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olderthannetfic · 1 year

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This got very long and i understand if you delete without reading.

Earlier this year, I decided that I wanted to spend less time on social media and more time writing and catching up on my book/show backlog. But for some reason any time I say something about wanting to focus on my hobbies I get push back from a friend as if that translates to me avoiding them (it's not. I talk to them on a daily basis but a lot of that is them sending me videos/tweets they want me to look at) I don't know how to explain that I don't want to waste my minute free time when I have hobbies I want to work on/indulge in.

They're in Fandom too so it's not as if they're confused at the concept. IDK how to put it, but it makes me feel discouraged that I feel like I'm expected to sit around waiting in case they want to chat and that if I say I'm working on something it's not important and I need to pay attention to them now but if I message them then I'm interrupting because they don't want to have to stop what they're doing to answer me. This leads to me doomscrolling Twitter because at any second they might want to talk so I feel like I can't do anything else because I struggle at multitasking. I can't text someone and watch something at the same time or whatever.

I don't know what to do about this because when I try to mention that I'm busy or working on something it gets ignored or turns into an argument. I am at the point where I dread my messenger going off.

I'm asking you and your followers for any tips because I am at my wit's end and you all have always been an understanding bunch.

I don't want to be a hermit but sometimes I need a couple of hours to write or read on my own. This is someone I have known for years who i know very well so it's not as simple as "take a break from Fandom and do your own thing" though I suppose that is what my goal was this year. Which makes it feel worse because for years we were really supportive of each other's interests/creative works and now it feels more like I'm meant to be supportive of them and not the other way around.

I know this was long, so thank you for even reading it. I appreciate even being able to vent safely.

As I read over this to make it as vague as possible it occurs to me there are multiple issues that just came pouring out. 😑 but. . .how do I get someone to understand I should have SOME time to do my own thing? I am starting to feel like they forgot I'm a separate person from them. They even get upset that I write fic for fandoms they aren't in and I am so very tired of feeling like I need to walk on eggshells.

"This got very long and i understand if you delete without reading."

This sounds very unlike me.

Re the situation, it sounds to me like these friends are either not very good friends in the first place or have backslid into "everyone exists to comfort me" due to pandemic stress or the like.

My dad calls things like writing "chunk work" where you need to work up to getting in the flow and you need uninterrupted focus. The opposite are all those petty little tasks that eat your whole day, like answering trivial business e-mails or doing the dishes.

Whether you have an attention disorder or executive function problems or no, most brains fundamentally have different modes and aren't good at doing things like creative writing without some uninterrupted time. This has very little to do with how much time you do or don't spend with friends and a lot to do with more consciously managing your day and your brain.

If these friends refuse to understand this or conflate it with taking a month off from friendship, that's a them problem, and you need new friends.

It's perfectly normal and fine to send a meme or a random discord PM to a friend and for them to respond hours later because they were busy.

It seems like there are actually 3 things going on here:

Your "friends" are pretending they don't understand how high-focus tasks work.

Your "friends" demand you be available at the drop of a hat in a way that is unrealistic and that ruins most people's schedules.

Your "friends" would consider it a massive imposition to be on-call for you in the same way but learn zero lessons about it being unreasonable in the other direction.

Possibly a fourth is that they have no intention of changing how they interact with social media, and they know that if you do, it signals the end of your routine interactions. And this might be true. I've lost friends, at least for a few years, when our internet use diverged.

But there's no way around it: if you don't want doomscrolling eating your time, you need to extract yourself from friend circles that interact heavily in real time on twitter. You need friends who write e-mails and wait for the response or who send a PM and are happy to come back to the conversation once you've answered.

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ilikepjo24 · 10 months

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Hi hello! Your recent Azula redemption post got me thinking (again) about who could give her the support that she needs. And I somehow always come back to thinking about Katara fulfilling that role at least partly. Katara, who didn't have the "fire nation=evil" mindset even back when Sokka did; who did the Painted Lady thing without telling anyone, just because she felt it was the right thing to do; who fucking gave Zuko a chance. Zuko. Of all people, back then. And who overpowered Azula in that final battle and actually saw her cry out in anguish. At that point, she did what she had to do, they were enemies and Azula needed to be subdued. But, later, I feel like she would want to... try and be kinder to Azula.

Katara is also just a kid, and it's hard to imagine her not getting tired of Azula's distrust (and Azula, being at her lowest, won't want to trust an enemy even if the enmity is questionable at this point), but I still think this could go somewhere, and at the very least I am bewildered that no one mentions Katara saying anything about Azula being locked in the asylum?? I haven't read the comics and I'm not going to, so idk if that's 100% on the writers or there's something that the fans ignore there, but it's so out-of-character to me.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, but honestly I just needed to get it out of my system, I'm totally okay if you just delete this ask or something.

Hi!

First, I'd like to start by saying I got nervous when I saw the ask because I thought it was a hateful one and I'm really, really glad I read it and realized it wasn't because I 100% agree with you and I think a couple of my mutuals do as well.

Personally, I believe that Katara would rightfully be distrustful and upset for some time, because it's hard to trust someone who has hurt you and your friends, even if you feel sympathy for them. But at the end of the day, you and I both know that she'll never turn her back on people that need her.

And Azula most certainly needed her at that time. Well, not specifically her, but she needed someone...

Preferably, I prefer it when that someone is Zuko but no one could ever convince me that Katara wouldn't care at all, or even worse, that Katara would be happy about it. Because that's just so ooc for her. She might not be Azula's biggest fan but we never see her be indifferent or glad to see someone in pain.

But neither Katara nor Azula would trust each other. At least not in the beginning. However, I don't think that would discourage Katara at all and at some point (50 years down the road or somth XD) Azula will have to accept that no enemy puts this much time and effort for you if they still view you as an enemy.

I'm delighted you haven't read the comics, they are terrible. Those comics don't feature the Katara you and I know, but a Katara that not only doesn't feel even a bit of sympathy (which is just basic human freaking decency at this point) but makes an effort to add to that pain Azula is feeling. Which is just not Katara at all, as we both know.

I actively encourage you to keep not reading the comics and keep on being so polite and pleasant when you interact with people. It can be very refreshing for bloggers ☺️

Have a nice day and thanks for the ask!

#asks #atla ask #atla #Katara #Azula #possible beginning of azutara discussions 🤨#anti atla comics

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cosmic-waves7 · 3 years

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hello! idk if this is the correct way of requesting (and if it is not PLZ DELETE bcs i'm embarrassed) but if it is then can i request isogai from assclass with a rlly rich s/o? and they always buy him food/clothes and stuff THX

Note: nope, you requested the right way you're just fine, here you go bub (~￣³￣)~

Omg, spoil this baby so much pls. (｡・//ε//・｡)

He deserves the world.

I will fight anyone who thinks otherwise.

ᕦ(ಠ_ಠ)ᕤ

Yuuma isn't very well off (not saying that if you're rich you don't work hard) so he works extra hard and does his best whenever he can.

This means he tires out a lot and refuses to ask for help.

ಥ‿ಥ

He has a good trait of independency as well as politeness and kindness though that attribute lands him in a lot of sticky situations where he refuses any aid.

But you balance him out pretty well and make sure he doesn't exhaust himself to oblivion. (・∀・)

Having you spoil him really gets him blushing quick.

To be honest he gets a embarrassed and a bit ashamed at the start of the relationship because he may feel a little out of your league.

In his head you're too good for him and he can't believe he landed someone like you.

He is a hopeless simp, this boy is whipped. 🤠✋

Once he has his own person to cherish he makes sure he is everything they want.

Doesn't change who he is of course, always stays true to himself and his values but he tends to lean in to what you say, you're very precious to him.

(｡・//ε//・｡)

Lucky you.

He's always been taught to care for others, especially his partner.

Of course money shouldn't and couldn't ever amount to your love but he wants to be able to securely provide for you now and later in the future.

If you know what I mean by future.

(◠‿・)—☆

Wants you to see him as someone capable really.

He never feels envious of your wealth and would never make you feel bad about who you are or your status in his life, he only feels as if he should better himself.

In his eyes you could do no wrong, he just has to work even harder.

Precious overworked bb.

This may lead to some light arguing between you both about how much he exerts himself in school and the café (that only you knew about up until the rest of the class visited it.)

Just reassure him that you always feel safe with him no matter who he is or how much money he has to his name and pull him out of work.

I'm sure his manager will let him off the hook, after all he's never said no to a task and has always stayed in everyone's good graces.

Spoil him all you like, make him feel special and wanted as well if course but you can see he deserves a break from it all.

Love him with all of your heart, your hidden in the deepest parts of his.

( ꈍᴗꈍ)

It'll take time but eventually he'll let go of the deep ingrained self-sacrificing instinct he has and will find an equilibrium of understanding that he doesn't have to tear himself apart to be who you need.

He'll slowly let you spoil him more, not in an over the top way.

He never properly gets used to your spending.

To him, it's a little obscene.

You love flustering him by paying off any dinners you two share or always surprising him with gifts that turn out to be things he'd briefly flicked his eyes towards with want.

That video game he spotted with you in the mall.

A cool watch he saw.

A series he would've liked to complete.

Those things may pop up at his door or you straight up giving those things to him.

Any desire he might attain, you never fail to fulfill.

You'll spoil him rotten if he doesn't stop you.

As you should (⌐■-■)

It never fails to flush him bright crimson and he always shows gratitude for everything you give.

There will be times where he'll try to refuse the gift with politeness, seeing it as you're giving him too much so you'll have to force him to accept a gift occasionally.

Once you briefly joked that he's your sugar baby, you've never seen him stutter and go so red. ⟵(๑¯◡¯๑)

Petition to endlessly spoil yuuma isogai and have him as a sugar baby pls.

He still prefers to pay you back indirectly his own way to show his appreciation for you.

Might be a drink or treat on the house that you never asked for at the café.

Might be an outing to quiet nooks of the city where it's just the two of you.

It'll always involve little acts of service or more physical touch to convey the way he feels, he'll always make it meaningful for the both of you.

(◍•ᴗ•◍)❤

Isogai simply adores you, wealthy or not.

He never fails to make your heart flutter and you never fail to spend a little extra love on him.

It's an adorable match that the girls of the class swoon and the boys tease Yumma about.

#headcannons #anime #fiction #assclass #assclass x reader #assassination classroom x reader #assassination classroom #yumma isogai #yumma isogai x reader #isogai #isogai x reader

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clambuoyance · 2 years

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it's always so fascinating to see other writers' thought process! you plan out so MUCH of your stuff, down to dialogue! i just make shit up as I go along and then edit if need be. it's a system that works for me somehow

like i have written a 70 thousand word thing and most of it was entirely unplanned. i started by going "hmm situation! yeah! and here's how it's gonna end i guess!" and then i made everything up as i went along, coming up with plot beats and character/story arcs as i wrote things down in real time

i'd write chapters in my head when i was out and when i got home i'd write something completely different because i very much am a stream-of-consciousness writer who writes what's on their mind at the time

and the thing is! the thing i wrote was good! even by my standards! there were several times i had to write around things i forgot (because i was posting it on a chapter-by-chapter basis) but other than that everything worked and stuff!

so i find it so cool that you plan everything out because then you REALLY have a sense of your story and stuff and i bet shit's a lot more meaningful (i havent read nothingbound yet because i don't usually read unfinished fics but i bet it's really good and you know i will be binging it when you finish it)

like if you planted something in chapter one about character A having a fear of heights and character B loving rollercoasters and later they go on an amusement park date, you might have planned that all out! for me it would be an "oh riiiiight i did that didn't i. time to work that into a later chapter i guess :)"

idk sorry for the long ass ask i just love seeing how other people plan shit out for their works and stuff

You're so right though, it's so interesting to see how different people make art/write stories. Honestly sometimes I wish I could just sit down and stream-of-consciousness this shit and come up with it on the spot, because I imagine I'd get a lot more writing done but I feel like I tend to overthink things. Lmao, whenever I write essays for school, my number one thing is making sure everything connects, so I guess that's just my brain. But sometimes i'm just so tired of trying to think of plot points that will happen ahead of time i just start writing and decide to fix it/refine it later. I do end up taking a lot out in the editing process, but i save most of it so i have a list of some deleted scenes saved.

It's also kind of like in animating, where you can animate pose to pose, with each key pose planned out, or animate straight to action going from one frame to the next, which is less restricting and more loose. There's benefits to both and some situations are gonna call for one or another, or both! :D

#very cool stuff #clam answers

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a-method-in-it · 3 years

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Trans(masculine) former Potterhead here! I still own the books, were a gift, a hardcover set from my mom from years ago. I even made a parody of Im a Lumberjack and I'm OK from Monty Python as I'm a Hufflepuff and I'm OK and helped found a Dumbledore's Army club at my High School I loved HP so much, I was obsessed, but now I have so many mixed emotions about the franchise I don't really know what to do.

I cannot speak for trans women, but as a queer trans person, if I see someone reading the books or watching the movies or wearing merch its like. Ok. I know I might get along with this person, they like the same stuff I (used to) like....BUT do they know how the werewolf thing is about AIDS, implying gay people are out of control monsters, and how the only villain with werewolfism specifically targets minors, implying pedophilia is a trait inherent in gay people? Do they know that when a trans woman reads the books they worry they wont be "woman enough" to keep the stairs in the girls dorm from turning into a slide, because they know that the author specifically thinks they don't deserve to sleep in the girl's dorm because of their gentials? Do they understand that JK Rowling's opinions are there, insidiously rooting into young minds? Are they reading this critically? Or do they support what JK is saying? Do they know all of these things and not care about it, dismiss it out of hand?

Does this person want me dead?

It boils down to a Feeling of Unease. Is this person safe for me to be around? There is a Very Real Danger that the person in the Ravenclaw Shirt and Golden Snitch Earrings is going to call the police on a trans woman going to the bathroom, or beat her, or even kill her, because the author of their favorite series has convinced them trans women are men in dresses and that men in women's bathrooms are dangerous. That person could also be a nice genuine nerd, queer themselves, even potentially a friend, but now I am Suspicious of that person. I am suspicious of anyone who openly enjoys it (unless they are children, kids don't know better, or if they have a tattoo, idk how old that tat is). They want to read it at home and want a discussion on new themes and how to make it better/less gross? Fine by me.

But if someone is publicaly supportting her, staying extremely active in the fandom defending the books or movies or JK herself, having and wearing merch which could direct new people (probably kids! Who will get Obsessed! And don't know better!) into buying things from her and giving her money? After all that she's done? After she literally helped create legislation against being trans?? Not cool.

The series is just simply tainted for a lot of trans folk like me. I still hold it dear foe what it did for me as a child, and I know if I read the series again I would still love it, but I would also HATE myself for enjoying it, knowing that the person who wrote this, the bit of her soul which she has given me, wants me dead. Wants my friends dead.

So I'm not really saying if you support HP publicaly people will see you as a TERF but I am also absolutely saying that people will see you as a TERF if you publicaly support the HP franchise. Death of the author is well and good when the author is dead and/or their estate doesn't get any money for new books or merch purchased, but she is alive and actively trying to kill trans folks, so literally anything that could be seen as support of her, or get others to support her even accidentally, can make trans folk uncomfortable and feel unsafe.

Hope this helped? I know I'm not the original asker, this is just my two cents.

Hi there! Thank you for posting this lengthy and very thoughtful response (and I hope you don’t mind my answering publicly -- if so, let me know and I’ll delete). There is one (admittedly very long) thing I’d like to say in response, but if you’re not looking for that, just know that I really value hearing your perspective and you can feel free to skip all of this and carry on your way.

---

You say that you would probably enjoy the books if you reread them, but would hate yourself for doing so -- and I just want to say that what you like does not make you a bad person or act as any valid basis for deserving hate, from yourself or anyone else.

Like, for instance, I’m a person who cannot stand horror movies and I am genuinely confused that anyone would enjoy watching terrible things happen to people for 90+ minutes. But I would never say that people who like horror movies are bad people just because they do enjoy that. The same goes for violent video games -- I don’t like them, but I don’t think the people who do are bad.

Because what media you personally enjoy has really no bearing on whether you are a good person. Being a good person is about how you treat others, whether you are kind, whether you are patient, whether you are understanding, whether you help people when you can and show up for the people in your life when they need you. It has nothing to do with whether you like a particular book or movie or videogame.

So if you do want to reread those books because you think they would bring you joy, I hope that you do.

Long before she became a TERF -- (and for the record, I don’t think that she was actively and consciously transphobic at the time when she was writing the books, for the simple reason that most of the people who are TERFs today weren’t at that point) -- I had already gotten used to tuning out Rowling and her fondness for Word of God pronouncements.

Like, Dumbledore being gay actually fit into the canon very well, but others? They just felt tired and not thought-out and her whole short history of American magic was incredibly lazy. The werewolfism=AIDS thing was offensive in very real ways--and also it should be noted just does not make sense as a metaphor. Not just because AIDS will kill you and being a werewolf will not and there’s no way to bridge that fundamental disconnect -- but also because the way people talk about being a werewolf in the damn books doesn’t resemble at all the way people talk about AIDS patients in real life. Which makes me think she didn’t actually mean for it to be a metaphor when she wrote it and then years later threw it out there because it sounded good to her in the moment because she hadn’t thought it through.

By the time we got to wizards shitting on the floor because she very clearly forgot that she had already had chamber pots referenced in the text, I was long-since tapped out.

Which is all just to say that it is beyond fair for you to use being a fan of Harry Potter as a data point in gauging your safety as a trans person -- but if we’re talking just about you enjoying the books?

Well, in that case, fuck Rowling and her weird post-canon comments that half the time don’t even make sense. If she wanted trans girls to not be allowed up the stairs to the girls’ dormitory, she should have put it in the damn text. As far as I’m concerned, trans girls and trans boys are allowed up whichever staircase matches their sense of themselves (and, I like to think, nonbinary kids get the run of the whole tower).

In fact, as far as I’m concerned, she lost the right to have me care what she says about the Harry Potter universe when all of her comments started being unbearably lazy, asinine, and/or nonsensical. If she’d been half this uninspired and careless when writing the actual books, I would have stopped reading them.

This has been a very long reply on that single point, but I want to end by saying that the point is, even if I accepted the premise that liking the Harry Potter books is in and of itself wrong -- and I hope I’ve made something of a case that it’s not -- it still shouldn’t be something you hate yourself over. Short of actually murdering people, I’m not sure there’s anything that’s grounds to outright hate yourself, honestly, but liking a book is definitely not on the list.

Either way, you seem like a lovely person, one who is very thoughtful and has been very patient and generous with your time in writing all of that out. I hope that you find ways to also be a little more patient and generous with yourself -- about Harry Potter or any other topic -- because you deserve that and you do not deserve to be hated by anyone, least of all yourself. And I also hope you have a good rest of your night.

#method speaks #jk rowling discourse #but this my friends #i think #is the end of it for me for a while #she sucks #on multiple levels #the transphobia being the worst #and then just going right on down the list #it confuses me #that the woman who wrote Prisoner of Azkaban #became this #but life is strange #and here we are #theflowerpunknerd

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dream-of-kpop · 5 years

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Minho × Hyunjin: Reveal

[this is basically funny "smut" idk man, i hope you enjoy tho :>]

[Some time at night]

*Hyunjin lies on his back, in bed, staring at his phone as he scrolls on Instagram*

Hyunjin: "I wish i had a girlfriend to send nudes to at night..."

Minho: *mumbles* "I mean *plays with hands*...you can send me nudes at night..."

Hyunjin: *sits up* "Nah...it wouldn't be the same..."

Minho: 😔

Hyunjin: "What's wrong?"

Minho: "Ohhh it's nothing"

Hyunjin: "Come on, tell me, we're homies, you can tell me anything"

Minho: "Can you not call me homie? It's very cringey"

Hyunjin: *clearly annoyed* "...Fine then"

Minho: "Ok but like...i mean why wouldn't you want me to see your nudes?"

Hyunjin: "What?"

Minho: "Forget i said anything"

Hyunjin: "What.....you wanna see my dick?"

Minho: *sweats* "...Um"

Hyunjin: "Hold up, I'm going to the bathroom, keep an eye on your messages"

Minho: *frozen smile on his face* "Ok"

*Hyunjin leaves*

Minho: "Holy fuck it's happening...YES-"

*Minutes later Jisung knocks on the door*

Jisung: "Hey Hyunjin did you h-"

Minho: "HYUNJIN ISN'T IN HERE, GO THE FUCK AWAY"

Jisung: *upset* "WHY ARE YOU BEING SO RUDE WHOEVER YOU ARE??"

*Minho replies in a high pitched tone but lowkey sounds like Mickey Mouse*

Minho: "GO AWAY JISUNG, NOW IS NOT THE TIME"

Jisung: "JEONGIN???"

Minho: "gO aWaY hAN"

*Jisung stomps away*

[Meanwhile, Minho keeps checking his messages]

Minho: "Damn hurry up already..."

[6 minutes pass]

*Hyunjin yells from the bathroom after taking his pictures*

Hyunjin: "DID YOU SEE THEM?"

Minho: "NO I HAVEN'T GOTTEN THEM YET"

*Hyunjin walks in his room confused*

Hyunjin: "Did you pay your bill? I sent them like 5 minutes ago"

Minho: "What do you mean 'Did i pay my bill?' of course i did, i still don't see the pictures tho"

*They both stare at eachother in silence*

Minho: "..."

Hyunjin: "..."

*Hyunjin checks all his chats*

Hyunjin: "Omg i haven't sent them yet...we're good"

Minho: "Whew...ok, send them now"

Hyunjin: "You might wanna sit down for these"

*Minho breathes in and out, sits down on the bed*

Minho: "Ok, I'm ready"

*Hyunjin presses send*

*They both wait patiently in silence*

Minho: "I haven't gotten anything yet"

Hyunjin: "I just sent them tho"

Minho: "Bruh if you sent them to the wrong person..."

Hyunjin: "Nah, I sent them to our Kakao chat"

Minho: "Lemme see"

*Hyunjin scrolls pass the random sasaeng accounts*

Hyunjin: "That's your profile picture right?"

Minho: "Nah...that's Jisung's...you can see his big ass head from here..."

Hyunjin: "Where?"

*Minho points to the screen*

Hyunjin: "Ohhhh..."

*Minho looks at Hyunjin's messages*

Minho: "WAIT, YOU SENT THEM TO JISUNG BRUH"

*Hyunjin quickly deletes it*

Hyunjin: "Fuck what if-"

Minho: "No one saw it, i didn't see it, this never happened"

*As Minho opens the door to leave, he sees Jisung standing in the hall*

Jisung: "Um Hyunjin, remember that blanket I gave you? Nevermind...just keep it" *speed walks away*

Hyunjin: "...Minho"

Minho: "THIS NEVER HAPPENED, WE NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN"

*Minho leaves Hyunjin standing in his room confused*

[The next morning, during breakfast]

*Everyone eats & talks but they notice Hyunjin, Jisung & Minho are oddly quiet*

Seungmin: "Why are ya'll so quiet?"

Hyunjin: "Nothing, just, tired..."

Jisung: *shakes head* "Nah...I saw some shit...some shit no one should ever see...I'm scared..."

Seungmin: ?

Seungmin: "You stayed up watching Family Guy again?"

hyungwonthefraud

*screen cuts to black* *classy family guy music starts playing*

#source: dream-of-kpop #kpop #stray kids #skz #stray kids au #kpop au #skz au #minho x hyunjin #kpop imagines #stray kids imagines #kpop scenarios #stray kids scenarios #kpop reactions #stray kids reactions #skz imagines #skz scenarios #stray kids hyunjin #stray kids minho #incorrect stray kids quotes

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

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Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: you're gonna have to go without me & my pom poms 💔💔 Janis: what, why? Jimmy: got detention Jimmy: & I've already checked the windows, like Jimmy: no escape Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Janis: Un🍀 babe Janis: leave you alone for five minutes Janis: what you do this time then? Jimmy: I didn't even do nowt Jimmy: barely said a word to this dickhead in tech who was proper giving it to me 🙄 Jimmy: should've just smacked him if I was ending up here anyway Janis: ugh Janis: bet he ain't going detention with you either Janis: teachers are cunts Jimmy: nah they didn't even hand him one out Jimmy: like fuck am I just gonna let him chat shit about us for the full lesson Jimmy: but now Janis: it's alright Janis: mean, obvious waste of your time Jimmy: I'm gonna knock him out when I next see him Janis: fair enough, I'd say Janis: I'll watch 👍 Jimmy: front row seat to make up for the one I'm missing, yeah Jimmy: you're still gonna win for me though Janis: 'course I am Janis: can't make promises for the rest of the team, though sure they'll try their best for you 😍 Janis: other School is pretty shit tbh so Jimmy: 👍 'cause I'm still taking for drinks later too Jimmy: & I'd rather you not have to drown your sorrows, pisshead Jimmy: sort them other girls out & make 🥇 happen, babe Janis: 💪 nothing but victory drinks, swear Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: 💕 Janis: stay alive Jimmy: [later] Jimmy: got my phone back Janis: you seen it then Jimmy: been @ed by half the school Jimmy: you alright? Janis: yeah, been reporting the comments but it don't do shit, especially when it ain't even my post so Janis: are you Jimmy: don't worry, he's gonna take it down Janis: nothing even happened Janis: I swear Janis: he's just pissed off 'cos I said it ain't gonna again Jimmy: it don't matter Jimmy: it's about what's happening next Jimmy: & I'm sorting that right now Janis: it matters to me that you hear the truth from me and believe it Janis: 'cos what he's saying, and everyone else now, is bullshit Jimmy: I know that he's the lad that gave you a lift & you didn't fuck him so Jimmy: whatever happened before ain't my business Jimmy: & nowt happened today either whatever he says Janis: it really didn't Janis: I wouldn't Jimmy: 'course you wouldn't Jimmy: it's alright Jimmy: it's not but Jimmy: I'm just saying I believe you Janis: Thank fuck Janis: I felt like I was going to vom Janis: I know Mia talked to you, she took great delight in letting me know Jimmy: Less chat more shoving screenshots of his snaps at me Jimmy: so likewise Janis: he's just a prick Jimmy: I got that Jimmy: & she's just having fun pretending that you & him have been fucking behind my back this whole time Jimmy: didn't bother telling her I've been there & I'd know, not very #goals Janis: I'm sorry Janis: this bullshit Janis: they wouldn't do it to you if you weren't with me Jimmy: why, you ain't done nowt Jimmy: & I am with you Jimmy: I wanna be Jimmy: they can't do shit to change it Janis: I like you too much to put you through this shit Janis: it's so Janis: stupid Jimmy: you ain't the one being stupid Jimmy: or putting me through it Janis: yeah but Janis: I don't know Janis: just hate it Janis: them Jimmy: I know Jimmy: but he'll be one less dickhead to worry about in a sec Jimmy: I promise Janis: what you mean Janis: he's not going to delete it Janis: already asked Jimmy: yeah he is Jimmy: I'm not asking Jimmy: I'm just about to make him Janis: where are you Jimmy: If I let you know that you'll show up Jimmy: it's better if you don't, alright Janis: Jimmy Janis: I'm not gonna stop you but don't do anything stupid on my account alright Jimmy: I ain't the one who's being stupid either Jimmy: It's okay Jimmy: not my first time knocking out this exact type of dickhead Jimmy: like I said, my ex actually was fucking around on me so Janis: that's shit Jimmy: it weren't any more fun for her Jimmy: not really Jimmy: she was messed up, is still probably Janis: still Jimmy: it don't matter Jimmy: that's not this Janis: I know but everyone else is convinced so may as well be Jimmy: Nah, I ain't so it's not even close Jimmy: only thing similar is lads chatted shit on her too, never did find out how many she really got with out of the loads who said Janis: anything to boost their own rep Jimmy: it was the ones who weren't saying owt that I had to properly watch Jimmy: they just did it & left me to walk in Jimmy: literally in some cases Janis: I'm sorry Jimmy: hang on Jimmy: he's here Janis: don't get hurt okay Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: leave that for him Janis: obviously Janis: I don't give a fuck about him though Jimmy: makes two of us Jimmy: [a fight later] Jimmy: post's gone Janis: will you tell me where you are now Jimmy: tell me where you are & I'll come meet you Jimmy: not gonna hang round the scene of the crime, am I? Janis: I'm at my nan and granddad's Janis: could hardly go out and about town and fuck being home when she's gonna be there Janis: take this bus [#] Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: be there as soon as Janis: don't worry, neither of 'em is in rn Jimmy: I weren't but Jimmy: alright Janis: just mean, not gonna make you talk to my entire fam Janis: are you okay? Jimmy: I don't care who I've gotta talk to right now Jimmy: I just wanna see you Janis: they don't live as middle of nowhere Jimmy: thank fuck Janis: I know Janis: not to be that bitch but you didn't answer my question Jimmy: what Janis: are you okay? Jimmy: are you? Janis: better when I see you Jimmy: I feel that Janis: Okay Janis: are you gonna bleed on me again though or Jimmy: nah Jimmy: you're safe Janis: I'm Janis: I know it'll get old if I keep saying the S word so I won't but Janis: I wish it didn't drag up all that stuff with your ex for you Jimmy: none of that is important Jimmy: just you Janis: you Jimmy: I love you Jimmy: that won't get old if I keep saying it, will it? Janis: no Janis: I love you too so I never get tired of hearing it Jimmy: good Jimmy: 'cause you know I can't stop when I've started Janis: yeah Janis: one of the things I like about you Jimmy: even if it has fucked the 🚭 Janis: I'll allow it Janis: you promised you'll stay Janis: and you're already dead yeah Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: 👻 lad me Janis: so you can't go nowhere anyway Janis: soz ginger trying to save your soul, too late Jimmy: & I can't get hurt either Jimmy: so if any other dickheads need fighting, it's no #drama Janis: not planning to make it a thing Janis: not that I planned this Jimmy: I get it, a weekly brawl would have me too 💪 & you don't need the competition Jimmy: not planning to become an athlete though you're alright Janis: you're an idiot Janis: a lovable one but Jimmy: an idiot for getting detention Jimmy: he couldn't have pulled that shit if I were there Janis: not like you planned on being too cool for school either Janis: give out detentions for their own amusement, sadists Jimmy: always too 😎 me Jimmy: for school or anywhere Janis: gift and a curse yeah babe Jimmy: exactly Jimmy: this bus actually run or what? Jimmy: I've been stood here ages Janis: yeah, last I checked Janis: if I knew where you were I could come to you Jimmy: leave it out Jimmy: you know everyone'll be talking about it tomorrow Jimmy: let them tell you Janis: Probably shouldn't come to School Janis: reckon I'm gonna get stoned Janis: not in the chill way Jimmy: the teachers are fucking useless yeah but I ain't letting nowt happen to you Jimmy: or letting anyone think this is more than just bollocks Janis: they'll think what they wanna, and they really wanna Janis: idc Jimmy: like I told you, I'll fight whichever dickheads need to be told Jimmy: I don't care Janis: can't fight girls though can ya Jimmy: I don't need to Jimmy: you can Jimmy: or however else you wanna sort it Janis: yeah Janis: fuck knows Janis: I don't wanna have to always deal with this Janis: the lads just think I'm a slag so they can get some, whatever, makes sense Janis: they're just cunty 'cos they wanna, like alright but why bother Jimmy: I've said it before Jimmy: they're jealous Jimmy: you're hotter than them Jimmy: & good at shit 'cause you're SUCH an athlete as I'm always also saying Janis: that's so fucking stupid Janis: focus on yourselves ladies, might get something done Jimmy: tweet it girl Janis: 😂 Janis: keeping well away from social media rn tah Jimmy: 💔 but you're my muse Jimmy: bit rude Janis: no one's stopping you from being 👑 of twitter etc Janis: @ me though, can't handle another blatant subtweet or indirect Jimmy: 👌 fine Janis: what Janis: you reckon I should come running to my own defence Jimmy: I don't reckon owt Jimmy: it ain't happening to me Janis: well Janis: bit Jimmy: nah I'm the #victim if I'm in this Jimmy: my DMs are full of girls offering a shoulder to cry or cum on Janis: that's disgusting Janis: truly Janis: gonna miss your way with words Janis: but that's what I get Jimmy: you should see some of the pics I've been sent Jimmy: disgusting them Janis: no thank you Janis: not actually my thing Jimmy: I weren't asked if any of this was my thing Jimmy: but fine, I'll take one for the team Janis: I know, I know Janis: it's gross Janis: pretty bold of him to do this when I've got the dick pics, like Janis: guess enough peeps have 👀 or he's that full of himself Jimmy: probably hoping you'll show 'em about & the girls'll swoon Jimmy: dickhead Janis: 🙄 Janis: wouldn't put it past them so nah Janis: burn my phone, burn my retinas, like Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: assume Mia is licking his wounds for him as we speak Jimmy: I hurt him enough, maybe she'll actually swallow him Janis: 🙏🤞 Jimmy: who the fuck is he Jimmy: why does he think he can be this much of a bellend Janis: idk Janis: he's fit and such an athlete, obvs everyone loves him Janis: good match Jimmy: he ain't fit & I beat the shit out of him so how much of an athlete is he Janis: well you know what I mean Janis: stereotypical jock pretending his life is an american teen drama or a really low rent porn Janis: idk, the fact he was such a dickhead worked at the time Jimmy: it's your type, don't have to tell me Janis: fuck off Janis: no it ain't Jimmy: he is, I am Jimmy: that's two for two Jimmy: unless you've been hanging round with some right nerds Janis: you ain't my type either Janis: people don't actually have types do they Jimmy: you tried to tell me I do as soon as I met you Janis: yeah and look where you've ended up Janis: types are for when you wanna play it safe and be disappointed Janis: know what you're getting, even if it's a steaming pile of 💩 Jimmy: you don't have to sell me on how wrong you were, girl Jimmy: I told you back then Janis: I wasn't wrong Jimmy: you said I have a type, I don't Jimmy: what are you calling it Janis: 👌 Jimmy: nah, come on Jimmy: what are you calling it Janis: you have a type but you got 🍀 Janis: obviously Jimmy: piss off Janis: 😏 Janis: jk Janis: very unlucky Janis: 'part from the bathroom fuck, worst girlfriend ever Jimmy: apart from every fuck Jimmy: get it right Janis: please tweet that final review Janis: not all bad Jimmy: alright Jimmy: hang on Janis: erm wait until you've dumped me, dickhead Janis: and wait 'til this scandal has blown over 'fore that or they'll have it #confirmed Jimmy: you don't reckon I'm gonna have more to say after I've been fucking you forever Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: thought I had a way with words Janis: you do Janis: that was beautiful baby Janis: please fuck me forever 💕 Jimmy: I already promised Jimmy: not gonna break it & your 💔 Janis: tah 👍 Janis: you are on the bus now though on the real Jimmy: it did show up yeah Janis: coulda told me Janis: rude Jimmy: didn't realise you needed a warning Jimmy: do you wanna countdown or what Janis: shut up Janis: too soon to be making jokes about needing time to see the last out the door Jimmy: so funny you Janis: I said it's too soon Jimmy: 👍 Janis: be my friend Jimmy: I don't wanna Jimmy: stop friendzoning me Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: okay be my boyfriend then Jimmy: I am Jimmy: who do you think you're chatting to right now Jimmy: might have the wrong convo, girl Janis: think I'd be better at this Janis: honestly Janis: rookie errors these Jimmy: tah for saying it so I don't have to kick you when you're down Jimmy: embarrassing really Janis: I'll do better next time babe Janis: promise Jimmy: yeah sort it out Janis: hey, you're hot, wanna help me cheat on my boyfriend Jimmy: not that kind of boy Jimmy: but you'll find loads of takers so don't be 💔 Janis: am a bit Jimmy: you're 💔 or you're calling me a bit of a slag Jimmy: either way, gutted Janis: I've called you a slag many a time Janis: not gonna half-arse it now Jimmy: & I've been gutted every time Jimmy: but tah for letting me know what you meant Janis: you know it's just guilt projection Janis: shameless, really Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: well that's your rep now, may as well Janis: cheers Janis: probs shit the bed a bit with him but like you said, loads of takers Jimmy: chin up, Jillian Jimmy: you've got that paddy 🍀 on your side Janis: such a charmer Jimmy: what you like about me Janis: you want a list or you just stating facts Jimmy: it's a fact Jimmy: don't wear yourself out with the list Jimmy: bet you've got loads of DMs to get through & fire sexts to write Janis: naturally Janis: I don't even know who some of these people are though Jimmy: I'd offer my services but I ain't written one for a lad before Jimmy: Barry ain't that tech savvy Jimmy: give him a ring or nowt Janis: boys are easy Janis: very visual Janis: your talent would be wasted, tbh Jimmy: that's tanked my get rich quick scheme Janis: 😕 Janis: soz Janis: start charging for your nudes instead of giving 'em away, probs Jimmy: I'll just charge every girl in my inbox for a reply Jimmy: be alright Janis: not me though Janis: mates rates right Jimmy: I'm charging you double every time you friendzone me, mate Janis: Baby Jimmy: triple when you really 💔 me Janis: when have I ever Janis: babe Jimmy: you want a list Jimmy: 'cause the bus ain't got that many more stops so tell me now Janis: that is so mean Janis: 💔 Jimmy: baby Janis: I'm too headfucked rn for your shennanigans Janis: just be here Jimmy: I really miss you Jimmy: so much Janis: I miss you more Janis: definitely Jimmy: you can't say that Janis: but I do Jimmy: you can't feel how much I miss you Janis: I wish I could Janis: I need to know that you're okay and you really do believe me Jimmy: when I get there I'll do my best Jimmy: but it's never Jimmy: all of it Jimmy: I wish I could show you that Janis: we got time Janis: right Jimmy: depends Jimmy: can we stay at your nan & granddads for a bit Janis: yeah Jimmy: then yeah Janis: I love you, you know Jimmy: I do Jimmy: & I do too Janis: no one else matters Janis: just you and me Jimmy: you're all I give a fuck about Jimmy: nowt's changed Janis: can we go somewhere Jimmy: where Janis: anywhere Janis: it doesn't have to be now, if you can't but Jimmy: I'd go anywhere with you Jimmy: any time you want Janis: I don't want us to forget Janis: that none of them, and their shit, matters Jimmy: I won't Jimmy: & I won't let you Jimmy: I just want you Jimmy: so much Janis: I fucking need you, Jim Jimmy: I need you more Jimmy: like actually Janis: I Janis: it hurts Janis: when you aren't here Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: me too Jimmy: but there's nowt keeping me away from you now Jimmy: soon as I'm off this bus we're together Jimmy: that's it Janis: nothing or no one getting in our way yeah Jimmy: I swear Janis: Good Janis: you're mine okay Jimmy: it's okay with me, yeah Janis: good Jimmy: meet me off here Jimmy: I have to see you Jimmy: I just Janis: coming Janis: let me just settle this dog, 5 minutes max Jimmy: like one 🐶💕 weren't enough Jimmy: but go on Janis: this one makes Twix look like an 😇 Janis: gonna be so glad to see her, you are Jimmy: you better make sure you see her Jimmy: that's the cheating you've really done Janis: don't think I can look her in her puppydog eyes tbh Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: for her though not you Jimmy: you know what you did Janis: 😭 Janis: I had nowhere else to go Jimmy: save it for her, babe Jimmy: I don't need your excuses Janis: you know you wanna put in a good word for me, come on Jimmy: maybe Jimmy: if only to get her off my case Jimmy: I ain't nobody's rebound tah Janis: gotta have standards Janis: respect that Jimmy: & I told you that early on Jimmy: bit late to go back on it now Janis: you did? Janis: well it stands up Jimmy: you've forgotten? Jimmy: which one of us might have gotten smacked in the head today Jimmy: get it together, like Janis: soz I ain't memorized everything you've said Janis: only pretending to be that highkey Jimmy: crack on with it Jimmy: you've got time, nerd Janis: you gonna stop chatting so much shit or? Janis: making my life hard Jimmy: make me Janis: I am omw Jimmy: be faster Jimmy: are you even an athlete or what Jimmy: if you ain't running to me so we can film it in slo-mo it ain't #goals my love Janis: you know I just won a 🏀 before being forced on a walk of shame Janis: I'm knackered Jimmy: shit I never even asked Jimmy: sorry Janis: you're alright, safe to say no one gave much of a shit before something more #drama happened Jimmy: I did though Jimmy: I do Janis: thanks Janis: you're a good WAG Jimmy: piss off Janis: 😘 Jimmy: 😒 Jimmy: it's weird enough that you play for any school teams, don't call me a WAG too Janis: gets you out of lessons sometimes Janis: you know you wanna Jimmy: gutted I'm too 😎 Jimmy: 'cause yeah Janis: you ain't too cool to be with me Jimmy: but seriously, what team are they letting me on Jimmy: #troublemaker me Janis: sure they'll reckon it's good discipline for you then 😏 Jimmy: 🙄 'course Janis: come on Janis: I wanna see the short shorts Jimmy: 😏 Jimmy: say please & maybe Janis: I'll say it when you get here Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: but only 'cause I wanna see you so bad Janis: Good Janis: I miss you Jimmy: just Jimmy: you be here Jimmy: I Janis: thanks Janis: for being you and not Janis: believing Jimmy: what else was I gonna do? Jimmy: you're the only one I like Janis: you could've though Janis: like, convincing, give him that Jimmy: if I was gonna be like that I might as well just fuck off now Jimmy: I mean it, all of this, it's the only thing I've got Jimmy: or want Jimmy: & we're a team whether the school lets me join in or not Janis: me too Janis: promise Jimmy: if you say nowt happened then it didn't Jimmy: that's all the convincing I need Jimmy: you don't lie to me Janis: I don't Janis: and why would I Janis: I didn't feel anything when we did do stuff so Janis: pointless now Jimmy: I remember Jimmy: you said Janis: I thought that's how it was Janis: just overhyped Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: even if now I've met you I don't reckon it was hyped up enough Janis: you're Janis: why are you so nice to me Jimmy: I told you, you're nice to me Jimmy: then I'm nice back Jimmy: it's a deal Janis: I'll be nicer Jimmy: how Jimmy: you're so Janis: again Janis: I'll show you Janis: 'cos I see you now Jimmy: yeah? Janis: mhmm Janis: have you forgotten what I look like Jimmy: he didn't hit me that hard Janis: Baby Jimmy: I'm okay Jimmy: I promise Janis: I'll check Janis: 'cos I'll kill him if he has Jimmy: 🤞 he's already 💀 Jimmy: I hit him hard so Janis: he earnt it Jimmy: I don't care about him Jimmy: it's for you Janis: me either Janis: just you Janis: did it make you feel better Jimmy: a bit Janis: yeah Janis: people bullshit when they say it won't Jimmy: I only wish I could have fucked him up worse for what he did Jimmy: & what he's like Janis: don't worry, his ego is 💀 if nothing else Janis: already 😷 'cos I turned him down Jimmy: that makes me feel loads better Janis: seriously Janis: it was pretty funny 'til it weren't Janis: 😢 like Jimmy: I love you Jimmy: how could I not Jimmy: that's real #goals Janis: wish you coulda been there Janis: coulda showed him why I don't want him Jimmy: me too Jimmy: it's not just him though, you don't want anyone else, do you? Janis: no one Janis: you know it's just you Jimmy: alright Jimmy: good Jimmy: come here then Janis: ['scuse them the most intense hello ever] Jimmy: [literally would & do need several moments] Janis: [can tell she's been in a state] Jimmy: [just all the reassuring touches in the world like he would not stop even when they are trying to walk again or whatever] Jimmy: [says 'afternoon' and smiles casually but is looking at her like & like I said just touching always] Janis: [blinking 'cos her eyes are stinging 'cos a bitch don't cry but she really thought y'all had fucked this up for them] Janis: ['hey'] Jimmy: [a boy sees & knows but he's keeping it chill for her] Jimmy: ['alright?'] Janis: [nods] Janis: ['now you're here'] Jimmy: [so many kisses basically wherever he can cos he can't stop himself like some are soft and some aren't cos all the feelings bitch] Janis: [holding onto him so tight and all the ilys] Jimmy: [likewise holding onto her like they about to drown like sorry everyone else about but not cos he would not be able to stop rn] Janis: [let's get you inside lads cheers for the empty grandparents] Jimmy: [more of the same when they're in lbr] Janis: [is checking his over like she said she would but is clearly fine suck it harry] Jimmy: [literally still can't stop touching her either even though low key would get in the way of what she's trying to do] Janis: [is loling but not trying to stop him 'cos never] Jimmy: [more kisses cos it ends them when the other one laughs] Janis: [softness bitch, getting him to the sofa 'cos she just wants to hold/be held for a hot sec] Jimmy: [give them a while with all those much needed snuggles] Janis: ['you're so important'] Jimmy: ['you are'] Janis: [let's self have sneaky cry 'cos overwhelmed as hell] Jimmy: [isn't gonna make a big deal of it even if he knows so just more of the same softness & being comforting & loving like] Janis: [laying on his chest listening to his heart] Jimmy: [playing with her hair from now until forever bye] Janis: ['it's fast'] Jimmy: [nods 'I told you, I had to see you. Needed to.'] Janis: [puts his hand on her chest, 'same', cos truly] Jimmy: [imagine what the fuck his breathing would have been like too omg] Janis: [let them just be so they can just calm] Jimmy: [later, he gets up to get them both a drink not alcohol let's not be wild, it'd be cute cos he don't know where anything is but still wanna do it for her] Janis: if you just wanted to look through the cupboards, that's alright Jimmy: just seeing if they got any posh silver I can have away Jimmy: life of crime starts here Janis: by the time the inheritance is split between us all I won't get much so Janis: go for your life, babe Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: [brings her a beverage probably tea actually cos that's what english people do] Janis: ['tah'] Jimmy: [goes back to snuggling like he never left] Janis: 'you're the best boyfriend'] Jimmy: ['you're the best muse. Very inspiring.'] Janis: ['what are you thinking right now?'] Jimmy: [kisses her cos he's thinking about how much he loves her/how happy he is this isn't fucked up etc but how to say] Janis: [smiles] Janis: works for me Jimmy: [kisses her again cos the smile] Janis: are you coming back to mine tonight Jimmy: yeah Janis: [bigger smile] Jimmy: [just 😍 at her] Janis: nothing's ever gonna fuck this Jimmy: works for me Jimmy: [smiles back] Janis: promise Jimmy: are you promising or asking me if I do Janis: both Jimmy: well I do Jimmy: [sips tea but not in a shady way lol] Janis: good Janis: 'cos I like you Jimmy: I love you Janis: [pouncing for kiss be careful of the tea] Jimmy: [cue make out session they both need & deserve] Janis: we can stay home tomorrow can't we Jimmy: we can do whatever you want Janis: I don't care if people reckon I'm running or being a pussy Janis: don't wanna be there Janis: just wanna be with you Jimmy: I don't give a shit about anything but you having what you want Janis: you Jimmy: [just pulling her into her lap for cuddles like] Janis: everything is alright when you're with me Jimmy: then everything's alright Jimmy: I ain't going nowhere Janis: me either Janis: [snuggles further in to prove point] Jimmy: [keeping them like that lowkey forever]

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sibilantly · 7 years

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hi, sib. i just read your fic persistence, and it was so beautifully done that i wanted to drop you a note. your writing has seriously been such an influence on mine, but lately i've been having so much trouble because of my ocd. now i can't read anything without nitpicking the grammar, much less write. it's been this way for months now and i feel like i'm losing my mind. all i ever wanted was to write something good but... well, at least i still get to read something by you. i shall be content.

I’m sorry for the delay in replying, anon. Your message was so thoughtful, but also struck this… almost painfully bittersweet, personal note with me, and I had to take a couple days to reflect.

I’m so happy you enjoyed Persistence - it was a lil 500 word labour of love, but it’s somewhat different from my usual body of work, and I was a bit nervous putting it out there. So I’m delighted you enjoyed it. And it’s quite flattering to hear I’m an influence on your writing, since I feel I’m still learning the craft of writing, in many, many ways. Thank you!

Now, as for the latter half of your message…

Oh, anon.

Nonny non anon, I feel you. I’ve been… well, perhaps not right in your shoes, as I have never had OCD. But I’ve been in the same vicinity, most definitely.

Up until half a year ago, or thereabouts, my writing process was: write out a few paragraphs (if that - sometimes it was barely a paragraph) and then rework them. I would rework them over and over and over, until I felt they were just right. Only then did I feel I could move on. I felt like I was laying the foundations for a house, you know? If I didn’t get the first things laid down just right, then everything that came after would be on shaky ground, might even come tumbling down.

Thing is, writing is more like sculpting. You dig up some clay (your discovery draft or your outline, whatever), you mould it (your first draft), and then you carve and add little bits, over and over (editing. and more editing. and more. fucking editing >.>)

Anyway.

Eventually, I started slowing down, and the threshold of what I could stand before I needed to edit got smaller. It became ‘write a few lines. stop. edit those lines over and over’. And then it became ‘write one line. stop. edit that line over and over’. Rinse, repeat.

It got to the point where I stopped writing completely, for almost half a year, because everything I wrote down was so far from what I envisioned in my head, it was crushing. I had the exact same despairing thought you did: ‘All I want is to write something good’. And if I didn’t write it down, if I kept it in my head, it was good. It was perfect, in fact. Surely that was better (I thought to myself).

I feel you, I feel you, I do.

I wish there was some magic bullet that I could use to erase all those thoughts from you, to divide writing from editing in your mind, because they’re two very different processes. I would… well, I would use it on myself first, because I am human and selfish, but then I would turn it on you, and everyone else who is plagued by this period ;)

But the horrid thing (which I was very, very displeased to realise), is that if you want to write, the only thing you can do in this period is just… push… through it.

It’s the worst fucking epiphany ever. If I got that in a fortune cookie, I’d be fucking pissed. But it’s seriously all there is.

There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to write, if you ultimately decide it’s not for you.

BUT.

If you do want to write, or if there comes a time when you’re not content with reading, and… y'know, you’re willing to indulge me, random fanfic lady on the internet, I want you to do this:

Pick up the pen (or put your fingers to the keyboard, but if you can, I recommend pen because you can’t backspace pen and paper) and eke out some words every day.

It doesn’t have to be a lot. It might just be a sentence.

Whiskyrunner, who we all generally acknowledge to be amazeballs, went through a period where her goal was 10 words a day because she knew she could achieve that.

That’s important. Pick a word count that you know you can achieve, not one you have to push yourself to achieve, because if you fail, you will self-flagellate. Trust me, I have been there. I hated every son of a bitch who recommended ‘write every day’, because for every day I failed to write a page, I’d hate myself a little more, and the joy I found in writing would shrink. (And they’d always recommend a page, or pages, and I’d be like, ‘What, motherfucker? There are some days when I can’t summon up the energy to get out of bed, and you want me to write a page? Pages?’ There should be some script that edits ‘write every day’ to ‘write an amount that’s achievable for you every day, even if it’s one sentence’, I think.)

Write until you hit your word goal or until you’re satisfied, whichever you have the mental energy and fortitude for that day. If there’s a day where you do the latter, don’t fall into the trap of thinking you have to match that the next day. Don’t move the goal posts. Your goal is still (X) words. Everything beyond that is like the stretch goal on a Kickstarter. Nice, but not the main aim.

Next (and this is the hard part - or, at least, it was for me: do nothing.

Don’t tweak them. Don’t delete them. Don’t touch them.

The second you hit your goal, close the doc, close your notebook - whatever you write in. You did it, you achieved the goal, which is ‘(X) number of words’.

Do whatever you need to do to remind yourself of that.

Your goal is not '100 (or 50 or 25 or 10) good words a day’. Your goal is words.

Just words.

To paraphrase Bane: now is not the time for qualitative judgement, only quantitative. Right now, you’re at the 'digging up the clay’ stage of the writing process. You’re just trying to get enough clay to sculpt into some lumpy-looking motherfucker which you will eventually carve down into your nice sculpture.

(Don’t think about the sculpture right now. Think about (X) number of words, and digging up clay.)

There was a point where I did all sorts of objectively bizarre things to remind myself of this, and to outfox my anxiety-ridden brain and its need to edit, including, but not limited to:

- writing on a fresh page each day, even if it meant 90% of the preceding page was still blank

- opening new docs each day to write my daily goal (which I would then have to piece together later, haha)

- using that program - ilys? - that only lets you see the last letter of what you typed

- muttering to myself ‘the goal is (X) words. the goal is (X) words. the goal is (X) words. only the number of words matters. only the number.’

If you’re anything like me (and, hey, I felt your message on a deep level, so I think we’re at least a little alike), you will hate every word you write with this process. You will hate this process, period. You will want to go back and retool the words because holy fuck, what if someone, somehow, gets access to your notes and sees this mess you just eked out? What if you die, and all that’s left to show of yourself as a writer is this half-written piece of shit?

(Okay, maybe that last fear is just me.)

Still. This is normal.

But how you feel about your writing immediately after writing it is not an objective, accurate measure of how good it is. You’ll be tired, you’ll be stressed, you’ll be comparing it to the image you have in your head and thinking about how far apart they are and despairing.

Stop there.

Close the doc (or the notepad, or the notebook, or turn over the post-it note (I did that at one stage, too - writing on post-it notes, haha)). You did it, you wrote the words. You dug up some clay. No one will see them but you, and whoever you choose to show them to. You can edit them later. You can make them better, or throw out whole paragraphs or whole pages if you need to. But later. Only after you finish the draft, however many new pages or new docs (or post-it notes) it takes.

Try to be kind to yourself. It’s so damn hard, I know it is, but try to remind yourself that what you wrote for the day does not define you as a writer. Even the finished, edited work does not define you. It just shows what you were capable of writing in that moment, on that day, at that point in time.

I can’t guarantee this will work for you. But there is something to be said for habit, for retraining one’s brain (to a certain extent). If you do want to try writing again, and you try this, anon, know that I’ll be proud of you, and I’ll salute you for the very act of trying.

Much love,

Sib

(P.S.: Here, I recovered a partial copy of the very first draft I wrote of Persistence. I don’t know where the rest is (on paper, probably), but hopefully it’s enough for you to see the difference between draft and finished work, and to… idk, have a good chuckle, maybe, but hopefully feel reassured, too ;). We all write shitty first drafts. They’re the clay that you mould into something better.)

They’re two levels down, in a sunny, light-filled build meant to evoke the mark’s childhood home and favourite holiday spot, when the windows and the door and the fucking walls blow in, and a SWAT team swarms in like a tide of gun-toting ants.

(DUST, STUFF FLYING EVERYWHERE. YELLING. CHUNK OF PLASTER GOES FLYING TOWARDS EAMES.)

Eames ducks, which means the chunk of plaster misses him, but, unfortunately, takes out Cixin, their extractor, with a wet crunch. They’ll have to work on Cixin’s spatial awareness later, Eames thinks.

The SWAT team levels their guns at the remainder of Eames’ team. Even a few years ago, Eames might’ve considered running. Now, he just raises his hands, gets down on the ground when ordered to.

Everyone else runs.

There’s sporadic gunfire, the sound of running footsteps, truncated screams and cut off swearing as Eames’ team is violently kicked out, one by one.

Eames stays where he is until silence reigns.

(FOOTSTEPS, A GUN MUZZLE AGAINST EAMES’ BACK, BUT NO SHOT COMES.)

Eames peeks upward, just in time to see the leader of the SWAT team yanks his mask off, revealing Arthur’s exasperated, sweaty face.

“I can’t believe you’re working today, of all days,” Arthur says. “I should probably shoot you just for that.”

“But you won’t.” Eames rolls over onto his back, smiles his most charming smile as he gets to his feet. “And you have to admit it’s somewhat fitting, me working today.”

Arthur smiles fondly, diluting the exasperation. “Maybe.” He looks Eames up and down. “You look good.”

“You’re lying, but thank you,” Eames says. He nods at Arthur’s outfit. “That looks good on you.”

Arthur is inspecting his outfit. “You know, this wouldn’t be a bad disguise, if you were working on an opposing team. Make the other team think you’re the mark’s militarisation–”

“Stop right there.”

“What?” Arthur says. “Worried you’ll be tempted away from the side of the angels?”

“Worried I’ll be tempted away from my regular paycheck, anyway,” Eames says, sniffing.

Arthur chuckles, then nods upward. “Are they going to give you the kick soon?”

“Not just yet. They’re probably debating whether or not I’ve gotten to the safe or not.”

“You need to get on top of that,” Arthur says. “You can’t have your team hesitating over what to do next on live jobs.”

#anon #anon reply #long post #text post #very very long post #navel gazing #writing #writing is hard #do it anyway

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