Specs & Max Freelance Police in: Hells-A-Poppin'!
+ sam’s vices !!
this is basically an au idea i had for the alt timeline! i wrote out all the changes to the first two seasons, but it's a bit on the longer side so i'm sticking it under the cut.
this takes place immediately after sam and max steal the elevator from their future selves. there’s no obvious changes at first. the director gives them another contract after telling her they misplaced the first one, but not without threat of not giving them another one if they manage to misplace this one. once they wrap up the case and free myra stump from the hypnosis, they take the elevator (and their music contract) with them and put it away in storage, vowing to never speak of the possibility that they just killed their future selves again. ah well, knowing themselves, they probably survive. everything else afterwards is pretty much the same, though when sam and max see superball for the first time sam asks max if he looks familiar. max takes one look at him and proudly declares nope, not at all, and that’s the end of that.
the first major change happens in 106.
hugh: for in all the universe, there’s only one force chaotic and destructive enough to stop me now! but you wouldn’t do that, would you max?
max: who, ME? well, i’m- i’m flattered, but-
hugh: no you wouldn’t, not without your trusty partner, at least.
max: huh?
sam: what exactly are you implying?
hugh: i’m going to… drumroll, please… [drumroll] separate your bliss!
max: really?
sam: what does that even mean?!
hugh: it means i chop off every part of you i don’t like! it’s like circumcision, but double the laughs.
max: he-ey!
sam: quiet, knucklehead.
sam gets split into 3 vices. gluttony, greed, and wrath. wrath is formed from sam’s right ear, greed is formed from sam’s left hand (it even keeps the wedding band!), and gluttony is formed from. well, the stomach. max loses all romantic interest he had in hugh bliss in that moment.
max is very annoyed about the whole situation. he never has to do work on their cases, and suddenly he’s being forced to figure everything out on his own! but seeing sam’s awful blissed-out state is worse. blissed-out sam is basically just a big puppy. all smiles, completely clueless about everything around him, and has to be led around by his remaining hand if max wants him to go anywhere. max considers shooting him every time he makes a comment about hugging trees or something sentimental crap like that, but one look at that big dopey grin on sam’s face and he just can’t do it. he needs to turn sam back quickly, he’s turning into a sap just being near this… shell of his partner.
wrath is in the sanctuary, threatening the COPS for information on max’s whereabouts (yes it’s just noir sam lol). when max and bliss sam finally make their appearance, wrath almost immediately tries to shoot bliss sam. max stops it, of course. it seems like max is the only person wrath won’t lash out against. max has to open one of bluster blaster’s side panels, then get wrath close enough to it to shut the panel on his ear, pulling it off wrath when it tries freeing itself.
once sam gets his ear back, he seems to randomly decide to shoot at max.
max: what was that for?!
sam: i dunno, it just felt right.
when max walks into bosco’s store, he immediately makes eye contact with gluttony sam, who’s sitting on the floor eating a giant tub of ice cream. it doesn’t seem very interested in eating actual people (haha foreshadowing?) in the freezer are a bunch of popsicles. max can grab one and give it to gluttony, who’ll chomp it down wrapper and all. max has to put jimmy two-teeth into one of the wrappers in order to get gluttony to eat him, then pull out jimmy and sam’s stomach with the magic hat.
sam: anyone else suddenly got a hankerin’ for a fudgie freeze?
max: you don’t know how glad i am to hear you say those words.
greed is inside the office, hoarding just about everything in there and more. somehow there’s items in here max didn’t even know they had. or maybe greed just grabbed everything not bolted down to the floor on the way back to the office.
max has to buy bosco’s invention (which is just a big magnet), then use the spoon bending talisman to pull the spork out of the hugh bliss statue’s hand, give it to greed, and then use the magnet to drag its ass towards him and just yank sam’s hand off it.
sam: are you using that magnet?
max: nope! it’s all yours.
upon collecting all 3 vices, sam returns to normal, and they can now go fight hugh bliss. cue world of max :)
not much else changes until 204.
once they enter momma bosco’s store and accidentally reveal max’s lack of interest in girls, momma bosco becomes infatuated with him. sam and max try and argue against this for a while, until max tells her that he’s a married man.
ms b: i don’t see a ring on your finger.
max: well check again!
max flashes his left hand, revealing a bare ring finger. oh. he didn’t put on his ring today. sam is missing his ring as well. seems they got a bit excited when flint invited them on a case with him and forgot them.
(not gonna lie this whole puzzle isnt fully fleshed out. the whole plan would be that they have to go back to their prom and essentially crash it in order to help max realize he doesn’t like girls. i did also have the idea of superball printing marriage certificates instead of patents, which they’d need to grab one from him and hang it on the corkboard in the near future, then go to the distant future and take their wedding rings from their future selves. if i do ever have an idea of how exactly this all pans out i’ll make it into a fic or something. for now tho this is the best i could come up with.)
max is very proud to show off his new wedding ring to momma bosco.
later on, sam is glad he kept that music contract on him, once one of the pedros asks for one.
of course, despite keeping their past selves from boarding the UFO, the elevator is still oddly enough missing when they run back to it.
max: hey, the elevator’s gone! what gives?
sam: hmm… remember what got us into this whole mess, the temporal anomalies and whatnot? maybe it’s another one of those? maybe this is the universe’s way of trying to correct the timeline, and we have to leave the same way our future selves did, since we’re-
max: alright, alright! less talky more- figuring out how to get off this dang ship!
ah well, having two elevators seems a bit overkill anyway.
not so long later, in 205:
sam: you better release our pals’ souls from hell, cause my excitable little friend is getting angry.
max: and i’m angry, too!
satan: there’s no need for that kind of talk. i’ll gladly release your friends. just sign this release.
max: hold on sam, i got this!
sam: …you sure, max?
max: positive! watch this. [he pulls out a crayon and scribbles his name on the contract]
satan: and that’s that.
sam: well that was pretty easy.
satan: now just do me a favor and think of the most horrible thing you can imagine.
max: ooh, that might take a second, there’s so many- oh, maybe- wait no, i’ve got it!
satan: good. now off you go!
[max disappears]
sam: sweet summering sausages sweltering on a busy sidewalk, what did you do?!
satan: he traded his soul for that of all your friends. they never read the fine print. now max will spend eternity in his own personal hell!
max: back in the office? where’s my partner?
specs: i’m over here!
max finds himself stuck inside a now very tidy office with specs, the neat freak of the soda poppers.
max: so where’s my REAL partner?
specs: what are you talking about, i AM your real partner.
max: uh, no. last i checked my partner was a six foot tall dog in a suit, not… you.
specs: oh, max. clearly you’re confused. you’ve always had a terrible memory. but don’t worry, i’m here to keep everything in order for you.
max is just about ready to start ripping out patches of his fur when he sees sam, sticking his big nose through the hole in their office wall. after a bit of arguing, max remembers the key card. he yells at sam to use it so they can kick demon’s spec’s ass together. when sam gets in there they do just that, ending in sam throwing the demon out the open window. with max’s personal hell defeated and leonard’s soul free they leave and finally go and confront satan.
as a bonus, a fun change to a piece of dialogue in 201:
sam: how long do you think it’ll take for one of us to kick the bucket?
max: i dunno, but i think if one of us were to go, the other would follow very close behind. maybe not even by choice!
sam: does that mean if i go first, i can take you with me?
max: sure does! in fact, i encourage it!
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time to rant about my eggpire madoka au ^_^ this will not be spoiler free in the SLIGHTEST for madoka magica so take this as your warning to skip this post if you don’t want to see any of that
so to start with kyubey is ofc the egg. instead of being impartial and apathetic, only serving to fight against entropy, the egg utilizes magical girls’ energy source for itself, kind of like what it does in-canon with people’s life force. magical girl being used very loosely, as it’s very much a unisex position. i’m not sure if it’d look like kyubey or like, some sort of sentient plant though. maybe something more similar to what bebe looks like in rebellion.
bbh is homura, and skeppy is madoka! their story largely follows the same track, with skeppy already being a magical girl when he and bad first meet, only to die to walpurgisnacht, so i’m making dreamXD for now, but it’s not something i’m too solid about. bad makes his contract with the egg, wishing to be able to redo his first meeting with skeppy, and to be the one protecting him. bad gets thrown into a time loop of the same month, constantly trying and failing to save skeppy from his death, desperate to do anything for his safety.
ant is mami, although his wish differs from hers and is closer to dsmp canon, having wished for velvet to be brought back. punz is kyoko, with their wish having been for people to listen and follow dream’s preachings. and ponk is sayaka, whose wish was for sam’s hands to miraculously heal so he could invent again. that of course makes sam kamijo, and foolish hitomi.
the events follow the canon of madoka magica as closely as possible. ant still dies to bebe (or whatever bebe’s witch is called), punz still arrives to be his replacement, ponk still falls into despair as she sees foolish and sam happily together, and punz still dies killing ponk’s witch form. XD still attacks, bad still tries to fight it alone, and skeppy still puts an end to it all with his wish and contract. the real major difference is that after seeing all the horrors of the world of magical girls, skeppy’s wish isn’t to end their suffering, like madoka’s was. he’s just fucking annoyed and tired and done with having to witness it all, so he wishes to kill all witches before they’re born so he (and no one else) has to continue putting up with this shit. its not really that much of an act of selflessness, it’s just that after bad explained to him the time loop and all of that, he could not fucking stand the idea of going through all this again, whether he could remember it or not. anyways he ascends to godhood yadda yadda i could go into rebellion as well but it’s late so. maybe another night. this is for the extremely niche 0.00000000001% of my followers that are as obsessed with the eggpire and pmmm as i am <3
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"I need you to be quiet for me, okay?" alien Sasha and werewolf Anetra's first meeting. So definitely not smut, even if I took it from that list.
This is so stupid and weird sbsbsv weird girlie shit but anyway <3 idk how to write sci fi so I tried my best 😭
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Anetra’s ears perked up as an unfamiliar scent filled her sensitive nostrils, it smelled of smoke and burning wood, igniting her panic. She ran full speed toward the smell, slowing down to approach cautiously as she got to where the scent was the strongest. Creeping alone the tree lines, she peered into the opening in the middle. Despite the strong smell of smoke, no smoke appeared, only a lone woman standing in the middle of the clearing. Even from afar, Anetra could tell she was beautiful, but there was something off about her that Anetra couldn’t quite make out. Anetra phased back to her own human form and stepped into the clearing.
“Who are you?” She said, the woman looking at her and cocking her head to the side, a smirk on her perfect face, “this is private territory.”
The woman smiled. “So it is.”
Anetra stepped closer, only a foot or so away from her. Up close, Anetra could sense she wasn’t human, at least all the way. She obviously wasn’t a wolf, like Anetra, she didn’t have the features or the scent; or the distinct warmth that radiated off the wolves, instead an icy coolness emanated from the woman’s skin. Perhaps vampire? Anetra thought to herself, though that seemed unlikely too as her irises were a clear lavender, not deep crimson like the other vampires Anetra had come across.
“What are you?” Anetra spoke out loud, the woman laughing in response.
“What are you?” She repeated, an exact copy of Anetra’s voice.
Taken aback, Anetra crossed her arms over her chest, a feeble attempt at protection. She wondered if she should phase back to her wolf form, but she didn’t want to spook the woman and have her leave. As much as she confused Anetra, she fascinated her and Anetra found herself drawn to her.
“You’re a wolf,” the woman said, an amused smile on her face, “you don’t need to phase, I’m not a threat.”
“You-you can read minds?”
She nodded once. “Mhmm, so can you, can’t you?”
“Not technically,I can only hear the thoughts of my pack when we’re in wolf form.”
“I see, well, if you must know I’m not from here. I sort of ended up here after an unfortunate series of events.”
“You’re not from here? What do you mean ‘here’? I told you this was private territory.”
“By ‘here’ I mean Earth,” the woman chuckled, “you wolves are so inquisitive.”
“So you’re an alien?”
“We prefer the term extraterrestrial, but yes, I suppose to you I am an alien.”
“You don’t look like an alien,” Anetra said.
She laughed, throwing her head back. “You Earth dwellers are so funny, you expect all of us to be green with big heads or something. My species can take on any form, including that of a human.”
“Do you have a name?”
“Of course,” she laughed again, “my name’s Sasha.”
“Sasha,” Anetra whispered, tasting the syllables on her tongue, “I’m Anetra.”
“Pleasure to meet you, Anetra, do you think you’d be able to help me? I ended up here after crashing my ship.”
Anetra felt herself compelled to help, nodding in agreement.
“Good, I’ll show you where my ship is.”
Sasha led Anetra just outside the clearing where her ship lay wrecked and smoking, explaining the burning smell that Anetra had smelled.
“I’ll be honest, I have no idea where I’d begin to fix this. You can come back to mine for the night if you want and we can look at in the morning?”
Sasha smiled. “Thank you for your kindness.”
“I need you to be quiet for me though, okay? There are other wolves from my pack on protection duty tonight and they don’t take kindly to outsiders, especially ones that aren’t human.”
Sasha nodded in agreement, taking Anetra’s hand. Anetra was shocked by the difference in temperature of their skin, where hers was toasty and warm, Sasha’s was borderline icy, sending gooseflesh up her arm. “I will.”
Anetra led Sasha through the trees to where her tiny cabin sat, an orange glow coming from inside.
“This is me,” she said, letting them inside. In the dim light of her place, Sasha looked even more ethereal, her skin almost glowing.
Sasha placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, sparks igniting in her skin. “Thank you for your hospitality.”
Still reeling from the touch, Anetra smiled awkwardly. “It’s no problem.”
She said it was no problem, but she could tell the alien would be a problem for her. Whether it was the quick vision of kissing her, or her pack finding out about her, Anetra was sure in some way, Sasha would be a problem.
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