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meiko3323 · 3 days

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Father in her character demo be like:

ok im not by any means a lore theorizer, my brain is much too smooth for that, but every now and then, like a bouncing DVD logo touching a corner, i have a coherent thought. and Arlecchinos demo sparked some which id like to put forth. making it as a text post cuz archons know, i get real wordsy ^^'

spoilers obv if youre not far enough in story.

🔥

now. upon several rewatches of the original and reactions, the first non-Arle voiceline jumped out at me:

"A spark cannot shatter all shadows until it sets all ablaze or else to the other end of light lie still bleak shades"

this made me think back to was it Childes or Wanderers voiceline? where they say that given the chance, the Knave would betray the Harbingers if it suited her. so what if, hear me out, in her quest of retribution she seeks to somehow go against the Fatui/ Harbingers/ Tsaritsa? retribution that is, for the myriad suffering theyve caused to innocent ppl around teyvat. idk abt full on taking them down, as the top 3 harbs are said to have power that rivals archons, but mb put a sizeable dent in their forces, or otherwise impede their plans. she also heavily implied a wish to collaborate w us, the Traveller, in the future at several occasions during the Fontaine AQ. mb she wants to enlist our help in her goal. circling back to that line, i think the spark is obv Father, and the shadows she wishes to shatter i strongly believe are the Fatui/ Harbingers. and unlike me, the line after is confidently saying "set ALL ablaze" = complete eradication of that organization.

my next thought was actually aided by a yt comment under one of the recent vids w her (idr if teaser, demo, or short, likely short) that said sth along the lines of "shes not a wolf in sheeps clothing, shes a sheep in wolfs clothing, forced to blend in w the wolves that took her in". this comment popped into my mind as i watched the scene where she is walking in mb some type of dream or mind world, w numerous children running around, playing and singing. and she has such a soft look on her face as she gazes at them. but then she collects herself w her signature 🤫 to flip the switch to ig we can call it her wolf side, and the scene changes to her against the red eclipse moon thing (crimson moon?). where was i going w this?.. i think the fact that her "natural" or innermost state is her sheep side where she just wishes to run the orphanage in peace and be a good mother Father to the children and she has to actively suppress that and channel her wolf side in order to carry out her version of justice, and ofc keep blending in w her adoptive wolves (harbingers) until the time is right.

finally, her last voiceline of the demo struck me as very crucial:

"I hear that the children love to play by the fireplace, so let us continue to use the name, "House of the Hearth". Still... its flame is no longer needed for you have the strength to defend yourselves"

from what i can unpack, this is obv talking abt her leaving her position as orphanage director and passing that torch (heh) to Lyney. which btw goes in line w a theory proposed by ABD Illustrates on yt regarding pyro characters (and jumping off to predict plot of Natlan). ill link it btw, go give it a watch, its very insightful:

youtube

anyway. she wants the orphanage to keep its name after her retirement. she feels that the children no longer need her (its flame) as under Lyneys leadership they can fend for themselves. a sad look comes across her face as she says this. i believe shes not as unfeeling/ uncaring and is more attached to the children than she dares to admit, and is pained to leave them behind in pursuit of her greater goals.

oh and going back to the 4.6 patch trailer, the boss battle bw her and her main trio of children - despite her thinking Lyney is fit to take over, she wants to give him one final test ig to reaffirm her decision, and to give him the confidence boost to take up that post. cuz he is very unsure of himself, and is always anxious of disappointing Father and not living up to w/e expectations he believes she has for him.

omg that was a lot. this was prob a solid hour of pure stream of consciousness. hopefully theres some coherent nuggets in there. most of it isnt horribly deep, honestly prob surface level stuff that might be painfully obv to others. but i wanted to write it out nonetheless

i invite anyone that bothered to read these long-winded ramblings to respectfully share their thoughts/ theories in the comments and/ or reblogs. was there anything i missed or forgor?

thank you for your time ^^

ps: the trailer was phenomenal btw OMG - the cinematography, the music?! i cant wait for tnbee to make an epic remix of it. and ofc for real lore theorists to dig in and drop their videos on it o3o

#my art #genshin impact #arlecchino #arlequeeno #my queen #theory #lore theory #analysis #well a half-baked one #i should have used miss not ms.#ah well too late now #am smort #waiting for maint to be over #4.6 is within reach!#soon TM #Youtube

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sunnsfighter · 1 year

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Intro And Info!

So yeah , welcome to this page! Call me sunns.

Trying my hand at this now since it might be easier with a migration going on already.. idk?

Im actually a refugee of different site that shut down ages ago (like 3-4 years ago i think??)

Tried insta and its not what im looking for , so im trying here for real this time

(I used IG/twitter for art /feeds and entertainment since i dont use tiktok , and venting/keeping in contact with irls who have insta )

21, dont really care about pronouns (prefer just going by sunns or sunny)

Until requests are made for side blogs or it feels needed, thisll be a multifandom/general content account!

Before ya follow/interact:

Takes me a second to reply to dms !

(Mentally im a bit unstable and partially mute , diagnosed for some things but might have other things going on, please be a bit patient with me! If im too much lemme know)

For tws im doing common triggers only like bugs/gore body horror, auto marking it as sensitive/mature content and and straight up nsfw/lewdposting is going in a new blog if needed . For any uncommon triggers my ocs have or if theres content I do thats triggering and you follow, lemme know in dms and ill make a special oc/contact tag or phrase for you to filter out , and add it to my special tag list below

I do :

-oc art (for this account i wanna try writing and light doodles, whatevers in my head)

- have a fuck ton of AUs ive always wanted to do a tumblr for , but never gotten the chance to do.. ill test a few out see what sticks

- occasional screenshot edits !

Fandoms, new and old:

- Jojos bizarre adventure

-Monster high: (looking to see the new show and old stuff, skipping the irl movie)

-Card game animes (buddyfight vet, YGO Fan, cardfight vanguard enjoyer, still gotta get back into shadowverse/battle spirits again.. always down for more)

-pokemon (games or anime)

-digimon (anime , want to play the game)

- Carmen sandeigo (90s and Modern)

-Jem and the holograms (revival when??? Read both idw and watched 90s)

-Splatoon (been playing since 2)

Secondhand Fandom interests (i like owning ocs and/or seeing content from the fandom, even people post and talk about it and spoilers , but not exactly interested in the show itself or in the fandom )

-Cookie run

- Steven Universe (seen it all for the sake of knowing how it ends , old fav of mine but lost its shine when i got older, now i just like the ocs)

-BNHA : not interested in watching at all, just like the idea behind it

-osc/ object show ocs (ocs are a comfort of mine, i know little context )

- MLP: ponies fun, and so is edits

-miraculous ladybug : that whole love square thing is nuts and would drive me batty so i wouldnt loyally watch (In order or from the beginning) however i look into people talking bout spoilers cuz i saw some random late season eps and got kinda invested

-the simpsons : twitter algorythm got me into the content ngl

Favorite things:

-OOAK doll customs

-vtuber/mmd/3d models

-crafts and plushies !

-general doll collecting!

-pokemon cards!

Character/inspo list!!!

FCBF:

https://sunnsfighter.tumblr.com/post/701598567859666944/character-insposfaves

cardfight vanguard:

https://sunnsfighter.tumblr.com/post/701602059573706752/cardfight-vanguard-im-not-as-hype-for-it-as-bf

carmen sandeigo:

https://sunnsfighter.tumblr.com/post/702734768685596672/carmen-sandeigo-faves-shorter-post-ill-add

general aesthetics and other fandom faves:

https://sunnsfighter.tumblr.com/post/702741884320284672/other-character-faves-aesthetics-aesthetics

Special tags/phrases -

[Tag] Admin Sunndeigo- carmen sandeigo AUS by the admin

(Sub tags TBA, but ill have 90s or 19 before the AUs so youll know whats what)

[Tag] Sunns eclipse- vent tag , commonly paired with code CIL

[ phrase , could be a tag] Code CIL - usually accompanied by a vent post, a character i own with both gore and body horror

Buddyfight: Next Born Chaos [2nd gen buddyfight fanseason] - admins 2nd gen buddyfight fan season/story

The yota project [3rd gen BF ace story]

Admins fan story for buddyfight ace next gens

[Tag]Gemblooded (if tag is active, will add sunns presents to it) - my SU AU.

Next gemerations [tent title] my version of a SU gem world. The CGs do not exist as a team and hybrids are aplenty..

(I cant wait to revive those subrace concepts)

#pinned bios #introduction #newish #what will i show? maybe the stuff i was going to #looking to follow

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nervousdemeanor7 · 1 year

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is the voltron fandom still alive??? cause im still here apparently... just accidentally wrote a thing....

here it is ig...

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i wanna count the freckles on your face

Lance is suddenly grateful for the residual adrenaline that leads him to tack Keith to the floor in victory. Both of them hitting the ground with an “oof”, now making them work to catch up on their breath from the training and what Lance just knocked out of them.

As it led him here.

Like this, under the Altean fluorescent lights that fill the training room, chest to chest with Keith. Lance notices the light freckles covering Keith's nose and cheeks.

Something he never noticed before. Was never close enough to notice. Not knowing if he should curse himself for only noticing now or thank the gods that he got the chance to find something new about Keith.

Keith was looking off to the side, still trying to catch his breath from beating the last level of the new training system Pidge had been working on, and was currently making them test out.

"Get off me idiot" Keith mutters between heavy breaths.

There was no quick response or comment he could think of. Not wanting to put any thought into one if it would take away the second or two he has right now, focused on Keith’s side profile.

Lance would usually be reeling in the press of their body's, or the way Keith's hair is sticking to his forehead from sweat, or feeling Keith's quickened heartbeat and the rise and fall of his chest with each breath it's paired with. But his vision and mind are stuck on the light freckles that would usually blend in with his pale skin, only now highlighted by the slight blush caused by exertion.

Lance is still committing his new discovery to memory. Not being satisfied until he could map them out behind his eyelids. His gaze follows them as they disappear over to the other side of Keith’s nose. Lance has to put effort into resisting his urge to touch Keith’s face. To grab his chin and pull until they are face to face. Just so he would see where the rest of his freckles sit on the other side of his face and add those to the developing memory.

Lance doesn't notice Keith talking to him again until Keith's hand is on Lance's shoulder pushing him off, effectively rolling him over.

He mourns the freckles he didn't get to see, praying to whatever gods that he will get a glimpse of them again.

Now on his back staring at the ceiling watching Keith in his peripheral as he sits up, saying something about grabbing them more of that energizing juice Hunk has been trying to perfect.

He tilts his head to watch as Keith walks out the door as it opens for him. Looking back up when Keith is out of sight.

He makes no move to get up. Opting to close his eyes against the harsh lights, trying to picture that image of Keith that has just left him, that was just under him.

Lance wonders what those freckles would look like after some time under the desert sun once again. Showing up like constellations when the moon comes out. Wondering how they would contrast to his pale skin, creating their own constellations.

Suddenly the thought of learning more stars doesn't sound so bad.

---

i may post this on ao3 tomorrow so ill put a link to it here if i do.

#i didn't mean to write this #i was just trying to read fanfiction #and rewatch voltron #but then one of the fics gave keith freckles #and then this happened #voltron #vld #keith kogane #lance mcclain #voltron fic #nervousdemeanor7saysshit

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queenieloveswriting · 4 years

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Little orange bottles

A/N unedited little thing from a while ago, found loads of bits in my notes on my phone read this and though id post it let me know your thoughts ////hella old ngl sounds like shit srry ladsssss xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxTW--Abuse//Blood//Bad thoughs ig sorry not good w warnings sorry if this triggers anhyone

*beep beep beep*

Your alarm rang through the room for what seemed to be the fifth time this morning.It was now 6:30am and school began in two hours unlike the majority of students in kildare county you enjoyed school and, your (only) friend pope definitely made it worthwile.You both loved school,people like his friends jj and John b didn’t like school.

Why are you awake at 6:30 again?....right!

You look over to yourself in your mirror and glance at your schedule sticky taped to the corner;

*DAISYS SCHEDULE*

6:30-wake up

6:45-shower

7:00-get ready

7:20-read

7:50-breakfast/pillz

8:00-head to Heywards

Obeying the list, you hopped into the shower and got yourself prepared for the day, brushing your teeth washing your face and applying a light amount of makeup. A tinted moisturiser, clear mascara and brow gel, In attempt to tame your wild hair you collected into a cute messy ponytail, breaking three hair bands in the possess. Putting your glasses on you choose your outfit, due to the heat you opted for something casual, a blue denim skirt with a black crop top and a oversized blue flannel top covering just to the bottom of you skirt

You went downstairs and packed some fruit into your bag. Opting to take your breakfast as today's lunch, knowing Mrs. Heyward would invite you in for ‘leftovers’ from their breakfast. Shouting goodbye to your mum who was no doubt still in bed exhausted from her night shift.

Running out the door grabbing your phone, headphones and favourite book ‘to kill a mockingbird’. I plugged in my headphones playing my ‘reading playlist’ and read as i walked up to heywards,occasionally looking up so I don’t walk into any unwanted attention. The third time checking your surroundings you realise you made it to popes in record time, because his mom came out ushering you and him in in for ‘leftovers’ .Pope rolled his eyes sending you a silent apology. You didn’t mind though she was more a mother to you than your actual blood.

“Hey nerd "pope greeted you pushing your glasses up your nose

“Hey geek” you replied, slapping his hands away, he pulled you into a quick hug and followed h8im and his mum into the kitchen.

“Whatcha reading this time?”he asked making you laugh slightly “Harper lee my friend” you replied holding up your book as he rolled his eyes “why am I not surprised ,you know the book doesn't change right every time you read it "he asked playfully “I know pope, but it’s a classic and i don’t have enough to get a new book until my shift next week so I’m not complaining “you sassed

“Yeah you're know that I’ve said you can borrow my books anytime “he asked

“Yeah but you won’t let me write notes in the margins pope! "you explained “because what about MY notes “he exclaimed and you both erupted into laughter.God,you're such geeks you mentally sighed.Mrs.Heyward scolded at us both for arguing and gave us some pancakes and fruit.

Mr.Heward barged through the doors shouting about some ‘arrogant snotty kook man’ and turned around shily when he heard you and pope laughing. "daisy hey sweetheart you need me to save you or you alright?” he asked, referring to his wife’s overwhelming mothering. You shook your head quietly declining his offer, smiling you replied “no sir it's fine, "you laughed "Heyward you need any help with deliveries?” you asked hopeful as you needed to buy some things for school. Being a pogue you tended to have to fend yourself, plus it gave you something to do. “Sure do doll, tomorrow morning,7 sharp you’n’my boy can help out and pope make sure you ask that Maybank if he's helping out too, need to know who goes so y'all come back alive”he joked”thank you sir”you shouted as he was halfway out the door.Turning back round to pope “maybank?” you asked, raising your eyebrow hinting you had absolutely no idea who he was talking about,”my friend jj you know the blonde who gets into all the fights i told you about”he answered and you nodded,still searching for an answer ”he's coming tomorrow?” you quizzed “yeah probably,plus i think it's about time you met my friends they all think i made you up”he laughed”c'mon we've gotta eat then go”

As if on queue Mrs Heyward shouted at you from across the hall telling you to eat before it got cold.After scoffing your breakfast down,it was time to leave.After regular smothering from your second mother you left.

“Sorry about them”he mumbled

“It’s fine it’s nice having the whole parents as parents thing you know”you said .Pope knew about your mom not being around or well really a mom.He said you could come round whenever assuring his parents you were just friends,they loved you.

He nodded”you know your welcome whenever”he said and you nodded again

“Yeah but anyways how you feeling today about mrs.spiky hairs test smartass”you joked “we gon ace it y'all ready know her tests are easy”he dragged

“True I’ve got all a’s every time”you smirked

“Yeah same but to be fair even my friend John b could pass them and he didn't know that there were two different there’s until junior year so....”

You laughed “wait I though that jj was the the dumb one”you asked “there both delinquents but gotta love em.I’m brains of the operation anyways it’s my thang ”he sang causing you to laugh at the way he pinched his shirt and pingged it brushing dirt of his shoulders “you should come to the party tonight and meet them if you want?”he asked and you shook your head “i dont know pope,party’s and me aren’t really a good thing you know how my anxiety gets in groups”you said and he nodded “i know it’s fine don’t worry about it but offers there when you want you could even come out just us on the pouge if you wanted “he offered “they really wanna meet me?”you asked “well they wanna meet MY competition “he challenged “not really a competition there bud” you teased patting his shoulder “but I’ll think about it yeah?”you offered “sounds good and here we are” you turned facing each other then back at the school making your way inside.

“Hey i told jj I’d meet with him just before first lesson give him his homework see you there”you gave him a confused look “they go here?”he laughed “yeah didn’t i tell you”you shook your head no “sorry see you in 10 nerd”he waved “in 10 geek”you repli,ex

Waiting for class to start,you set up outside your classroom and put your headphones back in continuing your book. The vibration of the bell and stampedes of teenagers scurry to their first lesson , you ended up waiting for pope who practically ran down the hall and laughed when your eyes met.

You went in taking your seats next to each other this happened up until break. then lunch you’d go to all your lessons together hang out at break,being antisocial in the library, but at lunch he’s always go off,with the pogues you assume,now knowing they go to your school.At lunch you go outside and walk to the bleachers and sit reading basking in the sun.

After your last lesson with pope you both headed home together dropping him off at heywards halfway.

“Mom I’m home”you shouted slamming the door dropping the keys on the sideboard .After no reply you expected her to be at work so you got started on your homework so you could”relax” on the weekend.

It was now 6:30,and pope texted you telling you the party started at seven and the offer was still up before you could reply,you heard your door slam shut and you ran downstairs hoping you could talk to your mum,and catch up.

You see her figure reach for a cupboard that hasn’t been opened in years left. this was bad.

“Hey mama how was work”you asked with a shaky breath

She glared swigging the bottle

“You know what sweetie “she spat “Mama don’t have to go to work an more you wanna know why because i got fired from work apparently they couldn’t handle me anymore,took to many people on,so sweetie work was fucking awful OK”she shouted

“Oh mum I'm sorry what are you going to do i mean i think the heyw--“

“Oh shut up you’re so pathetic you know,I mean you inside on a Friday night? should you be out like a normal teenager huh?god”she scoffed

“What mom I-“by now half the bottle was empath,being drank with such desperation

“I’ll get another job I’ve already got the heywards they can give me more time and an I-I’ll get a side job we’ll be fine w-we have dads money too”

“Sont talk about hijm!It’s your fault your father left you fucking incompetent piece of shit you make everyone want to leave,no wonder you have no friends. I mean look at you your pathetic you know these people in your books there not real DAISY god why can’t you just be normal you drove everyone away.this is your fault”

Tears were now threatening your eyes,but as you looked into the person infront of you,you didnt see sadness,you saw anger,you saw red.

“Mum Im sorry i-ill-“

Before you could say anything she downed the rest of the bottle and threw it at you.glass smashing everywhere cutting you up.your whole arm started to bleed as you cried out in pain your mum hit you,ran out and slammed the door shut.

she hit you.hit you.you ran upstairs not bothering to protect your arm wrapping it up in an old shirt.you needed your best friend,you didn't have many friends but he was yours you knew that nothing anyone said could change your friendship

So you called him running out of your house in todays clothes covered in blood like you’d been in a fucking horror movie

“Heyyy daisy you change your mind”he answered the phone

“Hey pope I-I need some help my mom a-are you still at a-at the p-party”you stuttered

“Woah woah breathe daisy where are you I’ll come get you okay”

“I’m near the boneyard you still there I-I’m sor-ry f-for calling i didn’t kn—“

He cut you off “no shut up it’s fine where are you,are you hurt what happened?”

“My arm s-she h-hit b-bottle “

“Fuck where are you daisy “

“Oh-oh my god there’s so many people here”you were sure you were having a panic attack by now,-you could barely breathe

“Wait daisy I-i see you I’m coming okay wait there”

“O-okay”

Hanging up the phone you were now just balling your eyes out in pain and hurt. You curled up into a ball only looking up when you could hear pope shouting in the distance.

“Shit daisy”he shouted

“I’m sorry I didn’t know where to go,my mum she she my arm I- I”

Pope wasn’t unfamiliar to your panic attacks,usually being the one to calm you from them,/

“Daisy breath okay”he stroked your hair making you look into his eyes

“What happened “he asked and you showed him your arm “shit daisy that’s close to a main artery your losing loads of blood C'mon let’s get you cleaned up back at the chateau “you just nodded following him his hand holding yours hiding you from the people as you walked past. Arriving at a group of people probably his friends,the pogues,. As your vision begins to go hazy you think that maybe your mum was right you are pathetic .He was out on a Friday night ,I looked like the whole damn school was here.he has his life maybe he didn’t want to be your friend maybe he didn’t want to just hurt you .realizing you were fading out he shook you “shit daisy no no no “he cursed“John b keys I need the keys”you heard him say and they were saying something about him getting some “dude shut up this is daisy she’s hurt “you heard him say and all of them looked at you,but you couldn’t bring your eyes too meet them.Soon enough pope was dragging you away and towards a shack,the chateau.

He dragged you inside and you were sitting on the Island In the kitchen/living room,this was a home.

where was your home now?.

“Here lemme see ''he pulled your arm and started to work. It didn’t surprise you he was so good at this he was always good at first aid but this?

Lucky it wasn't on a actual artery but the blood made it look worse,acknowledging the fact you'd been so quiet,he spoke up “hey D look at me “he said pointing your chin up,looking at you straight in your eyes”what happened,when your ready”he asked.As your breathing steadied,you began to speak “my mom,she got back from work sh-she just lost her job a-and”you stuttered,pausing to collect your breathe

“hey it’s okay take your time okay”he calmed you”she hasn’t drank since..”you stopped and he looked in your eyes.Pope knew all about your dad,leaving you when you were about to go into junior year,you never knew why but one day he was their next he wasn’t,pope helped you through it,when you began to get closer.

“Your dad?”he answers for you

You nodded

“She said that it-it was my fault that he left and that she lost her job an”you gulped,recomposing yourself“How I push everyone away and that’s why I have no friends I mean let’s face it”laughiing a breathy laugh “she’s right”popes head snapped up “Daisy!you have me,D its okay I’m you best friend and you know she’s wrong okay now this is going to hurt”he assured you,before you could ask questions your arm burned up from the straight alcohol he’d put on your arm “FUCK POPE SHIT WARNING PLEASE FUCK”you shouted and he laughed,frowning when he came too “Sorry,shit this is bad daisy,like really bad,I dont know what to do,I can just wrap it up But ii think you should go to the hospital“he said and before you could fight,a deep voice filled the room.

“What the fuck is going on pope”curse from the back of the room.After observing the heaps of bloody tissues and your T-shirt laying next to you“What the fuck happened to her man,who is this?”he asked pope who looked up at you,asking the silent of’should i tell him’ you shook your head with pleading eyes

Pity took over popes vision as he answered JJ’s question“Jj this is daisy,daisy jj”he introduced you and you sighed,finally meeting the blue eyed boy with watery vision“hey,sorry we,urm, woke,you”you stuttered “oh i wasn’t sleeping princess”he winked causing you to furror your eyebrows at the boy you heard stories about ,following up to the elephant int he room.”what happened”he asked,re-observing your surroundings,eyes finally meeting your bloody arm “holy shit you gotta fucking c-cat or something”he demanded .Before you could awnser,a half naked girl stumbled out of his room,pouting

“oh you really weren’t joking when you said you weren’t asleep”you giggle then pope accidentally pressed to hard into your arm making you scream “fuck pope Jesus fucking shit”you cursed

“Fuck I’m sorry but its clean and the plasters won’t do much but I’ll wrap it up anyways i still think you might have to go to hospital”you shook your head “no no no no I can’t pope you know that”he sighed “look nerd you know where she cut look how close that is daisy okay” pointing to your bandaged arm jjs eyebrows furrowed in confusion

You tore away from his gaze to the the floors

“Hey jj,what's taking so long sweets”his guest said,in a thick country accent causing him too sigh turning around going back into his room.You don’t know what he said but five minuets later she was storming out the rusted doors,huffing and puffing, and left and he walked back to you two

“Sorry”you looked at him and his eyes softened.You were gorgeous and so innocent who would do this to you?.he asked himself”don’t be she was to Whiny anyways you saved me”you smiled ,slightly rolling your eyes at the player you'd been warned from.

“Daisy”pope snapped you back to reality “hospital?”

“Pope I can’t I-I’ll just go home and-“you babbled

”no no way you're not going back there daisy okay not if your moms like she is right now”he said under his breath in attempt to be secretive

“Your mom?”jj thought out loud and you just looked at him,mentally cursing yourself

Ignoring the blondes “you know i can’t do that pope”you mumbled looking down.

“Why”he snapped

“Because I live there pope”you paused,forgetting the blonde”you know and it’s not like this is new, you know it’ll blow over”you urged,trying to convince yourself

“And what if i doesn't daisy”he quizzed” what are you going to do then”he asked causing you to freeze and stand in silence.

You walked up and hugged him,stifling a sob.Skilfully dodging your arm,you let go of him and held his stare.

“Pope,your my best friend, okay?Well my only friend. You know that, but you gotta understand why I’ve gotta go home,Besides, she’s probably not even in,she left straight after, she’s probably out okay”you insisted”I’ve got that job with you and your dad tomorrow I’ll see you okay”you insisted

After some silence he looked at you,”I’ll drive you home okay and if she’s there your coming back to mine”he hissed”You can crash in the couch like you did last time okay “he urged”let me just go talk to jj okay”he said leaving you in the kitchen ,now only realizing the blonde had left the room.After overhearing some not-so hushed whispers,pope came out followed by a blonde who carried an angered but also slightly pained expression that left you wondering what pope said in there.Did he tell him about your mum?

After snatching the keys from the side,where you left them,he led you guys into the van.You and pope got into the back and he and just hugged you there it was nice he calms you and you calm him .“Hey pope”you break the silence“Yeah”he returned“Sorry”you apologised“Stop”he spat.

You looked up to him,eyebrows arching up in confusion“What?”you pleaded,provoking him to roll his eyes and your tendency to apologise after any slight inconvenience“Doing it”he grumbled“Doing what”you urged,oblivious to what was annoying him“You always apologise,after everything”he answered letting out a slightly breathy laugh“Sorry”you laugh realising you already subconsciously apologised.“See what I mean”he tutted“Right but thank you”you pushed“Always nerd”he promised“Geek”you sassed,falling into a comfortable silence,enjoying who you considered your family now

“Hey daisy” he broke the silence

“Hm”you humed

“Did you take them today”he asked,you sighed

“I thought I’d be okay pope,i was i promise”you pleaded

“Daisy”he sighed

“I hate them pope,they make me feel so deflated,they make me feel like a monster”you mumbled into his shoulder

“You have to take them daisy you know that”he scolded

“I’m know i Just”you paused

“I know”he cut in

“I don’t want to be a monster anymore pope”

“Your not a monster daisy,i promise,you're amazing bub”he praised

Finally pulling up to your house,met with a cleaver driveway you turned back to pope who was checking for the same thing you were “see”you deflated”i'll be fine see you in the morning,7 sharp kids” you teases in his dad's warning tone

“Daisy i still think you should come back to mine i don't think you’ll b--”

You pleaded his anxious babbling with a kiss on the cheek”see you in the morning”you demanded and he sighed

You popped your head through to the front

“Thank you for the ride jj sorry about interrupting your night” you apologised and he smiled at you”no worries princess,we oughta be seeing you in daylight too though”he asked “maybe blondie”you winked giving pope one last hug before you made your way through the door,treading carefully,just to be safe.

#jj #jj outer banks #jj imagine #jj x reader #jj maybank #outerbanks #obx #obxfic #pope heyward #jj x y/n #jj x oc #pope x yn #pope x reader #pope x oc lovetriangle?#newfic #anypotential whatsoever?#I HAVE A PT2 BC IT WAS SO FFFFFING LONG #LMK IF U WANT IT

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trochantertales · 4 years

Photo

I won’t take up 30 posts with this but rather do it all in one sitting. It’ll be good to evaluate myself properly for the first time in awhile.

1. cw: 129 - haven’t done body measurements in a couple weeks. Will update soon.

2. 5′10″, Yes I’ve always liked being tall.

4. Doing permanent damage to my body.

5. I miss how I felt when I was in the depths of this years ago. I know that sounds crazy. But that time is almost romanticized. I had little real world responsbilities, I was reading and creating things, and in school, and meeting my favorite people, and thin, and working out, and excelling in my sports, and it was all so perfect. I want some of that back. I believe I’d feel more confident for myself and for my boyfriend if I was thinner now too. Elegantly thin. A sharp jawline and sleek collar bones, highlighted from the light leaking in from the window. Like being thin would suddenly make me profoundly interesting too...

6. No

7. No, They are aware of my past with restrictive eating and would be very concerned. They know I’m not eating sugar for health reasons but thats it.

8. Yoga, Spinning, Hiking, and try to run but Im not very good at it. (I aim for daily workouts, but I don’t always get that in. Although I just ordered a spin bike for my home!!!)

9. The only comment I can really recall was pre ED when I was less conscious of my body and my mom kindly pointed out my jeans were too tight because it was squeezing my hips out the top. I know it wasn’t anything critical or negative. She was trying to do me a kindness so I didn’t dress unflatteringly. And I am grateful for that. But more than any negative comments, I always was the skinny friend, and I longed for those comments to continue.

10. Eating out with friends. ED’s are incredibly lonely.

11. I can’t recall the blog or her username, but I can see her profile photo in my mind. She was quite popular on blogger back in the day. Looking for new blogs to follow currently if you have any great suggestions.

12. Nothing for breakfast. Smoothies or 1/2 veggie sandwich or granola bar for lunch. Veggies or small grilled chicken or eggwhite omlette for dinner. 1 small square of dark chocolate to satisfy sweet tooth.

13. Both. My therapist always told me I liked to play both doctor and patient. I like to skirt a fine line, I restrict (currently just minimal daily food, but in the past would fast for a day, or days, or a week, the longest was just over 2 weeks). I was unhealthy but never dipped into a place that was too dangerous. I never wanted to die. I just want to be thin. I also love to work out, so I find a balance between restricting and working out.

14. I think I’d like to be around 115 or 110. When I was down there previously of course I wanted to keep on losing. But I think thats a reasonable goal for myself.

15. Im mostly vegetarian. We only eat meat on occasion. I don’t notice too much of a difference between diets for me. I feel less heavy when I dont eat meat which I prefer. Eating meat is more of a rare indulgence.

16. End of high school. I worked at a cafe, and in the beginning it was a perk to be able to snack on things throughout the day for free. A muffin here, some chicken strips there, a small scoop of ice cream, grilled chicken salad... At some point after eating during the work day, I grabbed a plasic spoon and went on break and tried to purge. (Its not for me). After this, I decided my path would be focused on restricting. I remember going to my high school boyfriends house and telling him so proudly that I had only had a smoothie and a cliff bar the entire day. I was hooked from there.

17. Yes. My therapist was not one who liked the make an official diagnosis. Although she categorized me somewhere along the lines of EDNOS with Anorexia Nervosa tendencies.

18. Certain foods really stand out to me. My friends’ moms fried chicken. My fried tacos. Almost anything sweet. Chips. Perfectly buttered toast. They all represent something to me, but I’m relatively good at distracting myself now. Only rarely do I give in to these temptations.

19. It’s been over a year since I’ve had fast food (as in a drive thru business). The only one I really liked was Taco Bell (and chic fil a but stopped going there years and years ago for political reasons). Ever since I really focused on clean and organic foods, fast food hasn’t appealed to me.

20. A healthy diet of veggies and fruits is always nice and refreshing. A diet program I turn to most often is the ABC diet.

21. Pants (used to be 25, currently a 27/28). Shirt (a S but I prefer M or L for a baggy fit).

22. My lowest weight was around 110-113. I gained while in therapy several days a week and focusing on my passions in life. Things were going really well in my life and my need to control things was redirected into my athletic and creative goals.

23. Media has a large role in motivating me to remain sick. Im not so sure it was a role in me wanting to lose weight. Once I was ill I rewatched Girl Interrupted, Thin, Intervention, Whats Eating You, Super Slim Me, Supersize vs Superskinny, Biggest Loser etc. over and over and over again.

24. I don’t believe anyone who suffers from an ED is For any of this. I think it more accurately describes an individual as “actively-Ana” or “acitvely-Mia.”

25. I’ve only successfully purged once. As I said earlier, it’s not my thing. My friend who struggles more with bulimia suggested I could try using a toothbrush and tickle my tonsils. After a lot of gagging and sweat, I was able to purge a good amount of my meal. But I hated the idea of eroding my esophageal lining. And in the end, restricting was just easier for me. Tidier. More control. More discipline. Reflected my personality more.

26. A different kind of confidence, and a certain mentality that I truly miss in my creative process.

27. If I can avoid it like, avoid going into the kitchen to grab something, then its very easy. It tests me when sitting around a table filled with snacks. So if I can keep my hands occupied with a hydroflask of water, thats what I focus on. And I’m always in my head from the beginning of meal. Who am I wish. What are we eating. What else have I eaten today. What else do I have to eat today. How many calories is the meal. How many calories can I afford to eat. etc etc. And when I have a plan, I stick to it.

28. Yes. I’ve always had a thigh gap growing up and even through my 20s. Only in very late 20s and 30 have I felt the very top of my thighs rub together if I walk a certain way and it makes me feel seriously ill. I miss the days of standing with my feet tightly together, upright, butt tucked (not sticking out like IG influencers for better angles), and still having a gap.

29. Passionate Brilliant people with an unwavering sense of self.

30. Ill continue to update my stats, especially since I did this all in 1 go vs over a month.

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traumawings · 4 years

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long vent, sorry

i always feel like i'm lying, even though im not

my emotions always feel so,, fake, like im acting in a tv show, sometimes they dont even really feel like my own??

my thoughts sometimes feel forced, as if they're not really mine??

and all these memories feel so distant, like i know it happened to me but it feels like im just looking at someone else

no matter what i do, i always feel so,, unreal, incorrect, like somethings off/missing, but idk what

i recently found an email i sent myself back in 2016, where im just talking to myself like im talking to someone else?? i like told myself something along the lines of ''dont forget this thing, dont be stupid'' and then responded to myself with a ''yeah yeah i know'' and then ''yeah okay, just checking to be sure'' and??? wtf???

i cant really remember that?? like i used a word for 'stupid' (english isnt my native language btw) that i cant remember ever using?? i only have a sort of,, intuitive feeling/memory (?) of the very first line of the email, but i dont remember the rest

and ive always talked to myself, hell i still do it, all the time

i talk to myself like im talking to another person, but theres no one there, and i only 'act out' my part of the conversation

i dont think i hear voices tho? or have actual blackout moments? although i did ask my mom recently and she did say that as a child, i'd sometimes look like i'd just 'woken up', even though i wasnt asleep in the first place

and that my skills would vary greatly, so like one moment i would be really good at something, and then later on i was suddenly really clumsy while doing the same thing

and i would always make up a lot of oc's, like a lot

and i would, and still do, daydream very intensely and just like 24/7, with these characters

and the characters would make moves or do/say things that didnt feel entirely predictable to me?? even though it was technically me controlling all of that??

and when i'd act out the character, it almost felt like i just,, became that character

i would even get really sad and dissapointed when i remembered that i couldnt do things with them like start a youtube channel or smth, because they weren't real, didn't have a physical body

and i know this sounds kinda like DID/OSDD but i dont have that i think, because i dont actually really blackout

like its not like im doing a thing, then suddenly 'come back to' doing something else or that im suddenly in a different place or smth

so i just, feel fake

my brains just constantly trying to diagnose me

like everytime i notice i relate to a certain disorder or anything, i just become completely obsessed with that and start researching it and everything

and i feel so guilty while doing it, like im disrespecting the people who actually struggle with that disorder

thats also the reason i still really struggle to call myself traumatized, because i feel like im making it up, like im being dramatic

ive just become obsessed with trying to put a name to all of this

i have so many different kinds of symptoms that can often even contradict each other, that i just dont know what this is

and im scared of being misdiagnosed, i mean i dont wanna disrespect the professionals who actually studied for it, but i constantly fear theyre going to get it wrong because i feel like im not being honest, like theres something im not telling them but! idk! what!

and its so frustrating

i just constantly contradict myself

thats also why i struggle with taking personality tests because well everyone can relate to all of the answers right?? and when i take a test like that, i again, feel like im lying, even though im not, i think?

the thing is, i want a diagnosis, yknow just to put a name to it ig or for attention like i dont even know anymore

but like, i dont want the help, but i know that thats the only reason really that they diagnose people, to set up a treatment plan

but i dont want treatment, i want to get worse

i hate myself for this but, ive even daydreamed of being admitted to a psych ward

and i feel bad for it, because i know that a lot of people wish that they'd never been admitted, but i want to be

i want to be hurt, to be abused, i deserve to be

maybe then ill finally feel valid

but i never will

im not struggling, im just lazy

i should just shut up

but i cant

i cant stop talking, im sorry

im sorry for posting so much, for being so obnoxious

my brain just decided that apparently we need to hyperfocus on our horrible mental health and dissect it to try to pinpoint what the hell all of this is

so i ask of you, please bear with me

im annoyed by me too

im sorry

#vent #ventpost #vent post #dissociation #trauma #actuallytraumatized #identity confusion #tw #sorry for posting so much #i just cant stop #sorry #mine

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selfdiscovery4me-blog · 6 years

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11-5-17(First Post)

I’m doing this instead of doing my pre-calc homework because i feel like that class dosnt matter and i don't really care idk its fucking stupid i hate that teacher but i feel like he just wants kids to like him. Ive been with my girlfriend all weekend(The thought just occurred to me as how to address these from what perspective and to who, my self or an audience im doing this for myself but do i address it as if im telling a story? im not sure but thats how im going to make it seem like and we will see how that goes). I was with her and her mom, it was recently her birthday and she had a very shitty day, even though I and my Mom tried to make it better she still felt really shitty and was very upset and crying, i remember seeing her bring a blanket out of her room to wrap up and cry into and it hit me that idk like i just felt so bad like something was fucked up like i dont even know what it was but the fact that she had her blanket to comfort her maybe it was because she was cold and wanted to cuddle up but like idk it just struck me as odd and like it just seemed like thats what comforted her and like im just not even sure what to say about it, after us arguing too we finally were able to cuddle and hangout for a little bit with the dog biting us and playing around being annoying but being cute at the same time. I left feeling so confused like ive never felt before i cant explain the emotion that i felt after that like i dont know the vocabulary to put that feeling into words. It was really a mix of being sad, feeling helpless and just i was very unsure of the reasons everything was the way it was and i felt like the world was spinning around me and i was standing still watching it move it was extremely weird, I didn't know what to feel or anything. My girlfriend fell asleep, it was a very tiring day for her but i needed someone to talk to or be with so I asked my friend to come over. (Its almost as if feel 2 different range of emotions when im with my girlfriend and everyone else and they dont work together which almost always ends up bad) We hungout and just listed to music and talked, we went into the my hot tub with the kid who lives next to me. I have known him for a long time but he is kind of a shitty person and friend, weve been friends for so long but yet he switches up on me idk my girlfriend hates him because he talked shit about us and made stuff up about her. I guess im just used to it with him by now but she dosent like it and insists that i don’t be friends with him. Whenever i talk to her about it i alwys leave feeling like yeah fuck him i dont wanna be his friend but then when i see him or talk to him like i just wanna be his friend idk why if its just easy or what like hes in my friend group and not a bad person to be around, he dosent talk shit about her or us anymore around me anyway because whenever he does i continue to make him feel like shit about things he does for the rest of the day which now i dont have to do because he dosent talk. Anyway yeah i had nick over and we smoked and today Alex found out about it that i had him over, she made me promise not to hangout with my friends but i made the promise almost knowing that i wasent going to hold it yet i still continue to tell her that. She balled her eyes out today after finding that out, i apparently broke her trust again. I still love her but i want to hangout with my friends i want to go to parties :/ im so inlove with her like i cant bring myself to break up with her like i love her and it fucking sucks because our relationship is going toxic i guess and i really need to probably get out of it before i destory everything i have or had even more but i cant bring myself to do it. I think about things and like i wish everything would just go away that would make it so much easier, if she would just break up with me and leave or something that would make me break up with her like that would be easy and i think its kind of fucked that i think that but at the same time maybe that shows in the way i act its kind of fucked also that i make all these hollow promises to her when I have my own agenda which i make seem like or feel like i have no room or time for actually doing things which she wants too. Maybe i have 2 high of an exception when it comes to high school and my friends and everything i do and i want to do. I feel like she is holding me back but also a crucial part of me, I started loosing interest when more was coining out of my friend group and that started to become something of greater interest to me. Like before we all did the same shit every weekend but now its different but im not sure if it is i dont know maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. I just need someone to talk to but its hard because im fighting a mental battle between my girlfriend and all that surrounds her and my friends and all that surrounds them. I feel like i can do whatever i want and not really experience the consequences for some reason because i feel like i can pull up before getting burned but im not sure if thats really the case because i feel like everyone feels like that way about themselves probably till reality hits them.Maybe im too optimistic im optimistic in waiting for my stocks to go up like i threw 75 of my savings money into them because i hope that somehow they will go up, invested that plus about 100 other dollars into a coin that i know absolutely nothing about and im not sure if that is a good decision or a bad one or just an in the middle idk fuck theres so much going on in my head right now with school and everything too like fuck idek. I literally cannot make this decision between my friends and girlfriend like just thinking about her shes so cute and adorable and perfect when everything is how she thinks it should be but its not what is making me happy entirely like yes i love her and i like to be with her but like its not like thats all i wanna do. I cant sit sill i have to move i have to do more things like and she just wants things to remain how they once were where they appeared perfect. For some reason i feel like im a really good boyfriend and did whatever she wanted at the time because i didnt want to be made fun of or joked about like if we ever broke up and i dint want to end things with her and have her thinking about me as a shitty boyfriend like i wanted her to think of me the way she thought of her ex but i guess in doing that i also made her never want to loose me and she now is crazy and ive been shitty to her i think but maybe i haven't but she just puts crazy rules on me and i dont like to follow them so does make that me a bad boyfriend if the rules are crazy? I think i live in an idealistic world where everything will work out for me because i think it will and i know i can put my mind to it and make it work but im not sure if that is really tested and i know i can or if im just like high on my own ego and i can get let down when it actually comes time to do it. I just fucked with my girlfeinds ig and told her i hacked it and had dudes block her which is funny cuz she left it logged on on my phone and i blocked them but ill see how long i play this out for but it made me happyish and feel good and takes my mind off of things so it was alr. I think im going to stop todays thinggy here ill probably just play with the look of my blog. Maybe ill start a website for this idk well see. i enojoy this kinda idk i still want someone to talk to but everyone just like dosent get it they always just easily pick one side but its not that easy its so hard trying to play both sides an make both side happy and work with it when one side dosent like each other and i feel like i need both things :( maybe ill type more later. Goodbye

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