 7 years

Text

Sugar and Spice (Roman Reigns): Chapter 1

Chapter 2 Read it on Wattpad Writing Masterlist

Summary: Aasha and Leati lives are intertwined; it began with a simple contract six years ago that led to love and romance. Although they now live together, they lead busy lives that ten to keep them apart for weeks on end.They finally get a week to themselves in one of their favourite cities, Rome, Italy. Aasha has a couple surprises prepared for Leati, but little does she know, he has a couple of huge surprises for her as well.

Warnings (for the fic over all, not specifically this chapter): cis-female OC, 18+, definitely smutty, daddy kink, schoolgirl kink(?), anal play, choking, age difference, unprotected sex (wrap it up yall), maybe a lil bit of a breeding kink (dont @ me), possibly semi-public sex, idk if this needs a warning but I use his first name in this fic just cause i really love it?

Aasha (OFC) Face Claim: Alia Bhatt (but like thiccer, and w longer hair)

Word Count: 2813

A/N: I wanna thank @reignwithflair and @macfizzle for helpin me out w this fic, and giving me some bomb ass ideas. Legit had this fic in my drafts since like June, but thanks to them i finally got it started properly. I originally wanted it to be more focused on their sugar relationship, but i added too much romance so like idk what to even call this fic anymore im sorry yall

Tag List: @macfizzle @reignwithflair @hoodgirl163 @vivalavonvon @imagines–assemble @spidermans-l-o-v-e-r@lavitabella87 @queenreignsempire @ziasaph @vanity1385@itsnethbellins @itsilovelukehemmings@randomfandompenguin @mrsamberlopezgoodanoai @harrystacowwe@hoshithehotspur @flawlessglamazon@inkedirishbbydoll-blog-blog @miss-limited-edition @kakakatey@moneypowergloryfameliquorlove@romanxreignz @firered82 @southernbelle91@reigningxo @littledeadrottinghood @cute-face-chubby-waist @arrowtothecrown@roman-reigns-truth @romansambrose @it-is-reigning-men @fictionalabyss @cool-snowball-22-blog

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Tucking her phone and room key into her purse, Aasha made her way to the elevator to go down to the bar in the hotel. Leati's flight wouldn't land for at least another half hour, meaning he'd probably get to the hotel in an hour.

She had arrived earlier in the day, and spent most of it preparing a surprise for him, going through the internet, and asking friends who had experience; she figured she'd treat herself a little before he got here.

She'd known for a while now that Leati had a thing for the whole school girl outfit, and Aasha had been getting more and more curious about trying anal, though she hadn't said anything about it to Leati.

Over the past month or so she had been working her way up from the smallest anal plug, looking up how to do enemas properly, and talking to experienced friends. She'd also been putting together the perfect outfit for him, choosing each article of clothing separately to fit the idea she had in mind.

However, both their schedules had been too busy and they'd barely seen each other for the past 3 weeks. They were finally getting a whole week to themselves, and Leati suggested that they spend it in Rome at the renowned Westin Excelsior.

The Westin Excelsior was a stunning hotel that stood right in the middle of Rome; the architecture reminiscent of Ancient Roman palaces. The building itself was six stories tall, with a dome on top of one corner. Leati had, as usual, booked the biggest, most luxurious suite; the Villa La Cupola took up a good portion of the fifth and sixth floor of the hotel, including the dome.

Aasha's eyes nearly popped out of her head when she first walked into their villa. The living room was huge, decorated with a beautiful fresco; the velvety red curtains hanging from the floor to ceiling windows were drawn, allowing the sun to brighten up the room and warm up the marble floors.

It had its own kitchen, dining room, studio, and even a private gym, but her favourite feature was the Roman bath style Jacuzzi on the sixth floor that led to a terrace over looking the city, with St. Peter's Basilica in the distance.

The bedroom was another work of art; the floors covered with a beige and brown carpet that had red and peach designs curling across, matching the furniture, and heavy curtains.

There was a king sized bed pushed back against the wall, positioned so that the sun lit up the pristine white sheets; it was high enough that she needed to hop up onto it. The four posts around the bed were painted a bright gold that was offset by the gold patterned red drapes hanging off of them.

The rest of the hotel was just as beautiful, with its marble flooring, and artwork. She wandered around a little, admiring the beautiful paintings, and statues that decorated the different hallways before asking one of the staff to point her in the direction of the bar.

The bar was fairly empty, with only a small group of people occupying a corner of the room. Aasha hopped up onto one of the leather clad bar stools and ordered a cherry martini from the bartender. She thanked the bartender and gave him the room number to open a tab.

As she sat at the bar enjoying her drink, her mind began to wander back a few years to when she was in a similar place, waiting to meet Leati for the first time.

Aasha sat at the table of a fancy restaurant, her delicate fingers running up and down the stem of her glass as she waited for him. She had never been this nervous before, especially since she'd never done anything like this before either.

She was barely into her first year of college, and she was switching her major to photography, something her parents were not willing to financially support. Aasha didn't want to take student loans, but fortunately, her friend had told her about the arrangement she had with her sugar daddy, and Aasha had decided to give it a shot.

She had made it explicitly clear that she wasn't willing to do anything sexual for money; coming from a religious, Indian family, she had done barely anything more than kissing. She didn't really care about waiting till marriage to have sex, but she wasn't comfortable with the idea of having her first time be with some random guy who payed her for it.

It came as quite a surprise to her when Leati contacted her. She'd expected him to be less attractive, and much older than he was; granted he was about 10 years older than her, but he was only in his late 20s.

He had given her basic information about himself, and what he would want out of an arrangement, and they had agreed to meet face to face before finalizing anything. He was one of the founders of a major security company that often provided bodyguards to the highest ranking people, and he simply wanted someone to attend work functions with him without the hassle or drama of courting someone.

She was so lost in her thoughts that when a large hand gently gripped her shoulder she jumped, nearly knocking her virgin strawberry daiquiri over in the process; she looked up at the owner to find Leati Anoa'i looking down at her.

"Hi, you must be Aasha, I'm Leati," he said, flashing her a smile.

Her lips parted a little as her eyes drank him in, he was even more beautiful in real life, and certainly more intimidating if he wasn't smiling. He wore a grey suit with a red tie, his hair was slicked back into a bun, and he was clean shaven except for his mustache and goatee.

She blinked a couple times before realizing she was staring at him, she hurriedly stood up and held out her hand, a blush spread across her face as it finally occurred to her that she had no idea what she was supposed to do.

"I-um, yeah-it's good to meet you," she stuttered, biting the inside of her cheek for that. Her face turned redder as he chuckled and gently wrapped his hand around her fingers and pressed a light kiss on her knuckles.

"Pleasure's all mine, babygirl," he replied, letting go of her hand so they could both take a seat. "So, what would you like to eat?"

They spent the rest of the evening talking, and getting to know each other. He was one of three of the major owners of the company, he lived in Tampa about 45 minutes away from her, and he traveled a lot. By the end of the night, Aasha was relaxed, and comfortable enough around him to explain what she wanted, and what she was willing to do.

They didn't have any clashing needs, and he was more than happy to tell her that he'd draw up an agreement as soon as possible for the both of them to sign. He didn't seem to care that she wanted to keep their relationship platonic, but he did say once that if she wanted to go further he wouldn't be opposed to it.

Setting down her empty glass, she left a generous tip for the bartender, and slowly began to make her way back up to the room.

Over time her and Leati's relationship had evolved. They had become good friends, and she stuck with him through two attempted hostile takeovers by his partners even when he tried telling her he didn't want her caught up in that. He started bringing her to family gatherings, stating that he wanted his mother to stop bugging him about settling down. She got to know his family, his twin cousins who became his new partners, and even became close friends with his sister-in-laws, Trinity and Kecia.

As they spent more time together, she started to develop feelings for Leati, but her fear of rejection kept her silent, until one day she got a little too tipsy at an event and ended up confessing to him in the car.

Leati had a firm grip on Aasha's waist as they made their way down the steps of the hotel; he was glowering from the incident moments ago, one hand clenched into a fist at his side. Aasha couldn't help the shiver of fear that ran through her when she looked up at him, the only other time she'd seen him this angry was when Colby tried to wrest the company from Leati.

She'd known that this conference was a bad idea, she tried telling Leati that the McMahons would probably send Lopez as their representative to hopefully throw him off or simply to sew discord, but Leati's stubborn Italian pride wouldn't let him back down from this. To his credit, he managed to keep a lid on his emotions for most of the conference, that is until the farewell dinner.

Leati had left her alone momentarily to go to the restroom, which gave Colby the opportunity to slink up to her with that typical half smirk etched into his face. She gave him a polite smile and took a large sip of her champagne, not wanting to stir up any shit when they were so close to leaving.

"It's been too long, Aasha, you're looking good," she cringed as Colby's eyes took their time looking her over. "We never talk anymore, not even a Happy New Year text?"

"That's your own fault, Lopez," she glared at him, she wanted to get up and leave but there were people standing around the table, blocking her off; the only exit was past the man leering at her. "No one forced you to stab us-him in the back."

"Us? Did you guys finally hook up? Or is it still purely platonic?" he scoffed, not even bothering to acknowledge everything else she'd said.

"N-no, we're just good friends, something you obviously know nothing about," she bit back, taking another gulp of her drink.

"So you're not off the market? Cause I assure you, I can be a very good friend," Colby's smirk widened into a malicious smile as he leaned in, a hand coming to rest on her bare knee. She recoiled with disgust, ready to throw her drink in his face when she felt a larger hand grab her arm, pulling her up and away from him.

She looked up to see Leati glaring at his former partner; Colby had the good sense to look somewhat scared as he stood up and subtly tried to back away. For each step he took back, the large Samoan took two forward.

"Hey, hey, listen, he's not worth it, let's just leave," Aasha pleaded, tugging at his arm. She tried not to shiver as he looked at her, his infamous volcanic rage simmering in his eyes. "Please."

"Fine," he said, giving Lopez one last scathing look before turning on his heel to march off with his arm around Aasha's waist. She texted the driver to meet them at the front as they made their way through the halls of the hotel.

They came to a stop at the entrance, waiting for the driver to pull up with their limo. Aasha turned to Leati, unbuttoning his jacket to slide her arms around him as she buried her face in the crook of his neck. A startled sound bubbled in his throat, but he hugged her back, kissing the top of her head. They stayed like that until the car drove up.

"I'm sorry," Leati said as he settled in next to her; she looked up at him in surprise. "I know you hate it when I get mad, I just couldn't stand the fact that he put his hands on you, I didn't mean to scare you."

"No, it's okay, you could never scare me, it was actually kinda hot," she mumbled the last part, her face heating up at the confession. She buried her face in his shoulder when his serious expression turned into a smirk. She arched into him as he slid a hand up her spine to grab her hair and pull her head back.

"You think it's hot?" he asked, a dangerous gleam in his eyes as he leaned in closer so that his face was inches from hers. "I-"

She cut him off with a kiss, her hands grabbing his shoulders to pull him closer. His arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her onto him so that she was straddling his lap. She teasingly bit his lip, eliciting a deep growl from him. She pulled away to look up at him, the both of them panting a little as they stared at each other wide eyed.

"I think I love you," she blurted.

Aasha chuckled at the memory as she walked into the VIlla; back then she had been mortified, but thinking back to it now it seemed rather funny.

Glancing at her phone she saw that she had 40 more minutes till Leati got there. It would be just enough time to shower, and finish the final steps for her surprise. She took a quick 15 minute shower, then hopped out to grab the lube and one of her plugs. She decided to go with one of the smaller ones with a pink diamond on the top because she didn't want to deal with any discomfort.

After working it in, she left the lube in the drawer of a nightstand by the bed, slipped on a shorter baby pink silk robe, and went back to the bathroom to dry off her hair. She finished just in time to hear the door to the Villa opening and closing.

"Aasha?" Her face lit up as she heard Leati's deep voice. She let out a shriek of happiness, rushing out of the bathroom to find him setting his bags down in the bedroom. She practically jumped into his arms, making him laugh as he picked her up with one arm; much to her delight he had grown his beard out, but it also tickled her skin as he buried his face in her neck. "I missed you too, babe."

"God you look so good, it feels like it's been forever, I hate being apart for that long, promise me we won't have to spend more than a week apart again, Lea," she mumbled, giving him a deep kiss to show him just how much she missed him; his chest rumbled against her as he chuckled at the nickname she'd used.

"I dunno if I can promise that, but I'm sure if you gave the Board a good talkin to, they'll see things your way," he joked, walking to the bed to set her down. She pulled back to give him a mock glare before grabbing the front of his shirt to bring him in for another kiss.

His large hands roamed over her thighs, pushing up her robe as he massaged her soft skin; her own hands were busy rediscovering his strong chest, enjoying the warmth that she had desperately missed over the past few weeks, when he pushed her back with a quick shove before dropping to his knees to push her legs apart. She was about to let him when she remembered that she'd prepared surprises for him.

"Wait! No, I, uh," she said, hurriedly sitting up and clamping her legs shut. Leati gave her the cutest pout as he stood up. "I'm sorry, its just I got you a couple surprises but I haven't finished putting them together. Why don't you go take a shower, I'll be done by then."

"I GUESS I can wait a little while longer," he sighed dramatically, giving her a kiss and a grin. "You better be done by the time I'm out, cause I'll fuck you right where you stand, got it?"

"Yes, Daddy," she said with a cheeky smirk as she pushed him towards the bathroom. He gave her one last kiss, and landed a smack on her ass before walking into the shower.

Aasha dug through her bag, pulling on the outfit she had put together; a white button up shirt tucked into a flow-y black skirt that barely covered her ass, white thigh high socks held up by black thigh garters, and a loosely tied black tie. She could hear her boyfriend getting out of the shower and turning on the hair dryer which gave her just enough time to brush her own hair out and pull it up into two ponytails.

She just finished tucking her brush away, and unbuttoning the top 3 buttons of her shirt when the bathroom door opened and out stepped Leati in nothing but a towel.

#roman reigns #roman reigns fic #roman reigns fanfic #roman reigns fanfiction #roman reigns smut #wwe fic #wwe smut #wwe fanfiction #sugar and spice #my post #my writing

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mijikai-tan · 7 years

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QUESTION! What's your opinion on satanick and ivlis?

ehhh, might going to put this read more because there are some crazy rabid fans that loves these two so y e ah- There are some negative opinions of mine and if you cant handle them, then, unfollow me now or block me immediately because Im about to speak badly of your favs soo, heres my opinion

Opinion on sa/////ta///////n///////ick- At first, after I played TGG and saw some official arts of the devils together (man those were the good times) seeing sata//////n///ick being an ass to iv////li///s- meh, I didnt care about that, tho ivlis was punished after what he did in the game, right(?) Moving on, at first, I used to thought satanick was actually a badass but an asshole with good qualities and was mysterious to me at first. Like he was legit a cool asshole, just like idate. Super badass and cool to me at first. But all of that view on him went downhill later after nick and iv///lis became canon in 2016. Now, I don’t hate sata////nick just because the ship is gay (I neither don’t hate or dislike it, I just dont care for it) However, based on the constant harassment and sexual shit hes done to iv/////lis for the past what, a year now(?) (its fucking gross) the sat///an////iv///lis arc, yeah, its actually pretty tiring to see his character went to a waste. Yeah sure, he’s still an asshole but to me, he’s pretty much is now turned into a character that only exists for fanservice which is disappointing to see. He had so much potential but all of that was wasted. Same goes for iv//////lis, I’ll explain all that later. But yeah, both characters in my opinion, yeah, they’ve had so much potential but it was wasted.

Opinion on I///////////v//////////lis- At first,same with satanick, I thought he was a COOL and BADASS villian. He was an asshole too and had good qualities of being one. He was such a good villian and was a big asshole, infact he was also scary to me too. All that good stuff until he became canon with nick and all of his character potential is wasted just for fanservice just to please the fans. Not only that, he also lost CHARACTER. What happened to the old iv/////lis????Where is his villianous character????His asshole character????? He became nothing more but a helpless character that does NOTHING to stand against sata///nick and being babied over and over which is tiring and disappointing to see. It was honestly a big disappointment to see all of this went to a downhill just to please the fans and dsp continues to milk it for the fans (Mainly the JPN fandom). I hate it when characters are turned into nothing but fanservice. And if you said iv/////lis had character development, sorry, I dont want to agree on that. He lost character and that is what I solely strongly believe in.

And all of this is the reason why I dont even check DSP’S website anymore. Because of these two, I;ve growned tired of them, same with other few ppl I know, got tired and left the fandom. However, Im only mainly am on the WATGBS fan-side and samewada fanbase so yeah, not really part of the dsp fandom but however I have a friend of mine who constantly checks sunahama for me and tells me updates that doesnt have to do with satan///////ivlis. The content I want to see other then sata/////n///ivlis are WATGBS, TGG (no ivlis), mogeko castle, and their 100+ other characters. I also look forward to see atleast a backstory on some of their characters AND some character development from other different characters and also, if they ever plan to release a new game or not too so yeah, kudos to my friend who keeps checking the sunahama for other content

Also, before you go say in my inbox saying “But DSP gets to do whatever they want, they can draw whatever the fuck they want, stop complaining!!!” Yes, you are correct, I agree on that, they are allowed to draw whatever the heck they want. Thats totally is up to them since they are a creator. But, lm just tired of the same thing they draw so yeah.

Remember, this is just my OPINION. If you are strongly offended by reading all of this, I would suggest you to either unfollow me or block me. Also, complaints will be deleted and ignored :^) Your arguments are invalid either way

#Going to lose so much followers for this but yknow what Idc #I'll let out my opinions on this because I;ve held it in for so long #its time to say what i think

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tumblunni · 6 years

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fuck, that story did so many complex things with morality, i think that’s why ultimately it was his most well remembered story like the basic premise of a unicorn looking for the other unicorns is basically nothing compared to the MILLION DEEP QUESTIONS it kindles in childrens’s brains along the way! and like, the fact that it was even aimed at children despite having so much dark imagery and psychological horror. and how the psychological horror comes from weird places?? like, it subverts and analyzes the fairytale genre and turns a lot of commonly accepted ‘happy ending’ things into absolute burning hell and eighty million other far more interesting plotlines springing from the corpse of the cliche it just killed. I love it. I LOVE IT.

Random examples of stuff that really intrigued me as a kid!

* the whole idea of how it starts off, that this unicorn just legit doesn’t know that anything happened to the rest of her people. she’s lived alone for centuries and doesn’t even know what loneliness is until she finds out that the world has changed while she wasn’t looking, and her assumption that there’s a million other forests with a million other unicorns was false. And like.. her journey is really complex because of it? her motivation is less about saving a family she personally knew, and more about the fear of being forgotten like they were, and like.. ‘do i even have any value if i’m not defined as a unicorn anymore, if people forget what unicorns mean?’ And like the idea of her first meeting other unicorns for the first time and having even mroe challenges to her perception of reality, like thats not even something she WANTS but the same somewhat rude and egotistical sense of honor she has as an immortal is gonna keep her going towards an ending that probably won’t be happy in any way.

* the many many nuanced moments where the unicorn completely fucks up and is generally allowed to be a flawed protagonist, despite existing in a narrative that’s from her perspective and paints her as perfect and her philosophy as the only thing that exists. And like.. how many of her fuckup moments are ABOUT her being this perfect godly figure to everyone else! How molly breaks down at seeing a unicorn NOW, instead of back when she was young and had hope of a happy fairytale ending. How she feels like she isn’t worthy of a unicorn even looking at her anymore, and how it manifetss into screaming anger, blaming this thing for being too late. And how the unicorn didn’t even know that this woman was waiting for her, and hinging her entire life worth on meeting her, and like.. molly isn’t prepared to look at it that way, if anything its even scarier to think that the people you idealise just DIDNT CARE. And how its complex cos i mean its not like the unicorn is bad, either?? She just didnt know what she meant to humans until she got out of her forest and started meeting them. She was so self-absorbed and proud about being immortal without even knowing the reason why magical creatures are considered godly. And its so complex cos the way she figures it out is via the actions of an asshole villain, like seriously its SO SAD that she gets to see little human kids feeling like they have a reason to live just from seeing the false image of a unicorn that the creepy slavemaster witch lady shows to them. the unicorn herself was powerless to be what they needed her to be, and all she even cared about was judging the humans as rude bastards for not being able to see her, rather than thinking about it as it really is, and realizing that its not like they don;t want to, they’re absolutely desperate to...

* and okay just seriously THE COMPLEX NATURE OF HUMANITY! cos she sees all the worst of humans and all the best of them too, and the story doesn’t even draw any conclusions as to whether we’re worth it, it’s up to you to decide

* also it was really deep and complex how becoming human wasn’t just a cliche happy ending for her! it was TERRIFYING! being forced into a new body wasnt even the worst part, it was the loss of identity factor that hit her after she was limited into a non immortal mind and soul. she goes crazy ‘feeling this body die around her’ and gets scared that she’s going to forget her old self, and also scared of going back to her old self because she doesnt know if these things like love are impossible for unicorns and she’ll become unable to feel them anymore. her opinion of herself falls so far from arrogance into outright FEAR! and its so fucked up because being human is hurting her like this yet she’s also kinda idealizing humanity and blaming it for all her positive character development and like SHE’S ANGRY AND SCARED OF POSITIVE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT??? it fucking makes my soul weep and then the ending is so fucked up cos she does return to being a unicorn, and no she doesnt stop feeling love for the human guy she fell for, and all her human friends who helped her this far. but now she’s burdened with the knowledge that she will never die and they will, so the story just ends with her running away so she doesn’t have to feel that pain, or burden them with any more pain too. And she’s even more alone than she was at the start, because she knows that none of the other unicorns understand these emotions, they’re all like her pre character development self and she could never be part of their world again. Its complex because these positive emotions and this kinder personality is like.. a curse to her. because at least she didnt hurt when she was blissfully oblivious, and didnt care about anyone but herself. Its like.. was this newfound ability to feel love actually a blessing, if she gets the love but also the ability to have her happy ending is forever lost to her? so really all she gained was the power to be aware that she was suffering all along. and like even if she managed to get magicked into a human again, the story makes it clear that it’s intense suffering for her, its like walking on knives and her personality would just melt away and she wouldnt even remember why being able to love was so new and so important. it’d be just like someone else having a happy ending instead, and her ceasing to exist. But then the story also gives us this very clear binary where all of her personality is very much linked to being immortal, and her only choices are to live forever and be sad, or to die and not even fully be happy because she’d lose herself. and like all she accomplished was losing the option she never knew she had- to live in innocence without a concept of good and evil, and thus never regret. which isnt a happy ending either, but at least she wouldnt KNOW she was in a bad ending...

* fuck this movie is so hard to explain and so sad

* oh and!! the harpy was fuckin terrifying!! and all the morality around it was even more so! its the first time the unicorn really fucks up, cos she’s just running on the honor of all magical creatures, which is very far from concepts like good and evil. she has to free a fellow immortal, even if its clear that the harpy is evil and will only do harm. but she doesnt even fully understand evil yet, all she knows is.. like.. fear? and betrayal. she knows that for some reason she doesnt understand, she fears this other person who is like her. and subconciously she recognises the darker side of what an innocence of good and evil can turn you into. but she recklessly chooses to ignore the humans trying to explain morality t her, cos thats just a human thing she doesnt need to care about, right? and then what ultimately surprises and scares her isn’t that the harpy does what humans think are evil, but that the harpy has no loyalty to the one who freed her, and immediately tries to kill the unicorn too. And you even get the sense that the unicorn would have still freed her even if she expected this would happen, its just this sense of duty between immortals because being caged means so much more when you’ll never even have the release of death. And i mean.., that’s kind of a point, too. the story’s one moment of embracing cliches is that it says that the harpy is just inherantly evil and was born evil, rather than more directly placing it as a parallel to the unicorn’s absence of good and evil. how do we know that this thing really IS an embodiment of all hatred, and its not just a lost and deluded creature like our protagonist, whose moral neutrality got pushed down the wrong path due to the difference of life it had once it first encountered humans? i mean, the unicorn encounters plenty of shitty humans too, but she manages to at least find some good ones and like.. she had a starting point of assuming she was a proud and inherantly good creature, which was confirmed even by the humans who manipulated and hurt her. she gets to see herself worshipped by humans, even if its as a way to make a quick buck. and we don’t know how long that harpy was locked up in an even worse version of her situation, and whether the unicorn would have become just as hateful if she hadnt been resuced... Its just kinda lazy to say ‘wow its good that shitty mc fuckface locked up this inherantly evil creature, yet bad that she did the same thing to you’ But still it makes for a really scary scene cos the film really went all out in establishing what a born-evil creature would actually be like, and how fucking terrifying it would be to deal with something that just wants to kill and kill and will kill even if there’s no benefit and no logic to it. It’ll betray anyone who shows kindness to it, and you’re being stupid by treating it like a real sentient being with thoughts and a soul. And thats terrifying. But its also fucking sad. And its the one lack of complex morality in this story. but i guess maybe i wasnt supposed to be a story all about exploring complex versions of morality, but just.. different and interesting ones? so taking the ‘inherantly evil’ trope and being like ‘no, you dont get to use that lightly, this is how horrifying and child-unfriendly that would really be’ is still an intriguing idea in its own right

...anyway its a real good movie also my lunch is burning cos i couldnt take it out of the over til i finished rambling RIP salmon dinner

#blunni thoughts

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