#it was a very special night and it was so much fun

[ryanguzmansource]

Full Audio Transcript (5.21.24)

Hey guys, welcome to I've Never Said This Before with me, Tommy Didario.

If you are not watching 9-1-1 on ABC, you are seriously missing out. The show is so phenomenal that it has been renewed for an eighth season and, my guest today—well, he is phenomenal as well. In fact, he is on my show because of you. I saw all of the tweets, the DMs, the emails—all of it so, like a genie in a bottle, your wish has been granted.

The talented actor Ryan Guzman stars in the smash hit firefighter drama series 9-1-1 and audiences fell in love with his character, Eddie, the moment he debuted in Episode 1 of Season 2. Man, he has become a staple on the show and fans have been rooting for Eddie throughout the years, and Ryan plays each moment of Eddie's journey with such care and vulnerability and truth.

We have a lot to cover today and I have a feeling you're going to really enjoy this fun but also personal and deep conversation. We do dive into some very serious mental health conversations, so after the interview, I will be providing resources for anyone struggling with their own mental health. This is one of the most powerful interviews I have ever done, and I really thank Ryan for opening up in the ways that he did today because I know that he is going to help so many people out there feel less alone.

So, let's see if we can get Ryan to say something he has never said before.

[INTRO MUSIC]

Ryan, my friend, how are you doing today?

I'm good, brother. How are you?

I'm good. I know you have been working your butt off. You were just saying you were filming all night. Are you exhausted or are you on adrenaline right now?

A little mixture of both. I got a little coffee pumped through my system. But yeah, I think I worked six out of seven days this last week. We've been doing around 14, 15 hour days. And I just got off last night around 1.30 in the morning. So got home around 2.30. But we're here. We're here.

Well, you were putting in the work. Congratulations to you on all of the success with this show. It's of course now on ABC. People are loving it. The numbers are going insane. And you've always been a fan favorite from day one. When you had that first scene of you putting that shirt on in slow motion and your body was glistening and Whatta Man was playing, people just fell in love with your character. But that's not just why they love your character. I mean, over the seasons, people have found you so relatable and and really, really are truly invested in the role that you play. Why do you think that is?

I like to say that, I mean, I try to play as grounded as I can, but I think the story itself is just the way Tim Minear writes the character. And I think he's always had a special connection with this kind of character. So, just indebted to how he writes and the connectivity between Eddie and his son. I mean, it's just like it pulls at the heartstrings, you know, and that's always been a fan favorite as well. So, you know, I'm living in gratitude for everything that's been written for that character and I try to do as much justice as I can.

Well, you're nearing the end of Season 7 and past seasons for you have been a bit heavier, a bit more intense. You've really gone through quite a lot of things that we'll touch on a bit later, which I know is also part of the reason why so many people relate to you. Are you enjoying this journey this season?

Yeah, you know what? I haven't really been able to kind of flex my humorous side and just kind of lightheartedness, kind of a vibe about Eddie, and I love that aspect of him. So while everybody else is kind of going through chaos, while Cap is going through chaos, Eddie is kind of, you know, trying to keep everybody together while, you know, Chimney and Hen be going at it during the tsunami and The Poseidon Adventure, Eddie is just, you know, being there for everybody as much as he can. So not to say that he's always going to be happy because Tim always has this thing about saying, you know, if I just let you guys be happy, then there'd be no story. You got to have some kind of drama. Nobody wants to show up just for people smiling all the time. But yeah, we've got some things in store for the rest of the season. And from what we've already shot, I've been super pleased about, you know, this new way of life for Eddie.

Like I said, the things you've gone through are intense throughout the years. Do you have any fear stepping into this role or any anxiety before you had to film some of those more intense scenes? Because it's a lot.

Yeah, you know what? Prior to 9-1-1, I might have had some fears about the depth of a lot of the things that we shot. I honestly didn't really call myself an actor until like maybe three and a half years ago.

No.

Yeah. I thought I was just fooling everybody, trying to get jobs and land the movies that I was getting. And then I think somewhere around the third season, a co-star of mine kind of, like, metaphorically slapped me in the face and said, you know, let's really get into this, man. You got some really good opportunity here. So that's when I started calling myself an actor. But to be honest, the depth of Eddie in the past three, four seasons has been amazing as just a class. It's been class for me. It's been an opportunity to flex these emotions that I don't get to flex in my day-to-day life and to access certain things and see how far can I push Eddie, how, you know, in the scene where Eddie is just losing his stuff and he's breaking everything in his house. Obviously, I've never done it in my house, but how do I get there? How can I allow the audience to feel what I'm feeling? And that task itself becomes a challenge. And I really [like] that type of challenge. So again, living in gratitude for all the little things that Eddie presents that, you know, I haven't really been presenting my own life.

So with that being said, is there a storyline that's particularly special to you for any given reason?

I kind of lean automatically towards the military/PTSD just because I have a cousin who served six tours and, you know, he shared with me—and I actually, oddly enough, during the episode of Eddie Begins, I brought him on as a military tech and he helped out everybody in the production. His name is Randy Hudson. I, you know, I love that guy to death—but, yeah, he's shared with me a lot of his issues that he's gone through and a lot of the obstacles he's gone through in his day to day life and what it's like to be a military vet coming back and kind of assimilating back into civilian lifestyle. So that storyline always kind of held a special place in my heart just because it was very close connected with me and my own family. And I always hope that, you know, I did it justice enough for everybody that has that story ingrained in them.

I think you definitely did. I saw a lot of comments when I announced you as my guest saying that that was a very meaningful part of your journey on this show. I'm so curious, you know, quite often in television it moves so fast, there's always rewrites or so much going on. Was there ever a story that you wanted to come to fruition that never did?

I hated the fact that we killed off Shannon so quick. I know she wasn't a very likable character for so many different reasons, but I always loved working with Devin. So I would love to explore a little bit more with that. But yeah, there's always beauty and chaos a little bit. So I would have loved the relationship, mother, father, parenting style aspect of Eddie's life to be a more explored, but unfortunately that can't happen anymore.

There's always so many things going on. I'm sure it's hard to fit them into each episode, and I'm sure things do have to get cut because major things keep happening episode after episode, one of them being recently, of course, Buck realized he's Bi and that's a storyline everyone's going crazy over. Did you see that coming? Were you like, I think one day this is going to happen for him?

Well, I mean, it's always kind of been in the ether. Everybody, you know, all the fans, you know, have their speculations about Eddie and Buck and, you know, for the longest time, I think Oliver and I again had lightheartedness to it. We always kind of like saw it as like, oh, at least they're so interested in our characters. Thank God they're interested in our characters. They're not ignoring us, and I don't know if either of us had a pinpoint, you know, idea on which character or if any character would actually lead in that way.

But again, all credit to Tim Minear. He's the one that knows the way. So he chose Buck's character to explore that route. And now seeing it happen in front of our eyes, it makes so much sense. And it just the way him, Buck and Tommy are getting together and the way they're exploring their own individuality and personality. It's beautiful to watch. I was very excited to see, you know, that episode specifically, just for the fact that it was such a moment between, you know, a friend and another friend who had held this huge secret. And how do you come out to your friend?

I had a friend, you know—because I know I've had this actually in my own personal life. I've said this in prior interviews��I had a friend who was deadly scared of coming out to me. And I realized that that moment itself wasn't so much the journey for me, you know, it was this hard journey for himself. And all I had to do was catch. I just had to be there for him, and I was like, that moment itself is so beautiful. I can't wait to do that scene. I can't wait to, you know, show the world like this is how you be there for your brother.

Wow, how cool that you could pull from your real life experience and make that scene even more special, which is why I think it came off so incredibly powerful. It really was so cool to see. And the reception has been absolutely incredible in terms of people feeling like, you know, they're seen through that character and it's on prime-time TV. And you don't see a ton of that, which is still kind of crazy. But, you know, and of course, there were some negative comments, which blows my mind. I mean, I'm sure that blew your mind, too, to see that because who cares, right?

Honestly, I've got this now filter for negative comments. They just kind of seep right through and I don't even hold on to anything. So all I've seen is really, really good comments.

And one of the best parts is actually I've gone to work and Oliver himself has been like telling me these stories of people saying, man, I did not have the strength to come out until way later on in my life. So I'm like, oh man, could you imagine 20, 30 years of holding on to this repressed thing and then it just eating away at you and not being able to say anything, even to the closest people and then seeing something on television to inspire you. That kind of thing is just like, whoa, okay, we're doing something much greater, much bigger than us.

He's not the only one inspiring its characters like you because you're showing, you know, what an ally means, and I think that's really cool to see this like macho, cool guy that's just like, cool, like who cares? And that's also equally as powerful and as important. Before we put a pin on this, you know, part of the conversation, you mentioned you never know what the writers are going to do, and I think there were talks at one point of possibly Eddie being the one to come out in some sort of way. Do you laugh and have fun with all of the fandom's obsession with you as Eddie and Buck getting together? Like, is that something you guys always are seeing and hearing? And I know everyone brings it up to you and it's something that's always looming. Like, how do you react to that? Does it ever get tiring for you?

Again, if the fans are interested, we're doing our job. So I love the love. And I mean, unfortunately, I'm not the one that writes it. So it's all up to Tim. But me and Oliver have a really good time with the fact that, you know, people are so invested into these storylines. And in fact, they're so invested, they're creating their own storylines. They're sending us clips and edits and videos. And, you know, every now and then, Oliver will show me something, I'll show Oliver something. Like, did we actually do this in a scene? Because they cut it so well together.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I think at the end of the day, you know, we just love the love. We're here to entertain and tell the truth. If it's true to the character, then yeah.”

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

You can't predict the future. Nobody can on this show. But if the opportunity one day happened to come your way where they were like, this storyline might be explored between Buck and Eddie, would you be open to that storyline in the future? I see you smiling. I see Oliver had the same reaction, a big ass grin on his face when I asked this.

Yeah, you know, like I said, it's got to live in the truth and I think right now we live in a moment—or me, I live moment to moment—so I love the fact that the biggest plot point between these two characters is one happens to be Bi, one happens to be Hetero, and they have this vulnerability towards each other. And that is the truth to me is it's the fact that you have such a safe space and it doesn't matter your sexuality, that you have a safe space to talk to this individual and he can fully accept you. If we can stay with that, then whatever happens, happens.

But I don't necessarily want to push the fact that because you're vulnerable, you have to be one way or the other in your sexuality. Then I would hate to have a lot of other men who are struggling mentally and not sure about, oh, do I even open up? Because will that make me something that I'm not? I would hate to push that narrative. So if we live in the truth, whatever happens, happens. And again, I'm here for it all.

Whatever happens, happens. That's a nice way to put it. And I agree with you. I think there's power in both. I think there's power in showing a strong friendship that you don't always get to see. And then there's power if something eventually does happen. So whatever happens, happens. I like that, man. What can we expect for the rest of the season with your characters? Anything you can tease? The finale is coming up. We have a couple more weeks. What can we expect?

What can we expect? Well, we can expect that Eddie's smiles might turn to frowns.

Oh no.

Or at least confusion, maybe. We'll start to see, you know, has he gotten past certain traumas? Or is he just kind of pushed them to the side and acting like they're not there?

You know, I have to say a lot of people are still holding on to hope that we're going to get that karaoke scene.

I mean, yeah, we had such a good time playing that karaoke scene, and it was kind of a let down a little bit to know that it wasn't going to be in there. But now, again, looking at the episode itself, as fun as it would be, the main story was Chimney. And the way Kenneth Choi played Chimney, and that episode specifically—I mean, I think he got, you know, performance of the week for that—it would have been a disservice to add, you know, a three-minute scene of us laughing and having a great time and being drunks and karaoke and take away from that performance. So I'm glad that Tim made that decision, and I don't know if he has any plans on showing that later on or whatnot or having some extended clip version, but I can tell you this much, everybody from the cast to the crew to the background had a wild and crazy time doing that scene.

And I think what I just heard you say is you might accidentally drop it on your Instagram very soon.

I might get fired if I do that.

All right. Well, we'll see. I'll talk to ABC PR. No problem. What do you want to see for season eight? Like, are you thinking about the future? Is there like, OK, if I can have my way, I absolutely want to explore blank.

To be honest, there's so much going at us so rapid, so fast paced at this moment. The scripts are getting handed in like quick as can be. So we have a moment's notice to kind of know what we're doing and where we're going with our character. From what I know, from what I've shot thus far, I think next season will literally be a refresh button to Eddie. And starting over in so many different ways, so many new ways in which Eddie has never explored and we've never seen Eddie explore. He'll be on his own in a lot of areas.

Speaking of that, I have to bring up season five, the mental health breakdown, man. That was intense. And a lot of people felt very connected to that. How was it stepping into that scene for you and that storyline? Because it's pretty powerful.

Thank you. Man, that was cathartic, to be honest. It was I've gone through my own mental health issues as far as like, you know, my own depression and anxiety, and, you know, I was raised in an age where men aren't vulnerable and aren't allowed to show feelings. So that kind of repression is like a ticking time bomb, you know, especially for a person in Eddie's life, or his lifestyle. So to kind of relinquish this boundary of who Ryan is and step into Eddie and just kind of just full-on dive deep into these this well of emotion, it was, it was almost like therapy. It was crazy because, you know, from the second they started to say rolling, it's like my—I started to, you know, start bawling and crying, and when Buck comes in and, you know, he's trying to check in on me and the whole room is just all scattered around and I'm losing it—it's just like there was no semblance of Ryan anymore. It was just all Eddie and he was just lost, and that's what it is.

It's like if I were to look at my son, you know, five year old son, that's kind of what we revert back to is just this child that is just so scared and not having any sense of direction and—or hope that anybody will ever love him or ever see him. And it's just these like, you know, existential fears that come out within those tears, and that was my goal to portray that whole scene and then the scene following it. So to get there was just let go, just let go.

Well, the work you did was clearly honest and raw and vulnerable. You can't fake the work that you did in that. And it was really a powerful man for many people to kind of go through that with you and for people who have had their own experiences. And you're right, like, I'm from an old school Italian family. And, you know, you grow up thinking men don't go through that and men don't show those emotions. So to have that on prime-time TV is huge.

Yeah, I hope that helped out a lot of people. I hope that people were actually able to see that and at least, you know, go to their best guy friend, and, you know, I think that's what really needs to happen. As far as men, we need to lean on each other. You know, women have their own issues and they have their certain way of connecting with each other, but there's a special connection that you can have with your brother. And I give so much credit to quite a few of my personal brothers—including my actual brother—for allowing me to run to them in my moments of need, in my moments of feeling lost. And them, you know, being men themselves, not having to say one thing to me.

Or they can just, you know, if they see me in a moment of, you know, deep into a problem, they have the ability to say, well, here's a solution. And since I'm, you know, of like mind, I can be like, okay, you know what? Thank you for giving me some kind of direction. So yeah, I implore all men out there to kind of at least have one or two in your corner, you know, because we can't get anywhere without community.

Absolutely. What have you most learned about yourself through playing this character for so many years? You know, you joined in season two. It's been a lot of years now under your belt. Have you thought about that? Have you learned anything through playing, Eddie?

I've learned a lot through Eddie. I've learned patience. He's a—you know, he has a sense of patience that I didn't have in the beginning even prior to being a father, you know, and then kids itself, they teach you how to be patient. So, yeah, I've learned how to be there as a father. Kind of oddly enough, it was just living as one onscreen prior to actually being one in real life, it gave me, say, practice. I get to practice on television what I get to implore with my own children. And, you know, even if it's the worst thing for Eddie, you know, and I see him doing something horrible, at least I come back home, like, well, that can't happen. I can't do that with my kids. So, yeah, and in so many ways, it's helped me grow as a man, let alone a father.

That's pretty awesome when you can take things away from your job like that and become a better person. I love that so much. Can you believe you've been on the show for so long now? Do you ever think like, damn, that's not normal. That's the rarity in the business. So is that a cool feeling for you?

Yeah, I literally just had that moment yesterday. We were filming a scene, all of us, the whole cast, and I'm sitting outside—I can't tell you the location, that's going to blow something—I'm sitting outside one of the sets and I just had that moment to myself. I'm like, oh my God, I'm actually here. How did I get so lucky to be on not only just a television show, the number one television show out there, where we're in our seventh season and we're creating numbers that people don't even get in their first season? So again, if there's a moment to tap into, let's get into that gratitude again and just be super thankful that I was lucky enough to land this.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

That is so cool, and that's why I have no doubt you'll continue having so much success in your career and in your personal life because you keep bringing up gratitude, and it's very evident that's something you lead your life with. And in fact, I saw a recent Instagram post where you give a beautiful tribute to Twitch, and you credit him with being able to form connection with people in your life now and to different things and places, and I thought that was such a beautiful way to show people that you're working on yourself and you're a work in progress and that he helps you kind of open your eyes. So that was a really cool moment for you to also reveal.

Thank you, yeah. Yeah, I believe so much of the world right now is showcasing a polished version of themselves. And to be honest, I did it myself for so long that I've become tired of it, and I would much rather get to the raw—the raw, the unfiltered, the, you know, the mess ups, the, you know—I've stuck my foot in my mouth too many times. I've done, you know, stupid things in my life, and I never want to present myself as a person that does everything great because there's so many things I suck at.

So I think there's an opportunity within that rawness to invite others to become raw themselves, and for us to see that, you know, we're not competing with each other, we're competing with ourself and our own image of ourself and friends like, you know, a brother like, like Twitch, you know, and—not understanding what he was going through and that lack of connectivity that I always, you know, felt but never acted on, which again, I felt imposter syndrome for so long of calling him my brother. It really struck a chord in me and now I can't go backwards. Now I'm propelled forward to be like, is this conversation authentic between us or are we just kind of saying what we have to say just so we can pass on to the next person and create whatever that is? And I'm not here for that. I would much rather have that depth and I'd much rather have that rawness.

Beautifully said and a perfect segue into what I want to finish this conversation with, which is based off the title of the show: I've Never Said This Before. So I'm wondering, is there anything that comes to mind that you want to share today that you've never shared before?

Uh. Huh. Yeah, you know what? I've been thinking about this for so long and there's so many things, you know, that come to mind. One specifically, and I've been hesitant to actually say any of this for so long because, you know, it's been years upon years.

About six and a half, seven years ago—and I've really never said this out loud, especially onto a public platform—I had my own mental health crisis and I tried at one point in time to take my own life. And luckily, it didn't work. Luckily, I got a second chance by the grace of God. And from that moment forward, I've taken each step as an opportunity to erase what got me there and build on what allowed me to live forward. So I would say that that moment itself, in addition to what happened to my brother Twitch, are probably the two biggest fundamental moments of my entire life and have allowed me to have a deeper sense of mercy and empathy towards every individual.

So I would implore that all men renounce this fact of, you know, you're a tough man, you have to hold all this in, but lean on your brother, really lean on your brother. And if your brothers aren't being there in the way they need to be, find some new ones. Because that's another thing, if you don't have the people that are conducive to a healthy lifestyle and you're keeping on to them because of loyalty, let them go. There's plenty of other people. There's people that have been through your situation before that are willing and more than willing, you know, to help. So yeah, that was a big one.

Man, first of all, thank you for sharing something so personal and close to your heart with me today. I feel honored that you did open up and share that. And I'm truly—God, this could be another half hour conversation, so I'll keep it short—but I'm truly grateful that you are spreading that message today for anybody listening because, you know, mental health is a crisis and I think people sometimes look at you, they look at me, they think everything's perfect. We are, you know, in this public space and what can be wrong?

And when you humanize real shit like that, it makes people feel less alone. And you got through it, you realize that wasn't the right way to go about it and your life forever changed for the better, and I'm truly grateful that you put that message out today because you have no idea how many people you're going to be helping with that. And I truly know that that's something that's not easy to get off your chest. And for that, I thank you and I know so many people will be thanking you, and I hope you feel kind of like a little bit of a weight lifted that you share that hopefully.

Yeah, it's kind of hard to understand what I'm feeling at the moment. But I hope in what you said is true. And I hope that, again, I would love to do more for mental health, especially for men, I mean, just in general, to be honest. But yes, I hope that there is a new wave out there that's kind of taking over that we can actually have some cohesiveness and connection, a true understanding of what connection is. Let's revisit that. So this issue isn't a common issue anymore. If we can take that down, then let's do it. I'm here for it.

Beautifully said, and thank you again for sharing that. I could talk to you for hours, especially leaving with that. I think you're such a cool person. And you watch people, I get to talk to people all the time. But this to me was a real conversation, and that's what I value. That's why I have a show called I've Never Said This Before, and I want to talk about the projects that the fans love, but also leave room to talk about things that matter. I don't think there's enough of that. So I truly thank you for hanging out, for coming on, for talking about the fun of 911, which we all love, and it's killing it in every way, but also sharing a little piece of you. I hope you enjoyed the conversation as much as I have.

Thanks for having me, my man. Yeah, I had a great time.

Thank you, and remind everyone where, how, when, all the things about your show.

Yes, please watch Thursdays at 8 on ABC.

All right, and stay tuned for the karaoke scene that you just promised you will be dropping.

Yeah, maybe when I'm fired again.

All right, man, until we meet again, take care.

All right, brother.

#ryan guzman #may 2024 #i've never said this before #transcribed #5.21.24

[hotluncheddie]

how is your autistic Steve? missing him on this Sunday

hello!!! me too omg!!!! he is the best boy!!!

I've been having a couple thoughts about him here and there and I found a old snipped I wrote ages ago in my notes <3

:) ty for reminding me of him tho, my actual true love autistic Steve :)

-

Eddie notices Steve doing it one night, while a films on, sitting in the dark. 

He's rubbing his hands over his mouth, over his lips and cheeks. Over and over again, his fingers or palm rubbing left right, left right, over his lips.

He sees it again one morning. Steve laying on his belly, rubbing his face into the pillow, smushing his nose and turning his whole head left to right and back again. Always slow to wake up, sleepy long after the alarm. He rubs, then huffs. Sighs and relaxes. rubs again. 

Eddie can't hold it in any longer, he needs to touch him. So he rolls Steve over, into his arms. Steve hums, high and happy, twisting to be the little spoon. Tucking in close and grinding a little, the menace.

But they’re both too sleepy still, too relaxed. Steve breaths deep and snuggles into Eddie's arms. Then Eddie feels Steve's head move, so he peeks over to see Steve face. He has his eyes closed, rubbing his mouth and lips against the soft duvet. Pressing lightly on his upper lip, and below his nose. Body loose and Eddie tangles their legs together, buries his face in Steve’s neck, and breaths. 

-

Steve plays the same song over and over. It's new, from a band he loved then forgot about. But there’s this part in it, this new song, part of the bridge he thinks Eddie said. Steve likes it so much. Just that little part. He sings along to it, copying it. It sounds so nice. 

He plays the song over and over. Eddie helps him put it on a tape. That one song. The one song with that part on the bridge. Over and over on the same tape. It’s so good. Steve plays it on his Walkman if someone is over. Plays it over and over, until his mind starts to wander during it, he's heard it so many times. Until that best part seems stamped in his head - never to be forgotten.

It's so good, that little part, the whole song.

Steve plays it again.

-

Steve making packed lunches. ✨

It's so he can feel in control. So if everything went weird and wrong in his day, at least he knows that lunch will be normal. The same as every other day.

No worrying about if they have what he wants or if there will be enough protein to keep him feeling full. No stress that there won’t be anything around he wants to eat which would mean he doesn’t eat anything, the hunger manageable for a while until it’s encroaching on him slowly and he’s snapping at Robin but forgetting the cause. His tension rising and his jaw clenching, and before he knows it it’s the end of the day and his head is pounding and all he can do is go home and sleep off his tension headache. Evening gone for anything fun, ruined by pain. Steve hates that.

So Steve makes packed lunches, makes a couple at a time, sometimes enough for the whole week in one go.

Sometimes he has a craving for diner food, and that's okay, him and Robin sharing an order of fries and Steve getting his burger with extra lettuce and pickles on the side. And that's okay, some days, if it feels right. He has his lunch for dinner and enjoys.

But still, he makes packed lunches.

Just so he knows.

No matter what happens. Lunch is the same as every other day. <3

-

going to once again tag people who might like to see - this is very short but i just, i want as many people as possible to think about autistic Steve, he is so very special

@pearynice @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @spectrum-spectre @just-a-tiny-void @steventhusiast @tangerinesteve @lil-gremlin-things @irethsune @scoops-aboy86 @marvel-ous-m

( sorry if this is annoying )

#hotlunch #steddie #steve x eddie #autistic steve harrington #ask #<3 #ideas #once again #stuff on / in ur mouth is such a good stim

[lionlena]

Unforgivable mistake (JoelMillerxreader) Part 12

Summary: Reader is much younger than Joel and is in love with  him. One night, after arguing with Tess and getting drunk, Joel spends  the night with a reader, but in the morning he breaks her heart…  She  runs away from Boston hoping that she will never meet this cold bastard  again in her life. But almost six years later, she unexpectedly sees  Joel in Jackson. She decides to hide herself and her little secret from  this asshole.

Warnings: age gap (reader is about 28 years, Joel 58),  strong language, swearing, past trauma, bullying, attempted rape, memories of sexual abuse, unprotect p in v,  dom!Joel, Joel is asshole, ANGST, hurt, sadness and heartbreaking, sexual harassment, women abuse, violence, injury, sickness, misunderstanding, breakdown

A/N: So, these were your decisions:

However, for people who still do not want to read the sex scene, the text will be marked in red.

Part 12

You always liked Christmas. You liked the Christmas atmosphere and searching and making gifts. Your heart always swelled with joy as you decorated the Christmas tree with your little boy. You were happy when you visited Anna and Toby just before or a few days after Christmas and they greeted you with sweet treats. And now it seemed like the holidays were going to be even better after Joel and Ellie joined your family. Not to mention that the Christmas holidays also took on new colors for Teddy. You saw him whispering with Ellie and Joel and you suspected it was about a gift for you. It was so sweet.

You had also started exchanging other things for gifts a few weeks earlier because that's how it worked in Jackson. People traded things for other items or small services.

You managed to get new colorful books for Teddy, one of them presented different breeds of horses in a humorous way. You found a hunting knife for Ellie. You knew Joel wouldn't be happy about this, but in the end, what mattered was her happiness. You made a warm scarf for Claudia in her favorite color. And you found new leather gloves for Joel. You knew it was something he would definitely come in handy on patrols.

But before Christmas, you realized that maybe you would be able to give him one more gift… Something more intimate.

It was like an epiphany. The kids decorated the Christmas tree with Joel. Teddy was in a mischievous mood and started wrapping his dad in Christmas chains. Joel laughed and started joking about being immobilized. And you just stood in the doorway with your eyes wide open. It was a missing piece that suddenly fell into place.

"Honey, help, please!" Joel's voice broke you out of your trance and you joined in their fun with a smile, but the sight of Joel tied up did not disappear from your mind.

A few days later, on Christmas morning, everyone got their presents. You were happy to see the joy on the faces of your loved ones. You haven't been forgotten either. The kids gave you horse-shaped cookies and a colorful bracelet, and Joel gave you a necklace with a horseshoe pendant. You were touched by their efforts.

The whole day passed in a joyful atmosphere. You went for a walk with the kids and took part in a big snowball fight in the middle of the city. To your surprise, even Joel joined. And of course, he was targeting Tommy and Ellie. It was adorable because he suddenly looked 20 years younger and you knew you would remember this sight forever.

In the evening you ate a delicious dinner, and when Teddy went to bed and Ellie was busy reading a book in her room, you finally decided to give a special gift to Joel.

He was sitting on the couch with a steaming mug of tea with honey and bourbon. You sat down next to him, holding your mug and the rectangular box in your hand. Joel raised his eyebrows.

"What's that?"

You set your mug on the coffee table and placed the box on his lap.

"Gift."

Joel followed you and set his cup down as well.

"I already got a gift from you and I am very pleased with it."

"I know but… it's something different… something special and I don't know if you'll agree to it."

You waked his curiosity and he couldn't help himself anymore and he opened the box. The contents of the box surprised him. Inside was a rope, a wide dark ribbon, and a key. Joel looked at you with a surprised puppy face.

"Sorry, baby, but I don't really know what to do with this. It's… really… interesting but…"

His attempts not to offend you were amusing. You couldn't help but peck him on the cheek.

"I'm already explaining everything to you. I accidentally realized what could help me break through my trauma and make love with you."

Joel gasped and sat up straight. You had his full attention.

"Oh…"

"You know, I'm most afraid of losing control… being vulnerable again… I know you've changed and I believe you won't take advantage of it, but it's stronger than me."

Joel grabbed your hand and brought it to his lips, kissing your fingers.

"You don't have to explain yourself to me. I know I deserved this lack of trust… And I'm grateful to you for giving me a second chance."

He looked at the contents of the box again and slowly began to guess what you wanted to do.

"So, do you want to tie me up?"

When he said this, you couldn't help but blush.

"Only hands…"

"Okay. And this." He ran his fingers along the navy blue ribbon.

"To cover your eyes."

A smirk appeared on his face.

"This is getting interesting. And the key?"

"To an old house on the outskirts of town. I was borrowing it from Tommy. I told him we wanted to see the house because it was bigger and see if you could renovate it… But what I really wanted was for us to have a quiet place where we could hide out during the day "

Joel smiled widely and pulled you into his lap. You squealed in surprise but didn't mind. You sat up facing him and placed your hands on his strong shoulders.

"You have thought of everything, my Angel."

You smiled and felt his strong hands caress your hips.

"So you agree to this?" you asked shyly.

You weren't really sure if Joel would agree to give up his dominance. But looking at his satisfied face, you slowly gained hope.

"Of course, I agree. If it's something that will help you get over trauma, I agree with everything. It's something new for me but… I'm 100% for it."

You sighed in relief and leaned against his body. Joel kissed your temple and whispered:

"But remember, I don't want you to put pressure on yourself. I still stand by what I said. I love you whether we have sex or not."

His words filled you with peace. You leaned down and pressed your nose into his neck, inhaling his scent.

"I love you," you whispered and felt Joel hug you tighter.

Two days later, you and Joel agreed to meet at the old house at noon. Teddy was supposed to be with Claudia, Emily, and Rose until the evening, and Ellie would go about her business.

Joel had gone to the old house earlier, lit a fire in the living room, and spread blankets on the floor. He didn't want to tell you this so as not to upset you, but he felt as anxious as a teenager.

You were nervous too. Your heart was beating like crazy as you crossed the threshold and locked the door. You knew no one would disturb you there, but you wanted to be sure.

Joel immediately greeted you with a smile and walked over to you. He kissed your lips and helped you take off your jacket. He grabbed your hand and led you toward the fireplace.

You sat down on the blanket and took a deep breath.

"So, how do we start?"

Joel placed his large hand on your cheek.

"Slow down, Sweetheart. We have a few hours. Let's take our time."

Joel squeezed your hand comfortingly and murmured,

"I got the wine."

You smiled and nodded. You were glad that Joel was being responsible this time and he wasn't rushing to anything.

You sat next to each other on the floor, leaning on the couch. Joel handed you a glass of wine and kissed your temple.

"Is it warm enough?"

"Yes," you replied and took a sip of wine. The alcohol warmed you up even more.

The whole house was cold, but you were warm enough when you were this close to the fireplace.

After some time, you felt Joel's hand caressing your thigh. He did it gently and slowly and focused his full attention on your reaction.

Despite your initial tension, you slowly started to relax. Joel leaned down and started nibbling on your neck, and a soft sigh escaped your lips. Joel smiled and tightened his grip on your thigh.

"Is everything okay, Honey?"

You nodded even though you felt a little anxious and took a shaky breath. Joel sensed it immediately and moved his hand away.

"Do you want to tie my hands now?"

You were surprised by how willing he was to give you the power. You smiled and stroked his hair. You set your wine glasses aside.

"Can you lie on your back?"

Joel immediately obeyed your command as if you had some magical power over him.

You reached for the box that was still lying on the couch. Joel prepared everything. You pulled out the rope and Joel folded his hands over his chest.

He looked at you with excitement. He really liked your idea and that gave you confidence. You moved closer to him and tied his wrists together.

"Not too tight?" you asked with concern.

You didn't want your comfort to be discomfort for him. You believed that wasn't what love was about. You also didn't want to take revenge on him for what happened in Boston. This wasn't what your relationship was supposed to be built on.

"It's perfect, Darling," Joel replied with a smile to encourage you. "Continue…"

You smiled and started unbuttoning his shirt. You pulled the fabric up and kissed his belly. Joel growled quietly.

"God…"

You giggled quietly and did it again, deciding that it wouldn't hurt to tease him a little. Joel tensed his abdominal muscles and looked at you in awe.

His eyes were shining and for a moment you even regretted that you were going to cover them. You reached for a blindfold and wrapped it around his head.

You kissed his forehead and then whispered:

"Do you see anything?"

A shiver ran through his body as he felt your breath on his ear.

"Nothing…" He managed to croak out.

You smiled and looked at his pants, which already showed a bulge. Apparently, you've discovered some forgotten Joel’s fetish.

"All right." you purred and sat on his legs, then unzipped his fly and looked at his face. You grabbed his pants and the waistband of his boxers.

"Can I?"

Joel lifted his hips, giving you a clear signal to pull the fabric down.

"I beg you."

You giggled and with his help, you pulled down his pants and boxers.

Your eyes locked on his semi-hard cock. You swallowed and touched him, causing him to hiss softly.

You couldn't help yourself. You didn't really get a chance to look at him the first time.

Now you had plenty of time and full power, and that excited you. You felt yourself getting wet and you were filled with joy. Your plan worked. You felt no fear. You didn't panic. Joel was at your mercy and he liked it.

You supposed he could have freed his hands if he wanted to, but that was the point. Joel wanted your needs to be important, not his.

Before you could start touching him, you got up from his legs and took off your pants and panties.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"What do you think?"

"You're undressing… I heard the belt buckle… you know you have beautiful thighs…"

You rolled your eyes and you knelt by his hips. You grabbed his cock but he suddenly jumped.

"Wait!"

You looked at him in surprise and your heart skipped a beat. Has he changed his mind? He didn't want to give you control?

"You don't want to do this without preparation…"

You breathed a sigh of relief and your heart warmed with his concern.

"Don't worry… I'll get ready."

Joel groaned like a disgruntled puppy.

"Why should you do it alone when you have me…"

You frowned. Was Joel trying to change the rules of the game?

"Your hands are tied."

A deep chuckle escaped from his chest.

"But you didn't gag my mouth."

"What?"

If Joel wasn't wearing the blindfold, you'd see him looking at you with a look: Really?

"You don't mean to tell me that Steve has never eaten you."

At that moment, you were glad that Joel couldn't see your red face.

"He did, but never… in a position like this."

A sly smile appeared on his face.

"Then I'll do it even more willingly… come on, sweetie… don't be shy and sit on my face. You won't regret it."

His voice was dripping with lust and your breathing quickened. You felt that this way you would completely dominate him. It was too tempting not to take advantage of it.

Finally, you slowly knelt over his face with your knees on either side of his head. He placed his tied hands on your lower back and pushed you closer to him. You gasped at the moment his lips touched your slippery lips. His mouth immediately covered your pussy. His tongue began to circle your clit. You moaned softly and grabbed his hair. His stubble caused this burning, pleasant feeling on the inside of your thighs. Joel purred until you felt a vibration against your cunt. As his thick tongue pushed into you, you couldn't help but moan loudly. You began to move your hips, your clit rubbing against his curved nose that you had never been more grateful for. Joel devoured you like a hungry dog. Slurping sounds filled your ears.

"Ah… Joel… Joel!"

You arched your back, your thighs trembling, and your orgasm hit you with such force that you were afraid you were going to collapse all your weight on his face.

Joel smiled and slowly pulled his tongue out of you. He licked up your juices and kissed your thighs before helping you move aside.

You were so delighted that you leaned in and kissed him on the lips, tasting yourself. His hands tangled in your hair.

"Now… Now you're ready." he purred, not hiding the satisfaction in his voice.

It took you a moment to catch your breath, but you finally sat on his legs and wrapped your hand around his semi-hard, thick cock, and started stroking it, exploring every vein with your fingertips.

He squirmed and moaned. His cock was now standing proud and Joel hissed.

"Baby…" his voice was hoarse. "I don't want to spoil your fun, but if you don't stop… In a moment I won't be at your disposal anymore."

You giggled and hovered over him.

"I see. You've been waiting for this for a long time."

You slowly sat on his cock. You hissed, feeling that familiar burning sensation as he stretched you. You never forgot it… Although that memory was obviously negative. It was different now. Then in Boston, he was drunk and didn't care about your feelings or comfort. Now you were partners, two people with a strong bond.

Joel gasped and brushed his hands against your thighs.

"Ahhh… Baby… You're wonderful. You're the most wonderful woman in the whole damn world."

You smiled and placed your hands on his chest. Your hips moved up and down. You weren't in a hurry, you didn't have to. You were in complete control of everything and Joel didn't complain. You heard his deep growls and saw his breathing quicken. At that moment you felt something new… A new chapter in your relationship has opened. You trusted him.

When you felt yourself getting closer to your second orgasm, you moaned loudly and quickened your pace even more. Joel grabbed your thigh with his tied hands as much as he could. His grunts became even deeper. But at some point, he bit his lip, he was getting closer to coming, but he didn't want to do it before you… He couldn't.

But you didn't hold back. You reached between your legs with one hand and started rubbing your clit. Your moans became even louder.

"Ahhh! Ahhh… Honey!"

And so you reached your second climax. You collapsed onto his chest and Joel groaned softly.

"Y/n… Baby… I'm too close…"

Joel started moving his hips and you heeded his warning. The lack of condoms in the post-pandemic world sucked. You hadn't talked about this part of your relationship, but you both seemed to realize that it was too early to think about having a second child.

You slowly pulled out of him and laid down next to him. You decided to help him and grabbed his swollen, throbbing cock with your hand. Joel made an almost animalistic, primal sound. After fasting for so long, he didn't need much. Just a few movements of your hand was enough and he came, and gushing sperm covered his belly and reached his shirt.

While Joel was still breathing heavily, you couldn't help but start licking his skin.

"Jesus!"

His flaccid cock twitched even though there was no chance of it getting hard again.

You giggled and pulled away, once you had licked most of the semen off you looked at him with affection and started to untie his hands.

When his hands were finally free, Joel immediately removed the blindfold. His eyes had to get used to the light again, but he still looked at you with admiration and devotion.

"Hi…" he croaked and brushed his hand against your cheek. "I missed your beautiful face."

You smiled and placed your head on his chest. His hand started stroking your back.

"Did you like it?" you asked and looked into his eyes.

You didn't need a verbal response. It was enough for his lips to curve into a wide smile and his eyes to sparkle.

"That was amazing…" His hand started caressing your hip. "But the more important question is, did you like it? Was everything okay?"

You snuggled closer to his body. His concern only proved to you how much he had changed since Boston.

"Yes. I'm fine. I feel very good… Do you think we can do it this way for now?"

You felt a little uneasy asking about it again. You didn't know if Joel would consider tying his hands a one-time thing.

Joel nodded and kissed your head.

"Of course, Sweetheart. I'm proud of you for fighting your trauma… We will do everything slowly. At your pace and on your terms."

His words were like a soothing balm for your soul.

You closed your eyes, listening to his heartbeat.

"Maybe next time we'll try without the blindfold?"

Joel also closed his eyes and smiled. He pulled you closer to him.

"Whatever you want. With or without a blindfold. It doesn't matter to me as long as you feel safe and comfortable with me."

You took a deep breath and felt sleepy. The fire was still burning in the fireplace, Joel's body was warm, and his voice sounded like a lullaby. You yawned and murmured sleepily:

"Can we take a nap?"

Joel chuckled quietly. He found you so cute when you were sleepy.

"I'd love to take advantage of this opportunity. We still have a few hours."

Joel covered you both with a blanket and buried his face in your hair. It wasn't long before you were both dozing off. *

The next day, when you were driving together to Anna and Toby, you had a blissful smile on your faces. You kept glancing at each other. Whenever your horse rode next to Joel's horse, he immediately placed his hand on your thigh.

You two heard a long groan behind you.

"There are children here."

Joel laughed and rolled his eyes. He looked at Ellie, who was riding with Teddy.

"You keep saying you're an adult. So just one kid and…" Joel smirked and placed his hand on your hip. "We're just showing affection. It's nothing bad."

Ellie snorted.

"Yeah, right… That's why you've been so happy since yesterday. Find a room."

Teddy started laughing happily.

"Ellie, Daddy, and Mommy have their own room at Grandpa's."

Ellie patted his head.

"You'll understand when you get older."

You looked at them and smiled. You loved the little fights between the teenage girl and Joel and the way Ellie took care of Teddy.

Suddenly Joel stopped your horses and you looked at him in surprise. You were practically at Anna and Toby's house. But when you realized what it was about, your heart trembled. From a distance, it was obvious that something was wrong. There was a trail of blood in the snow leading to an open door. The front windows were broken.

You didn't think much, your instincts just kicked in. You jumped off your horse and shouted:

"Anna, Tob…"

Joel was equally fast. He grabbed you from behind and pressed his hand to your mouth.

"Shhh…" he growled. "We don't know who is there."

You looked at him with tears in your eyes. You realized he was right. Your behavior was irrational. You nodded and he released you.

Meanwhile, Ellie was hugging the worried little boy. Joel walked up to her and gave her the reins of his horse.

"Hide among the trees."

Teddy looked at him and whimpered.

"Where are the grandparents?"

Joel wanted to hug him, but instead, he rubbed his shoulder soothingly and said sympathetically,

"Don't worry, 'bear cub'. Me and mom will check everything."

Joel tried to stay calm even though he suspected the worst.

He walked up to you and handed you his handgun while he took the shotgun.

"You're following me. If something goes wrong, you jump on your horse and you all run back to Jackson. Without turning back. You understand!"

His voice was so stern and commanding that all you could do was nod and hold back the tears that wanted to escape from your eyes.

Joel sighed, he didn't want to be so hard on you. He cupped your head in one hand and kissed your forehead.

"Okay. Let's go."

Slowly, tense, and focused, you approached the house. The surroundings seemed deserted. You felt your heart in your throat. You glanced at the open door and the trail of blood leading into the house. You heard Joel's voice:

"I'll check the house…"

When he disappeared into the house, you had the impression that time stopped. You felt fear and despair wash over you. Anna and Toby were like parents to you. You couldn't lose them like this. Tears began to flow down your cheeks.

Finally, Joel left. He still looked focused and ready to fight.

"Nothing," he muttered.

"What?" you croaked.

Joel stepped closer and wiped away your tears with his thumb.

"No one is there. There are no bodies… Someone must have been there… The house looks ransacked, but… Anna and Toby may still be alive."

You felt the world spinning around you. You didn't know if it was all real or if you were stuck in some nightmare.

"What happened here?"

Your question hung unanswered in the frosty air.

Taglist: @casa-boiardi @noisynightmarepoetry @ihavetwoholesforareason @sloanexx @creedslove @orcasoul @o-sacra-virgo-laudes-tibi @i-workwithpens @milla-frenchy @liatome @jojo-munson @pascalislove @goldenhxurs @elliaze @aestheticangel612 @cheyxfu @prestinalove @stevengmybeloved @faith-alons26 @harriedandharassed @this--is--music @joeldjarin @elliaze @ajeff855 @anislabonis-love @quality-lust @sarahhxx03 @sofiparallel @misshoneypaper @simplyreading96 @ilovetaquitosmmmm @softstarlite @missladym1981 @heartpascalispunk @brujademente @littleshadow17 @emmathetrash

Pernament tag list: @harriedandharassed

Yes, I know, this cliffhanger is… Ugh… But I promise that this time the next chapter will appear much faster so I won't leave you in suspense for a long time.

Part 11

Part 13

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fanfiction #joel miller #the last of us #joel miller fanfiction #joel x reader #joel and you #joel miller fic #tlou fic #joel and ellie #joel is daddy #angst #hurt/comfort #love story #unforgivable mistake

[literallyspiderwoman]

It’s almost 1am rn and I’m bored so here’s some Gwendy headcanons! ^_^ 🥁🩵

-Loves loves LOOOVES cats but is super allergic so she never had one. She loves going to cat cafes with Miles despite her allergies. She’s one of those girls who pets every cat she sees on the street.

-Just like how Miles draws her, Gwen sometimes draws Miles in her notebook when she’s bored in class. She kinda sucks at drawing but she still tries anyways. She has a whole sketchbook filled with bad Miles doodles which her dad found in her room and was like “who tf…”

-At night she’ll cling onto a pillow or a plushie and pretend it’s Miles 🥹

-Made a whole Spotify playlist of songs that reminded her of Miles and she listens to it whenever she’s drawing him or when she just misses him. She often used to put this playlist on at night while looking at that old photo of her and Miles as she teared up knowing she’s probably never going to see him again.

-We all know Gwen is awkward, but she’s ESPECIALLY awkward around older women. Since she was raised by her dad and never really knew her mom, she sees Jess as a mother figure. Sometimes she’ll accidentally call Jess “mom” and get embarrassed as hell about it right after 😭

-LOVES video games. She doesn’t play them as much now since she’s busy doing Spider-Woman stuff but when she was younger she had a Wii which she used to play with Peter (She hasn’t touched it since he died), and a Nintendo Switch which she still uses occasionally. Her fav game is most definitely Animal Crossing.

-This kinda ties into my last headcanon, but Gwen for sure plays Mario Kart. She plays it with Miles too. She’ll sometimes bring her Switch over to Earth 1610 and taught Miles how to play it, and no matter how many times Gwen and Miles race against each other, she wins every time.

-Her music taste mostly consists of rock. She introduced Miles to a couple rock bands like Nirvana, Deftones, and Radiohead, while Miles introduced her to artists like Tyler, the Creator, Frank Ocean, and Steve Lacy.

-Is a TERRIBLE cook. She literally has to call Miles in every time she cooks something because half the time she ends up almost burning everything. She’s great at baking though, her and Miles will bake her favorite desserts together on special occasions.

-Taught Hobie a bit of drums in exchange for Hobie teaching her some guitar.

-Has an amazing singing voice but chooses not to sing in front of people. Occasionally she’ll sing for Miles though if he really wants to hear it.

-Made a whole groupchat with the Spider-Band after the events of BTSV, she’s not very active in it but when she is she just sends memes or silly cat pics lol.

-Is a huge fan of matching pfps. She always asks to match pfps with Miles and they’ll match as either her favorite characters or some silly cats.

-When she stayed at Hobie’s place she would play Roblox with him. Gwen played for fun and Hobie played to troll little kids 😭

#she’s so silly I love her sm #will def make more of these if u guys like it :3 #atsv #across the spiderverse #spiderman #gwen stacy #spiderverse #spider gwen #ghost spider #headcanons

[cirtusmistress]

JJK Baby Daddy x Reader HC: Choso ~ The Helicopter Parent

an: i love choso and have baby fever. which sucks for a lesbian who has a visceral fear of being pregnant. so i'm gonna write about a 2D man k thanks <3

tw: mentions of SIDs

genre: fluff with a touch of angst in the teen years

AO3 Crosspost

Bless his heart man :(

Didn’t even know he could have kids but once he learned that he could it was game over.

He had eight siblings and loves them all with his whole heart. Literally Yuji being his brother reshaped his brain, how do you think having kids will have him?

I see him as a girl dad personally but he will love his children no matter the gender.

It was a lot when you told him you were pregnant. It had never really been a thought beforehand, and it just kinda.. Happened. It was a long discussion but you decided to keep it (but if you didn’t want it he would have supported you, because he loves you and in the end you have to come first).

Anxious as fuck though. He’s buying so many parenting books and reading mommy blogs and did you know you shouldn’t eat fish while pregnant? No fish for you. Such a helicopter dad and partner.

LOVES designing the nursery.

You bought him a disposable camera so he could document the pregnancy and he adored every second of it. He makes you a pregnancy scrapbook for each one.

He keeps the first ultrasound pic on him all the time. Shows it to everyone he can like, “This is my baby :)”

He cried every time you two looked at onesies. Realizing how small your baby was gonna be got him so emotional.

Likes helping you pick out maternity wear too! He thinks you’re so cute :(

If you’re a seahorse dad he’s super understanding and tries to help you through any dysphoria you may have. You’re his partner and he feels his family's pain very strongly, so he just wants you to be okay.

He involves Yuji in your pregnancy a lot too (which he loves, he can’t wait to be an uncle).

When the baby finally comes home he’s such an anxious mess. Every time they cry he’s just overwhelmed and scared something is wrong or his fault.

He doesn’t get much sleep. He made the mistake of reading about SIDs and is constantly scared that he’ll wake up one day and they’ll just be gone.

It takes a lot of reassurance from you to calm him back down. Eventually he starts sleeping again, but his sleep is very light.

Loves wearing a papoose (baby carrier). He likes having his baby with him wherever he goes.

I can see him fully committing to being a stay at home daddy. He loves his family and if he could spend every day with his children nothing would make him happier. Gives you a lot of special attention during and after the pregnancy. Massages, going out late at night for craving foods, sitting with you while you go through morning sickness. When you get home he’s super hands on so you can rest and recuperate. You’re the love of his life, nothing is too much for you.

He also makes baby scrapbooks. For all of his kids, at least 3 each. No one goes without and every child is made sure to feel special and loved.

Again, cries at every milestone. When they roll over, when they sit up, the first word. Even the less conventional ones like the first hair cut.

You had to keep him from attacking the doctor when you took them in for their first shots..

The toddler phase is fun. He’s chasing naked babies around your home day and night. Loves the phase where they want to sleep in bed with you two. Being able to have his family all in one bed makes him feel safe. Even if it means a kick to the side or back.

It’s hard when his kids start going to school. He can’t always be with them or protect them and it’s scary for him. He’s always thinking about them, and when they get home he’s always there to pick them up or walk them back to the house.

The teen phase is also a hard transition. Suddenly it’s not cool to spend time with your dad anymore. Some of his kids do, of course, but it’s always a struggle when the others pull away. You always assure him it’s normal, and they still love him. But Choso struggles when his family pulls apart even in little ways.

He’s still a helicopter parent. He means well but to teens it just feels overbearing. He doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong.

But in the end his kids always come back. Because they know he will never abandon them, and would raise hell for them.

Wants at least three. If you’re willing, five.

Readiness? 60% Lot’s of panic and crying, but no doubt all of his children will feel endlessly loved, as will you.

who else should I daddy? gojo and nanami are on my hit list

#jjk #jjk fanfic #jjk x reader #jjk hcs #choso x reader #choso kamo #jjk choso #jujutsu kaisen choso #jjk fluff #pregnancy au

[millionancientbees]

Something I think a lot of ppl forget when they’re dealing with suicidal people is that a lot of us are suicidal because we can’t afford or access basic needs, let alone creature comforts.

Before sending your suicidal friend to the mental hospital to maybe be severely traumatized by even less autonomy and also potentially lose their jobs and housing, have you:

-spent time with them so they’re not alone with their thoughts and organized a care group of their friends to help take care of tasks that are overwhelming?

-made a post or group chat to raise funds for bills that are looming and making them feel like they’ll never be able to succeed at life? Tried to help connect them with resources? Offered to sit down with them while they make calls? Offered to take a look at their debt and see if it can be refinanced? Etc, based on your skills, who you know, what you have the resources and comfort and closeness with the person to allow

-taken them to do some fun things? Gotten them out of their house and into the sun?

-gotten them something sweet or comforting or good smelling or whatever? A simple $5 candle can be a reason for someone to smile and feel cared about.

-gotten them tools to manage their sensory needs? Are they over or under stimulated? I will become immediately suicidal if I hear too many sounds while hungry or tired or upset or overheated or or or

I’m not saying the hospital is never the answer. I’m not saying don’t take people who are immediately in danger. I’m not saying you have to do this for people who are behaving in a way that will hurt you. But if you care about someone who is suicidal, this is something to think about.

I have literally been suicidal for as long as I can remember (and I remember a lot of my very early childhood) and some of the small things that have legitimately kept me alive over the years include:

-my friends buying me noise canceling headphones

-my friends taking me on a vacation

-my partner letting me read out loud to them when they were playing video games every night

-my friends buying my art or sending me money to help pay bills, get my car fixed, etc

-my sister giving me rides to my doctor appointments and buying me a little treat afterwards

-my friends sharing their audible/netflix/hulu/libby accounts with me so i had something to focus on other than wanting to die

-friends taking me out to dinner and letting me talk about my special interests

-my friend giving me houseplants and teaching me how to keep them alive, which required spending quality time together whenever I needed to learn something new and gave them an excuse to bully me into leaving my depression nest when nobody else could

-my friend buying me a vape when I was breaking apart and had nothing to do with my hands and nothing to calm my very upset nervous system and $2 in the bank and also I was going through withdrawals

-my friend teaching me how to drive and helping me get my license so I could have some autonomy

Like it really can be that simple. We sometimes forget that therapy and meds can only do so much at a time, and some people get treatment for their entire lives and still struggle a lot even when they do everything right, especially when they’re dealing with complicated issues like other disabilities, chronic pain, poverty, abusive situations/ongoing trauma, etc.

#mental health #tw sui ideation

[28mindgames]

What were the highlights of the show last night for you?

Hope you had the best night 🩷

for context: it was one of the worst weeks of my entire life because on wednesday my grandfather had a heart attack and i had to travel urgently to my hometown and then to another city where he was in intensive care. so when i got the call in my mind the posibility of going to the show was cancelled and obviously that make me very sad but at the same time i felt guilty for wanting to go. however, my family insisted that i had to go but i waited until the last visit on friday to decide because i'm an only daughter, i'm his only granddaughter and my family consists of him, my uncle and my mother so it's not easy and he's my whole life but that same night i returned to rosario and very early on saturday i was able to travel to buenos aires, i arrived there around noon. the line was soo long but there was a beautiful autumn sun.

i met 5 other girls and i was really surprised not to see or talk to anyone underage, we entered at 5:30 in the afternoon and i unbuttoned my jeans and sat in the pit to eat an alfajor (jajsjs). the chaos begun with pacífica and continued with giant rooks (INCREDIBLE!!!). before the show started i was on the verge of losing a shoe and even though it was hot from so many people, i had 4 layers of clothes and felt very cold. at this point my throat hurt A LOT

i realized that liam was in the vip but in the part where i was (next to the catwalk) no one made much of a fuss and liam's "newness" lasted at most 40 seconds, which is why i'm surprised to see so much talk about him online when in my experience it meant nothing and the people around me said "uh it's liam, that's great" and after 2 minutes they were already focused on louis coming out on stage (no olé olé olé liam in my area)

about the show: i don't know if i have the words to describe it but it made me feel so much HAPPINESS, i think about it and smile at the screen, louis was beautiful (that color is great for him and i loved the outfit !!!) the feeling of the music in your chest in a live show is incomparable and the introduction of the greatest 10/10, there were things that surprised me like songs that i didn't think the audience would sing that louder as coacoac or face the music. megamix live is a religious experience, my eyes filled with tears during we made it (how good it sounds!!! god was it possible to beat ltwt? yes). the band? excellent, louis' voice? sweet and clear

my phone doesn't take nice photos at night and the videos are dubious and never do it justice, so for me it was great to focus on enjoying the show and not so much on recording every second or trying to get the best photo. i wish i could name one song in particular but i enjoyed them all, of the 1d covers, i felt more energy and it was louder wtbhg and i'm not going to lie i enjoyed it a lot (fun fact: that song was recorded in buenos aires during wwat - yes! overwork! yasss!)

the ooms fp was AMAZING AAAAAAAA !!!!!! AAAAA !!! !!!! SO MUCH FUN. i have watched the video that inspired it millions of times (rolling stones in buenos aires 2006 - around 5:30) dreaming of living something like that and it was better: there was pogo, energy and argentinidad. the saturdays fp made me cry. A LOT. you could feel the adoration and love of the public for him and every time louis spoke it felt special <3

after ooms i went behind the front pit to have a more panoramic view and i saw how chris (i had him next to me because he started taking photos during wtbhg and i 👀 🤔👽🚶‍♂️) and matt were toasting with the technical team. silver tongues is the perfect ending for the show and the fireworks were like the cherry in top of a cake aaaaand that's when it really hit me HOW COLD IT WAS (6°) and i wished for the next tour happens in spring when buenos aires is completely purple with the jacarandás and it's my birthday, the funny part is that now it's not even winter here. anyways I LOVED EVERY SECOND AND I ENJOYED IT SO MUCH <3 i love louis with my whole heart I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT NIGHT ♥️🇦🇷

#my show #ask #x #fitfwt buenos aires

[khaopybara]

#FK1stFMinBrazil

#firstkhaotung #firstkhao #first kanaphan #khaotung thanawat #.. bibs gifs. #excuse me for the overly long post #this is me fulfilling my self-indulgent needs bc i've been waiting for this for the longest time #i want to have this forever somewhere so i can keep looking at it #it was a very special night and it was so much fun #i want to go back to december 3rd it's a very important memory for me

[averlym]

some very very quick costume shorthands!

#&juliet #had the absolute luck of watching this live the other night and it was. truly amazing!!! aaah #rough character designs for the younger leads (excluding like the Grown adult duos..) because?? idk #this is how it always starts. once the character designs start getting simplified like this that's when it all begins #which is hmmm timing but i really can't shut up about this musical it was so so fun. absolute vibes and energy #made me laugh and cry and was such an Experience. i adore them all but may specifically made me sob at some parts dfjkldfh #lots of thoughts! but one of the favs is how they wrote it so the existing songs and actions fit so well. #like in a rhyming bit they had frankie accept a drink and then the song was like ''drink in hand'' and i was all !!!!!! #also maybe it's local censorship? but there wasn't the kisses.. they replaced it w kissing hands and then holding hands #which is like a cute nod to the ''hand to hand holy palmers kiss' or smth but also maybe two guys doing that would not have made it past :/ #oh my god i. the way rnj parallels the shakespeare duo... whdskjfhgh. may + not being a Girl kdjhgf. frankie and may. aaagh. #angelique being so so badass. i . the speech about Gender by anne and the Proposal by angelique both made the whole theatre cheer love that #also rotating stage lives in my mind rent free i ADORE the set holy moly.. also also the actors were so good. also the Projections. #also the music and costumes and special effects and aerial moments. and the ensemble. and the choreo #also the cast is so talented. and pretty. and the whole confidence part vs the vulnerability of some bits... whshjfgjkl. hhh #im just listing stuff now but it was so vibes. what an experience ever. it's also shot me directly into 14-years-old again so #spent the morning alone vibing to the soundtrack intensely... i just... sometimes things hold special places in your heart idk!!! #i don't know what to do with these designs though... like the show is such a lovely Spectacle but also idk where to branch out by myself no #there's so much to Absorb again and again. i get the feeling any true work from this i would do in a form of an animatic though.. oops #tldr? 1. &juliet very good just as itself 2. we have History 3. i got to see it live which always propels me into bonkers over musicals! #so so rough but i needed to get smth out and . whatever. an art blog is an art blog. back to hiatus now i think #<reminder to myself: this is essentially an artchive.. there's no quality control if you don't want it! have fun!! ily>

[raiiny-bay]

it’s honestly kinda crazy to me that kel & co were literally the first OCs i ever made

#my test subjects if you will #& yet i am still obsessed w them after all these years #idk i just think it’s kinda special bc it’s like we grew up together almost? #the first iteration of kel & co were honestly very wacky. like the deviant art era of my oc making if you know what i mean #but they’ve changed & grown a lot over the years & that’s kinda fun!! they’re very dear to me tbh #sometimes i read through old notes for them & i’m just like. man what was i thinking #i could honestly write an entire essay on all of the scrapped lore for these guys. the kel & co multiverse is Very extensive lol #the original three the story was about were bow kel & a lil ghost i named tragedy (i was 12 lol) #her real name is isobel. she’s not in canon anymore but she IS in monster boyz. i put a lot of the old characters in mbz. #dhes wasn’t in the original story at first either. he was a character i made for an rp lmao #but once that ended i decided i loved him so much & had to put him in my main project #he has changed the most from his original design tbh. personality wise i mean #he went from very minor side character to the literal focus of the story #he’s essentially the main narrator. even more so than kel #idk. i was just randomly thinking about them & how long it’s been. #gives me feelings when i think about it all lol #i did not sleep last night at all btw #rainyrambles

[manasurge]

Tis' the season where I mentally and physically suffer. Complaining below (feel free to ignore, I'm just venting. I usually do this every year to get most of it out of my system lol):

mmm the fall/winter SAD is indeed in full swing. No warmth + no sun = a bad bad time. I always get so annoyed when ppl assume that I love winter bc I'm a "winter baby", as if that has any sort of divine intervention on instantaneously adapting you to perfectly fit the climate you were born in. NOPE. Silly human superstition. I start to freeze once it hits below 20C. I wish I lived in a warmer climate o|-< The depresso is probably going to make me very whiny and moody until next spring, so an early forewarning bc I'm EXTREMELY annoying about it this time of year bc it's the only way I know how to deal with it. But moreso in addition to the physical stuff is how badly it messes with my mind, making me so depressed to the point of just... sitting in non-moving silence where I become stiff as a board (very painful btw) and I isolate, making the bad depresso brain time even worse where I overthink everything bc of the silence and isolation. It's also always the time of year where everyone goes quiet too, which is understandable, but also makes things 10x worse (I am very alone in my life and where I am, and kind of rely on online friends bc they're all I have. I don't even have a pet. I'm literally just, loner mode. I don't really have much family to speak of, and only one family member I do speak to. I have little to no connections at all. But regardless, this is still the best living situation I've been in my whole life, so that's saying something).

#i hate the cold; I hate ice; cold air hurts my skin and burns my lungs #i hate snow (I'm sorry I just don't think it's pretty. It's gross; erases all colour/everything; blinding; kills everything; claustrophobic #I hate long nights; i hate all the darkness #I take Vitamin D drops every day during winter and they don't really help #I also use those special lights meant to help during the long darkness for the same reason; and they also do not help #nothing works!!!!!! eating and drinking hot things doesn't help me stay warm bc heat dissipates away quickly and doesn't help my extremitie #the cold makes me SO dry and dehydrated; makes my bones hurt; makes outside DANGEROUS AF. ICE IS BAD. BE CAREFUL. #I can't retain heat; my hypothyroidism makes me colder by default and I just don't metabolize good/fast enough to keep myself warm #(my body temp is lower than average; fun fact! same with my blood pressure! both of them are very low) #I think my average from all the times I've had it scanned during covid was 32-36C. No idea how that works; I just remember checking it a lo #my fingers and hands are going to freeze; making it harder to draw/type/etc. #I'm not going to wear gloves inside my home bc that's dumb and they don't help anyways. It will just screw up my ability to use my hands #I get to be in pain for months with increased potential of being sick :/ #also I HATE bundling/layering myself with clothing or blankets; it's suffocating; restricting; sensory hell for me; sweaters are uncomfy :( #also whenever I try to do that all it does is insulate the cold for me; keeping me colder for even longer!!!!! it's so unfair!!!! #I've worn out 2 space heaters already and they don't work properly anymore (I used them both so much I wore out my preferred settings lol) #sobs; i'm a sad plant lizard

[yo9urt]

bald gate.

#mine #finished my second run (first d4rk urge run) last night. deeply distraught in a good way #it was SO BEAUTIFUL. and i got so attached to my character i love him SO MUCH #i knew finishing his run and having to essentially let go of him was going to suck but wow it did suck i love him so dearly #sigh. at least i can invent a beautiful happy epilogue for him in my mind on top of the one the game gave me #which was also wonderful. i got the av3rnus k4rlach ending <3 and everyone seemed to be doing well #but you know. i'll never be able to really experience his adventure again :( it was so beautiful and it was so fun to play as him #love that little guy... <3 #i want to start more runs asap but at the same time im so distraught by this one ending #and when i finished my first run i made myself a rule of going at least one day between the end of one and teh start of another #to avoid burnout and also to let myself process and get ready for a new playthrough yknow #but like. WAHHHHHHHH #i'm going to miss this character :( you can only play a d4rk urge for the first time once and he became very special to me #i wish i could draw...i'd just draw him all day every day

[starkerscoop]

Courting an Omega, Tony Stark-Style has over 1,000 kudos???? I’m in shock but so, so happy. I only just noticed. Thank you to everyone who enjoyed my fic ☺ This is my first time reaching that number! 

#i want to celebrate but i'm not sure how #i'm always accepting prompts and requests so that wouldn't be very special #maybe i should write a sequel or an alternate ending #or let someone else choose the plot of the follow-up #that could be fun! having someone else decide what happens with the story #hmu either in pms or my askbox if you want to choose what happens #the odds of someone reading my tags are slim but whatever #if you ARE reading my tags thank you and hello #don't be shy to reach out cause i love to chat :) #as you can probably tell by these seemingly neverending tags #anyway #thank you so much to everyone who supports me #this is really perfect timing because i was having one of those days where i'm like #'i'm a horrible writer and should never write again' #so this cheered me up #alright i've talked enough #have a wonderful day or night! #personal

[twinsfawn]

†

#my entire life blew up in the span of a few days and i’m in so much fucking pain #like i haven’t been this bad mentally in a long time #and i wanna cry/vent to someone but i also don’t because i know no one is going to understand/empathize in the way i need them to #and obviously no one is gonna fix my problems #i feel completely alone and i wanna bash my head into the wall #i was the closest to kms that i’ve ever been in my life the other night #and i know hospitalization will make me worse and i’m trying to just survive and hope that a med dose bump or rx change will help #everything is so stressful and painful and isolating and i know i have people who care about me but at the same time i feel like #i have no one #and i’m so tired of being abandoned by everyone i s2g i’m only dating people w bpd from now on bc no one else understands #and i wanna quit my job so fucking bad but then i won’t have health insurance #and i have very few irl friends bc it’s so hard to find people to relate to in my godforsaken area #in conclusion everything is horrible everyone you love will leave you #btw if anyone thinks this is about them: you’re not special enough to create this much mental turmoil in my life lmao the only other #person really involved in this is my ex #who is no different than any other person who has abandoned me and deliberately stomped on my heart #also capitalism is evil blah blah i would not be nearly this stressed if there wasn’t a ‘ #‘cost of living’ #• #one day someone will break you the way you broke me so have fun with that #i gave literally everything to you #now i have to destroy/dispose of everything you gave me bc looking at everything hurts #you didn’t even try for me #i have loved all of my past partners so much and worked so hard to understand their specific traumas and mental illnesses #and everyone else puts in like 10% effort and then gives up bc it’s ‘too hard’ #you’re nothing

[floralminho]

I SAW CHUNGHA AND CHEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

#i’m never moving on from last night it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much fun #they’re both rlly cute and sweet i love them very much #she performed roller coaster which is the era i became a byulharang so that made last night very special to me personally #but also fuck mnh for not letting her perform an unreleased track like she did in london AND postponing her part 2 album #like her setlist was shorter than others i’m sick of it she deserves better #rae.txt #hpf syd ‘22

[ikyw-t]

all time low teasing a new song on their instagram today is a very special treat just for me specifically bc I've actually been focusing and doing my homework all morning ☺️🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️ maybe studying does lead to good things!! love light and peace in the universe fr 💖

#lol in my dream last night i vaguely remember that atl had a performance with demi so like...... #im not saying i manifested this but yes i did ❤️❤️❤️ #i love it when they release new music right before a tour actually it's like a fun special little treat #to go with the fun special little treat that is seeing them on tour 💖💖💖 #also reminds me of how pma was released and alex was briefly performing in those iconic overalls for an unjustly short time #oh i can't wait for atl tour season!!! it's my favorite season of them all!! yes autumn is good but atl tour season is the BEST 💖💖💖💖 #apologies to my followers since i haven't been blogged about atl very much recently #there will be much posting about them :)))) i cannot wait 💖💖💖💖💖 #feel free to block the tag for them tho loll lord knows i block tags frequently #atl #my boys my best most special boys 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 #sorry lol i just haven't effused my love for them in a minute and they've been on my mind today already even before this so!!