#idk ive just been thinking of this stuff again lately & i just do not understand how atlus can write these two

[thecherrygod]

i have a weird relationship with my grandma. i think we both try but we both tend to hit our limits. at least on my part im trying to not let it happen too often tho bc it does feel mean and unnecesary, and she is almost 90

now that one of my brothers is living with us again for a bit, even tho she loves him and he clearly is the favorite grandson, they are currently in a rough spot relationship wise, so im trying to be even kinder to her to try and not get her too down

......

and its a bit funny that every time i am a bit more patient she does the equivalent of giving me lunch money

#my posts #im just stating facts here tho btw #he IS the favorite grandson but he IS an asshole #but he went through some stuff so hes more irritable. i guess i get him #bc also like. shes very.. draining. but also i said shes in her late 80s and she doesnt leave the house. so shes also irritable #so clearly theyve been crashing #which like i guess it makes sense #but really like. it genuinely feels like she sees me being a bit kinder than normal and she does give me money for lunch dguhdsg #it literally is lunch money. tomorrow i leave early and come back late and i buy my lunch near college #like. maam. we have a weird relationship and i will always be mad at you calling me a crazy bitch. but like. i can understand i guess #but the money is. funny and weird and sad all in one #and also i always forget she does this until she repeats the pattern again hgsugdusg but it IS noticeable #i am aware ive been trying to be better to her at least in the patience department #i try to listen and talk to her as much as i can as long as im not ridiculously stressed #somehow im not super stressed by my current assignment also so i AM doing my best to not be an ass for no reason #... idk where im going with this rant #yeah its kinda funny kinda sad. this whole family kinda is lmao #ill go check on dinner and then ill continue with my assignment. i think i can do a good amount of it after dinner maybe

[yonpote]

under cut cuz i talk too much lol

i am not blaming dan or anything (and obviously this has been a joke in lgbt spaces for forever) but i do think he unintentionally enabled the like "homophobia is a good thing actually" type jokes and like i definitely make them too, and im always seeing jokes on here like "god why are they Like This" etc. but i think some people just dont know the line or view them so much as friends that they don't think about how it could read differently from someone who is essentially a stranger. ive said smth similar before of like, dnp (ESP DAN...) used to be not great at drawing boundaries esp since youtube and social media culture were so different back then, but now even when they draw hard lines ppl either continue to step right over them, or dont understand exactly where the line goes. they dont care if u write smut or dead dove fics, they dont care if u make shippy fanart, but like maybe dont tag them in buttsecks? (or maybe do, idk theyre being so unhinged lately maybe we gotta start @'ing them in catboy porn (JOKING))

i was talking w a friend a little bit ago about the exact differences between the generally speaking philosophies between older fans and younger fans. it seems that older fans embrace creating transformative works and having their own interpretations on who dnp are, whereas younger fans want to know dnp on a personal level and want dnp to know Them and recognize them not just as fans but as people. and OFC there are older phannies who want the parasocial interaction and younger phannies who write fic and people who do neither, and people who do both! (hi :3) but then some people have a difficult time being able to marry the two ideas maybe?

heres the truth. dan and phil are real human beings who have made a career largely off their shared dynamic together, BOTH because they genuinely enjoy creating and being together AND because a lot of people really get invested in it and it makes them more money. they don't mind fic or art, you probably SHOULDNT tag them in the saucy stuff, but they know it's out there and generally have been respectful of fan spaces and knowing where OUR boundaries lie (altho maybe the line was toed w the roblox video but thats debatable.) they really do care about their audience both in order to please us and keep us coming back, AND because they see how much theyve affected us as people and have a deep *Sarapocial Relationship with us.

there are both parasocial AND tranformative ways to break boundaries, and oftentimes they can be one and the same. they aren't our friends they arent our dads and they arent objects with no feelings. they don't stalk our accounts but they are still able to see whatever we post publicly. theyve seen so many horrible things and have had many horrible things happen to them, and while no one can be certain something like that won't happen again, now that they have been able to be more honest with us about a lot of things they are able to trust us a little bit more.

anyway ramble over back to me talking abt how dan should embrace their transness

#*sarapocial relationship (term coined by john and hank green): #the relationship that creators have with their audience and viewing the audience more like family or friends than just viewers #myrambles #mytext

[spurgie-cousin]

one part of adhd that i really hate is just knowing there's people out there that think of you as an unreliable or careless person 😕 like how i perceive time and the passing of time has been an issue since i was a kid, i was always chronically late to things (and still am sometimes) so a lot of ppl i know have running jokes about that, but some of them like my family definitely don't understand the connection bt the two things so i know there's sometimes actual anger and frustration behind the jokes. and that they just probably think im a selfish person who doesn't care about other people's time when in reality ive bawled in my car on the way to an event i was supposed to be at 20 mins ago so many times bc i felt like i tried so hard not to do that and just something went wrong, again.

i also lose stuff constantly and throughout my life i've lost some pretty important things, which not only makes me feel awful but makes people who don't understand just assume i'm a careless moron who doesn't understand the value of things when literally nothing could be further from the truth bc i went through a period of being broke as shit for years....so if anything i really feel like i place too much value on some things bc subconsciously I'm worried that if something happens to it I won't be able to fix or replace it. if I didn't live with someone else who kept me in check I'm almost certain there are things I'd like, hoard.

idk sometimes i try to explain the connection to these kinds of things to people and you can just see it in their face that they don't really believe you and might think you're just trying to come up with excuses. and it makes me want to be so defensive bc i try sooooooo hard all the time and it's so upsetting when you're doing that and STILL having these issues‼️ like the fight to convince myself that I'm trying to cope with a disorder and I'm not inherently just bad and dumb after actually believing that for nearly 3 decades is an every day uphill battle so 🥲 to know a lot of people would agree with my past self and can't understand that is hard

#and i can't even talk about demand avoidance I've never even told anyone except like my husband and other nd people about those struggles #i was going to say it was a knife in the kidneys but idk if i should be invoking Kody brown #rant #adhd #my shit

[lemontongues]

yknow ive been thinking again lately about how i would like to see more realism in batman content, both canon and fandom, but not the Dark And Gritty kind. the kind thats like.

yes actually he is highly emotionally intelligent and does understand himself quite well and has just accepted that he is A Freak and decided to roll with it rather than being so horrifically emotionally repressed that he can barely even acknowledge that what hes doing is based in trauma. hes been in therapy since he was like 9 years old. he studies human psychology extensively both for himself and so he has better odds of predicting whats gonna go wrong and how when hes up against a rogue or negotiating a hostage situation or whatever. he meditates for two hours a day and is fully capable of keeping a healthy handle on his anger 98% of the time. he's nice to people and fun to be around and sincerely caring. if he were just Always Right but super isolated and reactive and cruel and controlling everyone would fucking hate him and no it wouldnt be enough to sustain his crimefighting activities, thats a stupid lone wolf fuckboy fantasy

he has a strict 9pm bedtime that he only breaks for mandatory WE/brucie activities or emergencies. if theres a gala where he needs to rub shoulders with ppl to gather intel or keep his company running he'll do it but hes Not Happy about being out until midnight and cuts out early as often as possible, and when hes chasing the joker around until 3am hes lamenting his poor sweet circadian rhythm that did nothing wrong ever in its life the whole time. when hes batmanning hes expending a fuckton of energy and he needs to make it up and have a well-established routine to counteract the punishment hes putting his body through. on a similar note, this man is building braces and compression into his suit and doing extensive physical therapy exercises every day of his life bc he wants to have helpful little things like "knees" and "shoulders" by the time hes 40, and hes probably eating a small farms worth of assorted leafy greens and several chickens per day

he is simply Never drunk and he doesnt actually have that much sex. hes really really good at faking a) being drunk and b) getting a high priority phone call from lucius the minute someone hes making out with starts trying to get his shirt off. he also does a lot of "hey look i gotta get out of here with my reputation intact, can we help each other out and pretend we're gonna go fuck?" kind of negotiating with ppl (see: his 9pm bedtime, plus sometimes hes gotta slip away from an event to be sneaky), which is how a lot of the more wild stories about him start circulating lol. this is a man who's regularly getting gassed/injected/etc with highly experimental substances created by maniacs trying to torment or kill him, he does NOT want substances like drugs or alcohol in his body that could potentially interact with them, and the last thing he needs is to be dealing with a pregnancy or sti scare. plus if he can play it safe with someone and have them think of him as a nice and trustworthy dude who just has a bonkers reputation, all the better for his batman activities!

idk i just feel like theres unexplored potential in a lot of that stuff bc so much of recent batman mythos is like HES SO HARDCORE AND CAN DO ANYTHING AND HES ALWAYS RIGHT CAUSE HES SO PARANOID AND DISRESPECTFUL OF PPL AND THEIR BOUNDARIES BUT ITS OKAY BC ITS IN THE NAME OF BEING RIGHT and im like. okay. gotta admit that i dont rly find that believable or in line with my values. can we talk about WE's sweet sweet employee benefits package and bruce designing his suit to take most of the impact off his knees when he jumps off a roof. members of the jl discovering that he gives shockingly balanced and insightful advice about their mundane personal problems. bruce printing his own batsymbol envelopes to leave people cash after he misaims his grappling hook and breaks their window. things of that nature.

#sage talks #im just goofing around with personal hcs in this post but also #if we could bring him back into the realm of believable humanity again i rly would love it lol

[suyacho]

hi lovelies, i know ive been in and out of here and im really sorry for that🫶🥹 just wanted to make a little post addressing some things going on, not on tumblr bc idk wtf is going on (if theres something going on) ive barely been on dash or didn’t scroll past more than 5 posts before closing it again because im busy. let me put it under readmore bc i’ll probably ramble🥹

anyways hi!! as i stated before i think, i started a new school and i started working, busy life!! now work has me exhausted, both mentally & physically, so i haven’t been on here much not have time nor motivation to write too much which i’m really sorry for, especially considering i promised. i love writing, i really do but i feel like the spark is gone, maybe it’s because i’ve been non stop writing smut (with occasionally fluff here n there) over the past few months? or scrap that maybe even since last kinktober because i didnt finish that on time either🥹 (this is probably why the sparks gone) don’t get me wrong, i love writing smut but when it’s so much it just makes me feel like eh not another smut fic and especially after work i can’t find the energy to write porn, like i’d love me itto all oiled up in bed but writing it?? (LMAO SORYRRHHR) it’s just idk🥹 i guess i feel guilty for posting a kinktober but never even finishing it or giving you guys shitty fics when i owe you guys nothing and this is just supposed to be a fun little thingie, but i wanna give back to you guys with the handful of people who have supported me all the way, from the start or even over a year, i appreciate it sm and want to give back to you guys🫶 i hope you all know i greatly appreciate it so thank you and i’m sorry.

on that note thank god i put a readmore bc i knew id ramble and this post isnt even about writing mainly LAMSOAOSOS

but anyways work yes!! i work 4 days a week which might not seem like much bc i know there are people who work way more but hey, im exhausted and that is valid regardless. i dont like my job which is ok, i picked it myself and know the consequences but the environment also drains me mentally, won’t get into that though!!

and onto school <3 i fucking love my school, my class, everything, i wish it was more than one day a week. but with school and the holidays coming around, it also means something. it means that i slowly gotta make a big choice that will impact my student life after this and will decide if ill be let into the bachelors im going for or not. which means that i really gotta start taking it seriously and work more on my portfolio, which now obviously will be my main focus, leading back to the writing but ill say that in the end!!

mentally i’m not ok, which is ok. we all have our ups and downs but lately it’s been feeling like a lots of downs, a lot of things play a role in that but i won’t be going into detail about that. i’ll be okay one day, i’m still alive and have a roof above my head Alhamdulillah.

all those things together mean one thing, i’ll be uploading less!! (which i’ve barely been doing anyways LMAO) to the two people that expected stuff, sorry </3, to the others i disappointed, i’m sorry </3

i’ll also be less active, or maybe just not at all for a bit but just know that i’ll definitely come back when things have settled down, hopefully with more motivation and more fics <3 life’s moving forward and so am i bit by bit.

i guess this is quite the dramatic way to announce a hiatus but hey it’s 6am and i barely slept and just rambled to my little space <3 but once again, thank you guys for the support and understanding. i just wanted to make a post so you guys know what to expect and all :)

thank you and have a good day/night!

#snow; sighs

[postalollie]

What are ur favorite things about pdude :) any of them and what do think dating one would be like 😳

OO HI!! SORRY FOR BEING SO LATE!!

In general I love the fact hes a morally grey character that in general doesnt seems to care for what other think of him! (except if hes wearing a gimp suit obviously lol) and his smugness as well, for postal 2 dude I love his colors! theyre more dull which for me fits his character really well and I try to do that in my art of him as well (though Ive been slacking more on that aspect lol) his design in general is just so nice to look and memorable too, its simple but effective, peak character design right there and I dont even mean it as a joke I genuinely think his design is super good, and most importantly THE GLASSES!! I like drawing him with his eyes showing but when he has the sunglasses is where the fun is at, because it kinda brings a surprise factor to him, his colors are more died down but then you see his eyes and BAM!! green! of course theyre not too bright as to match with his other colors but still bright enough for him to have some contrast and bring some surprise to the player!

Now for p1 dude, I once again love his color scheme, I love red so its fun to look at him, even with just his limited model on the original postal you can see a lot of stuff in his design which is very impressive! I love his fingerless gloves and his sweater vest as well/shirt he wears on the gone postal cover, also...long hair...pretty.. ALSO his design with the red coat and green vest! I dont usually see it being drawn (I personally do prefer to draw the red and black version because I prefer that color scheme but the other is still quite good and I wanna draw it someday!) idk his design is just once again very cool to me

NOW FOR THE DATING PART OwO (sorry if these are hard to understand im very bad with writing and most of my fantasies rarely follow a story or a very strict personality to them lol)

for p2 I imagine it would be more difficult for him to "open up" I guess, he would start pretty closed off like he is in the game, even when hes interested in you hes still kinda closed off, with stuff like flirty interactions the thing he can do best because hes more in control, show that man some genuine affection and he wouldnt know how to take it (show that man love no one in paradise apreciates him >:( ) he would probably blue screen a bit from affection, however slowly he would start getting used it and start showing a bit more as well, you would just need to be a bit patient with him, he would however still care for you and be a bit possesive, not in the unhealthy way I mean would get jealous about you and if anyone tried to do anything he would kick their ass, in general his love language is a mix of physical contact and acts of service, he also calls you darling and dearie :)

NOW FOR P1 oh p1

tbh I think he would a bit more possesive compared to p2 by a bit, finding a not sick person would be a miracle to him, he would be a bit more emotional as well, confiding in you and being the only one he would trust, to me he would profess his love to you in a way more I guess poetic way?? idk how to call it but yeah! man is down bad for you essentialy, dont get me wrong though hes still postal dude of course, just ya know with more problems

now for the massacre part.. I feel it COULD be possible to be able to stop him from doing everything like people generally write p1 x reader fics but honestly to me, idk I feel like no matter what something would make him snap, the thing is would you join him or not... my self insert does but really I think that changes from person from person, I imagine that during the very small breaks from the killing he would be all over you, you're the thing that calms him down, also if he went to the asylum he would be saved by you, together till the end no matter what

AGAIN I know the whole joining in with him might seem bad! its just that for me its not any postal dude, especially postal 1 dude wihout some violence ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

ALSO i headcanon all the dudes with the exception of corkscrew for obvious reason that theyre all part brazilian and portuguese is their first language! (self projection wee hoo) so they would call you pet names or say how much they love in the language! I feel they would say amor a lot and the variations of it (amorzinho, meu amor, mo, also that basically means my love in different ways in english) p3 would say xuxu or xuxuzin for sure though (idk how to translate this but like, imagine it as like saying doll or darling but in a more joking manner)

In any way, all of them would be protective of you, wouldnt want to hurt you no matter what and if anyone tried they're dead

(also bonus p3, he would be the most smug out of all of them, he KNOWS you love him and he loves you too and oh boy is he gonna have fun with it, also both him and p2 would probably fight for you a bit in paradise lost lol)

#OO THIS WAS LONG!! #thanks for the ask!! #sorry is there are missing words or mispellings! #no beta we die like p3 dude died in one of the endings #postal #postal dude #postal 1 #postal 2 #I hope the portuguese parts made sense lol #postal 3 #kinda??

[hrghhhhhhhhh]

whooooo, i read ur last reply to that holohacker question and i'd be super interested to hear how u would navigate what u said at one point! when u explained that the writers made them more and more annoyed with each other, meaner etc up to the point of not acknowledging each other anymore to show that they were never supposed to have a romantic spark, how would u do the other thing u recommended? like finding what canon gives u, filling the gaps etc if filling the gaps and seeing things in a romantic light made the writers so pissed about the ship in the first place - isn't that juss killing the ship for good? anyway thank u for giving such in depth replies ilu

I feel like the way i navigate these things is not framing the writers' intent as, like, emotional? ... idk how to phrase this, but i will try.

from this language: "made the writers pissed" it puts A LOT of intent in the writers hands that i dont think is there to begin with. I dont think theyre mad, per se, I do realize my prev answer may have sounded like the writers were being retaliatory - but thats not how i meant it!! It feels more like a gentle guiding back to their plot, NOT a full erasure, if im honest!

I don't really feel like their lines have been any meaner than they originally were, BUT i do feel like their lines are a little flatter together. which, again, i don't think comes with the baggage of the writers being "pissed". I think theyre just trying to deliver plot points. I personally feel like the plotpoints are: Too far apart, Too scattered by diff mediums, AND honestly not worth the wait most of the time. Thats not to say i think the entire thing SUCKS. I simply think its a pretty good plot told in the farthest-apart and briefest way possible. Totally frustrating.

OKAY SO now that thats all OUT of my brain: I dont think theyre making them hate each other at all! They have shallow interactions. but its not as black and white of "if they talk, theyre in love, and if they dont, they hate each others' guts". Actually thinking of the two of them getting comfortable with the other one in the room is so lovely; truly breaking through both of their personas and therefore NOT making either of them pretend around the other, and becoming comfy (thats my bread & butter baybey) As for the Killing the Ship: This is why i like to take canon very very lightly (im sorry thats my answer for everything LMAO) . I'm very used to Mirage being reduced to Mr Jokes The Clownman, and Crypto to his "solitary corner". I do get sad that theres NUTHIN' going on in terms of development for them together lately. BUT i don't have to settle for hollow (ha) Mirage, and boring loner Crypto! I can enrich them! Cause i'm not trying to shoehorn stuff into the current canon, they can exist side by side, they can intertwine, etc etc!

I am a multishipper so please, understand that ive been doing these mental gymnastics for a wHILE now akjdgskjh

TY FOR YOUR Q i hope i made sense <3

#ty for askin'

[forestshadow-wolf]

I.S.B.T.P.K.F.T.S moments (chapter 4- Part 1)

Fic link written by @tavtarnish. Please go check it out. It is fantastic!

if anyone was invested in this at all, I sincerely apologize for not updating this for so long, I don't really have a reason other than I just got lazy. anyway- ONWARDS!!!

chapter 3 || Chapter 5

The opening of the chapter

The way it definitely implied that soap has undoubtedly been at it for a while. Long enough to settle into a routine. It also shows his frustration really well. The strength that he's hitting, and they way his mind still continues to wonder

Remembering hearing his mother call him angrily from the house

I feel like this is such a core memory for me. Also idk if anyone else had the experience where their parents kicked them out of the house during the summer and then got mad when they didn't make it back in time for dinner. Like I'm sorry?? All you said was go outside, and didn't give me a time to be back? Kinda got off topic here, the point was: core memory unlocked

Little john trying not to make the punishment worse by being gentle with the the door and stuff

I honestly have nothing to say at this point, it's just super relatable to me

Idk if ive said this before but his sisters' names

I just think they're lovely

They way he feels guilt even as a child for not being there to redirect or avoid completely his mother's anger

This makes me so sad :( bb it's not ur fault

The casset that he and his sister were fighting about just days earlier as an apology!!!!!

This is exactly how it is to have siblings, like you'll be at eachother's throats and then something happens and then it's like it never happened. Also never once has a verbal apology been as affective as an action

Also being able to feel the anger flowing off his mother... like that's when you know you're in some deep shit

The whole come home by the time the street lights come on

Is accurate. Relatable. Especially getting back late because fo the changing season...

The disappointment in his mother's voice

That one hurted just a lil bit bc disappointment is always just that much worse than anger isn't it??

And he understands her frustration

That just makes it all the worse, right? I mean he just wanted some more time to have fun with his friends, but that left his mother swamped with everything else. It's really a lose lose situation :/

Not bringing up his father "after the last time"

Knowing when to pick his battles. But also what happened last time?? I can only assume lots of yelling and crying and and just :(

The following quiet

And it's like nobody except you can feel the tension still in the air, and it's like the smallest thing could set everything off again

Im ignoring something for right now I will circle back to it in a moment. But lemme just say his father?

I'm not liking the vibes I get from him... there I said it. I don't like him

His mother brushing over his hair and the back of his head

Look I know I've been making it seem like I think mary is a bad mom, but she really isn't. She's just overworked and doing her best. And john understands that but he also needs to be able to be a kid. And mary needs help around the house bc there is too much to do and only one of her

Ok back to the thing I ignored. The way he wishes for her to just get angry

I think maybe it's bc when people are angry it's easy to deal with, either you argue back, stay quiet, or say/do whay they want you to right? But with the disappointment it's almost the same response just with no visable reason for it. It's harder to deal with because we as people are not taught how to fix it other than to "do better next time" but how does that fix what happened now?

I also want to pint out the bolded part

Bc like the yelling is so much easier to deal with than the calm voice. Maybe it's bc you can still feel the pent up tenson that might have normally been released with the yelling

Also he wonders if it makes him a bad son

And I think, maybe normally people don't wish for that, but it doesn't make him a bad son. Like I understand so completely how he feels, and it's so real that it's devastating. And it doesn't make him a bad son. And I know that because maybe for him it's just easier for him to deal with physical problems than it is for him to deal with whatever this is.

And then the last line of the flashback

God!! I just know he was beating himself up after that. I do. I just know. And it's the perfect segue back into the present moment.

Getting so lost hin his head that he forgets he's even really doing anything

I guess forget isn't really the right word. Like he knew enough to keep doing it, but kinda just tuned everything else out.

The way it all just bubbles up

The lights just too loud, the air hot and heavy with anger and frustration. And he's still aped up despite all the energy he spent. And he tried, he really does try to keep himself composed. But the irritation makes his bones buzz, and he just needs to do something, anything to get it out. And he's so worked up that he doesn't even realize he split his knuckles until he looked at them.

And then it keeps building

It's too much, all of it. The steaming anger, the loudness of the lights, the way his hair remains untamed despite his efforts

Focusing on his hair again, idc what anyone says, his hair is actually such an important part of him. So his hair getting in the way, in his face, even after he tries to rake it out of the way... maybe kinda like how he's having trouble with his emotional regulation? It's kinda like his emotions are clouding his rational thinking, which is a perfect lead to my next point.

Where it all finally boils over

He shouldn't, he knows he shouldn't. But the useless buzzing is still in his bones and flowing through his veins. And he just has to do something or he might just brun from the inside out.

And then the immediate regret

"If it isn't the consequences of my own actions" for real though this is actually an important part. Because sometimes even if it's a personal issue you have to choose the lesser of two evils, even if you don't know you even have options. Also I think the is very much foreshadowing what will happen if he doesn't properly acknowledge the problem, and also shows what it is doing to him in a physical manifestation.

Also perhaps symbolism of not actually vomiting... because ya boy is emotional constipated

Ok im gonna end this here for now, because if this sits im my drafts any longer it'll never get posted. Also sorry if this isn't as indepth as the other parts, I'm doing all of this on my phone.

#el rambles #el over analyzes #I.S.B.T.P.K.F.T.S #john soap mactavish #call of duty #cod #cod mw2 #ghostsoap #soapghost

[arowrath]

NO SERIOUSLY hp fans will hear "jk rowling is bad and theres a lot of racism in the series" and then go and defend that its not racist because of the blood purity aspect and how it "deconstructs that" when it literally never does and do you HEAR YOURSELF YOURE TALKING ABOUT BLOOD PURITY. POINT A AND POINT B ARE RIGHT THERE AND YOURE NOT CONNECTING THEM.

sorry as a former fan of the series and a trans person with reading comprehension ive had to have way too many conversations about hp recently and its driving me up a wall. merry christmas ^_^

hi im late answering this sorry i went 2 eat dinner and then forgot to respond BUT LITERALLY!!! i watched shaun's harry potter video last night and there is SO much racism in that series- way more than i remembered and i remembered a LOT. like. the fucking house elves just in general and how hermione is treated as an annoyance for saying "hey maybe we should not keep a certain race as slaves and treat them as inferior and say they like being slaves" and how the slavery and bigotry and general shittiness of the system of the wizarding world isnt resolved at all but it "ends happily ever after" like NO IT DOESNT? not for anyone but the white main characters who become cops and shit because those systems of oppression are still in place after the series ends and that's. framed as a good thing? because jkr is like, incapable of realizing that sometimes The Whole System needs to change rather than just the people in charge. and you'd think it'd be pretty easy to figure that out when the system is literally built on slavery and racism, but. well she's racist and just an idiot, so.

it's like she knows "racism is wrong" and "bigotry is wrong" as statements and tries to show that in her work by having, like, a muggle-born wizard do well in classes, or a strong woman who's still feminine or whatever, or having the wizard racists be the bad guys, but she doesn't understand WHY racism and bigotry are wrong and awful so she ends up supporting those things in every other aspect of the narrative that isn't a direct intentional allegory for those things and half the time also when it is!

like idk i read the books the first time when i was 10 or so and even then i was like. "hey why is slave labor glamorized in this kid's book i'm reading? that's kinda fucked up!" or like "it's kinda weird that sometimes the Good Guys do fucked up stuff but it's fine because they're Good, isn't doing a bad thing still bad if you're on the good side?" or "why are characters being fat treated as something that makes them a Bad Person / a signifier that they are Bad People" or again: Why is there slavery in the wizard books! why is it rationalized with "they like being slaves" and "they're sad if they can't be slaves!" or "tricking them into not being slaves would be more cruel than enslaving them in the first place" (<- real thing that was on the pottermore website !)

side note, but why was jkr trynig to talk about things like slavery and racism and blood purity and nazi ideology in a fantasy series meant for children anyway. that feels.. incredibly unnecessary and weird. <- leaving this in for transparency but someone sent me an ask that made me rethink this & i do think it's important for those subjects to be addressed in fiction, even fiction meant for children, as they're already experiencing those things & sheltering them does them a disservice. jkr approached it very badly and the story would have been better off without her attempt at exploring it but in general it's not a bad things to address those things in fiction

and not to mention the way most of the characters who weren't white and british were stereotypical caricatures and even their fucking names-- kingsely shacklebolt, anthony goldstein, and cho chang come to mind-- that speaks for itself, really

and the antisemitism that's present through all of the books. the blood purity and the fucking goblins.. jkr why are your goblins identical to antisemitic caricatures and why do they run the underground banks, answer quick and then kill yourself please! like maybe it wasn't intentional but it's still incredibly fucked up and to my knowledge she hasn't spoken about it or apologized at all.

and that's not even to mention the transphobia. which is only slightly present in the books (Bad People who are women are depicted with masculine traits fairly frequently) but as we all know jkr is a raging transphobe with far too much influence over trans legislation in britain and believes everyone who supports her work supports her transphobia. also she allies with far-right activists and people who ally with the far-right far too frequently like literally any of that should cause people to want to drop her and harry potter in general

though even if that weren't a factor at all. personally i wouldn't want to support or engage with hp at all because of All The Racism. and fatphobia and abuse apologism and ableism and misogyny and antisemitism and homophobia and queer baiting and Oh Yeah, the racism again! like i'm embarassed to have ever been a fan of it and supported it like genuinely idk why i was comfortable engaging with it despite All Of That. granted i didnt pick up on everything when i was 10-12 but even the stuff i did understand as a kid was gross and i wish i'd stopped reading it and engaging with it the second i realized that

sorry for writing an entire essay there is a lot to hate abt that damn series !and merry christmas LOL may you never have to hear about hp ever again 🙏

(ID: two dark red banners with black text meant to look like it's dripping. the first reads "harry potter fans fuck off" and the second reads "ter-fs fuck off too". end ID)

#do u like my banners im not bothering to censor this so they are my first line of defense against wizard book likers #second line is Well i shan't say but it would get me suspended on twitter for threats or something probably #ask #sinsear-aisteach #anti harry potter #racism tw #slavery tw #nazi tw #transphobia tw #hp tw #fuck jkr

[hyunjining]

Hello, I dont usually speak on much but as someone whos also been here for an absurdly long time I too understand how you feel haha and just wanted to give a friendly metaphorical pat on the back because it really does fuck me up too sometimes. I guess ive been wanting to talk to Someone about any part of larry for a long time but for me I guess I dont feel much most of the time because im just waiting :/ I really do believe at some point we will get answers and see whether louis and harry do get to be publicly together (or broken up) but either way its knowing that at some point I will be proven Right that keeps me mainly unbothered by the crap we see day to day. Not to say that I dont get the initial "what the actual fuck are his team doing/ who decided this/ why is this happening for the 100th time" when a new stunt or absurdity comes along - this probably applies to the documentary aswell like I know ill groan and feel terrible for half a minute if Babygate is included but I guess I managed to at some point not let it get to me as like a personal problem? I guess and not feel emotionally attached, and I hope that you too could not have it plague you so much, I wish you the best haha and hope that at some point you would be able to continue to enjoy larry even during absurd times.

Sorry if this is like a rant you dont have to post this I guess I just felt bad seeing your post and would throw in some tiny speck of hope haha but yeah its funny cause I dont think ive ever really doubted the idea that I know they were together - obviously we dont know whether its the same now but since I havent really been proven otherwise whos to say im wrong if I were to believe they managed to have a beautiful long term relationship up until now lol but yeah thats all I got for now since I dont want to make it any longer but yeah im sorry you feel that way and I hope you manage to feel even the slightest bit better about this whole ridiculous circus we all managed to be drafted into hahaha

hey, thanks for your message 💕

i’ve definitely learned to detach myself from a lot of things over the years but idk lately it feels like something has changed and i don’t fully understand it? and i’m ok with acknowledging that there are things i’ll never know and that it’s not my life. i’ve always preached that on here. but some of the more recent stunt stuff/public image decisions really don’t make any sense to me in terms of pleasing fans or marketing to a wider audience or protecting their closets. like it all just seems completely nonsensical and unnecessary and it’s not fun to sit by and watch. i’m not gonna act like i’m being forced to be here, that’s totally on me. but idk i’m just sad that this is where we are now.

there is absolutely nothing in this world that could ever convince me that h&l aren’t gay or that they’ve never been together or that louis is a dad but i hate watching their images rapidly devolve for a reason i can’t begin to fathom. i’ve always been able to be dramatic for a minute and then laugh and move on but the feeling of dread has been more and more frequent and i feel like i’m doing myself a disservice by continuing to act like stuff isn’t affecting me. i don’t really know what to do right now, because i’m not happy but i love h&l so much and they’ve been a huge part of my life for so many years and i don’t know how to let that go. i feel like the doc is going to be a decider for me, but then again i have a louis concert in june lmao so who knows man.

anyway that was massively dramatic fkfjfk but thank you for the metaphorical pat on the back and for giving me a reason to vent some more lol

#ask

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[smallbirdbigcoat]

im soooo sorry for disappearing these last couple days its gotten really crazy here w sudden funeral n christmas 💔💔 i checked them out & i really liked them!! im definitely going to dig through their discography thank you soo much for reccing them :) i was hoping you’d have some tbh 😭😭 i would say my top fave 5 are ummm david bowies rise & fall of ziggy stardust, wish you were here by pink floyd & hüsker dü’s zen arcade, ethel cains preacher’s daughter and lulu by lou reed … i think lulu is a fantastic album def my #1 of all time LOL i know a lot of people really hate it tho 💔💔 what kind of stuff do you do for fun? like hobbies? sorry if ive asked that before LOL but its very interesting to me -❄️

that’s ok! dw abt it i understand

i completely forgot abt ziggy stardust 😭 it’s literally one of my favourite albums of all time idk how i could’ve forgotten lmao. also lemon demon’s spirit phone was a big one for me in lockdown i was literally obsessed w it! i heard it again recently it is a rly good concept album too

i’d say my main hobby is painting! i mostly paint w oils but sometimes i do watercolours even though i find it rly frustrating n don’t like it as much as oils but it’s still fun! i also do some digital drawing. also i’ve recently started a journal that’s mostly cool things i’ve collected like receipts from cool shops, clothing tags, photos i’ve printed, little sketches, stickers and things like that. i’ve been having so much fun w my journal lately and it’s the first time i’ve ever rly kept a journal going for a long period of time. it’s also made me rly appreciate small moments in life n honestly i’ve scoffed at ppl who talk abt journals like this in the past but it’s been so good for my mental health. that was a bit of a tangent but i’m just rly excited abt journaling lol. most of my hobbies revolve around art ig but i also play the sims and sometimes minecraft. i think that’s abt it. what are your hobbies??

#srs22

[mrmeatys]

idk if i can rly thrust myself back into fantrolls rn not bc i wouldnt be able to but bc everytime i do it takes up a LOT of my time and thinking and now just isnt the best time for that HOWEVER!!! im trying to get back in touch with my art and molly is a good muse for it so i will try to molly post here teehee,,,, mite use her blog again who knows! 

but my personal art that i feel is what i truly want to do has a lot to do with fantasy or horror themes, romantic eroticism and like softcore type stuff based on intimacy and love which is a big new step for me i dont typically go for pieces including this or practice much for it so i want to start, and most importantly id reckon transness and trans bodies including myself i like to draw myself it makes me feel more at home in my body when i do. molly will work great and ill get into drawing more of my fantasy ocs too if im lucky.. 

anyways im still pretty active on my mail @kittyelfs and u can find me there easier but i miss u guys and i miss the community so even tho i cant be super fantrolly right now i hope that ,maybe some of u would understand or relate to what i look for in my art and maybe we can talk about it or just ocs... im working on my social skills a lot more lately and finally have irl friends so ive been spending my time getting to know them and stuff but im open to more online too c:

#ooc

[gayemeralds]

4, 8, 9, 15!! plus a bonus 19 from me... my favorite scene of yours of all time is still probably tails telling vanilla that sonic did his best to take care of him but also understanding that sonic was only 11 (sobbing) ... but other ones that give me emotions are, silver finally telling sonic he dies young and rouge and vector talking abt sonics origins. u have so much good stuff its so hard to pick

4. Do you prefer writing multi-chapter or oneshot fanfictions?

hmmmmm for instant gratification i love doing one shots but multi chapters are SO FUN i love writing a big story with multiple moving parts. im just so bad at finishing them 😔

8. What kind of document do you use to you write? Microsoft Word? Google Docs? Straight in the AO3 text box?

for a very very very long time i would just write in my email as a draft until i finally moved to google docs. lol.

9. What’s your favorite line(s) or scene(s) that you have written?

“Enjoy it all while you can,” Metal Sonic says, revving up his jet. He has plans to make, to set into motion. He needs to get better, and fighting Sonic like this hasn’t been working. He has to change his behaviour.

Sonic watches him. “Enjoy what?”

Again, he considers not answering him. But perhaps, if Eggman ever succeeded, if Eggman succeeds in taking over in this timeline, if Sonic’s luck runs out… Metal Sonic wishes he had taken more time to appreciate the small things. Flesh bodies are weak. But it was still his body.

“Being able to bleed,” he answers, before jetting off into the distance.

(from where will you be, if you can't find you? ive been thinking about the metal sonic is sonic roboticised theory lately haha)

15. Are there words, phrases, mannerisms or scenes you tend to use a lot?

i tend to explain time travel in the same manner in all of my time traveling fics… i just think the allegory of time existing as a knitted blanket is the most easily digestible version and makes the most sense to me haha

i have characters tap their chin a lot or quirk their brow simply because I do that (haha i do that!)

also sometimes i read those “dos and donts of writing” tip posts and something i do a lot is have characters say other characters names in conversations (like, “What do you think, Sonic?” or “I don’t know, Amy, that sounds like a bad idea.” etc) but apparently that’s like, unnatural and people don’t do that in real life much? which is funny because i name drop people irl literally all the time idk why

also hopefully this doesn’t get noticed a whole bunch but I have a nasty habit of just dropping the subject of a sentence or putting it at the end. like yoda. so i have to go back and edit my fics a lot over that lmao because sonic characters don’t talk like that

19. uno reverse !!! loved that fic care and maintenance of, especially the beginning where even concussed Sonic’s first priority is to check on tails asap. they are so… SIBLING!!! so good so good

also i KNOW im going to love ur explaining impossible ideas to impossible people i know it i know it in my heart i just haven’t read it but i know i’ll love it

#THANK YOU 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 #sega official speaks

[cookinguptales]

Love living out here in the forest, hate having to drive two hours every time I need to have blood drawn lmao.

Today we have to drive to the nearest town with a LabCorp because I need a lot of bloodwork done, which means I have to go on a long car ride without any food or electrolyte tablets (my love) in my system for about 12 hours. I have a whole host of chronic illnesses, so lbr, this is gonna fuck me up. Good chance I’ll be very iffy the next couple days. If you really need me, send me a chat or an ask so it doesn’t get lost in my notifications and I’ll get back to you when I can! I promise.

I say this because next week I am going to be even more iffy so just in case I don’t feel up to talking before then, I’m not dead! I’m just gonna be hooked up to an IV for several days lmao.

[cut for personal stuff]

I haven’t been talking about it really in-depth because frankly, I doubt people really want to hear the gory details of my personal life but like. Things have been pretty bad for the past eight months or so. Health-wise. I mean, they’re always pretty bad, but things have been... worse. I always joke about oh, I can’t see today, oh I can’t keep food down, oh my body sounds crazy today but like. Honestly speaking, it’s been really hard. My work has suffered, my writing has suffered, my mental health has suffered. The brain fog has been absolutely unreal. I can’t tell you how frustrated I’ve been with these stories in my brain that I can’t seem to draw out. I want to show you them so badly and I’m running out of time... Sigh.

I digress. I was in the process of getting signed up for ketamine treatments before the pandemic hit and I’ve finally gotten an appointment to get started next week. Again, I don’t really talk about it much in detail but like. Yeah, I’ve had MDD since I was in elementary school and there have been some very dangerous periods in my life. It’s extremely treatment resistant and if we’re being entirely honest, dark thoughts are just kind of the cosmic background radiation of my life and have been since I was too young to even understand what I was thinking about. It’s been even harder to push through lately, but ketamine has been shown to help in a lot of SSRI-resistant situations... idk. They say it should also help with the pain, but I guess we’ll see. I’ve sure heard that before.

(At least if no one else is having a good time, I’ve sure given some doctors a puzzle they enjoy...)

I’m kind of scared, honestly. It’s a daunting set of (somewhat experimental) procedures anyway, but also like... I’m scared that it won’t work and this will just be my brain forever? But I’m also scared that it will and I’m going to have to figure out how I’m going to afford this going forward. It’s not covered by my insurance. 🙃 So my brain’s kind of all over the place, but some of that is also that I’m hungry and dizzy as hell but I won’t get to eat or consume salt for another *checks watch* 4-5 hours. ;;

(Why yes, I’m sure I do sound very scattered rn. Don’t worry, I’m not the one driving. lmao)

idk, just trying to keep my head up. We have to drive all the way down to freaking San Francisco next week and I’m not looking forward to THAT drive, but I’m hoping I have the energy to do some grocery shopping down there. Again, love the forest. Hate the food selection out here in the middle of absolute nowhere. lmao

I do not know how the ketamine is going to affect me just like, frankly speaking, I usually don’t know how fucking any medication is going to affect my weird-ass body. I could be fine and happy as a clam posting about vampires next week! But I could also be out like a damn light and totally uncontactable. So heads up either way.

OH BUT SILVER LINING the doctor did say I’m allowed to take my motion sickness pills before we drive down today, and if you’ve ever been on the roads up in the far northern part of California, you will know why I about cried with relief lmao.

#just me #my notifs have been kind of a mess lately with DD #so if I miss any replies or anything I'm sorry ;; #asks and chats go to a separate inbox so that's a more reliable way to get my attention #look man I know this is a ramble but it's not like LJ still exists so you'll just have to put up with me

[zak-shit]

march 1st 2024 9:14 pm

don't greatly feel like doing this rn, but i know I do need to.

brain is constantly racing lately. i mean constantly i really do.

the grief of losing lisa has been coming harder, i really miss her and i cant believe she is really gone. i will never forget that woman. lisa was truly my favorite person growing up. she's a real angel now.;/ Marisa Lynn just called me while I was writing the below stuff, she said new years eve was the best. I think about thanksgiving alot too, we had a all nighter, I'll never forget seeing Lisa on the back porch as the sun came up. and that was practically the last time I really saw her. Her health went downhill so quick after that.. I had the thought earlier like things just came together in a way, and that night was almost a send off for her. except nobody knew. it was really our fucking reunion., and it turned into our last night together.

tomorrow ive got to go to my brother casey's wedding ;| i haven't seen this side of my family in like nearly 5 years. i ordered something I really like to wear, something that is appropriate, but also boldly ME. It may not arrive in time, and I don't know what to wear in that situation yet, also don't know if what I already have that is appropriate is something i feel comfortable wearing/ me. :/ but its fineeeeeee this wedding will happen. i'm going to see both of my brothers tomorrow, my dads brother (he's chill) and my other niece's and nephews. just weird bc i don't know these people honestly. we have a zero on the relationship bar. idk that just makes me anxious, uncomfortable... shruggg. i just know when I have a life event I wouldn't invite them, but I feel obligated. however i do also feel immensely happy for Casey, the divorce of his first marriage im sure was extremely hard for him. i'm glad he has a great partner now, large happy family. he seems content the last few times I'd seen him. Casey is the only one I have seen in the last 5 years. My aunts funeral, fathers day like two years ago, and Marissas baby shower. He is a good guy, and he deserves to be celebrated and have who he wants to show up for him, show up. I'll also have Cece, and Marissa there to keep me company.

i feel alone. Wrote that before Marisa Lynn called me. Expecting and hoping she calls me back. Idk, its Friday night and I'm all alone, not much is stimulating to me. I don't have a hyper fixation right now, so its like I have nothing lol. makes me feel like a zombie just coasting through life. I understand why my comfort/ favorite/ go to people cant hang out tonight but idk I miss them. And I had to cancel plans with Alyssa for tomorrow bc I changed my mind on attending the wedding. Texted her asking about other days after we talked and she said she was soooo happy I was going. and nothinnnnnn. idk a little "let me seee" and then get back to me would be nice... i know shes got alot going on though. im not upset with her at all. but I miss her :( Ruby cant hang because her back is killing her :( also not upset with her at all, i see her all the time lol. but idk maybe i'm just a bit bored... I have decided to start working shows at the theatre again! maybe partly for a little stimulation. Its been so long since I've done a show! I used to think strongly that I couldnt do it because I'm not getting payed.. but I was never payed before, I always did it because I enjoyed it so much! Its something to do thats a passion of mine. also the sense of community is great and admirable. everyone who is there.. wants to be there! its not like at work where people are miserable. I applied on the website, but i think I'll draft an email to someone tonight. I wanna jump on this burst of energy for it before it goes away and I don't take it up again. plus I'd like to see how much I like it. Crazy being able to get back into hobbys. lol for so long I thought it was possible to make time for it. and hey with me being active there again, maybe it would be easier to also get Cece into it.

I also bought some adderal from Kerri, I think thats what has awoken quite a bit inside me. i really need this shit to be real human. lol especially the highted emotions. I've actually cried both yesterday and today. and its been so therapeutic. Lisa also took me to my first audition into the theatre, she sat there while I did it, she filled out the paperwork. I thank her for that. I wished I could in person because that really means alot not looking back and seeing how far that took me/ changed my life. it really did change my life. so did our pitch perfect binges. <3

my mom has been really good lately. she stopped drinking as much. like for a few weeks, maybe 2 weeks. she didnt really drink at all. shes been alot more active around the house, she said she would treat herself to it on saturdays. which is fair, thats cool. so yesterday, a thursday when I came home and I could tell she at least had a buzz going on, it instantly locked up. idk i was dissappointed, i was angry, I was sad. It triggered me for sure, because, for once I wasnt expecting it. at least on Saturdays I would expect it. I can clock when shes had a sip of alcohol better than I can clock probably anything. so she cant lie to me about it.. but also highly emotional on it because I've wanted the last few weeks to be our reality for so long, and so badly... she really seems ready to cut it down to one day a week. and I know she can do it, she just did it. she just has to stick to it. I have high hopes, thats why I didnt blow up or something about it, also because i'm smarter than that, i know time and place to be heard best. and after a drink its never there. I just mentioned it this morning. I think she had a tiny bit to drink tonight too.

currently talkin flirtin with trey <3 i want him :((

xoxo wasted a bunch of time its now 12:29 am need to try to get sleepy byeeee