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#ive never agreed with something more
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I remember back when i joined this fandom that the prevailing opinion on Jaime was “he’s not on a redemption arc, he’s on an identity arc”. And like I guess it’s not actually wrong to say that identity is a big part of Jaime’s arc. But the thing is that every pov in this series grapples with identity, so thats not a theme exclusive to Jaime. And, why do redemption and identity have to be mutually exclusive? Jaime is trying to do better….AND he’s still a member of House Lannister and a son of Tywin Lannister. If anything, that particular identity makes his story more interesting imho. Then we can have cooler conversations about the extent of redemption and what not idk
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falled-over · 5 months
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#photos of my guitar my dad posted to his blog years back when he bought it#it’s the most beautiful guitar in the world. it feels warm and alive to play#as you can see in the first two pics it used to have a newer pickup installed on the bottom. luckily he found an era appropriate online#it’s from 82 if you were curious#it says squire on the headstock but it was made on the fender line. they bought squire out and swapped in the name soon after this#but he got it a little cheaper than it was worth at the time because people aren’t as autistic as him and don’t know about production lines#basically it wasn’t brand name#basswood body and dark rosewood on the neck 😋✌️#it’s actually a replication of a ‘62 model! which was 20 years old at the time. mines now twice that. isn’t that incredible#i actually saw a modern fender replication of this exact model in an op shop yesterday#for more or less exactly how much this was bought for#dad finished his blog post by saying he thinks this is better made than the original. and despite not knowing the og i’m inclined to agree#people in the comments of his post are saying that this era was supposed to be something special. hehe. they’re right#i’ve played many guitars. i own this one because my dad collects them and he let me try them all out#and i have a lot of friends who play guitar and ive hung out with them to do so#and i’ve never felt one like mine before or since. it’s so obviously beautiful#when i picked it out i hadn’t played much but i knew right away how good it was. i prefer strat bodies because i can hug my torso around#them without getting poked like a tele and the necks are thinner than acoustics (small hands. bad)#unless we’re talking parlour#love a wee parlour. pa has a little one he got for 30 bucks that’s one of my favourites of his#he’s insanely good at finding deals#he fixes them all up#anyway. the body feels#how would you even describe it#heavy. and alive. warm and wet and still full of sap#i feel like it’s breathing#it’s sort of the only thing that motivates me to be better. i could cry just thinking about it. i want to be good enough to play it
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bisaster-energy · 6 months
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sometimes you have to kill your dad because as long as he's alive you can't breathe
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softshuji · 4 months
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y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.
#i was thinking abt it earlier#but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why#actually i do kinda know why.#i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me#earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject#too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i#was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often#especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d#everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just#cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even#consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural#but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other#peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something#something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they#move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less#sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can#always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response#and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone#it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything#not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i#feel like im not actually being heard or listened to#and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you'#or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore#god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it#for everyone else all the time#is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say#this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice#god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover#and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel#like they actually like me
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transmascrage · 2 years
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I thought we were ugly and dirty. Make up your mind, I gotta know which stereotypes fit me.
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lord-squiggletits · 1 year
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IDW Megatron stans can shit on IDW Optimus all they want but it won’t change the fact that IDW OP has something that IDW Megatron can only dream of having (a post-war character arc that directly addresses his/his race's culpability in historic Cybertronian imperialism and racism).
#squiggposting#like i like them both but it's just one more way that i've changed since ive gotten into this fandom#there are a lot of idw meg stans who shit on idw op for being a cop but like#idk bud optimus' character arc actually dealt with hard questions of culpability and historic prejudice and colonialism#megatron got like one line where he observed how fragile humans are and then at the end he got sent off to trial#that's not an arc that's just token mentions of his past crimes#like idk i came into this fandom as a megatron stan but now i'm just kind of like. in terms of idw? optimus is way better lmao#like sorry optimus is the one who had to deal with cleaning up megatron's messes on earth#optimus is the one who died to save his species (and earth) by reconciling with an alien who was wronged by the past primes#megatron could never. megatron had to have a whole alternate universe invented for him just to give him something heroic to do lol#some megs stans are like 'he was right!!!' and i'm like#cool. literally everyone agrees functionism was bad in universe#now let's talk about the simanzi massacre and grindcore and the entire fucking technoism thing#it's very annoying lol#like i love megatron too but not when i see ppl acting like he had no flaws#i'm not a megatron anti i just actually acknowledge that he did bad things and can reconcile that#with my enjoyment of his character lol#but yeah this is a mini rant about how tje more idw i read the less of a blind megatron stan i became lol#optimus doesnt have to apologize to megatron for shit
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todayisafridaynight · 11 months
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SORRY in advance for the long ask pleeease take your time and take care, I hope you feel better + get to have a good time at the con or hanging out with your dad :( It means the world to me that you enjoy my stuff though! It did take me a while to notice you were even following me (hence. @ing you on a post you'd already seen gdjfshld) but we got there eventually...
Definitely definitely was expecting to see more of Infinite Wealth at the summit… since the tweets mentioned character introductions but didn't specify for which game, I was under the impression we'd at least be introduced to the as-yet-unidentified voices in the trailer. Gameplay would've been HUGE to include too 😩 I guess it makes enough sense though, since it's not The Upcoming Release...
I shall bide my time. I have no idea what to expect from fall summit (as intended). But if it's going to be a seasonal thing, I figure a potential "winter summit" is the latest it could be to show us gameplay for something that's suppsed to be an early 2024 release, if not just putting out trailers or other showcases and stuff independently.
LEGIT THOUGH IT JUST MAKES IT SOUND LIKE KIRYU IS LYING TO SOUND COOL GDJSKGLDS which is also Arakawa-esque… "maybe I felt like impressing an idiot kid"… If nothing else, I feel like I'll enjoy the dynamic they're going for with those two. Specifically casting Kiryu as a "big brother" figure rather than a father figure also makes me WEEP because the only "aniki" Ichi's ever had is Jo. So it's like... from Jo to Joryu...
Also I just really like the acting choices by the mocap actor for Kiryu, I feel like we've never really seen him move that… casually? His mannerisms also 100% make him look like he's lying lol like there are multiple "tells" it's so funny
I glossed over the proposal (because I expected that to be the main topic anyway, being the only dialogue scene we got) but I completely agree with everything that's been said, basically. Reverse chick magnet for life… but I do expect there's more to it than meets the eye because summit is pretty focused on "generating buzz," so the fact it feels so out of place is probably what they were banking on.
Because like, on top of everything mentioned, Ichiban is portrayed as an entirely passive participant in the romances in 7, and IIRC for Saeko and Eri he wasn't really even fully aware they were into him. So for him to not only be the one to propose but bomb so hard a seasoned hostess (as Kiryu points out in JP)--who'd rather be groped than subjected to Weird Shit--blew up at him and there was fallout from Adachi and Nanba is a huge deviation from how he's portrayed.
It's also kind of like, to me, the translation says something a little different than what was actually being said; Ichi's emphasis wasn't really on the fact she rejected him (implying he expected her to accept + placing more importance on his own feelings vs hers), but the fact she "chewed him out" (implying he should've known better in the first place than to ask).
Of course, he's apparently planning on trying again so he is hoping she'll accept eventually, and the general tone of the interaction suggests he should've known better regardless, but both say something slightly different about his characterization in this scene to me. There's also TL weirdness with Ichi saying Kiryu seems like a good dude rather than just… him explaining that he doesn't mean anything bad by saying he doesn't seem like a ladies' man, which is a bigger mistake but less consequential, I guess.
There's also Saeko's line from the original teaser, "You say that like you're proposing," so it would seem she's already caught off guard (i.e. not taking it seriously yet) and not too thrilled with the idea (provided it's the same convo). I don't really have much to go off of, but if they are in a relationship, I can only assume either she's made it clear she doesn't want to get married or his proposal method was just That Bad, or they're not in a relationship.
In the latter case all I have to pull from is other media with characters who are somewhat like Ichi, but it made me think of times I've seen characters propose for legal or financial reasons or etc. and get Totally Owned, and I'd honestly find that a believable Ichi Situation… Ichi thinking like 50 steps ahead and not explaining himself properly and just Making Saeko More Mad… I'm just musing, though.
Yokoyama and co. were--if I heard right--being pretty cagey about whether they ARE in a relationship in the first place though, which strikes me as odd compared to RGGS' openness about Kaito's ex in the Lost Judgment DLC. So… definitely not beating the red herring allegations just yet, at any rate. Especially when said DLC involves a fake-out on a proposal lmao
Putting all that aside since we can't make any definitive statements anyway, I AM going to make the definitive statement that literally every single design in Gaiden so far is indeed drippy as hell.
such is the cruel fate of being shadowbanned on this webbed site I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream etc etc ( ╯-╰ ; ) but we did get there! and i very much do enjoy what you post :]
if there's nothing for fall summit (though i'm going to hope a lil there will be since that's what. three months from now) then there'll definitely be something for winter summit. if the idea is that there's more of a focus on gaiden since its release date is sooner, then it's fair to assume- with that logic- the winter one'll have the bulk of LAD8 news and demos. either way, im excited for both to see what both of them bring us !
ignoring the elephant in the room of the proposal thing, i also really liked the vibe of it all (and ive also been trying reeaaally hard to make a joke connecting jo and joryu since that's also a bit i enjoy) (❁´◡`❁) i did like that lowkey feel and just the casualness of the atmosphere and the slight awkward/uncomfortable-but-not-overly-offended-and-even-minorly-comedic energy from kiryu lmao. cant ever go wrong with having a scene that's there to slow everythin down a bit, and it does help set up a kind of homely/familial vibe ♪(´▽`)
i dont need to comment any more on the proposal thing either LMAO everything ima say i been repeating for the past. X asks 😩
and with that. yeah everyone looks FIRE as hell in gaiden (EXCEPT nishitani ima be 100%.... idk the loud primary colors aren't doing it for me.... points for the nails and hair though) 😩
#long post#snap chats#laying down when youre gloomy is dangerous i passed out despite really hating naps jLAEKJ#my dad texted me today saying we wouldn't be able to hang out and i was reminded to answer this ask gjVLKJLKWEJ#needless to say im still not having the best of days. or months apparently ☠️ but moving on from all that#uhh. yeah no i think i said everything i need to say#im pushing my brain to think of anything to say im really out of it#i know if i dont do it now tho i never will cause when i shirk somethin its virtually nonexistent in my mind ajrLKjVLK#at the very least the 'ladies man' comment is definitely not. 'less consequential' if twitter is anything to say LMAO#mostly just jokes of course ik ik For Real Non Consequential but my eyes are still seeing it every other post SO.#on that note. i forgot my personal rule of not commenting on scripts OH NO#i dont understand japanese and at this point i cant trust what english translators provide and evidently the differences can be big#sooo im just gonna. eat shit i guess LMAO IDK#i already done said i have no more notes bout the proposal bit and i dont#i can just say Yeah Thats About Right when it comes to agreeing with whats been said#just feels underwhelming to only say that tho.... but theres no other way i can say it without restating#i myself just feel underwhelming as of late but thats a personal ish jALKJKLJ#in any case my dad said he'd send me pizza money as an apology or something and tbh ive been craving pizza all week anyway for some reason#even if he doesnt i might just get a small pizza for myself and then only eat a third of it cause my stomach's the size of a peanut
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dcminions · 1 year
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i’m gonna say smth that may have been controversial years ago but is prob more acceptable now but i hope they never make a marauders show or movie or anything. not only bc fuck jkr but also bc that fandom is one of the few that literally built itself up from SCRAPS like they took maybe ten minutes of screen time in total and like less than a thousand words in a whole book series and made it into this whole ass fucking series of it’s own so other than fanmade shit there’s no way anyone’s doing it justice like no fucking way esp not if that lady has anything to with it like wolfstar??? bye we’d be lucky if they even so much as breathed in each other’s general direction let alone lesbian marlene or the intricacies of regulus and sirius or literally anything that the fandom created and doted on and thought up. it’s depressing to think about but fr fr it’s better if it stays something yall blog abt and make tiktoks abt bc that shit should never happen or else it would just disappoint everyone
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years
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...
#today in things that stress me out. my academic interests have diverged significant from what i do in the lab#which is nice on one hand bc i am v passionately interested in something sciency again and it feels like its been a while since that#happened. but on the other hand it means that my workaholic tendencies are no longer being applied to my actual job#like im kind of just doing normal hours for like actual job stuff. which stresses me tf out bc i never feel like im doing enough#and my overdoing it has transfered over to drawing way too much in one sitting while listening to paleo podcasts and trying#to memorize the geologic time scale#so im still overextending bc im focused all the time and i dont sleep enough but its not applied to my job#and part of my brain cant handle that so it forces me to suffer no matter what. sigh. stupid exhausting brain#and i know im being irrational about it which somehow makes it worse#but idk i guess maybe its a little more healthy bc im trying to do something i like in my free time. even if im still overdoing it#like idk if i can express how exhausting it is to like something but ur brain forces u to think abt it all the time and feel guilty abt#thst being ur focus but u cant help it. and its like grinding chalk into the sidewalk. i just burn out on the things i like so fast#bc i cant regulate. im astounded that ive been on this narut0 kick for like 7months bc so often my obsession makes me so tired#but here i am. still staying strong dattebayo hahaha. nah it has been nice not to find anything new tho lol#sigh... idk i just got way way too close to like full on mental collapse with my photosynthesis measurements so im trying to get the#warmth back into my body before i have to jump back into that frozen water#i think i have at least another month before the machines get back and then ill have at least 3 or 4 projects to run samples for#was it wise of me to agree to doing all that? no absolutely not. but the data will be interesting#and itll be helpful. and literally no one else wants to do it so here i am. damaging myself for science. ay ay ay#whatever. im going off to do field work next week with my boss so maybe thatll get me out of my head#unrelated
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charlieism · 2 years
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literally all i want is to go in for an autism diagnosis or something
#every like. test ive taken online is always like yeahhh probably? but not super strongly right#but i fundamentally am bad at filling in those kinda things bc idk what the threshold for answers like strongly agree agree etc is#and i dont always agree fully w one part of the question but i will strongly agree with half of it so like what then#and all the things abt social interactions like. i CAN meet people and i am good at it but thats bc ive LEARNED what makes ppl comfortable#its like putting on a little character. im still me im just acting more confident and extroverted bc that makes everyone happier. LEARNT IT#honestly tho like even if i went in and they like nah u just a bit weird. itd be good. bc then at least id know for sure yknow#i let go of this a while ago but i had a MASSIVE conversation w my sister yesterday abt all these fucking traits and things we've done our#whole lives some of them overlapping but just like. a lot of internal things. that we dont think are normal neurotypical behaviour. we got#v in depth abt it but most of that stuff isnt on the questionnaires obviously i guess lol. like idk if itd be autism or whay#but i stg its something and she swears on her life she thinks so too and wanted us diagnosed when we were younger but mum wouldnt hear it.#but at the same time like is it masking or am i actually just introverted and an actor. is me never looking ppl in the faces unless we're#alrdy friends which leads to completely not recognising ppl i should know neurodivergent or just me. is the way i remix words and say them#aloud to myself vocal stimming or just weird. my constant need to fidget w rings and hair? not that weird. my little routines while driving#like tapping my foot when we pass a driveway? who knows.#ID LIKE TO KNOWWWW i want some conclusive results lmao#jay rambles
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leviathiane · 2 years
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YEEHAW A LAD GOT A NEW JOB
#depths' talks#went to the showcase celebration for my campus magazine today and finally met a bunch#of my art/writing woorkshop peers today!!!!#one of them offered to pay me for editing the novel hes writing!!!!!#ive never edited a full length published work like that but#he was so sweet about it#he was like 'listen during our workshops your writing was really good; and you gave feedback in a way that was both critical and encouraging#and asked to trade contact info to help him with his book#i ABSOLUTELY agreed. ive read his work before in said workshops#hes an older asian war vet immigrant#hes got really interesting stuff to say. his writing was genuinely captivating to read#its all just got a lot of technical issues. pacing padding and grammatical fixes and sentence structure variation#all things i am more than equipped to help with#im so excited sakjdnbhads not just for the money but to help out and also get more official works on my resume LMFAO#my first and only true book publishing was for nonfiction as a youth mental health survey#everything ive published and posted officially has been short form works like poetry prose and flash fiction#itll be nice to work on something a bit more respected in a way? not that my other accomplishments ARENT respectable#but this will give my experience and rep a good hefty boost#plus it means i have a summer job sdajnbhdasjnds one that PAYS#tutoring pays well but its semester adjacent#i dont usually post irl stuff on this tumblr bc its fandom work specific but YEE FUCKING HAW#also bc i promised a couple readers to inform if/when i published original work#of which i already have plenty of actually if anyone wants my OG stuff
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viosjaan · 1 month
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i don't think you want anything to do with me anymore so i can just vent the texts i want to send to you here
#i am sorry#truly genuinely#ive been trying to justify it to myself that we weren't technically together and you said go kiss other people ill still be here meet your#needs in the way you want#but i think it was#yesterday#this guy flirted with me and i flirted back but then suddenly this wave of disgust and self loathing hit me#like what am i even doing#how could i have done that#you were sitting there thinking we're okay you thought we were still together and im just in a bad mood going thru one of those depressive#episodes you were so understanding when you shouldn't have been because if i say im in love with you i should be there for you every step#of the way.#but you go through so much shit alone and im never there for you or atleast not there for you a lot of times and then i blame you for#liking your bestfriends more like it's so stupid obviously love should be reliable stable#and we were something na. we were everything except the label#i should have told you the moment i started feeling empty and dissatisfied again#but just. this isn't an excuse but like i didn't want to hurt you by bringing up this same fight for the one thousandth time#we agreed that you're not in the position to give more and i agreed to be okay with it and i really was.#but i can't help myself i want to give you everything i hate that feeling that i need to be less love less WANT less. mujhse nahi ho pata#i wasn't lying or pretending to be okay with it i was TRYING my best to be okay with it because i love you and this was the only way to#not lose you forever#now i just want to move on fr and be just friends with you. i can't lose you as a person but i don't know how to make this up to you#i am physically incapable of being in this situationship i want a relationship or a friendship i can't with this in between#which is what i told you in jan. i remember my chest actually feeling heavy with fear bc i was so scared of hurting you and getting hurt#again. jokes on me my worst fears came true all the progress we made by taking space is lost#i don't know if you really deleted my playlist. i tried to listen to more songs from it but they're so. lovely. talking about epic grand#love. which we have. but it's like waving a candy in front of a kid and snatching it away it hurts too much to have all the feelings and#none of the relationship. now that ive talked to some people in the romantic sense i get it#you were my best love my most perfect love there are no flaws there's nothing anyone else can do that can be equal or more to what you did#but idk it isn't meant to be maybe there's no future
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shivermewhiskerz · 1 year
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Suddenly very uh oh in the brain this is fun !!!!!!!!
#it’s bc like#i have to go somewhere in June for a month and a half that I really don’t want to go to because it’s 9 hours away from my house and it’s#with people I don’t really want to be alone with for that long and I’m just. eughhhhg.#like yes I agreed to it yes it probably won’t be that bad but I know I’m going to be stuck there until the time ends#i don’t want to fucking go but I can’t back out of it now it’s too last minute and I know it would start something even if it wasn’t#i hate dealing with this shit why cant I just have somethjng normal for once#i wish it were either they were out of ky life entirely or my parents were still married#i don’t like switching between households even if it’s only gonna be once a year now#i hate it#ive always hated it I never wanted to deal with this I hate this and I just want to get away for once#but even when I thought I was free it came circling back to bite me in the ass like it always does I’m so#I’m just tired#I’m done#I’m just. done. i don’t want to do this anymore#it’s so much more than what I’m explaining it as but i don’t want to have this anymore I hate it#and my mom said ‘if you don’t want to go just say so’ But I Cant do that bc it’ll start something and I know it will I know how they are#they don’t seem to understand that my entire childhood I will never forgive or forget any of that#I’m NOT forgiving I’m NOT forgetting but I’m so fuckinf done fighting#it’s so fake they’re so fake everything feels fake#they’re trying to be a happy family with me but it’s not working#it’s just my moms ex husband and his wife#his wife* idk if that typed right#but anyway I don’t consider them family#i forget they even exist sometimes and then I’m reminded and it’s that feeling of dread all over again#i just want to get the fuck away from this I hate it so much
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slurpingnoise · 1 year
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today an old man of a customer tried to preach at me about how shit like ink at my job shouldn't be locked up and how everything seems to be behind lock and key at stores now a days as he said. I said yeah its like at target when they have SHAMPOO locked up now and he goes yeah!!!! I say if people are stealing shampoo there is a much larger problem then theft people are stealing things that most would deem necessary to keep clean. why is that under lock. he says I never thought about it like that. hopefully I just changed some 70 year old man's mind about a portion of the world
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mrfoox · 1 year
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Uh.... Kinda brought up an topic which was tough but it was okay....?
#miranda talking shit#As usual i never said all i thought bc i always have so much on my mind#But ... Basically mentioned that people but is the recent case oliver can feel like hes too careful with me#So ofc he clarified that he doesnt and just generally liked to be nice and not rude and i buy that but kept on saying#That people in my past also have thought i am more fragile and maybe proper than i actually am#And that im a very uncomplicated person when it comes to some things. For example how i feel about other people#They can tell me and do anything and that wont make me suddenly dislike them or drop them. If i like a person already#... Theres a point where i do not care what else they have done or do? At least ive not encountered anything that have changed it for me#Ive never met someone who killed someone or something but... Who have opinions or have done things or do things which i dont care about#For example drugs. I havent tried anything and probably wont but i know multiple who have or are using and that doesnt make me... Think#Less of them? So. I explained that and said that he had never said something to me that has hurt me or something. Or then i brought up#The incident a few weeks ago and said that time i got hurt. But then i cried for an hour and realized he probably said what he said#Bc he was scared and worried. And it wasnt about me at all. So then i was just ... Fine. I wasnt planning to say anything about that even#But told him anyway. And then touched on the topic that i... Do things... Without thinking about it in the moment#And then realize afterwards its somewhat intentional? And its not something i like to say bc i feel like a bad person?#We didn't discuss that much bc he had to go so idk if ill even bring that up again unless the topic is close but yeah.#He said it was a good talk and i agree. Im always worried to share anything i think or how i work with people bc i fear they'll think im#Weird. But i did it and he seemed fine and i was stable enough. I think he wont care and thats what i like about him but also#I know bc we are so different... It's more likely we misunderstand each other. And honestly i cant shake the feeling i scare him a bit#Bc i feel so much and i want to talk about everything. Thats why i somewhat hesitate to say some things#He also said he have a history of. Dropping people or having his opinion of someone shift bc of something. Thus then it make sense#He got freaked out by me that time. Bc he thinks in his terms and for him others can be changed by small incidents so he thought i had#Changed mine. Thus the 'ive ruined it. I ruined our relationship and it was so good' It should scare me more that he said that his opinion#Of others can change so quickly and big. Bc... Im anxious but for some reason i.. Dont feel worried about that? Maybe bc i have always had#The mindset that people will leave me in the end no matter what and that i always care more about someone than they me. So i dont expect#Anything of anyone i like... But today was interesting talk tbh. I love discussing things with him. He's so different from me it's fresh#Possibly my autistic ass being hyperfocused on him and intrested bc of that. This is kinda how i was with Fabian at some point#He felt like an interesting individual bc he was so different from me so i was obsessed with talking with him about things#I enjoy it and i wont share how i think so i dont scare anyone so.... Should be okay
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rafeandonlyrafe · 2 months
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dealer
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words: 2.5k
warnings: 18+ only!, smut, female receiving oral, mentions of p in v sex, kind of shy/anxious!reader, dealer!rafe, no drug taking is actually done but mentions of weed and coke
“tina, i love you, i really do, but im not buying weed for you.”��
“its not buying! ill give you the money, just go pick it up from my dealer for me.” tina hands you a wad of cash, forcing it into your grip.
“what if i get caught with it?” you question, nerves already flooding your system. you aren't a complete straight edge, you're willing to drink occasionally and you've been to a couple parties before, but illegal drugs are way out of your comfort zone.
“relax, it's just weed! it's not like im having you buy coke from him or something.” tina laughs, and you wonder how this wild child became your best friend. 
“he sells coke?” you squeal.
“listen, babe.” tina places her hands on your shoulders. “you need to live a little. get out of your comfort zone. im not saying you need to take drugs, but you can at least go and pick some up for me.”
“fine.” you sigh, pocketing the cash.
“great!” seeing tinas wide smile, gracing her gorgeous face, is the only reason why you actually agreed to this. “he already knows im sending you to pick it up. he says it has to be today and ive got work.”
“you knew id agree?” you question. 
“of course.” tina shrugs. “you're my best friend.”
“alright, alright. good point.”
--
your eyes are wide as you approach the imposing house. you hesitate on the front porch, but ultimately force your hand to raise and knock on the door.
it opens a few moments later, and you’re not sure why you're surprised at the sight of the dealer. he’s put together and handsome, whereas you expected him to look disheveled and strung out, but you suppose that's more of the user than the seller.
“y/n?” he questions, looking you up and down. you hesitate to respond, your name sounding so smooth and silky coming from him. “picking up for tina?” “oh!” you nod quickly. “yes, yeah. sorry.”
the dealer smiles at you, clearly amused by your nerves. “i’m rafe. come in.”
you follow rafe into the house, shutting the door behind you. he leads you into the living room, gesturing for you to sit on the couch. you slide onto the soft material, not sure if this is normal or not, you’ve never bought any sort of drugs before.
“can i get you something to drink?” rafe asks.
“uh-” you clear your throat, looking around the living room to avoid making eye contact. “water is fine.”
rafe nods, leaving you alone in the spacious room before returning with two glasses of water, one with ice and one without.
“didn’t know if you wanted ice or not, take whichever.” rafe sets them both in front of you on the coffee table, and you reach for the one without ice, taking a polite sip. you’re too nervous to really drink it, but want to be courteous. you’re not sure if rafe is dangerous, he doesn’t really look it, but he must be by nature of being a drug dealer.
“let me grab you tinas weed.” rafe says, exiting the room again to return a moment later, with a baggie of weed in his hand. he sets it on the table, taking a seat on the arm chair across from the couch, facing you.
“tina gave me $50.” you say, pulling the cash out of your pocket and setting it on the table next to the weed. “is that good?”
“yes its good.” rafe laughs, not even bothering to grab the cash off the table and count it.
“i-i don’t smoke.” you say, unsure why you felt the need to make the confession. “or do any drugs. so i don’t really… know anything.”
“would you like me to teach you?” rafe asks, making your eyes widen as you shake your head no.
“i just wanted to explain why i’m so nervous.” you say, hands wringing together on your lap, wanting to escape the house.
“its cute.” rafe simply says with a shrug.
“whats cute?” you hum, confused.
“how nervous you are. you’re adorable.” rafe explains, making you blush and stare at the floor, muttering a quiet thank you.
“i should go now.” you say, needing to get out of under his intense gaze.
“let me walk you to the door.” rafe says, standing. you grab the bag off the table, putting it into your back pocket, regretting not bringing some sort of purse or bag to carry it in.
you stand up, tracing your steps through the complex house back to the front door. “thank you.” you say when rafe opens the door for you.
“no problem, y/n.” rafe practically purs your name out. “tell tina to call me when she gets home from work.”
“did i do something wrong?” you question, suddenly worried until rafe lets out a soft laugh. 
“not at all, baby.” you want to jump at the pet name, but simply nod and head out the door, not glancing back even though you can feel rafes intense eyes on you.
--
“rafe wants you to come to the party this weekend.” tina says.
“no.” you shake your head. “no way.” “come on.” tina flops onto your bed, batting her eyelashes at you. “he said he’d give me my weed for free if i get you to come.” “tina, no! he’s… he’s too intense.” “oh my god.” tinas jaw drops open. “did he flirt with you?” “i… i think so? he called me cute and-” you can’t even finish your sentence as tina screeches. “oh my god!! y/n you have to date him, he’s like the biggest catch on the island!”
“he is a drug dealer, tina! i’ve never even smoked weed and he fucking sells coke.” you whisper the last bit.
“he doesn’t like his girls to do drugs anyways.” tina shrugs. “it’s been like a year since he dated anyone though, and i’ve genuinely heard he’s a really good boyfriend. you remember lily? she was so sad they had to break up, said she only did because her family was moving to california.”
“how good of a boyfriend can a drug dealer be?” you question, not sure how it would be to be mixed up in that world, even if rafe was clearly small time, selling only to his peers on the island.
“think about it.” tina says. “he has a ton of cash, can buy you whatever you want, can get me free weed.” “what if i don’t want to fuel your addiction?” you question, but a smile plays on your lips. tina only smokes every once in a while, and she is by no means addicted, otherwise you wouldn’t agree to have bought the drug for her.
“please come to the party.” tina says, completely switching the subject. “for me.” she pouts, causing you to groan and lean your head back against the pillow while tina thanks you, knowing that means you’ve conceded to her.
--
“y/n.” the voice that you would recognize anywhere purrs into your ear. you whip around, coming face to face with rafe. “i’m glad you could make it.”
“i came because tina asked me to.” you say honestly. 
“ill make sure to get her her weed for free then.” rafe says with a nod, keeping true to his word.
“why did you want me to come?” you question.
“is it not obvious?” rafe raises his eyebrows. “i like you.”
“oh.” you blush, dropping your gaze down. “um… thanks. i like you too.” you know it's in a different way than rafe was implying, but honestly don't know what to say in response.
“yeah?” he questions, a smile playing on his face, completely ignore the guy who you assume must be his friend as he walks by and slaps rafe on the shoulder in greeting. “you like me the same way i like you?”
“it depends i guess…” you're truly trying to flirt back at this point, hoping your nerves don't give your voice a quiver. “how do you like me?”
“well.” rafe smirks, his eyes slowly sinking down your front, looking over your party outfit, a tight dress that tina insisted that you wear, borrowed of course out of her closet. “i want to get to know you better. take you out on a date. show you a good time. kiss you.” rafe leans in, teasingly close until you're able to feel his breath over your mouth. “and if you'd let me, take you up to my room. show you a good time.”
“oh.” you blush, cheeks surely flaring red. you have to clench your thighs together slightly, and it certainly doesn't go unnoticed by rafe. “i guess you could take me out on a date.”
“perfect.” he smiles, another grin that makes you want to melt into a puddle on the floor. he glances towards the door as a new man walks in, looking out of place compared to everyone else, his long black hair tied up in a ponytail. “ive got to go work for a bit, doll. enjoy my party with your friends, ill find you before the night is over.” he leans in, head turning at the last minute to press a delicate kiss to your cheek. 
rafe walks away and greets the man, his demeanor instantly changing from flirty and sultry to smiling and friendly as he claps hands with the new man, who you hear rafe call him barry.
“holy shit, holy shit!” tina runs up to you. you didn't even realize she was watching the entire interaction, so caught up in rafe.
“he wants to take me on a date!” you whisper-scream to tina, well aware that rafe is only on the other side of the room.
“you said yes, right?”
“girl, of course!” --
“hello beautiful.” rafe smiles as you open up the door. you’re glad that your parents are gone for the weekend. they never really care who you’re dating, having developed a lot of trust in you, but you didn’t even want to introduce them to rafe.
“hey rafe.” you smile back, accepting the kiss onto your cheek when he leans forward.
“got us a nice reservation at the country club.” rafe says, hand coming to the small of your back as he leads you towards his truck. he helps you climb in, not wanting you to fall in your heels.
“im really excited.” you admit after rafe rounds the hood and gets into the drivers seat, smoothly backing out of your long driveway.
“not nervous?” rafe questions, calling back to your meeting.
“im not buying drugs from you, so i think im okay.” you giggle, although you do have a bit of anxiety building, but only in the form of slight butterflies in your stomach.
“i like that you’re not a part of that scene.” rafe says, reaching over and looping your fingers together, resting your joined hands on the center console.
“you probably have a lot of girls try to date you to get stuff for free.” you assume.
“yeah.” he admits with a sigh. “don't get me wrong, i get it comes with what i do, but its frustrating to never know if someone is seriously into me.” you’re surprised by rafes confession, seemingly overly intimate and vulnerable for someone with his persona. you lean across the seats as he stops at a red light, pressing your lips to his cheek.
rafe smiles at you, squeezing your hand in appreciation. “can’t wait to kiss you when i drop you off back home.”
“talking about kissing me and haven’t even taken me on the actual date yet?” you say with a laugh.
“baby, i could take about eating you out or taking you from behind or kissing you. all of them are going to happen very soon.” your cheeks turn red as you swallow, suddenly turning silent as rafe pulls into the country club.
you’re not surprised how rafe is recepted as he leads you inside, the wait staff not even having to ask his name, already calling him mr. cameron before leading you towards the reserved table.
“this is really nice.” you admit with a whisper. you’ve never been inside of the country club before. you had heard that they have a pool, golf course, a bar restaurant area and then the fancier restaurant that you’re currently in, but you never had any reason to join.
“only the best for you, gorgeous.” rafe says with a smooth grin.
the dinner goes by just as smooth as his smile. its a set menu by the chef, but you found everything to be delicious, and feel perfectly filled by the end of it, not too stuffed but not hungry for more. you also feel like you know rafe much better, the conversation easily flowing.
its no surprise when rafe drives you back home that his hand lands on your thigh, even managing to creep underneath your skirt and touch your bare skin without you hollering and pushing his hand away like you would with any other guy.
“about that kiss…” rafe says when he gets you back home, standing on your doorstep.
“kiss and then what else were you talking about?” you hum, already knowing you’ve got a wet sport formed on your underwear just from his hand on your leg. “eating me out and taking me from behind?” “are you saying i can do all of those things tonight?” rafe smirks. he didn’t expect to get in your bed after one date, thinking he’d have to work a whole lot harder to convince you, but you are far too needy to deny him entry.
“i certainly won’t tell you no.” you smile, the grin quickly wiped off your face when rafe leans in, one hand on your cheek and the other moving to your waist, pulling you in tight to his body as his lips devour yours, mouth hot and wet against yours.
you fist a hand in his shirt, needing some sort of stabilization as you kiss for all your neighbors to see, moaning into his mouth when his hand moves lower to grip your ass, feeling the plump flesh under the fabric of your skirt.
you pull away from the kiss only to take a step backwards into the house, rafe quickly following you in. you practically race up to your room, trying not to seem too desperate.
the illusion is broken when rafe finally gets between your legs, having slowly undressed you and pressed kisses all over your body, showing special attention to your chest but ignoring your pussy until he was also naked, now laid between your spread thighs.
“such a pretty pussy for me baby.” rafe coos. “all mine now, understood?” “yeah, yeah.” you nod. “all yours.” you think to yourself that you will have to thank tina for begging you to pick up her drugs that day, and all the convincing shes done since as rafe leans forward, tongue swiping through your folds.
you let out a moan, hand reaching down to grip rafes hair as he moves upward, sucking your clit into his mouth.
yeah, you’ll definitely have to thank tina.
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