#im not upset or anything. just trying to be a better person.

[deoidesign]

I'm sorry if what I say is wrong in any way, I don't mean to offend you, it's just something I'm not completely sure about. Does Adam use he/they or they/them pronouns? I think I saw a post of yours where you said that Adam uses he/they, but it was a while ago and now I'm not completely sure (and I don't want to use the wrong pronouns)

I know you don't mean anything by it, but I am sad that so many of the asks I get start with people saying "I'm sorry, I don't want to offend you" or some variation thereof, followed by completely normal questions. I think I may have been responding too harshly to too many things and given the impression that I'll jump at people for being wrong...

But asking clarifying questions is always okay. I mean, it's also okay to be wrong and even offensive. What matters is if you learn from it when someone points out that it was wrong or offensive. I won't stop telling people they're saying something hurtful if they are, but I don't want that to lead people to be scared of me or something.

Correcting people is always just about correcting them, not hurting them. It's okay to need to be corrected, were all learning new things every day.

Anyways Adam uses he/they, you remembered correctly

#i dont like when people pry about personal things #especially not when it's accusatory. I'm admittedly sensitive to a lifetime of people denying my identity #people saying i dont count as bi. or nonbinary. or disabled. #and so i tend to take questions around these as people trying to 'sus me out' as a fake or something... #and I'm always going to try to explain. generally gently... how these things are hurtful to me personally #or in the case of my characters how certain things can (in my opinion) be harmful mindsets to have #but i dont carry them with me and im not mad #im just 26 and kinda tired of making myself small to make other people more comfortable. #so. if im uncomfortable ill just say jt! #and ill do my best to explain why so people can maybe learn from it #but as someone who. i talked about this recently elsewhere. as someone who has anger management issues #and unfortunately has had to deal with people i care deeply about being scared of me... #it just makes me sad to see anons being scared of me. #that's all #im not upset or anything. just trying to be a better person. #I'm learning everyday too #asks #anon

[barkingangelbaby]

I feel like such a broken fucking person lol

I talked way too much in the tags don't read them

#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!! #been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust #i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short #i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways #i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and #i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc #we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk. #i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus #t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do #n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on #being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it #I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her #like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky #i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up #i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on #like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything #idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions #today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others #i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day #rAMbles

[todayisafridaynight]

YEAH........... YEAH..... LIKEWISE, NO NOTES AT ALL, THAT'S EXACTLY IT... Main antagonist deaths are often treated as "comeuppance," but that would be the ultimate comeuppance for Aoki. As it stands, the only people who actually suffer for it are Ichiban and Jo, and Ichi didn't even do anything wrong. Also please I'm positive there's more to wring out of Aoki and Jo for an essay 😭😭at the very least, I always love to hear your perspective!

"he'd made a social circle for himself where people predominantly liked him for the power and influence" <- incredibly Mine-core of Aoki btw (I also feel the rest applies a little in terms of Mine probably being very quick to write off people who Do care about him as not caring about him, as with Katase, but it's nowhere near the extent of the Arakawas)

Wait actually it's kind of funny... for both Mine and Aoki, I was so sure their endings would go a certain way. Mine and Kiryu'd fight Richardson off together and Ichi'd, I don't know, shield Aoki or hug him so Kume couldn't get to him in the first place, or after that INSANE direct parallel to Arakawa running to the hospital with Masato, he'd miraculously pull through like he did on New Year's. Tormented with visions of the better timeline... With Aoki in particular, it makes me want to tear my hair out because the moment of him choosing to put the gun in the locker was REVOLUTIONARY for the series, looking at the characters he was most heavily based on.

Anyway. Bottom line. These bitches need to hug it out. It was so evil Arakawa didn't hug Ichi at Omi HQ or on the waterfront like bro stop being """manly""" for five seconds you're ruining my life you're ruining your own lives

There'd genuinely be nothing more painful yet more satisfying for an antagonist than being confronted with the consequences of their actions and having to navigate life after having making those decisions, ESPECIALLY when it comes to mending the bonds that- for anyone else- would have shattered long ago. With Aoki being motivated by the want to be loved and appreciated for himself, it would've been nice to see him finally acknowledge that he did have that love and start to better himself as a result (however much he'd be able to while in prison anyway lmao).

The Mine and Aoki comparisons are so real though, I remember joking to myself about it days after beating the game but it just fuels my mental illness every time I think about it ☠️ I LEGALLY AM NOT ALLOWED TO GO OFF ABOUT THE Y7 ENDING I'VE DONE IT TOO MUCH it makes me so mad every time I think about it 😭 ESPECIALLY THE PARALLELS WITH ARAKAWA AND THE LOCKERS UGGGHHH IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH AN EPIC CONCLUSION WITH THAT... Arakawa running from the lockers at the start of Aoki's life compared to Ichiban running from the lockers and getting Aoki to the hospital so Aoki can restart life I'm Going To Kill Someone (myself) (in Minecraft)

#snap chats #theres a note here about aoki's self hatred and ergo his inability to believe people could love him without 'worth' #and some kind of. I Dont Know occurs that comes with aoki accepting that love and ergo At Least Tolerating himself #and again becoming better as a person as a result. not WHOLLY you cant undo Everything Wrong With Him with one therapy session #but itd at least be a start and thats far more than anything else rgg has given since like. ryuji in dead souls #but w/e i- as per usual- have the vocabulary of a walrus so we're just gonna have to imagine i said something profound #AND THE LACK OF HUGGING IN THIS FRANCHISE IM GOING TO STAB ALL OF YOU. IN MINECRAFT. #with the power of delusions and this like seven-year-old wacom tablet i can fix that...... #it'll never be enough it'll never fill the void in my soul but it'll be something i guess #BUT UGH NO SORRY IM JUST MAD NOW #nothing in my life has ever genuinely triggered anger in me than the y7 ending its just soooooooOOOOO #IT WAS SOOO CLOSE TO BEING PERFECT I CANT #im going to give myself a blood clot thinking about it anymore i feel my heart stopping Do Not Call An Ambulance I Cannot Afford It #so to stop myself from going in any more debt than i already am..... the possibility of any essays from me are very small #my ability to use words is near non existent. i feel like a right ninny sometimes #in any case im not sure what else i could expand on that isn't restating what you've said #cant ever be upset with bein on the same wavelength tho it gives my inarticulate ass a helluva easier time trying to explain LMAO #plus im petrified of trying to interpret anything from the english dub or english subs #and looking into language use is Very Much important when dissecting abusive relationships #i guess there's always just talking about general actions committed and not inspecting the exact words used #idk.. at the very least ill rotate the concept in my head and then fend off the urge to eat my teeth #i'm gonna throw up.... im still thinking of it........ gonna make an unrelated-but-arguably-related post in like three seconds #dont look at it its cringe

[nomaishuttle]

fighting for my life trying to find info abt specificslly being an autistic parent to allistic kids but you search Autistic parent to allistic kids and evrry single thing is ITS SO FUCKING HARD TO HAVE A WEIRD FREAK WEIRD GROSS WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD SCARY ODD BLUNT AUTISTIC CHILD !!! WHEN YOU ARE NORMAL AND GOOD !!! can we all kill ourselves

#i did find a pretty good article im reading through. so ya.. it was a little upsetting at first bc they talked abt like. the author is l #autistic so they were talking abt an interaction they had with an allistic woman who had autistic parents and siblings #and she said some like. truly vile things and this person is a Far better person than me bc theyre like. well the way the she feels is sort #of a mirror of the way i felt growing up in an allistic family. which is fair but also i for shre wouldbe cussed this woman out very much #sry . she was saying shit abt how awful it was to see 2 autistic people presenting and being appreciated by their colleagues and how her #parents were broken and she was Real in a way they werent . like damn sry abt yr childhood but thats like. idk. im trying to be empathetic #but i am a broken and evil autistic person so im having some difficulty 😯 #sry. i have judt been thinking abt it bc i might adopt kids bc idk likee. yk. idk what the womb situation will be and i cant afford to get #my eggs frozen etc. so theres a high chance my kids might not be autistic. which is sort of scary and i wanted 2 try and see testimonies #from autistic parents judt 2 see like. what their experience was #obv ill still love my kids KRNFJFNG even if theyre weird freaky allistics ( #JOKING JOKING JOKING JOKING JOKING sry if my future kids r reading this.) #but yk i just wanted to see some of the things 2 look out for. #bc obviously. some things that are really good for autistic children can feel either stifling or distant to an allistic kid. which you can #say abt anything lol thats every kid but ykwin.

[whimsyprinx]

i know it’s selfish of me to want people to reach out first or like generally because people have lives, they’re busy, they’re dealing with their own shit, maybe they just don’t think to even keep in contact, etc etc but that doesn’t make it hurt any less or make me feel any less unwanted when it feels like half the people i thought were my friends don’t seem like they think of me as their friend.

#whimsy whispers #idk I think it’s made worse because like while I’m not busy not I use to work and be busy and still tried to create time to keep in contact #with people and like I struggle reaching out to people and keeping in contact but despite that for a while I like consistently tried to keep #in contact with people and message them daily even though I felt like I wasn’t wanted and was being annoying but like as you can see I’ve #since stopped that because like the feeling of bothering people only got worse especially when it felt like I was the only person trying to #keep in contact anymore #I know I shouldn’t expect or hope for people to go out of their way and comfort zone to talk to me and make me feel wanted or to prove that #they (still?) care about me but like I just don’t know what my role in peoples lives are anymore like am I even your friend? do you want me #in your life do you even like me? it just doesn’t feel like it and like I don’t expect anyone to see this post and to reach out because of #it or feel anything other than annoyed that I’m making a vague post about what’s up in my life I know that’s now how this works #I also know people avoid me when I get this way but as it stands im not getting any better #or idk I’d like to think I am I wanna believe I’m not as upset as I could be but some days it’s just so painful and I feel so alone and #disposed of like it truly feels like whatever relationship I have with people isn’t anything #it’s nothing I’m nothing and nothing is going to change that nothing is going to change in general

[drowsymachine]

i need to get better at accepting constructive criticism honestly, and any advice in general tbh. ive got to stop seeing someone genuinely trying to be helpful as some attack/slight against me

#don't rb #it's gotten to the point ive actually fell out w/ people because i just didnt want to listen to their advice. it wasnt about anything major #but i still upset them #like if i want to improve i need to be willing to accept advice. but everytime i get advice i cant help but feel like the person giving it #is trying to look down on me in some way? like they think they're better than me and they're the ones who deserve all the attention. #idk how to explain it. its getting into vageuly related but unrelated to the topic at hand issue now anyway #would tag this as en pee dee because im 99% sure thats where this comes from. as usual. but im too scared to LMAO #vent #<- kinda

[n0ct0urn1quet]

hgonesly at this point i really do wish i could just say Fuck It and disappear off the face of the earth for a little bit bc honestly . i donot want to be alive

#2023 off to a banger start for me (got into an argument with my mom on new years about her bf reminding me of my abusive dad #and havent had peace or a good nights sleep since!!!!!!!!!!!) #i am absolutely fucking miserable and i just donot want to Do It anymore #i hate this house i hate the people i live with i hate this world and i hate everything thats happening to jme but i cant do anytihing #i cant do anything to Fix Anything i cant do anything abt my problems theres just so much Wrong With Me that i dont know how to fix #i dont know if i CAN fix most of the issues i have. i have so much ptsd and trauma from so many different things and its all just. hghg #and i want so badly to just let it out and talk to the people Around Me about it bc it is Serious and i shouldnt be just not talking about #it but. i just cant bring myself to Do That. i am constantly afraid that the people around me will be angry with me if i even so much as #speak up about the things that make me upset and its not their fault and its no ones fault but my own and i just dont know what to Do #im scared of confrontation and im worried that if i try to talk about it its gonna lead to an argument!!! i know it wouldnt but im terrifed #so id rather just not talk about it. which then leads to the problem not getting resolved because. fuck man im sure the people around me #know that somethings up but i never bring it up so therefore they never find out and it gets swept under the rug like all my other issues #i pride myself on being good at being emotional and being open but in reality i am emotional. yes. but not at all good at being open #ive never been good at it and i feel so BAD because like. yes i love you. yes i trust you and i know you would never ever be mad at me #for just talking about my feelings. i know this and i love you for it. but im so bad at conveying that. even though i trust you with mylife #im just bad at opening up. it does not matter how long we've known each other its just such a struggle for me to Be Open to anyone #of course its not much better that im coming to tumblr and puttign this here for 100+ people to see but just. i dont know #im mentally unstable ive never had good coping mechanisms and im the only person awake and everyone else that i usually vent to is asleep #so all my thoughts just get piled up into one messy little ball and it gets thrown to tumblr because i need somewhere to put them #im sorry. im exhausted. its been a long week and i wish i could just hybernate for the rest of the month and not interact with anyone #i just wish i could mvoe out and live with my gf and our cat. that is all i want and that is the only thing that would fix me

[caruliaa]

the worst part abt tumblr is sometimes ur mutuals will start just postinf stuff that u feel is like. idk you personally feeel kinda rly off abt it but u have no idea if tgats reasonable or not so ur like well it would be weird nd potentally kinda dickish to try to tell them but also if it was just someone u followed ud prob unfollow then but nit only are they a mutual they r a friend mutual so ur not doing that but also u have no idea of this is like. smth showing a difference between u nd this person that might potentially fuck up ur friendship later on or manybe its literally just memes and jokes and/or they didnt think abt it that much and your just being weird and sensetive by caring abt it at all. and u dont know what to do abt it so u usually just vaugpost abt it. which is what im doing now

#i feel so like dumb like i literally feel so dumb. omg i feel so dunb #like bc i am being so dumb !!! omg #just like. idk maybe making fun of panic attacks and acting like someone is dumb for not wanting to watch smth w homophobic slurs in it #(NOT that a protag of a show were the point is the character arent all good ppl saying it just in regards to ppl not want to deal w #homophobia in the media they consume when its already smth they have to deal w irl) #kinda doesnt feel worth it to me to make fun of what is for the most part. a guy u made up. #like im sure ppl like that do exist but the post in talking abt literally talked abt it like a hypothetical type thing yk #but also i get that they mutual rbing and prob the op didnt like. mean any harm at all or anything like that like. #they prob just meant it as a funny meme thing or whatever infact they almost definatly did #im just like. being senetive and dumb abt this for no reason !!! #idk i think the problem is is that im just like. a lot more upset by being mean and making fun of ppl than others are #and i dont mean that in a im better than others way i meancthat like. as a dig to myself #bc im sure id be a much cooler+funner person to be friends w if i wasnt like this #but for some reasonn i am just a sensetive weirdo !!!! ell ohh ell #anywayy i slept fucking atroicusly late night im running on 3 hours sleep and i cant get abt to sleep #bur ill try so basically dont takevthis as me Being Online and also #consuder my sleep deprivation in everythig i am saying here i cld wake up from a nap and be like ehy tf did i say that #but also i kinda felt this way b4 i was sleep deprived so like. thatll prob still happen but itll b more like #why tf did i post that and/or why was i being so dramatic online #also i capatlized Being Online to say like. being active and present and answering asks and messages type deal #but it made me realsie that like. idk i hate how whenver i say shit like this a lot of ppl wld take it as me being overly online or whateve #when like. this is equivelant to hanging out with a group of ppl irl and a friend laughs at a joke that makes u uncomfy #its not some weird exculsivley online issue #that also annoyed me abt smth else that happened earlier this year like no i do not have a ‘’’’parasocial relationship’’’’’ w u #u r my bffs new friend who i dont like i am engaging in a teenage girl right of passage or being petty and worrying ur stealing me bestie #get it right !!! #okay i think i am talking too much ant bullshit #also to calrify i no longer feel that way abt that person those last few tags were abt it have been resolved #flappy rambles #also somw of my tags were eatn but im goin 2 sleep sorry for bein a creep a weirdo wat tha hell am i doin here……

[miamicommune]

fucking so sick of surviving

#i feel cursed #every fucking day i don't do shit and somehow feel more and more tired more and more stressed #ive always been a pretty angry person but i fully internalise it bc i don't want to upset anyone #but rn im getting more and more angry at myself and everything around me and im getting more and more intrusive thoughts #every time i pick up anything even slightly sharp or pointed the urge to just gouge out my own eyes just gets stronger #god why couldn't i have just died #im so tired and miserable all of the time #therapy can't help me it literally never has before #and i don't trust myself on antidepressants bc let's be honest id just try and off myself again #and everyone would get mad at me and itdm ake people miserable #god that's all i do #make people angry and miserable #it'd be better for me to just do it one more time so nobody has to put up with it for the rest of their lives #god #god why is any of this happening to me #cw eye trauma #cw sui

[be-good-to-bugs]

why havent i been talking to the much much cooler and better older sister who is a furry and super nice and fun to talk to and cares about my opinions and feelings instead of the one who cant respect boundaries and makes me feel like a mistake and doesnt care abt how i feel

#the bin #shes also the only normal person in my family #and when i say normal i mean it in a treats other people with respect way not in a societally normal way #cause she the least 'normal' of my family in that way. which is a good thing. be a freak. autism makes u cooler by default #idk. she sthe only person who i feel like actually cares about me and my opinion and wants to hear what i have to say and views me right #i wish we talked more when i was younger. shes so nice. i hope when i move we can houngout together more and maybe watch some movies #and talk abt stuff or smth. we r probably gonna play some games together soon which is nice #i miss her. i think i can also talk to her abt how our other sister kinda sucks. i know she views her pretty highly or at least used to but #i still think i can. i dont think itll make her uncomfortable. #ive been looking over the past years with my other sister and they havent really been any good mostly #ive just been so isolated and sad that it was better than nothing but its past that point now #if id had other people to talk to then i wouodnt have soent so much time with someone making me feel worse #i also think shes just made me a worse person overall. more judgemental. the past year ive become very against that trying hard to not #and she gets very upset with me when im like hey. yknow. id rather assume the best of random strangers not doing anything that bad #i dont wanna assume everyone is an inconsiderate asshole because they arent. life circumstances we dont know about could be #the reason for this honestly pretty mild inconvenience. if u wanna think otherwise then thats fine but dont day it around me #idk. im tired of it. im still super sad but ive become a much more bright and hopeful person because im trying to be #it actually sucks to view the whole world as horrible and everyone around you ass horrible #idk. maybe i can get my other sister to do the fun stuff with me i dont like doing alone #cause it makes me unbelievably sad to realize i dont have anyone to ask anymore at all. period. but maybe it doesnt have to be that way

[anethum-etcetera]

.

#nobody who can do anything for me right now actually cares #the only person who has shown that they care is fucking miles away #whats the fucking point #nobody even fucking follows this blog so this doesn't even fucking mean anything #i am trying so hard to handle this maturely but god fucking damn it #i am sad #i am upset #i am mourning something that may have only existed for me #and the one person i could have called my best fucking friend is not someone i want to see right now #the worst part is i still love both of them so fucking much #i owe my fucking life to them #and it just feels like im some kind of obstacle for them? #did they ever care #should i even care #i just want the full fucking truth about everything going on behind my fucking back #so i can stop feeling like a piece of shit for finding it myself instead of getting the real answers #eli if you see this you better fucking say something or im going to lose my shit when i see you #fuck

[waporlock]

.

#its honestly so tiring #im exhausted from these months of trying to keep afloat. trying to do better #yesterday realized that im 100% not gonna kill myself bcs i dont want to disappoint my mom but like. if that werent in the picture #id probs be dead by now #which honestly sucks bcs if i have to keep living i have to keep suffering from this awful mix of #exhaustion and joylessness and numbness and just. a vacuum of literally anything of substance. less than vermin #sigh. why am i even writing this? mby its a variant of selfharm w myself rn and tags is the only channel i feel ok w using #the selfharm of isolating myself. already talking abt this makes my gut churn. i am TIRED of introspection amd trying to understand whats #upsetting me... i just want to turn off :( #personal

[pizzapizzadickz]

.

#diary #personal #lying down on the bathroom floor in the dark truly does wonders. yknow? #i feel a lot better. like. im not on the brink of shattering anymore or anything #im still upset internally. but. im fine enough to like. take a shower after work n stuff now. #i always have gotten overstimulated and stuff. so its no surprise that chilling like this helps. #and my back pain has gone down a good amount too. its probably like a 3 or so? #my body truly doesnt handle standing all that well so it sucks i have to for my job. otherwise that wouldnt have happendd #haaah. im just glad to be in slightly less pain. it was probably at a 5 or so. itll probably be better tomorrow. #unfortunately i have a few vertebrae outta place again so thats why its REALLY causing problems probably. #okay. i can get through this. just give the bunny supper. and take a shower. and brush my teeth. then bed. #yes it is only 4pm but by the time im done itll be 7 #and its probably best if i get my ass in bed asap. even if i dont sleep. bc between the weighted blankets and dark room ill be okay #*sigh* its troublesome. really. but there's not much to be done either #i jusf hope my brain shuts up and stops replaying social situations i fucked up in my head. bc it hurts #oh well. ill try to get myself to eat as well maybe. *sigh* but idk if i can. ig all i can do is try to accommodate things.

[whimsyprinx]

asking again: if there was something that has been upsetting you for a while but you know isn’t done intentionally and didn’t want to make the other person/people upset by bringing it up would you still bring it up or continue saying nothing?

#whimsy whispers #Im aware that I’m probably being overly sensitive #and I don’t want to make other people upset because it’s such a me problem and I know so much that no one is intentionally trying to make #me feel this way but it feels like nothing regarding how I feel is improving #i can make myself feel better for a while by reminding myself I’m being dumb and that it’s not on purpose and all #but I always get sad again and again and idk I feel so stupid and like idk the word #obnoxious? like a bad person and like I’m expecting too much? i feel so like idk like how I feel is so unnecessary and it probably is #i most likely am overreacting and I don’t want to bother people or make them upset so I just don’t say anything ever and idk if that’s #making things worse or not but there’s like #when do I bring it up how would I even go about bringing up the topic??? #idk I’m tired of feeling sad and I’m tired of being a bitch because of it #Im being so stupid and I know no one deserves to be like idk be shoved away or deal with my negativity because of how I feel

[mrfoox]

I forget that it's fairly common to actually dislike traits which are not the same as yours and im: but why...

Anyone who's unlike me in some manner I 9/10 times have big interest and respect for

#Obviously if someone have shitty views or beliefs thats not what i mean as a disclaimer #But like... Im very emotional about everything. I find people who aren't very cool and i just want to understand them better #Talked with oliver some and hes very... Well kinda 0 bs type of person and he's not afraid to say things when hes upset or similar #Fpr me thats whack. I personally am a pushover and will basically try to appease everyone even if theyre assholes. Kill them with kindness #But hes not the way and im like... I cant imagine doing that myself but thats actually awesome I am impressed #In my country/culture the norm is kinda to take all shit you get from others and turm the other cheek etc bc we dony want to be a bother #So his way of thinking and well being is very alien in general where im from. I joked and said its probably from his finish side. Finish #People are bad ass and definitely have an stronger spine than us 😂 but like evrn with hobbies and interests i am thid way #I can and will sit down and listen to someone i like talk abojt their interests even if i dont personally care for it or am into it. I will #Still find it interesting to hear about though. Like fabian is an active gym goer atm and is trying to be veru healthy. That doesnt align #To me or anything i have any real interest in. But i gladly listen to him explain his gym stuff/experience etc #Our differences as people is honestly very cool and i wish more people could see that i guess #miranda talking shit

[formulafics]

❀ NEW DESIRE | MV1

SCENARIO: you and max are childhood friends. despite claiming a platonic relationship - or rather, not claiming a romantic one, fans are certain that there’s more to what you both have, especially when max openly simps for you on streams, and most definitely when his private account gets leaked.

PAIRING: max verstappen x fem!reader

AN: i am so sorry this has taken me so long to get to! that being said, i hope you still enjoy it! thank you for your patience and your request 🫶🏻 also i did use google translate for the dutch part so if you speak dutch im so sorry LMFAO

as always, a shoutout to @renarots because these fics truly would not be as good without their input. <3

if you saw me change the title, no you didn’t

MASTERLIST

YNLN on Instagram stories

grandprixsandgossip on instagram

14,567 likes

grandprixsandgossip for a long time, fans of max verstappen have questioned his relationship with childhood friend yn ln. recently, the formula one drivers’ private instagram account posts were leaked after a fan somehow was accepted to follow his private account, which features many pictures of him and yn, dating all the way back to 2014.

you can find the archive of his posts on our website by following the link in our bio. while we weren’t able to gather every comment and like, we were able to get a majority of the posts!

what are your thoughts?

view all 782 comments

formulaverstappen okay so this is pure he-said-she-said, but apparently on the holidays post, max’s sister commented “just friends? 😉” and max responded with the 😳 emoji I AM SICK

rizzciardo anyone who still thinks they’re just friends is LYING to their self

lnnation haunted by the fact that yn learned dutch for max and she helped him learn english

formulanorriz if he doesn’t ask her out at this rate, IM GOING TO

GRANDPRIXSANDGOSSIP.COM

maxemillianv on instagram

maxemillianv goede race, nog betere mensen ❤️ of moet ik zeggen persoon haha (great race, even better people or should i say person haha)

ynln zoveel liefde voor jou. ik ben zo trots op je ❤️🏆 (so much love for you. i’m so proud of you. )

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maxemillianv out of office

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maxemillianv happy holidays 🎄

victoriaverstappen just friends? 😉

It’s funny, the way Max is. He’s blunt all the time, but this is different. A part of you is worried that maybe he’s upset, that perhaps something like this will be the reason you and him stray apart - you can’t imagine it. The thought of being anything but with Max matches your chest tighten, and even though you’d like to think that isn’t the case, you can’t be sure.

The wait for Max to arrive at your house is almost torturous. Your mind is racing, and by the time you hear his car pull up, you’re damn near shaking out of your skin. He doesn’t even have to knock or ring the doorbell - hell, he’s barely out of the car when you open your front door and step outside. You study his body language, trying to determine what exactly to expect. You just can’t clock it. With a sharp inhale, you lock your door and then make your way towards the car.

“Is everything okay?” you ask, uncertainty making your voice waver. “Yes,” Max responds simply. It’s a genuine yes, and in fact, he sounds almost happy. Your brows furrow in confusion as he opens the passenger side door for you, and you genuinely don’t think you could be more puzzled. You press your lips together as he returns to the drivers seat and starts the car again, not waiting to pull out of the driveway.

“Max, you’re scaring me,” you say. Scared isn’t the right word, but it’s something along those lines. His eyes stay on the road, yours are fixed on his face, still trying so desperately to read him. He glances at you, offers a small smile, then reaches over to grab your hand. He intertwined your fingers, assuring you that there’s nothing to worry about. It’s still odd - the whole situation, but that does make you feel more relaxed.

It’s quiet for longer than you’d like it to be. Aside from the radio, which is on a low volume, and the smooth rumble of the vehicle, it’s silent.

Finally, Max speaks. “I’m not worried about the posts,” he says, glancing at you for the second time. You find yourself wishing he could look at you for longer, a weird feeling washing over you as his eyes return to the road. He squeezes your hand subconsciously, his thumb soothing over the back of it. “Seriously?” you almost forgot to respond, but at the last minute, you remember his statement. “Seriously,” Max hums. The smile returns to his lips, and much to your relief, he expounds.

“Sure, it’s not ideal, but at the same time,” he pauses, and you can tell he’s trying to think of how to describe it. He chuckles briefly, “The only way to put it is that it’s made me realize that you’re so much more than a good friend.”

You’re still stumped. Now, you’re realizing that you don’t even know where Max is taking you - not that you’re worried about it, but the whole situation is just so strange, especially for you and Max. Thus, you remain silent, eyes never leaving him. You’re waiting for him to say something else, and he’s waiting for you to respond, assuming that you’d understand what he’s saying. Hes the first to realize that you don’t understand, and amused smile playing on his lips at your confusion. “Hold on, you’ll know what I mean when we get there,” He says, and this is somehow so Max, but not him at all, leaving you to sit silently, at least a million thoughts filling your mind.

Max pulls into a parking lot, and it only takes you a moment to realize you know where you are. You’ve been here with him once before, and you still remember that night so vividly. That was the first - and only - time you had ever questioned your feelings for Max. Any other time, you never had to think about how you felt. You knew you were happy with him, and it was the same for him. You didn’t need to know if you loved him, and he didn’t need to know if he loved you.

Now that the memories are coming back to your mind, it begins to dawn on you, what Max said. Regardless, you stay quiet and let him guide you into the club, hand still in his. He takes you to the very spot you both sat the first night you came here, and this time, rather than an empty booth and table, there’s a large bouquet of white roses sitting atop the table, a small note folded beside them. You aren’t sure what to say, or what to do. Your eyes flicker between the roses, the note, and Max, who carefully pulls you closer, his free hand now resting on the small of your back.

“I’ll give you the choice - you can read the card or I can relay it to you,” he says. You choose what first comes to mind. “Relay it to me.” Max nods, then turns you to face him, his hands on your waist. Instinctively, you place yours on his shoulders. “Will you be my girlfriend?” He asks, and even though you’re certain that his words are the briefest summary of what’s in the card, you can’t be bothered. A smile takes over your expression and you nod. Max smiles too, pulling you into a tight hug.

The rest of the night, you continued on like you would have had he not asked you to be his girlfriend. There was no need for things to be different. In fact, the only thing that would change from here would be the pure admiration you both have always had for one another, and that was perfectly fine with you. Somewhere along the line, a certain friend showed up, and you did eventually read the card.

Safe to say, Max’s recap of the words written in the card were indeed brief. Your heart is happy knowing that only you would see such a soft, loving side of him, and only you would be able to clearly picture your best friend- boyfriend, all mushy as he writes the card.

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maxverstappen1 my ❤️

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landonorris okay i guess we don’t do photo creds anymore 😒

⤷ maxverstappen1 👍📸

ynln so much love for you always. ❤️

⤷ maxverstappen1 ❤️🔄

⤷ formulaverstappen IS THIS HIS WAY OF SAYING THAT BACK TO YN??? THERE ARE REAL TEARS IN MY EYES

victoriaverstappen very ‘just friends’ of you

⤷ maxverstappen1 👀

⤷ mv331lvr YALL EITHER GET THIS OR YOU DONT IM GOING INSANE

ln4nation THE FACT THAT LANDO TOOK THESE AND WAS THERE WITJ THEM IM GAGGED

papayabull YN AND MAX CONFIRMED DATING THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

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Thank you for reading! 🌷

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