#ill make another post right now about it

[thecherrygod]

do i have to write a fic? cant i just write the main concept and how things would go if i were to actually write it and call it a day?

#my posts #asking this to myself btw #bc like. i can do whatever i want #its more of a 'then what do you want' kind of question #im writing the main idea #i havent written a fic since i was around 15. ive only written concepts for a while #but i always say i dont write fics bc i never know how to finish them #how to keep it up #this time tho? its a one shot idea. simple hurt comfort that may or may not end up with a kiss #with a confession or the basis of them getting a confession soon #........ thinking about it still. writing everything else on a document #i love the middle aged men and i think a lot about them and i want one of them to be hurt and the other to clean his wounds..... #also i need the practice bc this also happens with.... some ocs. #............ oh god #ill make another post right now about it

[plulp]

FINALLY. sydney. never drawing again.

#my art #dol #sydney the faithful #sydney the fallen #sorry i tag fallen on here even though its always just One (1) #i just like to keep it organized :( promise ill draw them like that normally once one day #i should get to BED soon #not much to talk about here right now sorry :( no wall of text this time #making another post after this one though

[spotsupstuff]

i sense how on the contrary, when moon is in Zeph’s local group the members will all go ‘omg youre actually letting us do this’ or be surprised of her leniency with almost anything(or if she gets upset she wont be yelling her ass off and will try to remain calm), because of how Zeph would usually be so strict with em and they didnt expect better

see- first you gotta understand that the chancla doesn't really Hurt the iterators. while they definitely can feel through their puppets, those things are made to be sturdy (throw a normal or singularity bomb into Pebs' chamber,he's fine, i know he just doesn't have health but worldbuilding is worldbuilding so i guess a fully functional iterator is fine with blackhole into the head). it maybe stings for a sec but it's not worse than gettin pinched (also where did you get that she yells at em, she's only exclaimed so far i think. if you check how she handled Innocence, that's how she generally goes about it- no yellin for the sake of puttin 'em in place, she's just venting out her frustrations into the air)

the Point of the chancla is to get the target's unwavering attention so she can talk some sense into them WITHOUT using the senior privilege which is far more invading since it cuts straight through their systems and forces the juniors to stop everything to pay attention. these things are giant supercomputers! they are going to have a different perspective on what counts as "too much"/"too bad" than us humans! it isn't used to limit what they are doing unless the thing they are gon do is explicitly threatening to their safety, the limiting is what the Senior Privilege does!

in that lil comic with Pebs, Suns, Nish, Inn and her, she doesn't actually even hit Nish in the last panel, the chancla is only supposed to suddenly appear from behind next to his face n he gets startled + drama queen points. i've admitted in the tags of it that i gave up on the last page so i don't blame anyone for not gettin that since i haven't put enough effort into communicating it

with what she's doin back in her own group, she Needs to be this strict if she wants her plan of keeping everyone reliably long-term safe to work

and her groupmates would undeniably miss her. they love her! they don't want some lenient stranger without constant spice to her instead of their ramshackle beloved Azzie!!!!

#Spot says stuff #rw #oc tag #remember!!!!! important point to her character that also bothered me at some point with how similar it makes her to Moon was that shes Kind #Zeph is kind almost as much as Moon but their situations- concerning all their past present and future- are strikingly different and so #their lives require them to have different approach to things. what Zeph is specifically doin different from Moon is that shes Firmer #strictness isnt wrong!!! if you arent strict on either yourself or the people around you then it is easy to breach boundaries n do- #-Terrible things. its. honestly why i got real sad when a peep asked me to tag that one post as abuse. its not that believe me Zeph would- #-Never abuse another iterator. shes specifically trying to get around that while still keepin them sensible. but ofc ill tag it as such 4 u #look where Moon's leniency got her! dead and hurt and everyone who loved her suffering! there are times when you Need to be firm and cut- #-a bad situation at its bud before it can spiral into something absolutely damning #i didnt include it cuz it isnt Funney™ but after each chancla she talks to the target about why what they did was wrong #Suns you cant send that. it can hurt him very badly. Innocence you need to respect other people. Pebbles this will Hurt me if u keep doing- #-what you are doing right now. it could *kill* me. why are you doing this in the first place? do you need to talk? need me to listen? #being strict and being cruel or dictatorial are different things

[anxiously-sidequesting]

Does anyone else in this fandom have those Autism™ Moments where you have like 80 different wizard posts you want to make and are bouncing around in your head like that windows screen loader thing at the Exact Same Time and each post requires like a nuclear bomb amount of energy and creativity that you don't have because,

#i litwrally have a headache from the things i want to say but cannot because im too lazy #another teen morganthe au post. a post expanding on the ceren bartleby child post. a post about something new i found out about malorn #and then a post EXPANDING on the malorn post. a post about nolan stormgate. a post about boris tallstaff. a post about malistaire #a poll about if dyvim has any rizz canonically or not #these are like all shitty ideas i have and i have no brain juice. the words are there but I Am Not #its great being mentally ill in wizard101 because theres so much lore and shit you can work with its so fun #but then i get tired from thinking too hard im like patrick star. yknow #yknow what fuckit im making that dyvim poll right the fuck now. stop me #wizard101 #w101 #wiz101 #text posts

[moregraceful]

what jersey did you purchase today??

THEY GOT ME WITH THE GAME WORN CRISCUOLO JERSEY MAN 😭 IT WAS SO EXPENSIVE AND IT'S NOT EVEN SIGNED 😭😭

shit won't even fit i bet, that man was the size of a grain of rice and weighed less than my dog. this org has my balls in a fucking vice

#you guys know how i only wear the john leonard jersey to sharks games bc it was such an ill-advised purchase? me with this crisco jersey #the cuda should be paying ME money. i MAKE them money. by POSTING #i'm sure i make some equally normal purchase of a cvf jersey i can't wear anywhere later this week too. i'm so sure 😭 tf is wrong with me #which btw. downloading every single podcast on the face of the planet for this roadtrip knowing full well what's gonna happen is #i am gonna listen to 5 minutes of a locked on sharks episode and get ripshit mad at jdy and spend the next 7.25 hours listening to #spotify's tropical house playlist while carefully crafting the most dumbass notfic about environmental conservation #which is what always happens when i have to drive by myself for long periods of time #AND BTW. RE: CRISCO JERSEY. THIS ONLY HAPPENED BECAUSE I WAS MAD AT ONE JOB AND THEN RECEIVED A VERY ANNOYING TEXT MESSAGE FROM ANOTHER JOB #AND THEN THE ORG EMAILED. STEF GOT ME IN A VULNERABLE MOMENT. I WAS DYSREGULATED!!! I WAS NOT MYSELF!!!! #the best part is the sharks proshop called me this morning like hey your simmer jersey is ready. i was like oh yay :) <3 UNKNOWING......... #all three of my jobs made me so exhausted today guys it just never ends #but then it's like well. if i didn't have three jobs. i couldn't make insanely stupid purchases either #so even though i burned out so hard i feel dead inside a lot of the time. at least i can create THE most baffling sharkuda jersey collectio #where was i going with this. oh right. mackblack win tn schedule that selena gomez lockdown starting NOW #cage replies #tausendsorgen #LESA

[oh-warizoro]

When ch 1044 and 1045 were released and all the chaos was unleashed, I remember having a very obvious question

"How come the power of human human no mi: model Nika is connected to rubber?"

How is a gomu gomu fruit's awakening the power to turn imagination into reality?

I mean... This awakening grants the user freedom, not just of spirit but freedom of how to use power too. Luffy's ability to manipulate reality while in gear 5 seems to show that.

So??? Why rubber? Why does the fruit give the user a rubber-like body? What does that have to do with anything?

I was totally not re reading Skypiea when I noticed this.

Of course it's white they're in a cloud sky instead of a water ocean, but it's the fact that they use "pure white". White would've been enough to get the point across, right?

Guess where else have we seen that exact expression!? Oda's drafts of Gear 5!!

And the chapter after that? Guess what?!

We learn island clouds in Skypiea bounce just like rubber.

There's no need for Oda to make them bounce, but they do! Exactly like when Luffy turns the environment around him to rubber due to the awakening.

Let's not forget that Skypiea is where we first hear about the "Sun God" and we see Luffy's sirouette resembling the "Sun God Nika" transformation.

So would it be insane to think whatever Luffy has going on during his gear 5 is clouds?!! More specifically island clouds just like the ones found in sky islands.

Think about it.

Rubber was unknown to the people in Skypiea, and sea clouds/island clouds don't survive in the blue sea under natural conditions. Most likely 99% of the blue sea population has no idea what an island cloud is or what their properties are.

For all intents and purposes rubber was the best description blue sea people could give to the power of the fruit. If the fruit hasn't awaken in 800 years, it means no one has seen that transformation (which clearly is not just a “rubber fruit” awakening) EVER?! since the end of the void history gap. You would have no way of knowing. You would just think it’s rubber.

Now what does clouds have to do with the Sun God?

Well other than "they're in the sky" I'm not sure 😂 but someone that dreams a lot is said "to have their head in the clouds". The same way imagination and thoughts in manga are depicted with a floating cloud above the character's head.

It seems to be a perfect physical and symbolic representation of dreams! That's the theme of skypiea and the true pinnacle of piracy - dreams and freedom. It’s what the whole story is about!

#opspoilers #op spoilers #opwmspoilers #opmeta #luffy #human human no mi model nika #It's fucking clouds isn't it??? #I've been staring at the void for too long trying to articulate a decent explanation of my afternoon discovery #And don't get me started on how dials have to be ancient tech from the ancestors of the skypeians #and possibly even from THE ancient kingdom!! #the way pagaya and Gan fall talk about them... It just feels like it and that they don't know how to make dials anymore #Plus skypieans were from the moon #and super technological advanced. They has mecha and all! #And vegapunk has managed to make sea and island clouds in egghead #They can definitely be #manipulated and maybe even man-made #Also pyrobloin!!! It's a component from both Kairoseki and cloud islands! #I have too many thoughts running through my mind. #Maybe another day ill post about some of the other stuff but for now CLOUDS?!! #I needed to get that out bc it's so stupid but... One Piece is stupid?!! Right??? #I think I might've just gone insane #§mine #ch: 1044 #ch: 1046 #ch: 1061 #ch: 237 #ch: 238 #ch: 1053.4 #§optr #§opmta

[wild-at-mind]

Not reblogging it for reasons, but I really agree with that person on here who said people are reframing depression and generally feeling shit all the time as a good thing because of the horrors of Gaza. There are people on here heavily implying that you feeling bad and finding it more and more difficult to live with yourself is actually an appropriate response to war and genocide. In some way, it might be. But the thing is, where does that lead? Does it lead to decisive action in accordance to your values, or to nihilistic stewing and self isolation from your community?

The post went on to call it anti-recovery culture- I don't know if I would call it that, because I get why people don't like recovery culture, especially in relation to addiction, but mental illness also. I think that's something I'm not qualified to speak on. So I wouldn't call this anti-recovery culture. Instead I would call it pro-burnout in activism culture. Do you honestly think people who are the most productively working in their communities and participating in actions to help overseas are feeling like this? Or do you think they have learned to use self-accountability and community support to reign themselves in when they begin to burn out emotionally, and rest and recuperate their mind in order to come back stronger? Ask yourself, is that wrong of them to do, because they should be feeling bad, because after all that is the appropriate response....does it mean they don't care, because they don't spend all their time feeling shit? Or perhaps, the truth is, they do care, and are demonstrating it all the time, but they also understand that them feeling shit literally doesn't help anyone. Why can we not talk about or acknowledge this?

#i don't want to make out like i'm some amazing activist- absolutely am not talking about myself here #but i think they key thing is activism is best done as a group and one of the group's important functions is caring for one another #if you see an activist framework that encourages people to isolate from others it's not leading anywhere good- avoid #please do not let these ghouls trick you into thinking your depression and shit feelings are the right thing to feel #or that it's wrong to not want to have them any more #as that other post said: no thought crimes and also no thought activism #it's just thoughts and they don't do anything without actions and guess what makes you unable to do actions? (depression) #by the way i wish there was a better word than burnout to talk about this because it's so associated with work and capitalism #but it's a thing- i have seen it through my environmental activism group over the past 4 years #one woman just cut ties with everyone right down to her best friend and disappeared- we know she is alive but that's it #i miss her. but she had all the tools to avoid burning out and she didn't use them- at the end of the day you can't MAKE someone stop #oh yeah finally the above attitude to mental illness also puts you in a vulnerable place for conspiracy thinking #PLEASE do not become like my dad who listened to his mental illness too hard #and went from a leftist to a horseshoe theory conspiracist #guess how much activism he does now?! (hint: it's 0)

[lem-argentum]

than/rudy/raha is an interesting concept to me becauseee. th.ancred deals a lot with words unspoken. his most meaningful relationships are hurt because he focuses on action to the point of miscommunication. and meanwhile, aside from what he keeps hidden very intentionally, raha says a lot more in terms of affection. because (from his perspective) his time is almost up, and he wants to leave those relationships with the other knowing how he feels without any doubt. y’know………

#lem text #🌊 #💎 #(<- HE HAS BEEN GIVEN A TAG NOW. <3) #th.ancred ‘suppressor of emotions’ waters & g.raha ‘i have to leave a legacy behind in my words’ tia. OR SOMETHING….. #I DUNNO…. i think about the moment where the crystarium is in peril and you *have* to go but raha makes time to talk to lyna anyway. #because it is so important to him that his care for her is clear. IN CONTRAST TO the scene where r.yne confesses to uri how unsure she is- #about *th.ancred’s* care for *her;* and HE doesn’t intervene to clear *his* side up because it’s ‘not the right time yet.’ DO YOU GET IT……;; #and than has development with this. he is aware of this flaw in himself by the end of shb #but it obviously still wouldn’t come as naturally to him as it does with raha……. #SO; if you put them in a situation where they both have some sorts of feelings for the wol. AHEM #it would be interesting to see that dynamic y’know. raha being generally open about admiration vs. than struggling to convey sentiment……. #IT WOULD BE FUNNY IS WHAT IM SAYING. give these guys a shared crush and put them in a room together. YKNOW #in post-hw than has a few lines that (TO ME?) imply jealousy about another character’s closeness with us; #AND SAID CHARACTER WAS NOT EVEN AS OPENLY FOND OF US AS RAHA IS; SO WHAT IM *SAYING* IS. YOU GET IT. WOULD BE FUNNY. THANKS <3 #THERES SO MUCH TO COMPARE WITH THEM TOO BUT MY TAGS WOULD GET SO LONG. SO GOODNIGHT ILL GET BACK TO YOU HNFDKD <333

[sunbedo]

Hey guys. gay rights

#i already made the sonic one a while bc yknow. kinnie stuff youve all seen my blog theme #but then i was wearing my Fearless Year of Shadow(tm) shirt along with it and my irl bff was like. #'why are you wearing a sonic bracelet with that shirt if you love shadow so much 🤨' * #(he doesnt know much about sth stuff but ive infodumped abt shadow and his backstory to him many times) #and i was like 😭😭 BECAUSE I DONT HAVW A SHADOW KANDI BUT I WANNA MAKE ONE. I WILL SOON #so. now i do!! taking my ad/derall on the weekends always make me want to make more kandi. its great! #and yknow what else it makes me want to do...... talk more on here >:3333 #me and my dad are gonna go to a local jazz festival this afternoon bc our jazz combo is playing at it!! #itll be fun. my dad said hes gonna get some food from this really good breakfast place on the way thwre #which is not the best part. the best part is outside the shop there is a wonderful kitty cat who hangs around the parking lot #bc hes owned by the ppl who own the bar right next door #its so great. everybody knows him (the cat) and loves him. the v/ape shop next door has a tip door set up for him even though the #bar owner ppl take care of him and take him to the vet nd stuff. my dad found a faceb/ook page somebody made for him #and apparently it just has pictures of ppl at the bar holding him. its so great and hilarious. this cat is so loved #by the v/ape shop people. by random people at this beachtown bar. by the breakfast shop people. #anyways uh. this post was abkut kandi wasnt it 😭😭😭 lol #cherry chortles #anyways the add/er/all also usually makes me want to look at and sort through my pkmn card collection. so imma do that #because my dads friend (and my friend too i guess! me and him exchange cat photos bc he has this adorable chunky cat named gremlin) that we #play bar trivia with on tuesdays (dw its not really even a bar. its mostly a restaurant) asked me abt my pokemon card collection #bc the final question was to put a few franchises (it was like. dora the ecplora and spide/rman etc. and pokemon) in order of revenue #and obvs pokemon was the top. bc of factors like the trading cards so thats how that came up #we didnt bet any of our points btw but we almost! got it right! the order was pk/mn dora spidamen friends (the tv seies) but we had spidman #as second. but we still won!! our team is on a two game winning streak!!! we always split the money so next week ill get another 8 dolla >:3 #wow i havent hit tag limit yert #lol. yall'll open the 'see all tags' thing and boom. do you love the color of the sky type shit 😭😭😭 #sorry that sounds too much like aave. i (white baby) cant be sayin that #cherrys kandi #okay well i had a tag with a verse from the ultimarw showdown bc i didnt know what else to say #but with my kandi tag and these two tags i have hit tag limit. thank you folks ill be here all night

[eyeheartboobiez]

getting emotional thinking about britney spears…

#her life has truly been hell #like you can name ANY kpop idol and i guarantee you she’s been through worse #being controlled and abused by her whole family. having a miscarriage. being scrutinized by the whole world… #not to mention being sexualized since she was like 15 #and then being villainized my justin and his weird ass🤦🏿‍♀️ #i just feel so bad for her☹️ #like imagine being one of the biggest pop stars in the world for YEARS #only to have your life reduced down to you being mentally ill😕 #yk that one guy way back when who went viral for defending britney on yt? #yea that’s how im feeling right about now #LIKE JUST LEAVE HER ALONEEE😭 #and another thing that’s pissing me off is all the people who are talking about how she got ‘replaced’ #and that all her videos are AI generated #like damn bitches will see a woman show that she’s aged and js start losing it oh my days😭 #anyways yeah fuck everybody else #no one could ever make me hate her🥹🫶🏿 #ﾉ彡☆ [sumn to say] — text posts

[widevibratobitch]

.

#havent really been active on tumblr the last few days but now i came back to post another vent and fuck off again lol hiiiiii #i havent cried in way too long. ngl sobbing hysterically in your bed does hit different lol #anyway. what a great time to remind myself of every single bad thing anyone has ever said about my body and my face <3 #anyway i finished the sobbing till i cant breathe session and now my one eye hurts like there's sth stuck in it but there's nothing #but while i was digging in it trying to find sth under my eyelid that could explain the pain i really really looked at it #my friend once said my eyes are the colour of a swamp and by god she was right. #and like damn. i was never insecure about my eyes but maybe i should add that to the list. #but like whatever. like obv im not gonna start being actually insecure about mu stupid eyes but it did hit me that there is really #not a single thing about my body that i can with all confidence say is nice/pretty/whatever. not a single thing that i genuinely like. #like at best case it's 'not as bad as it could be'. like i have nothing lol. cant even honestly say something as silly as 'i like my eyes' #cause no. they look like a swamp. #idk im just so tired of trying my best all the time and still looking like a rotting leaking bag of garbage. #i try to remind myself that i dress funny and do fun make up and that is what people will notice about me but the truth is #everyone will still always see that under all that bs im just plain ugly and just generally unattractive #and ill never be able to distract anyone from that not really #like ik people who like me dont care about that but thats the thing. #im just tired of being one of the people that will always be liked/loved/whatever 'despite' sth. #like there is nothing of value in me that is NATURAL. its all fucking fake. #anyway. wish i were dead same old same old.

[strwbrymlkshake]

Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

#mine #oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times #but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry #like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie #im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc #i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me #thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related #anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that #ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired #// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always #because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life #like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing #me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little #so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die #every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt. #well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he #is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him #every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again #but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh #i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT #I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time #like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me #he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do #he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away

[n0ct0urn1quet]

@raiden-metal-gear-rising sorry this is a gaypos for u but it mite be more of just a rant because i am fuming (not rly i am just frustrated bc . u know why <3)

#im sur u read my previous posts abt uhhh my mom goign to visit my brother bc shes on vacation rn right . shes off til next sunday i think #but uh. yeah thats not happening bc guess what!! she cant afford it!!! because wow who wuldve thought that having to pay twice as much #money for bills + groceries would make u poorer than u already are!!!!! we are struggling!!!!!!! #and what has robynne done? nothing but PARTIALLY pay for grocieries. emphasis on *partially* #idk man its just insane. even if mom wasnt rly thinking about coming to see u we still cant bc we cannot afford it at all....... #i even said if i need to get a job i will and then added 'bceause im more willing to get one than she is' n she just looked at me #and idk man its just frustrraing . pls moeve out of ur place soon so i can leave and move in with u KAJSKLBKKLJG #i dont mean to say that to like rush u or anything u can do whatever u awant at Whatever pace u want i donot minde . it is oke #i just !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! h #i have a very strong feeling im gonna be moving out before she does............................ #just saying #sorey i kno this is supposed 2 be positive bc is gaypos but . i am not in a good mood i want 2 scream and throw things i think #i just want my house back!!!! im tired!!!!!! im so fucking tired man!!!!!! i m going insane!!!!!!!! #and now i just feel horrible bc rob knows i talk shit about her in vc and i just feel like i cannot talk out loud at all rn bc what if shes #fuckin eavesdropping!!! thats another thing did she just overhear me or like completely listen in on our conversation #bc if she listened in on us then thats fucked and i hope she fucks off #but if she just overheard us then idk man guess ill just have to close my door and keep it closed all the time which is something i donot #want to do !! #i dont like having my door closewd bc 1. it gets humid and 2. kitty does not like it and also 3. i just like having it open #but i feel like i cant have it open anymore bceause what if shes listening to just everything i say now!!!!!! i feel unsafe!!!!!! #get me out of here bestie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #sory im just . H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im going insane ill rb this with happier thoughts in a second i just #oh i am so mad . so mad

[johndonneswife]

spending time with my sister again is making me sad. i want to shake her and scream at her and let her know there’s more for her out there - all she has to do is grab it. she’s only been here 24 hours and has already facetimed our mom, dad & grandmother multiple times, as if she doesn’t see all three of them every day back home. she’s constantly been telling me stories about my cousin’s kids as if they’re her own - shows me pictures of them posing in front of art projects she does with them, candids of them playing at the park. she expects me to be sadder than i am because someone in our extended family, who i talk to maybe once every 8 years, is sick. she deliberately forces herself to speak with a thick accent like everyone we know, but i can tell she’s faking it. she’s talking about buying a house that will be ‘good’ for our parents and her boyfriend’s mom to live in ‘one day,’ when she’s never even had a real job and has never lived away from my parents. she’s asking me about the guest list for my wedding and bringing up all these people in our family she knows i don’t like, who i don’t talk to, who i don’t even consider family anymore.

i want her to live for herself for once in her life. i want her to be single for once in her life. i want her to learn not to rely on a boyfriend to bolster her self-esteem. i want her to make new friends, to come home late, to have a ‘rebellious phase.’ i want her to feel real anger. i want her to have her own thoughts, to have real interests and passions. i want her to have a life outside of the cult that is our family. i wish she knew she was more than a baby factory. i wish she knew she was more than my mother’s puppet. i wish she knew people would still love her and cherish her if she would just be herself - and with that knowledge, i wish more than anything she would feel comfortable enough to finally figure out who exactly she is.

all she does is perform. she plays it safe - sticks to all the approved hobbies and phrases and thoughts and aspirations. she doesn’t even know she’s doing it. and being around her is fine but she is emotionally immature because of all of this shit. she lacks depth. she is not a self-actualized person. i could not tell you anything about her soul. she leans in too hard to what everyone else has always wanted her to be.

selfishly - she could maybe be the one person in the world who understands me best - but she’ll never be. and that makes me sad, too.

#i love my sister and i wish she would spend time figuring out who she is #and it makes me sad that she won’t #she will pop out at least three babies and live in the same town as the rest of my family and never travel and never read anything good #she will dedicate her life to her husband and her kids and her career and make them all her entire personality #and after a while there will be nothing of her left #because she never cared enough about herself to nuture her own weirdness and embrace her individuality and love herself despite her flaws #and i blame my family for that but i also kind of blame her too #i’m just sad for her #our relationship is fine but i wish i could tell her this without starting a massive argument #i just need her to know. it’s okay to want more. and i need her to stop stop stop being brainwashed by these stupid fucking people #how did i never notice how bad it was when i was living near my family? i feel so stupid #i repressed so much of my childhood and bits and pieces are coming back lately #but with sara right now. i feel like the dam is breaking. ugh #text #i want her to be happy and fulfilled i just really do #there’s just so much shit in the way #don’t get me started on how she’s also self-diagnosing herself with a million different mental illnesses tho i need another post for that #don’t reblog this obviously. dunno why i have to write that

[goblinpercy]

once again i am anxious about health related issues outside of my control

#vent #all my actual posts are just vents and for that i am very sorry #i prommy ill post normal stuff someday #right now my anxiety is literally just all i ever think about #so many health things are happening to me and it makes me feel like im dying every time #im seeing a doctor soon but Not Soon Enough! #all of my health issues have been happening like. back to back #like once one clears up another just appears and now i need to live with that #first heart palpitations/pain then chronic hradaches now muscle weakness after i wake up #im so tired man. i just wanna be normal #and if my doctor says i need to lose weight again im going to lose my marbles #not saying i dont need a diet change bc i do lol im extraordinarily unhealthy #but like. i like being fat! it makes me feel good! i like being big and hairy and soft! #im rambling. i should go back to sleep #(i probably wont be able to)

[seimei-chsq]

…sorry i’m going to be a bitch for a second

#if you read this… ty for hearing me out and also i’m sorry #okay first off. i try to like… exercise some maturity when it comes to being a sports fan. i try not to be petty and childish. #but i’m in a petty mood today so! i apologize in advance lmao #anyways… i really think i’m going to have to filter * content from my dash. watching him land the 4A makes me feel… idk. #i’m not ~upset~ but i am… ugh. like obviously no one has exclusive rights to a jump and he hasn’t landed it in comp yet and also #it LITERALLY doesn’t matter if he lands it first or not. but in further reflection i don’t think that’s the reason i’m feeling :/ about it? #like. it’s not about who lands it first or whatever. it’s about seeing someone achieve something RELATIVELY ‘effortlessly’ #while we have to watch yz try and fail and try again and fail but fail better… it’s the nature of sports i know #and i’m so proud of yz and his determination and his hard work. i’m not discounting that!! #but afagajsksls Maybe this is just trauma from my ~gifted kid~ days when i would give something 110% and then have to watch #as my classmates achieved more than i did with half of the effort i put into it #like it’s probably that. it’s me projecting. #… idk where i’m was going with this. #yz’s 4A matters to me because when he lands it in a masterfully crafted program (and he will!!) #it will be the final jewel in the crown of his career. the 4A is just another jump to * and that’s why i don’t care about him landing it #i PROMISE i don’t harbour any ill will towards * — i wish him all the best in his career! #but i’m still going to root for my faves to come out on top yknow? #anyways! this isn’t meant to be a serious post lol. just a little venting (and if you like * that’s cool! more power to you) #okay now back to our regularly schedule programming <3