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nurfhurdur · 4 years

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Hard Enough Left Modern AU

Because I miss Ruth

There hadn't been activity on that particular channel in weeks. Every few days Emily would log on, only to be dissapointed to see that nothing had changed. The only activity being comments from other viewers asking when to expect another video.

It had gotten to the point where she had checked to make sure she was still subscribed, and she edited her settings to make sure she'd get a notification the next time there was anything uploaded. It was another three weeks after that, that she had checked the time on her phone to see the banner across the screen.

Rushing through the last of her course work, she threw her backpack on the floor and reached for her tablet. She tapped a fingernail against the screen impatiently as YouTube finally loaded, hitting pause quickly so she could dig her headphones out of the nightstand drawer.

She'd binged Ruth's videos in the span of a few days. She didn't know how girls on YouTube did it, especially with a DIY channel. Starting back from the first videos posted a few years before, the video quality had improved, the girl's editing had improved, and she'd become more comfortable in front of a camera. From cooking, and baking, to personal desk size succulent gardens, or organizing and purging a closet, somehow the girl had made a name for herself on the internet and the most mundane of tasks seemed more interesting when discussed and explained on this girl's channel.

Comfortable in her bed, she finally pressed play and tilted her head as the personalized graphic of a constellation came on screen, which the girl had done a tutorial on also....

When did she have the time to do all this?

She was pulled from her thoughts, and rather startled, to see an exhausted looking version of the girl who ran the channel. Ruth's dark hair was pulled in to a messy bun, circles under her eyes and she looked like she hadn't taken the time to get out of her pajamas. What was most startling, was what looked like a medical oxygen tube beneath her nose.

Looking up into the camera, she waved vaguely with her usual greeting before continuing.

"I've never really shared this, because I never had any reason to-" She held up the small tank of oxygen sitting beside her and grinned flatly. "-but now I do.....so today's video is a bit of a PSA."

Her expression dulled and she stared at the screen a moment. "Get out of the shot."

"I'm not in the shot," came a low response from the corner.

Ruth addressed the camera again. "I have help today."

A few clips were edited in of Ruth and....was that Jesse Hudson?

The Piston Cup driver?

The two were figuring out where to stage Ruth's things, and Ruth watched in exasperation before telling him to leave her stuff alone and let her do it.

"I'm just trying to help."

"This isn't my first video or anything-....no, leave the tank there-"

"Wh-"

"Because that's where I keep it when I'm working here-"

The clip cut back to Ruth's slightly more professional expression and she reached for the camera. "For those of you who keep up, yes, that was Jesse Hudson. Jesse, say hello."

"Hey." He muttered with a glance up from his phone.

"We're twins. Before you flood my inbox, I'm older, it's not that exciting to have a celebrity sibling and-....." Ruth paused and stared at the screen again. "Did you just kick the footboard of my bed?"

Just barely in the frame, Jesse's Nikes could be seen as he kicked off from the bed again, spinning the chair slowly. "Yeah, cause you lie."

"I do not lie. You're- you know what, this is my video, and I'm not spending ages editing it so now the world can see how sulky you are."

The chair rolled further in to frame and Jesse only shrugged a shoulder before going back to his phone.

Ruth took a slow breath, for effect or because she needed it, it was hard to tell, before launching in to a lengthy explanation of why she had been absent for so long.

"I don't have an actual diagnosis, no one can give me a specific name for it-"

The more she spoke, the more emotional the video became. The natural lighting of her bedroom made the video a little surreal, the way it picked up the threatening shine in the girl's eyes wasn't staged, or planned, or even wanted. It was apparent that a portion had been cut. She looked like she had been crying, and instead of lazing in the background, Jesse was sitting beside her at her desk, chin rested on his hand as he looked between her and the screen silently.

"Some of you wonder how I have time to do any of this, some of you are very rude in your questioning of how I have time-"

The clip had been edited again and a more composed looking Ruth stared at the camera before speaking and glancing over her shoulder. "Our older brother thought there was a problem and I'm sure Jesse is getting lectured for something...."

She'd edited captions in, and color coded them for each brother. They appeared at the bottom of the screen while she made a show of her impatience on camera.

"Can you for once in your life-"

"She asked me to help-"

Ruth made eye contact with the camera a moment before continuing, explaining that her illness started back in the early 2000s. Doctors had originally treated her for bronchitis, then walking pneumonia. X-rays, blood tests, screenings and different antibiotics had all been tried with only mininal results. There was the possibility of an autoimmune disorder but they hadn't started that round of tests yet.

"I don't always have an oxygen tank, this is a bit of a new development...." She eyed the small cylinder beside her and it was obvious to see that she was still trying to wrap her head around it. With a shaky and watery smile she looked back at the camera.

"It's extremely hard to be looked at the way people do when you have something like this basically tied to your side."

She ignored her twins' return to his chair beside her.

"For some it's an insulin pump, for me it's an oxygen tank, for others it's chronic pain. We know we have it, while the general public tends to look at us like we're looking for sympathy or leaching the system. Just because it's an invisible disease doesn't mean it isn't there."

She looked at her brother before leaning back in her computer chair. Drawing her knee up, she wrapped an arm around it.

"Where had we gone the other day? Was it the grocery store-"

"Doctor appointment."

"Oh, yeah. It was." Ruth frowned. "I've been issued a handicap sign for the mirror of my car....they haven't sent the new license plate yet. I didn't even want to use it but it was a really bad day for me. My family convinced me to use it to park as close as possible, and then wanted to get me a wheel chair."

She pursed her lips, taking a moment to gather her thoughts and looked in to the camera.

"Some middle aged woman came right up to me and told me she thought it was horrible that I would do such a thing for a closer space. That as a young woman in my twenties, I was more than capable of walking the extra hundred feet and had no right to be using my grandparents' issued sign like that."

She looked away from the camera and swiped a tear from her eye. Barely seen on camera, it looked like Jesse might have nudged her chair with his foot.

"I was so upset I showed her my signature on the back, and then my driver's license. Just because I'm in my twenties doesn't mean-"

She shook her head and sighed while rubbing her forehead.

"It's hard enough for people like myself to be so restricted when we're supposed to be 'enjoying our youth'...don't be that person. Just.....take a moment to realize that we're not always how we appear. It's a smack of pride to even have to use that handicap sign. I just stared at it hanging from the rearview mirror, convincing myself not to take it back down for some complete stranger to then treat me that way?"

"That was the appointment they gave you the tank." Jesse muttered lowly.

"It was." She agreed. "Like that wasn't a hard pill to swallow already...."

There was a brief pause, and it was obvious she was mentally shaking herself. She diverted the topic somewhat, sitting up straighter and getting composed.

"So that's where all my time comes from. This started as a hobby a few years ago and because of you-" she gestured to the screen. "-faithfull viewers and subscribers, I've networked with a few different small businesses, I work from home. I have my Etsy shop, I've been able to review different products and be sponsored by those companies. If you haven't visited, be sure to check the links in the description. There's my Etsy shop, Instagram, Twitter, and links to my favourite channels."

As an afterthought, she added. "Maybe I'll do more videos on this, I'm not really sure. Leave your thoughts in the comments."

It was her usual send off, but for some reason it meant so much more after a fifteen minute video explaining something so personal.

"Remember guys, there's always a reason to smile. Until next time."

The personalized LittleDipperCo. appeared on screen alongside the subscribe button and list of links before the next video in the playlist began to buffer.

She hit cancel and set the tablet aside, trying to digest the last fifteen minutes. She'd ordered from the Etsy shop, LittleDipperCo. before and had recieved a little handwritten note alongside all the little items she'd ordered.

Stickers, bookmarks, a personalized mug for her dad, the earrings she was currently wearing....because she'd ordered so much and had been so patient, Ruth had added a few small items and a personal thank you card.

She was her favorite shop, there was something unique about LittleDipperCo.-creations by RuthAnne- that had always stood out to her.

Grabbing her tablet, she went back to find the link and glanced up at her open doorway in surprise when her brother appeared.

"Did you see what he's saying about me?"

"What who is saying-"

"Hudson thinks he's being funny-"

"Get off of Twitter, Alexander."

Alex held his phone up and read the time stamp. "An hour and a half ago-"

Emily glanced back at the upload time of Ruth's video. It was only about half an hour old.

Jesse Hudson was apparently roasting her brother in that video.

She blinked a few times and hid a smirk, busying herself with reaching for a hair tie. "Don't you have some kind of conference to get ready for?"

Another alert popped up as he made a show of leaving her doorway and Emily shook her head while clicking the link.

Let's lighten the mood! PSA- BLOOPERS AND REAL TALK.

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urlocalkpoptrash · 5 years

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Misguided Ghosts| Im Jaebeom

Jaebeom x Reader | Jackson x Reader.

Genre: Angst/Fluff.

Concept: After a terrible accident, Jae is left in a coma. Five months of hoping for the best, but expecting the worst, you get a mysterious guest.

Warning: Talk of grief, death, and car accidents.

A/N: WOW I AM SAD. I wrote this for @listlessmaenads birthday gift, and I’m sorry it’s late. This story kind of (really) fucked a bitch up. Jaebeom out here making me feel things, rude ass.

- - - - -

“How was work today, Y/N?” Jaebeoms nurse set down a tray of food for you.

In most cases it was the patients that were getting the food, but seeing as the patient had been in a coma for five months, you were the one who received the food. You had become accustomed to the taste of the Luke warm chicken nuggets and corn. It was almost comforting when you had a hard day at work.

“It’s been the same,” and by same, you meant the same sympathetic glances, the gentle pats on the shoulder. People acted like he had already died, that you should be mourning the loss of your fiancé. He was still alive, even if it was with the help of some machines.

“Just keep your head up,” she offered an encouraging flash of her teeth, “when people don’t understand what’s happening, they resort to being overly sympathetic. They think those little gestures will help.”

“I know their intentions are nothing but pure. It doesn’t make it any better, though.” The tip of your spoon scarped against the bottom of your jello container, the red dyed juice splashed over the rim when you dropped the empty plastic onto your table.

The conversation seemed to evaporate into the air as she moved around Jae’s bed. It was quite the elegant dance of checking his vitals, reading over the chart to make sure the day nurse hadn’t left any notes, and adjusting his bedding to make sure his body temperature didn’t drop for any reason.

“He’s all comfortable, and set up for the night. I’ll be back to check in a few hours. If you need anything —,” she stopped mid-sentence when you gave her a knowing smile. It was the same, well rehearsed, script that all nurses told you. Except she actually meant it, “Tell Jacks I said hi,” she teased, all to knowledgeable of the goings on in your life.

You watched as she shut the door behind her, leaving you in the room with Jae. You sat for moment, listening to the steady beat of his heart monitor, and the machine that helped him to breathe. You looked over his face, all the outward wounds had healed, if it wasn’t for his life support, he would have looked like he was just sleeping. Some days, you imagined that he was, you pretended that in a few hours he would wake up, like he had been napping. You knew better though, and make believing only made things worse when he didn’t actually wake up.

You wouldn’t allow yourself to dwell too much on it, or else you’d send yourself into a spiral, so instead you took the doctors suggestion. You reached into your bag, digging around to find the poetry book that sat at the bottom of your purse. “Where were we,” you said softly, flipping the pages till you found your bookmark - a picture of Jae smiling at you from across the table at your favorite restaurant.

You held the book in one hand, your thumb expanding over the middle of the spine, stopping the the pages from folding over on to one another. Your other hand was occupied by your chin resting against your palm, being propped up by the chair you were sitting in, “Okay,” you breathed, peeking over the edge of your book, secretly wishing that one time you did that, his eyes would be open.

“For Katrina’s Sun Dial, by Henry Van Dyke -

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is Eternity.” The words held no meaning pressed into the paper of your book, but as they hung in the air, you felt the weight of them all to heavy on your chest.

You shook you head, swallowing the lump that had started to build in your throat. It was a sob that you refused to let surface, it was the cry you reserved for the very worst possible outcome, a cry you never hoped to feel. You closed the book, you couldn’t read anymore, afraid that another poem would set you over the edge.

After shoving the book back into your blackhole of a bag, you pulled your legs on to the chair, curling into yourself, wishing you could fill the hole in your chest, the way you crammed your personal belongings into your purse. Your eyelids suddenly felt like they were being dragged down by anchors, and you gladly fell into the welcoming arms of sleep.

You weren’t sure how long you’d been asleep, but you knew it had been awhile, because you could no longer see the sun sinking below the mountains, but you could see the silver sliver of moonlight reflecting off of Jae’s heart monitor. Your eyes surveyed the room, catch a glimpse of Jackson sitting in the corner, the light from his phone illuminating the tip of his nose, and whites of his eyes.

“How long have you been here?” The hoarse sound of your voice shocked you, but even more so it scared the living daylights out of Jackson. His hands fumbling with his phone, almost dropping it on the floor, but he was quick to snap his thighs shut, catching his phone in the crack of his legs.

“Couldn’t you have made a stretching noise like a normal person, letting me know you had woken up,” the breathiness in his voice made you release a sleepy laugh.

“Sorry, next time I’ll make sure to make some noise when I wake up,” he looked over at you with a thankful smile, “Wuss,” you tried to whisper under your breath.

“Hey! I heard that,” he reached back, grabbing the pillow he was using behind his back, chucking it across the room to hit you square in the chest.

“I didn’t say anything,” you tried to lie, but Jackson heard you, and knew you far too well to be able to lie to him.

He snorted, setting his phone on the windowsill. You watched as he pushed himself off the chair, making his way over to you. You knew what he wanted, and to be honest, you needed it.

“Come on, up,” he hooked his hand around your elbow, pulling you up - your bones popping in protest of the new movement.

Once you were standing, not very sturdy, but standing nonetheless, he wrapped you in his arms. His chin rested on the top of your head, and your nose pressing into his chest, taking a deep breath. He did this every time he saw you, at first it drove you crazy, but now it was something you looked forward to.

“Anything new?” He mumbled, moving his chin so he could bury his face in your hair, taking a deep breath. To him, you were the literal meaning of ‘a breath of fresh air.’

“No, nothing…” the same answer for the last five months, and you feared it would always be the only answer.

Since you were so close to his chest, you could hear the faint beating for his heart, and when you responded, his heart rate slowed. His grip on you only tightening, as if he was trying to protect you from the pain.

“You should go home for a little bit. I’ve only been here for about an hour. I’ll be here the rest of the night. If anything happens, you know I’ll call you,” pressing a kiss on to the crown of your head.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to just leave you here alone,” you brought your face up, looking at him.

“I’m not alone. I have lots to tell JB about,” and he was being honest. You had walked into the room many times, to find Jackson at Jae’s bed, one hand on Jae’s arm, talking about his day. You’d even caught him talking about a girl - Jackson always used to tell jae about his girl problems. It turns out he still did.

“I’ll have my phone on loud, don’t hesitate to call me at any time,” you reluctantly pulled away, and he reluctantly lets you go.

You gathered your belongings, Jackson standing at the door with your jacket, “Don’t forget this… again,” he teased, helping you slip it on arm by arm.

“Thank you jacks, for everything.” You pressed a quick kiss on his cheek, walking out of the room.

Jae’s nurse waved at you from the nurses station, giving you a sweet smile. As you entered the elevator, you waved back. You looked up to the red numbers above your head, watching them get lower until you reached the ground floor. You had questioned whether or not you were ready to drive again, but Uber’s would take too long to get to you and then to the hospital if anything were to happen, so you were forced to drive again.

You were lucky, the roads were basically a ghost town. The normal thirty minute drive it took you to get home, was only a cool twenty tonight. When you opened the door, Nora was already at your feet, weaving in and out of your legs, meowing loudly for some attention. You bent down, “Well hello,” you cooed, and she purred in response, pushing her nose against your face.

You always made sure she had plenty of food and water every morning before you left, and your sweet fifteen year old neighbor would come over to give her some much needed attention. You rounded the living room, walking over to the answering machine. You had two new messages, they were both from medical bill collectors, you didn’t pay much attention to them, letting them play out till they were done.

“What should I eat Nora?” You glanced at her, and she nudged your cheek with one of her paws, “Hmm, I don’t know if I want that,” you answered her as if she had responded to you.

Your feet carried you to the kitchen, the second message on the machine was playing in the background as you pulled open the fridge. You’re not sure what you expected, you hadn’t done any grocery shopping in weeks - hell, months. You sighed looking at the carry out containers, and half drank bottled water.

“Looks like I’ll be having sleep for dinner again,” you set Nora down, letting the fridge door close on its own. You pressed the delete button as you walked by the answering machine again, not even bothering to look and make sure you didn’t have any other messages.

The house felt cold without Jae, and no matter how high you turned the heat up or how many blankets you flung around yourself, none of them could ever mimick the warmth that Jaebeom radiated. Maybe it was because it wasn’t his skin that was warm; it was his heart, it was his smile, or the way he laughed at the variety show he had watched a million times, it was in the way he whispered sweetly to Nora. His warmth came from his love.

You leaned against the wall, only inches away from your bedroom, but you weren’t ready to go In there yet. It wasn’t like you hadn’t been in there since he had been in the hospital, but it was just too much of him, without him actually being there. You sank to the floor, pulling your knees to your chest. You were fine all day, you were fine at the hospital, but when you were really and truly alone, you were anything but okay.

“I’m so sorry,” you whispered, brokenly. You couldn’t recognize your own voice, because you were just a fragment of yourself without him. “It should have been me,” the air was starting to feel thicker, harder to fill your lungs with. Your eyes were burning, the tears that spilled over onto your cheek gave you no warning, neither did the choked gasp for air that passed through your lips.

You hid your face in the space of your knees, crying freely, letting the hole in your heart spread throughout your body, swallowing you into an ocean of despair. Your cries coming in waves, pulling you deeper into the current, making it near impossible to find the surface, and you were fine to just sink and never come up for air again. You didn’t want to be in a world where he didn’t exist.

After what seemed like an eternity, your tears started to dry up for the night, you began to believe there wasn’t enough water in your body to support the amount of crying you had done in the last five months. You knew if jae would have seen you this torn up over him, he’d start to hate himself, and for once you thanked god that he wasn’t around to see you like this.

You were barely able to push yourself back up from the floor, little black spots started to plague your vision, which meant you really needed some sleep. Your limbs dragged from the spot you were in, all the way to your bedroom. You didn’t bother to change, or shower. You were exhausted, and the sweet call of sleep was singing your name. You let yourself collapse on the bed, your feet hanging off the edge, but the moment your face met the pillow, you were out.

Another dreamless night - you had stopped dreaming of the accident a couple weeks ago, which gave the opportunity to sleep, and actually find some peace in the darkness behind your eyelids.

You were awake, but you weren’t all that excited to open your eyes and face another day. So you just stayed there, listening to the constant hum of the ceiling fan above, or the water moving through the pipes of your house.

“I know you’re awake, baby.” You froze, every muscle in your body tensing, and your blood running cold. There was someone else in your bed with you, but you swore you would have felt the bed dip. You always did, any time Jae moved, you felt it. There was no way in hell that you would have missed your bed moving.

You thought that maybe if you sat still, and kept pretending to sleep, that it would go away. Possibly you were just having sleep paralysis, it had been years since you had an episode, but it could have been the stress of everything building up.

There was silence again, not even the sound of someone breathing. You tried your hardest to crack you eyelid open in a way that didn’t give away that you were looking around. It was difficult to see, but what you could make out was just your empty room. You took a deep breath, allowing your eyes to finally break open.

Nothing. No one. All alone. You rolled over to your back, you were set on staring at the ceiling for another hour before you were to get up, but out of the corner of your eye you saw a figure laying beside you. You practically flung yourself to the floor with a loud scream. You were ready to run out of your house as fast as possible, escaping whoever this intruder was.

“Oh my god!” The voice called out, before you could see their feet from under the bed. You were frantic, looking for something to protect yourself with.

The foot steps got louder and closer, you were out of idea’s, and without a weapon, so you did what any normal person would do. You curled up in a ball, shielding your face with your hand.

“Take anything you want, just please, don’t hurt me,” your body was trembling with fear, fully expecting your last minutes to be you in the fetal position.

“Hurt you? Y/N…” the voice was smooth, calming. If this was a murderer, they were by far the most comforting murderer out there, “Wait… you can see me? Can you hear me? Y/N, baby, look at me.”

Baby.

You recognized the inflection of the voice, and the way the first B was harsher than the second. You gradually spread your index and middle finger apart. There he was, the tall figure who was standing beside you, kneeled down.

“C-can you see me?” Jaebeoms words stuttered over his tongue.

“Jae?” Your body started to relax. Your knees pulling away from your chest, and your legs extending towards the wall opposite of your head.

“Holy fuck,” he whispered, falling on his butt across from you, “I don’t understand,” he was talking to himself.

You still couldn’t believe what you were seeing. You had to be dreaming, there was no way in hell that he was in here with you, that he was talking to you. You rubbed your eyes, taking a deep breath before opening them again. You fully expected him to be gone, but he was still there, lost in his own thoughts.

“If you’re here… does that mean you’re dead?” The realization started to flood your system with panic. Your cheeks began to heat up, and your eyes burning with the familiar sting of tears.

Your words brought him back to the moment, and he quickly shook his head, “no, baby. I’m not dead. Im just, I don’t know, I’m stuck between here and there.”

“There?” The tears you tried to stop had already started, and now there was no way for you to stop them, they had a mind of their own.

He reached out to touch you, to cup your cheeks and take away the tears, but all you felt was a very minuscule tingle on your cheek, that was gone as fast as it was there. A strangled gasp leaving his mouth agape.

“You can hear me, see me, but we can’t touch,” he looked down at his hand as if it had betrayed him.

You still sat on the floor, wordlessly staring at this version of Jae. You must be going crazy, there was no other explanation. Although you could see the way his lashes brushed over his cheek, or the way his cheeks made his eyes disappear when his nose scrunched. He must have felt you staring at him, because he looked up from his hands.

“Hi…” his voice almost inaudible, and in that moment your felt warm. The constant chill of being alone had diminished, and you figured out that he was really there, he brought the sun back into your dark world.

“Hey,” he watched as you scooted closer to him, the small affectionate action was enough to make him smile.

“I’m sorry I scared you,” His shoulders bounced slightly when he laughed. The sound almost brought you back to tears.

“It’s okay. I just wasn’t expecting you to be there.”

“In all honestly, I wasn’t expecting you to see me. I’ve been here since the third week of being in a coma.”

“So… you’ve just been watching me?” And all at once, you remembered all the times you had broken down, how many times you cursed gods name - because you had to blame someone for this, Jae didn’t deserve this.

As if he was reading your mind, he turned his head to watch you go through all the sleepless nights, the tears, the fits of anger, “I-I felt so useless. I had to sit here, watching you suffer. The nights you would call out my name, as if you were asking me to come home,” his voice broke off, the quietest of crippled gasps left his chest.

You hadn’t even recognized that tears had started to wash over your cheeks, till one lonely drop stopped at your top lip. While you were stuck in that hospital room, watching him, he was stuck in limbo watching you hurt.

“It’s not your fault, you know that. None of this is your fault.” You gestured between the two of you.

“It’s no ones fault,” a lie. It was your fault, and you knew that.

You sat silently, staring at him. What a beautiful man he was. It was never lost on you, just how lucky you were to have him, but since the accident, you’d really realized how much you needed him in your life. You could remember the life you had before him, and it was a life that you never wanted to have to live again.

“Let’s go somewhere,” he piped up, reeling you back into reality, and out of your own thoughts.

“Go somewhere?” The back of your hand dragged across your cheek, wiping away the stray tears.

“Yeah. There’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to take you, but never have. When’s a better time than now?”

“Oh, I don’t know, when you’re not just an apparition of yourself. I think that would probably be peak time to go.”

He snorted loudly, shaking his head. “Only you would complain about the way I spent time with you,” he teased.

“Uh, no. I think most people would find it ridiculous to go somewhere with their fiancés restless soul,” a laugh bubbled from your chest.

“Soul schmoul,” he flicked his hand, dismissing your very logical response.

That’s how you ended up in the car with Jae in your passenger seat, singing along to the radio, while his body was motionless in a hospital bed. Every so often you would have to remind yourself that it wasn’t really him, it wasn’t someone you could hug or kiss.

“Are you paying attention? I don’t want to get lost,” you pout, turning down the radio.

“I know exactly where we are, just keep driving,” and so you did, you just kept driving - silently watching him from the corner of your eye.

You could see his fingers twitch on his thigh, pulling into a fist and extending to smooth out his pants. He was itching for something, like an addict on the search for his next high. It wasn’t until he placed his arm in between the two seats, that you realized what he wanted to do. He wanted to reach out and touch your leg, to feel your skin under his finger tips. He couldn’t though, he couldn’t because he wasn’t really there. It was just another harsh reminder of the reality of the situation.

You’d be lying if you said that it didn’t hurt you. No, it didn’t hurt you, it killed you. Having the man you loved with all your heart, sitting in the passenger seat, and not being able to touch him.

“Your next right,” He jeered his head towards the window, indicating where he wanted you to go.

The trees were heavy, the tops of the branches on each side of the path, reached out touching one another. A sick joke from a god that couldn’t be real. You could catch glimpses of the sky between the crowded greenery. It was less than mile before you hit an opening in the woods.

“Stop. Right here,” he leaned forward, placing his hands on the dashboard.

The car came to a slow stop, the dirt beneath your tires crunched, and your breaks gave out the softest of cries.

“What is this place?” You asked, as you stepped out of the car, using your hip to shut the door.

“It was where I was going to suggest we got married,” you didn’t know, or hear how he got out of the car, you just felt him behind you, “Walk closer to the edge,” he had leaned forward, whispering in your ear.

It was always so stranger to feel chills run down your spine, while a warm breeze wafted over your body, hiding your face behind the tufts of hair that moved in the wind. Your feet carried you closer to the edge of the cliff. The walk way just cut off, and below you was a quiet and still creek, the sun cascading over the land like a blanket.

“Y/N,” he came up beside you, “I brought you up here, because it’s one of my favorite places in this world, a close second to your arms. You’re the only other person I’ve brought here.” His feet shuffled as he sat down, legs dangling over the edge from the knee down.

“You’re my person. I showed you the version of me that wasn’t always happy, I showed you the version of me that no one else gets to see. I showed you the bones in my closet, and instead of running, you grabbed the shovel. You’ve loved me through the days I couldn’t get out of bed, you loved me through the nights that I felt like I had hands around my neck - you filled my lungs with air, you helped me breathe. I will never be able to explain exactly what you’ve done for me, and I’m afraid I’ve run out of time. This was the only time I could say this.”

Wordlessly, you sat beside him. You didn’t know what else you could do, you didn’t know how you could make this better for him. You had so many words, and thoughts in your head, swimming around around your mouth. Your tongue pressing against the back of your teeth, as if they were some form of confinement.

“But I am not your person. I will be gone far sooner than you. You’ll be left without me… I can’t even imagine a world without you, so the thought of leaving you here without me, is torture. But, you will need to move on one day. You’ll fall in love again. Fuck, you might already be falling in love with someone else, and I’m okay with that. I want you to be happy, because you deserve it.” You could hear his voice crumbling. He sounded exactly the way you felt; defeated, broken, and accepting.

“I’m not in love with anyone but you, Jaebeom. There is no one else. There will never be anyone else.” How could he even think this? Even worse, how could he believe it so much so that he was saying it out loud.

“You don’t see it now. I understand why, but you know there is someone else. He’s always loved you, maybe just as much as me. He’s watched you fall apart, all that was left of you was jagged pieces, and he still held you. He took your broken pieces, and held them in his hand - even though they pushed into his skin. He put you together with bandages on his hands.”

Jackson. He was talking about Jackson. Of course, it’s was Jacks. How could you be so oblivious to it? Were you that obtuse to the world around you.

“He talks about you a lot. I can hear him. He tells me all the things about you that he thinks I miss, or things he think I should know. He sees you the same way I do, and that’s how I know he’ll always take care of you. He’ll protect you and keep you safe, even if you never accept him the way you accepted me.”

It was crazy to think, because you know that Jacks never expected anything from you. The thought of asking you to more than friends, never even crossed his mind, because you weren’t his. He’d rather be insufferably in love with you, and deal with it, than not have you in his life.

Hour and hours passed by, you two sat on the ledge, watching the sunset together. Having him sitting there was like having all your memories playing on a constant loop. His smiles reminded you of all the mornings you woke before him to wake him with kisses all over his face. The way the lowering sun caught the tip of his nose reminded you of all the times you would put whipped cream, or frosting on his nose. He could never stay out the kitchen when you baked. His laughter reminded you of the days in the park, dancing to the music of random street musicians. Occasionally, he’d walk over to them and sit beside them, singing along. He looked so in his element. His raw vocals and an acoustic guitar.

“It’s time to go,” he looked up at you, his eyes focusing on your face for some time. He must have been living in the memories of your smile.

“Are you sure?” You knew he wasn’t talking about leaving this place, he meant it was time for him to leave. He was ready to be set free.

“I am.. but can we stop one more place?”

“Of course, Jaebeommie.”

The familiar nickname made his heart squeeze. You called him that often, and now he was regretting all the times he never appreciated it. When he would ignore you when he was in the studio. All the stupid hours of working in songs, when you were in the living room reading, or playing with Nora. All the time he wasted.

The car ride towards the spot of the accident was silent. You tried to stomp your foot, throw a fit. You didn’t want to go there. You only had fleeting minutes with him, and he wanted to take you to the place that was ultimately his demise.

The street lights would move from his knees, over his face as you drove. You could see his chest rise and fall, like there was a heart inside of him. It made him seem so much more realistic. Having you forgetting that he wasn’t actually in the seat next to you.

The closer you got to your destination, the harder you gripped your steering wheel. You were glad that it wasn’t your heart hooked up to a monitor because it felt like it was about to leap out of your chest, and land in his lap.

Your headlight stopped at the tunnel. There was still a large scrap along the concrete from where your car had flipped and slid across the road.

“Why… why couldn’t you have just put on your seatbelt, Jae?” You whispered, head hanging between the arms.

“I asked myself that every time I’ve seen your cry,” he gulped, resting his head against his seat.

You tried to stop them, but your tears had more control over you, than you did of them, “But that wouldn’t have mattered if I would have been paying attention. You’d still be here, and I mean actually here.”

If you closed your eyes tight enough, you could still see the glass of your front windshield shatter, and you hear the sound of your car sliding. God, it was such a terrible sound. Just remembering it made you want you throw up.

“Baby. I need you to open your eyes and look at me,” he shifted in his seat to face you.

Hesitantly you did as he requested. You could taste the tears dripping off your lip and into your mouth. This was really it, and this was the place that took everything from you. There was nothing he could do or say to make you feel any better about it.

“This isn’t your fault,” he began, and you immediately grabbed your car door, pulling it open. You weren’t going to stick around to hear him try and justify what happened.

“You can’t run from me,” he was standing in front of you, before you could even blink your eyes.

“Not fair, you cant use your ghost powers to cut me off,” You sulked.

“I think I just did,” he did what he had set out to do, he stopped you in your tracks, “Look down.”

Without question you did so, and by your foot was a dirty, but still very shiny locket. You had lost your necklace that night, whether it was when the paramedics had to cut your clothes off, or in the middle of the crash. You knelt down, hooking your finger in the chain, letting it hang off down. He had gotten that for you on your second anniversary.

“This isn’t your fault. This was no ones fault. It was an accident, and that’s all. no one could have foreseen the events of that night. You need to stop blaming yourself, because it’ll take you to your grave if you don’t.”

“Is that a promise?”

“Y/N,” he hissed between clenched teeth, “Don’t fucking say that.”

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it, I’m just… I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.” The admittance that he was leaving soon, was almost too much to bare.

“You’ll never be without me, baby.” His hand moved across the necklace, letting it swing back and forth, “I’m always going to be right next to your heart.”

“Don’t… Don’t go, please don’t go.” You were thankful that you were already kneeling down, or falling to your knees like you just did would have hurt a lot more.

“I have to. I don’t need to be here anymore. Letting you go was my unfinished business.”

He was now on his knees, face only mere inches away from yours.

“But I’ll never be able to let you go… What about me? Don’t I get a say in this?”

“I love you so much, Y/N. You will always be the love of my life,” you could already feel the warmth that he carried with him, started to slip away.

No, no, no. Here it was, the end of it all. The end of all the ‘I love you’s.’ There would be no more early morning drives to get coffee, there would be no more moon lit dances on your roof, there would be no more him, there would be no more you.

He leaned in, pressing his lips to your forehead. You only knew he did that, because you felt the softest of tingles. He lingered there for a moment, reliving his life in seconds that felt like hours.

Finally he was gone. You couldn’t feel him anymore. All that was left was the necklace in your hand, and the air taken out of your lungs. Your body trembled, as if it was riding itself of the dead weight. A flame flashed over your skin, as if it burned off any remaining pieces of him, turning all his touches to dust.

Your cell phone continued to buzz in your cup holder, Jackson’s name popping up over and over. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. A scream of pure pain filled the night time air. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Begs and pleads to the man you cursed to angrily. Buzz. Bu— Silence.

Two Years Later

You rolled away from Jackson’s grasp to curl into your pillow, eyes heavy with sleep. You loved cuddling with Jacks, but man, that boy could really start to feel like a furnace. Every night you did this, roll away, and yet still manage to wake up with your body tangled with his. He was a magnet.

Jackson must have believed you were asleep, because most nights when you left his side, you were asleep. Not this time though, you were on the brink of sleep and being wide awake.

“Hyung?” Jackson voice was hushed. You could hear the pillow crinkle under his head as he turned to glance over his shoulder, making sure you were still ‘asleep.’

“It’s been a while since I’ve talked to you… and I’m sorry for that. Life has just been so hectic. I just wanted to say I miss you, and I know that y/n misses you too. She still says your name in her sleep, not as much anymore, but on bad days, she’ll call out for you. There’s not much I can do except to hold her.”

You had to use every fiber in your being not to turn around and wrap yourself around Jackson. You wanted to tell him that just because you still called out for Jae some times, didn’t mean that you didn’t love him. It broke your heart thinking that you still said Jae’s names in front of him.

“I don’t mind it though. I know she still loves you, and I would never ever think of taking that away from her. You were everything to her, you still are. I know she loves me too, she shows it all the time, but I’m afraid that I’m not enough for her sometimes. You know? She’s just so incredible. She is kind to everyone on the street, the smiles at little kids, and my parents love her. She’s extraordinary, and I feel way out of her league… but she still loves me. How lucky are we to be loved by someone like that?”

Lucky? You were the lucky one. Most people don’t even have one great love in their life, but you’ve had two - Jaebeom and now Jackson. You’ve been loved unconditionally, and without fear by two men, who could have the world, but decided to make you their world.

“I know you still love her too, and I hope that I can let that live through me, so she never forgets that we love her. I won’t let you down, Jae. I promise.”

A promise he did keep

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ht4156 · 7 years

Text

My Short Story (phanfic)

In early winter of 2016, my creative writing teacher assigned a short story essay. Me, being the terrible person i am, wrote a phanfic. Enjoy girly, pastel Dan, and slight mention of punk, Phil. cringe.

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This is how it ends, or is it? I’m dangling from the edge of a cliff, stuck in the middle of nowhere, waiting for my knight in shining armor to rescue me. But it’s of no use, for the ledge I hang from is what’s left of my sanity, and my knight? A fictional character that I spend my everyday, wishing was real.

My Chemical Romance always seems to fill my head with deep, dramatic thoughts. I switch the album playing through my headphones and continue to wait in solitude.

I stand at my bus stop, frozen in the thirty degrees weather, looking for the bus that supposedly arrives at 6:50 each morning.

The clock on my phone reads 6:55, the bus now running late once again.

My ride eventually arrives, pulling up to the stop at record speeds, something the driver could get fired for if he continued with this behavior. I wave to Mr. R, the driver, before making my way down the aisle to my usual seat in the back.

Compared to the outside weather, the bus felt like an oven , and sliding off my backpack and sitting down helped to remove most of the weight off shoulders. I avoided resting my head on the icy window, fearing the cold shock I would receive. Ice and snow boarders every window and doorway on the bus, pretty, but freezing beyond belief.

I pull out my phone and search for a distraction as other students of my class board the bus, laughing as loud as a wolf pack howls, a great way to describe the clan of nine or so seniors. I ducked my head in hopes they would leave me alone today.

“Would you look at that! Our friend Daniel is here! How ya doing Dan?”

I pulled at the sleeves of my light purple sweater, a nervous habit of mine, as they claimed the seats surrounding me.

Alex, the leader of their pack, pulled at my hair with a strong grip as one of his goons pushed my bag on to the cool floor of the vehicle. I heard my phone crack as slid of the seat and next to my bag.

“Hey! You kids leave him alone before I kick you off this bus and make you walk to school!” Thank god for the bus driver.

Alex and his gang laughed as they moved up towards the front of the bus. Sure enough, my phone had a thin, hair like cracks stretching across three of its corners.

It was 7:30 by the time the bus reached the school, giving me twenty minutes to prepare for my long day of classes. Throwing my bag over my shoulders, I followed the other students towards the building, keeping a good distance from the wolf pack. I kept my eyes on my shoes as I made my way to my locker. Right foot, left foot, right, left, right, left, a continuous pattern until I reach my locker.

After shoving my fluffy winter coat into the small cubby of a locker, a task that takes more time than it should, I made my way down the hall to my first hour. Maybe the teacher would let me in early, that way I could avoid Alex. My hair was out of place and my head still had a sharp pain from his forceful tugs earlier.

I never understood why what I choose to wear makes me such an easy target of bullying. No one wanted to help either, everyone seems to think if I wore normal, boy clothes I would be left alone. But why do I have to change in order to be treated right? My light sweaters and colored jeans shouldn’t determine the way people act towards me.

I reach my first hour rather quickly, the door open, allowing me to enter the class early like I had hoped. I turned in my homework from the week before and made my way to my seat in the front of the class. My teacher waved to me, a smile on her face as she returned back to her work.

I put my phone away despite still having fifteen minutes to wait. The other students waited for the first bell in the main lobby of the school, gossiping and chatting with one another. Maybe if I had a couple of friends I'd be out there too, but I find it hard to talk to people when they purposely avoid me in the halls. Alex and his gain and a strong voice in this school, whatever they say goes, so if they were to tell people that I was a stuck up, teacher's pet, it wasn't hard to get the whole school to avoid me.

I pull a book from my bag and start to read, hoping to pass the time faster. For the next couple minutes I fight to find the page in which I had last left off, eventually finding it and attempting to read. The bell eventually rings and I put it away, but my thoughts distracted me, only allowing me to read about five pages or so.

“Today we’re going to be picking back up on “To kill a Mockingbird” by Harper Lee. If you could please open your books to where we left off on friday,” the teacher spoke.

The class room filled with rustling sounds from students digging through their bags in attempt to retrieve the books. After about two minutes of zipping, folders and binders scratching against the fabric of backpacks, and the occasional grunt of frustration, the class finally was able to get themselves together. My book already sat open to its correct page, bookmark placed carefully on the side of my desk and a piece of lined paper for notes and a yellow pencil placed next to its left side. The girl who sits next to me took once glance at my organizing skills and scuffed, rolling her eyes.

The rest of the class was spent reading and taking notes, no assignment was given for homework. The bell rang, alerting people that is was now time to flood the halls and attempt to make it to your next hour on time.

I was almost to my second hour when they found me. They being the aggressive wolf clan. A loud smack! Filled the hallway as my body was shoved into the blue lockers that lined the halls. The sound of laughter filled the almost barren hall, followed by another loud smack! as this time I was shoved to the ground, my backpack and its contents falling from my back to the floor in front of me. A few kicks were delivered to my side before they moved along to class.

My jaw ached from its harsh collision with the floor. I decided a quick visit to the nurse wouldn't hurt, seeing as I was already late to class.

“Daniel! Let me guess? The floor wanted to high five your face again?”

I chuckled along with the nurse, she didn't need to know the real reason, so I went with my usual excuse of being clumsy and tripping over my feet.

“You know me Ms. Johnson, my feet just seem to do whatever they want,” I flashed a fake smile in hopes she would buy my poor excuse. It seemed to work as she just laughed it off and grabbed me an ice pack.

“This should help that jaw Daniel, but I’d like you to sit here for a minute and ice it while I fill out an injury report form,” I nodded a response and eventually I was released with a pass to my third hour.

This had become almost a daily ritual for me, making it through as many classes as possible before Alex found me and delivered his daily punch, then heading to the nurse's office, if it was bad enough, and working my ‘I'm just clumsy’ excuse.

This had been my system since the start of last year, when bullying first started to become physical. But it wasn't as bad as it is now. The attacks starting with a light shove to now, at times, full blown punches and being thrown to the floor.

I longed for the day in which they would leave me alone, a day where I wouldn't have to worry about new bruises and how I would hide them from my mother. A day where what I wear does not affect the way people treat me.

I was growing tired, exhausted even, of the constant verbal and physical attacks. I was done, maybe I could run away, get a job and live on my own. Maybe I could just stop trying, live my life on the internet give up on school work. At this point anything will do. No one is holding me back, everyone could care less.

I’m just a background character, no real purpose.

I’m invisible to almost every one.

Why try?

Hours turn into days, days to weeks, a couple holidays pass, school breaks and snow days until it was the last day of january.

January 30,

I managed to work through the bullying and ignore it as much as possible. My grades stayed perfect and my friend count remained at zero. Alex’s attacks were getting worse, more damage was done and bruises were darker. He was growing angry at my attempt to ignore him.

I made my way down the hall to my last class of the day, feeling proud for avoiding the wolf pack all week, so far.

The hallway was completely empty, students in classes and doors shut. I got held up in art and was running a bit late, but I had a pass, so I wasn't all that worried. Only twenty feet separated me from my next class, but something made me pause, footsteps. Tap Tap Tap they grew louder. The owner of the steps was approaching quickly. A quiet, yet creepy laughter swam through my ears.

“Well look who it is, you’ve been ignoring me Daniel. It’s hard to put you in your place if you won't listen. Maybe I just need to try a more painful approach,” he had a menacing smirk drawn across his face and his whole demeanor sent chills down my spine.

“Please, can’t you just leave me alone?”

He laughed, “But Daniel, if I don't put you in your place, who will?”

The first punch hit me with enough force that I fell backwards, I stumbled, but I was able to regain my footing. He followed with many more hits and kicks until I was on the ground, holding back tears.

“P-please…”

I begged for him to let me go. I was on the bridge of falling unconscious when a voice sounded through the hall,

“Hey you! Get off of him!” the voice demanded.

“Come on kid, move along to class,” Alex replied sending another kick into my side.

“I said, get off of him!” I heard a smack.and it took me a minute to realize that this, kid or whoever he was, had punched Alex. Alex retreated, staring in disbelief before running down the hall, scared for his life, it was the first time someone had stood up to him.

“Are you alright?” The voice asked.

I groaned, “Yeah, should be…”

I attempted to stand, failing miserably and deciding to just sit against the lockers. I imagine I looked like an old doll, thrown into a slump against the wall.

“Thank you,” a pause, “you're the first person to ever stand up to him, you know?”

I saw him smile, “No problem, I couldn't just stand by and let him do that to you.”

We sat in silence for a moment, I studied him, I hadn't seen him before. Why would this completely new person, who has no idea who I am, just decide to defend me.

“Im Daniel, but you can call me Dan.”

“Nice to meet you Dan, I'm Phillip, but you can call me Phil.”

I smiled and shook his hand.

“How long has this been going on for?”

“A while. You must be new, that would explain why you’re talking to me.”

He looked puzzled, joining me on the floor he responded with, “How so?”

I laughed, “Many reasons, lots of people don’t like me Phil, for what I wear, how I act.”

“Well, I think you look and act just fine. Well from what I know so far.”

“Thanks Phil,”

“No problem Dan. Oh my god! You’re bleeding, here, let me help you to the nurse.”

Over the next few weeks me and Phil grew closer, over coffee ‘dates’ and many rounds of the game 20 questions. Alex started to leave me alone and so did his goons, and this I owed to Phil. I also had found out that Phil shared some classes with me, which allowed us to see each other more often, and classes seemed less boring.

Other students started to talk to me as well, and our group of two had soon expanded to five. Weeks turned into months and soon it was the end of the year, graduation time for the seniors and great satisfaction knowing that Alex was gone for good.

“So what are your plans for summer?” The warm air hugged me, comforting me, and giving me a sense of protection. We sat on a tall hill in the park, the sunsetting and painting the sky with oranges and pinks. Phil sat drinking his smoothie from the shop we had just been to.

“Nothing really,” I replied.

“Same here,” warm sun projected itself down on the hill, “you wanna do nothing together?”

I pretended to think for a moment, “ I don’t know, I was looking forward to being bored out of my mind,”

He laughed and playfully punched my shoulder, “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Silence filled the air as we watched the last rays of sun disappear behind the surrounding trees.

“Thank you Phil.”

He smiled, “For what?” I rested my head on his shoulder, a friendly gesture of kindness and thanks.

“Just, everything.”

The End

-Copied from my google drive account

#phan #lovestory #oneshot #dan howell #phil lester #amazingphil #danisnotonfire #phansmut #kill me

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