#im grateful for the time ive spent by myself bc i got to know who i am again but that also means u dnt know shit abt me

[baccan0pe]

.

#i love how you can be like #i love you and i believe in you and there is nothing stopping you from accomplishing everything you set out to be #but also go fuck yourself i dont have to be there for it #ya hurt me real bad and i know im the one that let it happen but i dont have to be that person anymore #bc i didnt even know who i was in the first place! #you do not know me as well as you think you do and its actually pretty painful when you insist we are close while im over here like #crazy super alone lmfao #im grateful for the time ive spent by myself bc i got to know who i am again but that also means u dnt know shit abt me #you willingly left me Several times #oh man this sounds like a breakup and she never even let me date her (which is actually a Very good thing in retrospect LMAO)

[mittensmorgul]

Note-taking anon again! :D

I am absolutely enjoying the show. It's a bit of a long winded story as to how i finally took the plunge: i knew spn existed, and at some point in 2019 i saw on tumblr that 15 was going to be its last season. Out of respect for the trailblazing it had done in fandom space, i resolved to check-in on the fandom every time it trended.

So, i sort of experienced s15 in a very filtered way. I was there for 'you asked what about this is real? We are' and experienced all of the freakouts, despite not knowing the context. I saw the trap's prayer scene and went ohshit is the fandom okay? Are people okay? The answer was no but people usually weren't okay ahah 😂

And i honestly forgot about the show bc it hadnt trended in so long, and then November 5th happened. And i went to check in on the fandom. And they were Not okay in the best way possible.

I resolved to actually watch the show bc i needed to know how we got there. After years of fan support for destiel i was like i have to know the truth.

Spn is not a show i would normally turn to. I'm not a horror fan--ive never seen a horror movie. This is the only horror i've ever watched. I'm also not in the target audience. But it was such a Concept that i just had to.

And its been so much fun.

Ive spent hours watching and meticulously notetaking. I dont think i'd've enjoyed the show as much if i wasn't doing my notes. It makes me pay attention to all the layers and nuance--intentional or otherwise. Spn loves to introduce a concept and then disappear into the night saying 'now we dont have time to unpack all of that' while im sat there reeling in the implications.

I originally wanted to watch for cas, but i found myself invested in sam and dean as well. I figured the first 3 seasons were going to be the hardest for me as there was no cas, but they were able to explore some fascinating smaller stories. Some personal favourites would be Hellhouse, Heart, Roadkill, What is and What should Never be, and Dream a little Dream of me. Sam and dean are compelling characters, and if you skip those seasons you really miss out on what makes them, them.

As well, ive fully accepted that the finale is not canon so i'm also able to enjoy the show that way too. I actually took notes on november 19th, watching the finale live, despite not knowing what was going on, and now that ive seen half the show, its kind of crazy to look back on.

Anyway, this is getting long!

I think i am grateful to have all of the context in place for me. It is significantly less stressful to know the entire time. It also gives validation for reading scenes in certain ways. (Not that validation is required, but it is nice) I don't think i would have been able to handle the bereavement from everywhere for simply perceiving what is clearly being told in the text. Now that ive seen half the show, i have a huge amount of respect for everyone who endured the journey.

OH gosh, I’m really happy for you! 

And thank you for watching the first three seasons! I hear of a lot of people who started at 4.01 because they were most interested in Cas as a character, and I think later seasons lose so much by not having seen the first three seasons of Sam and especially Dean’s growth up to that point.

I have to laugh at the notion of watching the series finale without having seen any of the show and feeling like you didn’t know what was going on, because lol I’ve been watching for a decade and *I* had no idea what was going on. So at least you were in the same headspace as we were for that one. :’D

I hope you continue enjoying it, and sharing your notes occasionally. :)

#nice things people say #i don't really have a tag for this so i'm gonna make one hmmmm #post finale viewer experience #Anonymous

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

#phew #old mutuals im on twtr! keep in contact with me there!

[fuzzyprofessorclodmonger]

so heres my story one ive avoided dealing with for forever bc i guess i just didnt know how to deal with it tg i know more about my condition so i can help myself these days.i think i was born from a drug addict mother that used drugs when she was carrying me ,i dont say that to receive sympathy but to let you all know what im dealing with bc hey writing is therapuetic right.so back to my story.with this i beleive i was kinda born with a brain that was not too healthy maybe brain damage .so i started out just totally screwed up in the head on top of that i was diagnosed with mental illness at about ten so thats multiple strikes against me in life.as i got older and even as a young man i got into drugs and i know now i was self medicating.drugs make you feel better right and at the time if your feeling the way i used to feel its a welcome escape.anything to get away from all the pain right.as i got older i got into heavier stuff like meth and coke ,did some pills.i never knew how to feel about things i can remember graduating from military boot camp and my people coming to see me and i was just like out of it,could barely speak,and hey i was in the military like that its safe to say they didnt give a shit about how i was doing and that just has been the way it has been most of my life with the exception of a few awesome people like a few of my teachers at my schools like elementary and junior high.and also as i got older this place i used to go to called hill country helped alot great set up with support groups and individual therapy for people with mental illness and people who just need help sorting thru things.i spent alot of time in space people and i feel like i have woken up from a bad trip or something so things about life are kinda new to me because i was so catatonic for most of my life.these days i have a decent support system new hope and can be happy and grateful for having woken up to this reality we call life.still having problems feeling the way i feel like i dont know how to sometimes and im working on that,like just expressing myself better,and writing is a great way for me to do just that.so i want to say if you feel lost or dont feel like you have any hope trust me if i can do it you can too.just takes work.

[lebannabell]

now for some dnd asks for you!!!! 5, 8, 11, 15

dnd ask meme!~send me qs!~

5. What is your best dice set? I love All My Dice but my first set (chessix blue-green gemini) are probably my most blessed set, they roll high (mostly [that one time i rolled a 3,2, then 3 to climb a tree is still frustrating]) but also they were my first set and a gift and they always remind me of my first character and when I first started playing - which was a really important thing to me because it was something that brought me a lot of joy in a time i was seriously lacking it;;; anygay this got sentimental but those r probably my Best set (but fr tho i love all my dice so much theyre all Significant to me)

8. What does your dream dice set look like? This is a super hard question bc i dont think theres really One Set that would be like my Ideal set? Theres so many options out there and im very weak for a lot of them ( but gods i wish i could get my hands on those kraken cotton candy dice [im gon buy some kraken dice soon but those were limited edition so i guess ill die]) 

11. Have you ever rolled a natural 1? What happened? i have rolled so many nat 1s……. the dice goes into dice jail and is shamed for its villiany.. i trip and shoot myself in the foot instead of the enemy;; Bad Things Happen

15. What is your characters background story? I have seven characters that I play/have played and i know imma write an wild amount so im gonna put this under a cut!

Wren, elf rogue - Mines of Phandelver Wren was raised a member of the high elf House of Naïlo, but as a young girl grew tired of trying to garner the attention of parents who simply didn’t care about their daughter except as a prop for conversation. At the equivalent human age of 15, she ran away from home and made a new life for herself on the streets of Neverwinter. Wren spent the next several decades making her name as a criminal, and honing her skills in thievery, until she picked up a job at the local tavern that led her to her Biggest Adventure(god im so sentimental abt wren she really derailed shit and was such a dick but she was so fun i love her)

Eldan Caridalas, half elf sorcerer - Storm About To BreakEldan grew up in a small village, and went by his child name of Taryn (meaning thunder, inspired by his Wild Magic). He lived a happy childhood, with admittedly, some strange moments brought on by his unpredictable magic, but he got through any difficulties with his best friend and essentially soulmate, Alcea (played by another player in the group! shoutout to ash for working w me to make these beautiful kids lmao). When Eldan was around 14, he had another surge of wild magic,  but this one was far worse than all the others had been (when i was workshopping this with ash and dint know what exactly it was going to be yet we called it “The Big Bad”) - He had been speaking with alceas mother when all of a sudden an intense bolt of fire sprung from him, melting the skin off his left arm, and fatally wounding alceas mother. Eldan, unable to cope with what his supposed gift had done, fled the village without a word to anyone, and spent the next 14 years travelling the land, searching for a way to try and control his magic, to avoid hurting anyone ever again. Eldan eventually found his way to the entrance to the unexplored east lands where he ran into his childhood friend once again(eldan was such a Good boy im still sad about what happened to him he deserved better give me #justice for my boy)Reckoning, tiefling monk - one shot run by my friend claudio b4 he moved interstateReckoning was abandoned on the steps of a temple as a baby once her parents saw the devilish heritage in her. She was raised by monks in a temple to The Raven Queen, and she was trained and charged to become an assassin that took down those who went against the natural order of death. She was on her way to one such mission when she ran into a group of strangers in the woods and after promptly finding out one of them was (supposedly) claiming to be a false god, and pushing them into the nearby well, was lassooed and pulled down there with them to deal with the Creature within(will i ever make a not extra character? no.)Ari, human druid, fighter, and rogue (i know) - one shot battle royaleI was originally just going to make a level 15 barbarian for this one shot (rip ragna one day u might get played) but then i was like;; i may as well make the messiest multiclass i can Ari grew up with his older brother as his guardian, but then his brother was killed in a gang accident, and ari had to learn to fend for himself on the street. After many years of struggle, and losing a younger boy he had begun to think of as family, ari sought shelter in the forests, and had just started to discover the magic held within, when he was conscripted into a battle royale for the amusement of The Council Of ChickensRisk, dragonborn barbarian - Uni one shots (lower levels)Risk is aptly named - she’s willing to do most things others would blanch at for the right reward, which is how she ended up in a mercenary business. This is straight up all the backstory i have for risk that ive nailed down ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ shes hard to really conceptualise a good backstory for, esp bc i didnt know the world that the uni DMs had createdTrix, aasimar rogue - Uni one shots (higher levels)Trix practically raised herself, and by the guidance of her angelic counterpart, she was often driven to do things that left no time for friendship. Tired of living a life that wasn’t fully her own, she struck out to the wealthy area of the city to join the Planeswalkers guild, and has since become an initiate with her own housing in their extra planar facility, and does takes the odd mercenary work that comes her way from her new homeZiarda Lionheart, aasimar bard - Storm About To Breakafter what happened with eldan, i wanted to make a lighter, happier character - with a lot less emotional baggage, and so Ziarda was born. Ziarda has always been driven to do the right thing, and not just by her own morals - but those of her angelic guide. Ziarda was raised by a single mother, who taught her not only the value of beauty and joy in making the world a greater place, but also the practical application of music - in fact ziardas flute used to be her mothers. Ziarda left home at 19 on the will of her heavenly advisor, and joined a travelling carnival, where she could spread joy through her performances. She travelled with them for a few years before the travelled to the east to do a show for the soldiers guarding the entrance to relatively unexplored lands, where she was guided to join a band of weary adventurers in their efforts to stop a widespread cult from destroying civilisation. A lot of my characters backstories get more fleshed out the more i play them and have a better idea of what things could have shaped them to be the people they become? but this is their current Pre Adventure Lore

Yeehaw congrats if you made it this far ur insane i wrote so much i love my kids a lot heres a reward for reading all that, or i suppose, for scrolling to the bottom

Anyway thank u anya for givin me the chance to ramble abt my OCs i love them sm and i love You so much and everyday im so grateful that you gave me the opportunity to play this incredible game and to do the dumb cult joining, plan breaking stunts i pull

#dnd #i dont know what to tag this as #answered #personal #uhhhhh #ocs #i guess? never used that tag before but theres no time like the present #anya #bookworm-2692 #locksie.txt

[possibilistfanfiction]

hey jude!!! just read ur last anon abt being nb and wondered if u could talk abt ur own gender experience?

well basically i didnt grow up in a very open household, like rly Zero discussion of gender, so i know i Experienced gender entirely but i played almost exclusively with the boys in my class until probably grade 6 or 7, & at puberty, even tho i was a better athlete than most boys in my class still, i started hanging out with girls more, at recess, etc. i was always into androgyny, even if i had no idea (& i didn’t) what that was��i liked some femme things, absolutely, but i wanted nothing to do w skirts or pretty shoes. i wanted to be in adidas running sneakers 24/7 if i could help it, & i wore a uniform to school w the option of a skirt/pants, & im p sure i always wore pants. at the time this, to me, seemed more functional, & it was, but it was also, as i can understand now, something that made me feel Less like a girl, although not at all like a boy.

when i was older, 12, 13, 14, my parents wanted me to dress nicer, & i was v much into like american eagle shit, although by mid hs i was into some vintage stuff. one rly big odd style influence for me was mia wasikowksa in this weird movie called restless bc it was this v soft femme androgyny & i think for me this kind of gender expression became very important to see & understand. it wasn’t that she didn’t look like a girl, or that she wasn’t a girl, but she also sometimes looked like a boy, or wore boys clothes, but she wasn’t butch. idk this movie sent me for a loop honestly lol. 

& obviously my understanding of gender expression didn’t correlate (& doesn’t correlate!) w so many gender identities, & “passing” is extremely harmful as a notion, etc. but when i was younger my understanding of gender & sexuality was very limited & began to expand when i saw very femme but still andro ppl, even tho i couldn’t articulate it at the time. 

when i was a teenager i knew i didnt want to rly have a single thing to do w any boy, which made me sure i was a lesbian bc thats the only narrative i’d rly known abt queerness, or queer women, or even queer ppl who presented as femme. there werent any out lesbians at my school (no fucking way), & the only out queer kid at all was a white gay guy a year older than me, who was popular in the way white gay boys can be popular in high school. but i read voraciously, was fascinated by the crossdressing in shakespeare (paris in the merchant of venice was a particular fixation of mine?) & anyway. i knew i was queer, i knew i liked girls, & i knew i was outrageously uncomfortable w my body, particularly my breasts. for a long time i thought this was because i was ashamed of my sexuality, when i came to sort of understand that, but ofc now i know abt dysmorphia & dysphoria, so yknow. knowledge.

when i went to college i came out big time, & it became very important to me to both be queer & look sort of queer but not queer enough to be Queer—i wanted ppl to be like ‘maybe into girls, but maybe straight.’ as im sure many of us know, this was a lot of internalized shame abt a lot of things, so that sucks. however, i cut my hair which was like the first comfortable thing i had done for my appearance in a v long time, & also smth which my parents hated & i did anyway. i wore a Lot of rly femme stuff bc they hated it tho? so this was all v confusing for me bc my parents are v homophobic, & here i was in college starting to read queer theory & gender theory & falling in love w like. the most beautiful, brilliant girl, & also spiraling into a mixed episode after i got diagnosed w bipolar I, which sort of put everything else on the backburner for a year. 

eventually tho i sorted that out (as much as u can sort smth like that out) & i started to rly pay attention to androgyny. i went to europe & i think theres a whole bunch of nuances to fashion that exist there that certainly arent here, & i spent a winter in warsaw so there were aspects to fashion & expression there that were entirely abt functionality, which i was v attracted to. in college, as well, & especially after college, gender became smth i was v much invested in bc i was (& absolutely am) a feminist, so my place in the canon & zeitgeist was one as a queer female writer. it was so so central to who i was, & what i was writing abt. every single thing i wrote in college was in some way a balm, some sort of piece abt myself, learning abt trauma & the body. sorting through a lot of hurt. i could write a theory piece abt elizabeth bishop & reading it back now i know it was also abt me, that kinda stuff.

when i went to toronto i rly rly started being invested in looking critically at gender & my experience of it bc being read as a woman was smth that was grating on me, even tho i had identified as woman for so long, & had no desire at all to transition. i know 100% i am not a trans man, so that was confusing for a long time because i sort of knew there was a space between but it was very hard to conceptualize. eventually i sort of came to understand gender is a color wheel where cis boys are blue & cis women are pink & then theres literally a ton of other colors out there, so yknow. lots of different experiences of gender. some days i feel much more strongly like i identify w women (in mostly political situations, it matters to me to be read as “female” sometimes bc rights for ppl w vaginas AND trans women are FUCKED UP in so many places). some days i hate the idea of identifying as a woman. i also never want to identify as a man. so when i was in toronto i rly started to know a LOT of queer ppl w so many different expressions of gender. & we were all young & lovely & open & fucked up & we would get fucked up but we would also go read together in the park & wander around alleys in the snow & like. there’s a Muchness to toronto that i experienced that helped me, personally, understand these intersections between my own sexuality & gender & expression as much more than just a gay woman who isn’t butch & isn’t femme. i was rly lucky to become part of a community that identified as Queer, & so i became v much understanding of these different aspects of my own identity that fell outside of binary—my sexuality, my gender. Queerness is a vital & profound thing to me & i was rly able (& so fortunate) to have a close friend group of mostly queer ppl & then a few of the actual literally most incredible allies i’ve ever known & will ever know. 

so then from there i just rly kinda thought abt things & like i got a binder & stuff in TO but rly started to evaluate my dysmorphia & dysphoria (i had struggled really badly w an eating disorder in/post college) & was able to sort out that so much of it had to do w feeling uncomfortable in the way my body was read in the world. & that will always happen bc i LOVE makeup & i have a “feminine” voice & sometimes i love skirts & i shave my legs bc i like how it feels sometimes & i dont ever want to go on T—none of these things make anyone ANY gender, but ofc theyre coded as “female.” but i’m learning to just yknow educate where i can & take a lot of solace in the community of ppl i have fostered who support & understand my Being. i’ve also allowed myself to be invested in aesthetics & fashion & how much a role that plays bc like. yah fuck Yah i look cool shit bc my friends love it & absolutely i wanna wear the same vans maia mitchell has & i want a melodrama hoodie & i LOVE local toronto designers & their angsty patches abt sad songs & whiskey but i love fashion born out of histories that is connected to smth i can understand, like queer punk movements, or smth my friends & i share, like blundstones (which are gender neutral, which is cool). i’m fascinated in how ppl express their Selves, & we are so unfortunately Finite in our bodies in the sense that that’s rly how the world, in our day to day interactions, processes who & what we are. so i invest in the care of mine by trying to listen to it, trying to make it comfortable—& clothing is a huge thing that can do that. also its fun so anyone who thinks loving (ethical, cool) fashion is vain can eat my ass

anyway lmao now i have a p decent sense, atm at least, of what makes my body its most comfortable (even if that is v far from Comfortable at times). i love my tattoos, & i basically never rly want long hair again i’m p sure, & i love makeup, & if i could wear vans or blundstones every day for the entirety of my life at this point that would be incredible. those are easy things, & i try to allow my body, in its cultural place, to have access to them as much as possible, which is so important to me in a sense of having access to a physical space that matches my mental space of gender identity. politically sometimes i feel v v much a “woman” in terms of my lived experience, & i allow that of myself as well. sometimes when i write it’s important to me that my poetry be read as a queer person but also someone who is culturally coded as a woman, bc those are still always central concerns of my work—the trauma, the power there. but day to day i’m mostly happy spending my time obsessing over other things, like what to call this new genre of music halsey & lorde are making, or why my dog stevie is a Fanatic when it comes to ice cubes. ive come to enough terms w my gender, & my sexuality—& the expression thereof—that unless someone is talking abt gender, or someone asks me a question, it’s not smth that is constantly on my mind, which is. Nice. its so nice lol. 

also i would like to point out that i know my experience being non binary is rly rly white & western in so many ways & i get that. my cultural experience of non binary gender is also v much this like. ive felt frustrated before but never in my life have i felt scared to be non-binary while i was like out & abt in the world, bc i still pass as a cis white woman literally everywhere all the time (which has its pros & cons but like, still, a lot of privilege). so i do try to keep all of that in mind as well when i try to center myself & all that jazz

& who tf knows where all of that will take me. i feel like, bc ive learned to listen to my body & my brain so much better than i did when i was younger—even when they might hate themselves—i am so much better at filling up a space in the world that occupies smth healthy. which is not smth i take lightly, & i’m also so open to changes, as long as they feel good & beneficial & true. which is sort of new for me. who knows man ur mid twenties are a wild ride 

[lasiiurus-archived]

thank you !

^^ dis gif isn't mine. but that's totally my face.

Here it is! This is my big dumb 'thank-you' post that I've been meaning to write. So if you weren't aware, I've actually closed this blog (aside from some random posts about Logan and a Batman Podcast - you should listen to it) due to some major, major problems with the DC fandom that I find toxic and quite frankly disgusting. But das stuff that sadly I can't change so I'm doing what's best for me and getting my ass outta here before my love for Batman is forever ruined by blind and immature fanboys.

i started writing bryce around about 2015. My first blog was called surgitisms but I changed it because someone made some burnbook callout about me copying someones url (I had no idea that blog existed rofl - surgit is latin for 'rise'). I then moved to rageinyourbones (shoutouts to joseph gordon levitt) where i spent most of my time, developing this character that wasn't even my idea - it was just a passing remark from a lovely actress by the name of Natalie Dormer. now as you're aware (and as i continually apologize for) i fucked up on that blog, and i've done my best to reach out and make amends with the people i offended (and they were super gracious and accepted my apology). but that negative bollocks aside, i grew up so much on that blog. i learned some amazing things about myself, i learned some bad things about myself, and most importantly i created a character that i personally believe is different to bruce wayne. i ended up headcannoning late at night, thinking about how she would act differently to bruce, about how she would interact with certain characters etc etc etc.

but what really made all the difference was the people i met.

you guys are fucking amazing. i mean lets be real - the tumblr rp community can be fucked sometimes. we've all seen it, but what i love is that we tend to (80% of the time) treat each other as real human beings and see that what we're really here for is just the love of these dumb fictional characters. they give us a break from the savagery of life and its endless woes. i am so, so so grateful and so so so blessed to have known the people i have on here. people whom i met on rageinyourbones and followed me across to here, and people whom i met here. holy bollocks im rambling - im just gonna tag some specific people who really really made my life on here so enjoyable. the rest i'll just lump into one big post because i'm lazy like that.

@fracturedportrait - harmony. i remember meeting you the first time. i remember it so clearly. you were so chill, so spunky (god i feel old using that word), and you had such a passion for your oc. i remember the first plot we had, the inspiration we shared... who knew that it was the beginning of my greatest friendship and my #1 OTP for bryce. you were the first person whom i ever actually spoke to off tumblr (remember when i called you?? and you heard my dumb aussie accent??). i remember legitimately getting teary over memes, i remember smiling so much during our threads, i remember (and still do) laugh about us talking about how our sin is like a lovely vintage of wine. your writing consistently, unimaginably, pushes and has pushed me to better mine. with every post you made, you helped improve my writing. you are such a blessing to me and i am not going to just let this stay as some dumb tumblr friendship. we'll face time, and i'll be sure to credit you when i'm on the red carpet with natalie dormer being like 'so what made you want to write this film about a female batman?'. i'll just be like 'yo there was this really cool chick who wrote a vampire and she told me to just write this film'.

@halysborn - SWAN. ho man. do you remember when i wrote that giant meta about how dick literally changed not just bryce's life, but bruce's? i firmly believe that dick is the most important character in bruce's life. and i mean i'm talking on the same level as alfred - even more. he's the TRUE son. the son whom saved him. like i just cry about how bruce says that line - 'sometimes i think i've never done any good in my life. then i look at dick and realize i'm wrong' or whatever that actual phrase is. i PHYSICALLY VOM WHEN PEOPLE SHIP THEM. but yo that's other stuff. what's important is that you have supported me selflessly and without strings. you've supported me here, you've supported me over on deshibcsara, you've just been a consistent rock, an unyielding foundation of encouragement. i still, and will NEVER delete that voice recording where you talk about me and my love for batman. it gives me such hope and reminds me that, yeah i fuck up, but i've at least affected someone else's life and how they see batman. my only regret is that i was so goddamn slow with replying to our stuff. and that was literally because i felt like you deserved nothing but my absolute best. you are incredible, and from one aussie to another, i love you brocookie!

@femmekill - could u pls stop spamming my facebook wall with memes?? SIKE I LIED. I FUCKING LOVE IT. my mum literally asked me the other night 'who is -insert your real name-?' and i was like 'oh thats my wife' and she was like '???' and i just said 'dont even BOTHER trying to understand'. you have been nothing but optimistic about me. you consistently, relentlessly see the good in me. i dont think there's ever been a time where like i've felt wronged by you? or at the very least felt like i was a burden to you? you never fail to spread positivity. even when you were feeling like shit and i tried to cheer you up, it's like you turned it on me and were like 'nah gus you're not cheering me up IM CHEERING YOU UP - thats how it works'. im so fucking whipped by you, because you're just such a blessing to my life. the day we shared FB's was like the day i realized 'WELP IM IN THIS MARRIAGE FOR LIFE NOW'. when it comes to your writing - i'm just breathless. the tumblr rp fandom does not deserve you. keep doing your thing man - don't ever let douchebag anons change that.

@marblebelow - I SINCERELY HOPE YOU STILL HAVE THE RECORDING OF ME SINGING 'THE CONFRONTATION'. especially with the 'DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUN'. that shit is lit. yo but mikel really. the days of us writing together - writing fisk/bryce and then writing jim/bryce... i value it so much. you've taught me to pursue every little nuance in bryce's character. and i mean that - you ask me tiny little questions, and holy crap i end up going into a massive internal investigation. and worst of all (or best??) you jsut lavish me with genuine, kind words. i regret that we didnt get to write much more (both of us having major stress/overwhelmed issues), but dude, like, never stop being you - you have such overwhelming, unimaginable depths of creativity. even if you don't realize it, or feel like you don't, believe me - you do. it sounds like -- errr.... arrogant? but ive spent the last six years studying writing/fiction/film and just immersing myself in it so i feel like i have SOME credibility - you really really do have a gift.

@ivyworn - 'yes hello i'd like to report a murder? the victim is ME' aka this is what happens whenever we talk. so we never actually got to do much writing, but honestly? i literally feel like we did writing in the SPIRIT with all of our tumblr IMs and just the amount of shit talking we did. PUMA. LEST WE FORGET. PUMA. no but real talk, i was supposed to send you a birthday gift aka im still gonna get my ass onto paypal and do that SO DONT YOU LEAVE YOUR BLOG. AND YOU CANNOT SAY NO. i've never met anyone whom has such an in-depth love and understanding for ivy. i remember chatting about Cast Shadows with you and the level of complexitity between Batman and Ivy. i mentioned this but Batman/Ivy is literally my OTP for Bruce. i just think it is such an interesting avenue that no writer (post Cast Shadows) has explored. whenever we spoke, i had such a smile on my face, i cannot even begin to desribe it. i really really hope life goes well for you and treats you with the care and respect you DESERVE.

@psyclownsis @scarestress tags both blogs bc i have no idea where you are these days. so i already recorded that voice meme thing talking about you piri - but i literally just want to further express my admiration and gratitude for you. you've stuck by me, you've pulled me aside and been like 'oi gus you're being a douche stop it', and you've just supported me and taken such an interest in this dumb character i write that literally just blows me away. the fact that we barely write but i still feel so close to you and so valued by you is just a testament to the power of tumblr rp friendships. we don't NEED to write together to be friends and to respect and admire each other. AND LORD KNOWS i admire you. i admire your dedication, i admire your 'idgaf' attitude. and honestly i just admire your unrelenting loyalty to people.

because i've literally written an essay - the rest of these tags are people that i admire and love, even if we haven't had much chance to interact.

@agoodluthor | @gunkanjiima | @grincarved | @terrifiesthem | @tcmbraider | @truthpiety | @influencedbyfear | @inexactexpiration | @aftcrshocks | @fallencomrade | @geniusfuturist | @mangledgrin | @shewolveriine | @tragicloss | @unleashedjustice | @volchista | @widowscars 

#long post for ts #im gonna turn anon on just for these last few days #just in case you wanted to share something and you were like 'nah dont wanna do it publicly' #but yo if you send douchey stuff im just gonna brush you off because i aint got time for dat #anyways I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS

[wiltking]

1 hi wilt. im starting university soon and everyones so excited but im trans and im dreading it more than anything. im trying to get inclusive housing but theyre not making it easy and i realized im going to have to debate with them on the phone several times in order to even begin to convince them to do this. and they still might not. i have crippling phone anxiety, i get choked up making phone calls to ask store hours so idk how ill do this. and on top of that in order to get inclusive (cont)

housing and to get my name/gender changed in the records i need my parents permission, parents who have been denying my gender for years despite me explicitly telling them im trans over and over. and hrt doesnt look like its gonna happen anytime in the next couple of years. im such a wreck and i really just dont want to deal with this. society makes being trans so fucking hard like it just punishes us even though we didnt do anything wrong. anyway i just wanted to let you know that your blog makes me feel better bc it lets me know that im not the only one fighting the system. sometimes society almost convinces me that im being stupid and ridiculously demanding and i should just give in and kill myself bc im not obviously not wanted. but then i remember that people like you are out there. its comforting to know that not everyone hates me just because of who i am. and your art is so incredible and i love the representation and trans positivity. it has inspired me to make my own trans ocs and i found that it really helped make things more bearable to have characters like me to write and draw and dream about. keep up the good work and i hope one day things work out for the both of us. i apologize for being long winded and venting, i just wanted to get my feelings out and let you know how grateful i am for the work you put into this community

hi anon, sorry for taking a little while to reply. this just hit me in a number of ways and i didnt know what to say. ive definitely heard horror stories about universities disrespecting trans students. it really does suck. i hope you wont be the first trans person thats requested housing and they have some experience with it... but if they continue to refuse, maybe you can make a fuss about it. file some kind of complaint. because you deserve better. sometimes it works, sometimes not. maybe you’ll be able to pave the way to make things better for trans students who come after you. 

i dont have much experience with that kind of thing though. i was out when i went to college but.. quietly. instead of requesting a name change on the records i would email my professors and request to use my correct name in their classes. it wasnt ideal but it was all i was brave enough to do at the time. because ive had so many horrible experiences with telling people im trans, i automatically assume bad things will happen. but i think ive already experienced the worst possible things from my home life, so now im somewhat jaded. and have the ability to be way more assertive. because whats the worst that can happen? something ive already lived through and survived? bring it on. it awful but i know i can deal with it. 

and yknow, sometimes people are decent. yesterday i got my name changed on my drivers license and the nice lady at the dmv told me what i had to do to change my gender marker (even though i told her i wasnt doing that yet). so i think not all hope is lost for us folks. its true i feel hopeless 98% of the time but i think its always worth it to try our best. sometimes that means taking matters into your own hands and demanding certain treatment, and other times it means gritting your teeth and putting up with a bad situation for a few years. i wish i had more positive things to say here but it sounds like you know how ive been through the wringer. im wishing you all the best with your university situation though. let me know how it goes? i also have atrocious phone anxiety and have to call my insurance tomorrow about covering my transition this year so we’ll both be suffering :’)

ive heard trans people on hrt say that the time spent pre-hrt will seem like nothing once you get the goods, and i find that hard to believe. ive known hrt was right for me since i was 14/15 and i still wont be on it by the time im 20. the only upside to having to wait so long is that my need for it is absolutely solidified. my mom has fed doubt into my head for these entire 5 years but the jokes on her i still want it! and im getting it this year no matter what! the #1 thing that really got me through to this point was focusing on my own completed goals, no matter how small. things like buying my first pair of men’s pants, telling a friend i was trans for the first time, requesting hrt from my doc when i was like 16 (i got turned down, but the point is i tried), and every time i stand up for myself is a victory. i wont lie to you, its extremely shitty to have to wait so long for treatment, but there are still little things you can do. 

im also super glad youre making trans ocs!! thats absolutely my #1 way to cope and process gender shit. its literally like therapy for me. really glad to know its helping you too. sorry this got so long; last thing i want to say is that anything bad or difficult that happens to you will make you stronger. 

#and thank you so much for your kind words at the end of your message #long post #anon #ask wilt

[frop]

do all of them you mother fucker

not Once but Twice u have done this to m 

Star Platinum – Your thoughts on the stars? i always did like then when i was younger but now they just make me think of jojo so now i especially like them 

Magician’s Red – Do you know any magic tricks? no but im gonna say what u said and i can bend my fingers waay way farther than most people

Hermit Purple – Show a photo of yourself! I HAVENT taken a selfie in forever i’ll do one later 

Silver Chariot (Requiem) – How much sleep do you need on average? i would love a good 10+ but i only get that much on saturday now boo but on average its like 6-7 

The Fool – Tell us a joke! Is your refrigerator running? Because i’m gonna suck your dick

The World -  A place you want to visit? canada like you would not believe 

Crazy Diamond – What do you treasure the most? hmmmmmmm my friendships with my friends 

The Hand – Do you like your hands? nnnot particularly bc i spent a good portion of my life and still do sometimes where i bit my nails til they bleed so they dont look as nice as i’d like them to be when they grow out 

Echoes – Your favourite sound? The world’s time stop sound, but not jotaro’s version, dio’s specifically

Heaven’s Door – Share a secret! my parents’ divorce has made me scared for the future of my own relationships to the point where i can see myself not ever wanting to be in a relationship ever again bc it would be easier than my partner getting tired of me or hating me. on top of the fact that i’m almost exactly like my father and my mom’s ex fiance in every single emotional department which is what caused their divorce/breakup respectively in the first place and that leads me to believe that in the long run i am Romantically  Unlovable 

Killer Queen – How would you like to die? preferably quick and painless 

Bad Company – What kind of character trades do you dislike? any character that is like ‘waahh wah no one understands me bc i enjoy [’highly advanced’ niche series/book/etc] and they all read [popular series/book/etc] like whatever the fuck his name was in aku no hana, it got so obnoxious i had to drop it lmao 

Red Hot Chili Pepper – Can you handle spicy food? cat’s out of the bag guys im actually a Fake Mexican bc i only like mild stuff and hot chips 

The Lock – Anything you feel guilty about right now? ya but thats for another day 

Love Deluxe – Are you secretly in love with someone right now? its absolutely no secret that i am in love with jonathan joestar 

Pearl Jam – Your signature dish? i can make some mean ass rice apparently 

Achtung Baby – Do you want kids? nnnope no thanks never ever i have my cat and thats enough for me 

Harvest – Do you pick up coins in from the street? no bc u dont know where thats been and money is super dirty already 

Cinderella – Which part of your body do you like the most? dang, i guess my thighs? but lately i’ve been a lot easier on myself abt my stomach and how soft it is 

Atom Heart Father – How is your relationship with your father? pretty good bc we’re really alike in temperament too but sometimes it gets pretty awkward bc he can never see me as anything but his little baby daughter who Never Grows Up

Enigma – What is puzzling you currently? when is davidpro gonna drop the part 5 teaser 

Earth Wind and Fire – What’s the best classical element? i personally have always liked fire 

Stray Cat – Cats or dogs? i love both but man im more suited for cats 

Gold Experience – A precious experience you have not shared with your followers? oh man over this summer my dad his gf and me and my sis when on a trip to her dad’s place in this really small town that was like 3 hours away from our city and it was so nice and quiet and peaceful and i felt so clean and happy there, we were only there for a couple days but ever since i’ve really been wanting to go back

Sticky Fingers – Zippers or buttons? zippers are so much faster but they get caught sometimes so Really, pros and cons of each 

Moody Blues – A song that makes you sad? OOO man i was gonna say epitaph bc Of Course but as i was writing this down melancholy man by moody blues came up on this playlist and now im thinkin abt abba and crying 

Sex Pistols – Have you ever shot a gun or riffle? no im tiny and a weenie and i would probably die from the recoil

Aerosmith – Are you afraid of flights? ive never been on one but i am scared of heights so i cant imagine thats any better 

Purple Haze – What makes you really angry? it used to be not being listened to but now i just let it happen bc Why bother but now its more whenever my mom makes a big deal out of simple mistakes of waiters/waitresses or when shes being obviously racist 

Spice Girl – Your favourite spice? idk what its called but theres this one i like to put on fruit before i eat it to make it Spicy 

King Crimson – Is it possible to predict the future? man idk my mom says yea but who knows 

Black Sabbath – How easily do you trust people? like stupidly easy 

Man in the Mirror – Do you like looking into the mirror? nope lol im ugl. ALSO bc i have a bigger than average fear of reflective stuff in general bc what if i see somethign behind me u kno,,,, 

Beach Boy – Have you ever been fishing? nope! the one time my dad went that i knew abt i was in mexico 

The Grateful Dead – What do you want to be remembered for? honestly, anything else that being the ‘way too nice one’ or the doormat 

White Album – Your favourite CD? aaaaa i dont have one i dont really listen to albums 

Talking Head – Are you a good liar? i guess ? i can keep a pretty straight face but its harder to lie to someone i actually know really well bc they can probably tell what my tics are 

Baby Face – Your thought on babies? theyre cute but i would greatly prefer to never have any 

Metallica – Do you like listening to metal? yea

Green Day – Ideal way to spend a day off? sleep, Sleep, stream with friends and lay in bed

Oasis – Best place for a holiday? hhhhh anyplace that relaxes u tbh 

Stone Free – Are you a indoor or outdoor person? i n d o o r i dont like bugs 

Kiss – Who would you like to kiss or get a kiss from? jonathan joest

Burning Down the House – Ever destroyed something and then regretted it? nah, once again im a weenie and im too worried abt consequences to ever do smth like that

Foo Fighters – Your favourite drink? god damn i fucking love raspberry iced tea 

Diverdown – Your thoughts on diving? the ocean fills me with the fear of god. no thanks 

C-Moon – What would you do for your friend’s sake? put myself in bodly harm 

MadeinHeaven – What do you believe happens after you died? nothing tbh you just end up in a grave or urn or wherever u wanted to be put 

Weather Report – Your favourite weather? man i looove love stormy weather 

Whitesnake – Your thoughts on snakes/reptiles? i love them theyre all gorgeous and beautiful

Tusk – Tea or coffee? coffee

Ball Breaker – Your favourite ball game? to play? its basket ball but to watch baseball 

Oh! Lonesome Me – Do you feel lonely right now? no not right now but im sure it’ll happen soon 

Scary Monsters – Your favourite dinosaur? i love velociraptors and also triceratops !!

Cream Starter – Do you usually wear make up? nope and if i do its only ever lipstick

Catch the Rainbow – Your favourite colour in the rainbow? blue and green!! 

Ticket to Ride – What was the last ticket you bought for? i didnt buy it but the last one i had was for the rogue one like. 2 weeks ago

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap – Do you believe in the multiverse? i dont think abt it too often but sure

In a Silent Way – Do you enjoy complete silence? yes!! besides some music, i cant concentrate otherwise 

Soft & Wet – Shower or bath? shower bc its easier but i havent taken a bath in forever 

Paisley Park – How good are you with reading maps/directions? Terrible God Awful

Nut King Call – How good are you at assembling/constructing things like Ikea furniture? hmm it depends if i have the manual for it and if i have time to really think on it and im not in a rush or anything

Paper Moon King – Can you do any origami? nope 

King Nothing – Your favourite smell? i really like the smell of cinnamon 

BornThisWay – A strange habit you have? i crack my fingers all the damn time and i like to take off the little plastic circle off of soda bottles and chew on it 

Les Feulies – Your favourite plant? oh damn hmm i like lavenders 

Fun Fun Fun – Something you really enjoy doing? man. i could watch jojo a million times over and i’d never get bored of it 

California King Bed – What size is your bed? currently i sleep in a queen size bc my mom and sis and i share a bed bc we only had one room in our old apartment but now that we moved im sure i’ll be kicked off into a twin soon enough 

JESUS christ ok its almost midnight i hope ur happy you mother fuckre 

#asks #i didnt think it would take this long oh my fodgtrgwrgf #filmgold

[shecapturedfeeling]

dude. ok. this is exactly what I mean.

back when the trailer for bohemian rhapsody first came out, I was super excited and just made a random post on social media saying “someone come watch this with me it looks so good.” I didnt rlly get any response but it was fine bc I just wanted to express my excitement.

then the movie comes out, and one of my rlly good guy friends works at the theatre so he can bring friends in for free. I literally listen to this guy rant all the time and we’re rlly close, so im like, he probably wouldn't mind doing me a favor and bringing me in since this movie just means a lot to me, right? but he ends up not having any time and finally I just felt so bad about bothering him so much about it that I stopped asking.

so then one weekend he ends up going to see the movie with a bunch of guy friends (some of which are my friends too). and I was out of town and I was like...wow. I mean ik he didnt purposely go just bc I wasn't there and that was prolly his free weekend and I happened to not be home but whatever. I wasn't rlly sad about him not bringing me, I was sad about not getting to see the movie. also, that group never did get to see the movie bc the theatre was filled up so they ended up watching something else.

anyway, one of the guys in that group is my best friends boyfriend. I basically set them up, since this guy (who's also my friend) had a crush on her and came up to me and I literally stayed up all night for 2+ weeks during the summer and spent so many hours just giving advice. I literally TOLD him the things to say and text to her. I gave him the idea for getting her a blanket for her birthday, forcing me to come up with another idea for my own gift for her. he used MY reasoning for the gift to explain why he got it, and she treats this blanket like its her favorite object. I was the one who ordered the present online for him, because he asked me to, because he didnt want his mom to question it. Even though it meant my mom asked me why I was spending so much money on her gifts. even though I had to go through the effort and I had to wrap the present and bring it to school. 

so after they went to watch the movie (but ended up watching something else), my friend is all “I want to watch bohemian rhapsody!!” which is so FUNNY bc every time I mentioned it before she’d roll her eyes and act annoyed and she NEVER listened to queen or expressed a modicum of interest before then, never sang along to bohemian rhapsody with the rest of us. but ok.

a few months later, bohemian rhapsody is out of theatres. the guys did end up seeing it, and they’re all obsessed with queen now, even though before half of them didnt know anything about them. its fine bc this is true of like half the teenage population who now professes to be huge fans of queen. I mean like, its fine, queen deserves it. and now there's people to discuss queen with so yay I guess. I never did get to see it in theatres which was sad, but I knew I could just find it online although it wouldn't be the same experience.

so then there’s another of my really good friends, a beautiful, talented, nice, perfect friend whom everyone likes. one of our guy friends who went to see the movie had a giant crush on her. I was the first person he told and he said not to tell anyone else so I didnt, but then he ended up telling a billion people and the situation got out of hand and uncomfortable for the girl, and I sat there giving him endless advice. (I also gave him advice during the times the three of us--sometimes 4, when the movie theatre friend was there--were face timing about the blanket guy trying to date my best friend.) I’ve had so many late night chats with this guy, talking to him, listening to his rants, spent so many hours trying to convince him to go to prom and ask this perfect friend to prom. I helped him with his promposal, came up with the majority of the logistics for his promposal, and stayed up with him while he made it. he’s sent me personal thoughts he hasn't shared with anyone else. I also comforted him when he lost someone recently and he said “thanks for being a really good friend and always being there for me” and after that has proceeded to treat me worse than he treats this perfect girl and my best friend. like, he’s always there to comfort my best friend, he always responds to her messages and addresses her in group chats. same with the perfect friend, he wants to go to her dance recital and stuff and is trying to persuade others to go too. I mean, I can understand it, bc not only are they both really pretty and accomplished, thus deserving of appreciation and kindness and friendship, he actually has reason to like them bc ofc he had a crush on this perfect friend and my best friend is HIS best friend’s girlfriend. but still, he’s been one of the few people to say that im a good friend so I thought he actually appreciated having me there as a friend and I kinda expected him to treat me as well as he treats them?? but guess not. and this perfect friend, I love her, and she's so nice to me, and were closer than I am with a lot of other people in our friend group. we have classes together and we can rant about stuff and I dont have to act like everythings fine around her (although Ive never expressed my actual sadness and depression to her bc her life is just so perfect, so she doesn’t actually know anything beyond the surface, but what I mean is that we can actually talk about deeper issues about the world and stuff). I love her but she is SO concerned with image and reputation. she never speaks up against people. in classes ive had to go up and talk to the teacher to ask questions for my friend. she’ll never say anything. and it sucks bc when we’re with others, she’ll put them before me. like suddenly they’ll all tease or laugh at me, im sure out of a good place, but it still sucks. she’ll team up with the guys, trying to gain their approval (they all love her anyway, so its really unnecessary). the other day our group chat decided to play evil apples, and the first round she won and I was second before the 2 guys, and in the second round one of the guys won and she was 2nd and I was 3rd but the prom friend (the one who had a crush on her) lost. then the next day in a class we were in a group playing cards against humanity, and when it was my turn to judge, I chose a card that was appropriate rather than an inappropriate one bc the appropriate one just made more sense and she whispers to the guy next to her, “see this is why we can’t play with them.” in a different round, the question card was “I get by with a little help from ______” and I said “is there a beatles related card” bc I wanted to make a reference, and the girl on the other side of perfect friend whispered what I said to her, giggling. it made me annoyed bc they were talking behind my back, and I would've been fine if it was the girl and the guy on each side of her, bc even though we’re all kind of friends they never really seemed to like me that much and always have seen me as just this weird, socially awkward, annoying person, but it made me so MAD that my FRIEND was taking part in this, and not saying anything, and just looking down on me when in private she’ll act like im her favorite person in the whole world. but whatever, I digress.

back to the point, perfect friend a few months after bohemian rhapsody left theaters she watched it somewhere and loved it, and she said it in our group chat, and everyone was like yay and loving her texts and had a discussion about how good it was.

yesterday I finally, finally watched it after months of waiting. so today I text the group chat that I watched it, and spam a little about what I liked and I didnt, which I realize is annoying bc I spam all the time and I cant really help it. but I expected since everyone in the chat is now queen fans, even those that weren’t before the movie, we could just obsess together over how good it was. 

but the only one who replied at first was my best friend (bless her). she loved a few messages (namely, 3: the first was that I watched it, the second was that the casting for brian may was amazing, and the third was that the live aid scene was so good). I was kinda confused bc I didnt think she even knew what I was talking about, especially since I didnt think shed even seen the movie? but maybe she did. or maybe she was just appreciating the comments, and anyway, regardless, I was grateful for her responding. and she said like “ooo where did you see it” and I said I found it online and she said “oh lol.” and she dislikes my ending text of “sorry for the spam I just really enjoyed it.” so I was grateful. but no one else really said anything.

until perfect friend sends an unrelated pic and says something. then she loved my text that I finally saw bohemian rhapsody, basically as an afterthought, but didnt say anything else on it. prom friend right away responds to perfect friend, ignoring all my texts, even tho I thought he was such a big fan of queen now after seeing the movie but whatever. he also then sends a video of blanket friend to the same group chat, addressing best friend, saying her name and what they’re doing.

so, nice to know im not liked lol.

I know this is a long winded story (I mean it doesn't matter cuz im just writing this to myself not anyone else) but im just so frustrated. I wish there was someone out there who would just CARE and appreciate my friendship and treat me like a friend. I KNOW I DONT DESERVE IT. and everything I say is with that unspoken warrant. like I KNOW. im just trying to say that at the same time im so tired of giving so much to my different relationships only to have it be reciprocated by like 5%. the closest connection I have is with is best friend, but she still looks down on me and has even told me everything she hates about me, two years ago when she was trying to get me to join color guard. color guard is like her obsession now, and she says she didnt know what it was before, even though back at the end of 8th grade I literally ASKED HER, “do you want to join color guard in hs.” but I guess she didn’t hear me and just disregarded it like she has SO MANY OTHER THINGS she doesn't deem important until she or her boyfriend or someone “discovers” it and then suddenly its her original idea or something. and ever since that episode when she basically ranted about everything she dislikes about me, just bc I didnt want to join color guard, nothing has been the same. I know ive wronged her so many times and I feel bad. I dont deserve her trust (I betrayed it so many times, like when I didnt tell her I was helping her (now) boyfriend) and I understand that, but now we dont share anything real. I dont trust ANYONE and all my real feelings and secrets I keep to myself. she doesn't need me for anything anymore now that she has a boyfriend, so its fine. but she still actually cares about me, and I care about her, and at least she will show her friendship and support for me. 

its just, I try so hard to connect. to act like im happy and have emotions when inside im depressed and empty. I try to show enthusiasm for everything they do when honestly I have so many of my own problems to worry about that I honestly just dont have the energy to care. I try to offer myself to comfort them and I prioritize other peoples feelings over my own obligations, feelings, problems, sleep, health, and time. I know it sounds like im a bad person just “faking” it and resenting these things that I should be happy to do. I guess I am, but its just that my mental health is so bad right now that its impossible for me to actually bring myself to care about stuff and others and myself or anything at all so thats why. When I get an opportunity to help people (like with the promposal and the girlfriend) it actually invigorates me bc I feel so needed. I willingly spend time on that bc it actually feels like im accomplishing something. It feels like people actually want me there. it feels like by doing this people will appreciate me. but that’s where im wrong. I got him his girlfriend and now he never talks to me or responds to my texts. I KNOW hes there, bc he’ll love all of her texts in the group chat, even the ones just saying the same things I already said, but he doesn't react to any of mine. I got him his prom date, yet in the hallways he doesn't say hi to me but he’ll gladly say hi to perfect friend or best friend. yesterday in lunch people got their yearbooks. perfect friend realized the cover had a feature. prom friend is there. best friend runs over yelling about how the cover is so bad because it’s predominantly black while the past 2 were predominantly white. to point out a good aspect, I repeat the feature perfect friend said. prom friend repeats what I said, but not in a high pitched voice or anything that hints at sarcasm or teasing. so I turn to him and im like “....I just said that.” he goes “I know. I was mocking you.” perfect friend and best friend say nothing to defend me. I just... I dont get it. a few days ago you said I was a good friend and now you proceed to make fun of me. somehow something about me makes it ok for him and others to make fun of me and look down on me, when he doesn't tease best friend or perfect friend. he treats me like trash but since the other two are perfect, since he likes perfect friend and since best friend is dating his friend, they have an automatic pass to be treated like queens, to be admired by him. best friend and perfect friend dont think they need to defend me when ive been nothing but loyal. it makes me annoyed because ive spent years defending best friend anytime someone says something. I was the outspoken one who'd yell at the guys when they teased. yet all anyone ever saw me as was the annoying, dramatic one. when I was just trying to be a friend the way I knew how. I thought being loyal was how to be a good friend, bc thats all I ever wanted. my brother made fun of me and put me down, at home, and in front of his friends, which were the most embarrassing time of all. so I thought my friends would appreciate me being loyal, yet all its ever seemed in all these years is that they’re embarrassed of me when I jump at those who tease. but I guess its because im so socially awkward. I overreact when things dont call for such big scenes. I talk too much. I try too hard. I just hate how I always take the fall. I never get credit where its due, just because I try to stay humble yet everyone still thinks im arrogant. I keep quiet, bc if I ever said what im saying now, it would just prove it. “see? you DO think highly of yourself.” they dont know that I would do anything to remove myself from this earth if I could because I have so much self loathing in me. 

the other day in math we were working in groups. one group came up with something and said it and the rest of the class was like “ohhh” but one group didnt hear and were like “what?” best friend goes “no dont tell them! make them figure it out themselves.” so I say to a classmate about to tell them, “no no no dont!” but in my voice thats 50x louder than my friend’s. someone else goes “what? no! thats so mean!” I was so embarrassed. I wouldn't have said anything if it wasn't my friends idea. I couldn’t care less whether that group knew or not, but since my friend said it I wanted to be supportive so I said something to have a bit of fun. yet I was the mean one, the one everyone looked at weird, the dramatic, annoying one, yet AGAIN. 

and it just made me think. I have taken the fall for others so many times and they have never spoken up. when its the other way around, when someone gets blamed for something that was my own fault, I always speak up and make sure to take the fall. I make it clear until people understand. and yet my friends never do the same for me. so why do I even bother?

I just need to stop trying so hard to be a friend, to be likable, because I know ill never know how. its just not in me to understand how to be a normal fucking person. to know how to interact with others. to not be socially awkward. to respond the right way. to not have a loud voice or talk too much or overshare. to read social cues and understand when people dont like me and to not force myself on them.

if I ever reach adulthood, maybe I can just sequester myself away from all humans, so none of them will ever have to deal with me again. so I dont fucking ruin society anymore. so I dont have to humiliate myself time and time again. so everyones lives can be so much better.

its embarrassing, im embarrassing, and im so tired of it.

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 12 Confessionals

I try not to be cocky but ... I'm sorry, Jordan trying to vote me and flopping - while using the CHAOS SQUAD gimmick - has to be my favorite move in this whole game. I think I must have fallen asleep at some point and been transported back to Taveuni because this is feeling awfully familiar!!! Caron and Zach going to rocks for me ... honestly, icons. I love them both. I'm sad that Katie had to be sacrificed but I'm glad that the other two survived because I'm going to need them to take down Jordan!! Nothing person, Jordan, but this is not going to be Taveuni 2.0 ... I'm not going to let you comp win your way to the end. Not today, Satan. NOT TODAY!

I can't believe... that worked... I deadass went to Charlotte with information of Luke/Jordan wanting her out, and I knew that the chances of Char believing me were fairly slim since our history in KS. But I figured, and Carson did as well, that J/L/K are a trio, and although a quad with Char, that they are extremely powerful in this game and they have such a good argument to win in the final 2 due to the 7-2 slant of ulta/copa Now I feel like we have a pretty solid 3 of Char/Carson/myself vs Jordan/Luke. I'm going for immunity hard because I know that if J/L win, then they're going to idol the other person, and one of the ulta members will leave. At least in the chance that I (or even Carson/Char) win immunity, it's a 50-50 chance. I think Carson has the least likely chance of being voted by them though, so good for him! Seeing Katie being rocked out thought was sad because I enjoy her and think she's amazing, but was SO FUCKING GREAT! CARSON AND I WERE SO HYPED BECAUSE WE MADE sappy messages being like "it was great meeting you again, i love you and we should be friends once this season's over :(" SINCE IT WAS A 66.7% CHANCE ONE OF US WERE LEAVING AND ALSO, I EXPERIENCED A ROCK DRAW. I can finally die happy. I kind of wish I got rocked out, but nonetheless i'm still grateful to be here. Immunity is live tonight so that's worrying too. Overall, "Operation: Eject Luke" was partially a success since we weakened their strong trio, but there's still a lot of game to play. I haven't even thought about the final two plea yet, but I know that I was the person who got this flip to happen so... i'm on some path, at least.

Last round was WAY too wild. I was so sure we had the numbers to get Charlotte out but it turns out they were playing us, ROCKS WERE DRAWN, and Katie went home which sucks because she was a definite number for Jordan and myself so now we're outnumbered. But being outnumbered is our speciality, we've been outnumbered this entire game. I have the idol in my back pocket and I'm 100% set on using that idol on myself if I don't win the immunity challenge. If Jordan wins immunity, I play it on myself. If I win immunity, I play it on Jordan. If neither of us wins.....sorry Pines, every Copa for himself?

I was going to do a video confessional but honestly I'm too tired. Somehow I seem to have been put in a position where I'm in the middle of two alliances and have to decide what I want to go with. Again. Seriously, I wasn't kidding when I said that I felt like we were back in Taveuni. I spent like 45 minutes on call with Carson and Zach last night trying to figure out what we wanted to do. There's a pretty good chance that Luke has the idol and we're pretty sure that he's not reckless enough to try to play it on Jordan and leave himself exposed. That would be an insane kind of loyalty, right? There's also the possibility that Katie was voted out with it, or that Jordan has it and he's been playing up being 'desperate' and worried this vote ... but that seemed pretty Extra even for him. If he had an idol, he'd just play it and call it a day.. right? I suppose there's the off chance that he could be trying to get both he and Luke through this vote but that just can't happen. I'm sorry, you're C*pa ... you can't seriously expect two of you to make it to Final 4. It's a miracle you've survived as long as you have! I mean .. no. Just no. I'm in this awkward position though because like ... okay, I spent an hour on call (maybe 90 minutes? IDK) with Jordan last night and I do genuinely like him as a person. As extra as he might be. Do I want to support my local Jordan Pines and save him? Eh, that's up for debate... though there's no denying that having him around certainly makes my life more interesting. Good interesting or bad interesting? Again, up for debate. Zach and Carson are the reason why I'm still here. If it weren't for my relationships with them, Jordan might have successfully voted me out and not played the fool with that Chaos Squad bullshit. AGAIN.  Turning on them to save the person who tried to vote me out last round? Even if he's promising me he'll cut Luke off at F4 and take me to F3? I'd have to be a moron. I'd have to be the stupidest person on the planet to trust Jordan Pines again. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice? Burn, bitch. Burn. So I'm going to talk to Jordan today, and I'm going to consider my options, but the chances of me flopping are slim to none. I think it would be an awful game move and it would tank my jury relationships on the off chance I managed to make it to the F2. Way to go, Jordan. Look what you made me do.

So I know I said last round that it was every Copa for himself and that the idol was being played on me.....well....idk how sure that it is now but I could possibly be playing the idol on Jordan Pines. I know it's crazy and it could completely backfire on me but like.....I'm so nervous about this round. We're trying to convince Charlotte to vote with us but we don't think that she's going to do it so we have to think long and hard about which of us the idol is going to be played on. Eurgh...I hate that Golden Rope. 

JORDAN PINES ISNT FUCKING DYING, LUKE IS PLAYING THE IDOL ON ME FUCKIGN FREEDOM. FINAL 4 AND THEN I AM TWO CHALLENGES AWAY FROM HOPEFULLY WINNING OMG AHHHHHHH JORDAN FUCKING PINESIF LUKE GOES TONIGHT, I WILL CRY, LIKE ACTUALLY BREAK DOWN IN TEARS. WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THICK AND THIN TOGETHER ADN I DO NOT WANT TO FINISH THIS GAME WITHOUT HIM. in all sincerity i would rather lose to luke in finals than win without him there. He is my rock in this game, and if I survive and he doesn't tonight. I might just cry.

sooo... i used the golden rope to stop jordan from winning immunity?? so charlotte won immunity bc of me, then i get to go to wishing well and get: [10/4/2017 6:52:39 PM] Ryan Palmer: Congratulations! You have earned yourself a task from the well. Once you complete this task to the hosts appeasement you may earn a special reward. This is the Final Five tribal council, it's a big one! And this Reward you can earn is MASSIVE! It can drastically alter the fate of this game. And for a power that big, you need to do something drastic to earn it. You need to Self-Vote at this Tribal Council. As long as you don't submit an official vote this power will be yours. And another temptation, just know that this power can be used whether you are in or out of the game. If you do not complete it you will earn nothing. LIKE... im not gonna self vote out of this game so im not gonna go for it even though i desperately want to. with jordan and luke both able to be voted for, it seems like we're gonna be voting for jordan, assuming luke has the idol and will use it for himself?? i hope that we're able to somehow do something where i wont be idoled out. i reaslly hope im not idoled out bc i just wanna make it past 4th so i can improve my placement this time around. idk if theyre voting me ro zach but honestly... i might be a shitty ally by saying this, but i hope theyre voting zach :/ i dont wanna be idoled out at all and i feel like i might be taking this game a bit more seriously than zach?? idk i dont want either of us to go so ill pray for that outcome instead. i really hope i can survive this tribal

So like ideally I think the vote tonight is going to be 3-2 Jordan/Me or Jordan/Carson. Preferably Carson just because I like my track record of minimal votes, but I doubt that I will be receiving 0 votes tonight. On a similar note, there's chances that I won't even be here tomorrow. Like... my gut tells me Jordan is going to be idolled and i'll be leaving. Going out with a bang, tbh. If I leave tonight, will I be proud? Let's go down memory lane. I will be proud. Despite being inactive due to consecutive immunities, I played during the merge. I came in as a 2nd placer, and potentially am getting fifth with 2 (or 4/5) votes cast against me total. I flipped votes, survived rocks, fucked over jordan pines' immunity (OKAY THAT LAST ONE WAS NOT GOOD I FELT SHITTY AS FUCK), but nonetheless I accomplished a lot or experienced more than the average survivor game. I hope it's in my favour tonight and that I wake up to see the final four. If not, then i'm satisfied with my experience and at least I go out somewhat big (idol, that is. if someone flips ill be disappointed) and on that note, it'd be dumb for C/C to flip because.. say hi to 3rd and 4th!

so apparently jordan/luke are voting zach if theyre telling the truth to charlotte (or if charlottes telling the truth to me, you never know.) im praying + hoping ill be safe and make it to the final 4 to hopefully match or redeem myself from my previous athena placement. ive just come so far i cant lose now idk.ive put so much into this game. jordans WAY more desperate acting than luke so idk if lukell play it on jordan if he has it or whatever ahhhh

You know, Jordan Pines almost convinced me to save him. It's nine minutes until tribal and I'm still not 100% sure I'm doing this. I guess we'll find out, won't we?

#NotAGameForLapdogs

[jess-oh]

Reflection

[song of today]

oOPS, ive been getting kinda lazy again. but before i forgot or fell asleep... i wanted to type this post to just catch up on everything thats been going on.

i just watched part of the thailand team’s vlog and it made me really miss guatemala. i keep saying that theres 1 moment that i will never forget. and while that’s still true, i remembered another time. i remembered on our last day at our first village and everyone was in a giant circle and we were getting ready to leave. but in an attempt to start heading over, a bunch of the kids latched onto me and i pretended to be losing strength as i inched forward, bit by bit. but more and more kids continued to latch on until they were actually too heavy for me to carry and i fell over. but i remember. i remember lying down on the floor in the middle of the circle and being filled with so much joy. i laughed in pure bliss along with the kids. and i didnt care that we were in the middle and i could feel my team judging me for just suddenly breaking the circle. but i didnt care. i was so happy to just be there in that moment with the kids. i just remember hoping that claire was taking a video or at least a photo of us bc it was a moment that i never wanted to forget. and i can feel my memory slipping away but man, that kind of joy...it doesn’t come everyday. i miss that feeling. of just laughing my head off without a care in the world, just so incredibly glad and blessed to be with those kids. having that childlike spirit. what a powerful moment that i hope to never forget.

and the second, just to resolidify the memory, was when our team danced and sang english vbs songs in the pouring rain. we didnt care that it started raining. in fact, we werent even phased. we had a job and we were going to do it. and man, even though the kids and the adults didn’t understand and looked at us with confusing as we sang in english, i will never forget how empowered i felt. as we sang “strength and shield,” and i turned to my team from the front and yelled, “READY? 1. 2. 3!” And then turning back to the front and jumping and yelling, “I’M JUMP JUMP JUMPING FOR JOY! I’M SHOUT SHOUT SHOUTING MY THANK YOU. I’M SING SING SINGING MY LOVE. TO GIVE YOU ALL MY PRAISE TO YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. GOD IT’S ALL FOR YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. I GIVE MY PRAISE TO YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. GOD IT’S ALL FOR YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU.” The body movements. The songs. The singing. Everything. Just being there alongside my team. So fueled and pumped up. I loved every bit of it. And I hope that I never ever forget it. I loved doing all those VBS songs. English and Spanish. And while I’m sad that I can’t remember everything, I would happily learn again. There’s something so empowering about just dancing and singing those songs. 

i remember how awful i felt post mission and how i felt so useless bc i couldn’t adapt to the new situation at hand. and even though it was a mission trip, i still thought so much about how my team saw me and that filled me with so much anxiety and self hatred. i felt so useless on the trip bc i didnt know how to catch up. i couldnt catch up. i was too much of a control freak to account for that situation. and i regret it. i wasnt useless. i drew and colored so many posters. i led the body worship. and even though i was flawed and our lies skit wasnt as as strong as it couldve been, i still served. i did my job and i went through with it and thats what mattered. i impacted their lives. i remember when we had to break off into groups and while at first i thought i was bringing a group of 20 people to my area, 50+ people ended up coming. my group was way larger than anyone else’s but i didnt complain. i adapted to the new situation and i still carried out my duty. i accepted the help from our chisec homies and even though i took longer than everyone else, i still did it. i made sure everyone had the beads and the bracelet. i did it. i felt so shitty bc i didnt plan the crafts well enough. i kept relying and pushing judy when i didnt plan for my own part myself. but i did it. we did it. it happened and everything worked out in the end. on our night of debrief, i wanted to do daily QT&reflection as well as sleep before midnight and while i did try, i kinda gave up. but i have kept up with the reflections at least! but i remember my team saying i should do something that has to do with my family since our relationship was shit. but i refused. and idk if that was the right choice or not but i honestly believe that the time we spent away and apart from each other, helped way more than any kind of talking would have. we’re open now. before? i think we would’ve all been too stubborn to understand. 

Now onto the events of the past few days. Honestly, I don’t really remember what I last posted so I’ll just go by memory and make it brief. The other night. Two days ago? I hung out with Andrew and although it was awkward, I was able to introduce the topic of religion without it being too weird and for that, I am grateful. I’m also happy that God’s been allowing us to spend more time together. Just one on one. He is still Andrew but he does act differently around David. Also, I’m 98% I already wrote about this so let’s move on.

Yesterday, I met up with the PAL Presidents and Hazel. I was pretty salty toward PAL at first bc I waited 20min for them at in-n-out, only for them to ask me to come to El Mo, somewhere I was previously right next to since I went to Chase earlier that day. Begrudgingly I went but I’m glad that I decided to give them a chance. It was nice to catch up briefly with Daniel since we were both in UBMS and hear about their plans for the coming year and share my knowledge and experience as well. They’re on the right track. And while they’ll most definitely have issues with the class, I believe in them.

Afterwards, I met up with Hazel and in-n-out and regrettably ordered way too much food. I didn’t get a drink and yet, I was still dying. I got a double double, animal style fries, and a strawberry shake. But I’m still happy I did it. It was great. She’s pretty nervous about the coming year since she’s the new EIC along with someone else for yearbook and while I cannot confidently say that she’ll succeed, I do believe in her effort. I think she does have a lot of potential and have grown so much since I first met her her sophomore year. And I’m really glad and proud of how far she’s come since then. I do think it kind of sucks that the editors forced the position onto her but I think she’ll try really hard and I’m even proud of her for that. I did vent a bit about how terribly my senior year in yearbook and revealed to Hazel everything that happened behind the scenes. But I’m happy I got it off my chest. But at the same time, I know I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m over gossiping. This was just a step back. I did start looking for files for her but since most everything was on my school email and that was shut down... there was only so much that i could do. I’m still looking for some things that could help her. Admittedly, I have been a bit lazy in my research but I really don’t have a lot of stuff left. I am going to try and drop off my old yearbook binder and notebook and see if that’ll help at all but... who knows. It looks like trash to me but maybe she can find some sort of inspiration from it. 

sidenote: i was so full and lazy from my food that i convinced my sister to pick me. honestly, i shouldnt been more attentive to my phone when i originally asked her to get me but im thankful nonetheless that she actually came back out just to get me. but wtf in-n-out. howd it take you 12min to make lightly cooked fries???

but onto today, 

IIiiii, ran some errands and then met up with Rena today and while we did have a pretty great conversation and were able to keep it up for hours and hours.... we did talk about other people a lot. And I kind of hated that. We never meant to. It just started from her not knowing that so many people were sophomores. But. I kind of hated it. It felt like 2 steps back for me. And I knew it too. I kept trying to ween off that conversation but somehow, we always found ourselves back on it. Talking about other people. Not necessarily in a bad light and they werent people we knew nothing about but still. I think once we started talking about the people we knew in a relationship, it really became gossip but I didn’t know how to drop it. But man, I am filled with such regret. I wish I didn’t do that. I wish I just called ourselves out on it. But I am happy that I got to spend that time with Rena. I just hope she doesn’t see me as the gossip girl now though. I doubt it but... still.

It is something that I still need to work on and be more aware of. 

#reflection

[yeont4n]

Answer all!!

here we fuckn goooooooooo

we are bulletproof: if you could be any superhero, who would you be and why?

u kno that 1 girl from sky high whose only power was shapeshifting into a hamster? her. no reason

no more dream: if you woke up tomorrow to be incredibly famous, how would you react?

id go check my mailbox to collect all my free promotional gifts and then prolly fake my own death

i like it: if you could reverse any moment in your life, what would that moment be? 

there’s 1 thing but im not rlly gonna expose myself like tht on here smh

n.o: biggest pet peeve?

loud chewing/loud eating,,,,,,

we on: how do you deal with people who don’t like you?

i dont deal wit it lmfao it’s not my business who likes me n who doesn’t unless someone’s being particularly vocal about it:// in that case i’d prolly jus laugh about it

if i ruled the world: what would you do if you found out that you were an heir to a wealthy kingdom?

lmfao. idk tbh prolly decide which breed of dog i wanted to be known for loving

coffee: what’s your coffee order?

i dont order coffee often buh somethin w a lot of sugar.

cypher pt. 1: if you had to be part of a kpop group, what position would you want to be (i.e. leader, visual, lead vocal, dancer, rapper, maknae, etc.)

maknae i guess? how about staff

rise of bangtan: when and how did you get into the king and legends, also known as bangtan sonyeondan?

i saw a video of yoongi performing intro:nevermind in like 2015 n was :o ! buh never looked into it. in 2016 i saw the fire and bst dance practice vids and was like :0!??? but again, never looked into it. then finally spring day/not today mvs dropped n i FINALLY looked into who these boys were n jus fell down an ever spiraling rabbit hole.. now we here

satoori rap: what does home mean to you?

a feeling. i mean i have a few physical manifestations of the concept of home: my town, my school, my house. things i can return to. but really it’s a feeling isn’t it?? safety, familiarity, comfort, fondness

boy in luv: when you are interested in someone (romantically, sexually, etc.), does your behavior change?

yeah probably altho i dnt have many data points to go over rn

just one day: who would you want to spend the last day of your life with?

yall expectin me 2 say bts buh id want 2 be wit my friends n family . bts can b there 2 if they want

tomorrow: goal that you would like to achieve within the next year?

get into..... college.....

cypher pt. 2: one thing about yourself you wish people would appreciate more?

i never express appreciation n all that verbally thru words or physically thru touch buh i have my own ways of showin tht i care n i guess it dont count if i dont communicate explicitly like: hey ilu ! . what happened to actions speak louder than words smh

spine breaker: what is your weakness when it comes to spending money?

makeup!!!!!!!!!! >

jump: favorite childhood memory?

getting my dog tina!!!!

miss right: what is your ideal ‘type’?

physically i tend 2 like the boyish types likkee think taehyung inu era i guess. boy next door vibes; ive never rlly been into the macho build or the preppy, neat look, or the rough around the edges, angsty shithead badboy exterior model like i like my boys S.O.F.T.! puppy-ish!

personality wise i guess jusssss idk i’m gonna copy n paste a list of qualities i look 4 in a partner that i wrote for a different ask game a while back: Sense of humor, openmindedness, compassion, reliability, ability 2 communicate directly/emotional maturity, ambition/drive/work ethic, etc.

i like it pt. 2: dream date? 

yall prolly expecting me to say smthn like staying in n watching movies n eating junk but i’d prolly wanna go out n do smthn ngl. not a movie where u can hardly even speak or a dinner date where u feel trapped n stiff buh smthn fun n mildly competitive n engaging ??????? although jus chillin dont sound so terrible either

danger: have you ever had a near-death experience?

kinda not really it was on hampton beach n i had an allergic reaction but i wasnt on death’s door or nuthn

war of hormone: most embarrassing moment?

i bled thru my fucking pants in like 7th grade n it got on the chair! it was bad lol i was jus talking about this w my friend n she was like “yeah i remember that haha:)” shut up caitlin

hip hop lover: three songs that are meaningful to you?

moonlight sonata, ballade no. 1 in g minor, bts’ entire discography ties for 3rd

let me know: are you good at keeping secrets?

no lmfao . keeping my own, sure.

rain: most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

some words that have never been used to describe me, grace: spontaneous, easy going, flexible. the most impulsive thing i’ve done is prolly take a random sidestreet omw home just for the heck of it lol

cypher pt. 3: favorite outfit to wear?

cute jeans w a belt, a crop top. white adidas. i like dresses too tho!! n i really like layered clothes (a mock turtle neck under a slip dress or like a pinstripe button up under a babydoll fit blouse. i jus think it’s fuckin adorable)

blanket kick: longest time you’ve spent lying in bed (sleeping or not)? 

prolly 2 or 3 days

24/7 = heaven: what are you most looking forward to?

fuck i rlly dk . doesnt that suck??

look here: do you have any hidden talents?

i can burp on command lmfaoofdj

second grade: proudest accomplishment?

dont ask me this if u dnt want to be made uncomfortable by how genuinely unproud of myself i am lol

i need u: are you in love?

wit k*m t*aehy*ng? yeah.

hold me tight: does physical contact comfort you?

no........... maybe i havent found the right person but it’s not my cup of tea generally speaking

love is not over: ever had your heart broken?

no but now i know what i can look forward to haha

dead leaves: how loyal are you?

im rlly loyal if that commitment is mutual. w my family i’m ride or die i’ll fuck anyone up who comes for my asshole brother idc!!!!!!!!!

move: last time you cried?

cant remember,, i dnt cry much. prolly watching reply 1988 when bo ra and her dad were exchanging letters on her wedding day.

butterfly: most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

his name looks similar to my url thats the only hint im giving

run: do you like traveling? if so, where? what’s your dream vacation?

i dnt really like travelling tbh but i do wanna go back to korea one day. not necessarily as a tourist but as a diasporic korean person myself

ma city: if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

idk. i cant imagine not living in the states tbh but i also cant say i love it here either

baepsae: do you vote and/or keep up with politics?

i can’t vote but i’m in my school’s youth vote committee which runs debates for local elections and registration drives at the end of the year. i kept up with politics a lot more last year but after the election i jus got 2 bitter. i know what’s going on but only sort of surface level smh

dope: what did you want to be when you were younger? how does it compare to what you want to be now?

i wanted to be a teacher lmfao and i wanted to commute to college n save $$ bc i was a practical little fucker even when i was 6. these days i’m not that interested in teaching bc a) i’d be objectively bad at it and b) i was a classroom mentor for elementary schools and... realized i can’t work w kids tht small every damn day i’d rlly snap

fire: are you a spontaneous person?

no~

save me: your favorite place on earth?

rn??? m y bed

young forever: what is one movie from your childhood that you will always treasure?

august rush lol

boys with fun: you’re going on a roadtrip with seven other people– dead, alive, fictional, real, famous, or not. who are they, and why?

really......... seven other people:)? guess.

converse high: how many pairs of shoes do you own?

12??? 3 are the same black heel lmfao n a lot i havent worn in years but i still technically own them. i rlly b wearing the same 4 pairs in a cycle n 1 rotten bleach stained soggy mess for work shoes.

whalien 52: weirdest thing that has ever happened to you? alternatively, weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

weirdest dream i ever had was way too long to type out n had way too many references to people in my personal life to ever be interesting lmao

house of cards: when was the last time you felt sexy?

HAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAAHHAAH?????????????????

boy meets evil: have you ever committed a crime? if so, what was it? alternatively, what is the worst thing you have ever done?

does speeding count smh.

blood, sweat, & tears: kinkiest kink you have?

rolling eyes emoji. pass!

begin: who are you most grateful for in your life?

my parents!

lie: biggest fear?

real talk? failure. abandonment but i’m adopted, how cliche. also bugs

stigma: would you rather know the date of your death or the cause of your death?

date of death bc if i knew the cause but not have any indication of when it’d hit me, i’d be a paranoid agoraphobic wreck for the rest of my life

first love: do you believe in soulmates?

yes but i also believe you can have more than one! and that soulmates aren’t exclusively romantic

reflection: if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

get ur fucking bangs cut

mama: are you good at giving advice?

yeah i think so

awake: if you had to be a flower, which flower would you be?

lazy daisy

lost: how good are you with directions? do you get lost easily?

horrible horrible horrible. directionally challenged. i can’t even find my way to the fucking grocery store down the road on my own. if i ever missed an exit on the highway you’d never hear from me again, i could never find my way back without a gps. i’m dead serious

cypher pt. 4: what do you do to treat yourself or relax?

take a bath or a long long shower. eat smthn warm, drink tea, do a face mask, change my sheets n snuggle up watchin a drama or movie or playin sims

am i wrong: you wake up one morning in the hospital, knowing only your name and a single memory from your life. what is that memory?

wtf how do i answer this lmfao how wud i know lol

21st century girls: do you prefer texting, calling, or video chatting?

texting! calling if it’s a long story though

2!3!: your favorite thing about bangtan?

their modesty and grace ! they’re a true underdog success story >

spring day: who do you miss right now?

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

not today: what are your procrastinating right now?

math summer work smh

wings: on airplanes, do you prefer the window seat, the middle seat, or the aisle seat?

window seat!

you never walk alone: how many people do you trust with your life?

4?

#Anonymous