#if i could turn on the tv and see butch lesbians every day it would massively improve my quality of life

[gaystardykeco]

society if there were more butch lesbians in every single tv show

#especially fat butches and trans butches and butches of color like i dont just mean skinny white androgynous ppl #if i could turn on the tv and see butch lesbians every day it would massively improve my quality of life

[docholligay]

Haruka question! When do you think she gets her hair cut short? Is it an accident or purposeful? How does she feel about it, and how do the people around her react? At what point do you think she becomes comfortable with her hair being short, which leads me to when do you think she's comfortable as her self and not a standee she tries to emulate for society? (Like I can see her going full hard into the Butch[tm] lifestyle (as dictated by TV and society) to "prove" she's a good butch)

You know, I was about to point you to a fic I'd written about this, but I found in all the ones I mention it, I basically write AROUND it, and have never just simply told the story of it, so here you are.

They were made for construction paper, the scissors. She hadn't known, at 13, that haircutting scissors were special. She just knew she wanted the long braid that had gone down her back for most of her life gone.

She wasn't sure she even knew why, entirely. Haruka had been a tomboy from the very first, but her braid had never really bothered her until recently. It was out of the way, and she could braid it in her sleep, and even as the thought of cutting it off had niggled at her for the past few weeks, she had reminded herself of how quick it was to do, and how short hair could be harder to style.

But still, she wanted it.

When she was older, and comfortable, she could laugh at this moment, at herself, and how she failed to see the butch lesbian she was. She knew she was attracted to girls, of course she knew, she would laugh, but she somehow didn't manage to connect all the dots just then. It had taken her a long time to be introspective at all, and at thirteen, it was impossible.

She just knew she wanted the braid gone, and so she had stolen the scissors from the art room at school, and stood in front of the little hanging mirror in her bedroom. The weight of the braid was heavy in her hand, a rope that kept her connected to a femininity she no longer cared to bear. She was a girl, she knew intensely, whatever other people might say, but she was not like other girls, she knew with equal intensity, and every time the braid thumped against her back it reminded her that she was wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Snip.

Only it wasn't quite a snip, but a thick, hard saw, two or three times, and then it fell away into her hand. The effect was not quite perfect--she looked like some sort of Dutch Pageboy--but still her eyes widened, and she dropped the braid to the floor, limp as a dead rattlesnake.

The scissors in her hand, she continued to work. A clip here, a snip here, shortening the corner and edges. She frowned. It wasn't very good, sticking out at odd angles, the length varying wildly from hair to hair, but it was short, and that part, at least, was as she'd imagined it. She spit into her hand and tried to style it a little. Maybe it didn't look that bad. Maybe she was even handsome, at the corners.

Yes, maybe this was the beginning of figuring out what she was, instead of being painfully aware of what she wasn't.

She left the safety of her tiny room and went to the little kitchen in the corner of the front room, hoping to avoid being seen. Her mother had her boyfriend of the moment over again, Haruka couldn't remember his name and didn't care, and they had been fucked up all evening.

Haruka was never very lucky.

There was a hoot of laughter, and she felt her ears grow red as that man, that stupid, drugged up, piece of shit, laughed at her.

"Hey kid! Get into a fight with a weedwhacker?"

Her mother gave a chuckle. "Leave her alone, Dai"

He turned to her mother, "And I thought she was ugly before."

"Fuck you!" Haruka's reedy voice, not yet mature, rang through the air. "You fucking--bastard--fuck!"

It was not quite the elegant dressing down she had imagined, but it seemed to insult Dai enough, as he leapt off the couch before Haruka had the chance to even realize what it was she'd said.

"Little fucking dyke." She slapped her across the head, hard, and she slammed against the wall and fell to the floor. "You shut the fuck up."

Haruka clutched at her ear. It hurt terribly, so much more than a hit like that should have, her ear buzzed as if her head were full of bees, and when she took away her hand there was a tiny smear of blood on it.

She would carry the memory of this night in every missed bit of conversation over the years.

She would meet Dai again, one day, when she was taller, and stronger, when she would be the one doing the hitting, and she would have no interest whatsoever in being the better person.

But for now, she simply struggled to her feet, still clutching at her ear, aware now that she could barely hear out of it, and stumbled out of the house.

It was a bad first haircut, all told. But it was also a beginning.

[funeral-clown]

@demibuckybarnes

it’s jdox

it’s got some smut

it’s got some banter

it’s got some daddy kink

it’s got a whole bunch of girls names

it’s got sins against the pizza gods

read it if you want

The handle of the door dug into his back through the thin cotton of his shirt, leaving JD wincing. He was more concerned with his front, however, where Dr. Cox had him pinned, snarling, hands furled into tight fists around his shirt. The position exposed a frankly embarrassing amount of belly to the cool air. At least he was wearing a shirt, unlike the growling man currently pinning him to the wall.

“Cassandra,” his mentor grit out, “What in the hell were you thinking, dropping in unannounced on my one day off this week?”

JD started to stammer out a response, only to be roughly jostled into silence.

“Let me to that one for ya there, sweetheart. ‘Oh, how I miss my stud of a resident! He must be lonely, up in his apartment with his scotch and his flat-screen tv and his premium sports cable package! I should go annoy him, thus taking away any chance of him drinking himself into the sweet oblivious void where the hospital, it’s patients, and most importantly I do not exist!’ Am I somewhere close, precious?”

JD sulked.

“I just thought you might want a buddy. You have my back in the hospital, and I have yours-”

A sharp whistle cut him off.

“For the last time, Cassiopeia, I don’t “have your back.” I do my job, which is to make sure you don’t kill all your patients! And it’s a damn exhausting effort! So forgive me for wanting a few hours to myself to drink scotch, watch hockey, and put my hand down my pants-” at this JD’s gaze shifted downwards to his sweats-”eyes up HERE sunshine- without any life or death disasters looming over me or sparkly Disney-princess eyed fan girls looming behind me! Now give me one good reason not to kick your ass.”

JD fluttered his eyelashes. Perry growled and shook him again.

“I’ll pay for pizza?”

There was a pause. His eyes narrowed, considering. After what felt like an eternity, he grunted and let him go. JD let out a small breath of relief, giddy at the chance to bond.

“Fine, but we’re getting pineapple and anchovies and I won’t hear you bitch about it.”

“Anchovies on half?”

“You’ll get anchovies on all of it and you’ll like it!”

“Fine.”

JD rolled his eyes and dialed the number as his dubiously enthusiastic companion returned to the couch.

“There’s beer in the fridge.”

“I thought you were drinking scotch?”

“Correctamundo, I am, in fact, drinking scotch. You, however, are a degenerate upon whom fine liquor is wasted. So you will be drinking beer.”

JD grinned.

“Thanks, Perry. Thoughtful of you to provide a drink, knowing I hate whiskey and all.”

The teasing lilt was not missed by his irate companion, who scoffed before crossing his arms.

“I just refuse to see good booze go to waste on the ungrateful. Now go get your pansy water. And hey! Newbie!”

JD froze halfway to the fridge and looked back.

“No more first naming me. We are not friends, we are not buddies, I am your superior, and it’s Doctor Cox, Big Dog, or, since this is my house, My Lord. Got it?”

JD nodded resolutely.

“You got it, Doctor Per-Bear.”

He cackled and ducked away from the pillow sent flying at his head with a snarl.

“First strike, Deirdre.” 

Still quietly laughing, he grabbed a beer and returned.

“So! Who’s playing?”

“Mouth shut, eyes open, princess. You’ll figure it out.”

“What, no rant about the grand history of the sport?”

“Here’s a rant for ya. If you open your mouth again before the pizza gets here, I’m going to spit in your beer like all the waitresses at the bar do.”

“Ha! Jokes on you, I drink appletinis at the bar!”

“Strike two. And now if you talk, I’m going to kick your ass and throw you out.”

JD took a sullen sip and dramatically gestured to his closed mouth.

“Ah, sweet relief. If I’d known how absolutely giddy it would make me to hear you not speak, I would have bribed the Janitor for duct tape ages ago.”

JD stuck his tongue out. He got a raised eyebrow for his troubles.

“Problem, Betsy?”

He shook his head.

“Awww, buck up there, kid. Tell ya what, if my team rallies by the next period, Daddy might just let you have a sip of his scotch like a big girl.”

JD rolled his eyes and took another drag of his beer.

“Thirsty?”

He shrugged.

“Fine, but you better enjoy it. Little girls like you can only have so many. I’ve met your brother, and I’m not letting another lightweight Dorian crash on my couch.”

JD grinned.

“What? Ohhhhh, did I allllllmost call you by your name, there, Suzy? Don’t worry, Newbie, it won’t happen again.”

JD did his best to project his internal thoughts through his eyes.

“Can’t tell if you’re pissed off or turned on. See, that’s the face Jordan makes when she’s angry, and when she’s angry, I usually get laid. But. Well. Hate to ruin your dreams of a white picket fence, but that’s just not happening, Francesca. I’m not the settle-down type.”

JD gave up on projection and simply flipped him off.

“Thatta girl.”

Perry cuffed him roughly behind the head and grinned.

They both watched silently, drinking their alcohol, until the pizza finally arrived. JD looked to Perry, who gave a small grunt and gestured to the door, eyes glued to the screen. JD paid for the food abomination and chattered lightly to the pizza delivery man, just because he could. The sense of his mentor’s growing frustration only heightened the glee he took in finally communicating with another human being. 

“Darlene! Let the nice hostage go, he has places to be tonight!”

Smiling awkwardly, the man took his tip and left.

“Just had to rub it in there, huh, Newbie?”

“I learned from the best, Big Dog.”

The small snort he got in response was accompanied by the tiniest of smiles. Progress, that was almost laughter. Perry must have already been half tipsy when he got here.

“Well come on, sweetheart, you gonna bring the pizza over here like a good little bitch, or am I gonna have to ask the service for a new french maid?”

“Shall I get you a refill too, sir?”

“That’s more like it.”

JD rolled his eyes and acquiesced. 

“Jordan must really be into dirty talk.”

Perry froze, slice halfway to his mouth.

“Come again?”

“I mean. You’re always calling people names, and getting weirdly descriptive. She must be into it, if she keeps coming back to you.”

His eyes hardened.

“Jordan, mythic bitch that she is, is into a lot of things. Namely, making me miserable. None of which is your business, considering, oh, we’ve BOTH slept with her, and I spend my every waking moment trying to forget her little experiment with lesbianism. No, you know what? We’re all friends here. Why dontcha go ahead and tell me there, princess, does scissoring actually work, or is it just in porn?”

“Just porn.”

Perry’s eyes bulged.

“You are perilously close to losing speaking privileges again.”

“You asked!”

“I have seen your penis, unfortunately, I think we could all safely assume it was a rhetorical question.”

“I only know because Elliot told me.”

“You know what? I could actually stand to hear more.”

“Sorry, Doctor Cox,” JD said smugly, “I don’t kiss and tell.”

“So you frenched a lesbian.”

“Well she said she wanted to be sure!”

“And she decided to go about that by kissing the most effeminate man alive.”

JD pouted.

“I’m not the most effeminate man ALIVE.”

“Darla, you’re a bad wig and a touch of mascara from being a full on drag queen on a butch day.”

“Yes, I get it, I’m a girl, eat your pizza.”

“Damn right you are,” Perry muttered, and continued to do just that. 

JD grabbed another beer for himself, but as he began to sit, a foot shot out to occupy his space. 

“What now?”

“They’re doing a piss poor job out there. Change seats with me.”

“Seriously?”

“Do you want to get kicked out?”

At this point the threat sounded half-hearted. For all his bluster, they were having a good time, easy banter tossed back and forth over pizza and booze. Perry had been planning to spend another evening alone, and while he might have fooled himself he preferred it, the half bottle of scotch warming his belly loosened his facade enough that he could admit, if only to himself, that he didn’t half mind the company. His eyes skated over to JD, settling himself into the warmth Perry had left, mouth wrapped around the neck of his beer, eyes staring off into nothing. He’d been lonely. Now he got a seat warmer and free pizza. It could be worse.

“It’s toasty over here. Like I’m being warmed in a Cox Oven.”

JD’s head tilted tellingly sideways as Perry groaned and threw another pillow at him.

“Alright, Mary Beth, that’s where I draw my line!”

A look of delighted mischief crossed his companion’s face.

“Pillow fight!”

“Wait, fuck, no, the game-”

His protests were cut off by a blunt fluffy force connecting with the side of his head and pushing him against the couch cushions. Damn it, he couldn’t take that lying down. It was on.

Game ignored, Perry launched a full scale feathery assault. Laughing, JD returned volley with his own attacks. They stood up and clashed together, pillows laying mighty blows, hockey game forgotten. JD ducked behind the couch for cover, striking out when his opponent peeked over the edge. Snarling, Perry slammed him with a displaced couch cushion. 

It was clear there was only one recourse if victory was what he hoped to achieve.

“EAGLE!” JD cried, and leaped through the air, tackling Perry over the arm of the couch and against the ajar cushions beneath. His eyes went wide as he went down, bowled over backwards into a soft and pillowy landing. Panting, shaking with laughter, JD beamed down at him.

“I win!” he crowed, and something about the moment, him perched on his chest, the unabashed joy, the rising heat from the exercise, the flushed faces and sparkling eyes, made Cox feel something. 

Not something for the first time. Feel is perhaps not the correct word. As he stared up into the joyous expression on his opponent’s face, he let himself acknowledge something he had been feeling for a while.

Fondness.

Percival Cox was fond of him.

In an instant, he felt it, recognized it, accepted it, and moved on. Fondness aside, victory in the hands of the enemy was unacceptable.

“You think so, huh, Sally Ann?” he murmured, panting himself, eyes half slits.

“Uh, yeah, I totally took your ass down.”

He scoffed, hands coming up to JD’s waist.

“Did not.”

“Did too!”

“Did not.”

JD’s breath caught as Perry’s hands squeezed.

“D. Did too.”

He smirked.

“Betcha can’t do it again.”

“Wh. What?”

Startled and off balance, it was easy enough for Perry to lean up, closer, lips nearly brushing against the curve of his cheek, and murmur, “I said. I bet. You can’t. Topple me. Again. Layla.”

JD froze.

“Um-”

Moving quickly, Perry flipped them over onto the floor, pinning him underneath. He grinned viciously.

“HA! I win. Now. Tell me who’s the greatest.”

JD grumbled, still taken off kilter.

“Newbie, don’t make me tickle you.”

“No!” JD squirmed underneath, trying to buck him off. It felt. Interesting.

“Then who’s the greatest?”

Pouting, he gave up the struggle. It was almost disappointing.

“You are.”

“And who can never be defeated?”

“You!”

“And who just kicked your girly little ass all over this living room?”

“I don’t know if I would put it like that, exactly, but-”

Perry brought his arms together to be held down with one hand, letting the other tease at the sensitive skin on his stomach. JD squealed and started squirming again.

“Fine! You did! You totally kicked my girly ass!”

“And that makes you?”

“.....Really thirsty?”

“Sally.“

JD sighed.

“Your bitch.”

“There’s my girl. Now, I’m not letting you up until you say ‘Doctor Cox, you’re the strongest, smartest, sexiest man alive, and I’m so, so lucky that I’m your bitch.’ Got that?”

“I’m not saying that!”

“Why not? It’s the truth. Not like you weren’t thinking it.”

“Can’t I just bark like a dog again?”

“MMmmmmmmnope! Not quite the level of humiliation I’m going for, sugar.”

“Fine! And then you’ll let me up?”

“Swear it on my father’s grave.”

JD grit his teeth.

“Doctor Cox.”

“Yessssssssss, Lacy?”

“You are the strongest. Smartest. S.”

“Say it.”

“Sexiest man alive.”

“God, it’s so good to hear the truth come out. Annnnnnnnd?”

JD gave a last token effort to release himself from his banded grip. Perry simply pressed down on his wrists.

“And I am so, so lucky to be your bitch. You asshole.”

Perry hummed thoughtfully.

“Gonna have to deduct points for the ad-libbing, there, Georgia, but overall a fine performance.”

“Now let me up!”

Perry grinned.

“Confession time, Samantha. I hate my father.”

“Wha-”

He was cut off by his mentor’s tongue in his mouth.

Oh.

Oh.

Well okay then.

Groaning, he opened his mouth wider to let him in deeper. He tasted like scotch and anchovies. It was the single most disgusting mixture JD could possibly think of. But his dick was still more than happy with the change of procedure. Pushing against his hands, he tried to press further into him, but even with the distraction Perry held firm.

Very firm, if what was rubbing against his thigh was any indication. Gasping, JD broke away for air, Cox’s lips chasing after, sliding across the corner of his mouth, his cheek, beneath his ear, down his throat, leaving small painful nips along the way that made JD’s skin tighten and burn.

“Is that your ego, or are you just happy to see me?” he choked out, giggling when Perry growled against his ear.

“Try stroking it and find out.”

“I w. Would love to, there, but I, uh, fuck.” Perry sucked a bruise into the base of his throat, half purring. “I can’t seem to get use of my hands.”

“Don’t need ‘em,” Perry muttered, nosing at his hairline while JD pressed kisses to his face, “Like you right where you are.”

“Perry,” JD whined, trying again to release his hands with futility, “Wanna touch you.”

A sharp bite tugged at the lobe of his ear.

“What’d I say about first names, there, sunshine?”

“But-”

He cut him off with his mouth. Perry quickly decided that this was his new favorite way of shutting him up.

“No first names for you.”

“Well, I am NOT calling you Big Dog when you make me come.”

“Is that what I’m gonna do, Beryl?”

“Come on, I’m already half way there!”

Snickering, Perry ground down hard. They both moaned harshly into each other’s skin.

“Ah, the enthusiasm of the young.”

“N-nnn. Not. Not that young. Jerk.”

“Your creative use of insults has clearly proven me wrong here.” Perry let the hand on his stomach palm JD through his jeans, the heel of his hand rubbing hard on the bulge underneath. “You’re not young. You’re a child.”

“What,” JD moaned as his hips thrust into his hand, “And you’re my Daddy or something?”

Perry froze.

JD bit his lip.

“Doctor Cox?”

He blinked.

“Doctor Cox, I’m sorry, I went too f-”

Definitely his favorite way to shut him up, he decided. Perry finally let go of his arms to tear at his pants. JD brought his hands down to help, only for a dark growl to let out until he brought them back over his head.

Snarling, he finally got them unbuttoned and unzipped, drug them down over JD’s thighs and off his body before pushing his own sweatpants down.

“That what you’re into? Huh?”

His hand wrapped firmly around JD’s dick, pulling him out of his boxers and stroking roughly.

“Don’t know why I’m surprised. Always following me around, daydreaming. This what you wanted?”

JD let out a small whimper at the rough handling.

“This it? Dumb new kid with big lost eyes. You just want Daddy to take care of you? Huh?” 

He stroked faster.

“Well? You gonna be a good girl? Tell me the truth,” he licked at his nipples, biting, “Or you’re getting punished. Can already tell you need a. Ha. A firm hand.”

JD’s teeth ground together as he tried to focus on anything but the building tension in his balls.

“Yes,” he hissed, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yessss, please, more. Daddy, please.”

“Good girl,” Perry crooned, “So good, asking so nice, making me proud of you, go ahead. Get the first one out of your system, princess. Because when I finally fuck you,” JD whined, “When I finally pound that ass like you always dreamed of, I want you to last more than five measly minutes.”

JD let out a small shriek when he came. Perry stopped to admire his handiwork, boxers and shirt now tacky with semen. His hand was a mess. He held it up, smeared it against JD’s face.

“Lick it.”

JD’s nose scrunched up but his tongue still slipped out, lapping away obediently.

“There ya go. Pretend it’s one of those suckers you’re always stealing from pediatrics. What kind of a sick fuck actually takes candy from babies?”

JD nipped at the webbing between his fingers, eyes alight with teasing.

“Oh, carry on.”

JD’s tongue swirled around his palm, between his fingers, tracing the lines on his hand and sucking it clean.

“There ya go, sweetheart. Just like that.”

He wrapped his lips around two of his fingers, suckling gently. Perry moaned at the sensation, thrust them deeper in.

“Ohhhhh, you’re giving me ideas, Kara. Look at you take it, huh?”

He slid in deeper, to the back of his throat.

“If I weren’t so hard up right now I might even take you up on that. But I have other plans.”

His fingers made a popping sound coming out of his mouth, and JD’s lips were slick with spit.

“I’m pretty good at it, you know.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. I got a lot of practice. You know, in college.”

“That the only thing you got practice in?”

JD laughed and shook his head.

“Don’t worry, baby. One of these days, I’ll sneak you into Kelso’s office and you can just go to town. My treat. But right now? Turn over and spread ‘em. I’m gonna go grab some lube.”

JD hesitated.

“Something wrong?”

“It’s just, uh. You know. I didn’t actually expect this, coming over. I didn’t really. You know. Prepare, or anything. And we just ate pizza. With anchovies. Could we. Maybe save that for another night?”

His eyes softened.

“Well, obviously. You’re gonna be coming over a lot more often now, anyways.”

“I am?”

“You are. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Newbie,” Perry gestured to the tv, “But my team won. I think you might be good luck, so we gotta recreate this. Every time.”

JD smirked.

“This exactly?”

“Well,” Perry grinned, “The spirit of it anyway. Now. If I’m not fucking you, and you’ve already gotten off once...”

“Pretend it’s a sucker I stole from a baby?”

“There’s Daddy’s girl.”

JD beamed.

Damn it, he really did look like a Disney princess.

Perry’d have to get him a tiara.

#jdox #scrubs #this is literally the dirtiest thing i have ever written and spoiler alert they don't even fuck #uhhhhh lemon i guess since that all got so weird #there's. yeah just. read it if you want to

[butchdaydreams]

1-99 :)

how tall are you?- I’m 5′6″ so I’m pretty average

what is your body type?- My body type is also pretty average I guess, I dont know a whole lot about body types

what is your favorite part about your body?- I have really pretty eyes and my smile is kinda lopsided but I like it all the same

is your current hair color your natural hair color?- Yes it is!

are you more outgoing or more shy?- I am very shy but I can learn to trust people

are you more femme or butch?- Well femme and butch aren’t a scale where you can be “more” of one or another. You either are one or you aren’t and thats all there is to it. But I’m a butch

are you tol or smol?- I’m smol at heart

wine mom or vodka aunt?- Neither, alcohol will kill me

weird habit?- I crack just about every joint in my body so I always sound like a human rice crispy treat

favorite meme?- Anything with dogs in it or those comic sans valentines sent at weird times of the year

do you sing in the shower?- I used to but I use a public shower now and I’ve fallen out of the habit

ever used a bow and arrow?- Yes, and I’m pretty good at it too

are/were you a theatre kid?- I was back in the day but I dropped it in high school so I could do orchestra and sports instead 

have you ever seen a broadway musical?- Yes, the last one I was was 4 or so years ago

do you think musicals are cheesy?- I think they can be but I don’t think that makes them bad

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?-I’ve gone to a couple because I’ve always lived near cities so they are pretty easy to get to

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?- Bees?

last movie you watched?-This really weird gay movie on netflix, I’m not even sure what it was about even though I just finished it like 20 minutes ago

behind the camera or in front of it?- Behind it all the way

favorite tv show?- Primeval

meaning behind your url- I’m a butch and I am all of your daydreams

reason you joined tumblr- I was a depressed kid 7 years ago who needed somewhere to go, and this is where I ended up

who’s your closest tumblr friend?- @kinkyfemmeprincess at the moment, but I dont think she knows it

what’s something most people love that you hate?- I eat an obscene amount of pickles on a daily basis

have you ever taken narcotics?- Yes and I’ve hated it every time

have you had sex?- Yes I have and thats where that ends

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?- I don’t think so, or if I have I’ve always been able to talk my way out of it

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?- I try not to lie so nothing really comes to mind

describe your passion without mentioning it.- They are small and cute and not real but also could kill you with a single glance most of the time

describe your best friend.- He’s smaller than I am so I have to protect him, and we love to antagonize one another but its the fun kind of antagonizing 

give us one thing about you that no one knows.-I run this blog because I am lonely and need that sweet sweet validation

how do you feel right now?- Kinda sad because I was way more into a girl than she was into me and now its over and I miss her

what is your biggest fear?- Being left behind or forgotten by those I care about

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?- Footloose

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?- I think going to school was a good choice because every good thing that has happened to me in the last three years has come from that choice

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?- Yeah, girls man. Sometimes you just can’t win

something you fantasize about.- I really want to own one of those little mini cows with the curly hair 

last time you cried and why- Last night as I had my final conversation with that girl I mentioned earlier

what was the last thing that made you laugh?- I went fossil hunting today and my friend fell on her butt in a creek

do you really, truly miss someone right now?- Yeah, yeah I do

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?- I think the boy I mentioned earlier, he is a good listener even if he can’t fix the problems

the last time you felt broken?- Whenever someone leaves me

are you starting to realize anything?- That maybe I expect too much from people and I need to learn to just accept what I’m given or I will be very lonely

are you more dominant or more submissive?- I’m dominant in the way that I am strictly a top but submissive in that I will do exactly what you ask me to because I want to see you happy

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)- You are willing to try and show me that you love and care for me

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?- I like people who aren’t more than two years older or younger than me

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.- I’ve never met them in person, but for a while she was the sweetest person I knew. She would talk to me and make me feel loved and special, but she lost interest as people do and it’s over now

do you have any kinks?- I love teasing and edging and overstimulation

first thing you notice in a person?- Their eyes, I love eyes 

how can someone win your heart?- Talk to me, listen to me, and let me know that you care about me

been rejected by a crush?- More times than I can count. One time I told a girl I liked her and she responded by saying that she didn’t like me back and was leaving the country for four years

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?- Again, more times than I could count

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?- No, because I want to respect her boundaries 

is trust a big issue for you?- Yes, it is hard for me to trust people and each time it is broken it gets a little harder

did you hang out with the person you like recently?- No, I didn’t get to meet her in person

is confidence cute?- Oh yes!

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?- I don’t say anything, I let it happen and walk away because who am I to take that away from them

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?- No, because I think  that laughing around another person is a huge part of a relationship

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?- Yes she does but that’s how it goes

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?- I trip over things a lot, and I mix up my words and drop things. I’m an all around mess when I like someone

do you want to get married?- I would love to, it is a dream of mine. I know this generation is trying to do away with marriage, but I like the idea a lot

worst thing you’ve ever done?- My ex wound up in the hospital for four days after she tried to kill herself when I broke up with her. She told me she would do it if we ever broke up months before we did, but I did it anyway knowing she would do it

three things that turn you on.- Looking at me with that determined look and knowing that you are getting what you want from me, trying to turn me on because you want me, and when all else fails, telling me that you are wet because you want me

who do you hate?- I don’t think I hate anyone. It is hard to make me mad and I am very forgiving

favorite term of endearment?- Stick the word “my” in front of any pet name and I will melt

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?- When Hayley Kiyoko played Velma in that live action scooby doo movie

intimidating girls or kind girls?- Kindness is the way to my heart

what do you look for in a possible partner?- I look for someone who I could trust to be able to help me look after any kids we had together with out holding any resentment if we were to ever get divorced

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?- I like people on the feminine or androgynous side of things

are you good at flirting?- I don’t think so but I also know that some people find that to be endearing 

who was the first person you came out to?- My friend Emily, I wanted advice on asking a girl to prom and then more advice on how to get over the rejection 

do you have any friends who are wlw?- Most of my friends are gay in some way because straight people are stupid

is your crush wlw?- Yes

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?- No one, I am a die hard lesbian and would not touch a man with a 12 foot pole even if I was paid

write a short love poem to your crush/self? Roses are red/ violets are blue/ if you don’t talk to me/ then I wont put in the effort for you

do you fall in love easily?- Far, far too easily

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?- The whole situation with my ex

are you good at hiding your feelings?- I’d say so. People think they can tell, but thats when I’m putting on the act of hiding my feelings while still hoping that they notice

are you a forgiving person?- I am a very forgiving person and it has gotten me into trouble more than once

what is your “type?”- Soft, caring, enthusiastic girls

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?- I typically hold her, but every once in a while even a butch needs to be held

tall girls or short girls?- I’m 5′6″, so I can appreciate both girls who are taller and shorter. I think I would go with shorter

hugs or kisses?- Kisses!!! Kiss me!!!! Please!!!

twirl her around or get twirled?- I get buff so I can pick up my wife one day

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?- Thighs

hairline kisses or neck kisses?-Neck

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?- Play with her hair because tummies are often ticklish 

making out or soft kisses?- Soft kisses that lead to making out

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?- Also neck

how confident are you in your sexuality?- I am confident that I am a lesbian, but not to confident to proclaim it to the homophobic town I live in 

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?- Oof, I get both. So much it feels like I can’t breathe sometimes

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?- I believe in being honest, so I have told everyone that I have liked that I am into them

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?- 7th grade, but I denied it to myself until 10th grade

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?- I walk into a lot of things while staring at girls or my phone screen

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?- This is lame, but Korra and Asami from the Avatar series

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?- Anything that even implies that I should give men a shot or be more open to men

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?- Just a couple of days ago, before you stopped talking to me

what is love to you?- Love its more than that feeling of butterflies. It’s seeing when they are struggling, and its helping them even when you are struggling too. Its a choice you make to stay faithful and remember them, it’s the choice you make to go just a little bit out of your way to make their life better. It’s choosing to loose an argument where you can prove that you are right with sources because you hate seeing them mad. Love is how you care for someone even when it hurts. Love is putting them first in everything you do

#ask

[sizzleitupwithmaria]

the challenge is on, foolish mortal

1. how tall are you?

5 feet 7 inches

2. what is your body type?

i’m shaped like an hourglass but i’m also a lil chubby

3. what is your favorite part about your body?

i occasionally like my face and this is a little bit weird but i have pretty good tits

4. is your current hair color your natural hair color?

yep!

5. are you more outgoing or more shy

dude i’m shy af

6. are you more femme or butch?

i’m a pretty solid futch

7. are you tol or smol?

i’m tol bitch!!

8. wine mom or vodka aunt?

i feel like i’m a vodka aunt, but i’m also 14 and don’t commit crimes

9. weird habit?

i stick my tongue out whenever i’m super focused and i used to be really self conscious about it

10. favorite meme?

my current favorite is the shen yun memes but i don’t have an all time favorite

11. do you sing in the shower?

no bc the bathroom is right next to my parent’s bedroom :):):)

12. ever used a bow and arrow?

yeah i was in girl scouts for a while

13. are you/were you a theater kid?

see basically all of my vent posts and you’ll find the answer (i’m in a weird relationship with theater right now, but we’ll have to see how sophomore year turns out)

14. have you ever seen a broadway musical?

yeah!! i’m also seeing another one in 112 days lol

15. do you think musicals are cheesy?

some are, but that doesn’t make them bad

16. have you ever been part of a protest or a march?

yeah, i went to march for our lives last year!!

17. favorite cards against humanity card?

i don’t actually own or play CAH, but i like “Bees.”

18. last movie you watched?

newsies, but that was only to grab screenshots lol (maura will know)

19. behind the camera or in front of it?

both!!

20. favorite tv show?

uhhhhh frasier? 

21. meaning behind your url

sizzle it up with taako is a taz reference

22. reason you joined tumblr

i have no fucking idea bc it was so long ago

23. who’s your closest tumblr friend?

i’d say @baura-bear but i’ve also known her irl for 8 years? i don’t actually have any purely tumblr friends, feel free to hmu

24. what’s something most people love that you hate?

most foods

25. have you ever taken narcotics?

considering that i had to look up what that meant, the answer is no

26. have you ever had sex?

i’m 14

27. have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or anything bad?

nope, i lead a pretty boring life (i’d actually sneak out quite often if my bedroom wasn’t on the second floor)

28. worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?

i’ve told my dad that i love him before

29. describe your passion without mentioning it.

i’m currently at a crossroads with it and it’s pretty stressful for me rn but i’m committed to getting better and not crying daily over it

30. describe your best friend

i don’t actually think i have a solid enough relationship with anyone to have a best friend lol

31. give us one thing about you that no one knows

OH UHHHH i pop my acne?? that might be obvious if you look at my face tho

32. how do you feel right now?

pretty solid, i have a little bit of a headache and i’m a bit sad but i’m doing okay

33. what is your biggest fear?

failure, but that’s probably just bc i set so high expectations for myself lol

34. what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

breakfast in america by supertramp

35. what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?

maybe quitting band and strings in 5th grade or quitting track

36. have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?

OH YEAH but we’re not gonna talk about that right now

37. something you fantasize about

i always dream of living in a tiny nyc apartment with a beautiful wife and working at some nondescript company and shopping in my free time

38. last time you cried and why

??? i actually don’t know. i nearly cried last night bc my dad was nearly yelling at me, we’re not gonna get into that though

39. what was the last thing that made you laugh?

i put a stupid snapchat filter on my face

40. do you really, truly miss someone right now?

yeah

41. who do you feel most comfortable talking about anything with?

my own self?? i have trust issues lol

42. the last time you felt broken?

maybe this morning just bc i had a weird dream and was processing it lol

43. are you starting to realize anything?

yeah

44. are you more dom or sub?

sub, but just in general, i haven’t ever had sex

45. i’ll only date you if _____

you’re a woman? i don’t have many standards lol

46. do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?

okay this question is probably geared more towards adults but as a freshman, i’m fine with dating sophomores and juniors, and maybe 8th graders?? that’s a little iffy though

47. describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail

ummm i’m not sure if it’s a crush anymore but she’s tall, skinny, had black hair that she dyes often but it never shows, she dresses similar to me, she’s a photographer, and i think she might be into me :/

48. do you have any kinks?

yes but i’ll never tell anybody even if they paid me money

49. first thing you notice in a person?

uhhh their outfit?

50. how can someone win your heart?

by loving me a lot and dealing with my weird personality

51. been rejected by a crush?

i’ve only asked a crush out once and that went pretty well so no

52. have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?

yes, who hasn’t?

53. would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

nope

54. is trust a big issue for you?

is the sky blue?

55. did you hang out with the person you like recently?

nope, we’ve been meaning to for a while though

56. is confidence cute?

sometimes, just don’t be weird to other people

57. what would you say if the person you like kissed another person?

i wouldn’t care LMAO

58. would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

probably not

59. does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?

maybe?? my interactions with her have been a blur lmao

60. ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

oh yeah

61. do you want to get married?

yes, but purely to flex the fact that i can get gay married

62. worst thing you’ve ever done?

idk probably self harmed

63. three things that turn you on

1. women

2. women

3. women

64. who do you hate?

nobody, really

65. favorite term of endearment?

sweetheart/love GET ME EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! if i ever write some romance y’all will see

66. who was your gay awakening?

idk if you count this as a gay awakening but once when i was like four i said to my dad “if i could marry anyone, i’d marry sarah” (one of my friends) (holy shit i just got kind of sad remembering her i liked her a lot and she had a cool family i need to see if she has an ig)

67. intimidating girls or kind girls?

both at the same time

68. what do you look for in a possible partner

women

69. do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?

tbh the only styles that are off the table for me are hyper masculine and hyper feminine, anyone else is great

70. are you good at flirting?

i don’t have the confidence to flirt lol

71. who was the first person you came out to?

my friends ellie and lilli, at the same time, on accident

72. do you have any friends who are wlw?

the question is do i have friends that aren’t wlw 

73. is your crush wlw?

i believe so

74. last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?

this one junior boy who.... oh boy... he’s not hot at all but he’s so nice to literally everyone

75. write a short love poem to your crush/self?

i don’t feel like i’m attached enough to my crush to write a poem to them

76. do you fall in love easily?

i think so

77. is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

yeah

78. are you good at hiding your feelings?

oh hell yeah, at least i think so

79. are you a forgiving person?

depends on what the person did

80. what is your type?

i don’t really have one? being taller than me is nice

81. fall asleep in her arms or tub her back until she falls asleep in yours?

both, with a preference for the first one

82. tall girls or short girls?

TOL

83. hugs or kisses

both, especially at the same time

84. twirl her around or get twirled?

both!!

85. tummy kisses or thigh kisses?

tummy!! thigh kisses are a bit too close to the pussy for my taste

86. hairline kisses or neck kisses?

hairline

87. play with her hair or stroke her tummy?

both!!!!!!!!!

88. making our or soft kisses

soft kisses

89. hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?

both, it just depends on the situation

90. how confident are you in your sexuality?

probably 80%

91. when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?

idk if i ever blush but i have to REALLY like someone to get butterflies

92. have you ever likes a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?

i have multiple times but i’ve only told someone once

93. how old were you when you realized you were into girls?

11 or 12

94. most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?

idk, i tend to forget those things

95. do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?

i honestly don’t ship many lesbians lmao. can i count my own ocs? bc julia and emily are great

96. what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?

i don’t think i’ve actually had anything negative said about my sexuality directly to me, so i’m a bit lucky

97. when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?

i honestly have no idea

98. what is love to you?

when we make each other happy

99. ask me anything

i mean my ask is always open if anyone wants to do this

thanks for listening to me be super gay and sad for a little bit

#:)

[yrbutchgf]

I have to do an essay for my Media class and I have hit a writer’s block. If you would like you can answer any of these. How do you feel about the way LGBT people are portrayed in the media? How has the increase in representation (or lack of) affected you? How do you feel when you see people like yourself in the media? If you saw Love Simon, how do you feel that movie impacted you? Do you have any stories about when you saw it? Any other thoughts on LGBT representatio in any form of media?

I’d love to! This sounds like a really interesting paper btw, if you decide to put it online anywhere please link me to it! My answers got long, so they’re below the cut.

1. How do you feel about the way LGBT people are portrayed in the media? How has the increase in representation (or lack of) affected you? How do you feel when you see people like yourself in the media?    Honestly, I don’t see myself in media at all. Like, at all. I’ve seen some lesbians in media, but never any butches. Never any stories that really revolve around gender nonconformity in general either. At the same time, I do really love the direction modern media is taking with respect to portraying LGBT people in a general way. Love, Simon and Moonlight are both wonderful, and they show the way that LGBT media is diversifying. LGBT media is no longer all artsy movies with weird, trippy plots and questionable age gaps in relationships – now we get some feel-good romcoms that deal with coming out, some dramatic films about coming out and how an LGBT identity can intersect with a racial identity… obviously there’s very few of these movies that are very broadly known, but the fact that they’re starting to gain notoriety says a lot.     I don’t really love how a lot of TV shows are handling LGBT identities right now. Thinks like V/oltron and similar cartoon shows are clearly q*eer-baiting and it’s so insidious to see it happen in things like that because, like, it’s for little kids – god knows what amount of younger LGBT kids felt their hearts break when they found out about the one of two canon gay characters in the show’s fate. At the same time, though I don’t think it’s perfect, I do love how much representation Steven Universe has given us – the first children’s television show to show a lesbian wedding! Incredible.     San Junipero, from Black Mirror, is also very important to me. That’s the first thing of anything I’ve ever seen that focused on a romance between two women. Not only that, but both characters were complex, and it included romance of both a bisexual woman and a lesbian in love. I loved the nuance in the romance and the way they conflicted and contrasted over Kelly’s late husband, and the fact that all of this was happening in a sci-fi universe…everything about it just made my heart sing. Black Mirror is a gift, and it’s one of the few things I can think of that really showed a romance between two women realistically, respectfully and tenderly.      There’s also podcasts like The Adventure Zone, video games of everything from Stardew Valley to Fallout 4 (apparently there’s a lesbian couple in the game, I found this out a few days ago!), but those I think fall into a different category for me because they’ve a lot less cultural influence than movies and TV shows. In all forms of media we have a long way to go in displaying diverse LGBT experiences, ESPECIALLY with respect to gender nonconformity, lesbians and trans people in general, and with LGBT people of color too. But – there’s been a lot more in the past few years, and it does warm my heart.

2. If you saw Love, Simon, how do you feel that movie impacted you? Do you have any stories about when you saw it?      A friend of mine, his name is Pat, is the only gay guy in the entire town that I know to be completely out of the closet. He and I started talking after we had a culinary class together, and we – me, him, and a bisexual friend of mine – decided to go see Love, Simon in theaters last year when it first came out. All three of us had read the book and loved it.      I remember feeling really touched by the coming out scene. I’d never had an experience like Simon’s because, thank God, my family and friends are all very open-minded, accepting (and many of them, LGBT) people – but I could still relate to it a lot. Coming out in a car was one of the big things for me. I’ve come out three times in a car. Something about it. Maybe the fact that you’ll escape the situation soon if it gets awkward anyway. But also, the order that he came out to people in, too, the fact that he started with a new friend and worked back to people he’d known for a long time…it was really well-written in that respect.      I remember Pat sobbing next to me for most of the movie, especially when Simon came out to his mother. Pat’s family wasn’t as accepting of him for a while when he first came out, and I think it just really hit home for him. (He also had a thing for the guy that played Simon, so. I mean, I kinda liked Blue more, but I get the appeal.)      At the end of the movie, people started clapping for such a long time…at several points during the movie people would turn around and show Pat that they were crying, too. I remember a lot of friends of mine being in that movie theater just by chance, all of us deciding to see it on opening night, none of us coordinating it, but we all just happened to be in that movie theater together, all in one row, experiencing it at the same time. It felt so communal in a way that my area rarely has happen. But even people who didn’t know each other started talking at the theater as we sat down. People saying they brought tissues, they brought tea, things like that. My area isn’t really the type of area just to strike up conversation. We don’t do that. Love, Simon made us do that.      Pat went and saw that movie I think four more times. He’s a doll, and I’m so happy to know him.

3. Any other thoughts on LGBT representation in any form of media?      One of the things that frustrates me a lot in conversations of LGBT representation, and especially with lesbian representation, is people often saying that butch lesbians are somehow “over-represented” in media. I’ve never experienced that. I’ve never experienced so many butches in media that I didn’t know what to do with them. I remember making a lot of my own representation; I wrote several stories before I knew I was butch with a masculine lesbian as the lead. But that was self projection. Somehow, even though nearly every piece of lesbian representation is skewed toward male consumption (overly sexualized kisses, voyeuristic poses, the tenderness bleached out and replaced with headiness) and nearly every lesbian in media is feminine – despite all this, and despite the fact that I have yet to find a single movie or TV show about a butch lesbian character – despite this, people always tell me that butches are over-represented. I don’t know where they’re looking. I would love to live in the world they live in, where people like me are commonplace. I think we need to push to get GNC and trans individuals shown more in media. We need to get leads, we need to get romances, we need to show that we can have stories that aren’t all avant garde as shit!      The other thing we need to do is diversify our acting pool. Moonlight is, I think, the only movie I can think of that focuses on black gay men, and solely black gay men. I actually don’t know of any others off the top of my head. That’s a problem! I definitely couldn’t name any movies about black trans people, certainly not about a black trans woman, or a black trans lesbian – it just isn’t a thing we make a lot of, which is really just the intersection in lesbo/homo/bi/transphobia and racism manifest in a visual form. But it’s a problem we need to deal with.

I rambled a lot. I hope this is coherent and makes sense and stuff? Let me know if you have anything you want clarity on or something or any follow-up questions. Good luck on your paper!

#asks #arabella-31 #arabella 31 #representation #save

[immawritethat]

In the Summer’s Heat

Hello! This story is written in some-what accompaniment with The Price of Heroism, as both are prequel works to my project With the Assist!

WARNINGS: Swearing (a lot of swearing), infidelity, gun mentions, child abuse, alcohol mention, high fever, runaway teenagers, and miscarriage mention.

Length: 7494 words

It hadn’t been a bad day at all. The weather wasn’t too shitty, even though it was kind of humid, and Andi managed to get through finals without wanting to blow her brains out. Her mother had been so excited about her ultrasound that she hadn’t started the morning out by falling victim to a long lecture that began somewhere along the lines of “Andrea Margherita Rossi Bianchi, you are nearly sixteen years old and have no excuse not to do your own dishes!” (Which she did, of course. There was a WNBA match she had to watch more than anything) Now with her parents gone and no homework to ignore, Andi had little to do but dirty up some more dishes and relax. The field hockey try-outs wouldn’t start up until August, which meant she was free to eat garbage and kick her feet up. Well, as long as her parents didn’t see.

With a shit-eating grin on her face, Andi spared no time getting into little more than a sports bra that didn’t smell like the asshole of an oversized chimp and a pair sweatpants that were arguably a size too big, but would cling to her hips if she tied the drawstring tight enough. She sat on the same, shit brown, overstuffed couch that her family had owned back when they had little more than a cramped two bedroom apartment when she was a kid. While Dad now made enough money that they could afford a way less shitty apartment and new furniture, for some reason he never wanted to part with the damn thing. She’d assumed there was a sentimental value in it somewhere, but she didn’t want to find out if it was in any sort of sexual way so she never asked.

As just was her luck, mere minutes after settling herself splayed out across the couch with a bag of off-brand potato chips and a bottle of water—sports top only—loud pounding filtered through the room from the door. She scowled, turning the volume up on the TV. Sure, there was no game on right now and the only thing interesting on were re-runs of movies and war documentaries she’d already seen half a million times, but there was no way in fucking hell she wanted to get up and answer it. She wasn’t expecting anyone, so no one should have been at the damn door. The pounding didn’t seem to receive her telepathic messages to shut the hell up and fuck off, so Andi finally pushed herself off the couch and stalked towards the door—which wasn’t really a far walk anyway, but she hated to do more than she had to.

She threw the door open, preparing her usual speech—no we’re not buying anything, we’re already Catholics, I don’t give a damn about your candidate, there’s a Ruger in the next room if you don’t go away already—but that flew from her mind as she had to catch a fist from smacking her straight in the face. Throwing the fist back, Andi hardly had time to pay any attention to the woman in front of her before she snapped.

          “What the hell was that? Do you have fucking eyes?” She growled, swinging the door closed. The woman stuck her foot in the way before it could shut. She stared at Andi with wild eyes, like that of a wounded animal.

          “Please, listen to me! Gabriel. I need to speak to Gabriel.”

Andi bristled at the mention of her father’s name. She didn’t want to know who the hell this crazy bitch was. Or why she knew her dad and where he lived. Why she would have the gall to come to their apartment and beg for him. Nothing good could come out of it and things were finally good. After the fighting and the miscarriage and Andi’s school problems, things were finally almost like a normal fucking family. She wasn’t going to give it up.

But she couldn’t help herself.

          “And just who the hell are you?” The teen asked, neither opening nor closing the door any further. She hung on the doorframe, gripping it for dear life. She hadn’t really been able to recall a time she’d been afraid before now, hadn’t been able to recall a time where she sincerely sent a prayer to the man upstairs from her own free will.

          “Jacklyn, it’s Jackie. Go get Gabriel, he knows who I am.” Her speech was panicked, each word slipping into the next as though each passing second were more urgent. “You need to get him for me.”

Andi wrinkled her nose, a familiar scent wafting off the woman’s breath.

          “Ohmygod, are you wasted?” She gaped, eager to shut the door on this encounter. If she were just drunk, there couldn’t have been anything to it. Or at least anything that wouldn’t drive her crazy enough to want to stab her own goddamn eyes out. “You need to go. Take a cab or whatever, but you can’t be here. Leave me and my family alone.”

The woman burst into tears, reaching into her handbag. Andi could feel the sweat beading at her forehead, reaching her own hand back. She wished she had the foresight to bring the Ruger along with her, or hadn’t been a dumbass and would’ve closed the door already. Echoes of distant gunshot rang out in her memory, back when they had lived in a shittier neighborhood in a shittier town.

But rather than a weapon, the woman held up a creased and crumpled photo. A young girl grinned up at her, probably no more than four or five years old. She seemed just as annoyingly vivacious as any other kid her age—smiling as if there was nothing but rainbows and sunshine in the world, her hair hideously chopped off in sections likely by her own hand. She wore a bright yellow t-shirt sprinkled with black polka dots, which was miraculously unstained—probably newly put on.

          “Please,” the woman begged, shoving the photo closer. “My daughter. Our daughter, Evie. She’s…she’s sick. My job isn’t covering the bills, but she needs help. I need money, I need, I need…He needs to…!”

The woman began sobbing, burying her face in her hands, words incomprehensible through hiccoughs. Andi stared, discomfort stuffed in every molecule of her body. She stepped back, staring at the woman broken down on her doorstep. Her daughter was seriously ill, and she was drunk and she was desperate. She had said our daughter after begging to see her father.

She couldn’t do this.

          “You need to go…” Andi muttered, getting the woman’s attention. Her chest burned as she looked at the tearstains on the woman’s face. She repeated herself, more assured this time. “You need to go or I’m calling the cops. There’s no Gabriel here.”

She slammed the door closed, wincing as the harsh sound filled the room. Shame washed over her as she staggered back towards the couch. She was always an asshole, but this was a different sort of low. Staring blankly at the TV, she felt nothing but guilt gnawing at her insides.

For once, she was actually looking forward to her next confessional.

As the day wore on, Andi failed to push the scene out of her mind. Her usual distractors were useless. Food brought no taste. Her attention span was short lived, flipping from one channel to the next, one device to the next, one game to the next without interest. The sounds were nothing but static blur; the video not receiving in her mind as anything but a wash of dull color against some shitty, worn out canvas. She almost considered praying to pass the time and clear her conscience, but the words wouldn’t come.

She sat for an eternity, running her thumb along the edges of her rosary, the same thought coursing through her mind again and again. She needed to know the truth. She needed to know how and where and why. Her father had plenty of unappealing colors—ranging from the sickly yellow to the broken purple of a molting bruise— but she hadn’t expected this. At least, never on this level.

At some point, she locked herself in her bedroom, sinking into her mattress and staring at a tasteless popcorn ceiling. She stayed there, somewhere between sleep and consciousness, until she heard the front door slam closed. The miniscule bit of common sense warned her to stay inside, and forget the whole thing.

But, as usual, her impulse won out.

 Andi crept into the hall, trying not to wince as she spotted her father rifling through a stack of mail. There was nothing different about him. He was in the same old band t-shirt and jeans he had left in earlier, and he still wore his near permanent scowl—something Andi herself had inherited. He looked up at the sound of her footsteps, nodding at her in acknowledgement.

           “Did you see the sun today?” He asked rather than greeting. Andi knew she was being weird, especially when she only replied with an honest no rather than some roundabout joke or insult like usual. Her gaze washed over the room, although it looked the same as she had left it.

           “Where’s Mom?” She asked, picking at the dirt underneath her fingernails. Her father looked up at her with a frown, trying to determine what was wrong.

           “She went to pick up some groceries for dinner. Why? Is it a…” He waved his hand in the air as he searched for the word. “You know, a lady thing?”

           “It’s a kind of lady thing. But not like a vagina thing, like, a person thing,” Andi mumbled. Her father quirked an eyebrow upwards, his expression an amalgam of disappointment and confusion.

           “So you were serious about that dyke thing, then? What, you want dating tips from your old man instead? Your ma don’t know too much about snagging a woman the way I do. Sure, she is one, but wooing them is different.”

Andi tried not to snap that her bisexuality was not at all the same as being a butch lesbian, instead focusing on the fact that he had left her a perfect segue. She had to approach it calmly, and collect herself. She could handle her temper just this one time. She had done fairly well so far. Frankly, she deserved a damn prize for it.

           “Yeah, well, I sure as hell know you can do that fuckin’ fine,” she sneered, gaze off to the ground. Her face slowly flushed as she realized she had only escalated an already difficult situation, but she couldn’t turn back now.

           “Excuse me?” He gaped, folding his arms across his chest, no doubt giving his trademark disappointed glower. “You want to run that by me again, Andrea Margherita?”

Andi swallowed the reservation burning in her gut, trying to dismiss memories associated of having her ass handed to her as a child soon after that phrase. She was in high school, for Christ’s sake, and she had something important to say. She’d never sleep soundly again if she never addressed this, and if she didn’t bring it up now, there would be no time.

           “A woman came by while you were gone,” Andi’s words were clipped as she spoke. She forced herself to stare her father in the eye, fire burning in her own. “Some Jessica or Jacklyn or something. She asked for you—by name—and said her—your— daughter needed more money. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, now would you, Dad?”

She didn’t need a word to know it was true. His jaw fell slack like a marionette’s, waiting for a puppeteer to provide him with a convincing act. His dark eyes were wide, as if he were free-falling off the crest of a cliff side with nothing to cling to and nothing to slow his descent. She blinked back the tears that burned in her eyes, disgust churning in her stomach. She wanted to say so much—how she hated him, how could he?, why hadn’t he just divorced her mother years ago?, how he managed to live with himself knowing he had another family on the side. She wanted to spit on his face and take her mother and never see him again for the rest of her life, but she couldn’t even find it in herself to say “fuck you.”

Her father recovered far faster. A stinging pain blossomed against Andi’s cheek, sending sparks in her vision. Closing the distance between them, he gripped onto her jaw, pushing her against the counter. His temper, much like hers, was short and explosive, but she had never seen him this livid. Veins throbbed from his neck as he gripped tighter until Andi whimpered from the pain. Fear fluttered through her chest as she found herself unable to look away from his face.

           “You’re not gonna say a fucking word or your ass is out on the street. I’m not fucking around, I’m a hundred-fucking-percent serious. I’ve finally worked out a decent goddamn life for us, and you want to throw it away? It’s not going to happen. You’re almost out of school anyway, and your mother and I can start all over again. Your brother wouldn’t even have to know he isn’t the only one.” He growled down at her, inches from her face. Andi’s breath was ragged, but she refused to let herself cry. “Of course, if you tell her, he may not even turn out right. The stress can literally kill the bastard, or at least fuck him and your mother up. You don’t want to do that to her, especially after what happened the last time.”

Andi winced, a combination of the pain and the memory. She had been about five years old, but she hadn’t ever felt more alone in her life when it happened. She’d hardly understood what a pregnancy was, and she certainly didn’t understand where the baby had went and why her mother had been so sad. She spent the first few months of kindergarten just causing trouble because otherwise her mom hardly looked at her, and her dad spent time working late or going out drinking. Her household had always been broken, but it seemed all but irreparable then. It had seemed like a miracle that things had smoothed out now, and even more that her mother had finally conceived again.

If she ever learned about this…

Andi glared at her father through tears, clutching the hand that gripped onto her. He was right. The traitorous, cheating bastard he was. She couldn’t tell. She dug her nails into his hand, but he didn’t give any indication that he felt a thing. She choked on a sob, grinding her back molars.

           “Fine. Let me go,” she demanded. “She won’t know. I promise, just let me—”

Andi didn’t finish her request before he released her jaw, slapping the side of her head. She followed the motion, trying not to let her neck get tweaked. She winced, but stepped out of his reach as soon as she could. She had never hated anyone so much and done nothing. By now, she would’ve gone apeshit on any other person, either making them bleed or bleeding herself. Glowering, she stalked her way towards her bedroom, which she had never been more thankful was in the back of the house where she could hardly hear anything.

           “Not a damn word or else! You hear me?” Her father called after her. She slammed the door shut, the frame shaking as violently as she was. She turned the lock with no satisfaction. She looked around her bedroom, practically twitching with the urge to shatter or smash something. It had been nearly a year since she had been this angry—back when she had heard Officer Fakhoury had been sacked from the department—and the only way she handled that was by kicking the crap out of a punching bag at the gym for the next week. There was no way that she’d be able to live here and look at his face every day knowing he was nothing more than human garbage. She was never good at hiding her emotions, so her mother would know something was up. There was no way in hell that just running down to the church and confessing would get this off her mind.

Something snapped inside Andi. She dove for her backpack and dufflebag, shoving practically everything her eyes came in contact with. She didn’t have to stay here. Fuck him. He couldn’t threaten her like that. He didn’t get to hit her and leave her dangling like some bug caught in a web. She’d keep his stupid secret, but she was going to do it on her terms. It wasn’t like she hadn’t slipped out the fire escape a million times. It would be just a little permanent. She knew where plenty of women’s shelters were if she needed, thanks to a project she couldn’t have avoided even if she wanted to, and she was pretty sure she could just drop out of school soon enough and things would be fine.

Hell, she would have moved in with Officer Fakhoury if she wasn’t such a law-abiding tight ass who would probably just ship her right back home. Plus, she had hardly spoken to the woman since she was fired. She didn’t know what she was up to anymore, although she hadn’t really cared to ask, either, which made her feel like shit. At this point, it was a little too late to just shoot her a text and ask how things were after being turned into a scapegoat and having her face fucked up with burn scars. She sure hoped her husband was being supportive about it, or she’d have to kick his ass.

Andi did a quick once over of her things—a few pairs of clothes, a second pair of shoes, her wallet, a blanket, and snacks. She eyed her phone charger warily. She may have been impulsive, but she wasn’t dumb. They could track her phone and she’d be screwed. But she wasn’t sure what she’d really do without it. Sure, school was out for the summer, but people expected to keep in contact with her. And she sure as hell didn’t own a watch in this day and age. With resignation, she turned it off and shoved both it and the charger in the bag. She’d save it for emergencies. Snatching her laptop off the desk, she quickly tossed that inside as well. She’d use that first for contact. Twitter DMs worked just as well as a text ever did, and a Starbucks was never hard to find.

Throwing open the window, Andi hopped out without hesitation.

Fuck him. Fuck it all. He could pretend his sin didn’t exist; he could pretend nothing was wrong in their world and they were the happy little family they had always wanted to be.

There was no way in hell she was going to do it alongside him.

Days later, Andi stumbled through the city, head stuffed like an oversized pillow. Just her luck, her immune system had decided to take a vacation when she needed it most. She’d slept like shit, eaten like shit, and now she felt like shit. At least the slap in the face hadn’t left any long lasting mark—although the welt had been useful long enough that the shelter let her in without much question or proof. But being a minor, they wouldn’t let her stay past the first night. Some sort of legal issue, apparently. Andi thought it was bullshit. Plenty of kids went through far worse, and they needed a mother to stay, when half the time the mother was part of the problem?

God, she hated all adults.

She had spent the past few nights bouncing between different homeless shelters, no longer bothering to be honest. She was more than grateful for the fake ID she and her friends had made to sneak into an eighteen plus hard rock concert a few months before. Sure, her parents had found out and she had been in major trouble, but they never did manage to find and confiscate the ID. It’s not like she’d wanted to do anything that illegal, like binge drink until she was shit-faced stupid. She’d seen enough of her dad becoming a total dick after drinking that she didn’t want to try that in any lifetime.

She spent some time in the church they used to go to, back before her dad had some sort of petty-ass argument with some of the congregation. She only vaguely recalled what it was, since she spent half the sermons sleeping and the rest trying not to be mentally present. It had been especially fun when the local state vote for gay marriage was on the up and coming. Although, she didn’t expect much out of a bunch of Catholics. They were a bit more fire and brimstone and far less love thy neighbor in her experience. She knew that she was at least kind of welcome, and it felt weird to be constantly lying, have nowhere to go, and a million secrets without going to confession.

There were a lot of things she hated about church, but she did enjoy the catharsis of confession. She didn’t really think her sins were being forgiven, but she could at least purge what was weighing down on her. But she couldn’t spend all her time in church, nor did she want to. The Starbucks was a nice hangout, a clean bathroom, although she felt guilty not ordering anything. Things were so damn overpriced that it made her realize how much she really hated capitalism, too. And most isms. And everything. But she hated her father more than any of those things, so she’d shell out for a cake-pop or some tea. The public parks were nice, but loud and the library air conditioned, but stuck up. Not to mention she had late fees up the ass and no way did she intend on paying them now.

It was tempting, though. She was sweating like a pig, even though the sun had fallen below the cityscape, shrouding the streets in shadow. Her throat burned and ached from the inside out, as though she had spent the day sipping on Molotov cocktails instead of a Big Gulp. Sweat stuck to her forehead and the base of her neck, threatening to drip down her spine. She had pulled off her coat by now, but things weren’t any better. She would’ve sworn she was burning from the inside out if she hadn’t known any better.

Andi gripped onto her backpack, gritting her teeth as she trudged on. She couldn’t let it be obvious she was off her game. She may have been stupid enough to spend her day on the streets, but she sure as hell wasn’t dumb enough to spend the nights on them. There wouldn’t be a morning if she did. Or, if there was, it would be in a broken, bloody world she despised even more that before.

It was only a few more blocks, but with the streets swollen with traffic, she wouldn’t be able to make it back on time. She couldn’t spend the night on the street. She wouldn’t. And she wouldn’t crawl back home either.

Andi took in a breath, poised to make one of the stupidest fucking decisions of her life. Even going into it, she knew it was a shit plan. Turning the corner, she made a beeline for the alleyway.

It was dank and dark and smelled of boiled piss—which she had been expected but didn’t stop her from retching as she hurried along. Step after step, she told herself. She only needed to keep walking. She needed to. Sweat rolled down the side of her forehead, even though she wasn’t exerting herself any harder than before. Breath came out in burning huffs, dragon’s smoke spewing from her lungs. Andi’s legs shook, leaving her with staggered, drunken steps.

She brushed against the wall, arm hitting brick with loud scrape. She hissed in pain. It was just a stupid headcold. What was her issue? Her eyelids seared when she blinked, her vision freckled with black spots.

She was dying. She must have been fucking dying. Alone. In an alleyway. Like some stupid addict. Her legs gave out from underneath, liquid she didn’t want identified splashing at her face. Andi moaned from the pain and discomfort, pressing her lower body upward with what strength she still had.

           “Someone…” she murmured, almost inaudible to her own ears. “I need help…” Molten tears pricked at her eyes, spilling down her cheeks. She sniffled, breath shuddering with a weak wheeze.

           “Someone help me! Please!” She cried out in desperation. She wasn’t supposed to die this way. She wasn’t supposed to die this young. What a stupid, stupid bitch, getting herself into this mess. Loathing burned at her throat, mingling with the raw ache of her throat as she shouted. As she paused for a breath, she could make out the tail end of a sentence.

           “…hear something?”

Relief dripped into Andi’s heart. Maybe there was a God out there on her side after all.

           “Please,” she begged, a frail, meek sound that made her sick.

           “Yo, man, you’ve gotta check that shit out. I said no fuckin’ witnesses, and I meant it.” A gruff voice hissed to no one she could see.

Oh God.

She wasn’t a witness, she wasn’t, she swore she wasn’t. She’d never say a word, anyway. No names, no faces, no details. She couldn’t snitch anyway because she couldn’t risk going to the police anyway. They’d send her back home. Andi curled into herself, squeezing her eyes shut. This had to be a nightmare. The whole endeavor was a nightmare. She’d wake up from this insane fever dream any minute now. She always woke up before anything bad actually happened.

Just in case, she prayed.

Thwak.

Andi winced, the sounds of skin smacking against skin a sound easily identified—between her household and the fights she used to get it, it was unmistakable. She held herself tighter, not wanting to find out what was going on. Her lungs burned as she tried to catch her breath, consciousness dizzy and distant with each passing second. Two deep grunts sounded the end of the encounter with some finality. She opened her eyes, willing herself to move. But she couldn’t even catch her breath.

A figure loomed over her, but the colors blurred together unrecognizably. Her vision had become no better than a kaleidoscope, simply suggesting some possibility of what might have been there. The dark spots exploded across the colors. Her heart only raced faster.

She heard one thing before she lost consciousness.

           “Andrea?”

Andi moaned, shivering hard enough to send whatever was beside her rattling. Her body felt as though each and every cell had decided to step outside for a cigarette break after skinny-dipping in a bath of gasoline. Her mouth ached as though she had been gnawing on batteries and the acid had pooled against her cheeks. She tried to push herself up to view the world around her, despite the fact that she could hardly keep her eyes open.

A gentle touch pressed against her shoulder, icy and inviting against her burning skin.

           “Stay down, Andi,” a familiar voice commanded. Her focus pulsed in and out as she tried to place a face to it. Someone strong, but comforting. Not a stranger, but not family. She squinted up, trying to see despite the searing pain. She could make out tawny skin, blotched and shriveled across the left side.

           “Ah…Officer Fakh...?” Her voice fell away like the ashes of a cigarette. Nasira Fakhoury shushed her, laying a damp cloth across her forehead. It must have been the delirium, but Andi swore she heard it sizzle as it came into contact with her skin.

           “I need you to listen to me right now and do what I tell you, do you understand me, Miss Bianchi?” Her voice didn’t hold the same bite that it had when she lectured Andi over her aggression and petulance. Even in her haze, Andi could detect the concern weaved between her words, seeping into her tone. Andi offered a weak noise of agreement. “You can make it through this, but you’ll have to trust me. You’ve caught something very dangerous, and if we can’t cool you down, you’ll burn from the inside out. You’re going to be very uncomfortable, but you’ve got to hold on. You’re a strong girl. I know you’ve got it in you.”

A wave of heat flushed through Andi’s body. She was going nuclear.  She groaned, scraping at her skin in hopes of finding something to cool her down. She’d peel off her damn epidermis if she had to. She’d never been so hot in her life. Her blood must have been boiling.

           “Omar is drawing an ice bath. I must warn you, the worst is yet to come. Let me help you stand.” Nasira lifted Andi, propping her up with a feather-light touch. If she was bothered by the heat radiating off her skin, she showed no sign. Andi winced, sluggishly falling forward with each step. She felt more like a sack of coals than a human person, heavy and awkward as she tried to move. “You’re a fighter, I know you are. You’ll be alright.”

Andi wasn’t particularly comforted, since all she could feel was heat and pain and heat and pain and heat. She preferred idea of dying in Officer Fakhoury’s apartment instead of on the street. She liked the woman better than her own mom half the time, and she definitely kicked way more ass. While her own mom gave birth to a college student’s baby in high school, Officer Fakhoury had been organizing a guard for her hijab-wearing peers. She had even confessed to Andi that she had even gotten into a few fights to protect the other girls. And now here she was, trying to protect Andi, too.

She was a hero. Andi wanted to die in the presence of a hero.

           “’m glad i’s you…” Andi’s speech was slurred, her tongue and brain too exhausted to work together. Nasira pushed open the bathroom door, all but dragging the teen along behind her.

           “Hey, keep talking to me, okay? I’m glad it was me, too. I’m not sure anyone else would know what to do with you…” She muttered the last sentence underneath her breath. “Can you take your clothes off yourself? Are you comfortable needing my help?”

Andi shrugged, her focus fading in and out. She pulled her top halfway over her head before stumbling backwards, only to be caught and righted by Nasira.

           “Sorry,” she murmured, shirt muffling the sound of her voice. “Help...I guess.”

Nasira helped her undress, informing her of what she was doing before she did it and apologizing for each accidental scrape and brush. Andi may have been mortified in any other scenario, but she wanted to bury herself in the ice as fast as she could. Relief was immediate, cool ice melting instantaneously against her skin.

But it was temporary.

Despite the goosebumps that lined her skin like an army of tin soldiers, Andi was still hot. She thought she saw steam rise where flesh met water.

           “You need to stay hydrated.” Nasira insisted as she filled a glass in the sink. “I know it’s hard, but drink, and drink slow. Think of it like when you’re competing. Keep it steady, and don’t rush yourself.”

Andi nodded, trying to ignore the roiling nausea in her gut. She wasn’t sure she could keep the water down, preferring the way it sat against her parched lips. She took a sip anyway, for Nasira’s sake. The droplets trickled down her throat without much effect, so she took another sip and another and another. The glass was about halfway empty before another heatwave wracked her body again. Her hands convulsed, blurry in her vision. She gripped onto the sides of the tub, trying to stop it, but to no avail.

This time, the heat didn’t pass. The burning remained. Andi whimpered, trying to slide herself deeper into the water. Maybe further down the water would be colder. Maybe if she submerged herself it could all just stop. It had to stop. She needed it to just stop.

Nasira grabbed her forearm, pulling her head away from the waterline. She pulled her own hand away, shaking it as if she had been burned, hissing underneath her breath.

           “Andi, Andi, you have to listen to me. You have to stay level-headed. You’ll make it through this. I know it hurts. I know that this is one of the worst pains you’ve ever felt in your life, but you can make it through. If I did, you can.” She insisted, holding a steely gaze.

That piqued her interest, despite her lurid sense of focus. Andi looked at her the best that she could, attempting to dissect what she had said. Officer Fakhoury had been through the same thing. But what was this?

           “’ficer…Wha’s happ’nin’?” She asked in a slurred whisper. Nasira reached for a small bowl, pouring water atop Andi’s head. Her scalp tingled and stung, accompanied by a raucous assortment of pops and fizzes.

           “I can’t tell you for certain,” Nasira admitted. “I don’t know the cause, or the reason behind it. But what you’ve caught will change you if it doesn’t burn you to ash first.”

Burn her to ash? She really was melting, then. She wasn’t hallucinating—the popping and the hissing and the steam were real. She was burning from the inside out. She was going to die in this bathtub by literally catching on fire. Was this spontaneous human combustion?

Andi grew dizzy, unable to catch a full breath. She couldn’t think straight. She couldn’t make herself stop. She couldn’t breathe. She was going to burst into flames, literal flames, if she ever left this tub. She scooped her hands into the water, splashing water against every piece of dry skin she could find, wincing as it popped back off of her. She couldn’t catch on fire if she was wet. She had learned that much in Chem.

           “Andi, stop.” Nasira grabbed her wrist, snapping her out of her panic. “You’ll make it worse the more you move. You need to stay as still as you can. It only aggravates the condition. Right now, you’re all but a match. Too much friction and you’ll light up. I’m here. Talk to me. Tell me what you want, and I’ll make sure that you’re okay. I’m here for you.”

Tears boiled in Andi’s eyes, spilling over her cheeks when she blinked.

           “I’m scared,” she admitted, hardly above a whisper. “I didn’t…I shouldn’t…God…” She hiccoughed, brushing the tears from her face, turning her head to the ceiling. She was so stupid and so weak. If she hadn’t left home, none of this would have happened. “O my God, I am heartfully sorry for having offended thee, and I detest all of my sins because of Thy just punishment…” She bit her tongue, trying to suppress sob building on her chest. “But most of all because I have offended Thee my God, Who is all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, why the help of Thy grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. Amen.”

Nasira stayed silent, filling the glass with water again. Andi felt some shame, knowing she probably would have felt uncomfortable if it were reversed, and she had someone dying in her bathtub rattling off prayers in Arabic. She silently handed her the glass, her gaze glazed over.

           “I’m going to message Omar and tell him to bring more ice. It’ll be melted soon.” She scooped the bowl full of water, pouring it overtop her head. The hissing was quieter this time, more of a faint protest than a bold refusal to disappear. “Your temperature is declining but we’re far from in the clear. There can be heatwaves that come in after you’ve thought you’ve seen the worst of it.”

           “I’m sorry…” Andi curled her shoulders inward. “I’m so stupid, I shouldn’t have ever—”

           “Shh, shh,” Nasira interrupted. She brushed Andi’s damp bangs from across her forehead cleanly to the side. “Apologize later. I mean it. I’ve hear more apologies from you tonight than I’ve ever heard from you in years. You can save them for the morning. Relax. Drink.”

Andi sniffled, but did as she was told. She wasn’t convinced everything would be alright. But she trusted Nasira would do everything in her power to fix…whatever it was that was going on. She held onto that thought as her mind grew fuzzier and fuzzier, and her grip on the cup slackened.

Andi awoke with a sharp gasp, jolting forward. Sweat stuck to every damn crevice she knew she had and some she hadn’t explored before. She may as well have been caught outside in the rain. She certainly would have preferred pretending it was water instead. Her head felt like a sack of bricks as she held it in her hands.

Which were hot. And glowing like coals.

She must have still been dreaming.

The door creaked open, spilling enough light into the room to dim the glow. Andi stuffed her hands underneath her arms for safekeeping. Omar Fakhoury met her gaze, a bowl and washcloth in his hands. After a few moments, he smiled before turning back towards the door.

           “Nasira darling! She’s awake for certain this time!” He called as he stepped out of the room. “I am glad to see you well,” he added with a nod to Andi before he closed the door.

She was in the Fakhoury’s apartment. Her head spun in circles, as though some playground bully wouldn’t stop slapping at the roundabout, trapping her inside. Pinching her brow between her thumb and forefinger, she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to remember everything. She remembered running away, and she remembered passing out on the street. And then she’d woken up in her former mentor’s house. Been shoved in an ice bath that she managed to melt in mere minutes. Passed out again. And now she was here. In Officer Fakhoury’s house. Still.

           “How are you feeling?” Nasira asked as she entered the room. She looked increasingly worse for the wear—her dark eyes bloodshot, still wearing the same wrinkled clothing Andi recalled seeing her in before. She probably hadn’t slept a wink, which made Andi feel like shit. Nasira had always been way too good to her.

           “I don’t feel like I’m dying anymore.” Andi shrugged, staring at the sheets over her legs. “My throat hurts and I feel like I tried to win a staring contest with the sun and…what happened?”

Nasira sighed, sitting at the foot of the bed. Her shoulders slumped forward, but she reached for Andi’s hand. It no longer felt of ice in comparison.

           “I don’t know where it comes from. Or why it infects who it does. But if my suspicions are right…” She hesitated, a rare fear coating her eyes. “Have you noticed anything different, Andrea? About yourself.”

           “Well shit I’ve been awake for, like, five minutes, so, uh.” The glowing hands. “Why?”

Nasira’s grip tightened.

           “If you do, please call me. You know I will always answer for you.” The smile she offered was soft, but pained. Andi’s face flushed with shame.

           “I…I know,” she said. She should have called before. She should have talked to Nasira about everything that happened. “This shouldn’t have happened. You shouldn’t have had to do this. I should’ve been home.”

Nasira nodded, a signal for her to go on. She stroked her thumb across the back of Andi’s hand. She winced, wishing the shame would just go away on its own.

           “I ran away.” Nasira’s eyes grew wide, but she withheld her thoughts. “I was just so pissed and so worried and so, so fucking pissed. I mean how could he—and then he! I should’ve hit him right damn back, but instead I thought I’d get even, you know? He’s gonna threaten me like that to keep his dirty little secret, then I’d just go and steal away any power he had over me.” Anger boiled in her chest as she recalled it all. He deserved a real punishment. The only person she had hurt was herself, maybe her mom.  “I fucking hate him.”

Her heart pulsed. The bastard. Absolute bastard. She wanted to burn his world to nothing but ash.

Heat prickled up her arms, dozens of white hot needles pressing themselves against her skin. She ignored it, grinding her teeth at the thought of her father. He deserved so much worse than he had. It wasn’t fair. She should have shown him. She would show him.

           “Andi, stop!” Nasira shouted, yanking the girl’s arms up. Andi jolted back in surprise, eyes narrowed, ready to tell her off when she saw the flames. Her arms were engulfed in crimson fire, and Nasira just held onto her like it was nothing.

Andi stammered, trying to find any words to express how she felt, but she couldn’t quite land on a single thought. She was on fire. She was literally on fire. Panic bubbled in her chest. She was one of them now, wasn’t she? As if being a gay delinquent wasn’t enough of a reason for people to look at her twice.

           “It’s changed you the same way it’s changed me,” Nasira confessed. “You don’t have to—”

           “Is that why you were in that alley?” Andi blurted out. “You’re the vigilante, the one from the news. Aren’t you?”

The fire extinguished itself as suddenly as it started. Nasira let out a heavy sigh before nodding.

           “I’m trying to align myself with P.E.A.C.E., but in the meantime, yes. I don’t want you to do as I’ve done, Andi. The power we have is dangerous, but it can be controlled. If you let me, I can teach you to control it.” Andi’s eyes sparkled at the notion. She’d fight side-by-side with a vigilante. As a vigilante. “And I don’t want you to follow my path. I’ve told you time and time again that fighting is dangerous and foolhardy. I won’t muck that up with dragging you into this.”

Andi scoffed in disbelief. “Dragging me into this? I’d be fighting for a reason, right? That makes it some totally different shit, doesn’t it, Supernova—that’s what they’re calling you, isn’t it? The woman who burns as hot as the Sun. Take me as, like, an apprentice. You can make sure I stay out of trouble, and teach me to actually keep my cool in a dangerous scenario!”

           “Andrea, we are not discussing this further. You have a family looking for you in desperation, and we will not be making things worse by putting you directly into danger. You need to go home. I’ll speak with your father, but I can’t keep you here. They could charge Omar and me with kidnapping if they find out.”

Andi’s posture deflated. She glared at the blankets over her lap. She didn’t want to go back. She wanted anything but to go back there, or look at his face ever again. Nasira’s touch was light against her shoulder, but she pretended like she couldn’t feel it. Maybe there just weren’t any adults to trust.

           “Andi. I promise I only want what’s best for you.”

           “Then train me!” She snapped. “When I was getting into fights at school, you recommended that I make something of my energy, use up my anger, and I made JV field hockey freshman year. And now I’m more pissed than I’ve ever been and the human equivalent of Smokey the Bear’s worst freakin’ nightmare and you want me to just sit at home? Stuck all summer with him? He’s got another family, Officer Fakhoury. He cheated on my mom, and he threatened me not to tell her. He’s dead to me, and I want him dead. But if you train me, if you let me help you out, I might just keep my head. I’ll listen to every order, every word, everything. I promise. But don’t make me stay there without anything. Please.”

Nasira took in a deep breath, slowly exhaling as she weighed her choice. Andi held hers, fearing whatever response was about to come.

           “I will consider it based on how your control progresses. This is dangerous, Andi. I don’t think you understand, but perhaps showing you may be the only way.”

#my writing #original content #original fiction #short story #original writing #original short story #superhero fiction #original superhero #superhero ocs #lgbt oc #bisexual oc #andrea bianchi #andi bianchi #origin story #superhero origin story

[culturalgutter]

We really should have had a mystery series featuring a sensible lesbian couple by now. Something like two Miss Marples sharing a sensible home and sensibly solving extremely–some might even say overly–complicated murders together. One wakes the other up when she turns on the nightstand lamp to do a crossword puzzle, her favorite occupation when she is trying to crack a case. It helps her think. There should have been something based on a series of books written in the 1920s and 1930s, just after the War–either one. It should have been written by female author with three names and set in a quaint village outside London, the kind of village with many corpses in the shrubbery. Or maybe set in the city, with someone like Miss Fisher, but including the women she has had affairs with. Her dressing table or mantle featuring suggestive photos of the detective on holiday in Malta or visiting Paris with Josephine Baker, Marlene Dietrich, Anna May Wong, Djuna Barnes and even, possibly, Garbo herself. Our detective’s tux would be divinely tailored.

Yes, we could have them now, a retro 1930s correcting the oversights of the past. But we should have already had these drawing room mysteries long ago. They should have played on Masterpiece Theater, A&E and the various BBCs. They should be so prevalent that there are Sesame Street parodies teaching children how to count or the letter “L” or the word “sensible.” Old mystery and film fans should patronizingly explain to us that Zasu Pitts or Theresa Harris, Margaret Rutherford or Maude Eburne, in fact, performed in the first film versions of these films back in the day. “The earliest performance of this character dates back to Sarah Bernhard,” a random pedant would interject*.

The realized this terrible loss in the very same moment I saw it almost presented to me in Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate (1971) and its spin-off series, The Snoop Sisters. The Snoop Sisters ran as part of NBC’s Mystery Movie from 1972 to 1974. Though it stars two sisters, aunts to a police officer, I think it will get hard to read them as anything but a married couple in the future. I discovered The Snoop Sisters while watching old, made-for-tv mysteries and thrillers with the Gutter’s own Beth Watkins. We watched one where Barbara Stanwyck’s house is probably possessed and another where someone is trying to drive her mad. One where a theater troop re-enacts a murder to get a confession. One where Shelley Winters’ passion for Debbie Reynolds gets the best of her, demonstrating that there is something very much the matter with Helen. Another called, A Very Missing Person (1972) in which Eve Arden plays Hildegard Withers, a character who was variously played by ZaSu Pitts, Edna May Oliver and Helen Broderick in a series of 1930s films based on the novels of Stuart Palmer**. Ms. Withers is an ex-schoolteacher with an intriguing taste in hats and another good candidate for sensible lesbian detective. And we watched Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate. Helen Hayes, Mildred Natwick, Myrna Loy and Sylvia Sydney. They are retired women who occupy their time with luncheons, amazing outfits and creating the profile of a much younger woman for a computer dating service. Unfortunately for them, their profile attract a serial killer. Unfortunately for him, these ladies have moxie. Watching the movie, I realized that I would love to see these women solve a mystery every week. Apparently someone at NBC felt the same, because while the movie was not picked up as a series, it is somewhat reprised The Snoop Sisters, with Mildred Natwick taking on Myrna Loy’s role as Helen Hayes’ sister. It is the snazziest Mildred Natwick has ever been in a film, as she plays the fashionable Gwendolyn Snoop-Nicholson, “G.” for short. It is one of the only times I can think of that Mildred Natwick has outdressed nearly everyone else on the screen. Helen Hayes plays mystery novelist, Ernesta Snoop. And now both are instigators.

The Snoop Sisters has the things people like in 1970s made-for-tv mysteries—women in their 60s and 70s, magicians, Roddy McDowell, switcheroos and twists. The Snoops solve mysteries, scoop the police—led by their own nephew Lt. Steven Ostrowski—and charmingly prove what everyone thinks is happening is not what’s happening at all. Except, that yes, Alice Cooper is happening, and so is a fist fight between Vincent Price and Roddy McDowell. Also, classic film star Joan Blondell is a medium, Bernie Casey wears pants no one should be able to successfully look handsome in and Steve Allen hosts Ernesta Snoop on his television program. There are so many outfits—fantastically printed caftans and ties; wide lapels; loudly patterned suits; sweaters with ring pulls. And there is a lot of decor—including Gloria Hendry’s amazing octagonal waterbed.

Sadly, there were only five episodes produced, but fortunately they have been collected in a dvd set.In “The Female Instinct,” the Snoops solve the murder of an old Hollywood icon Norma Treet (Paulette Goddard) while Barney tries and fails to keep them out of trouble. There is a sweet screening of one of Goddard’s films, The Ghost Breakers (1940), presented as one of Treet’s. Their nephew***, police Lt. Steven Ostrowski (Lawrence Pressman) as their nephew, Lt. Ostrowski sets Barney, a retired cop played by Art Carney, to keep the ladies out of trouble. But no one, not even Art Carney—an Art Carney who does a stunt—can stop the Snoops from doing what they want to do. And they want to write mysteries, solve mysteries, meet amazing people, and disguise themselves as anything from “stuffed animal fluffers” to exterminators and a bowling team.

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And they wear amazing outfits. G.’s wardrobe is very much from the 1970s, including a beautiful coat I covet. Ernesta’s much more turn of the Twentieth Century. I will also note that Ernesta is butch, but hers is a butchness leaning towards Gertrude Stein but with a fondness for ridiculously feathered hats. It’s from a when wearing a certain cut of jacket was more meaningful in gender coding than wearing a skirt. In this case, most of Ernesta’s skirt suits are “mannish” in the parlance of the thirties and forties. And I am pretty sure she is straight up wearing men’s or boy’s gray striped flannel pajamas.

My favorite part is the peek into Ernesta’s creative process as she works on a book while G. takes dictation.

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We also get another glimpse of their home life as Ernesta works on her embroidery in bed and Mildred asks to borrow her liniment, after a close call with a potential assassin required that they both run.

By the second episode, “Corpse and Robbers,” there have been some changes. Now Bert Convy plays Steven. And rather than a retired cop, Barney is now a paroled convict doing the lieutenant a favor by watching his aunts. Played by Lou Antonio, Barney is also twenty or thirty years younger than the Snoops and too hobbled by his respect for their ladyness to come close to contending with them. In the episode, Ernesta tries to discover what happened to her dear old friend, and toy-making genius, Franklin Birdwell (Liam Dunn). Ernesta also hopes to prove that she is not imagining that he has called her. The Snoops disguise themselves as “stuffed animal fluffers” to infiltrate a toy factory that specializes in toy dogs that bark and wag their tails, Winnie the Pooh stuffies, and giant devil masks. I assume the factor is one of the Joker’s old hideouts and, in its off hours, the site of many a giallo murder.**** Ernesta and G. also go jogging in knit outfits.

Their activewear.

In “Death Is A Free Throw,” we discover many interesting things, such as that G. is a basketball fan and that their Lincoln limosine’s license plate just happens to be 473 FEM. Oh, and as Ernesta and G. defend a man who has come flying out of the green room for the Steve Allen show, “We warn you, Mr. Bates, we know kung fu.”

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Fortunately, fisticuffs prove unnecessary and the Snoops quickly befriend basketball great, Willie Bates (Bernie Casey). Willie wears some amazing outfits that only Bernie Casey could make it seem like a good idea for anyone else to wear. I mean, some other people could look handsome in them, but, seriously, don’t think you could because he could. Meanwhile, everyone has stomach trouble and G. becomes a suspect.

“The Devil Made Me Do It!” might contain the most wonders per hour. The Snoops find themselves the target of a Satanic coven that would very much like its ancient relic back, thank you. Classic film bombshell Joan Blondell appears as a medium, Madame Mimi. And Alice Cooper not only appears as a witch, but sings a song to a very interesting audience at the Frou Frou Club.

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But my favorite character is the Honorable Morlock (Cyril Ritchard), the proprietor of an occult shop who specializes in providing New York’s covens with human skulls, in any size and painted in any color you might like. He assures us that Henry Ford had the right idea in only offering one model of car in one color. He blames the government for the rapacious frog bone suppliers. He wears a wig, red eye shadow and stunning ritual magick robes. (The Honorable Morlock definitely spells magic with a K and probably deplores the confusion of stage magic with the Art). And he speaks in rhyming couplets whenever he can. When Barney asks how the Honorable Morlock knows he has a bad back, he declaims: “Lucifer, give me strength! Do you think you’re dealing with kids? Because I’m a pro—that’s how I know!”

He’s a pro!

And if The Snoop Sisters had to go out, at least it went out with an episode featuring both Roddy McDowell and Vincent Price. The episode begins gloriously with Ernesta and G. cosplaying that most romantic of classic horror couples, Frankenstein and the Bride****. Ernest is the creature, of course. And Mildred Natwick makes a remarkably elegant Bride. They are dressed up to attend the Michael Bastion Film Festival, a revival of classic horror films. We see among the attendees people dressed as vampires, a werewolf, the Metaluna Mutant and a mummy. That’s right, G. is a horror fan. She’s seen all of Bastion’s films and is excited to meet Bastion himself. Bastion and his wife arrive in an old hearse. His wife leaves from the passenger side. Muscle men in silver masks pull a coffin out of the hearse, lean it up and open it to reveal Bastion to his adoring fans*****. There is a fun movie-within-a-tv-movie starring Bastion, and, of course, a murder during the screening. Bastion is the accused and the Snoops investigate. Like Price himself, Bastion is a noted gourmet cook and G. distracts Bastion by taking him up on an offer of a gourmet luncheon. There is a very fine drunken-crepe making scene. And Ernesta wears an indescribable golfing outfit. I do not think I am spoiling anything but informing you that there is also a fistfight between Roddy McDowell and Vincent Price. This is obviously an enticement.

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While I willingly admit that the Snoop sisters are, in fact, sisters, no matter how queer coded the relationship and the show seems, The Snoop Sisters does satisfy some of my desire for weird old tv mysteries starring a lesbian couple. Sure we could do something retro now and that would be fun, but it isn’t the same. And it’s a reminder of how much we could have had without prejudices limiting art.

*One must take the good with the bad if one is truly sensible.

**A Very Missing Person also stars Julie Newmar and Pat Morita. Morita plays a hippie, which is so, so worthwhile.

***I will note the long tradition of couples who are coded gay having nieces and nephews. I also suppose that if Steven were Gwendolyn’s son, she would not be considered so free to gallivant around with Ernesta because she would be a Bad Mother somehow to the series perceived audience. Even if Steven’s all grown-up and a police lieutenant now.

***I have been thinking about gialli a lot while watching this made-for-tv mysteries with Beth.

****For my thoughts on calling the creature, “Frankenstein,” and on the poor Bride, please see “The Specter of Frankenstein.”

*****Bastion later arranges to meet someone in the men’s bathroom, but I am resisting the temptation to say anything about that.

Two other queer and queer-ish, made-for-tv movies: The Judge and Jake Wyler starring Bette Davis and Doub McLure; and, What’s The Matter With Helen? starring Debbie Reynolds and Shelley Winters.

 ~~~

If you need her, Carol Borden will be consulting with the Honorable Morlock.

Snooping Ladies Sensibly Solving Mysteries We really should have had a mystery series featuring a sensible lesbian couple by now. Something like two Miss Marples sharing a sensible home and sensibly solving extremely--some might even say…

#1970s #2010s #Alice Cooper #Art Carney #Bernie Casey #Bert Convy #crime #Cyril Ritchard #Do Not Fold Spindle Or Mutilate #gender #Gloria Hendry #Helen Hayes #lesbian #Lesbians #LGBTQ #Lou Antonio #Mildred Natwick #movies #murder #mysteries #Queerness #Roddy McDowell #the ladies #The Snoop Sisters #tv #USA #Vincent Price

[myheartsoarsforyou]

The gay asks, as many as you feel like doing. Starting at 1 stop when you feel like it

Oh, you don’t know what you’ve signed up for. I’ll put it under a readmore, lol. 

Just to note: Probably going to do most, if not all of them, so there you go. :)

how tall are you? 5′6″

what is your body type? Chubby, but curves are still there.

what is your favorite part about your body? Ehh, I don’t really like any part. My eyes, I guess?

is your current hair color your natural hair color? For now, but as soon as I’m able to get to my salon I’m dyeing it

are you more outgoing or more shy? Depends on the setting but for the most part definitely shy

are you more femme or butch? Femme I guess? I dunno, I’d argue probably somewhere in-between but leaning towards femme. 

are you tol or smol? Height wise? I guess kinda tol? Iunno I don’t think I’m either but hey! lol

wine mom or vodka aunt? Vodka aunt, but I don’t drink much anymore.

weird habit? Uhh idk?

favorite meme? Don’t talk me i angy

do you sing in the shower? Oh yes, especially if I have music going lol

ever used a bow and arrow? Not yet!

are/were you a theatre kid? Nope, 

have you ever seen a broadway musical? Not in person? 

do you think musicals are cheesy? Probably but that’s half the fun.

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march? I wish, especially right now, but I would probably break down around that many people. I support as much as I can.

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card? I don’t think I have a favorite?

last movie you watched? Silent Hill: Revelations

behind the camera or in front of it? Behind, 100%. I hate having my picture taken. i’ll make exceptions, but. 

favorite tv show? Mmmh... it used to be Supernatural but I don’t really watch TV. Maybe ATLA? I’m rewatching/finishing that sporadically.

meaning behind your url He makes my heart soar higher than ever.

reason you joined tumblr A looong time ago, because of SPN. 

who’s your closest tumblr friend? I don’t really talk to people on tumblr ?? I’m just kinda... here

what’s something most people love that you hate? Iunno o.o

have you ever taken narcotics? Technically yes I have

have you had sex? Mhmm

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Err, yeah. I got caught with a ‘friend’ of mine when I was younger. Woops.

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told? I don’t remember any? I don’t know. 

describe your passion without mentioning it. Escape, building something completely new with friends, making friends within a universe you help shape, seeing and doing more fantastiscal things than could be done in real life. 

describe your best friend. I have two people I consider best friends. An artist, an activist, passionate about her work, heartfelt and exciteable. Another artist, unsure of his work but talented none the less, overly critical of himself. 

give us one thing about you that no one knows. I don’t think there’s much if anything that my bf doesn’t know about me?

how do you feel right now? my tummy hurts

what is your biggest fear? Losing him. 

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Love Me - NU’EST

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far? Definitely sticking it out and staying close to my bf before we got together and persuing things when the opportunity arose. 

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end? Very often in my life rn tbh

something you fantasize about. Living with my love in a 3 bedroom house with our little domestic zoo and being happy. 

last time you cried and why Saturday, multiple times. It was a rough day and was thinking a lot about my cousin (long story short he’s no longer around)

what was the last thing that made you laugh? Probably my boyfriend. 

do you really, truly miss someone right now? I miss my bf because I haven’t seen him irl in two years and it kills me. 

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Bf

the last time you felt broken? Saturday again because of the aforementioned. 

are you starting to realize anything? That I will put up with a lot if I feel like I have to to see him. 

are you more dominant or more submissive? Definitely submissive, but I have my moments. 

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank) Mmm, I don’t really have strict qualifications. Treat me well, tell me if something’s up, and just love me. But I have that right now, so I guess the strict qualification is if he agrees & We’re good to be a polycule. 

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older? I used to say strictly older, but honestly AS LONG AS it’s legal and moral either or. Bf’s two years younger than me and more mature than anyone older than me that I’ve been with so lol. 

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail. My height, great eyes, gorgeous to me, dyed-red hair, avid gamer, tattoo enthusiast. He’s passionate regardless of how he sees it, and he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I love every part of him and I will even if things change. 

do you have any kinks? Many. Lol. 

first thing you notice in a person? Depends, sometimes eyes, sometimes voice, sometimes approachability lol.

how can someone win your heart? You’d have to ask my bf

been rejected by a crush? Yep! 

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? Oh yes lol

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? Actual texts? No. But if discord messages count - yes. lol

is trust a big issue for you? Yes

did you hang out with the person you like recently? Yes

is confidence cute? It can be, but there’s a fine line between it and arrogance. 

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? It depends entirely on the situation. Did we agree on a romantic/sexual third? Sure. If not I’d probably be pretty upset. 

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Probably not. 

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do? I should DEFINITELY hope so lmao

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? I’ve been in high school. 

do you want to get married I do, though I never thought I’d be able to say that

worst thing you’ve ever done? Probably cheating on someone I cared about with someone I should’ve never involved myself with. 

three things that turn you on. Biting, neck kisses, making out. 

who do you hate? Eh, my boss rn.

favorite term of endearment? My bf calls me kitten c: 

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening? Probably Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer 

intimidating girls or kind girls? Why not both?

what do you look for in a possible partner? If we’d work well together lol, it all depends. 

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls? Err, a little of all? I tend to go for masc in general, but I am definitely interested in all of the above. 

are you good at flirting? Not...really lol

who was the first person you came out to? My bestie

do you have any friends who are wlw? Yep!

is your crush wlw? See, this is complicated. Technically at the moment no, but there has been gender questioning in the past and it’s possible that at some point in the future yes. 

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality? That’s been a long time ago lmao, I’ve been pretty confident I am Super Queer for a long while. 

write a short love poem to your crush/self? I am not good at these and very tired so I’m gonna pass on this one

do you fall in love easily? I used to, but not anymore. Mainly cause I’m still very deeply in love with the person I think is my soul mate. 

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? Yerp.

are you good at hiding your feelings? Not really no

are you a forgiving person? I can be. Bf thinks I am too forgiving. 

what is your “type?” Uhh, it depends? And fluctuates? lol

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours? Both.

tall girls or short girls? Both, though prob tall more often than not.

hugs or kisses? Kisses

twirl her around or get twirled? Twiiiirl. 

tummy kisses or thigh kisses? Thigh

hairline kisses or neck kisses? Neck

play with her hair or stroke her tummy? I have Two Hands

making out or soft kisses? Both, but I Really Like making out

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist? Neck, but also both. 

how confident are you in your sexuality? 100%

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach? Yes, a lot lol

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them? I would not be with my bf if this wasn’t the case. 

how old were you when you realized you were into girls? I think I was 13? 

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl? Uhhh... I don’t really remember lol

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon? Yes! But it ended not great so :(

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality? I really hate when people say I should identify in a certain way because it’s a “slur” the whole point of reclaiming things is to take the ammunition out of it. And a lot of words have been slurs in the past that seem to be fully acceptable. 

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter? I don’t really remember. 

what is love to you? It can change but at its heart it makes you feel warm and soft, and makes you feel a little bit better about the bad things in life. 

#P.s. Pretty sure my bf sent this but that's ok #if not pls tell me who you are bc you honed in on what i love lol #Anonymous #well that readmore didn't work okay thanks tumblr

[luncheon-aspic]

Tagged by @spastikchildren - thanx, bro

THE LAST

1. Drink: coffee with a splash of Bailey’s

2. Phone call: to The One Other Butch Lesbian In Town, asking if she was in the downtown area (she wasn’t)

3. Text message: Wow! Thanks!

4. Song you listened to: Gila - Amuk

5. Time you cried: I think I saw some really funny meme a week or two back and laughed until I cried

HAVE YOU

6. Dated someone twice: As in dated, broke up, and then dated again? No. But I’d date my high school sweetheart again in an instant if she broke up with her husband.

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Every single guy

8. Been cheated on: I’ve found out that I WAS the other woman multiple times.

9. Lost someone special: Yeah

10. Been depressed: Last serious episode was a few weeks ago. Glad to be on the other side of that -- it was a bad mixed state one.

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Only a few times

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

1. Vermilion

2. Jewel purple

3. Black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Of course

16. Fallen out of love: I don’t think so?

17. Laughed until you cried: See question 5

18. Found out someone was talking about you: According to my mother, my father often hallucinates that I’m around and literally talks TO me

19. Met someone who changed you: Yeah

20. Found out who your friends are: They were all three goats in a trenchcoat! Dastardly creatures!

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Dude, I haven’t kissed anyone since 2014

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Half, probably

23. Do you have any pets: No. :((((((

24. Do you want to change your name: I used to, but not any more.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: I was in the capital, so I went to the National Museum and then had margs with a friend and totally went to the mall.

26. What time did you wake up: 11-ish

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Probably blogging

28. Name something you can’t wait for: My trip back to visit my parents next month (haven’t seen them in two years)

30.What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: A cool $500 million would be nice.

31. What are you listening to right now: Nothing, actually

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Used to work for one, in fact

33. Something that is really getting on your nerves: Muscle aches, which are my own fault for not stretching out because I’m lazy.

34. Most visited website: Other than this blue hellsite, which I usually access on mobile? edX, probably, or Wikipedia.

35. Mole/s: Plenty

36. Mark/s: My skin’s pretty strange in general

37. Childhood dream: Become an archaeologist... And I did kind of end up in a related field.

38. Hair color: Brown

39. Long or short hair: The few, the brave, the long-haired butches

40. Do you have a crush on someone: Usually

41. What do you like about yourself: I’m not scared to take big risks

42. Piercings: None (I tried getting my ears pierced a couple years ago but it was too much of a hassle care-wise.)

43. Blood type: Red??

44. Nickname: None

45. Relationship status: In a stable and committed relationship with my bed

46. Zodiac: Libra sun and Aries moon

47. Pronouns: Please don’t talk about me I’m sensitive

48. Favorite TV show: Takhta 3 Ratu (as seen in my header)

49. Tattoos: Armband of local-style stylized floral patterns

50. Right or left hand: Left

51. Surgery: I have artificial lenses inside my eyes

52. Hair dyed in different color: Never

53. Sport: That sounds like exercise. :/

55. Vacation: Hot spring getaway in Japan

56. Pair of trainers: Too hot and muddy for those.

MORE GENERAL

57. Eating: Just finished a Taiwanese green onion pancake

58. Drinking: See question 1

59. I’m about to: Send yet another Risky Email, because I’m just throwing stuff against the professional wall and seeing what sticks

61. Waiting for: Getting off the plane back in the Bay Area next month

62. Want: Another green onion pancake (alas, it was the last one in the pack)

63. Get married: Same-sex marriage isn’t even a thing where I live, so unless I relocate to somewhere where it is, it would have to be either symbolic or not locally valid. I’m cool with the idea, though.

64. Career: Academic/literary translator and/or oral historian

65. Hugs or kisses: I’m actually not a very touchy-feely person.

66. Lips or eyes: It’s nice when people have both, but I’m not here to shame anyone.

67. Shorter or taller: Taller femmes with shorter butches = gggooOOood shit

68. Older or younger: Not too much of either

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: All arms and stomachs are nice

71. Sensitive or loud: Depends on the situation; I’ve been told by others that I’m very loud, though

72. Hook up or relationship: I just want a girl to look at me. :(((((

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: I never hesitate to make trouble for myself.

HAVE YOU EVER

74. Kissed a stranger: Dude, I don’t even remember the names of half the people I’ve slept with.

75. Drank hard liquor: Uh, once or twice, once or twice...

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Never lost, but I used to accidentally sit on them all the time. The optometrists always teased me that I had 20/20 hindsight.

77. Turned someone down: Of course

78. Sex on the first date: Sure

79. Broken someone’s heart: Yes, and I’d really appreciate if he’d stop messaging me.

80. Had your heart broken: Never in a truly lasting way

81. Been arrested: Nope

82. Cried when someone died: The day after

83. Fallen for a friend: Sure

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

84. Yourself: I’m still waiting for conclusive evidence of my own existence; so far, all we have are blurry photos and garbled video footage

85. Miracles: Who knows??

86. Love at first sight: Probably not, but I do know that there are people who you meet once and just click with so well that you become genuine BFFs... So who knows??

87. Santa Claus: #iwanttobelieve

88. Kiss on the first date: Heck, your place or mine?

89. Angels: Please no giant flaming wheels covered in eyes I startle easily

OTHER

90. Current best friend’s name: @laurierrose

91. Eye color: Green

92. Favorite movie: Rent-a-Neko (A must for cat lovers! I watched it first while on a trans-Pacific flight and I cried so hard that the flight attendants came over to make sure I was okay.)

Whew! I tag @detectivemindhorn , @just-the-tipton , @scruffymetalcat , @radicalsombra and @blackgirlalmighty if any of you want to delve into your soul and reveal yourself to the world.

#ask thing

[sittingoverheredreaming]

Sparkle Sparkle It’s a Fic!

My sparklee this year is @tallangrycockatiel, who asked for Mina “helping” Haruka propose. I hope you enjoy it!

It’s Very You ~2K words AO3 Link

There were times Haruka almost felt smart, or at least knowledgeable. At the shop, finding the problem with an engine. Fixing a kid’s bike chain. When she found the best deal at the supermarket, she felt almost academic, math fell into place and numbers made sense.

But she’d never felt more stupid than in this moment. Numbers and cuts and prices swam around in the jewelry cases, the over-bright lighting making everything sparkle, even the price plaques. The salesman looked down his nose at her. “What is it that you’re looking for?” he asked, as though she had no business being there. She ought to have cleaned up more, not come straight from work. She’d changed her shirt, made sure there were no oil stains on her pants, but the smell gas and smoke clung to her skin and uncombed hair. But the second the week’s paycheck had landed in her account she’d needed to come. She couldn’t wait any longer.

“Well, a ring. An engagement ring.”

“Let me know if you have any questions.” He moved away, keeping his eyes on her until another customer got his attention.

Haruka had a thousand questions, none of which she could ask him. What is the difference between white gold and silver and platinum? Why do all the diamonds look so gaudy? What is a princess cut? Will Michiru like what I get? Will she say yes? Why won’t anything stay still?

There was only one person she trusted to give her at least mostly honest answers. She slipped outside to make a call and not fifteen minutes later, Minako rolled up. She kicked out the stand on her bike and slid her sunglasses up over her hair and she had never looked more like a hero.

“Trying to save the environment?” Haruka asked with a weak chuckle.

Mina grinned. “If Rei is gonna chew my ear off all the time about it, I just have to outdo her. But now buddy, I’m saving so much more than the ozone layer.” She slung one arm around Haruka’s shoulders. “I’m here to save you from yourself.” She swung her other arm wide and stared into the distance.

“Mina.”

“Please. Your dramatic lesbian ass has no room to talk,” she said with an eyeroll, but then she gave her hand a squeeze.

The nice thing was, Haruka supposed, Mina looked like someone you’d expect to see in a jewelry shop. Maybe not for nice reasons, and certainly not for true reasons— Mina’s money was all her own, however little she had—but she looked the part. Her hair was long and silky, her clothes looked straight out of next month’s magazines. The man behind the counter gave her a very different look until she looped her arm into Haruka’s.

“So what’s your budget?”

“Well.” Haruka felt her cheeks warm. “Just about two thousand.”

“Ah just—“ Mina stopped. “Just two thousand?”

“It’s below the average, but—“

“Where did you get two thousand dollars? I know your butch pride won’t let you touch a cent of the Kaioh millions.”

“I saved. For a while. A couple years.”

Mina let out a low whistle. “Christ. Every time I think you’ve reached peak sap, there you go, sailing to new heights.”

“It’s important.”

“Oh Haruka.” She rubbed her back between her shoulders. “I know. We’ll find you a good ring.”

 It wasn’t, at the end of the day, the fanciest ring. It hadn’t even reached the top of Haruka’s budget; prices jumped instead of increasing gradually. But she’d been able to insure it, and Mina assured her it was nice. A simple silver band with a single small diamond, set off by two smaller sapphires.

“She’ll love it, buddy,” Mina assured her in the car after they’d strapped her bike to the back. “You did good.”

“Yeah?” Haruka let herself relax into her steering wheel, but the weight of it all still consumed her.

Mina smiled and patted her shoulder. “Yeah. When are you popping the question?”

Warmth crept up under Haruka’s collar. “Well. I don’t… I’m not quite sure.”

“You bought the ring without a plan?”

“Not without a plan, I have lots of plans. I just… I just don’t know what one is right.” Haruka swallowed hard. She’d been trying to plan for months, but everything felt subpar. “I want it to be perfect.”

Mina snorted. “You’re ridiculous. She’s saying yes no matter how you ask.”

“That’s not the point!” Haruka glanced over. “Do you really think so?”

Mina looked up a raised her hands in plea. “God save the lesbians from themselves. I’m sure the only reason Michiru hasn’t asked you to just get hitched already is she knows it would wound your fragile butch sensibilities.”

“You think I waited too long?”

“Christ, Haruka, not the point I’m making. I’m trying to say she’d marry you in a heartbeat. You’re soulmates or whatever sappy thing you want to call it. You’re going to ask in some amazing way, and she’s going to say yes.” She pulled the lever to recline her chair. “And if you’re nervous, you’re lucky enough to have me here to help.”

“Would you?”

“I’m not about to spend the next sixty years of my life listening to you brood about how your proposal wasn’t good enough.”

“That’s an exaggeration.”

“Buddy, I’ve known you too long to believe that. Now—“ She sat up and folded her hands over her knees. “Pretend I’m Michiru and we’ve just sat down after a beautiful moonlight walk on the beach.”

Haruka could picture it—the salt smell of the sea spray dancing with Michiru’s perfume, the wind floating through Michiru’s hair and dress. The waves crashing in time with the thump thump thump of Haruka’s racing heart, Michiru turning to Haruka expectantly and every word, every breath catching in Haruka’s throat and—

Haruka pulled the car to the side of the road. “I can’t do this. Nothing I say can be good enough.”

“So we’ll work on it.” Minako tossed her hair. “I have a plan.”

 The shrill of a whistle cut through Minako’s apartment. “Alright soldiers. Welcome to proposal camp day one.”

Rei crossed her arms. “I didn’t agree to this.”

“And I’m pulling rank as your commander so you don’t have to.” Mina grinned. “I needed a stand in snooty lesbian, and you fit the bill.”

“I’m not—“

“Michiru isn’t—“

Mina blew her whistle again. “No sass. I trained you better than this.” She pointed at Haruka. “You need to find the right way to propose. We’re going to roleplay scenarios until you find the right one.”

“I’m not sure—“

Mina blew the whistle.

“Okay.”

“Scenario one. Dinner.” Mina shuffled them into chairs on either side of a TV tray. “Now. I know my dear butch puddle, and I’m vetoing any ring-in-a-drink or food thing. It would go to the wrong table, and you would cry for a month.”

Haruka’s stomach sank as she realized the logic. It had been an idea, a leading idea, and it was bad. Were all her ideas wrong?

“Now. Imagine. You’ve just finished eating. The waiter has not yet brought the check—“

“That’s important,” Rei cut in, “because they may waive the bill for the occasion.”

“Thank you Madame Cheapskate. Now. You’re in candlelight, you’ve just eaten a nice meal, the ring is in your pocket. Go.”

Haruka looked across the tiny table at Rei. Her heart raced even as she tried to focus on how different she was from Michiru. “I... I um. I have something to ask you.”

“Shoot.”

Mina cleared her throat.

Rei huffed. “Fine. What is it, love?”

“Well. There’s something important I want to ask.”

“Yes, you said.” Rei crossed her arms. “What is it? …Dear. What is it, dear?”

“I… I love you very much. And I will love you forever. So what I want to say is—what I want to ask is...” Haruka swallowed hard. “Will you marry me?”

“No.”

Tears welled up in Haruka’s eyes. “No?” It was Rei, but Rei knew Michiru. Rei knew what Michiru would want, probably, and it wasn’t this.

Mina blew the whistle. “Penalty to the snooty lesbian. Unrealistic answer.”

“Oh please. I’m not saying yes to anything less than perfect.”

“Not you. Michiru.”

Rei tapped her fingers on the table. “If the point is to teach her how to propose, then she’s not going to learn unless we’re hard on her.”

“That is not the point.” Mina put her face in her hands. “You’re dismissed. I have a better idea.”

 By the time Haruka had dried her eyes, Rei was curled on the couch and Mina had changed outfits. It took Haruka a moment to process the pants, the button-down, the way her hair was pinned up…

“Oh no. Mina…”

“No no.” Mina gestured widely. “Right now, I am Haruka. And you—“ She hooked a string of fake pearls around Haruka’s neck—“are Michiru. And I, Haruka Tennoh, most romantic of noodles, have just taken you out to a nice dinner, and now am inviting you on a walk about town.” She offered Haruka her elbow. Haruka took it in her best attempt at a lady-like fashion.

Mina led her around the couch. “Did you enjoy dinner, my love?”

“Um. Yes.”

“Good good. The moon is beautiful, just like you.” Mina touched Haruka’s nose. Haruka grimaced. “There’s been something on my mind lately, you know.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Indeed, my beautiful mermaid flower. I think we’re ready to take the next step in our lives.” Mina threw herself down on one knee. Haruka tried to remember if she every called Michiru a beautiful mermaid flower. It sounded ridiculous. Maybe she was ridiculous, maybe the whole thing was ridiculous.

“Will you marry me?”

Rei snorted from the couch.

“What now, flame brains?”

“It all seems very unromantic. Stiff.”

Mina stood up. “And how would you do it?”

Rei snatched up the ring box and dragged Minako by the wrist over to the TV stand. She slammed the box down. “Well?”

Mina burst out laughing. “It’s very you, for sure.”

“You’d marry me if I asked.” Rei’s face flushed red.

“Then I’m lucky you’ll never ask, aren’t I?”

“Guys.” Haruka grabbed the ring and stuffed it back in her pocket. “I think I’m good. I’m going home.”

“You got a plan, buddy?”

“Yeah,” Haruka lied. “I got a plan.”

She got in her car feeling even less sure than she had at the beginning. Rei had been right; everything was artificial. Haruka couldn’t propose the way Rei had, but something in it rang truer than the rest. It wasn’t fireworks spelling out the question and it wasn’t a band swelling at the perfect moment, it wasn’t even a planned evening. It had been Rei, pure and simple. And right.

Haruka mulled it over on the drive. There had to be a right way. Not asking wasn’t an option. Waiting didn’t even feel like an option. She’d waited for the ring. She could wait for a thousand other things, or she could be through with waiting. She could do it now. She could. She would.

She stopped at a corner store for some roses. When she got home, Michiru was already there, reading on the couch with her legs curled under her. She rose an eyebrow and smiled over her book at the flowers. “What occasion have you found today?”

Haruka smiled back. The words caught in her throat, again, but she’d push through this time. She snuggled into Michiru and let her look at the flowers. “Do you like them?”

“They’re lovely, Haruka.”

“And this?” She pulled the ring box from her pocket to open before Michiru’s eyes. “Do you like it?”

“Haruka,” Michiru said in a gasp. She reached up to the ring, her hand stopping just short.

“Michiru.” Haruka’s heart raced. “Will you marry me?”

“Oh Haruka. Yes.” Michiru pulled her in to kiss.

Haruka broke into tears the moment their lips touched. “Do you mean it?”

“Nothing would make me so happy as having you as my wife.”

“I want to be your wife.” Haruka pulled her close. “I’m going to be your wife.” She slipped the ring onto Michiru’s finger. It slipped around, a little too big. Haruka had not thought to check Michiru’s size.

“It’s perfect.”

Haruka looked down. “I tried.”

Michiru pulled her face back up and wiped her tears. “Haruka, love, I couldn’t be happier.”

#sam writes #sparkle sparkle it's the fucking holidays #Harumichi #minako #haruka #brotp #reinako #rei

[demitgibbs]

Kelly Chameleon: An Interview with Kelly Osbourne

Osbourne rebel on being open to dating women (‘never say never’), celebs who fake gay and mom Sharon sneaking her into a drag club

Hollywood spitfire and staunch LGBT ally Kelly Osbourne is feeling tense about her first book, “There Is No F*cking Secret: Letters from a Badass Bitch.” After all, “What if I change my opinion by the time it comes out?!” she says, laughing because it’s true (Photos: Darren Tieste).

Then there’s our revealing interview, where the opinionated 32-year-old actress, singer and now author – and daughter of Ozzy and Sharon – let her candid thoughts loose on topics ranging from her sexuality (“everybody’s gay”) to her openness about dating women and her issues with celebrities who feign lesbianism for publicity. And that recent controversy over her statement regarding President Donald Trump? She admits it really got to her. Turns out, even badasses cry sometimes.

Kelly, your book, which covers your personal journey to self-acceptance, could have a positive influence on so many young people trying to find themselves.

Oh, thank you so much! It’s the most vulnerable thing I’ve done in a while, I can’t lie. I’m kind of like, oh my god, I’ve actually done this, because for the first time in my life I wanted to take my power back, and instead of people telling me who I am, I wanted to tell them.

Who are some of your favorite badass bitches?

I mean, Elton goes without sayin’. Just people who’ve made a difference in my life, like Liza Minnelli. I think Lil’ Kim. It’s anyone who just learned to be themselves and take responsibility for who they are.

When were you first aware you had an LGBT following?

I don’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t been submerged in the LGBT community. It’s the only community that, even though I shouldn’t have belonged (laughs), accepted me. It was the only world I ever really felt comfortable in, because, and I say it in my book, I don’t know what it feels like to fit in.

What do you attribute that bond to?

I think my relationship, especially with the drag community and the drag world, became so prevalent at such a young age because of Boy George, of course, and Blitz Kids and that huge movement in the U.K. I think drag queens choose how they want you to see them and they do that knowing that they’re probably going to get a lot of sh!t for it, and that’s what magic is. That’s like, “F*ck you, this is who I am,” and you can wake up every day and be whoever you want to be. I love that.

When did drag first come into your life?

It’s never NOT been in my life. I mean, my mom was calling up (a drag club) in San Francisco; I was, like, 11 or 12 and being snuck into a drag bar. It was amazing. And there was a time I went to go see Cyndi Lauper on tour when she was playing in the U.K., and she used to have, like, 20 drag queens on tour with her. I was probably about 9 or 10.

You have to understand, my favorite childhood pastime was putting my mom’s lacy underwear and bustier on over my clothes – because I wasn’t allowed to wear them any other way – and going to see “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. “Rocky Horror Picture Show” is still, to this day, one of my favorite movies of all time. I loved the makeup. If you look really closely at the “Time Warp,” you’ll see where I get all my hair colors from. But yeah, everyone else was watching “Annie,” and I was watching “Rocky Horror Picture Show” and singing about sweet transvestites. (Laughs)

How much of your gay submergence do you credit to your mother?

It’s equally my mom AND my dad. In rock ’n’ roll, you were the outcasts back then and outcasts tend to find each other, especially in London.

How about Boy George – what was his influence on you?

I remember staring at my TV, thinking, “Is it a beautiful woman or a beautiful man? It doesn’t matter.” He was the first person to break down barriers. He single-handedly changed people’s perspective so much. And he’s such a smart man! If you ever sit down and have a conversation with him about his political views and his opinion of the gay community, he says things that are so spot on and so important because he’s lived long enough through good times and bad times to see what things really are. I love talking to him. And he has the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever looked into!

You recently wore a hat emblazoned with the words “I Am Gay.” Were you being literal?

You know my honest opinion? Everybody’s gay. It is a strictly human thing. You can’t put a gender on love.

But I know a guy – several of them, in fact – who insists he’s only into women.

Except he’s letting a guy suck his dick! If you ain’t tried it, you don’t get to tell me what you are.

Are you open to loving a woman?

I’m open to loving anybody. It’s about the person. I don’t think it’s about sexuality at all.

Your mother came out as bisexual last year. What have you learned about yourself from her regarding sexuality?

I told her, “Would you be the butch one? Come on, tell me, which one would you be?” Because whether it’s man and man, woman and woman, there’s always a masculine and feminine role. So I’m always like, “Mom, which one would you be?” And she’s like, “Oh, shut up, Kelly!”

But it’s not like I’m trying to be forward-thinking or progressive – it’s just that sexuality is a word I try not to even define the way the world defines it. It’s the person who you are sexually attracted to.

Do you not label your sexuality, then?

My whole rule is, never say never. I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman, but I don’t know that it’s not a possibility. But I also don’t like it when people claim to be gay and then not. There’s this whole generation of young Hollywood girls who can’t find love where they think it’s supposed to be, and then they come out being gay and two weeks later they have a boyfriend. It drives me nuts! I think it takes all the proactive work the LGBT community has done and sets them back. Oh, so now you’re gay? Then two weeks later: “Oh no, that was just a phase.” You don’t get to do that.

I’ll tell you who’s the worst with it: young female celebrities. And I’m like, I know you. I’ve known you pretty much since before you used to sh!t outside of a diaper. You are not gay! But I think outing somebody in that way is just as bad as outing somebody who has not come out of the closet. It’s one of those things I have to keep to myself… and it drives me f%cking crazy! I’ve marched till my feet bled for the right of equal love in the gay community, and you’re just gonna step in because it looks cool for you and now tell everybody that you’re a lesbian when you’ve never even seen another puss that’s not yours so you can get attention?

Where are we at with you having a baby with your gay best friend?

Oh, it’s inevitable. (Laughs) That’s just gonna happen. You know, I was so disappointed that I didn’t have a gay sibling. I was disappointed that I wasn’t gay even! Though I do still think that everybody’s gay, but still.

You’ve been to a lot of LGBT events: Pride with your mom, where you shut down protesters; Elton John’s wedding. What’s the most memorable gay event you’ve been a part of? 

Oh my god, that’s so hard to pick! I can’t really think of an event that’s not a gay event. When you really think about it, what major party have you ever been to that was put on by a straight person? Because I can’t think of one.

You tell me. I’m not the one going to Elton John’s birthday party.

It was really fun, actually. (Laughs)

Rub it in.

So, my favorite gay Christmas event is anything with Mariah. She just brings out the best in everyone. Everyone’s crying, being emotional.

I love that you consider a Mariah Carey Christmas concert a “gay event.”

It’s totally a gay event – I mean, have you gone?! It’s so much fun. And I love her. I went to Disneyland with Mariah and we had the best time. It was everything you’d imagine going to Disneyland with Mariah would be. A dream come true.

Late last year, while receiving the Trevor Hero Honoree Award at the Trevor Project’s TrevorLIVE Los Angeles 2016 fundraiser on Dec. 4, during part of your speech you said, “We have to give (Trump) a chance. And we do it by spreading love, not hate.” Do you believe we should still give him a chance?

I think we should give… you have to think about it. If we’re being told the truth, which we never really are, people voted for him, and at that time when I said that he hadn’t been inaugurated yet. I’ve had to stop watching TV when it comes to politics. I only watch – I think you can hear it in the back; I watch BBC News so I can get a different perspective, because in different countries they show you different things that you don’t see here. It’s a really scary time that we’re living in, and I’m not gonna pretend that it isn’t.

What scares you most?

The way that people feel totally lost, don’t feel safe. When people don’t feel safe, it manifests and comes out in evil ways. There’s a lot of evil going around right now when we were finally at a place where people were ready to love. Now people are just ready to point fingers, judge and blame.

I don’t get to vote. I’m still going through the process of citizenship in this country – if it goes through, because I don’t know how things are going to change. I do encourage people to vote, but when we went down to downtown L.A. to check out the marches after the election, I asked people, “Who did you vote for?” Nine times out of 10, people said they didn’t vote. I was so confused! Like, why are you here?

But I have to keep to myself right now because I don’t want to enter into this political cannibalism that’s going on where people say stuff and then everyone just eats you alive for your opinion. Every attempt I have made in defending the (LGBT) community I somehow manage to f#ck it up and piss everyone off. I cried over the backlash of the Donald Trump thing with my speech, because if you read my whole speech, you’d get what I was saying, but they put that one sentence in there and I was like, “You d!cks.”

How are you feeling about where we are headed regarding LGBT rights?

I don’t know – and that’s what’s scary. I mean, I’m sorry, you cannot give somebody the right to marry and then take it away from them. You can’t do that. You just cannot do that. But what I’ve learned right now, because everything is so confusing and every single day threats are made and until you fully understand what’s going on, it’s like, keep your opinion to yourself.

I’m aware that there’s gonna be a lot more to fight for in our present time. Until I know exactly what it is that I’m fighting for – everything keeps changing and one day this, one day that, and no one can figure out whose side to be on. People can only figure out how to hate, and I refuse to do that.

About the author:

As editor of Q Syndicate, the international LGBT wire service, Chris Azzopardi has interviewed a multitude of superstars, including Meryl Streep, Mariah Carey and Beyoncé. Reach him via his website at www.chris-azzopardi.com and on Twitter (@chrisazzopardi).

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2017/04/27/kelly-chameleon-an-interview-with-kelly-osbourne/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.tumblr.com/post/160059741745

[cynthiajayusa]

Kelly Chameleon: An Interview with Kelly Osbourne

Osbourne rebel on being open to dating women (‘never say never’), celebs who fake gay and mom Sharon sneaking her into a drag club

Hollywood spitfire and staunch LGBT ally Kelly Osbourne is feeling tense about her first book, “There Is No F*cking Secret: Letters from a Badass Bitch.” After all, “What if I change my opinion by the time it comes out?!” she says, laughing because it’s true (Photos: Darren Tieste).

Then there’s our revealing interview, where the opinionated 32-year-old actress, singer and now author – and daughter of Ozzy and Sharon – let her candid thoughts loose on topics ranging from her sexuality (“everybody’s gay”) to her openness about dating women and her issues with celebrities who feign lesbianism for publicity. And that recent controversy over her statement regarding President Donald Trump? She admits it really got to her. Turns out, even badasses cry sometimes.

Kelly, your book, which covers your personal journey to self-acceptance, could have a positive influence on so many young people trying to find themselves.

Oh, thank you so much! It’s the most vulnerable thing I’ve done in a while, I can’t lie. I’m kind of like, oh my god, I’ve actually done this, because for the first time in my life I wanted to take my power back, and instead of people telling me who I am, I wanted to tell them.

Who are some of your favorite badass bitches?

I mean, Elton goes without sayin’. Just people who’ve made a difference in my life, like Liza Minnelli. I think Lil’ Kim. It’s anyone who just learned to be themselves and take responsibility for who they are.

When were you first aware you had an LGBT following?

I don’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t been submerged in the LGBT community. It’s the only community that, even though I shouldn’t have belonged (laughs), accepted me. It was the only world I ever really felt comfortable in, because, and I say it in my book, I don’t know what it feels like to fit in.

What do you attribute that bond to?

I think my relationship, especially with the drag community and the drag world, became so prevalent at such a young age because of Boy George, of course, and Blitz Kids and that huge movement in the U.K. I think drag queens choose how they want you to see them and they do that knowing that they’re probably going to get a lot of sh!t for it, and that’s what magic is. That’s like, “F*ck you, this is who I am,” and you can wake up every day and be whoever you want to be. I love that.

When did drag first come into your life?

It’s never NOT been in my life. I mean, my mom was calling up (a drag club) in San Francisco; I was, like, 11 or 12 and being snuck into a drag bar. It was amazing. And there was a time I went to go see Cyndi Lauper on tour when she was playing in the U.K., and she used to have, like, 20 drag queens on tour with her. I was probably about 9 or 10.

You have to understand, my favorite childhood pastime was putting my mom’s lacy underwear and bustier on over my clothes – because I wasn’t allowed to wear them any other way – and going to see “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. “Rocky Horror Picture Show” is still, to this day, one of my favorite movies of all time. I loved the makeup. If you look really closely at the “Time Warp,” you’ll see where I get all my hair colors from. But yeah, everyone else was watching “Annie,” and I was watching “Rocky Horror Picture Show” and singing about sweet transvestites. (Laughs)

How much of your gay submergence do you credit to your mother?

It’s equally my mom AND my dad. In rock ’n’ roll, you were the outcasts back then and outcasts tend to find each other, especially in London.

How about Boy George – what was his influence on you?

I remember staring at my TV, thinking, “Is it a beautiful woman or a beautiful man? It doesn’t matter.” He was the first person to break down barriers. He single-handedly changed people’s perspective so much. And he’s such a smart man! If you ever sit down and have a conversation with him about his political views and his opinion of the gay community, he says things that are so spot on and so important because he’s lived long enough through good times and bad times to see what things really are. I love talking to him. And he has the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever looked into!

You recently wore a hat emblazoned with the words “I Am Gay.” Were you being literal?

You know my honest opinion? Everybody’s gay. It is a strictly human thing. You can’t put a gender on love.

But I know a guy – several of them, in fact – who insists he’s only into women.

Except he’s letting a guy suck his dick! If you ain’t tried it, you don’t get to tell me what you are.

Are you open to loving a woman?

I’m open to loving anybody. It’s about the person. I don’t think it’s about sexuality at all.

Your mother came out as bisexual last year. What have you learned about yourself from her regarding sexuality?

I told her, “Would you be the butch one? Come on, tell me, which one would you be?” Because whether it’s man and man, woman and woman, there’s always a masculine and feminine role. So I’m always like, “Mom, which one would you be?” And she’s like, “Oh, shut up, Kelly!”

But it’s not like I’m trying to be forward-thinking or progressive – it’s just that sexuality is a word I try not to even define the way the world defines it. It’s the person who you are sexually attracted to.

Do you not label your sexuality, then?

My whole rule is, never say never. I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman, but I don’t know that it’s not a possibility. But I also don’t like it when people claim to be gay and then not. There’s this whole generation of young Hollywood girls who can’t find love where they think it’s supposed to be, and then they come out being gay and two weeks later they have a boyfriend. It drives me nuts! I think it takes all the proactive work the LGBT community has done and sets them back. Oh, so now you’re gay? Then two weeks later: “Oh no, that was just a phase.” You don’t get to do that.

I’ll tell you who’s the worst with it: young female celebrities. And I’m like, I know you. I’ve known you pretty much since before you used to sh!t outside of a diaper. You are not gay! But I think outing somebody in that way is just as bad as outing somebody who has not come out of the closet. It’s one of those things I have to keep to myself… and it drives me f%cking crazy! I’ve marched till my feet bled for the right of equal love in the gay community, and you’re just gonna step in because it looks cool for you and now tell everybody that you’re a lesbian when you’ve never even seen another puss that’s not yours so you can get attention?

Where are we at with you having a baby with your gay best friend?

Oh, it’s inevitable. (Laughs) That’s just gonna happen. You know, I was so disappointed that I didn’t have a gay sibling. I was disappointed that I wasn’t gay even! Though I do still think that everybody’s gay, but still.

You’ve been to a lot of LGBT events: Pride with your mom, where you shut down protesters; Elton John’s wedding. What’s the most memorable gay event you’ve been a part of? 

Oh my god, that’s so hard to pick! I can’t really think of an event that’s not a gay event. When you really think about it, what major party have you ever been to that was put on by a straight person? Because I can’t think of one.

You tell me. I’m not the one going to Elton John’s birthday party.

It was really fun, actually. (Laughs)

Rub it in.

So, my favorite gay Christmas event is anything with Mariah. She just brings out the best in everyone. Everyone’s crying, being emotional.

I love that you consider a Mariah Carey Christmas concert a “gay event.”

It’s totally a gay event – I mean, have you gone?! It’s so much fun. And I love her. I went to Disneyland with Mariah and we had the best time. It was everything you’d imagine going to Disneyland with Mariah would be. A dream come true.

Late last year, while receiving the Trevor Hero Honoree Award at the Trevor Project’s TrevorLIVE Los Angeles 2016 fundraiser on Dec. 4, during part of your speech you said, “We have to give (Trump) a chance. And we do it by spreading love, not hate.” Do you believe we should still give him a chance?

I think we should give… you have to think about it. If we’re being told the truth, which we never really are, people voted for him, and at that time when I said that he hadn’t been inaugurated yet. I’ve had to stop watching TV when it comes to politics. I only watch – I think you can hear it in the back; I watch BBC News so I can get a different perspective, because in different countries they show you different things that you don’t see here. It’s a really scary time that we’re living in, and I’m not gonna pretend that it isn’t.

What scares you most?

The way that people feel totally lost, don’t feel safe. When people don’t feel safe, it manifests and comes out in evil ways. There’s a lot of evil going around right now when we were finally at a place where people were ready to love. Now people are just ready to point fingers, judge and blame.

I don’t get to vote. I’m still going through the process of citizenship in this country – if it goes through, because I don’t know how things are going to change. I do encourage people to vote, but when we went down to downtown L.A. to check out the marches after the election, I asked people, “Who did you vote for?” Nine times out of 10, people said they didn’t vote. I was so confused! Like, why are you here?

But I have to keep to myself right now because I don’t want to enter into this political cannibalism that’s going on where people say stuff and then everyone just eats you alive for your opinion. Every attempt I have made in defending the (LGBT) community I somehow manage to f#ck it up and piss everyone off. I cried over the backlash of the Donald Trump thing with my speech, because if you read my whole speech, you’d get what I was saying, but they put that one sentence in there and I was like, “You d!cks.”

How are you feeling about where we are headed regarding LGBT rights?

I don’t know – and that’s what’s scary. I mean, I’m sorry, you cannot give somebody the right to marry and then take it away from them. You can’t do that. You just cannot do that. But what I’ve learned right now, because everything is so confusing and every single day threats are made and until you fully understand what’s going on, it’s like, keep your opinion to yourself.

I’m aware that there’s gonna be a lot more to fight for in our present time. Until I know exactly what it is that I’m fighting for – everything keeps changing and one day this, one day that, and no one can figure out whose side to be on. People can only figure out how to hate, and I refuse to do that.

About the author:

As editor of Q Syndicate, the international LGBT wire service, Chris Azzopardi has interviewed a multitude of superstars, including Meryl Streep, Mariah Carey and Beyoncé. Reach him via his website at www.chris-azzopardi.com and on Twitter (@chrisazzopardi).

source https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2017/04/27/kelly-chameleon-an-interview-with-kelly-osbourne/ from Hot Spots Magazine http://hotspotsmagazin.blogspot.com/2017/04/kelly-chameleon-interview-with-kelly.html

[hotspotsmagazine]

Kelly Chameleon: An Interview with Kelly Osbourne

Osbourne rebel on being open to dating women (‘never say never’), celebs who fake gay and mom Sharon sneaking her into a drag club

Hollywood spitfire and staunch LGBT ally Kelly Osbourne is feeling tense about her first book, “There Is No F*cking Secret: Letters from a Badass Bitch.” After all, “What if I change my opinion by the time it comes out?!” she says, laughing because it’s true (Photos: Darren Tieste).

Then there’s our revealing interview, where the opinionated 32-year-old actress, singer and now author – and daughter of Ozzy and Sharon – let her candid thoughts loose on topics ranging from her sexuality (“everybody’s gay”) to her openness about dating women and her issues with celebrities who feign lesbianism for publicity. And that recent controversy over her statement regarding President Donald Trump? She admits it really got to her. Turns out, even badasses cry sometimes.

Kelly, your book, which covers your personal journey to self-acceptance, could have a positive influence on so many young people trying to find themselves.

Oh, thank you so much! It’s the most vulnerable thing I’ve done in a while, I can’t lie. I’m kind of like, oh my god, I’ve actually done this, because for the first time in my life I wanted to take my power back, and instead of people telling me who I am, I wanted to tell them.

Who are some of your favorite badass bitches?

I mean, Elton goes without sayin’. Just people who’ve made a difference in my life, like Liza Minnelli. I think Lil’ Kim. It’s anyone who just learned to be themselves and take responsibility for who they are.

When were you first aware you had an LGBT following?

I don’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t been submerged in the LGBT community. It’s the only community that, even though I shouldn’t have belonged (laughs), accepted me. It was the only world I ever really felt comfortable in, because, and I say it in my book, I don’t know what it feels like to fit in.

What do you attribute that bond to?

I think my relationship, especially with the drag community and the drag world, became so prevalent at such a young age because of Boy George, of course, and Blitz Kids and that huge movement in the U.K. I think drag queens choose how they want you to see them and they do that knowing that they’re probably going to get a lot of sh!t for it, and that’s what magic is. That’s like, “F*ck you, this is who I am,” and you can wake up every day and be whoever you want to be. I love that.

When did drag first come into your life?

It’s never NOT been in my life. I mean, my mom was calling up (a drag club) in San Francisco; I was, like, 11 or 12 and being snuck into a drag bar. It was amazing. And there was a time I went to go see Cyndi Lauper on tour when she was playing in the U.K., and she used to have, like, 20 drag queens on tour with her. I was probably about 9 or 10.

You have to understand, my favorite childhood pastime was putting my mom’s lacy underwear and bustier on over my clothes – because I wasn’t allowed to wear them any other way – and going to see “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. “Rocky Horror Picture Show” is still, to this day, one of my favorite movies of all time. I loved the makeup. If you look really closely at the “Time Warp,” you’ll see where I get all my hair colors from. But yeah, everyone else was watching “Annie,” and I was watching “Rocky Horror Picture Show” and singing about sweet transvestites. (Laughs)

How much of your gay submergence do you credit to your mother?

It’s equally my mom AND my dad. In rock ’n’ roll, you were the outcasts back then and outcasts tend to find each other, especially in London.

How about Boy George – what was his influence on you?

I remember staring at my TV, thinking, “Is it a beautiful woman or a beautiful man? It doesn’t matter.” He was the first person to break down barriers. He single-handedly changed people’s perspective so much. And he’s such a smart man! If you ever sit down and have a conversation with him about his political views and his opinion of the gay community, he says things that are so spot on and so important because he’s lived long enough through good times and bad times to see what things really are. I love talking to him. And he has the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever looked into!

You recently wore a hat emblazoned with the words “I Am Gay.” Were you being literal?

You know my honest opinion? Everybody’s gay. It is a strictly human thing. You can’t put a gender on love.

But I know a guy – several of them, in fact – who insists he’s only into women.

Except he’s letting a guy suck his dick! If you ain’t tried it, you don’t get to tell me what you are.

Are you open to loving a woman?

I’m open to loving anybody. It’s about the person. I don’t think it’s about sexuality at all.

Your mother came out as bisexual last year. What have you learned about yourself from her regarding sexuality?

I told her, “Would you be the butch one? Come on, tell me, which one would you be?” Because whether it’s man and man, woman and woman, there’s always a masculine and feminine role. So I’m always like, “Mom, which one would you be?” And she’s like, “Oh, shut up, Kelly!”

But it’s not like I’m trying to be forward-thinking or progressive – it’s just that sexuality is a word I try not to even define the way the world defines it. It’s the person who you are sexually attracted to.

Do you not label your sexuality, then?

My whole rule is, never say never. I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman, but I don’t know that it’s not a possibility. But I also don’t like it when people claim to be gay and then not. There’s this whole generation of young Hollywood girls who can’t find love where they think it’s supposed to be, and then they come out being gay and two weeks later they have a boyfriend. It drives me nuts! I think it takes all the proactive work the LGBT community has done and sets them back. Oh, so now you’re gay? Then two weeks later: “Oh no, that was just a phase.” You don’t get to do that.

I’ll tell you who’s the worst with it: young female celebrities. And I’m like, I know you. I’ve known you pretty much since before you used to sh!t outside of a diaper. You are not gay! But I think outing somebody in that way is just as bad as outing somebody who has not come out of the closet. It’s one of those things I have to keep to myself… and it drives me f%cking crazy! I’ve marched till my feet bled for the right of equal love in the gay community, and you’re just gonna step in because it looks cool for you and now tell everybody that you’re a lesbian when you’ve never even seen another puss that’s not yours so you can get attention?

Where are we at with you having a baby with your gay best friend?

Oh, it’s inevitable. (Laughs) That’s just gonna happen. You know, I was so disappointed that I didn’t have a gay sibling. I was disappointed that I wasn’t gay even! Though I do still think that everybody’s gay, but still.

You’ve been to a lot of LGBT events: Pride with your mom, where you shut down protesters; Elton John’s wedding. What’s the most memorable gay event you’ve been a part of? 

Oh my god, that’s so hard to pick! I can’t really think of an event that’s not a gay event. When you really think about it, what major party have you ever been to that was put on by a straight person? Because I can’t think of one.

You tell me. I’m not the one going to Elton John’s birthday party.

It was really fun, actually. (Laughs)

Rub it in.

So, my favorite gay Christmas event is anything with Mariah. She just brings out the best in everyone. Everyone’s crying, being emotional.

I love that you consider a Mariah Carey Christmas concert a “gay event.”

It’s totally a gay event – I mean, have you gone?! It’s so much fun. And I love her. I went to Disneyland with Mariah and we had the best time. It was everything you’d imagine going to Disneyland with Mariah would be. A dream come true.

Late last year, while receiving the Trevor Hero Honoree Award at the Trevor Project’s TrevorLIVE Los Angeles 2016 fundraiser on Dec. 4, during part of your speech you said, “We have to give (Trump) a chance. And we do it by spreading love, not hate.” Do you believe we should still give him a chance?

I think we should give… you have to think about it. If we’re being told the truth, which we never really are, people voted for him, and at that time when I said that he hadn’t been inaugurated yet. I’ve had to stop watching TV when it comes to politics. I only watch – I think you can hear it in the back; I watch BBC News so I can get a different perspective, because in different countries they show you different things that you don’t see here. It’s a really scary time that we’re living in, and I’m not gonna pretend that it isn’t.

What scares you most?

The way that people feel totally lost, don’t feel safe. When people don’t feel safe, it manifests and comes out in evil ways. There’s a lot of evil going around right now when we were finally at a place where people were ready to love. Now people are just ready to point fingers, judge and blame.

I don’t get to vote. I’m still going through the process of citizenship in this country – if it goes through, because I don’t know how things are going to change. I do encourage people to vote, but when we went down to downtown L.A. to check out the marches after the election, I asked people, “Who did you vote for?” Nine times out of 10, people said they didn’t vote. I was so confused! Like, why are you here?

But I have to keep to myself right now because I don’t want to enter into this political cannibalism that’s going on where people say stuff and then everyone just eats you alive for your opinion. Every attempt I have made in defending the (LGBT) community I somehow manage to f#ck it up and piss everyone off. I cried over the backlash of the Donald Trump thing with my speech, because if you read my whole speech, you’d get what I was saying, but they put that one sentence in there and I was like, “You d!cks.”

How are you feeling about where we are headed regarding LGBT rights?

I don’t know – and that’s what’s scary. I mean, I’m sorry, you cannot give somebody the right to marry and then take it away from them. You can’t do that. You just cannot do that. But what I’ve learned right now, because everything is so confusing and every single day threats are made and until you fully understand what’s going on, it’s like, keep your opinion to yourself.

I’m aware that there’s gonna be a lot more to fight for in our present time. Until I know exactly what it is that I’m fighting for – everything keeps changing and one day this, one day that, and no one can figure out whose side to be on. People can only figure out how to hate, and I refuse to do that.

About the author:

As editor of Q Syndicate, the international LGBT wire service, Chris Azzopardi has interviewed a multitude of superstars, including Meryl Streep, Mariah Carey and Beyoncé. Reach him via his website at www.chris-azzopardi.com and on Twitter (@chrisazzopardi).

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2017/04/27/kelly-chameleon-an-interview-with-kelly-osbourne/

[thujopsis-blog]

i am not a unicorn

Or, Why Representation Is Important

I’m sitting across from a friendly, young-looking doctor in a small room at Kelburn student health. She’s very nice, and listens carefully to my concerns about the severe menstrual pain I experienced on the weekend. After I’ve explained what happened, she begins to ask me a few, routine questions.

           “Are you pregnant?” she asks, “because that can sometimes be the cause.”

“No,” I shake my head.

“You’re not sexually active then?”

I smile and shake my head. “Actually I am. But I’m gay, so I’m fairly certain I can’t be pregnant.”

The doctor looks suddenly embarrassed and apologises profusely. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed!”

“No, it’s fine,” I tell her. “Don’t worry about it. Honestly.”

Cut to a year later. I’m in the very same doctor’s office, but a different doctor is sitting opposite me, explaining the procedure for a cervical smear test. After a number of minutes I feel I should mention my sexuality, as she is clearly under the assumption that I’m straight.

           “I should probably tell you,” I say, as she is showing me the speculum she is going to use, “that I’m gay.”

           That familiar, uncomfortable look appears on her face and she blinks, obviously ashamed. “My apologies! I shouldn’t have assumed.”

           “That’s ok,” I say. “It happens all the time.”

When I look back on these moments I don’t feel any resentment towards the doctors who mistakenly assumed me to be straight. I understand that there are certain questions they have to ask, and that the majority of students they see are heterosexual. All the same, I can’t help but feel frustration at this continuous cycle of invisibility. It is not only doctors who mistake me for straight: friends, family, people I’ve only just met, all assume me to be hetero unless it happens to come up in conversation, which, for the record, it rarely does.

           It’s true; I am not “conventionally” queer-looking (whatever that means). I’m not “butch” and I don’t flirt. I don’t wear badges that declare my sexuality to the world, although I do have a small rainbow ribbon that I wear on my coat. It’s not that I’m shy about my sexuality – quite the opposite, in fact. I am openly queer, and I want people to know this about me. But I also don’t want to have to explain, in patient tones, to everyone I meet, that I like girls. It’s just not the kind of thing that’s easy to slip into the conversation (Hi, nice to meet you. It’s cold today, isn’t it? By the way, I’m, like, Sappho-level queer”). I am lucky to know people who generally don’t bat an eyelid when I eventually manage to squeeze it in somewhere. However, not everyone is so nonchalant. One friend, upon learning of my sexuality, couldn’t stop himself from exclaiming: “but you’re so feminine!”

           For a long time I considered this issue of my queer invisibility to be a minor problem, nothing compared to the suffering that many queer people face at the hands of violent discrimination. In high school I relished my heterosexual façade, as I didn’t want anyone to know my sexual identity until long after I had said goodbye to many of my classmates. Nowadays, however, I am tired of it.

           I am beginning to realise that queer invisibility is a serious problem. It’s not just the confusion factor: how do I know if the girl I like is queer? And how does she know that I’m queer? And how do I tell her without admitting that I like her? That is a frustrating cycle that tortured me throughout high school and my early years at university. Now, I am in a long-term relationship and it’s not a problem I come face to face with anymore. But queer invisibility brings with it other, more insidious issues. How hard it is, to come to terms with one’s identity, when most of the world doesn’t seem to know that your identity exists. As a young woman growing up, my family took delight in asking me if I had “found a nice boy yet?” I would always tell them, patiently, that no, I had not. One day, my grandma finally found it in her to add: “or a nice girl – that would be ok too, you know.” What a relief that was!

           Naturally, this issue extends well beyond our familial relationships and friendships. It is not just the people close to us who make these assumptions, but everyone, everywhere. Nowhere is this more evident than on the TV screen and in the pages of our favourite books. In a rather charming conversation filmed between Daniel Radcliffe and J. K. Rowling, the topic of discussion turned towards Albus Dumbledore, whose sexuality Rowling had revealed after the publication of the final book in the series. Dumbledore, it turns out, was gay. This did not necessarily come as a shock to her entire audience: assiduous readers had already noted the close relationship between Dumbledore and the wizard Grindelwald. However, the exact nature of their relationship is kept deliberately vague. Rowling comes to her own defence on this matter: “his gayness… it’s not really relevant,” she says of Dumbledore’s sexuality.

           Not relevant? To Rowling, this must seem an appropriately PC response. Homosexuality is no big deal, after all. Why should she acknowledge Dumbledore’s sexuality if it has no bearing on the story?

Now Rowling, I know, is wise in many ways. Nevertheless, in this matter she is dangerously oblivious to the implications of her attitude. And in any case, their relationship is important for the story at large. Dumbledore’s relationship with Grindelwald is a significant one that explains some key things about Dumbledore’s character. Their homosexual relationship is relevant, just as relevant as Lupin and Tonks, Bill and Fleur, Molly and Arthur Weasley, Harry and Ginny, Hermione and Ron, &c &c. I could go on. How many heterosexual relationships does Rowling shove into her books, only to tell us that Dumbledore’s relationship with Grindelwald was simply irrelevant? Rowling’s cavalier attitude towards queerness does no favours for her queer readership. Apart from Dumbledore, there are no other queer characters in the books. None. Statistically, given the vast number of characters in Harry Potter, this is a grossly inaccurate representation of demographics. Furthermore, excluding queer characters on the basis of their relevancy sends a profoundly problematic message: that queer identities are worth including only if an Issue can be made of them. It is too much, apparently, to have queer characters in the background, quietly going about their queer business, with no obvious  “relevance” to the major story at hand.

Of course, the Harry Potter series is only one example of queer invisibility. Every day I am bombarded with posters for new movies, and advertisements for new TV shows. Where, I ask, is my queer superhero? (Where is my female superhero, for that matter?) Where is my queer protagonist? Most importantly, perhaps, where is my queer Disney princess? If popular film and TV was all one had to go by, it would be easy to assume that queer people, especially queer women, don’t exist at all (here I must acknowledge the excellent work of Orphan Black and Orange is the New Black to reduce lesbian, trans, and bisexual invisibility). It is not so difficult to see why this is a problem. Queer people already face discrimination every day, be it direct or indirect. We are reminded, constantly, that our sexuality is not “normal” in the eyes of most. Queer characters in literature and film are about as elusive as the unicorn. Yet estimates for the percentage of queer people in the world range from 3.5% to 20%, and even the lowest estimate suggests that more than 8 million Americans identify as queer. Disney, Rowling, Marvel, etc. can continue to deny it all they want, but the truth is that we, unlike the unicorn, exist! And we are tired of being kept in the shadows.

#lgbtqai #queer representation #femme invisibility #queer invisibility