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unrequitedloveletter · 6 months

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THE HALLOWEEK OF HURT: DAY ONE

Persevere- K.B x gn! reader

All right! Day one of the second year of this event, and a little bit has changed! First off, the title for the event--I recognize that while I am good for a bit of angst from time to time, a lot of what I aim for to be angst turns into hurt/comfort somewhere along the way.

Requests are open, but their closing deadline is changing--if you look at my bio, you'll see that requests are slated to close on the 10th of next month. To accommodate for myself and allow myself a bit more time to work on requests for my other account as well as write as much as I need to for my NaNoWriMo project, they're going to close on the 3rd of November instead. As such, fall event requests are open until the second. Requests not pertaining to the fall event will be open on the 3rd and close midnight AST on the fourth.

Fic type- angst and hurt/comfort

Warnings- none

On the first day of October, you woke to the sound of thundering Ketterdam rain as it pelted furiously against your window. It was the first of the autumn season and certainly not the last of it.

The downpour was the kind of rain that drove most indoors, ruined plans, made nights out ones punctuated by rain and wet feet as people ran from one club to the next.

Ketterdam was different to most other cities in Kerch, though. The rain never drove the locals back indoors because the rain was something that they were used to and for most, the only combative measures they felt the need to take were the act of putting on a suitable raincoat and grabbing the largest umbrella in their collection, as well as being sure to avoid the puddles when they stepped out of their homes and went about their nights.

You had a particular fondness for days just like that one. That day, particularly, was setting out to be the kind of day that set the scene for the rest of the month.

When it rained, it poured, and if the first day was to be of an indication as to how the rest of the month would go, the citizens of Ketterdam were in for a rainy October indeed.

That also meant that the Barrel was in for a treat, for the pigeons came aplenty in the autumn months and the rain would keep them inside the gambling dens longer than they would've stayed had there been sun.

October in and of itself had never meant much to you--sure, you loved the way that Ketterdam got during the fall and the way that it would stay until the city found itself within the throes of winter, but the month in and of itself had never really held any significance other than the fact that autumn meant rain and you had always held a particular fondness for rainy days.

That day was to be different, though, and it was to be different because you'd gotten home from a heist only the day before. You'd woken at nine that morning after getting home twelve hours before and resting two weeks worth of exhaustion and stress away after so many sleepless nights.

You lit a candle to combat the darkness of the room, the darkness that would've been long gone by that point had the day been sunny.

You debated going downstairs, where most residents of the Slat would be if they hadn't gone to Fifth Harbor to eat and watch the ever-so invisible Council of Tides control the flooding from the sea into the streets.

It would practically be a ghost town between those who'd crossed the street looking to gamble at the Crow Club due to its place so close to the Slat, those who'd dared to don a raincoat and grab an umbrella to go to Fifth Harbor, and those in the Slat who'd taken the day for what it was--a day to exist all comfy and cozy in their rooms, with a mug of hot chocolate and a good book.

You chose to stay in your room in the end, making sure you had a box of matches for when the power inevitably went out and you needed to have more than just one candle lit.

You grabbed a book from one of the set of five shelves that lined the wall across from your bed and set to reading, sighing a bit when you heard the all-too-familiar sound of a knock against your door.

"I'm not going to say no to you, Brekker," you said. "You and I both know that now. The door is unlocked if you find it within yourself to dare enter this room."

Kaz did dare and he entered with a smirk on his face, leaning heavily against his cane as he moved. For a moment, you wondered just how terribly his leg was handling the storm, but you forced your gaze to the book you were reading and tried not to think anything of the way he was gripping the head of his cane or the tilt of his body in the direction of his bad leg.

"How bad is it?" The words befell your lips before you could stop them, but you just laughed a bit at yourself and moved on. "The leg. How are you handling the storm?"

"It could be better," Kaz said. "A medik on the team brought pain medications to me last week. Vowed never to take them."

"You'll find that you need to," you said. "You're not immune from having weaknesses, Brekker. Everyone has to have at least one or they're not human."

Kaz sighed. "I know," he said.

It had felt like forever since you'd last had a genuine, full conversation with him.

In reality, the last full conversation you'd had had been in July and it was the first of October.

You were sitting in your bedroom, a book in your lap, a candle lit atop your dresser with the rain pelting against your window and acting in the place of music.

Kaz was standing across from you and looking at you like you were the love of his life but he would never acknowledge that.

"The rain has started," Kaz said.

"And according to reports, it is to continue for the next six days with only a couple of hours to give the city a break," you said. "And it is autumn, Kaz. You have spoken a grand total of thirty words to me since our last conversation three months ago--I've counted. Why talk to me now if you seemed perfectly content in never talking to me again, outside of the obligations of our jobs?"

Kaz paused, looking from you to the ground. You caught a glimpse of hopelessness, a there-and-then-not flash of the emotion within the watery depths of his blue-eyed gaze.

"We've talked," he said.

"No," you shook your head. "We haven't, and I know you think that love is weakness but I cannot do this any longer. I cannot keep waiting and hoping that someday you will see that people care about you and they are allowed to care about you, because I have known you since we were fifteen and in the four years that have passed since we met, I have realized that such a day will never come. You, Kaz Brekker, will never view love as anything but weakness when it is in fact the opposite."

Kaz swallowed. "So you're still in love with me, then?"

"I fell in love with you January of the year we took on the Ice Court and I have found it completely and utterly impossible to do anything but love you in the years that've passed since then."

"And the storm--the pain it brings, has not changed that?" You could sense that the words had a double meaning, a turn of phrase of which Kaz was not so fond.

The storm that came with loving him. The pain that was constantly brought on by the fact that the love you felt was something that Kaz never reciprocated. The complete and utter shock he felt when he acknowledged that through all of it, you still loved him--that you would love him through anything, you would love him until the sun set in his life for the last time and you would love him when his soul moved from one world to the next.

"I will love you until I have taken my last breath, Kaz. I have tried to understand why I am so deeply in love with you since I first realized, but I have not understood it yet. I will love you no matter how long the storm continues, I will love you through the pain and just to spite it," you said. "Even though you do not love me back--and if you do, you are too afraid of others turning that into leverage--I will love you far longer then it is worth. "

"And if this love persists?" Kaz asked. You wanted to punch him in the face for daring to ask it. He was treating how you felt about him like something that could be handled in a hospital room, like something that could be removed with a simple surgery that you would've been out of within the hour, but it was different. Love was always different.

"I really, genuinely, should hate you," you said. "I really should, but I don't. I can't. I do hate you to an extent, I suppose, but only on the nearly irrelevant basis of the fact that hating you is impossible for me after knowing you so long."

Kaz turned his gaze to the ground again. You wished that you could've slapped yourself in the face because of course you had fallen for the one person who could never, ever love you in turn.

"Will you leave?" Kaz asked, his voice breaking for what must've been barely half a second. "If the way that you feel about me persists, will you leave Ketterdam behind?"

"Do you want me to?" You asked. "Because sometimes, I look at you and I find that, if someone were to try to convince me that you loved me in return, I would believe them just based on what you think nobody sees in your gaze. Sometimes you--you look at me like I am to be the love of your life and you cannot stand the thought of having a love so great because you cannot stand the thought of weakness."

"Will you go?" Kaz asked.

"If you ask me to leave, I will be gone by nightfall," you said. "Ask me to go, and I'll do it. I'll just go, leave not a trace that I ever existed, for your convenience. Tell me to leave, Kaz."

Kaz bit his lip, looked up to the window and watched raindrops collide with the glass before sliding down it. He would not tell you to go because he wanted you to stay. He just wouldn't tell you that he wanted you to stay unless you asked him because there was a weight in his chest, weighing his entire body down along with it and he was sure that someday, unless something happened and Kaz moved on or you did, it would kill him.

"Tell me to leave," you repeated. "Tell me to go and I am gone without a trace, but I will not leave unless you would like me to, because frankly I have traveled quite a lot since I lost my family, and in all of that, I have found that Ketterdam is the place that suits me best. I am only willing to go if you tell me you'd like to see me gone."

"I can't," Kaz whispered. "I can't do that."

"Is that because you would like me to stay?"

"The very thought of you leaving kills me," Kaz said. "I don't--"

"Loving others is a weakness," you said. "Or--at least the admittance of it is a weakness to you. That's fine. I don't need you to say it, Kaz."

Kaz met your gaze.

Finally, he met your gaze.

Moments of silence passed. You got up and lit another candle as the sound of the rain grew more intense. Kaz moved to your bookshelves, busying himself with the act of scanning the titles on the spines.

You sat down again, debated going downstairs to get some tea. Silence enveloped the two of you, but it was comfortable, just as the silences between the two of you had always been.

"So you still love me, then?" Kaz whispered, his words barely audible in the light of the din.

"Yes," you said.

"And the storm--the pain it brings, will not change that?"

"No."

"That is a dreadful existence."

"It is a dreadful existence indeed but it is one through which I will persevere. It is one through which I have always persevered. I might go if I please, but--"

"Stay," Kaz whispered. "Please, Y/N. Don't go."

You watched Kaz turn around and head for the door. When one of his hands was on the handle, he paused.

"I do care about you," he said. "I've been in love with you since before the Ice Court. I just cannot handle the idea of the way I feel having you turned into leverage."

"I will persevere if such is to happen," you said. "Perseverance is what I'm good at. I promise, Kaz. Love does not always have to end in loss, and with us I know that it won't."

"Am I meant just to take your word for that?"

"You are," you said with a nod. "For what it is worth--I love you too. I will love you until you finally start to see love for what it is."

"Strength?"

"Strength indeed," you said. "Go rest your leg, Kaz. You can barely stand as it is. Another minute and I'll get Pim to get you a healer."

Kaz left, and you went back to reading, trying to force your heart to stop racing as you refocused your attention to the book in your lap.

#kaz brekker #kaz brekker x reader #six of crows #shadow and bone #shadow and bone netflix

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vendetta06 · 7 months

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I’ve feeling very blessed but even more stressed. not to be dramatic, but the most stressed I’ve ever felt in my entire life! like I am so happy and grateful to be chasing after my dreams with my best friends. I’m very proud of how far we have gotten by ourselves. but being in a band is the hardest thing I’ve ever done! it’s a self-inflicted suffer fest. we are putting our hearts, souls, blood, sweat and tears and ALL our money into this project. I feel like there’s a ticking time bomb in my head saying that if we don’t make it to the next level soon, then it’s all for nothing. feeling like my worth is wasting every minute that’s passing that we’re not “making it”. I’m aware that a lot of these feelings come from not wanting to die for a living any longer. when you realize that nearly everyone who’s made it came from nepotism while you’re working shitty and exhausting service jobs just so you could make music is defeating. it’s clouding my vision. so much anxiety from thinking about how bad I want this, how my time is running out, comparing myself to other peoples’ successes. struggling because I don’t know how to break us out, how to get noticed, what’s the next big gig. suffering from this ultimatum that I’ve made for myself. I’m so motivated, jealous, inspired, insecure. I’m going to fight for this the hardest than I’ve ever done even though I already feel so defeated.

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insurrection-if · 3 months

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Are you even working on the demo cause you spend time answering asks a lot for someone who should be busy writing. You haven't even made one progress update...not one. Bffr

Apologies for causing you so much frustration; it is certainly a frustration I share myself. I too am not happy about my state of progress either. Always am I uselessly lamenting the loss of time the hours of my work and hiatus have taken from this project, but I cannot help the fact that I live beyond the existence of this game. I sympathize with your sentiments here. That does not diminish how it hurts me to see these frustrations take firm root in another.

I do take a little issue with the phrasing of “someone who should be writing”—it is a bit too demanding in tone for a project and story that has no taken nothing from you other than your volunteered time and attention. I apologize again if you feel that I have been a waste of this time and attention you have given, but thankfully there are far greater—and completed—creative works in the world (and especially the IF community) for you to derive a more immediate enjoyment from in my place. If you consider my efforts and words here thus far worthless, then please spend your time seeking out others who more rightly deserve support, whether it be quiet or actioned in nature, though I do hope you refrain from giving any unconstructive negativity to those creators. Support of any real, or well-intentioned, worth should never be offered in an accusatory form.

I cannot be reduced to a servile entity that wakes, works, and writes in an endless, uninterrupted cycle for you. I am not some distant figment or a puppet machine that toils without exhaust and objectively produces content for the sake of a quota. I am a human person, no better—perhaps even lesser—than the average, with a life that demands and takes and upends even the best of my intentions. A stranger, and I apologize if this distancing term in any way offends or discomforts you, cannot determine for me what should be done with my life and limited time.

My demo will be free, my responses are free, and your time is freely given. No contract exists between us to bind you to my nonsense.

Would you like progress updates? I did not create them since I did not consider there to be an interest in these sorts of posts from me. It is easy for me to forget that others might have this project of mine on their mind beyond the short span of time it takes to read my response to a message or ask. Minimal posting is my comfort zone after all as this makes me feel like less of a clutter in the lives and time of other people. If it is so desired, then I will consider it, though they may be sporadic due to the personal discomfort I would need to surmount.

Would answering less asks honestly be reassuring for you? I know the volume of my responses to asks and comments is not the root, or even true, concern you hold—that would be the efficient use of my time to produce a demo / playable content at your earliest convenience—but if it brings more frustration than anything else to the majority then I can pause all responses in my inbox and drafts. I do not want to invest time, effort, and heart into something that will only cause anger or annoyance.

And again, I apologize if my tone is at all a bit too mean, angered, short, or sharp. It’s been a lot these past few weeks, mostly in terms of stress and crying. I feel a little incoherent as I write this. I do not want to cause any more disappointment than I what I am already blaming myself for.

Sorry.

#personal

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blackjackkent · 6 months

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The Ebbs and Flows of Programming

I got a very nice shoutout from @vexacarnivorous the other day as part of their writeup of resources in the codeblr sphere. It made me smile and I very much appreciated it. <3

It also made me think a lot.

Vexa shouted me out for the fact that I offer free programming tutoring as part of my Twitch livestream - which is very true, and I welcome anyone requesting it. I love helping people, especially those just getting into the industry. If you would like to reach out to me for assistance, learning, or just chatting about code, please, please do; I am always available for it.

Anyone paying attention, though, might have noticed I haven't done my coding stream except when tutoring in a number of weeks or really posted much about coding at all. The truth is, I haven't really done much programming outside of work for several months.

I've been hesitant to term it "burnout" because it hasn't come with the hallmarks we typically associate with that word - I don't feel depressed, I don't feel resentful or stressed really. But really it is a flavor of the same thing, and I think as someone who prides myself on representing what being a developer is Really Like, I think this sort of thing bears its own round of discussion.

Sometimes you just won't want to code, and that's also okay.

I think this is a difficult thing to conceptualize when you are a new developer. In my experience, those early years in the field are full of excitement and promise. You have so many ideas and there is so much to learn and every bit of new technique or technology feels like opening a treasure trove. For years, I was the poster child for this level of enthusiasm - late nights working on side projects and coming into work with dark circles under my eyes.

And I am not for a moment saying that's a bad thing! Ride that enthusiasm train as far as it will go whenever it comes into the station. :) This is an exciting field and I love seeing anyone get excited about an idea, implement it, run with it, feel fulfilled by making it.

What I want to talk about, though, is the days when it doesn't feel like that - because you will have them. Everyone has them. Personally, I'm 34 and tired. XD Sometimes I go through periods where I just want to play video games and not think about anything after work. And just as often, the urge to work on a project eventually comes back - probably quicker when I don't force it - but it's really easy to be too hard on myself for those periods where the enthusiasm isn't there.

The reason I think this is important to discuss is that there is a LOT of stigma, spoken and unspoken, in the industry against people who leave work at work. There's the concept of the 10x engineer - a developer whose productivity and output matches that of 10 "regular" engineers, and who is constantly in the trenches. There's the vocal admiration for people who drive themselves to distraction, working 80 hour weeks to achieve their vision of some killer app, side project, or even their company's product. This is viewed as the apotheosis of developer-hood, but in truth, it's unhealthy - both for those grinding that way and those who don't want to but are stuck with the image all the same.

I struggle with this image myself. The last few months, a recurring throughline in my therapy session has been - what am I bringing to the world if I'm not producing project output All The Time. It's been a little humbling stepping into the spaces of young developers to offer my help, and realizing that they are full of that exuberance and energy when I am in a slump where I am not.

But what I want to say here, ultimately, is this, and most likely it goes for other callings as well - sometimes you will feel the fire burning within you, and sometimes you won't. Don't get caught in the trap of feeling that your worth as a person (or as a developer) comes in passionate, all-consuming output. The important thing, always, is whether you are doing work, or living life, in a way that makes you feel fulfilled. And I, for one, am proud of you (and learning to be proud of myself) no matter what that looks like.

#bjk talks #codeblr #programming #software development #coding #this turned out kind of rambly and i'm not sure it matches the image of the post that i had in my head XD #but hopefully it helps someone

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sarcastic-pasta-games · 9 months

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Updates on Glitch:

Sushi and I came back to the team to talk about its future and what to do. With some rearranging of the events, we think we can simplify the game a lot while still telling the story we ultimately want to tell, but it’s possible it will be a trilogy, as finishing the game may mean making it a bit shorter. That being said, we will still give you time to get to know the new egos who come with this chapter and, of course, Sushi and I will be helping out with the writing and I have every intention of writing the finale myself exactly as I planned it.

Some new games have been added to chapter 3 (or what chapter 3 originally covered), which requires some time to set up, but that actually gave us time to program in some rather impressive Cuphead-like battles. Unfortunately, I’m not at liberty to share any pictures right now, but it’s looking good so far.

Updates on Truth and Consequences:

I’ve made it to the first trial of the third case! I had to pause for a bit because this case required a sheepish face for Athena and I didn’t have one, but I plan to get right back into it. At this pace, I’m expecting it to be finished relatively soon, but these cases take a very long time to make and this is the first multi-day one I’ve ever done, so there’s a lot to consider.

Oh and you didn’t think I’d end this little update without showing you that sheepish Athena face, did you? This is edited into the first case, but you can rest assured that you will see it and one other custom facial expression in this case.

Final thoughts:

I noticed that a lot of people have unfollowed us on our platforms, and I suppose it makes sense if you’re not interested in Ace Attorney, but we are still working on Glitch. As I told someone today, I can’t control the dopamine. This is the project my heart needed to work on. But that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to see Glitch through to the end. It’s just that the strain of directing such a large project was getting to me while T&C doesn’t require a major team. It’s very much my game, not quite a solo project but almost entirely written by me and I’m very pleased with it.

So if you enjoy games like Danganronpa or Zero Escape or Your Turn to Die, please give Ace Attorney a look! It’s well worth it, particularly the trilogy. Had Jack actually played the series, perhaps there’d be more interest, but he never got around to it (his loss) so I’m doing my best but I know there isn’t a huge overlap in audiences. I do want to hear from you guys though. What are your thoughts on this? Are you upset I’m working on a different game or because progress has been slow?

I don’t want to disappoint you all, but I also don’t want to put all my time and effort on something I don’t feel passionate about, and that was starting to stress me out.

~Dev Lily (Katie)

#sarcastic pasta games #glitch in the system #ace attorney #fan case #fan game #jacksepticeye #jse

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katyspersonal · 1 month

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Let’s talk about Adeline for once!

1. Do you project onto this character?

11. How did you “fall in love” with this character?

19. Does this character serve as a stress ball/ security blanket for you? Something you run to after a bad day to feel safe or happier?

Her!! 🌊 (Asks from this ( x ) as game)

1) Do you project onto this character?

Kiiiiinda...? a whole lot Although it would be more appropriate to say that I see myself in her than project, because the more relatable bits are "canon", actually xD She is a weird one out amongst the patients to not be scared of horrors of the Deep Sea but desire them, she is guilty of neglecting/not getting Maria's advice of going a more sparing road towards the Stars but then sorta gets it when Kos reveals the same advice to her in inhuman language, and she is so nervous about no longer being in contact with the horrors... I know all of this very intimately. (Mental health TMI warning) Heck, I am the type that gets nervous when hallucinations, voices or 'presences' are absent for a while because I have this deep belief I've failed as a human being and only by being in contact with "horrors" my life can have some meaning :^)

I'd say 'projection' bit comes through how I interpret her motivations! "Grooming" of Blood Saints IS a translation error and in the original the word is used to say "prepare"(as in medical procedure), but it doesn't exclude some sort of emotional manipulation, just makes it a choice rather than direct lore. But nope! I took Adeline as a volunteer in experiments, coming from her own depression (and even insanity), not listening to advices or warnings of people that wished better fate to her and trusting a guy who was obviously full of shit cultist because she is Just Like That and having a good time with horrors not because her sense of self-worth was reduced by Healing Church, but because she never had one.. Blood Saint era, I think, was her willing to sacrifice something about her to help people. Laurence benefitted from that, not created that! I am guilty of all this, so now she is too :> In other words, she has agency because I do.

11) How did you "fall in love" with this character?

It actually took me some time! And I actually feel ashamed of how 'selfish' my reasoning was :') I always liked her enough, but she raised so far in the top of my favs when I figured her connection to 'Sea' theme, yeah. Right after I properly analyzed it via Miyazaki's bad post-BB hangover in DS3. Hhhyhhhghj Basically, figuring we did have spiritual connection with this character 'activated' my brain to notice and focus on everything else about her. And I've found soooo many things.. I brought back the "Points of interests about Adeline" analysis just recently and so you probably believe me x)

19) Does this character serve as a stress ball/ security blanket for you? Something you run to after a bad day to feel safe or happier?

Oh, absolutely! Whenever I scrutinize how far I've spiraled and it gives me feelings of self-hatred, I do find comfort in knowing that "I am just like Saint Adeline for reeeeal!!!!!1! XD". ......representation matters....? And comfort character term especially fits, because in most cases I focus on her when I have a bad day! (Don't worry and send me DMs when I do post about her though! Like I said, she DOES make me feel better already!)

#bloodborne #saint adeline #ask replies #there is so much to discuss argh.. I gave myself a headache trying to reply from workplace though #I really should just wait till I get home for other asks gghhhhh #you just activated my monkey brain x) (rip customers 💀💀💀)#personal

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thomotomo · 4 months

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Hi! Hope you're having a good day! I'm the same anon who requested the love triangle of Faker x reader x Keria, my fixation for League and T1 came stronger than ever this time, my mind only thinks about faker, I just can't help it. TT

Maybe I'm projecting myself in this one, but like...Faker with a reader who is studying arts and like, although the reader loves what he does, he can't help but feel anxiety and sadness cuz, you know, it's very difficult to live from being an artist. I just know Faker would hug and comfort us and tell us that everything will be fine. :(

This is probably too long lmao, but I just needed to get it off my chest! Have a good day/night. <3

A/N: Heya anon! Thanks for trusting me with your request again hehe 🫶 I sooo feel you on only having Faker on your mind, I totally relate lmao- I was fast to write this one hehe (it hit veeeery close from home for me too lmao) I hope you'll enjoy it~

You didn't knew why you started feeling this way. You had always been so sure about the path you wanted to take but now the only thing you could do was worry. Maybe it was the fact that this was your last year in school and after that you'd be thrown into the wild west of adulthood and job hunting and you were scared of that?

You were deeply in love with what you were studying, even if it was hard at times with all the deadlines and such but you were really interested in your domain, it had been hard to push for your parents to allow you to study in this field. After all it wasn't the most lucrative nor recognized path, even though it had became widely accepted lately it was still hard to make a proper living out of it and talking about it during meals with your family was a risk to have a ton of judgement from them. So you couldn't vent your frustration and sadness to them whenever you met up and it was weighing heavily on your mind.

You stepped inside your apartment putting down your bag at the entrance and took off your shoes. You headed into your room and laid face down on your bed, you felt very empty and very stressed. The anxiety was slowly creeping up on you. You stood up suddenly and decided to take a look at all the drawings you had made throughout your college years, your favourite photographies looming over you and an immense dread was filling you as you looked at each of these - your- art pieces. You had always loved looking back on your growth but right now, they all looked so ugly.

And so, your mind could only criticise all of the mistakes you were seeing. You couldn't help but get the urge to destroy it, after all was it really worth it? You wouldn't be guaranteed a living right out of college, you probably wouldn't make enough to live a comfortable life unlike office workers and yet it was the path that you were headed in, you were really into it but your mind was filled with doubts, what if you couldn't find anything? You still had to pay your bills somehow so most likely you'll have to find a full time job in a shitty supermarket and then you'll just be too focused on making money to try to pursue your dream and you

You were so engrossed in your downward spiral and panic that you hadn't heard Sanghyeok coming back. He stepped into your bedroom and as he saw how much you were engrossed into your panic, he sat down next to you and gently took your hand in his.

"(Y/N)-ah? Are you okay?"

You looked at him with wide eyes, his face softened as he watched your eyes filling with tears, you sniffled and put down your sketchbook. Sanghyeok picked up and put it back on your table, and seated again next to you, the two of you had already spoken about this and your feelings towards your future work area but he had never seen you in this state before.

"I'm sorry.", you chuckled between two sniffles.

"Don't be it's okay. Do you want to speak about it?"

You didn't say anything and just shook your head negatively. Your boyfriend wrapped an arm around your shoulder, trying to give you with the best of his abilities, a hug. He gently pressed kisses on the temple of you head. He knew what you felt, the uncertainty of the future and of your career, he had felt the same multiple times throughout the years and he knew that reassurances didn't always help but he was here, and support was probably the best thing he could give to you.

"Don't worry too much right now. I'll be with you every step of the way okay?"

You nodded quietly, wrapping your arms around his waist, nuzzling into his neck, trying to calm yourself down. Sanghyeok's warmth was already making you feel better, you were already quite clingy usually but when you were in this kind of mood it was even worse. The older male was gently patting your hair as your hiccuping slowed down and you got your head out of his neck, using one of your hands to swipe away the tears. Sanghyeok looked at you with a small smile on his lips, you still looked very adorable even after crying, and well, he had brought back some of your favourite meat to cook.

"I have everything to make you donkatsu, would you feel better if I do that?"

Your eyes shined in excitement as soon as you heard the word "donkatsu". Sanghyeok chuckled and stood up, bringing you with him, the two of you headed to the kitchen and you watch as your boyfriend started to work on your food. The two of you were discussing, some quiet music playing in the background, calming your nerves, you helped him into making the sauce and the rice so the two of you could eat quicker, despite Sanghyeok's protests.

When the meal was ready you took a seat on your couch and you couldn't help but admire the food and observe your favourite man bringing back chopsticks and your preferred soda. Sanghyeok looked at you curiously, his lips being turned up in a cat-like gentle smile.

"Thank you for being here for me Hyeok..."

"Of course jagi. Here eat and ease your mind."

He took a piece of the meat and fed it to you making your cheeks flush slightly, making him grin. The two of you ate in a very comfortable silence and once you finished the meal you both cleaned up the plates and Sanghyeok laid down on couch opening his arms to you. You chuckled and laid down on him, breathing in his scent.

"I know you're worried about the future but as I said I will always be here for you. I know what you feel and just as you're supporting me, I'll support you."

Your heart swelled as you listened to him talk, and your arms tightened around him. Sanghyeok gently kissed the top of your head, soothing a bit of your anxiety away. You laid there, listening to his heartbeat, which definitely helped you calming down and made you drift away into a nice sleep.

#male reader #male reader insert #x male reader #faker x male reader #lck x male reader #t1 x male reader #t1 faker #t1 fanfic

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i--antimony · 4 months

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2023 year in review roundup

wow!! what a fucking year!!! goodbye and good riddance! happy first day of 2024!

this year i did 37 tuesdayposts! there were 53 tuesdays so that's about 70%! some of them were on fri/sat instead as shabbosposts but i think posting on tuesday or even monday does just work better for some fucking reason. maybe because friday and saturday are days that i am most likely to do New Activities for making/playing/watching/reading??? and so on monday or tuesday i can recap the just-finished weekend. shrug! we love tuesday so it's fine.

listening listened to all of twilight mirage and a little over half of partizan! shrieking shack podcast, just king things, well there's your problem, miscellaneous music (maneskin probably a notable winner in there)

reading a lot of little articles. a little tgcf. SO much fanfic. 'every heart a doorway' (bad). 'birthday of the world' le guin (good).

playing a little disco elysium. a little minecraft. a little nier automata. a little hadesgame. a LOT of pokemon go. and i got into magic the gathering this year!

watching a lot of youtube videos. so many gd youtube videos. evangelion, history of the world part ii, cunk on earth, vox machina animated series, cowboy bebop, first season of peaky blinders, the new tgcf donghua season!

making i did very little drawing/painting/illustration beyond life drawing a few times...however i was very prolific in crafting! i also theoretically made valentines gifts. i do not remember what they were tho lol.

fiber arts: i completed a big embroidery project (fermenting dregs album art hoodie), quantum shawl, mesh market bag, case for my knew laptop, finished that blue tank top even though i hate it, fixed the lining on my yellow knitted cowl, made a little knitted headphone top cover that i will probably redo differently, headband ear warmer for my roommate's mom, and FINALLY i just barely finished the scarf for my SO before the end of 2023!

print block carving: wristwatch print, gavelbocken holiday card print

misc/writing: some songxuexiao fencing au. some harrowhark abhorsen au. neocities website!

and so much pottery! this is all of it, barring the things i already gave away as presents before this photo (two pots and a little box and the little raven guy), but wow! that's so many fuckin object!

misc what a fucking year. some bad! had to file a big car insurance claim! got really sick while abroad and that persisted for a long fucking time! mini summer breakdown! some good stuff too - passed quantum mechanics FOREVER good fucking bye, did my first successful academic conference, finally started feeling better around the end of the year! learned my lesson: it's not fuckin worth stressing yourself to death over, and also i can't just Be At Home Aimlessly for months any more. it's bad for my mental health.

reviewing 2023 resolutions and goals --> I’d love to start writing again and play more horn but we’ll see i basically didn't do any creative writing at all this year barring a few lines of fanfic ideas (the abhorsen/tlt crossover one) HOWEVER i READ a lot of fanfic to marinate in and i played a LOT more french horn!! i joined the little youth orchestra which is like, uber goofy, but it means ive been playing on a regular basis again!

--> I also wanna listen to more weird music, and invest in actually owning some files, especially for some of the lesser-known bands and through bandcamp and stuff i spent all year meaning to do this and kept pushing it off so it rolls over into next year.

--> I really want to kind of dial those [unhealthy coping mechanisms] back again, focus more on existing in Reality and more in each moment, which hopefully will also help with some of the skin picking and other anxious habits that resurfaced. maybe more yoga, maybe re-establishing a meditation process lol lmao. nah. but definitely rolling it over into 2024.

--> I would love to think more about my fashion and how I present myself too, and work on making and tailoring more of my clothing in general actually not bad! basically zero tailoring but i did a pretty good job wearing some cute outfits.

--> I’ve been pretty good about being active so I’d like to keep that up, I still can’t do a pull-up but maybe this is the year! (lol) I should also start doing some minor exercises for my shitty arthritis toes to keep those okay once again: lol lmao. health issues had me really regress in some of my gains goals. plus side is toes are doin pretty normal.

--> a lot of last year was kind of a wash regarding research so I’m really looking forward to refocusing on that and really getting things moving. oh it moved! in a good way! i'm making good progress and hopefully i will keep that momentum going!

--> finally! I want to get back to tabletop! I miss doing it so much! it fell by the wayside for me because of how busy and overwhelmed I was, especially this past fall semester, but I want to start running and playing games with my pals again a little! i should have been putting these in playing as i went oops. the tabletop group i've run was a little fallow this year due to at least half of our group, including myself, not being in Tabletop Mood but we've played a lot of res arcana and other such games instead.

i had a few other resolutions in my digital planner on my ipad that didn't go in the writeup last year: namely, practice languages more (i did practice my mandarin a little but did not really learn any hebrew or korean unfortunately) and establish a non-software component of my research (nope, not in the cards, but i'm hoping to do something else this summer to let me get better with physical data/setups), and finishing the masters degree requirements (that will be the end of this upcoming spring semester), but overall i really did hit most of my resolutions and goals! even with being ill for a while! (except the finances. i am simply not looking at them <3)

2024 resolutions and goals

definitely some rollover! i will format this to hopefully be a little easier to respond to next year:

- get back on a regular workout schedule: swimming 1x a week, weights once or twice a week. would like to try and work towards my One Pullup goal again. would also be cool to try and work towards a hand/headstand. - try and be more mindful. i'm going to continue the grief therapy but also think about meditating more, doing more yoga, and so on. - there's a gallery on main street that solicits work from local artists for bimonthy themed exhibitions and i really want to submit at least one thing to it this year! the one due by end of january is themed 'florals', and the one two months after that is 'layers', so i'd really like to submit something to one of those. - more weird art! use that big canvas i bought in literally 2022! paint!!! - finally put together that travel journal from korea & japan (and also scrapbook-ify the papers i have leftover in a pile from that) - also, maybe do current scrapbook a little different? might need a new binder at the very least. - hang up that expensive quilt i bought in august - speaking of quilt: do some hand quilting, english paper piercing! i have so much fucking fabric! - find a new apartment to move into that hopefully won't suck! - try to secure some sort of summer internship or project that will let me develop some new skillsets that i might not be getting with my current research - finish the masters degree - write...a paper? for the work i just presented??? - keep tweaking neocities and make some more pages - keep track of recipes this year as well in my making section

i might start a little spreadsheet this year to keep better track of all my stuff because i really did Not want to go through all my separate listening and reading sections and extract what i liked the most, etc. this post required me to first back up a few extra early tuesdayposts from this year to dreamwidth, and then skim all of them to accumulate the above, and that was kinda a pain. and i love an excuse to start a new spreadsheet.

we did it! happy 2024! i don't think i have anything else to add to this wrapup but if i think of something i'll tack it into the upcoming Normal Tuesdaypost tomorrow! good job good night and good luck everyone!

#tuesdayposting

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frtools · 3 months

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Januari update

Happy new years!

So this month I got a few more things working, though I did not really get everything done that I had planned for myself. Nonetheless a few things are worth mentioning, they are all related to the Discord bot so if you (used to) use that then you will like these updates!

My personal future got a lot more secure too, the job I have been working at offered me a permanent contract with a nice salary bump too. Stress levels have been low as a result! 💖

This post is a bit big, due to images and a lot of explaining text. To save reblogs from blasting people's dashboards there is a keep reading snip.

First of all, costs. This month the total cost was comparable to December, sitting at €8.51. As predicted, now that more stuff is being slowly re-added things like storage and database costs are going up. But really it is such an insignificant amount compared to the previous hosting solution this is essentially free.

Discord

So what has changed to the discord bot? Well, a lot of things really. I got announcements to work! But it isn't as straightforward as before, but I did my best to keep it as simple as possible. The biggest thing is that I moved server location. It was in Australia before (don't ask, I was tired) and now it is in EU West. It being hosted in Australia significantly increased the response time of the bot, but it is all nice and fast now!

Discord Announcements

I can go into a lot of detail but the gist of it is that the bot in its current iteration is not actually a bot that can read and send messages in channels. While it has the [✓ BOT] icon next to the name it isn't actually 'there'. Everything is handled through HTTP requests, almost no different from you browsing the internet. As such I had to get a bit creative in how the bot sends messages without someone interacting with the bot, as such let me introduce you to: Webhooks!

You might have heard of, or used, webhooks with another bot before. Or some website offers webhook service that you can hook into Discord. This is really no different. You supply the bot with a webhook through an interaction and from then onward I use that webhook to post messages to.

Through the use of the /config command you can set up the webhooks on your server, assuming you have the Administrator permission on your server. Due to Discord's own limitations, the config navigation is not as clean as I would like it to be, but it works.

You might notice that New Items is back as well, yay! Still needs some work though, but in the simplest sense it works. Filters will come soon™️.

Now we just had the Crystalline Gala event and oh man, the New Items announcer got put through its paces. You see webhooks have a big advantage over normal messages being send by bots; they can hold up to 10 embeds each. So I took full advantage of that.

The video below shows just 5 messages, of varying amounts of embeds!

Lookup

I've added a new feature to the /lookup command too, allowing you to influence the result of the preview of the item (when applicable). For example, if you use the id lookup feature and the item is for a specific breed or gender (like a skin) then the supplied parameters don't do anything. Or when the gene is for an ancient breed it will only take into account your gender parameter.

That's all for this month, I got nothing too broad planned for Februari besides polishing the things above. I am missing stuff like custom emojis in the webhooks, the color of the embed is always black, etc. Small stuff really. I might work a little bit on getting the website part up again, but as it will be entirely different from before and thus a complete rewrite I will not throw out any promises. I have some ideas on how I want to do it but that way is essentially entirely new to me.

Speaking of, this entire project was originally started to advance my own knowledge and experience in things that I did not have much experience in as a professional programmer and thus far I am still learning new things almost every time I open up my editor. I am having a blast with this hobby project! (especially now that I no longer pay an arm and a leg for hosting)

Do you have any ideas on what you would like to see next? Something you feel should be changed? Just throw out random ideas? Reblog or post a reply, or send me an anonymous ask if you prefer!

#fr tools news #fr tools #frtools #fr #flight rising #flightrising #fr discord bot #discord bot #fr resources

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wolfsbane-if · 1 year

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Discussing some Thoughts regarding Wolfsbane and the future of the game below

So, as many of you know, Chapter Four's reception was somewhat mixed.

While no one is wrong for having a negative reaction to the chapter and sharing their feedback regarding it, it was also very much not an enjoyable experience for me and not one I care to repeat going forward. I write for fun, and fielding the update's reception was anything but: it made engaging with my own work afterwards very difficult, and there were many times where I wondered if I had messed up, if I wasn't cut out to write a more serious story and if I should abandon the project altogether. I'd only ever intended to write and share the prologue initially anyway, so it was already a far greater accomplishment than I'd ever anticipated I would achieve.

But I still love this story, and I don't think I want to abandon it. I do think I need to change how I do things to make the experience more manageable for myself, though. For a while I brainstormed a few different options, and ultimately settled on this: I think it would be best to no longer update Wolfsbane on a chapter-by-chapter basis. While the fact that the ending of Chapter Four left a lot up in the air was probably exciting for some, I also think that sense of displacement and not knowing what to expect prompted others to assume the worst and react in unfavourable ways.

I'd like for my work to speak for itself, and so I think I would benefit from sharing my writing publicly when it's at points where there are fewer loose ends to address. While there will definitely still be people who simply don't like the direction the writing takes - and that's totally fine - I hope that having some closure at the end of a given update will help to mitigate some of the potential stress that comes from reading an unfinished story and being left hanging, especially after more dramatic events. I don't know for sure that it will help anything, but I figure it's worth a shot.

With all that being said, don't expect the next update anytime soon. Between working on other projects and not really wanting to look at Wolfsbane for the last little while, it's seen very little progress, and I don't know when the next public update will be in a shareable state with this new policy in place. Thank you all very much for understanding.

Additionally, there's the matter of Garamond and romance in the game. I'm still getting messages complaining about the situation and, honestly, I'm just so exhausted and worn down by the whole topic at this point. I like romance in IFs a lot, but from day one I've kind of gotten this impression that it's the only thing a lot of people care about, or that a relationship without romance is viewed as lesser or not worth someone's time. One of the first asks I received was wondering "who are the romance options", rather than if there were any, and I've gotten several more like it since. That romance is treated as a given in the larger IF community - and often the focus, from what I've seen, even in non-romance games - saddens and frustrates me, as I believe there's so much value to be had in strong friendships that's often overlooked by adult-oriented media.

I've said from the start that romance isn't the focus of Wolfsbane, that I cherish the found family the characters have formed and want to highlight that before anything else, and at this point I feel that including what aspects of romance I have within Wolfsbane may have been to its detriment. Perhaps it's my fault for communicating it poorly, but to say from the start that romance isn't the focus and to receive a vast number of messages asking about it anyway has always felt... disheartening.

I do still believe that exploring the various kinds of love that people can experience - and the complications that arise from two individuals having very different desires/expectations in a relationship - can be very interesting and worth writing about in interactive fiction. It's a very real, very human experience, and was something I was eager to juxtapose against the idea of "monsters". But I also feel the need to reevaluate whether or not it ultimately has a place in this story, if its inclusion detracts from the overall message, or if I should change how it's approached.

These thoughts are very much incomplete and I don't know yet what, if anything, I'll alter or remove regarding romance in Wolfsbane, or how the trajectory of the story going forward might change. For now, just ignore what I said about a childhood friends Garamond having had feelings for the MC growing up; I don't know if it's an element worth keeping.

And I think that's everything; thank you to everyone who took the time to read this and to those of you who continue to enjoy my writing <3

#leftski talks #I never want writing to become a chore or something I dread y'know?#so I'm trying to be conscious of ways I can make the experience better for myself #at the end of the day it's just a hobby

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riemmetric · 2 months

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Some thoughts about storytelling and TV shows.

I'm going through a stressful time right now (for happy reasons, though!) and so I've fallen a little bit in a habit of watching random episodes of various shows I'm interested in before bed. Because I'm impatient and my brain goes a million kilometers per hour, I can't help but read IMDB pages and look at tumblr gifs, so a lot of the stuff I watched is already "spoiled" for me (in quotations marks because these are called spoilers, but they don't always stop me from watching a a show or take away from my enjoyment of it).

This post contains spoilers.

I watched Sports Night in the last two weeks because of Aaron Sorkin's writing and it made me think about how much the constraints coming for the network producing the show influence the story. The show was marketed as a comedy, even featured a laugh track in the first season, the episodes were only 20 minutes, and it didn't survive past the second season. The ratings were just not good. There are plenty of interesting themes in this show that I felt were only superficially explored and I blame it on all of the factors I listed. We didn't get a deep dive into Dan's mental health issues, because it wouldn't have been very funny. We didn't get any closure on the Dana and Casey situation, because the show ended prematurely. There was very little debate about the importance of sports and sports journalists, because the episodes were only 20 minutes, and they also had to contain jokes and relationship drama and an obligatory heartfelt monologue at the end. I'm so, so happy that Sorkin remade this idea into The Newsroom, a much more serious show, with a bigger budget, the ability to say fuck and a timeline that feels complete. It was an idea so good it was worth a second try and it paid off. It made me think about all the ideas I wasn't skilled enough to make happen, it made me think about all my past projects that deserve a second chance and it made me at peace with the concept of reusing writing that I love in new ways. Nothing is ever truly lost.

I watched a few episodes of The Good Wife because of Josh Charles and Matt Czuchry (only Matt was not enough to convince me to watch a seven season legal drama). I found them interesting, compelling, and I love they way they were filmed and colored (they remind me of Suits and The Newsroom, which both aired around the same era of television; some parallels to think about here). But I couldn't help myself and I read the IMDB page of the show, which told me Josh Charles' character dies in the middle of season 5. I watched that episode (minus epsilon, plus epsilon, which is a fun way for me of saying I also watched the episode before and after) and I liked how the story portrayed the sudden death of an important person in the characters' lives, the grief and the dissonance that come with going through a life altering event before lunch and having to continue the rest of the day among people who have no idea what just happened. It's a good piece of writing and in real life death does happen at inconvenient times, it does make you ask why over and over again with no answers to be had, so the death of a beloved character in the middle of a season is anything but unrealistic. But I couldn't help wondering. Did it really happen because the writers thought it was an important story to be told, or did it happen because Josh Charles wanted to leave the show? (I haven't gone to investigate this thought). Was the story the most important thing considered here, or was simply a contract, a real life issue, dictating the story, taking it in a different direction that was originally planned? It made me think about how fickle of a medium TV is, about all the different ways in which parts of the story have to be sacrificed. It made me think about the different ways in which writers have to adaptable, about how in TV you are sometimes forced to kill your darlings instead of it being just good advice. And it made think about the fascinating process of writing a story with the help of a community, all these different people - actors, directors, editors - contributing to the story. It's not the writer at their desk controlling everything, it's a different beast entirely, a beast with many hearts.

#on writing #writerblr #writeblr #i'm putting it in these tags because it is very much an analysis of storytelling #on storytelling #sports night #the good wife #thoughts

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linklethehistorian · 2 months

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So I very rarely get super personal on this blog just for the sake of it, but given there was already a much…darker version of this post sitting in drafts until just a short while ago, and maybe someone here might need to hear an uplifting real-life story tonight, I figured I’d go ahead and draft up and post this anyway.

See, I’m sure all of y’all here have noticed my relative lack of activity with any large project over the past five months, but what y’all don’t know is that this has largely been due to some pretty serious health issues — not the least of all being that…over the past…three-ish months of those five, I have had to stare down the very real possibility that I might have a pretty serious form of Leukemia. I was bounced from doctor to doctor about this, test after test, and not much of it looked good, if I’m being perfectly honest.

During all of that time up to today, I had been sitting around contemplating much of my existence, and how, at last, when the most difficult news of all came, I would break that news to everyone — what I would do, say, etc. I must’ve run through all the scenarios a million times, drafted up at least ten different letters for different people in my life, even recorded a cover of a song through which I wanted to say goodbye to everyone here, if it came to it (and which still sits in my video gallery currently, as though still waiting to be used).

Needless to say, although they had their moments as life always does, these past months have been overall a living Hell, and it only got progressively worse with every new piece of concerning news, up until today — the day I finally was able to go see the oncologist. (Doctors are often booked out for months around here rn — weeks at best.)

Prior to the visit, I had been informed by my GP that the oncologist would overlook all of my results ahead of time, and call to cancel the visit with me herself if she found/determined there was nothing worth being concerned over.

Well, the cancel call never came, so I think you can understand when I say that I went in full expectation of the worst case scenario; I mean, clearly she had thought it critical enough to keep the appointment, so that kind of spoke volumes for itself even without having seen her.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the long time spent alone in the doctor’s office, waiting for her to arrive: there was some of the most gorgeous, peaceful instrumental music you could imagine playing softly, and as I was sitting there, forms in hand, staring down the room around me, I was just thinking to myself how that music clearly said exactly what this place was: it’s a place where people go to get basically the worst news of their lives imaginable, and try their best to cope with and struggle against their mortal illnesses. And this music was so pretty and peaceful because the patients needed it.

And here I was. Today I was one of those patients.

I sat there contemplating over my life and realizing that this was going to be the last moment that anything was even somewhat normal again for me. The last moments before life changing news.

I can’t begin to explain how that feels.

…And then the doctor came in and she was immediately telling me, like, more or less, “Oh honey, why are you here? lol We tried to call you to tell you not to come in — you don’t need all this stress for no reason, go on home, there’s nothing to worry about, you’re fine.”

Apparently she had, in fact, made an attempt to contact me because she wanted to spare me the stress of coming after reviewing the results and deciding I was fine, just like my GP said, but the call just hadn’t gone through.

The relief that I have inside of me today knowing that I am okay is beyond anything I could ever put into words. I cried the entire several hour drive home, and even now, as I type this up, I find myself tearing up just a little again in sheer gratitude and amazement and comfort.

Even if things had gone badly, I wouldn’t have had any regrets, but truly nothing makes me happier to know that I will be around for a long, long while here still — with the people and things that I love, with the strangers, with the haters, and everyone else in between.

Please never take life for granted. Live in the present and try to be as grateful for every moment as you possibly can. Life really is beautiful and precious and so, so worth living, so live it to the fullest and always remember that there can be hope.

No matter how bad things seem, there’s always a chance for hope to shine through.

It did for me. It can for you too.

I love you all so much.

#linklethehistorian #thoughts #my thoughts #non fandom #nonfandom #advice #…kinda? Not exactly tho #life has been rough and I plan to take a little while to finally just breathe #do things as they come #I’m just so thankful to be alive

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danpuff-ao3 · 1 year

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Embroidery Commission

I was going to do a longer introduction but really I can't tease the people like that. That would be quite rude of me!

This, my friends, is the gorgeous embroidery hoop I commissioned from @onbeinganangel!!!!

Okay you have the goods now, read ahead if you're ready for Danni babbling.

Yesterday morning, I got an email from our apartment's Amazon hub that I had a package ready for pickup. And since I knew exactly what it was, I was annoyed (cuz it's early and I'm at work and I have to wait) and excited (cuz MY HOOP!!!!!)

After work, I rushed home, ran to the hub, grabbed my treasure, and pranced back to my apartment. You know, carefully. I wasn't sure how delicate I needed to be and I was risking this hoop for nothing!

Above pictures is what I found inside the box. My hoop carefully and beautifully wrapped in tissue, and a sweet note!

And if you know me at all, you'll know I was too excited to rip right into it. I don't know if anyone else deals with this, but my excitement levels get so high I just don't know what to do with myself! Have to smile and shriek and dance a bit. Shake out all those nerves! Breathe a bit (because oxygen is important.) (That's what I'm told anyway.)

Once I had my wits about me, I very carefully peeled back the tissue and beheld my beautiful hoop!

And started crying, of course.

(If you know me at all, that won't surprise you, either.) (Overactive tear ducts, I swear to Merlin.) (Or maybe that's just me being overemotional...either way 🤷‍♀️)

It was in early November that I reached out to Mari. She had posted about making sure she could get commissions done in time for Christmas, and while I didn't need anything by Christmas, it did prompt me to think "hey...maybe I could commission something!"

If you've not seen Mari's embroidery, you should definitely check it all out! (Conveniently: click here.) Her work is gorgeous, and it's extra special to have another craft used for fandom purposes! Fan writing? Great! Fan art? Great! Fic binding? Oh cool! Fan embroidery???? Oh god I'm in love. (Also Mari writes, so here's her AO3.) (We have to stan a multi-talented queen.)

I was a wee bit nervous, because I've always been hesitant to ask about commissions from people who I don't know are okay with Snarry. My OTP is so controversial to others, but so beloved to me, and so I rarely reach out, but...I don't know. I couldn't help it! It seemed like too cool an opportunity to not try for, and Mari seemed so sweet so I figured if she let me down, she'd do so gently!

...because obviously I'm going to commission Snarry things. Much as I love other ships, if I'm spending my hard earned money, it's going to be Snarry. 😍

As you can see: it was not a problem!

What I most wanted was a piece for my pride and joy, Contempt. I wiffle-waffled a bit. I thought Orange Blossoms might have better imagery for embroidery, but I already had a fanart done for Orange Blossoms, and while more is more...I really, really in my heart needed a physical representation of my beloved Contempt.

I felt a bit bad about the timing and assured her I didn't need it by Christmas and to prioritize Christmas projects (even though I was quite eager for this!) Like: "I saw your post about Christmas commissions but...this is not for Christmas!" Anyway between the Snarry worries and timing guilt and my anxiety...that should tell you how much I wanted this piece! And let me tell you, it was worth fighting anxiety for!!

The other tricky part of commissions is me trying to give creators an idea to work with, while also stressing that I value their creative input more than my own vision. Everyone is different; more details are useful for some while others enjoy the creative freedom more. (So of course I fretted about that, too.) But generally I am drawn to creators for their own skill and creativity and want as much of themselves in there as possible! I have so much respect and admiration for other creators!! And why I want so dearly to support them however I can! (And to also selfishly benefit from it, not gonna lie.) (Look at this thing!)

What I gave Mari to work with were primarily the quotes. Both are spoken by Harry in the work, though in separate portions of the fic. I wasn't sure how weird that would be, but I don't know...they go so well together and really sort of sum the whole story up! My ultimate love/hate endeavor!

As for the imagery, I had suggestions for that, too: the door to Snape's quarters have "serpents entwined with ivy and dahlias" and there are moments in the story where other flowers are given, those being white gardenias and forget-me-nots. Between my personal love of flowers and animals, as well as my great love for symbolism, and the role they all play in the story...well, I'm glad they all fit in! (Also, Mari is a champ for listening to all my rambling about symbolism and vibes haha!)

From one of our email exchanges, I mentioned: "It's a very stark, intense story. A bit brutal. Lots of shame. Riding that line between love and hate. That's another part of why I like nature imagery; all of the beauty and brutality of the world around us." And I feel like it came through! It feels very simple and natural. It looks a bit like fallen, fragile flowers and a snake slithering along, a sort of unsuspecting seduction. (Sorry, I sure love to read into things!)

Honestly, Mari was such a joy to work with. She has such a good eye for design and color! And such clear skill. She was easy to talk to, happy to communicate, and best of all so kind and patient and sweet! And in the end, she crafted something truly priceless.

Contempt is truly the story of my soul. (If you follow me, you're probably tired of hearing about it LOL.) The concept has lived with me for so long. Writing it was a true labor of love. Having this piece of it to hang on my wall is genuinely so meaningful. I cried when I first saw the finished product (via email) and cried again when I had it in hand. And again when I hung it on my wall.

It's not in its final spot just yet. A few inches to the right (not pictured) is a Hogwarts plaque that I plan to move to another wall this weekend, so I can move the hoop a bit to the right. But I was much too eager to share this to wait until the weekend! But this should still give you an idea of what my Snarry wall looks like, and will more or less look like after the shift. (The art beside the hoop is the Orange Blossoms art mentioned earlier, by LuEndland!)

Mari, thank you so much again for working with me and creating this truly precious hoop! Also: feel free to make your own post if you like, one with less word vomit haha! You are a true angel, I hope you know!!

To everyone else: if you've been thinking of commissioning an embroidery hoop...for sure do it!!!! 10/10 do recommend.

Also please expect more photo dumps once my work space is all set up!!

#embroidery #snarry #contempt #onbeinganangel

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basilbellona · 1 year

Text

HK Headcanon: Monomon was a decade or two away from cracking electricity.

I've seen it suggested (I genuinely cannot remember if it was by more than one person and I apologize, but I know it was at least suggested here) that Monomon is responding for creating charged lumaflies. This is likely due to 1: a tank of them being near her resting place, which indicates they might have been a more private research project. 2: They're also found in many areas througout Fog Canyon. And 3: it lines up with her science-lady perception and some chemical reactions have been observed to create electricity. (I'm not a chemist, do not use me as a reference.)

But I also favor the notion of them being a natural phenomenon that absolutely n o b o d y has any idea about.

And Monomon making it her personal mission to figure out what, why, and how these creatures are.

Part 1: Lumaflies v.s. Charged Lumaflies

According to the Hunter, "[t]hey usually drift about peacefully, but sometimes they cluster together and spit out a sharp, crackling flash that will stun and burn even large beasts like myself." It is unclear if by this he means regular lumaflies cluster together and combine their innate electrical charges or if charged lumaflies are a subspecies of lumaflies. Their differing behavior suggests the latter, but there's not many groups of lumaflies in peaceful, natural to compare them to. (The infected state of the lumaflies in the Watcher Knight's room certainly can't be considered normal circumstances.) It's a small, inconsequential mystery for the player in Hallownest’s ruins.

Part 2: Canon Use of (Charged?) Lumaflies and Associated Precautions

Assuming that lumaflies and charged lumaflies are of the same species, it makes sense that they're kept in separate glass lamps. The large chandeliers in the Watcher Knights' room have separate lamps to seemingly hold one or a few lumas as light sources, and likely to prevent a harmful shock. (The lower parts of these chandeliers seem slightly more opaque. Might be made of quartz, designed to produce a dispersed, aesthetic glow. But these parts appear to hold at least 1-3 lumaflies— unless they're flat sections of glass/quartz? Anyways,) I imagine the first crafters of luma-lamps and lumafly carers learned the hard way not to put a bunch of (agitated) ouch-flies in a jar. It might be brighter but, definitely not worth the potential danger. Thus, the separate lamps are put into practice. Can it be called inefficient if it's safe? Perhaps not, but that probably wouldn't stop the Teacher from trying to find a way to make it better.

Part 3: Integration of Electricity and Charged Lumafly Husbandry

That makes me wonder, if she d i d crack the mystery to their charge, how would that electricity be integrated into Hallownest? Slowly. It'd probably start out as a lightly tested energy system only accessible for the elite, until it becomes a safer and a widespread commodity. The bugs of Hallownest display a masterful knack for engineering. (The worst of it being in use at the Crystal Peaks and White Palace.) Pretty much all their machines (save for those in the White Palace and the Soul Sanctum key door) seem to be mechanically activated and involve switches, pulleys, and gears. The only sources of activation we see are either pressure/inertia or soul. Both require bugs to consciously put systems in place to keep it activated. Not too much though, it seems, since it’s not that hard to flip a switch or, if you're the King, to produce soul. But electricity is much more versatile. It'd replace those bulky machines and labyrinths full of gears. Plus, it's a much more powerful, versatile source of energy. (SAD for lumafly lovers like me, though.)

Though, what would this mean for the charged lumaflies? How would they be treated? Would they simply need to be kept in groups to produce charges, or must they feel threatened and stressed to do so? Do they expire faster if they don't stop shocking? Are the natural pauses between shocks their safety cooldowns? Wouldn't the stress still negatively affect them? Would groups of charged lumaflies need to be conditioned to shock in alternating patterns so they electricity keeps flowing? Would people breed stronger c. lumaflies for more charge? Would the mutant-lumaflies escape their feeble handlers, resulting in a hoarde of lightning beasts that raze Hallownest to the ground???

Hopefully, all of the above are factors the Teacher would consider.

Side Note: Volt Twisters?

And as a side note— maybe I'm underestimating the arrogance of the Soul Sanctum residents, but I cannot see a rational scholar looking at this artifical ouch-fly and going, "Mm. Yes, I should eat that to gain their power." However, there are people in real life who do that with synthesized substances so I'm likely just thinking wishfully. Just because I can't stand artificial tastes and smells doesn't mean others cannot. And bugs definitely have alcohol. They definitely have revelry. There's probably some other artifical stuff in the mix, too. And there's the whole soul-sucking business in the Sanctum, and the King himself tampered with the Void Beneanth the World. But regsrdless of whether they're natural or artificial, this makes me wonder... Is the reason why the volt twisters only show up at the Colosseum because they were kicked out for charged lumafly "drugs"? "Oh no, don't put that lethal, sense-exploding substance inside you that's not supposed to be inside you, noooo." Kinda hypocritical, given the aforementioned soul-sucking. But feasibly in character for the upper-crust madman running the place.

Maybe these guys were ahead of the game, though. If only Monomon hadn't become a Dreamer— we might have gotten a Hallownest glowing with electricity; a much more dangerous but adaptable place.

But on that note, how the heck are the music players powered? By soul? That seems to be what powers the trams, if their glowing buttons are anything to go off of. Maybe the Pale King would approve of inegrating electricity as both a sign of his kingdom’s advancement and him not having to expend himself for his cool projects anymore. (Probably his alone because only he might be able to power them, as far as we know.) It could even let them become widespread household/town items.

So, yeah. Monomon was/is smart and I think she deserves to solve a natural mystery

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