#kinda dont blame her for saying she regrets getting her memories back because that sure is when the Problems began for you isnt it my dear | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

memoriashell · 3 years

Text

seashells and shores ( and something a bit more )

Characters / Pairing: Fukawa Touko / Naegi Komaru, ensemble class 78; varyingly background / implied ships are sakuraoi / ishimondo / celeschi / naeleogami

crossposted on ao3

Notes: a very late day 3 for @tokomaruweek. beach prompt! yesterday i was feeling a little burnt out so i decided to not write since i didn’t want to put out something half assed. hopefully this being a bit longer helps make up for it! ( and by a bit, i mean i basically doubled the word count compared to what i’ve done for this week so far lmao rip so much for hoping i’d catch up tonight )

rated t for touko's trauma. and also for junko having her tits out. thanks junko.

anyways tw for like trauma, the general self-depricating / self-concious stuff for toko but also like. her trauma w/ water is brought up since it's. beach? and also drowning doesn't actually happen but it is brought up. and touko mentions claustrophobia in relation to her trauma offhandedly once, and again, just generally feeling insecure.

also it's kinda implied that chihiro and celes are both trans thank you!!!

Summary: going to the beach isn't exactly an exciting thought for her, given the fact she has no desire getting in the water.

komaru seems dead set on making sure she makes some memories anyways.

Do you want to come to the beach with us? That is the first text of the morning that she receives, courtesy of Makoto Naegi. Touko considers asking who he means by us, gathers that he probably means some assortment of their classmates, and ( while it is very tempting to say yes ) concludes that she can safely say no. And she intends to do exactly that, but she gets a set of texts that stops her from being able to do so.

touko-chan!!!!

ur coming with us, right?

you should come with us!

itll be fun!

So Komaru would be there too— their...friendship is odd, all things considered. Not that the knowledge of knowing she’d be there makes the offer any more tempting, but she bites her lip and considers what to say. Not that there’s really much of a question, just keep it blunt and to the point as per usual. No point in sugar coating things.

I’m busy. Maybe next time. She’s not that busy, current manuscript aside. Not that Touko intended on ever not being busy. It’s not her fault that Komaru is too dense to take a hint.

awww :(

pls?

if u don’t wanna get in the water, ill make sure they’ll leave you alone. im sure you won’t be the only one that doesnt want to!!

Ah. She might have to ( partially ) retract her statement on Komaru being dense. Had she figured out her reluctance without her even mentioning it, or had that just been a lucky guess? Maybe it was just Makoto’s luck rubbing off on her...

i understand if you don’t want to come

and i’ll leave u alone if u rlly dont wanna come.

but it wont be as much fun without you there :(

Urgh. Yeah, this girl doesn’t understand a thing, does she? She’s probably not even realized the impact her words have on her. Touko grumbles under her breath, but figures she should respond before Komaru sends another text begging trying to convince her.

Fine.

I’m not going in the water, though.

If this goes horribly wrong, I’m blaming you.

That is a lie. Even if worst comes to worst and Syo feels the need to front for her, she won’t hold it against her. She’s the one who agreed, after all. It’s just one last attempt at offering her an out. To change her mind. Like she should. But Komaru is nothing if not stubborn, so she doesn’t really expect that offer to be taken up on. She starts making a mental checklist of what she probably needs to take with her, doesn’t get very far into that list because Komaru’s response is nearly instantaneous.

yayayayay tnk u touko-chan ily!!!!!! :D

we’ll pick u up k????

ur staying @ the place near the dorms right? see u soon!! ♡♡

Touko grimaces at the butchering of language that is Komaru’s texting ( and ignores her own fluttering heart upon seeing the casual hearts sprinkled in at the end ), and sends back, If you love me, fix your grammar.

The car ride over is mostly uneventful. In that she means she feels like she’s going to have a headache before they even get there and Makoto keeps giving her a sympathetic look. In other words, she’s learned that Komaru and both Asahina siblings should not be left to entertain themselves for the hour-long car ride, but the only silver lining here is that it was only an hour-long ride and hopefully they would be tired out for the ride back.

The highlight of the hour was that even if it’d been a tight squeeze in the backseat, that meant she’d been ( somewhat ) uncomfortably sandwiched between the door and Komaru herself. She’s a little surprised that it doesn’t set off her claustrophobia, but reckons that might just be because it’s too bright to remind her of being locked in a closet. And also because Komaru is generally distracting in close proximity, from the way she’d been halfway sitting on her lap, to the faint scent of what Touko figures to be her shampoo.

She also considers it a victory that she did not dissociate in the midst of that, but probably only because Komaru kept checking on her and apologizing for how close they are: she’d had to bite her tongue several times from saying something harsher than she’d really mean. She doesn't hate Syo, but probably counterintuitive to let them front today: whether they are aware of this, or simply just disinterested in trying to front right now, she is thankful. If nothing else, she would consider this some kind of learning moment. Maybe. Something to draw inspiration from?

Still, once she’s free from the confines of the car, she can actually relax a little— or does for all of two seconds before Komaru has grabbed onto her free hand and started dragging her towards the loud group that she recognizes as her class. Yuta and Aoi had bolted out of the car the moment they’d come to a stop to race to the waters ( she can’t imagine being that athletic and feels tired watching them ). Touko gazes back longingly at the confines of the car and the consideration that she might’ve been able to isolate herself there, but her grip’s pretty tight on her hand. Which is nice, and distracts her from thinking about escaping until it's way too late, and she’s forced to look at the group before her, and—

Slaps a hand over Komaru’s eyes with a groan. “Enoshima, wh-what the fuck, you—” She holds off on the ( derogatory ) word she wants to say, and just scowls at the sight before her. “This isn’t a...a nude beach? Are you t-t-trying to get us in trouble or something?” Granted she’s not technically completely nude, but also more revealing than she should be. Seriously, she would’ve figured that Ishimaru would’ve already told Enoshima off already because what else is he good for ( then again, he is single-handedly the only person who would probably take no real issue with it, or be naively convinced by her that it wasn’t really a problem, so maybe she really shouldn’t be that surprised ).

Enoshima cackles at her. “Don’t be a prude, Fukawa! Or are you jealous? I’m just trying to get a sick tan.” While she’s at it, where the hell is Ikusaba to keep her sister in check? Whatever, that’s not really important, and she refuses to dignify that with a response given that Enoshima probably only wants to get a rise out of her.

Instead, she makes sure to put a decent distance between them before removing her hand from over Komaru’s eyes with a huff. “Urgh, honestly...what on earth m-made her think that was a, a good idea?” She grumbles, glancing around now that she doesn’t have to stare directly at...that.

Actually, now that she looks around, the only seemingly responsible person from their class currently present was Oogami— and honestly, she seems too busy being in love with her girlfriend to count ( if it wasn’t kind of heartwarming, she’d probably be disgusted. Not in a homophobic way, in a general ew PDA sort of way ). As for any else viably responsible: Kirigiri being absent wasn’t a surprise, Fujisaki’s too soft to really keep people in check, Byakuya is...his own entirely separate category, and she would rather die than count Hagakure as responsible in any capacity. And Makoto might be a voice of reason, but she’s pretty sure he’s utterly useless here. Which is probably a horrible sign of things to come, but what else did she expect from anything involving her peers?

“You don’t want to go in the water, right?” Komaru’s voice cuts in through her thoughts, watching her closely before taking her hand to start pulling her along then. “We should set up somewhere to sit, then!”

We? She thinks, but instead attempts to free her hand from her grip and voices, “...Don’t you want to go in th-the water with the rest of them? You don’t have to, uh, to stay with me, you know. I’m not a k-k-kid.”

Her expression looks conflicted. “Well, yeah, of course I do want to! But only for a bit, probably? I mean, it’d be kind of rude to leave you alone since I asked you to come?”

She ignores the way her stomach twists at that, and purses her lips. “Technically s-speaking, Makoto asked first. You aren’t— it’s not rude of you to want...to want to have some fun without me. I know I’m n-n-not fun to stick around.” She knows she wouldn’t want to stick around herself if she had the choice. “It’s not like, like I wasn’t prepared for th-that.”

“Yeah, but— that’s the thing. You shouldn’t be! And I want to spend time with everyone, and that includes you too.” And now she’s sulking. God. Fukawa is about to growl back something she’ll probably regret saying, but is saved from doing so by a much calmer voice interrupting, having overheard their argument.

“Why don’t you go join your brother for a bit? Fukawa-san can join us if she would like to. We have an extra seat.”

Celes looks hot— and she means that in a very literal sense ( mostly ), decked out in one of her usual frilly black dresses. She looks out of place in the hot summer heat. Touko is also not sure where and how she managed to get a table out here ( and tea, apparently, and you know what she’s just not going to question it ), but Fujisaki is already pulling out the extra seat in offering, and she sighs reluctantly. Better this than feeling like she’s holding Komaru back.

“G-G-Go. Or...or I’ll let Syo toss you in the water.” Not really a threat - if anything, Syo would dive bomb into the water with her. Argh, maybe she should’ve just let them front today...

( No, no she shouldn’t have. The only person currently present that Syo would’ve mostly listened to would be Komaru— and maybe Makoto or Fujisaki if they were feeling generous— which is an entirely different set of issues she doesn’t want to linger on. Needless to say, she doesn’t particularly want Syo to cause chaos today )

Touko is saved from having to argue further with her on this because as Komaru opens her mouth to protest, Yuta comes to steal her away, blabbering on about something about a game they should play: and while he’s definitely as oblivious as his sister, she’ll consider that a good thing, just this once. The only words Komaru manages to get in is to ask Toko to keep her bag for her, which she would’ve done anyways, picking it up from where she’d dropped it. She watches them wander off ( and only looks away when Komaru starts discarding the clothes she’d been wearing over her swimsuit ) before trudging over to sit next to Fujisaki, who flashes her a small smile as she types away on her laptop.

“I am surprised you came, Fukawa-san. You do not seem like the type for these activities. You are usually quite disinterested in participating in these kinds of things, in fact. Did something change?” Ugh. This is why Touko hates being around Ludenberg. Because she’s observant, generally only bested by Kirigiri in that regard, and is generally good at picking people apart when it comes to lies and acts and fronts ( though Touko would argue this is from personal experience, and not from being a gambler ). And this fact would have irritated her, quite honestly, if she had not self-sabatoged herself by taking it as an insult, instead.

“I-I-I get it. No one really wants...wants me here. That’s what you meant, right...? You don’t have to r-remind me.” She grits her teeth. If nothing else, when she isn’t busy lying, Touko can appreciate her honesty. The tiny hand that wraps around her wrist stops her from saying anything further, even if it doesn’t take much to wrench her arm out of Fujisaki’s grasp: but she gets the feeling she is only able to do so because she isn’t actually trying to hold on too tightly.

“I’m sure th-that’s not what she meant, Fukawa-san...” Ever quick to play peacekeeper, she supposes. Touko simply grumbles at her and rolls her eyes. “...Especially since not everyone was available today, it’s nice that you were able to join us!”

“Yes, it is a shame. I would have liked for Yamada-kun to have been able to help with my tea, today.” Celes sighs as if disappointed— really? That’s what she’s on about?

Touko does a second look at who is not currently gathered, and denotes, “Is Maizono st-still out on tour...?” She thinks Komaru had mentioned something like that in passing.

“Yes! Maizono-san is on tour, Yamada-kun is at an important convention, Ikusaba-san, she’s...doing some kind of training...? I think Kirigiri-san is supposed to be on the tail end of a rough case, and...” Here Fujisaki pauses to giggle into her hand. “I sh-shouldn’t really laugh at this really, but Ishimaru-kun got sick. Oowada-kun had to force him to rest since he had been trying to work through it and made it worse for himself... or so that’s what I was told.”

Oh, so that’s the reason she hasn’t heard the loudmouths today? She might take back her sentiments on Ishimaru being useless, but he’s on thin fucking ice. Of course the overachiever would get sick during the summer holidays— apparently, she’s not alone in that thought.

“Only Ishimaru-kun would get sick during vacation and still manage to find a reason to not take a break.” Celes rolls her eyes, but Touko gets the feeling she’s amused too.

“So wh-what you’re saying is, uh, is that Oowada’s going to get sick next...right? I guess— we’ll find out if idiots get s-s-sick or not.” Touko quips— which earns a softer laugh from Fujisaki, so that’s pretty good.

Of course, it wouldn’t be like her if she didn’t put her foot in her mouth almost immediately afterwards by asking why they aren’t going in the water: she’s not really surprised because Celes rarely participates in gym ( and coming from Touko that says a lot ), but she was pretty sure Fujisaki wasn’t that self-conscious of herself. Not as much? Not that she really has any place to talk in that regard.

“Well, we already went to the beach at the start of the summer holidays! I’m not really missing out on anything, and it’s probably not my last opportunity to go during this break anyways.” And then, a little more sheepishly. “...Also I’m close to making a breakthrough on this code, I think. I wanted the fresh air, but I don’t really think I can afford to take much of a break right now.”

“She would have stayed on the train if I did not warn her we were approaching our stop, I believe. And not all of us can be like Enoshima. The brazenness of that woman is truly something else.” Touko is not sure if she says that from a place of respect or fear, and honestly she relates. And also doesn’t say any further on the subject because Celes gives her a dirty look.

Her gaze goes back out to their peers— she is pointedly avoiding needing to look at where Enoshima is— and spots Komaru and Yuta splashing around with Aoi and Oogami. Well, it looks like just splashing at least, from where she’s at. And Hagakure, who really just looks like an out-of-place sea cretin with the way his hair floats on the water’s surface, so. There’s that?

( No, she’s not at all envious of the fact that all of them get to have fun because they don’t have crippling fears: the ocean does not instill the same fear of confinement that a cramped bathtub does, but fear— there is still the fear that something will tug her down and her body will simply let herself dragged underneath out of instinct, a fear of something worse if she tries to fight for survival— )

Focus. She can feel the way her breath catches a little, the uneasy way her heart beats and concentrates on calming down. She doesn’t seem to have gotten Syo’s attention yet, nor anyone else’s, thankfully. She’ll just...watch Komaru for now, yeah. It takes a moment to relocate her, head breaching from underneath the water and surfacing like...like one of the sea’s legendary enchantresses. She means that in a wholly respectful way, of course, watching the way she shakes the water from her hair, mouth open in a wide grin while she laughs. Touko doesn’t need to hear her to know that on the sole basis of her appearance— the bright look in her eyes is enough to say she is happily enjoying herself without her.

On that note, hm. Maybe she can use some of that for the basis of her next novel— something about a siren and a lady visiting the sea? Tragic romances are always a hit, aren’t they? Okay maybe a tragic lesbian romance is more self-projection, but that's besides the point. No one has to know its self-projection if people eat it up like anything else that has her name on it.

Or maybe you need to talk to a therapist more often? Syo contributes helpfully, apparently having become more conscious at some point. Maybe her panic hadn’t gone as unnoticed as she thought. Not that they’re wrong, but talking to a therapist isn’t exactly going to help with her gay pining ( unfortunately, she wishes it were that simple ).

Yeah, that’s not something she really wants to linger on, and as if Celes can read her mind, says, “How do you ladies feel about a bet?”

“Pass.” Touko says immediately, because she is arguably far from a smart person, but she is smart enough to know to not take her chances against the ultimate gambler. Celes ignores her.

“You see, I would bet that Komaru—”

“No. We’re leaving h-her out of it.” Toko interrupts, and Fujisaki ( thankfully, like the god sent angel she is, even if she seems too good to be real ) nods her agreement.

“I don’t think Naegi-kun would be really happy if he heard us talking about his little sister like that...” Her reasoning is fair, if nothing else.

“Fine. Do you think Naegi-kun is going to interfere on Togami-kun’s behalf, or help Kuwata-kun?” A painted fingernail points out the trio by the sea. Kuwata seems pretty intent on forcing Togami into the sea, suit and all, much to his disdain. The duo is yelling, probably. On the other hand, Makoto just looks like he doesn’t know whose side he’s supposed to be on here.

In the end, it doesn’t matter because by some luck ( or lack thereof ) Togami manages to trip on a washed up stone and ends up taking the other two boys down with him. The heir doesn’t even look all that mad, really, as Kuwata dunks him back under the water in retaliation: she knows what his angry face is, and that is not it, even if it looks kind of like he’s swallowing a lemon.

Or maybe that’s just her and her sour mood feeling like she’s swallowed several lemons raw because Touko doesn’t know how to make lemonade out of all the citrus life has handed her.

“By the way Fukawa-san, about Komaru—” Celes starts, but is interrupted by Komaru’s sharp yelling, which is followed by the wet feeling of her arms wrapping around her. Touko frowns, pushing her away.

“You’re w-wet.” She states the obvious as she makes a face, not that that seems to stop her. “Are you...you're done going in the water f-f-for now?”

“Mhm! It’s too cold in the water, honestly. You’re nice and warm.” Komaru hums happily, and she grabs a towel from her bag to wrap her up in it before she ends up being the next sick kid. “I was thinking we could maybe spilt a snack...? And then we could make a sandcastle! Asahina-san was telling me about shells she saw earlier that we could use?” Touko bites back a small snort at how childish she sounds.

“Yeah, yeah— let go of me, s-so I can get up...” She agrees, ignoring the curious way Celes’ watches their interactions. She mutters something that passes for a thanks before she leaves ( not that she thinks Fujisaki notices at that point, full enraptured by her laptop screen ).

By snack, Touko realizes that this is more of a way of making sure she eats lunch— Syo had not so accidentally let it slip once that when she gets caught up on things, she has the tendency to skip meals. She bites her tongue on saying that it wasn’t necessary and instead pays for their meal because she can do that, she has the money to spare for that kind of thing: and she knows she doesn’t need to, but sometimes she feels like she needs to make it up to her before Komaru gets sick of their friendship.

And if it comes off like a date, that’s simply just coincidence.

When they return to the shore, Komaru drags her off to an area a little more secluded— she doesn’t really realize this at first, simply accepting her fate to follow along, but notices she can’t really hear anyone else. It helps her relax, feel like she doesn’t need to be so guarded.

( It doesn’t stop Touko from briefly complaining about how sandy she’s going to get because of this, which is annoying. And then immediately shuts up because Komaru offers to let her borrow her clothes, and she has nothing coherent that she can say to that. She eventually manages to spit out a no when it becomes obvious Komaru is waiting for her to say something )

“Well, okay then. You can always let me know if you change your mind.” She says, then, “Oooh, Touko-chan! It looks like there are tide pools over here!”

Komaru leaves her to pick out shells for them to use while she does the dirty work of constructing a sand castle. “So you won’t end up too sandy,” she explains. “And I trust your eyes to pick out nice shells.” She can’t really complain— although she almost makes a scathing comment about the fact that her eyes can't really be trusted when she wears glasses— and just keeps away from the waves for the most part. The water laps at her feet while she lingers around the tide pool, and then returns with the fruits of her search.

It’s...not an awfully constructed sand castle. Well, that’s probably more than a little generous to say. You know, if she was going to compare it to something kids made. As it stands ( or doesn’t, if Touko is being honest ), it’s probably not the most...concretely built and looks like part of the base might fall apart at any moment, but doesn’t say anything as she dumps an assortment of shells at her feet. And then pulls out a towel, so she can sit and watch her work. It feels like there’s another problem with this, but she can’t quite place what it is; it’s probably not important enough to point out.

Going back to the novel idea: maybe it’s not about a siren after all. Maybe it’s about a sea princess instead. A lonely girl drowning in the waters called home, in a lonely castle, and—

“Here you go!” Komaru plops a shell into her hand with no warning and beams at her. “It’s nice and pretty just like you, Touko-chan. So you should keep it!”

She definitely doesn’t almost tear up upon hearing that, swallowing thickly as she bites back a self-deprecating, Are you sure it’s not just ugly like me? Instead, she picks out a small shell from the pile and holds it out to her.

“...H-H-Here. Completely plain and, and average like you.” And cute, but that’s not important. Still, Komaru looks like she’s actually said something of worth as she throws her arms around her neck.

“Thank you! I’ll take good care of it.” She acts like she’s given her a houseplant or something of actual value, and not a shell.

Stiffly— because she still really doesn’t know how to respond in these kinds of moments, despite being friends for a few odd months now— Touko pats her back and mutters, “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“It is!” Komaru pouts at her. “It is to me. Isn’t that enough?”

She opens her mouth to point out that she’d really just been reciprocating a gesture, but the wave crashing over them interrupts the conversation— oh yeah, she thinks absently. That’d been the other problem that she’d noticed when Komaru had started building, but hadn’t thought it was a big enough issue to point out.

Once she processes that yes, that happens, her first thought is how cold she is now, soaked to the bone. Touko represses a shudder and tries to ignore the fact that she will need to shower later because salt water gets itchy. The second thing that occurs to her, in the midst of this, is that now Komaru is wailing into her shoulder.

“I should’ve been more careful, I’m sorry Touko-chan! You’re okay? You aren’t upset, are you? I thought th—” Touko leans forward to cut her off. Her lips taste like salt, and vaguely reminiscent of the sweet snack Komaru had coaxed her into splitting. She wants to bite down on her lip, a nervous habit, and pulls back before she can accidentally manage to bite the other’s lips instead. The implications of that are a lot more than she’s willing to handle right now, and averts her gaze as soon as she leans back, so she does not have to acknowledge her actions.

That doesn’t stop Komaru from throwing her arms around her a little too eagerly, a grunt at the impact of their bodies colliding. “Too m-much.” Touko manages to wheeze out, and before she can start apologizing again, follows with, “I’m not upset. I should probably just...just buy something overpriced from one of th-the nearby shops since our clothes are soaked now...”

She takes this in fairly good stride, jumping to her feet and pulling her up by her hands. “Can I pick out an outfit for you? It’ll be fun!”

Their ideas of fun are very different quite frankly, but considering Komaru won’t overthink her appearance like she does, thus meaning it’ll be more time efficient. And quite frankly, she’s tired, so she just agrees. On the condition they can just go take a nap in the car afterwards.

Touko doesn’t quite agree with Komaru’s fashion choices, but she picks out clothes that cover up everything that needs to be hidden, so she can’t exactly complain. Nor does she complain when they do less napping and more snuggling in the backseat. Which means on the ride back, Komaru ends up falling asleep on her shoulder. She thinks about how pretty she looks in the light of the sunset.

Maybe she can rethink her next novel being a romantic tragedy.

#tokomaru week 2021 #toukomaru #tokomaru #komaru naegi #toko fukawa #touko fukawa #danganronpa #* zhi writes

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silverrenagade-blog · 4 years

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Marks of changes -Chapter 1

Appearance

Keith’s knife clattered to the ground, bouncing off the pristine white floor. It all happened so fast he even moved to bring the luxite blade up to defend himself agenst his attacker. Luckily he noticed with seconds to spare and vaulted to the floor to avoid the blue blade of the castle’s training robot, set to difficulty 9. Highest it’s ever been set to.

Highest anyone has ever reached still alive.

“Stop training session!” Keith gasped before the robot could round on him and take his head. The blue and white guardian froze midstep before evaporateing back into the rooms code.

Keith rose on shaky legs from his defensive position on the floor, moving unsteadily to where the purple blade lay in contrast to the shining white that took the whole room. He had strode through the doors of the training room hours ago, itching to blow off steam since he couldn’t take his anger out on the one who caused it.

Lance.

Moronic imbecile that he was decided it was a good idea to start prying at the fact that Keith was part Galra. Making fun of Keith had been one thing, but when he had the audacity the relate what happened to Shiro, Keith’s brother in every way but blood, to him being Galra? Keith lost it. If Allura hadn’t been standing right there waiting for him to do something, anything, slightly close to the behavior of a Galra, Keith would have driven his luxite blade right through Lance for ever comparing him to the monsters that held Shiro.

So Keith stormed out, his mind full of anger and self loathing. Truth be told the anger had diminished well before he had reached the training room, but his mind had wondered to the fact that Lance may not have been wrong.

The Galra did those horrible things to Shiro, enough to make him lose himself sometimes. Shiro was always terrifying when that happened, nothing but pure rage and an animalistic focus to kill, but the most horrifying thing? That came when they brought Shiro back and he fell apart at the memories of being experimented on and forced to fight in an arena. Yes the Galra did that to him.

And Keith was part Galra.

With his mind lost in the dark thoughts he started his training at level one. The way the room was set up you eaither beat the guardian or survived an hour. Keith had only beat the first three.

Keith’s right shoulder flared in burning pain as he reached down to retrieve his knife. Strange, he pondered wondering where the sharp pain was coming from, he didn’t remember being hit by the guardian’s blade but it was entirely possible he was so focused he didn’t feel the skin get torn.

Tentatively Keith reached his left hand over his right shoulder and gently traced the area. More pain erupted, worse than before, but when he pulled his hand away there was no blood covering his finger tips.

Keith didn’t have time to question his pain as Hunk’s ever cheery voice came over the loud speaker or intercom or whatever Altean device ran through the castle, alerting the castles residents that dinner was ready and to report immediately to the dinning hall.

He stood there in that pristine white room wondering if training and possibly causing more pain was batter than having to sit though the concoction that Hunk and Coran had created, but ultimately decided agenst it.

Sheathing his dagger with his injured arm proved to be difficult but he managed before walking out of the blinding training room and down the hall, his boot clicking agenst the flooring the whole way.

Dinner was... awkward. The air around the table was heavy, almost suffocatingly so. Hunk , Pidge, and Coran ate happily not noticing the atmosphere that hung over the others, each giving off a slightly different emotion to add to the ever growing storm.

Lance had his head down. He sat abnormally still and quiet while he pushed his food around the plate in front of him. Lance always, Always are like truck. No matter what it tasted like he ate as much as he could as fast as he could all while blabbering endlessly. Not tonight though. Tonight he just sat quietly and listened to the small conversations that had begun on the other end of the table.

On Lance’s right, Shiro seemed nervous. His shoulders were tense and he looked like he wanted to say something but wasn’t sure if he should. He kept looking between lance and Keith, his gaze lingering on Keith longer than Lance as if he was worried.

At the head of the table, Keith could feel Allura’s gaze burning into him refusing to let him out of her sight while the others were around. She hadn’t reacted very well to him being part Galra. Her hands were clenched tightly around her silverware making her normally dark knuckles turn pale. She wore her armor as if she was expecting a fight and wanted the upper hand.

Keith was just trying to not be noticed. The occasional pain in his shoulder had transformed into a throb and every few minutes it would spike again sending agony throughout his body. His hands were shaking badly and he didn’t even try to eat knowing it would be impossible with the tremors in his fingers. He kept his eyes trained on the table trying desperately not to show he was in pain but as the seconds ticked by it was becomeing more challenging. He was sweating but he could blame that on the training. Keith was always quiet but he at least ate most days.

Dinner ticked by with agonizing speed but eventually people started to wander off, Hunk going to the kitchen to clean, Pidge heading toward the green lions hanger, Allura, Coran and Shiro heading to the bridge. Keith tried to make a B-line to his room but was cut off by a certain blue eyed Cuban.

“Keith, can we talk?” Lance came up beside him before curving in front of him, effectively making Keith stop in the hallway. “Look Keith I’m sorry about what I said earlier. That was totally upt of line and if I had been thinking strait I would never have said it. I didn’t even realize what I was saying before it was coming out of my mouth and I regret every second of that fight. I’m so sorry. You know I dont think of you as a monster right? Because I don’t think of you as a monster! You know I always got your back right buddy? I mean we’re Paladins! I’ll always have your back! I’m just so sorry that any of this happened, I’m sorry I said that, it was totally uncalled for especially in front of Allura who already kinda hates you-”

Lance babbled on about how sorry he was but Keith was in so much pain he didn’t even listen. Lance had said he was sorry wasn’t that enough? It had been a stupid comment and now it was done. Keith wasn’t mad but he was starting to lose control over his stoic facade, he knew he couldn’t take this much longer without showing his pain. “Lance! It’s ok. You don’t have to apologize. It was a stupid comment that you obviously didn’t mean to say.”

“So we’re good?” Lance asked. This wasn’t like Keith to just forgive and forget. Something was off here. Now that lance was really looking Keith looked paler than usual, if that was even possible, and he kept looking past Lance to his room. “Hey, dude, you ok?”

Lance reached out a hand and set it down on his right shoulder. Keith tried so hard not to flinch when the hand settled on his right shoulder but he couldn’t help it. It Hurt. Lance retracted his hand almost immediately, “Keith, your freezing” That wasn’t exactly what Keith thought he was going to say but he took the opportunity.

“We’re good, Lance” Keith muttered before pushing past Lance and making his way to his room. One he got inside he immediately shut his eyes and let out a pained sigh. He was freezing, he hadn’t even noticed until lance had said something but he was cold.

He stumbled farther into the bare room and all but collapsed on the bed. Keith placed his head in his hand for a moment trying to regain even a little bit of his normal composure, but he couldn’t ignore the sweat collecting on the back of his neck, or the way his entire body what shaking both from mindless pain and the fridgid tempature of his body. Wait, he was sweating and shivering? That can’t be right.

Keith rose from the mattress before he slowly made his way towed the bathroom, his vision we swirling with dark and light spots as his hip bone collided with the sink, that thing was at a dangerous height. He gazed into the mirror shocked by how pale and tired he looked. Lance must have though he was dying... no wonder he tried to be nice. They may have been “rivals”, as lance would say, but apparently he still cared if Keith was healthy or not.

That was the question, what was wrong with Keith? Why was he in so much pain?

As if being summoned another shap stabb of pain exploded in his shoulder, so painful that his knees gave out. Keith wildly threw his hands out and caught the edge of the sink before his head did.

A sob wrenched its way up his throat as he used both arms to steady his legs again. Keith looked back up in the mirror, tired, painfilled,amethyst eyes gazed back at him.

Keith gently grabbed the hem of his shirt and lifted it slightly, he was immediately met by more pain. Determination setting in, Keith griped the fabric hard and wrenched it over his head trying desperately to ignore the scream of agony that rose from the action.

When the gray shirt was removed it left Keith looking at his bare chest, almost to scared to turn around, but he had to! He had to see what was happening! He had to see... didn’t he? Keith closed his eyes,took a deep breath and turns so he was facing sideways to the mirror. He knew he should open his eyes but he was terrified of what was happening to him, mostly because he didn’t know what was happening. Shaking Keith opened his eyes and his breath hitched.

What the hell?

Just below his right shoulder blade was a patch of pale purple. Tiny purple tendrils spread out from every direction causing th skin around the purple to become red and irritated. It looked like some kind of disease. The darkest section of it was a mix of a dozen different shades of purple and was centerd on the cloud shaped bruse. Was it a bruse? If it was it was the strangest bruse he had ever seen, and Keith had seen his fair share.

He didn’t know how long he sat there staring at his back, But eventually his shivers had disappeared and he knew that was a bad thing. It took him ten minuets to get his shirt back over both arms, it gave him time to think. He knew he needed help but he didn’t know who he should go to.

Allura and Coran were obviously not a choice. He didn’t know what was happening but he bet it had something to do with him being Galra. Allura would rather shoot Keith before even considering helping him, and while Coran didn’t say anything he had distanced himself from Keith tremendously since his announcement.

Pidge wa vetoed almost as quickly seeing as she would help by running tests. Lots of tests. Keith didn’t like tests he hated needles and the thought of being strapped down. Plus Keith wasn’t sure if Pidge actually had emotions, he was convinced she was a robot like the training gaurdians.

He considered asking Hunk for help but out of all the paladins Hunk k ew the least about him, and was more likely to get scared or sick than to be truly helpful.

That left Shiro and Lance.

Shiro was like a brother to him. He had taken Keith under his wing when Keith’s father had died. They always looked after each other no matter what. That was all before the Kerberos mission. Things had changed quite a bit from when it was just them racing speeders in the desert. Things like the Galra. And while Lance had admitted he was out of line Keith couldn’t help but think about what he had said. Keith was part Galra. Part the race that tourtured Shiro for a year! The thought of asking Shiro to help him with this immediately made he feel sick. Keith had not right to put Shiro through that.

That left only one person

Keith exited his bathroom and glanced at the clock by his bed. On earth it would be close to three in the morning. Everyone would be asleep. It took Keith by surprise that he had been in that bathroom for hours , but a stab of pain brought him back from faxing off again.

He left his room quietly. He wasn’t to worried about waking people up as he snuck out of his room in the middle of the night most of the time and become quite skilled at moving silently. His destination was just around the corner, it took him to time to get there. Every step he took jostled his shoulder causing it to take much longer to get to the door than he would have liked. He knocked on the door so he couldn’t talk himself out of asking for help. The door opened seconds after to reveal his choice of help.

“Lance-“

#fanfiction #voltron #keith kagone #lance mcclain

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artificialqueens · 6 years

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nobody told me that you'd be here (crameron) - akita

A/N: this is a oneshot that is in the same sort of ballpark thematically as ‘you know everything i know’ in that they both know each other from school but it is unrelated. i was listening to when we were young by adele and this came into mind. a little angsty but hey its still a fun fic and there is some nice in it. clearly i dont know much about time frames for actual reunions but i did my best

Kameron apologizes to her ex, Brianna, at their school’s reunion.

Kameron had never been one for formal gatherings, let alone reunions. Most of the people here she could barely recognise, grown so much since they were all just kids. But if she didn’t show, she felt it would be rude, and so she dragged herself into the hell that was her school’s sports hall. There were almost no good memories in here, as someone who, in spite of what her current physique would suggest, actually didn’t like anything sporty as a kid. She spied (or rather, heard) Eureka by the drinks at the buffet table, laughing loudly with a now flinching Blair. She couldn’t help but chuckle.

Maybe she would go and talk to her. They got along well enough in school, and they had, on occasion, seen each other while shopping or out and about and stopped for a coffee and a catch up. Plus, she seemed to be the only person here that Kameron really knew from back then. Sure, when she squinted, she could recognise all the faces, but she’d never mixed much with the others. She was hardly a social butterfly. And so, it seemed Eureka was her only real option here.

Or so she thought. As she moved to pace forward, she heard a distinctive laugh, followed by a clap. Brianna was here. Turning toward the sound, she saw her wrapped around Monet’s arm, leaning into the fur of her jacket. She knew they’d stayed close, having seen it on social media quite often, so this was hardly a surprise. However, she didn’t know that she would be here, because as far as she could remember, Brianna had moved to France. That was more than ten years ago now, so the idea that she could have moved back wasn’t that questionable. Besides, they hadn’t really kept in touch.

When the blonde met her gaze, she looked away almost instantly, and Kameron wasn’t all that surprised. They hadn’t left things that great. She took the blame for that. When Brianna told her that she was leaving, something in her seemed to snap. In the haze of anger and fear, she’d really laid into her, tearing her apart for being a bad girlfriend, and a coward. She was moving away for a new start, free from any past associations, with a scholarship for a fashion course. Kameron called her a mouse for it. Kameron near enough shouted in her face that running away wouldn’t solve anything. Kameron broke up with her because she was moving away to chase her dreams.

She still felt guilty about it. Never in her life had she acted that badly towards someone else, but she felt frantic at the time. Brianna told her about it a week before she had to leave, and on reflection, she realised that she’d kept quiet about it was because she was scared. No doubt the excessive, unpleasant reaction to it made things a lot worse. They’d not spoken since then, but Kameron frequently found herself caught up in memories and remorse. Maybe she would go over to the drinks table; not to talk to Eureka, but to start forgetting the night.

If she was sensible, she’d go and speak to Brianna. Sort it out for once and for all, or at least apologize for how she’d acted. Brianna clearly wasn’t over it, because her frequent glances were somewhat frightful, and she consciously moved to stand on the other side of Monet at one point. Heaving a sigh, she fought back the instinct to grab a drink, and instead wandered a little closer. If she was too frightened, she wouldn’t do it. She didn’t want to ruin this night for her; she didn’t want to cause any more damage. The blonde, though she moved a little closer to the woman she came with, didn’t seem like she would flee.

When she’d left, Kameron was a lot lankier, and somewhat lithe, but she still carried a cool, unapproachable air. She was regarded somewhat as a force to be reckoned with, and was terrifying in the rare instances that she raised her voice. Now, she was burly, and despite her approach for a friendlier reason, she still retained a rather steely expression. When she was close, Monet stood to be a little in the way, as if to defend her meager framed friend. Kameron’s heart near enough broke; she wasn’t a savage. She let one instance of anger get the better of her, and it had done so much damage.

It didn’t help that the reaction was a scowl, because that just lead to the woman stepping up to her, and they locked eyes in a glare. After a moment, Kameron looked towards Brianna, who’d paced back a little bit and was watching her warily. “I just…” If she asked to take Brianna aside, she’d be reasonably denied, and besides, she didn’t really have anything to hide from Monet, “I know it’s been a long time since, but, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about what happened when you told me you were going to Paris. I’m sorry I snapped, no, I’m sorry I screamed at you. It was a selfish, unnecessary, over the top reaction. I’ll go now, But I… I just wanted to tell you, incase I didn’t have another chance. I’m sorry.”

When the redhead took a few steps away, Monet subsided, moving to be by the now teary eyed girl’s side. She leaned up to whisper something in the woman’s ear, before moving toward Kameron, ushering for her to follow. Reluctantly, she went with her, out into the courtyard where they were alone. Brianna was shaking a little, and she was blinking back tears, but she clearly wanted to deal with this herself. She was never a weak girl, but her vision of Kameron was so skewed now that she was somewhat afraid of her.

“Thank you for your apology.” Her voice wavered, and she swallowed hard, “It’s nice to um… have some closure?” She nodded, “I should have apologized sooner. Like, immediately after. I was just upset that you were leaving.” “I know.” Pushing herself up onto one of the tables, she rested her feet on the seating bench below, a little calmer when she could hear the hesitation in the redhead’s voice. “So, did you come back for just this, or…?” “I was only in Paris for four years. I got my qualification, I came back home. I’ve been here a while. Did you stay here?” “In this town? Yeah. Not had as much fun as you have.” “What do you do?” “At the minute, unload lorries for a local supermarket. But I’ve been between jobs.”

A silence fell on them, and Kameron wondered if she could join her up on the table. When she moved nearer, Brianna pet a space a little distance from her, and she sat just a little further away than that. There wouldn’t be any point in encroaching on her. “Were people excited to see you here?” “Yeah, kinda. It got a little much for me though, so Monet herded them off.” “You two close?” “She’s like a sister, or… A crazy auntie.” She laughed a little. “She’s always been a character.”

Kameron moved to lie back on the table, staring up at the star speckled blanket of the night sky. It was a cold night for the summer, and she was regretting the short sleeves of her shirt. She’d dressed semi-formal, which seemed to be the general mood, but she’d certainly underdressed for the weather. Her companion was in what looked like a fur lined jacket, and she was definitely warm enough, despite her maintained shakiness. This all felt weirdly familiar, and eventually, Brianna lay back against the wood of the table, and glanced nervously towards her, warmed by the smile offered her way.

“When you turned on me like that, it terrified me,” Brianna stated as she tipped her head back, staring up at the sky. It was easier than eye contact. “It was like it wasn’t you. I’d seen you get angry before, but I’d never even heard you shout. We’d argued, but you’d never yelled at me. I didn’t know what to do. And I know it’s stupid, but since then, I’d built you up to be a monster in my head, you know? But you’re not. You’re still silly old Kameron, who can never stay sat up unless there’s something to lean on, who never brings a coat because she thinks she’ll be warm enough, and who’s so determined to put things right that she doesn’t hide what she has to say.”

Kameron chucked a little, turning her head to the side and smiling warmly. Her cheeks were slightly flushed, and she bit down on her lip. Brianna’s tone had changed completely in that she’d gone from cautious and wary, to calm and warm. “I’m sorry that I ruined things. I should’ve been a better girlfriend when I had you. Or at least, not split up with you because you were going overseas.” “Yeah, but… That’s what happened, and we have to face it,” She tipped her head to the side to look at her, “Even if it’s not what we wanted. I don’t know that things would have worked long distance. I don’t know that I could have taken it anyway. I couldn’t stand being away from you for a weekend, let alone what could have been months at time.” “It’s funny. The City of Love would have torn us apart no matter what.”

Things fell into a slightly uncomfortable silence. Maybe it was just the nostalgia, and the way things had been resolved, but Kameron could but feel a heat lasting in her cheeks, and the racing in her heart. She maintained a moment of eye contact with the blonde before looking back up toward the night sky, sighing softly and tapping her nails on the washed out wood they lay on. After a moment, she felt the softness of a small hand on the back of hers, fingers brushing her knuckles before sliding down to lock between the digits. She closed a fist, squeezing Brianna’s fingertips against the top of her palm, before wiggling free to hold her hand properly.

“Did you find what you wanted in Paris?” “Other than the qualification? No. I didn’t like it there all that much, I missed home. It was lonely, and I didn’t feel connected to anyone. People say college is for experimenting, but… I didn’t have the motivation to go out most nights. I just wanted to come back here.” “You must’ve been happy to come home then.” “Kind of.” That wasn’t the answer she expected. “I felt empty when I came back. Of course, I’d been in touch with Monet, and for a long while, I was staying with her and Bob until I’d got a stable job and moved out, but I just felt vacant. Like something was missing.”

Nodding a little, Kameron gave her hand a light squeeze, aware that the topic was getting her a little emotional. “You ever find that puzzle piece?” She shrugged, “Not yet. I mean, I tried relationships, but any I got in just felt fake, and I didn’t want to try with any friends. It wouldn’t be worth the chaos if we split.” “That’s understandable.” “Are you seeing anyone?” Kameron shook her head, “No. I’ve not done much socialising outside of work though, and I wouldn’t touch most of those people if my life depended on it. They’re all nasty and sweaty from lifting heavy stuff off lorries all day.” “Like you?” “Yeah, like me.” Chuckling, she rolled her eyes, squeezing Brianna’s hand again.

Something in Brianna suddenly felt frightened, but this time not because of the redhead. Instead, she was hounded at by the fear that this might be the last chance for them to be like they were. It had been ten years, and no doubt the warmth in her chest came from sentimentality only. A part of her was longing to have what they had back, to feel the warmth of those arms cradling her, to feel the softness of her lips, to even hear the sound of her snoring through the night. All the things she’d missed all this time were flooding her brain, and she sat up, shaking her hand free. This had been a bad idea.

Kameron pushed up off the table, watching her with a tilted head and a reasonably confused expression. She thought things were going well; amends were made, after all. Brianna had encouraged her to sit, and been the one to hold her hand, so this sudden withdrawal was bewildering. For a moment, she considered if she’d done, or said, something wrong, but nothing sprung to mind. After she’d joked along with her, she’d just lay there quietly, not even looking at her. Brianna hopped down from the table, moving a few paces away, hesitating a little to look back.

Clumsily, Kameron moved back onto the asphalt, lingering by the table’s edge, still eyeing her with as much uncertainty as she did a moment ago. “Are you… going back inside?” Her voice crackled a little, and she bit down hard on her lip. “Yeah… I don’t think this was a good idea. I’m sorry.” “What wasn’t a good idea?” “Sorry, it’s stupid. I just… Staying out here with you, I mean. Not because of you, but I…” Brianna was cut off by a breath catching in her chest, tears starting to prick at her eyes. Kameron moved toward her, gently taking her wrists in her hands and rubbing her thumb slowly over her pulse. The blonde shuffled a little closer, leaning her head against her chest. Letting go, Kameron instead wrapped her arms around her middle, holding her close.

“It’s been so long, Kameron. I feel like an idiot.” “Don’t feel like an idiot, it’s okay,” One hand moved off of her back as she leaned away a little, enough to comfortably run a finger along the underside of Brianna’s jaw, tilting her head up, “It’s been less time than I’ve known you for, we’ve known each other for such a long time. Getting sentimental is okay. I missed you, and you meant a lot to me even before we were together. You were my closest friend. I don’t know that I was yours because I can’t speak for you, but you’re not an idiot for getting emotional.” “I just want things to be like they were. Before Paris. Before the fight. I wish I didn’t leave.”

There was a moment of hesitation, where the taller woman was clearly stopping herself from saying something that would make things worse. She agreed with Brianna; she’d been wishing the same thing for years. But that wasn’t the appropriate, or fair, response. “You had to leave, because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t have your degree. Or, you would have, but you would have been in much more debt. You did what was right for you, and I’m sorry I didn’t see it at the time. And, like you said earlier, we would have split anyway.” “Not if I’d stayed. I should’ve looked for another course.” “Don’t beat yourself up over it, it’s okay. It’s in the past.”

This encounter had made things click a little bit in Brianna’s head, and it was only making her feel worse. Every other woman she’d been with felt inadequate, even if in practicality they were flawless. It didn’t matter how conventionally perfect they were, they could hardly fill the Kameron shaped hole in her heart that had only grown bigger and bigger over the years. She’d made Kameron a monster in her head so she could try and get over her, and so she could assuage her guilt for leaving. She’d been aware of that, but never had to face it. It had been a decade, and she was still enamoured with this woman.

Kameron’s hand still lingered on her jaw, and she was looking down at her with a warmth in her eyes. Her fondness for Brianna, now that all the guilt was cast aside, was at the forefront of her mind. The woman, though she was tiny, was gargantuan in value - she always had been. She was like a precious gem; she was the prize jewel. It felt surreal be back in each other’s lives like this, and it felt almost like fate. Kameron was compelled to go against her instinct to stay home, and now, they had this moment together. Those teary doe-eyes were focused on her, and once again, Kameron felt compelled to do something.

She moved in to kiss her, and as she did, Brianna’s hands raised to hold onto her cheeks as she leaned up on her toes. Her fingers were freezing, but her lips were warm. The kiss only lingered a moment, the blonde a little wobbly. An arm around her waist kept her afloat, and before she pulled away, Kameron leaned herself down a little to accommodate Brianna’s tiny frame, and let her stand with her feet flat. After the disconnect, Brianna kept her hands on the woman’s flushed cheeks, as if letting go would sacrifice what they’d regained. Kameron’s hands were now resting on her hips, keeping her close as she nuzzled her nose into her hair.

“That was like a movie kiss,” Brianna teased, trying to joke through the immensity of her fluster. “I couldn’t not do it. I’d kick myself if I wasted the chance. I know its been ten years, and I know we’ve probably changed a lot in that time, but maybe, if anything, could we go for dinner some time?” Kameron’s work around made her laugh, the bashful, clumsy approach to the words coming off as sweet, “I would love that.”

#kameron michaels #miz cracker #monet x change #crameron #cisgirl au #angst #angst with a happy ending #akita #rpdr fanfiction #submission #lesbian au #s10

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edmartinsta · 4 years

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Nice To Think I’m Still On Here

Woah has life changed since this. Tumblr is my first place I ever published anything and posted anything before Facebook and Twitter were even a thing for me. I cant tell you how excited I am to know that from here on out I can log in and continue something special to my heart. My posts are a little here and there so I hope I dont scare you away or weird you out or make it boring. From this moment I’ll try to continue my content through here where I know only one person will actually know to find me and no one else haha. To those that may not know me so well I used to be a music blog where I would talk about so much stuff until I realized I wanted to make a website. This was more of a private thing and actually more public than it is now with Tumblr’s popularity back in 2010ish when everyone I thought was cool owned a Tumblr. I guess I can’t blame them I left for a long time this and fell off hard even though I probably could have done something pretty cool with it by now or used it to help me on my other things.

Little update: I left high school in 2013 so not much after the music posts I remember stopping this and maybe continuing it here and there, After there I went to community college where I ended up making lost of memories which im sure I’ll have plenty of time reminiscing with you guys, I then moved to Chicago to follow my dreams as a designer and stayed out there for about four years. Was amazing and could have been better if I planned better and actually could get a job out there that was laidback as I was a pretty tardy asshole to my employers. I wasnt late by hours but I was late often and if that didnt get me fired I would simply quit and never show my face there again. It was a mess, I was a mess, everything was fucked up but everything was also new and fascinating. I dont regret any of it. Now its been years since college and sadly I never finished with a semester remaining. That was a terrible day for my mother I could see she wanted to yell and cry because I told her I got expelled basically from art school for flunking. Man that was a terrible situation I tried to tell people I really tried my best was just a reckless kid who could never get any sleep and was always thinking of what to do and not doing the stuff. Ugh I get upset just thinking about it. So much time wasted. But I suppose I at least realize it now....also that I still dont regret it, it shapes us these failures. im 25 now and soon to be 26 and honestly I’m scared shitless. I feel like i never saved anything, never built credit, havent gone on a date in years, havent gone to eat with friends more than five times in six years, have broken almost everything I own in some sort of way. i dont eat correctly all the time, i dont exercise to keep the figure i used to have less than two years ago. I started college senior year of high school and somehow still screwed up the process and fell behind over and over again and even got screwed by the education system and now have tons of debt which im barely getting out of because of my amazing mom who is also the most toxic person in my life. Man........i know I look bad i know i suck.....im not perfect in any way.....I lost my way..........I know my way back and what I gotta do but........that time ill never get back. Ive never had a stable job in my life for god sake. Ugh I hope I dont come off as a failure I feel it completely but I dont want to be one. I have done so much in my life and met amazing people that honestly makes it all worth something but damn my heart........I don’t want to blame anyone but myself. My parents werent the best educated and still scares me to think I was so alone when I was younger that even my parents only talked to me to put me down and still kinda do but now we can carry a conversation and bond a smidge...im 25......

This quickly turned into something more than just a update I got caught up. But I want to take this extra step in my life to document on here most of my thoughts and things as I used to back before high school culture was no more for me. To Christina.....if you read this at all...just know the only thing over the past couple years on my mind has been you if not my purpose in this life..my life....has been nothing short of terrible since we last talked and yeah I had a ton of good luck too and am blessed to say the least but the man I said I wanted to become just hasnt happened yet. I let myself go for a bit...but now I want to show the world and you...that the past couple years didnt just happen for nothing....there is so much, so fucking much I got planned and been planning for that I just hope you see why it took so long. My time will come..and maybe one day we can talk and laugh about all this because you were one of the most memorable people ever to cross paths with and even though we barely text each other anymore I hope one day we can be good friends again. Im sure we all been so busy surviving.

To those who got this far I really didnt expect anyone to finish this. It was a huge ramble. But I hope you can see I came a bit moody into the post but also with hope and excitement that Tumblr will be my home again for getting away from social media. Its been almost two years since I posted on Facebook and I dont use instagram as much anymore so ill be on here :D message me if anyone wants to be friends or anyone who may relate heck anyone who thinks they wanna be friends haha penpals that maybe have art side to them too??? hahah okay thats all bye everyone <3

#words

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majamamak · 6 years

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My earliest memory is when I walked into my dad's den and started looking through his office material. I started shuffling through his pens, computer and papers. I’m not sure what I was looking for but I know I was curious because I looked up to him and his profession a lot. Definitely not my earliest memory but something that has come to my head lately and it's weird I remember that little snippet of my life.

My happiest memory is when I was tripping with my best friend Bella and we really wanted to go on the carousel. So we got money and left everyone in the skatepark just so we can pretend to be little kids again. I felt like such a child, so free, so myself it was so beautiful I was so happy. Tripping can be overwhelming but once you feel comfortable it's the most beautiful and euphoric experience you can ever imagine. We were both laughing so much and couldn't pick what animal to sit on. It makes me so happy just thinking about it.

The last time I felt really embarrassed was when I accidentally said the n work not on purpose but my lips slipped when I was talking about something else and it sounded like I said the n word and everyone just looked at me and I was like oh no i didn't mean to say that. But me saying that only kinda showed I was talking about that which I wasn't and i felt really embarrassed because it wa such a misunderstanding.

The last time I cried was yesterday when me and steph were having sex and she wasn't into it because of her own insecurities and I absorbed that energy so intensely after I started crying. I couldn't help it but I felt hurt she didn't feel as comfortable with me as i did with her.

One of my biggest regrets in my life is me procrastinating and staying in my bed all the time missing the work that I should be doing. I wish I put more priority on the things I have to do so I can enjoy my free time ven more without feeling the stress of having to complete a task.

The funniest joke I’ve heard in my life out of many is probably a joke that relates to my life but I definitely can't think of it. I’ve been thinking so long it's not worth coming up with an exact answer if this question is going to take up all my time. SO many jokes are worthy for this question but I can't think of even one, now THAT'S a joke.

I was in class probably joking around with Amelia, looking at Raquelle’s photos. I enjoyed her cops series a lot.

I was still probably looking at her work and maybe chipping in, it was the beginning of class so I definitely felt eager to comment.

I can't fully remember a lot of things but one thing I recently couldn't fully remember is a funny joke to answer one of these questions. I dont know I’m just blanking right now, I wish I did but there's many things I can't remember and it brings me such sadness.

Bella has told me her diaper story so many times where she blamed her peeing in a diaper on her younger sister and she ended up taking the blame. It’s really funny to me but at this point I’ve let her tell me this so many times that I can probably retell it better than she can.

The funniest family memory that I can recall is when my brother got super drunk in Poland with my whole family and so many funny things happened that night. My grandma was taking water shots while pretending its vodka just to fit in, my brother was speaking incoherently and my mom was just observing and calling him out on it. I ended up taking care of him and walking with him and our aunts back to their house while he went on the longest rant about life in America. A memory I truly enjoyed and am glad that happened because it was the first time I was able to get legally drunk with my whole family.

The saddest thing that ever happened that we all lived through was probalay the death of our close friends dog Tony that we all were close with and me and my brother grew up with. I am fortunate not to have many deaths in my family that we all lived through so we never experienced sadness together which probably would be beneficial for our connection because we don't show affection towards each other but that's also really interconnected in Polish culture.

The best we were as a unit was probably when we had a flood in our house and we all went into teamwork mode where everyone took up a job to control the water levels. We were all so busy taking care of the situation that we didn't realize the bonding that we finally shared in a long time because we are a family family, we keep to ourselves, again because the awkward polish culture intertwined with American culture.

Me swinging on a swing upon the roaring waves on the beaches of Jamaica where the little sword like fish tickled my feet. My spirit opened up to the sky and I felt a sort of great disconnecting where I felt like it was okay for me not to feel my body at this moment where this would mortify me otherwise. A flamingo catches my soul and takes me through the air, now that I realize I’m not in control of where my body is I desperately scream to let me go feeling trapped and isolated at the same time. He drops me into the water and with little soul left I reconnect to my physical body and drawing is a bliss of peace.

I was so drunk oe time with Poland with my whole family where every word I spoke did not make sense to anyone so I just sat and kept drinking my whiskey. I felt liberated to drink as much as I did with all these people who have known me as a baby because now I was mature and in my own world. My sister walked me back with my aunts family where I started ranking about the U.S and how it truly is a land of opportunity and helped me discover my passion for architecture.

I got too drunk at the family party and ran off because of the annoyance m family gave to me because of the fact I was so drunk around them. Ended up waking up in my uncles abandoned construction house on the top of the hill with a blown up phone over concern of my whereabouts.

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