#im almost there im almost at a part to see him again

[tojikai]

Sundered (Alt. Ending): CRUSH

Pairing: Gojo x reader - Toji x reader (this part)

• Part 1  |  Part 2   | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10

Genre: Angst

tags/cw: angst, babydaddy!gojo, babymomma!reader, motherhood, insecurities, arguments

word count: 5.8k

a/n: here it is! (it's late, sorry. not proofread too😭) im forever grateful to you all who waited and supported the sundered series and for supporting my other stories too. i cant do much but this means so much. ily.

If you never talk to him again, he will miss you forever.

“Do I not deserve it?” You asked him, almost flinching at your words when you promised yourself you’d never ask anyone that. Toji sighed, taking both of your hands and bringing them to his lips. “Not this. You deserve more than this. You deserve to be genuinely happy without sacrificing anything, without feeling spent.”

Your brows furrowed, trying to contain another flood of tears threatening to overflow from your already swollen eyes. Why does it always have to be so hard when it's you? When it was Satoru who tried to move on, he did with Naomi. You wouldn’t say it was a breeze for them but you just know it was never this hard.

Naomi and Satoru stayed together for a year, being the family you couldn’t give your child. And now you, you couldn’t even make it work with Toji. Why do you always have to feel stuck? Why does he refuse to take your hand and pull you out of this void that is slowly sucking you down?

Along with these thoughts, you felt a squeeze in your hand. “Y/N?” Toji called, “Y/N, it’s gonna be alright.”  No, it’s not, you thought. The roof of your mouth tastes bitter against your tongue; so bitter that it burns. “It’s not. But it’s alright. I just don’t want you to feel burdened with this, alright?” You reached up to his face, eyes wandering.

“I’m sorry.” You felt selfish. You felt so selfish for not thinking about how this void of yours could pull him down with you instead of him pulling you up. You felt so selfish for wanting him to keep hurting just so you could feel safe. “I’m sorry I dragged you into this, I didn’t realize it would be this hard on you too.” Your throat feels tight all of a sudden.

You stepped away from him, sniffing as you wiped your tears away. You couldn’t remember what else he said, you couldn't remember how you ended up in that room alone, crying as you clutched your chest, blaming yourself for wearing out such a good man.

You couldn’t remember, or more like you chose not to carve into your memory how that day ended. The only image you can see in your head is how he cuddled you to sleep, woke you up to eat with him and the kids, and went home. You remember him saying that they could always visit. And you hated yourself for doubting him.

Now you smooth out the bed, rearranging the pillows and gaslighting yourself that you’ve been the only one sleeping on it all this time just so it wouldn't feel so unfamiliar. You changed the sheets and prayed you wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night, reaching for the man you love. 

And the fact that this wouldn’t be the first time that you would do so…

You remembered how you would wake up and break down at midnights during the first few months of your separation from Satoru, weeping as you ran to your daughter’s crib just to remind yourself to be stronger, locking your phone away to not call and embarrass yourself in front of him and his then-new girlfriend again.

You heard the sound of the video your daughter was watching as she sat on the bean bag in the corner of your room. “Mama, look it.” You heard her tiny footsteps tap the floor as she ran to you, holding the phone out. The screen flashed with Toji’s caller ID, “Thank you, baby.” You kissed her cheek as you picked her up to sit her on your lap. 

“Yeah?,” You answered, hearing a sigh from the other end. You pulled your toddler closer to you just as she started to move near the edge of the bed. You that your voice didn’t sound hoarse at all. You didn’t cry as hard as you did with Satoru, but it was painful enough that you had to pause some chores just so you could think of a solution to fix it. 

You doubted there was a fix and if there was, you felt like Toji would only be trying out of pity for you.

You’re tired of that. You don’t want people to feel sorry for you anymore. You feel like you’ve been nothing but pitiful every year of your life. Your dad gave up on you and your mother, your baby daddy gave up on your relationship with him and now you feel like you caused Toji to give up on you too. 

Your brows bumped together at the thoughts and you were quick to shake your head, hoping it would shed off the searing pain in your chest as well. You can't have self-pity when you have a child. You’re determined to be better for her. Your index finger found its place on your lips, listening to your ex’s voice.

“Just wanna know how you’re doing.” You wanted to laugh, not to mock him but because you don’t really know how to explain how you feel to him. You decided to answer it from the surface, “I am okay, surprisingly.” You sniffed, hearing a sigh from the other end of the line and a tiny laugh from Megumi, probably watching something on his iPad. 

You would say it’s too early for him to call you, but this whole breakup isn’t even like the normal ones. You broke up for each other's well-being. Not because you fought, not because one of you cheated, not because you just started to hate each other. You broke up wanting only the best for each other.

“I know this is for the best.” You wanted to help Toji feel better about this decision. You could tell that there was guilt on his part. He probably feels like what he did was just an inch kinder than Satoru’s way of leaving you. That would eat him inside. The last thing Toji wants to do is shatter all your progress.

“I don’t feel the best about it.” There was no hint of amusement in his chuckle, no trace of smile in his words. You don’t even know if he meant to say he feels bad for doing this to you. You don’t want to assume that he’s not doing better away from you because you’re pretty sure he’s more relaxed now that he doesn’t have to worry about his girlfriend thinking of someone even when she’s with him. 

“Please, don’t dwell on it. I, uh, I have thought things through and it’s… it’s just getting kind of lighter for me.” You blinked away each tear that came with the lies that are flowing out of your tongue. It’s not getting any lighter. If anything, the crushing weight is still continuously pressing down on you and you know any time soon, you might break down in this phone call.

“I don’t know if I can trust your words…” Aside from the fact that it has only been a day, Toji thought back on your last conversation before you broke up. He’s well-aware of your tendencies to push all of your feelings aside  because you blame yourself for the fall of your relationship. You would probably shoulder all of this again, like you did with your separation from Satoru.

Toji isn’t all clean here but he doesn’t know how to get that to you. You can be very stubborn when it comes to these things especially when it concerns your past. It’s an unhealed part of you and Toji can’t help but feel like your previous arguments, his words to 

you and how he made you feel contributed to it rather than alleviate it.

“Toji, this isn't good for me. For us,” You’re not talking about your relationship with him but it’s about him contacting you. “I know that we’re still good, we broke up to save each other,” you laughed half-heartedly, “Our kids are friends, of course, we can’t just throw that away, but for now…” You took a deep breath.

“For now, let’s give each other space. I’m not mad at you, I could never hate you but, Toji, this isn’t helping me at all.” The crack in your voice sent a blow to Toji’s heart, “I…I want to be able to talk to you, see you and visit Megumi with Yui without feeling the guilt of letting something so good slip away so, please...” You took a deep, painful breath.

“Let’s just give each other some space. Just until I have picked myself up again.” You covered your mouth, desperate to turn away from your child who’s been starting to glance at you. Toji’s silence felt like it could squeeze you, like a soundless bubble getting smaller and smaller around you. 

“I’m sorry. I…I shouldn’t have called.” Of course, you’re not fine, Is he out of his mind? The voices in Toji’s head knocked sense into him as he realized what he did. How could he be so insensitive? Is it because he knows of his crimes, the source of his guilt and how he didn’t think it would affect him as much as it does now?

Now, even this breakup feels selfish. How could he just decide to leave when you’ve been trying so hard? He’s not different from your baby daddy—running away when they couldn’t handle the pressure, leaving you to clean up after the mess. Toji closed his eyes tight, clearing his head, begging himself to say the right words and make the correct decisions.

“I—I’m still here for you always, alright? Take care, Y/N. Kiss Yui good night for me.” He spoke slowly, fighting the loss in the empty space he’s staring at, absorbing your soft hums and apology as he continued, “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry, baby. It took every fiber in his baby not to say it like that. For your sake. And for him. 

If you never talk to him again, he will miss you forever.

You put the phone down, feeling your daughter’s head on your chest as she stared up at you. Your mother once said that children do not understand these things yet but they feel their parents’ pain when it happens. And just like that, it’s almost as if your baby girl can read you. Her eyes says that she wants to help but doesn’t know how because she doesn’t eve understand it.

“Mama sad?” Her voice was small, it’s amazing that even at her age she knows how to try and soothe you. She knows that this is not the time to be playful without even knowing the situation. All she knows is that her mother is sad and crying. “No, mama’s just tired.” You smiled at her and for the first time she seems hesitant to reciprocate it.

“Mama sleep.” She got suddenly, bouncing her way to the spot next to you as she gets into a curled sleeping position. She’s a smart child. You laid down next to her, cuddling her small frame for as long as she can sit still but it wasn’t long before she was playing again, forgetting about it all. She’s still a baby after all. But this kid right here is the one who will always pull you out of the waters.

You wished that you could forget and get over this as quickly as this baby does, You wished it would all just fly out of your mind, that you could just throw up all of the pain out of your heart. You wished that you could just dust off the broken pieces of your relationship from your clothes, that you could scrub away the pain in the shower and watch it flow down the drain.

—————————-

“Look, I know Yui’s always been our priority but if you need a bit of time for yourself, you know you can leave Yui with me.” Satoru came earlier than expected. You can tell that he’s trying to stay inside the ‘boundaries’ as he struggled to find the right words to say about your breakup with Toji.

“You should take a break from work, if you think that’s what you need, I will-“ You placed a hand on his arm, stopping him. Satoru doesn’t want to seem like he’s taking advantage of the situation, that’s the last thing he wants to do. As painful as it is to admit it, he knows that you love Toji. 

“Thanks. But it’s alright. We’re good, we’re just…not dating anymore.” You forced out a laugh, trying to make it better than how it really is. It’s clear to Satoru that you’re having a hard time. He could see it in your face, your eyes. Satoru remembered those times when he would do anything just to avoid looking at you and seeing how badly he broke you.

He was heartless for letting himself make you feel like that. He was stupid for letting you feel like that. 

“Thanks. But it’s alright. We’re good, we’re just…not dating anymore.” You let out a laugh, retracting your hand away as you reached for the towel to wipe your daughter’s food-stained cheek. “Megumi and Yui still play together, I mean they’re besties now, right?” Yui giggled at the mention of her friend.

As much as Satoru wants to have another chance with you, he just doesn’t think he would deserve it just like that. Also, he doesn’t think he can see you like this everyday. Now he wants to talk to Toji. If it’s because of his interactions with you then Satoru himself would volunteer to give the big guy the assurance he wants. 

It would be painful for Satoru but to see you so dull makes him want to give up his fight. If he even has some. His friends, mostly Shoko, already told him that he already lost all his chances. “You’re not a cat. You don’t get nine lives in this Satoru.” She would say and Suguru would quickly add “You used to have nine lives, actually. But you’re a dead man to her now.” It was playful but depressing talk but valid but…sad.

It was everything but playful to Satoru, no matter how much his friends tried to lighten up the delivery, it still felt like playing darts with his heart. Because he knows how much truth those words hold. He would smile and shake his head. His friends are never the ones to sugarcoat shit. 

After saying goodbye to  Y/N with his baby girl, Satoru can’t help but feel curious about your breakup. He’s almost a hundred percent sure that it’s Toji’s decision because of how you are right now. He doubts that you’d be the one to break it off. You’re a fighter, he knows that. He hates that you have to deal with these cowards of men who only know how to break.

But of course, Toji’s more deserving than him. That’s the bitter truth. Toji left for your good, while Satoru…just gave up on you back then. He will regret it for the rest of his life if he doesn’t get you back. 

Get you back. He felt like a villain, hoping that you were the first to initiate the split. That would give Satoru so much hope. Thinking about why you did it (if you did), taunts him into assuming that maybe you still have something with him. But this isn’t right. No. Satoru should be better than this. Your happiness comes first. Even if it’s not with him.

Satoru swallowed the rushing mix of emotions that fogged his mind as he drives. It felt like swallowing needles, allowing them to go straight to his cracking heart. It’s almost impossible now, huh, to get you back? Even when you’re single again, it still feels impossible. Why is he even imagining it?

Shaking his head, he successfully parked his car, clapping his hands as he looked at Yui through the rearview mirror. “Let’s go now, my heart~” He sing-songed and the toddler eagerly reached up to him. “Tomorrow we go back to Mama, alright? She’s kinda sad, isn’t she? We gotta rescue that!” Yui cheered with him, despite not understanding what her father was saying.

Satoru knows that he can’t meddle with your relationship with Toji, no matter how much it bothers him. The least he can do is try to brighten your mood. Without any ulterior motives, of course. This is a vulnerable time for you. He doesn’t think he can stomach trying to get in through those cracks in your heart because of your failed relationship. 

It’s not the right thing to do and that’s not what a good person who truly cares would do. He can only support you, but he doesn’t plan on taking advantage of this situation. 

—-------------------------------------------------

3 months later

It’s a blessing to be a mother. It’s hard too. Especially, when your daughter won’t allow you to have a break from your ex for more than three months. “Mama!” She screamed at the top of her lungs for the hundredth time that morning. “I just took your bag, let’s go.” You wished you could’ve taken a picture of her, standing as she held the door of her room open.

“You’re so big now, baby.” Her birthday’s in a few months and you feel like crying because it felt like you just gave birth to her yesterday and now she’s turning three. Time is a thief. You wonder if so much has changed with Toji’s life too. You wouldn’t be shocked if he’s got a new girlfriend. After all, Satoru only took a few weeks to find someone new when you broke up.

That fucking stings. You told yourself and if you weren’t holding your daughter’s hand and her bag you would physically clutch your chest. The thought of being so replaceable has been a constant in your mind since Satoru and Naomi. 

And if it happens with Toji again, you’d probably just close the table for love.  You drove to the park, a meeting place you chose for the kids. You don’t want to be in Toji’s house. You don’t think you can handle that yet. 

You wondered if you’d be greeted by some new lady with him, like how Satoru received you with Naomi’s head on his chest. What if they play with the kids instead and leave you out of place during the whole play date? Or what if they leave you to watch the kids while they get some snacks, taking their time to play couple while you wait?

What if— A knock on your window broke off your train of thoughts as you took in your surroundings. That’s right. You’ve been driving and now you’re at the part. And now Toji’s shading his eyes, his hand arched over his brows as he tried to see through your windows. “Gumi!” Yui squealed, kicking in her car seat as Megumi waved from the outside. 

Toji was holding him in one hand as his bag hang loosely on Toji’s shoulder. You rolled the windows down, gulping your anxiety as you thanked the heavens that none of the scenarios in your head came true. 

“You spaced out.” He chuckled a bit awkwardly as he smiled at you. There’s something new about him. Did he really glow up after leaving you? You almost frowned but you gave him a laugh, trying to think of an excuse as to why you’re sitting absentmindedly in your car a few minutes before meeting with your ex and his child.

“I was trying to remember if I locked our door.” You laughed, gathering your things as you stepped out. “Can I hold that for you?” Toji offered as you opened Yui’s door. You thanked him softly, trying your best to seem relaxed. You don’t know if you should be glad or worried that he’s being so cool.

It could be because he doesn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or because he doesn’t really give two shits about your relationship with him that he doesn’t even feel uneasy meeting for the first time after you broke up. 

Or maybe because he’s already moved on to someone else, he just didn’t bring her with him because he’s a respectful man. You swore you heard a voice say it and it almost convinced you that it’s your brain that wants you dead. “Yui.” Megumi’s neck stretched as he looked over your shoulder for his best friend.

“Chill, man. Your long lost bestie will be free in a minute.” He still doesn’t fail to make you laugh. You put Yui down and watched the two kids adorably and messily hug. Now you’re glad that you taught them the importance of hugs. 

“It’s cute that they’re still comfortable with each other.” You commented, pulling at your clothes as you tried to distract yourself from checking your ex out. You’re thinking hard to figure out what changed with his look. Aside from his forehead showing as the wind played with his dark hair, 

“Let’s sit there, near the seesaw. They love that.” The kids were talking in a language only they understand, pointing at stuff before laughing as if it was the funniest thing they saw while to you, it looked like nothing. You would give everything to be a kid again. Just carefree and happy. But seeing your daughter makes you realize you wouldn’t have this any other way.

“How have you been?” He started as you sat down, hugging yourself as you looked ahead at the children. To be honest, you don’t know how to answer that. Do you tell him first that you miss him? Or do you tell him first that you got a clearer understanding of the holes in your relationship with him?

“I won’t deny that I missed you.” He chuckled leaning back. “But I did some reflecting.” He paused, glancing over to you, eyes traveling across your face. “A lot of reflecting actually.” He nodded, licking his lips. Right. That’s right, you thought, referring to his looks. Aside from his hair being longer, he looked…softer. You blinked away your thoughts, clearing your vision.

“I…I’m okay.” You don’t know how to tell him it could’ve been better if he was still with you. You wondered if your relationship problems would’ve been gone now if you didn’t break up. Would it have been better by now if you kept going? “I missed you, of course. But,” You laughed airily, “I’m getting better.”

You didn’t let your breakup with Toji affect you as a mother to Yui. But if you’re talking about yourself. You’re still trying. You have lived without Toji, of course, you can still keep going now. But your split felt like a crash from cloud nine. You’ve been so soaked with your happiness with him that when he left it felt like you were slowly getting drained and dry.

He walked you into a field of roses and when you returned to your old garden you realized how dull it was. Yui was your sunshine in those days under the dark clouds. She was a sunlight that went out of its way to bring a smile on your face. “It’ll get better.” You sighed, glancing at Toji and seeing the solemn look on his face. Does he feel sorry for you? Does he feel guilty for leaving so abruptly as your baby daddy did? Does he feel—

“It doesn’t feel any better for me at all.” Toji’s not one to hide the reality of his feelings from people he feels comfortable with. It melts your heart when you think about how he loosens up with you. It makes you feel special. Though, not special enough to fight for.

“It will. Soon.” You looked down. You know that it wasn’t his intention to make you feel as if you’re making him feel guilty for choosing his peace. But it still feels like it and you don’t know what to say anymore. I’m sorry? I’m sorry that you feel sorry for me? He nodded, smiling so softly. Charming, you thought. You feel sad for the people who don't get to see this. Yes, his smirk can make one feel things but this smile…

The day went by fast, Toji invited you to dinner since a restaurant was nearby but you politely declined. It’s not that you want to. It’s just that you have to. One thing that you learned from your heartbreak with Satoru is that the more that you see them, the deeper the shards cut. 

“My mom’s coming over for dinner. Maybe next time.” Your genuine smile contradicted the lie flowing out of your lips. It was so tempting when he looked like this, but you have to stand your ground. Next time. The two words reverberated inside Toji’s head and that was enough to push aside the disappointment he felt when you declined. 

“That’s alright. There’s always a next time.” It sounded as if he was reassuring himself, emphasizing that you’re fine with meeting him and Megumi again next time. This is enough for now. After all, he still has to reflect on a couple of things regarding your breakup. But everything always seems to be pointing him back to you. 

—————————

“Just call me when you’re ready to go, and I’ll pick you up.” Satoru’s words before he left you and Yui earlier started to get twisted inside Toji’s head. Now that Toji has let you go, Satoru’s just waiting for your go signal so he can pick you up again. He swallowed dryly, faking a smile when you looked back at him, laughing at whatever the kids did that he didn’t see.

Time flew by fast but that image of you leaning towards Satoru so that he could give his daughter a kiss as he said that to you has been stuck in Toji’s head all day. The kids were drinking juice with small towels around their shoulders. “I can, uh, I can just drive you home, you know? I mean, so that Satoru wouldn’t have to drive all the way here again.” He suggested, wiping off some of the water droplets in his son’s body.

“It’s alright, he’s already on his way anyway and he owes Yui a kitty cake that they didn’t get to buy last time.” You smiled at him, before asking to leave to give Yui a quick warm shower. Toji would’ve wanted to chat a bit more with you. Just spend more time with you. He couldn’t ask for so much of it now. It felt like it would be too much of an imposition for him to do so. 

After a couple of minutes, the doorbell rang and he placed Megumi on one of the rugs, reminding him to stay there so he won’t slip. He sighed, running to his gate, knowing that it would be Satoru and of course, since you’re still getting Yui ready, the polite thing to do is to let him sit and maybe, entertain your baby daddy a bit.

“Oh, come on in. She’s just getting Yui ready.” His voice was almost monotonous, the nod of his head was another way to be a bit more ‘friendly’ to the guy. “You a fan of iced tea?” Toji cleared his throat with Satoru following behind him. Megumi was still on the rug, staring off into space. Toji can’t help but laugh when Satoru waved a hand at his face.

“Yui Dad.” He looked up, waving his small hand despite the blank look on his face. “He really looks like you.” Satoru commented, “Except his hair.” Toji placed a pitcher on the counter, pouring a glass for the man, something he didn’t think he would ever do. “I’m glad you and Y/N are doing better,” Toji spoke after a couple of minutes of silence. 

“Yeah,” Satoru nodded, holding Megumi’s hand as he tried to walk towards Toji. “We’re getting more used to this co-parenting thing. Figured out it was healthier for all of us when we’re not constantly arguing about something.” Toji doesn’t know if it’s right to say it but it already came out of his mouth before he realized it.

“The both of you single made it better, eh?” He didn’t mean it to start something with Satoru again, it’s just that that is the first thing that popped up in his head when he heard him. “Yes and No.” Satoru answered before he could even back it up with something lighthearted. “Me being single, yes. Because Naomi was basically a wedge, one cause of the problems that used to arise between us. And no, because no problem arises directly from you regarding those arguments.” He shrugged, taking a sip before continuing. 

“Actually, I don’t even know why you broke up with her, if I’m going to be frank I trusted you with my family already, why did you even left her?” He’s saying a lot more now than before. Definitely a healthier man. And he seems like he’s back to his real self now. Toji might even assume he’s drunk if only you didn’t mention that he doesn’t handle liquor well.

“I’m not trying to guilt-trip you, alright? I want you to love her because you truly love her, but come on, man, there’s no threat.” Yui definitely takes after her father. Very talkative, Toji thought. Inhaling, he gathered his thoughts and which aspect of what Satoru has said he should focus on, “I don’t know.” Was his short answer. 

“I mean… I was worried. I don’t know if she’s really over you. I don’t want her to keep hurting by my side.” It was quiet. Satoru didn’t speak, allowing Toji to continue. “Plus, I fear that she will forever feel like she just comes second to my wife. To be honest, I feel that with her too. With you being her first.” Toji felt surprised at his honesty. He just hopes that you won’t overhear this.

“You’re the present. I’m her past.” It felt bitter for Satoru to say, “I’m starting to accept that now. I’m just contented that I can be with my daughter and that I take care of them even from the sidelines.” 

But Satoru would forever wish it didn't have to be like that. 

“I’m not playing matchmaker. I just want what’s best for her. Even if it’s not me, Toji.” He stood up, sighing as he heard footsteps coming closer. You came in struggling to carry a barefoot, laughing little girl, a towel and her bag. “Dada!” She screamed with a smile as she tries to get away from you. “You’ll slip!” You warned her and Satoru quickly went closer to take her in his arms. 

Toji sat there for a minute more, processing the man’s words. The best for you. If he’s going to ask Satoru about it, he’d say that if he has to pick someone for Y/N, Toji will be a top candidate. Aside from the fact that he’s a good man who truly cares for her, he also easily understands your situation because he has a child of his own too.

It’s safe to say that right now, you’re the only man that Satoru feels is safe to leave his daughter and baby momma with. His past mistakes and horrible decisions put him in this place and the least that he could do to make it all up to you is support you and whatever makes you happy as long as it’s good for you and his child.

“We’ll be going now, thank you, Toji.” Only then has Toji realize that he’s been staring at the three of you now and his baby boy who’s trying to hug Yui as her father puts on her shoes. “Uh, yeah. Let me walk you guys out.” He licked his lips, blinking fast as he tried to snap himself back to reality. “Come on, Megs. After this, you take a bath, alright?” He picked him up, wrapping a towel around his body.

“Come again. Please.” Satoru laughed as the little boy waved, probably worried that it would take months for his little friend to come over again. “She’ll be back soon, bro. Chill.” That’s wild, Toji thought, He just called my son ‘bro’. Before you could even get on the other side of the car, Toji has made up his mind. “Uhm, Y/N.” You looked up at him, for some reason, eyes shining with what seemed to be…hope.

“Can we come over sometime?” Megumi’s little cheer made your smile wider, nodding at them, “Of course..” You felt like a teen, worried that you answered too quickly, “Anything for that ‘gumi smile.” You played it off cool but kept your eyes on Toji the whole time. 

You didn’t hear anything about what he and Satoru talked about. But it was nice to know that they’re starting to get along. Inside, Satoru was fixing his daughter’s things, somehow glad that he couldn’t hear whatever the of two of you were talking about because no matter how happy he is for you, he’d always break into smaller pieces each time he saw you smile and look at Toji like that.

He knows. Because you used to look at him like that. 

Albeit, crossed with pain and longing, you used to look at him with so much love. Overflowing. And then, along with the tears he caused. It felt like acid in his stomach, threatening to spill out of his mouth whenever he thought of what you went through because of him. But now you’re happy. 

He didn’t know that love would show him that some people are worth being pulverized for.  

The car door opened just as he pretended to find something inside the glove compartment and he swallowed the pang in his chest at the glow on your face. “Gumi, babye! Gumi, babye!” His child screams behind him, waving her hands back at her playmate. “You ready to go?” He asked you and you hummed, glee evident even in the small sound. 

With that, the two of you waved at Toji and Megumi, pulling out of their driveway. You smiled at the shared nods between Toji and Satoru before speeding down the road to the bakery where Satoru usually buy Yui’s cakes. Your mind kept going back to Toji. Maybe you’re being delusional but you can’t help but feel like he had to gather the courage to ask you that very last-minute question. 

He feels like a…high school crush. 

And maybe he’s being a high school crush because a week later, he shows up at your doorstep dressed like a heartthrob with a kid in oversized sunglasses and a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

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taglist: @forever-war @astral-hydromancy @witchbybirth @starshinedowo @coffee-on-a-rainyautumn @lost-lonnie @haitanifxn @dearsunaa @clairdelunaax @anxious-chick @tigerchaeee @gingerspicelattemix @tsukkisrightpinky @crowiechan @makimais @infinitemoonlight @iloveblogging2 @cloudsinthecosmos @uchiwife @bellaadonnas @lawlietily @lilxnvm @poopoobuttsy @yihona-san06 @luhvbot @sagekko @asbony @uhremmi

@kurookinnie @why-am-i-here-again-shitheads @galaxyfever @guenievresworld @y2kcy3brz @chocokaylarobin @hopeannalea @shizuuuuuuuu @tojirin @teapartyspilled @ackermendick @shadowarchon @vinkiesz @awkwardaardvarkforever @nvvacanesworld @wolffmaiden @underburningstars @rntrsuna @vampgguk @doulcha @creolequeen11210 @reosnagi

#angst #gojo satoru #gojo x reader #gojo angst #gojo x you #gojo satoru angst #gojo satoru x you #gojo satoru x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen angst #jjk #jjk x reader

[ihave-atummyache]

pretty when u cry

Kim Seungmin One Shot

summary: you’re just as bad as him, if not worse. he just didn’t realize it

NSFW!!!! 18++ contains smut!

2.2k words

TOXIC TOXIC TOXIC IM SORRY I CANT STOP

this is purely inspire by that one clip of seungmin crying at a concert and he looked so pretty and he had on that cute little hat. i hope u guys know what im talking abt. he looked so pretty i just kendjskslsmd

also this may or may not be based on. a true story of my life😔

"You're still fucking him?" Your best friend's voice is laced with surprise and you can't help the chuckle that falls from your lips.

"I am. I can't help it! He's just too cute," you look up from your phone to your friend who just shakes her head.

"Aren't you fucking his roommate?"

"Psh," you wave your hand dismissively before locking your phone and placing it face down on the table, "What he doesn't know won't hurt him," you close your eyes and let your head fall back onto the back of the couch.

"Besides, I like to imagine I'm his karma for the way that he treated all these girls, y'know?" you chuckle again and your friend joins in on the laughs.

"But the real question is, who's the better fuck?" you let your best friend's words float through the air for a little before you answer.

"Kim Seungmin, no questions. Jeongin is just... gentle. He's a lover and you can tell. Seungmin fucks and that's all I'm asking for, honestly. You can definitely tell he has the experience," You open your eyes and nudge your best friends's ribs, "Maybe you should take him for a ride. You know, dust those cobwebs off and get some play," you tease your friend and she lets out a loud laugh.

"Unfortunately, he isn't really my type. His friend however..." she trails off and you roll your eyes. Her crush just seems to be evolving more and more.

"Just tell Minho you want to fuck. I'm starting to get sexually frustrated on your behalf," you deadpan but before she can reply, your phone vibrates on the table and you flip it over, a text from Seungmin lighting up the screen.

KSM: u busy?

"Welp," you slap your hands on both of your knees and stand, "Duty calls, bestie. You can either stay and get traumatized for life or you can head home-"

"I never want to hear you have sex again,” she pauses dramatically, placing a hand over her chest, and sliding her jacket on, “I will never be the same," she replies, a disgusted look on her face, before she stands and grabs her bag.

"Text Minho. You have one less roommate to worry about interrupting you two finally breaking this crazy sexual tension," you tease and she rolls her eyes before you both say your goodbyes and she slips out the door. You unlock your phone as you lock the front door.

no. come over?

He reads the message almost instantly and you chuckle to yourself before rushing toward your bedroom.

KSM: already on the way, princess.

You smile at the nickname before typing a quick response and then hopping into the shower.

taking a shower. let yourself in

A few minutes into your shower, you hear your front door open and shut and the footsteps that you have learned to quickly recognize. The bathroom door opens and shuts gently. You open your eyes and turn your head to the side, making out the silhouette of Seungmin through the glass door.

You can see him removing his clothes before the shower door slides open, revealing him in all his lean glory. Despite him being a bit thinner, he muscles are extremely defined and he's obviously packing (as most skinny men are).

"Boo." he jokes, pretending to scare you, and steps into the shower in front of you.

"Ah, so scary," you reply sarcastically, pulling your fingers from your wet hair to wrap around his neck. His arms automatically wrap around your waist, pulling your chest flush to his.

He leans in and closes the distance between you two, the moisture from your lips transferring to his and you quickly part your lips, letting his tongue into your mouth.

He parts from the kiss, his lips trailing down your wet neck. He knows exactly where to kiss, bite, and suck to have you writhing but he also manages to never leave a mark.

Your head falls back, the water from the shower trickling onto your face as you watch into his touch. Seungmin pushes you against the wall so his body is under the stream instead before disconnecting from your neck and looking you in the eyes again.

"You're no good for me," Seungmin's voice is husky and his hand trails up your body before it reaches your chin then he places his fingertips gently against your lips, pulling them apart before he dips his middle and ring finger into your mouth, pushing against your tongue.

"I don't know why I want you so bad," he murmurs as you lock eyes with him. He pulls his fingers from your mouth before letting them trail down your body and he presses against your clit, gently rubbing the nerves.

He knows exactly how to get you worked up and have you teetering on the edge of an orgasm and never lets you forget it. He truly knows your body like the back of his hand.

The sound of a phone ringing echoes through the bathroom but neither of you care as you squeeze your eyes shut. Suddenly he grabs one of your thighs, hiking your leg up with his free hand before plunging two fingers into you.

"Fuck, Minnie," you moan out and he chuckles at the irony of the cute nickname despite the position you're in right now.

"That's right, princess. I'm making you feel so good. I know exactly how to touch you, better than anyone else," his voice is croaky as his finger speed up inside of you.

"F-fuck me. Seungmin, please. Fuck me," you start babbling and it doesn't take more than that for his control to snap. He pulls his fingers out of you and turns you around, pushing your chest against the cold shower tiles.

You let out a gasp at the cold against your warm skin and then another when you feel the head of his cock prodding at your entrance. He pushes in completely in one motion and your knees buckle inwards at the intrusion.

The burn feels so good and you can't stop the squeal that leaves your lips as he starts to pound into you. He doesn't give you any time to adjust before he is absolutely ruining your pussy.

The sound of a phone ringing echoes through the bathroom again and he groans out in frustration at the noise. It's obscuring your pretty moans and it's starting to piss him off.

"Who keeps fucking calling you?" his voice is filled with annoyance as his fingers dig harder into your hips. One of his hands gently trails up your back, making goosebumps rise across your spine before he grips your shoulder, pulling you slightly off the wall.

He has full control of your body and you honestly don’t mind at the moment. When his hand unexpectedly meets your ass, with a loud slap. Your eyes snap open and you let out an obscene noise, your moans and the sound of your skin meeting echoes through the shower.

“I asked you something. Who keeps calling you? Any guesses?” he keeps pounding into you and you shake your head as your orgasm approaches much faster than anticipated.

“T-touch me. I’m gonna c-cum,” you beg and demand in the same breath and he chuckles behind you, his hand reaching around your hip and rubbing at your clit, exactly how you like it.

“Then cum, slut. I’m not stopping you,” his voice is loud, demanding your attention but just as you clench around him, he stills.

“…or maybe I am. Can you tell me who you think is calling you back to back?” his voice is in your ear now, pushing his cock deeper into you and the denial of your orgasm sends tears down your face.

“I-I don’t know. M-maybe my best friend? Sh-she just left. She might’ve left something. I don’t know…” you trail off when he starts to fuck into you again and rub at your clit.

“I’ll let you keep thinking of who it could be while you cum,” he sounds annoyed that the two of you were interrupted until it finally dawns on you.

You were supposed to meet with Jeongin tonight…

That’s probably who keeps calling you. Before you can truly process the information, you’re crashing over the edge of your orgasm, mind going blank as you moan out.

“Fuck, Jeongin,” it leaves your mouth and honestly, you don’t even realize it.

But Seungmin does. Seungmin hears the name of his best friend leave your lips while he’s balls deep in you and he immediately stops.He pulls out of you and much to your surprise steps out of the shower.

As your fuzzy brain begins to clear you start to get confused. Did he cum? You reach behind you and touch the skin of your lower back but you don’t feel any evidence of him finishing. Just to be safe, you push a finger into yourself before pulling it out. He didn’t accidentally cum in you. What the hell?

He also isn’t usually one to just let you come down from the clouds by yourself. He usually helps you relax and some how convinces you to go another round every time.

“Seungmin?” you call out and reach forward, shutting off the shower. You look out the glass door that he left open and you see him leaning against the sink, eyes focused down, a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Seungmin? What’s wrong?” You grab the towel from beside the shower and wrap it around your body. You reach forward and he physically recoils from your touch when your fingertips graze his arm.

“Unlock your phone.” he demands and you blink at him a few times, taken aback at his unexpected tone. You cross your arms over your chest and glance down at your phone on the counter.

“No. What’s gotten into you?” you reach for your phone but he grabs it before you can get to it and taps the screen before turning it towards you.

4 missed calls and 6 unread messages.

“So? We both heard it ringing. Why is it a big deal?” you try to defend yourself and reach for your phone but your legs are still wobbly from the sex the two of you just had and he’s much quicker than you, walking out of the bathroom.

You follow him into your bedroom as he stands in the middle, staring down at your locked phone.

“Who is ‘J’?” Oh. He wasn’t upset about the amount of texts and calls, he was upset about who he thought it was. You gulp, you knew this would come eventually but you have not prepared yourself for this.

“It doesn’t matter,” you reply, walking towards your dresser and pulling out a pair of sleep shorts and an old oversized shirt, “Besides, it’s not like it has anything to do with you,” you shrug, pulling the shirt over your head.

“It does fucking matter when it’s my best friend, y/n. I’m not fucking playing with you right now. Is this Jeongin?” His voice raises at you and you freeze. He isn’t yelling but it’s a much louder tone than you have ever heard from him.

“Seungmin I-”

“You just moaned his name while I was fucking you. Do you even realize that?” He closes the gap between you, shoving your phone into your chest before turning around and running his hand through his damp hair.

“What the fuck. What the fuck. What. The. Fuck,” he groans out before he slams his hand down on your vanity, making all your makeup fall over and making you jump.

Oh.

Oh, you fucked up this time.

“Why am I so fucking stupid?” he turns towards you agains and thats when you see it, his eyes are glassed over as they lock onto yours. Is he about to cry?

“I thought I could fucking change you, y/n. I thought…” he pauses, gulping, before continuing, “I thought that you could catch the same feelings for me that I have for you. How could I be so fucking clueless?” His voice cracks and the first tear rolls down his cheek before he turns away from you and sits on the edge of your bed, his head in his hands.

You slowly walk towards him, standing between his open legs and prying his hands from his face. You gently grasp his chin, tilting his face up to look at you.

Fuck.

He looks so fucking pretty.

The tears on his face, his red nose and lips, his glassy eyes and that look on his face. In this moment, you’ve never seen someone who looks more like a puppy.

“You’re so fucking pretty,” you whisper out and his puppy dog eyes seem to just get bigger at your words. You place one leg on either side of his thighs, straddling him. You let your hands trail down his still bare chest.

“So pretty…” you whisper again before leaning in and pressing your lips against his and he immediately kisses you back.

How did you manage to make the biggest player that you’ve ever met fall for you? How did you beat him at his own game? How do you have him wrapped around your little finger?

#skz #skz fanfic #skz fluff #skz imagines #skz smut #skz seungmin #seungmin oneshot #kim seungmin imagines #seungmin imagines #stray kids seungmin #seungminnie #seungmin #kim seungmin #ksm #skz kim seungmin #stray kids headcanons #stray kids one shot #stray kids smut #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #stray kids #skz ksm #stray kids kim seungmin #stray kids seungminnie #skz changbin #skz felix #skz hyunjin #skz jeongin #skz minho #skz scenarios

[theflyingkipper]

a short crappy essay about emily

The writing of girl characters in TTTE genuinely infuriates me. There’s a lot of girl characters who were done absolutely dirty, but it always comes back to Emily for me.

Emily had agency and attitude and purpose in S8-12 and it was erased in favor of a “hi. I’m nice. Im the girl character” nothing one-note personality. What do we know about post HiT era Emily? (And honestly, S7 Emily too. Her introduction is kind of weak in my opinion). She wants to help out. She’s safety oriented. She’s… I don’t know. You could replace her with Rosie or Rebecca or whoever in the cgi episodes where she’s driving the story, and nothing would change. I can’t name any major differences between Emily post-rewrite and Rosie in her entire tenure. Aside from how they’re introduced to Thomas and interact with him, really… which sucks. They don’t have major differences in characterizations outside interacting with a male lead. 

AND the worst part is that there are moments where you can SEE they were crafting bold, interesting girl characters and they were either completely sanitized or forgotten about. Molly has a very particular basis. It's not a flashy type where the engine’s basis is the center of the character’s entire personality/marketing/etc (Mighty Mac and Hank come to mind). It feels clear to me that Molly was going to be more important. And then… she wasn’t. She appeared like 3 times, said nearly nothing and never appeared again. I wish I lived in a world where Emily kept her bossy personality and had this contrasted by Molly’s shyness and timidity. 

In my perfect world, Emily is bossy and important, and has some complexes about not needing help or knowing more than others. She’s intelligent and rambunctious, feeling like she’s made for more than the fast express duties that she was designed for. She wants to be involved and get dirty. (Which is a sentiment that I think a lot of young girls can relate to!) Maybe this causes other engines to view her as childish, but we know it's because even if she’s an old design- she has youthful zeal. I think that's a compelling personality and character to make from a Stirling Single, rather than just making another “old wise sage” character (we’ve got plenty of those and in different flavors!) An old engine that's hard to register as “old” at all, though not like Edward, she reads like this because she’s childish and immature- Someone immature, but in a distinct flavor of immature than Percy or Gordon. This Emily has so much room to bounce off other characters, and she does. The way she acts in Respect for Gordon comes to mind. Emily’s bossiness brings a much needed shakeup to the monotony of seasons 8-12. 

In addition, big, snooty, important characters are a staple of TTTE, but it's an archetype almost exclusively reserved for male characters. You could make an argument that Daisy and Elizabeth support these, but I think they’re different (or underdeveloped) enough not to fit this. Emily is the exception here. I think it's why she’s remembered so well as the female TTTE character that immediately comes to mind. Emily could be great, and she was great. 

#the promised rant #theres a lot more i wanted to say but i needed to keep this on track #ttte emily #thomas the tank engine #kips cant shut up

[thelovelesswanderer]

just came here to say i'm an ungodly amount of excited to see my boy (rufus) again

#im almost there im almost at a part to see him again #my ruclo fic ive been working on since 2021 starts with them meeting in junon #so like i swear if there's any rufus flirting in junon in gonna LOSE my whole mind #or any parallels i accidentally predicted early. time will tell

[skitskatdacat63]

2009 Belgian Grand Prix - Kimi Räikönnen(ft. Giancarlo Fisichella & Sebastian Vettel)

#2009 kimi is so 😳 with his long hair #my fav part about kimi podiums is how much champagne he drinks compared to other drivers hahaha #everyone else mostly sprays it but he always keep slugging it #i dont know why i keep making these at 6 am when i dont have any thought processes as well as being sick! i cant write meaningful tags #nevertheless aahahhhhhh i love 2009!!! its so sick how balanced it is #like how tf did a force india get pole and nearly win???? sick #im still dying over the lap one DNF where 4 cars were taken out in one fell swoop it was almost comedic #it feels so nice to see fisi again!!! i missed him since 2005...shame nando isnt on the podium w him bcs i miss my renault boys #but heyyyyyy simi podium!!! i love how kimi is just trying to drink and seb sprays him #kimi räikkönen #kimi raikkonen #sebastian vettel #sv5 #giancarlo fisichella #f1 #formula 1 #formula one #we do a little bit of f1 #2009 belgian gp #2009 belgian grand prix

[girlcrushau]

#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/ #but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to. #until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you) #and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text. #i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in. #just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me. #im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest. #and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

[bluest-planet]

Smth smth theres a lot of readings for found family in kh, and found family doesn't necessarily mean seeing each other as familial but its interesting how Vanitas is the only character to actively 'seek' out an explicit familial connection in his 'brothers' who never reciprocate that sentiment and later 'dies' as almost a narrative punishment for trying to obtain it.

Which is to say, what did family mean to him and where he got the idea of brothers in the first place like that. And how his perception of family must be incredibly warped.

#do i dare tag him? yes #kh #kh vanitas #i struggle to call this analysis but ill come back to it (maybe) to elaborate #like obviously im not saying boohoo vanitas but like. does he view family as the only sure fire connection and tether to another person. #a forcefully connection they cant break and leave him bc its by 'blood' and therefore permanent? #at some point its was to have a layer of separation between he and ventus but at the same time to say that theyre bound by the same tether #similar how family is like: you can change who you share your blood with #so its both tragic and toxic #while also interesting bc he also just wants to destroy Ventus/amas him back to be his own full person again against his wishes #and disregard Ventus is personhood almost like a family member trying to live vicariously through another #or their own achievements as their own #and Yeah he shares a face with sora and is slightly connected due to sora protecting Ven #BUT its not nearly the same with Ven and Vanitas could have easily disregarded their connection since they just share a face #but NAH he made that another 'blood' connection and took it seeing the chance at another connection #also what was he gonna do to sora is he did merge with Ven? #bc yeah he follows Xehanort but id imagine he'd be able to keep Sora around?? or like again. Sora would be his only 'forced to stay' bond #and probably wouldn't immediately attsck him bc hes bound to that same 'familial' connection #GOD i wish he was less toxic about it lol bc its so sad to thing Vanitas #held onto the part of Ven that wanted to be accepted and loved unconditionally #but hes not the 'ideal' version so no one would stick around so he's like: “okay ill MAKE you stay” #blue speaks

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

having a category 12 "thought about william wisp for too long" moment

#that last scene in 40 . got me fucked up so bad. motherfucker. aauagahaghhhhrrghgh. #idk if its the paranoia anxiety of animal sounds in my ceiling again finally catching up to me but im srs like. #almost starting 2 cry right now and im not even LISTENING to the episode. #thought abojt david kaufman again. fuck . part of me is like god i need 2 go listen to his lines again but the other part of me is like. #no mac you have work jn the morning and youre ALREADY not gonna grt enough sleep due to the fucking animals in your ceiling. #head in hands. we need 2 dismantle capitalist society so i can spend the next 24 hours fucking weeping over william wisp. #then maybe ill get my thoughts in order enough to actually write about him #having soioooooo many blood and gore thoughts about [redacted for spoilers] . i havent seen ANY art of it #except one like. vague abstract thing. whcih was awesome dont get me wrong. but i want 2 see something visceral. #and im not good enough at blood and gore to do it myself . plus ive burnt myself out so hard on the painting projects. #and im still not DONE with them #ughhhghgh. anyway. on 24/7 wiwi lockdown ovwr here

[arolesbianism]

I need agent 4 to appear in side order soooo badly I do not care in what context I just need to put Jim and Mark in the same room please please I'm desperate

#rat rambles #oc posting #splat posting #an agent 4 boss fight could be fun but tbh idrc if theyre a major part of anything I just want them to appear somewhere there #as far as my orbo blorbos tho a boss fight could be soooo juicy #mark and jim only met after their seperate rock bottoms and during their recovery arcs #so the idea of seeing them be put into a low neither of them have faced in years delights me #either way I will be having big boy thoughts abt then once side order comes out #since even if 4 doesnt appear in side order Im forcing jim in there one way or another lol #their t4t cringe is real <3 #bro mark is going to be so pissed off abt being in a damn building again until dedfish shows up then hes going to be all for this adventure #just him staring with big wet eyes as they say some basic tutorial shit like they just said the most earthshattering thing ever #hes also glad to have pearl with him even if the two bitch at eachother a lot #hes also low key glad marina isn't there but like guiltily so #if jim is anywhere in there shes having a panic attack over not being able to contact marie #jim would ofc be freaking out over mark too but marie is like The most important person to them #thats their sister and best friend and also the person who saved their life both figuratively and literally #they would almost certainly not be alive if they never met marie and if they were theyd be in a horrible place on every level #marie was also the first person jim ever grew to truly trust so basically yeah she means the world to them #mark is super important to her too of course but she doesnt rely on him in the same way as she does on marie #mark I assume will have no reason to assume jim is there too but theres no way to know for sure so Ill not dwell on that too much #but mark is generally less prone to panic than jim mostly due to their childhood environments and stuff #so while he'll definitely worry abt jim itd be more him missing her and hoping shes not freaking out too hard than panic #in a way itd almost be exciting to him to maybe get a chance to do actual agent work with jim #like I said they only met post their seperate shitstorms so they didn't even know they were both agents until jim introduced mark to marie #well more like introduced mark to marie as a way to say this one is good be nicies to him #well more so this one is mine Im the only one allowed to bully him but you can pick on him too once he likes you enough #mark is just sitting there like holy shit what the fuck why is she here what do you fucking mean shes that sister you always talk abt #not a day goes by where hes not forced to confront one of his ex crushes fkfndkdb #poor little straight boy all his ex crushes and his current girlfriend keep making him do fortinte dances

[getreadytosmash]

Sometimes there's just lids on things u don't wanna open

#the queen of smash (mun) #idk its dumb and stupid but ever since i've been playing more visual dating sims #i just get these days where i feel like....nothing???? #like. not a girl just a body this compile of personhood #and like idk maybe its cause visual sims lets you have so much cleaner interaction with selfhood and gender #compared to irl where i live in a country where HRT is smth thats difficult to comeby so overall ALL of it feels messy #demigirl works out fine enough for me but idk i just. somedays i feel LESS like a girl and more. nothing #i dont fully like it because it just feels like im faking it?? jumping on a bandwagon??? #almost half of the friends i've made or have on tumblr pretty much went down a pipeline of afab to they/them to he/him or he/they #with more masc learning and terms #and idk if i'd go THAT far??? I don't mind being called he/him but it's not my full go to i don't think??? #but idk it feels. selfish. like im pretending. idk if i like the idea of being they/them ALL the time i like she/her enough #im just. (huffsssss) my parents have always been open that they expected me to become a dyke lesbian or trans because i was a big tomboy #so maybe a part of me feels like i'm playing into these expectations and i feel so sick at the idea. even tho ANYthing of my pronouns. #would stay online #idk idk i guess after being always she/her i'm...vaguely curious to see how i feel with they/them but again. pretender stuff. #maybe i don't feel it properly like everyone else does #im just this sack of flesh filled with nothing good but what others have #i don't FEEL enby enough to be one #but idk if demigirl fully suits me AS much now #oughhhhhhhhhhhhh

[kennys-parka-jacket]

alright, gonna get something off my chest. Then i'll watch Youre Getting Burgers

#You know those trailers that played right before the movie? #I remember seeing those in the theater IRL.The first film was Jack And Jill and the second was Alvin And The Chipmunks #(I could be wrong; but i am ALMOST CERTAIN that's which movies they are) #When i saw those in the theater i was just a few years younger than stan is #And i was about stan's age when i started to become just like him #Like him i started to dislike stuff fir people my age. Then i suspected i was 'mature'. But turns out i wasnt that either #There was no apparent cause. I just didnt get joy out of anything anymore #And it ruined my ability to have friends. But i could stil get out of bed and go to school so it took me longer to realize things werent ok #And when i finally had friends again i spent a while struggling with addiction and needed it in order to be social #I wish i had seen YGO+AB much sooner. But knowing me; i still wouldnt have figured out i had a problem #I hate that i'll never get this part of my life back. I missed out on so much when i was young #Just because i was too depressed and cynical to do anything but go to school then go to my room and not talk to anyone #Well. Im doing better now than i was before. And thats what matters #Now lets watch stan go through the same thing

[lesbiten]

day of the doctor was doomed the moment they didnt get christopher eccleston back in as the ninth doctor

#now i respect ce's decision to cut almost all ties from dr who i respect that decision ENTIRELY #good for him literally #but also how did moffat think he was gonna write a good multi doctor special without him. i want to know #god its missing nine hours #im glad ce's doing some big finish audios a part of me does want to see him on screen again but if he doesnt want to thats his business!!! #ill jsut keep rewatching s1 until the mental illness goes away #simon says

[endbeginning]

and if i said.... pet.er peve.nsie.....

#i have never read the books but ive just watched the first 2 narnia movies #it was def my first time seeing prince caspian idk ab the other narnia i probs watched it as a kid #but he..... he is calling me #mr doomed blonde twink who makes poor choices but is doing his best....... welcome back all my muses #i was gonna say welcome back kurt but... tate... levi.... probably more #ive never been. Good at writing fantasy im not great w anything that requires lore #hes just. oh hes calling to me #and the. specifically the pains of living a life in narnia and being king and then having to go back to the real world and be Just A Kid #idk if hes in the third movie im ab to watch it now but the bitter sweet end of 2 where he says hes leaving narnia and he wont be coming ba #and aslan says its bc he has nothing more to learn from it like..... kinda heartbreaking and would destroy u as a person #a world where ur king and u do everything u can to make the right choices but u dont do things really right and u get people killed #and yeah narnia prevails but it doesnt prevail bc of u. its in part bc of u but ur decision cost lives it risked a lot #and then its like. well ur leaving now and thats it bc it taught u what u needed to learn #and like maybe it did but he had no chance at redemption at fixing things there like his redemption was to leave it to someone more capable #and then he has to just like. go be a person. and live a normal life #like thats wild #im gonna go watch the third movie if u have read the books sound off on if u think i should based entirely on my little rant ab peter #the issue here tho. is if i made him. u see. two muses named peter on this blog... both with a last name starting w p.... its almost like. #its almost like one would have to be a solo blog #'but quin ur literally never here anyway' but what if for a hyperfixation muse i was here #this post started w the intent of 'narnia peter solo blog' but now... i am thinking perhaps spider peter would be a better solo bc of his. #bc of the fixation i have #however he intimidates me a Lot as a solo blog bc hes such a. everyone knows him u know hes a Big muse and i fear the pressure of that #then again narnia i think is big too? and theres the talks of the new movies so thats also potentially big muse #its crazy bc i have sososo much muse for every muse i have but my brain is saying abandon this blog and make both peters solos #and i Cant do that #but at the same time................................ #my issue has always been too many blogs and being stretched too thin but also. w all due respect. who cares #like i am here to have fun and most of the time my blogs dont last bc no one writes w me not bc i dont want those muses #and yeah theres no guarantee making a new blog would change that but idk. kinda vibe w the idea of starting new

[sensitivegoblin]

Is there anyone religious in the kink space?

I'm a Christian and I need to vent/get comfort cus I dunno what's wrong with me I'm dissociating so much and have so much anxiety and my head won't stop spinning about things

My dad says it's just anxiety hitting my body after being sick but I wish he could see inside my brain just to make sure I'm scared kinda :(

#trying not to freak out #part of me feels like it could be the weed but I don't really feel high or different rn in fact I kinda need a hit for my back #im either scared that religion is real but only Christians get to heaven #or im scared that religion doesn't exist and everything is just scientific and I'll never see my loved ones again #I really just wanna walk thru life normally and not feeling like I'm this #like this* #it feels like it's a FACT that something bad is gonna happen and in the end I'll be unhappy no matter what #I'm not starting by thinking negative thoughts it hits me physically first that's the scary part #it's like a shell shock of horror I dunno #I'm stuck frozen for days now #it could be my meds it could be the weed but I'm scared that it actually God talking to me but I just want him to be clear and shocking like #like in the movies #I know I'm not a good Christian but I just wanna make people happy but also be happy #I'm scared #I'm background terrified all of the time #I'm also overstimulated by the heat and mess and stuff in our house i with I could just do SOMETHING but it's like a stalemate #I keep going from fear and craziness to feeling almost nothing #fuck I'm so fucked up and it's all my stupid fault with the dumb drugs and whoring myself out #I wish I was a real person and not just a mimicking parrot

[29121996]

.

#soo close to breaking down and just beibg like #well i cant do this !!! i dont want to be away from you i dont want to have yo find someone else. i jsut want you #and im so scared of how thatd be taken n i dont wanna be . shut out again. #like . im supposed to just yrust this and trust thst its gappening even if i sont ubderstand whats goijg on #but my fear is slightly stronger than my ability to just Trust myself and the universe. #i want this so bad n ive never eanted ANYTHING as badly as i want . to work it out with him. #like yhats so unsettling ??? im just . i dont know how to proceed #esp not after that fucking messagw like . how do i respond to thst !!!! what am i supposed to say !!!! #like shit dawg . i CANT move on. uoure so deeply dug into me and what i want that i . am Struggling to like . even fathom the idea #of anyone else bc wjy would i . why would i find someone else wjen i had and found all i wanted. please tell me #youre coming back to me . please tell mw that youre not . going to let me go bc i cant lwt u go !!!! i tried so hard !!!! to do that !!! #and i couldnt !!!! i knew almost insta tly that i wanted him forever . n i know iy now more thsn ever thats what i want #. god . what the fuck do i do #im not supoosed to do anything !! im jus supposed to . trust that this is gonna work out anf that . it will haooen #even if i dont see it or understsnd it . n that rlly is the hars part bc oh my god i wanna throw in tje towel and die . #ive tried so hard to get over this and get over him but i literally cant. and just Livinf with this feeling is awful. #esp bc how my brain works like . atp i need a cold hars rejection to lessen my grip on it and to . move away from it #fuck. idk what to fucking do any.ore i am . abt to break and crack and . just tell him i miss him too much to keep doing this. #ive reread that message 293939 times sincs i recoeved it. its not hslping me in any shape or form! #it just has to work out. it has to .

[chososlilprincess]

last part of virgin!Choso<3 (im gonna write more for him tho, just in other scenarios!!) other parts here: part 1 part 2 part 4

.⋅ ۵♡۵ ⋅.

Virgin Choso who stands on his small balcony, looking over the city, a grey cloud creeping out between his lips.

Choso had taken up smoking. He’d asked Leiri about it when he’d seen her doing it, and she’d told him it helped her to relax. he’d bought a pack right after that. The first couple of times he’d coughed the smoke out. But now he does it smoothly, inhaling and exhaling the smoke with no problem. It makes him feel at ease even just for a moment, and lord knows he needs it right now. Humans are fucking weird he thinks, they’d jepordize their health for a little break from their troubles. Guess that doesnt sound so ridiculous now that he thinks about it. Either way hes a human now too, or a half one atleast.

he squeezes the cigarette into an ashtray and looks at the time when he hears the door bell ringing. Its late and you’re here.

he hears you running up the stairs, and when you get to the top you run to him, giving him a soft hug. His heart keens.

“hi Choso!” you smile and let go of him, he immediately misses the feel of you, “hey,” he mumbles.

“why do you smell like cigerattes?” you huff and your nose crickles. cute.

he raises his shoulders.

“i cant believe it…who taught u to do that huh?” you make a disappointed face and fold your arms, tapping your foot on the floor. And he knows youre just joking, you and Yuji have been using enough sarcasm around him for him to have a pretty good understanding of it.

“Leiri,” he shrugs.

“of course…that hag,” you grin. And you look so fucking adorable, in your little outfit, and the way you look when you smile makes him weak. He has your bag ready on the couch, he had washed your panties before putting everything back into it. But he can’t think about that now, or he’ll turn bright red.

he sighs “i made dinner,” he says, “if you’re hungry,” you stop infront of him and you almost look like youre gonna cry from happiness. “im starving,” you say quickly, “what did you make?”

He’d made rice bowls for you. your favourite. And you eat like a girl who’d gotten her first meal in months. Happily humming while eating your food.

Rather than focusing on eating his own bowl, he thinks about eating every meal of the day with you, sitting across from him.

when you’re done you put your plate in the sink and you yawn, you look adorable when you yawn, you look adorable when you do anything.

you turn around, “Choso?”

his heart skips a beat. he nods.

“it’s really late and um…dark outside and i don’t really want to walk home alone,” you look away, are you….blushing?

“is it okay if i stay here for the night?”

And hes heard the stories. About what happens to pretty girls when they’re alone at night and they don’t see the stranger walking behind them. And his fist clenches at the thought of someone being mean to you. He’s stronger than any human. he’d crush their fucking skull.

“you can stay,” he says quickly, a little too eagerly he realises. And you smile, “give me your plate,” you say, looking greatful that he let you stay, unknowing of the fact that he’d do just about anything if it meant your safety, or your happiness.

You start washing the dishes in his tiny kitchen, and when Choso tries insisting that he wants to help, you splash a bit of water on him. And you laugh so sweetly, when he jumps a little, trying not to get hit.

When youre done washing up, You both stand in silence for a while. For some reason its not as akward as it sounds.

“i will sleep on the couch,” he says,

“no Choso…id feel bad, you sleep in your bed,” you mumble.

You both argue like that for a while, and youre not letting up. stubborn little human.

you both get quiet for a moment.

“how big is your bed?”

“Queen size,”

“so why dont we just…sleep in it together?”

youre blushing slightly again. it must be his imagination.

And then he thinks about it. Friends sleep in the same bed sometimes right? you dont mean anything by it, he thinks, its just you being polite.

“i guess…we could do that yes,” he agrees.

you smile and nod, “okay,”

Choso excuses himself to go to the bathroom then, telling you to go ahead and get ready for bed.

He looks at himself in the mirror. He takes out his buns, his hair falling down to his shoulders. His eyes are dark and sunken. He looks dead he thinks. He looks down, “behave,” he says quietly, mostly to his heart, but also his dick.

he buries his head in his hands And He realizes he cant, he realizes the second he’s gonna look at you in his bed, he won’t be able to stop himself. to stop himself from confessing everything he feels, everything he’s done. that he thinks about you all the time, that you drive him insane, that he stole your pretty panties and came in his hand from the smell of your wet cunt.

When he rounds the corner of his bedroom, you’re sitting patiently on the edge of his bed, waiting for him.

“i am going to sleep on the couch, i don’t think this is a good idea,” he says it quickly, before he changes his mind, before its too late to go back.

you open your mouth to speak, hesitating a little.

“is it because of what yuji told me?”

his brain goes quiet. “what?”

“that you…that you like me?”

fuck. its over. he sighs angrily. that little fucki-

you stand and walk to him.

and when you put your hand on his chest, for a moment he forgets why hes mad, he forgets who he is and what year hes in. all he sees is you. And how close you are all of a sudden. and how youre leaning in, standing on your tippy toes, pressing your soft lips to his, in a short gentle kiss. His world stops for a moment.

And when he regains his senses, his instincts take over and he kisses you back ferociously, it’s sloppy and uncoordinated, but neither of you seem to care.

You walk backwards onto his bed, and you push him down so he’s sitting on the edge. He looks at you like a puppy dog, and his cheeks are flushed red.

When you sit down in his lap his dick twitches in his pants.

“i- i didnt think you…,” he stutters. he doesn’t really believe what’s happening.

“well i do,” you say, while cupping his face in your hands. “a lot,”

“can i…” he needs it he needs it he needs it, “can i eat your pussy?” he mumbles it quietly.

your eyes widen. fuck, he shouldn’t have said that, it was way too fast, you were just kissing.

“oh…uh okay,”

fuck. yes.

he lifts you up from his lap, and you skriek a little from surprise. He puts you down in a chair in the corner of his bedroom.

he gets on his knees infront of you and speaks quietly,

“i…im sorry i,” he sniffles a little, he’s so overwhelmed. And you’re letting him taste you.

you lean down and give him a kiss, biting your lip slightly.

“its okay…we can talk later, if you need it i’ll give it to you okay?”

And fuck he almost cries, and he buries his face in your lap. You shush him a little, caressing his hair. Hes hugging your legs.

He lifts his head, and you start unbuttoning your pants. Slowly sliding them down your hips as they fall to the floor. You spread your legs and he whimpers. Your panties are pink this time, and theres a big wet spot on them. And he doesn’t spare a second, he dives his head into your cunt, rubbing his face in it and licking at the wet spot desperately. you moan his name softly, and he cant help but grind his hard cock against the leg of the chair. Hes pathetic but he doesnt care, he wants you to feel good, he wants to make you cum on his face. He groans into your weeping pussy as he thinks about you cumming for him.

He pulls away a little, silently begging you to remove your panties. He wants to see your pussy so bad. His pussy.

You slide down your panties to reveal your soaked cunt. Choso almost growls. He looks up at you, asking for permission to keep going. you nod, your eyes half lidded. Spoiled little princess, he thinks, and thats exactly how hes going to treat you from now on.

he leans in again, kissing your pussy and it makes a wet sound. He licks his lips and groans deeply at your taste. He starts lapping at your cunt like a dehydrated puppy. He’s making out with your pussy now, swiping his tongue all over. You can tell he’s inexperienced, but it doesn’t matter, he’s doing such a good job.

you feel so good, his tongue is too much, its all too much. You love him so much. And you cum unexpectedly, crying out his name, begging him to keep going and he whines. You thrash around and Choso keeps you steady, his strong hands grasping your hips.

After youre done he keeps licking up your cum, making sure youre cleaned.

“Choso…stop, too much,” you say softly.

He pulls away.

His face is covered in your juices, dripping all the way down his neck. And he looks so happy. He stands up, like its on instinct. He needs to hold you.

He grabs you into his arms and plop down onto the bed, with you on his chest. He squeezes you into him, kissing your hair while you slide your panties on again.

“mine,” he says softly. youre his now.

You look up at him, searching his eyes, “Choso i wanna um…you know,” you gesture to his crotch. you want to make him feel good too.

but he looks away shyly. its embarrassing and pathetic, “i um..,” he sits up with you in his lap.

He doesnt feel hard under you anymore. And then it clicks.

“oh my god did you…”

he blushes furiously and nods, “its embarrassing,” he had cum in his pants the second he put his face in your bare pussy.

“no! no…it’s really…hot,” you reason and he looks less embarrassed. He looks into your eyes then, looks at your pretty little face and he already knows he wants you to be his forever.

“do you want to be my girlfriend?” he asks nervously.

you giggle and nod eagerly, jumping on him, wrapping your arms around him and nuzzling into his neck.

hes the luckiest man in the world he thinks. And you both fall asleep, you laying on his chest.

.⋅ ۵♡۵ ⋅.

guys they didn’t actually fuck and i’m SORRY

now….part 4?? hey!!! HEY OKAY IM SORRY!! comment if yall want more ill do a lil short one where buddy ACTUALLY looses his virginity.

taglist:

@iqzo @multy-fandom-lover

#choso x reader #jjk x reader #jjk smut #choso #choso fluff #choso kamo #choso kamo smut #choso kamo x reader #choso kamo x you #choso smut #kamo choso #kamo choso x reader