#im sick i want her to take care of me

[katebishopsbaefy]

Soup and Sniffles

pairing: natasha romanoff x reader (can be read as platonic or romantic)

summary: you're sick and dont want natasha to find out. she finds out, fluff esues.

word count: 961

notes: hey everyone this is the first fic im posting pls no hate 😄😘

You practically fall through your open window onto the floor of your bedroom, knees almost buckling underneath you. You’re able to catch yourself in just enough time to stop your face from slamming into the ground. The impact from your sort of fall is still loud, though, and you pray Natasha couldn’t hear it.

You realized you were sick two days ago, but only today had you really started to feel the full effects of your illness. School was a nightmare with a stuffy nose and constant headache, and with no time in between classes and patrol, you were absolutely miserable. But, not wanting to worry Natasha or risk being labeled as “useless”, you kept it to yourself and stuck it out. One fight in particular left you stumbling and sneezing, the guy’s ice powers making you feel even more sick. You’d managed to make your way to your shared apartment with Natasha. You couldn’t wait to take a much needed nap.

A knock on the door makes you jump up from your spot on the floor, which you happened to be very comfortable in. Natasha’s voice is muffled by the door.

“Y/N? What the hell was that?” she asks. Shit.

You panic. Clear your throat as quietly as you can, hoping to sound much less congested than you are. “Nothing! I’m ok, I swear.”

“I’m coming in,” she states, and she’s next to you before you can even begin to protest. She notices the carpet moved out of place under your feet and smirks. “Did you fall through the window?” 

“Maybe,” you reply. She quirks an eyebrow at you. “Rough ni-” you start, but a cough racks through your body and you’re forced to double over. You recover as quickly as possible, shooting back up with a sniffle and a smile. “Rough night,” you finish. You break eye contact with her once you see the concern laced in her green eyes. 

“I can tell. Did you get hit?” she asks, looking up and down your body looking for an injury that could be the source of your cough. She takes your face into her hands and studies the cuts littering it until your own hands push hers away.

“No, I’m fine. Well, I did get hit, but I’m fine. No problem.” You smile at her. It doesn’t reach your eyes.

The back of Natasha’s hand finds your forehead before you can react. Your mind tells you to pull away, but your body leans into the contact in search of comfort. She frowns as you sniff again. “You’re sick.”

“No I’m not,” you argue, finally finding the strength to pull her hand away from you. It drops to her side and her eyes search yours.

“Yes, you are. How long have you been sick for?”

“I haven’t been sick because I’m not sick.”

“Then why do you sound so gross?”

“I’m not gross.”

“You’re pretty gross.”

“I’m not sick, Nat! Jesus,” you swipe your hand under your nose and sniffle miserably. Her fingers find your face once more and she turns your chin to look at her, thumb swiping away a tear you didn’t know had fallen. Natasha looks at you, really looks at you. You’re shivering under her touch, just slightly, but enough for her to notice. Your eyes are sunken and red, as well as the tip of your nose and your cheeks. She looks back into your eyes.

“What’s wrong?” she asks softly, barely above a whisper. 

Tears fill your eyes and you let them. “I don’t feel good,” you tell her, and the wall breaks. She pulls you into her and kisses the top of your head. You're very aware of the grossness you're getting on her shirt, but she doesn’t care. 

“I got you,” she whispers over and over into your hair, rubbing circles on your back as you sob. Eventually your legs simply give out, but she’s there to hold you up. Drags you over to your bed and pulls away, forcing you to look at her. She hands you a tissue to blow your nose into.

“Gross,” she comments. You giggle tearily and she smiles at you. “I’ll make you soup if you wanna go shower.”

“Mkay. C’n you do tha’ thing where you put m’ clothes in the dryer so they’re all warm?” you look up at her with the best puppy eyes you can muster. This time she giggles at you.

“I guess so. Try not to take twelve hours in the shower, I want hot water too.”

You know she really wouldn’t care if you took forever, as long as it made you feel better.

You jump in the shower, and when you’re out (45 minutes later), there’s fresh clothes sitting on the toilet for you, plus a fluffy towel. You throw on the clothes and ring out your hair, walking towards the kitchen to the smell of soup. 

Natasha watches you and shoots you a small smile. “Better?” she asks.

“Yeah. Less gross,” you reply honestly. Your nose is a lot less congested and your shivering stopped for the most part. You plop yourself down in your spot on the couch and Liho, Nat’s cat, jumps up with you. You pull her into your arms and lay down on a pillow given to you by some distant relative, paying little attention to the sitcom running on the tv.

Nat turns to bring you a bowl of soup, but sees you passed out on the couch, snoring quietly. She walks over and grabs your favorite blanket from over the top of the couch, draping it over you and kissing your forehead. Notices you’re a lot less warm than before, smiles down at you. The soup could wait for later.

#whoopsies idk what im doing #this is kinda bad but its okay #im sick i want her to take care of me #idk if lihos a boy or a girl but oh well thats okay we all make mistakes #i guess im just a fake fan #my blog up to this point is contradicting because my user is kate bishop but my pfp is loki but my only post is natasha romanoff oopsies #natasha romanoff #black widow #marvel #mcu #marvel sickfic #natasha x reader #natasha romanoff x you #black widow x reader #natasha romanoff fluff #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x daughter!reader #natasha romanoff x sick!reader #natasha romanoff sickfic #the avengers

[naamahdarling]

.

#my psych who prescribes my psych meds is a resident and is moving on in a couple of months #i don't even remember the names of them all at this point #this happens over and over and I cannot find a clinic that will put me with someone who intends to stay #thst will also prescribe my adhd meds #and my anxiety meds #and the real kicker is that twice now they have LIED about it and said they would #only to reveal after all the hoop-jumping that oops sorry they didn't really mean it #so it's a risk i have to take any time i leave #and rhen there's the issue of new people almost always wanting to DO something #but instead of talking to me about it they just decide that my meds need overhauling and pressure me to go off shit that works #but that they morally object to i guess #and my psych for some stupid reason has decided she wants bloodwork for my cholesterol and blood sugar stuff and im just like #what hell does THIS presage because if she harasses me about the results or tries to put me on drugs for that #I'll give her a nasty scrap about it #im not interested in those meds at all #and im certainly not messing with my diet since food is the only pleasure i get most days and even that is marginal at best #and removing that would just make me worse #but medpros for the most part really don't give a fuck about that #and so now im afraid - because i do not and cannot trust them - that if i disapprove of the meds they will retaliate somehow #which good luck proving that when management and oversight often don't even care if they course of treatment will HARM you #if it relates to being fat or having bad numbers #they just gotta pathologize! #so yeah im sick of everything and just kind of want to bury myself in a bog forever #i shouldn't have to deal with this

[curioscurio]

Most of my sinus infection has cleared up besides the occasional cough and irritated throat but now this ear infection.... everything hurts can I please have a break before I have to go back to work just a day without pain so I can clean up my sicknest without feeling like ass

#i live with my parents but my mom is having a horrible flair up of RA so she's bedbound and can't help me at all and dad is the only one #the only one working atm so he's not doing anything besides that #its just a little frustrating because whenever mom is sick from her flare ups or if dad gets the sniffles im like #I'm like what can i do for you are you comfortable do you need anything can i make you food let me clean up etc #but when i go down for 3 days of being visibly miserable everything i ask is the world #ask dad to pick up my perscription but god forbid i ask him to do any other task on the way home that involves making 2 SEPARATE LOCATIONS #ita fine hes just. idk #plus mom has her RA flare up and idk #it just feels like nobody in this house is particularly sympathetic when im feeling miserable but im ALWAYS sympathetic when they are #the first 2 days i was doing nothing but sleeping or rolling in pain in my room and no one came to check in on me to see how i was doing #then yesterday my mom says shes taking us both into urgent care but leaves without me in the morning when i was too sick to wake up when she #called for me. #she was like I just really was in so much pain and you didnt get up and i wanted to go asap and i called you #anyway so because i was so sick i couldnt wake up i had to drive myself to urgent care which is also fine im a big boy #anyway. circumstances or whatever. im also real salty bc ive felt like shit for like 4 days

[meatlessmcmuffin]

twitter suspends me for "violent speech" seconds after i make a joke about tapeworm physiology but the overwhelming amount of people who responded to wednesdays shooting by blaming lewistons somali community are just fine? fuck offff

#like getting suspended was funny for a second and then i remembered the actual droves of violent speech under headlines whilei was trying to #make sure my classmate and her children were safe and checking in with my coworkers who go to lewiston auburn all the time. #when the pictures came out immediately somebody expressed disappointment that he wasnt black #every other comment stated “hes obviously middle eastern look he has middle eastern features” on a super blurry security cam screenshot. #im so sick of it. people died. we lost 4 members of the deaf community and at least 2 more were injured. one of the victims was 14 years ol #this is jjust i mean. on top of horrific zionist comments that go undetected because people controlling media and censorship just dont care #and actively promote israel propoganda and censorship of palestinian voices and resistance #sorry my thoughts are all oer the place. i am trying to continue to spread awareness and updates on palestine but this shooting happened #literally less than half an hour from where i live and work. lewistons community is intertwined with my daily life so i will be pretty voca #about it on top of sharing as much as i can on palestine #okay also to clarify i do not want to suggest what happened here is more important than what is going on in gaza rn. #i do not want to draw attention away from this genocide and i firmly believe focusing as much energy as possible into spreading awareness a #and donating/protesting/campaigning anything whatever is possible is most important right now. #overwhelmed as i am by the tragedy in my community it will never stop me from advocating for palestines freedom. i do not believe anyone #not directly affected has a right to “take a break” from this issue

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

skipping class for the first time in my life bc my professor has covid and he sent out an email saying we’re having class and he’s asymptomatic and will wear a mask per cdc guidelines even tho he’s past the 5 day required isolation period. like. great whatevs but have you actually tested negative

update: the answer was no he had not

#stressed as FUCK #it’s fine we have a textbook and he doesn’t take roll #hoping he doesn’t do an extra credit activity but if i miss it for the sake of my health so be it #i have to go home afterwards anyway bc i have an appointment the next day with my thyroid dr #stressed abt that too bc my mum has dropped all precautions as if she isn’t in her 60s and didn’t lose her husband to covid #and idk what my sibling is doing but i know they’ve stopped masking at their practices and i wouldn’t be surprised if they stopped masking #all together. they also only wear cloth masks but at least it was something #idk i just feel like im the only one not ignoring it. like. when my dad got sick i asked him early on if he could smell and he was like #‘I’m just congested’ and my mum was like ‘no he’s just sick it’s not covid’ and then we waited until it was too late #like. i tell my mum that there’s nothing we could have done bc i don’t want her to feel guilty but like #idk. part of me thinks that if people had just listened to me and gotten him tested earlier and not lived in denial that maybe he’d still be #here. and my mum is pretty healthy but again she’s in her 60s. i don’t want to lose another parent to covid. or if she gets it and has it #bad or ends up with long covid then im gonna have to come home to take care of her or. idek. like i don’t live at home anymore so i can’t #pick up the slack if something happens to her. and my sibling definitely can’t #it’s so stressful. did we not watch the same process of my dad rapidly deteriorating. by the time we took him to the hospital he looked like #a corpse. he was completely grey and his eyes were glazed and he couldn’t even sit up or wave goodbye. has she just forgotten that happened #am i the only one who remembers watching my dad deteriorate in front of us #vent tw #covid tw

[skrunksthatwunk]

found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?

#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now #sigh.. i dont know. i dont know. #at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him #no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow? #it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my #best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker. #i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time. #but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh #he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him. #im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to #say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more? #just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am #and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him #and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him. #she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on. #she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken #but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him #and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not #like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him? #so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her #and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all #the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess #like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea. #but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.

[theskywaslookingback]

My dad: *texts my mom the day after Father’s Day to see if I was mad at him because I didn’t call him*

Also my dad: *sends me a text on Easter and then radio silence for months* *does not call to ask if I have plans for my birthday* *does not text to check in on me* *does not invite me over to his house for anything ever* *allows my stepmom to use his money to prioritize her kids over me* *literally doesn’t ever act like he wants anything to do with me actually* *cancels or changes plans at the last minute because he decides he wants to drink instead* *offers to help my mom pay my car payments and then never does* *gets us gym memberships and then cancels them without warning because he didn’t have the money and just doesn’t tell me* *cannot hold a thirty second conversation without mentioning ‘the Chinese threat’ or ‘Covid was invented by democrats to replace Trump in office’*

My dad: Why doesn’t my child call me? I am the specialist most important person in the whole wide world. What could she have to be mad about?

#angy #sweepy but angy #he told my mom the other day that he wished I’d gotten a real job instead of playing around like I am currently #like with zero awareness that I tried desperately for six months to find a job and literally no one would hire me #and now I can just kind of do my own thing BECAUSE my mom takes care of me and helps me financially #and that we have an understanding that I will absolutely look for a job if she ever asks me to #like we have talked about this multiple times #my silly little business is allowed because my mom makes enough money to take care of us both and invest in the business #if she were to say ‘i need you to find a job to pay for your car payment’ I’d start looking again that very second #we’re both adults like #im literally turning 30 in a few days #and he’s still running his mouth like im 16 and stupid #ignoring the fact that I’ve been sick a majority of my adult life and that it’s gotten significantly worse the last couple of years #to the point that something as common as my period will have me writing on the floor in pain for days and sick to my stomach for weeks #this man has a wife that has NEVER worked a day in her LIFE and he wants to tell ME to get a job?? #anyway she told me about it when she got home and i had to stop myself from reflexively going to set his house on fire #that man better send me fucking money for my birthday it’s all he’s good for

[soldier-poet-king]

Love being accused of being crazy and overreacting. Bc I am Once Again Sick, and yeah it fuckin sucks. And yes I AM upset that [redacted irresponsible family event which could have been avoided if the person in question nonna wasn't being selfish and actually admitted to being sick and cancelled weekend dinner but nooooooo that would be the end of the world and how dare people not get what they want 100% of the time] got me sick. And yes I AM concerned that I keep getting sick with increasing frequency and this only started after I had a "mild" covid case. Yes I AM upset that my legitimate concerns about long term effects to my immune system are being dismissed because, y'know, a thing that killed a fuckton of people, it's just "a common cold", and what would my family know only bro 2 and me caught it. And yes I AM upset they're on my ass as if being sick is some moral failing on my part, as if I'm not the only person in this house who takes public transit everyday so immune system issues aside OFC I'm the most likely to catch something. And yes I AM upset that this is from my mother who's THE obsessive neat freak control freak pseudo hypochondriac that I inherited /my/ hypochondria from.

#franposting #also this is an ongoing thing #my hypochondria obsessions only last a few weeks and then i realize theyre illogical #and no i do not have [insert web md disease here] #but this has been OVER A YEAR of recurring illness #but yknow that would require my family to take a single once of my concerns seriously #let alone a HEALTH concern. when im the butt of every single hypochondria joke. always #in hindsight it is literally no wonder. that my mental health went so long undiagnosed #parish priest was literally like. ur child iw suicidak #and all it took was one half assed lie from me and they didnt cate #care* #(i lied bc i was 17 and afraid of getting in trouble for being sick and also theyre like half the cause of me wanting to kms so) #ANYWAY. i am gojng to. take a shower. and go to bed. fuck this shit. #if i miss work i miss work. im not getting the ELDERLY PPL I WORK WITH SICK #no lie more than half the staff is over 55. a significant handful over 70. given the nature of the org #i love my nonna. shes a great grandma. i can see how shed be a terrible mother in conbo with my nonno #can i rlly blame my mother for being Like That #(no. but i can blame her for not taking responsibility for her actions)

[sanctfy]

i think i'll have to call out from work sometime this week to take my cat to the vet

#poor baby i think she has chin acne #our other cat just had it + it looks the exact same #i could have someone take her for me but she's my baby id feel so bad for leaving her alone #+ i want to talk with the vet and hear exactly how i need to take care of her #hopefully we can get an early appt but if not ill just call out sick #im also just so scared theyll say that shes really sick or something serious #and id never forgive myself for not being with her if that's the case #(hopefully not i believe she'll be healthy and well🙏 but ive definitely been crying over the possibility + its kept me up tonight) #+

[nevoeiross]

grades in art school and art degrees are infact all fake after all

#tell me how do i get a 14 after going above and behond on this fucking class #the professor has me talk to people in masters programs almost every week to teach them stuff that was her job #i do the last leg of this class sick off my ass with a breathing infection #and then people who barely showed up to classes get 16s and 17s #i really am not cut out for this bullshit #this is why the art scene is a fucking joke and no one takes us seriously #honestly i dont think we deserve to be taken seriously #bc for a lot of people with rich papis this is honestly just summer camp before they go die of overdoses when they get their degrees #bc lets face it half this people havent even tealised what the fuck is real life let alone how to live without someone doung everything #for them #whatever call me bitter if you want i dont care anymore #cant wait to finish this 4 year expensive lie and change what im studying in my masters

[miniyrds]

.

#covid mention #long time no see #not to come on here just to rant but i am here just to rant bc apparently im not over this (it happened yesterday) #im sorry to my irls if u read this i just need to keep talking about it till im over it #my roommate just tested positive for covid and i wish her a speedy recovery bc it is Not Fun #but she 100% got it from her bf who didnt test when he was sick a few days ago... #and she texted me shortly after she tested positive saying her bf was going to come over tonight (last night)??? and spend the night??? #however the alternative was him picking her up to spend the weekend at his place... #but she phrased it like “if it would make you feel better” #like IM SORRY #YOU WANTED TO BRING YOUR BF OVER WHILE YOURE POSITIVE FOR COVID??? AND YOURE STILL HOPING THAT I WOULDNT GET IT?? #oh but its all okay bc if would make me feel better if you did the alt #how kind of you #make it make sense!! #im glad she has him to take care of her and me to take care of her cat bc i had no one and no groceries and a cat who i had take care of #:) #that's slightly passive aggressive but its the truth #anyway im baffled and shocked but thankfully i feel fine and i hope i dont get it (again)

[mechawolfie]

someone took ONE of my cookies.

#smudgy.txt #its nothing but also taking into consideration #we got two packs of cookies both nearly gone in the day they were gotten #because my mother and the 2 children shes training to ruin their own lives like she does hers #will stuff as many sweets as they can get in their faces without immediately getting sick #so freaking jumbo bags. hell one whole and a half. of candy. will be gone in a DAY #before i even know they were bought #so i had saved. 4 of each on a plate. foil on top. w my burger #n i took a few of one of them. didnt touch the other bc its my favorite kind #wanted to save them #i did notice someone peaked in there bc the foil was disturbed before id even got up #this morning #and i just. sighhh. #i cant say anything bc ive already got a strike against me for bothering to #speak up abt mother insisting on gettnig pets she herself wont take care of #and another strike for fucking being alive i guess #so. biting my tongue. whateverrrr. im gonna game

[panuccispizza]

I received a phone call the other day where my dad was with his neighbor? and he was just trying to wish happy Thanksgiving but for some reason within the conversation he slipped up on my pronouns and was trying to be supportive while also outing me to this stranger by also fucking up on the wording and just misgendering me. but the neighbor got upset at him and me And started telling him to hang up the phone, and she kept trying to make a point to misgender me but she was gendering me correctly, just being transphobic about it. and it was kind of funny but also I cried the other day (hard) and I still feel flat and empty but I'm forced to go into my barely passable service job otherwise I get punished for black friday

#every year it seems like i cant catch a break around thanksgiving all my displacement is in late november #im exhausted and i dont know how to tell my dad i accept his stupidity because i know hes not going to be any better than he is now. #but its unacceptable to talk about someone like that and no i do NOT know this woman i dont care if i met her ONCE. #and its just annoying like im sick of being trans because im sick of worrying about being wrong all the time and every single fucking thing #that i do is wrong like im always fucking wrong #like dad you and mom did a hand in giving me fucking COMPLEX TRAUMA and ive been working on healing and taking care of myself #because i want to be able to live a normal life. i want things and fulfillment. #my brother was able to go into the army to get the easy pass out of poverty and im probably going to kill myself by 30 #literally i need ans want therapy so bad..... no insuranc

[iloveyouitisruiningmylife]

you know it's bad when you hit the 30 tag limit

#like shut up i wasn't done #i feel so unbearably hurt and betrayed like how can i be SO. unimportant to him so less of a priority that he's literally organising his #desk instead of talking to me taking five mins to talk to an agent book a ticket in tatkal #i told him i had to be back by 20 even before coming here on like 5th #and ive been reminding hin this everyday since after diwali #still he just. doesn't care? #and im his daughter? am i his daughter? does it even mean anything????? #ive never felt more alienated from my family than today #isn't it sad i don't even expect anything from mom all she does is tries to lighten the mood by making jokes #im so sick of her even the sight of her her voice makes me want to shout at her #i don't do it ofc but still #everyone is so selfish she's so selfish too she's always complaining about how i don't love her how i don't give her a chance #but that she'll stay away from all important thinhs that actually matter to me like what's the point of having a mother then??? i have my #siblings to listen to me i have my friends you i need u to be an adult and fucking help me in real terms #nvmind that path is just hopeless #anyway in tired of my small fucking life and my same small fucking problems and my own fucking self #everything would be okay if i just studied a little bit harder #idk ive been practicing saying it out loud that i can't study more than tui and after seven times i can say it out loud now #without crying or my voice watering #so hopefully it will go well #tho in my experience i never actually get to sya the stuff i practice to say to him because he dominates the convo so early so fast im #left speechless and shocked and on the verge of tears AGAUN #it's fine im calm now #but after crying headache ugh i did not miss u at all going back to storing all breakdowns in a bottle

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage #directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space #im just fucking. im at my saturation point #its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking #mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance #and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting #that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck #ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done #im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine #bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt #working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it? #idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating #god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to #feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even #this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong #im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must #be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care #leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care #anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy #i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago #itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage #unrelated