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tacagen · 8 months

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Healthy Eobarry AU

(yes its just called that. no there is no actual romance, the word eobarry is here only so i dont have to write 'barry and eobard' all the time im talking about them. some things are very close to that tho but thats just the way it always is with thawne.)

the core idea: eobard is still a flash fan from the 25th century with a huge crush but he never wanted to be a hero like barry. he always wanted to go back in time and become flash's archnemesis instead, so there is no rejection abandonment and disappointment drama at all. not a single trace of canon hatred, thawne just wants to have some good time with his favorite hero in a weird way. barry, on the other hand, has no idea what the fuck is even going on. the vibe is most reminiscent of silver age eobarry. their dynamic:

ALSO their dynamic: this jla short

the lore:

they first meet in 21st century. eobard just finds barry, comes up to him like 'omg hi flash!! im your fan from the future and i just synthesized myself the speedforce connection to go back in time and meet you irl :)', waits exactly until barry believes and starts marveling at that fact, goes 'BUT THERE'S ALSO THIS LITTLE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW :)))) youre probably wondering why these colors. well, i call myself the reverse-flash and actually im here to cause problems for you on purpose. NOW CATCH ME IF YOU CAN :D', runs off to break the brakes of a bus carrying children or something like that while barry stands for a few seconds like 'huh. reverse? where are you going?'

right after barry, utterly confused and shocked, averts the situation thawne caused, he goes 'WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL WAS THAT?? DIDNT YOU JUST SAY YOU WERE MY FAN??' which thawne answers with 'wow. you really thought i was one of these boring "my favourite person of all time inspired me to become a hero like them" rip-offs with no imagination, didnt you? tsk tsk, i am so disappointed'

secrecy of their identities to each other isnt a thing since the very first fight. 'by the way, my name is eobard thawne! and i know you're barry allen, i actually know most of the 21st century heroes' identities but i promise you can trust me with that!'. indeed, he doesnt reveal this to anyone or threaten to do so but trust isnt exactly the right word either as thawne fucking loves visiting barry while they're both in their civil clothes at times + itwasmebarry still becomes a thing (elaborated on further below).

thawne is faster than barry here from the very beginning on pure theory and little to no speedster experience but only because barry just desperatly tries to process all the information he recieves from thawne every time they fight along with handling whatever endangering civilians shit eo does and he isnt doing well. at all. like, it does require a lot of hard effort not to lose your mind while constantly being hit with stuff like 'OOOHH DID I MENTION THAT I WORK AS THE CURATOR OF THE FLASH MUSEUM IN THE 25TH CENTURY?!? BTW WE STUDY YOUR HISTORY IN SCHOOL IN COMICS FORM, ISNT THAT AMAZING?!!'

thawne never shuts up. thawne genuinely enjoys the whole thing and admires barry an impossible amount and he's always fascinated by every aspect of the speed force, especially seeing and using it in action. thawne never acts like a normal villain as in 'commit crime->run away/fight the hero/watch the chaos'. he does something that endangeres people's lives (ALWAYS in front of barry because that is the whole point) then runs alongside barry as he saves everyone, never initiating the fight and ENDLESSLY commenting on everything barry does with consideration of flash facts, speed force and other physics stuff and even barry's personal background. it always goes like 'must do this and this to get everyone to safety!-' and thawne, instantly from somwhere behind barry's left shoulder: 'YES you DO, because this this and this and of course you could try that but-' and it goes on for 5 minutes on superspeed at the very least. from a non-speedster perspective, it looks like two blurs with lightnings, red and yellow, are saving people and going with some kind of weird squeaking high-pitched sound, which is never there if there is only flash around.

by the way, the rule that it is Very important for thawne to touch barry at any given chance and prolong it by going faster than him is still present. the same goes for becoming a speedster partially to have an opportunity to get away from 25th century and its mildly or not so dystopian shit and boringness. doesnt really realize the first part tho, sometimes casually drops some crazy ass facts about his future as something totally normal (like that one good-bad detection chair from silver age that gets a cameo in rs) and gets confused when the reaction is something like '.....i am so sorry.'

THE SAME ALSO GOES FOR 'IT WAS ME BARRY', its just way more lighthearted and has the purpose only of annoying and messing with barry through slight inconveniences in his life and it is a whole another part of their enemyship outside of the usual tag games. examples: 1. barry in his lab, extremely tired and almost exhausted, stumbles on air, says 'dammit eobard, this again??'. thawne unphases nearby with an offended look, goes 'HEY. THAT WASNT ME.', demonstratively pushes barry's mug with coffee off the table like a cat, 'now this was me, barry', grins and runs off before barry can do anything; 2. imagine thawne's excitement when he plays chess in iron heights, looks away, notices yellow lightnings with the corner of his eye and turns to the board again only to find that his queen is gone. the very next encounter starts with thawne running around barry in circles like 'it was you. it was you. IT WAS YOU! ITWASYOUWASNTIT!!'

this thawne is incapable of murdering anyone close to barry or ever hurt him at all. the best he can do is threaten anyone's life in barry's sight (and he knows barry will save everyone. more, he never arranges the events with the chance of barry not being fast enough to save every single life threatened so it isnt a big deal) because in other case he just wont come out to play with him :( ((i dont think thawne's generally capable of murder here? he feels too silly for that to me))

following important things: 1. barry obviously never killed thawne because he never did anything that extreme. 2. nora allen is alive and well and probably met thawne personally. he visits her in his civil clothes and acts in the nicest way possible, barry hears about the mysterious friend from work he never mentioned later and chokes on tea as nora recalls 'what did he say his name was? edward taurine?' 3. BARRY'S DOG IS STILL DEAD THO but it actually was an accident. he still blames himself for not shutting the back door that day in the way he blames himself for the not emotional enough postcard for his grandma in dc superhero girls. (see also: this vid but its about the dog instead of nora) ((ALSO thawne is most likely actively empathetic about it because he cant stand seeing barry sad or hurt. unfortunately he is also actively neurodivergent so that turns out to be awkward))

they team up often but barry is never aware of that as it happens out of his control. thawne has every single event that threatened barry marked in his calendar and an alarm set for it and he just shows up there like 'fuck you, this is MY archnemesis/idol/inspiration and nobody is going to fucking hurt him'

barry is generally always in the state of confusion when it comes to thawne. he doesnt understand what's going on like 80% of the time. as thawne never gets any clearer to him, barry just accepts that this, at some point, is now a part of his life.

instead of love letters, thawne writes and sends barry personally discovered speed force equations like 'look!! this is how it all works there!!' and occasionally mentions other science things discovered after 21st century. barry reads all that, understands and sometimes uses those against thawne who is completely delighted by that.

one day thawne manages to lock barry up in anti-meta cell and spends the following 3 hours on MATHEMATICALLY PROVING THE EXISTENCE OF THE SPEEDFORCE TO HIM STEP BY STEP, reciting his dissertation verbatim which was written in the context of no one knowing and caring about the concept.

thawne participates in the legion of doom and other supercriminal associations out of 'is flash gonna be there?? whatever youre planning im in, just leave him to me and me alone'. probably doesnt even listen to the scheme details and learns about it directly from barry in the final fight when he asks him 'eobard?? what?? the?? fuck?? why are you participating in something that's ultimate goal is DESTROYING THE FUTURE??'. (or others just stopped telling him the details, OR he doesnt listen on purpose after that one time he edited the whole plan like 'oh cmon do you actually think you could succeed with THIS?? let me show you how its actually done' only for them to lose epically. whats worse is that thawne saw it as something obvious. 'wait you really thought it would work?? cmon the whole point of being a supervillain is that the good guys always stop you no matter what you come up with.' they naturally never let him speak on the plans again which he responded with 'WHATEVER. YOU DO YOU IG. NOT GONNA INTERFERE AGAIN :/') unironically protects barry in group fights if any other villain is trying to aid him against the flash and attacks his own allies for that (barry once uses that to his advantage to take out the whole legion one by one lmfao. thawne genuinely doesnt notice that he is the only one standing until barry mentions it. he takes a moment to look around and that's when barry takes him out, too). as you can figure, he doesnt get invited into villain associations often, and if he does its usually the last resort bc he is a Genius Even By Future's Standards and therefore one of the most competent scientists out there.

nobody wants to sit at the same table with thawne in iron heights or interact at all because he instantly starts infodumping about the flash and their relationship. you accidentally get closer than like 2m to him and after a few seconds he just goes 'me and flash are best enemies, you know? we even always wear matching suits, oh and did you know-'

thawne gets mad if you compare his suit with kid flash because his suit has a Deep Idea and acktually he got to 21st century before wally was also struck by lightning and therefore was here first (yep, he did that on purpose and it gets revealed the very same moment he mentions it)

speaking of kid flash. thawne argues with him at any given chance because fighting a literal child on who is the biggest flash fan is something he would do on a daily basis. it just feels right (and it shouldve happened in canon at this point at least once. fucking Come On dc. almost 60 years of thawne's existence and for what!!). his points are that: he is the flash's Equal (even in height. thawne is very fucking proud of that fact) and not a pathetic sidekick; he got powers after years of hard scientific work and not by coming to barry's lab at the right moment; he is an Expert, a Professor, a Curator of the flash museum and knows everything about flashes, including the things they dont know themselves yet (he accidentally reveals that wally is also gonna be the flash but is quick to claim that he was the slowest and dumbest of them all and actually fuck you ima erase that from the timeline later), 'therefore l + ratio + IM his biggest fan and there is nothing you can do about it' 'lmaoooo who the heck taught you these words?? dude you sound so cringe. like do you even know what ratio means??' '*thinking it's just a figure of speech from 21st century literature classics or something like that for his whole life* well i- h- wh- DONT CHANGE THE SUBJECT.' wally doesnt care at all and just trolls him, harshly at times. he doesnt take thawne even a little bit seriously, which eo tragically doesnt realize.

thawne's comedically jealous of barry to iris between the lines and is completely unaware of that. the same thing going on with the rogues about emenyship with barry but that one is direct and on purpose. probably fucking jumps in their fights with flash like 'hi i just took out cap cold for you no need to thank me <3 now, can WE dance?? :|' every now and then. probably it gets super awkward when they inevitably end up in iron heights together that same day. honestly i think every supervillain who met thawne wants to kill him at this point. he's extremely annoying, both on purpose and not

thawne finds and starts nitpicking the first curators and architects of the flash museum in 21st century from the very project stage like 'NO it should stand THE OTHER WAY everyone shut up im from the future i Know Better'. it continues right until barry comes to pick him up and apologise for the inconvenience. 'eobard, i know this place means... a lot to you but please let history run its course. i mean, arent you risking your whole existence by trying to make these changes?' 'BUT THEY'RE DOING IT WRONG >:('

CANONICALLY ALMOST DROWNS 3M AWAY FROM A BRIDGE WHILE TRYING TO RUN ON WATER WITHOUT KNOWING HOW TO DO THAT YET OR AT LEAST HOW TO SWIM. every time barry mentions that incident thawne blushes like hell out of shame. imagine being saved from the lake by your crush/nemesis/everything who is actually Worried that you almost drowned out of your own stupidity which kind of covers the cringefail at first so youre enjoying the Moment but then you hear 'why did you even decide to run across the lake, there was a bridge nearby?'. thawne BEGS barry not to tell anyone (and especially wally). that probably was the first time thawne actually stayed in iron heights for longer than half an hour without getting out the very second everyone looks away on barry's condition of secrecy. now, the funniest part? if thawne hadnt shown that it was cringe even to him, barry wouldnt even say a single thing any further. to him it was a usual impossible to grasp shit thawne does every single encounter.

thawne considers heroes and their morals objectively dumb but his thoughts on barry having the same mindset are 'god he is SO adorably naive. so pure. so innocent. havent done anything wrong in his life. sweetest cinnamon roll of all times'. occasionally tells him that out loud because he has no fucking shame except when it comes to the lake incident

his own set of morals is just 'be gay do crime' where be gay stands for teaming up with barry on practically everything that isnt their one on one fights.

following: other villains are dumb to him as well. sometimes complains to barry about how nobody Understands him and his superior taste in being a supervillain, especially in the legion. poor barry just tries to get some rest between work and superheroing and then thawne casually comes running out of fucking nowhere, lies down on his lap and starts venting about how barry is the only one that Gets him on superspeed.

#eobard thawne #professor zoom #reverse flash #the flash #barry allen #eobarry ig?#healthy eobarry au #wanna know how i came up with such brilliant concept? I FUCKING DREAMED IT.#my ass has gotten so focused on canon shit that this wasnt even a conscious idea. i had to have my brain randomly pull this out on me #anyway it was a comic with dcau drawing style. thawne was having the best time possible and barry could barely keep up with his wordflow #the point that starts with 'thawne never shuts up' comes directly from how it was in the dream #they are so precious to me

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lorillee · 9 months

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okay okay hear me out maya and diego for the duo bingo

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU GUYS youre my bestest friends for ever and ever. thank you for indulging me. ok ok ok frankly its literally CRIMINAL that for a relationship that is like literally half the crux of the final case of aa3 there is like. no content . at all. and it breaks my poor heart into PIECES its really truly does. like ok the thing is people only ever seem interested in exploring this relationship via mia but the problem is 1) i dont want it to just be about mia. yes obviously mia is the springboard for this relationship's existence in the first place since she's maya's older sister and diego's girlfriend but like come on guys you are all SO..... sigh. this is such wasted potential. come on 2) THEY NEVER DO ANYTHING INTERESTING WITH ITTTTT

okay because like. personally i think mia & maya's relationship is infinitely more interesting if maya has incredibly complicated feelings that she simply is trying really really hard not to address. like because in aa3 i think if you present mia's profile to maya, maya says that she really misses her and phoenix asks why she doesnt just ask pearl to channel her, and maya gives some complete bs non response of "ohhh i wouldnt want to burden her" or something. which makes no sense. like come on guys. really. anyways maya is the kind of person who really doesnt hold grudges - when people to terrible things her first response is generally more to sympathize with the victim and less getting angry at the perpetrator. even with the mask demasque case where she was a literal victim, she gets mad at phoenix for wanting to defend ron for like a few minutes before letting it blow over and moving on. furthermore, like any ace attorney character, maya also really loves avoiding her problems and trying super hard to Not Think About Them.

with this in mind i think the most interesting way to interpret her relationship with mia is that she does actually feel resentment towards her for frolicking off into the distance to become a lawyer and to some degree kind of abandoning her in the same way that their mom did, but the problem is because its maya her internal thought process goes "i am frustrated at mia for leaving me alone -> but mia loved me -> if mia loved me she wouldnt have wanted to hurt me -> therefore, the problem here is me unjustly feeling hurt as opposed to mia hurting me even if it was unintentional" and she would feel so guilty about having any sort of resentment towards mia (especially now that shes literally Dead) that she loops back around to pretending everything is Normal and Fine and Good so that she doesnt spiral into a guilt feedback loop. NOW. with this in mind.

ive already talked about this a bit between my art post and my mildly extended thoughts which im not going to bother repeating here so go read that if youre interested in the cuter details but objectively i think the best possible ending for diego is after he does his prison time, maya & pearl invite him to come live with them (he doesnt have a job, he presumably has no living relatives, and most importantly he's adjusting to having a significant disability in the world after spending the past like 5 years in prison and therefore absolutely somebody who should not be living alone right now). now ive already talked a bit about the cute stuff because like ok yes . i do enjoy some good domestic shenanigans. however . the fey family period drama is nothing if not full of mental illness and this needs some addressing.

both maya & diego have like . severe issues. with avoiding their personal problems but fortunately for us, . in the words of my good friend. avoiding your problems is really really hard when you invite them to live with you. because like the thing is - and something i think frankly doesnt get addressed enough in anything attempting to explore this relationship in the direction i want - is that ...... maya literally. she couldve died. yes he did put his life on the line to save her and yes that does mean something but also he literally let her walk into that situation in the first place, absurdly bad mental issues or not. and frankly i think maya SHOULD have complicated feelings on it i want that for her. obviously this would follow the same train of thought process as with mia in the sense of "well he saved me and if he wasnt there i Literally Would Have For Real Died and pearl wouldve been forced to live with my blood on her hands (dahlia possession or no) so i cant feel resentful a bit at all or else that makes me a Bad Person". and of course there's the wonderful added complication of the fact that the entire BttT situation is intimately connected to mia with whom she Already has Complicated Feelings That She Is Trying Really Hard To Pretend She Doesn't Have on. there's been a million things said on diegos many many mental issues and i already touched on that very briefly anyways in the earlier linked thought post so im not going to repeat the whole spiel but in short its my opinion that he definitely wanted to have his little redemption by death by the end of BttT but I Won't Let Him. hes not getting off the hook that easy. anyways obviously by the end of this whole thing the Issues come to a head and there is some sort of a serious conversation about the current Situation and obviously not everythings magically fixed, but now that we're not aggressively boxing up our uglier emotions and pretending they dont exist they can actually start getting addressed.

on a lighter note 1) this is very much like an edgeworth & kay situation where its like. diego is too obnoxious to not have a weird little girl following him around and making fun of him all the time to take his ego down a peg or two and 2) also as i said in that other post i wholeheartedly believe maya deserves as many older sibling figures as her heart desires <3 hes like basically her older brother in law anyways . also wait before you go take the gif thats looping in my head like a good 20% of the day

#ITS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO . sorry ill spare you the whole spiel #but tldr throughout the entire stageplay he spends the entire thing with the usual aloof ''lol igaf abt anything going on here'' persona #and this is one of the very very few moments where that actually cracks a bit . in which he actively goes out of his way #to pull maya away from the guy whos name escapes me at the moment #and plant himself firmly between her & the path of possible danger #its not like hes just like. tugging her out of the way. he doesnt even let go of her arm until shes 1) all the way around #and 2) has steadied herself. im obsessed with this gif its everything to me.#AAAAAAAAAAAAAGUH ok its fine its fine i can be normal. ok anywyas #ask game answers #karmaicperfection #graymer #diego armando #maya fey #mia fey #the fey family period drama #<- you know what. im putting these in the sorting tags i feel like i said enough that it warrants it #anyways. THANK YOU FOR INDULGING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE i love them <3

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the-whispers-of-death · 12 days

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im a sucker for all the tropes ever so. may i present uhh. one of those things where a character gets sent to a different world. yeah. putting my dearly beloved criminal!stone trough all the situations ever

imagine that reader is just your average joe. a 9to5 job, living alone, that sorta deal. biggest crime he's ever commited is crossing a red light or not paid for a bus fare, yknow, that sorta thing

maybe a regular job. warehouse manager, cashier, mechanic. that sorta thing.

maybe hes just gotten off his shift. probably did overtime. definetly takes a shortcut trough an alley.

absolutely does not expect to hear running footsteps and to get yanked backwards and turned around to face criminal!stone

WhoTheFuck and WhatTheFuck

maybe stone's internally freaking out. what IS this place, the streets dont look like that!! where's his boss??? the street names are the same but. theyre clean. safe. what??? not a thug in sight

what if he spotted reader from a far and sprints his way. too much distance! what if something happens? but the distance means he cant see that not a single scar is on his body. that he doesnt even have a gun. not even a knife! maybe he was 100% convinced this was his boss but. nope. just a look-a-like

maybe as hes processing this, stone freezes up for a second. a second too long as hes getting shoved back.. thats... thats not what his dearly beloved would do to him. did he do something?! wait- why is his love running away?!

reader is probably scared shitless. a strange man who knew my name and was grabbing me at night would 100% scare me, at least. even more so if he gave chase.

what if criminal!stone can never find a way to return back to mafia!reader tho.. hm now thats the real question.

i mean his options are either try to slowly gain readers trust.. i mean, they have the same face and very similar mannerisms so that MUST be them, right?? ... just ignore how he broke into their apartment to sleep on the couch. ("i didnt know where else to go"). guard dog acquired...? ... and a guard dog means a dog that can be also slowly eased into relaxation, into accepting safety and peace. also a trope i deeply enjoy ;)

or. well. gun emoji to the head. i guess. i mean he has to know this isnt HIS love. and whats the point of it all if he abandoned his boss, intentionally or not? and with no way in sight to get back home.. welp. goodbye cruel world moment right there

anyways my fingers are numb ive been typing for 30min and holding my phone really weird

~ rusty

Criminal!Stone: He's not my love, not exactly. But I can't just abandon him.

He's just like, it's kinda my love. They share the same DNA and thus, Criminal!Stone thinks he has to protect you like the beloved he unintentionally left in his own universe.

He does in fact sleep on your couch, you can't kick him out. He'll just come back every time. He'll gain your trust.

But I like to think Criminal!Stone ends up back in his original universe and you (the same mafia boss as always) wake up to him clinging to you. And he's convinced it was just a dream. A nightmare, if you will.

He follows you around for weeks, not wanting to wake up again in a universe where you two aren't together. No, no. You'll stay his beloved, here in this universe. He won't allow you to be separated again.

As for how he got back into his own universe, well, I've already kinda established that Serial Killer!Stone can travel between universes and he regularly does so to ensure his other Stone variants are happy and safe. So he probably saw Criminal!Stone out of his own universe and was like "Alright, I guess I'll help you get back home."

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sunset-bridge · 7 months

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gorbo thoughts (the real)

if you saw the other ones no you didnt. its just i realized i forgot some Important things so my brain readjusted. i hope no one really saw the other ones or. if you did Erase them from your memory pretty please?

like. ok im certain he Does know from the start ( i. think?) that protag is joker, since he had already heard mona in the metaverse by then. i wasnt certain if you had to actually hear him or if just entering the metaverse was enough, but yeah you have to hear him; sae , despite having entered the metaverse, still cant understand mona since she never actually got to hear him there. anyways

but like. ok its so. funny and also Bad for me. can you imagine. hey going with the plan of. haha im gonna get this guy sooo bad. heheheh im gonnnnna. get him!!! and then like. ah shit im actually having fun but im gonna have to kill this guy a few months later. well.

like. "hehhe yeah im gonna get this guys trust by hanging out with him a bit and pretending to be a nice friend : ) its ok im super good at this i wont even get attached i completely control every single neuron in my brain NOPE i wont enjoy this because im always self aware. all the time forever" <---- the clueless

god with goro being the type of person to crave attention and . you know that he wants to feel needed or wanted around. hmm. i too would start to have a normal amount of fun later like. eheh. this guy likes hearing me blabber about stuff : ) ahah this is kinda cool i can just say whatever i want lol.. WAIT FUCK!!. like. ofc hes aware hes the Enemy but that doesnt stop you from having fun in the moment and then being like. SHIT !! like. you cant fucking control liking someones company like that lol. do you guys get what im saying. shaking you. mfw i need to be evil and shit but FUCK im still just human and have human emotions and shit

also. its. really funny to me. the. fucking traumadumping like. did he. was he trying to like. appear even more genuine to fool joker even more. but failed in the process and just. actaully Talked about Real Things instead. BECAUSE guys when i was playing. i sincerely thought "hey i wonder if any of these things hes saying about his past are even real lol.." LIKE I THOUGHT he would like. yknow make something up? but. nope. he just. he just used his Real Lore. hello goro?

but like

tbh understandable. i cant imagine he had many people he could share stuff about his life with; hell , not even shido, since he couldnt know about goro's mother and what not. and other people, way too risky. they could make rumors about the detective prince

guy was just waiting for an opportunity to drop that on someone BHSGHSGHKF

quoting my beautiful friend sage: like his brain probably abandoned the plan as soon as he started talking bc he didn't realise how much he needed to get it off his chest. and then he like "fuck he knows too much about me now. he needs to die".

boyloser. mfw i try to gaslight my silly rival into trusting me by acting genuine but at some point i start being Too Real

^^ this is it . like. yeah ok goro you can pretend to be cold and cool but. idk man this shit would eat anyone away. i would Want to tell it to at least Someone at some point you know.

honestly this is on shido for trying to use a traumatized 18 year old as a spy hitman. an 18 year old who wants to be needed by anyone even. like cmon. honestly skill issue. like cmon man

anyways. im. normal about it. ahah can you imagine that your only slightly real friend is the guy you have to kill a bit later. like. the only time you can be somewhat genuine is with your fucking archnemesis rival . man. and even then its like. im a guy hiding under 37 layers of irony but hey this other guy (also hiding under 37 layers of irony) is kinda cool fr.. . ggggggggggg

#hi #real this time #cuervo caws

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itsjaywalkers · 2 months

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hi lovey how are you <3

it's late—like,,,4am late—and im somehow spewing out actual sentences BUT i have a question and i've been debating on how to start this whole thing so ill just say fuck it n get it out there—how do you keep up with all your wips??? bc like,,,,i've started writing, and i LOVE it. it's so fun to have these ideas finally out in word format instead of just stuck in my head.

but i have a really bad habit of starting smth n then...moving on to smth else when inspiration strikes. i occasionally go back to what i was originally writing, but even then it doesn't last long before im starting a whole new story 😭 im a little peeved as i've completely abandoned this one writing i slaved away at for days abt the backstory of one of my ocs—im somewhat proud of it n i don't want to just not get back into it.

as i write this, im currently staring at my laptop as i churn out yet another story of said oc (along with multiple other ocs myself n a friend made together) n im just,,,perplexed?? i suppose, on how so many fic writers keep up with all their wips.

i realize now that im just droning on n on so ill end here. writing is a bitch but also feels me with accomplishment when i do end up finishing smth, so i was just curious as to how you work around wips n things like that.

hello darling, i'm okay!! kinda dreading today's shift, but it is what it is. how are u tho??

and to be honest with u, i don't keep up with my wips like . at all . i do try to maintain some order, and sometimes i forbid myself from working on a story in favour of focusing on another one, but it doesn't always work, and there are times in which i really want to work on a fic even tho it's not a priority or supposed to be posted any time soon. but still, i try not to beat myself up over it, bc fanfiction is a hobby and something that i do for fun!! it shouldn't feel like a chore, so even if i do want to keep a schedule or alternate between wips so i can have some resemblance of balance, it's not really necessary, or even possible, considering the amount of wips i have lmao. it's our work and our writing, we're free to never finish anything if we don't want to, or to write 13847872648 fics at the same time, or to write only one for the rest of our lives. there are no rules or a right way to go about it yk??? i totally get the need to . focus on just one project, or at least be able to finish something, anything, but it'll happen at some point, i promise, and u should never force yourself, especially when it comes to an activity u do bc u love it and enjoy it

it's different if we talk about original fiction or original characters.. at least in my case!! i didn't get into writing fanfic until a few years ago, but i've been writing original stories since i can remember!! in fact there's this one i'm very slowly making progress with, that i came up with back when i was 17, and that i really want to . finish someday and hopefully try and publish it. for me, and when i'm really passionate about a project, like with this one, i do . force myself to not write anything else . it's inevitable to get new ideas, so i write them down, i make pinterest boards and even outlines, and occassionally, i also start them, write a lil of them when i need a break or to scratch the itch. but otherwise i just . do my best to stick to the one that i really love and i'm the proudest of. i do tend to hyperfixate and obsess a lot, so it's not THAT hard for me, bc even if i do get distracted sometimes, i always come back to this story. especially since i've been working on it for almost 5 years now, and i know it like the back of my hand. i could write three prequels and four sequels lol

so really, i don't think there's a right or wrong way to go about this. one of my best friends, and a writer i quite admire, jumps from a wip to another all the time, and also struggles to finish a story, but she just . trusts the process . lets herself have fun and write whatever she wants every day . it's been a while since she last finished something but she isn't too worried yk?? she enjoys what she does, and what matters is that she keeps writing. every person is different, and the way they approach writing is, too!!

my advice is to try and find out what works best for u and to stop beating yourself up over something that might be out of ur control. if u have this one story that's really important to u and that u really wanna finish, then maybe ur gonna have to practise some self-discipline, and force yourself a little, forbid yourself from getting distracted with these other shiny new ideas. but if doing that ruins the whole thing for u and sucks the fun out of writing then . take it one day at a time, focus on something different each day, and start 4 stories in the same week. it doesn't matter babe!! writing is an art, there's not a correct way to do it!!

#sorry if this wasn't very helpful i'm never the best person to ask about writing..#but i'm wishing u the best <333 #and i'm sure all ur stories are lovely #regardless of you finishing them or not #sending u a big hug #asks #s tag #on writing

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ffc1cb · 2 years

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hello! I love your art and im wondering what app you use and what pens do you use on that app? :dD

hi! first of all, thank you :) i'm glad you enjoy my art. sorry it took me so long to answer, but here it is, as detailed as i could make it

what program:

i've been using autodesk sketchbook (for drawing) & paint tool sai 2 (for filters, cropping, etc) for several years. i'm very very fond of sketchbook and i believe it to be the best entry program for beginners (and especially people who are moving from traditional to digital art, since the majority of the brushes available for AS are imitations of traditional tools. it even has a library of copic colors!) due to its simple and intuitive interface. this is both its biggest advantage and flaw: while the brush catalog is quite big and you can play with the settings a lot, there aren't that many features you can use as opposed to something like clip studio paint or even sai; it’s a very bare bones type of art program.

some things i personally find irritating (but have learned to work around) are the lack of image flipping function (instead i have to mirror the entire layer or canvas, which becomes troublesome on canvases with a lot of layers (although i assume it’s mostly due to my laptop being pretty old)), inability to have multiple canvases open at once, lack of clipping mask, somewhat clunky process of creating custom shaped brushes (nigh impossible to make an unbreaking string of a shape, e.g embroidery or lingerie), lack of water fringe function, clunky text & color adjustment editors, etc etc.

if you’ve previously used a more complex art program you might find sketchbook lacking in a lot of ways, but personally after years of usage i can safely say that it’s my favorite program i’ve ever worked with. i really love the overall simplicity of the interface (i’ve tried to switch to csp several times throughout the years but ended up being overwhelmed by the number of features), and i’m a big fan of AS’s selection tool. if you’ve never heard of sketchbook before, i urge you to give it a try! they provide a helpful manual on their site.

now, AS used to be free for all platforms (both pc and mobile), but iirc a couple years ago the program changed owners and the new company decided to remake the pc version as “autodesk pro” & charge $20 for it (although mobile is still free). which is fine i suppose since i hear that it’s being updated again (previous owners made it free in the first place because they essentially abandoned its development & stopped releasing updates). but i’m also a huge fan of piracy so here’s a .zip file of the version i downloaded when it was still available (it might be outdated, but at least its free! and if you decide that you like the program, you can always one-time-purchise it later from their official website). the archive contains the setup.exe as well as a folder containing all of the brushes i use in my art process (i’ll talk about them further below). if you ever find the link not working anymore feel free to send an ask or message me for a new one.

what brushes:

here are all of the brushes i use as seen on my toolbar. the majority of them are brushes that i made myself, which is why a lot of them have weird names; the ones that have numbers in the title are just me writing down previous value settings (usually for roundness, rotation & edge) so that i dont forget them after i inevitably tweak the settings again. don’t pay them much attention.

left column is basically decorative brushes. here they are from top to bottom:

right column is brushes that i actually draw with:

i specified what each one is used for just so you get the basic idea but in reality i pretty much use them interchangeably for literally anything i feel like at the time. i also tweak the settings a lot so the overall look fluctates pretty often.

the folder in the zip file i provided has the .skbrushes (sketchbook’s custom brush format) file for the entire set. here is a guide on how to upload custom brushes.

i think that’s all! if you have any more questions, feel free to ask. i promise i will reply faster this time, lol

#salt talks

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i-sveikata · 1 year

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Hi! I got inspired to ask by some ao3 comments. Have ever tried to write Vegas POV in graveyards fic? I know it leaves us to many questions when we only know what Pete thinks, which makes readers interested. We can only imagine what Vegas means by his actions and words. As an author you always know what your characters mean or think? Or it leaves some kind of mistery to you as well?

We - VP fandom - know more or less what kind of shit Vegas has in his mind but it always makes me curious what exactly his thoughts are. For example did he had some kind of remorseful thinking when he hurt Pete? Was he hurting when he left? Was all of it a plan or just actions driven by emotions? Beside time when Pete learned to read him well enough Vegas was a mistery to him and to us as well.

Only recently Vegas seems to act more like a human being, was it Pete's doing? Is this his redemption arc(it is lol)? Vegas thought process is what amazes me. At some point his desire to possess met the realization that Pete can't be controlled, and somehow it made him more wanting(like, you ok dude?). I hope you would wrote Vegas pov but I do understand that the fic could loose some of its appeal. Like fully being in Pete's own life with its perks and flaws gives this special experience.

So maybe you would like to share some headcanons about Vegas?

Just a thought I was wondering if to ask you.

Let me now if I'm being to pushy by sending asks 🙏 Maybe you would prefer some other way or not.

Anyway, have a nice day! 😊

Hi there!!

This has actually come up a lot lol and i have answered it a couple times in the fic comments but what i will say is i've written a few scenes in Vegas' POV and at the very least have the intention of including those few scenes in the story or at most a chapter from his POV. don't really have more planned than that because i dont really want to detract from pete's POV too much if that makes sense? as most of my inspiration was seeing their dynamic from his perspective.

that's an interesting question for sure!! i would say that i do know what the characters mean or think as im writing and i try to show that in ways that the main POV might pick up on like body language or tone of voice things like that. but that doesnt always mean i know where a scene might exactly be going until the characters take me there so there is still a degree of mystery as well. it's more in the 'what will they do next?' vein rather than 'how will they react?' though.

im not sure which time you're referring to him hurting pete (which, yikes lol) but im guessing you mean when he first caught him? the way i understood it was that Vegas enjoyed every minute of it. he was angry and frustrated and wanted to lash out and hurt someone for his situation and pete just came in at the exact right/wrong time. so vegas wanted to punish him. i think he also didnt understand him just yet at that point and assumed there was a level of arrogance to pete (rather than loyalty) for him to have snuck into the minor family's house in such a brazen way. which made vegas want to take him down a few pegs and really teach a lesson and show him his place. im not sure that i consider him to be a remorseful kind of character tbh he strikes me as a kind of shark type, the whole you stop swimming you die kind of way to live so i don't think he's the type to stop and dwell on the things he does in any kind of real way. unless of course it comes back to impact him.

i think it was less about being hurt when pete escaped and more about vegas' feelings of failure and frustration which was what that scream had been about. a little raw bit of honesty that people rarely see from him. it was also an important moment of awakening for him too because i don't think vegas had truly considered the extent of what pete meant to him until he experienced the absolute gut punch of pete leaving. of being abandoned by him. there was definitely some surprise there too at the novelty of the emotions he was experiencing for the first time (which he'd previously accepted he might never ever feel about another person)

it definitely wasn't always the plan- vegas was literally making it up as he went, wrapping those actions under the guise of a game because he'd yet to understand why he was drawn to pete after everything he'd done to him. i really dont think the seriousness of it all clicked for him until pete finally escaped and he truly felt the absence of him.

vegas' behaviour changing is less about it being caused by pete than it is a reaction to pete because after the escape, vegas realised he wanted more than the control of the safe house and adjusted accordingly. it was more to do with the boundaries pete immediately started to put up after that, the things he made clear he would/wouldnt tolerate and now that vegas invested more importance to the relationship was he willing to make those changes with the goal of pete as his reward. the both of them strike me as highly adaptable and extremely resilient people, and that's basically what vegas is doing now- adapting to the new conditions that pete has set out. yes definitely pete's POV is its own appeal for sure, but i am definitely going to have vegas POV too down the line (though not quite yet)

hmm good question im drawing a blank right now except maybe i would headcanon vegas as a bit of an insomniac? purely because its too vulnerable of a position to be caught in so he prefers not to sleep that often? which makes the fact that he was sleeping so easily with pete so significant. sorry thats the only thing popping into my head atm.

oh not at all im happy to answer questions! (if this ridiculously long reply didnt already tell you that lol)

#fic asks #abuse tw #power dynamics #dont know how else to tag this

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chaoticfandomthot · 4 months

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Started watching Mouse and at first I wasn't going to talk about it on tumblr to avoid getting spoiled but i have sooo many thoughts so i'll ramble under the cut ignore me

DO NOT SPOIL ME

Okay so i just finished episode 7 which ends with the mouse and the vague flashes of memory, right?

And i've always found it weird that Yohan would have been abandonned to a family and then picked back up by his mom, like that didn't make sense to me

I was led astray by the mom choking him reveal but like why would she even be there? Was she the wife and she remarried? No we would've heard of the other guy and having 2 other kids? She wouldn't risk it i think

So! Here are my theories as of now and a short explaination for each:

1- yohan's mom did a switcharoo somehow

->supporting evidence : the genetic papers yohan hid (i think it was proof he's not the killer's kid), the mom's weird looks at Bareum (could be just like 'damn my kid almost killed that guy but i doubt), the weird flashes of the mouse thing

I think the mom heard about the mouse thing and freaked, tried to kill him but couldnt and decided fuck it im exchanging my child or putting him up for adoption and picking up a new one. Sadly she has terrible luck

2- Bareum has not been switched, is the kid of the other mom (actually shown in the picture) and just repressed his memories of the mouse incident, nothing else weird happened to him and the genetic thing is a different thing altogether

->the most logical but i think they're putting too many pieces down for it to be so easy? Idk might be overthinking this show (def am)

3- a little out there tbh but my first one was a switcharoo so i think its too late to try to appear logical; bareum is actually responsible for his parent's death and in the process of whatever happened he lost his memories and his murderous tendencies got repressed with them

-> idk i just thought about that and why the hell not at this point

Random thoughts; the kid pf the mouse incident seemed to really enjoy it while the kid of the fish, dog and siblings seemed to do it more out of revenge/duty/lack of giving any fucks. To me that makes it clear it's not the same person, but it could also just be the development of being abused following the first incident.. i still think if the mouse kid was the siblings kid he would've looked to be enjoying the deaths more? Idk this post is a hellish mess and i cant wait to laugh at myself once im further along

Development theories that are just about future things i think will happen;

- while investigating i think bareum will get more and more into the mind of the killer until he can't repress his own urges or gets too curious and tries it himself

If above happens; might eventually get a hannibal type situation of helping investigate his own crimes and enjoying either figuring it out so easily or leading other people in circles

This is all because i need traces of my theory for how much i figured out / was wrong about once im further along

#i'll probably reblog this post with more theories or do one post every time i have new theories with them all under a cut like this #not tagging the drama yet because i dont trust people to not spoil me at all #if you've seen mouse please pleaze pllease pleaze pleade even the smallest thing i will consider a spoiler and cry about it im begging you #say nothing #aiden originals #mouse #마우스 #kdrama

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planetary · 4 months

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here i answered some of those bg3 character asks on my own 👍 if any of this is inconsistent with Actual dnd lore sorry i dont know shit. my city now ^_^ IO BLAST 💥

1: Where in the Faerûn is your Tav from?

underdark. scary spidery part of it

2: What is your character's alignment?

chaotic good. mostly.

3: Race and subclass?

seldarine drow, tempest domain cleric of selûne

4: If your Tav was a companion, where would they be found?

probably around that temple ruin you discover withers in at orrr at the goblin camp breaking into the selûnite temple lmao. she’s been there before so she just wants to get to a familiar place to sit while she processes wtf is going on

9: Is your Tav from Baldur's Gate? Why are they travelling there?

i dont think so. she doesn’t really live anywhere she just fucks around. she’s going there bc her companions want to and she doesnt have anything else to do. she left the underdark thru that temple in the game so unless she wandered pretty far, shes from around the act 1 area

10: Are they proficient in playing any instruments?

no and she’s actually hilariously awful at it. when she played the spider lyre the drider that showed up was like good fucking lord knock it off

11: Weapon of choice?

i always draw her with the blood of lathander but i think right now she has a deva mace i got from killing a deva after robbing a shrine and getting cursed. so. maces

13: What are their thoughts on killing? Is it a necessary evil or do they enjoy it?

its not really her first choice but it is her second one. like if just being friendly doesnt work out after 2 minutes shes like well gang i guess we just have to kill these guys.

14: What hobbies does your Tav have?

i think she likes sewing and robbing people and breaking into places and stealing

17: Do they enjoy life as an adventurer?

yeah she loves just fucking off doing whatever

18: What would your Tav be doing if they weren't kidnapped on the Nautiloid?

fucking off doing whatever. worshipping selûne and just being loose in the woods i think. maybe breaking into someone’s basement

19: How do you think they'll meet their end?

either trying to forgive someone who does not want to be forgiven OR that assassin that’s hunting her is going to fucking get her. you know how it is with the assassin

21: What is your Tav's favorite spell?

CALL LIGHTNING!!!!!!

22: What languages is your character fluent in?

um. common. drow…? is that a thing. she’s learning the githyanki language also. and apparently she knows infernal

24: Does your character believe in the afterlife?

yepyep since im pretty sure thats a selûne thing right

25: What arcana major best represents your Tav?

ah man i have to think of all of them. major arcana… fuckkk. ill get back to u. whatever the future tense of the tower is. she already burnt everything down and rebuilt from the ashes. her character development at this point is learning not to lace her corset so tight and being really proud if her friends

26: What animal best represents your Tav?

maybe a birdie. cute little bird. or a snake. not a hostile snake though just one of the ones that hangs out and chills

27: What was their life like before the events of BG3?

she was born into house helvindar in the underdark and was raised as a war cleric of lolth (EVIL SPIDER GODDESS!). was a really good one. made a lot of sacrifices and had a looot of potential. people knew of her and were sometimes even impressed by her ruthlessness and devotion. but she started realizing that lolth didnt really have a goal, she just wanted to create chaos. they weren’t working towards anything. there was no purpose for any of this. and as she started doubting her faith she started developing empathy and got resentful of all the things she’d done just for ultimately nothing, not even her goddess’s favor. eventually she discovered that abandoned selûnite temple down there and made up her mind that she was going to flee the underdark. her elder sister found out and followed her there, they fought, but ultimately io escaped into the surface temple and stumbled outside all bloody and disoriented. she saw the moon for the first time and since it was an old selûnite temple that’d granted her escape she sought out others and eventually became a cleric of selûne. her eye was damaged in the fight with her sister, and has been replaced with a moonstone as a gift of recognition from selûne. she’s very devoted but due to her beginnings as a lolth worshipper she doesnt take any issue with whoever serving shitty or people. she’s like well shit happens. I’d like if you stopped torturing people but i believe in freedom and choices so no pressure

28: Is your character the de facto leader of the party? Or do they consider someone else to be the leader?

yeah she is but she does kind of consider lae’zel to be running this shit sometimes since she knows the most about mindflayers and all that. she just happens to be a good influence on everyone by accident by being so chill and accepting of everything

30: What's your favorite thing about your Tav?

i like her kind of like. internal conflict sort of? like she’s very sympathetic and open to forgiving/helping people who are fucked up bc she used to be fucked up like she was ritual sacrificing kids which apparently drow do, crazy shit!!! but she struggles with knowing like, how far to go. she knows not everyone can be helped/saved and she’s ultimately fine with killing them if she’s gotta. but she wonders sometimes if she gave up too early or if she gave the other person too much leeway. like… at what point is it not worth trying to help someone anymore. she also worries that her nonchalance and acceptance of “evil” people is going to put her friends in danger cuz she likes to trust people. she forgets people can and will lie. every betrayal is a surprise for her bc she wants to believe everyone is as upfront and open and honest as she is and then shes like FUCK. which is fun :)

and finally here is the desc for tempest cleric that i love so much for her;

Your faith has made you the very thunder that quakes the black firmament, the lightning coursing through the veins of a terrible storm.

#io

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red-dye40 · 9 months

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it’s my fic’s birthday n i just want to take a mome to reflect on this past year of writing my cringe jthm fic because no joke it has been one of the most therapeutic and rewarding things ive ever done for myself so im gonna spill my guts under the cut here in case ur into that sorta thing

no joke i started writing ancillary auxiliary (obvs under a different much dumber name) when i was THIRTEEN. i was perpetually very very scared of and confused by my psychosis—i saw and heard things constantly that no one else did, and no one could explain that to me, which was obviously very isolating and frustrating. jthm made me feel rly normal (like not alone??) and this fic was a way for me to explore and dissect all these things i was processing and experiencing and repressing. i abandoned it like right away because i was a young teen with undiagnosed adhd but im sure it’s still kickin around on deviantart somewhere.

i have struggled w a lot through my years—addiction n subsequent withdrawal, hallucinating nonstop, uhhhh Being Trans In Society, willingly choosing to be an actor bc i am literally insane—and i felt like my brain was only getting sicker, because i never prioritized my health! none of it! but especially not my mental health!

in the isolation of quarantine a couple years ago i had like sooooooo many psychotic episodes, and eventually i admitted myself to a psych ward bc i was so scared and i just wanted to get better finally!

and i did get better! eventually!

it took a lot of hard work, and i was in outpatient for what felt like forever, and i was going to therapy twice a week and trying a bunch of meds and also just experimenting w hormones bc why not. i stopped making art (which truly truly was sometimes the only thing in my life that brought me joy) because the shit i was making was so scary, i just didn’t want to subject myself to that.

eventually i got myself a really amazing job, literally a dream job of mine, and things fell into place, and my job was my whole personality for a while. idk when it happened but sometime last summer i suddenly felt myself really wanting to read jthm again ?? i guess as i was reflecting on all my trauma, and how i used to cope w it as a kid?? but i reread director’s cut and it truly felt like someone unclogged a drain in my head and all this new inspiration and like LOVE for my past self and xir interests just rushed in and it was so exciting!!!!

and i remembered this fic i had started so long ago, and how proud i was of the concept, and i started writing it in my notes app and it got bigger and bigger and i found a little corner on instagram of ppl who liked it (thank u to those of u who are still here rn!!!!! if ur reading this ilysm) and now it’s this! and i love it!

it might just be super self indulgent at the end of the day idk but! i love everything that has come from this fic (and Other Fics i have written 👁️) and i am so grateful to all of u who have read ancaux and enjoyed it and reblogged and left comments like :) thank u so much

there are three (maybe four?) chapters left i literally didn’t anticipate this to go on for so long and i have no idea when it will end but im excited :) and i hope you’ll stick around :) the ending is rly good i think

LOVE U ALL THANKS

#ancaux #happy birthday dorter #thank u all for being so sweet im kissing u all unless u don’t want that #in that case i am nodding respectfully at u

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lordfreg · 1 year

Text

scribble bc im losing my mind

@hypocriticaltypwriter

i'm going insane, perhaps wacky, one might even say crazy, i'm losing my mind, my marbles, my bananas, i'm falling off my rocker so to speak.

the scimbo (batty) and sqeekem (karai) have taken over my mind. i am unable to think because of them. in this fic batty’s 17 and karai is 16 (i was working under the assumption that since batty was born in october that they were only a few months apart)

they make my brain to to really angsty stuff so now you have to suffer with me.

have to put a TW because there’s some heavy stuff; gore, swearing, implied abuse, gaslighting. (fic starts under the cut because im nice and i love you, also drink water and eat food; not while reading this)

enjoy (:

----------------

THE STENCH OR ROTTING FLESH burned his nose. He should have been used to this now. He’s been to a recently invaded Krang site before; but this one was different.

It was his home.

Was his home.

They kicked him out, they abandoned him, they left him to rot in a harsh and unforgiving world.

And yet, Patrick felt bad. He let the stench of half-eaten corpses get to him. He flinched at the sight; destroyed building, tentacles everywhere. Mutant Silverfish eating the corpse of some person.

He shuttered at the sight, the insides of people on a vulgar display. The sight was only matched by the stench. He watched the Krang tentacles slide across the ground, the eyes looking at him intently, perhaps wondering if he should be their next meal.

Patrick kicked them away pathetically, like they were some trash on the road in his way, and continued into the rubble.

He knew no one was in their, but Master Leonardo insisted on checking every new attack sight. The leader said “Your good ears could be useful for finding people,” but the only thing Patrick found with his ears were trouble.

The Oozsquitoes still roamed the skies, turning people into mutants, that’s how Patrick turned into one, anyway.

Apparently, his appearance looked that of a human modified by the Krang. That’s how he got abandoned by the humans who ran the camp he was being raised in. Where his sibling died, where his mother was separated from him in the rush to escape New York, where his father looked on in horror as his one and only son was disgustingly mutated into a bat.

Thinking about hurt his back, it had been a pain to have giant bony wing rapidly sprout from your back. They ripped his skin, and exposed muscles, before quickly healing and making him cry out in pain.

All of it, was a painful process.

He shook off the feeling of disgust lingering on his back, and continued through the destroyed building, listening for anything, anything at all.

A sniffle, a cough, a whimper, anything.

A small, faint and quite frankly pathetic cry for help was heard.

Patrick spun his head around towards the sound, running to it. He leaped over corpses and Krang tentacles to reach the person.

He skidded to a stop when he arrived in the destroyed room he heard the sound come from. He looked around desperately, trying not to smile because he finally found someone.

The room was empty, a flipped table, a knocked over refrigerator, a woman's dead body next to a giant hole in the wall. Was probably impaled from a Krang hand, he noted.

Other then that, the room was empty.

Patrick let out a heavy sigh, was he hearing voices again? Probably, he admitted to himself.

He bent over to the floor, noticing a fully intact cell phone on the ground, slightly behind the thrown over table. Picking it up, it turned on and showed a picture of a family; a black-haired woman with two kids, a 15-year-old and a 3-year-old.

Patrick’s mouth wavered into a frown, he hated seeing kids get effected by this. They kid was probably dead by now, but still.

“H-Help...?” A scared voice asked from the other side of the flipped table.

Patrick didn’t even process it until he looked up from the phone and saw a small child, death gripping a stuffed rabbit. Mrs. Cuddles.

Patrick’s face turned into an expression of pure ‘What the Hell?’. It was the kid from the photo! That means, that woman is his mother. Where was his sister?

Patrick cleared the questions from his mind and looked tenderly at the child.

“Hey, buddy.” He said quietly, “I’m not going to hurt you, okay? I’m here to help, I’m with the Resistance.” He showed the child his wristband with the Mad Dog logo on it.

The child quivered before scooting over to him, and touching the engraved symbol.

“See? I don’t bite.” Patrick whispered softly, “I’m here to take you to safety.”

“Okay.” The child said, standing up with Patrick. “Do you know where sissy is?” He asked, completely trustingly.

“No, we only just got here. We don’t live here.” Patrick said flatly, looking at the child with concern.

“I wish sissy was here. She said that Stuffie would keep me safe. I don’t feel safe.” The child said, making the Mrs.Cuddles clone dance a little before dropping it to his tummy.

Patrick felt a lump in his throat. He’d been through this same thing, except he saw what happened to his sibling.

“Hey,” Patrick spoke, getting the child’s attention, “What do you say we go back to my house and try to find your sister with the help of some people who are really good at stuff like this?”

“Like, tracker?” The child said, looking up at Patrick with complete admiration.

“Yeah, I guess you could call them that.” Pat shrugged, “But they mostly fight bad guys.”

“Really?” The child turned to the bat mutant and signaled ‘up’ with his tiny, still-basically-an-infant hands.

“Yeah,” Pat said, picking the boy up, “They do that all the time.”

“So they beat the evil aliens?”

“Yeah.”

“So cool.”

“I know, right?”

----------------

Patrick returned to the Resistance base, having talked to the child and finding out his name is Jago. But his friends called him Go-Go.

“Hmm. Cute, I like that.” Pat said, landing at the front entrance for the base. He banged on the door to wake up Cosmo, because Heaven forbid they actually do their job.

“Hey! Dork! Open the door!” Patrick shouted. “It’s your best friend and I have a child.”

“WHAT?” A voice through the intercom said.

“Just open the door, loser.”

“FINE.”

The door opened with a hiss as it slid back to reveal stairs leading underground.

“Why were so mean to that lady?” Go-Go asked.

“They’re my friend.” Patrick smiled.

He held the child in his arm as he held the rail that led down, skipping a step every so often. Once he got to the bottom he was greeted by people walking every witch way to gear up for patrol, rescue missions, daily tasks and so on.

He wrapped Go-Go in his side-cape as not to draw attention to himself, or the kid, having come back from a traumatic experience like that. The last thing the kid needed was people in his face asking him what happened.

Pat held G-Go to his chest as he maneuvered around people, soon finding Cassandra gearing up for another Krang assault.

“Cassidy,” Patrick asking importantly, “Do you know where Tam is?”

“In the Nursery, as usual.” She answered, “And it’s ‘Cass’, fucker!” Cassandra yelled after as she threw a empty tin can at him.

He chuckled and continued to make his way through the crowd and into the Nursery. He led into a hallway, dim but light enough for people to see. He rushed to the room with the sky blue door and carefully crept to the front and opened it slightly, looking in.

He saw Tamsin sitting in a chair, singing her daughter Maggie to sleep, with other napping kids around her. She was humming a song he knew too well. “Blackbird” by the Beatles. It gave him a bittersweet feeling when the melody stung his ears like a sour candy.

“Pssst! Tamsin!” Batty whispered, “I have something for you!”

“Oh! Hello, dear!” She smiled, urging Batty in. “And you don’t have to whisper, the kids sleep like logs once they’re down.”

“Okay, good.” Patrick stood up, and unraveled his side-coat, making a small, fat face with big blue eyes and black hair appear. “I found him at the Krang site.”

Tamsin gasped slightly and put a hand on Batty’s shoulder, “He’s adorable.” She gushed.

“Yeah, he’s a cute kid.” Batty smiled down at the child, who clung protectively to Batty’s sleeveless turtle neck, “But he needs someone to take care of him until I come back from another water run.”

“And you’re doing this with Leo’s permission, right?” Tamsin asked, looking at him like a mother interrogating her child.

“Would you be mad if I said no?” Batty smiled nervously.

“Yes! I would be angry because what if you got hurt? Nobody would know where you are or where to find you!”

“If I got hurt, I’d simply ping my location.” Patrick witted back.

“That takes a lot of power, power we don’t have.”

“Good thing I found this then.” Patrick smiled widely with lazy eyes as he pulled out the perfectly intact phone.

Tamsin eyes lit up, taking the phone from him. “Wow, you really are a master scout.”

“No, I just got lucky cause of Go-Go.” He said, petting the small child who was still gripping his stuffed rabbit.

“Go-Go? Is that his name?”

“No, it’s actually Jago, but everyone calls him Go-Go.”

“I miss my sissy.” Jago pouted, tears welling up in his eyes.

“Oh, darling.” Tamsin said sympathetically, reaching out for the child. “It’s okay, sweetheart, I’m sure we’ll find her.” She said to the child in a sweet embrace.

Batty could only stare on in concern, what if they never found his sister? What would we tell him?

----------------

Batty returned for the second time this day, it now being night and now being greeted by his adoring girlfriend.

She joyfully hopped over to him, wrapping her arms around him and placing a kiss on his snout.

Patrick puffed up in response, “I gotta get used to that.”

“Yes, you have to, since I’m going to be doing it a lot when we’re married.” Karai hummed.

“Mhmm.” Batty melted into her embrace as he wanted nothing more then to be held by his love. Patrick snaked his arms around Karai’s waist, bringing her in for a tight hug before letting go angin.

Karai looked at him confused, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just have to talk with Go-Go.”

“You seem tired, darling. You should rest.” Karai had put her hands to his face, caressing his cheek and making the adorable ‘you-can’t-say-no-to-me’ pouty lip.

“I don’t need rest, I need answers.”

Just then, Go-Go and Niccolo had wobbled up to Patricks leg and where now tugging on it.

“Pat! Pat! Come look what me and Niccy made!” Go-Go said proudly.

“Adorable. They already have nicknames.” Batty said, still half lulled by Karai’s gesture.

“Yeah, they’ve spent the last few hours getting acquainted.” Karai said softly, “I think your son wants you to look at something.”

“Please, don’t call him my son. I might get attached.” Patrick said, pulling way from Karai and following Go-Go and Niccolo down the hall and into the Nursery.

Niccolo pointed to a small table, with drawing things spread out all over them, in the center was portrait of Batty, with Karai, holding her hand with the caption; ‘Mom + Dad’.

Patrick felt like crying. He was conflicted; does he accept the gift and accept his role as Go-Go’s father, or does he reassure the poor child that his father is most likely alive and looking for him?

Patrick swallowed back the lump in his throat, “Th-Thank’s Niccolo and Go-Go, you guys are the best.” he keeled down so they could hug him.

The two kids rushed to give their friend a hug, Niccolo’s tail wagging and Go-Go’s cheeks dusted with pink.

“Thank you boys, for the gift, but isn’t it past your bedtime?” Batty asked, picking both of them up.

“Oh!” Niccolo cried as he looked worried, he started to cry.

Go-Go saw this and reached over to hug Niccolo, petting his head and rocking him back and forth.

Patrick could only stare dumbfounded. Go-Go barely knew these kids, yet knew exactly what they needed. It was a little amazing, actually.

Niccolo stopped crying, but still had snot and tears on his cheeks. Go-Go continued to pet his head and rock him.

“Mama’s not going to be mad at you.” Go-Go said to Niccolo, “We should just go to bed.”

Niccolo nodded, instinctively turning around to be cleaned off. Batty sighed, knowing that he’s have to put Go-Go down.

After the boys were cleaned up and ready for bed, Tamsin came into the kid’s bathroom to check up on them.

“Wow, it usually takes me and hour just to get them ready.” Tam sighed, impressed with Patrick.

“Well, when you’re as tired as they are, you want to go to bed as quick as you can.” Patrick said.

“I’m not tired,” Go-Go commented. The new child looked over to Niccolo who yawned and reached up for his mother.

Tam bent down and picked up the tired boy, Niccolo snuggling into Tam’s chest and yawning a final time before nodding off to sleep.

“They really are tired,” Tam examined, “What did you do all day?”

“We played cars, and we played good guys and bad guys. And then Casey showed up after a while and told the red turtle a lot of important stuff and they left again.” Go-Go said nonchalantly, “And then we drew a picture for Karai and Pat when they get married.” Go-Go smiled up at the now blushing Patrick, ready to hear him confirm this.

“Yeah,” Pat said, rubbing the back of his neck, “They did do that.”

Tam laughed a little, “I’ve got to get Niccolo to bed. Patrick? Be a dear and help your mother-in-law and show your son the guest room.”

Patrick groaned at the names. He picked Go-Go up and carried him down the hall, past Karai’s room, Niccolo’s room, Jeremiah’s room and finally; they were at the guest kid’s room.

It was small, only fitting two beds and a bedside table. Batty placed Go-Go on one of the beds, then sat parallel to him.

“So? How does you mom put you to bed?” The bat asked.

“Mommy doesn’t put us to bed; sissy does.” Go-Go said, once again making his little bunny dance.

“Then how does sissy put you to bed?”

“She would sing to me.”

“What would she sing?”

“I don’t know what it’s called but it goes like...” Go-Go hummed a few notes, making a melody.

The melody, was one that Patrick knew all too well.

“Blackbird singing in the dead of night.~” Patrick sang, his voice shaky.

Go-Go yawned, and rubbed his eyes. The child looked at his rabbit as his eyes lit up.

“Oh! I have a gift for you!” He said, reaching for his stuffed animal. Go-Go unzipped the back and pulled out a little glass vile filled with glowing blue liquid. Patrick tired to mask his bewilderment, taking the test-tube looking thing and examined it.

“Mommy said that it helped turn people like you back into people like me.” Go-Go said, patting his belly. “Mommy says she’s been doing it since the spooky aliens invaded.”

“Huh,” Patrick put the glass tube into his pocket, “What else did your mother tell you?”

“She said she worked with a man named Foun. And he helped make it. And he got kicked out for being too mean to my sissy.”

Patrick could feel the world shatter around him. There it was. The truth. The thing he’s been searching for his entire life. In a few short sentences said by a polite 5-year-old.

Furious didn’t even begin to describe how angry he felt.

“Patty?” Go-Go broke the silence, “Can you sing to me?”

“Sure,” Patrick smiled.

Patrick sang Blackbird, every verse coming out bittersweet and poignant. After Go-Go was officially asleep, it was time to do business.

Karai was waiting outside of the guest room, arms crossed respectfully, “You have a beautiful singing voice,” She smiled.

“Thank you,” Patrick said, walking past her. Before quickly turning around, placing a kiss on her lips and whispering a small “Love you,” kindly.

Patrick marched down to the end of the hallway, the leader’s meeting room. He didn’t care that they were having a meeting right now, this was far too important, and far too lied about to wait until tomorrow.

Karai hesitantly followed him down the hallway, using her sick ninja stealth to spy on him.

Patrick slammed open the door, making it obvious to everyone in the room that he was there.

“Knock next time,” Master Donatello said, leaning back in his chair, “And what do you want? We’re in the middle of a meeting.”

“I understand that, Master.” Patrick said, letting himself in, “But this is far too important.”

Raph looked concerned, “What is it?”

Patrick took the glass tube out of his pocket and held it up for everyone at the table to see.

“Anti-mutagen.”

“What?” Master Leonardo asked, completely lost.

“ANTI. Mutagen.” Patrick slammed the tube onto the table, “And Mulch knew about it.”

“How could I have known?” Mulch became defensive, “You’re just going to barge in here and accuse me of lying?”

“Yes.” Patrick said flatly, “Jago told me you worked on this.” He rolled the tube over to Donatello, who caught it and examined it.

“You’re really going to trust a child?” Mulch spat, disappointed that his son would accuse him of such a thing.

“Yes, I am.” Patrick huffed harshly.

“Well, I am disappointed in you! For one, you interrupt our meeting, then you start accusing me of lying! Now you’re trusting what a 4-year-old child has to say about my past life? What have you come too? Back when this all first happened, I didn’t have a choice! I had to start the Scavengers to survive! I took you in when nobody else would have! You couldn’t have survived without me! You should be grateful-”

“STOP FUCKING LYING TO ME!”

The room went quiet.

No one had heard Patrick yell. Only when he needed too, at least.

But this yell was different. I wasn’t flat and necessary, it was harsh, bold and filled with hate. It was so loud it shook the meeting room, probably the entire base.

This was the first time that anyone had heard Patrick curse, either.

Karai gasped before placing a hand over her mouth, she didn’t think he was capable of saying a bad word.

Mulch stared back at Batty from across the table, shocked and disgusted.

“Young man...” the Vulture started.

“Don’t. Save it for someone who cares. You’re not my father. You’re not my dad. I don’t even like you. You hit me, all the time. I’m sick of sitting there and taking it. I’m sick of you lying to me. Lying to them.” He pointed at the bewildered Twins and Red giant.

“You lied to an entire community. You lied to your family.” Patrick took a deep breath in, visibly restraining himself.

“You’re a lying bastard.”

Patrick turned around and left the room, more seething then he had every felt before, leaving the Turtles suspicious, confused and worried.

Leo chased after him, giving his twin a knowing nod.

Donatello and Raph both stood up, Donatello gabbing his Bo staff and Raphael cracking his fists.

“So, what’s all this about you hitting the kid?”

Leonardo chased after Patrick, who strutted fast.

“Kid! Kid!” Leo cried desperately, “What the hell did you just say back there?”

“Mulch is a fucking liar! He lied to me! He lied to you! He worked on an anit-mutagen and didn’t tell a fucking soul so he could sell it helpless mutants who wanted to be human again!”

Leonardo stood there stunned.

“But-...How-... How would you know?”

“Because I’ve watched it happen, Leonardo.”

His words were bitter and harsh, saying Leon’s name without the “master” part in front really made the reality hit him so much harder.

“But, why?” Leonardo asked, “Why did you stay quiet until now?”

“I didn’t have any proof. Proof that this was happening.”

“You didn’t need proof,” Leonardo pulled Patrick into an improvised hug, “We would have believed you.”

Patrick sniffed, before bursting into tears. It was too much. He couldn’t just talk about it without crying.

Karai rushed into the meeting room, “DAD! UNCLE! STOP!” She yelled, before they could touch him, knowing what they would do to Mulch.

They looked back at Donatello’s daughter, she had tears streaming down her face and a panicked look on her face.

Donatello’s anger turned into concern for his daughter, he put away his bo staff, turning it from a giant rocket back into a stick.

Donatello, ran to his daughter, bringing her into a hug as Raph grabbed Mulch by his collared scruff.

“It’s okay, Karai. Shhh, it’s okay.” Donatello said quietly.

“I want mom,” she sobbed.

“Me too,” Donatello said, on the verge of tears.

Raph was freely letting tears fall from his eyes.

Batty and Leonardo came back to the meeting room, and Karai and Patrick embraced one another.

Patrick tenderly stoked Karai’s soft shell, trying to sooth her as she cried. They synchronized their breathing and ended up sleeping on the couch together, just holding each other.

Patrick’s grief was still heavy, but not as heavy anymore.

----------------

MAN am i tired, up till 3 finishing this because time is a social construct. but anyway, hope this made you tear up a little at least. and yeah, im keeping Go-Go. he’s my new baby :)

so yeah, hope you enjoyed the things making my brain rot.<33333333 might do something with this in the future, for now, just have fun reading is since it’s not cannon (to the idea i have in my head) and i just really wanted to write an angst

i am so tired-

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aubzikins · 8 months

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Alaskan Darkness - Chapter 2 Writer's Collective Discord Shenanigans Pt1

We have many POVs for our lovely Rah's fic. I figured I would give yall an insight on the craziness of our little Collective. ENJOY! PSA... This is all fictional... mostly.. shenanigans

After talking to Rah about logistics of the KCONers getting up to Alaska, we got to work on prepping the houses in our neighborhood for incoming company. Nick and I were able to find some abandoned stores that had a ton of winter gear of all different sizes. We loaded up our two SUVs and determined to use the middle house of the neighborhood as a “processing” center. This allows everyone to come into the neighborhood, get a set of keys for a house, some food and pick up some winter gear.

Dealing with a zombie apocalypse where they seem to not like Alaska, is kind of boring. We are in a smaller town which means we don’t have to deal with a whole lot of people. This leaves me with some extra time on my hands. After getting everything prepped, we still had a couple days until the KCONers were due to arrive. I decided to get onto Discord and check in with everyone.

Writers Collective Discord – Chaotic-Main:

Aubz: Hey y’all!!!! God, the one good thing about being up here is that no one bothers me. Everyone doing okay down there?

Rah: Were good.

Rayne: Just hanging out…

Bella: All good here, getting to know everyone.

Aubz: Hey @Rayne, have you tried to “seduce the Jinnie” yet?

Rayne: I…

Rah: AUBZ!!!! WE INVITED THEM ALL TO THE SERVER!! THEY ARE IN HERE!!!

Aubz: Oh Shit!!!! *Deletes the previous message* SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aubz: Um… So, @Rah @Bella, I am making a new role and a private channel. Also, please next time WARN me before we invite a bunch of idols into the server. Everything has been muted since we were out and about collecting supplies…

CaptainsEyepatch: wtf? I thought Rayne was into Woo??????

Aubz: o.o Um… Whatcha talking about? I’m Aubz Snow… I know nothing.

**creates a private channel and the role of WC Ogs**

Aubz: Ok, so when the FUCK did they all join???

Bella: *hysterically laughing* The Kids joined as soon as we got internet back, the pirates joined after the military announcement.

Rah: Yeah, figured everyone should be in the server so we could communicate better.

Aubz: Oh okay… WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT

Jennen: Theres the lightbulb…

Aubz: OOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG DOES THIS MEAN THEY HAVE BEEN ABLE TO READ EVERYTHING WE HAVE SENT????????????

Shai: Yeah… about that… I have already had to talk to Bin and Cap about it. That was a fun convo *rolls eyes*

Kel: They have seen all the pictures as well..

Aubz: *dies dramatically* oh fuck… All Channels?

Bella: Yeah

Aubz: and y’all have the pirates HEADING MY WAY?

Rah: *nods* Yes…

Aubz: omfg omfg omfg…. *finally meets Seongwha* “Hi im the middle aged married woman who has been thirsting and writing about yall for years… Welcome to my humble abode.”

Rah: *laughing* I love Aubz meltdowns!

Kel: me too

Aubz: Question…

Bella: possible answer?

Aubz: Do they by chance know about our personal servers?

Kel: I know they know about them but none of us have sent them any invites…

Aubz: Oh thank god…

Rayne: Also… no I have not seduced the Jinnie. Although he's trying to seduce me it seems... *winks*

Bella: I may or may not have told the demon Bunny about your server name.

Aubz: *Embarassed face* WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT???

Bella: Because you have been paying a monthly fee to call him Meow Meows everyday. Also he admits that he saw those messages AND all the messages that you had sent about DnD, fics etc

Rah: Basically, if it was put into this server... they know about it...

Aubz: Ok… so I am gonna start heading for the arctic circle, its been nice knowing y'all.

Rah: it gets better…

Aubz: WHAT DO YOU MEAN RAH?

Bella: *sends laughing Ezma Kitty gif*

Aubz: oh fuck…

Jennen: Just take this as payback for your years of shenanigans…

Kel: Its okay Aubz… its good…

Rah: I will send you a DM

Aubz: *sends a Chan hiding gif*

Rah: Check your DMs

Aubz: I am so fucked… figuratively…

Aubz: o…m…g… I am um gonna go hide now. Also just remember, I am gonna be able to tell the pirates ALLLLLLLL ABOUT YOU GUYS! So no telling the Kids ANYTHING

Rayne: I will just message Seongwha on the side and give him a list of all your side comments in your server… Like tagging Peach trying to get her to stan Ateez… the tongue pics

Shai: Remember we have access to your server too.

Aubz: oh god…

Shai: If I have to suffer, everyone is suffering…

Bella: Might wanna check the main chat guys..

Writers Collective Discord – Chaotic-Main:

CaptainsEyepatch: wtf? I thought Rayne was into Woo??????

Aubz: o.o Um… Whatcha talking about? I am Aubz Snow… I know nothing.

Rah: Don’t mind the Aubz, she’s been isolated for a while

WoosFoxEars: Cheating on me already Rayne?

CaptainsEyepatch: Wow, I thought I told you guys that you can only stan us?

BinniesCake&Biddies: Its not our fault that they found better? *winks*

WoosFoxEars: Better? I’ll remember that Binnie

ChickieYongbok: I think it’s cute!

Ferret&Flames: *sends a drama gif*

Rah: …

Bella: Now Now Guys…

ChrisHasRizzButCannotFlirt: …

SURPRISE!_ImLINO: Let them fight it out Bella… I need some entertainment…

MamaHwasTongueTamer: Where did Aubz go?

Jennen: She is hiding, she is our chaos starter…

OGMaknaeOnTop: That is an understatement from what I have read..

DobermanInTheDiscord!: oh @Aubz where are you… it shows you online!

Aubz: … New Discord, who this?

Bella: *facepalms*

Rah: *laughing*

Jennen: Didn’t you rant about FicJinnie setting you on fire in the fic @Rayne???

Rayne: … I hate you…

Aubz: um… did yall seriously use the fic Discord usernames?

Bella: They did it so we knew who they were.

Aubz: I feel like I was set up… *nervous laugh* Don’t mind me as I go and delete ALL previous messages and start walking towards the arctic circle like ive been exiled.

MamaHwasTongueTamer: @Aubz don’t do that! I am on my way up to you, Tongue and all *winks*

Aubz: Rayne… Please see other chat…

Rayne: Nope say it here Aubz

Aubz: Rayne… Not in front of guests.

Bella: *insert popcorn gif*

SURPRISE!_ImLINO: Bella share the popcorn, this is getting good.

Rayne: Aubz… I DARE you to say it in here…

Aubz: FINE… IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU THE MOMENT I FUCKING SEE YOU RAYNE!!!!!!!

TheFaeKingsCrown: @Aubz No strangling the Rayne…

MamaHwasTongueTamer: @Aubz calm down…

Jennen: Bold of y’all to assume Rayne would not enjoy Aubz strangling them…

Aubz: *facepalms* and I just swore in front of them. *cries* I am gonna go die now.

Rah: Not allowed Aubz

Aubz: On that note… I am gonna go finish prepping for the KCONers arrivals. If y’all need me, tag me *kisses* *inserts Homer Simpson disappearing gif*

MamaHwasTongueTamer: See you soon Aubz *winks*

Writers Collective Discord – Chaotic-Main:

Aubz: btw I hate y’all and fuck my life…

Rah: Nope! You love us!!!

#fanfic #stray kids #fanfic newbie #haha #shenanigans

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87435678753256732 · 11 months

Text

MAY '23!!

haillo,

its already June 8th, which means May flew by so quickly. I didn't read or skim past my last entry. mostly because im sure of what I wrote down for April. and its all happy stuff!! im sitting now in the kitchen table of my boyfriends apartment, and it feels a bit strange to complete this entry somewhere public. Athough I have done it at work before everyone arrived, I guess it felt scary but now it feels okay. like there's nothing to worry about. I will be starting school soon, around three months to be exact. Im feeling different emotions, but im sure about what im doing. sometimes my autistic traits strike me down and I feel that I am not socially competent as other people in my field. Guess thats just my own take on imposter syndrome. hearing from people in the field that are younger than me think im much older due to my experience/ the way I present myself is interesting, flattering maybe? idk. time will pass anyway, so I can either be in 2026 with a degree or 2026 with no degree, whallaa!! sometimes I wonder if the better route would be in some field where I don't need as much human interaction, but then I remember that I love people!! I love chatting and hearing about my close pals days, even if I get stuck and have no clue what to bring up or respond. My therapist also broke up with me over a month ago. Not sure if I added that to the past entry. I understand why, im not bitter, but I am working on processing things on my own without relying on a therapist to listen to me in the middle of the week. I am glad that I have connected good friends with her, and I have been Able to see the progress!! It def helped me in ways that I am seeing now. even my old therapist who wasn't in touch helped impact my life in a way. I guess she listened and was the only one listening. WOOPS! Now im sitting on this black table as I complete the entry for may. the month of may was great. I was able to hang out with my friends, enjoy work, and hang out with my boyfriend. I was able to fall deeper in love, and enjoy all the little things in life that I had taken for granted. its strange walking in the chilling morning, hearing all the birds chip as I drink my warm coffee. Not that nature itself is strange, but Its strange that im finally in a point in my life in which my thoughts no longer overwhelm me. I still have my fears, and I am trying my best to work on them. One of them being my fear of abandonment. a part of my brain tries (the evollll part) tries to convince me that I do not deserve the happiness im feeling right now. that for some reason, things will get worse and I will once again fall. Its like premeditating my next depressive episode. I hate it. I try doing some CBT on myself and try to grasp why the irrational thoughts I have are only that, irrational. I really wish I didn't think this way, why do I not believe that I deserve good things? is it my jealousy convincing me that my hot boyfriend has people on a waitlist? idk LOL. I hope to be able to overcome these thoughts one day. Hopefully that will be soon. I know that I cannot keep these thoughts to myself, so I am open about them with my bf. I appreciate the validation I get, and am thankful that his reactions to my DIY processing aren't negative. I hope to reach a point where I don't rethink my thoughts before I tell him. I feel that way currently, but I guess closer. Its terrible to hear my coworkers/friends speak about the issues they have with their partners. overall it looks like they all revolve money somehow. what I find interesting is that it tends to come more from people who grew up well off?? not sure what it is. but I feel like if you truly love and care for someone, spending money on them shouldn't hurt?? especially if you're not poor and broke asf. even poor people find ways to show their love!! its crazy. anyways, thats all I've got. see you in JULLYYY

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muttfangs · 2 years

Text

i'm in the process of finding a competent therapist post-IOP still, so, I apologize for the weird emotional dump I'm about to type out in here but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I guess maybe I hope some of y'all can relate / understand / offer solidarity or whatever ahaha woof I need to bark about it somewhere tho for catharsis

I'm adding TW's and spoilering the entire thing bc it's a lot to handle unprompted lol

tw for: general mental illness stuff, love addiction, family dynamics / verbal abuse, cPTSD

so I really don't like talking about my dating endeavors ever (I have a very weird... past... with love addiction and I am 100% aware of how unhealthy I was in my relationships prior to IOP lmfao) but like. I had a massive, weird, existential panic attack last night surrounding my past with serial limerence and doubting myself and being like "am I really feeling these feelings for [person], or am I being blinded by how nice they are to me, regressing into old trauma, and just enjoying the attention too much and re-opening my abandonment issues" sdajhfd

anyways so. I have a really big crush on someone I've hung out with a couple times irl recently. and like we click super well, they're extremely attractive, smart, sweet, etc. they're also trauma informed both verbally and wrt sex stuff, and when we hook up sexually I've never felt so safe in my life lmao like they ask me for consent for more intense kink stuff, they listen to me when I say "no", and I know that sounds like bare minimum but I've NEVER felt 100% in control and safe during rough sex ever so uh. it's a big, big deal for me to actually trust and feel safe around someone in kink settings. especially since they're like, WAY taller and more muscular than me lmfao but I don't feel threatened at all.

I'm bad about being concise WHOOPS but in a nutshell I started feeling really really guilty about having feelings for them because like... I don't know if I want to? I feel like being into them romantically feels like "too much" due to my past with limerence and love addiction. and I've told them like "haha uh oh i think I have a crush on you". and like they aren't non-receptive to it, our dynamic is very like physical-affection, intimacy based and communicative and when we hang out it isn't always explicit lol like I invited them over for dinner a couple nights ago after they got off work and we just cuddled and chilled and talked about how weird the climate surrounding trans issues is rn etc. like we just. enjoyed each other's company.

I GUESS??? what i'm trying to say is like I feel guilty about having feelings for them because it feels ... like I'm going insane and regressing into limerence again? lmao like I hate realizing i'm crushing on them romantically because my brain feels like it's short circuiting and it feels wrong and confusing to me bc I DON'T KNOW IF IM ACTUALLY LIKE... FEELING THESE THINGS OR OF IVE BEEN SO ISOLATED AND TOUCH STARVED THAT I THINK I AM?????? asdfjkhf it's. intense and weird and I hate all of it lol

anyways yeehaw never having affection or attention growing up fucked me up permanently and that's why I struggle with attraction and attachment to this day and it feels terrifying and even like. unethical for me to crush on people because I don't understand what's real and what's my brain malfunctioning :)

#me #barking into the void

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yoooespinosa · 3 years

Note

please do a part 2 for the draco fic where he rejects her i cant be left like that also would love for them to end up together

a/n: I feel like its rushed, idk. I didn't even like how the first part came out, so I had no motivation for this one. Im sorry, I tried lmao.

here’s part 1

"Y/l/n!" A voice just a few ways down the corridor called, the person you've been trying to avoid.

You increased your pace, dodging the people around you and their swinging bags they carried. You knew he called you out in the middle of a crowded corridor because it would be harder for you to get away, which only multiplied your irritation.

"Y/l/n!" He called louder, sounding closer, only making you walk away faster.

"Y/n." He latched onto your wrist, once you escaped the crowd of students, you groaned in frustration.

"What, Malfoy?" Turning to him and yanking your arm free.

He looked taken aback that you actually acknowledged him, unlike the incidents before. He sputtered, you almost laughed in his face-- because, Draco Malfoy, sputtering? You've never seen that before.

"If you're just going to gawk at me like a weirdo," Already turning away. "then I think I'll take my leave."

"No!" He said a little too loudly. Lower this time "No, look, can we talk."

You pursed your lips, masking your face with the indifference that he normally carried himself with. "We don't have anything to talk about."

Once again, you turned away, managing to get four steps in this time.

“Look, can i just-“ He cuts himself off when your steps don’t falter. “Y/n, please.”

You immediately pause mid-step. He sounded, desperate. You let out a silent sigh, slowly turning to face him, his eyes were burning into yours once you met them.

You stare at him until he casts his eyes downcast. “I’m sorry.” He mumbles.

“What?” Your eyebrows furrow, surely he doesn’t expect you to accept that pitiful apology. “I didn’t hear you.”

“I’m sorry, okay?” He snaps at you, meeting your gaze once again.

You raise you eyebrow at him, unamused.

“I’m sorry.” Once again, more sincere this time.

Yet, you couldn’t find it in yourself to forgive him, not right now at least. You didn’t care if it took a lot in him to pack up the courage and apologize, you refuse to let Draco Malfoy walk all over you again. He’ll have to earn your forgiveness.

You stare at him blankly for a few seconds, his cheeks flush and once again looks away from you.

“I bet you are.” A mumbled response as you walk away from him, just like you walked away from him on the night of his rejection, yet this time you didn’t carry the burden of a broken heart.

Lotus flowers. He somehow got you a bouquet of lotus flowers, your favorite. You’re not sure how he even managed to do that, with such flowers, but he did.

You couldn’t deny the way your heart fluttered when you looked up and met his grey eyes, shining with hopefulness, a few ways down the slytherin table in the great hall.

You hadn’t talked to him in a few days and he hadn’t seeked you out, a part of you was a little disappointed, but now that feeling disintegrated.

You actually haven’t talked to the three other slytherins sitting around him either. They apologized too and you reluctantly accepted, but still chose to surround yourself with other people, people who wouldn’t laugh at you behind your back.

“He’s really trying, isn’t he?” Tracey Davis chuckled softly from her place next you, gazing at the beautiful flowers you held in your hand.

“I guess.” You mumble, pursing your lips in thought.

“Well, are you going to forgive him or carry it out a little longer?” Milicent asks, with a smirk adorning her face, you already knew which choice she’d prefer.

You smirk back at her before swiftly casting an incendio to the beautiful flowers, you only regretted it a little, but it was all worth it once you saw the look on his face.

His mask crumbled. Good, i’ll incendio his flowers like he did my heart, you thought bitterly.

The next advance he made was when you were next to your favorite window, in the abandoned corridor. The sun was close to setting, making a beautiful orange tint cast across the corridor.

You heard footsteps, each once coming closer to you and you immediately knew it was him. You had felt him staring at you all day, each one getting harder to ignore. Especially the ones that were burning through your skull when you were around Harry.

But you never gave him the satisfaction of meeting his eye. You completely ignored him, as if he wasn’t there, as if you he was easily dismissible.

“Y/n.” He calls your name once he reached you, voice obviously trying to seem casual.

A noncommittal hum was your response, not bothering to look up from the book you had on your lap, still casually leaning against the wall, basking in the orange rays that hit you.

“Y/n.” His voice was softer this time, softer than you’ve ever heard before, making your head snap to his automatically.

In his arms were a bunch of your favorite sweets, you weren’t sure how he knew which you preferred. You raise your eyebrow in question.

“I know how you like to snack.” He mumbles, laying down the foods next to you, he rambles on. “I know you usually like to watch the sun go down by the black lake, but since it’s colder out i knew you’d be here. You were always the type that liked to snack a lot— i already said that, sorry...i brought your favorites.” He looked at you sheepishly.

You never seen him look so... shy. You were stumped, didn’t even know what to say. You just stared at the food next to you for a minute.

“Thanks,” You say slowly, still trying to process. “How did you know these were my favorites?”

He shrugged, half-heartedly. “I paid attention.”

You scoffed, that same bitter feeling washing over you for a second. “Honestly Malfoy, these attempts at getting at me are getting more pathetic each time.” You reused his words.

Regretting it immediately, when he flinched. Looking pained by it. You wanted to enjoy his pain, but nothing about it satisfied you, not anymore it seemed, not when he’s so clearly trying.

He gave you a washed-out smile, “I hope you enjoy them.” Then walked away, you listened till you could no longer hear his footsteps.

You were walking side by side with Harry, desperately trying to listen to the story he was telling you. His hands were whisking in the air, adding dramatics, and every so often he’d have to push his glasses up. You would usually find this amusing, but you were distracted.

Draco had been doing nice things for you all week. You were trying hard to hold this grudge you built, but with you each soft smile and saddened eyes he sent your way, your resolved crumbled.

The butterflies hesitantly coming out their cage.

And he did seem sorry, truly he did, you were so close to forgiving him. You don’t know what was holding you back anymore.

You met his eyes from across the corridor, his eyes softening once meeting yours, then hardening a second later when seeing who was next to you. Yet, he kept his path to you.

“May i talk to you?” He asked softly, not acknowledging Harry, who stopped his animated story.

You looked at the green eyed boy next to you, he took the hint and turned down the opposite corridor. “Yeah, sure.”

That familiar streak of hope flashes through his eyes as he led you down to the gardens to the bench that you loved to occupy.

“I wanted to say i’m sorry, again.” He said once you both were seated, your knees knocked against his when he turned his body towards you.

You nodded, signaling him to go on.

“It was wrong for me to treat you like that, to say those things.” He took a deep breath. “I was stupid, i took advantage of the best thing that ever happened to me. You were always so good to me, treating me with kindness that i didn’t deserve. Will never deserve.”

“Dra-“ He cut you off gently.

“No, just let me get this out first.” He placed his hand over yours timidly, when you didn’t pull away, he interlocked his fingers with yours. “You did things for me that no one else has ever done. I was flattered at first, when i first realized you liked me, i didn’t think you could ever like me. You’ve always been so beautiful, i never thought i would have a chance. But then i find out you liked me. I got the prettiest girl in Hogwarts to like me.” He shook his head, letting out a humorless laugh.

He continued on, “It got to my head obviously, i thought maybe if i shown my interest, you’d realize that i wasn’t as great as you thought me to be. It was so dumb of me, to act like i didn’t like you, i actually got myself to believe i didn’t.”

He moved closer to you, “I understand if you don’t forgive me, i don’t deserve it honestly. Fuck, i wouldn’t even forgive me. But, i would regret it if i didn’t at least try.”

He brought your interlocked hands closer to him, kissing the back of your hand, “So this is me, putting my heart out there, either for you to break or hold in your hands. Please forgive me and give me another chance, that i don’t deserve?”

You didn’t even know your eyes were tearing up until one slid down your cheek, before you could wipe it away, his thumb came up and did it for you.

You didn’t answer, you just placed your lips on his. Caressing his lips with your own, feverishly. Pouring out every emotion into him. He kissed you back with just the same passion. Bringing his hands to your face, caressing his thumbs on your flushing cheeks, tilting your head back as he controlled your lips. Bringing the kiss to a softer pace. Your hands played with the hair on his nape, until he pulled back.

“So, was that a yes?” He breathed a laugh, you could still see the vulnerability in his eyes.

“Yes, of course, you idiot.”

“Yeah?” He was smiling ear to ear.

“Yeah,” You kissed him breathless once more, then pulling back. “but first you have to get me another one of those bouquets.”

“Anything.” He states softly, placing his lips back on yours, as if he’s done it for years.

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