#idk which one i fear the most

[synonymroll648]

headcanon that as sophie ages, she gets more and more off-put by how she still looks twenty at some age past 40. the only wrinkles she has are smile lines and a barely-there crease between her eyebrows that never leaves. no gray hairs. it doesn’t feel like there’s any physical evidence of how much stress aged her too fast.

(maybe she dyes more grays into her hair to feel better about her reflection, the more time passes by. maybe, on bad days, she contours wrinkles into her skin with makeup. maybe the bad days get more frequent as she ages outside the human lifespan. maybe.)

#i feel like fitz and dex are the only friends of hers that really get it #since fitz understands more surrounding human cultures than most elves thanks to his firsthand experience in the search #and dex grew up with his mom’s romcoms #which would probably show some human perspectives on aging #and his mom explaining some things that didn’t quite make sense to Smol Dex #but i’ve always imagined sophie turning up on fitz’s doorstep in the middle of the night #with tears running down her face and saying she didn’t know who else to talk to about almost-immortality feeling so so so wrong as she #gets older. not necessarily just because he knows more about humanity than most of her group #but also because like. there’s some part of her that says ‘if he can help you through learning to be an elf at 12 maybe he can help you at #42 too’. and they’re cognates. and they’ve gotten old enough to set aside teenage grievances with one another #and i like the idea of them sitting on a couch together by lamplight and trying to navigate the cultural and personal differences #in how the two of them and humanity and the lost cities view mortality #and not really reaching a concrete conclusion. but rather. a conclusion that keeps the two of them sane until they reach triple digits. #and then they have the conversation again. and come up with a plan to stay sane in their triple digits. and the same thing pops up in their #thousands. idk man the whole thing screams trust down to the bone and that’s what they should have when the war is over #is there anything more Cognate than talking through wildly different fears surrounding the same thing that make both parties #super vulnerable??? down to how your minds work in the face - or lack of - death? #maybe so but i can’t think of them off top of my head #kotlc #sophie foster #kotlc headcanons #keeper of the lost cities

[sherlock-is-ace]

the imposter syndrome i feel every time i even slightly think i might be autistic is insane, specially for a person who highly relates to the lived experiences of people who are professionally diagnosed.

Like I was just watching this one youtuber, and she was talking about very specific examples in her life and childhood where she saw autistic traits that made her realize she was autistic and then seek a diagnosis and then get one, and everything she was saying was like she was describing my life! But yeah no, I can't be autistic tho

#and one thing that has been filling me with dread (as if it was relevant lol) is the idea of seeking a diagnosis and #either not geting it because it's already so hard to find a diagnosis for '''''''women''''''' (afabs) #and that will make me doubt myself even more! but most importantly those around me who already don't believe me #but also i'm very scared about this one thing in particular which is the talking to your parents portion of the diagnosis #where the therapist will want to talk to people who knew me as a child... and that person will have to be my mom #and i'm pretty sure she will dismiss most signs. like she would either not bring them up because ''they're normal'' #or play them as less important than they were #or maybe she didn't even notice them! because most of my struggles are internal! #things like being bullied or having no friends or liking a routine #idk if she'll be able to talk about all those #because my bullying wasn't violent it was mostly dismissive #my ''friends'' weren't really friends like i didn't CARE for them as maybe someone would have #and also they would leave me for no reason at all out of the blue... so i don't think even THEY considered ME a friend #and liking routine i guess she could say i prefered it but she doesn't know to the extent i hated going off it #i'm sure she forgot about the time i cried (as a 10 year old so not THAT young) because they made us change classroom #and i didn't know that was gonna happen... it was added to the anxiety that i thought my mother wouldn't be able to find me #but like the unknown classroom traumatized me (to this day i get anxious just thinking about that) #like... all those things i don't think she would bring up (if she could even) and i fear that will make me not get a diagnosis #not that this is a thing that's gonna happen cause as i established i cannot afford a therapist nor i'll ever get a diagnosis i don't think #so like it's not relevant #but i am anxious about it nonetheless #angel talks #personal #idk what's my point with this post btw i'm just venting and creaming to the void #dkfjhgdfg

[aroaessidhe]

2024 reads / storygraph

Lord of the Empty Isles

sci-fi/fantasy

set on a supposedly utopian planet recovering from a climate crisis, where bonds between people are able to be seen and manipulated (by some people)

follows a young man whose brother was cursed and killed by an infamous outlaw 5 years ago, and he’s finally able to curse him back - but it rebounds, as he’s somehow fatebound to the outlaw

to find a cure and save them both they have to team up, and he quickly finds out that the resources the outlaw is stealing go to the thousands of people neglected on prison planets, and he has to go against what he thought was right to help them

no romance, aroace MC, focus on platonic relationships

arc from netgalley, out june 6

#Lord of the Empty Isles #aroaessidhe 2024 reads #I enjoyed this quite a bit! But I think it could have gone a bit further in places. #It has some interesting concepts and a great cast of characters and yay no romance #I do have a lot of thoughts and little critiques... #it's p obvious where the plot is going and what's going to happen #There’s clearly a lot gone into developing this bond system but to be honest I still don’t entirely get it? #It seems to emphasise that the bonds just reflect connections between people rather than predetermine anything; but also the plot kind of #hinges on Remy and Idrian having a predetermined bond? There are a lot of explanations of intricacies but a lot of it didn’t sink in idk #It’s promoted as QP but to me it reads as a general platonic relationship. I generally expect a depiction of a QPR to have like.. #some form of acknowledgement/depiction of the form of their relationship being a particular (undefinable?) kind #with some specific level of commitment? I’m being picky maybe they mean queerplatonic themes/vibes rather than saying it’s a qpr #specifically. the centred platonic relationship is good! it doesn't seem like a qpr to me; at most what could one day be that #also things are solved quite quickly and easily in the end - both the curse and the downfall of the bad guy. #I feared it would go down the route of blaming things on the person in charge rather than emphasising systemic issues which it kinda does…. #It’s impossible to ignore right now just how deeply people are willing to believe dehumanising propaganda - and how 'telling the truth' #and exposing the person in power as bad doesn’t actually do anything so that happening here made me go…… oh okay. well. #there is room for a sequel that maybe will explore this tho. idk #complaints aside - I do recommend this! It was fun and pretty unique. #aroace books #no romance

[sonego]

speaking of being bisexual i am feeling very insecure about my gender and sexuality today it fucking sucks :/

#it's bc i'm wearing nail polish for the first time in months #so i feel #weird ig #i have new coworkers who have never seen me w painted nails before and i kinda idk always fear ppl will be weirded out #which ik. it shouldn't matter. but it does to me lol #i guess i was just kinda more feminine today so i felt insecure 😭😭 #sometimes i just wanna come out but it's like........ there gotta be a chance for it to come out like #i'm not gonna be like hey y'all i'm a big transgender homo btw! #i think tbh most ppl at work must've at least realized i'm some kind of lgbt #cause like. if they haven't they're so painfully oblivious???????? #anyway. one day i'm just gonna have a chance to come out casually and actually take it lmao #nico.txt

[thegreatestheaver]

Is it a hot take to say re7 is the scariest resident evil game …

#I genuinely have no idea what people think the scariest rezi game is? #if I had rezi followers I’d do a poll but I’m so deathly curious #re7 and 8 are the most .. hm #controversial maybe? minus the re3make #because of the swap to first person but that was the point #the perspective swap was to make ‘em scarier and I think they did a good job #re7 at least #I don’t rhink re8 is very scary sorry😭 #re7 just has a better premise #all the Mia cutscenes are fuckin. crazy. to me at least bc one of my biggest fears is getting stabbed with a huge kitchen knife like that #plus the baker house setting is purrfect imo #re8 is very much fairy tail vibes. not too spooky #the vampires aren’t scary theyre hot idk what you want from me. it was hot when ethan got his hand cut off by lady d ok. #I’m not scared of dolls or that ugly ass fish man neither so #not factories neither #just yeah. fairy tail. not scary #tbf I’m not scared of bugs so the whole bug part of re7 admittedly does nothing for me #which is a shame because it’s AMAZING #but no yeah re7 is so good and so so fucking scary LMFAO #god I need to peer pressure some of my friends into getting into the rezi series I need to be insane w someone abt it #unfortunately it’s a little hard to get into admittedly but once you’re in you’re IN

[ilovefredjones]

today my friend told me about the theory that the reason fred doesn’t have a catch phrase is because he DOESNT GET SCARED????? AND THATS WHY HE ALWAYS SPLITS UP WITH DAPHNE AND VELMA????????? HOW AM I JUST HEARING ABOUT THIS??????????

#did you all already know this and were keeping it a secret from me #i literally was tearing up #granted i was a little tipsy but not even that much #like. like. GAAAAAAAHHHHHH HE CARES FOR HIS FRIENDS SO MUCH #and idk. [insane person voice] even like if he doesn’t let on his fear #you know. like he has to be the brave one stauch in the face of danger #his reaction is ‘we have another mystery on our hands’ ‘let’s look for clues’ #and. god i’m so crazy but even his ‘catchphrase’ is ‘hold the phone’ #which isn’t even an expression of fear #it’s confusion if anything you know #god anyway #me when characters love their friends #me when fred is just so kind and compassionate and cares so much and struggles to express it #but it’s so palpable in his every action #this is why i love bcsd fred so much like he’s grumpy and neurotic but you can Tell how much he absolutely adores his friends #and how fond he is of them and how he always uses their skills in his plans #which is how fred works anyway but you know he’s their LEADER #not bc he’s the oldest or the ~man~ or any of that shit #bc he cares the most!!!! his heart is too big!!!!! he wants to protect them in any way he can #gah i need to finish bcsd #anyway. tumblr user ilovefredjones posting about fred jones #this is why i can never change my url #i simply love fred too much #scooby doo #fred jones

[fourteenthz]

I am greatly enjoying reading your ffxii tags

Crying and screaming abt this ask. I'M SO GLAD they were entertaining somehow!! I feel like most of it is me rambling but damn it, that game is so good. I have my final thoughts drafted to this day bc I felt like I was posting too many text posts abt it so LMAO this ask made my day. And month and year etc etc. TYSM 😭💞

#i just noticed my last post was before eruyt IM SO SORRY #the drafted thoughts i did kinda of overwhelmed post the final so its really rambly and lengthy lol but !! if u care to hear what i thought #abt stuff after golmore jungle here goes lol I'll try to be short: mt. bur omisace is really fun and the turning point there is really well #played!!! the stuff in the arcades draklor laboratory quests is like one of my favorites part of the entire game probably right after eruyt #which is not to say much since I'm insane abt balthier and fran but I genuinely loved everything abt the arcades part #the dungeon was fun the fight with sid just isn’t better than the other sid fight lmao #i genuinely think its the most fun boss in the game excluding some of the espers but again i might just be biased. i just love balthier #so much his character is so well written and well rounded everything that resolves around him is fun and also thank God for fran #the next part i felt like it was pretty rushed tbh like i adore the story points in it i love ridorana but you get to pharos #and its like a long ass dungeon that i really felt lost half the time with it's placement in the story tbh #idk i just really liked every dungeon in that game up until that point so I was like. what is this lol but they gave me #that gabranth and sid scene right after and gotta be honest. i forgot abt my anger so fast LOL genuinely. so good. #its what i said early i really like the story points in that part but the dungeon felt really short tbh but ugh framfrit and sid. that vena #part. that shit was so good lol i prefer that gabranth fight over last one but the ending for his character was also SO good I was like #alright u get a pass for a A+ fight too. i just like him too. the scenes with vane and larsa is TOP TIER too. that shit #scared me so bad i swear that kid was dying i was fearing for my life. its so weird the way thag i genuinely think vane loved larsa #he's just not normal abt anything ig. now i cant tell u if I was a bit over level at that part or not lol but I felt the vayne parts rushed #too. the start of when u first fight him vs that last phase. idk maybe i think i wanted more interaction between him #and the party since the banter on this game is phenomenal. but yeah i think that's the main gameplay points lol #now useless stuff bc im emotional abt them but kiss me goodbye to end that game? kinda weird bc i just think #ffxii is the most platonic of all ffs (even if I adore balfran with all my life and well vaan and penelo are there too) #and its by far one of my favorite things of that game. but also i cried while penelo was speaking over the song so who am i to say anything #really. i just think the chorus is so ashe and vaan coded. i really wanted their relationship to have more screentime #bc i feel like theres few scenes compared to the amount of similarities they have. also i was sad abt her alone THEY COULD'VE ADOPTED #SIBLINGS COME ON. now i only have 3 tags to talk to u abt my feeings abt balfran so. hear me out. phenomenal. show stopping. #they didn't need that last scene but they did it for me I'm literally in love with them. i love xii story so much but the development of th #relationships are is my fav part and they are really up there. i knew i liked them when i was a kid but didn't thought it was THAT much. #perfect duo really. i have nothing to add to them but also anyone feel free to ask me abt specific parts of this game. I'll go on for days. #ask #gyroshrike

[spidezer]

i'm counting on u talented jfo artists for at least one piece of art of cal and merrin trick or treating this october /j

#i wish i had money to commision u guys i would do it in a heartbeat #i love halloween. so much #still debating on a costume #depends on if i can sum up the courage to wear my inquisitor cal armour made of cardboard #otherwise i'll just pussy out and like. buy one idk #which is giving me anxiety bc i always put work into costumes so #and currently i have no backup plan. ANYWAY! bitch fit over #what do u guys think cal and merrin would b for halloween #i cant get the idea of cal with little bogling ears on his head hes so cute #merrin using nightsister magick to create the most god awful scary hallucination of herself probably #that inage is so funny cal as a little critter and merrin as the embodiment of ur greatest fears #anyway #cal kestis #nightsister merrin #jedi fallen order #jfo #halloween #trick or treating

[androcola]

i still remeber when someone vagued me on a monke.es confession account saying that i was romanticizing abuse(Several of my followers and moots then came out and were like That Simply Isnt True) and i think that really changed the way i talk about my headcanons

#anytime i wanna talk about somethinb im like ''oh god what if tjis gets me a call out post '' and i just dont post anything #they came to mw later on anon and apologized cuz thwy didnt mean it and that they were having a hard time. which was nice #but i guess im always afraid about delving into sorta ..deeper darker parts of my canon cuz i am afraid thag people will get mad #i try to do it very respectfully amd just talk about it as neutral as possible like anything else #theres a lot of stuff ive kept out of main tags because of that. and i try to tag accordingly #idk. i have a very carefully curated counsel of people on my blogue . but i still fear offending ppl #like on one hand i get on my thing and im like ''people these days just hate being challenged by media!'' #and then i realize i sound like a conservative stand up comedian. cuz the media i make it about is . literally so innocent #i really made it my own thing. i am deeply addicted to world building and making things deeper than they are #i think its a general consensus though in the fandom that mike had a shitty abusive dad. atleast amongst most ppl #all m onkee.verse .btw #sometimws i step back and realize just How Weird my canon is though. but then i remember the peter aids fic and then i feel better

[caffeinatedopossum]

Wow I just heard another autistic person talk about how much they hated automatic flushing toilets and I completely forgot but I HATE them with a passion. It was one of the main things I would get bullied about growing up (mostly by my family, but still). Like I considered that it was an autism thing (because the reasons I hated them were all sensory related issues) but idk just hearing that it's not just me was nice

#literally its so annoying though i hate it #theyre so fucking loud and they all flush at different intervals #and usually the bathroom lighting is like really dim or theres air hand dryers (aka the LOUDEST thing you could put in a bathroom skfkf) #and idk it just really sucks #like i actually remember how when i was a kid i memorized the different brands of The Fucking Toilets #so that i would know which ones were loudest or most unpredictable #and if that isnt the most autistic thing ive ever done then idk what is #in conclusion fuck those sloan ones they loud af. and also the ones with the small square censors #they literally will just flush whenever they feel like it istg #idk ive just also always felt really ashamed of it so i dont like to tell people #like everyone has always told me its a stupid fear and i had to get over it #but i never really understood why i couldnt #like... it was annoying for me too!! i garruantee i did not choose to have a weird phobia JUST to inconvenience you #(you as in my family/friends lol) #it still feels like a stupid fear tbh #at least im not the only one tho

[autistic-katara]

thinking about how last night i had a dream where my friend (u guys know the one) idk found out the way i feel abt him or smthn and got rlly mad at me for talking abt him behind his back (i haven’t been saying anything negative irl or in the dream, all of it has been pining 😭) and then got further mad at me for liking or reblogging some of his vent poetry bcz i didnt understand what it means/didn’t properly relate to it ig and in the dream it was true (kinda) but for some reason i didn’t wanna tell him that so i was like “no i do get it” and he was like “oh yeah? what does this one mean?” and i got it wrong bcz i interpreted the word “drew” wrong and yeah when i woke up i felt rlly weird in the way u do when u have a nightmare and u have to remember that no, that person didn’t die u don’t have to grieve them dw or whatever and yeah when i turned my phone on i saw this “while in do not disturb” thingy that said he texted me which scared the shit out of half-awake me 💀

#i know literally no one cares but fuck off it’s my blog i can post what i want #also most of the dream took place over text btw #(the only part that didn’t being the “tell me what my poetry means” bit #which took place in this weird wormhole thing #tho he was still speaking to me with written/typed words he wasnt talking) #also yeah he was very ooc he does not act like this at all irl 😭 (incase u were wondering) #idk i think my brain might be trying to tell me smthn cause that’s normally what happens when my phone plays a role in my dream- #idk what it is other than imposter syndrome abt mental illness #or fear of losing my friend bcz he finds out i have a massive crush on him #both of which i already knew #anyways yeah idk #dreams #ryan shut the fuck up

[cascaria]

writing is so fun !! why does it suck ass n balls

#aria void #fr I feel like im smashing my head against a cheese grater most of the time #sometimes something comes through but its not pretty #if it was just like a fear of writing something bad that would be something I could learn to get over #but i don't know what's holding me back #i occasionally have spurts where I can write a bunch but they never last long #which is how I end up with 5 billion unfinished story ideas I have no clue what to do with #i try just forcing myself to write anyway but my mind just goes blank #I can half visualize where to take things but its like there's a paper jam in the path to convert that into words #idk whats causing it idk how to uncause it and its the lack of knowing what the problem is that's so fucking frustrating #i have so many fucking stories in me but the one path to shove them out is an inch wide and always clogged #insert funny shit constipation joke heha #granted i think part of its just my various undiagnosed disorders kicking in and making it impossible to concentrate #literally I was trying to write a short story just now and sorta kinda starting to get somewhere #but i got distracted by ranting about how hard writing is and now my groove is unrecoverably thrown off #fuck my stupid baka brain

[allthatdivides2]

every night i ask myself. do i watch a horror movie or do i play minecraft. and the decision is impossible every time

#this is a lie sometimes i play ace attorney instead #but still. i am in hell #i want to watch a horror movie i want to see BLOOD i want to see SCARY STUFF. but watching a horror movie requires watching a movie. #which i have NOT had the fucking attention span for recently #im like 25 minutes into evil dead army of darkness and the other day i started scream 2 #and i want to watch jennifers body so bad and also american psycho #and those are just the ones at the TOP of my list #like that new dracula movie??? the last voyage of the demeter??? that movie looks actually SCARY #which is GOOD i want to EXPERIENCE THAT. #most of the horror movies i want to watch arent really Scary or at least not the ones im planning on watching next #like i watched the conjuring and i was like... idk. like it FRIGHTENED me. i felt fear for sure and like it stuck with me for a WHILE and #i still cant think about it too too much before i go to sleep cause my brain will start convincing itself like ooooooh theres a person #behind the door oooooooh theres a woman on the ceiling or whatever #but very few times when watching it did i feel like. actively scared #but like i was in the theatre watching a different movie when i saw the TRAILER for the demeter. and i was scared. #and like idk if thats the type of horror movie i want?? but i want tp try it???? #and just. UGH #i hate making decisions about how i want to spend my time its so hard

[horrorwebs]

i hate my best friend earlier i was like "im scared that this guy likes me bc he said something that i would only say to people who i like, but i recognize thats its a normal ass thing to say anyway and i rationally know he does not like me, but still, my brain decided to play with that concept and made me have a terrible nightmare the other night about it and now im subconsciously scared that he will like me ( with the underlying concept of "i am scared of men")" and shell go ohohioo what if youre projecting and its actually YOU that likes him. ????? bitch did you not hear the part about having a dream where he abused me or ...?sometimes being asexual is a nightmare nobody gets it

#and i have actually considered that btw.! and no i dont like him. if i like anyone its someone else entirely.and i dont like them either so #but she did not get it for the most part which i understand my feelings are unconventional and irrational and hard to follow. but i am #quite literally scared of the concept. of a man liking me. of this guy specifically bc we are good friends why ruin it!but just guys in gen #and i dreamt he abused me..... #literal nightmare i woke up scared and confused all bc my brain hates ne #anyway. she wants to have a gotcha moment so bad #like i said before. no its not about projecting and being scared of liking him #its about being scared that someone who i care about sees me in a way i dont and demands things from me i am not willing to give #+ someone being intimidating by having more experience compared to my 0 amount #+ feeling a bit intimiddated that my new friend group will find me immature as i am the youngest one #theres a lot of complicated feelings and a lot of confusing things bc of my asexuality but she sometimes doesnt get it #its not rly about liking him. also if i do in the future i wont really give myself a headache about it ive decided to stop worrying #about things like that it never helps. #anyway this is the friend i was hopelessly in love with and i can safely say i am over her now [tangent] #anyway. idk. sometimes i feel so stupid but this fear was idk a bit more than justa silly highschool 'what if i like them'and more #'what if the people i meet want to take advantage of me and i cant learn to say no' + 'what if i have a way of self sabotaging perfectly #good friendships by implanting irrational fears into them via dream' ? #you know. a bit more heavy #idk if anyone reads my rants id you doo cool thanks but whatever this is my diary maybe i should go nack to the psychologist idk #spikeposting

[blujayonthewing]

I was trying out variations on colorways for aubree's outfit and, with a few of them, realized that her outfit has trended slightly less colorful over time, and specifically less yellow (originally a green and yellow striped vest, then a green vest over a yellow short sleeved shirt, and now possibly a white shirt and green vest, with only small amounts of yellow embroidery). this wasn't intentional, but nonetheless, the concept that, as the adventure has worn on, she's outwardly losing color-- and specifically in favor of browns and whites, the colors associated with the halfling god of death-- is compelling to me. I mean, I suppose if I had been doing it on purpose, the shadowfell arc immediately following our literal deaths and mysterious rebirths would have been a really good time for the most muted palette... but, then again, aubree was still relatively fresh then, confused and traumatized but also still powerfully and stubbornly alive where it counts; vibrant, burning, shining light into dark corners just by existing. but the more we learn, the heavier things weigh, the fewer outlets she has, the less she feels like she can relate to the people who should understand better than anyone... she's still righteous and angry, but she's also just... sad, and tired, and growing more tired the more she feels like she has to keep herself together for everyone else. and gradually, quietly, her colors are washing out.

#not to be fake deep I guess I just love her #and she's having A Rough Go Of It #this isn't even the most rough SHE'S personally had this campaign actually! #but *I'm* a lot more upset about the party failing to give her meaningful support than she is lmaooo #THIS is more-- okay the raven queen is DEAD and the fate of COUNTLESS SOULS in transition is now uncertain #and it's directly because bringing us back to life significantly weakened the gods that did that!! that's all pretty upsetting!!! #also what might this mean for urogalan? or for our warlock's demigod patron who wasn't that powerful to begin with? #but lisbet's so far up her own invented grimdark emo nonsense that she's implying maybe the Right Thing would be for us to all die(???) #and talia's like [shrug] dude idk we didn't ask them to do that so who cares. whatever. it's literally not our problem lighten up #OH OKAY OKAY OKAY I'LL JUST CARRY ALL OF THIS FEAR AND EMPATHY BY MYSELF THEN. WHILE YOU ALL TREAT ME LIKE I'M BEING DRAMATIC. #THAT'S FINE. #[strained humorless grin] and she doesn't even KNOW about the time she was unconscious and being closed in on by monsters-- #and the party all ran in every possible other direction to do literally everything else other than PROTECT HER WHEN SHE WAS HELPLESS #justin had NPCs on standby in case things got ugly without The Tank but they straight up were the only ones who helped me at all #.... ANYWAY. all of which is to say. we're not on a darkest timeline path or anything but she's in the metaphorical moonlight right now #and it's only by the grace of 'I trust my DM' and specifically 'this campaign balances darkness with meaningful hope and love really well' #that she's not doing worse :') got some dark times to stew in #but now that I'm thinking about it I can be proactively thinking about when to bring more yellow back in #about me #my OCs #aubree

[labyrynth]

(ambiguous mention of non-standard eating disorder)

my mom asked me about treatment the other day and i am just. so not ready for something like that, let alone something i would want anyone else involved in, but.

i mentioned the picky eater’s recovery book to her and she ordered a copy. and it arrived.

and like. it’s something that i would like to work on. i don’t hate the way i exist by any means, but it would sure be a lot easier and more fun if it wasn’t something i had to worry about.

like i’ve wanted to go to japan since middle school, and it would be so much more enjoyable if i actually, you know. could eat rice.

and like omelettes look so good and sausages smell amazing, so like. i would really like to be able to actually eat them someday.

the thought of all of the work and anxiety that i would have to force myself to push through, though…it’s just so overwhelming.

i’m not really going anywhere with this. i just wanted to get some weird feelings off my chest.

#moi #personal #ARFID #cw: eating disorder #eating disorder mention #if you’re wondering what arfid stands for #(it stands for Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) #(which is fancy talk for Picky But Like So Bad It’s Causing Problems) #i’m honestly not sure why they’re lumped into the same label #bc there’s basically three branches (tho two of them are kind of related) #1) sensory sensitivity. usually taste/texture. kinda weird bc you Just Can’t Do It and you can’t explain. #2) fear of consequences—often inspired by getting sick after particular foods. kind of related to sensory sensitivity in fear of gag reflex #3) lack of interest. i don’t know much about this one; just. general lack of appetite. no hunger cues. food is a chore. #and the first two are kind of connected but the last one kind of isn’t? idk why they’re all under the same umbrella #it’s kind of an umbrella ‘for some reason you avoid eating the way most people do…but it’s got nothing to do with body image’ catch all #whatever #vent