#it’s a stimulant after all

[khazadspoon]

I’ve been awake since before 9am, have done plenty of physical work, and yet I don’t feel I need to nap??????? Medication is doing good???????????

#slightly fast heartbeat at times but that was always gonna happen #it’s a stimulant after all #adhd

[warmsol]

do you crave to be home playing with your sims while you’re out or are you normal

#ugh i’ve been out all day 😭 #i had to sit through a two and a half hour marvel movie (actual hell) (for me) #it was my husbands work thing and it was free as the whole company went and then we had lunch after and omg bro #i can’t socialize for the rest of the week actually. i’m tired. overly stimulated as heck. #being a naturally quiet and shy person with anxiety is hard when you’re surrounded by outgoing extroverts for hours lol #anyway. i’m in the car going home now. i just want to work on my sims story 🫠 #it’s just hard choosing to be out on a weekend when it’s where most my free time is lmao like. huh i could be playing sims rn #oh being an adult and having hobbies and a social life and work is hard

[mokutone]

your art makes me wanna start testosterone

i can't read tone well, so this is either an incredibly touching ask, or an extremely funny one, and in the absence of confirmation: both!

i'm in a chatty mood, so i'll share some thoughts about testosterone and my art.

i liked being on testosterone a lot. i had an IM injection every two weeks (on tuesdays!) and because that's a sizeable dose every 14 days that slowly disperses, it can cause some mood fluctuations (every other friday i would have a crisis about not feeling like the world had a place for me in it) but even those were far more manageable than the ones that would come with my previous and current monthly hormone cycle (every month i spend a solid week thinking the world will never have a place for me in it)

It gave me a patchy little bit of scruff on my chin and a whispy mustache under my nose that still struggles on, despite adversity!

It redistributed my fat a little bit, but that's long since gone back to pre-T shape.

it lowered my voice! that hasn't changed :^)! even if i never go back on t, that won't change. it was the thing i most wanted, and its the one i'm most grateful for. Pre-T, I didn't speak much. I'm getting better and better at talking and getting more and more comfortable communicating with people because of it.

having been off t now for 3 years, i don't pass anymore—not as a cis man, or a cis woman, certainly not as anything approximating straight. if people look at me and see anything, i'd hazard a guess that they see me as A Queer (the noun—for all it's complicated connotations).

i'm not surprised that my art might make somebody want to start testosterone! a lot of my art was made out of the aching grief that came with being kicked off of testosterone, and how neatly that loss of autonomy over my own body knits in with yamato's loss of autonomy over his own.

how my body started doing things i disliked, how i didn't have the support necessary to access the healthcare i needed—how my inability to give myself what i needed made me feel as though i were trapped inside of myself and abandoned (by both myself and the world at large)

when i write comics about yamato as a trans man, i don't take away his testosterone, because that hits a little too close to home for me. for Ninja War Town Reasons, he has plenty of access to all the HRT he could ever need and nobody questions his need for it—instead, i project my own horrors onto the way Danzō defined his identity for him as a child, the way that Kabuto and Obito dehumanize him as an adult in their war efforts, and reduce him to the thing his body holds (the Mokuton). I give him a kneejerk compulsion to dehumanize himself (out of a feeling that he has a duty to his community to do so) and I give him a slow-growing resistance to that impulse (which comes out of a feeling that the people he loves would frown upon seeing him reduce himself like that)

it's dysphoria! it's not gender dysphoria, but it's a loss of self, and a need to reclaim it. it's a war between the hollow shell of a thing he thinks he has to be, and the vibrant and messy person beneath it that he is. it's a desperate need to say "this is who i am—only i can say it"

I enjoyed HRT a lot. it was a really useful tool in helping me feel like my body was my own, that i didn't have to fight it, that we were the same entity. It's not the only tool, but it was a really good one, and one day I hope to use it again.

(as for the being off of it—it's unpleasant, but i'm enduring! being somebody who now doesn't really pass as anything has put me in a weird and interesting position, where I'm constantly having to declare myself to people, because nobody knows what to make of me on any front. they don't know if i'm a man, a woman, nonbinary, nor even what age i am (Augh!!!!) it forces me to be brave and vulnerable more than I'm comfortable with—if I tell somebody I'm a man, there's no way that they will believe I'm cis, but I'm not about to recloset myself—and I don't think I could at this point anyway.)

(there's something fascinating about the position i find myself in, and while i'd leap back on t the moment that an opportunity presented itself to do so, i do feel like i'm experiencing something interesting and important in this weird zone i find myself in)

#yamswers #anonymous #dysphoria discussion #q slur — only because i literally use it in the noun form most associated w/ dehumanization #i love that u asked this on a tuesday. thank u for asking this on a tuesday #happy testosterone tuesday to all who celebrate #i also got top surgery a while ago—which is responsible for about 50% of my average suicidal idealizations vanishing #because my chest was my second biggest site of dysphoria after my voice #it was far less painful than i dared imagine. and far more satisfying. i had an excellent and lucky recovery #my results aren't perfect but oh man. the joy of being able to press my hand (flat) to my chest (flat). #the way that a binder mimics the exact squeeze around my lungs that a panic attack stimulates— #not feeling that when i'm out in public? thank you modern medicine. thank you. oh my god. no more false flag panic attacks #i had to fight my insurance for two years and all the health providers i contacted told me the hoops i was being made to jump through #seemed utterly ridiculous. and it was still gobs of money but i got it. so grateful u cannot even imagine #a lot of people describe their feelings post op as “relief—finally i could see myself” #but i experience...more delight than relief. joy. is joy the absence of pain or the presence of happiness? can i tell the difference? #on my worst days i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on

[dennisboobs]

i have been struggling to commit to drawing for weeks, but was convinced that i just needed to collect more and more refs, because the last time i was productive was while watching this video

and i just fucking realized after spending five and a half straight hours drawing to a video essay that ~staring at glenn~ for an hour and a half was not what helped, it was just. having a fucking video playing while i was drawing.

motherfuckers with adhd who need constant stimulation make some noise

#ada speaks #i know the vid timeline makes it look like i didnt watch the video but its bc i watched it twice <333 #INCREDIBLY ironic considering the fucking topic of a portion of the podcast was that katee and glenn both have adhd #pray for me i may actually finish this drawing after all #historic event tbh i havent finished anything but a bust drawing in literally years #i am still staring at glenn but i am not getting bored as hell every ten minutes and fucking off to do something else #my mistake listening to music to draw i guess #not stimulating enough !!! #i know y'all will be happy once i stop talking about this fucking drawing and just post it--

[skitskatdacat63]

I have to write a relatively long German paper, and man its just so difficult for me. The pro side is that I can pick any topic I want, so of course I picked Charles VI. But I've literally not written any German in months, and I'm almost 100% sure our prof doesn't actually read them. I should just write and submit boy king fic....

#i wish it was in English #bcs i would be very happy about it #but i have lost so much capacity for any German writing #bcs he sucks so much as a prof and has dropped the ball on actual language learning imo #how am i supposed to suddenly write a 7-8 pg paper after youve spent all our class time just lecturing at us #and giving us no real opportunity to really learn or test our skills #i shall.. probably just cheat. #LIKE i want to learn german so badly #but what the fuck is the point of even trying when i know im not going to get actual feedback on my writing #why should i even try at that point. put that much effort in and know that he doesnt really care at all #it just sucks so much bcs i genuinely love and am so fascinated w the topic #but the idea that id put so much work into translating it only for him not to read it really kills me #again. just submit boy king fic and see if he notices sjfkgllblb #but do you know what i mean? like im sure ill write a good version in english that i think is actual good content #but translating it is such a lost cause bcs all the effort is reallt for nothing #like atp im jusy interested in the history more than making an effort w the language #ugh i wish i wasnt this way but yknow lack of stimulation anf feedback really kills my enjoyment and interest #like see i can convince myself that thr eng version of teh paper is my typical personal research #<- i mean im making a fucking family tree for funsies so this isnt that far off #but the translation part is so difficult bcs my german has been eroding a bit SOB SOB #lol anyways i say this bcs i was plotting a boy king fic in my head as i was goong to bed #and was like oh i shoulf write it out tmr! and then remembered I HAVE AN ESSAY UGH #well yeah. suffering. we'll see how i feel abt i write the original copy and if i have the capacity to germanify it #i just feel so guilty about it. cheating. I dont want to and it feels so low effort and terrible #but why would i force myself thru all that for a guy who barely reads it #catie.rambling.txt

[melveres]

I’m so invested in wizard101 and its denizens that it has got me researching actual irl science and engineering so i could depict magic better

#most of the text is under the tags yet again lmao whoops #I’m out here looking up electrocultural agriculture bc i wanna draw my YW revisiting Khrysalis after Morganthes defeat #helping reverse the mass deforestation and crystallisation caused by the umbra legion #mainly bc I don’t like how fast the game moved on from us saving Khrysalis to merle immediately telling us we r graduating #let there be at least some period of time in between jdjfkg #montage of my wizzy taking the time to learn theurgy under moolinda #despite being a storm wizard #and researching how to heal the land and plant new growth #to use her storm magic to stimulate the plants to grow faster and stronger #bc smth smth electrical currents promote plant development and helps them grow more fruit #and teach whatever shes learned to any other spellbinders and farmers in Khrysalis. bc what good is knowledge if it is not shared #maybe rope professor balestorm into this too with all the experiments. wait who am i kidding he would love that and immediately #(or hop. ha) to help experiment. rope the other diviners into this whole project too actually. get those participation credits kids #w101 #wizard101

[manofthepipis]

In a hypothetical scenario where Spamton could physically (and was mentally ready to) talk about his puppetification with all the horrors it entailed…what aspects would he discuss?

Also those post-its drawings are so gooood what the hell

Ooo so i've thought about this question a lot, like rolling the possibilities in my brain, and it makes for some rlly angsty convos that aren't meant to be but great in a hypothetical.

First, so i write ol spammy boy's puppetification due to my own hcs about how it all went down. like after he looked into the Brightest Spotlight Ever™️, he begs to his phone pal to show him more about the world above him. But in the attempt to do so, his benefactor ends up breaking him. This is when the physical glitches start and with each glitch, he becomes more and more of a literal puppet until the transformation is complete. I'd think these glitches were attempts to "fix" his programming, (maybe make him more sentient in the light world? wouldn't that be cool) but the phone guy just took more of spamton's control away from him. I believe spamton agreed to this, not knowing the consequences, but in his mind, providing more control to the guy on the phone was his ticket to becoming [bigger and better]. He was thinking that this was his way to get to that pretty light he saw in the shadow crystal, but nope, poor dude was let down and fell due to his own hubris. This preludes their connection being totally lost.

Over time, seeing less and less of himself and anticipating that feeling of the loss of self with every emerging error until it just embeds itself into his character... it's a dark theme and i love to mess with it lol. Computer body horror is just top tier

I think he'd reach out to Swatch first, as they were a front-row witness to his downfall, and he couldn't answer any question or concern they had about what was going on. He'd clear things up, detail what happened and how it wasn't him making these changes, it was his top investor. The glitches don't do any further permanent damage, they're just an after-effect now, but it's enough to make Swatch, and those around spamton, want to help him out with it. Like, Swatch was left horribly confused as to why spamton lost his marbles so abruptly and decided to latch onto neo, but this would provide an explanation rather than just give spamton an excuse for what he did.

He'd be glad to tell the addisons. Give em a good ol extra punch of guilt. While they were moping and writhing in their jealousy, thinking that spamton had it all and more, spamton was actually going through becoming a living jigsaw cosplay. After all the panic of reliving it, it'd be like him to start rlly guilting them with a smile on his face, rlly rubbing salt in the wound until it got too much.

that's my take on it at least! Honestly I can't decide if he'd talk about the implications of their existence with other darkners, but instead with us/Kris. I mean, it'd be hilarious af if he just dropped the identity of the knight and all those other mysteries, but if he did i'm 98% sure we'd just see him as unreliable and keep theorizing lmao

#also tysm!! :D work gets to be a bore sometimes so doodling keeps my creativity stimulated when i need a writing break as well #spamton consumes all my doodling attention hehe #he's just so much fun #asks #fanfic #srry about the essay here anon but it's genuinely a hc i've wanted to talk about for a long long time #and spamton can't talk about it and no one else knows so i haven't had the opportunity #the addisons were right to think that the puppet thing came from the glitching- after connecting the dots with how he turns into neo #and oof ow when they ask him about it in the future... #well i shan't spoil

[aromanticannibal]

I have this underrated bkdk doujin trope that i just find hilarious

Where Katsuki just assumes that Izuku is somehow trying to evily seduce him for whatever reason, and not only is Izuku unaware but Katsuki falls exactly in the same imaginary evil trap he created just so he doesn't have to admit how bad he has it.

Like he made something up and lost against it in the same time frame that it took for him to yell "NERD" at Izuku.

bakugou denial katsuki

#Izuku doing the most random normal ting thing and Katsuki's just like #omg.... I can't fuckin believe this nerd is EVILLY SEDUCING me........ unacceptable... I will do nothing #after I have never explicitly told Izuku to go fuck himself bc he did something I didn't like... I couldn't ever start now.... #I totally don't like izuku EVILLY seducing me... not at all....... nuh huh...... #Izuku meanwhile is like :D Kacchan! and Katsuki just goes OK OK STOP YOU FUCKING GOT ME STOP EVILLY SEDUCING ME #and Izuku is like uh⁉️⁉️⁉️❓❓❓ #UH ⁉️❓⁉️❓⁉️❓⁉️❓‼️‼️ #what was I doing kacchan‼️‼️‼️‼️ #thank u anon this has stimulated my bkdk muscles #mha #bkdk #ask//

[araneitela]

WHICH SYMBOLIC FRUIT ARE YOU?

Cherry. (Man, this is going to need some tag rambling; because while it's what I suspected and it's very fitting in many ways, I need to address one element).

In popular culture, cherries have come to represent sensuality, sex, and seduction. In the cult classic, Twin Peaks, Audrey Horne expresses her sexual expertise by tying a cherry stem with her tongue. "Cherry" is also used to refer to the concept of virginity: why? I don't know to be honest, but here we are. Much like the cherry, you're a sensual person who enjoys all the creature comforts the world offers. You enjoy delicious food, dynamic relationships, passionate lovemaking and stimulating conversation; however, you may also come across a touch vapid or shallow, due to your quickly fading attention when something has served its usefulness to you. To quote some man on tinder: "you're here for a good time, not a long time". You can come across, at times, slightly tart, carrying a bit of a bite to you that not everyone can handle. That’s okay: you’re an acquired taste!

Tagged: @basbousah (Thank you 🩷) Tagging: I don't tend to tag for quizzes easily but this one was actually fun, so let's harass. @immobiliter (how about Furina?) @kushtibokt @genus83 @genius81 @spiderwarden @delusionaid (Wriothesley, or Zhongli— porque no los dos? 🤭) @apocryphis (Topaz) @aventvrina @resolutepath (Elio) @daybreakrising (Blade) @astrxlfinale @kahakera @cygnor @chasersglow @scrtilegii (Jing Yuan)... and anyone else who'd like to do it, say I tagged you because I'd love to see the results!

#[ games. ] the game only works when we follow the rules; though i'll be none the wiser if they're broken. let morality be your guide. #[ this has been open in a tab since yesterday. ] #[ okay but i actually /love/ this result. BUT LET ME SPECIFY-- to those who haven't read my other post. ] #[ please read 'sex' and 'seduction' through a very old fashioned lens. very old fashioned. ] #[ and then i think it's a lot more fitting. think film noir/1940s femme fatale /instead/ of the modern femme fatale and you got it. ] #[ seductive in the way that a woman can be inherently alluring. ] #[ sex in the way that it /is/ something she engages in. but in the way that one does without overindulging at all. no promiscuity. ] #[ i'm not saying religious-type 'it means everything'. but i'll forever live by that line by blade. ] #[ “she must have sought something extraordinary. everything she does comes at a great cost.” ] #[ the thing is-- he knows she lacks fear. so i don't see 'at a great cost' being a value tied to anything because of personal risk. ] #[ or fear of chasing after it. it also means something that it comes from blade. who likely also has an interesting tie to 'fear'. ] #[ but any way that means 'at a great cost' means investment/engagement (time. effort. sacrifice?) ] #[ which shows a deep rooted dedication to something. which speaks to me of a certain passion that needs to propel something like that. ] #[ and if we take passion into the equation-- then i think that fits for how she speaks and handles everything blade and tb-related. ] #[ then i also can see 'sex' very fitting. she would; when engaging in it; be incredibly all-encompassing but not in a 'dominatrix' way. ] #[ nor a traditional 'dominant' way. but simply incredibly present. engaged. passionate. ] #[ those two things can fit incredibly next to sensuality if you simply look at it from a specific lens that isn't casual and/or modern. ] #[ outside of that... dynamic relationships? ☑️ stimulating conversation? ☑️ which PLAYS INTO THE NEXT PART. ] #[ which is /yes/ she is bored. she gets bored. you /need/ to be able to stimulate her by having something of your own to interest her. ] #[ she also wouldn't/doesn't like people who serve her every whim. no. have your own interests. ] #[ as to elaborate on an acquired taste: she isn't everyone's cup of tea. if you don't have something that interests her-- you won't... ] #[ enjoy being around her. if she doesn't /like/ you. you won't think she's fun. in /that/ she's an acquired taste. ] #[ and has a bit of a bite. ]

[feluka]

(glove anon)

It's difficult to come up with reasons that aren't inherently medical but "fashion weirdo" is a great one! :P

Hands are so sensitive and I feel like this factor may play into the anxiety of it all... Like, just because I'm experiencing a confined sensory overload in my hands doesn't mean others are aware. But that anxiety of it all is persistent.

For what it's worth, I used to put bandaids on "bad" areas of my face in effort to stop picking/scratching. It helped my face but I received a fair bit of unwanted attention and even concern for my "wellbeing at home" which had quickly prompted me to try gloves.

By comparison, gloves draw little to no attention. Perhaps the occasional compliment of your style and fashion sense<3

I'm glad there was something I said that could sit well with you. I relate to your words and it's difficult for me to express without some personal details on my part. I don't mind sharing this if it means you can be more at ease!

omg, that's my exact same situation. i started doing the gloves thing for the same reason: people would comment on the amount of bandages on my face. this past month i've had 4 on my face (and it doesn't help that for some reason, older picking scars heal into a color that looks exactly like a bruise) and i don't want to deal with the comments anymore :(

the good news is that i just came back from class and nobody said anything. but then again my classmates already think i'm a weirdo 😔

ik what you mean by a concentrated sensory overload. i've been struggling to even wear my watch because of that. it's ok at home but once i'm outdoors it's like everything is suddenly 100× more stimulating lol

i appreciate you sharing all of this with me knowing it can't be easy to put it into words and it's difficult to predict others' reactions to what they may deem an off-putting issue, so i'm really grateful for your asks and i hope you have a wonderful day :]

#i'm experimenting with deliberately adding sensory stimulation (like rings on my fingers) #to see if getting myself accustomed to a mid level of that would help with constantly having to be in a high level situations #such as being outdoors. such that it doesn't feel like i'm plunging into ice cold water after being warm every time i got out yknow? #like if being a little bit chilly would make that transition easier #but i'm wondering if it's working at all or if i'm just making myself slightly uncomfortable 24/7 for no reason lmao #autism tag #<- keeping this ffr

[byanyan]

soft little inbox call... like and i'll go into ur meme tag & send u a prompt 💜

#if ur a multi pls comment with the muse u'd like the prompt for ty #I wanna do smth more than just post headcanons to engage with y'all but #I'm at about -5% functionality tonight so I don't wanna do TOO much yk #picking a prompt to send u is about all I got tonight #feel free to specify a verse or smth too tho... if ur feeling smth more specific #idk man gimme smth to do bc I got tilted after about 3 ow games & I want SOME stimulation but not too much lmaoahfksg #━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ inbox call ⋮ please keep me down from the ledges.

[tedlebred]

fyodor priest au. Discuss

#He’d be a priest in a small Russian villiage #Very religious place #He himself was raised and still is very devout #He’s incredibly smart but never got any education after high school #(a mix of his family probably never went to university+he already had his sights set on becoming a priest) #and despite him believing in his role/job in his village he still finds life mind numbingly boring and repetitive #(he just isn’t getting the mental stimulation he needs in such a boring and small place) #Starts questioning wether he made the right decision and having such extreme and blasphemous thoughts as taking a break moving out and #Getting a degree……….. shocking #He’s also gay. And I think he knows this. Or at least knows he’s had such thoughts towards men. But his town is very conservative and he #Himself has some internalised homophobia and religious guilt stuff going on #So he’s either in denial or represses it all #I’m rambling. The exam stress is really getting to me #But I actually really like this idea wait #bsd fyodor

[castaccio]

I know people dislike the implications of Shadows of Rose, but consider:

The spirits watch over Rose for her whole life. (Read Left to Right)

#RANT WARNING: #Mia would never let Rose wander off on Youtube or tiktok #Girl HOMESCHOOLED her. She would SO watch PBS Kids with her #With Chris though? Rose probably got curious when not looked after by him or K #And poor Ethan has to watch it all happen... alas; he won't be able to talk to her for another decade. #Miranda usually never pays attention to the real world—but when she does she's either flabberghasted or disappointed #Take your pick in this scenario #Eveline is bored. She ran out of things to do on her stratum after her 6th deathtrap #She hates these stupid videos...but it's stimulation... #this is more of a “canon unspoken” moment but I'm still tagging it as an AU: #RE: Shoulder Spirits #personal art notes: #the first looked better on my phone. The lower brightness probably allowed me to overlook the misplaced smudge #As much as I love Ibispaint's ease of use I gotta start getting into Krita again. #the second was meant to be a doodle-post and uh...well it looks like it at least! #The use of different brushes for each character was fun though :) #Normal vs Airbrush vs Paint vs charcoal :D #ethan winters #rosemary winters #mother miranda #eveline #eveline re7 #eveline baker #rose winters #resident evil 8 #resident evil village #resident evil shadows of rose #shadows of rose #resident evil #resident evil ethan winters

[newwave-lesbian]

they really did just give me all of the dogshit mental illnesses, huh

#i mean what mental illness isn't dosghit #anyways the reason why my depression meds probably don't work is because i'm bipolar #that's what my therapist thinks anyways. and it makes sense considering the lil manic episodes i have #so um. that fucking sucks but it also explains everything so its fine really #like i really really want to do drugs actually #i mean i am just so sad and empty feeling #i'm working on art but nothing i'm making means anything #can i just get permission to do a shit ton of stimulants #i am sooooooo bored #i'm really trying to make myself feel better here but only with things that'll do it instantly #anyways i want to not smoke because i am running out of weed and money #but i'm gonna smoke delta 8 anyways rn because even after all this caffeine etc i feel nothing and i need something #honestly can i just pass away though. i am so pathetic #or can i actually become hypo manic again. because at least i felt something #anyways does anyone want to be friends with me even though i am severely mentally ill #or can someone give me some dopamine/serotonin. i feel like shit #vent

[sydmarch]

spent months like I need prescription for my mental health give me prescription please please & now that I have it I'm like hm. do I want to have to take meds, actually

#part of it i think is just that typical anxiety that comes before any life change like s new job or whatever but also like #despite never having TRIED stimulants im familar w them i know people w adhd who are on them i had an idea of what to expect & thats what i #i figured id be getting but shes having me try this non stimulant option first bcus 1 apparently its good for people who also have anxiety #and 2 easier to get w the like Adderall shortages & shit rn #& im like ok i have NEVER heard of this drug before and didn't even know there WERE non stimulant options options. #like im doing all my research TODAY for the first time then pick it up tomorrow? #like me heslth anxiety girl just has to be like ok sure i guess. i had mentally prepared myself for stimulants & thats it!!! #i mean worst case i just try it & see if it works or if i have side effects but like. ugh. & i dont like that i dont like my np LOL like id #probably feel less uncertain about trying something i was previously unfamiliar with if she was someone i liked & trusted more #if i knew there were unfamilar drugs they might recommend to me i probably wouldve started over & found someone new to work with. AGHHH & i #didnt discuss any of this w her bcus it took me a couple hours after our session to think abt it & do my own reading & process my emotions #to really come to thia conclusion. & also i wouldnt have wanted to talk to hwt abt this anyway bcus i dont like her & have not felt at all #like cool w opening up to her beyond the minimum i had to do for the assessment #& my therapist is sick this week so im not gonna get to talk to her tomorrow!@ #texticles #anyway i know ive got fellow adhd bitches following me. anyone try guanfacine did you like it or nah

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Oh my god. You know it’s getting bad when you start doing things you don’t even want to do to procrastinate on something you really do want to do.

It would be one thing if it were something like a hobby; but the thing I want to do is also extremely necessary to my life.

#Hhhhhhngh #for three weeks I’ve been doing this #I’ve had all the time in the world #and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m doing this out of a subconscious desire to prove to myself that I’m actually fucked up in the head #Which is already proof enough that I have that desire in the first place; but I keep going because it’s not enough #I only ever feel like I need care when I’m at my absolute worst #And suddenly after being so exhausted that I fell asleep at 7:00 some days; I’m staying up until 2:30 AM and waking up at 8:00??? #and I feel fine and perfectly awake; but still can’t manage to get myself out of bed until 10:00 because Comfy #I sit and I read for an hour; then I go on my phone and emerge at 5:00 PM #If I go in the bathroom it takes forever to get back out because I end up talking to myself in the mirror about god knows what #I feel like I need some kind of… idk… very strong stimulant in me so I can actually care about things #not that stimulants work like that; but I need to have some kind of catastrophic life event… to get beaten up or something #something to put pure fear and concern in my veins #It is summer and there is almost no chance of me getting kicked or catching a football in the wrong place #and I don’t have to run right now either #I could do something #I know how #But even that is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation; because that ALSO makes me not want to do things #At least then I’d have a palpable (literally) excuse but uh…. I’m still kind of getting over the last time #I am on my phone all day and I recognize that’s bad; but the thing I need to do is to send an email… which is on my phone; so there’s that #hypocritical #idk there’s something about using limited supplies to deal with a problem that needs more and hoping for the best #it excites me #Makes me feel like a big boy who can handle serious situations #But if I create the problem then it means nothing except that I cannot handle problems at all #I should not have all the responsibilities I do because I am not entirely in my right mind #I am thinking about it though #It’s tempting #get behind me satan