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#just because something is bad right now doesnt mean things wont be good again someday

jensenackle · 4 years

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so, falling in love? the greatest thing in the world. makes u feel invencible like you could swallow the entire world raw and nobody could stop you. You'd like to think you could go on and on forever talking about love but its been so long you dont even remember anymore

getting your heart broken? well that is something. at first you feel like its the end of the world. And you know what? it kinda is. not in the "im going to die because of this" way, but instead, its like you wake up from the haze and reality hits you in the chest so damn hard it takes your breath away. it is raw and the most painful thing in the world, to think the person you trusted and loved more than anyone just betrayed your trust and stabbed you in the back. its not that they're unfaithful the thing that hurts, not entirely, but rather that they knew it would hurt you, and they did it all the same. and then lied about it. And you know damn well that once you start telling lies you can never stop and now you're like a snowball tumbling down getting bigger as the moments pass by, but its all gonna come crashing down inevitably. its losing the trust you had put in that person and now you cant even believe your etes because nothing seems true anymore. Is the sky really blue? The grass green? Or am i just blind to the truth?

trying to work things out means forgiveness and apologies and forgetting and getting over. it truly means turning the page around, period. there's no other way, you can't bend this to work like you'd like. Because that's when things get ugly. And i mean really fucking ugly and you feel like you've lost yourself because suddenly you're acting like you've never have before, like you said you never would. And its new and terrifying and so bad and ugly you're scared you're stepping into the darkest version of you and you don't even recognize yourself.

you start asking yourself questions, like what have they done to me? but also what have i allowed people to turn me into? and also why? Mostly why. And you can't wrap your head around this, because life was like a bliss and you felt divine but now you feel like someone's attached an anchor to your ankle and thrown you to the deepest ocean and youre sinking and drowning and struggling, and you know life changes fast but why did it have to change to this? did i really deserve it?

but you didn't deserve it. The betrayal and feeling like dying and the depression and that one time when you first stepped outside your house in the aftermath, after weeks of being in bed and not sleeping at all barely eating and crying yourself to sleep, and you couldn't keep the tears from falling or the sobs from coming out your mouth because you were overwhelmed. You didnt deserve it, and you werent responsable for that either. None of it was your fault, and maybe the guilt of "what if i had done anything different?" will leave your body someday.

But it was them. They're the ones that screwed you over and then claimed to love you. You can understand now, though, that they're humans because we all are and we all make mistakes. But you can't forgive, him treating you like a fool and lying and going behind your back. You've never forgotten nor forgiven. And you had to get back at him didn't you? Had to have your revenge.

But he didn't deserve it either and that eats you up but you wont do anything about it because its not your place to do so. Because you'll try to justify yourself but you were in the wrong. Tried to convince yourself you were over and done, could fall in love again, and he wasnt a rebound. Nope, not all. He was the real thing. But you know now you were lying to yourself back then. He was convenient. And willing. And you kinda liked but you know he liked you a lot so you took advantage. I know its no fair putting it in those words, its not like you were conscious about what you were doing, so far down in denial, but its what you did anyway and now you have to own up to it. Now youve hurt a lot of people and yourself too, some didnt deserve it and some did, just because you tried to cover up your feelings. How did that work out for you, baby girl?

Getting back with an ex is a big no-no, you've learnt your lesson or you're starting to, trying to, wanting to. Because the shit thats in the past should fucking stay in the past. Its there for a reason anyway, digging it up will amount to nothing eventually. And im talking about feelings and emotions and situations and friendships and lovers. The whole deal. Whats dead should say well, dead. It died right? And trying to bring it back to life will make it morph into something new. But if youre lucky, like really fucking lucky, the new thing will be good and bright and beautiful. But if youre like me? Luck has never been on our side. And now the zombie will try to please you and you'll try to please him too until you find yourself reaching for the shotgun and pointing it right to them while they're coming for you.

Because the new is gonna be so exciting at first, like you've been missing out on life all the time you've been away from them like you finally can breath. But then the spell is over and reality hits you and guess what? It's ugly, obviously. It always was but you just didnt wanna see it but now the curtain is up and the blindfold is gone and you have to go and confront yourself and tell yourself the truth.

It'll be ages till you listen though. Denial, again. I kinda feel like that's become our thing. And nasty little habit, that is. And even when you finally start to listen, you will withdraw again. Reach out for the cover again. Because the truth is ugly and painful and you dont want that. You dont want to believe your fairytale love doesnt get happy ending, probably never will. And it will come crashing down and burning, like it has in the past, like you've so desperately tried to avoid. No one wants to face that

But life is what it is whether you like it or not and avoiding the inevitable will only make things harder and thats right - uglier. But maybe if you could hold on into that last bright thing... maybe you could fix it all. But you know you can't.

Too much shit has happened now. You've got baggage now. Not that you didn't have it before from your insecurities and years of teenage depression but it wasnt like this. Never like this. Back then you didn't like your self but you trusted your convictions and rules and now that you've done all the shit you said you wouldn't, who are you now? What do you believe in anymore? Do you believe in anything? Now you second guess.

You would have jumped had he asked. Would have done anything for him, and it sounds pretty but it isn't and you've lost yourself so damn deep you're never finding that again so it would be better to rebuild from scratch, right? But now you're longing and nostalgic for who you were, and what it was and how you felt. Like walking on clouds.

But then it hits you and you feel like you can't even breath: you don't feel like that anymore. And even if you want to turn your head away from this you can't. And now you have to do something. You owe it to yourself, after all. Can't waste more of her heart and time.

And it's a slow path. Bunch of rocks in the way. It's hard to walk and you keep turning back but keep walking forward because it's the only thing to do, even if you want to go back, and you want, but you cant. Hoping that you wont. Even if it hurts. For you.

And here we are at the end of things. The end of the world. The world you built for yourself and him that no longer will be and everything will die with it, the inside jokes and knowing each other and the old memories and the new memories and everything in between. Breaking up, if it was true love, will feel like dying because parts of you will (the ones you were with him and the ones he takes with you) and will feel like the world is shattering around you because it is.

Falling out of love? Not as fun as falling in. But you learn more. Lose a lot more than just people, but you lose perspective on the beauty of life and of love. Especially love. You become bitter and cynical. You desperately want to view life bright again because now it feels as if someone dimmed the lights. And at the same time you want to embrace the new thoughts. Arent sure which one is the bad and which the good, or if there is a good or bad at all, and now you're confused and conflicted.

It takes time. I'm still trying to figure out.

#txt #personal #october 2020 #22 years old #i just kinda summed up the last three years of my life here #private diary

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dolphin-enthusiast · 4 years

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bună seara, dragă mea 🌹🌜✨ ahh i hope i wrote that correctly,, another romanian friend of mine taught me that haha, he teaches me romanian phrases in exchange for me teaching him bits of italian ☀ ah, so much to address no? well, i'll just start off by saying i wasn't expecting my friend to expose my problems like that,, i'm not mad at all, just surprised. let me first say that i am okay as of writing this. i have eaten and hydrated and have been taking naps all day, i am stable. (1/9)

"my older brother and other siblings have been taking good care of me, and two of my friends came to sneak me out of the house for a bit and bought me food. so i am fairly calm right now (2/9)

now then, about that person, it was just some texts i woke up to that caught me off guard, my friends are apparently planning to go after this person, even though i insisted on not making this a big deal, and frankly i didn't wanna worry you all either, i feel bad when i do. (3/9)

sadly i hear a lot of horrid things directed at me on a daily basis, so this is quite ordinary and there's not much i can do about it, i cope by trying to stay positive for others and be as kind/loving as i can since i usually don't have people to treat me that way, you're quite the exception, what i thought of as a stupid question blossomed into something i could never imagine, and i was shocked to see how everyone, including you, took to me quite quickly (and not in a joking way either) (4?/9)

i'm not used to it at all, so i mean it from the bottom of my heart when i say that everything you guys say and do means the world to me, i get overwhelmed with positive emotion when you all treat me so sweetly, i truly couldn't ask for anything more. that being said, i wasn't planning to open up about my mental health on this account (since i don't wanna talk about these dark subjects when trying to brighten other's days),, (5/9)

but i guess it's warranted now so hopefully you all can understand me better and not worry as much, i suffer from multiple mental illnesses, two different depressive disorders, an anxiety disorder, and body dysmorphia, some from genetics and others from trauma. i try to keep it on the down-low to not bring down anyone's moods, so i be as cheerful as i can. i'm professionally treated for it, so please don't fret. it really went downhill during the start of this pandemic and declined since (6/9)

i was absolutely miserable, and having dealt with many s*icid*l tendencies, self hatred, and lots of destructive habits, i was truly falling apart my sister introduced me to your blog sometime in january, and even though i did not have a tumblr, i still greatly enjoyed checking it everyday with her and requesting things from time to time, it's a nice escape from the world i live in, and after months of checking your blog, i decided to interact a bit more with that silly ask of mine. (7/9)

it really is a miracle that we formed such a bond, it's truly the best thing to have happened this year, i love having such a meaningful connection and getting to experience some positivity everyday i am completely serious when i say that you and the followers give me something to look forward to everyday, and you all have helped me to stay a little longer on this planet. i owe you all so much for that, so i still plan on popping up everyday to cheer you all up,, (8/9)

i could never thank you all enough, you all truly do mean the world to me 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 i can't wait to come back tomorrow with something more lighthearted, so please keep being extraordinary, because i'd hate to lose connection with any of you - from the bottom of my heart and soul, with much love, your local waifu xoxo 💘 ps: i can't wait to hopefully meet someday morgy darling, there's lots i'd love to do, so that's another reason for me to stay alive a little longer 💞 (9/9)"

Dear this is quite alot so i'll just start by saying that im flattered u greeted me in romanian😳✌️ i dont wanna pull a ghiaccio but although dragă does exist in this context it would be more like "bună seara dragA mea" but it really doesnt matter bc my wig is snatched and i was n o t expecting this ddhxhddj

Trivial matters aside, you shouldnt feel pressured into opening up on here even though some things surfaced but you did it nonetheless and im proud of u bc i myself would rather y e e t than talk abt myself and personal issues🤡🤡🤡 but aNywAyS let me start off by saying that again, you shouldnt get used to horrid things being said to u. Its fucking tragic that u get treated like this meanwhile all u do is be kind and care for others, but them treating u like that is entirely THEIR fault and u should never feel guilty for it. And keep telling others if shit happens (including us if u want) since we're all gonna do some good ol' as whooping @ the ppl that talk shit😤👋

I wont reveal much but just so you know i completely understand what you're going through and felt what you described in ur letter on a spiritual level, although i know just saying "i relate" doesnt really help. Its unfortunate and unfair ur goin thru this and yes i agree the pandemic did only worsen things (even for myself) and its really shitty🗿🗿im glad u at least had siblings that took care of u and made sure u felt better in no time doe

As always seeing u say that me and my blog cheered u up and motivated u to go on truly is smth like...w o w i never expected any of this to have such a major impact on anyone when i first made this blog as half of a joke lmao hdhxxhdj but im glad it helped u and other ppl so that means i'll just have to keep on running it😳😳😳 you really dont have to thank us for anything since we enjoy brightening up ur day and i have to ageee it IS a miracle how all of this came to be but thats exactly why its goddamn wig snatching ahsydjdkf

Also bro to say u have another reason to stay alive just to meet me....😞😞 Take care of urself bro

#im so fucking terrible with talking abt issues and emotions skshxhxhx #but i never expected anyone to say they had a reason to live bc of me and my blog so it made me🗿#fr like i cannot comprehend fjdhdx #bruh u better hang on in there cuz we finna goin to the 40th dimension together soon😳#the confessional

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tfw-no-tennis · 4 years

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hunty movie 1

sooo ruth and i watched the first hxh movie holla

me as soon as we’re done w/the yorknew arc: OH FUCKY ITS ANIME MOVIE TIME

i love anime movies. theyre so often Entertaining As Hell, and also Not Very Good. its a very fun intersection

overall this movie slots pretty easily into that category. it was a good time but nothing revolutionary. which is ok! and that makes sense bc its not canon apparently

this movie was basically the ‘killua and kurapika have Trauma(tm)’ movie lmao

we open w/killua having a trauma dream abt illumi, rehashing the stuff we saw in the hunter exam arc....we see this a few more times in the movie, and it really drives home how killua is still rlly scared of illumi and kinda just goes into a dissociative trauma state whenever illumi is around (even fake doll illumi or dream illumi, in this movie). poor kid :( :(

regrettably tho ruth and i agree that illumis outfit in this movie was pretty sexy

ok that whole beginning part where kurapikas eyes get stolen happens SO fast hvbfhdjshfsk its like ok guess thats the status quo for this movie!

jesus poor kurapika. they cant catch a fuckgin break huh

also that kid was totally the kid that was alluded to by kurapika at the end of the yorknew arc...so i guess that was included in the anime as a setup for this movie?

also apparently that stuff was based off of a short story thing the author did a while ago which is p cool

leorios terrible drawing skills is hvhbjsdfbsdfngsjkdf

also leorio is so tender w/kurapika hhhhhhh im gonna die. im gonna gay die

and gon and killua are just. tiny soulmate boyfriends ok

ah yes i see the obligatory movie original character who befriends the protag

it kinda cracks me up how hostile killua is to retz like vhbhskhdfbaj i get that its bc of Trauma and his fear of betrayal/betraying but it also reads as killua being a Jealous Gay which is kinda hilarious

ruth and i when hisoka shows up: [prolonged annoyed groaning and dismayed yelling]

hisoka literally just shows up to sow chaos and throw around information to stir shit up huh

of COURSE the villain is the former 4th spider thats like. easy choice lmao

it might just be the fansubs but i feel like there were strong implications that hisoka and 4th spider guy fucked bhjdfashfdjnakn

the most unbelievable thing abt this whole thing is that hisoka didnt kill that doll guy lmao

ohhh shit its uvo

OHHH SHIT NOBUNGA AND MACHI....its so bad but i really like the troupe members and when they show up im like !!!!!!!

machi is so cooooool

aughhhh its like....i feel bad for nobunga for having to face down uvo like this....and THEN when pakunoda shows up too :( and nobunga tells her doll ‘rest in peace now’ or something when he cuts her down....oof. but also like theyre evil murderers so im!?! conflicted?!?!

also the shadow beast guys that uvo killed showing up and then proceeding to do LITERALLY NOTHING was kinda hilarious

and damn so technically the troupe is on the same side as the main crew, what with all of them wanting to wreck omokages shit

also omokage looks like sephiroth lmaoooo

ill be honest i barely know what sephiroth looks like but ruth said this and i felt in my bones that its true

ok i gotta talk abt the kurapika backstory stuff bc OUUGHGHGHGHGH my fucking UWUS BITCH!!!!

seeing a bunch of kurta was sad....and seeing baby-er kurapika OUGH and also pairo is sooo cute and him and kurapikas friendship is so pure

kurapika is so different :( theyre like, so much more innocent and excitable....thats so damn sad bro wtf

pairo pulling some slick moves swapping that little potion thing - all while using his blindness as a cover - was so good...no wonder he and kurapika get along so well

also gotta say its even more brutal that one of the main reasons kurapika didnt get Big Murdered w/the rest of the kurta is bc pairo pulled this stunt - if he hadnt, kurapika wouldve failed the test and never would have left

also kurapika saying theyre gonna find someone who can help w/pairos eyes ;_; the similarities w/leorios backstory/motivation makes me die

and seriously im still caught up at how innocent and pure kp is oooof ough

tho still defs the kurapika we know....theyve seemingly always had a temper, what with the reaction to the dudes in the market

like, kurapika did NOT hold back...even after finding out that they were just part of the test! tho i do get it bc they insulted pairo...kurapika’s love for their friends/stalwart need to defend their friends is clearly a big thing

also the market people’s reaction to seeing kp’s red eyes is rlly interesting to me...are the kurta like, known to anybody? or are they more of a vaguely talked-about group that like, ‘probably exists’? or is it that people know abt them but not the red eyes thing? it seems like these people, if any, would know, bc this market is seemingly a day’s travel from where the kurta live....i want more kurta lore bro!!

i big love pairo helping kurapika cheat like that....such an interesting twist, and makes it obvious that theirs is a friendship of equals

anyways i loved that flashback stuff and it just drives home how absolutely fucked up and horribly sad kurapikas whole existence is, especially in this movie w/pairo’s doll being used against them

n e ways back to the non flashback stuff

i love that gon’s super nose returned for this movie omg

im just auhghghghgh gon and killua know each other so well uwu....

aaaand illumi (well, doll illumi) is back to fuck shit up for poor killua

ugh it still gets me how clearly terrified of illumi killua is...we dont really see him act like this any other time :( and the fact that doll-illumi was able to scare killua enough to get him to run away and leave gon behind (albeit briefly) was oof

gon jumping in front of killua and getting his eyes stolen instead....baby boyyyy oughhh

also can i just say thank fuck they didnt replace illumis eyes w/gons bc THAT wouldve been some serious nightmare fuel lmao

cant believe killua then ran away again and walked emo-ly on the train tracks

and THEN he saw a train coming and was like oh well :( guess ill die :/ JESUS KID

but gon w/his Big Sniff Powers comes to the rescue!!

it was so cute how gon told killua that killua didnt run and abandon him - they were working together to fight :’) gon understands killua so well

i love how the squad then squads up to fight omokage...with half of them being blind lmao

and in the half that isnt blind is leorio, who STILL doesnt know nen, and literally brings a knife to a nen fight

i totally saw the whole ‘retz is a doll and her older brother is omokage, and retz actually died a while ago’ thing coming lol but still, not bad

all omokage does is talk abt the beauty of his dolls or w/e like ENOUGH bro

kurapika fighting pairo and killua fighting illumi (AGAIN) was all so fucked up they shouldve switched opponents for less trauma oof

and poor leorio is literally no help vhhvdijfhjbashkj he just gets throw around this whole time

kurapikas fight against pairo was sad bc it was such a fucked up situation...kp did gr8 tho, i liked them saying that this isnt the real pairo, cause pairo would never say/do these things. still and extremely sucky situation to be in!

meanwhile its the gon and killua vs doll-illumi rematch...and this illumi is like, a version of illumi drawn from killuas mind/heart (or something idk, it was kinda glossed over which i understand), which means that hes extra scary and focused on telling killua how much hes just a mindless killing machine who cant have friends

but luckily we have gon here to help snap killua out of his trauma haze, which certaintly wasnt the case at the hunter exam - so it was kinda nice to see how things went w/gon around :’) they work so well together oughhhhh....and they love each other so much broo gay preteen love real

hisoka just fuckgin materializing in the house place to help sow more chaos....unbelievable

me: i bet hisoka wont want to fight doll chrollo bc its not The Same as real chrollo

ruth: no i think he will bc hes a whore

hisoka: [fights doll chrollo]

me: oh shit u right

kurapika: ok omogake its time for you to FUCKING DIE-

and then killua stops them and says that he’ll do it, be he doesnt want kurapika to kill anymore :( :( :( bro im sooo fucking sad. killua rlly b out here thinking that hes already too far gone to matter when it comes to murder, but he doesnt want his friends to end up like that, so he might as well take on that burden, because whats one more person’s death on his hands? (EVEN THO HE SAID HE DIDNT WANT TO KILL ANY MORE...but theres exceptions when it comes to saving your friend’s souls and whatnot) :( :( AUGHHH

but luckily retz comes THRU with some good ole fratricide

killua: [takes notes]

the fact that the phantom troupe just fuckgin shows up and is like oh hey its you guys. this casual enemy stuff kills me lmao i love it

then they just fuckgin LEAVE and theyre like welllll we cant rlly fight u bc of chrollo’s state so by i guess. its NOT On Sight but someday it will be! YOU TOO HISOKA DONT THINK WE FUCKIGN FORGOT ABOUT YOU.

dramatic house burning! and rip retz, saw that one comin tho

when they all went thru and said their life goals and then killua was like shit i dont have a cool definitive anime goal LMAOOOO

but THEN gon said his goals should be to stay by gon’s side UHMMM???? baby gays AUGHHHHH and killua is just like lovestruck AUGHHHH

Gays Win

then they all peace out to resume the next arc lmaoooo

and then we see flashes of other characters, like the blonde girl (who ruth and i totally thought retz was, seeing thumbnails from this movie....we were like w8 hasnt that girl not been introduced yet??? lmao)

we also see some dude w/long hair and a hat who ive never seen before but ruth went OHHH ITS SCYTHE GUY!!! so i guess hes gonna b important?? lol

and then we saw chrollo....still in the same place the squad left him vbhajfdjkahsbfkdjabhsukfdj CAN HE NOT GET DOWN FROM THERE W/OUT NEN OR AN AIRSHIP??? THATS SO FUCKING FUNNYYYYYY ARE YOU KIDDING ME

general thots:

so this was very much an Anime Movie, in that they cant like, advance to plot or develop the characters much, bc its a movie. and this one is non canon

it was enjoyable but i do feel like it was much more typical shounen then hxh usually is...like, i feel like this was made by the same people who make like, the naruto movies or w/e, and w/the same sort of approach/attitude

this isnt necessarily bad - i LIKE shounen for a reason - but it was a bit noticeable bc it wasnt quite as smart as hxh is usually, and it rehashed a lot of stuff weve already seen in this show itself

but still i think it did a good job w/what it had, and it had some good angst, and everyone was very gay which is good

the art style was SLIGHTLY wack but it wasnt as bad as i thought itd be

overall a fun time like most anime movies. didnt reinvent the wheel but i had a good time. im excited for the greed island arc, and im also disproportionately excited to watch the hxh musical bc that is a thing that exists and i MUST see it asap bc that sounds like the kind of hilarious wackiness that appeals to me specifically

so thats it...later!

#this is more of a recap than a liveblog lmao #anyways. good times #lj watches hxh #hxh

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fallingstarset · 4 years

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IMPORTANT PSA, YOU NEED TO SEE THIS

You all here? Dont scroll away please, I need to tell you something!!!...... YES, you! You reading this, this is for you!! I dont care who you are, but if you're reading this you were meant to. It was supposed to happen, this is NOT a coincidence!

You all here now?! Good! Good to see you! I called you here to make an important announcement! Please listen, you need to hear this!!

YOU. ARE. VALUABLE!!!

Did you hear me? Do i need to say it again?

YOU ARE VALUABLE! YOU ARE VALUABLE AND MEANINGFUL AND WORTHY!

You are worthy of love, you are here for a reason!! It doesnt matter what youve done or what you think youve done! Trust me, everyone makes mistakes! Even if you think those mistakes make you bad, even if you see yourself as irredeemable or bad because of something that may seem like a huge deal right now— and yes, it may be a big huge deal, but it doesnt define you, whatever it is!!

Do you have friends? Do you care for them? Well then care for yourself dammit!! However awesome you think everyone else is, I can promise you, you are just as amazing!! You are NOT, I repeat, you are NOT arrogant or self centered for wanting to !! It doesnt make you a bad person to think of yourself every once in awhile!!

If you dont feel up to going to an event you planned to go to, you dont have to! Anyone whos worth having around will understand if you dont want to go to something! It doesnt matter if youve been looking forward to it but now you just dont feel up to it, it doesn't matter how ling youve been talking about how excited you are to go, because you know you, and if you think it would be better for you to not go, then dont!!

Trust your friends! Maybe you think they wont except you for something, maybe you think that theyll be just like others youve had the displeasure of having to deal with, and i am truly sorry for that, but if they are worth having around they will accept you for who you are, flaws and all.

And you know what else? It doesn't matter what youre going through, how insignificant and stupid you may or may not think your problems are, it does not matter. What matters is how it makes you feel. Even if others think its not a big deal, even if you think its not a big deal and that you should just get over it, screw that! If it causes you to hurt, or makes you feel bad in any way shape or form, then it matters! Your problems matter! So what if they dont matter to the people around you, so what if you yourself think your problems dont matter? I think it matters.

Cutting toxic people out of your life is a good, healthy thing to do! Think about it, if you have a virus in your body, what do you do? You take it out, make it leave, because its not healthy for you! Maybe while your sick you think it would feel vetter if you did nothing about it, you push help away because right then and there it hurts. But those you get better often dont regret it. Weird example, I know, its not an exact comparison, bu still! Think about it. I know it hurts, but sometimes you have to face the facts of whether or not this person will really honestly bring whats best for you!...

Maybe you dont have that option though, to cut people out of your life. I can understand that sometimes the toxic people are your family, maybe even your parents.. and if youre someone whos going through a hard time due to toxic families and parents, I am so sorry. You probably have a long way to go before everything is okay again. But trust me, eventually it will get better! Then itll get worse! Life is a goddamn rollercoaster, and when you get to the bottom of a hill, you may feel like it'd be better to just get off the ride, but wait!! There could be a turn up ahead, and if you never make it to the turn you' never know what was up ahead!

And you may be thinking: "What if all this stuff im dealing with just gets worse?!"

But let me ask you this:

What if it gets better?

What if one day you wake up and you look back at how far youve come, and youre happy? What if one day you wake up and find that getting out of ved doesnt feel like climbing Mount Everest? What if one day you can honestly say youre happy with how your life is? Maybe youre not there yet, maybe you have so so many miles to go that the journey just seems impossible, but i promise you, it will be okay. If you keep going, if you dont give up and keep trying, someday things will get better.

So please just hang on a little longer, okay? I believe in you. From one person struggling to another, I'm giving you some of my happiness through this post. Im ddoing everything that is in my power as a living breathing human being to pass on some of the positivity I have right now. And you know what? Even if this only helps one person, even if only a singlular person out of however many people read this find happiness or some form of positivity from this post, then it was worth making.

Do not hesitate to message me personally if you need anyone to talk to(this is my main). And i dont just mean venting, i mean literally if you want someone to talk to about a show you like, about something you saw on the news, even about the goddamn weather, i dont care, go ahead and message me.

I sincerely hope you have a wonderful day ♡♡♡

#self healing #self love #self care #care about yourself #you are valid #you are valuable #you are worthy of love #psa tag #important announcement #everyone needs to see this #everyone needs to know #im talking to you

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caleanamajored · 4 years

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had a dream i met an old coworker in a store n we’d become pals over our time at work together so she gave me a hug and as we were hugging i started to remember “oh shit...wait...im supposed to be social distancing...” but as soon as the hug was over i figured it’d be too late to institute the 6ft rule because i just had my head on her shoulder so if she had it im fucked by now. ill probably be having dreams like this for years to come.

the pandemic is definitely one of those things my grandkids will ask me about in the future and maybe ill have something interesting to tell them, maybe ill just say i slipped right through it on a haze of drugs and sleeplessness, but i might go to bed that night and have a dream of being afraid of everyone near me coming close to me. hopefully that fear of others and fear of closeness only lingers in my dreams and its something im able to overcome to get back to where i was with social intimacy in the future. now is not the time to be afraid of other people, and afraid of the community, now is the time community needs to be strong together. i want to be able to embrace the people around me without anxiety. someday itll happen, but when it does, it still wont be the same as it was before. we will never go back to the same, we will only move forward into a different, safer, smarter future.

a good way to be less suicidal all the time is to just tell yourself, relentlessly, that this new future we’re heading into is going to be good. honestly, it has to be, cause its pretty fucking bad now, and there is a chance in the very near future its going to get even worse. a good chance of it. that doesnt mean we can give up on the future as a whole. there are good people, lots of them, out there all the time working for change and to make the future better for us and our children, and to think itll never get better and we’ll never progress is a disservice to them. the future will be different but that different will be better. the future will be better. it will get better. we will hug again.

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71tenseventeen · 5 years

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Take My Hand (Take My Whole Life Too)-8

Pt 1, Pt 2, Pt 3, Pt 4, Pt 5, Pt 6, Pt 7

Warnings for sexual content, male pregnancy, non-hockey Sid. Sid and Taylor’s ages have been altered to fit the story.

Perpetual credit to my betas, @queen-alia and @icosahedonist as well as the GC and @ljummen.

They meet at a quiet pizza place at Sid’s suggestion.

As soon as Sid sees Geno on the sidewalk he realizes it was a mistake. He already has people stopping him and Sid can see the stress lines around his eyes as he glances up and back to the people around him.

Sid has no idea what the protocol is but he suspects it’s better if he stays out of all of that so he tips his head toward the door of the restaurant and ducks in, grabbing them a table in the corner of the dark, quiet dining room.

It takes another ten minutes before Geno finally ducks into the restaurant looking very harried but at least he’s alone. He immediately spots and heads for Sid, carefully avoiding eye contact with the handful of other patrons. He gets stopped anyhow and politely signs autographs and poses for pictures with a family of four before he finally makes it to the table looking more than a little stressed.

“Sorry, Sid. I was hoping since it Tuesday afternoon would maybe not be such a big problem.”

“No, I’m sorry. I should have known. Next time we’ll figure something else out, okay?”

Geno nods, looking very grateful.

“So…” they both start after an awkward moment and it breaks the tension. Sid gives a quiet laugh and Geno’s face softens.

Sid thinks maybe, finally, they can relax.

Of course that’s when a waiter arrives at their table and starts his welcome spiel before stopping completely and exclaiming, “Whoa! Geno! Hey man!”

“Hello,” Geno says cordially, but Sid can see the lines forming around his eyes again.

The waiter, “Braden,” he informs them as he shakes Geno’s hand and ignores Sid completely, is grinning ear to ear and turns long enough to call in the general direction of the kitchens. “Yo, Frank! You gotta get out here! We got Geno Malkin in the house!”

Sid sees Geno slump in defeat and sits quietly as he politely signs autographs and poses for pictures with what must be every staff member there… and a couple of construction workers who hadn’t bugged him when he came in. As far as get-togethers go, this is a disaster.

Geno finally asks Braden to please give them a minute with the menu and turns to Sid with a pinched expression, talking low and fast. “Sid, okay if we get food to go? I take us somewhere private to eat and talk. Don’t think this going to work.” He says it like he’s asking permission and Sid feels terrible.

“Yeah, of course.”

That’s all it takes for Geno to motion Braden back over.

It takes another twenty five minutes before they’re actually leaving the restaurant with bags of food and a pizza, Geno having left a generous tip.

He pulls his hat down over his eyes and seems to be trying to hunch in on himself even though there was no way someone that big is going to be able to hide. Sid follows quietly and they make it to Geno’s car with only a couple of people stopping him. As soon as Geno slides into the driver’s seat, he drops his head back and lets out a deep breath.

“Really sorry, Sid.”

“It’s not your fault. I’m sorry for suggesting this place.”

“Not be sorry. Let’s just go eat. Hungry.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Geno turns to him with furrowed brows. “You ok? Need to eat and drink now?”

“No, I can wait. I feel okay.”

Geno’s face relaxes a little then and he nods. “Okay.”

He takes them to the arena. It’s the last place Sid expected to find himself but it makes sense. When they go in, no one does anything more than give him a wave. Certainly no one seems concerned that he’s toting a bunch of takeout bags and has a stranger trailing along beside him.

And that’s how Sid finds himself eating pasta and pizza in the Penguins’ team kitchen.

It’s Sid’s turn to be jumpy, glancing nervously at the door every few seconds until Geno explains, “No practice here today. Not expect anyone around or I take us to private conference room.”

Sid breathes out in relief. “Okay.”

“So—” they both start again and Geno laughs.

Maybe this won’t be as bad as Sid feared.

Geno is enthusiastic about any mention of the baby and wants to know all about Sid’s appointments with the ‘baby doctor.’ He listens to every tiny detail—from the baby’s heart rate to Sid’s blood pressure—with rapt attention and asks what seems like a hundred questions.

Sid doesn’t mind. It’s nice to have a conversation about the pregnancy that isn’t revolving around what a crisis it is.

He likes how easy it is to talk once they’re relaxed, that Geno actually takes interest in his life. He isn’t just asking questions to have something to talk about—he genuinely listens to Sid’s answers and asks more questions, seeming to want to know everything he can.

He asks about Sid’s studies at the university and Sid spends several minutes talking about the courses he plans to take and his plan to teach someday. In turn, Sid asks him about hockey and they spend a good half an hour talking about the upcoming season. Geno seems pleasantly surprised at Sid’s interest and knowledge.

From there the conversation turns back to the pregnancy and Geno asks if Sid has talked to his family in the last couple of days. “For a few minutes last night. I told them I told you about the baby.”

Geno fiddles with the edge of his cup. “They know is me?”

“No. I didn’t tell them that much.”

“What they say when you tell them I know?”

Sid shrugs. “Not much. My parents are still hoping I’ll change my mind, I guess. But my sister is happy.”

“Glad you have her, at least. Hope your parents come around.”

“What, um, what about your parents? Did you, um, tell them about…?” Sid glances down at his midsection.

“I not tell them yet, no.”

“Oh. Right.” Sid’s not sure what he expected and he works hard to push back the pang that’s threatening to bubble up inside him

“Going to tell them, Sid.”

“You don’t have to.”

Geno frowns. “Not keep something like this secret from them. Is just hard, try to figure out how to say. Worry how they respond.”

“You think they’ll, ah, be upset?”

Geno sighs and runs a hand through his hair as he leans forward to rest his elbows on the table. “Maybe. Probably.” He takes a deep breath. “Mama, Papa very close to me but they not really know about my private life. Just not sure how they react when they find out, you know.”

“Find out about the baby or…?” Sid feels like it probably doesn’t need to be said.

Geno nods. “In Russia, be with guy very bad. Not safe.”

“Yeah,” Sid swallows hard. For the first time he’s thinking about consequences beyond the scope of Pittsburgh and the NHL and he’s suddenly grateful he’s from Canada.

“Not something I need to tell them before but now…”

“Right. Now I’m pregnant and fucked that up for you.”

Geno looks up and grabs Sid’s wrist. “You not fuck anything up, Sid. Take two people make this happen. Was my choice, too and I’m not regret.”

“Well, I’ll understand if you decide not to tell anyone. I mean, I’d get it.”

“Not going to be that way. Just have to figure out best way. Maybe not be easy but I do because it’s important. Besides, better to tell now than someone here find out and they hear in press.”

Sid looks up, struck again by all the things weighing on Geno with this pregnancy.

“I guess we should probably be more careful around town, too. I mean, if it got out it would be bad.”

Geno sighs and runs a hand through his hair again. “Would be very bad. Here, maybe not as much but Russia… I probably can’t go back.”

“Oh god. You can’t—” Sid shakes his head. Somewhere in his mind he knew it but hearing it like this brings it into stark contrast. “I can’t be the person responsible for that. I won’t tell anyone, Geno. I promise.”

“Not the kind of thing to keep secret forever. Eventually, baby born and grow. Seem impossible to keep thing like this secret.”

“We’ll do it, we’ll find a way.”

Geno shakes his head. “You really want that? Not so sure I do.”

Sid’s heart sinks. “What do you mean?”

“Even if we could keep total secret, what kind of life that be for our baby? What kind of life that be for us? Maybe not ideal and maybe some hard consequences but still a baby, still going to be child for us to raise. Our baby, Sid.” To Sid’s surprise, Geno smiles and it fills him warmth.

“Only know for two days and already think about baby growing up. Want to teach him to skate and play hockey, want to take him to family skate and bring him to games.”

Sid realizes he’s smiling too. “Him?”

Geno’s grin brightens. “Have a feeling.”

“What if it’s a girl?”

“Not matter. Do all same thing. All that matter is she our baby, our family.” Geno’s smile stretches across his face. “We gonna get to love our little baby and watch him grow up. Maybe hard, little bit scary now but gonna be worth it, you know?”

And Sid suddenly has to blink back tears because in all the time he’s known about the pregnancy, he’d never felt like he could talk about his future with his baby, that he could look forward to it. It had hurt that everyone saw this as a burden, nothing but a crisis to manage. But now Geno is saying things out loud that Sid has barely felt allowed to even think privately.

“Yeah.” Sid has to swallow. “I do,” he breathes and he means it.

“Wouldn’t trade for anything now that I know, Sid. Don’t care what happen.”

“But what about the team? The NHL, Russia?”

Geno meets his gaze. “We figure it out. Not want you worry about it, okay? Just focus on take care of you and take care of baby. Most important.”

Sid sighs. “I’ll try. I, um, I have a doctor’s appointment in a couple of days.”

Geno’s face lights up and Sid’s glad he told him. “When? Maybe I find way to go?”

“Friday at three.”

Geno frowns. “Have meeting.”

“Oh. Well, I…”

“I’m sorry.”

Sid takes a deep breath and forces himself to look at Geno. “You don’t have to apologize. I know you have responsibilities. Honestly, the fact that you care at all means a lot. So, don’t worry, okay?”

Geno nods, looking a little miserable. “You call me, tell how it goes?”

“For sure.”

“Maybe we get together after?”

Sid smiles because this is just all so much more and so much better than he ever expected. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

Geno drives Sid back to where he’d parked earlier. It’s still crowded and Sid knows they can’t linger with Geno idling in a no parking zone so he pulls the envelope out of his pocket and pushes it into Geno’s hands before he gets out of the car.

“What this?”

“It’s not all of it, not even close but it’s part of what I owe you.”

Geno frowns. “Sid…”

“Not negotiable. See you Friday.” He closes the door before Geno can reply

Part 9

#Take My Hand #my fic #mpreg #rpf #sidgeno #part 8

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teddy-feathers · 5 years

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it is so gosh darn hard to be positive.

i dont mean...

i mean kind. to yourself.

especially when things are going hard

or youre messing up

or you failed something...

someone

yourself.

but thats when you need it most

youre never going to ask for help

or work to get better

or grow

if all you ever do is punish yourself or cut your self down or try and kill parts of yourself off.

lets be real

every study keeps coming back saying "HEY negative reinforcement is BAD actually and doesn't WORK on kids"

so why would it work on adults?

my aunt keeps using this phrase agaisnt me "it doesnt matter what i say or anyone says, youll just do what you want anyways"

and while its to make me feel like shit, she IS actually right

if you keep coming back to something/ struggling with something DESPITE the consequences - self imposed or otherwise- then the world is right - "the problem isnt the problem your attitude about the peoblem is the problem"

look i get it. i so get feeling bad for things and you keep making the same mistakes and its this whole spiral that NEVER seems to get better

but let me tell you it DOES

it does when you stop treating yourself like shit

it does when you treat yourself with kidness and patience and let yourself have dignity and validation and learn to accept you DESERVE that

it doesnt FIX shit not by a long shot but

its pretty hard for you to find new ways to do something if youre breaking yourself into tiny pieces everytime something goes wrong ESPECIALLY when EVERYTHING seems tongo wrong ALL of the time

its hard for things to get better when you cant make them better

making your life better starts with self improvement which

... it costs a lot i know.

time money resources you dont have doing x needs y but to get y you have to have x and-

its a MESS i know

but little things you CAN do like forgive yourself and talk nicer to yourself and basic shit like that helps so damn much get you to where you need to be to get better

i am NOT okay right now though i thought i was

things are not good and it feels like the same shit and my aunt would... say a lot of things im already in the habit of telling myself because it seems the same

but. things are better. even if theyre not where i want and need them to be just yet. even if i did this. even if i feel this.

things will continue getting better if I don't get up even if its hard or itd be easier if i was where i thoight i was or where i think i should be

there is no should be

there is yourself and maybe you dont WANT to deal with some things but you CAN... and you dont HAVE to in a lot of cases

and i think.. this is what hope is.

its not wishing for things to get better or betting on luck or chance and ive NEVER understood those who think hope is VALUE LESS when

theres no point to continuing on without hope.

everything IS terrible all of the time for me but it doesn't HAVE to be and someday it WONT be

and yeah in so many ways youre going to have to do it all om your own having nothing

and success seems impossible but

im not asking for success yet

im just asking myself to be kind to myself and help myself with my hardships, self inflicted though they may be, instead of beating myself up or giving up on myself

im asking for patience with myself and permission to fail and make mistakes and ne horrible because I don't know how to do anything else YET

I'm just asking myself to let myself learn and try and take ownership of myself along the way instead of pointing out all my flaws or trying to cut the "bad parts" out

its hard i know it is

and it seems pointless because it doesn't change anything but it does

it changed you and how you handle yourself which will change how you handle other things and

maybe that wont change anything but its got a better chance then salting the ground again.

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fatrainbowmermaidunicorn · 6 years

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Common, Regular, Ordinary (Jungkook x You x Taehyung ONESHOT)

A/N: Hello @you-need-namjesus Thankyou for your request. I am sorry to hear that. No one deserves to be feeling like you do right now and I might not know you are or know what you are going through but there's always gonna be sunshine after a storm. Im glad you find my writing to be helping you through the rough times, as so many other writers has done for me. If you ever feel the need to talk or rant, feel free to slide into my DM or ask box. I can talk to you about the seriousness of things to the silliest of topics 😊. You can even go anonymously if you prefer. I want to be here for you. And I want you to remember you are not alone. 😘

And I hope this story fits your request and please enjoy <3

MASTERLIST

Y/N pulled her mask to secure it around her face and adjust her black trench coat around her body. Its going to be a long day today, she can already feel it.

"You ready?" She smile behind the mask and nodded her head to the girl next to her, her most loyal assistant and pushed her sunglasses on.

"Lets go," the assistant ushered her out. Y/N takes a deep breath and steps out from her private plane. She secretly thanked god for the invention of private planes, or else she wont know how her tired body is ever going to able to cope. She's been basically living on air and airport to airport for the last six months with her hectic schedule thats being planned for all around the world. Looking back, its funny how just a few years back she have to save up all her money for months just for an economy ticket to Jeju and now she owns not one but two private jets and have a whole entourage walking out behind her. She walks out and lifted her head to sniff the fresh air that smells so familiar and she badly missed.

She's finally back home.

After five most tiring years of her life, shes back.

Shes finally back after she swore to herself five years ago that she wont ever step her foot in her home country ever again before she made it big.

She work night and day to achieve that dream, believing and knowing that someday she will be able to fly home again.

They start walking into the airport and she can already hear the faint screams of her fans. Barriers are already set up along the walkway from her plane to the car and security dressed in black lined up, ready to protect her if need be. Once the main arrival door opened, the screams got so loud and the crowd was overwhelming. She took in her surrounding and saw the whole airport is deck out with her fans, screaming and shouting her name, she felt bad for the other people who is unfortunate enough to fly out at this airport today. She look around and some fans are even crying, some are holding cardboard cards with her name on it and shoving flowers and gifts towards her, which her assistants happily accepted on her behalf. Her managers used to tell her that its dangerous to get close to the fans just to accept their gifts, but Y/N insisted that they do. The fans worked hard to make or buy the gifts, especially for her. The least she could do for these people who made her who she is today is to accept it with a smile and an open heart.

Afterall, without them, L/N Y/N is just another ordinary girl from a small little town.

Ordinary.

Regular. Common.

"We cant do this anymore. I...I mean, I cant do this anymore," he gather all courage and try to look into her eyes. What he sees is clear pain and sadness. "I'm sorry Y/N. I love you. But... my career doesnt allow me to be with somebody... ordinary,"

"Ordinary?" She mumbled the words. Yes, she knows she is just a normal university student who everyday life only includes attending classes and a part time job in a student's cafe. She doesnt go on tours or spend her days in studios and practice room. But... does Jungkook, the love of her life Jungkook, who was supposed to make her feel special, need to call her ordinary? Y/N looked down at her attire and self conciousness starts to overwhelm her. Jungkook looks like a God with his perfectly fitted skinny ripped jeans and white shirt, paired with a leather jacket and here she sat, in last night's overside shirt and worn out shorts. She starts to pull on her shirt, adjusting it and tucking her hair, trying to make her look more 'less' ordinary, feeling self concious about her looks.

"I... I know I'm just a normal girl, but we are in love... arent we? Does it really matter to you that I'm just someone living an ordinary life?"

"I do love you... but Y/N... its something I have to do. I need someone who is more suited for me,"

Y/N shakes her head to clear the painful memory from her mind and picked up her pace to get to the car faster. She only just landed and she already feeling extremely exhausted, wanting nothing more than to get into the hotel and rest her tired mind away as fast as she could.

/////

"You have this first week free Y/N, before the landslide of schedule comes in. What do you want to do?" Meen A smile at her. Meen A is one of her oldest assistant. She was with her when she was just a young, naive, ordinary girl, and with the years they have spend together, she quickly become her best friend rather than her assistant. "Shopping? Spa? Facial? Walking around? Or just sleeping?" she chuckles. Y/N giggle. Sleeping does sound tempting. She rarely have enough time to sleep as it is. But... she has another exciting plan to execute.

"Do you even have to ask?" They look at each other before squealing at the same time.

"Food!"

/////

They walked along the busy street hand in hand, Y/N wrapped in her masked, coat and scraf, sunglasses donning her face to conceal her identity.

"Do you really think people wont recognize you with this silly getup?" Meen A eyes her before looking at the people walking who are already whispering.

"They wont! Im not that well known! Besides, they are just looking because who wear black clothes that covers almost everything in the middle of summer," Meen A rolled her eyes.

"Are you kidding me? You are currently the world No 1 celebrity! You are the most sought after multi talented singer, composer, actress, director, entrepeneur, model, fashion icon and girl next door rolled in one!" She exclaimed. "You hang out with Taylor Swift! You walk the runway with Kendall Jenner! Tyra Banks invited you to tea and Drake to his album launch! Even Justin Bieber tried to make a move on you. I cant barely keep up with your social calendar. Everybody wants to be you or be with you! How is that not considered a No 1 celebrity?"

"Stop exaggareting! They are just my friends! I'm not all that and you know it,"

"No. You stop being so humble! You are all that and you know it" Meen A huffed in frustration, as she always does whenever they have this conversation, making Y/N smile. "I think you are the only celebrity in this world who didnt let all your fame and riches get over you head. You are really great. But I always wonder why,"

"There's a special someone that I once met and there's just something that he told me that stays in my heart. His words hit me hard and after all these years, I believe he has a point," Y/N smile softly at the memory. "And I want nothing more than to just be an ordinary girl,"

Her mind drifted back to the day he met that particular stranger. The day that mark the changing of the rest of her life for good.

/////

"Lets eat here! Its secluded and not many people around. Also, I heard they served the best food here!" Meen A pulled her hand into a restaurant and they took a table at a back corner. This restaurant was said to be popular among celebrities and is often frequented by them.

"Oh my god. Isnt that-" Meen A gasps in excitement when they make their way to the back table, making Y/N raised her head from shoving her mask and sunglass inside her bag and look at what is making her friend so happy. She looks up to find seven pair of eyes with a table filled with food, all looking at the two of them. She was confused as her eyes roamed to each and every one of them.

Who are they? Are they someone well known too?

Y/N doesnt really update herself about the celebrities and the music industry in her home country. Not because she thinks she's too good for them. No, not at all. Its because she didnt want to know about a certain someone. She doesnt want to know anything at all.

"But... my career doesnt allow me to be with somebody... ordinary,"

And that certain someone is looking straight back at her as her eyes falls on the seventh person on the table.

"-Bangtan!" Meen A squeal.

Y/N automatically starts to panic as she tries to grabs Meen A, dragging her out from there, surpising her friend who was too caught up with the shocmed of finally meeting her favorite idol.

Jungkook quickly rise from his seat the moment her eyes catches his. The eyes that is so familiar, too familiar. The eyes that he has been looking for for the past five years. Seeing how panic she is and how she started to reached out for her friend and make her exit immediately, Jungkook rushed over and grabbed her hand, the rest of his hyungs watching in confusion and amazement.

What is going on?

"Y/N! Wait. Please. Plesase I'm begging you. Wait," he pleads, but Y/N maintained her head looking at the ground, her body slightly shaking and Jungkook realized she is crying. Meen A finally snapped herself out from the shocked and held onto Jungkook's arm that's holding her hand.

"Sir... I think its best you let her go,"

"No," Jungkook shakes her head, frowning and desperate. "I cant. I wont be able to see her again. Please Y/N. Look at me. Talk to me," he turned towards Y/N and beg. Meen A sense the distress her friend is feeling and her hold on Jungkook's arm tighten.

"You have to let her go. Now. Or else I have no other choice but to call Miss Y/N's security team,"

"No. No. There is no need for that," Namjoon is immediately by their side, smiling his dimpled smile at Meen A. "Im sorry. I dont know what is going on with our maknae. But we will let her go now. Jungkook, let go of her hand," his voice is filled with dominance that Jungkook shakes a little. Its rare to see Namjoon like this. Only during times when he knew he had screwed up big times. And apparently today is one of the time.

"Now, Jungkook,"

"But hyung..."

Y/N's body shakes even more although she kept her head low and turned, not wanting to see even a strand of hair that belongs to Jungkook. Everything about him hurts her and reminds her of the heart break she felt that she had never really recovered from. Meen A began to worry. Y/N is slowly starting to go into hyperventilation.

How does she know Bangtan? She never speak of them before? And what makes her so scared of the maknae? So many questions filled Meen A mind but her hand is quicker as she dialled the other manager who is with the car. Y/N might think that she is able to walk freely, but little did she know that with her mega celebrity status, her manager and security team is always only a few step behind, hidden, whenever she goes out.

Specifically for an emergency occasion like this.

"Kookie... I think you should let go okay. We promise we will get to see her again," Taehyung stood up and try to persuade the determined maknae. He dont know who Jungkook is clinging on to but it seems that the girl is trying her very best to get away from him.

"How do you know hyung? I...I," Jungkook's eyes are already glazed with unshed tears. He cant let go. Not now, when he finally gets her back.

"I know... uh because we will contact this Miss and we will meet them again!" Namjoon quickly came out with something and look at Meen A for help, who nodded her agreement quickly.

"Here is my card. Call me and make an appointment to see Miss Y/N. But for now, please let her go," she tugged on Jungkook's hand who finally lets go. Y/N immediately ran out of the restaurant before Jungkook could say anything.

"Uh thank you. Just... call. If you need anything," Meen A ran out immediately only to find Y/N collapsed on the sidewalk not far fron the restaurant, crying her eyes out.

Oh, Y/N. What happened to you?

"What the hell was that Kook?!" Namjoon yelled at him the moment Y/N and Meen A ran out of the restaurant. "You cant just grab random people like that!"

"Yeah, especially girls who look deathly afraid of you," Yoongi added from the table.

"She's not a random girl..." Jungkook managed to meekly defend himself.

"Yes. She is definitely not random. She's L/N Y/N, the mega superstar. She could sue us and Tae would have to sell every Gucci he owns to pay for it, and that still wont be enough! What are you thinking Kookie?" Hoseok yelled out from across the table.

"Shit. That's the Y/N?" Namjoon turned to Hoseok who nodded. Just realizing with whom they just encountered. "I didnt get to see her face clearly just now,"

"She's not just Y/N to me..." Jungkook explained, head bowed down to the table. The rest of his hyungs looks at him curiously. "She's my first love,"

"What?!"

The rest of the boys starts to bombared him with questions. Demanding the maknae to explain everything that happened between him and Y/N.

During the commotion, they didnt realized that there is someone who is still repeating the recent event in his head, throughly trying to memorize the face that she tried to hide from them. Taehyung is still staring at the door where Y/N just ran out from, his mind spinning, lost in thoughts.

Why does it feel like I have known her before?

/////

"Are you okay? What happened back there?" Meen A turned her body to face her friend who is now wrapped in a blanket curled up in a ball on her bed. It took her a while to dragged Y/N from the sidewalk and coaxed her to stop crying, before the by standers who started to give them weird looks recognized who she is. Y/N was short on breath and panicking the whole time and Meen A was worried to death. She had never seen her like this. Not even before one of her biggest performace. She was always calm, happy and all smiles.

What does Jeon Jungkook have, or possibly did, that could possibly make her like this?

"Y/N? Dont you want to tell me?" She asks softly, as she slides into bed beside her, hands carressing her hair. "I have never seen you like this. Im worried. Can you please tell me what happened?" She tries again and is still met with silenced. Meen A takes a deep breath and reluctantly asks the question that she knew could trigger her best friend.

"Is it... something to do with Jeon Jungkook?

At the sound of his name Y/N turned around and hug her tight, tears wetting her tshirt as she starts to cry again. Meen A just hugged her back and wait until she calms down. Whatever happened between them must have broken her into pieces.

"He... he," she tried to spit out the words between sobs. "He... Jung...Jungkook... is my first love,"

"What?" Meen A's eyes widen. How come she didnt know about this? Y/N was in a relationship with a member of such a well known group? "What happen then Y/N? You can tell me..."

"He broke my heart Meen A," she raised her head and stare straight into her eyes. She can see the hurt and pain in Y/N's eyes so vivid and clear, it gives chills down to her spine. "He broke my heart and changed my life forever,"

People say that being a teenager in love is the best feeling in the world, and Y/N couldnt agree more. She was only 15 when she and Jungkook got together. After countless exchange of shy smiles and late night texts, Jungkook finally found his courage and ask her to be his under a starless sky.Their relationship was strong and happy, even when Jungkook was accepted as a trainee, nothing seem to change for them.

"Nothing will change. I promise. Maybe I wont be able to see you or call you as much as before, but I love you Y/N, wait for me. I will come back for you and make you proud," was the promise Jungkook made her and the promise that she strongly held on too. True to his promise, Jungkook never forgets her, he still comes home to see her whenever he could, spending sleepless nights kissing and holding each other tight.

The success came to Jungkook and his group like rapid fire the moment they debuted, and soon enough his schedule was packed to the brim. Y/N maintained her ordinary life as an ordinary teenager, getting a placed in one of the country top university give her the opportunity to move to town and be closer to Jungkook. Their relationship, although always comes second to Jungkook's career, is still filled with loved and happiness. Y/N was too drunk in love and consumed with happiness that she doesnt care that Jungkook has to hide their relationship, or the fact that he barely has time for her. She thought they would last forever. She thought his love for her would be enough to last them till eternity.

But everything change one fateful day.

She hasnt seen him for months since he was on tour, a normal occurance when you are dating a celebrity. What's not normal is Jungkook seems to call her less, replied to her text less and doesnt seem too excited to hear her voice whenever she managed to call him. She shrugged it off as exhaustion and think nothing of it. They have been together for so long, its already his fourth year after debut. There couldnt possibly be anything wrong right?

"Kookie!" She jumped on him for a kiss the moment he entered but he dodged her, making her confused for a moment before shrugging it off. Maybe he is just tired. They havent seen one another for months now and he is finally back from tour! She miss him so much. "Where's your luggage?" She looks behind him to see nothing.

"I..ah left it at the dorm," he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Why? You are not staying over tonight?"

"Listen... about that. I have to tell you something," he held her hand and lead her to the couch. They sat with their body turned to faced each other.

"What's wrong Kookie? Did something happen? Is everyone okay?" Jungkook just look at her face. The face he knows he's going to miss so much after today.

"Everyone's alright," he answered softly. "Y/N... you know how much recognition Bangtan is getting now right?" She nodded and smile. She couldnt hide how happy and proud she is for him, although nobody knows her relation with the maknae.

"And you know how our every move is being watch right?"

"Yes..." Where is Jungkook going with this?

"I dont think we can hide our relationship anymore," Y/N's eyes widen and sparkle.

"Kookie, are you saying we should go public?" She squeals. "I can finally do boyfriend things with you! I had always wanted to go to the park and watch the city from the top of the ferris wheels with you!" That was her only wish. She didnt want to ride on Jungkook's popularity. She just wants to be in love and spend time with her boyfriend like everybody else does. That is the only thing she ever wanted from him.

"Urm... no Y/N.I'm sorry but that's not what I meant..." her face fell.

"Oh. Its okay Kookie," she let out a small smile. "Then what is it?"

"Listen... urmmm," Jungkook hesitates. "It wont be a problem if any one of us is caught dating. Our fans can accept that now," Y/N kept silent and focus on listening. "Who we are dating is going to be the problem,"

Y/N starts to feel anxious and felt her hear beats faster. What is he implying?

"What are you trying to say Jungkook?"

"Ordinary?" She mumbled the words. Yes, she knows she is just a normal university student who everyday life only includes attending classes and a part time job in a student's cafe. She doesnt go on tours or spend her days in studios and practice room. But... does Jungkook, the love of her life Jungkook, who was supposed to make her feel special, need to call her ordinary? Y/N looked down at her attire and self conciousness starts to overwhelm her. Jungkook looks like a God with his perfectly fitted skinny ripped jeans and white shirt, paired with a leather jacket and here she sat, in last night's oversize shirt and worn out shorts. She starts to pull on her shirt, adjusting it and tucking her hair, trying to make her look more 'less' ordinary, feeling self concious about her looks.

"Y/N, stop. Please. That is not what I meant..." he grabbed her hand to stop her from covering herself from him. Maybe she wont believe him, but it pains him too to see her this way, hurt and on the brink of crying. But its just something he has to do.

"I... I know I'm just a normal girl, but we are in love... arent we? Does it really matter to you that I'm just someone living an ordinary life?"

"I do love you... but Y/N... its something I have to do. I need someone who is more suited for me," The moment he said it, Jungkook regret it. That is not definitely how he wanted the words to come out.

"More suited?" Her voice cracked. Years they have been together, and her status as a normal girl is apparently more important to him than their feelings. Well, maybe its just her. Maybe Jungkook has lost all feelings for her after all those years he debuted. After all, he met thousands of beautiful celebrities that is 'more suited' for him.

"Y/N..."

"No... its okay.I think you have made yourself perfectly clear. I'm too common. Too regular. Too ordinary to be with you... Jeon Jungkook, the Golden Maknae of Bangtan, the most popular band right now. Its okay Jungkook, I get it," with that she gave one small smile and walked out, trying her best not to let the tears spilled. But who is she kidding? Jungkook has owned her heart from the moment she even know what love is, and now... he has broken it in every way possible.

"What. A. Fucking. Asshole!" Meen A is fuming with anger once Y/N finished her story. "Does he thinks he is all that?! He is just a singer and a dancer! I'm going to beat his ass up when I see him, that fucking asshole!" Y/N giggled at her friend between her tears.

"Its okay Meen A. It was five years ago. Its his life... I cant force him to love me,"

"But Y/N!" Meen A whined. "Why are you so nice?!" She huffed. "So... did you become this successful because you want to prove him wrong and make him eat his words? He must be crying seeing you now!"

Y/N giggled again. Meen A never fails to fascinates her. She shakes her head.

"Actually no. Contrary to that, its actually the opposite. I didnt want to know about anything in the industry anymore. I didnt update myself about anyone well know, mostly because it reminds me that I'm just ordinary, like Jungkook puts it, and also I didnt want to see him,"

"Then, what made you become... this?" Meen A motioned to her.

"I met a stranger one day. And that was the day my life changed forever," she smile.

She was crying as she finally found a bench in the quiet park. After months of being able to avoid hearing about any news regarding Jungkook, which is very hard since he is really popular, it finally come to her knowledge that Jungkook is now dating another maknae from a popular girl group. Her classmates has forcefully showed her the article, of course, not knowing the history she had with the said man and she cant help but feel her heart clenched at the sight of Jungkook happily kissing a pretty girl.

The girl is beautiful, and Y/N bet she is multi talented too. She is perfect for him. Special, wanted and definitely not ordinary.

"What are you crying for?" A voice from behind her startled her, only then she realized that someone has already occupied the bench that is placed back to back with hers. She turned her head and saw a man with a hat and masked secured on his face. She couldnt see his face clearly, but his piercing gaze is enough to fascinates her. However, there is a clear sadness in his eyes.

"I could ask you the same thing," she whispered back.

"If I tell you my story will you tell yours? I just need someone to talk to," Y/N contemplate for a moment and finally agreed to it. He is a stranger. She will never see him again anyway.

"My fan- urgh I mean my friends expected so much from me. I'm tired of it. I'm still just a normal man. Why cant they see that?"

"But... if they believed in you, doesnt that mean you are not just an average guy to start with? There must be something about you that makes them expect so much from you,"

"I guess... but... I dont like it,"

"Isnt that a great thing?" Y/N raised her eyebrows to the masked man. "To be loved? For people to think you are special? Capable of doing things? Not just someone normal and ordinary?"

"Not for me. I dont want people to see me as someone extra ordinary. I am not. I am just being me. This is who I am. Sometimes I wish that I could just blend in with others and not stand out so much,"

"You are really funny," she chuckles. "In this world where everybody tried to be special, why do you want to be ordinary?"

"No. You are the funny one," he retorted and his sharp gaze look straight into her eyes. Y/N swear she has never seen a pair of eyes looks so beautiful. "Because in a world full of people trying to be special, what is so wrong to ordinary?"

"Wow... that's deep," Meen A exclaimed with her mouth wide open. "But still, what I dont get is how does that makes you want to be who you are now?"

"Well... after I went home that day, I started thinking and he was right. He made me feel that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being ordinary. You might think I become who I am today to prove a point, but no... I just want to send a message to everyone out there, that ordinary people can be and do anything they want too if they put their mind to it. Just because people see you as nothing special, that doesnt mean you are short on deserving anything,"

Meen A looks at her in awe. "You are really something Y/N,"

"I might be something... but I will never be enough for Jeon Jungkook," she smile sadly.

"Y/N... do you... perhaps still love him?" Y/N was silenced for a moment by the sudden question. Jeon Jungkook... Does she still loves him? Its a question that she herself is afraid to ask.

"I dont know Meen A. But all I know is that I could never hate him. He might break my heart to pieces... but he is also the one who taught me what love is..."

/////

Y/N is back.

Jungkook ran his hand across his face as he slide down on the floor. Its been a day since the incident at the restaurant and he is restless. He has been pressuring Namjoon to contact that girl who was supposed to set up an appointment with Y/N but Namjoon has been hesitating, saying he should clear his mind first. He doesnt need time to clear anything! He has been waiting to see her for five years and now she's finally home. He needs to see her now!

His last memory of her has haunt him for years and he needs to talk to her. Even for just a second.

Jungkook sat on the couchof her apartment after she left, not moving even an inch for hours as he still try to register the fact that he broke Y/N's heart. To say he fully regret what he did wont be true, since a part of him knows Y/N is really too normal to be with him. But he loves her, that much is true, and seeing her hurt is too much for him to bear. He shakes his head to get rid of the feeling and leave the apartment, turning around one last time to say goodbye to the years of memories he had with his first love.

A month passed and all sadness and regret seems to leave Jungkook's mind when he started a relationship with one of the other maknaes from a girl group. He finally got what he wanted. Being in a relationship with someone who is at the same level as him. Yurin is beautiful and talented, Jungkook loves everything about her. The only problem is that he dont feel in love with her.

The kisses are great, nights spend together are amazing but something just seems off. They talked about their music and live the same lifestyle, there is nothing wrong with their relationship at all. But... she's not Y/N.

As time passes by, Jungkook starts to miss the ordinary things that Y/N do. He misses the days when she would talk about her classes, telling him things that he didnt get to experienced as a college students. He misses her stories of working at a student's cafe and how some days she has to starve herself with only instant noodle when the funds ran low. All he ever talk about with Yurin is the new comeback, which designer to wear to the award show and which expensive restaurant they should try next. There is nothing wrong with all that, really, but its the exact same life he's living. He already know all that. He dont need someone else to talk to him about it.

Jungkook only realized too late then, that Y/N being an ordinary girl is what makes their relationship works. They were the opposite, she is e eeythung he is not, and thats why she completes him.

He shouldnt care about what the society demand from him. Y/N didnt, he shouldnt have either. But its all too late when he found out Y/N is no longer living in her apartment or studying in the same college. She's gone and he didnt know where else to find her.

Until he sees her face on an international interview while he's channel surfing on one boring afternoon. Y/N still looks like the Y/N he knows. Beautiful, sweet, her innocent laugh filled the screen. But the way she talked, dressed and interact with the interviewer, amazed him. Jungkook cant take his eyes off her and continue to watch the show until the end. He learned then that Y/N has become an international sensation, a newly debuted singer/songwriter who is also on her way in making a name in the filming and modeling industry.

Y/N has become a mix of everything he had ever wanted.

And he has been trying to find a way to see her again ever since.

"Hey Kookie," Taehyung entered the practice room and slide down on the floor besides him. "Are you okay? You dont seem so well since what happened yesterday,"

"I am not okay hyung," Jungkook turned to faced Taehyung, face etched with sadness. "Y/N... I need to see her but Namjoon hyung is not letting me," Taehyung kept quiet and nibbled on his bottom lips, thinking.

"Kookie... I know you told us she is your first love. But if you dont mind... what happened to the two of you?" Taehyung is really curious about this Y/N girl and the only person who seems to know her personally is Jungkook. "She seems... terrified of you yesterday,"

Jungkook looked hurt by Taehyung's words. He already know that. When he dreamt about seeing Y/N again, he didnt think that she would hate him that much. Its as if she is scared of him. Scared that he will hurt her again. She dont even want to look at his face yesterday. That feeling... the feeling when someone you love is afraid of you, hates you, not even want to look at you... hurts, and Jungkook dont ever want to feel anything like that anymore.

"I... I break her heart into pieces hyung," Jungkook pushed all his pride aside and finally opened up to Taehyung about everything. When he finished his story with a sob, Taehyung was speechless.

"So you are saying... you two were dating during the years we all live together?!" Taehyung exclaimed. How is it possible that none of the boys found out the maknae is dating? "How did you managed to hide a girlfriend that well?"

"Really hyung? That's what important to you right now?" Jungkook give him the stink eye and he chuckle.

"Sorry. Sorry. But you know Kookie... her face and your story sounds familiar. I wonder if I have met her before?" Jungkook shakes his head.

"Im positive you didnt. I never brought her over to meet any of you guys. Maybe you just think you know her because her face fills up every magazine and tv shows you see?" Jungkook guess. He is pretty positive none of his hyung knows Y/N before she becomes well known.

"Nah... that's not it," Taehyung shakes his head. "Nevermind. I'm sure I will figured it out later,"

Before Jungkook can say anything else, the practice room door opened and walked in Namjoon, looking straight at him.

"Kook, your dream has come true,"

"What do you mean hyung?" Jungkook is confused.

"We are having a collaboration with Y/N while she's in Korea,"

/////

"What?! No, no, no, no,no, no!" Y/N slammed the schedule on the desk and wailed her hands around. This cant be happening. A collaboration with Bangtan? Two whole months of composing, performing, photo shoots and interviews with them? With Jeon Jungkook? This cant be real! "Why am I not informed about this earlier? I wouldnt have agreed to it if I knew!"

"But Y/N... you never go through your schedules before. You always leave it up to the management!" One the managers tries to explain. Y/N was neber demanding kr a diva, she is akways essy to managed. Seeing her like this scare him a bit. Why is she so hellbent on not doing the schedule with Bangtan? "Besides, Bangtan is one of the most successful group in the country right now and they really want to work with you! Its a great opportunity to make your mark here, in your home country,"

Y/N bite her bottom lip. Of course it makes sense when they say it like that. Y/n has rejected everything that has to do with her home country before. She didnt want to come back before she's ready. But now that she's here, she didnt think they would be the first thing on her schedule.

"Is there really no way for me to cancel?" She sighed weakly.

"I'm sorry sweetheart," the manager gave her a regretful smile. "but no,"

/////

"Y/N, these are the boys. Boys, this is Y/N," the staff introduced them once Y/N arrived on the set. She pushed her sunglasses up her forehead, smile and bowed to them, introducing herself and gave them their greeting, all the while avoiding eye contact with the doe eyed boy who is shamelessly staring at her. The older members introduced themselves first, making silly jokes in between to ease the tension that they can feel rising between Y/N and the maknae, but the time for Jungkook to introduced himself finally arrived.

"Hi Y/N. I'm Jeon Jungkook, but I think you already know that," he held out a hand and his bunny smile grew wider when Y/N accept the handshake. He held her hand tight and keeps on staring at her, the smile never leaving his face, making her squirm uncomfortably. Y/N tried to shake her hand lose but Jungkook only held on tighter, as in trying to enjoy every tingling sensation he felt from their touch.

He misses her so much.

"Ehem," Jungkook was broken from his trance and look to his left to see Taehyung looking at him, then their entertwined hands. "I think you can let go now Kook. Its my turn to introduced myself,"

Jungkook huffed and reluctantly lets go, not at all trying to conceal the fact that he was holding her hand hostage on purpose. "Hi," Taehyung flashed her his signature smile. Y/N swore he has never seen a smile so beautiful and sincere given to her before.

"H...hi," Shit, why did I stutter?

Taehyung laughs at how adorable she looks. "So cute," he mumble, making Y/N who heard it blushed hard and Jungkook frowned, sending his hyung a death glare. "I'm Kim Taehyung or V. But you can call me Tae. Nice to meet you Y/N,"

"You... you too Taeyang. I mean Taehyung. I mean Tae," Seriously, what is wrong with me? "Nice to meet you," she slowly brace herself and look into his eyes. Those sharp gaze... it looks so damn familiar.

Taehyung laughs again and shakes her hand. "I have to go with the boys but I will see you in a bit ya?"

Y/N quickly nodded as Taehyung drags Jungkook with him, living her sweaty and blushing. Jungkook who witness the whole exchange happening looks back from his hyung to Y/N and start to feel anxious.

Is something going on with those two?

Days spend with Bangtan passes by in a blur. They were a fun group to be with; funny and talented. There was never a dull moment with them. The best part is always whenever she gets some time alone with Taehyung. There's just something about him that never ceased to amaze her, fascinates her. She loves hearing his deep voice, his laughs, his weird views on things and his funny thoughts. Being able to see Taehyung was always the highlight of her day with Bangtan, and there's just something so familiar about him. About the way his piercing eyes looks at her. Its as if she has seen it before somewhere, some time, long ago. However, what Y/N dreaded the most was when she and Jungkook were left alone, as if it was planned by the boys. She will try her best to get out from the situation, leaving Jungkook who tried hard to get a chance to talk to her frustrated.

She had always managed to get out from the sticky situation until today. She was in the music room during one of their long breaks this time. The boys will usually hang out with each other in their own waiting room, so feeling bored, Y/N sneaked out and found a lone piano in a what she assumed is a music room and started playing one of the song she is currently working on. She only started playing a few lines when a voice surpised her.

"That's beautiful," she turned to her right to see Jungkook already seated down beside her on the piano bench. She immediately stood up, ready to leave but Jungkook pulled her back down.

"No. Please, stay. Can you play the rest of the song for me? Can I hear it? Please?" He plead, eyes looking straight into hers, bringing back both painful and beautiful memories she had tried to forget. Y/N hesitates as she looked around, wishing nothing more than for someone to come in and save her. But no one did and Jungkook is still gripping her hand and looking at her. "Please?"

"O..okay," she nodded her agreement and sat back down, fingers poised to play her song.

I really love the role I play The songs I sing But with all the fame The things that seem so simple Suddenly, so far out of reach Wish that they could see That underneath I'm just an ordinary girl! Sometimes I'm lazy I get bored, I get scared, I feel ignored, I feel happy I get silly, I choke on my own words. I make wishes, I have dreams, And I still want to believe, Anything can happen in this world For an ordinary girl! Like you like me For an ordinary girl Like you like me

The room waa silent when she finished playing. Jungkook felt a lump in his throat as the memory of him recklessly breaks her heart came back to him.

"But... my career doesnt allow me to be with somebody... ordinary,"

"Y/N..."

Y/N stopped him and smile before he could continue, already oredicting what he would be saying. "No Jungkook. Dont say anything. You dont need to say anything. I'm over it," she stood up and bowed, hastily trying to escape but Jungkook is too fast for her and grab her arm.

"But I'm not,"

"What?"

"I'm not over it Y/N. I'm not over you..."

"Stop joking around Jungkook. Its not funny!"

Jungkook stood up and turned her to face him. "I'm not. Y/N... I swear I'm not! Please listen to me first," Jungkook pleaded. "What I did, what I said, everything was wrong. A mistake," Y/N shakes her head, denying his claim.

"No. You were happy without me Jungkook. You were happy with the girls you dated after me. All those girls who are beautiful and a somebody," Y/N blinked back her tears. No, she promised herself that she wont cry for Jeon Jungkook ever again.

"Thats what I thought I wanted Y/N. But I was wrong. I was so wrong," he gripped both of her hands, making her gasps. "I'm so sorry for what I did Y/N. I tried to look for you after you left, but I couldnt find you... and now you are here..." he cupped her chin to tilt her head to look at him. "Y/N, looking at you now, I regret everything I ever did and say to you. Please forgive me Y/N. Please... can we... can we try again?"

Y/N was shocked. She didnt think Jungkook would ever ask her to be together again. She is afterall, still just an ordinary girl... and him. Look at him, he is as perfect as he could ever be.. Then his words appeared back in her mind.

Looking at you now.

"Is this what this is? You want me back because I'm no longer the ordinary little town girl I was five years back? Because I'm successful now?!" Y/N was furious. How dare he. Jungkook was startled by her assumption. How did she even come to think of that? That is absolutely not what it is at all!

"What?! No! Y/N no! That is absolutely not what this is about. Y/N... you are everything that I want. I just realized it too late. Please Y/N. Lets try again. I'll treat you right this time,"

"No!" She shakes her hand loose from his grip. "You cant do this to me Jungkook. It took me five years to even be able to hear your name again. You broke me beyond repair. You make me judged myself to the point where I hated myself Jungkook. You dont know how broken you make me when you left. I loved you. I really really loved you... but you..."

"Y/N, please just give me another chance. Lets try this again," he begged.

"No!" Y/N start to walk out as fast as she could but what Jungkook said next stopped her in her tracks.

"I love you Y/N. I have never stop loving you," Y/N's whole body shakes as tears starts to stream down her face. She ia grateful for the fact that she is not facing him. Jeon Jungkook shouldnt see her cry. Not now. Not ever. But hearing those three words comes our from her one true love, her first love, Y/N felt her heart bursting in both pain and happiness again.

"I love you... please believe me Y/N..." he repeated softly. His voice shocked Y/N out from her tranced and she quickly continue her exit, never once looking back.

Y/N managed to bring herself to an empty park, well, of course its empty, its past midnight, after sending a quick text to Meen A to tell her to cancel the rest of her schedule and postponed it to tommorow. There is no way she is able to face Jungkook again. She close her eyes and leaned her head back, enjoying the cool breeze.

"Do you think the stars are watching we live our life like we watch a reality drama series?" Y/N was startled by the deep voice that suddenly appeared in the dark. She looks up and saw Taehyung walking towards her, smiling and sitting down besides her.

"What are you doing here Tae?"

"The question is, what are you doing here? I have always come here after schedule. This park is very near to my dorm," he pointed somewhere behind him.

"Ahh. Okay. But...what do you do here all alone? You are not a mass murderer or a rapist right?" She jokes and he laughs.

"Nothing. Just sitting in the dark and asks random questions like the one I asked you just now," he grinned.

"Really? You have to do it here? Alone? In the dark?" Y/N questioned, eyebrows arched. "Why cant you discuss it with your group mates? Isnt it better to talk to someone who could actually respond?"

Taehyung hung his head at her statement, feeling sad. "Not really. Sometimes I just want the peace and quiet to think and play with my own thoughts. Sometimes I even wonder if I made the right decision to live this kind of life," he chuckles.

"This kind of life? What do you mean?"

"This life we are living Y/N. People expect so much from us. To be flawless, remarkable in everything," he sighed. "Sometimes I wonder what its like to live an ordinary life,"

Y/N laughs. There's that word again. It seems no matter where she goes, that words haunts her like a nightmare.

"I wouldnt know what you are feeling Tae, because I have been ordinary all my life,"

Taehyung looks at her as if she doesnt make sense at all. Well, to be fair to him,she really doesnt make sense. How can a mega superstar like her, living life that people only dream of could possibly say shes been ordinary all her life? But Taehyung figured she has a reason for saying that and just lets it go.

"You are lucky then," he stood up, both hands in pockets and smile down at her. "Because Y/N, in a world full of people trying to be special, what is so wrong to be ordinary?"

Y/N's mouth drop open. Those words... they are like her secret mantra to survive the broken heart Jungkook left her with. She blinked and look at Taehyung. Those eyes staring back at her. She remembers now. The deep voice, the piercing gaze.

That stranger is Taehyung.

The man she has been searching for all these while is Kim Taehyung.

But before she could say anyhing, he is already gone.

Y/N tossed and turn the whole night. The whole conversation with Taehyung, the recent one and way back five years ago when he was just a stranger, played continuosly in her head. Its Taehyung.

Kim Taehyung.

Everything fits now. For the past month she has been getting to know him, she fell for his dorky ways and the unique things he did. She see the sadness in his face when his fans criticized his fashion choices or hairstyles, how sometimes he rather stay home and not come with them because he is tired to conceal his real self in public. She understand now why the stranger wants to be ordinary. Why Kim Taehyung wants to be ordinary.

Taehyung is beautiful, inside out. And its a shame people are more focus on the facade he puts out rather than his true self. Y/N thinks back about all the time they spend together. Taehyung will mostly ask about her life way back before she was a celebrity, asking her stories about her classes, courses, her part time job and he enjoys her stories. Every bit of it. Sometimes it seems as if he loves it more than listening to her experience touring around the world, working with all these influential people. Its... different. Most people she met in the industry are only trying to be close to her for her name, for her connections, but Taehyung felt sincere.

Taehyung loves how she is when she's just an ordinary girl.

And Y/N finally admits it now. She's in love with that extraordinary boy.

Unfortunately for her, no matter how much she wanted to she Taehyung again and proclaim her love for him the next day, they are having a one day break. So instead, she peeled her sleepless body for a morning walk towards the rows of restaurant. She needed something to clear her head.

Just her luck, she saw Taehyung sitting alone on one of the sidewalk cafe, his breakfast still full on his table, playing with his phone.

"Tae!" A wide grin stretch across her face as she walks over. How can someone look this beautiful?

"Oh, Y/N. Nice to see you here," he smile, and Y/N felt her heart beats faster.

"Are you alone?"

"I'm actually with-"

"Y/N?" Shit. The voice that calls out her name makes her heart rscing and palm swearing in fear, and she wanted nothing more than just to get out from there.

"I..I'll be going first Taehyung," she bowed quickly and make her exit, confusing Taehyung who didnt understand the situation.

"Y//N, please wait," Jungkook grab her arms and turn her around. "Please... dont run away from me,"

"Let go Jungkook,"

"Not until you give me a chance," he gritted his teeth in determination. "Y/N... I love you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was a fool, an idiot. I care about my status, my job more than I ever did about your feelings before. But all that will change now. I have changed now. I will love you right this time. Baby... please," his soft doe eyes pierced through hers, begging her for another chance. The way he looks at her, the feeling of his touch on her arms, his familiar scent that filled his nostrils the way he calls her baby... her heart is aching. She misses him so much.

She raised her eyes to look at him. His handsome face and the way the mask hang around his mouth and nose.

The mask. The mask that he needs to conceal his identity. His identity that makes him too good to be with her in the first place.

Jungkook will always be a somebody. He has to hide his identity even he is having his breakfast. And although she is a part of that life now, deep inside she is still just an ordinary girl who unfortunately falls in love with someone extraordinary like Jeon Jungkook.

And what happened five years back proves that Jungkook would never accept that ordinary part of her. And if he cant accept that, then he cant have all of her.

"I'm sorry. I cant Jungkook," she trembled. "I have only known and love you all my life. I love every part of you... but you dont love me for who I really am. I am just still me Jungkook. Underneath all this, I'm still just that girl you broke for being ordinary. You wont and cant ever love me fully... and I wont force you too,"

"Y/N. No. I love you. I love all of you. Everything about you. Please. Give me this chance and I will prove it to you," Jungkook is panicking. He cant loose her like this. She didnt even give her a chance to get close, to show her how he has change. He has been looking for her for five years, how can he just let her slip away?

"You think you do. But I know you better than that. You are just in love with the idea of me," she smile sadly. Oh, how she wished they were still young lovers. Happy and in love. "I thought no one could ever like me for who I really am Jungkook. I loathe myself. For years I loathe myself. But I know now, not everybody hates ordinary. We ordinary girls have to right to be love too,"

"I didnt me-"

"I cant be with you Jungkook. I thought I wont ever get over you, but I was wrong. I fell in love. I found someone worthy to love me now. And I would do anything to make him love me..." she finally quietly admits, leaving Jungkook speechless.

"Wh..what?" Jungkook shakes his head in disbelief. This cant happen. His baby is in love with someone else? Who? Who is the man who stole her heart away? "Who is it? Tell me Y/N! Who is it! I will show you I can love you better than him," his face is etched in anger as he shakes her shoulders.

"You dont need to know..."

"I do. I do need to know Y/N. I need to know so I can show you how much more I will love you than he ever will!" He insisted, crazy with anger. Y/N looks around and see they are starting to catch attention and people are starting to recognized them. She cant let them happen.

"Stop it Jungkook..."

"No! I love you Y/N. Why wont you believe me?" He cried. "Tell me who is he?"

"Its Taehyung!" She screamed, tired of Jungkook's tireless persuassion. "Its Kim Taehyung! Are you happy now? I love Kim Taehyung and he didnt even know! So you dont have to do anything Jungkook!" His grasp on her shoulder soften.

"You are in love with Tae - hyung? My hyung?" His eyes roamed all over her face, looking for any sign that shes lying. But theres none. His heart starts to ache, a feeling so foreign to him. "Since when?"

"Since... sinc..," her eyes flickered behind Jungkook and her mouth dropped in horror. "Taehyung!" Jungkook whipped his head to see what Y/N is looking at, and true enough, his hyung stood there behind him and with the look on his face, its clear he heard everything. His eyes looks straight at her, dark and blank, she couldnt understand what emotions are playing within him right then and it scared her.

"Tae, wait! I can ex-" Y/N started to run after him when he abruptly turned around and walked away towards the other direction.

"Y/N, please. Choose me. Please. I love you. I cant live without you. Choose me Y/N. Dont leave me for Tae," Jungkook held on to her jacket's sleeves, begging her with his brown eyes. Y/N felt her tears finally fell at the sight of Jungkook, the mighty Jungkook begging for her, an ordinary girl.

"Then you have to learn how to Jungkook. Just like how I did before," she shakes her sleeve loose and run after Taehyung. Jungkook was left alone, stunned, and after years of being strong and believing he can do anything, he fell to his knees for he knows this time he wont be able to do it.

Losing Y/N all over again.

/////

"Tae! Tae. Stop. Just stop," Y/N was breathless as she managed to grab Taehyung by the arm. The said man turned and emotionlessly turned to face her. She felt her heart break. Does Taehyung really doesnt have any feelings for her at all?

"You shouldnt say things that you dont even understand Y/N," he suddenly broke the silenced.

"What are you talking about Tae? What you heard-"

"How can you say you love me? How is that even possible?"

"Why isnt it possible? I'm in love with you Kim Taehyung! Why is that not possible?" She huffed. Did Taehyung really thinj no one would ever love him? "I'm in love with every part of you. The real you! Not the facade you put out for everyone around you. But the you that you showed me during the talks we had. I'm in love with that Kim Taehyung!"

"I cant be with you," his words came out so smoothly out from his mouth, it hurts her to think how he doesnt even have to think about it at all.

"Why?" She cried. Y/N can feel her heart broke for the second time after a long time. "Why cant you give me a chance? I know you felt it too. I can see it when you talk to me. When you look at me. Please Tae, why cant you let me?"

"Tae... is there really no chance for us?" Y/N asks again when he kept quiet, eyes fixed on the ground. "You... really cant love me?" Y/N lets out a deep breath and weakly lets go of his hand when he still didnt answer. "Okay... I'm sorry. I just thought..." she didnt finished her words before she turned around, wanting to just walk away from the situation and just buried herself in her blanket back at the hotel. She was always a fool in love. Ordinary or not, no one will ever love her for her. She just need to braced another month of schedule with Bangtan and she can forget all this ever happen.

"Do you want to know why we could never happen?" Taehyung's voice reached her ears, sounding so soft and sad, making her turn around even though she dont think she can ever face him again. Y/N stopped in her tracks for a moment and decide to just walk away. There is no need for her to listen to the list of reasons as to why Taehyung would never ever love her.

"Y/N, listen to me," Taehyung grabbed her hand. Why is he doing this? Why is he forcing her to listen to things that she doesnt want to? Is he intentionally wanting to hurt her?

"I...I dont want to Tae," she sobbed. "I dont need to know why you wont ever love me,"

Taehyung immediately cupped both of her cheeks and make her look at him the moment she said that. "Y/N... I'm sorry for what I said. And I never said I didnt love you back..." he said so softly Y/N almost missed it, but she didnt and her eyes widen. Did... did Taehyung just confess?

"Please dont cry..." his thumbs wipe the tears that slowly rolled down her cheeks. "Look around you Y/N... this is the reason why we cant be together,"

For the first time since they talk, Y/N raised her head and look around her. Fans are gathered all around, cellphones out and snapping photos. She looks up and billboards with her face on it filling the view. Even if the passerby didnt know who they were before, they sure do now. "You are too special to be with me Y/N. I am not the one for you. I'm too strange and weird to be with you. You deserves the world. You are remarkable, and you deserves the best. Me? I'm just an ordinary small town boy who accidentally passes an audition Y/N. I'm not for you. So dont cry for me. These people doesnt like to see you cry," he smile at her. She feels her heart beats faster. She wants that smile. She wants to wake up to that smile everyday and she wont let who she became now stops her from the happiness that is right in front of her.

"Taehyung... I'm still that same ordinary girl you met in the park five years back. The girl who cried because the person she loves broke her. Dont you remember her?"

"What? What are you saying?"

"You are really funny," Y/N repeated what he said to her way back then. "In this world where everybody tried to be special, why do you want to be ordinary?" Taehyung's eyes widen at that. Little did she know, just like her, their encounter that day changed his life forever too. He accepted his life more after their little talk and since then he starts not to think about what his fans would want from him. He is just an ordinary man and if they dont love him for that, then they didnt love him to start with.

"That... that was you?" Y/N nodded with a smile and tears in her eyes.

"Tae... what you said to me that day changed me. Because of you I start to believe that ordinary girls like me deserves to be loved too. I came back to the park everyday in hope to see you again but I never did. You have been a part of my life for a long time Tae, whether you like it or not," she laughs. "And if you think I am too special to be with you, then you are dead wrong. You are everything I could ever want. You are the only person in my life who loves me for that dorky college girl that I am and I'm in love with you for that," she rajsed her hands and carressed his cheeks. Taehyung slowly leaned in into her touched. "You love every lsrt of me and you deserve to have all of me Tae,"

"Dont see me like what the other see me Tae. See me for who I really am. I am just an ordinary girl who falls in love with an amazing man, and she hopes that amazing man would someday fall in love with her too,"

"I am already in love with you Y/N. From the moment you stutter my name the first time we officially met," he laughs out loud at the memory as Y/N blushed. "Why were you so nervous anyway? You are already in love with me back then arent you? My good looks got nothing on you,"

"Yah!" She hit his chest and Taehyung pulled her close in his embraced. "Dont tease me,"

"You are adorable," he kissed her head and they can hear the camera shutter clicking from all around them. They have a lot to answer to their own management tomorrow, but for now that didnt matter. "My beautiful ordinary girl, you make me realized that nothing else matters that just to be and love yourself. You are the best thing that could have ever happen to me, eventhough I dont even know who you were back then. I love you Y/N," he whispered.

"And I love you Kim Taehyung. Just my weird fascinating Kim Taehyung," Taehyung smile and leaned his head closer to her as his lips tremble when he touched the lips of the girl he has dreamt about for years.

As the couple shared their first kiss, and the people around them starts to busily clicking their cameras and cooing at the adorable couple, a pair of teary doe eyes looks from afar...

And for the first time in his life, he admits that his heart is broken to pieces.

By an ordinary girl.

A/N: Ordinary Girl that Y/N played on the music room is actually a real song by Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, with the same title. All credits goes to the original artists and everyone involved in it.

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tumblunni · 6 years

Text

Okay the BIG TODAY THING

It seems i might possibly be gone for six months

I've been talking with my support worker about taking a course at this place thats uhh apparantly gonna help me get better with the depressions and stuff. And we had a meeting to go look around the place and make introductions and stuff but i had NO IDEA it would be all such short notice! I might have to move in IN TWO DAYS FROM NOW, what the fuck!!! And like if its not that its gonna be at the end of the week or next tuesday at the latest. Im so fuckin unprepared and im really freakin out!!

..uhh...how to describe it..well i guess its literally a mental asylum? But it's absolutely NOTHING like the horror movie stereotype! Its not a hospital with cages or locked rooms, its just like a big comfy cute shared house. Like a bunch of completely normal small apartment rooms but they just happen to be all connected to a shared kitchen and stuff and have on site nurses and a big schedule of therapy sessions and group activities like pottery class or bowling. You have the freedom to come and go as you please if you're on "voluntarily admitted" status (that's me!) and even if you're on what they call "sectioned" its still not scary loss of all your freedom. The highest level of sectioning is just like "requires an escort"? You're still allowed to go outside but you have a higher level of supervision from your key worker because you could potentially be a danger to yourself. But that's very rare and most people are only on maximum sectioning for a few weeks at the start of their treatment, if they've come straight from a situation of self harm or other concern factors. Most of the "sectioned" patients just have a time limit on how long they can spend on unsupervised outside activity. It's a pretty generous 8 hours apparantly!

So yeah i was getting worried about nothing, thinking i was gonna be in big scary solitary confinement and locked inside a tiny broom closet or jabbed with brain lazers. It honestly just seems like a summer camp resort for adults! And everyone there seems very nice, and im excited for being able to learn life skills like cooking and potential steps towards getting educational qualifications someday. And to have the help of a more specialist support worker who can assist me with even the smallest little problems. Like this nice lady Tazmin (who might be the one i get?) was saying how they've had other people with social anxiety before, and how we could plan "gradual exposure" to all the things that scare me. Like she said she'd be able to come with me and we'd take the bus and them get off at the next stop. That'd honestly be really helpful to help me get over being scared of the crowded spaces on buses, but i'd never be able to do it normally cos i'd be too embarassed taking such a short bus ride. Plus well itd be a waste of money,but if i'm a patient here i would get a free bus pass so it wouldnt be a problem.

Oh and the area seems really nice! Its so different from my stupid house right now in a crowded neighbourhood with NOTHING but houses everywhere for a mile! Its seriously almost a mile's walk to the ONE SINGULAR SHOP IN THE AREA and they close on sundays and dont sell vegetarian food. :( This area around the shared house thingie is a really nice bustling shops place but not super shops? Like i mean its a lovely village that has all the small shops you need, not a huge skyscrapers busy tourist place. The perfect balance of conveinient and not scary! They have a library and a park so close to the place, and a bazillion charity shops holy FUCK im so excited to have charity shops again!! I think you call them thrift shops in america? But i just always really love bargain hunting and finding nice surprises in places like that! And there's places to do pottery classes and group trips sometimes to do stuff like cinema or bowling or just having your big ol scary therapy meeting at the nice coffee shop at the end ot the road.

So yeah dont worry about me guys, im not trapped in some horribke hell place! I'm sure it'll be as non threatening as an Intensive Therapy Boot Camp can possibly be, im just still nervous as hell cos well yeah I Have Social Anxiety And That Is Why I Am Here In The First Place. Im scared im not gonna be able to succeed at this. I really wanna leave at the end and be all mentally buffed up and ready to make all these nice nurses proud!

Oh and man Richard has been so nice about this?? He was super freaked out and apologetic about it being Scary Short Notice, we had a bit of a dumb misunderstanding where he clearly told me and i clearly said yes but i somehow completely misunderstood what he was saying and thought i was saying yes to something else??? So im so fuckin glad that at the very end of the appointment right when i was gonna get out the car he was like 'oh so remember your suitcase on wednesday' and i was like WHAT. Like man can you imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if i just turned up on wednesday with no supplies but the shirt off my back and was like 'wtf where is he driving me OH GOD NO'. Bunni why you so bad at the good of talking!! Seriously richard thanks so much for clearing it up but also AAAAA i accidentally agreed to the shortest of short notice and i dont know if he's gonna be able to reschedule it!!!

And man i was there crying in his car about how i dont wanna be in hospital on my birthday, and babbling all the different things i had planned fot the next few months. And GOD DAMN MY DUMB BRAIN i ended up blurting out that i had a preorder of a videogame that i was gonna miss. And i straight up started explaining pokemon to my mental health counseller who is also a dj, how damn fake does my life sound?? Anyway he said that i'll still be able to keep him as my support worker when i get back out of this, and we'll still have weekly or monthly meetings while i'm in there. And he keeps reminding me that i'm free to leave if i feel uncomfortable, but i know that i'd feel like a failure if i did! So he legit fuckin goddamn said (THIS SOUNDS SO FAKE) that i could take a day off when the dumb game comes out, and he'd play co op pokemon with me. HOLY GEEZUS RICHARD YOU'RE LIKE THAT HOLY GRAIL OF THERAPISTS! And man he even said it wasnt embarassing for me to sleep with a teddy bear and he'd help me pack it up safe and ensure nobody saw it while we move my bags into my new room. And then i was like "uhh but also the teddy bear is a giant lifesize embarassing pokemon merchandise" and he was like "okay so we need DOUBLE STEALTH". Apparantly the new sequel to Pokemon Go is Pokemon Sneak! God he helped calm me down from this freakout so much, he's always great with lil jokes and motivational sayings. And i talked about how i first started being interested in Obscure Deep Sea Slug Facts because pokemon has some characters based on weird real life animals, and like its Very Educational Honest, And Has Appeal For Both Kids And Adults. How on earth did this turn into Motovational Pokemon Blabber Time??? Anyway thats how i ended up texting a professional psychologist pictures of gastrodon at 7.30pm.

Yeah

In summary

I'm mostly just worried cos this is short notice! And cos its such a big commitment that being short notice is Super Bad. I need to friggin clean the whole house top to bottom in two days, so it doesnt get all gross and attract flies while im gone. And i need to toss out like a hundred bucks worth of frozen food that aint gonna keep for 6 months. And i need to wash all my damn clothes. And i dont even have a suitcase and this is at a terrible time where i dont get paid for a week so i cant buy a new one right now!! And damn i DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TAKE AAAAAA

And the BIGGEST PROBLEM

Is that i wont be able to talk to you guys for half a year!!!

They dont have wifi and im not allowed to take my computer anyway. They only allow laptops and all i have is a desktop and AAAA its too short notice to save up enough to get a laptop mannnnn! Fuck man i didnt even think about that, i need to go pause my broadband internet for six months, do they even allow you to come back after that long?? And man part of me wants to ask to borrow money from friends to get a laptop but i know this time i cant promise to pay you back within the month cos AAAGH ALL OF THIS SHIT!! Like damn man if anyone is willing to let me pay back a hundred and fifty quid in 6 months??not bloody likely!! And man the only place to get a laptop in TWO GODDAMN DAYS is stupid fuckin Amazon :( but god im gonna go stir crazy being unable to do art or gamemaking or friggin anything to occupy myself!! I can bring my 3ds but i barely have any games for it and ive already finished all of them except harvest moon a new beginning which i quit cos it was bad. And the screen is broken anyway gahhh. SO MANY THINGS I NEED MONEY FOR IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS NON CONDUCTIVE TO MONEYING

So anyway GAHH i wont have an internet connection in the house, and i'll be able to walk down the hill and use the library computers hopefully at least weekly, but they forbid all social media sites. So like can i get the emails of everyone who wants to keep in contact? Man i dont know how im gonna manage this AAAAA!!! i will send u loads of pics of scenic asylum beauty and dumb updates on my stupid life of probably very little progress.

And AGGGHHH i dont even have the time to plan a blog queue or anything fuck man geez aaaaaaaa

I NEED TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS WITHOUT HOLES IN THE KNEES man i cant live on singular pantage in a shared house

#bunni is gone #alas #mourn they #soon to be departed from the web

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corneliaxrouge · 3 years

Text

Today is not so good. I feel tired and really down.

I can think of a lot of reasons why I feel that way but I can never say it out loud. So maybe putting it here might help make dark thoughts go away.

My boyfriend resigned from his work. He has a lot of financial responsibilities but he pushed resigning even though the economy is bad and he has no sufficient savings that could last him for at least 3-4 months. I know that too much stress from their office pushed him to make this decision. I understand that it’s not worth it. Maybe I just need to trust that he knows what he’s doing since he’s older than me.

We’ve talked about future plans already. He knows where I am at. We agreed on how we’ll do things in the future. But we never really talked about this, the way I feel about it. I feel that this decision is selfish and irresponsible. But I dont want to hold him back because even though I feel that way, I understand how unbearable it was back at his job. I dont want him to blame me someday for making him stay in that hideous job. He rants and rants about it everyday and then finally I just said yes, go, resign already.

At first it felt exciting, knowing that if he’s out of work, I’m free as bird outside. No one to demand time because I no longer have to pick him up. I can go wherever, whenever because he wont know where I should be. Not that I want to lie to him, but the thought of that kind of freedom led me to feel excited about this decision.

But this stupid brain of mine keeps on going back and forth on how I feel about his decision. Maybe I’m just too controlling to carry this kind of burden. I know that’s not good but I don’t know how to stop. For the past 2 days, he’s been carrying out like nothing happened. He spends time on his gaming and I dont even see him surfing the net looking for a job. He sent out resumes before he left his previous one, and that’s it. Since he hasnt received any calls yet he’s just here, playing.

I wish to see some loneliness in him, or a meltdown. I am mean to be like this. But I just want to see that he really wants to get back there. Yes, he’s been out of the office for only 2 days now but he tendered his resignation letter 30days ago already. It has been a month and he’s still sitting pretty.

If I were in his shoe I might be crying every night. I might be that weak. Maybe that’s what i want to see. Some moment of weakness, to realize that he has solid plans for our future like what we’ve always talked about.

The other night, he asked me to chill at the rooftop and talk about our plans again in the future. I refused. I said I dont want to because I may say something that he might misunderstood. I said now is not the time to talk about plans yet.

I hope he felt pain like how I am feeling frustration right now. What I said was true. If we’re going to make plans, it cant be all up to me. And we cant make plans if we dont have the resources to do it. What he wants is to make dreams, not plans. Dreams and plans are not the same.

I’m not at that point where I’m all about dreams. I’m realistic. And i dont like the reality of the future that I see now. I dont like what’s happening around me.

At work, load is piling up and I have to do some actions already. I keep on telling myself that it’s okay and it is not my responsibility to solve everyone’s problems. But i do want to solve their problems because I am their manager. Who else are they gonna turn to to ask for help. But I’m not the hero they want me to be. This might be over reacting but anyway, that’s how I feel sometimes especially during the hard times.

I keep telling myself that if I ever lose this job, I could get another one. Or I will just invest in stock market where I dont have a boss other than myself. Maybe me losing my job will help my bf get a grip of the reality that he’s the man and he should be the one doing the job of providing. We dont have kids yet but I want to be a housewife so bad. I want to stay at home, do the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids. etc. I dont want to work forever. I want to make time for all the passions and hobbies that I have. And i know it’s selfish but who doesnt want that kind of freedom.

Maybe I’m just jealous bc he can do and drop things just like that. Why can’t I? I actually know why but I still envy him.

What to do...

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sad-mamas · 7 years

Text

so i was thinking about writing this all day but i didnt have the chance or whatever. anyways i woke up this lovely morning in a depressed ass mood. nothing out of the ordinary, right? well yeah but there was actually a reason for it. that reason is the reason i dont get cute anymore or go shopping, or interact with really anyone anymore. Drugs. it sucks to admit but i am addicted to drugs. now i wont get to specific on what types of drugs but the point is its the hardcore shit. i never thought i would ever get mixed up in any of that and for a while i was actually enjoying doing the drugs.even now that i am out of my mood i feel like it aint too bad. but anyway many people think there is like some deep hidden reason people do drugs and honestly sometimes theres not. i started because i was bored. i dont wanna hear that its the people i associate with or any other bullshit like that. i have a choice, i always do. anyways i was thinking about all the shit ive binged on such as drugs, weed and alcohol. my favorite being alcohol but the drugs make me feel really shitty if i drink so i dont drink anymore. i replaced one habit with another. weed is always great but yesterday the drugs really fucking hit me and not like a good hit from this shit but like a revelation type shit. i was physically feeling ill and yet i kept hitting this shit cause it made me go fucking numb. like mentally numb. like all the shits i ever gave about anything went away. I was physically feeling so sick that i think i could’ve overdosed but luckily i was out of money. I am not ashamed to talk with people about the shit im going through its me and its real. So the point of this post isnt to talk about my drug addiction necessarily but its interrelated with my mental issues. I have borderline personality disorder. this shit sucks, i would suggest you look it up for a deeper knowledge on it or not. idc. but I was starting to wonder why i was getting so depressed again even though ive been taking my birth control to help with all that (I have pmdd too). Its the drugs fucking up my perception of things. people with bpd find themselves attached to people for a sense of security yet those same people are the one they bash on and hate. this is called idealization and devaluation. this is why i never leave or cling onto people. youre the greatest person in the world until youre not. i have this person in my life rn and people confuse it with obsession or being in love and thats far from it. it makes me feel secure and when this person validates me i feel on top of the world but the slightest change in tone or behavior that resembles anything to rejection can send me down a spiral. these people are called “favorite person”. i dont like this at all but i cant help it. ive tried trust me. having bpd means i get bored easily. i find that i am trying to find my identity yet it doesnt seem to exist. I have this strong fear of abandonment. i know everyone will leave its just a matter of when. there is so much to my behavior that if you really stopped to look at it everything about me would make sense. Idk if you believe in mental illness or not but for me this is my reality. I fear that my favorite person is going to leave me someday and it scares me to think about that. so i sabotage it by being a bitch so they can prove me right. i dont mean to be like this but i am. now in relation to the drugs when i a under the influence of anything that is when i can talk about my feelings and not be scared of rejection. thats why i continue to follow that kind of life. my goal is to stay as clean as possible. my mood changes so much that all of this might be up in smoke by the time you read it. i dont know how else to talk about what i feel. which is why i am always quite when youre around. and i know that you hate this shit cause i wont talk to you directly but i dont want to be rejected. and i hope my favorite person reads this and can understand better because otherwise i wouldnt know how to bring this up. no i am not in love with you or even have any type of feelings for you romantically anymore i just need you to help me feel secure in this world and all that means is being understanding rather than making it seem like i am crazy, tho i do recognize that already. and maybe youre not up for that and i get it no one is. i picked you as my favorite person unintentionally it just happens. there is something i see in certain people that draws me towards them and makes me want them around forever even if its abusive im trying very hard to work on that but i havent done a very good job.

sorry if this seems scattered or idk whatever but i felt like i needed to get all of this out.

#bpd #lonely #pmdd #drug addiciton #crazy #itsneedy #clingy #love

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anothertrashyunderimagine · 7 years

Note

I have another ask, if you don't mind! How would UT & UF Sans and the US! bros react if their S/O was an astronaut, who was going to be a part of the mission to Mars. How would the skeletons react when they leave? What if they died when they were away? What if they came back safely, how would the skeleton's react? You don't have to answer this if you don't feel up to it, I don't want to impose! The last ask you answered for me was phenomenal! ILYSFM! I hope your day is as fabulous as you are!

oh mai god no! i love the asks! send in as many as you like! this is reeeaaalllyyy long because i got into the angst, but that means its better! no srsly tho mabye grab some tissues and some alone time, youll need it…))

Sansy-wait youre going where?!?! he is so jeleous for probably a whole minute after he finds out youre going to mars. but then he turns it around and starts joking about how his s/o will be his personal star to look at in space. He somehow manages to get access to all areas of the station, so he follows you around like a little kid at a space museum. he may even help the scientists figure out some of the calculations for your flight. He feels important, and he didnt even have to work too hard. it feels good. When it comes time to say goodbye, that’s when his anxiety kicks in. what if he messed up the numbers and you dont make it back? he gives you a long kiss, and gives you an itty bitty bone accessory he made himself with magic as a good luck charm.Fast foward to a few months/years later when you come back. (this is going to be the good then the bad, goes for all skeles))Here we go, you’re coming home. does he look okay? are you okay? as soon as you land safely he teleports to the door of the capsule and hugs you tight. he wont leave your side for a full hour and he’ll be grinning like an idiot because you came home safe. (bonus points if you made a necklace of his charm and you’re wearing it as you step off the ship))Hes in the control center when he finds out. just doing his thing and hes having a good day because they just accepted him as an employee/scientist for the mission you were on. suddenly theres a red light. something is wrong. this isnt his field, so he stands by and lets the technicians handle it. hes worried sick, the whole time hes just begging for it not to be you. but it is. he cant do anything to help, and as they get the final pieces picked up they find out they were too late. you had been lost because your air tank had a leak, and you were nowhere near the shuttle…Sans freezes, goes numb. he…he lost you. his soulmate, the love of his life. and he wasnt there with you. He isnt the same afterwards. he doesn’t go to his new job and he gets discharged. he wont get out of bed or eat. not even papyrus can say something that will help. he wont do anything now, and he doesnt move on easily. after months of mourning, he sneaks out one night. he goes back to the space station and onto the open field with miles of open darkness. and he looks up. he sees the stars and he thinks of you, and he just crys. for hours, remembering you and how much you loved the stars. he misses you so much. in the morning the find him, asleep with a tear-stained smile.

Red-aw. hell. no. you are NOT going to outer space. he doesn’t want to take that risk. if you convince him that you aren’t backing down, he grumbles and accepts it. He follows every move of the process to get you up there. you will be coming down safe. When you hug him goodbye, he almost doesn’t let you go. he doesn’t want you to leave. he doesn’t want to be alone for X years/months. He gives you a kiss with a lot of tounge, without a care for whos watching. he wants to remember your taste, your feel, your heartbeat. he doesn’t want to regret letting you go…Hes waiting for you already at the entrance. hes been waiting for almost two days now. when you finnaly step off the truck, you somehow trip, and you fall into his arms. hey doll. he missed you. heh, yeah he made you fall for him. he kisses you again, and he will growl at anyone who tries to take you from him for the rest of the week.He was there again, waiting for you to land. the launch/landing pad was maybe a mile from where he was standing. he sees the capsule coming. he shouldn’t have been able to. his eyelights dissapear as he realizes that he can only see it because its on fire. its burning up. and then it explodes. right in front of him. he falls to his knees and tears roll down his face silently. he cant even feel anything. you were so close to him, and now youre gone. next thing he knows hes in a destroyed control center, and then he passes out. when he wakes up the docters tell him that he went on a blind rampage and tore appart the enire facility. he thinks it was a good thing. now no one will suffer like he did…

Blueberry-OH MY TORIEL SPACE?!?! YOURE GOING TO MARS?!?! OH MY STARS HOW DID HE GET SO LUCKY?! Hes encouraging in every way possible, and his adorableness gained him access anywhere you went. Like Sansy, he follows you, marveling at all of the cool science stuff. He gives you his bandana as a goodbye present, and he hugs you tight, covering your face with smooches. hes not naive. he knows you may not make it back. but he has hope…YOURE COMING HOME!! After X months/years, you’re finally coming home! hes bouncing off the walls and waiting for you to come out of the double doors of the station. you come out, and are tackled by a smol bean thats showering you in all of the kisses you missed while you were gone. he is so happy, and even his bandana made it back! he will be attached to you for hours, just wanting to cuddle~He doesn’t know about it for a while. he spent weeks even, without knowing, blissfully ignorant. And when the day comes for you to arrive home, you dont walk out of the doors. They call him inside instead and tell him the awful news. You had died of an illness of sorts, due to a rare gene in your body. You left hom his bandana, a rock from Mars, and a note thay simply said ‘I love you past the moon and back’. Poor Blueberry breaks down when he reads the note. His magic acts up in response, and a small tornado forms in the room. Once his brother calms him down, he just clutches the fabric to his chest and crys out your name over and over. He got home safe, and now the bandana is folded neatly in a box in his room with the rock. He sees it every day, and thinks of you with a sad smile before going to work.

Carrot-oh an astronaut? cool. Mars? double cool. but, uh, how long will you be gone? He doesn’t seem to mind what you’re doing, he just doesn’t want to be alone for so long. he listens intently when you come home in the evening and tell him what you did. heck he wants to know all about it. When you leave, he manages to convince the guards to let him go up the elevator with you and all the way to the shuttle. he hugs you and kisses your forehead, your nose, and then your mouth. he whispers i love you and then youre gone, off to the stars for who knows how long…Waiting with the reception party, he smiles as you step off the shuttle. As calmly as he can, he walks up to you, and wraps you in a tight hug. Never leave him alone for so long ever again..he buries his face in your neck as he crys, happy to have you home.It was on the news. Blueberry was watching, and when he heard his bro cry out in surprise, he ran over to see your face on the screen. One of your crew members had gone insane and killed everyone else on the mission, then themselves. The tall skele falls to his knees in disbelief. No this couldnt be happening…there wasnt even anyone to bring your body home…He has a polaroid picture of you and him, at the fair that had come just before you left for mars. he crys every time he sees it, but he keeps it on his nightstand anyways. mabye the pain will fade someday this way…

again: ANGST!!! Hope you enjoyed this hun!~))

#trashmagine #undertale imagine #undertale #underswap #underfell #sans #papyrus #imagine #holy frick this was long #srsly tok me all day

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fairykibum · 7 years

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wanna hear a dramatic, life teaching, story? then keep on reading.

i have an italian/history teacher that has serious problems, and has obvious preferences in the class. for some reason, the second half of this year i got chosen as one of the ones she dislikes the most, whereas getting a 6 (in italy 6= you pass, under 6= you fail) is nearly impossible. let me tell you a little bit about this teacher. she is known as one of the meanest and most esigent teachers in the school. she can say one thing, then do the other. she has CRAZY mood changes. if she’s interrogating you, you can answer correctly with something written in the textbook, but it might not be fine with her because it’s not what she wants. she can ask you stuff that makes no goddamn sense but if you ask her to repeat the question, she’ll yell at you. she is crazy and has problems. anyway, there are only 4 days left of school and in the past two weeks with this teacher i have gotten two 5 and one 5.5. the two fives were from two written tests: one was an italian one, which i guess was kinda understandable, the other was from a history test: there was a part in this test where i had to write the definitions of some history words. i wrote the stuff i learned from the book: all incorrect. the 5.5 was from an oral interrogation in which i said everything i could (since i got interrupted by her the entire time) but apperently it still wasnt enough. yet, she still gave a 7 to a girl that did just slightly better than me. today something worse than both of these happened. long story short, the teacher presumed i had offered myself to be interrogated in history, when i did not, but it was fine because i was ready. she asked me one question, a very VERY confusing one, but i answered with what i, and the rest of my class, considered correct. and i talked, until she got mad saying this isnt what she wanted and didnt even let me finish what i was saying. next up, she asks a few questions around the class to other students. she then goes asks someone something i knew and, seeing how that person was in CLEAR struggle, i raise my hand to be called on. i keep my hand raised for a good five minutes, but when she saw that i had my hand raised, she got mad at me saying she didnt want the typical quick answers and that i couldnt intervene just when i wanted. so…i put my hand down. then, she asked the class something NO ONE new. i knew it, and i said it, correctly! she didnt get mad at me, it was correct. end of the lesson arrives, and this lady had asked me only one question: an interrogation is supposed to be made up of three questions or more. an hour passes and i see my vote online: a 4.5. yup thats right, a 4.5 for ONE question answered correctly, yet not how she wanted, and a correct intervention on something NO ONE new except me! but obv raising my hand was absolutely unacceptable. this happened during break and im crying seeing how now im technically failing history. let me add, she gave votes like 6 or 7.5 to other people in the class for one question. some of my friends persuade me to go to talk to her. im terrified but i do. i go up to her and tell her, kindly, if i could know why i got this vote. she doesnt even let me finish and tells me that its bad that i dont know what i got such a vote. i quickly add “i was only asked one question”. this fucking LADY then goes on to tell me that i should’ve stepped in while she was asking questions to the rest of the class. i tell her “i did, i raised my hand”. all logic is then lost as she tells me that she doesnt want to quick small answers, but full sentences. and in my mind i think: “how. how can i make full sentences if you won’t ask me questions, nor will you let me step in when i raise my hand!” and with that, while she is continuosly complaining i simply say “sorry for disturbing her, im sorry” and leave. the im sorry was meant for “im sorry you have such a stupid ill mentality”. after this im obv crying again. during the next hour, two of my classmates have to go to the class of this crazy teacher to ask her something. they do, and when they come back they tell me that this teacher seemed kinda sorry about it (at least, she wasnt mad), and that i could be reinterrogated on saturday. when i get home, i go online and see that the 4.5 isnt there anymore: its an i. an i stands for “unprepared” which means i WILL be reinterrogated on saturday. after a long long talk with my parents, i have only now realised that yes, it is normal to be upset about all these bad votes, but in the end I have done EVERYTHING i could. if this lady does not change her mind about me, then that’s her problem. i have done everything in my power, aka study and talking to her. also, this also shows that talking to someone can sorta help. someone as illogical as her, after talking to me has changed her mind and has made a slight move of helping me. then ofc, it all depends on the questions she will ask me on saturday. but in the end, i have really learned that all that i could do i did, i will repass for the interrogation on saturday, and however it will turn out its fine. because at least i know i did do what i could. maybe someday this teacher will realise that her actions and her ways are very unprofessional, this whole judging someone and barely giving them a second chance. im just truly glad i wont ever have to see her again after these 4 days left of school. :)

#sorry i just...yeah. enjoy!#truly cant wait for this school year to end. truly #also to add: theres a possibility she'll get mad at me on saturday sayint #i forced her to interrogate me or some shit but whatever #sofia talks

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missjackil · 7 years

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One Year.... One year ago this month, I was introduced to these AMAZING gentlemen, and life has never been the same! I don’t recall the exact day it happened, but I do know it was March, 2016,

This is how it started... It was a very cold, snowy winter here in NJ last year, so my life long friend Dawn, my daughter Sarah, and I started binge watching different series on Netflix. Dawn first suggested this show Supernatural, which I had only heard of in passing a few times over the years, but she had watched since the beginning. She said I would love it, the brothers are hot, they hunt monsters and demons, delve a lot into Religion, which is a big interest of mine, I even have a degree in Theology, and am legally ordained. I checked the title on Netflix and saw it had 10 seasons available, and I said “Nah, that’s a pretty big commitment, I dont think I could stay interested in a show that long” then Dawn informed me, that it was still on the air and in season 11. Not my cup of tea, so I declined. She next suggested Nurse Jackie, which was really good, but so easy to burn through. I got the next pick and picked House MD which had been mine, and my daughter Sarah’s favorite series to date. This was a longer series than Nurse Jackie, 8 seasons instead of 7, and hour long episodes, as opposed to half hour. This took almost 2 months to get through. While watching this series again, I would keep commenting how much I loved the bromance between House and Wilson, to wish Dawn would always reply “The you will LOVE Sam and Dean!!” So since she had next pick, I agreed to give Supernatural a try. And this is what happened... *CRASH BOOM BANG <heavy flop>* “Wooooaaah easy tiger” “Dean?” Yeah, these boys are freakin adorable, and Im gonna love this bromance. I thought Dean was hot, and Sam was cute. Too young for me to think he was hot (me being 49 at the time) but I felt like the monsters and a lot of the horror was pretty lame, and sometimes even cheesy, though I did enjoy the chemistry the boys had with each other, and found Sam’s psychic visions to be an interesting element, I didn’t think I would stay interested for very long. For a while, we were only watching 2-3 episodes at a time, a couple times a week when Dawn would come over. Near the end of S1 I told her I didn’t think I wanted to continue. She asked me to PLEASE give it to the end of season 2 and if I still didnt like it, we could find something else. As promised, I did become more interested in S2. The humor was funnier, the acting got better, and the bromance was hotter, and the emotional moments were even more heart breaking. The first episode that left a really big impression on me was Born Under a Bad Sign. Until then, I knew Sam had psychic powers, and his father was worried he would turn dark, and left it on Dean’s shoulders to save him or kill him (good idea John, what the hell) and this episode was probably showing Sam go bad. I didnt want that, I liked the boys and I wanted to like both of them and not have to start thinking of Sam as evil, but he was soooooo creepy in that episode! I was so afraid he was going to rape Jo, fortunately he didn’t, but that “My daddy shot your daddy in the heeeaad” thing gave me the willies! I was so uncomfortable with this “Dark Sam” I thought maybe I couldnt continue. Dawn didnt want me to stop just yet, but didnt want to give me spoilers, she told me “Don’t worry, Sam and Dean are the GOOD guys and Sam is a REALLY good guy” so I continued. When it was discovered that Sam was possessed, I found that very interesting, I didn’t think the boys would ever succumb to the evil things, just kick their asses all the time, though I assumed theyd have their own asses kicked sometimes, I never thought the show would allow the heroes to really suffer.... boy was I wrong huh?? I recall my first noticing that Sam was hot and built like a truck, in Heart, and it was also the first time I really cried. I remember telling Dawn, I will watch it when she comes over but Im watching it on my own too, because now Im much more interested, but I also said “it’s kind of a bummer knowing the boys wont die, that will take away from the suspense and emotional moments when it’s feared they might die, and I remember her giving me this look... she said “trust me, you know nothing”. She was right ... All Hell Breaks Loose 1 & 2 had me sobbing! When Sam dies in Dean’s arms and Dean sobs into his neck, I dont think Ive ever seen such intense, realistic grief on a TV show. And then Dean goes and sells his soul for Sam!! This turned what I thought was a “My brother is my best friend” love into a “Id willingly spend eternity in fire and torment, to have one more year with my brother” love. That was a big turning point for me. I new Id watch it till the end and couldnt wait for those long days off when I could just binge all day long. Then Season 4 happened... I dont know when exactly it happened, or which episode it was, but somewhere early in S4, I discovered the most amazing thing. I woke up one day and realized I am madly in love with Sam Winchester! And to top it off, I was hopelessly addicted and obsessed with SPN! I wont give a rundown of how each season hit me, but its been a crazy, emotional, tragically painful, beautful roller coaster that I have no intentions to ever get off of. By the time I got to S9 and started seeing the episodes dwindle away, I didnt want to finish too fast, yet I wanted to keep binging, so thats when I decided to start rewatching. ration out the newer episodes so I dont finish too fast, and binge the ones Ive already seen, and Ive done that continiously since then, and that was in May. By the end of June, I had watched everything on Netflix and purchased all of S11 On Demand and just kept finishing and starting over, rinse, repeat. What I have learned... I mean no disrespect to Dean, I love him... but, if he ever says “As long as Im around, nothing bad is ever gonna happen to you” ... just RUN!! He said this to Sam in S1 and things just unraveled fast for poor Sam. I dont think there are many bad things LEFT that haven't happened to Sam, and we still have at least 2 more seasons to go!!! To me, Sam is the most beautiful, kind, selfless, brave character ever. Yet, he can be a little selfish on occasion, but if you needed any of the duct tape and safety pins that hold him together, he wouldnt think twice about giivng them to you. He is scared fairly often, but it’s never stopped him from facing any big bad monster life could hand him.Season 10 was definitely not his most attractive season (that hair?? WHAT??) and if you piss him off, he can viciously sting with his words at the very least, or be brutally lethal with his hands when need be. He is a full on nerd, but not the least bit pretentious about it. He doesnt think he is better than anyone, and maybe even not as good as most. He is brilliant, but wont ever make you feel stupid. He is the sweetest, kindest gentleman you’ll ever meet, but 100% badass as well. But most of all. he loves Dean with everything in his life. He will never leave him (again) for anyone. If he ever finds a significant other, they will have to accept him and Dean as One person. Package deal and thats it. To me, Dean is a rock. He rarely ever changes, This isn’t a bad thing. This compliments Sam, who is ever changing. Dean doesn’t live inside his head. He expresses his feelings more physically than with words, though he isnt one to mince words if you need to hear it. He’s emotional, not afraid to cry, but maybe afraid of who he allows to see it. He’s not perfect, he has made a lot of poor choices for himself and for Sam as well, but never with any ill intent (other than when influenced by a Supernatural force) He is a sweetheart, who unfortunately carries too much baggage. In Regarding Dean I feel like I met the REAL Dean that is lost under decades of pain, lossm and never ending violence. He can piss me off big time, but I forgive him because Sam does, and the most important thing in his world is Sam. There is nothing he wouldnt do, nor lines he wouldnt cross for Sam, and I believe he would give Sam anything in his power if Sam would simply ask. What I think of the side characters Cas, Crowley, Rowena, Bobby, etc.. all good characters who bring a lot of interest to the show, but none are strong enough characters to have their own storylines apart from Sam and Dean. Their side stories arent very interesting. I would watch a show that was only Sam and Dean (which is what I prefer) but I wouldnt watch a show that was only Cas or Crowley or whomever. They should support Sam and Dean and thats it, in my opinion.

What I have learned about the Fandom... Supernatural is the Holy Reaches of Heaven to them and they are Religions. Separate groups of individuals, expressing their love for the show and the characters in different ways. Some SPN religions are open and accepting, and some are vicious and hateful. Everyone gets different things from different parts of the series, but some of these religions, think their thoughts are the best and only True Canon even when sometimes, their thoughts are not canon at all. There are some fun, silly, kind loving fans in the SPN Family, and I have met a few, but Ive also seen some unnecessarily hatefull, mean spirited individuals who I cant consider family. SPN belongs to me, and it belongs to you. Take from it what you take from it... blog your blogs, go meta crazy, ship your ships, and write the shit out of fan fic... but please dont belittle and berate those who think differently. It is a ficitonal show, no one is going to go to Hell or be arrested for their views on it. If you don’t like it, dont watch it, but let those who do still love it, like myself, enjoy it while they can. Don’t go trying to hurt our feelings with “It should end!!” because someday it will, we know this, but we want it to live on for as long as J2 are happy to do it, and even then, it’s gonna hurt like the death of a loved one to see it go, so try to be more considerate okay? If you stayed to read ALL of this, You are precious to me :) and thank you!

#supernatural #1 year anniversary #many years to come

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ilygsd · 6 years

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200918: 1

someone fuck me in the asshole honestly im shocked how can this dude NOT UNDERSTAND??? hes really good at cognitive empathy, he has a nice moral compass he follows ”be kind, be nice” but he cant fucking FEEL what hes doing

and like....... thats important to me??? and apaprebtly NO ONE has ever criticized him for it or whatever? like his ”intentions”?? ofc he cant help he doesnt feel emotional empathy but he literally cant spot the DIFFERENCE!!! he’s like ”as long as im kind and a nice human being” like bitch NOO!!!! i like you!!! you ”like” me, but you like me bc u think im interesting and you think we can learn from each other. which also is important OF COURSE!! but BITCH I LIKE YOU BC I FEEL FOR YOU THATS DIFFERENT

we’ve known each other for like 3 weeks, met 5 times and we’ve already had 3 major fights??? mainly over text/phone but still.... he’s so fycking mean? he really tries to manipulate me that ugly fucking whore!!! he guilt trips me all the fuxking time i cant say anything he’ll explode and i need to apologize or some shit otherwisw it would never end. and i know what the fuck he’s doing because i used to be the exact same. honestly we are similar in many aspecrs EXCEPT for the ”feel”-part. i feel TOO MUCH. and the difference is that im not manipulating him.... because i KNOW i cant. i know he’d see right through me, there’s no POINT

like i used to be like that too, maybe i still am. i ALWAYS win fights, no mercy. its like i turn off my empathy during fights but AT LEAST i feel AFTERWARDS!!! he doesnt. he realize he did wrong bc of his ”morality”. bitch i could CRY, because he literally scolded me over phone when i was on the bus and there was NOTHING i could do to stop him. i tried to talk to him but he only continues cus i fkn refuse to oBEY HIS ORDERS??? but i cant hang up either cus then he’d never talk to me again and i’d feel like shit......

he’s pretty calm irl, ive never seen him angry irl and i hope i never will holy SHIT!!! he’s so good at hurting, like he turns everything youve ever said to him against you. he’s so fucking good at it cus he’s so god damn good at reading people. thats what makes him so charming. i DONT UNDERSTAND how can his precious girlfriends not have CARED??? apparently i’m the first to criticize him and one of the few to trigger him and im like..... bruh how?? i literally dont say anything and you fucking explode?? are your family and friends blind??? are you doing this to me because you THINK the manipulation will work??

also...... he sees it as something positive that sick bastard. hes like ”well i think this could be good” and im like ”uhhhh bitch it is I who get scolded???” and hems like ”but i feel and too :((” he’s such a fkn dumbass. this is his politics too. he believes in reverse racism and is probably sexist too smhhh. i was like ”are u dumb, u hit me in the face and tell me its bad for you too bc u feel vad abt hitting me??”

i am impressed by how he chose to ve ”kind” or whatever instead of psycho even though i still think he’s selfish and does it for his own gain aka he LOVES to learn things, experience things. he’s very ambitious, energetic and curious. but he doesnt understand. he’s like ”well im kind to you thats all that matters?”

the thing is, he’s not even kind??? he basically forced me to taste his disgusting vanilla coffee OTHERWISE he would take the blanket away??? he sees it as teasing and it kind of is yeah..... if i didnt know that his 1000% serious?? he honestly think its a ducking compromose?? im lile ”uhh a improvisera would be for me to taste a little coffee and then you to give me another blanket or AT LEAST stop nagging”

and when i finally tasted the ugly coffee he wanted to know if i thought it was good and i said ”yeah its ok” bc im not a liar, it was better than expected. and hes like ”thats all i wanted to hear” I KNOW BITCH, YOURE NOT THAT FUCKING SLICK ITS PRETTY FKN OBVIOUS

also he always adds rules??? everythings always on his conditions? also he kinda thinks i should be thankful for him not being an asshole??? or maybe its that i actually VRITICIZE his intentions. yeah i think that brothers him. i think he thinks it entertaining because he doesnt care when he get angry. i didnt use to either. i could just forget te fight and move on, it wasnt important to me. but fuck now when i KNOW what its like......

im like ”ur threatening me to drink coffee” and hes like ”arent u happy i put extra much vanilla for you?? i usually drink much stronger but i didnt for u? arent u happy i gave u the blanket? i actually was goong to put it on the couch and leave u cold but i didnt?” BUT HE ONLY PUT ECTRA VANILLA SO I WPULD TELL HIM IT TASTES GOOD SO HIS EGO CAN BE BOOSTED

calso he kinda forced me to drink alohol?? i was like ”im feeling like shit if i throw up its tour fault and you will have to clean up” and he’s like ”no you’ll have to clean up” BITCH I SONT EVEN WANT TO DRINK YOURE PUSHING ME

soooo many red flags fuck i really SHOULD leave now when i can and now when im not too emotionally invested. but oMG IM SO CURIOUS!!! we’re so similar yet so different!!! we can relate to each other in some ways the bad thing is that since he actually cant FEEL empathy, he doesnt BELEIVE me even when i tell him the truth. im not sad bc i want to manipulate him. im not even sad that his words are huetful even though they are, because i know he’s fucking weong. im sad because he treats me lile this. im sad because i like HIM!!! i genuinely LIKE HIM!! but he doesnt fucking understand?? he doesnt understand the difference between LIKING someone and LIKING to HANG OUT with someone. i like him because i like HIM I FEEL HIM, he only likes to hang out with me.

he talks about this as ”his way” and ”bot traditional” way of feeling. his version and definition of ”love” and ”affvtion” is so fucking weird??? we were cuddling and he said ”wow u make me feel more” LMAO BULLSHIT. I CALL FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU ONLY SAY THAT CUS U THINK THATS WHAT I WANT TO HEAR

im partly okay with him being low empathy, he cant help it and i actually genuinely believe he believes he’s doing the RIGHT thing. like he believes it so much and... i guess he is?? like what choice does he have? he cant fucking feel, the least he can do is be kind anyways. he cant help that its not genuine and i guess i’ll have to accept that, but i al NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THOSE CHEAP TRICKS. i didnt say anything but i bet he would even understand if i pointed it out. he’d be like ”but its true!! i feel more with you” no bitch, you only say/think that because you WANT to be with me and now when you know thats what i want to hear thats what you say. smhhh

also i remember in the beginning when i kinda confessed and he was like ”it takes time for me to like someone” and in like???? uhhh okay? and i was anxious abt it cus i really didnt understand what the fuck we were and he just kept ”it takes time for me to like someone” to i was like ”okay but its not like im super super deeply in love with you or anything?? like.... i can like people??” BUT NOW I FUCKING UNDERSTAND HE LITERALLY MEANS BASIC ASS EMPATHY. IT TAKES TIME FOR HIM TO FEEL BASIC ASS EMPATHY FOR OTHER PEOPLE

i just dint understand how the fuck he’s able to still have a family and friends and stuff. how..... how can no one care??? i said ”theyre being manipulated” and hes like ”no i just dont think they care. they just like that im kind and dont think much abt it” but both youre not kind??? but when i tell im its not genuine he goes with the ”well we’re all egoists anyqays, we’re all doing things for ourselves, ur egoist too” yeah but i can still FEEL

i dont wanna be a dick. maybe its just me?? maybe its just because i feel so much and thats why i really NEED that genuine feeling?? no, i know why...... fuCK ME!!! i CARE because i like him 😔😔 bc i think hes so smart and interesring and i see him as someone potential and thats why i keep test him like this 😔 and its for no use because i cant change who he is 😔😔 would i care about these things with some other guy??? no. because i sont care abt them, but i care abt him and thats why 😔😔

hes not even guilt tripping me for it (wow ”yay” ) he just doesnt understand. he doesnt understand the difference or why i find it important. he just sees it as ”him being different” and ”him feeling in another way”. thats not it. this is not normal. this is because of childhood trauma and im so fucking sad for you, no offense, youre doing tour best but thats so sad

well anyways, even if i were to accept his WEIRD ASS DEFINITION OF LOVE he STILL needs to fucking stop with his abuse??????!!!! out of the 3 fights he has told me 2 times he’s going to ”try” but bitch WE KNOW HE WONT. HE CANT! HE CANT BECAUSE HE CANT FEEL WHEN ITS ENOUGH. IF HE FELT EMPATHY HE WOULD KNOW WHEN TO STOP. BUT HE CANT. im just waiting for him to explode someday. i literally asked him ”what should i do next time” and he’s like ”idk, i cant tell you what to do”. omg its true. theres nothing i can do, he’d still be so pissed at me no matter what. and me just asking him is such a BIG RED FLAG like we ALL KNOW.... or not him. he’s like ”maybe we wont fight” LMAO HAHAH YEA BITCH NICE TRY BUT WE WILL BC U START IT

hes so fucking sensitive. we had a misunderstanding, he started to scold me, i got mad and he kept gaslighting ”no i didnt scold you” and when i called him out on gaslighhting..... oh boy...... he got SO FUCKING MA, accuses ME of gaslighting him?? accuses me of ”starting” it with my ”passie aggressiveness” ok maybe i was passive aggressive but i WOULDNT IF HE DIDNT SCOLD ME ABOUT IT. i cant ever criticize him because he goes bananas. ok maybe im not the best to criticize others, im very....... bold. BUT I KNOW IM RIGHT??

last time he got angry because i said ”ppl listen to you bc ur a white man” and he started to bring up his childhood, told me im insensitive, theeatened me to hang up, never talk to me again if i didnt ”respect” him aka ”obey” him, he guilt truppen me, told me no one would want to me with me blah blah blah

a part of me is happy u dont really fall for that bullshit. like yes if course im HURT!!! but as i said, im not really hurt because he really is trying to hurt me. he really WANTS to hurt me. he even takes pride in it?? ”im very good at making people feel very good, and im very good at making people feel very bad” it makes me so FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I LIKE HIM I WANT HIM TO SEE AND UNDERSTAND SO HE CAN GROW, THAT IS EMPATHY PEOPLE, THAT IS GENUINE LOVE

we’re so different. we use completely different tactics. when i used to manipulate my ex.... i NEVER did personal attacks like he does. i never used smth personal AGAINST them.... i was more about.... guilt tripping? more about ”u dont love me, pity me”. im not saying thats good, i was horrible but what he does is just MEAN. i dont understand how anyone can keep up with that kind of behavior. i even told him when we fought and he responded ”well i need to keep up with u”. he always does that and that actually hurts because i like him. and he knows that. he always says ”ive been sitting here, listening to you, been kind to you and....” etc. etc

WHYYYYYY am i the only one criticizing him?? WHY is he like this to me? is it because i see through his ugly acting?? is it even possible for us to ever be healthy together? we can learn from each other, no doubt. but is it healthy???

when i tell him i feel bad bc of horrible manipulative and emotional abusive things ive done he understand but hes like...... ”thats ok dont be so hard on yourself, just learn, everyone makes mistakes” but like no?? THIS IS NOT OKAY!!! he also keeps saying i’ll become like him and like ”stop caring” bc ”we cared too much before” but NO I DONT WANT TO BECOME LIKE YOU!! I ADMIRE YOUR THINKING SKILLS AND ID LIKE TO LEARN SOME OF THAT BC WERE POLAR OPPOSITES YOU THINK, I FEEL. YOU CANT FEEL, I CANT THINK AND HANDLE MY FEELINGS

i dont WANT to. thats the difference. im not satisfiera!!! i told him i dont want to apologize to my ex best friend (who i treated like shit) until it feels GENUINE and hes like ”pfft... its better than nothing. she wont know if its genuine anyways” and im like bitch.... i WANT to be genuine because i think she would appreciate it more and I would feel better about it and hes like ”oh so its cus u wanna feel good about it” OH MY GOD HES SO ANNOYING

i really should pack mt bags and run. why did i have to fall for him UGHHHHH. why do i let him treat me like this when i’d never let ANYONE else do it. its so weird, im very picku with guys. i dont fall for ANYONE. i ALWAYS pick nice and kind guys so why him? i thought he was nice, yeah fair enough, but i still like him even though he isnt? i dont think its me being awfullt desperate, i really wouldnt let anyone be like this. like BOY HE BEKIEVES IN FUXKING REVERSE RACISM DO YALL THINK I WOULD HANG IUT WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT??? or maybe i am desperate. yes i am. im desperate for the connection i feel. thats kinda sad. i feel a strong bond to/with him, i feel like we’ve been through some things and i still look up to him and how he has recovered. he gives me hope that i can also be happy one day. I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE HIM but i still want to learn from him. and i sont think i will ve like him because im not a sociopath. i just want to take the good stuff and then become better

omg i really am similar to him. im really here feeling superior. i do feel superior because i can feel. i feel superior and a part of me wants to use him. hes a real challenge. i dont think i can maniplate him, it would be amazing to have him feel something for me...... IH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH A FUCKING MESS. NO THIS IS NOT IT. I DO LIKE HIM IM NOT LIKE HIM. IM NOT THAT FUCKED UP

i get really annoyed when he claims im similar that i also want to control and manipulate and im like NO BITCH WERE SIMILAR BUT NOT HERE, like not when im trying to be calm and grown up and have us silver things, not when im crying because he huet my feelings but................ maybe hes right. or maybe hes just manipulating me??? maybe its both. ofc its both. i WAS HURT, i actually HAD anxiety!!!! if that bastard could feel, he would have known it was GENUIKE. AND HE WOULD HAVE KNOWN IM TRYING TO BE CALM AND AN ASULR BECAUSE HE SURE AS HELL FUXKING ISNT AND I ACTUALLY LIKE YOU BITCH I WANT TO SOLVE THIS FOR MY OWN SAKW TOO SO I CAN BE WITH YOU WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A CHEAP WHORE WITH NO SELF RESPECT.... BUT YES OF COURSE I WANTED HIM TO FEEL FOR ME TOO. IT DISTURBS ME SO MUCH THAR I DONT HAVE AN EFFECT ON HIM HEA LIKE A STONE AND OFC IF ANYONE SAW US FIGGT I’D LOOK LIKE THE CALM ONE. hes wrong though bc i used to think like that too with my ex bff. i used to think damn shes only like that so she can feel superior to be and humiliate me but no. she was right. she was more mature than me and she did what she had to do AND THATS WHAT IM DOIKG TO SO FUCK YOU

only way for me to manipulate him would be sexually. he’s that pathetic. a fucking horny dick, thats what he is. but it wouldnt even be manipulation because honestly if hes that fucking horny then its his choice. its not like i’d ever r*pe him, i dont even wanna have sex with him that guy has some HIGH STANDARDS i feel like a virgin next to him but since im not he would also expect more smh. i dont even dare to kiss him back. im only used to virgins so they dont have any experience lmao but... fuck i cant this time

he’s so cockt though for real. he brags about this and that all the time which is kind of his charm..... if it wasnt for the fact that hes always so competitive and serious LMAO. like it would really hurt his ego if i questioned him. imagine me telling him his sex, kisses, brain/psychology or smth was bad. i swear to god he would want to scold me and call me some real nasty things but he probably wouldnt

#diary #jo

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