#idk what the point of this post is….im embarrassed of how strongly I feel about this lol

[kareenvorbarra]

doomed to always be the only nahuseresh fan in the chat

#on one hand I get it bc he’s awful and he’s also the only major on-page villain we get? #the other antagonists either never actually appear (naheelid or the emperor) #or they are antagonistic but also sympathetic in some ways (sejanus or melheret) #or they become protagonists (irene in the thief) #even someone like hanaktos who is behind most of the plot of acok barely appears in it #erondites is the only individual villain who comes close to nahuseresh in terms of screen time #and he still feels slightly more distant from the main characters in general #it makes sense for people to fixate on nahuseresh a little when talking about bad guys in qt #but sometimes I think it leads to distortion of his character? I find him very interesting idk #and the whole story is less interesting if he isn’t fairly intelligent? he has these massive glaring flaws but he’s also good at some stuff #and just because he’s the most straightforward and present villain doesn’t mean he can be used as an all-purpose villain imo #there are things it doesn’t make sense for him to do #idk what the point of this post is….im embarrassed of how strongly I feel about this lol #fandom musings

[svankmajerbaby]

✨️🎀🎈💞💝🕯🎙🤲💌

!! thank u so much for the ask. i love talking about writing......

✨ What's a fic you've posted you wish you could breathe life into again and have people talking about it? (or simply a fic you wish got more credit)

-hmm theres a point in which i have to tell myself not to worry about likes or comments bc what really matters is me getting the practise and exercising my writing muscles and having fun with it... But. i do wish i could get more ppl into my toy story fic. its got a whole bunch of wonderful comments and kudos and stuff, i just feel so proud of it and writing it came so easy and i poured so much of my love into it, i really really wish anyone who loves these characters would read it too.

🎀 give yourself a compliment about your own writing

-english is not my first language so grammar isnt often The Best, but i take a lot of care with using words and expressions as correctly as possible, and I try to always spell words right (i dont think ive ever confused loose and lose, for example, which ive seen confused a few times). some descriptions of spaces are particularly well done, at least to my own criteria, and the song choices are fun (or at least fun to write and picture in my head).

🎈 describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?

- honestly, ive no idea. i think i get verbose, and i write long dialogue scenes. i overuse the — to lead into another thought, because thats kind of like how my mind works. i try to be "cinematic" in my writing and always start a scene with a description of a place, its lighting and its sounds, like im used to when writing scripts. and i got the sense that usually the characters often ramble and go on long discussions about stuff that maybe normal people wouldnt just start out discussing so strongly. but honestly id much rather someone else outside my own perspective told me what my writing is like, i would trust them more than my own opinion.

💞 what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

-the characters!! everything is important, and stuff like grammar often jumps out first for me... but i need to enjoy how the characters are written, and feel like theyre real people with genuine motivations and interactions. i dont mind too much if theyre not super alike to canon, as long as they feel true to the core of their personality and values.

💝 what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

-i was surprised to even get comments on my barbie frankenstein one. i loved writing it and it came through so easily and comfortably, but even though i had used that moderately popular meme of reimagining barbie as a gothic protagonist as inspiration i didnt really think it would be anything but something i liked to picture existing. i was so happy to see people enjoyed it too.

🕯️(there are two questions with this candle emoji symbol? i chose the first one, idk why theres two) was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

-the tiff fic :'^) ive always liked writing sorta dark stuff, ever since i was little, but this was on another level. sometimes i felt (and still do) feel a bit awkward bc i really do push myself to write stuff i feel a bit embarrassed or shocked by, but i do think that if i want to be a better writer it does me good to make an effort to depict stuff that makes me uncomfortable and seek to write it in a sense of finding a way to both make if effective and relatively tasteful (or at the very least in-character).

🎙️which one of your fics would you like someone to make a pod-fic of?

- i have never heard about pod-fic before, but i guess i can imagine what it is (wonder if its like an audiobook, or if it has sound effects and the like??). i would love to listen to an audiobook of the barbie frankenstein fic mostly bc i would love so so much to hear the dramatic literary dialogue ive written in kelly sheridans barbie voice. also now that i think about it i have no idea what the creature would even sound like... that would be an interesting challenge.

🤲 what do YOU get out of writing?

-practise writing in english, a sense of accomplishment (when i get to finish something!!) and every once in a while some strong validation in the form of ppl liking what i write... all of it is super valuable to me, especially practise and the push and drive to finish stuff to upload, but the validation in particular just really hits that dopamine in my brain i guess

💌 share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

-its from the glen and glenda fic im halfway planning! i got a few dialogues written and some scenes sketched out, but its still a long way to go. im very excited about it tho! ive grown to really love the versions of the twins ive made in my head. hopefully theyre faithful to their screen depictions while also adding a bit more depth and character building ive wanted to take them through.

#. 🦴 #i just noticed a writing mistake in that screencap of my glen n glenda fic fbfnnfjfhdhd #i didnt mention it but im also super proud of my mothers day fic. its the only one i made thats short and to the point #while still being effective like. emotionally. and i like the dialogue i did for it #idk man i love writing so much and even with how much im struggling with writing now #i still get such a rush of being able to make such things by stringing words together

[ranvwoop]

TALK ABOUT AMERICAN HEALTHCARE I HAVE AN IDEA OF WHY IT'S THERE BUT I WANNA HEAR THE EXPLANATION ALSO THE ONLY HOUSE THAT"S NOT ON FIRE (YET) FOR THE SAME REASON I JUST WANNA SEE THE ANALYSIS:TM: IF U WANT I WANNA SEE IF I GOT IT RIGHT :D

Hi :DDD. Thank u for asking,,,, I have many thoughts. I am sorry in advance. This is one of those things I will put under a readmore because I am into rambling. IT GOT A LOT LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED IM SORRY. Like. a lot. It was 4 pages in google docs because i dont trust tumblr to save my drafts

Okay a lot of my Ranboo thoughts are about the syndicate / boreal trio / peerpressure duo. But you’re probably aware I am a Them enthusiast first and both a dsmp enjoyer and person second. Because. I really like the syndicate. I also don’t have too too many thoughts on the more recent lore past the experiments. Once the in character monologues stopped, so did my brain. I communicate through monologue to monologue communication.

American Healthcare is actually gonna be the main reason why this is so long bc it works Very Much for like three different reasons. One sorta niche and abstracter reason is a stream that was basically never elaborated on back in March, either the day after or very close to the peerpressure Egg confrontation stream. The egg called him a coward (for some reason my brain can Only come up with the “stop saying i look like chicken little. he’s dumb, and a coward, and i am NOT a coward” vine), and he is not a coward, so he decided to make an action plan to bring the server together by acting as a mediator for all parties and try to make sure that everyone is happy, because he’s the only one that can see all sides, or something. This was where he said the big happy family™ line but other than Ranboo Become Dream?? analysis nothing else really happened and everything went along as normal.

(I also always held a little bit of suspicion on this stream actually and thought it might be the influence of the egg, because it says it can give one whatever they want, and ranboo wants to make everyone happy and this was a totally foolproof way of doing that. Sort of in a similar way that BBH is convinced that his plan will totally make Skeppy happy. But also Ranboo is just like that, but this felt a little more on the nose than usual and he did fall into the egg and made his decisions after being egged on by it, buT WE’LL NEVER KNOW, WILL WE?

… also I really wanted to see more egg conflict at the time. Peerpressure rlly got involved in the egg plot for cameos at the banquet and nothing else. I do not blame anyone and respect the ccs for all of their attempts to weave plots together but also. also…. we.. we coulda had so much…)

That was a little off topic from the point, but… he really just thinks he can save the sick… he can see that everyone on the server is unwell and is wrong but, y’know, look inwardly, the unwell is coming from inside the house. And an inherent problem of the way that the server runs. And if this is still lowkey in effect or not (idk man a) ranboo has monologued a lot I simply chose a one off from march to grow emotionally attached to and b) i think that my brain has shut off once ranboo stopped solo lore streams), it would probably go the way that most choosing to change the system from the inside goes. Which is the point of the song and stuff! He will inevitably decide what’s too far, whether he will either admit it’s a choice or just feel that it’s what he has to do. The, uh, dealing with the devil, to be polite.

in conclusion (but we are not close to done here i’m holding you for a bit longer), i think a lot about that stream and i think that shows what he wants to be, at the very least, and continuing down that path would definitely go into being far more trouble than just a noble goal of wanting to help people, from negotiating with corruption (The lobbyists, the Congressmen and lies bit) and that the server can’t really be brought together and saved like that (When things are more and more this way / Sometimes it's like they'd rather die)

THE LESS. vwoop why have you written an unnecessarily long post about one stream in your playlist character analysis reason is both more literal and piece by piece and also Syndicate, My Beloved, you know the drill. We are going line by line because I have a lot of feelings about American Healthcare, apparently.

This also comes back to that everyone on the server is doing Really Badly, all of the time, but mostly his time in L’Manburg. For one, he is pretty complacent in everything and doesn’t really accomplish much in terms of actual change, so like Well people die every day / I wouldn't have it any other way / I just think they should feel good while they are alive. An example of this is Exiled Tommy — who I’d also metaphorically put as the dead man just for funsies, since Tommy’s whole exile thing was one of the first things Ranboo experienced on the server—as he did try to be friends with Tommy and keep him company with his letters, but he still has no power over the actual issue at hand. Just trying to make it a bit more bearable. Similarly is Techno, while Ranboo still participated in the butcher army that was trying to kill him, he helped in the meantime until he “died”.

And then it’s the Realization that participating in the system doesn’t really help much, and the subsequent Everything. It could be getting mad at the whole government system and that he didn’t mean to contribute to the harm, or how he fought with Fundy using hs ideology but not in the way that Ranboo thought. It could also be standing up to his hallucination Dream, in that he doesn’t try this hard to be a good person just to be accused of helping with all of the things that he may or may not have helped with. (That is… a discussion for not right now, I don’t know.) And I think this sort of area is also where it’s like they’d rather die is also relevant, cause Doomsday. Nobody could just set aside their governments and just get along, though Ranboo had his own solution to fighting and things.

And then he joins the Syndicate! And the lyrics of the song are directly Government Bad, because government bad. Canon anarchist, has done things that he’s not proud of as a part of the government. The lines it was the government / … It got louder over the years / Until all that I could hear was flies and all.

But honestly I think in the Syndicate he’s still trying to “save the sick”! Because the Syndicate don’t All fit eye to eye either. He’s the token pacifist, and a vote against violence whenever it comes down to it. Not all anarchists are violent but Techno and Phil will probably react strongly when provoked, due to All the past events, and I live in a world where their trauma and issues get talked about as much as everyone else’s. Since everything is decided by vote it’d probably be split between them and Ranboo + Niki, who is in her healing/no longer resorting to murder arc. He’ll help them negotiate and then everything will Be Okay, ideally.

(Also I just like the idea of Ranboo believing that he is helping the people he’s living with because canonically cc!Ranboo has said he just really cares about his family and the syndicate are included in his family shut up but they also just believe they’re helping him and yes it’s self indulgent. I care them. Particularly Endduo, actually, or whatever they're called, I am not bold enough to think Ranboo looks at Techno and thinks I Can Fix Him, but. Philza Minecraft will one day talk about his feelings. One day.)

There’s also radioduo and beeduo as of recent— really I’m just saying I think that Ranboo constantly has a Need To Help People, believes he can do it, and it will come back to hurt him in the end (except for the Syndicate because I’m in denial. The Syndicate can’t fall out if they never stream together :) ).

THIS CONCLUDES THE AMERICAN HEALTHCARE PORTION OF OUR SHOW.

The Only House That’s Not on Fire Yet !! I like this one. This is also blatantly there cause Syndicate. They are the only faction that is not actively falling apart, and this could absolutely be because they never stream together. But I do not care. However we are also going to go through this one piece by piece because we’re nearing 1500 words here and I might as well embarrass myself more. I am writing an incredibly informal essay about Ranboo My _Beloved (i assume his middle name is My, and he’s just one of those people who write his full full name) and this is the third page. If you’re still reading this, I’m sorry. Here we go.

There are lines that just seem like an unwell but recovering person, and I like to sort of think that way about Ranboo in the arctic during the down time. “I feel knotted up today / But in a most exquisite way” and “I feel strangely regular / But honestly I prefer it to / The usual bizarre” are just! He’s just hanging out. He’s doing good. There is the acknowledgement that he’s usually not doing well, and all of the episodes that he’s had in the past, and it’s probably strange to be doing well in the midst of everything, and there’s probably something impending, but now? He’s doing good!

The verses directly after both of those ones are about uncertainty and trust and such, and I feel like that’s not necessarily about just One relationship but all of them. Will cause problems as long as he has an accomplice. He is not confident but he trusts and loves people.

“This suit doesn’t fit me / I made it conterfeitly” I just like to think about Ranboo in his fancy suit, but it’s just a little wrong because he actually has no idea what he’s doing. I also like to think about Ranboo in a cape to fit in with boreal trio and later the syndicate, and emerald duo had matchy blue outfits from the Antarctic Empire… and trying to fit in with them…. or maybe They make him something.. You know. Much to think about.

“Killing me with déjà vu” I think is like. A little less fun, because despite how well things are going, the enderwalk is still not resolved and he had even less answers when I started thinking “this is a ranboo song”. Just as it relates to having a strange sense of reality and stuff, which goes into specifics of enderwalk headcanons, which would make this far longer. Even though I’ve framed it as a negative, there is also the more positive note of “Oh! I just thought of how to change all the hate / Into love with the old switcheroo / Dancing in my déjà vu / You'll be dancing too” which I’d rather explain broken up but I feel like as it’s a full verse it should be together. The first part is connected to my general thoughts of him explained earlier tbh, he’s trying Very Hard to make everyone happy and fix things. And adding the second part to it is just like! He is trying to make sense of everything, and it’s not so scary as time goes by. Since the experiments where he’s been (questionably) trying to be more comfortable and get more answers.

This was very long. I am sorry. I am ending it here and probably not going to do much formatting to make it readable because it is very late o’clock and also this is four pages and 2000 words I am so sorry. But if you read this far then. Uhhh thank. ^v^.

#asks #vwoop.noises #☆graphite☆ #Reader. graphite in particular. i am so sorry. #this is. kind of just embarassing actually #if you notice a tone switch at the end its cause i got tired and didnt want to finish this in the morning #and look at my past sins #2k words of analyzing r*nboo in the direction of some internet songs. not. the thing you want to think hard abot that when you wake up #ok i fell asleep looking at the post page. 10/10 #but uh otherwise thank u for asking (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)

[nomadicbeard]

Hi! I saw on one of your posts you said that you used to be a stucky shipper. I actually started off as a stony shipper but then absolutely fell in love with stucky but I like both . I was just wondering what made you "jump ship" on stucky lol. Sorry if this comes across as annoying or anything im just curious!

Hey! As you can see a couple of people have asked me this over the last couple of weeks and I’m really lazy and haven’t got around to responding yet, but the people deserve an answer so here we go. Before we start a quick disclaimer: I’ll only be talking about the ships themselves, not the communities or any of the discourse surrounding them. This is not a ship-bashing of any kind and please do not take it as such, it’s just my own personal experience surrounding these characters and these relationships. 

 Buckle your seatbelts kids, this is a long one.

I first got into Marvel c. 2015. I’m European so I’d never really watched any marvel movies before that, I watched Age of Ultron on a plane and remember being vaguely aware the Steve/Tony was a thing (what is pretty interesting is that to this day I have no clue where that knowledge came from) but was mostly just excited by the superhero stuff. I then got home and watched The Winter Soldier and fell in love. I love the Winter Soldier, it’s probably still one of my favourite marvel movies (it got kicked out of its top spot by Black Panther last year unfortunately) and to me no other marvel movie could hold a torch to it at the time. So I came onto tumblr, searched up The Winter Soldier and was just inundated with Stucky stuff, as expected. I rolled with it, got invested just from constant exposure (it was also around the height of the Stucky ship) and as far as I was concerned, that was that. I was super into Stucky for almost six months and was pretty much your average shipper, I didn’t understand stevetony, loved Steve Rogers, was close to creating a Stucky sideblog wit some ridiculous pun as my username, I was gone over this ship.

Then one day, I sat down and read the man on the bridge by boopboop on ao3. You’ve almost definitely heard of it, but it was the most popular fic in the Steve/Bucky tag on ao3 at the time (for some reason I had just never got around to reading it until then, it was long and I didn’t have the stamina I have now). It was your pretty standard Stucky fic, Steve gets Bucky back, they have to deal with his trauma which results in Steve and Bucky declaring their long lost love for each other etc. etc. What was different about this fic, was that it was all told from Tony’s point of view, and since Steve and Tony were on the same team at that point, their dynamic was a huge part of the fic. And I found myself falling completely in love with Steve and Tony’s dynamic. I went back to the fic for this post (and god it is a good fic) and pulled up the first couple of chapters and instantly just found so many instances of that dynamic

(grade A stevetony arguing over each other’s safety with a side of flirting from Tony)

(Idk why but the image of Steve and Tony not going to sleep, but rather staying up and brewing coffee together was such a vivid one when I first read this fic, I still remember it to this day. )

(Tony picking Steve flowers while trying to desperately play off that he didn’t aka. Tony caring while trying desperately not to care)

(Everyone knowing that Steve would definitely come to Tony, apart from Tony himself.)

Now obviously, this is a stucky fic and I went into it knowing this, but I found when Steve and Bucky finally got together I felt honestly a bit bored, a bit cheated. I had no idea why at the time. I remember very clearly x-ing out of the fic at the end and feeling really uneasy, I came onto tumblr, went straight back into the Stucky tag and all was well.

When I next went back onto ao3, I started out with a couple of oneshots in the Stucky tag, but for some reason it wasn’t working for me anymore. I remember sitting there, a little bored, not at all invested in this relationship and just missing something. I figured I was probably missing Tony’s presence in the fic and so filtered in Tony Stark’s character tag. I read a few of those and all was well but I realised the same thing was happening as had happened in man on the bridge, the moment that Steve and Bucky got together, the fic lost something for me. Desperate at this point, and a little annoyed at myself I conducted an experiment and went into the Steve/Tony tag on Ao3 and as they say, the rest is history. If you go onto older posts on my main blog there’s a pretty drastic, almost overnight shift c. January 2016. I have to admit, I expected Civil War to be a conversion so I enjoyed stevetony without consequence for five months, while still labelling myself as a Stucky shipper because I expected to be pulled back to Stucky after civil war, the reality was that somehow I came out of civil war shipping stevetony harder than ever before. From there, I spent two years reading my way through the stevetony tag on ao3 and finally set up this blog in 2018, with a really obscure reference as my username and it’s been stevetony til I die ever since.

I just couldn’t read Stucky anymore. That’s what I mean when I say on this blog that stevetony has ruined me for every other ship, because it has. Steve and Tony’s firecracker dynamic pulled me away from what was fast on its way to becoming my favourite ship in 2015, all because they had a bit of banter on the side in a fic. It’s kind of depressing really, the sort of hold that Steve and Tony’s dynamic has over me, 

It’s strange you say you fell in love with Stucky, I fell absolutely out of love with it. I have thought a lot about how I ended up falling into stevetony and why I was so drawn to them instead of Stucky in the first place and I think it all comes down the the story itself. To me, Steve and Bucky’s relationship carries much more weight as a friendship, I still have no doubt that Bucky is one of if not the most important person in Steve’s life, but having that be a lifelong friendship is way more powerful and impactful to me, (especially since what I know I misconstrued to be Steve’s obsession with Bucky is actually Steve’s obsession over the past. I’m not saying Bucky isn’t dear to Steve and he does want to obviously rescue him, but looking back on it there’s more to Steve’s obsession with Bucky than just love, it’s a fear of change and it’s him desperately trying to hold onto a past that’s gone.)

Conversely, I feel like adding a romantic element to Steve and Tony’s relationship enriches the story being told, if you look at something like civil war (either MCU or 616 tbh) in the context of Tony being desperately in love with Steve, it makes a lot more sense, especially with things like The Confession in 616 or the stuff brought up in that strange conversation in the conference room in the MCU. There’s lines from Steve like “I’m home/you gave me a home” or even straight up “he loved you” and his tormented behaviour throughout infinity war and endgame that just really makes you wonder, not to mention lines from others like “you two still gazing into each other’s eyes/sounds like both of you got into bed with the wrong people” and they did have to share a bed at Clint’s farm after all lol. The tragedy of their story is heightened if you look at it through the context of them being absolutely in love with each other, just never having actually got around to telling it to each other’s faces. This tragedy is heavily implied in The Oath/The Confession in 616 when they confess their deepest darkest secrets to the other’s comatose/dead bodies, and apparently it’s always been that they love the other person. Actually you could easily introduce a romantic element by making relatively few changes to the MCU, but that’s a post for another time (I have a long and comprehensive list in my notes app on how little you actually need to change to make that happen, it’s literally the matter of a few lines of dialogue and one major story change at the end of IM3, an interesting thought exercise to say the least).

Finally, there’s a quote that came up on my dash the day I made that fateful venture into the ao3 stevetony tag, “your soulmate isn’t someone who comes peacefully into your life. It is someone who makes you question things, changed your reality, somebody that marks a before and after in your life. It is not the human being everyone idealized, but an ordinary person, who managed to revolutionize your world in a second” to this day, it resonates so strongly with me about stevetony. It’s everything I love about this ship just compressed into a quote. 

So yeah it was basically a bunch of happy coincidences, but thank god it happened. As a writer, stevetony has taught me so much about character and dynamic, stuff that is honestly invaluable. When you have long fics that basically detail the day by day life of Steve and Tony post-civil war in rural Italy and consists of them sleeping, crying and working through their repressed feelings (looking at you @silkspectred ), it is the characters and their unique dynamic that drive the entirety of the story. Steve and Tony, in the hands of a compelling writer, can keep me hooked over a frankly embarrassing number of words. I still have a bit of a special place for Stucky in my heart really, it did start me out in marvel after all and it was one of my first ever ships, but your first love is only so good until you meet your true love, not to get all sappy but stevetony has completely destroyed my ability to ship anything else. I might get a bit flirtatious with some other ships, like sambucky (I still love Bucky, and I love Sam!), or the riverdale ships (beronica and jarchie or bust), or even the game of thrones crack ships (daensa til the day we die), but I’ll always come back to stevetony.

So yeah this escalated into a far longer post than I intended to make but I’ve never really spelled out on this blog how or why I ended up jumping Stucky to Stony when I know it’s usually the other way around. I guess it just comes down to stevetony catching me out when I least expected it, and never having let go of me since. 

#and WORD #jesus this is a long post #stony #stony meta #stevetony #what i should be doing: maths. what i'm actually doing: crying about stevetony. it's an average day #ask #answered #anon #idk whether to tag it as stucky or anti stucky tbh #i'm going with neither and pray i don't get shouted at #steve rogers #tony stark #superhusbands #long post

[marshmellowtea]

hey!! im gonna send you a lot of charas, you can answer them as you want, I just wanna make sure you have enough to answer all you want!! seishi, nikei, ayumu, marin maki, komaeda, makoto, mikan and sayake, please!

aaaaaaaa anon ur so sweet ilysm ;o; 

i’ll probably have to divide these into a couple posts so i can break it into chunks for myself but i’ll start off with seishi, nikei, and ayumu here :’0 

also putting this under a cut so i hopefully don’t break anyone’s dashes 

seishi 

favorite thing about them 

he’s just,, baby?? he’s just baby hdfjaslkdfsdf i don’t even know how to describe it. i was attached to him the moment i saw him and the more i watched of him the more in love i fell he’s such a precious dork,, 

least favorite thing about them 

idk if this actually counts because this is more of a criticism of his writing than anything but it’s so annoying how people just default him to “standard evil villain” after the katagiri zen reveal like no,, there’s so much more that can be done with him,, how dare you,, 

favorite line 

tbh as much as i’m disappointed (read: angry) with the direction voices was going to go, “did you just call us horny?” is still an ICONIC line fhaslksdfjlksdf i love it so much 

brOTP 

him and marin! also him and mikoto,, and him and nico,, tbh him and any girl is good he just vibes “let’s go wlw let’s go!!��, y’know? i also like him and nikei being like. adopted brothers or adopted cousins tbh it’s really cute 

OTP 

seishi/akira/ayumu/saiji. yes that it as an ot4. yes it counts come at me bro. any seishi/rebirth boy ship is good tho 

nOTP 

i,, really don’t like seishi/girls fjadsklfjsadf feels bad man 

random headcanon 

he has TRAUMA dammit!! i hc that he has a backstory similar to maki’s in that he was forced into being an assassin at a young age so it wasn’t really his choice to get involved in all this. i’ve kinda ran that idea into the ground at this point though so here’s a lighter headcanon: when he was 14, he reeeaaaally wanted to be a cat. like, to the point where he’s embarrassed to look back on those days because oh my god he really straight up tried to act like a cat 24/7 huh? kinda ties into another headcanon of mine that he’s less mature than he lets on and tends to go through periods of feeling kinda childlike but ssshh shsh shsh shush

unpopular opinion 

he’s a good boy with a morally dubious job and that doesn’t make him automatically evil. y’all are just unimaginative, uncreative and mean >:( 

song i associate with them 

coughs at my seishi and zen playlists uhh there’s a lot tbh but the songs most strongly connected with him in my mind are “this is how you spell haha we destroyed the hopes and dreams of a generation of faux romantics” by los campesinos! and “i’ve got all this ringing in my ears and none on my fingers” by fall out boy (and yes those are two songs with very long titles i know hdfaklsjdflsd ;w;) 

favorite picture of them 

aaaa rebirth doesn’t have a lot of good cgs to pull from across either of its canons and idk if fanart counts so,, but gosh i really love his surprised sprite. he’s like :o. he’s so baby i love him so much 

nikei 

favorite thing about them 

he’s so interesting. it’s clear a lot of work went into his character, and it’s always a fascinating struggle to try and write him. i think it might be a bit easier after chapter four is fully translated but still there’s a lot of complexity to him and it’s interesting trying to break down his outer shell and get inside his head, y’know? also, he’s adorable. i wanna squish his cheeks. 

least favorite thing about them 

oh my GOD does my boy stress me out. i hate seeing him being mean to my other favorite characters and i’m always just like baby why are you like this please don’t ohmygod?? i’m gonna have to watch chapter four with my hands covering my eyes hasdfjslkdf i hate betrayal plots :’) 

favorite line 

this is kinda hard actually hasdkflsjdfk but “and she threw them away just like that? girl, are you a genius or an idiot, make up your mind!” from the third trial is reALLY GOOD FHKJDFLKDSF on a more heartbreaking note though him apologizing before he dies is just,, god. god.

brOTP 

him and the other voids!! they’re a family fight me. and him and seishi, ofc. i also like him and setsuka a lot though,, after chapter six i’m doubling down on my “she’s his mom!!” stance okay. i also like him and yoruko because i think they could have a fun dynamic (and maybe a soft dynamic with older yoruko,, maybe,,)(what i’m saying is that he gains another mom okay. let me project my mommy issues in peace) 

OTP 

i,, actually largely headcanon him as aro so there’s not a lot of ships with him i’m super passionate about?? i still kinda like him and setsuka in aus and such but other than that i mostly dropped all my ships for him after chapter six cuz it’s no big loss to me. though,, i’m not gonna lie, i still have a HUGE soft spot for sorakei. after seeing his free time events they just,, grew on me and i’d think they’d be really cute together c’mon guys can we make it happen- :’0 

nOTP 

nikei/mikado nikei/mikado nikei/mikado LIKE CAN WE PUT IT TO REST ALREADY I ACTUALLY HATE IT 

random headcanon 

his hair is actually naturally super curly and he straightens it every morning so other people don’t realize this. the other voids think it looks really cute pre-straightener but he thinks it makes it hard for others to take him seriously which is why he goes to such lengths to try to hide it basically he does NOT appreciate the cooing he gets from emma, thank you very much. hgalsdjfadlfkl

unpopular opinion 

i’m not actually sure if this counts cuz i don’t see this on tumblr at least but i don’t think we should take what he says to emma and hajime in the void theater at face value. i think despite what he says he actually does care about them in his own way, he just doesn’t really show it well because he doesn’t like to be vulnerable around others. he’s an asshole sometimes (actually a lot of the time hadsflkjsdflk), but that doesn’t mean he’s unfeeling or unable to care about people. 

song i associate with them 

once again side eyes my nikei playlist ahdfslksdfjslkfd a part of me doesn’t want to spoil one of the songs on it because i do eventually wanna release it to the public but i really just,, i really gotta go with “are you satisfied?” by marina. it’s just too perfect and i think of him every time i hear it now 

favorite picture of them 

honestly? his first tts avatar. no talk him. him angy his last tts avatar upsets me though LEAVE HIM BE LINUJ

ayumu 

favorite thing about them 

AAAAAAAAAA BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND he’s so sweet such a good boy!! i like that he’s empathetic towards others cuz of his luck and he cares about how it affects them. i like that he’s soft and definitely a good cuddle partner. i love that he’s a trans icon even if that’s not really the intent i don’t care he just vibes trans so well (gal or guy or nonbinary but i tend to stick with the trans guy headcanon cuz haha i transmasc-)  

least favorite thing about them 

i kinda wish he had more of a canon sarcastic side? i mean i’m gonna continue to write him that way lol but c’mon there had to have been times where his luck is just so wildly terrible that his inner hinata jumps out and he makes a quip about it hfkajsdfksdf 

favorite line 

aaaaaa his little hope speech during in voices’ chapter one trial makes me soft,, i love him so much,, i also like him shutting aruma down when she’s being too horny hdlkajdsflksdf it’s really good 

brOTP 

ngl i tend to ship him with most of the class so,, like,, i also brotp him with the whole class,, dalfksdlfkasdf 

OTP 

see above but my favorite of those pairings are ayumu/seishi, ayumu/akira and ayumu/mikoto 

nOTP 

when i’m headcanoning him as a trans guy: nico, misuzu, and kasumi cuz i hc them as lesbians. when i’m headcanoning her as a trans girl: seishi. kind of a nonissue when i go with a nonbinary headcanon though 

random headcanon 

he plays minecraft with akira a lot, but they always have to play in create mode where you can’t really die otherwise it’s just a montage of ayumu dying over and over again, pfft. even with unlimited life though he still usually ends up stuck somewhere and akira has to come dig him out and since akira’s a rude boy he’s always laughing his ass off as he’s doing it smh >:0

unpopular opinion 

it’s,, silly to be mad about his “secretly a boy” twist on the same level as you’re mad about the v3 protag twist,, it’s a fangan and not even that well known of one at that like it doesn’t really have the power to “break down barriers” like that or whatever tf you’re expecting hdsflkajsfdlksdf 

song i associate with them 

he’s another character i have a playlist for ahdflaksdjflaksd but “this is home” by cavetown and i cry every time :’) 

favorite picture of them 

once again there’s not a lot of canon art to pull from but i do adore the promo art of him with his “male” and “female” versions :’0 

#aaaaaaa thank u anon even just doing these three made me feel better :'0 #i'll try to get to at least three more tonight but i also have to go to bed soon so idk ;w; #and ofc the other asks i'll get to when i can #which'll probably be tomorrow but that's not important rn #drrb #danganronpa rebirth #sdra2 #seishi yodogawa #nikei yomiuri #ayumu fujimori #marshy answers #sdra2 chapter six spoilers #cuz there's some #uhhh hopefully that's all the tags i need lol #anon

[gg-astrology]

Hello! You're doing such a great job with the sun-moon post!! If you have the time, can you talk about Taurus Ascendant - Saturn decan? I'm a whole ass Cap and Saturn dom and I realized that even my rising is at 29 degrees which is Taurus-Cap decan. I'm like the walking dead :p

Hey there!! 💗💗 Aaaah thank u so much!! ;; I’m so sorry it took me so long to get to this ask sdkfjnskjnkns but I’m finally here! 💗

[Below Cut:  Taurus Ascendant -  Different Decans 😇 ] 

Taurus ASC -Taurus/Venus decan (0′-9′):   

They Are Beautiful But Do They Know :(((

Do They Know How Pretty And Charming They Are????

Youthfulness and Innocence like

Even when you’re NOT like that (bc u are Wise) you make others want to be Near you or With you or Around you

Attract People to you without realizing, you are the Prettiest Flower and People jus wanna Bzz Bzz be near you

Already....Taurus ASC are cynical of this description bc they put themselves down/trust their senses. Yet they fail to realize that they are oblivious/dense motherfuckers who tend to ignore feelings/awareness anyways.

Pretty eye smiles especially when you laugh?? Or jus doing nothing at all?? You have a little flick at the end of your eye like a fold that just

Endears people to you oooof

When you beam/laugh other people’s heart Will Burst 💞💞💞💞 

You are so chill with most things, but when you have likes-dislikes, they are Very Strongly Opinionated On It. 

Never,,,, want to lose. If you Set your goals on a Battle you Will Win It 

Literally, sometimes u are so petty did you realize?? It’s not about whether you’re right or wrong it’s a matter of Principality That You Win Bc You Put in Effort to Win This. 

Will Physically Stop people from Fighting but WOW when YOU start fighting....

Luckily you TRY not to fight people so much, even tho sometimes you can be bratty and playful 

Your voice like wind-chimes but we’re not gonna talk about that bc you don’t believe any of my good complimentary descriptions of u and im not wasting them on u anymore :((((

They are Authentic and if they commit, they Commit Fully. 

Will Remember the Smallest Stuff about Others (Good Memory) Bec You’re Secretly Romantic (Hopelessly so) and You’re Needy 

It makes you Satisfied (emotionally) to see people happy and content and fulfilled??? 

If your little effort and bring that much joy/happiness to others then you Will Do It 

Can possibly be partially shy and timid too ok ;;

But Will Get Competitive About Compliments/Being Nice to People  

Taurus ASC - Virgo/Mercury decan (10′-19′): 

Once again, they Will Remember You 

Good Memory to the point where it becomes like-- both sharp and scary

In this case (Taurus/Virgo) it’s more ominous… They Will Remember Your Face. 

Remember That. 

Don’t test them. 

They Will Remember.

They Know.

💀🔪💀🔪💀🔪💀🔪💀🔪💀🔪💀🔪

Jokes aside, yeah no they Do have good memories no lie

Will remember embarrassing things about others from 8 years ago and mention it at a festive gathering

‘Hey remember when you embarrassed yourself but it was so endearingly cute to me I jus want you to know that’

Tradition Upholder, Wants to Compliment people but also like??? Please?? Consider my Feelings????

A GIVER

And by that I mean they will give you advice and nurture/care even when you Don’t Want It

They jus... Want to Show you Their love/support y know??

Please accept 💀🔪 because they’re quite stiff/awkward sometimes as well skdnkn

If you’re suffering from a hangover, mayhaps they will help you (take care of you) 

Or they may just come lie on your bed and watch you suffer and crack jokes LMAO 

Has Wisdom to Embark Upon You Always?? Cares about you and notice when you’re uncomfortable with something??

Will Shut That Shit Down Quick (Subtlety) because they Know you’re uncomfortable 

One of Your Best Writer/Speaker Friend Honestly,, if they aren’t shy/timid enough to show you their works 💀

They Will Weave Things Together that are Just Magical

So Natural…. If you Stink They Will Not Touch You

Sensitive,,, like Actually More sensitive than you realize

They might not Always show it but they are :((( Inside they are,,, softer than this

They jus have this Front,,, of being dependable and serene and a lil idk awkward ig

Take care of you through words….or like, secretly

Mayhaps they are the Best Shoulders To Cry On

(Don’t leave snot on them tho)

Your Environment is important like

No Sweat 🚫🚫🚫🚫 No Snot 🚫🚫🚫 No fluids on you at all times!! 🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫

Has to be the nicest smelling person in the room otherwise They Will Die

Also!! Mayhaps they prefer to be Clean and Natural. 

Organically Grown Taurus ASC 💀

Taurus-Capricorn/Saturn decan (20′-29′):

Best Pep Talk You’ll Ever Get

Will Get You Into Gear Without being Mean About It

They May be Blunt but They Mean Well

Is your Strength….if you Can’t Hold yourself Up

Imagine your Dad But Better

Or maybe your Coach??

Either way

They Will Always Be There For you

They Will Protect you

And They will Get You Your Enemy’s Head (jk jk)

Doesn’t Like People Telling Them What To Do/What To Change Though

They Like Their Autonomy and Will Fight You!!!! 

Imagine Aquarius But Less…. Them.

Aquarius Are Capricorn Side-Reels Anyways 💀💀💀

Basically….They Will Want To Be Free Sometimes

Gotta Let Them Have Their Own Independence

They Will Probably Volunteer To Help With Children/Elderly/Pets tbh

(Is Actually Kinda Wonky)

Your Funny Friend

But Also Serious >:(((( Friend

Will Ask you how your life is going, how you’re doing

Deep Talks Instigator

Doesn’t know sometimes,,,, how to Not Care

They Will Always Look Out for you and Sometimes

Stress out About You (lmao)

Taurus/Capricorn cares about people so much they Burden themselves with Other people’s problems

And then others are like ‘ok go lie down ure an Elder now’ and they will Role Play that Role

Honestly,,,, so fast at role-playing???

Idk what is up with that but ok

Quick Wit like,,,, if you start a break up scene with them they Will Continue

Don’t worry they May Seem Serious but They’re Also Not Serious

Funsies people

Sometimes,, they Will Snark in Public but is So Sneaky No One Catches it

If you see the Gold Mine in That you are Lucky and they’ll Trust you

It’s a bond of camaraderie

And they appreciate you liking their humour 

I Hope this is good!! ;; 💗 I’m kinda wonky on pain meds BUT this was fun to do!! 💗💗 I hope it’s helpful to you!! 💗

#taurus #taurus ascendant #virgo decanates #capricorn decanates #taurus decanates #taurus decan #virgo decan #capricorn decan #Taurus rising #anon #asks

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering 

#yolanda talks #stories are much simpler. stories make sense and nothing complicates the narrative. but shits happen in life and things dont make sense #and you have to deal with it??? all the shit about yourself that makes sense? all that shit makes for shitty stories? #lmao............

[pure-o-soft]

hello , i’m not sure if this is the kind of question to ask you and i apologize in advance but i could use all the guidance i can get. ive had a therapist for about 8 months now &initially i liked him and found him helpful. but as time went on i feel maybe he started getting too comfortable. he started making jokes that i wasn’t comfortable with. jokes about religion, namely christianity, and im a christian so... idk i felt like maybe it was inappropriate even if i didn’t happen to be christian

(continuing about therapist) i brushed it off i didn’t say anything about his comment. another time he made a joke about “how do you make a hormone” &he goes “you give her 2 bucks” as in a “whore moan”& that was just ugh i felt so uneasy but again it’s not easy for me to speak up about stuff so that made me feel worse because i felt like as a doctor he should’ve known better. well it gets worse. i called him once telling him about an intrusive thought i had regarding a colander (pasta drainer)

we were on the phone when i told him about the colander and then a few days later at our session he gives me a bag and there’s a colander in there.. at first i thought it was ok but also weird and then at the end of the session he said that his wife questioned him about it. “why are you buying kitchenware for another woman? are you having an affair?” to which he tells me he responded “i think it would take more than a colander” and i didn’t find it funny. then he makes a joke about

an old man at the gym. he sees a young woman and says to his trainer which machine should i use to impress that younger woman over there and the trainer responds with “the atm machine” and he was so pleased with his joke and it made me uneasy because he talks to me a lot about how much money he makes. well i was about ready to stop seeing him right then and there but i saw him again today because i just suffered a very traumatic experience. he already knew this as we had spoken over the phone.

well when i walked into his office he gets up and says “hello gorgeous” which made me feel so so so awful at this point. i rolled my eyes and he didn’t seem to care or notice. i just really needed to talk and i tried to ignore him again. he also always hugs me and it’s so gross to me now that i think of the stuff he has said. well i sit down and we talk and nothing he says seems to be helpful. i’m irritated. at the end of our session, he mentions something about something he believes i should do

i don’t think my last message sent and i don’t know where i left off. i was talking about what i believe to be an innaprpriate therapist

he tells me if i don’t do it “i’ll have to spank you.” at that point i was boiling and embarrassed as he was laughing and then he says “just kidding” wow. awful. i immediately called my husband to ask him to come get me and he seemed almost irritated. my husband wasn’t answering because his phone died and he kept telling me that “well he knows when to be here”. i was crawling out of my skin i even feared being raped i don’t know why. i am a victim of sexual abuse so it’s hard to tell for me if

Hey angel

First of all, I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through this entire experience. Therapy is supposed to be a safe place where you can feel comfortable to learn and heal. I completely understand how these comments and “jokes” would make you feel uncomfortable, as they are very unprofessional. It certainly isn’t the place for him to be making these comments, jokes and remarks - especially considering your background! And please don’t apologize! I’m happy to listen and offer any advice that I can. 

I hope you know there is absolutely no shame in stopping seeing a therapist, psychiatrist, or professional of any kind if you feel uncomfortable by them, or even if they aren’t a right fit! You don’t owe him an explanation or an apology. I know it might feel a little awkward to do this, but always remind yourself that you don’t owe your therapist anything! You’re safety and comfort always comes first. I’m not sure how you book your appointments, but you can always cancel your next one (if you’ve already made an appointment) and never make another appointment with him. Or if he asks you when you’re booking your next, you can tell him you won’t be needing another and leave it at that. You don’t need to give him a reason (and if he asks you can always say you’d prefer not to answer).

Of course, if you wanted to, you could email him or send him a letter about how these comments and jokes made you uncomfortable and angry. Whether you wanted to do this after you’ve stopped sessions with him, or if you wanted to do this and try to continue sessions with him. But this is completely unnecessary! You shouldn’t have to ask for your therapist to be professional and hope that he changes. After all, these sessions are about you, not him. You might feel as though you can’t trust him or are still angry with him (and that is completely valid), so you might not be able to have a good and healthy relationship with him even if these jokes are stopped. 

I’m not sure exactly what kind of therapy you were receiving with him, but he may or may not have brought that colander to try and do some kind of exposure with it. Though you didn’t seem to expect the action which makes me think that this isn’t an exercise you commonly do or consented to. If you struggle with intrusive thoughts or OCD the most effective form of therapy is Exposure Response Therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. If your current therapist is not offering you this type of therapy, then he cannot treat you properly (and this is yet another reason to stop seeing him)! So if you decide to see another therapist, I strongly urge you to find one who specifies in ERP and CBT. If you’d like help finding professionals near you who can do this therapy, I can send you some resources on how to contact someone who can help you! You can also do therapy over skype (which is just as effective) if there isn’t someone in range.

Here is a post of some general advice simplified. It mentions some of the things that I have already, but it can be nice to hear that others have gone through similar things!

I can understand that this experience might make you afraid or nervous to continue getting help, but please know that there are wonderful professionals out there who can help you with what you’re going through. You can make it through this, angel! If you have any other questions or need to talk, I am always here! And feel free to ask if you want those resources. Wishing you all the best, and I really hope this helped in some way!

#asks #anons #therapy #therapists #toxic #toxic professionals

[agl03]

Hi! Hope your recovery is going well! So idk if you saw but Chloe posted an instagram story and her eyes were super puffy from crying on set and she said sadness was coming on the show so now I'm really stressed out. Not sure what ep they're filming right now but there's only so many people Daisy would be crying for and I'm just worried one of the mains is gonna die. Anyway I just wanted to know what you thought about it.

Hi! love your blog! And im so happy your surgery went very well! Have you seen Chloe instagram stories? She cried a lot on set today and said sadness is coming in the show, do you have any idea what that could be? I just hope they dont kill any member of the team

Hey so I hate to get really deep on you but I don’t know house to voice my concern without doing so-so future apologies. I deal with intense depression. Have my whole life. Tv, especially agents of shield and Fitzsimmons are honestly one of the things that gives me a little feeling back into my life. It’s as if watching their relationship and friendship makes me feel human for a little and it’s honestly what I count down to each week. I just saw Chloe’s instagram story where she was insanely swollen in the eyes from crying and said sadness is seriously coming this season. I’m terrified this is about fitz or Simmons. Especially with the promo pic of Lil looking sad and Iain never seeming entirely interested sometimes. I’m really deeply worried about their death as they r my fave characters in existence n I think one of them dying would cause a serious break on my part: I know that sounds insane n I’m slightly embarrassed to admit it but I really wanted your opinion on the possibility 

Anonymous said: I know a lot of people are freaking out over Chloe’s IG story and one Daisy cries a lot each season and it doesn’t mean death. Even if it did Fitzsimmon’s is the heart of the show and have almost died how many times? They are finally giving us a pay off and if one of those characters died I don’t think one could function without the other (not that I want any of the main cast to die) but I highly doubt they would kill off two of the best actors on the show. Crying doesn’t always mean death.

Anonymous said: Hi! Did you see Chloe’s instagram story? She was really upset. Do you think the sadness could be death of one of the mains? And what ep do you think they’re filming now?

Anonymous said:  Just from the acting point of view, WHY would Agents of Shield writers kill off Fitz or Simmons in episode 14 of season 5 when there are still a lot of episodes left in that season AND a strong possibility of a season 6 given the recent higher ratings? Would they really get rid of the two strongest actors on the show? Iain and Elizabeth are a gift to this show. FitzSimmons are the heart and soul. My question is…WHO is dying then? If anyone….What do you think? She could cry for other reasons.

So I woke up from my nap and there was a bit of a kerfuffle.   Before I forget, IMDB has been updating for 14, so I think that is where they are at right now.  I’m starting to suspect that 11-15 could be a smaller pod with the 3rd pod of the season being 15-22.

I totally know and understand that show related anxiety is a real thing, I saw that in full force when they ran the “Fallen Agent” campaign at the end of Season 3.  I’m going to do my best to make everyone feel better.   

Chloe wouldn’t laugh like that if it was a big cast member being killed off.  She said she’d been crying on set all day and she wasn’t upset as she posted that video (so it was Daisy crying not Chloe).  She was joking around and laughing.  Not something someone would do if one of her good friends/people she sees as family was being let go.

Best example I can give for you here is in Season 3.  Chloe knew that Lincoln was getting killed off and Luke was going to be leaving.  She was very very sad about it and it showed on her social media interactions.

AOS keeps its spoilers locked down tight, no way Chloe would blow something like a major character dying on a instagram story.   

The writers are well aware of how important FItzsimmons are to the fandom and are the heart of the show.  Either one of them dying is deal breaker for me, that is my line in the sand and I walk away.   Fitzsimmons are referred to the heart of the show so killing off either one of them would be a massive mistake.   But in that FItzsimmons are two of their absolute favorite red herrings to use.  

I felt both of their absences very strongly in 3 and 4 of this season with Jemma silenced and FItz not there yet.   

There are lots of other things that could have meant she had to cry for.  Death isn’t the only option here.   Someone could get injured, sick, or kidnapped.    My current theory is Coulson’s secret and the deal with the Rider come out and what those consequences are going to entail.  Daisy losing Coulson, her mentor and father figure, would be a difficult blow for her.  It could also have something to do with Inhumans or something about the prophecy we the audience don’t know about yet and it weights heavily on Daisy.  

Chloe, Clark, Ming, and Jeff were all at TCA’s last night and were in great moods, again that doesn’t jive with someone major being killed off.  

Deke is one I worry about, Radcliffe was killed in 15 last season.

It could also not be story related at all, rather someone on the crew is moving away/got another job.   

I know everyone is worried and upset right now and I really hope that Chloe might post a follow up or clarification.  Even though she meant it to be a cute/funny video it has upset a lot of fans.

I would be absolutely and utterly shocked if they killed off any regulars 2 episodes after the 100th.  It makes no sense to me.  And I would have hoped they learned their lesson with the whole Fallen Agent thing where they lost viewers for those closing eps until they knew their favorite was safe.  

I really hope that helped everyone who needed it!

#agents of shield #aos meta #its going to be okay

[system-architect]

gonna be doin some late additions to that ask meme since i was asked a bunch...! it’s a lot for four dif chars so i’ll be splitting it up into two posts. i might have to skip a few questions but we’ll see

here’s the gunner and xinn edition! i was asked uhhh... 1-6 and 9-19

gunner first!

Their physical weak spots: gunner is speedy and evades a lot, but can’t take too many solid hits in general-- anything that disarms him or messes with his ability to move/think fast will hamper him a lot. he’s actually mostly primarily weak to over-exerting his magic and making himself sick/’irradiated’ Their emotional/moral weak spots: he can be too stoic and too cocky and launch into things headfirst without properly assessing the situation or consulting his allies Scars or painful spots: his right arm/side is aaaalllllllll leyline scars! Best places to kiss on their body: he is partial to shoulder/upper back/neck/jaw/near ear kisses. also scar kisses Guilty pleasures: it’s not a guilty pleasure so much as a Secret Pleasure but gunner’s surprisingly talented at baking/cooking. he’s also very into sweets specifically chocolate Their vices (physical or emotional): it’s not particularly severe for him, but he sometimes turns 2 Substances when hyper stressed Humiliating memories: god i’m sure there’s a Lot but i gotta develop him more here. he probably has quite a few from growing up in novus but not being much of a typical asura. plus some embarrassing combat defeats Fears/phobias: afraid he’s gonna squandered his extended lifespan and amount to nothing despite that, afraid he’s gonna end up losing everything he has again like he did in the chak attack on rata novus, afraid he’s just been constantly making the wrong decisions and everything that’s happened to him is his fault and that he could’ve solved it if he was just Better, afraid that bad things are going to just keep happening to him Bad or petty habits: god he can be very stubborn and petty and aggressive or passive aggressive at times... he has a bad habit of overfocusing on himself and not considering others in a situation Grudges and vendettas: he’s got a grudge against Every Single Chak and will go out of his way to kill them. he loathes the inquest for all the shit they’ve done to ppl he loves and all the havoc they’ve caused with his DNA, and he’s also still bitter at zinn for leaving his people behind (he was very.. smug when he learned how zinn died) What gets them flustered: gunner is very strongly emotional despite acting stoic so it’s pretty easy to get him riled up into an argument... anything about synergetics or related to ppl gunner cares for or his fighting strats is a 1 way ticket to Yell Town Ingrained habits/forces of habit: he’s crossing his arms like 24/7 and he’s also a very paranoid person who is constantly surveying the area and whips his head about every time he hears A Noise.. he’s on his tactical survivalist fighter game like all the time What it takes to make them cry: takes a LOT to make him cry bc he bottles those emotions hardcore. things related to his parents or setting off his “alchemy why me, why do bad things keep happening to ME??” complex will do it Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’: he keeps the novan thing concealed but u all here on tumblr get to be privvy to it. he’s also very clammed up about how the mists affected him... Regrets: he’s constantly picking over and scrutinizing his past actions, big and small, and wondering how he could’ve done things better or if he could’ve prevented such huge messes by acting a little differently Things they’ll never admit: he’s bottled this a whole ton so he tends to be less aware of it tbh, but inside he’s a big huge softie who’s very emotional about a lot and he should bottle things less and he wants more gentleness in his life. he has a hard time admitting to himself that showing emotions isn’t Bad People they’ve hurt or indirectly killed, and how it affected them: depends a lot on the situation.... idk much specifics but gunner def has had to kill people and generally views it as a survival necessity (think like, fighting enemies ingame-- bandits, centaurs, djinn, whatever). he doesn’t like needless killing. whenever he does have to kill someone he’s slightly crestfallen a bit, he does trudge onwards but the general concept he gets hung up on was how that person had a whole world and spirit inside them and he’s put that to an end now

aaaaaaaaand here’s xinnux--

Their physical weak spots: xinn is speedy and can put great force behind stabbing/throwing with his knives/machetes but he mostly marches in with his pets to attack things, so anything that disarms him or impedes his movement or separates him from his pets will render him useless. good luck catching him tho he’s like a mouse on red bull Their emotional/moral weak spots: xinnux is Les Enfants he gets emotional and confused about a whole lot of things. he doesn’t have a bad bone in his body but he’s still figuring out how morality works; he doesn’t quite Conceptualize death and good vs bad yet Scars or painful spots: he’s got a lot of weird scars from inquest tests and he doesn’t like any of them, they physically hurt and remind him of Bad Things Best places to kiss on their body: i’m just gonna slide in here for future ref, xinn physically appears to be 20 atm (his bday was nov 25th! woo!) but he is literally two years old and the narrative handles him as a child!! (xinn being a child who’s not been given a childhood and has been forced to grow up fast is Very Much a plot point, even!) so i’m not gonna b answerin any kind of questions about romance/sexuality for xinn. xinn is a toddler in a big boy’s body, he has dirt to crawl around in and retrieve bugs from, that’s his life atm he doesn’t mess with adult business like this Guilty pleasures: xinn feels guilty about nothing. he WILL binge eat what he pleases. he WILL ‘accidentally’ steal things. he WILL just literally do whatever he wants at any time. the concept of feeling guilty for something that is fun is like, beyond him Their vices (physical or emotional): this isn’t rlly a vice but like i said since xinn has a hard time conceptualizing things like death and pain, he will sometimes be a bit cruel in his treatment towards others, but it’s out of obliviousness and not direct malice.. he def has a strong sense of empathy he just.. doesn’t Understand things.... (think about when you were a kid and were cruel to animals not bc you hated them but bc you were a tiny untamed infant monkey who acted on instinct and “i want to touch that”, but the thought of “this thing might not enjoy being touched” wasn’t something that occurred to you because your tiny walnut brain couldn’t compute that yet. that’s about xinn’s predicament.) Humiliating memories: there’s probably a few memories he has of bouts with the inquest and tryin to run away but bein wrangled back into his cell and he’s like, embarrassed about his lack of strength there whilst also bein seething mad at the inquest for this all Fears/phobias: A Lot. he’s filled with fear and doesn’t quite process any of it. right now he just knows that feeling hurty things is bad and he feels that and he doesn’t like it. he is also really afraid he will never be Normal and it’s not really a fear he can do much about, or rlly directly a fear, but he’s very bitter and sad about not getting to be a kid and just be born and have a normal childhood. more normal phobia wise, he hates small enclosed spaces with no easy exits, and he hates doctor-related stuff, and he hates being alone Bad or petty habits: xinn can be very stubborn and if he’s told not to do something he will usually run off and try to do it either out of ignorance or just, direct spite Grudges and vendettas: big big ol grudge against all inquest/former inquest. except the one who let him free, that guy’s cool. fuck everyone else tho What gets them flustered: challenging xinn to an argument on literally anything will get him very mad very fast and he doesn’t know how to argue. it VERY LITERALLY will turn into arguing with a child Ingrained habits/forces of habit: he’s always scanning for exits in a room What it takes to make them cry: not much. xinn cries easily, though he does hate crying in front of people and tries to stop it. he doesn’t like bein reminded of his past and also he hates being told he’s wrong or that he can’t do something Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’: not rlly a Dark Secret uh, despite being physically 20 he still a lot of the time really wants to be treated like a kid and just entrust himself to parental units and be fussed over jhkgd he does fluctuate on this tho and can absolutely get very “no im adult!!!” too Regrets: the childhood thing i guess? he also feels regret when he unknowingly acts cruelly and it adversely affects someone/something. rn his brain is still forming the concepts of regret, really Things they’ll never admit: xinn can’t really form his brain around concepts like this. he doesn’t particularly have anything complex going on that he would never admit. he has stuff that’s tough to admit, but he does a poor job of hiding it People they’ve hurt or indirectly killed, and how it affected them: i’m sure he’s killed at least one person and probably some critters and like i’ve mentioned he doesn’t really Conceptualize death yet. he knows death is Bad but doesn’t really currently have the emotional development to put himself in other people’s heads and understand why killing someone is so bad and tragic

#text heavy #long post #oc talk #xin #asura!gunner #gunner #didnt rlly proofread sorry

[in-paradox-space]

very long rambly text post, you know the drill

you’ll get nothing out of reading it, you may as well scroll.

It’s fucking painful. 

I barely even know her

but I can’t stop thinking about her

I’ve met her once, I shouldn’t feel this way about her.

I can’t concentrate on anything.

I just really really want to be around her.

I miss her.

and its really fucking painful to think she probably just wanted to get away from me 

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

I need to work on improving my skills before college starts. I need to be able to pick myself up, eat the right foods, shower and sleep at the right times

I can’t. I can only think about her

and its weird. I have had crushes before, painful ones, for girls and guys.

and I’ve spent nights awake because of it

but this is making me really sad

to feel like I’ll never be with her and she’ll probably never approve of me

she probably thinks I’m really weird

and that I just want a hookup

because our mutual friends made it out like that before they invited her

and 

she’s a regular girl

I met her one night

and I don’t understand.

It would make sense for me to enjoy being around her and wanting to chill with her again

but it does not make sense that I feel like this

that she comes into my mind every single minute

and she makes it hard to focus on anything

I want to look at all the units on my course, and visualize how I can get the best grades in each one

I want to research some shit to buy 

I need to choose a good cheap bag to order from china or somewhere cheap

I can not concentrate on any of it. 

My mind is only interested in thinking of her

I’ve been waiting for a camera for weeks, it arrived today

I unboxed it. 

the tag and the plastic was still there

I need to format an SD Card and change the date/time settings

the box had the big bubble wrap 

why am I not excited? 

I don’t give a shit 

I don’t.

I only seem to care about her right now

and it feels like a drug craving

like im low

I need her to pick my serotonin up

and I think, relationships, crushes, love, affection, sex, all that shit

it kind of is like a drug 

not in a poetic way

but its basically the same release of chemicals in the brain

and you think about it every day

you look forward to it

and you feel highs and lows

pick me ups and comedowns

the rushes, the emotions

you change and shape your life to suit it, you make compromises

and its all for a release of the chemicals your brain creates

i know im not the first one to point this out

but im growing aware of it

and I’ve always been aware its just chemicals

an illusion, a distraction from what is important

and I know in reality it doesnt mean shit. I should move on and get on with whats important

but heres the thing

its making me low, because somewhere along the lines my serotonin or dopamine or one of those kind of things has been thrown off balance

and thats basically what happens when you want more cocaine, but it would be more extreme with cocaine of course

I want to see her again.

I dont want to ask my friends to invite her out again, its embarrassing that im interested

and i feel sort of uncomfortable knowing my friend fucked her that one time

i dont even care what we do

i just want to be around her

and i am well aware of how creepy this is 

considering i dont know her

and I spent one night with her

and if anyone spouted this shit to me, I’d think they were just being really dramatic

and they just wished they lived inside a movie

theres not really a pattern to when I think of her

and i find it so strange, because I really really dont know her

but I feel so strongly about her, like I would with a crush from high school

it just does not make sense, logically, to me.

but I will be thinking of anything and I’m suddenly overcome with this unique feeling

a reminder through my whole body

that I really really fucking like being around her

and I just want to be around her again

a feeling exactly like seriously craving a certain drug which you haven’t done for a day or so, but its less physical pain and more feeling emotion through a sense of weakness in your  body

 i wont tonight because i might not be thinking straight

but im considering just talking to my friend about it

and trying to see her again

and i want her to like me, but authenticity is important

but i wouldnt want them to set me up

and honestly i dont think she wants any of this

even if she did date me it’d probably be for 3 days and she’d move on

and she is the kind of girl I’d be friends with

but I really don’t consider people like her as anything more

she liked blink 182 and generic pop rock

i didnt even care about that

you can like whatever you like, but a part of my interest is usually dictated by that

i just liked her more

simply because I was learning more about her

and my god

I would fucking hate anybody who was talking like me right now

I will get over her. 

but for now I’m enjoying hearing her voice as I sleep

I think it happens to most people, it almost always happens to me after doing ecstasy 

the next few nights have mild hallucinations 

kind of abstract and psychedelic 

rarely scary but I have had very very fearful nights of paranoia a few days after in the past

they’re mainly voices

its like certain phrases keep being replayed in your ears over and over

not thought out but heard

like theyre really there

and you know theyre not there

but you feel as if these people are really around you

and youre in the same place

and you dont question it at all

you believe they are there

and its not imposing, it doesnt raise any questions. you’re physically in your bedroom but you look around, you hear them, youre really in the place you were the other night

and eventually when youre really drifting off

it becomes lucid visual

and you see them but you also dont

and its just certain things being replayed

and it has the potential to turn into a bad trip but its mostly pleasant and soothing

and I can still hear her voice

I still hear my friends and his girlfriends

but I hear hers too

I love it

I don’t want it to go away

I cant think of what she says

well theres one phrase

and again it makes absolutely no fucking sense

shes just a completely regular fucking girl, with her own interests and experiences

some we share. some we dont

and i met her fucking once, spent one night high with her. we didnt even kiss. hugged once

she didnt express any interest

didnt show any signs of it

and my heart feels fucking weak

and my body is released with, is it endorphins? 

it feels like when something release endorphins

an opiate effect.

im going to see her again

i wish my brain could take that in

so it will stop distracting me with thoughts of her at this crucial part of the year

the version of me from a year ago would feel disgusted by these posts

and I’m sorry, old me

I’ll always be me

probably

ill feel that same way about love again

i dont know what this is

i think im physically dependent on codeine again

and that might have influenced me being sick before

i took some when i got off the bus but it didnt change much

im going to go cold turkey anyway

i was planning on taking some at a gig but i begged kek, bargained to not be sick until im off the bus

and i made a sort of deal that i will sacrifice taking codeine at the gig

then bargained some more and said id stop

idk if it was them who helped me 

but a deal is a deal

and it will still be a fucking good show

would probably love it more if I was high though

im gonna have to forget that

and I feel sick again

im going to wash my hair and sleep

I started college today

I got up at 6am, and I would’ve made it on time but I was almost sick on the bus ride.

I didn’t want that to be my first impression so I went home.

I think it’s because of the weekend. I don’t take alcohol very well, even a little. Or cigarettes. I just get migraines from anything slightly unhealthy. 

I think its more of a delayed hangover/comedown though. 

If the pills are 200mg each, I did roughly 700-900mg of MDMA on over two different days.

I started one day, rested the next and continued the day after that.

to some thats a lot. 

To others it’s a milestone they’re way past. 

It’s the most I think I’ve done in that timeframe though though. 

I’m still very tired after sleeping through the afternoon and very weak. 

I want to make it tomorrow but I don’t think I will. 

It’s a shame. I want to ace the first project and make a good first impression. 

I told them I get ill a lot, they should understand but I think they’ll be suspicious that I just happen to be seriously ill on the first day

especially after talking about how much better I am compared to the start of the year in the interview

Now im going to think of a personal tag for her,

one memorable that isnt her name

#personal #relationships #feelings #i did some heavy drugs last night and im kind of fucked #her