#learn how to grow

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[wombywoo]

retired 🩶

#call of duty #cod #simon ghost riley #john soap mactavish #soapghost #my art #listen this took me like two weeks so y'all better appreciate 🤌 #johnny is the super active DIY father of the family #simon has made his way through all of the miss marple mysteries and has now set his sights on naval fiction #also growing his fringe out to hide the early onset baldness #johnny has gorgeous hair but we knew that #the dogs are called roger and wee albert--guess which is which #yes they all sleep in the same bed~ #I guess I just need to see these two old and cranky and alive for whatever reason... #let them both burn in hell after a few good decades learning how to live beyond just surviving #god they probably make a banger pot roast....

[proxycrit]

(I point. Gently, in the voice of somebody who’s mind touched by the outer gods, i whisper truth in your ears:

Your honor the horses are now lesbians

(Anyways here’s the designs)

#mlp #based off my mlp redesigns (no i will not be taking criticism) #mlp redesign #fluttershy is now a giant jacked carnivorous shire horse with anxiety #rarity is a trans queen and she’s carrying the plot on her back #applejack’s been bequeethed the oldest child syndrome after the traumatic death of her parents and learned to do taxes at the tender age of #13?? how do horses age #and rainbow dash is both loved and reviled by her pegasi foundry because she has ‘too much gryphon in her’ #(but she FAST AS FUC BOI.) #anyways pinky’s my favorite. we don’t know whats up with pinky but she smiles a lot and the world distorts around her at exactly 1014 am. #twilight is celestia’s favored pupil prophet and is trying her best to figure out what the hell is up with pinkie and failing spectacularly #twilight also hatched a dragon from an inert stone and people have opinions about that #mostly ‘what are you feeding her’ #(holds rarity and applejack) i think they’re neat together #they bond over growing up too quickly and have a vi-caitlynn thing goin on #(squints) didnt draw the cute mark crusaders but they’d be like. the batmen of the town. and it was fun and games until twilight heard #and gave them ACTUAL weapons #rarity #applejack #rainbow dash #twilight sparkle #fluttershy #pinkie pie #spike the dragon #I FORGOT SPIKE #spike’s a stone dragon that hatched from a stone egg. he is not meant to exist. he’s an elderitch horror and a baby boy and we love #and cherish his adorable little face #art #critdraws #Rest your Weary Hooves in our New Found Home

[cemeterything]

trying to teach myself emotional regulation after a lifetime of being taught (mostly through violence) that the only mature way to handle my emotions is to not feel them at all is i'll admit a little hysterical. every day i have to hold my own hand and go now are you going to be a big boy and acknowledge your feelings? it's okay if you don't acknowledge all of them but i need you to at least try alright? if you finish acknowledging your feelings we can go out for ice cream shakes later, how does that sound?

#🐉 #i refuse to let myself have the emotional maturity of an infant any longer but in order to grow up one must acknowledge #the little kid who never learned how to feel things without repressing them in their brain

[inkskinned]

something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.

not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.

you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.

but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.

you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.

but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.

you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.

you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?

you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.

you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!

you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"

#this is very obviously about my battle with #ptsd #but i think it's also like a pretty apt metaphor for a lot of things like setting boundaries or going to therapy or choosing recovery #i was thinking about the 'comes back wrong' trope and i was like. oh no i have feelings about this bc i have mental illness #and once i stopped masking - i was WRONG. i was different #here's the good news: i am now INNUNDATED with love. fucking swimming in it. excelling at it. the people who stayed #learned my new self. my new different body and how i am different but i am trying. they have held me so tightly #and my life no longer feels quiet. it is not based in my suffering. it feels like i have been growing a tree in my chest #and now it is flowering. #it is so lovely to be surrounded by people who have said - oh! you cut off so many branches i was worried you weren't the same. but now... #... this is just a new you. and i love you. and i love that you're different and happy. #(but yeah also im nb so i was absolutely influenced by Trans things)

[sevenlersiniz]

You turn on the light.

#the owl house #toh #toh promo #watching and dreaming #luz noceda #amity blight #lumity #the collector #EIGHT HOURS. A SOLID THREE SPENT SOLELY ON TWEAKING COMPOSITION AND COLOR BALANCE UGH. #I really wanted a Catholic stained glass window vibe for this one #but I didn't like the look of black outlines on everything for a real stained glass aesthetic. #Also first time coloring in CMYK (i thought I might want to print it) and man it is a headache. #Before I'd just color in RGB and go fuck it whatever happens happens but it's time to grow up... it's time to learn how to do it right #so yeah my signature colors aren't there! because cmyk is the devil! but it looks nice anyway I think. #So excited to see how this all ends I want weirdos to stick together soso bad

[pien-art]

Little Moiraine and baby Anvaere 💫

(click image for optimal quality)

prints available here !

#i can just imagine moiraine as the best big sister when they were growing up #protective and patient and eager to do right by anvaere. to keep her safe. to make her laugh and smile. reading to her and playing with her #and teaching her how to survive #and then she learned to channel #and suddenly anvaere was all alone #my art #wot #twot #wot fanart #fanart #the wheel of time #wheel of time on prime #wot on prime #moiraine damodred #anvaere damodred #art

[astrolavas]

thinking about the... potential clawthorne woodcarving mentorship.

+ bonus cuz also thinking abt how if hunter ever met dell's palisman and got reminded of flapjack, he'd probably feel bad abt making that association cuz he knows what it's like to be seen only as someone's different version (even though the bird wouldn't mind much so lol)

#eda having that palistrom seed.. hunter saying he wants to learn how to carve palisman... his relation to clawthornes. it HAS to mean STH js #the owl house #toh #hunter toh #toh hunter #hahaa always thinking abt hunter growing a soft spot for palismen and loving creating and bringing them to life #but never being able to replace flapjack no matter how many palismen for other ppl he carves. I'M GONNA- #:((((( :/// #like he's not going to want to replace flapjack just like that rn. cuz he LOVES that bird. it's gonna be so hard for him to just.. Move On #and flapjack's a PART of him.. so very curious where they'll go with this because..... HM. HM like he serves as his disability aid almost #and he can't just REMAKE him. but he cannot also just.... ignore what happened straight away. but it's also important to heal #but whatever he decides to do i feel like he'd love to just............ create. whether it be for himself or others #BUT GAH. ANYWAY XKJSJSK wrote an essay abt this already don't need to write one in the tags TOO. so uh .. yea #little guy.. pls find happiness #my art #fanart #hunter #hunter noceda #hunter wittebane #eda #eda clawthorne #dell #dell clawthorne #dell's palisman #toh art #edalyn clawthorne #also like...... if flapjack and dell's palisman were caleb's and evelyn's palismen...... and knew each other........ #and while flapjack was waiting for his new person at the bat queen's cave dell's palisman was being passed down clawthorne generations #OUUHGHHHHGHHHH they were probably friends..... they Knew each other #what's up with you you mysterious yellow bird with eyebrows...... what's your story

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Get Their Ass.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #jin ling #jin chan #Yeah that's right. This guy is a named character. All those nameless disciples in the yi city arc and *this* guy gets a name. #Jin ling finally gets his much needed outfit upgrade! Rest in peace double straps. #I adore how we get to keep learning about Jin Ling and peeling back the layers on him...It's also so sad to see him so alone and friendless #especially knowing he really was starting to build peer friendships in the yi city arc... #Jin ling really is one of my top 5 characters in MDZS and its absolutely in part because of how you can *see* how he ended up this way #and we watch him learn and grow! He's doing what most adults refuse to do: Consider that his opinions are skewed and need to change. #You are NOT immune to propaganda and I adore characters who reflect and struggle with that! #Just because someone with assumed authority says something that fits into what you want to be true does not make it true B*/ #In this series about rumours and warped perspectives - Jin Ling is a great example of how hard you have to work for the truth #+1 points of friendship with jin ling: He will self correct himself if he says a slur now

[breakbeatbun]

#10k notes #ok. clearly y'all don't know what 'reblog the other version' means it does not mean 'screenshot/copy these tags' smfh #also some of you people are pure toxic about something as innocent as learning how a different website works #'omg that's so cringe' 'ew i can't belive new users are doing this' i can. grow up. #i made this post as a fun little joke and i regret it now bc where y'all aren't annoying as hell you're needlessly cruel

[daftpatience]

this post reminded me of this ~scenario~ that happens to me and other fat folks quite often! thin folks that are our friends, support fat folks, but haven’t quite had the time or chance or willingness to unlearn fatphobic ideas in relation to themselves. we know you still think of fatness as inherently unhealthy and unattractive, work on it ♥

#any weirdos are getting blocked asap #and uhh if you come asking for advice or how to unlearn it idk man follow fat creators #listen to fat people talk about their experiences #follow fat instagram models and allow yourself to find them attractive #its fun i promise #youll grow i promise #finding beauty in a wider range of body types has only ever done my brain good #you learn to love yourself through loving others #cw weight #cw fatphobia

[your-turn-to-role]

moment of appreciation again for what is possibly my favourite later game percy quote that everyone always forgets about

(said to vex, of course)

#another thing tlovm hasn't touched on yet that i hope they do (bc next season would be a great place for it) - #both percy and vex struggle so much with anger issues and holding grudges #and the reason they work so well together is because literally a few minutes before their first kiss #they make a commitment to helping each other learn how to forgive even when it's hard - because that's the only way to grow #percy had orthax and vex had saundor both who fed on those impulses and tried to turn them into their worst selves #and they both could very easily have fallen to that! but they don't want to. so they're going to keep each other on the right track #and this is really the pinnacle of it #percy being able to recognise when he really wants to hurt someone and going hmm nope vex seems to be objective here im gonna listen to vex #cr1 #c1e99 #percy de rolo #vex'ahlia #perc'ahlia #cr thoughts

[sysig]

Two skeletons in a trench lab coat (Patreon)

Bonus:

He’s very careful! Everything was fine before you interrupted!

#Doodles #Handplates #UT #FJdlsafjdsf Handplates fuzzes my brain #I cannot tell you how weird it feels to draw Gaster with the Lost Soul head after all this time away haha #It drops me back into the person I was when I first read Handplates - for better or for worse. It's a very strange feeling #Even drawing Sans and Papyrus again sends me back! Not as strongly but certain little details stand out #Sans' eyes especially... Very strange feeling #Anyhow! Since Fellplates sent me back down the rabbit hole and I've gotten back into rereading lightly - still not a full commitment! #Maybe soon tho 👀 I feel like I always say that haha #But in the meantime thinking of the pre-Plates Handplates time period <3 Since that's the one I'm still most familiar with haha #I love when they're still growing and learning ♪ Scaffolded baby talk! Twin language! Love 'em ♥ #And fearless* mischievous little troublemakers hehe #They're so cute <3 I love the little ways they interact as young'uns - like when Papyrus will just lift Sans by his arms lol #I'd been thinking about and then had to go read the one of Sans as a the blanket/coat tickle monster and then - this ✨ #''Excuse me sir I'd like One Ticket to the R Rated movie I am an adult Monster'' lol #Probably another one of those moments where Gaster is just *nervously sweats in Dad* lol - stop being so cute! #Also there's no particular meaning to when I use WingDings for his text :P Just convenience and if I remember to lol #Comics where he talks a lot are not convenient XP I have enough trouble editing on this paper ugh I will Not miss it when it's done #Even attempted this comic in as few pencil strokes/erasing as possible and it was still a pain to work with! >:0 Rude #Doubly so that I've had a Handplates comic idea for past like - year lol - and /this/ was the first one I finished pfftbl #To be fair to the other I do want to at least attempt making it a look-alike hehe ♪ You know how it is with Ideas™ #I can't be too mad about it haha ♫ It did turn out quite cute after all :3

[vulpixhoney]

the stuff with the cops was making me nervous y'all. I like they they, are kind of changing the show to fit the fact that Annabeth and Grover are poc instead of just pretending it would be the exact same as the book. like in the book they were never given any trouble, Annabeth even makes a comment that mortal cops can't touch them and is not concerned at all about Percy being a wanted "criminal". but that's in 2005 from a white man writing about white children. but now Annabeth is a black girl, she's going to have completely different interactions with the police. the "are we under arrest" is like, textbook How to Respond When Being Hassled By the Police. it's very subtle bc it's Disney, but Leah's response felt very real

eta: also, the echidna being a southern white lady, but like the type of southern that calls the cops on her neighbors for being in their own yard or some shit. like, she got the cops to turn on them so easily. even though there's no way they could destroy a room like that, the cop just automatically assumed it was their fault, because some white lady said they did it. and the group is a black girl, a brown boy, and their token white boy, who isn't a great buffer bc at the very least is a ~delinquent~, and at this point in the book has an active warrant

#credit ofc going to leah and whoever the actual director is #i guess a little to rick but he is untrustworthy to me in regards to how he writes poc #but maybe this is him learning and growing #maybe working with poc is helping him widen his perspectives and writing #percy jackson #percy jackon and the olympians

[thcscout]

TOP 6 BEST RELIABLE BEANS COMPANIES IN THE WORLD!

TOP 6 BEST RELIABLE BEANS COMPANIES IN THE WORLD!

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#420 scene #best seed bank #cannabis #Cannabis Strains #grow cannabis #grow marijuana #grow weed #grow your own marijuana #grow your own weed #Growing pot #growing weed #home garden #home grow #How to grow marijuana #how to grow pot #how to grow weed #hydroponics #indoor garden #learn how to grow #learn how to grow weed #learn to grow marijuana #marijuana #medical cannabis #Medical Marijuana #seed bank #seeds #set up a home grow #starting from seeds #strains #weed

[soleyeer]

I always loved how the stairs in Pokemon Mystery Dungeon games just. Stood there.

#pokemon mystery dungeon #my art #Last background was so bad that I decided to actually learn how to draw them #Also I experimented with lines #Also also: Perspective! Heck yeah! #I love seeing my art skills grow #pkmn art #oran berry #pmd #sola.art