#just. Idk just very relatable to how disconnected this year has been | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bisluthq · 4 months

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Hi nat, I don’t wanna sound like a hater but I’ve just been struggling sm lately bc I feel so disconnected to Taylor iykwim? Like she just seems unrecognizable and excuse the parasocialness but like idk I think I just need to separate from the fandom because I just feel she’s so different in the past year and it makes me so sad. Everything just seems somewhat staged and inauthentic. I really loved her and even considered her as my favorite person and lifesaver at some point. But that beautiful, genuine, and talented person that i thought she was is not there anymore. I really saw myself in her at some point and really believed she was a gift to this world with the happiness she brought to people and how she was unapologetically herself, from the intimate fan interactions and public vulnerability and need for privacy she showed compared to other celebrities. Especially the fact that she’s been trying so fiercely to rewrite the history of the past 7 years of her life and is doing a complete 180 on the life she said she wanted is so disheartening to watch as a long time fan. I really thought that rep - evermore Taylor was really her most authentic self but idek anymore. The person she is now is like an entirely different persona and it makes me really sad. I hope she can find herself again for her own sake but i think this is just who she is and who am I to judge that lmao? At the end of the day no person with that amount of money or fame would be relatable. Look I always have to remind myself I don’t know her obviously but I thought I had gotten a pretty good sense from following her the last 12 years. Idk honestly I’m just kinda ranting here but was wondering if anyone else felt like this lately. A lot of my irls and friends have been saying they feel the same disconnect.

Xx anon ❤️

no shade queen and I’m sorry you’re feeling sad but herein lies the problem: “I really loved her and even considered her as my favorite person and lifesaver at some point.” That’s not a fair thing to put on Taylor. She’s literally just some lady lmfao and she’s an extremely talented musician, and she’s hot, and she’s very funny, and she’s a good writer even when it comes to prose, and she’s hardworking as fuck, and she’s apparently quite kind, and she also apparently makes nice food, and she has cute handwriting. That’s all we really know about her tbh. She can’t be our fave person or our lifesaver because like we don’t know her?? It’s not fair to put that on her.

on a very minor scale when I did professional activism/politics and on an even more minor scale on this blog when it was very big like sometimes I felt like I had this responsibility to people to like idk be something for them. And I can’t lol because I’m just a girl who likes to make jokes and write and teach history and drink and recently to go rowing lol. It’s not fair to expect me to be anything other than an interesting essay (in the activism days) or a funny joke (in the blogging days). I can’t be responsible for other shit. Taylor has that on the HUGEST scale and I can imagine how stressful that is and it’s not yk fair. I personally think she’ll get bored of being this public in a bit but she’s having fun rn. She’s got a cute boyfriend and her career is doing stellar and she’s got the I cut down on alcohol glow and shit like let the lady live for a bit. She doesn’t owe us shit. And I’m not convinced she’s a different person, I think she’s just not caring if people see she’s yk who she is - not an angel, not a hermit artiste, just a girl who’s trying to vibe.

I also think for me personally I’ve enjoyed a lot of her recent music so that adds to it. I love Midnights and I love the 1989 Vault and idk I am happy to let her vibe like she doesn’t owe us shit. Far be it from me to tell you to buy her $20 teacups or whatever to sponsor her trips to KC - I don’t lol - but I think it’s deeply unfair to expect her to be your lifeline or whatever like that’s genuinely not on her.

All this said, if you’re not vibing with music or the brand rn that’s okay. Harry Potter was HUGELY important to me in my preteens and into my teens and then as it happened, it turned out that JKR was a really bad person and I reread the books genuinely for science and they weren’t that great like there was a lot there I found actively not okay so aside from how I wouldn’t publicly be a millennial Potterhead anyway probably because I’m not yk that bloody weird I actively disengaged and I asked family and friends to stop buying me Robert Galbraith books and I just like… disengaged. Never watched the cursed child, haven’t watched any of the fantastic beast movies after the first one, never bought any merch again even when it’s a bit cute, just totally cut myself off. That’s MY choice. It’s not JK’s. JK is out there vibing like as she should but I don’t have to support her and she doesn’t owe me shit lol so like yes our moral compasses unfortunately do not align and that’s just the reality so I can be all dramatic or I can just stop buying her shit lol and I’ve chosen to do the latter and I don’t have any bad feelings towards her. We just don’t agree on morals. If you don’t agree with Taylor on morals or even lifestyle that’s also fine but again that’s a you problem not a Taylor problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

hope this made sense and helped although it was rambley.

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spikeinthepunch · 11 months

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rebrand conflict

idk how to decide what is a good or bad decision in terms of like...wanting to rebrand. i wish i could count back to how long i have used "morrysillusion" overall, i dont have a specific date. but i know after the white/brown antelope/wolf fursona, i think i dropped "moreyytilatot"? i think i tried to just go by "morey" in some form (i recall "princemorry" url). and then i dropped the 'nisovinsillusion' url maybe in early 2016? but i also had the coffini url here for a good while after. i cant remember if i used morrysillusion outside of tumblr around that time so. idk...

and heres the thing-- i dont really feel disconnected from my username, its fine and i think its p cool. but also in my head i keep wanting to change it, and part of that is wanting to claim a super old username i have no bad associations with. and i think part of that is bc of all the ways i am trying to do the things i was denied through my younger years-- so i am just reliving a lot of nice things and recalling the vibes and online trend etc i had. but also like.... attitude? personality wise? i feel like im not reflecting that w my current "brand" so to speak. at the very least if i didnt change my username, i still dont feel like the current look is something i want. i think the urge on the username change is just an additional feeling to push away from what i have been under this name.

the username i keep wanting to fall back to is 'spikeinthepunch/spikedpunch' (had the short one on xboxlive and the long one on deviantart) which was a short lived username but has no negative relations to anything, and i wished i kept it for a bit longer. and its kind of an edgy username lol. but in my recent years of growing as an adult, moving out, and being my own person, i feel soooo different than how my accounts have been presenting me. i guess ive been like soft, simple, and stiff in presentation? i think i fell into this when i was thinking id keep doing art commissions etc in a "professional" way, and especially bc i was doing my CN internship around then and wanted to still look presentable for the industry when looking for jobs. and while i certainly would love to work in the creative industry potentially, i obviously dont need to keep up that Normal-er image, i never should have, but also at that age and time i didnt feel like i could be that way at all. i was far more nervous of people interpreting me badly, negatively, etc if i was more edgy or mature. i was young and not dealing with my issues and so fixated on trauma etc.

this is also lining up w my plans to rework my website too. and i think a lot of this feeling also comes along w my "mascot" who i think is lovely! but him being a "mascot" makes him.... very detached from me as a person. i havent had any sonas to relate to in almost over a year... and my mascot was never meant to be a sona, just a Guy to represent my vibe (the colors, aliens) and social media appearance. and i guess i dont like that vibe anymore. i havent even felt all too into the shift i made to Mikike just having a vague spacesuit either, i felt i was just forcing that in order to fit the simple minecraft skin format for readability. (if people were to draw my skin, making it plantigrade and less animal would be easier)

and of course an additional observation i have had in more recent times are manic episodes that make me uproot parts of my life and change a lot of stuff about my identity etc. it may not seem like that happens online but its bc i manage to hold back on changing things abt my online branding lol- but it often results in making sideblogs for whatever new fandom/media i attached to in my episode and irl changing my entire appearance to fit and much more (and promptly drop both in about a month or so- its why i have so many abandoned sideblogs). this is obviously the bigger issue bc its what makes it Very hard for me to not do this (n yes i am in a bit of an episode rn despite my medication so...). and shocker, so many of my username/url changes and failure to ever keep one long enough to form an identity is related to that as well! its a surprise i havent done it in years but it was the expectation to stay with one identity, one look, in order to be Normal and recognized in a professional way, and i dont like that.

making this post and dumping thoughts has me thinking on a solution. as i said i dont really feel detached from my username. but what i dont relate to the most now is the way i feel i have gotten stuck in presenting myself online, and as a "brand". i want to toss out my color scheme, my mascot, my outward attitude. i want to let myself actually present in a way i like and not in a way that feels "clean". when my wcrp got shut down i had to come to the idea of acceptance and letting go of things i cannot control. and the reality of what truly doesnt matter in terms of what people may think of me. that was a huge pressure left on me for YEARS thanks to 2014-16 tumblr mindset and it is so so much harder to break esp if you want to try and be a creator and build an audience. i felt like i had become aware of this, and i have, but i didnt really click the fact that i wasnt into my current online presence bc i was still living with a piece of that era.. the fear of getting popular and being 'called out' for something for years ago, that wasnt even serious or bad, feeling like i was stepping carefully everywhere even when nothing was wrong. this doesnt entirely tie to WHY i want to do all the above. its just an observation on one of the things that hold me back too. just staying the same and staying safe. i hardly ever post, and while its something i chose to do its also a 'bonus' to not giving people much things to read off of me and assume from too.

this is getting too long and i think i have my point. idk what im gonna do but im thinking a lot abt how i should take control of my online life.

#sorry this could have been a shorter post but you know me #also. i cant change my username on all my sites either :/ so #my icon has been blank for this reason btw

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nonbinaryaubrey · 2 years

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Do you have the rough idea of a plot for the aitsf omori AU? Or anything about how the omori characters differ from canon? I’d love to here anything about it really

uhhh,, i kiind of have a rough idea for how things start? as it goes farther along its a bit more muddy due to the different routes that still need to be figured out.. so ill just try to talk about the start of it. Once again!! this AU is!! very very early in development -w-.. trying to combine Omori's story with AITSF's story telling is.. expectedly difficult <3

Pretty much it's kind of (<- very big kind of) like Omori's plot but more shifted around to be a murder mystery plot, like how AITSF has it.

It focuses around Sunny, a psyncer at ABIS, trying to solve the mystery of the 'suicide' of his sister Mari after some,, currently indeterminate number of years after her death. (currently in my idea for it) This is most likely kickstarted by Abbi, his AI-ball, doing a somnium with him (similar to how Aiba does a somnium with Date at the start of AITSF), where he is lead to believe that he is... forgetting something very important around the death of his sister, and that it may not have been a suicide. <- idk whether this somnium should contain the first route split or if it should be more linear. During this investigation he reunites with some of his old friends from before,, everything happened..

^ from this point onwards is when things become a little more disconnected and less figured out,, mostly due to this kind of being the point where the different routes start happening and stuff.

i thiink this little plot summary will probably end up being the most consistent part of the AU as it gets worked on further but i still need to figure things out such as

how far after Mari's death does this take place? Like how old would Sunny (and his friends) be. as much as i want it to take place 6 years since thats the aitsf number but. Sunny would be 18 at that time. and i REALLY doubt Sunny would be able to get into ABIS that young (yes Mizuki is 18 but the reason why she's in ABIS is because 1: she literally has super strength. and 2: She knows Boss)

^ related to that one. but.. im not really sure how Sunny would begin working in ABIS at all? Im aware its probably not SUPERR important but.. idk i still think its worth trying to explain it a little bit

Im not really completely sure how Sunny's somnium would work? i know that i kind of want it to go from a completely light area to ending off at a completely dark area and that.. i think i kind of want it to end with a truth album photo similar to how Omori starts . but as for whats inbetween those things? i have no consistent ideas

and.. finally for what i can think of for right now.. i dont rlly know how to pace this thing <- or whatever the word is. mainly since. this is more following AITSF with the way its story is told i guess? problem with that is.. AITSF more has you investigating currently happening murder cases. While this... does not have any currently happening murder cases rlly,,, so idk completely how to do that..

but ANYWAYS!!!! i apologize for a lot of this being 'maybe's or 'possibly's, i just want to be clear that some of this might end up changed at some point. BUT THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR ASKING ME ABOUT THIS AU!!! im really having a lot of fun with it and i appreciate being able to talk about it ^_^!!! thank you so much!!!

#asks #anonymous #aubrey.txt #aitsf omori au #omori #<- fuck it. maintagging. look at my AU boy.#omori spoilers

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marshmallowprotection · 2 years

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Hi!! I’d like a matchup, if you’re doing them still. My name is mar, my pronouns are she/they/he, and I’m a lesbian but since that terribly limits my options let’s just ignore that. Im a libra sun, Capricorn moon, Scorpio rising (and Scorpio Venus lol), ESTJ 3w4.

My main love language is quality time. I tend to like people who I can also be friends with (I’ve had the episode of falling in love w my best friend lol it’s a universal sapphic experience). People who I can spend fun times with, who share my interests and stuff, because then I feel like I’ll be able to share myself with them. I dont show it outward often but I’m a huge nerd lmaooo

I’m currently double majoring in musical theatre and intl relations. Theatre is a lifelong passion and what I’m looking to make my career, I’ve been in a few productions and they’ve been the greatest experiences of my life. Intl relations is a niche little academic interest (also my parents wanted me to also get a “conventional” major) that combines all my niche little study interests: history, political philosophy and theory, and learning about the different cultures of the world.

I’m also a huge nerd for astrology and personality typology (mbti enneagram etc) I’ve been learning astrology on my own for two years now and it’s fascinating to me. I’ve gotten pretty good at reading birth charts (even have some mysme astrology headcanons) and absolutely LOVE learning anything I can about the subject. It is, to me, a way of understanding not just how people work but also the mechanisms of life itself.

I also like writing, reading, and playing games in my free time. Rn I’m into reading stuff like essays and poetry collections and stuff. And my favorite game to play (the only one I play consistently really lmao) is genshin. I like it’s aesthetics and the lore has me absolutely sucked in. I also sing a lot, and dance. As for activities I like to do: anything social. Going to cafes and bars, going to plays, (unironically) shopping.

I’d say I’m pretty aloof in relationships. I’m really bad at expressing my feelings for the other person, I tend to be a bit insecure on that regard. I like to keep my distance, both physically and emotionally lmao. I’ll talk about whatever with you but it’s hard for me to be actually vulnerable. I struggle with burying my feelings with work and other activities, or disconnecting from the emotional side of the issue by looking at the practical.

My friends all describe me as very funny and I guess I am. I like seeing the humor in things and often point it out, and I don’t take things too seriously at times. I’m also pretty hard to read, but I’d say that’s bc I don’t tend to trust people enough to be truly open with them. I would obviously love for that to happen, though.

It takes a lot for me to fall in love, but when I do, I’m always hooked for a long, long time. I’m like… offhandedly possessive, wanting to spend all day with the person. I also want to know everything about them, like discover them kinda. Tbh I’m not very experienced with love in general (but curiously I write about it a lot).

Anyway that’s all I think is relevant about me idk if it’s a lot or not hehe I’m curious to see the matchup. Love ur stuff!!

I match with you...

Jumin!

It may come as a surprise, or it may not. It's just something about your energy that says that the two of you would mesh well together in your romantic typing. It's because the two of you understand each other better than anybody else ever would. When you are easily misunderstood by other people, it's hard to find that one person who just knows what you're talking about. In this case, when the two of you make eye contact, it's easy to see that you are kindred spirits that have been lost from each other for some time.

You both trust but only when it is necessary. You know when to set boundaries and when to be wary of the people around you. You know how to control yourself in the moment even if the emotions inside of you are going all over the place. You're just the kind of person that needs somebody who can be strong so that you have a moment to be weak. In Vice versa, it would also be important. He never lets himself have a moment with his guard down so would you, it's nice to know that he can do it without fear.

With that said, it's not that hard to imagine that he would have a vetted interest in astrology because it's not all that far off from the dark magic that he normally likes to read about. There's a lot of overlap in these interests so it's something he knows. He may not be as well-versed as you but you can trust that he can easily keep up in a conversation and makes you feel like you have somebody who listens. It's rare to have somebody listen to you when you're talking about something that you're passionate about because people may not understand how much it means to you when you talk about it. He knows what that feels like.

#ask #matchup #mod kait #pyhare

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lizardthelizard · 2 years

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Hi hello hi I know I don't go here but I read the Chucky ask and I'm curious - if he Does think about it, would August feel more positively or worse about stories with less horrific dolls/puppets? There's some folkloric ones out there where the 'hauntings' (stuff being thrown about, voices etc) calm down once the doll is being played with or comfortably sat somewhere and so on. I suppose the question is would he identify More with that, or be more disquieted since that's a human soul in an otherwise inanimate object (which... Is that what he is when he's a puppet in ouat?) Rather than a cartoonishly evil demon thing?

If this makes no sense feel free to delete ajashafkl

WELL THIS IS THE THING. Because, with Chucky, it's a story about a man trapped inside a doll, spending far too long trying to kill a child in order to NOT be trapped in the doll forever. He was a man to begin with and that's what he's trying to become again.

August on the other hand, was 'born' a puppet. Technically speaking, he's never been younger than seven. And, as mentioned briefly on the other post, (because OUAT's canon is dumb and doesn't care about August's character), they accidentally implied that he had been a puppet for over 20 years. It's something he's VERY familiar with (even if it's something his adult self is perhaps uncomfortable with) and, whether he likes it or not, his puppet self has always been an integral part of him. (idk how much you've learned through me by osmosis but, later in the series, his adult self turns back into a horrible wooden puppet too)

Anyway, I feel like....Maybe? Perhaps he would resonate more with a puppet with a human soul, rather than the human forced into the puppet + the puppet as merely a vessel/shell. IDK it's really tricky because he's had 28 years to live as a human and remove himself from his puppet self. So idk how much he was able to disconnect from his past.

I feel like, if the puppet in question felt TOO MUCH like an inanimate object, then maybe he'd find it difficult to relate? Because, despite being physically a puppet....he's still otherwise human (still talks, sleeps, feels....possibly eats/drinks but....who knows. ouat never confirmed that) I guess that I'm not personally as familiar with that genre of puppet (that or I just can't think of one off the top of my head) so it's a little difficult for me to give a definitive answer. But....those are some of my thoughts on the matter anyway :')

#seb tysm for the ask 😭💖#I have other thoughts on this I think. but they're scrambling around in my brain like a box of ferrets #idk I can't put it together properly #also. I very much enjoyed the chucky franchise. but I didn't get sucked into in the same way that I know some fans are #so idk even though like....I've seen 6 movies or whatever. I still don't feel qualified to talk about them #outside of a very basic surface level #august booth #ouat #august meta #asks #yourlordship #thank u for enabling me <3

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kaitlynnlauryenn · 6 months

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Brooo😭 my anger & distress feels like a HUGE fucking rock hanging over my head & it's just waiting to crush me.

When I feel overwhelmed like this I always come back to feeling as if my romantic relationship is what keeps this huge ass rock afloat.

It's been 3 fucking years & it still feels like hell 90% of the time.

The first year made me feel small and insignificant. My relationship with mom blew tf up. I started having huge mentally ill episodes. [for example like getting arrested] I started losing my bearings on my reality.

That same year, my mom became crazy pissed by my relationship & felt as if she had the right to decide that it was toxic & actively detrimental to my well being.

I realize that no matter how right she was in that perspective, her reaction was completely psychotic & inappropriate. SHE was definitely responsible for causing huge riffs in our relationship.

Especially because I was in the process of trying to understand my short comings & bring myself motivation to actively & productively achieve goals that were incredibly important to me.

My mother wouldn't give me space to process my realizations about my family, nor did she respond to me clearly communicating boundaries. Instead she had PTSD attack after PTSD attack & blamed me.

That being said she kicked me out. This would be during the second year of my current romantic relationship.

My very turbulent relationship.

We broke up every 6 months due to major downfalls in our communication & connection.

As a gift after being forced to leave my home, my mother left me in complete psychosis. She completely slandered my bf & left me tortured with the fear of him being an abuser & if my bf was abusive then obviously I had become abusive & mistreated my family.

Her perspective is that I "chose" to leave home when I had zero means to support myself.

I was talking to my bf @ the time she kicked me out even tho we were not together. He made sure that I was safe & not homeless. Without him like idk if I would've been able to find shelter for the last 12 months.

I stayed with a friend of his & now I'm living with his parents. Being at his parents house has made me feel so stressed. From trying to avoid any sort of deep connection or long conversations with his family to feeling trapped in his old room because leaving would mean interacting with his family.

All my shit is entangled with his shit and I am Soo fucking tired. He has put so much work & effort in making our relationship steady and stable. He is fr carrying our relationship. He's learned to push his own baggage & feelings aside so that we can communicate in the healthiest way possible.

I can see how far my communication has gotten & the clarity I've gained in order to communicate with him on the same level he communicates with me. However, the truth of the situation is I haven't been able to give him the same amount of care & support that he has given me.

I find myself lost in my own painful experience. Most of our conversations consist of him being understanding & helping me heal.

He rarely gets to confide in me for his own experience & pain. He clearly states his disconnection with me so that I can understand what he experiences in our relationship, but my experience still overshadows his.

It's gotten to the point where even when I apologize & try to communicate that I see him & I will work to change & improve my shortcomings, he no longer feels or expects for anything to change.

This is where we are in our relationship almost 3 years in.

This feels fucking awful. The hurt & pain I feel from knowing this truth & failing to consistently change this dynamic is ASTRONOMICAL.

He reassures me that he is aware of my mental state & of the trauma I am working through. I thoroughly understand that he is NOT the kind of person to participate in something he doesn't want to either.

But his perspective of our relationship & my perspective of our relationship is vastly different.

He sees our relationship as something that has been restorative & helpful in his understanding of himself. He is invested in building a life with me because he feels my perspective is insightful. He's even expressed to me that I am the only person who sees him for all of who he is & it means so much to him that I've been able to see & love all parts of him.

I see our relationship as something that has clearly shown me what I need to heal & that it's possible to be respected & cared for by someone unconditionally. [which I didn't believe existed] I have also gathered being so open & vulnerable at this stage in my life is difficult as fuuuuuckkkk.

I try to be & I want to be! He has shown me the gift of healing & connecting with another person on such a deep level, but the process of doing that has been hellish for me. When I think of how this relationship has impacted me, it's been incredibly painful, and EXHAUSTING.

It feels like the timing of our relationship was the most poignant & karmic time of my life. I've learned so much about myself in this relationship. It's also been the most difficult thing I have ever done.

At this current moment I feel burnt out & overwhelmed with worry & anger.

Whenever my bf & I successfully connect with each other, it feels so deeply rewarding & bonding to me. It gives me confidence & motivation that I truly do have the ability to make space for him & provide emotional support.

Sadly, that bonding and safety lasted such a short period of time in our relationship. Probably somewhere around 3-4 months.

All I know is that I am desperately needing to create connection with myself & learn to sooth myself so that I can release some of the stress & hypervigelence that plagues my brain & nervous system.

The longer it takes to reciprocate consideration for his emotional experience, the more I lose hope in being able to repair that part of our relationship.

On a more positive note I have finally gotten back into therapy. This makes me hopeful that I can work through more things without my bf. I want our time together to be as loving & comforting as possible. Therapy gives me a space to indulge in my feelings & experience with someone outside of me & outside of my close personal relationships.

I wanna learn to take care of myself & pour into other people healthily. It's something so precious & valuable.

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codedhell · 10 months

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7 July

One day, next year, maybe, I'm going to take a vow of silence for a week and just totally disconnect. Idk, I'm feeling pretty good today, despite my lack of sleep. Maybe it is true that exercise makes you feel better. 🤔 Hate when they're right.

The Introduction by Guy Northrop was good and interesting. Him feeling different and alone in his big family is a common feeling a lot of people can relate too, especially those who go through a different path then that of their parents. For him it was being an artist to farmer whose father was a farmer ad well. I understand why art books don't print all the works in color but I wish they were. Especially since his colors are a big part of what draws you into his painted memories. His work his interesting though. Definitely worth a read and to look into his work.

Read Hostile Butterflies, and I like Carroll Cloar's artwork, but his grandfather was a questionable man who is in hell. My rewiew on Goodreads:

Side note...This has nothing to do with his work; I just found this lil tidbit, not sure funny is the right word but funny.

Within the first paragraph of the preface explaining how his grandfather came to be in Arkansas, he describes how Thomas Jefferson Cloar got "into a situation with the daughter of a J.P. in Union City, Tennessee.That is to say, he had mistaken her minimal resistance for acquiescence and, rather unpremeditatedly, he had found himself in a statutory predicament."... Sir, please, I had no words; it stopped me dead in my tracks. What a way to put it. Then goes on about how the "young lady" demanded to be married, but he refused, "claiming that there had been no apparent issue from this encounter and, moreover, she had not been very satisfactory." Like, what a way to start a little bio introduction.

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in-amor-veritas · 1 year

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🥳🦈

🥳 so I’ve been writing a long time (original stories) but I was in a very severe slump where I didn’t write for years and I thought I’d forgotten how because I felt so disconnected to my wips. Then I watched a show that I hated the ending of so much that I wrote a fic to “fix” the ending but it took me over a year to finish ha and then idk what happened YR took over my brain and gave me SO much creative energy and for that I’ll always be grateful to YR for 💜

🦈 Tbh I find Wille the hardest to write, that’s why most of my stuff is Simon POV. His POV just comes so much easier to me. I have written Wille POV and hes probably the character I most relate to but maybe that’s why he’s harder to write aha. I cant tell you why 🤷‍♀️

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cognitosclowns · 2 years

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THE POST ABT THE GANGS LAUGHS KS IMMACULATE here's a couple other prompts. the gangs hugs, handshakes, or sleeping habits just bc I love your characterization!!!

HHHHHHHHHHHH THE TEMPTATION TO DO ALL OF THE ABOVE AND WRITE AN ESSAY IS,, SO FUCKING TEMPTING ANON YOU HAVE NO IDEAAAAA.

YOU'RE GETTIN HUGS <3333 EEE ALL SFW, JUST SOME CUTENESS.

Tw : brief weight mention!

THESE ARE GONNA BE GOODBYE HUGS. A BIT ROMANTIC I GUESS,,, DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING SPECIFIC IN MIND BUT RRR <33

REAGAN

WE SEE IN THE,,, BRETTFAST CLUB EPISODE THAT!! SHE'S OK WITH HUGS FOR PPL SHE'S VV CLOSE TOOOO!!

So if you're her close friend or s/o? YOU,,, MIGHT GET AN ACTUAL HUG? Not just a little Pat Pat? LIKE ARMS FULLY AROUND YOU? Quite Shocking Quite Surprising

She tends to wrap around and grab the shoulders!! It's One Firm Motion that slowly disconnects, like a hydraulic press?

'don't die, I'm too tired to plan a funeral' SHE CARES SHE CARES she really wants you to get home safe <333

SHE MIGHT MESS WITH THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS TO GIVE YOU AN EASY RIDE HOME <333 NOT HUG RELATED BUT,, VERY REAGAN.

BRETT

HE LIFTS YOUUUUU STRAIGHT UP. He makes a big 'H-yup!'

HE HUMS ALL THROUGH THE HUG <33 he smells So Strongly Of Axe Body Spray but,, its ok bc he's grinning like an idiot. So happy. Hugs rock.

He'll like,, bounce his knees?? Like going up and down?? MNSDMS ITS HARD TO DESCRIBE.

HE ALSO DEFINITELY LAUGHS. just a happy little giggle <3 he loves hugs, idk what you expected. Might nuzzle his nose into your shoulder!

HE MIGHT MAKE HIS 3: when you two gotta pull away. GIVE HIM ANOTHER HUG, HE'LL LIGHT RIGHT BACK UP

'one of us has gotta let go, or you'll never get home ! :)'

BIG WAVE WHEN YOU LEAVE!!

GIGI

OH,, just,, the happiest hugs. She hugs like she's got Pure Joy flowing through her. Saying goodbye is never a sad affair with Gigi Thompson!

SHE'LL PROBABLY MAKE SOME JOKE ABOUT YOUR HEIGHTS.

'If people keep getting taller im gonna need new legs.'

'if you wanna stick around i could just shove you in my purse <3'

JUST,, LITTLE THINGS <3. SHE LIKES SEEING YOU SMILE.

ARMS RIGHT AROUND THE WAIST <3 synched in like a belt!

SHE DOES THAT THING WHERE, SHE SHIFTS FROM ONE FOOT TO THE OTHER!!

SHE DOES LA BISE <3 she picked it up from living in France for a few years for a Big PR Campaign she working on, and it stuck!! A kiss on the cheek before you're off <3

ANDRE

SURPRISE ATTACK! YOU'VE BEEN TACKLED! NO ESCAPE!!

he'll tackle you onto the nearest couch and just lay there with you

'sorry i can't let go ://// tragic guess you've gotta take me home with you now <3'

SNBDSNDB HE'LL LET GO EVENTUALLY. until then it's a buncha jokes

'Nice weather huh?' while his face is Accidentally Buried In Your Chest, etc. HE ONLY LETS GO WHEN HE MAKES YOU SMILE <33

If He's Not Out For Blood lmao, HE THROWS HIS ARMS AROUND YOUR SHOULDERS. he's pretty lanky so it gives him a leg up for Yanking ppl in!!! Big, tight Squeeze before letting go.

MYC

'GOTCHA!' TENTACLES ALL TENTACLES WRAPPED AROUND YOU. Feels like you're being JUICED with how tight his hugs are.

he might do some,, like,, tricks? Like turn you upside down or smth and be like 'watch outttt,, might drop you ;) its okay if you hit your head you don't have a lotta brain cells left to lose'

(DW,, he'd never drop you. His tentacles are surprisingly strong, he's just a dick <3)

'ok ok ok ok..' while he brushes you off after, fixes your hair a bit. Might make some comment about how you shouldn't take a specific road bc it's gonna be clogged, etc, etc.

He Does Care, Hes Just A Brat.

'hate to see ya leave, but i love to see ya walk away' IS SUCH A LINE HE'D SAY. I HATE IT. HE'D ABSOLUTELY SAY SOME SHIT LIKE THAT. <3 INSUFFERABLE.

GLENN

BEAR HUG BEAR HUG BEAR HUG.

God,,, you could just melt. The warmest, softest thing in the WORLD. He might even pick you up and swing you around, if he's feeling particularly fuzzy <3

YOU DON'T WANNA LET GO EVER EVER EVER. SOFT SOFT SOFT WARM WARM WARM.

THIS,, REALLY LOVING, HUMMING LAUGH?? it cracks him up that most ppl are tinier than him?? Look up and it's all teeth <3

HAIR RUFFLES NO MATTER WHAT <3

doesn't matter your weight, he's gonna mention you need to put some meat on those bones!! It was too easy to pick you up!!

'Be safe soldier' grgkrkg <3 lots of shit like that. Just,, half-teasing army slang n stuff?? YEA THAT'S HIS JAM <3 Maybe a little,, Two Finger Salute and a wink when you exit out the door.

ALPHA-BETA

He,,, might not be that good at hugs-

HE DOESN'T DO THEM OFTEN OKAY? When he says goodbye he much prefers,, A Dainty Kiss on the Cheek, A Handshake. hugs are not his first instinct smdnsd.

When he first wraps his arms around you,, it's kinda tense?? He doesn't Squeeze first - he wants to see how hard YOU squeeze, and work around that.

It's still gonna be a Little Too Strong, sorry. Kinda knocks the wind outta you.

HE,,, is actually soft and warm?? You definitely wouldn't expect it bc he's 99% metal but above that metal is SILICONE. HE'S ALSO A COMPUTER SO,, he has the same Dull Warmth of pressing your hand to the side of a computer.

Fussing With Your Clothes When you Two Pull Away IS A Love Language. He'll passively adjust your shirt n sleeves with,, the Barest Of Smirks.

feels like,, hugging a bushel of twigs. He's extremely lanky smnds. Very little softness except a bit at his stomach

he just,, automatically Sighs happily <3 even if you two are saying goodbye, it's so nice to get a hug once in a while.

he either rests his head on your shoulder, or head. Either way you're getting some nuzzles.

It's like all the energy in his body Drains when he gets hugged. his brain is usually moving a mile a minute, and hugs kinda reset that? Doesn't matter how he was before, The Hug sends him down to Baseline. His shoulders slowwwllllly droop, His muscle lax, <3

'got everything? Keys, wallet, phone - I could spot you a cab...' THIS IS HIS WAY OF SHOWING HE CARES <333

Even after you two pull away, you're getting some Tight Arm Rubs while he takes you in <3 He'll always tell you too Be Safe <3

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phoenixyfriend · 3 years

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Mangekyo Mikoto

Okay, so, concept time:

Due to a coincidence of scheduling and also just Being Pushy About It, Mikoto ends up on Kushina's protection detail during the Kyuubi Attack

Is heavily injured but not fatally so (I'm thinking spinal damage?), and is unable to save Kushina, blames herself, develops Mangekyo as a result.

Due to her heavy injuries in defense of Kushina and Minato, and her development of Mangekyo in response to Kushina's death, people are a little hard-pressed to argue that she or the Uchiha as a clan were responsible for the attack. The Clan Head’s Wife (and I’m in camp ‘Fugaku married into the position, Mikoto was the actual heir and they passed over the role because Fugaku liked paperwork more) nearly died, okay, if an Uchiha was responsible, then it was a rogue.

Ergo: Mikoto gets custody of Naruto, as godmother who is not currently under suspicion of, you know, causing the whole bullshit in the first place.

Having Mangekyo also means she has some argument in place that if the Kyuubi does break free again, she now has the means to stop it from causing widespread damage. (This isn’t common knowledge, but she does leverage it against Hiruzen and the council.)

Mostly this spirals over into: 1. Mikoto has the most powerful eyes in the clan but is also no longer capable of going on missions due to a debilitating spinal injury that has her using a wheelchair most times. 2. Mikoto raising Naruto; Sasuke and Itachi both being VERY protective of their 'little brother' 3. Mikoto having flashbacks to that one 'pretty sure I'm bi, let's find out' affair she had with Kushina before Minato and Fugaku dug up the courage to ask their respective crushes out.

I'm wishy-washy on whether or not the jinchuuriki thing becomes common knowledge because I feel like Mikoto would hate the idea of that info leaking, but I also imagine that she'd be in the hospital for at least a week or two after the incident, and unable to stop whoever shared the info

Consider Itachi being hella protective of Baby Brothers and, also, the utter hellion that Naruto becomes whenever someone (Fugaku) makes the mistake of asking Shisui to watch the kids for an afternoon

"Why doesn't Naruto have our clan name?" "Because I was very close with his mother, and I want to honor her by letting Naruto keep the name of his family by blood. His mother can't be here to raise him, but he can at least have her name."

I have this really solid image in my head of Mikoto in her wheelchair, infant/toddler Naruto standing on her lap to play with her hair as she holds his arms so he doesn't fall, while slightly-bigger-toddler Sasuke is on the floor and clinging to the wheels to stay upright and trying to tap at Naruto's legs because He Wants To Play

Also: Mikoto inviting Kakashi over to see Naruto and whenever someone tries to throw a fit over The Eye Stealer coming by, she just does Pleasant Smile With Mangekyo and then Fugaku has to Freak Out Like Hell because My Darling, Stop Doing That, Your Eyes Are Bleeding And You Will Go Blind Because You Wanted Drama.

Fugaku is an "I cannot stop my wife but I will flutter about uselessly as she damages herself for an intimidation bonus" husband.

Itachi regularly panics because he's five years old and his hands aren't big enough for two infants. It's like the "drunk person presented with puppies" video, except Itachi isn't drunk, he's five and overwhelmed by Baby.

This, except Itachi's problem is that he's like. Three feet tall. - He has to draft Shisui to help. - And then Kakashi because ANBU Hound keeps stalking his house.

I can't decide if Kakashi is more "Oh, is this how people saw me when I was that age? No wonder they all thought I was creepy as hell." or "This is Normal™️." - Probably the latter, he’s like fifteen and traumatized as heck.

This last bit I’m a little unsure of adding so if anyone feels I’m jumping into a topic I’m not qualified to talk about, even with the disclaimers, please let me know and I’ll remove it.

On the topic of transracial* adoption: it’s something that I'd be wary of writing about in too much depth because it's not my lived experience, for all that I can guess at some parts of how it would apply, but for a bulletpoint concept, I feel okay with touching on it.

Naruto is raised by Uchiha, surrounded by Uchiha, culturally an Uchiha... except he will never have Sharingan, he can't really do Katon, he's a chakra powerhouse in a way that screams Uzumaki, and he is visibly not Uchiha. I feel like that's liable to cause some identity issues and imposter syndrome about being part of the family down the line in ways that, say, being adopted by Kakashi wouldn't.

He wouldn't experience the same "Otherness" that he did in canon, but he would experience some Othering. Even with a loving direct family of Scary Murderers who want to protect him, there's only so much they can do. Especially if he starts to feel like their protecting him is just another thing that makes him Other, especially if some of the more distantly related Uchiha Do Not Want Him There.

*To clarify, I’m talking about the original meaning of the term, which is the specific elements of racism and cultural disconnect experienced by adoptees in families of a race that differs from their own, most commonly children of color adopted by white families.

(I believe it’s the most similar term to what 'feeling othered, even unintentionally, by way of being phenotypically distinct from the family and community one has been adopted by' would be in this situation... especially since Kushina was an immigrant? IDK.)

(Obviously, there are a lot of reasons why I wouldn’t want to write about this in too much depth, because applying real-world racial dynamics and situations to a fantasy universe of Naruto’s type is questionable practice. However, this term is still the one that matches up most to what I’m thinking about, so I wanted to give a nod in that direction to address that there are similar experiences in the world that I can’t hope to directly understand.)

#Uchiha Mikoto #Uzumaki Naruto #Uchiha Itachi #Uchiha Fugaku #Uchiha Sasuke #Uchiha Shisui #Uzumaki Kushina #Naruto #Uchiha Clan #mini fic #adoption #Phoenix Posts #Mangekyo Sharingan

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feralcherry · 3 years

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Naruto takes that might enrage you (girl addition)

Warning, some of these takes might enrage you- that’s fine.

Fillers don’t count as canon, don’t even bring them up if you talk about this post lol. Also it’s been a while since I’ve seen the whole series, so some of these might be disproven as I continue with my rewatch. The excuse that Shounen is for boys is also very weak and holds no weight, as tons of girls (and nonbinary folk) relate to the characters in this show, so that doesn’t excuse Kishimoto for his weak writing of women.

To preface, I love this show. Love it to pieces. It was part of my childhood and holds a very special place in my heart. But there are some things I personally don’t like or wish could have been done better. I love every character and will go blue in the face talking about how much I still love this show. That doesn’t free it from my criticism. I’m also only listing what I don’t like and what I would change, though I’d be more than happy making a post about what I loved.

Let’s start off with my girl Sakura Haruno. She is easily the most hated girl in the series, and all because of how ‘weak’ or ‘annoying’ she is. As if that’s not the fault of Kishimoto himself lol. She was shoved off to the side continuously and never given cool storylines, unlike the other members of her team.

What I took issue with about Sakura:

-What were this girls dreams?? The whole reason she became a ninja was never really talked about nor were they really developed as time went on. She was all about Sasuke, which would be fine if she grew out of it. But no.

-Her crush on Sasuke was super stale. He was handsome and powerful, but what else was there to him? He was a jerk to her most of the time (there are some instances he’s somewhat kind to her, but if we go off canon, it’s not enough to make her deep love make sense). I think it would have been so much more interesting to see her grow out of her infatuation for him. If they had to have ended up together, watching them relearn each other and fall in love would have made them more compelling. She stayed loving a boy who thought very little of her.

-She’s pitted against her best friend and doesn’t develop much of a relationship with other girls her age. It’s kind of sad, and I think they should have fought over something other than a boy.

-We are told repeatedly that she’s super powerful by other characters, but she’s never given time to truly shine. She got like a single battle with Sasori and she deserved more cool moments like that!

-She was a healer, which makes perfect sense. But why is it mostly girls who are the healers? It’s a bit weird, when there’s also Neji with his perfect chakra control. She only has her healing abilities and her super strength; but even then someone like Kabuto has more offensive healing based techniques than her. Like his chakra scalpel.

What I would fix:

-New dreams. Show her find a dream outside of her team and grow into it. Also give her more of a backstory. Sai has more of a backstory than she does and he’s way newer than she is.

-I would let her fuck up one of the Peins instead of Konohomaru- she’s a main character and passed over for that little brat?? She should have gotten to do more than scream out for Naruto and heal people :/

-She her intellect a bit more. She’s so smart, and yet we don’t really see it.

-She’s perfect for genjutsu, Kakashi himself said so. So why not give that to her? Or play more with ninjutsu. She has earth and water on her chart, so why not give her those abilities? Maybe even wood jutsu to even her out with her super OP teammates. Idk how, it could have happened, this is a show full of demons and god like abilities, it could have happened someway.

-She should have grown out of Sasuke and not married a man who doesn’t really appreciate her and isn’t there for her at all.

-I would totally have expanded on Inner Sakura more. Imagine if it made her mind impenetrable? Could have woven that in with her skills for genjutsu and made her unaffected by other’s illusions.

Next, let’s go with a more beloved character of the fandom. Hinata. Now personally I don’t care much for her- she could have been so cool but just like Sakura, they kind of messed her up.

What I didn’t like about Hinata:

-Her entire existence is revolves around Naruto. Naruto this, Naruto that- and yet she simply sat back and watched as his life was shit and did nothing despite her ‘love’ for him. And then fillers/movies are added to show that oh wait! she’s been there this entire time!! no lol. Build her up from the start as his love interest at the very least.

-She stayed super meek the entire time. Shy girls are okay, but I wanted to see her grow into herself more and not need as much reassurance. She’s a ninja and should stand on her own two feet more.

-She’s less skilled then Neji and I would have loved to see her outmatch him at some point, even once. Or gain abilities outside of her clan, or do something that made a name for herself outside of being the heiress of the Hyuga.

-She never fixed her clan which was one of her few spoken goals. That was a huge bummer.

-I think it would have been cool to see her mess up Pein a little more. She only stepped in because it was Naruto, which reinforces that she’s only about him. But at least let her land a hit if she’s as powerful as people say she is.

-She makes the most sense to be a housewife or a healer with the way her attitude is but in Boruto, she’s kind of rewritten to be a ‘scary’ mother which just doesn’t fit her. Plus, she tells Boruto to go and take care of his dad?? Bro, that’s your child and your husband is the hokage.

What I’d fix:

-Prove her dad wrong and show him that her compassion isn’t a weakness but a strength.

-Fix the Hyuga clan bs.

-More character growth and showing more of her life away from Naruto. Her romance with him could also have been better. I hated her always watching him but never standing up for him, it kills me.

-Neij dying for her proved their clans hierarchy bs to be right and it just doesn’t make sense for him to die for her. It showed that he was right to feel caged and that he simply existed for the benefit of the Main family.

Now with the others, there’s much less I have to say about them because they aren’t main characters or the love interests.

Ino-

-Jealous of Sakura, no dreams of her own, stupidly loves Sasuke and for what? WHAT’S SO COOL ABOUT HIM?

-I like her growth for the most part, it was cool watching her fight in the War Arc with her team.

-Why is she the medical ninja? I never got that.

-She got with Sai but they didn’t really show their development and how they fell in love with each other. It’s like she only likes him because he looks like Sasuke and called her pretty once.

Tenten-

-Should have gotten to train with Tsunade at some point, since she was the one who originally idolized her.

-We know nothing about this girl at all. She doesn’t even have a last name.

-Her weapon usage was meant to be so cool and yet she missed so often- there’s a disconnect there. Her abilities could have been built up more. Imagine if no matter what she never ever missed. That would have been cool.

-Her weapon shop isn’t doing well. Just because it’s an era of peace doesn’t mean the need for weapons is totally over, not if there are still active ninja??

Karin-

-I actually like her, she’s kind of funny and I like that she’s mean even if she can get annoying.

-Again, another healer, though she’s also sensory which is more interesting. I’d like to see her with some jutsus though. That would have been neat.

-Her love for Sasuke makes sense since he saved her and smiled at her, making her think of him as her hero. And she’s the only one he apologizes to without Naruto strong arming him into it.

Temari-

-She’s pretty solid in my opinion. Though I would have loved to see her more without her brothers.

Konan-

-Her goals in life were to support Yahiko and Nagito’s dreams. It would irritate me so much if other girls in the series were more well rounded and din’t also have some sort of dream involving a boy.

-She was underused. I would have loved to see her fight more.

Tsunade-

-Only becomes hokage to support others dreams...All of them men. And then later passes the title onto Kakashi who doesn’t even want to be Hokage either.

-No other justus used, she’s on par with Jiraya and Orochimaru and yet she’s only super strong and the best medic. She should theoretically be more well rounded than that, right? She also should be shown fighting more even if she’s a medic, she’s also s legendary sannin

-Had to be saved by 12 year old Naruto. I know it’s a show about him, but she’s meant to be a literal badass but needs a kid to save her.

Kushina-

-Wanted to become the first woman hokage and then didn’t. Her husband did. and then she became a housewife?? What?? She should have become the first woman hokage with a badass husband or had another prominent role in the village like as a council member or something.

Kurenai-

-Always lost a fight? She’s some genjutsu using badass but always lost fights.

-No real personality, she’s just chilling there. Sexy as hell though. Has a kid and that’s about it.

-What I will give her is that I’m so glad she was allowed to age. So many anime mothers always look the same as their teenage self and she looks like she can be anybody's mama.

Over all, the girls could have been handled much better. I wouldn’t find issues with any of them being housewives or all about boys if that weren’t what seems to be the standard in the anime. I just wanted more of a variety and better character development, especially for Sakura and Hinata who are the mains 😩

Now to what might REALLY piss people off- ships! I’m not trying to start some war here, this is just my opinion and you can take it or leave it.

Sakura- Naruto, since they had the most development and showed more than two seconds of caring for each other. Even Sai in Shippuden has more of a connection to Sakura than Sasuke did.

Ino-Shikamaru, if she had to end up with a guy it makes sense it’d be him since they spend more time together than her and Sai did. (inosaku for the win tho)

Hinata-Shino or Kiba, again, because they spent more time with her. Naruto and her felt very rushed and I don’t quite understand the appeal.

The one that made the most sense and became canon was Shikatem, though their son’s design was lazy :D

If I do a second part, it’ll be about the boys and the ships with them that made sense to me. For now, this is all I have. If you’ve made it this far, thank you lol

byeee

#naruto #naruto meta #naruto girls #sakura haruno #hinata hyuga #tenten #temari #tsunade #ino yamanaka #konan

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anchoviesinthenightsky · 3 years

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Okay real talk for a sec, loving the little mermaid au. Honestly anything I see of fandom Luca just…isn’t fun, they just flanderized him, he ends up not knowing anything and is empty headed. Idk I can’t explain it, but I’m just loving these Luca aus cause he actually feels like Luca.

First of all, thank you. I'm so glad you're enjoying the aus. I have so much fun talking with people about them. I feel like a lot of the credit goes to the anons, who come up with such interesting ideas, and who have so much passion and enthusiasm and joy for those ideas. And I'm so grateful that get to respond to that with my own thoughts.

In terms of the rest of what you mentioned, I have to say that I haven't actually noticed that from the blogs I follow. But I definitely think Luca definitely suffers from main character syndrome, where it's very easy to overlook his character and insert whatever you feel like into him.

To some degree, that makes him a really flexible character to put into aus, and you can do a lot of different things with him. But that also means it's easy to make him kind of bland.

And to be fair, sometimes Luca being empty headed can be really funny, right? Like, for a joke or a head cannon! Even thinking about the movie, there's that one scene where Giulia and Alberto are fighting. and Luca is just like o_o and it's really funny!

I could also see how that could get frustrating if that's all you're seeing out of Luca (that could also mean you might need to follow some new blogs to get some more variety!)

Switching gears a little bit here, to talk more about writing and writing Luca specifically --

to be honest with you, from the writer perspective, I found Luca to be incredibly difficult character to write. I know he doesn't really seem that way, but I had a lot of conversations with friends while I was working on my longfic, where we just talked about Luca as a character for hours, and I did several rewatches of the film where I just sort of focused in on him. How he reacts to things, what he tends to talk about, his body language etc. And it just took a while to get his character down to a place that I liked

And I also want to acknowledge that like.. I'm an older fandom person, who's taken professional writing workshops and who has writing published. I've spent the better part of the last ten years studying and thinking about writing craft. And Luca was hard to figure out!! I can totally see how other writers could look at Luca and feel like he's kind of bland and just want to use him as an audience projection kind of character, because that was how I felt for a good while too. I was really resistant in trying to understand Luca, because I just wanted to focus in on Alberto, who has some very obvious and interesting conflicts to play with.

That said, I really love writing Luca now. I feel like he's a fun, complex character to write. And, in the off chance that another writer/ creator sees this post and have felt a similar frustration with writing Luca--

These are some things that I try to keep in mind while writing him:

- Luca is incredibly curious. And he's willing to put himself at risk to pursue his curiosity (think about his first trips to the surface!)

- he's willing to do a lot for his friends, including risking his life and safety for them. He does it when he grabs Alberto from the net, and he also does it when he goes back for Giulia.

- related to that, I also feel like he's someone who's more willing to stand up for his friends than to stand up for himself.

- he's kind of impulsive (going to the surface, deciding to race alone)

- he's got a complicated relationship with his parents. They clearly love and care for him a lot, but sometimes go too far in trying to protect him. For Luca, he still loves them obviously. but I'm sure he deals with some trust issues, he might be slow to share important information with them, he might think about their reactions to something before he tells them, but also he enjoys spending time with them. their home is a place where he probably feels comfort/love/nostalgia for the most part. it's... complicated

- he experiences anxious thoughts. sometimes when I write him I give him an anxiety disorder (bc i have anxiety), but either way. Luca deals with thoughts that make him overly cautious and less confident. When I'm writing Luca, I'm also often thinking about what his inner monologue looks like. Where is he holding himself back? What incorrect assumptions has he made about others or himself? (In my fic one of those thoughts is "I don't deserve to prioritize my needs/ I can push aside my needs for others/ others needs are more important than my own." Even if I don't voice that thought out loud, you can see it in a lot of Luca's actions, like accepting to fake date two people at once even though both fake relationships put him in an awkward position)

- He gained confidence by the end of the movie, but that's likely something that fluctuates after the events of the movie

- He's someone caught between two worlds. That can cause of feeling of disconnect or like he doesn't truly belong anywhere.

Soooo yeah! I hope that list is a useful resource to some of you, and a decent answer to your ask. I know it was probably a longer response than you were expecting, but I have a lot of thoughts about Luca and writing and writing Luca lol. And I'm also really glad that you've been enjoying the aus! :)

#ask box #long post #i tried to keep this conversation more on the writing of Luca rather than on people who write Luca & hopefully that distinction came across #i think it's fair to talk about different depictions of a character and the pros/cons to them #and i tried to keep this pretty tight to my experiences writing Lcua #and also the last thing i want to do is make any fan creator feel bad so #i also want to say that if you /do/ write luca as sort of an audience fill in-- that's totally fine. write what who enjoy! /genuine #and you will (and likely already do) have an audience who loves it!#:)

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the-bee-graveyard · 2 years

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Ok I get this is a very weird thing that be ruminating on, especially on Christmas Eve but whatever. As a white canadian with eastern european ancestry I get kind of sad sometimes that I've been separated from my families original culture. Like I get that the reason this happen was because of white supremacy and due to white privilege my ancestors could blend in as long as they lost their accents, languages and customs and it's nothing compared to the racism that POC face. But it makes me sad how much was lost to time for my family personally, my dad and I both only know one word of Polish because his dad didn't teach him and I'm assuming my great grandfather didn't teach my grandfather but I'm not sure. My great grandfather died when I was a baby. And yeah sure I could ask my grandfather but something has always stopped me. I don't know why. My dad has memories of his grandmother making him Polish dishes but he doesnt know how to make any of them because she never taught him. (This is probably due to the sexist nature of seeing cooking as "women's work" so both my grandpa and my dad weren't taught). All of my great grandparents were dead by the time I was born and my grandparents live in Ontario and I barely see them. But they don't make any Polish dishes or follow any Polish customs that I can remember. And again I never brought it up because I guess I was kind of afraid to. I have no idea why. And yeah sure google exists, I could always just do my own research but it always feels like I'm on the outside looking in and I don't know if that feeling will ever go away. And I get so jealous when I see Polish people on this app talking about being Polish I just get so jealous and sad. Maybe it's stupid, but idk I feel...disconnected I guess? I'm third gen which isn't that bad I guess. But I'm not Polish and I'll never be Polish.

I'm not even fully comfortable calling myself Quebecois because even though my mom is Quebecois, I dont speak fluent French (because I refused to learn it like an asshole) and I wasn't born in Quebec.

Idk where this is going I guess I just thinking.

I hope your christmas eve is going well if you celebrate.

Happy Christmas if you celebrate! I’m sorry I haven’t replied, I haven’t gotten the chance.

I can’t personally relate to the Polish part of this post, I’ve been very fortunate that even though my family left Poland a few generations ago (either my grandfather or great-grandfather) we are still very close to our Polish heritage. I can send you some recipes if you ever want some.

I can relate to this as a whole, because I’m not very in touch with my Italian heritage. When my Italian ancestors went to Germany they completely shred all of their Italian-ness to blend in more, so I only found out I was Italian a few years ago.

Hope if you’re celebrating you’re having a good Christmas Eve ❤️

#the 🧚fae🧚 tag

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twisted-tales-of-all · 3 years

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Stuck in the Game

Mafia!Dad!Yunhyeong x Mom!Reader ft. Mafia!ATEEZ, Mafia!iKON, Mafia!BTS

Summary: When your daughter, Soojin, finally finds someone she likes, her father freaks out because, despite his best efforts to keep her out of that life, the boy in question is also a mafia member. A rival group finds the couple and uses the relationship as blackmail.

Anon Request: a long and specific request that started with dad!Wonwoo but was changed to Yunhyeong and we edited the specifics together so idk what to put here anymore lol

Word Count: 3.3-3.4K

Contains: mafia!AU, violence, guns, kidnapping, blackmail, reunion of old friends-turned-rivals, forced cooperation, fluff, angst

A/N: This took forever for me to get the energy to type out and format, I’m sorry, but I’m proud that I implemented all the aspects I wanted to in this.

If 17-year-old you could see yourself now, you don't know whether the reaction would be amazement or fear. At age 23, you were a performer and bartender for a high-end bar famous for its mafia visitors. You'd often listen to their meetings whenever they requested "beautiful company," and that made you a very valuable person in the business, even without you trying to be.

When the day you feared finally came, your kidnappers wanted all the information you had from other mafia groups. They were very kind to you, treating you like a valuable treasure. They called themselves iKON, and the moniker was written in numerous places in the house. Their leader, B.I., insisted you be treated like royalty, but one of the boys enjoyed the chaos of going against the leader's requests. He was a charmer, and you fell for him quickly. Gradually, the romantic encounters turned into sexual encounters, and you found out that you were pregnant with his child shortly after.

Until the day you told him of the pregnancy, you only knew him by his mafia name, Song. When you revealed your secret, however, he happily disclosed that "Yunhyeong will be a good father. Don't worry." It was his way of disconnecting his mafia status from his child. You figured this out as he moved you out of the mafia base with B.I.'s approval and bought a good home for you both to stay.

You remember the day you gave birth as if it was yesterday. You remember the joy that swept away all the pain as you held your newborn daughter. You remember all the boys visiting you at different times, and you'll never forget how proud Yunhyeong looked as he introduced his squad to his daughter.

Soojin. You remember her baby face without issue, even though it was 17 years ago. Your daughter grew up so fast - as you're told they all do.

Soojin and her father get along so well. Both of them are trouble makers, so you always see them planning chaos or laughing about something together. You and your daughter talk about deeper subjects more often than not, so seeing her being carefree and enjoying life with Yunhyeong brings so much joy to your heart.

Today, however, you catch them fighting. You don't hear the topic, only Soojin storming out after her final jab at her father, "You don't understand me at all!"

Seeing the pain on Yunhyeong's face hurts, but you decide to check in with your daughter instead, knowing that Yunhyeong can handle himself. Following Soojin, you find her on the front porch, sitting with her arms wrapped around her legs and her head buried in her knees. You sit down next to her, the wooden patio revealing your presence with a creak. You don't say anything before she immediately begins ranting about her father.

"Why doesn't he understand? Why can't he just be happy that I found someone that makes me happy?"

This is the first time your daughter has ever mentioned anything along the lines of having a crush, so you know it must be important to her, "Soojin, you've found someone?" You try approaching the situation softly, opting to learn about her partner before thinking about why her father would be upset.

"Mom, he's amazing. He's really sweet and caring. He takes me to nice parks, and we message every single day. He's pretty tall and really cute, too."

"So, what's this boy's name?"

"Hyunwoo. Jeong Hyunwoo. He's a year older than I am, and he's technically in the mafia - he was born into it just like me - but he treats me so well."

Suddenly, you understand why Yunhyeong freaked out over Soojin's boyfriend, but you don't bring it up just yet, "Jeong Hyunwoo. He sounds nice. Have you met his family?"

"Yup! We hang out with his dad a lot. He's super cool. Makes lots of jokes. His mom died when he was younger, and he's an only child, so it's just the two of them. For some reason, though, dad freaked out on me when I told him. Something about dangerous relationships and hoping I'd never have to deal with this stuff. I have no idea what he's talking about. Ugh, it's not fair. Why can't he be cool about it like Hyunwoo's dad?"

"Honey, your father just wants to protect you. He'll come around. He just knows someone he has bad blood with that has the same last name. They used to be friends but the friend was recruited into a mafia group, which meant he never even said his goodbyes to your father."

"But dad's in the mafia, so what's the big deal?"

With a sigh, you reveal some of your husband's past, "Your dad didn't choose to join. He had to join or they would've killed him for the damages he caused as a teenager. He despises the lifestyle, but there's no way to leave once you become part of it. Your father accepted the life he was forced into and did his best with what was given to him. His friend, Yunho, on the other hand, was invited and willingly chose to join. He does want you to be happy, but he's worried about your life if you date a mafia member."

"Well, what about you? Why'd he date you if that was the case? He was okay involving you?"

You laugh and shake your head. You think back on the unconventional relationship you and your now-husband had before the marriage, but decide not to explain that quite yet, "That's a very long and complicated story for another day. Just know that your situation is extremely different from mine. If you truly love Hyunwoo, don't let your father's attitude affect the relationship. When he sees you truly happy, he'll support you. Believe me."

You could tell that Soojin wasn't quite convinced, but she was always head-strong, so you also know that she will continue her relationship. So, you weren't surprised when she came to you a few days after and announced that she had a date with Hyunwoo. Watching her walk out in her cute date outfit, you can't help but feel proud of her for following her heart.

During the date, you finally confront Yunhyeong, "She'll be okay, y'know? She's the daughter of two very strong people, and we've raised her well."

"I tried so hard to keep her out of the mafia life. And a Jeong of all people could ruin all of that."

You place a hand on his back, "Yunhyeong, you can't use your past against her future. Aren't you happy Soojin finally found her first love?"

"Well, yeah, but..." He sighs, deciding not to finish his complaint.

"She'll be fine."

---

Soojin meets with Hyunwoo at the coffee shop down the street. When he sees her, the smile shows on his whole face.

"You look so beautiful." He places a kiss on her head and takes the seat across from her.

"Thanks, Hyunwoo. My mom helped choose my outfit and styled my hair for me."

Unknown to the couple basking in their puppy love, a low-ranking member of another mafia group sits at the next table and recognizes Hyunwoo's name. To confirm that he's the right person, the member listens in on their conversation.

"How's training? Is your dad being hard on you?"

"Naw, it's pretty smooth. What about you, though? How'd your parents react when you told them?"

"My mom is understanding. She fell for a member, too, after all, so she can relate. My dad, on the other hand... Ugh, he's so difficult!"

At this point, the stranger decides to alert his higher-ups of this potential Achilles' heel for the ATEEZ mafia team.

"He doesn't approve?"

"He hates that I'm becoming part of a lifestyle he tried so hard to keep me out of. My mom said it has to do with your name, too. Apparently, my dad's childhood friend ended up willingly joining the mafia without saying goodbye, and his last name was Jeong."

No longer paying attention, the stranger has been communicating with other members about following the couple around for a kidnapping so they can blackmail their rival mafia group. When the couple leaves the cafe, he follows them to a nearby park, his last-second assignment to find her house underway.

At the end of the date, Hyunwoo walks Soojin back home, finding you sitting out on the porch, reading under the warm light.

"Hey. mom! I'm back!"

As you look up from the book, you find your daughter waving at you with one hand as her other arm links with a nervous-looking boy. You stand up to greet them, and you notice Hyunwoo relax a bit when he realizes how nice you are. You have a short chat before Hyunwoo claims he should get home before his father worries.

"Thank you for walking Soojin home. Get home safely."

You and your daughter watch as he leaves, then she enthusiastically recounts the events of the date. Seeing her this happy makes you smile, as she hasn't smiled this brightly since she was a young child. When the two of you head inside, she falls asleep the moment she lays down. You meet with your husband in your shared bedroom.

"How is he?"

"He seems sweet. He was clearly nervous when he saw me, and he genuinely seems to love her and wants to keep her safe."

"That's good." His robotic response ends the conversation, so you both get into bed.

A few weeks pass before Soojin and Hyunwoo have time for another date. You offer to drive her to the arcade, but she insists on walking to enjoy the nice weather. You kiss her forehead as you tell her to be safe, then watch her until she leaves your view.

Maybe an hour later, an exhausted Hyunwoo comes banging on your front door.

Between moments to catch his breath, he pleads, "Please... tell me Soojin is here... She never came..."

Even though you answered the door, Yunhyeong hears and freaks out. "I told you, Y/N! It's too dangerous for her! She might've been kidnapped!"

You quickly bring Hyunwoo inside, looking up and down the street before closing and locking the door. Once both boys have calmed down a bit, you try calling your daughter, but you're immediately sent to the voicemail. Moments later, Hyunwoo gets a call from his father, who sounds very confused but speaks urgently without revealing details. When Hyunwoo tells him where he is, his father hangs up. Ten minutes later, Yunho pulls up with his leader in the passenger seat. You let them in quickly, only for chaos to ensue the moment Yunhyeong sees Yunho.

He abruptly stands, the chair falling behind him, "Get out of my house."

"Babe, we both want the same things right now. Put the rivalry aside." You try.

"It's him, Y/N. This is the bastard who left without so much as a goodbye."

Time feels frozen as everyone's eyes go wide. Yunho sighs, breaking the silence.

"Hello, Song. It's been a while. You may hate me for the past, but your daughter has been kidnapped. She's being held as blackmail against my group. So, unless you want her to die there, I suggest you put that hatred aside so we can save her."

"Dad?"

"I don't know what you've learned, Hyunwoo, but Song and I were best friends until I chose to join the group, which forced us to cut ties. Their group is a rival; there wasn't much choice in the matter." Yunho says it as if it was rehearsed for years, his eyes still transfixed on Yunhyeong's.

The ATEEZ leader clears his throat before moving forward with the information he has, "I'm HJ, and I received a link to this video earlier." He hits play on his tablet and talks over the soundless visual of your daughter tied down to a chair, "This was accompanied by a message demanding that we give up some of our fronts to them or she dies. I don't think they realize she's your daughter, or else they'd be blackmailing your group as well."

The four boys discuss further action while you listen, quietly analyzing the options. Hours pass without much progress being made. When you finally try to chime in about going to get her yourself, using the same tactics you used as a dancer, there's another knock on the door. The room instantly falls silent as Yunhyeong slinks toward the door, a hand on his gun. As he looks through the peephole, his body relaxes. Keeping his hand on the gun in case of ambush, he opens the door for B.I., who gives him a pitiful look before stepping inside.

"This doesn't look good, Song." The leader states as he pulls out an envelope addressed to iKON.

Opening it, Yunhyeong finds a lock of hair and a handwritten note:

iKON, we have one of your members. This member is a daughter of one of your high ranks. We suggest you follow the instructions on the back of this message if you want to see her ever again.

On the back, the instructions simply list a date, time, and place to meet, followed by their demands of a certain area under iKON's control. From the handwritten element, Yunhyeong quickly narrows down the suspects to two cocky newer groups: Bangtan or The Strays.

"Why is ATEEZ here?" B.I. asks when he reaches the others.

"Soojin is my girlfriend."

"And Hyunwoo is my son. It was easy blackmail for them."

HJ stands and holds out a hand to B.I., "Looks like we have to work together this time."

He reluctantly shakes his hand, gripping tightly, "Only this once. I don't want to lose that zone, but I can't risk Song going insane over his daughter's death either."

The debating and planning continue with more force, as the deadline doesn't give much time. Now that they can narrow down the subjects, they can plan in more depth. The two groups in question are much cockier, so they'll expect the ultimatum to be enough for cooperation. However, they're both smart enough to plan defenses in case of an ambush, and they have the numbers on their side. You're quick to point out that Bangtan's numbers don't show for power, as the top seven do everything themselves rather than relying on others, protective of everything they started together. Hyunwoo adds that The Strays don't have the same numbers as Bangtan, but that power is much more balanced, with each of the top members taking assistants by their side.

"We have to assume this is Bangtan. I don't think The Strays would be this aggressive. They'd take their sweet time with their attack. They'd probably kidnap Soojin and Hyunwoo together so that they have a larger upperhand." B.I. declares, repeating for clarity, "Bangtan do things on impulse like this. The Strays think too much."

Agreeing, you all begin fully planning the attack. Ultimately, Hyunwoo and Yunhyeong will attend the meeting, since they're the clear emotional targets in this scheme. You will infiltrate enemy lines if at all possible, with the support of the ATEEZ elite hacker, Yeosang. B.I. and HJ will join each group's top sniper, aiming at whoever joins the meeting on the opposite side, as well as keeping eye on anyone who comes into contact with you. Everyone wants this done as quickly and quietly as possible.

After two agonizingly-long days, the plans are put into action. Yeosang finds you an entrance around the side of the building, disabling its alarm long enough for you to get inside. You quickly find yourself in a group of other girls who are being given simple equipment. As you approach, the person hanging out guns asks for your member number. Without fail, iKON's intel expert spits out a number that you repeat with confidence.

"Name?"

"Kim Eunsoo." You relay the information you're given and receive a small handgun.

You follow the others, blindly acting like the rest of the pack. You don't have sight on the meeting, but you find yourself face-to-face with one of Bangtan's top members. He gives you a once-over before giving you the 'follow me' gesture with his fingers. Although you're scared, remembering rumors of him being the harshest of the members despite his sweet-sounding name.

When Suga finally leads you far enough from the others, he throws a hand around your throat and leans in close, "Do you think we're that dumb?"

He pulls your earpiece from your ear and breaks it under his foot before moving his hand to your hair, dragging you to the meeting. He cuffs your wrists behind your back before pushing you to the floor next to your daughter.

"Well, well, well. You actually did try some tricks. Good for you. Now, we have both of your girls, Song. You better give us what we want." RM, Bangtan's leader claims, a smirk plastered on his face the whole time.

He clearly sounds victorious, so you refuse to look up, hiding your proud smile since they're falling so easily into the trap everyone set. There were no disguises; you meant to get caught. As he continues his victory monologue, you fidget with the handcuffs, slipping out easily without letting them see. You press a button planted in the fake wedding ring you're wearing, alerting everyone that you've freed yourself and can continue the plan.

See, they neglected to take the loaded gun back, believing you wouldn't be able to use it anyway due to the constraints.

"RM, tell me. You think we're idiots for trying to beat you this time, right?" Hyunwoo mocks, cutting off the mafia boss mid-sentence, "You think we'd send Y/N in without a disguise and expect to get a win like that. Isn't that right, buddy?"

Right on queue, you point your gun at RM, and the snipers turn the scope lights on, revealing that the other members have targets on their chests. The leader chuckles and raises his hands.

"Oh no! They have us surrounded! Can you believe this, Jin?" Sarcasm flowing from every word, you realize he's planned for far more than you expected.

Understanding RM's plans at the same time, Hyunwoo lunges toward his girlfriend, shielding her body with his. Shots sound. Groans echo through the building as bullets pierce skin, followed quickly by shuffling feet to get the wounded out of harm's way.

When the dust settles, Yunho and B.I. quickly work to treat the wounded. As B.I. removes a bullet from your right shoulder, you tell him that you hit RM clean in the leg.

"It seemed like slow motion. I watched the bullet break his skin right before the pain hit my back."

"If you're such a good shot, we should train you properly. Dunno if your husband would approve, though."

Everyone made it back safely, so you're all exceptionally happy about how smooth it went. Only you and Hyunwoo actually got hit, and, luckily, neither shot hit anything vital. You also know Bangtan didn't suffer many injuries either, which gives you peace of mind.

Once B.I. finishes dressing the wound, you meet with Yunhyeong, who won't stop thanking Hyunwoo for jumping on top of Soojin and taking the bullet. You drag him away and have him meet with Yunho, who sits on the roof with a celebratory bottle of beer.

"Hey... Thanks for helping save our daughter." Yunhyeong nervously starts, sitting in between the two of you.

"Now, Yunho, so you want to tell Yunhyeong what you told me?"

Silence falls over the group momentarily.

"Nah, I think this speaks enough." Stubbornly, he takes another swig of his drink before laying back, "I'll help my friends, even if the companies we work for are rivals."

As silence creeps in again, you decide not to push for it anymore tonight. You already have a nice victory to sit on, so you feel no need to try for another. You lay down and let your mind drift as you stare up at the stars, knowing full well that Yunhyeong will accept Hyunwoo as family, meaning Yunho will slowly become part of the family as well.

#kpop boys #kpop scenarios #kpop boy scenarios #kpop imagines #kpop writing #kpop fanfiction #ikon scenarios #ikon imagines #ateez scenarios #ateez imagines #mafia ateez #mafia ikon #mafia bts #song yunhyeong #ikon song #ikon yunhyeong #mafia yunhyeong #mafia kpop

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ironmanstan · 2 years

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hi rohan how did u figure out u were autistic? p much all of my irl friends (who are nearly all autistic, if it's of any relevance) think i am, and i relate to all the diagnostic criteria, but i feel like i "can't" be because i don't know if i did some of the common autistic experiences (practicing facial expressions in the mirror, the feeling that everyone else got a manual on social stuff and you didn't, idk if i get meltdowns, not understanding figurative speech or idioms, etc) and i can't tell if it's because they presented differently in me or if i'm just not autistic. i know i have sensory issues, i know i stick to routines a lot (but i don't get anxious when they're interrupted? i don't like it, but i deal with it), i know my tone of voice is very flat, i know i shut down if i'm in a social situation where i don't know what i'm supposed to do (which doesn't happen often, but it has happened), i know i have intense, specific interests, but i also have adhd so they could just be hyperfixations, i know i relate to hyperlexia, though i don't enough about it to comfortably say i was hyperlexic, i know that, as previously mentioned, nearly all of my friends are autistic (and the ones that aren't are adhd) and so i definitely get along better with nd people than nt ones, i know my brother is autistic, if that's of any relevance, and i took a lot of the tests on embrace-autism and consistently scored past the thresholds, but i don't "feel autistic," i guess? there's a sense of alienation from my peers present, but i've lived in a very white area my entire life so it could just be from that, and i don't know that it's all that intense. i'm generally both easy-going and a bit oblivious, so i'm often "in my own world," plus my episodic memory is absolutely horrid, so i have no clue if i miss social cues. this is getting very long so i'm going to cut this off here, but if you have any advice, it'd be appreciated, and if you guess which one of ur mutuals this is, please give me the guise of anonymity. thank you and so sorry for the absolute monster this ask is

(Dw anon I understand you’re on anon for a reason I would never try to discover your identity <3. [and sorry if you’re one of my mutuals i haven’t responded to dms for ive just been all over the place and busy latelykjhdkfdg])

Hellooo, thank you for the ask! This is a long ask and gonna be a long answer. I also haven’t edited this a whole lot outside of rereading it a few times, and I apologize if I have some very long blocks of text in this but I did my best to break it up, so ig buckle in for that lol. I'm not gonna get too personal bc again public tumblr post but i'll do my best to help ya.

Ig ill start by saying how i figured out i was autistic? And then my opinions on autism and diagnosis criteria of it and it being diagnosed in general bc I have a Lot of thoughts on this, I used to hyperfixate on psychology for a while lmao but I am a teen and I am no expert, I just feel my thoughts on some things alongside my thoughts on my own autism might be relevant here.

Honestly i relate to what you're saying a lot anon, I didn't feel a disconnect between myself and other people for a long time, and even when I did a lot of the time it could be chalked up to racism or being surrounded by people who treated me weirdly for being mixed, or it could be chalked up to me just being a gullible kid, or living in a toxic/abusive household and not knowing how to relate to people who didn't. For years and years I thought "oh this is just how it is."

I think making friends was a real turning point for me, because those were people who acknowledged my weirdness but didn't turn me away because of it. Unsurprisingly, most of my closest friends and partners are/have been neurodivergent in some way, which I think chalks up to me being more comfortable around people who I'm understood by. And me, having autism, ig being less put off by people not conforming to social rules and being "weird" bc that's how i am, and if anything, i think it makes it easier for me to connect to others.

The biggest thing after gaining friends that pushed me into realizing I was autistic, was learning what masking is. Masking is the act of hiding your symptoms and presenting yourself as neurotypical in social situations so as to not alienate yourself and to keep up with a situation that does not accommodate you. A lot of autistic people mask without realizing it, thinking that everybody has to work harder to pick up on social cues, everybody studies social situations even in the most minor of ways, everybody mirrors the people around them to try and keep conversation flowing without issue, everyone has responses to conversations mapped out in their head, almost like a script, everybody jokes constantly because having a reaction of laughter and being seen as quirky and eccentric is better than getting told you're too quiet or you're weird, everybody feels extremely anxious in new social situations because they have no plan for this and don't have a mask prepared.

Right?

Social issues are also present in ADHD but whilst social issues in ADHD stem from a lack of ability to focus on conversation and invest in something that may or may not give the dopamine hit ADHD forces you to seek out, autism is the act of being thrown in water and being told to swim without experience. Some of us remain calm and realize we can float, even if it takes all our stamina, and some of us sink to the bottom, needing help and accommodation to pull us out. Autism is a spectrum and not having some symptoms or presenting them in different ways from other autistic people doesn't always mean you are not autistic.

I think the idea that you must feel a sense of disconnect between yourself and others socially heavily relies on having ties to others in the first place. Someone who has no close friends growing up is not going to be able to weigh this accurately. The other issue is that a lot of the time you never look at yourself and think you are socializing incorrectly because the way you socialize is going to be what you think is normal. I didn't realize my voice can be largely monotonous at times when I forget to mask until my friends pointed it out. Now I know I don't mask my voice when I'm most comfortable. I only fake having a "normal" voice due to being seen as unfeeling, cold/angry, and emotionless by people who do not enjoy my "weirdness".

Figuring out the social differences between yourself and others I think is the hardest thing to weigh. You have to look at yourself very hard and unravel layers of: questioning if you are masking, figuring out who you as a person truly are and how you truly act when you are you're most comfortable, and then questioning if how you act is how society believes most people act, or if you fall on the wayside.

I also think unconsciously, neurotypicals can notice when somebody isn't like them, which leads to a lot of autistic people being bullied or othered or seen as extremely weird whether it be for showing affection "strangely", or emoteing "strangely". For example there's often a sentiment autistic people are either not emotional enough, or overly emotional. Or both, depending on the situation (someone having a meltdown or autistic shutdown and being overly emotional vs that same person in their day-to-day not knowing how to express gratitude outside of a monotonous "thank you"). On the flipside, I think autistic people also sometimes get a sense that neurotypical people are different from us, and if we get this sense, it leads us to over-perform, trying to live up to this same status of baseline ability everybody else seemingly already knows how to get to. We as autistic people do not know how to be neurotypical though, leading some of us to be overly observant of other people's behaviors, even if we interpret them incorrectly. This over-observance alone is something I think most neurotypical people would not do, what reason do they have to study their social partners? A more concrete example of this (which's a little funny to me) is how when I was younger and didn't know how to speak to people online I once lurked in a discord server of people who I'd later become friends with, for a year straight, because it was the first real space where i could actually see other people have conversations and bond, and I could figure out how they did it so I could follow in their footsteps and do the same. This line of actions and thought is where the "born without the same manual everyone else was given" sentiment comes from, though it isn't a required experience.

Even sensory issues aren't a required experience, but a lot of us still have them. Sensory issues, stims, tics, things like dyscalculia and dyslexia, flat affects, general monotony. All comorbidities common with autism but not required. Thank you actually for bringing up hyperlexia bc that was a term I did not know prior to this lmao.

Low and high empathy, two of these common things found in autistic people, are funny. Because the way they are measured is always measured against a neurotypical sense of empathy. Like, with low empathy, it strikes me as similar to loveless aromantics being contrasted against alloromantic people. With loveless aromanticism you have that wedge between yourself and the term “love”, even though you may still care for people and even be affectionate towards them, you do not see “love” as something required or necessary because you experience attachments different to most people or you've been ostracized for feeling love but not in a romantic sense. Empathy in autistic people I feel is similar. Empathy is something I can feel in some ways, in small doses, in specific situations, but I feel a strange disconnect with it. And I think a lot of neurotypical people take this as a sign of coldness, detachment, emotional unavailability, and conveniently forget sympathy exists. Or even just do not process that not having empathy, or sympathy, isn’t a bad thing or something that makes you lack the ability to care about others and want them to be doing well (which leads to the demonization of people with ASPD/sociopathy).

It’s even funnier to me considering this, that a lot of autistic people are aromantic or asexual. I think that fact is less due to us just straight up “not understanding social situations to the point of being aro/ace” because that’s just not how that works. Instead I think it’s similar to how a lot of autistic people are also trans. Because we do not understand social norms we feel less beholden to them, and discovering our neurodivergence means being introspective already, and introspection and being okay with what you find is what’s necessary to discover you’re something most of society will misunderstand. And aro/aceness is something that is both heavily misunderstood, and not widely spoken about. Aro/aceness not only breaks down the social norm of heteronormativity, but also allonormativity.

The difference between hyperfixation and special interests are also something not widely known about, with a lot of people conflating the two. Over time I think I've come to understand the difference, but not every autistic person will agree with me and some may view it as completely different from how I see it, which is perfectly ok, we all have our own views and I'm not against hearing those alternative to my own.

To me, hyperfixations are fixations that are destined to leave eventually, and aren't necessarily part of your identity. I think the confusion usually stems from how a lot of people say spins (special interests) are something lifelong that can fade and pop back up, and are core to your identity, when hyperfixations can mirror this in a way. With hyperfixations, I think any interest you have is in some way going to stick with you forever. You are typically going to look at a show you liked as a kid and still feel some fondness or attachment to it. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it will become a core part of your identity. Hyperfixations are also something that people get for different reasons than spins I think. Hyperfixations source from the brain’s need for dopamine, and so it finds something to cling to, getting that hit of dopamine, and then dropping it for the next thing. If the hyperfixation happened to be something in line with your other interests, it makes sense to come back to it or have it crop back up over and over as a fresh hyperfixation.

With autism, I feel spins line up more with how I think autistic people are more likely to kin characters. I think a lot of autistic people struggle with recognizing their autism because even if we are introspective, a lot of the time it’s hard for us to understand what we find in ourselves, especially if we have no tangible example to relate our experiences to. I think this is why a lot of people who kin tend to be autistic, understanding the traits we see in ourselves when they are represented in a character we like makes understanding ourselves that much easier. It also I think makes some of us feel strange seeing other people kin characters we kin, because in a way it loops back around, and we end up feeling personally bonded to or related to that character, since we see ourselves so strongly in them. It’s the same with spins in a way, I feel. The distinction I make with spins is that even if they fade, they will always come back at one point or another, because they are core to my identity. JJBA, I think classifies as a spin for me, between the art style being something I heavily enjoy, comics being something I’m heavily interested in, and the characters being either relatable to me or just causing me immense pain lmao, all these things make it a very core interest of mine where, if you know me, you’ve 100% heard me talk about it at least once. Hyperfixations may leave lasting effects sure but spins I’ve always seen as something core to you, something that relate to who you are as a person and what you enjoy and often stick with you forever because of that, unless somehow you change into an entirely different person or simply grow out of the things that made it a spin for you in the first place.

Routine is also something not necessary to the autistic experience, but I think a lot of people misunderstand what routine means in an autistic context. Routine to most usually means doing things on a schedule, certain things at certain times. To someone with autism though, routine can be a plethora of things. Routine to me is when I, in the back of my head, tell myself that I will work for a few hours and then play games for a few hours so I can keep myself on track and get something done when I am low energy/do not have enough spoons. Routine to me means having rituals and orders in which I do things because I’m used to them and doing something different feels unnecessarily strange and kind of uncomfortable. It means cleaning my room and getting water every time I call somebody because it just makes me feel more comfortable and if I don’t get a chance to do this I feel strange. It means going to the same places in video games constantly because they’re familiar. It means watching the same movies over and over when i feel bored because familiarity, routine, is what I know and what is comfortable. It means getting stressed when I don’t talk to the people I regularly talk to for too long, it means getting stressed when new people or people I don’t usually talk to start messaging me. It means feeling stressed when my cat passes away because now my routine at night has changed, she will not sleep next to me and I do not need to make a space for her by my side (even then, unconsciously I still do sometimes). It means eating the same foods for a week straight because you need something to cling to and nothing else feels right except for this and everything else feels off or bad or just not up to par. It means listening to the same song for a week straight not even for the sensory input anymore but because you need something you know so you don’t need to expect something new. It means planning out calls with friends or outings because not knowing what to expect stresses you out. It’s doing the same things in a stupid way over and over again even if something else is more efficient because doing something else means changing and change is stressful and sometimes harder than whatever you’re already doing.

Routine is something that exists because it helps ground us. Not because all autistic people particularly need to have schedules or something (though some do), but expecting something to happen helps ease us out of the pain change brings with it. It also doesn’t necessarily mean shutting down or melting down when change does happen. Personally, since I also have PTSD which also affects my mood, I’m more likely to get angry, anxious, and frantic, when change happens, whilst someone else might be mildly annoyed, and someone else could be upset to the point of tears. Autism is a spectrum.

Autism also isn't something to be gatekept. Autism has been under-diagnosed in afab people and people of color and largely only been studied in white amab people, leading most autism diagnoses to be delivered with this in mind, making it extremely hard for non-white non-amab people to be officially diagnosed. There's also a large sense of… idk what to call it… purity culture? On tumblr. Which i believe (amongst other tumblr dramas, such as slur discourse and the like) is caused by white people. What I'm talking about is the opinion that doctors know best above all and doing such things as seeking a second opinion or believing what you think, over a doctor, is some heinous crime. Meanwhile black afab people and indigenous people are often medically abused by their doctors, an act steeped in a lot of history people like to forget about. (tw in the link for anti-black racism and details about medical operations and malpractice)

All of this leads to my next point, this artificial difficulty around receiving a diagnosis, and the discrimination that you can go through for having a diagnosis, leads me to believe autism is something that isn't bad to self diagnose. I think self diagnosis often gets the stereotype of being attributed to young teens who want to be quirky, but nobody seriously keeping up with saying they have a disorder is going to fake it for years. Teens have said stupider things and done stupider things than lie about having ADHD on twitter. If autism sounds like something you genuinely have and you do not have the privilege to get diagnosed (bc i didn't even mention the costs for diagnosis) and if recognizing the issues you have and finding coping mechanisms or at least a sense of community would help you reclaim this piece of yourself and help you move forward in your life feeling like you know yourself better, than i think by all means, claim the label. Labels can change, people can be misdiagnosed even officially, it's your life, do not let anyone but yourself dictate how you should see yourself. I hope this helped ^__^ good luck <3

Also, an edit: autism and other neurodivergencies are extremely genetic. If you or a sibling is neurodivergent, chances are one of your parents or grandparents is. Therefore the chance of you also being neurodivergent in some way significantly raises. A lot of the time when a child is diagnosed with ADHD its recommended for their parents to get screened for it because of how likely it is that one of them has it, that stays true for autism, I don't know to what extent however.

#sometimes i forget i hyperfixate and know things and then i rememr #lmao #truly i do mean it when i say thank you for the ask i didnt realize i had this much to say and ive been writing this response for like #damn i started writing this 2 hours ago lmao #anyway yeah #these are my thoughts i hope they are helpful to you and anybody else who stumbles upon this #gonna make a tag now for me rambling about my hyperfixes lol #rohan rambles #long post #the gamer speaks uwu #autism #neurodivergent #self diagnosis #asks

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