#im grateful for the job in many ways but in others it was really burnt me out and drained me

[muselexum]

<3

#sending you all so much love #it's crazy how a year has zipped by #every so often i'll come by and check up on the dash and i love seeing all the familiar names <33 #I'll prolly write a more official post in the new year at some point #but im so eager for this work contract to end at the end of this year #im grateful for the job in many ways but in others it was really burnt me out and drained me #ready to turn a new leaf in the new year #and hopefully get some of my creative motivation back when my mind clears #ive put even art/painting on the sidelines as well this year which is something im sad about #but on the positives I think ive had a lot of personal and emotional growth this year that im really proud of!! #(still dont have a driver's license though.. LOL OOP) #and ive really worked on my anxiety and depression. like even if this job is burning out and depressing me// I don't feel DEPRESSED ya kno. #ive just been experiencing a lot of personal growth and change #and the people around me in my life have told me that they've seen changes in me this year too so :') #BUTTTTTT #I so so miss my creative outlets and I feel like I've neglected that this year #I went from escapism to fully avoiding the outlets so now I think it's time to transition into the healthy middle #anywaaaay #hope yall have been doing amazing #love u all and ill probably pop in here for the holidays <33 #blows u all kisses #ooc #tbd

[keilemlucent]

long days for bad people

(r18+)

hawks | takami keigo x reader

ao3

word count: ~6k

Being a prized, adored possession was far better than you thought it would be.

warnings: light daddy kink (no age play, just the name in mostly jest), spit kink, crying kink, degradation, brief descriptions of blood + violence, kidnapping (consensual?? read a/n), brat taming, light sadomasochism, mind break, praise kink

------

here it is, mafia au, villain hawks, dom, brat tamer, soft(?!) hawks. what more could you want? 

there’s briefly described kidnapping at the beginning of the fic but it is reiterated throughout that this is consensual! no yandere/stockholm stuff in this fic. 

i’ve been working on this one for a while and i’m happy to finally share it. hope y’all enjoy!!

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You shouldn’t have fucked around with the League.

God, it was common knowledge in the parts of town and circles you inhabited. Of all criminal syndicates, mobs, to fuck with, the League wasn’t one of them. They were known for their complete cruelty and violent delights. The League had such a reputation due to the fact that they openly left bodies carved up and burnt as they pleased.

But, you were a fucking idiot and got involved anyways.

It was a small loan, Giran almost seemed to scoff when he gave you the cash. You and your almost-stranger of a roommate were just very late on some bills and were going to lose a lot of material items if you didn’t scrounge up at least two paychecks in about three days. 

You swallowed your pride and took the first and easiest loan you could get. That just happened to be with gap-toothed, wide-grinning Giran of the League. He, you knew from what you’d heard, was somewhat fair in matters like yours. 

You had two weeks to pay him back.

...

You didn’t make it in time.

You were close to the amount, notably. You scrounged and clawed your way into getting the cash back. You weren’t much of a pickpocket, but you snagged some odd jobs around the apartment building that you and your roommate were still fortunate enough to keep a room in.

After one particular job, a nasty carpentry gig that you weren’t qualified for, you returned home tired and worn.

Sure, you were a day late on payment. But with this last gig, you were so close. The League would have to pity two, stupid, stupid young girls?

They didn’t, you realized, as you stepped into your apartment.

Your roommate's slain corpse was laying over the arm of your cheap couch, eyes vacant and mouth dripping blood onto the old beige carpet.

You dropped to your knees, horrified and completely stunned.

“You should’ve known better,” it was a hum from across the room, from a figure you didn’t even know was in the room until then. “Really, you’d expect folks to be smarter.”

Your mouth dried as the figure moved from the nighttime shadows, flashing a dazzling smile and ruffling crimson wings.

Hawks.

You’d heard of him, everyone had. Terrifying, fast, precise, and cutthroat. He took orders and didn’t ask questions other than snark. He talked too much, fucked too much. 

“W-wait,” You didn't know why you were pleading, but you had to try, right? “I’m so close, wait—”

Hawks sauntered up to you wielding one of his feather blades, the red of blood mixing with the filaments of his feathers.

He crouched down in front of you, tsking, “I don’t like begging, angel. I’ll make this quick for you. Your friend there?”

Hawks jerked his finger behind to your dead roommate.

“She fought, pleaded, begged, all that normal shit I don’t like hearing when shitheads like you two don’t make payday,” his voice was slow, talking about death like some casual thing. “I’ll make this nice and fast if you don’t run your mouth anymore, how about that?”

You swallowed, nodding.

The small percentage of your brain that was fully functioning figured dying quickly was a much better way to go than whatever the hell had happened to your roommate. There was far too much blood for that to be quick.

Hawks hummed, the tip of his feather blade tipping up your chin so you were forced to meet his gaze. You vaguely heard the pitter-patter of your tears hitting the carpet below. Blood rushed in your ears as you stared death in the face.

Hawks appraised you.

You watched the metaphorical cogs and wheels turning in Hawks’ skull as he looked you up and down before flashing forward, gathering you in his arms and flying from the apartment. 

Your first thought was obvious as you clung to him in the open air:

He’s going to drop you and kill you.

When you screamed, tears growing thicker, he slapped a gloved hand over your mouth, “I’m giving you an out, kid. Trust me. You’ll prefer this over death.”

 ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

 Your new existence was certainly better than death.

If you were ever caught and convicted of any of the illegal things you participated in, you’d be fucked, thrown into prison until you rotted, until you were just dust and bone.

But, until then, you worked for the League.

You had groveled at the feet of their leader, Shigaraki, hands clasped on your lap, claiming your worth, or maybe lack thereof. Not many attachments, not many people who’d miss you, a semi-useful quirk. 

With a boot shoved into your skull, he sneered that you’d be the League’s new errand dog. 

The real reason they accepted you was due to the threatening air Hawks was exuding and the fact that their old ‘errand bitch’ had died the week prior. They needed a new body to act as a civilian and do things that only an unsuspecting-looking ‘civilian’ could. You fit the bill, and Hawks had taken a liking to you.

 Oddly, working for the League was actually pretty okay.

You got your own room. It was small, but you only had to share a bathroom with the somewhat unhinged Himiko, but she was fairly nice once she warmed up to you. Everyone lived in the League’s HQ and went about their business, getting drunk at their bar front each night.

Most of the mess happened at night, but it was important to put on a nice veneer and keep spirits high. Not to mention that no one would dared to fuck with the League, anyways. The cops and federal government had long been paid off due to the resources that the League had acquired for them. 

You felt somewhat untouchable.

A lot of this confidence was due to the fact that you had become Hawks’s... Keigo’s...

‘Songbird’

As he liked to call you, anyway. 

Keigo was the general, loveable annoyance of the League, but his connections were invaluable and his skills were unmatched. Despite how he could grate on people (read: Dabi and Shigaraki), he was respected and feared just as much as everyone else was, if not more so. And being his metaphorical and literal pet had its perks.

Sure, the first time he had you come to his ‘office’ and he fucked you against the window until it was smeared with cum and blood was a bit surprising, but god, if you didn’t fucking love it. Being Keigo’s personal fucktoy came with protection, pleasure, and a surprising amount of genuine attention. The dude was lonely, and so were you. The two of you made a good ‘couple’, if you could even call yourselves that. The sadism he doled out was always counterpointed by affections that did seem genuine. 

Keigo was fond of you, and you of him. Maybe your brush with death had twisted something in your head, to even allow yourself to get close to a man like Keigo, but you couldn’t make yourself care. 

You were comfortable and content. 

...

[bird boss]: hey babe ;^) get to my office in the next thirty minutes 

[you]: what if i don’t

[bird boss]: do u really want to find out

[you]: ...

[you]: im just curious 

[bird boss]: don’t get cheeky songbird 

[you]: u make me wanna u know

[you]: i know it gets you riled up

[bird boss]: tread lightly kid

[you]: oooo i gave you some guff over text

[you]: what’re you gonna do about it?

[bird boss]: use your imagination

[bird boss]: 25 minutes now, songbird

[bird boss]: don’t make this worse for yourself <3

 You set your phone on your cheap duvet, quickly primped yourself to see Keigo. He wasn’t too strict about your appearance but wearing dark clothes and some of the more expensive gifts he’d gotten you over the months he’d been screwing you never hurt. Something about ownership with him always got him hot and bothered. 

You tried to remind yourself frequently that Keigo saw you as some sort of possession, but a possession with feelings.

Meandering through HQ was always a bit daunting, despite your protections. Your skimpy outfit choice and hardly-hidden lingerie made you feel a bit more like an object than you liked too. 

There were hardly hungry mouths around the League, they kept you all fed, but god, were there starving eyes. 

Dabi wolf-whistled as you walked past him through a common room, shouting something about how Keigo was collecting his pound of flesh for the day. Maybe a line or two about being a whore, but that was all flavor at that point. Keigo called you far meaner, more sinful things. And hell, it wasn’t like Keigo hadn’t... shared you on more than one occasion. 

Maybe you were a little fucked up for enjoying your lifestyle to the degree you did, but why not indulge where you could? Life was far shittier scraping paint off old fences and picking up cans to just scrape by. 

Opulence was a breath of fresh air. And if you were Keigo’s fuck toy? Then, god, you were Keigo’s fuck toy.

When you arrived at Keigo’s office, you knocked gently on the door, quickly adjusting your skirt and blouse. 

The door opened, though no one was behind it. Only a single one of Keigo’s feathers allowed you entrance. 

His office seemed daunting and extravagant for a man who did most of his ‘work’ in far-shadier, far-bloodier places. The walls were covered in mirrors and old paintings, something out of vanity and pride, knowing how Keigo saw himself. There were several black leather couches scattered around against walls, some stained by your various... activities. There was a broad desk parallel to a back wall made entirely of windows. 

Night had fallen, leaving the room lit by a few lamps and warm fixtures. 

“Hey, boss,” You hummed as you stepped in, shutting the door behind you just before the lingering scarlet feather flicked the lock on the door.

And the other one.

And the deadbolt.

You swallowed thickly. 

As much as you enjoyed a lot of the perks of your... position, it was also daunting.

Keigo was daunting, all bloody colors, vanity, and hunger. 

He sat behind his desk, wings puffed up, and partially extended over the back of his chair. The desk chair was massive, specifically acquired so that you would have enough room to properly straddle his lap for hours on end if he so wished. 

Keigo idly clicked around on his desktop computer. He leaned slack and back into the chair, legs spread wide and exuding casual confidence that reeked of his own ego. 

Keigo normally wore a mix of black and red, as edgy as it was. He liked to seem clean, hide the stains of sanguine that undoubtedly lingered on him no matter how he tried to cleanse himself. His black slacks were pressed, the seams pristine. The black shirt he wore was rolled up to his elbows, the buttons of his red vest undone as well. His black tie hung half-undone and limp around his neck. His tousled gold hair was mussed as normal, ruffled by his flights. His feathers might’ve needed preening, but you doubted that that was the reason he called you to his office. 

And based on the deep set of his brow and the sickly smile on his lips, he was already on edge and in a mood. 

“Songbird, come over here, will you?” Keigo sat back from his typing, watching you from across the room. He took you in the same way a parched man sucks down red wine, greedily and soon to be fucked. “On my lap.”

You complied, despite your earlier attitude. You padded across the room, going around his desk. 

As you moved to straddle his lap, worn hands gripped your waist. His amber eyes gave you a warning, crinkling at the edges, “Not like that, sweetheart. Do daddy right.”

Oh, so it was one of those moods. 

Maybe you were Keigo’s sexual punching bag so he could exert control on something he could later kiss better and patch up. 

Sure, he was going to fucking ruin you, but part of the fun with him was that the more it hurt, the nicer he was after. And, all things considered, with some of the... other folks the League brought in to satiate its member’s desires, you fared far better. Keigo cared about you, in his own particular way. 

You tried to lean over his lap yourself, but his hands and feathers positioned you perfectly as he wanted. With the tight grip he had on your waist and shoulders, dragging you just as he liked, it was easy to see his need for control. 

Your head hung off of one of his thighs as you squirmed in his lap. His bulge already pressed into your ribs, a wonderful reminder of the reward you’d reap later on. Keigo’s hands gathered your hand to the small of your back, a feather replacing their grip a moment later.

“Sit with me while I finish this shit,” Keigo grumbled, going back to clicking the desktop. His leg bobbed absentmindedly, his free hand rubbing over the curve of your barely-covered ass. “Be a good girl, (Y/N). If you can stand that.”

He laughed under his breath. 

You let your head dangle limply downwards, blood rushing to your cheeks. 

You’d thought you’d be in for more of an ass-kicking, but it appeared Keigo was taking things unusually slow. You knew better than to complain, but kicking up a bit of metaphorical sand couldn’t be that bad, right?

“I dunno,” You hummed, kicking your legs lightly. “I don’t think you like it when I’m a ‘good girl’, daddy.”

“Watch it.” A single, sharp smack to your butt was hardly enough to shut you up, but Keigo did so all the same, rubbing over the covered flesh a moment later, “I’m not in the mood.”

“Are you sure about that?” You wriggled, intentionally pushing up against his growing erection.

His breath stuttered, a smirk pulling at the corners of your lips. The hand on your ass didn’t rear again, rather Keigo kept thumbing smooth circles as he continued to click around on the computer. He might have been actually doing work. Or, he was ignoring you, egging your sass on. 

“If you didn’t want anything, why’d you call me in here?” You asked, way too cheeky for the way Keigo’s body was practically vibrating underneath you. Pissing him off had consequences, of course, but you weren’t in the mood to play ‘good girl’ that day.

“I told you, I want you to sit with me,” Keigo pinched your ass. “But, you’re too mouthy to do just that one thing. You’re usually better than this.”

“Am I?” You played innocent, craning to give him a wide smile. “Hadn’t noticed. What I am noticing, is your already-hard cock, dear.”

“Oh, ‘dear’?!” Keigo paused on the computer. “Cheeky. Cute.” 

Keigo would just dig in more, lean in, before ‘snapping’, if you could call it that.

You gulped as his hand swatted at upper thighs, his nails almost knicking your skin.

“Up and don’t get smart about it.”

Oh, you were going to be remarkably smart about it.

You rose but hardly stayed upright for long. Sliding down to your knees, you pushed at Keigo’s legs, “Wouldn’t you prefer me down here? Just for a treat while you finish your work?”

Keigo clicked his tongue, gaze flickering down to you, “Fine. Behave yourself.”

Yeah, right. You both knew that that wasn’t going to happen. 

You were already tucked underneath his desk, undoing the fly of his pants. 

You pulled his cock from his trousers, pumping his cock to full hardness. Smearing around preek for a bit of extra flare before inching forward.

Wrapping your mouth around Keigo’s dick was somewhat of a feat— he had a decent girth to him, so you usually took the opportunity to warm him (and yourself) up with a bit of tip-kissing and kitten licks.

But, you were feeling bold.

You spit on his dick, a move that normally would have earned you plenty of verbal snark, but anything Keigo could’ve said to you was swallowed as you took his cock down to the back of your throat.

You sucked around it, massaging the vein on the bottom with the flat of your tongue. Drool began to pool at the side of your lips as you let the head bump your throat, gag reflex be damned.

All the while, Keigo had stopped moving above you. The fabric of his trouser balled up in his ringed-fingers as he gazed half-lidded down at you. 

You smiled around his dick, looking up at him innocently as you began to slowly bob your head. His wings fluttered, twitches and air stirring around you. 

Keigo stifled a laugh, a hand tangling in your hair, “All that talk earlier and now you’re treating me to a blowjob without even me having to tell you to? Dove, you’re too much.”

You pulled off of him to reply, “I can only try.”

Before he could reply, you spit on his dick again, and went back to slurping around him.

You held the base of his cock in your hands, twisting and spreading spittle. It almost felt like your actions were for show, but Keigo’s eyes were rolling back in his head all the same.

You smirked.

A drool pool from your mouth, puddling in your lap and soaking your skirt. Not like you weren’t already dripping from the sinful sounds Keigo stopped trying to hold.

“A-ah, that’s it, angel,” Keigo fucked into your mouth with his hold on your hair. “Just like that.”

Your hand rose to play with Keigo’s balls, teasing at the sack as he cried out a high moan above you. 

Considering the performance you were giving, it was unsurprising to feel him tensing above you. You’d been on your knees for him hundreds of times; you’d learned to see the little twitches and puffs of breath he’d give when he’d get close to coming. 

You pulled off his cock with a pop, detangling the hand from your hair in the motion. It was all fast enough that Keigo couldn’t have stopped you in his hazy, pleasure-filled state. 

Based on the look of rapid disbelief he was giving you, your trick had worked well. Knowing Keigo’s... tendencies made you hesitant to push him too much in the past, but for whatever reason, you were feeling stupidly bold. 

Consequences.

“Sorry, daddy,” You wiped at your mouth with the back of your hand. “Didn’t feel like swallowing today.”

Keigo’s disheveled appearance was more than gratifying. Knowing how easily you made him come undone by that point was one of the perks of your position.

His hair was more than ruffled, strands and tufts chaotically curled around his cheeks and ears. There was a bright blush on his face, spreading from his nose to the apples of his cheeks, down his deck. At some point, he’d popped the buttons at the top of his shirt. He was covered in a sheen of sweat, half-panting and based on the darkness in his brow and the far-too peachy smile on his face, Keigo was fucking pissed.

His wings stood on end.

You gulped from below him.

Maybe you pushed your luck too far.

Maybe. 

“You’re playing real cute today, aren’t you songbird?” Keigo didn’t move, but his feathers twitched above him, wings flaring out even farther. “Real fucking cute.”

You were fucked.

Good.

A few feathers flew from Keigo, one snagging at your wrist, wrapping around it, and pulling you up from the desk.

You wobbled as you stood, dragged across the room as Keigo leisurely followed behind you. When you tried to set your own pace, Keigo swatted your ass with a huff, “You never learn, huh? I thought I’d trained you better than this.”

You opened your mouth to spit some dickish retort, but you were cut off as Keigo’s shoved you onto one of the leather couches.

“Don’t.” Keigo’s tone was acidic as he stood over your, wings still flared out. “I told you I wasn’t in the mood for your cute bullshit, dove, and you still decided to test your luck, huh?”

You kneeled on the cushions, sucking down air, shaking with anticipation.

“You don’t feel like swallowing today? That’s fine, I can work with that,” Keigo shrugged easily from above you.

Keigo had an... active sexual imagination, and you could tell by the crook in his lips that he had something devilish planned as retribution.

A sharp slap came down on your cheek, Keigo catching the opposite jaw and keeping you from recoiling too far. You blinked as the pain spread around your skull like licking flames against a frostbitten body. 

You wanted more.

A little grin stretched against your mouth as Keigo rubbed at your cheeks with his thumbs, “Aw, you always get so sweet like this, dove. You can be a good girl if you try, can’t you?” 

His actions carried candor and his words absolute torment. 

Despite how Keigo was trying to goad you into submission, you had a bit of spark left in you. 

Plainly, you spit on him.

The glob of saliva landed on Keigo’s cheek, under his eye.

He blinked at you. 

You continued to smile.

His own expression grew strained.

“Oh, songbird,” Keigo damn near lamented, wiping away the kind gift you’d given him. His voice was smooth without any bit of waver, all of the sexually-charged anger rolling just beneath the veneer. “You’re just being pain slut today, aren’t you?”

You were, absolutely. You could feel your arousal wetting your panties, the heat of the strike from your cheek beginning to boil something in your gut. 

“You just need a bit of special attention today, right? That’s all.” Keigo tsked, fully removing the tie from around his neck. “You just need a little reminder.”

“Reminder of what?” You asked, tilting your head quizzically. 

Keigo flipped you, feathers pushing and bracing you as needed while nimble hands tore off your clothes without reverie.

“Plenty of things, especially with this attitude you’ve got today,” Keigo’s tie looped around your wrists, binding them together at the center of your back. 

“You definitely need a reminder of who’s the boss around here,” Keigo shoved you forward, stomach flush with the back of the couch.

You reeled from the pace of it all, shifting your knees for any bit of stimulation you could get. Keigo’s feathers were slicing and pulling your clothes from your body faster than you could keep track of. It was overwhelming, making your mind swim in the best possible way. You throbbed. 

“Maybe a reminder about who fucking provides for you,” Keigo’s own clothes were shaken off, dropped to the floor and forgotten.

It was true. Keigo always made sure than you were taken care of, in more ways than one. Despite how fast-paced and laid back he could seem, he was always on top of making sure you had more than enough material and immaterial pleasure whether than be in the form of food, fucking, or otherwise.

You yelped as a smack fell across your ass. A feather caught the elastic of your panties, snapping a moment later, leaving you fully bare before him. 

Keigo’s worn hand came to press at your throat and jaw, tilting your head back as he climbed behind you, “Maybe, you need a reminder about who keeps you safe.”

This phrase was softer than the others, a sweet kiss pressing to your cheek and his voice a bit more gentle. It was jarring at the skin still stung from his earlier strike, but you cherished the heat besides. 

Once again, true. The folks in and outside of the League were greedy. There were plenty of unwanted souls that stole glances at Hawks’s prized songbird. There were starved eyes that tore into you whether you were dolled up for Keigo or not. There had been some... close calls, one could say, but Keigo always was there, in the end, unafraid to get his hands dirty. 

“You know what the most important reminder is, dove?” Keigo rolled his hips against you, cock wedging between your thighs.

“N-no,” You stuttered, brain turning gooey as Keigo’s arms snaked around your waist, sharpened nails leaving indents in your hips.

He nosed at your neck, leaving a few love bites in his wake.“‘N-no’, what?” 

“I don’t know,” You leaned back into Keigo’s chest, rubbing your thighs around his cock. 

 “Oh, songbird, you sweet thing,” He chuckled, all teasing and self-indulgent. “I’m the one who makes you feel good.” 

He was so right, wasn’t he?

With the way he’d learned your body over the last few months, he’d had some undeniable pursuit to make you feel the best. 

Keigo was inquisitive by nature. He had kept you on your back for hours while he finger-fucked you, watching every twitch and roll of your hips to figure out just the right ways to break you. He’d kissed and sucked and slapped every inch of you, sussing out the perfect ways to make you writhe and cry for him. 

Sure, you were an absolute terror to him sometimes. Not to mention that Keigo jumping you covered in the blood of that day's targets was as macabre and horrifying as it sounded. 

But, fuck, if he didn’t know how to bring you to ecstasy that fucking ruined you in the best way. 

Keigo got off on watching you shatter for him. It was the reason he’d torn you from that cheap, bloodied apartment in the first place. A kind, naive little morsel that he could play with as he wanted. You didn’t complain. Fuck, you reveled in his attention. You gave it back to him, like the fucked up, semi-divine being could be any more debauched than he already was.

Corruption spreads, but you’d never complain. If being plucked from struggling for pennies to being fucked stupid by a man who could kill you at a moments notice, a man who would kill for you, somehow poisoned you?

You’d die with a bitter taste on your tongue and a smile on your face.

 Keigo rubbed at your clit, nipping at your neck, and rolled his hips greedily. His cock was covered in a mix of your slick and his own preek, easily sliding between plushness of your thighs.

“You love pushing me, acting all tough,” Keigo chastised, clicking his tongue. “I mean it when I say it's cute.”

You don’t have any more quick retorts in you, not when his fingers are down your throat, gagging you as spittle dribbles down your chin onto the leather below. It was sure to leave a mark.

“Behind all that bark and snark, you’re just a good girl, aren’t you?” Keigo punctuated his words with a bite and nip to your neck. “Just needed a reminder, right, dove?”

You whimpered against his fingers at the praise, grinding against Keigo’s touch needily. 

His fingers pushed pinched your tongue, breath curling over the shell of your ear, “What are you?”

You mumbled against his fingers, “A g-good g-girl.”

It was humiliating in the best way. Keigo’s light laugh at your attempt. The way he nuzzled his nose into the sweat at the crook of your shoulder was just aloe on the burn.

“I misspoke, if you can believe that,” Keigo’s cock pulled out from your thighs. “Songbird, you know what I meant to call you?”

You squirmed at the loss, but he was quick to hush you. His fingers left your mouth with a thick trail of spit. 

“You’re my good girl.” 

You melted in his arms.

Falling back against Keigo’s chest, you craned your neck to lock your lips to his. 

Maybe that was it, why all the filth didn’t bother you. Because you had worth. Maybe it was insecurity, or maybe it was self-aware in the face of your lived experience. Before being taken, the life you’d lived made you just a rusty cog in a dying machine. You wouldn’t have amounted to anything, probably. 

But with the League?

You were the prized, beloved consort of an angry god. 

Keigo owned you, body, mind and soul, and you let him. That’s not even to mention how you had him wrapped around your finger. He adored you, under all of it.

Fighting with him was for sport, not blood.

Keigo licked past your lips, pressing his cock to your cunt teasingly. You whined against him, wriggling in his arms.

“What does my good girl want?” Keigo loved making you beg for him, claw for any bit of stimulation. He liked it even better when you were already soft for him.

Stray tears pricked at your eyes, “Y-your cock.”

He pinched the meat of your thigh, shaking his head, “Not good enough. Speak properly, dove. Clear and correctly.”

You swallowed, searching for the words in your own haze.

Your words were willed to be solid.

“I want your cock, daddy.” 

It was just enough.

Keigo pushed forward, the head of his cock already stretching your cunt. Consider the girth of it, the lack of preparation stung and burned more than you would’ve liked, as good as it felt to finally be filled.

Keigo cooed at your soft tears, keeping your face to his with a firm hand on your jaw. He shushed you, far too sweetly while licking the salt from your cheeks, “Relax, angel. Big breaths.”

You nodded, sputtering as he speared into you. Keigo’s free hand went back to toying with your clit, encouraging the tension to drain from your body.

As he bottomed out, you shuddered, falling back into his chest. Keigo’s wings fluttered, twitching in wait. Hot breath fanned over your face, Keigo groaning and locking his jaw. 

The stimulation was overwhelming. You had expected Keigo to be meaner, considering how mouthy you’d been. 

Yet, it made sense. Keigo had figured out one of the better ways to make you break was softness. 

(Truthfully, it made him crack in the same way, but he’d never tell.)

“Feel that?” He asked, just barely rolling his hips. 

Keigo released your jaw in favor of wrapping a hand around the front of your throat, tugging you as close he could manage.

“Uh-huh,” You panted. 

You could, the kiss of his cock head against your cervix was almost uncomfortable. The delicious pressure and sensitivity already had you reeling in his arms, unsteady and wanting.

“I fill you up so good, don’t I?” Keigo praised his own ego, his cock, but he wasn’t wrong. The curve of his cock rubbed against all the right spots. He stretched you just right, the burn ebbing away into a need for more, more—

“Please, Keigo—” You gasped. Your legs shook as Keigo slammed into you, shoving you forward and into the wall.

His pace was brutal. Hands and feathers kept your back in a harsh arch as he rearranged your insides to his liking. He was kind enough to keep stroking at your clit, bruising your hips and babbling filthy nothings. 

“I’m the one who makes you feel this good, only me, right, dove?” Keigo growled into your ear with a particularly hard thrust.

You nodded against the wall, aware of the drool slipping down your chin as your mouth lolled open. Your insides were hot like white flames, searing any ability to use coherent speech. 

Keigo snickered at your state. Slowing, he gripped your ass cheeks. You yelped, inside jumping as he pried them apart. You flinched, hole twitching as he spat down, the liquid cool against the flushed skin.

It was little moves like that, Keigo just subtly making your shudder and feel dirty that got you the most fucked up and fucked out.

You pressed back on his cock, panting against the wall and keening. You would’ve spoke, if you could, but anything that you had the ability to say would’ve been torn apart by Keigo’s sharpened, silver tongue. 

“My filthy little dove, huh?” Keigo sneered, watching you try to bounce on his cock the best you could. “Such a glutton when you get broken down like this, needy whore.”

The pleasure of Keigo’s cock tearing up your insides was all you could focus on through the fog of your mind, desperate and wanting and greedy.

“Y-your,” You corrected, the words bubbling from your lips, disjointed and messy. “Yours.”

Keigo may have been avian, but he purred like a damn cat at your admission. He held you like a possession, cock throbbing as he fucked you just right. 

“God, you’re sweet, angel,” He nipped at your jaw before wrapping his hand around your throat. “Even all fucked up, you know who you belong to so well, don’t you?”

You nodded, rolling your hips back. 

Keigo must’ve taken pity on you, squeezing at the sides of your neck. Cruel as he could be, he must’ve noticed the way your thighs and knees trembled against the leather. Keigo knew the cloud in your eyes well— how to get you hazy and how to fuck you perfectly through the fog.

He fucked back into your dripping cunt, pace harder and faster than before. You were helpless to do anything other than fall forward into the wall, cheek squished against the scarlet. 

“Who’s brat are you?” Keigo squeezed a bit harder at your neck as you swallowed against his palm.

“Y-yours—!” You squeaked out, mind going numb from the stimulation and pressure.

A wicked sneer curled against your ear as Keigo’s movements grew sloppier. His tongue lolled over your shoulder, messy kisses and slobbery bites and marks left in his wake. He was close, but you weren’t far off easier.

“Little bird,” It was sweeter, closer and hotter. “Can you come for me? Come all over my cock?”

You nodded.

“Not good enough.” Keigo bit down, nearly breaking the fragile skin of your neck. “You know I like words, angel.”

You gave him words, plenty of them. 

Nearly incoherent pleads and cries poured from your bruised lips as Keigo pounded into you. Each blabbering wail was met with Keigo groans and grunts, condescending little phrases spitting over you without release.

Your lack of leverage and use of your arms made you thumping against the couch and wall, vision darkening on the edges as the pressure in your gut and the hold on your throat remained. 

You were breaking in his arms, tears rolling down your cheeks as you held yourself from cresting. The exertion of it all was taking its toll, legs jellied and chest beading with sweat. 

Keigo sensed it, shifting his hips to hit the spongy spot in your cunt, “Come, dove.”

You let go.

A sob shattered in your throat as your climax crashed through you. Keigo released your throat, holding you by your bound arms as he bottomed out. His own harsh cry panged against yours as he stuffed you full. 

Surprisingly gently, he rocked his hips against your own, letting the ambient throb of your cunt milk him dry.

You came down, rolling and spinning as you sucked down air a bit too fast. Keigo panted behind you, though the sound seemed dull.

The pressure from your wrists released, soft thumbs rubbing at where the fabric had bitten into your forearms, “Hey, angel, you with me?”

You could only nod weakly, exhaustion and aches creeping in. 

Keigo repositioned the two of you, setting himself against the arm of the couch, wings up free to drape and splay over the floor. He dragged you with him, pulling you to lay on his chest. The stickiness of his spunk, your slick, and general sweatiness might’ve been uncomfortable, but you weren’t quite lucid enough to care.

“How are you feeling? Still feeling a little mouthy?” Keigo teased, already knowing your answer. 

You muffled a groan against his chest, shaking your head against the sweat of his chest. 

“Awww,” Keigo chuckled, fingers brushing over your cheeks, “Is my dove a little fucked out?”

“Keeeigo, b-be nice.”

Your voice broke, parched.

Keigo snorted, pressing a kiss to the side of your forehead, “I guess I can manage that. Just for you, though. Can’t let the others see me get all soft.”

You wouldn’t; seeing Keigo warm and gooey, both of you mutually fucked-out, was a pleasure only you got to indulge in. And you loved every moment of it. 

++++++++++++

taglist: @sinclairsamess (msg me if you’d like to be on it!)

ko-fi

#salem writes #hawks x reader #takami keigo x reader #takami keigo #hawks x y/n #hawks x you #takami keigo x y/n #takami keigo x you #mha smut #mha x reader #bnha x reader #hawks #hawks smut #hawks fanfiction #takami keigo smut

[baubaes]

hi! is there a chance for Jemily with no22? some angst maybe? cheers🤗

Well hello to you to! And of course there is!

@thatonecurlygirl prompt list 22

“I can’t give you what you want.”

Ship: Emily Prentiss x Jennifer Jareau

Word count: 5,4k

Genre: angst/hurt/fluff/very very light nsfw? i have no clue how to label this

Warnings: mentions of violence, death, injuries, classic criminal minds vibes :^)))

Summary: "Right now, Emily Prentiss was dead. She, however, was on a plane to Paris." aka JJ taking care of staked Emily, the blackbird flashback and events around it.

A/N: i thought of way too many scenarios when even though Emily and JJ are literally in love, it could never work out. here's one of them :^) i hope you'll enjoy it!! xx ana apparently i just can't imagine a scenario in which these characters could have a peaceful, quiet and happy life, im so sorry

Emily felt drained.

She was all hurting, really bad, her head was killing her, not only from the beating she received those several days ago, but also the mere stress of all this.

It was pretty baffling for her to realize that she survived this whole ordeal.

She couldn’t say for how long she was out; it felt both like a blink of an eye and an eternity.

And she really thought that she died, when she eventually lost consciousness in Morgan’s arms. That still felt like ages ago.

It was all really confusing, but then again, she couldn’t spare too much of her strength to dwell on what actually happened. Emily just felt too weak to try to keep her eyes open for too long and that resulted in her reality being pretty much scattered.

When she woke up in a hospital room, she was dazed and overwhelmed. They’ve put her on some strong painkillers after the surgery and most of the time right then felt like a blur. She thought she heard some voices in her dream, maybe doctors, maybe… Was it JJ?

She heard bits and pieces of conversations, somebody commenting on her condition in a low voice, nervous footsteps circling around the room, the dimmed rhythmical sounds of all the equipment she was hooked to, some sort of buzzing and a one sided conversation that had to be a phone call.

Was it just some bizarre dream?

A way for her subconscious mind to cope with the anxiety surrounding the recent events?

Whether it was real or not, it let her stay in this state of slumber brought to her through an IV drip.

Despite all that, she felt really grateful. She wasn’t sure where to channel this gratitude though;

Her team for backing her up?

The doctors for patching her up in the OR?

God, for allowing her to continue her existence?

Then again, she wasn’t sure if the last one existed, nor that the almighty entity would waste its time on making sure little old her survives.

It was comforting though, that her last moments on this Earth managed not to be spent with Doyle, even if that was against her will, so in theory, she didn’t have much of control over this.

Memories of him were a combination of ones that she’s made as Emily Prentiss and ones that she’s made as Lauren Reynolds. As Emily, it consisted of all those moments when he threatened her and her team, he kidnapped her, tortured her, nearly killed her…

As Lauren she was able to saw his more… Humane side.

Lauren was his girlfriend. Lauren lived with him,

Lauren shared her joys and fears with him. Lauren loved him.

But that was Lauren.

She wasn’t real. An identity, that’s all that she was.

And even though Emily tried to convince herself that Lauren’s feelings were perfectly compartmentalized away from her own, deep down she knew she was lying to herself.

Was Doyle ever somebody she actually loved?

She definitely despised him, but it felt like now she was obligated to despise even her own self for ever having feelings for this monster. Positive ones anyway.

Right now, Emily Prentiss was dead.

She, however, was on a plane to Paris.

It was all coordinated by Hotchner and JJ.

Nobody else knew.

Her team, her friends, her loved ones were about to attend her funeral in a few days.

She imagined confused look on Spencer’s face, Garcia’s eyes filled with tears, Morgan frowning and looking away. Would Rossi be sad, or would he finally feel relieved to be ridded of her impulsiveness and comments on literally everything?

She imagined her mother, who obviously was not on it, throwing a pile of soil on the coffin. That would not hold her body inside. Would she cry? Would she stay composed even at a funeral of her only child? Well, again, it wasn’t real real, but she wouldn’t be able to realize that.

For some reason, she figured JJ would’ve taken it upon herself to feel guilty, despite knowing what was going on.

They both knew it was the only way to make it all work.

Emily worried about everyone, but there were two people she worried about the most. Spencer and Penelope.

They both were incredibly strong, but she couldn’t be sure how would they deal with this.

She worried, since Reid did not cope well with losing authorities. And even if he would never admit it to her face, she knew that he looked up to her.

The thought of that made her feel the bile appear on the back of her throat.

That kid has lost so many people already… And he internalized all that, it had to be weighing on him every single day. It felt cruel to add another person to that list.

She had to keep thinking about the bigger picture to even remotely be able to deal with all that.

Now Garcia was somebody that Emily truly loved.

It was hard to imagine her being sad over her „death”.

Not because of the probability of the blonde being sad,

rather the severity of her grieving, Emily would imagine.

Penelope was one of those people who were able to feel so much, maybe even too much sometimes.

And on a daily basis it was wonderful. That’s what’s made her such an incredible, empathetic human being, who, despite their job, was still able to not only - be cheerful, but to cheer others up as well.

When she thought of that, it felt as if her heart could break to million pieces.

It was strange, how in that moment she should still feel the pain;

They’ve stabilized her after the surgery, but there were still bruises on her face, stitches across her abdomen, burnt skin on her chest. And she did feel it, but it was blurred, far away.

The feeling that made her grasp reality to the point of hyperawareness was the emotional pain.

Somehow she was able to compare it to the pain of being staked.

She still wasn’t sure what was a proper emotional response in that situation.

It wasn’t in the manual, or in training, despite people having to go… Well, faking your own death was like going undercover, in a way.

Both at the Interpol and the FBI, nobody taught her how to feel, while pretending to be dead.

She knew how to make it happen technically, more or less. After all, Lauren had already died. Her old team, JTF-12, was able to pull that off those several years ago. Including her of course.

But that was Lauren. An identity, which, sure, she’s been tied to for quite some time, living as her, acting like her, becoming her in a way.

Still, just an identity.

Right now, there wasn’t a disguise, an identity to toss away, allowing her to come back to her regular life.

Right now her regular life was supposed to cease to exist.

Before, she thought about her goal and the fact, that she survived. She was grateful, in some way she felt obligated to take care of Declan and she wouldn't be able to do that, if she was actually dead, right?

Even though she knew that she had no right to feel attached to the boy as much as she did, she just couldn’t help it. The image of him as a toddler, walking around the room in Doyle’s house stuck in her head. She couldn’t shake it off. And even before Doyle found her, that image caused her to have problems with falling asleep from time to time.

Emily never seriously thought of herself becoming a mother, for that role to be the main purpose of her life. She was afraid of screwing her potential children up, because she knew that even if she meant well, it wouldn’t guarantee them turning out okay. And her line of work made it impossible to both realistically approach the idea of maternity - she didn’t have a partner and if she were to be a single mother - it would be impossible to keep up with the BAU - that job was just too demanding; but also she saw so many downright evil, just unimaginable things that people were capable of doing to one another. How could she ever be able to shield a child from that?

Suddenly, all these ridiculous, small things that she wouldn’t think twice about made her feel as if each and every part of her life was just slipping through her fingers, right there, right then.

That one window in her apartment, the one with the wide windowsill, she loved to sit on it and watch the sky. Sergio would curl up in her lap or right next to her, on the windowsill, quietly purring, when she would pet his black fur. It didn’t happen often, because most nights she'd come home so exhausted, all she could basically do was just pass out on her bed. And Sergio would sleep on a pillow right next to her, despite Emily's promises to herself that she will teach him to stop, because she'd wake up covered in his fur with a runny nose.

But when she had a chance to do that, it made her mind stop racing, at least for a few minutes. That barely ever happened anywhere else.

Now she realized that Sergio was alone in her apartment and she panicked. But just for a second, because then she remembered JJ in the hospital, telling her that Penelope took him in. Of course she did. He'd definitely be surrounded with love. She wished she could've just taken him with her though, since she's already been missing him. Silly little fur ball, making her fall in love with him gradually. Penelope wouldn't be able to resist his charm for sure, she thought to herself, smiling. Still, she felt really sad.

Emily realized that she’s left so many things behind.

She didn’t think of herself as someone intensively attached to material possessions, but all these had a sentimental value for her and that was the only thing that mattered.

The thoughts invading her head were random, coming to her without any particular sense or order, falling on her mind like an avalanche.

And she thought about that crumpled up picture, capturing her with her friends when she was a teenager, back in Rome.

A cross, that her mother gave her on her first communion. She wasn’t ever really wearing it, but she liked knowing that it was safely tucked away in one of the drawers in her closet. It brought her some strange kind of comfort.

A box with letters she’d exchange with her father when she was a kid, because even though they moved around together as a family, he still would have assignments all around the world. So he would leave for a single weekend, or for several months at a time. No matter how long or short was he leaving for, he’d always try and send her a postcard, hence the collection of them, both from huge cities in Europe and Asia and tiny places she’s never even heard of before in America or Australia.

Maybe she wasn’t going through this box ritually on some settled schedule, but every once in a while she would look at those tacky pictures of touristy little towns, as well as simple, beautiful pictures of great historical monuments or watercolored landscapes of picturesque countrysides. And they'd make the corners of her lips rise up just a tiny bit.

All that with a couple words reading simple greetings, scribbled in a hurry, in her dad’s small, not exactly neat handwriting, on the back of each and every one of them.

„Love you, Dad” summed up every single message.

And looking at those words made her feel warmth, both now and when she was a little girl. Her father wasn’t very talkative and he rarely told her he loved her unprompted. So she got used to reading these words, instead of hearing them from him.

She cherished these postcards and anytime she’d go through them, she noticed some kind of feeling spread throughout her body, that felt like pure joy, but also love and safety.

Kurt Vonnegut’s "Sirens of Titan".

Morgan lent it to her a few months ago.

The book was by her bed, bookmarked with some crumpled receipt for groceries she’d found at the bottom of her purse, when she'd had to suddenly break away from Rumfoord and Kazak on the jet.

She’s read it before, truth be told, (in Italian and back in the ’80s), but Morgan insisted that she just had to read the original version. And even though there was a stack of books she wanted to read going back at least two years sitting on her bedroom floor, dangerously leaning against the radiator, the day she brought it home, she placed the Sirens on the very top of her bedside table, instead of the stack.

She’d imagine Morgan would appreciate that gesture.

Morgan, her partner.

Morgan, who held her before she passed out.

Morgan, who always had her back.

And she tried to do the same for him in the field.

He’s saved her ass countless times.

Emily wished she could have had his back right now.

She realized with a paralyzing fear that it could last forever.

Doyle could lay low, undetected for years.

Would it keep Morgan up at night?

Would he blame himself, wondering?

If he'd gotten to her seconds earlier, if he had only ran faster, if he’d found her sooner, would it change anything?

Thinking about that made her fists clench suddenly.

If she had any fingernails left, they would surely dig into the skin of her palms very painfully right now.

Emily felt this overwhelming guilt filling her chest, making her throat feel as if it was closing, her teeth grit.

She felt like she couldn’t breathe, as if the jet’s cabin had become decompressed and she couldn't reach the oxygen mask.

"You’re doing okay?"

She heard the soft and calming voice of her only companion on this flight, naturally besides the pilot.

JJ was looking at her with those big, worried, blue eyes and even though Emily’s first instinct was to nod, as she did just that, she felt her eyes watering.

"I can't stand the thought of all of them grieving over a lie."

She mumbled out.

"Emily, you know that this is the only way. We’d never make them go through this, if there were any other options. They will understand."

JJ’s voice became more firm with the last sentence, she was obviously in a mind space reserved for dealing with crisis.

"I really thought that was it, you know?"

Emily asked, a little startled at the sound of her own voice.

She couldn’t recall the last time she’s held an actual conversation with another person, one that wouldn’t consist of barely understandable mumbling as a form of communication on her end.

"There came that point, where the pain went away, I guess I went into shock. I heard Morgan’s voice and I wanted to keep my eyes open like he told me to so bad, but I just couldn’t. I felt like I was slipping away and it felt so… Easy. I wasn’t scared at all. I… I knew you guys would take care of Declan, if I wasn’t around. And that all of you would be okay."

She said, trying to piece together everything that happened.

"And apparently I've coded in the ambulance? I had no idea, but some glimpses are coming back to me, slowly. But it was like I’d fallen asleep."

She added, her face reflecting her mind in a state of deep contemplation.

Her thoughts were interrupted by JJ’s voice.

"Thank God, you didn’t…"

Emily only now noticed that with every word that she spoke, JJ’s eyes became more and more glossy. She frowned.

"Hey, I’m here."

She leaned in and smiled faintly.

"Its gonna take way more than some branding and a little stake for you to get rid of me."

JJ laughed, wiping the tears away, before they had a chance to flow down her cheeks.

"Why would I ever want to get rid of you?"

Blonde asked, her voice now soft, her expression puzzled.

Emily felt something strange in her chest.

At first her brain assumed it had to be her burnt skin and damaged nerve endings, but no.

It felt nice, it wasn’t painful.

That warmth, spilling around her insides.

She didn’t have a witty comeback to her question. She wanted to think it was because of the meds making her hazy, but she wasn’t sure anymore. She just looked down at her chest and frowned again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The first thing I’m doing, when we get to Paris is having this removed."

She heard her own voice.

"How could a brand hurt more than getting staked?"

"Maybe it’s a psychosomatic itch you’re scratching? The brand left an emotional toll, Doyle established dominance over you by marking you as his, a stake… I mean you overcame death. The ultimate victory over your foe. Why suffer a pain you’re proud of?"

JJ wondered, actually trying to analyze all that. She looked at her, now amused.

"Or you could always get another tattoo."

Emily laughed at that. JJ continued.

"You know, something transformative? Like a… A phoenix. Or a blackbird."

"I love the song."

Emily said.

"But something tells me, I shouldn’t tread in your waters."

JJ looked at her with a questioning look.

"Come on, JJ. Something’s obviously different about you. You commandeered an Interpol jet. You’re profiling me."

JJ looked down and sighed. Emily continued.

"Why didn’t you say your transfer was a backstop?"

At that JJ’s expression turned to a confused one, indicating that what the other woman said was the truth.

"Oh, I know that look. The 'I can’t trust anyone, but myself' look. I invented it."

Emily added, trying to make it sound funny, but ultimately, it still came out serious, because it was true. JJ smiled at her slightly, but she looked sad.

"Do you ever feel like you’re in way over your head?" Emily nodded, wanting her to continue.

"I got assigned to an information hunt. Instead, I am chasing an unsub, who killed my informant."

"What would Hotch tell you to do?" Emily asked without hesitation. That’s how she found her way around during any investigation, ever since she joined the BAU.

"Focus on victimology, let behavior lead the way…"

JJ listed out loud.

"Exactly. Who did your unsub kill?"

"The one person I was getting through to."

"Why?"

Emily continued with her questions, seeing that they initiated JJ’s thought process.

"Because I was getting through to…" JJ said, frowning.

"I was getting through to her. What if she was about to expose her killer? Someone on the inside…"

Emily could tell that JJ needed somebody else to look at her situation and see it in from a different angle. JJ got really pensive, her eyes glued to some nonexistent point in space.

"It sounds like it's time for you to be the blackbird and flip the script." Emily said slowly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I guess it does." JJ said with a tiny smile, before getting up.

"Hey, why won’t you try and sleep at least a while? We won’t be landing for several hours, so…"

"Right. You should try and sleep too. I’ve been in a coma, so I caught some Zs, when you think about it. Medically induced ones, but still. You on the other hand must be exhausted."

Emily’s face was covered in grey, purple and yellow spots, but JJ’s face, even though not bruised, still indicated that she had a rough couple of days. She had bags under her eyes, her cheeks pale, instead of slightly flushed like they normally were, her face tired.

They both looked quite miserable.

JJ just smiled in response, but her eyes weren’t a part of that smile. Her eyes stayed sad.

She walked to another seat, so she could try and lie down.

Emily wanted to let JJ rest, because she suspected that by suggesting sleeping, she actually had an excuse to take a nap herself, even if it was supposed to last only few minutes. She deserved a good night sleep, Emily thought to herself, watching the blonde struggling to find a comfortable position. When she eventually succeeded, Prentiss leaned back in her own seat, looking out the window. Her chest was still burning, but she wouldn’t even flinch. Her eyes, almost independently from her will, landed on the other woman every couple of minutes. She watched JJ’s chest move rhythmically, until her breathing became really deep and really steady and she was without a doubt asleep.

She knows what’s happening,

Emily thought to herself.

And so does Hotchner.

Yet, they’re going to have to look at the rest being in pain and they’re going to have to pretend that they’re going through the same thing.

And when she thought about Hotch, it wasn’t that hard to imagine.

He would keep himself perfectly composed in pretty much any situation she ever saw him in.

He was able to calculate his next move without showing as much as a microexpression.

It could be a little unsettling sometimes, but then again when he was surrounded by his family, when he was with Jack, he would expose this softer and loving side of himself. Just a bit. It was quite the view.

Emily had no doubt that he was a good father. And a good man.

He really was great at planning, thinking ahead like no one else;

he had his way of smoothly dealing with issues that inevitably came up during their investigations.

All those things made him an incredible section chief.

Emily was certain that she could trust him with her life. And she did.

It would be hard for anyone to keep such a burdening secret from people you are constantly around.

Eventually, you could start believing the lie, but that also took dedication. It was even harder when you had to lie to people that were actually a part of your life, people that you were close to.

It’s one thing to be undercover and to keep a secret from people you’re trying to infiltrate. During such operations it felt justified to do that, choosing the lesser evil, the end justify the means and all that.

It’s a completely different thing to do that to your friends and family.

"The secret to getting away with lying is believing with all your heart. That goes for lying to yourself even more so than lying to another."

A quote by the author Elizabeth Bear, that she's memorized from reading her New Amsterdam series more than once. She was repeating it in her mind, not being able to stop.

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath in. She knew that they made the right call. Still, it was just devastating, thinking what they voluntarily sentenced themselves to.

She tried to calm herself down with proper breathing. It helped.

Emily finally decided to try to sleep. She thought that since she was still medicated, she’d pass out easily, but that didn’t happen.

Every time she closed her eyes, she saw faces of her team members. She felt like her chest was being crushed. Breathing didn't really help.

After what felt like forever of forcing herself to fall asleep without any luck, she opened her eyes and just kept them open. She focused her gaze on what was behind the window.

The clouds, barely visible in the navy skies.

She didn’t do it on purpose, but she realized that she started to dissociate.

And she let herself do it.

The numbness felt better than the stinging guilt.

She didn’t really register it, but tears left her eyes, falling on her lashes and cheeks, as her deep, dark eyes focused on the navy color in front of her, forty thousand feet above the ground.

She couldn’t tell how long it took, but only JJ’s turning in her sleep, simultaneously throwing a bag off the seat made Emily come back to reality. Blonde didn’t wake up. She looked really peaceful.

She thought about not seeing her for God knows how long. It stung, to a point of her gasping. Afraid, that maybe that could’ve woken her up, Emily wiped her tears away, but JJ’s eyes stayed closed. And these intrusive thoughts came back to roam inside her head.

Sure, JJ wouldn’t be with the BAU now, since she’s had that informant operation, but no doubt, she would still see them. They were a huge part of her life after all.

Emily watched her face, calm and soft, imaging it twisted in pain and grief, having to pretend one of their own was dead.

In her mind, JJ was one of the strongest people she knew. She was persistent, hardworking and incredibly professional, but she was also kind, nurturing and very loyal.

What she was doing for her at this very moment proved it perfectly.

She knew that JJ accepted her part in this plan on her own and if she were to start trying to talk her out of it (never mind that it was also too late for that at this point), she wouldn’t change her mind. To be fair, if they switched places, she would do the same for JJ, but still, she couldn’t stop worrying about the woman sleeping on a seat across from her.

Emily watched her friend and it brought her some sort of comfort, a feeling of safety.

She finally dozed off, trying not to think, but focused on JJ’s steady breathing instead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Emily, we’ll be landing in about an hour."

She heard, opening her eyes, and she saw JJ standing in front of her, one of her hands on her shoulder.

"I thought you’d like to change before the transfer."

Emily’s hand landed on top of hers, holding both of them on her shoulder.

"Oh, right. Thank you, I…" she looked down at their hands, trying to focus. "We’ll have to say goodbye soon, right?" she blurted out, looking back at her face.

JJ sighed and sat down right next to her, not taking her hand away, but instead, intertwining their fingers and resting both their hands in Emily’s lap.

"Well, it seems so."

She smiled, but her eyes were reddened, filling with tears once again.

Emily’s gaze was glued to their hands, watching JJ’s wrist and fingers, so delicate right now, but perfectly capable of throwing a good punch. Her eyes stopped at the ring on her finger; Henry’s birthstone. She felt that strange feeling again, that warmth spreading throughout her body.

"It’s not going to last forever. We will find Doyle."

JJ mumbled out and Emily held her breath.

"I know, but… I will miss you so much."

Emily said, before instinctually putting her arms around blonde’s waist, to which she responded with wrapping her arms around her neck. JJ tried to be gentle, because of Emily’s condition, but brunette only held her tighter.

They were so close right now, that she could hear the other woman’s heartbeat. It was slightly elevated.

JJ pulled back just a little, so she could look at her face.

"I will miss you as well." she whispered, their eyes laid on each other.

JJ said the next sentence so quietly, that Emily could barely hear it.

"You’re very special to me, you know that?"

Emily wouldn’t be able to logically explain why she did what she did next, but somehow her hands ended up on both sides of JJ’s face and she leaned in, placing her lips on blonde’s ones.

She wasn’t thinking, but as she kissed her, the other woman immediately kissed her back. Emily felt soft palms cupping her face, her eyes closed. That kiss was filled with so much pain and longing and some kind of desperation.

But it made her whole body fill up with that warmth.

Emily wasn’t even sure what that was, so she tried to be gentle. She ended up kissing JJ in a somewhat shy manner, yet the other agent was deepening the kiss with each second, making it more and more passionate. Emily felt her back hitting the wall and a moan left her throat, captured by the kiss. JJ reacted by slowing down, moving her fingers across her face, running them through her hair. Emily was still cupping JJ’s face, her skin felt so soft and warm under her fingers when she brushed them across her cheeks. Their tongues slowly swirling around one another, this time Emily caused JJ to gasp, as she bit her lower lip. She responded with kissing brunette even more eagerly, so Emily brushed her fingers along her neck, resting them on her shoulders. One of her hands was caressing the skin covering JJ’s collarbone. At that she sighed, barely audibly, but Emily caught it. Her fingers moved towards the skin covering her breastbone.

JJ suddenly pulled back and broke the kiss, leaving both of them breathing heavily, blood flowing through their cheeks and lips.

Emily placed her hands back on JJ’s shoulders, she didn’t mean to make her feel uncomfortable.

Finally, after what felt like forever, she broke the silence.

"JJ, I…" she didn’t even know what to say. It wasn’t right. She had a loving husband, a family. She didn’t mean to ruin it for her.

"We don’t have to talk about this." she said quickly and Emily felt strange. She took her hands off of her shoulders and leaned back, so there was space between them.

"I… Dont… Look, if we won’t see each other for…"

She started, but her voice broke, when she realized what expression showed up on JJ’s face.

Regret.

Emily felt so many contradicting things in that moment, that she basically froze. JJ was looking away.

"You went through something traumatic, we all did. It’s only natural to crave human contact then. And it can present itself in many different ways. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s fine."

"JJ, it means… It means everything for me."

Emily choked out, placing her hand on top of blonde’s. JJ turned her hand, so she could squeeze Emily’s one between her fingers.

She smiled looking at their hands, but only for a fraction of a second. And then she took her hand away, only to look Emily straight in her eyes. She seemed sad, but also… Agitated.

"I can’t give you what you want, Emily." she said quickly, getting up.

"There’s too many reasons why. And… You have to leave."

JJ stated, sort of matter-of-factly.

Emily couldn’t really comprehend what just happened. But all of the pain, both physical and mental suddenly came back, not dimmed anymore.

This was… This wasn’t the time for this. Come on, Emily, it’s time to compartmentalize again. You used to be so good at this!

Well, before joining the team anyway.

"We’re landing in 15. You have to change, definitely cover up these bruises at least a bit." JJ continued talking, her voice morphing back to that task-oriented tone. She was taking clothes and makeup out of the bags, handing the items to her. "Hurry."

Emily felt like she couldn’t move, but she forced herself to get up and do what she needed to. They weren’t looking at each other and even though she wanted to scream, she kept perfectly quiet.

Compartmentalize. It’s not the time. It didn’t mean anything.

They landed and after JJ made sure that the right person was waiting outside to drive Emily to a safehouse, she stood in front of her and hugged her. Emily wasn’t really expecting that right now, since the atmosphere was so tense.

"I will miss you, no matter what." JJ whispered and even though Emily was so stunned from the pain and all around confused, she knew they couldn’t part without a proper goodbye.

"Thank you, for everything. Take care of them." Emily said and she embraced her tightly, one last time. Emily wanted to say that she’ll miss her like crazy, but it felt both like too much and not enough.

She didn’t want to let them turn this into a final goodbye.

"Of course. I will see you soon, okay?" JJ smiled and Emily smiled back. It wasn’t the best forced smile, but she just couldn’t do better in that moment.

"Goodbye, Jennifer." she said sounding way too official, taking a first step out.

"Goodbye, Emily."

Prentiss turned away and quickly made her way to the parked car.

She saw JJ’s face one last time through the tiny window.

The car left the landing strip and disappeared in the night.

„Goodbye, Emily.” she thought to herself, as she caught her own reflection in the side mirror.

„Goodbye, Emily.”

JJ whispered, placing a red rose on the coffin.

#jemily #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #emily prentiss #aaron hotchner #spencer reid #derek morgan #penelope garcia #lauren reynolds #Criminal minds s6e18 #Criminal minds jemily #david rossi #jemily angst #fanfic #jemily paris #sad jemily #why am i like this #they deserve to be together #jennifer jareau #jennifer jareau x emily prentiss #emily prentiss x jennifer jareau

[moeruhoshi]

Natsu bringing up the subject of wanting children to Lucy for the first time

OMFG ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THE ORIGINAL RETURNED IM GONNA KICK SOMEONE

Natsu sighed as he twirled his fingers absentmindedly, sitting at his usual table in the guild. He’d been grateful that Levy had taken his wife on a girl’s only quest that would last a week, giving him an appropriate amount of time to sort out the messy thoughts he had.

It had been two wonderful years since they finally tied the knot after their many years of friendship that transpired into dating, and now, he had the best wife in the guild. Alzack would probably argue that Bisca was the best, but he was surely too shy to make such a public declaration.

Natsu loved Lucy more and more each day, thankful he was able to wake up with her and not get kicked out of bed. Going to bed with her was just as nice, and depending on the night...well, you know.

She’d moved out of her apartment and into his house, after a very intense discussion on how clean he and Happy would need to keep things. He’d do anything to keep her there once she moved in, or moreso anything to keep her comfy bed where his hammock used to be.

Recently Natsu had thought about expanding their home by making a room for them, a room for Happy, and a room for...the little fledgling he’d had a sudden desire to hold.

Seeing Al with Asuka, Macao with Romeo, Levy with her twins, even Gildarts with Cana, made his thoughts wander to having a baby of his own. He loved kids and was known for being one himself, so he worried that maybe Lucy wouldn’t want to make such a big commitment.

He could practically hear what she’d say to him;

“Eh? You want us to have a baby? I’d have to hire a nanny for the both of you! There’s no way you’re mature enough to take care of a kid!”

And he had his rebuttal prepared;

“I raised Happy, didn’t I? And he turned out just—“

Okay...maybe Happy the best example.

As much as he loved his little buddy, Happy was a rascal, and knew just how to pick on Lucy’s nerves. But he teased out of love! And did it less now that they were living together.

But she’d seen him with Asuka before, and played nice with the twins. He would have totally been their babysitter when metal breath and Levy went on missions if not for the fact that Gajeel trusted Juvia way more.

And he’d been saving money! Money was important if he wanted to have a kid, so he secretly put away ten thousand jewel from every quest they took. He nearly had a million or two stashed away, plus now that Lucy didn’t need to pay rent, they had a lot more they were able to spend between them. The extra money would give her some peace of mind when they’d be too busy to go out on jobs, it’d surely be enough to manage their lifestyles as they took time to learn a new routine.

He cooked a lot too, learning from Mira how to make anything but burnt campfire fish. Lucy was obviously better than him, but his food wasn’t half bad! Lucy was gonna need a lot of bed rest after having their kid, so he wanted to let her know he could take care of her in that sense too.

Natsu wasn’t gonna lie, he also thought his pregnant Lucy would look...just amazing. He imagined rubbing her swollen belly as they laid together in bed, or pressing his ear against it to feel the baby kick and heat them moving around. She’d get moody and tired and he’d wait on her hand and foot, even carry her around if she wanted it. He’d take care of her in...other ways too, much to his own delight.

So he’d been sitting in the same spot for nearly a week, nervous as it became the day before Lucy would arrive home. He was finally gonna bring it up...maybe...no definitely! Or...

“Okay, spill it,” Cana plopped herself in the seat across from the dragon slayer, starling him out of his thoughts. “I’ve been watching you make the same five faces all week and it’s starting to get annoying.”

“Sheesh, Cana, I don’t gotta tell you an—“ Natsu yelped as she cut off his sass with a flick to the forehead, grumbling as he rubbed the now sore spot.

“Oh, hush. Don’t get an attitude with me, I’m here to help. You’re plannin’ to tell my Lulu something important, right? As her interim guardian, I need to be breifed before you say a word to her. And it better not be some shit about divorce or so help me, Dragneel, you’ll never walk again,” The card mage warned as she rose a suspicious eyebrow to him and drank from the pint she’d brought along with her.

“Geez, I’d never leave Lucy!” He quickly clarified as she still looked at him sideways. “It’s nothing bad...it’s just that I wanted to have a serious conversation with her,”

“Which is...?” Cana drawled on her question until he finally sighed and gave in to her curiosity.

“I want, I want us to have a kid,” Natsu quickly slapped a hand over the brunette’s lips as she almost yelled out to the whole guild. Luckily enough, everyone was too occupied with their usual hustle and bustle to pay attention to the intimate subject. “Don’t you dare!”

“Alright, alright! I won’t say a word! But oh my gosh, a little Natsu and Lucy! I’d reach that kid everythin’ I know, ‘specially about drink—“

“This isn’t about you, Cana,” He rolled his eyes and stopped her before she could go on, but smiled as she did, unable to hide his excitement.

“I know, but! Ugh! Okay, I really have to tell someone—“ The dragon slayer quickly snatched her wrist in his hold before she could make off with the information.

“No way! I only told you because you said you wanted to help me!”

“Oh yeah, sorry, got carried away,” She retook her seat and hummed with lips now puckered as she thought. “What’s got ya so nervous? She’s your wife, ain’t she? I figured something like this would be easy to talk about,”

“Yeah, but I don’t know if Lucy thinks I’m ready. It’s a lot of responsibility and I’m not the most responsible...but I know I could be,” Natsu frowned as his worries began to churn again. “I’m ready to be a dad,”

“Then it’s as simple as that. You need to voice your concerns with her or she’ll never know how you’re feeling.” Cana said as she took a swig from her barrel-like stein. “And you’ve practically taken care of us all since we were kids, I don’t think there’s anyone better suited to raise a someone, you’re a good guy, Natsu.”

Cana’s words provided the strength he’d been looking for all week, encouraging him to take the leap and bring up the difficult question with his wife.

He even planned to set the mood; sending Happy off to Wendy’s for a couple nights, cleaning the house, washing their sheets, ordering flowers and chocolate-covered strawberries Lucy couldn’t get enough of. He showered like crazy too, styled his hair, wore a nice suit, even let his stubble grow in. That was one

#fairy tail #nalu #natsu dragneel #lucy heartfilia #natsu and lucy #natsu x lucy #nalu fanfiction #lucy and natsu #lucy x natsu #fairy tail nalu

[pbandjesse]

Guess who got sunburnt!! I havent bee outside for any amount of time for almost 2 months and I got outside and get sunburnt! I was even wearing sunscreen! Unacceptable. 

But today was a great day. I slept pretty well last night. I woke up a few times like. Slightly panicked because I knew I had to be awake at 730 so we could leave at 8. But I did wake up on time and I got showered and dressed and felt good. James and me got everything together and were out the door on time.

It was weird to be out in the world. I saw way more hitchhiking them I was expecting. But like. Its baltimore. It was also just weird to be in the car for so long. Its normally like a 3 hour drive to my parents house but we made it in about 2 and a half. 

It was a good drive. We didnt see many cars on the highway but one of the few we saw almost hit the barrier and that was distressing. I was expecting to see their car flipped over down the road but we didnt see them again. 

We got to my parents at 1030 and it was so hard no to hug my mom and dad. But we did a good job James wore a mask basically all day. I only sometimes wore mine. I mostly just tried to give a lot of space. Sometimes it went better then others. But in general it was good. 

We brought out own chairs. And Sat in the backyard with mom and dad. But soon dad went to get my brother. I was very excited to see him. 

They were gone for a while. But it was good to talk to mom. Her hair has gotten so long!! I dont think Ive ever seen her hair that long, even when I was a kid. 

It was really good to see my brother. He has a backbrace on but he's walking good enough. 

We let Steve play on our Switch to see our town. He seemed to like it. It was fun showing him but like. It was hard to not be like next to him pointing at stuff. Everything felt hard and weird today. But we tried our best to be safe. 

We had burgers and snacks. Dad bought a badminton set for some reason and so I said Hey dad lets play. So me and dad and James went up to the hill to play. And it was more fun than I expected. And it turns out James is really into badminton. So he drove for the shuttlecock and got mud on his leg. Silly. We ended up having me and dad on a team against James and it was fun. I hurt my shoulder a little but I had a good time. 

I also enjoyed seeing the dogs. I really did have a great time but the closer it got to be time to go I was getting more and more sad. Like. I wanted to stay. I wanted to give them hugs. But I couldnt. I am super grateful I even got to see them and spend time with them. And my brother. I missed him a lot. I cant beleive I havent seen my family since like chirstmas??? But we had to go. 

Next stop was Jess's house. Where me and her and her sister in law traded our switches to look through eachother's catalogs and then everyone came to my island for a tour. It was fun. It was getting pretty warm out but we were in the screened in porch so it was all fine. Until I noticed I had some redness on my chest. And then my arms. I was burnt!! I was so mad. I had put sunscreen on and I was bummed I got burnt. At least its not on my face but still. Im going to have to be careful about that this year. 

We had hotdogs at Jess's and that was fun. It was a good time but not nearly long enough. We didnt want to think about leaving but James wanted to be home for his trivia night at 7. So at 430 we left. 

Had to backtrack to my parents to get something we forgot. I said goodbye to my dad again and off we went. 

I listened to a podcast the whole ride home. Tried to cover myself up with my overshirt so the sunburnt wouldnt get worse. James was radiating a little stress. He was just really tired. But we got home just at 7. 

Got inside. Put things away. I made James a new mask for work. And then I took a black tea bath to try to calm my skin down. I did a face mask. Had a snack. 

Today was a really good day. I am real tired but it was a good day. I miss and love my family but I am so grateful for today. 

I hope you all sleep great tonight. Be safe. Take care of eachother. 

[quaintrelle-on-the-loose]

We are now half way through 2018 and a lot of things happened these past months. A lot of things changed and things haven’t remained the same since i started “adulting.” There are days that I’d just tell myself, “So this is what adulting means ... So this is how it works.”

On Friendship.

This is one aspect in my life that rotated 360 degrees since i started having a job. I am such a clingy person. I wanted to keep in touch and talk to friends a lot. I was always the one who initiate get togethers and hang outs. But recently, it changed. That’s one thing about adulting. You tend to do less because you’ve got such a limited time and you wanted to spend it with things that and with people who matters MOST. I am not saying that my friends don’t matter to me anymore. What I am trying to say is, right now, I just have other things that I prioritize more than going out and spending my time out with friends. I still love going out with friends. I love catching up and having fun with them. But unlike before, when hang outs and meets ups get cancelled, i don’t give too much fuss about it anymore. Before, i get pissed off a lot when things like this happens, but now, i just let it go so easily. And one major thing too is that i aint the one who initiate such meet ups anymore. Sometimes, yes. I still do. But not as often as before. 

Another thing that i realized is that i don’t send long mushy messages and birthday greetings anymore. I am such a sucker for long and cheesy messages. I used to write and send friends such thing. But recently, I just don’t feel like doing it anymore. I’d think about it, decide to do it, and then when I’m already on it, I’d end up just sending a simple message. 

I know that I owe my friends a lot. I know that. And I couldn’t blame them if one day, they’d decide to turn their backs on me. I couldn’t blame them if one day, when i’d decide to return, they wouldn’t be there anymore for me. It’s fine. Trust me, it’s fine. Because right now, with all the things that are happening, and the things that I chose to prioritize, what I need are low-maintenance friendships --- friends who’d understand that I got other things to do and prioritize and who wouldn’t demand a lot of my time and get pissed off of me when I don’t get to go out with them and chill. Friends who’d understand that my world doesn’t revolve around them and who’d let me grow on my own. Friends who’d support me on the things that i want and have to do and understand if i’d rather choose to sleep and rest than go out and drink. To my friends who don’t understand this, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for failing you. You can go. And I’d understand. 

On Love Life. 

I like someone right now, yes. But that’s it. I’d leave it that way and won’t do anything about it. I don’t see us going to a higher level anyways. Why not fight for it and take the risk? Well, as i said before, I’ve already learned to choose my battles. And he isn’t one of them. I am already okay with what we are and what we have now. That’s already fine with me, trust me. Why not look for another? Because I can’t and don’t want to. One thing about me is that when I liked someone in a certain phase in my life, it’s kinda hard for me to move forward and try it with someone else. It would take some time for me to try and like (as in really like) someone else again. It’s either i don’t feel like giving it another shot, or i’m just too lazy to do anything including flirting or something, or maybe because, he isn’t here yet. He hasn’t arrived yet.

I also know that I am not yet ready for this. You see, i can’t even prioritize my friends (especially the long and trusted ones) right now. My social life’s a bit of shaky at the moment. I have so many things that I want and have to do but the time is so limited. It’s actually just recently when I realized that I am not yet prepared for this. I am not yet ready to let someone in my life and give him the time and attention that he deserves. Love life is not yet a priority for me as of this moment. I gotta deal with other things first before i let myself fall in love and be with someone. I have to prepare myself first. And I have to give value to the things that and the people who I have now before giving value to something that I do not have yet. Also, I know that i better prepare myself for this because once i have it, i don’t have the plan of letting it go anymore. Yes, i want it that serious.

On Finance.

I promised myself before that once I started earning my own money, I’d make sure to also start saving up for real. I actually did and accomplish this goal for five months. I had my savings. Yes, had. Past tense. ‘Cause now, my savings fund’s balance is Php 0.00. I thought saving’s easy. I was so proud of myself months ago being able to save up a portion of my monthly pay. But in just a blink of an eye, it all got spent. LOL! IT’S FREAKIN HARD TO SAVE! Haha.

I decided to restart this August. But for the nth time, I failed. Until I decided to just let it be. Because it’s really impossible for me to save right now. I don’t have a lot of whims (uhm, just coffee shops and books and okay i have a few or so i get it). But no, the reason why I let the idea of saving go (for now) is because it’s inevitable to spend and spend and let go of money for a house. We are currently renovating our house and I have to help out with the finances. And it’s fine with me. Really. Being able to help out with the family’s expenses brings me joy. It gives me some sense of fulfillment and accomplishment in a way. And not just out of responsibility but I also want to give back to my parents. That’s why i decided to give up saving for now. 

I also decided to not be too hard on myself. As what Papa also said, I am just starting. It’s fine to not be able to save yet this early. Not until he told me that last night that I realized that I am pressuring myself too much. I even felt guilty for spending for some things that I enjoyed and am so happy about.

At this point, what I’m telling myself is that it’s fine. It’s fine to spend for something that’s necessary. It’s okay to spend for coffee because that’s my way of relaxation. It’s okay to spend for the leisure events and activities. It’s okay to not have savings because I am spending for the house. That investing on the house, on myself, family, the life moments, memories, experiences and fun are way more important than the money.

But next year, I promise to really start saving FOR THE DREAM/S! I’d just let this pass for now since im a newbie. But next year, I have to! No more buts.

On Work and Career.

Who would have thought that i’d end up as a data analyst once I graduate from college? Nobody. No one, including me. I’ve never planned this. And even when I already had the job, I could remember saying that i’d give it a shot for just a year. Yes, being a data analyst wasn’t in the equation until i decided to grab the opportunity. It was a major “detour.” And even if it wasn’t really the thing that I wanted to do and have at first, i know that God allowed it to happen for a reason. And i ain’t regretting grabbing the opportunity that opened up to me when this year started. It was so life-changing! 

I am so grateful for having this as my first job. I’ve been doing it for six months now (going seven) and to my own surprise, i am still enjoying it. The work environment helped a lot. It feels good not just waking up every day going to the office just to work. Every day, I also look forward to seeing my office mates which i had the chance to know and share stories and laughters with. It feels good having to grow as a person socially and professionally. 

One reason I see why until now I don’t get burnt out at work is because I always see to it that I still have work and life balance at the end of the day. That’s one of the first lessons that I’ve learned from my former manager and my trainer --- to know my limits and to not overwork. I got that advice during my first performance assessment and continuously applies it. Knowing your limits, managing and appropriating time, and prioritizing having a life outside work is a must. As what Hillary Clinton said, “Don’t confuse having a career with having a life.” I also read this statement that says, “A job is a job. It’s a way to pay for a living, but that’s it. Don’t let it define your happiness. You work to live, not live to work. Work on what makes you happy.” 

Is data analysis then the career that I still wanna pursue years from now? To be honest? I doubt it. I wanted to have a career that could impact a lot of people. I still do. I am still looking forward to it. I know my passion and I know that this isn’t it. I like doing what I am doing but I am not really that passionate about it. There’s a big difference there. I still need time to prepare myself and the resources that I need to pursue what I really want but for now, I’d be staying as a data analyst since I don’t have any reason yet so far to leave. But in the near future, I pray that I’d be able to do what I really want to do and accomplish one of my life’s purposes. 

Through out this entry so far, I kept on saying that time is so limited that I don’t get to prioritize this and that. That I don’t get to spend time with friends anymore unlike before, that I don’t have time for love life just yet and so on and so forth. I don’t give all my life and time to work either! So people’d ask what makes me so busy? Why does it seem like i am always rushing to log out at work? Where am i “appropriating” my time? My life?

I got three things: my family, myself, and Him:

On Family.

Majority of my time now, most especially when I go home to the province, is just for my family. That’s also the reason why I don’t initiate meet ups and hang outs with friends anymore too every time I go home. I want to spend more time with my family most especially with my parents. That’s one realization that I’ve got to see while i am adulting. While I feel like im growing as person: That as I grow, my parents aren’t getting any younger. That’s why I want to just be with them every time I have the chance to go home. I don’t want to regret someday that I haven’t showed them how much I care for them and how much I love them.

In terms of the the entire family tho, meaning not just my nuclear family, 2018 has been so challenging so far. The family has its highs and lows these past months. Some family members were faced with health problems (including Papa. We just found out last week that he has a lump on his right lung and we still don’t know what it is exactly since he is still under observation) and finances.

It is a challenging year for the entire family now. We are all being tested in a way or another but I am still optimistic about it all. These all are nothing but God’s test and we’d get through it. I know that He has a purpose for all of these. He wanted to test and teach us. 

The conflicts are there, the misunderstandings and what nots are there. But I know that we’d make it through all these. I have so much trust and respect to this family that brought me up. And I’ve been so open and vocal on how grateful I am of having to grow in a family that has this strong bond and foundation. 

On Myself.

When this year started, I promised to give this year to myself --- to allow myself to do what she wants, to be who she really is, and to grow. This year is for self-knowledge and discovery. I just entered a new chapter in life and before this, I lost myself. Little did I know that losing myself would be one of the major turning points in my life. Though I realized this last year, it is just this year that I gave myself the opportunity to really grow and live. As in to truly live. I wanted to “fix” and invest on myself this year because I realized that in a cruel world like ours, self-love is important. That knowing and accepting yourself could turn your life upside down. And I wanted to invest on myself because I believed that I couldn’t give what I do not have. Doing this all has changed me. It brought optimism in my life that has been once dark. And it gave me the courage to be fearless and step out off my comfort zone. To fight and stand for what I want and just be who I am. 

This is also the reason that I don’t feel guilty about ditching some galas from time to time. I deserve to sleep, rest. destress, and recharge on weekends. I deserve and need my Gutsy Days and Life Pauses. I deserve love and happiness. I deserve to have a life. And to live. 

On FAITH.

But above anything else, this is the most important thing that has been happening in my life this year. One of my goals this year is to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. And while investing on myself (i.e. figuring out what I really want and stuff like that), knowing my worth and the importance of self-love in my life is, it was really Him who saved me and who changed my life perspective. 

Last Thursday night, I attended this talk at church after work about Depression. And that’s when it sunk it to me. Everything. I was really depressed last year after I graduated. I was feeling so much lowness, sadness and disappointment. I didnt know what to do next in my life. I felt numb. I felt unmotivated. Hopeless, even. I lost myself! And while Pastor Tito Almadin was talking about how people can help others with depression, I realized that I didn’t really receive those kinds of help from others. Nobody around me knew that I got depressed! While I was busy sulking and self-pitying, everyone thought that I was doing just fine. They didn’t know how much sadness I was already feeling. They didn’t have any idea that i had too low self-esteem already. While the talk was on going that night, once again, I saw how His grace saved me. Those things that Pastor Tito was talking about? I didn’t get any of it. How can I get help from others if they didn’t even know that I needed help? As what I said, I don’t know how it happened but I just found myself turning to Him again. After years of neglecting Him calling me, at my lowest point, I came back to Him. And it was exactly one year ago when that happened. Days after going back to Him, I had then the opportunity and courage to tell my sister, one of my trusted friends, and my former college dormmate who’s older than me what I was going through. And it was just now that I’m writing this that I realized that all of them are Christians (He really gives us what we need!). Since then, my life has changed. 

Tho I already accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, I admit that there are still days that I get tempted by this world’s desires and standards. There is still disobedience in me. It is not easy. I know that it’s not gonna be easy. But as what the Bible says, we are a living sacrifice and we’d really have the tendency to drift away from the altar. We are not expected to be perfect because we really are not. What’s important here though is that we always seek to strengthen our relationship with the Lord --- resurrendering our lives every day when we need to. This one is what gets me busiest these months --- strengthening my relationship with Him. Because before everything or anyone else, it should be Him first.

This is the reason why nowadays, i tend to do less. My Monthly Highlights and blog entries already got piled up, i don’t go out as often as before, don’t chat with people personally and online as much as before, etc. Little by little, I am learning how to value and appropriate my life and time wisely. We all have limited time and we have to learn to spend it on what really matters. And right now, here’s mine. You’d see what matters to me just by seeing where and for whom I spend my time. We gotta focus on what matters most. 

[ecoutez-moi]

part 5 - gratefulness in our lives

DAY  27  - MONDAY - March 15

Adreanna C.

Of course! I am grateful for:

1. God & His many blessings

2. Family

3. Friends

4. Great health

5. Being in my right mind

6. Remaining financially stable during these hard times

7. Having a roof over my head

8. Having so much love & support surrounded around me

9. The mistakes I’ve made & continue to make every now & then because I only learn from them

10. LIFE

DAY 28 TUESDAY- March 16

Sophia C.

10 things I’m grateful for

1. A steady job that allows me to have a income to not only purchase what I need but also little wants that bring me joy.

2. A group of work friends who takes me as I am. They listen to my Debbie downer complaining when I feel burnt out and take in my over-the-top extra-ness when I feel motivated without making me feel bad about being either way.

3. A healthy and relatively smooth first pregnancy with only annoying but not-too-scary symptoms or complications.

4. Being able to spend time with my family and have them feed me/talk to me while transitioning to a new place.

5. Having the financial means to get a bigger place.

6. Having support from my partner during an isolating time.

7. Having different types of friends and relationships to lean on in different aspects of my life- an empathetic brother and an aggressive sister to stand up for me in the stuff that I’m too meek in.

8. The recovery of my family after health scares.

9. A body that allows me to live and enjoy life.

10. The experiences and relationships that brought me to where I am today and continue to help me grow as a person.

Rachel C.

Rachel’s Gratitude List

   •    A safe place to live

   •    A caring partner in life

   •    My health

   •    The ability to find the positive in a situation rather than getting stuck in the negative.

   •    Access to clean water to drink

   •    A way to make a living in the midst of this pandemic.

   •    Food 😊

DAY 29 WEDNESDAY - March 17

Didi

Today I’m grateful to wake u p  and still can see a beautiful view of the sky. A fresh smell in  the morning. A good breakfast which tastes so amazing even if it ‘s just a scrambled egg. A peace of mind I had because I wake up to live like there’s no tomorrow. Love and Bless <3 

Maritza

I’m grateful for everything

Happiness friends and love Nd  music

DAY 30 Thursday  - March 18

Kristin D. 

I am grateful for:

1. Loving parents and family

2. Friends

3. Health

4. Safe shelter

5. Food provision

6. Current employment

7. The opportunity to sit still (this is spiritual)

8. New bible study

9. Mentoring program

10. Lessons that I will learn from the last 2 difficult weeks

Ivy F.

1. Yoga

2. Breathing

3. Fresh foods

4. My parents

5. Support of friends

6. Hope for change

7. Rain & sunshine

8. Simply feeling - allowing myself to get more comfortable with openly feeling my emotions

9. A laugh that hurts so good

10. A bright smile

Justus W.

Grateful for strength and wisdom in my marriage!

Grateful for the trials I’ve been through that added clarity to my thinking

Grateful that my mother and brothers are taken care of

Grateful for the gifts God had given me to use.

Grateful that every time anyone negative or crazy is in my life God always exposes them.

Grateful that in my years of cross country driving nothing terrible has ever happened.  

Grateful that God must have a lot of patience with me 😂

Grateful to have a home and safe place.

Grateful that since I turned 18 God has provided for every bill. Never missed a payment on anything

Grateful that I know God. And that if anything on this list ever changed I could still stand on the Word and have faith!

DAY 31 March 19 FRIDAY

Klisha T. 

Hmmmmmm 10 things

About to get the kids to bed but theres so many things lol

For health, for my kids, for healing for Mya, for my husband, for salvation, for God's grace

For our best friends Myo and Natalie

Literally for a place to live

Running water

Food

Is that 10? Lol

DAY 32 March 20 SATURDAY

Vlad S.

My wife

My family

My friends

My dogs

My creativity

Nature

Good food

My neighborhood

Biking

My youth

Kevin M. 

I am grateful for my health - I am

Obviously getting older but I feel like I am healthier than when I was younger. I am feeling the healthiest and most grounded I have felt in a long time.

I am grateful for some space in my life.

I am grateful for the deep, connected friendships I have cultivated over the years. I feel as we all get older these friendships are going to be what sustains me.

I am grateful to be inspired everyday by what people are creating in this world.

I am grateful I get to work at something that interests me.

I am grateful that most days I wake up and can put my energy towards things that excite me.

I am grateful for my mom, dad and my sisters and the family I was born into.

I am grateful I am still very close to my mom and sisters.

I am grateful that I get to live in NYC and that the city still excites and inspires me.

I am grateful for Al-Anon.

I am grateful to be free of any substance addictions in my life.

I am grateful for the natural talents, skills, gifts that I have been given by God and that I can use those everyday to what I do or in service of others.

I am grateful that I have been blessed with the resources that I need to live a comfortable life.

I am grateful that it’s easy for me to see the good in people.

I am grateful that I have a curious mind.

I am grateful that I feel my feelings deeply.

I am grateful that I am nor afraid to cry in front of people.

I am grateful that I always want to be better.

I am grateful for my three children and that they have such big, bold and expressive personalities.

I am grateful for the many years I have had in partnership with Leslie and all the incredible adventures we have had.

I am grateful for the other romantic relationships I have had in my life and the wisdom they have given me.

I am grateful for the times life teaches me how to let go.

I am grateful that alcoholism in my family has given me the opportunity to form a deeper connection to my spirituality.

I am grateful that I have so many things I am grateful for!!!

DAY 33 March 21 SUNDAY

I missed today :( 

DAY 34  March 22 MONDAY

David H.

1. Everyone in My family is healthy

2. Thru this last year where our family members could not meet , my cousins have announced engagements and pregnancies so our family is growing

3. Work is good , the word is getting out that I’m not bad at this

4. In a world where ppl have a difficult time

This year, my business has thrived

5. My perspective on life is more keen

6. I have the capability to low you now as a passerby than I did years ago when I was closer

7. God was always with me. But I only see him now

8. From our last conversation you’re in better place now and I’m thankful for that

IM so happy for you. I couldn’t genuinely say that years ago

9. Perspective

10. Christina, you’re a bigger part of my life than you know.  I’D kill for you

DAY 35 MARCH 23 TUESDAY

Chrissy K.

My ten.. I’m grateful..

- even though my sanity and energy is tested everyday- I’m grateful for this extra time I’m having with the kids, to watch them grow in small ways everyday

- most of family and friends have been healthy (or able to recover), safe, financially stable during the pandemic

- being able to ride out half of the pandemic in San Diego, meaning more space, more things for the kids to do ie, zoo, beaches, closer to cousin

-having access to some beautiful outdoors

- great weather so we weren’t cooped up inside all year

- super humbling and challenging living with the in-laws.. but grateful charlie and Benny are able to bond with them

- the timing of things.. bro was out in ny right before pandemic hit so was able to help At the store, in-laws decided to go to Korea for extended time so it allowed us to have time alone in sd, my maternity leave rolled right into quarantine

- food

-korean dramas 😂 keeping it real- turned into korean lady putting on kdrama while I do dishes and cook

- finally able to drink again.. pass that glass of wine or beer

DAY 36 MARCH 24 WEDNESDAY

Shav G. 

1. my health

2. my sleep schedule

3. my ever supportive family

4. my friends i get to jam with every day

5. my studio being close by

6. the city that inspires me every day

7. my recent boom in love interests 🤣

8. my view

9. my doormen they’re my bff’s

10. my drive to do better

Anne C.

[11:17 PM, 3/24/2021] Anne C: this is amazing - love that you're creating and holding space for something positive.

[11:17 PM, 3/24/2021] Anne C: life has been very tough - giving me a beating with what its throwing at me.

[11:18 PM, 3/24/2021] Anne C: so I'll like to say i'm grateful for strength

DAY 37 MARCH 25 THURSDAY

Marion G.

What a great idea! I would love to!

1. My family

2. Good health

3. Great friends (you included!)

4. Coffee in the morning

5. A good night's sleep (when I get one)

6. The time I've been able to spend with my kids this past year.

7. Peace of mind

8. Having a job during these difficult times

9. Wine

10. Music

What a great exercise to do first thing in the morning! Miss you!! ❤

Bonnie Y.

DAY 38  MARCH 26 FRIDAY

Sina W.

1. My parents. They’ve really been there for me through the challenges of covid & especially through the break up. Paying for therapy & spending a lot of time with me watching shows and just crying was very needed.

2. Ty. I would say “my friends” but I haven’t seen my friends like that. I spend every day with Ty lol. He is my friend soulmate and I hope everyone finds a friend like him. He walked me to my apartment every night when I was being harassed by my ex, let me crash with him, fed me, and above all has made incredible sacrifices to be a part of this music journey with me and I can’t thank him enough.

3. Nature. I’ve spent a lot of time connecting with nature, reading about nature, and sitting in nature. It’s been very meditative and helped me keep a level head.

4. Music. Just grateful to do what I love & be able to take everything I’m feeling and turn it into something tangible and productive. It has been my saving grace through quarantine and I don’t know what I’d be doing if I didn’t have it.

5. Edibles lol. Between October and February my anxiety was through the roof. I’ve been through a lot of shit recently and thank god there’s been something to take the edge of sometimes.

6. Books. I’ve read 20 books since Christmas. I’ve been really excited about learning recently. Everything from meditation to the ice age to gentrification. It’s given me a lot of perspective and makes me really happy.

7. My sister. We recently started getting a lot closer and I always hoped that would happen.

8. My DOG. He makes me so happy. Like pure joy. I love him so much.

9. The sun. Not very common in Portland but every week we may get a sunny day and every time it happens it’s a reminder that this will be over soon. When the world was open, the clouds didn’t bug me so much. But now I look forward to the sun like no other.  

10. BLAZER GAMES. Omg. I have not missed a game this season. It gives me something to look forward to & they are so fun to watch.

Anna B.

1. My health

2. Friends

3. Intuition

4. Abundance

5. Setting boundaries

6. Mindfulness

7. Family

8. Frank

9. Creativity

10. Feeling safe

DAY  39 MARCH 27  SATURDAY

Jon R.

10 things I’m grateful for.

1. Friendship with genuine connection

2. Like minded individuals/creatives

3. My family (we’ve been dysfunctional for years but a new leaf has turned over and we’re all making a strong effort to be a better unit)

4. My litter brother finally making the choice to better his life and get off the streets

5. God!

6. My girlfriend

7. You. (we can go months without talking but we always pick up where we left off. Since day 1 you’ve been an honest friend who’s opinion I value and I love you dearly)

8. Fashion

9. Music

10. Good health

DAY 40 MARCH 28 SUNDAY

Allie G.

Hey Christina!!! Hope you are doing swell(: hmmm 10 things?

My friends

My house

The weather today 🔆

Healthy body

Healthy mind

Avocados

Live music

Laughter

The ocean

And YOU for allowing me to sit and think about that

DAY  41 MARCH 29 MONDAY

Ray T.

I’m grateful for the almost 25 years of friendship with Christina Chow Mein

Ann K.

Hi Christina,

I hope you’re doing well!

Today I am thankful for:

1. the Hubs (today is our anni)

2. having all our needs met everyday

3. healthy kids

4. getting to and from work safely

5. growing garden seedlings

6. COVID vaccine

7. teachers

8. consistently having work to do

9. longer hours of daylight

10. friends that remind me of God’s goodness

#grateful #lent #lent2021 #love #blessings #God's grace

[bookofmormonmemes]

ive been tagged

@swan-darkwingsOk so idk if this is allowed i should probably be doing this on my main blog but idc this got me excited umm @swan-darkwings tagged this blog in this thing and so now i owe her my life. and this post. so here

disclaimer: i. talk. way. too. much.

Rules: answer 30 questions then tag 20 people you’d like to know better

Nicknames: usually just lillie but in the past i went by Lemon and then Lavender and i had some friends who called me Impossible and i had one friend who called me Bug. but i dont really use any of those anymore cus pokemon sun & moon introduced a character named lillie and inspired me to reclaim the proper spelling of my name. representation matters

Gender: moooostly cis female right now but im probably actually some form of nonbinary im not sure at the moment

Star Sign: aquarius

MBTI Type: literally no idea. Ive taken like 8 different variations of the test and they all gave me something different. the last one i took gave me i think enfj but it included percentages of how much of each trait you had over the opposite trait and i was just barely squeaking by in like all of them. maybe i dont have a personality

Height: 5’3” and all my younger siblings are either currently taller than me or going to be taller fairly soon [cries]

Time: 11:01 pm currently but imma queue this thing to post in the morning so who knows

Birthday: february 17th and i expect all of you to send presents

Fav Bands: mmm owl city & oingo boingo

Fav solo artists: taylor swift, lindsey stirling, wait owl city is technically a solo artist too isnt he huh

Song stuck in my mind: this one like...omgsh it’s in a bunch of vines and i have no idea what it’s called but it’s like a. it’s like a saxophone i think? Or some kind of brass/woodwind thingy and it’s like agh it doesn’t have words but the notes are like a long C and then it goes up to a short A E G and then A E D and those few notes are like perpetually stuck in my head and if anyone could tell me what song it is i would be forever grateful

Last movie watched: shrek 2 but only the first half cus i got distracted by something on tumblr

Last show watched: a bunch of random adventure time clips on youtube

When did I create my blog: umm this ones been around for i think a month? ish?? a little more than a month? Idk my memory is trash. but ive had my main blog for like four years

What do I post abt: extreme couponing

Last thing I googled: the definition of ‘incur’ to make sure i was using it right when i said i didn’t want to incur the wrath of georgia w. bello’s ghost

Do you have other blogs: as a matter of fact

Why did you choose your url: cus i wasnt gonna let someone else choose it for me (ง'̀-'́)ง

Following: 301...could do with some more

Followers: 338...could do with some more (actually though this blog is the one with the most followers and it absolutely blows my mind, my main blog has 156 followers and the rest have like <15)

Fav Color: all shades of purple, all shades of pink, most shades of yellow (though the yellow part is a fairly recent development that i entirely blame on steven universe, thanks rebecca sugar. and thank you patti lupone)

Average hours of sleep: hahaha you expect me to do Math during Summer

Lucky number: 17 and pretty much anything with 7, also 39

Instruments: took a year of piano in 2nd grade (which DOES count absolutely 100%) and then violin from 5th-10th grade

What i’m wearing: brown tank top and polka dotted jammie pants that im suddenly realizing are the colors of the ace pride flag, shout out to all my awesome ace followers

How many blankets do I sleep with: there are currently 5 on my bed and ideally i would sleep under all of them. however this is summer so i just suffer

Dream job: if i could get paid for memeing i would be so happy...but honestly im gonna be going to school to be an english teacher which is my realistic dream job that i can very easily picture myself being very happy doing. my unrealistic dream job would be a disney face character which Could be realistic if i lived near any disney parks, and of course itd be amazing to make it as a full-time author or actor but i dont have the patience or confidence to really pursue those super seriously lol

Dream trip: round the world honestly. currently my top dream destinations are ireland, colombia, iceland, the phillippines, and the middle of the ocean

Fav food: okay this is very specific but a tuna fish sandwich except the tuna is mixed with a spoonful of mayonnaise, a squirt of mustard, and a handful of chopped cucumber and/or celery. bonus if you add lettuce or tomatoes or dill pickles. it’s the best lunch ever and it’s technically healthy and i love it so much

aand that’s all the questions so as far as the tagging goes i want to tag all of you because i want to get to know literally all of you so much but 338 is more than 20 so im just gonna go down the top 20 in my notes

@tanosoka@j-the-latter-gay-saint@beepala@inariedwards@hair-fiber@likenolion@afterlifeincorporated​​​​​​​@tanosoka@trellyellyoxenfree @thepoetrytheoristcalledmoriarty @beepala @deetledeet @inariedwards @afterlifeincorporated @tanosoka @j-the-latter-gay-saint @merlissa @likenolion @hair-fiber

@truefactsaboutlies@clever-cyborg@burnt-kloverfield@ariannadon@enigmaris@kensalyn477@bean--teen@beauty-in-the-falcon​​​​​​​​ @truefactsaboutlies @nermrod @clever-cyborg @burnt-kloverfield @ariannadon @enigmaris @kensalyn477 @bean--teen @beauty-in-the-falcon

(i do actually honestly want to get to know you specific individuals i recognize almost all and apprecitate all of you in my notes, though absolutely feel free to not do this if u dont wanna. And if you see this and werent tagged and wanna do it UR TAGGED ANYWAY I REALLY LEGIT WANNA GET TO KNOW U)

anyways thank you for reading and we will get back to our regularly scheduled memeage momentarily

#not a meme #ALSO MY COMPUTER IS HECKED UP IM SORRY IF THE TAGGING IS WEIRD AA #also the extreme couponing is a joke. in case that's not obvious. #i post about book of mormon memes #the rest is legit though #aANYWAYS IN CASE YOU WANTED TO KNOW WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT THIS HUMBLE LITTLE MEMER HERE YOU GO YOU CAN THANK THE BEAUTIFUL SOUL WHO TAGGED ME #GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY #i will go and queue #ACK I FORGOT ONE OF THE QUESTIONS OOPS IT'S ASKING MY NATIONALITY AND I WAS GONNA SARCASTICALLY ANSWER NEPHITE #i live in the u s of a and my ancestors came here from europe. #actually fun fact: like many born-and-raised mormons i am descended from people who came to the us to join the church #and then were pioneers #willie handcart company for the win #anyways NO MORE TAG COMMENTARY IM GOING TO BED BYE #UGH WHY IS THE TAGGING SO WEIRD I CANT FIGURE OUT A WAY TO FIX IT IM SORRY I LOVE YOU TAKE IT ANYWAY IM TIRED GOODBYE

[therecoveringcatho-holic]

mannn.. life is just getting so much better!!! i just have to share where i'm at y'all bc ive been pretty excited about who i'm becoming bc i'm actively working on my spirit and who i am thru Christ.

first off - i'm fortunate for past, current and future *pain* bc it's brought me many blessings and will continue to bring me more.. just watch. it's just all about perspective and mines slowly but surely turning around! 💕 pain is a blessing bc without it we wouldn't know joy & we wouldn't be able to help others with similar problems!! i def struggle with my own share of health issues, a lot more at 31 than i ever wanted to have but i gotta be realistic about it: i treated my mind, body and spirit like a trash can off and on for the better part of a decade, i have trauma that i wouldn't dive into - like for real, for real - until 2 years ago or so bc i kept wanting to mask it. all that did was make it fester and then i projected it on others so what should i expect you know?? i used to complain constantly that 'life is not fair' and until very recently, i couldn't turn that around in my head and look at it positively .. like I AM ACTUALLY GLAD it's not bc if it was fair then i should have died yearssss ago.. one way or another esp if you look at it from a scientific standpoint. i may not know what my purpose is in life y'all but it's not my job to figure that out, it's my job to trust The Lord and His plan for me even if it doesn't always make sense to me. He is a God beyond my understanding and letting Him run the show makes life a lot better. we're not meant to have it easy but we weren't designed to make it so hard on ourselves or others either. He provides us the tools, it's just a matter of if we choose to use them or not. we all struggle so let's help each other out but the right thing is usually not the easy one so be proud of yourself when you make good decisions, no matter how small. the small things become big things; choices become habits -- that can be good or bad so make it a good thing 😘

one main problem i've always struggled with is consistency, esp when it comes to obeying The Lord. i am finally aware that my behavior does NOT affect Gods love for me bc He's an unconditional, loving God but my behavior dictates how much easier or harder life becomes for me.. and it's a daily thing y'all but it is for a lot of people, not just me. i just know that when i impulsively react to somebody or something, my

m o u t h is the first to go 😬😏SOOOO now im pretty good at waiting it out and if i think the same thing 2 mins later or so, you bet i'm gonna say it bc i'm blunt like that and i don't care to sugarcoat my thoughts BUT i also don't have to be hateful/disrespectful about it.. so that's been a turn around, for sure! 🙏 most people have a filter and i seem to lack one so i'm trying to develop one.. haha, it's funny but it's not at the same time.. actually it's been quite debilitating, really. my impulsivity and my mouth have burnt a lot of bridges in my life. not everybody or everything deserves a reaction and i don't need to waste my energy on things that arent my business -- and huge surprise here guys -- there is a LOT of stuff that is not my business so i take my nose out of it now 😜. i thrived off the drama and chaos for so long bc i didn't wanna look inward at myself and work on what was actually wrong -- which was me and my spirit. i am blessed for awareness and personal perspective.. it is everything.

ive been going back to AA and someone mentioned that theyve been praying for people that they have issues with, don't like or whatever the case may be and it's been helping them change their reaction/perspective towards that individual. at the end of the day, people are gonna do what they're gonna do but the way i choose to respond to it says everything about me, not them. that's why i love "The Four Agreements" book so much -- seriously life changing bc it's helped me realized that like i had so much displaced anger for so long and made it about everybody else and "what they did to me" , how "i'm not like everybody else", "why do they have a career / family / house and i don't?" WHATEVERRRR blah blah blah 😑 when at the end of the day, it had nothing to do with them. i was unhappy with myself, pissed that i got "cursed" with alcoholism and depression, sleep issues, etc. so instead of looking at it my difficulties as strengths and blessings, i had my own definition of what successful, happy people looked like or what they had and i was straight up mad and jealous of y'all. like how dare y'all have it so easy, right?! 🙄 omg hahaha how delusional is that!!! NOBODY has it easy!!! we all have something man and just because others may not see it doesn't mean it's not there!!!

"be kind.. for we are all fighting a battle others know nothing about." amen!!

my life has turned out to be nothinggggg of what i thought it was gonna be .. and i'm at a place of acceptance about it now and what a blessing it is to feel at peace more often than not. i think the real definition of serenity is when you stop wishing you had a different past and appreciate what God trusted you to go thru bc He knew Y O U could handle it 🥰

my alcoholism has about damn killed me but i'm resilient and ive been able to help others who battle my demon too; my depression has helped me understand deep sadness and how not running away or being scared of somebody bc of that can really change another persons life for the better.. one conversation can literally save somebody's life so don't underestimate what it means when someone disabled from depresssion reaches out to you bc you could be a life changer to them, i know this from experience. sleep issues suck but i've had a lot of deep, thought provoking conversations at 3a, ill tell ya that! but lately i sleep better bc i'm getting the garbage out of my soul and giving myself some grace. i'm blessed to not hold on to people who left me during my darkest hour bc they weren't meant to see me grow and to take part in my joy now.. it's all how you look at it!! i tried holding on to soooo many people for so long and now i just feel free of that negativity .. and i'm sure some people feel the same about me these last few years.. i was very toxic to some people so they were right to let me go as well. there's always two sides to everything y'all -- like be blessed for those who have let you down!! now you have room for people who are loyal and worth your damn time!! but as i just mentioned, i had to look in the mirror though and humble myself bc at one point or another, i was "that person" on more than one occasion that let somebody down and perspective on that is key to moving forward and not hurting somebody like that again. hurt people hurt people and i was the queen of that. when i get what i feel is a proper amount of time under my belt, i have so many amends to make that its quite.. sick, really. in the 5 years i've been in and out of AA, ive only been told to F off and/or burn in hell twice after trying to make an amends so that's better than i deserve lol most have been receptive of my amends but this will be the second round for some of those same people and i don't expect the same forgiveness i got the first time bc i don't deserve it. i'll also be frank with you .. some people i don't want to make amends to bc i don't feel they deserve it so clearly i still have work to do on my heart and hopefully thru the program and in time, i will feel differently but right now that's honestly how i feel.

to sum it all up, here are some things that help me:

-if you have to hide it, don't do it. -chaos always proceeds change.

-people will treat you with as much respect as you show yourself (thank you Lord for helping me with this one!!)

-validation may come from other people but that's just temporary. if you ain't happy in YOUR heart, with who YOU are.. check your morals and standards my dear! it doesn't matter if the entire world thinks you're great -- you need to KNOW & BELIEVE you are and that begins with the belief system you set for yourself!

- the saying "one foot in front of the other" goes a long way.. act blessed and you'll become blessed; no matter how stupid it sounds in your head, talk kindly to yourself until you believe it -- affirmations work, i swear!!! most importantly, show others grace so you'll eventually show yourself some 💕

i am a sinner but i am not my mistakes. my alcoholic demon is strong but God is stronger.. and thru Him, so am i. without my community from TN to NC to GA, my friends, my family of choice, my medical team and The Lord God, id be an empty shell of a person still at the bottom of a bottle at all hours of the day wanting to die every second i was breathing.. yes, it got that bad more times than i can count so THANK YOU to everyone who has given a shit about me and this crazy life i've had!!! once i realized that roughly 10% of my life is whats happened to me and came to accept that 90% of my life were problems that i created myself, was when i was able to become grateful for all the problems i DONT have & blessed that although some bridges are forever burned, there are many that are not!!! if i continue to act right, i have beautiful opportunities to improve myself and my relationships, the most important one being with God.

i know ive got some haters but i don't view them as enemies anymore bc i don't like harboring anger in my heart anymore .. it doesn't feel good and it only speaks to my own personal insecurity when i've talked poorly of somebody in the past. ive never quoted tupac in my life but there's a first time for everything 🤣 "i want you to eat, just not at my table." to the people i don't like and to those that don't like me, let's pray for each other. everybody deserves happiness and to thrive in their own way.. i'm not gonna be apart of some people's lives and BOTH of us are better because of it! God, i loveeee acceptance!!!! 🙌

above all.. do & be YOU, boo boo!

if it matters any, i think you're pretty great! 😋😙

as alwaysss, much love from knox & prayers to friends in mid tenn!! hope everyone is safe!! 🙏

xoxo

kels