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inkskinned · 5 months

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yesterday while feverish i wrote about how boats can moor next to each other like pigeons, cooing with the gentle rap of water against their hull. you once said that that the way i see things - birds in the water, feathers in marina paint - was "childish and naive." you said i'd been misdiagnosed - "it can't all be adhd. you might be just kind of stupid and lazy."

i still do certain things like how you taught me - turn the pillow case inside out before putting it on. drive defensively. hate myself entirely.

the prompt for this poem is "mahler's fifth." i wish it wasn't, but mahler's fifth was our song. it ended up in my book. every person that knows your name has promised me they'll give you one swift rabbit punch, right to the face. dean read the book and showed up on my front porch, drenched in sweat from running the 8 miles at 4 in the morning. he was shaking. pacifist and gentle - he works with children - i'd never seen him furious. a punch isn't going to do it, he said, and then said i'm sorry. i had to come to see if you were okay.

mahler's fifth was mine first, like my girlhood. i like the way each movement piles onto the next movement, each instrument bleeding into the next. i like the horn version the best. before i met you, i danced to it on grass still-wet from sprinklers.

later you would tell me that the way you heard it was somehow better. you understood something in it that i couldn't quite wrap my fingers into. once, on our anniversary, you asked the classical music radio station to play it for us. we missed hearing it because we were fighting. one of the things people get wrong about abuse is that sometimes victims are, like, brutally aware of the stupidity of our situation. what do you mean that you thought i wasn't good enough for you? you? you're just... nothing.

sometimes people can pull the poetry out of your life. i watched my words become clothesline, and then thin out into kite twine. i watched you chew through every good syllable of me. so many good songs and places and moments were ruined. i am glad you didn't like most of my music - less to tie back to you.

but still mahler's fifth. the music swells, and i am 21 and throwing up in a bathroom on my birthday. a woman i will later refer to as lesbian jesus runs a cool hand down my back, her perfect pantsuit starch-pressed. she told me to leave you. she said - and this is true, and not an invention of rhyme or fantasy - i'm you from the future.

i am 22, and i got home from an award ceremony, and i remember you telling me - you act so proud of yourself when you're actually so fucking embarrassing. i took you to disney world. you took my virginity. i gave up visiting spain for a week with my family - i instead choose you, to spend the time just-cuddling. you called it "our fuck week." the music swells. it probably should have been a red flag that for about 3 years - i just gave up on crying. my grandfather died and you said nothing. my uncle died and you ghosted me for 3 weeks. you said i need to protect myself from your ongoing tragedy.

every so often i come back to the memory of one of our last afternoons in person. i had just told you that i wasn't going to law school, despite the free ride - i was going to join a creative writing program. master's in fine arts. i was going to finally do it - i was going to follow my dreams. this blog was already internet-famous. however reluctantly, i would occasionally refer to myself as a poet. i got into umass amherst's writing program for fiction authors. it is one of the the top 5 programs in the country.

wait are you seriously considering actually attending that? dumbfounded, you turned completely towards me in your seat. for the 3rd time in our relationship, you almost crashed the car. you actually want to be a writer?

the first time i went viral, it was for a poem i wrote about you:

he wants to say i love you but keeps it to goodnight because love will take some falling and she's afraid of heights.

every time i see that, i want to throw up. you weren't in love with me, you were in love with the control you had over me. a little truth though: i am afraid of heights. you caught a rabbitgirl and skinned her alive.

mahler's fifth still makes me sick.

give me that back. give me back music. give me back everything i had before you. give me back fearlessness. give me back bravery. give me back a scarless body.

give me back what you took from me.

#nosebleed club #sorry stephen not ur fault #just like. thinking #writeblr #spilled ink #warm up #every time nat is like - oh let me get that for u #im like .... this is a trick right like ur gonna be mean now bc u did something nice rn #so obviously if ur being nice now either u did something mean and im about to learn about it #or you're going to BE mean #or ur gonna hold this over my head forever and i'll never get a nice thing ever again?#and every time nat is like .... babe i just actually like u #lesbian jesus story is 100% real btw. she also told me not to be an event planner #literally changed the shape of my life

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aro-aizawa · 2 years

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ohhhhh i’m starting to think that mayhaps this was a bad time to get caught up w rwby....

#shut up danni #look i am v v susceptiable to thing feeling hopeless #and it triggers my depression like nothing else #so uh. watching something with such high stakes and it starting to feel hopeless? uh. yeah.#anyways atm im at episode 6 of volume 8 so i'm almost caught up #but i am so v worried that when i get to the end of volume 8 it's gonna be another mostly hopeless ending #bc volume 7 ended w salem arriving #and though part of me is THRIVING on the whump and whump potential #in general the rest of me is stressed beyond belief on behalf of my kids #the oscar & salem scene was probably one of the most painful parts #but ohhh penny not having any kind of autonomy makes me want to cry #and i really want the best for neo bc she's just being given orders and not being able to refuse them #so she puts as much sass as she can in carrying out those orders to spite them and it's all bc she's mute that ppl keep ordering her #i really really just want her to strike out on her own - to not be involved in salem and that #hell even if she still loathes ruby and wants to kill her - if she just went her own way and became a third party???#i just. i love neo and i want her to find peace in herself and live happily #bc the road she's going down now is that she'll burn with hatred and anger so passionately #that if she doesn't get what she wants she's going to turn herself to ashes trying to get it #and it would be so sad if she died like that because even just walking away and hiding from everyone is a nicer ending #sigh #but then again this is my curse of forever adoring mute characters #they're always done so dirty by the stories they're in and i hate that

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lovingmattysposts · 6 months

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My Brother's Best Friend Part 6

P1 P2 P3 P4 P5 P7 P8 P9 P10 P11 P12

pairing: y/n and Chris Sturniolo

Summary: you just moved into the sturniolo’s home after some family issues and you’re starting to become attracted to your best friend’s brother and you hated yourself for it. But how could you resist?

warnings: cursing, mentions of family issues,

sorry this took a minute, love yall

xoxo Autumn

Chris pov

"A-Any of it? You don't remember any of it?" She asked looking up at me in almost fear, like she was questioning her own memory. Fuck. I pursed my lips and shook my head slowly, like my brain was rejecting my own response.

She just looked up at me evident hurt plastered on her face, she turned away to hide her expression as she nodded. I just looked down at her opening my mouth to say something but nothing came out.

I saw tears start to pool in her eyes. It felt like a punch in the gut. I'd never seen her cry before. I don't even think Nick has seen her cry. I stepped forwards before she turned without saying anything, basically sprinting towards the front door.

Like she couldn't stand standing in front of me for another second. I looked down, feeling guilt run down my entire body so much it ached.

She told me about what happened with her parents. I know what I said to her, I remembered all of it. It just felt too soon. I don't know. I'm an awful person. She hides her feelings so well, we have that in common. I didn't know my words effected her as they easily slipped off my lips.

I placed my hand on my forehead, before biting my lip and picking my head up letting out a breath.

I couldn't do this again. It wasn't fair to myself. I couldn't do this again.

I didn't meant to hurt her. I just wanted to protect myself. I didn't know meant that me turning into a complete insensitive asshole. That's not who I am and that's all i've been showing her.

"Three days ago I was good enough to kiss, then three seconds later it was just a moment and you don't have any feelings for me, this morning I was a kid, and now I'm pretty?"

I winced at the memory moving through my head. I''ll admit that it was easier to be open with how I feel about her when I was a little drunk. I'm to scared to in person, sober. It was like 15 year old Chris speaking for me while looking at her on the roof, spilling out my thoughts as she looked up at me the way she was.

Then 19 year old Chris woke up and was scared to get hurt again. It wasn't fair to her I get that, but I just wish she knew. But she didn't and she was never going to.

God, I need to burn that notebook. Even drunk seeing her holding it made my heart drop in fear.

I swallowed looking back towards the door.

I knew this would happen. The second she showed up at my front door with a bag the size of her. I knew it. I just hated myself for letting it happen, but not as much as I hated myself seeing her start to cry over my words.

I felt a buzz in my pocket, before sliding out my phone.

From: Elmer

Bro where tf u at?? were about to start

I bit my lip looking back up to the door. Before typing up a reply.

From: Elmer

something came up, i'll catch you later

I sent it before taking a deep breath and turning and walking down the street. I had to make this right.

Y/n pov

Nick sighed running his hands through my hair, as I let out a deep breath. I closed my eyes not my now damp eyelashes brushing my skin. Nick let out a breath.

"Can you tell me what happened?" He asked softly from above me. I went running to Nick's room, due to the fear of Chris bursting through the door to chase after me, newsflash y/n he didn't, but I knew he wouldn't come into Nick's room.

I crying uncontrollably not able to make any words form, just helpless cries. I don't know the last time I cried the way I just did. It might have been a year. Or at least 8 months.

I was like the tip of the iceberg that was already falling over. Just that last final push of being punched in the face by someone I cared about screaming "I don't care and I never did" directly in my face after I let my walls come down.

I let out a breath my cries finally stopping. He just peered down over me. I looked up at him.

"I'm a mess Nick" I breathed. He smiled slightly down at me, making me slightly smiling, then dropping it. I looked down at my hands and peering at the door.

He never came after me. He meant it. He had no idea what happened last night and he didn't see me cry. I swallowed, feeling the familar feeling pass through me like a wave of relazation.

I have to move on, again. Someone hurt me and broke me again. I had let someone gain my trust and they smashed in front of my face, again. How could I be so stupid? So navié. I will never learn.

For the rest of my life I will let someone in and they will burn me. I've never know anything differently. What hurt the most in the dissapointment at myself, was that I told Chris what happened before my best friend.

Chris wasn't the one soothing my cries. Nick was. Chris wasn't the one wiping away my tears. Nick was. I had put my romantic feelings for someone over my friendship with Nick, and I hated myself for it. The worst part was that I was feeling the guilt of the situation Nick had no idea about. Worst of all, It was his fucking brother.

I sighed swallowing, looking up at him.

"I just-" I took a deep breath. "I'm tired of trusting people" I said honestly looking up at him. He nodded. "I get that" He said softly. I closed my eyes.

"I'm not trying to get you to tell me something you don't want to, but did something happen at your mom's?" He asked softly, making my heart clench. Chris didn't have to do anything and I openly told him everything when he didn't ask for it. Nick saying this to me only made me feel like a worse friend.

"My mom kicked me out of the house that's why I came to stay here Nick" I admitted looking up at him. His face didn't wavor and he just nodded looking down at me.

"I just-" I sighed feeling guilty for saying I was crying over my mother when I wasn't. I was crying because his brother punched me in the gut and spit in my face.

"Seeing her, it was just-" I shook my head. He nodded, moving his hand back over my hair. I bit my lip. I hated lying to him. I fucking hated it.

I heard the door start to creek open and my eyes shot to the door, before seeing Matt peeking his head in. I sighed of relief. Matt glanced from Nick to me. He studied my face and I looked away from him, guilt present on my face.

"Is everything okay in here?" He asked his eyes not leaving mine as i avoided is gaze. Nick looked up at him. "Yeah, everything's good" Nick answered for me as I stared at the ground.

Matt shifted on his feet before crossing his arms over his chest. "Y/n, why are you crying?" He asked. I blinked up at him as he stared straight at me. I felt his mind, so much it hurt.

"Matt" Nick said shaking his head. Matt looked from me to him. I sat up sighing. "My mom doesn't love me. Would you like me to alaborate Matthew?" I asked tilting my head at him.

His face dropped and he uncrossed his arms. "Oh uh, I'm sorry i'll just leave you guys be" He said shaking his head and then turning to leave. I sighed laying back down. I'm getting way too good at lying.

I looked over at Nick, who was shaking his head. I smiled over at him.

"Do me a favor" I breathed. He just glanced over at me. "Never let Holton treat you badly" I stated looking at him. His eyebrows furrowed at my statement. He leaned back.

"What does that have to do with anything?" He asked blinking at me. If you only knew. I shrugged. "I don't know. I just don't want anyone to ever hurt you" I said softly, looking down at my hands. He chuckled.

"We've only been on two dates, it's not that serious" He said quietly. I looked up at him smiling. I smiled at him before throwing myself onto him, hugging him. He groaned laughing, holding his arms up, hating physical effection.

"Please don't ever leave me" I whispered laying against him. He reached down patting my head slightly. "There isn't anything you could do to make me go away" He repeated from the other night again. I sighed the guilt slowly eating me alive.

The rest of the night, Nick and I stayed in bed laughing over endless movies and I started to feel better. I knew when I had to come in contact with Chris again, that feeling might change, but for now I was okay. I just needed to not show that he effected me as much as he did.

I don't like guys. I always had too much going on in my own life, guys were the absoutle last thing on my mind. So maybe thats why It happened so fast, because I wasn't used to the feelings of butterflies or wanting a text to come through, or the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach when he flirted with me.

I never ever have caught feelings for someone so quickly with them doing nothing. Showing the bare amount of interest and I was head over heels. Now it was gone. Or at least had to go away.

Starting now there would be no more persuing Christopher Sturniolo. No matter what.

"This bitch has zero common sense" I said lifitng my arm up to the TV. The fifth season of Love Island playing before us. When I didn't hear a response, i turned and looked at him. His eyes were closed with his hand propted behind his head, snoring softly.

I sighed realizing Nick was sound asleep. I leaned over picking up the remote before realizing it was past midnight by now. I clicked off the TV and slowly got up before walking out of the room.

I sighed as I closed the door slowly. This is where I was meant to be. Nick's best friend and not the girl who has feelings for his brother. Or at least trying to not having feelings for.

I closed my eyes before rubbing my eyes and walking over to my room.

No more anxiety because no more feelings for Chris. If anything this would make my life better, not having to worry about my feelings along with the rest of my issues.

I opened my door before turning off the lights and climbing into bed. I needed sleep. I craved sleep. As i closed my eyes I heard my door being swung open and the licks being flipped on.

I sat up and turned towards the door, seeing Chris standing there with a huge bag and then throwing it on the floor. I just stared at him.

"Chris what the fuck are you doing?" I asked glaring up at him. He let out a breath.

"Clothes" He pointed to the bag. I looked down at the bag and then up at him. "What?" I asked shaking my head. He looked down at the bag.

"You're clothes, I got them from your house and a couple books too. I also found some shampoo under your sink if you needed that, I didn't know if you were tired of using our 3-in-1" He said looking over at me. I just blinked at him before standing up and picking up the bag and looking through it.

I looked back up at him as he watched me. “What-What about my mom?” I asked stuttering as I looked at him. How did he go into my house and face my mother?

He shrugged. “Don’t worry about it” he said putting his hands into the pocket of his sweats. I let out a breath, setting down the bag. I glanced over to him.

“Thank you” I smiled. He pressed his lips together and nodded. I just looked at him. No. No. No. y/n.“I’m sorry” he said so quietly I almost didn’t hear him. I swallowed looking down at my hands.

“For what?” My voice hitched, knowing he had more than one thing to apologize for. He sighed stepping forward, making me look at him. He reached up to touch my face, but his hand froze as he put it back down to his sides. He sighed looking down.

“For more than you know” he said looking down at me. I blinked at him feeling the tension in the air, thick and hard. I swallowed aw he looked down at me.

He sighed before turning and starting to walk out. “You’re still the smartest person I’ve ever met” he said turning and looking at me, with a sad smile. My face dropped as the memories from last night came flooding into my brain.

“You're more than enough. You're like the smartest person I've ever met"

I opened my mouth to say something but nothing out. He bit his lip before turning and leaving me alone, again.

I closed my eyes shaking my head before turning and kicking the stupid bag of clothes. I shook my head and put my hands on his head.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to march my ass into his room and smack him so hard in the face. I wanted to tell him to stop messing with me. To stop doing this to me.

He’s stringing me along at a pace I can’t keep up with. I keep getting tripped underneath my feet and then he turned around and picks me back up.

I leaned down picking up a book out of the pile of clothes.

Magnolia parks university by Jessa Hastings

I sighed. My favorite book. I turned towards the door he just walked through. How would he know that? There’s no way he knew that. It was just a coincidence. Right?

The next few days were hazy I’m being honest. I attempted to avoid Chris by hiding in my room forcing Nick to bring me food every now and then.

He hasn’t questioned my lack of activity or the lack of being able to get out of bed. He just excepted the fact that I was going through what I was going through and let me be me.

I heard a small knock at my door and set down my phone seeing Nick looking at me with a smile. I raised my eyebrows as I watched him walk over to my bed and lay down beside me.

“You look happy” I said looking down at my smiling best friend. He sighed turning over on his back. “I think I’m gonna ask Holton to be my boyfriend” he said looking up at the ceiling. I sat up.

“Are you sure? I mean you guys have only been going out like a month” I said looking down at him with furrowed eyebrows. He glanced up at me and shrugged. “I don’t know I’ve been thinking about it. I like him and he likes me so why not try it out?” He sighed.

“Nick you are trying it out right now. You’re going on dates that how you see if you want to date someone. Making it official is like a huge step” I said shaking my head. He sat up looking at me.

“I know it’s a huge step y/n, why do you think I’m asking you about it?” He asked looking at me. “I just think it’s too soon, I mean Nick this would be your first boyfriend. Don’t you think you should give it a little more thought? I mean I haven’t even met the guy yet” I asked looking at him. Scared the death that he was gonna get hurt.

His face hardened.

“I told you I have given it thought. I came to you thinking you would support me on this” He glared at me. I sighed really not wanted to fight with him over this.

“Nick I want to support you on this I just don’t want to see you get hurt” I sighed. “That’s life y/n. When you like someone, you go for it and yeah I might get hurt, but I might not. I have to try. If I never went after what I was feeling I would be sitting in my room overthinking everything he’s said to me. I like him y/n. I cant just let that go” he breathed.

“Nick” I sighed. He held up his hands. “No” he shook his head. “Just because you’ve never been in a relationship doesn’t mean that you can stop me from being in one” he said harshly. I let out a breath.

“Nick that’s not fair. That’s not what I’m saying-“ I breathed. He stood up shaking his head. “You’re not in the business to be giving relationship advice when you don’t know the first thing about a relationship” he said above me. I swallowed feeling his words in my chest. Wow that fucking hurt.

“Nick” I sighed looking up at him. He just shook me off. “No I have plans with Holton, and you know what? I am going to ask him to be my boyfriend and he’s gonna say yes” he scoffed before turning and leaving the room.

I sighed leaning my head against my knees. Wow I felt like shit. Nick and I rarely fight and fighting with him right now was the last thing I wanted to do. It was the absolute last thing I needed to be dealing with right now.

I turned over feeling tears come back to my eyes. Now a famailr feeling that I hated. I was so helpless and I hated it. I hated feeling helpless, but that's all that I felt through my body.

I felt like I constantly needed comfort. I have never felt that way in my entire life. I swallowed closing my eyes at the thoughts. I hated myself for what I was about to do, but i didn't know another option.

I picked up my phone.

to: chris sturniolo

are you up?

I sighed closing my eyes already feeling the guilt wash over me again. I blinked down at the phone after a few minutes, seeing no response. God, I shouldn't have sent it. That was such a mistake. I wanted to delete it. No, I wanted to delete myself. Find Nick and apologize.

My phone buzzed. I sat up looking down at it.

from: chris sturniolo

yes why what's up?

I swallowed. I could say never mind. I could just not respond. But we both know that I'm not strong enough to do that.

to: chris sturniolo

can you come in here please?

I bit my lip as I saw the three dots pop up.

from: chris sturniolo

y/n. why

I shook my head, feeling the tears pool again threatend to spill over for what felt like the millienth time today. I was desperate.

to: chris sturniolo

chris please i'm begging.

He typed.

from: chris sturniolo

you don't have to beg, i'm coming

I closed my eyes, leaning back against the headboard as I waited for Chris. A few seconds later he peeked his head in and walked in. His face immediatly softened when he saw my face.

"Hey, what's going on?" He asked quietly as he walked into the door, slowly closing the door behind him. I sighed looking at my lap shaking my head. He walked over to me sitting on the bed next to me.

"Hey, look at me" He whispered. I looked up at him as he scanned my face with his eyes, trying to understand why I was upset. I swallowed and closed my eyes.

"Do you think I'm a bad friend?" I asked quietly blinking my eyes open. He furrowed his eyebrows looking at me. "What?" He asked quietly back. I sighed leaning my head back.

"Do you think I'm a bad friend?" I asked again. Chris stayed silent next to me. I turned my head towards him as he looked at me. "I know that we're not-" I stopped shaking my head.

"But to Nick-" I sighed feeling my eyes swell again. "Hey" He whispered pulling me into him. I let out a shaky breath as he wrapped his arms around me. I breathed in his scent, feeling his embrace.

"I don't think you're a bad friend y/n" He sighed from above me. I glanced up at him. "Don't cry" He whispered wiping under my eyes. I wiped my nose and sighed.

"Nick told me he wanted to ask Holton to be his boyfriend" I explained. I closed my eyes. "And I told him I was worried it was too soon and I didn't want to see him get hurt and he got so mad and-and-" I choked. Chris rubbed my arm with his hands that were around me.

"Hey, hey, hey" He said softly. I looked up at him. "You're not a bad friend. A bad friend would agree with everything he ever said, and you don't. That makes you an amazing friend" He breathed looking down at me. I bit my lip, trying to believe him.

"You're in a senestive place right now y/n, you're not a bad friend. You're just in your head. You know Nick, he's probably just scared and deflecting it onto you. It's not your fault. You just have to let him come to you" He said smiling down at me.

I nodded sitting up, him releasing his arms. I let out a heard breath before wiping the tears from my eyes away. I glanced over at him and he was looking at me.

"I'm sorry, I'm just scared. I can't lose Nick, he's the last person I have left" I sighed shaking my head. Chris paused before nodding slowly. I layed back against the pillows beneath us.

"I feel like i've driven away every person In my life" I shook my head, looking up. "I can't do the same to him" I whispered, glancing at Chris for looking down at me.

"You're parents don't count. Y/n you don't deserve to think that it was your fault they left" He breathed. I just blinked up at him, before furrowing my eyebrows.

"Why did you lie?" I said barley above a whisper. He blinked down at me for a second before sighing and leaning down, laying next to me, crossing his arms over his chest. I just looked at him, as he stared up at the ceiling above us.

"I don't know" He whispered. I just watched him. "I can't tell you" He said looking over at me. I shook my head. "Why not?" I asked feeling like I deserved to know why he hurt me when he didn't have to.

"Because then I'd have to kill you" He said scrunching his nose and then cracking a smile. I rolled my eyes smiling, pushing his shoulder making him chuckle softly. "I hate you" I sighed rolling over and laying on my side looking at him.

He rolled over matching my position as he looked back at me.

"I shouldn't have lied, I'm sorry. It was shitty, I didn't mean to make you cry" He whispered looking at me. I cringed closing my eyes now knowing he saw me start to cry. Embarrassment flooded my body. I blinked my eyes open and he was still looking at me.

"It wasn't you" I lied. "Yes it was" He said back. I bit my lip. "Do you think we could ever be friends?" I asked softly. He blinked at me, as if he were thinking my question over.

"No" He stated. I just looked at him. "I don't think I could ever be just your friend" He whispered. I closed my eyes feeling his response through my entire body. Why was I like this? Why did I do this to myself? Why did I constantly put myself in the same position.

"Y/n"

I opened my eyes, while he just looked at me. "Yeah?" I whispered after a few seconds of silence. He glanced over my face, swallowing. I wasn't going to move, I was waiting for him to. He sighed closing his eyes breifly before leaning over and putting his hand on my cheek pulling my lips to his.

I sighed from relief when our lips finally touched like a breath of fresh air into my lungs. His lips moved over mine slowly as he moved his mouth in accordance to mine. Our lips moved together in an unrushed manner.

I moved my leg over to straddle him, but he pushed my leg down and disconnected his lips from mine, sighing.

“Y/n” he said turning and looking back up at the ceiling. I just stared down at him, not believing he just stopped me. I scoffed shaking my head grabbing his attention. He glanced over at me.

I sat up shaking my head. “Y/n, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have-“ he started to speak another excuse of why he fucked up and why he kissed me and why he shouldn’t have, but I wasn’t going to heard it anymore.

“Stop” I held my hand up silencing him. He stopped talking. I peered down at him. “Kiss me or get out” I breathed harshly. His face turned confused as he looked up at me.

“You’ve been doing this to me for a month now Chris and I’m fucking tired of it. You’re spinning me around in circles chasing after something and then you hang it in front of me before just yanking it away” I explained shaking my head. He just listened.

“I’m getting seasick over here” I sighed looking over at him. He bit his lip. “So you don’t have to sit here and apologize for this or that or whatever the fuck you think you need to apologize for, because I’m not really sure you even believe you anymore” I said closing my eyes.

“So I’m not going to sit here and ask you if you like me or if you don’t. I’ve have a hard enough week as it is, so-“ I finsihed looking over at him. He stared up at me.

“Either kiss me. Or get out” I said again not breaking eye contact. He blinked at me for a few seconds before hanging his head. I closed my eyes looking down. Great.

I shook my head as I started to throw the blankets off of me to get up, but I felt him grab my arm, pulling me back over to him, before pinning me below him and hovering over top of me. I stared up at him in shock as he peered down at me with dark eyes.

So dark I couldn’t even see the blue anymore.

“Don’t talk to me like that ever again” he said before grabbing my arms and pinning them above my head and attaching his lips to mine roughly. Leaving me completely helpless under him, not that I was even before he kissed me anyway.

.....did you like the long chapterrr???

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yeahthatsonearthdipshit000 · 1 year

Text

things that I didn't expect in each Lockood & Co. episode

E.1: This Will Be Us:

The intro is fucking sick

THE DOOR ON THE LANDING IS IN THE INTROOOOO

The Locket was changed to a ring?!????

Everything else was insanely accurate

"Lockwood's a dick"

E.2: Let Go Of Me:

Ghost-lock is like...a really big issue??

"Yeah, she can be a bit...quirky,"

Lockwood didn't use his smiley giraffe toy mobile😭

Uh Lucy was literally possessed~

LOCKWOOD'S RED SOCKSSS

"He's a little shit, sir."

The boys freaking out at the end when they find out Lucy had the ring the whole time

E.3: Doubt Thou The Stars:

"You've got a real hard-on for him, haven't you?" "Well, if you want to put it like that."

Combe Carrey Hall is ELEGANT

THE GOGGLES ARE SO GOOFY LOOKING OML

They got "arrested"???

Penelope Fittes just trotting up to them at the Fitte's boy's funeral??

LUCY GETTING HER FOURTH GRADE

LUCY JUST FUCKING PASSING OUT AT THE END???

E.4: Sweet Dreams:

Lucy wasn't at the wraith cemetery at the beginning of the whispering skull😭

"And you just wanna watch him...die."

JOPLIN IS A WOMANNNNNN💅💅💪💅😭

Kensel Green was owned by the Bickerstaffs and their son - Edmund - was caught digging up corpses uhhhhh

Lucy's mental breakdown in kensel green

Bickerstaffs ghost being so fucking huge and like disintegrating lucy's rapier

The skull's voice being like warped and so fucking creepy oml

"and it proves that I am like-" "clinically insane?" "REALLY FUCKIN POWERFUL"

"I know I look like Anthony Lockwood, but I'm not. I'm actually a fully qualified doctor."

The episode went by insanely quick??? Like?

E.5: Death Is Coming:

The Tendy's badge??

Joplin is giving....pedophile

Also is her actor the same one who plays molly in sherlock????

MRS WINKMAN IS A FUCKIN BADASS

Nahhh cuz winkman's freaking voice-

LOCKWOOD WAS IN AN ELECTRIC CHAIR THE WHOLE TIME LMAO

ALSO WHY IS WINKMAN SO VIOLENT ISN'T HE SUPPOSED TO CARESS LOCKY'S HAND AND TELL HIM TO GO AWAY??

Leopold was abused😭😭😭😭😭

E.6: You Never Asked:

The ghosts of bickerstaff's patients like that was so creepy

The Golden Blade's manbun💅

Salt sprinklers instead of water sprinklers??? And they're gorgeous??!???

E.7: Mesmerised

LOCKWOOD HYPERVENTILATING AT THE AUCTION AND HIM AND LUCY HOLDING EACH OTHER AND THE "NOW PLEASE PLEASE GET BACK TO BEING A FLIPPANT DICKGEAD AND GET US OUT OF HERE"😭😭😭

Golden blade snapping Lockwood's rapier and then lucy hoping up behind him and absolutely annihilating his fucking back

Lockwood was wearing blue socks this time

"You me and herons, let's do it" AHSHSVSH I'VE ALWAYS SHIPPED GEORGE AND FLO ITS FINALLY HAPPENINGBKAJDBD

LOCKWOOD HELPING LUCY OF THE GROUND AND THEM LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LIKE THEY'RE GONNA KISS AND THEN LUCY SHOVING LOCKY AND StRuTtInG AWAY

E.8: Not The Eternal:

All of the circles George drew on the thinking cloth

Winkman taking his jacket off like a baddie💅💪

"And I'm Anthony bloody Lockwood"

Kipps having a panic attack and totally crying in the catacombs😭

Kat godwin being so fucking sexy with her rapier

"To save my friends." 🏃‍♂️"And Kipps."🏃‍♂️

Golden Blade shooting Lockwood and yeeting him down into the catacombs

Luce using the skull to look at the bone glass????

Lockwood in his normal clothes at the end and all of them bustling around like a little family😭😭😭😭😭😭

"Lockwood almost died a thousand times, but I think he's decided he's better off alive. Which is really good"

LUCY SHOVING A DONUT IN GEORGE'S MOUTH LMAOOO

AND LOCKY WASN'T WEARING SHOES

IN CONCLUSION I AM READY FOR THE HOLLOW BOY

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just-my-latest-hyperfixation · 6 months

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A promise kept

Written for the @steddieholidaydrabbles, day 8

Prompt: Idiots to lovers

Rated: G

Tags: Childhood friends to lovers; Mistaken identity; Fluff; Modern AU if you squint

CW: none

Notes: @house-of-the-moving-image and I came up with this while bouncing ideas for another drabble and fell instantly in love with the idea. Be sure to also check out the precious art they made!!!

The bars of the jungle gym creak but Steve doesn’t lift his face from his hunched knees.

“Hey, big boy, don't cry.”

“‘m not crying. Go away!”

This is ridiculous. He's almost eight, and eight-year-old boys don't cry. Not even if their only friend in the whole world just told them they're moving away to live with their uncle.

They don't even know each other’s names. Names don't matter when you're eight and you're both at the park and looking for someone to play with.

So Steve is big boy.

And his friend … well, Steve mostly calls him his dragon.

It's because of this game they have. Steve is a king and the other boy his dragon and the jungle gym their castle, and every day, they have a new adventure.

Except now, there won't be any more adventures.

“Oh? But how am I supposed to give you this?”

Steve lifts his head, goes a bit cross-eyed at the flower that's hovering right in front of his face.

“What would I want with that?” he snaps. “Flowers are for girls.”

His dragon chuckles as he joins him on his perch. The playground stretches out under them. Their kingdom.

“But this isn't just any flower. It's magical.”

Steve wrinkles his nose. “Magical?”

“Yup!” His friend's face breaks into a grin, two teeth short. “As long as you keep it, I'll always make my way back to you. It may take a while, but I'll find you eventually.”

“Promise?” Steve murmurs. There's a lump in his throat and it comes out small and quiet.

“I promise.” The other boy winks and tugs the flower behind his ear. “That I'll find you, and that I'll always be your dragon. And now, my king … how about one final adventure?”

The colors of the jungle gym are faded with age. Like the pressed flower in its frame on his bedroom wall.

“Oh hey, Steve!”

Steve looks up from the book in his lap to find a familiar someone next to their picnic blanket.

“Eddie, hi!” He smiles, even as his stomach drops. “I … what are you doing here?”

“Steve?” Will asks, ogling Eddie's tattoos and wild hair with large eyes. “Who's this?”

“Oh, erm …” Steve runs an awkward hand through his hair. “My friend Eddie. He just moved here. Eddie, this is Will and El, the kids I babysit?”

“Of course,” Eddie dips into a bow, which makes the twins giggle. “Steve has told me all about you.”

“Do you want to sit with us?” El asks. “Steve is reading the How to train your dragon books to us.”

“Fuck yeah, I love dragons!” Eddie cheers. Only he doesn’t sit on the blanket like a normal person - he perches himself on the steps of the jungle gym and hisses, pulling a silly face and mimicking claws with his hands. El whoops and claps while Will smiles shyly. Steve needs to swallow against the memories that threaten to crawl up his throat.

“Was it alright to invite Eddie?” El asks. They've finished reading for the day and she helped Steve get snow cones. “You said he's your friend, but you seem sad when you look at him.”

Steve sighs.

“It's okay,” he says, because how do you explain this to a seven-year-old?

How do you explain I only met him a few weeks ago but I really like him and it confuses me because it seems like I've known him forever because he reminds me so much of someone I used to know and I'm scared because it feels like I'm betraying that person even though I'm sure they've long forgotten about me?

Will is up on the jungle gym when they round the corner, beaming from ear to ear and talking animatedly with Eddie, who is gesturing up at him from the ground.

“El!” he calls out when he spots his sister. She smiles and clambers up to join him, handing over one of the dripping snow cones. “Eddie has the best ideas. He just told me about this game he used to play as a kid. Did you know the jungle gym could be a castle and we could be kings and dragons? What do you want to be? We could-”

“Steve?”

Someone touches his shoulder and he flinches back into his own body. Eddie’s voice is full of concern, and okay, that's probably because he just dropped their snow cones. They're forming rainbow-colored puddles in the grass.

“Stevie, c'mon, talk to me! You're freaking me out here!”

He snaps his head up.

“Oh, thank fuck,” Eddie smiles. His eyes are large with worry. Large and brown and crinkling at the corners and so familiar and Steve's an idiot. “You just zoned out there, I thought-”

“It's you,” Steve mutters. His hands are shaking and his eyes are stinging and then the next thing he knows is that his arms are around Eddie’s neck and he's sobbing into his shoulder. “Holy fuck, it's really you! You're my dragon!”

“Wait, what?” Eddie pulls back, smile wide and incredulous. His fingers wipe away Steve’s tears, trace the shape of his cheekbones and jaw. “You're- Shit, really? I knew you looked familiar, but I thought there was no way-”

“I was feeling so bad!” Steve blurts, chest heaving with what might be sobs or laughter, and who cares really, when he found his dragon again? “I was so scared to fall for you because-”

“Oh?” Eddie’s grin isn't missing any teeth, but it's still just as brilliant. “Are you now?”

“Huh?”

Eddie chuckles. “Falling for me?”

Steve feels himself flush, even as he gives a shaky nod. Eddie’s eyes are soft as he pulls him in.

“It's okay, big boy. You don't have to be afraid of anything while I'm around.”

“This is really weird,” El whispers from somewhere above them as their lips meet. “I don't think they understand how being friends works.”

All my holiday drabbles

#steddie #steve harrington x eddie munson #steve x eddie #steddie brainrot #steddie fanfic #fanfiction writer #fanfiction #fanfic #my writing #steddie holiday drabbles #steddieholidaydrabbles #hype's holiday drabbles

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skzhua · 1 year

Text

Episode seven.

MASTERLIST

pairing: XO, Kitty's Min Ho x Female Reader

genre: Fluff, angst, enemies-to-lovers, slow burn, coming-of-age.

word count: 2.8k

warnings: Kind of suggestive, reader is in denial, lowkey cringe but it's cute y'all, I promise.

summary: Transferring to KISS was the last thing you had asked for and, yet, a certain tall boy made it seem both worse and better than you expected.

note: Bold - Korean, Italic - Over the phone

(let me know by filling the form in my bio if you want to be added to the taglist!)

You didn't remember how and when you got home. The last thing you knew was that Q had found you among the crowd of students and that you almost passed out then. That would explain why you were back in your room with the worst headache you had ever experienced. You truly woke up when Kitty gasped as she sat right up on her bed. She got up and shook your body but you groaned in pain. Concluding you were not going to get up, she left to go to Q, leaving the door of your room opened. It allowed you to hear everything.

"Q! I have something to tell you, get up!" Kitty hurriedly said.

Another door opened only for Min Ho to yell at his friend. "Q! Did you drink my collagen water?" He got no response other than an annoyed groan. "Or was it you?"

"What? No." Kitty answered.

By then, you made no effort to stay in bed as your roommates couldn't keep their voices down. You walked to the kitchen and laid your head on the counter as you kept listening to them.

"My collagen water is meant to keep my skin dewy. Not rehydrating people who can't handle their liquor."

"My God, why are you screaming?" Q whined. "It's the middle of the night and I'm still drunk."

"No, it's not. It's 8 in the morning."

"Already?" you whined as well.

"Yes. And thanks to some idiot, my party dynasty has come to an untimely end, so yeah, I am in a mood." he sighed.

"Are you in a mood to make me coffee?" Q pouted.

"Yes, but I will deeply resent you."

Your head shot up at the mention of the drink. "Will you be an angel and make me a cup too?"

He deadpanned at you. "And now you want my help. Fine but don't complain if it's not to your liking."

He walked around the counter and started to prepare everything. You yawned loudly and he shushed you, but you still yawned again.

"For crying out loud, will you stop?"

"Your party, your fault. I didn't even want to go in the first place."

"Ah yeah? And yet, you still came and denied me when I was trying to be nice to you for once. I'd say the alcohol played a big part in it, just as much as to why you're so unpleasant this morning."

You laughed sarcastically. "Aren't you being nice now..."

"I am. Here's your coffee." he said rudely as he placed the mug in front of you.

You hopped off the stool to go to the living space while he followed after to give Q his coffee and you dropped on the seat lazily. Him and Kitty seemed to be having an interesting chat as they argued whether she had a sex dream or not.

"Was it about Dae?" you joined in and she denied quickly. "Okay, not Dae."

"No, no. I didn't say I had a sex dream."

Min Ho also joined as he gave Q his cup and stood next to you, leaning on your chair.

"Okay, you didn't have to. Spill." Q insisted.

"It doesn't even matter because dreams don't mean anything."

"She's right." Min Ho jumped in rather quickly. "They don't mean anything. You can have a sex dream about someone you hate in real life."

"Yes, yes, exactly. Thank you, Min Ho. He could have a sex dream about, um, Y/N!"

You heard Min Ho choke on his coffee and you facepalmed. "What the..."

Q looked up in thoughts and bopped his head towards you. "He had a sex dream about you."

"No, I didn't." he dismissed. "If I did have a sex dream about Y/N, it'd be a sex nightmare."

"Oh gosh." you shut your eyes in embarrassment.

"I'm not hearing a denial." Q pointed out.

"It doesn't matter because dreams don't mean anything." he repeated.

"Exactly. I hate mayo." Kitty said.

"And I hate Y/N."

You winced at how loud he was while being right next to you. Q gave you a knowing look and you huffed at how intense this morning was for no reason.

"Sex dreams mean something." he smiled mischievously.

Someone then knocked at the door. You and Kitty rushed back to your room to hide only to hear Finnerty come in. Saying you were in big trouble, he informed the guys about an eight hour long detention you had to attend because of the party. You cried out and let yourself fall face first into your blankets.

"I blame this on you and Q. I wouldn't have come if you minded your business and left me alone."

Kitty chuckled. "Did you have fun, though?"

"I guess? Mostly but I wouldn't have minded staying home."

You stepped in the library together, Professor Lee having started the detention already. You sat at a table and started to pull your things out of your bag. Most of it were your notes to study for your upcoming exams. It didn't feel like it quite yet, but the end of the semester was nearing.

"You have your friend, Miss Song Covey, to thank for that." he said which caused for everyone to gasp, including yourself. "That's right. She was kind enough to alert me to last night's shenanigans."

He held out his hand for the two of you to give your phones and you complied.

"It was you?"

Both Min Ho and you looked at each other weirdly after saying the same thing at the same time. Kitty chuckled awkwardly.

"This could be fun, though." she tried to cheer up. "Like The Breakfast Club, right?"

She only received glares from the others. You shook your head in disappointment and opened your books to focus on something else other than her.

Somehow, Madison found her way to detention and sat down at Min Ho's table, waving at him cutely. The girl never particularly bothered you much but with what happened the night prior, you weren't on her good side. It shouldn't even affect you this much. Min Ho had the right to do whatever he wanted on his own time.

"Hey, babe. Last night was memorable." you overheard her say to him.

Okay, maybe it did get to you more than necessary.

He cleared his throat in uneasiness. "Why are you even in here? You didn't get caught at the party."

She gave him a knowing look and you decided to step into their conversation. "Yeah, how did you not get caught?"

"Please, I've snuck out of every window in every boarding school."

Professor cut your discussion short and asked them to give him their phones. Min Ho was staring at you again in the process and mouthed something to you that you couldn't comprehend. He did it again but you were still clueless; he dropped it eventually.

"Hey." Dae called out to your table. "Kitty, did you talk to Yuri?"

She opened her eyes wide. "Yuri? Why would I talk to Yuri? I barely know her. I don't want to talk with Yuri or do anything else with her." she rambled on until her eyes laid on the said-person.

You swore the day could get any weirder than it was, but here you were. Being moody already, you decided to focus on your books instead, diving right back into studying. It didn't last, though. You heard your name being whispered loudly along with a couple of 'psst'. And you would recognize that voice anywhere now. Your eyes found their way to meet his and you were surprised to see an empty chair next to him, Madison having disappeared. He bopped his head to the place next to him but you shook your head. He gave you a look and, with a heavy sigh, you took your stuff and went to sit with him.

"Where's your girlfriend?" you asked.

"She's not my girlfriend. And I told her to sit somewhere else." he pointed to another table where, indeed, she was now sat at.

"So now you can bother me for the next eight hours, great."

"I won't even be allowed to talk with you."

You raised an eyebrow. "There's no point in sitting with you, then."

He shook his head. "I think we need to go over some things you and I?"

"For the chemistry lab? I already explained it to you."

He grunted out of frustration. "No. About you and I."

Lee shushed everyone which restrained you from asking Min Ho what he meant by that. As detention began, you actually did study. Min Ho tried to poke your hand a few times to get your attention but you always dismissed his attempts.

A few hours had passed and you had already gone over most of the stuff you needed to do. As for Min Ho, he scribbled something on a paper for a while. Writing, erasing, writing again... You weren't sure what he was doing but it seemed to keep him occupied. But when he passed the note to you, you became doubtful. You gave it back to him, not wanting to play his little game. He pushed it back to you only for you to do the same. The back and forth lasted until Lee announced he was needed at the gymnasium. After putting Madison in charge since she wasn't even supposed to be there in the first place, he took off.

"You heard him, eyes down." she said, earning groans from the other students.

When he was completely out of the library, however, she stopped pretending and told you all to do whatever. Still, no one moved and kept quiet, uncertain on what to do.

"What? Haven't any of you gotten stuck in a Saturday detention and kept the party going when your teacher leaves the room?" Getting shaking heads as a response, she gasped. "Oh, y'all are so cute. Okay, poker game will start in the World History section, make-outs move in the back by the rare books. I like an organized chaos. Go!" she finished with clasping her hands together.

Everyone moved and started to chat, some continued to study – you included.

"Y/N, can we-" Min Ho started but Madison coming up to him cut him off.

"You, me. Rare books." she whispered to him before grabbing his arm. "Let's go."

"Wait, what?" he broke away from her.

She frowned. "No?"

He glanced at you briefly. "No, find someone else."

She sighed. "So you were serious earlier. No messing around, I see."

She left to go to the stairs where people were starting to lay out their poker game. Min Ho scooted closer to you but you didn't dare to look at him.

"Can we talk now?"

You shrugged. "There's nothing to talk about."

With a frustrated sigh, he grabbed your arm and dragged you out of your chair. You complained but he kept leading you deep into the library, almost reaching the rare books.

"Would you stop pretending for once? Gosh, you're annoying." he said once you reached a spot behind a bookshelf.

"You're going straight to the point, aren't you?"

"Yes because I know you won't. What did you want to tell me last night?" he asked before crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"Nothing important... Just that I'm sorry for being rude when you simply wanted to help me with Dongmin."

He grinned. "See? You can be grateful at times."

"Yeah, yeah... But now, I also want to apologize for interrupting your make-out session with Madison."

He grunted. "It was one kiss."

"Yeah, and now it's 'babe', 'last night was memorable' and 'join me by the rare books' type of situation." you scoffed.

"It was one kiss." he repeated. "And I don't even like her, so."

"But somehow, you're together? Make it make sense."

He rolled his eyes. "She made it all up in her mind, I swear."

"Sure."

A smirk slowly grew on his face. "Are you jealous, puppy?"

You felt the blood rush to your cheeks. "You wish I was."

"Hmm, pretty sure you are."

With Professor Lee coming back, you rushed to sit right back where you were. Kitty and Yuri had vanished and you wondered what happened to them. The teacher announced that it was lunch time and gave you a paper to write down your orders. Giving it to Dae first, you and Min Ho joined him at his table.

"What are you going to eat?" you asked him.

"I don't know." he shrugged. "How can I think about food when I'm going crazy wondering what Kitty and Yuri are up to."

"I asked myself the same." you hummed.

"Whatever it is, it's none of our business." Min Ho said.

Dae nodded and took the paper for the food orders. "You're right. I guess I'll just order their lunch."

He started to write but seeing what he was putting for Kitty, you stopped him. "She likes tuna gimbap."

"Without mayo." Min Ho added.

Dae gave you both a weird look. "Since when are you Kitty experts?"

"Since we have to live with her, thanks to someone."

You hit his arm and he grunted while Dae gave you the clipboard. "He's kidding, he loves living with her."

He scoffed. "Let's say I do. I know what you'll have."

"No, you don't."

"So you weren't just about to put in kimchi gimbap with jjajangmyeon?" he sneered at you making you stop writing to glare at him. "I'm right, no?"

"You are." you admitted and gave the sheet to the next table.

"Hey, what are you doing? I didn't write mine."

"I did it for you. Bulgogi kimbap? Extra kimchi?"

He grinned at you. "I'm impressed, not going to lie."

You smiled back and your eyes lingered on each other for a second too long. Dae observed in confusion.

"Did I miss something about you two?"

Min Ho only let out a hum. While Professor Lee announced he'd do a roll call, Dae started to panic. With the girls not being here, he whispered for help to the tables around. Florian was kind enough to be a suck up to the teacher and Lee left to go get a book. That left the rest of you in Madison's charge, meaning being totally free.

Min Ho took your hand and went back to the bookshelf you were at minutes ago. You knew what was coming; he wanted to finish what you had started to discuss. Crossing his arms again, he waited for you to speak.

"What do you want me to say?" you whined, getting annoyed by his behaviour.

"With Madison, were you jealous or not?"

You groaned. "This isn't close to being important to know."

He took a step closer to you. "For me, it is."

Your breath hitched. His figure hovering you, just like that time on Chuseok, it felt too personal to be a casual move. You didn't want to look at him, but he didn't stand that. Bringing his hand to your chin, he lifted your head up so you were finally eye to eye. If you weren't blushing already, you definitely were now.

"What if I wasn't? Then what?"

He thought for a moment. "Then that is it. We act as if this conversation never happened."

You hummed. "And... if I was?"

He smirked. "Wouldn't you like to find out?"

"Min Ho, please."

His eyes softened. "Then it'd be very difficult for me to not kiss you."

Something snapped in you. While a second ago you would have donne anything to keep him away the furthest from you, now all you wanted to do was to smash your lips against his. So you did just that, kissed him right away. He was startled by your boldness but it didn't take him long to kiss you back, bringing your body closer to his by your waist. It felt like every pound that had been weighting on your shoulders was gone, all the bizarre tension gone. You wondered if this was only one of his jokes to mock you afterwards but you were too immersed in the moment to care.

Unfortunately, it came to an end when someone shouted that Professor Lee was back again. You broke away from Min Ho's embrace to walk back to the tables.

"Let's go."

He held your wrist and shook his head. "Just one more minute." he said and pecked your lips.

"Lee's coming."

He huffed. "You're no fun."

You shrugged your shoulders. "We'll play later, puppy."

You swore you had never seen his eyes get darker so fast. "I like that idea."

#xo kitty #xo kitty fanfic #xo kitty x reader #xo kitty minho #xo kitty minho x reader #xo kitty min ho #xo kitty min ho x reader #min ho x reader #sang heon lee #sang heon lee x reader

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buckttommy · 1 month

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I have an idea for a full-season Eddie arc that I want to put into the universe. tim, feel free to plagiarize me yet again (but this time. i want a dm. i know you're around here somewhere come say hi). So. Anyways. Season 8

8x1: Eddie has broken up with Marisol. By the time this episode rolls around, they've already been broken up for a couple weeks/months. As mentioned in 7x5, he's struggling with the idea of Catholic guilt, struggling with the idea of faith in general. He mentions, in casual conversation, to Buck, Chim or Tommy (who is still with Buck on screen *coughs loudly*) that he's thinking about going down to Texas for a while. His grandmother is the most religious person he knows and he's always found comfort being in her space and soaking in her presence, so he wants to talk to her about his feelings. Whoever he's talking to agrees that's a good idea.

8x2 - 8x7: A couple episodes pass with the idea of Eddie taking some time off in the background of the audience's mind. Nothing major, just little throw away lines about getting the truck tuned up before he makes a big road trip, paying bills before he leaves, things like that.

8x8: The 118 responds to a call of a fire in a church. Two people are getting married and their families are in attendance. Eddie doesn't go inside the church but he fights the fire from outside and helps treat the injured. Almost everyone is pulled out safely but the mother of the bride. Her daughter is crying because she and her mother aren't on good terms and she doesn't want it to be too late for them to patch things up. Eddie and the bride get to talking, and the bride mentions she always felt like she wasn't enough for mom, that she found it impossible to live up to her standards. They had an argument before the fire broke out because the bride realized, on-screen, that she didn't actually want to marry the man she was going to marry because she was in love with someone else (that's what started the fire, her making that announcement caused someone to pass out, and blah blah blah). But she was only marrying this man because her mom thought he would be good for her, and the brides makes a comment about always feeling like she was living her life for someone else, in service of a standard she could never reach. Eddie, of course, can relate. The bride's mother passes away and, it's a tragedy and is treated as such, but at the end of the episode during the voiceover (*coughs louder*), we see the bride reuniting with the person she's actually in love with because her mother's death means she's free from having to try to, like, be perfect.

8x10: Eddie's been getting a call from his dad all throughout the episode but he's been ignoring it because [shenanigans]. This is a light-hearted episode and the tone will be important because when he finally answers the phone during the last five minutes of the episode, he's like "Dad, come on, jesus, what is it" and his dad tells him that his grandmother has passed away.

8x11: Midseason premiere, the episode begins with Isabel's funeral, mainly because I want to see Eddie/Ryan in a nice tailored black suit (timothy, i'm sure you can relate). Anyway, the funeral is outside because it's important Eddie doesn't go inside a church yet. When it's finished, he goes back to the reception at Isabel's house. His sisters are there, everyone is there. He offers to help his mother in the kitchen and she tries to make conversation, but Helena Diaz has never actually learned how to relate to her son, so she says the wrong thing. It doesn't go well (but that's something to be circled back to in another season). Eddie looks at the pictures on his grandma's wall / mantle / whatever and sees himself and his sisters and his cousins when they were kids, smiling big at church christenings or whatever, and he's like... "I don't recognize this kid who was so happy to be inside of religion. I didn't know who I was then, and I definitely don't know who I am now because of it". He doesn't say it, but that's the vibe ofc, and Ryan's face is expressive enough that he can pull that off.

8x12: He's back in LA. Everyone is treating him with the utmost care because they are good people and they love him, and one evening, Eddie gets a visitor. He opens the door and it's his sister. (one of them lives in LA, remember?). In my head, that's always been Sophia, so he asks what she's doing here, and she holds up a bottle of wine. They sit on the sofa, they talk and reminisce about their grandmother, make apologies for the fact that they haven't been around for each other much despite living in the same city (but this isn't Eddie's family issues storyline, this is the Catholic guilt storyline. We will circle back to this in S9). So Eddie pitches the idea of faith to her, and asks what it means to her. It's the same question he wanted to ask his grandmother. Sophia says she has faith in the universe, faith that things always happen the way they're meant to, and it's a good answer but it doesn't speak to the core of Eddie's problem, which is that he always feels beholden to something he can't name/place.

8x14: Eddie continues to ask the people around him (Buck, Athena, Tommy, Chim) about faith and what it means to them. They all give him different answers. Athena has faith in purpose. Chim has faith in his family. Buck has faith in the inherent good of humanity. Tommy has faith in himself. It's not very helpful in the sense that no one gives him his answer, but it does reveal to him that faith can, does, and should exist absent of guilt, that maybe he's been doing it (or was taught) all wrong.

8x15: Insert an embarrassingly on the nose call about a kind, nerdy, reserved man who's lived by an unspoken rulebook all his life. He came out to Los Angeles on a whim and suffers from a hiking mishap where he's physically blinded by [something] and subsequently needs to trust that the 118, these people he literally cannot see, will save him. When they pull him to safety, he berates himself for even coming out to Los Angeles in the first place because he's not the kind of guy who does this, he just wanted to do something for him and now he feels stupid. And Eddie (because of course it's Eddie) is just like "no, you didn't do anything wrong. Look, you took a leap of faith (episode title btw). That's more than what most people can say. Maybe it didn't work out in this instance, but who knows how it'll work out tomorrow, or the next day. You don't know the future. None of us do, so maybe stop trying to live according to some giant colossal plan and just... live, and try your best. Isn't that all we can do?" And he watches the guy get airlifted away (thanks Tommy! *coughs even louder*) and it's like his lightbulb moment, like, oh. Yeah. He finally gets it.

8x16: Eddie walks into a church for the first time in years, and for the first time all season. It looks exactly how he remembers; wooden pews, high ceilings, the works. He takes a seat on one of the benches and prays / talks aloud to God and is just like, "I don't really know who you are and I don't know how to be what you want me to be. All my life I've been trying to be what everyone wants me to be to the point where I just don't even know who I am anymore, if I ever knew. So I don't know who you are, but I know I am who you made me to be, and I don't know who that is, but I know that person is enough for me right now. And maybe I'll figure you out along the way, maybe I won't. But, right now, what I know is that i can't be your perfect son because I can't be perfect at all, and I need to let go of the idea that I can and start living my life for me." So he walks out of the church and not much changes, but everything changes. You know?

And, like, obviously the story would need to be flushed out a little more. Obviously, this story centers more of the idea of faith than the idea of explicit guilt, but they're one in the same anyway because you can't have guilt without failed/presumably "failed" expectations. In this case, religious or spiritual expectation. So. I don't know. But there's just something so sexy about the idea of Eddie systematically and intentionally dismantling and releasing himself from all the things that have kept him from growing over the years. Starting with his survivors guilt in S5 and working his way through Catholic guilt in S8, I just love the idea of Eddie being purposeful in his own healing, especially in this post-breakdown era. Plus it'll give him a chance to have a storyline that's not romance-focused cos we've been leaning a bit too heavily into those. 🙃 But anyways. (Next up is his issues with Helena. btw. because we have yet to circle back to his family issues in canon but we certainly need to).

#Sorry Isabel you were the sacrificial lamb #I wrote this instead of working ermmmm okay back to the grind as they say #jack.txt #tv: 911 #jack answers mail #8a speculation #8b speculation #ish #no read more sorry. i talk a lot and you should all be used to it.#tim minear #ok no for real i got work to do lmfaoooo bye #EVERYONE MANIFEST IT WITH ME GIRLS

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