#idk how to describe this anxiety bc its so DUMB | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

schizosupport · 3 months

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hey :) so im currently having what is likely psychotic episode, ive experienced various trauma both through childhood and with sexual abuse, and currently have struggles with eating, self harm and also have extremely severe anxiety, depression and then bpd and adhd too

i think more than anything i just want the validation that it is psychosis, that it likely isn't real but it's okay, and that getting help IS a good thing, bc ive been rejected from the public health system for it bc apparently im not psychotic and it wont get worse- as well as any advice on what to do about it all (im in australia if that helps)

uhm. so there's this guy called lamben that showed up about two months ago now, and since then hes explained stuff around me needing to help him take down the queen of the opposing nation, bc shes hurting his people and he brought me some of the victims and theyd had severe burns and everything and it's all more around magic

and so ive been asked to train with him to use the powers i have that are stronger than all of his peoples, which i can see it's like black smoke almost, and then also talking to this other guy called kesan whos the queens assistant thats against what's happening

and so there's been a plan made and everything of how to infiltrate the castle and im terrified rn of going through with it in case i get caught and stuck and i dont take her down i get taken captive

and idk if i sound dumb but like. either im able to connect with another world or its psychosis

and everyones saying it isnt real but i need help navigating it all if youre able to offer anything at all

tysm, know this was a bit of a dump but ty 🫶🫶

Hi there!!

I'm happy you reached out to me. It sounds like you got a lot of stressful stuff going on at the moment, both in shared reality and private reality.

To respond very simply, what you describe sounds like a flavour of psychosis to me, based on my understanding of reality, and I hope you can access some competent help with it. It sounds like a really stressful position you've been put in, where you are the only one who has the ability to save these people you feel have been contacting you.

I'm wondering how you experience your connection to this world? Is it as if reality around you changes, are they coming to you in dreams, or a third option?

I'm asking because I'm wondering what it might entail in "shared reality" to infiltrate the queen's castle? If you think about the actions you'd have to take, is this something that could put you in danger or trouble within the reality that we share with most people?

I'm not doubting your experience and that it's a type of psychosis, I'm asking to get a feeling of what the "real life" implications are of your beliefs and the actions you are being asked to perform. It sounds like you are aware that these beliefs and experiences are unusual, and at the very least aren't aligned with the reality other people are generally experiencing. So I am hoping you are able to think through how you've been interacting with this other world so far, to compare how your actions would appear in shared reality.

Because the first question to think about is whether this has the potential to be dangerous to you or others. Because if it does, you may need to escalate the asking for help. I don't know a lot about Australia, but in my country that would look like contacting emergency services if you feel that you are in danger of doing something that can be dangerous. But I would suggest trying to ask someone Australian, to confirm if what emergency services has to offer is actually helpful.

If the answer is no, it's not dangerous, that doesn't mean it isn't causing you significant distress. But it means you have more space to safely explore your options for help in your own pace.

It might also be that the distress it's causing you is in some ways a welcome distraction from other brain and life issues at the moment. Sometimes psychosis can be a type of escapism that the brain engages in. For example if you feel powerless, it can feel good to have special powers to save others, at least for a while, until the pressure might get to be too much.

It's not necessarily black and white, only good or bad.

As far as help goes, I wonder if you currently have anyone like a therapist or anyone like that, to work through trauma etc with? Or other types of support? Psychosis can definitely be heavily linked to stress, and lacking support to work through other difficulties you're facing can make it worse. The help offered for psychosis itself is unfortunately often somewhat lackluster, often it starts and ends with antipsychotics, even though psychotic people do benefit from therapy. There's at the same time a tendency for mh professionals to dismiss symptoms of psychosis, and to focus on them very single-mindedly. Many people experience either being dismissed, or to have the psychosis being acknowledged while everything else gets pushed to the side. So it can be complicated to navigate the system while having psychosis and other issues that tie in with it.

I hope some of this was helpful, feel free to return to my inbox. I wish you the best ❤️

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italianeyes · 4 years

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dgd had it right when they said "i live alone, die alone, i'm my own boss"

#i cant wait to fucking move out #ppl in my house move around too much #loke my mom uses the bathroom like every fucking hour and for whag #does sh realize how much anxiety i get when i hear the fjcming tap run and her washing her dumb fucking hands and making so much NOISE #and my brother diesnt know how to fucking CLISE DOKRS #everyone just makes so mjch fucking nkise i cant even take it it makes me wanna crh so bad #and it makes my brain feel like its lkterally ktching idek hoe to describe kt #i cany wait to just live alone all by myself without anything making any noise #jusy in silence #i hate living here i hate having mental lroblems i hate everything #anhwaus whatever #thoughts #dance gavin dance #parody catharsis i think idk what song they have so many and i know all of them #it just makes me so mad i hate it #AND MY MOM NEVER LEAVES THIS FLOOR #and why does she need the bathroom so much #why does she have to wash her fucking hands so much she could just do it in the kitchen #i miss in oerson school so much bc i dont have to deal with this bullshit for like half a day every day 5 days a week #i hate being here im losing mh mind #and my fucking sister hasnt talked to me in 2 days bc shes pissed at me fkr smth that was her fault #i hate being here i hate living here so much #delete later maybe #idk #also my desktop pic is me and dgd when i met them and sometimes ill look at it and be like damn o really MET them huh #verh interesting and cool and radical

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olivesjaw · 5 years

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#idky but im fuckin freaking out lmao!!#pssst olive its bc u have anxiety #everything feels so unbearable and dumb and pointless lol!!! how do people live i cant fucking do it !!!#idk how to describe it but i just feel imminent impending doom #like my life isnt in danger right now but i feel like i could die???#i guess this is anxiety huh

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ddarker-dreams · 4 years

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Do you have any blog recommendations bc my dash is super dry. It doesn’t have to be yandere just anything in particular ah

i’ve been wanting to do blog recommendations for a while now so this is the perfect opportunity !! here are some of my favorite blogs and what i love about them. i’ll keep adding to this as more come to mind...

@ramwrites [yandere content, hxh]

has lots of god tier hunter x hunter content! ram is actually the blog that i read the most and made me want to make a yandere blog of my own,, i can’t recommend their stuff enough! they have lots of interesting ideas for dark content. honestly even if you haven’t watch or read hunter x hunter it’s worth checking their stuff out just bc of how they pull you into a story so well. this is my favorite work of rams!!

@honeytea8 [18+, jjba]

shay does a variety of jjba headcanons and scenarios!! i especially love the aesthetic for her blog. she posts a lot of content relating to jjba part 5 so if you follow me for that, you’ll love her blog! honestly just has some of the cutest headcanons ever... i can’t count how many time’s i’ve read this headcanon post of hers. SO CUTE ... !!!!!!

@costellos [jjba]

HUGE inspiration to me, toya is a big sweetheart and a phenomenal writer! every time i see she’s updated her blog i’m running over there at the speed of light. i don’t know if this makes sense but the way she describes characters interacting with the reader feels so genuine?? and real?? idk i just love it. always makes me smile. reading toya’s work is like drinking hot chocolate or something it’s just so heartwarming. whenever i’m feeling down i read her stuff! i recommend this, it gives a lot of interesting insight into the bucci gang !!

@jojosprostate [18+, jjba, yandere]

CALLI IS THE GOD OF SMUT!! if you’re ever feeling thirsty you gotta head over there. she never fails to amaze me honestly. i always check to see what her new stuff is multiple times a day bc it’s That good . she writes for a variety of the jjba cast, giving some of the less popular characters lots of god tier content!! my favorite work of hers is definitely sweet citrus [smut], i’ve probably read it around ten times no exaggeration. calli does the lord’s work.

@greenbeanb0i [18+, jjba]

JUNO INSPIRES ME SO MUUUUCH !!! they’re so knowledgeable about a variety of subjects and it shows in their work. juno puts an unbelievable amount of effort into their worldbuilding and characters, honestly business before pleasure feels better than published novels i’ve read before. if you like giorno i literally CANNOT recommend BBP enough. they also do analysis on characters and different works, i end up reading it even if i’m not familiar with the media it’s based on just because i find juno’s perspective on things so absorbing.

@dear-yandere [multifandom, yandere]

i think we all know how amazing vanya is, but on the off chance you haven’t stumbled across her works, please check her out!!!!!!!!! everything vanya writes is like poetry, i can’t even begin to describe how much i love her writing style. there have been so many times i read her descriptions and i just go HOW ?? can anyone think of anything this clever and amazing ?? but like this happens to me multiple times when i’m reading her stories. vanya’s work is like the finest of Wine (i haven’t actually had wine before but i’m assuming it’s rich or something...) this is my favorite work of vanya’s, it literally blew my mind . i never thought i’d feel anything like sympathy for yandere DIO but vanya managed to make me feel that way. her work always invokes so many emotions -- anxiety, hollowness, a lack of power -- the perfect combination for yandere works. you’ll find yourself rereading the lines of her stories multiple times and going WOOOAHH i promise .

@jotaros-massive-tiddies [18+, jjba, some yandere]

ro honestly is a godsend to anyone that loves jjba and is thirsty as Fuck. honestly most people that are into jjba are thirsty so this is the blog for YOU . stumbling across ro on ao3 was like the equivalent of finding gold i s2g. i binge read their stuff and still find myself returning to their stories!! they’ve written for almost all of the jjba characters too, so chances are you’re gonna be partying over the content for any less popular characters you might like.

@bigwriterenergy [jjba, some yandere]

GOOSE IS SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS MY LORD AND SAVIOR ,, she singlehandedly inspired me to share my scarlet ribbons work. her reverse harem bucci gang headcanon post was a cultural reset unlike Any other. its a national holiday as far as i’m concerned. goose is someone else who describes the relationships between characters so well, that it feels real. i especially LOOOVE how she writes jotaro. it’s hard to pick just a single one of my favorite works from goose but,, i’d definitely say it’s the reverse harem one i mentioned earlier.

@j0succ [18+, jjba, some yandere]

nat has an expansive library of jjba content!! anyone who loves la squadra, it’d especially be in your best interest to check out their work. they also do confessions on their blog and it’s really fun to see. as a part 5 fan i’ve spent hours reading through their blog, their characterization is perfect!! my favorite work of theirs is their yandere giorno piece <33

@kazooli [18+, some yandere, bnha]

the Lord of shigaraki thirst, or just thirst in general honestly. honestly has opened my third eye. ever since i’ve seen their characterization of shigaraki being an absolute degenerate i Cannot picture him any other way. kaz is someone else where it’s difficult to just pick one favorite because all of their works are great,, but i especially love this shigaraki [smut] piece. it feels like it encompasses all of the things that make shigaraki a degen and it’s just,, chefs kiss

@risottos-peach [18+, jjba]

this blog is SO FUN !! there are a lot of interesting confessions and i love seeing it pop up on my dash. tumblr flagged her for no reason recently bc it’s a dumb website so please go give her a lot of love, her content is a joy to see <33 my favorite piece would be this godsend of a gold experience requiem fanfic [smut], it’s such a big brain usage of the stand.

@zellywrites [jjba]

ZELLY HAS A SUPER COZY AND CUTE BLOG ,,, her headcanons are so precious i love her writing a lot. soft and sweet vibes. i believe her writing is some of the first i saw for jjba on tumblr, it served as an inspiration for me to try writing jjba myself!! i love this headcanon post of hers the most, it’s so cute that i went :’))) !! when i read it.

#i'm sure i forgot some ppl so i shall continue to add #so many talented writers it's CRAZY ...#recommendations #Anonymous

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juni-ravenhall · 3 years

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reactions (mild spoilers!) on sso comic song of darkness

bc i read it before bed. this is a mix of random reactions + commentary/criticism. no pics sry! under cut bc spoilers, but i dont spoil the story itself, just some content -

- the pages at the intro with character information for some reason made me feel really nostalgic and happy, like, “wow this is a real comic” idk its hard to explain. it reminded me of reading stuff like W.I.T.C.H. as a kid (ive read a billion comics in my life but i compare to this bc its closer in general vibe)

- anyway wow sso comics. on paper. wow (yeah i have clouds over silverglade but that was a while ago)

- hhehehehehhe south hoofers and raptor in the bg!!!!!! after this panel i kept looking at the bgs for other cameos kjhdsfg

- i can tell the swedish translation is... a bit... meh. like, yeah this is standard, especially today’s standard, but it could be smoother and more natural, which would make it more fun to read (and supportive of the language in the country where sso was made like? idk...)

- AVALON?? U HAVE A FACE??? he looks way more like evergray than i’d have thought though, youd have imagined he wouldnt want to style himself similar to him lol

- its a bit depressing how even tho this comic tries to express everyone’s personalities, lisa still barely feels like she has a personality. she can sing! ok... and... we’re wating... what else? (there are plenty of “boring” people irl, but in media you usually want to exaggerrate or simplify things a little bit) the current lisa seems like she could have more anxiety/depression in her narrative, the old lisa looked like she was tough in a different way than alex, both of those are things that could be pushed. or anything else.

- my only like, “art related criticism”, also relates to the above - i think more work could be done in using individually unique expressions. im generally not a person who agrees with the idea of “same face syndrome” (often its a stylistic choice which is fair) but i think here it could be a good idea to work a bit more with various expressions - you can have charas who would almost never make huge shocked eyes for personality reasons, charas who always have a very obvious expression (alex does have this a lot in this comic!), charas who always look annoyed or frustrated or scared alongside whatever new emotion they get, etc. just very simplified description bc im already rambling. but basically, letting all charas emote in a similar way also removes layers of personality expression.

- it’s cool that kora is in here!! love to see many known charas!! not rly interested in random new charas since sso already has a ton to work with

- was a bit surprised when they said “mistfall, so youre a long way from home?” to kora when they.. were riding to firgrove from valedale? i could have understood this if they were in like epona or golden hills.. but firgrove?? shes specifically not a long way from home? confused

- i do like that the horses’ personalities get expressed, altho it does feel a bit shoved in, it’s still nice to see them. many of us are here bc of loving horses after all, and this comic delivers in featuring them a lot, even if they dont talk. i get that theres a level of “explaining everything to newbies” in this whole comic, even though i could wish that wouldve been done less blatantly. (kids arent dumb!)

- i do kinda wish the overall story hadn’t been a standalone random thing but something more tied to what we have, exploring parts of the story & charas in sso in more detail, BUT, i think thats a valid direction to go with comics and its more just a personal preference for me. i would anytime take more sso comics that are standalone random stuff than to not have sso comics at all.

- it seems like the reason concorde is an alive adult in this comic, is bc its an AU where concorde “almost died” but didnt, if i understood it right (they just said “she almost lost concorde”). i think thats a bit weird BUT valid, its ok to have differences in canon between different media of the same story, it tends to be like that between books and movies for example. however personally i wouldve preferred to see comics that explore, for example, the 2 years (?) between SSL and SSO, or each soul rider’s life history in general until now, or exploring in more depth events that happen in the main storyline (in sso or ssl which counts as backstory to sso)

- there were times i committed small giggle during this comic even as an adult man, tho arguably a childish adult man, but just to say that it was enjoyable, and overall i thought it was really exciting and fun to read a full sso comic book, and i hope to see a lot more (even if i’d prefer stuff like what i described - more exploration of existing story/charas). like i said at the beginning, i also got good nostalgic feels etc. i feel a bit sad now that its “over”, i wish i could have a whole pile of volumes to read for the rest of the summer.

(when i criticise something, it means i care enough about it to criticise it! i tend to criticise stuff i love - aka sso - way more than stuff i have no interest in or dislike, which i just dont talk about much bc that would be a waste of time.)

#sso #spoilers #mörkrets sång #song of darkness

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1990jeevas · 3 years

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🎂🌈✨?:00

🎂- if you had 3 wishes, what would they be?

this is so very teenager who just graduated high school of me but literally all i want rn is a job that i can at least sort of enjoy, or at least not have anxiety attacks/sensory overload regularly while working <3 (last two wishes go to meeting the gay lil people in my phone, specifically you, annnnnd probably like. a good s/o to cure my touch starvedness /hj)

🌈- things I find attractive in girls/guys

this is a very bad question for me bc i find a lot of things attractive and they are not consistent at all like i genuinely can never describe my type bc i dont think i really have one but uhm?? ill try and list a few??

guys: big fan of the more feminine boys, a sucker for long hair, im also a big fan of a boy who is literally just the nerdiest motherfucker around but not in a know it all way, i mean in a “let me infodump to you about pokemon even tho i know you have very little interest in it” type of way (same can be said for any gender tbh)

girlies: a sucker for girls who have less typical hairstyles?? idk how to explain this better sorry!! im a big fan of girls with rounder faces ig?? i love me a girl whos like twice my size, give me a girl whos 6ft+ and ill start foaming at the mouth uhmm im also a big fan of “over accessorizing” on girls?? like huge earrings, a shit ton of necklaces, rings on every finger, elaborate outfits, etc. (i cant be the only bitch pulling out all my jewlery for a fucking outing okay, somebodies gotta at least meet me half way /hj)

nongender specific things that i obsess over: crooked or gap teeth, freckles, big fan of redheads, people who look like they could rock my shit but not bc they have muscle, just bc they look super mean, anybody wearing a choker immediately has my heart, bitches that are smart but also dumb as a box of fucking rocks

✨- which fictional character (book, show, or movie) do you relate to most?

richie tozier, jj maybank and john murphy tie for my most Me kins (but probably jj, despite the fact that he is not one of my highest kins. its the being a traumatized himbo who doesnt realize he’s in love with his bestie for me)

#shit self #asks #cinnamon tag 🍄#bttrcoup #sorry im responding so late i just suck at answering asks #kinz

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pk-majora · 3 years

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Exploring my natal chart pt.3. idk how to describe this one other than me looking at my placements i understand the least lmfao.

So my Saturn is in Aries and is in the third house and this is what I found about that:

"Saturn in the 3rd House in Aries – With Saturn in the 3rd house in Aries, there is a penchant for communication that is direct, candid and to the point. These individuals don't beat around the bush and they have a certain confidence and enthusiasm that compels others to believe in them."

SOURCE: https://astroligion.com/saturn-in-3rd-house/

"If the third house starts in the sign of Aries, we see an individual with a fast mind and an aggressive approach to communication. This is someone energized and filled with active ideas, whose mind never stops working."

SOURCE: https://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/astrology/houses/third/

"People born with Saturn in the third house in their birth chart are precise, resilient and capable of seeing things in depth. They can organize very efficiently and deal with life in the most traditional and conservative way.

It’s possible they’ll have an inclination towards mathematics and logic, their mind being very capable of developing great strategies when put in such a situation.

These people don’t like to waste too much time with a project and prefer to be alone because they sometimes feel like people can only bring them trouble. This is because they may encounter problems with communication and can’t find the way to express themselves clearly all the time.

The main purpose of the 3rd house sits in the subconscious functioning of the natives’ mind, when these are dealing with their most comfortable surroundings.

This house refers to the purest way people behave and communicate or how they function when interacting, so with that in mind, it’s obvious that it doesn’t deal with the unconscious.

It seems the small things people say and do unconsciously are the ones that present who they actually are!

Saturn in 3rd house natives may seem shy and distant. Some can be turned off by them, so they should listen and actually use what they have learned.

This way, they won’t need to do a lot of talking, still their loved ones will adore them for listening.

Saturn in 3rd house individuals have some serious difficulties when communicating.

These natives believe their opinions will get seriously criticized, therefore, they’re insecure and wouldn’t even think of trying to talk about their feelings or thoughts.

Because of this, they’re unwilling to communicate and are scared of making a mistake. It’s normal for them to be shy and always concerned with others’ opinion of them.

Talking is frequently a challenge for them and they could have dealt with some kind of speech impairment when young.

Saturn in 3rd house people aren’t necessarily spontaneous as far as learning goes, small-talk and day-to-day discussions about the latest news.

They simply don’t have a lot of interest in simple subjects and are all the time serious because they dislike superficiality in all its forms.

They may be very good when it comes to research, but are often scared or not at all bold enough to deal with the new and the methods that haven’t been tested.

With Saturn here, things generally refer to a highly analytical and precise mind, which can be the effect of many principles taught to them during their first years of school.

From a young age, some of them have been educated to respect every rule, so they may seem insecure when dealing with the unknown as they take their time to act and are cautious.

Many of them have only studied and thought of nothing else, while others were denied to attend a college with strict regulations, where they’d have felt really good.

As children, they probably felt unappreciated for their way of thinking and even called dumb. If disregarded and told their opinions don’t matter, it’s possible they may have learned to remain silent and to open only when thinking they have something very interesting to say.

The psychological buildup of people usually depends upon what’s known, tested and appreciated.

Saturn in 3rd house individuals deal with cognitive activities by insisting and striving for perfection, security for them being attained only when the truth is understood and every little detail has been studied.

If not, any form of advice coming from others can intimidate them. The slow movement of Saturn supplies many problems in matters relating to home and family members.

Natives having Saturn in 3rd house typically start speaking at an older age than other children, could have a somewhat sluggish and fearful speech or can be exaggeratedly timid to talk about their own ideas.

They may take a while to process all the information coming towards them, and while their intelligence isn’t lower when compared to others’, Saturn often makes them seem less smart.

Even if they may possess a high intellect, their surroundings would make them feel too scared to talk, which they accept as a reality until seeing what their speech can do.

It doesn’t matter if men or women, they could be late bloomers who use only their own pace. Saturn makes these natives extremely stable when it comes to the knowledge they’ve obtained throughout the years.

What they have heard is strongly fixated in their mind and generates new ideas, which can produce an even more developed mind in the long run, a greater understanding than the one of somebody who absorbs data fast, yet in a chaotic manner.

Saturn is the bully of all planets, making people with it in the 3rd house seem distant or too shy. Situations in which communication is needed can make them feel uneasy, but since they don’t necessarily say too many things, they have this great way of listening.

And it’s not that they want to be this way, they just are! Don’t even think they will ever speak in public, yet Saturn in the 3rd house makes them silent and ready to develop great observational skills that eventually lead them to success.

They prefer to work in the shadows, sometimes as journalists or scientists and are disciplined or very well coordinated, finding those who happen talkative and unorganized very bothersome.

They have probably been discouraged to talk when young, possibly because their parents considered some things should never be discussed.

Saturn in the 3rd house can even briefly disrupt them in school as well, however, they will surely devote a lot of their time and efforts to the aspects of life related to education.

They may need to study twice as harder, but at least they have their own strategies when it comes to working towards reaching their objectives.

It’s possible they’ll want to achieve great successes in research, but for this to happen, fighting their own anxieties would become very important.

It’s good that Saturn provides patience and endurance, so these would be two of their advantage when it comes to accomplishing any type of task.

Their communication is lacking a lot of heart and soul, therefore, they won’t call or text a person until initially determining what they want to say.

This can be terrific for some professions, especially those that require the employees to be as discreet as possible.

Natives with Saturn in the 3rd house are fantastic at managing confidential information and working for newspapers, or for tasks where they don’t need to interact that much with their colleagues and superiors.

They’re also cautious and manage to obtain results faster than others because they’re always minding their own business.

It’s suggested they spend some more time examining other individuals and their desires because this can help them determine what they want too and they surely are capable of good relationships.

They should use their instincts and have significant talks with both their family and friends.

Relaxing and letting their few communication abilities unfold will put them in the ideal direction, so they’ll eventually learn how to talk more openly, which can be their life’s challenge."

SOURCE: https://i.thehoroscope.co/saturn-in-3rd-house-what-it-means-for-your-personality-and-life/

(Aquarius ascendant) "If Saturn is placed in the sign of Aries in the 3rd house but if the 3rd lord Mars is placed in the sign of Scorpio in the ***10th house*** then people working in mines, chemical industry, or petrochemical industry as engineers or as workers are generally seen from this placement. Scorpio is a sign of digging and drilling and so people involved in a type of work where there is digging or drilling involved can also be seen from this placement. Also, people working with construction equipment such as construction vehicles or ploughing can also be seen. People working in coal, oil, and gas industries can also be seen such as working on underground pipelines."

SOURCE: https://www.rajbihani.com/raj/1158/

***I just thought this one was interesting bc all of this is true for except my scorpio mars is in the ninth house... so idk how accurate it makes the whole statement.***

#my natal chart #pt 3

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wetalkinboutbooks · 4 years

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Kingdom of Souls by Rena Barron

Summary: Magic has a price—if you’re willing to pay.

Born into a family of powerful witchdoctors, Arrah yearns for magic of her own. But each year she fails to call forth her ancestral powers, while her ambitious mother watches with growing disapproval.

There’s only one thing Arrah hasn’t tried, a deadly last resort: trading years of her own life for scraps of magic. Until the Kingdom’s children begin to disappear, and Arrah is desperate to find the culprit.

She uncovers something worse. The long-imprisoned Demon King is stirring. And if he rises, his hunger for souls will bring the world to its knees… unless Arrah pays the price for the magic to stop him. (Taken from Goodreads)

Our Ratings:

→ Geena: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

→ Kae: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐⭐️

Overall: Kingdom of Souls is full of worldbuilding and characters that draw you in, thought sometimes their actions want to make you rip you hair out. BUT! We really loved this book and are excited to see where this trilogy takes us! Oh also, we should mention there are a few trigger warnings that Rena Barron has listed on the goodreads.

Spoiler-full review below!

The Good:

→ The Worldbuilding

Geena: So, one of the best things about reading this book was the amazing worldbuilding, which she based off of West African mythology. The kingdoms are complex, and the separation of the different people and their faiths was super easy to follow too. I’ve read so many books where they have some wildass worldbuilding that leaves you scratching your head but this author did a good job at making it easy to understand. Also, Rena Barron did such a good job at describing the magic system? When she introduced the witch doctors in the first few chapters I could just visualize how they were and it was like watching a movie in my head. Like I’m still thinking about that one witchdoctor and her tribe that came down on clouds….. Poetic cinema…

Kae: OK, so! I really enjoyed reading the differences between the tribes and how they are distinguished from each other. Some people had their bodies covered in tattoos others were known for their tall and lean figure, light eyes, etc. it was very wonderfully written and I always knew who Rena was talking about when she was mentioning the characters or introducing new ones. Sometimes others don’t do a very good job of separating characters by looks and they expect the reader to remember everything based off of personality, which is quite annoying. Rena did a wonderful job of giving all of the characters their own individuality so we wouldn’t have to struggle and figure out who was who even if they weren’t mentioned by name. The way she wrote the big city (which I cannot remember the name), was very well done and you could easily see the differences between the city and the tribal lands. I also love the way she incorporated the religious ties to magic in this world and the origin story of how they got their magic. There was a war between the gods, and the God of gods gifted humans with his magic. There are even mentions of fallen angels technically. It was just really interesting altogether.

Geena: Yesss, the origin story was also one of the coolest components of the book. Also, Rena Barron does this cool thing of interspersing chapters throughout the book that are from the perspectives of different gods and their opinions on whatever is going on in the book. I really enjoyed that even though the first time I read it I was lowkey confused.

→ Arrah

Kae: Arrah!! My sweet summer, very cursed child. Arrah is the daughter of two of the most powerful witch doctors in this world. Her mother, Arti, comes from a tribe where she was known for being the next in line to be the chief and a high witch doctor. Her father, Oshhe; who is the son of the high priestess/witch doctor and his tribe, making him one of the highest as well. This lineage from which Arrah comes from, left many to have very high expectations for her and her magical abilities. Unfortunately for Arrah, no matter how many magical rituals she went through, was not blessed with magic. She often beats herself up about it because she feels she has let her family down, and truthfully the only person she let down was her mother. Her mother is The high priestess, and I mean THE HIGH PRIESTESS The entire kingdom. So she often waves her daughter off and is not home most of the time anyway because she is fulfilling her duties at the temple. So our main character is very close with her father who is honestly everyone’s dream dad. oshhe is the epitome of a perfect father.

Geena: Reading about her relationship with her dad, I was like “it’s just not realistic.”

Kae: LMAO BUT HONESTLY THO!! So when the children start to go missing in the city people begin to worry. Arrah’s Self-proclaimed a little brother ends up going missing as well. This leads her to sell small pieces of her life in order to use magic for a short period of time and figure out who is stealing the children.

Geena: LMAO Kae’s “sweet summer, cursed child” is so accurate. All she wants to do is become a powerful witchdoctor so her mom will love her :( Despite everyone around her saying that her magic (or lack of) doesn’t define her, Arrah lives in a constant state of anxiety where magic is on her mind. She isn’t the most perfect protagonist and I liked that about her, she made dumb decisions and recognized they were stupid… but did them anyways 💀 A big fucken mood… But then again a lot of what she does throughout the book is driven by her need to help others, like finding her self-proclaimed younger brother or selling more of her lifespan to find a way to free her father from her mother’s spell. Her personal relationships are a wreck too like this girl had a crush on Rudjek, the future royal vizier, it was very much a two way crush but the whole time Arrah was like “Idk does he :////” like u absolute dumbo… EVERY SIGN POINTED TO “YES” AND SHE WAS STILL LIKE “I’m imagining things.”

→ Arrah’s Squad

Geena: Barron also wrote Arrah an amazing group of friends. Primarily, Sukar and Essnai, both her friends from the city who would travel to the tribal lands to visit their own tribes for the yearly magic ritual. Sukar was very much a himbo (like almost every guy in this book lmao) and Essnai was a wlw QUEEN who was the oNLY ONE WITH A STEADY RELATIONSHIP THROUGHOUT THIS BOOK. Barron really said lesbian rights by giving Essnai the most wholesome relationship. Sukar and Essnai didn't turn their backs on Arrah even after her family was banished from the kingdom for crimes that Arrah had nothing to do with, and even accompanied her when it was revealed that Arrah would have to die to set the world to its original state. Also…. Omg when Sukar, Essnai, and Rudjek found out that she gave some of her lifespan for magic they were literally that meme:

Arrah: So I did a thing

Them: What?

Arrah: Sold my life for 3 hours of magic

Them:

Kae: LMAOOOOOOO BINCH

Geena: I JUST LOVED HOW THEY WERE LIKE “U DUMB BITHC!!!!! I GUESS NOW WE ALL GOTTA HELP U DEAL WITH THIS” I loved their friendship so much :’)

Kae: IT WAS REALISTIC AF. I’d also like to mention how everyone and her friend group was basically like “Did you and Rudjek finally kiss yet? No? Typical.” And they would tease Arrah and Rudjek CONSTANTLY. Arrah’s friends had her back through literally everything and were ready to die by her and Rudjek’s side. They were some real ride or die friends when it came down to it. THEY WERE WITH THE SHITS.

Arrah and Rudjek: *standing near each other*

The homies:

→ Arrah’s Dad

Kae: OK so we have Arrah’s father, Oshhe, who is honestly the kindest man that I have ever encountered. He is such a wonderful father to Arrah and does everything in his power to let her know that she is loved and that she does not need to possess magic in order to be loved. He is constantly showering her with the reassurance that she needs to have two accept who she is. Arrah is in love with the stories he tells her. He also allows her to hang out with Rudjek when they both know that Arti, Arrah’s mother, would forbid it. (Rudjeks father did some foul shit to Arti when they were young and she isn’t over it… which is understandable, considering he had her tortured.) sadly, Arti curses oshhe and he is under her spell. He tried to fight it, but his magic just isn’t as strong as hers. He is complicit in whatever Arti says while he is under her curse, but he is often sweating or staring off into the distance, because he is still trying to break free. He’s basically under my control, knows he’s under my control, but is stuck behind magical, mental bars watching everything go down well he can do nothing to stop it. It’s really fucked up.

Geena: Kae summed up Oshhe really well. We learn about how he met and married someone as unloving as Arti and it’s so sad. He’d always been in love with Arti from their time at the tribes, and he still loved her when she came to the kingdom and fell in love with the King. And he was the one there after Arti was freed from her torture, even though he knew that Arti would never love him back and that she wasn’t the same woman he’d fallen for. Also, when he tells Arrah something along the lines of that when she was born he knew she’d be the love of his life bc he loved his daughter so much it’s unREAL. He went to a dangerous forest and killed a mystical animal for her. And he would have killed the gods themselves if it had come to that. And like Kae mentioned he was under Arti’s mind control but was aware of the torture she was putting Arrah through, and when he finally gains back control at the VERY END… AND DIES RIGHT AFTER?????? BRO????? I WAS LIKE THE FUCK!!! HE DID NOT DESERVE THIS!!!!!

Kae: I WAS SILENTLY SCREAMING AT MY DESK

Geena: GIRL RIGHT… IDK BUT HER DAD JUST WARMED MY HEART. HE DIDN’T DESERVE HIS DEATH…

Kae: THAT SHIT HURTED.

The Bad:

→ Arrah NOT CATCHING A BREAK

Kae: So, I’m going to backtrack just a little bit. But when Arrah sells some of her so for magic, she does like this magic phantom walk and finds out that her mother is the child snatcher. Her mother discovers that Arrah knows this and curses her so she can never speak with ill intent against her mother. So whenever Arrah tries to get help or tell someone what’s going on she literally cannot talk. It’s pure agony for her. So her mother curses Oshhe, gets pregnant by a demon via possession of him, and is exiled from the country. So they take a boat and travel to this small town that is known for its unresting spirit activity. Time also doesn’t exist in this town so it’s very hard for her to keep track of minutes, days, months, etc. they get to like this hidden Temple where Arti gives birth to Efiya, the demon baby. Efiya grows rapidly. She is born, then she’s like 5 the next day, then she’s 10. Then she’s Arrah’s age, 16. Efiya is a SUPER powerful girl who has the power of actual Gods, and she is completely unstoppable. Arrah escapes, returns home to her friends, and they’re on a mission to try to stop Efiya. Rudjek dies, comes back, she and he ditch the homies because they don’t want the homies to get hurt. WELL!!!!!!!!!!!! Gotdamn EFIYA shape shifts to look like her sister, waits until Arrah leaves for a moment to collect herself after it gets a little HOT with Rudjek, and goes to take some herbs. OUR GIRL SAID I'M NOT GETTING PREGNANT. comes back and boom. She sees him having sex with her sister. She’s shooketh. And PISSED. And hurt. Then the homies find them, blah blah blah. And long story short, they find the temple of the Gods, she fights and Efiya and they basically kill each other. BUT Arrah comes back and learns her and Rudjek can’t be together. BUT THEY KISS ANYWAY. THEY WERE LIKE FUCK IT. I'M HERE FOR A GOOD TIME NOT A LONG TIME. Oh, yeah… and Efiya killed her parents. That happened. And her grandmother. And all the elder witch doctors because she wanted to steal their magic.

Geena: Poor girl was just knocked around like a ping-pong ball. One tragedy to another 🤕 First, she can’t do magic for SHIT and her mom doesn’t love her because of that. Second, the guy she likes is her mom’s nemesis’ son. Third, every single person she cares about is taken from her one way or the other, from her adoptive lil bro to her dad. Like I thought the book couldn’t get any worse when she saw her dad be possessed, but then Rudjek dies? And when he comes back to life he ends up sleeping with her evil sister thinking it was Arrah. Right, we gotta mention… in an attempt to free the demon king Arrah’s mom has a half-demon half-god baby, aka Arrah’s sister

Kae: SHE FUCKS A DEMON!!!!!

Geena: A DEMON IN HER HUSBAND’S BODY TOO… AND ARRAH WATCHES THIS HAPPEN IM SCREAM .. AT LEAST I THINK SHE DOES BC I HAD TO RE-READ THAT CHAPTER LIKE 2 TIMES

Kae: GIRL THAT SHIT WAS SO WILD WHAT THE F U C K

Geena: AND YEA…. TO TOP IT ALL OFF TURNS OUT ARRAH IS THE REINCARNATION OF THE DEMON KING’S SOULMATE…. SO THERE’S THAT, NOT TO MENTION SHE AND RUDJEK ARE ILL-FATED BC TOUCHING EACH OTHER SAPS ARRAH’S MAGIC (which she acquires permanently after some wild rituals her grandma does before dying at Efiya’s hands). THE LIST OF EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG WITH ARRAH’S LIFE IS SO FUCKING LONG OH MY GOD I FORGOT HOW SHIT SHE HAD IT

The Ugly:

→ Arti and Efiya

Geena: The ugliest villains can be found in this book. We have Rudjek’s dad that had Arti tortured, which broke her mind and twisted her into an unloving and terrible person. Hearing Arti’s story pulled at your heartstrings, but did it justify her killing 12 underprivileged children to resurrect a demon with whom she’d have a baby with JUST so she could resurrect the demon king. In my opinion… no. Not even just that, but treating your own child like shit and basically ignoring she exists until the very end of the book where suddenly she feels regret for neglecting Arrah for 16 years. Overall, on a scale of 0-10 Arti is a -5 when it comes to the mom scale. Also, Arti is a powerful witchdoctor, and she cant feign ignorance because I’m pretty sure she would’ve seen the future at one point and seen everything that goes down. The only good thing she did do was kill the man that tortured her and countless other women. I feel like I’m too harsh on her given what she’s gone through, but she essentially puts Arrah through the wringer by cursing her and forcing her to watch her dad lose his own body. I’M LIKE I DONT WANT PPL TO BE LIKE ‘UR JUS BEIN A BITCH, ARTI SUFFERED TOO’ LIKE yes she did suffer, but rather than taking action against those that put her through hell she chose to ruin the lives of innocents ju kno.

Kae: YES!! Arti was on some bullshit and I get she got fucked up and the love of her life was against her. But like… don’t take that out on your daughter because you can’t use her to get back at your enemies. I think that’s exactly why she treated Arrah the way she did. Arti married Oshhe for his power in hopes to have a powerful child. When that didn’t happen, she was pissed and started planning for that damn demon baby. Her actions are all based on revenge and power and in the end, they kill everyone. Including Arrah, though she doesn’t stay dead for long. She literally is like “Nah, I got shit to do.” And the gods are like “Mmm ... we can’t let our sister be reincarnated into you again… soooo, no?” And Arrah is like “Too bad bitches!” And zooms back into her own body.

And then there’s Efiya. Efiya is described as beautiful and looks much like their mother. She starts off as a sweet little girl who just likes being around her big sister. But once she learns human things, like playing and being a child, she gets interested in that, and begins to abuse her powers.

Geena: I was kinda disappointed on how the Efiya storyline went because like Kae mentioned, she had started off as a sweet girl who loved Arrah. And I had thought Arrah would run away with Efiya and train her against Arti but bOY WAS I WRONG. Efiya is powerful and she knows it, she kills countless gods and absorbs their power, and when she kills Arrah’s grandma she tries to take her power too but for some reason it doesn’t take. Instead, Arrah ends up taking her grandma’s magic (along with every other powerful witch doctor). This annoyed the fuck out of Efiya, bc she’s supposed to more powerful than Arrah, prettier than Arrah, and just generally better at everything. So, Efiya is like ‘I can’t take your powers or see your future so I’ll fuck your man instead” …… very much 0-100. Near the end of the novel I still couldn’t tell, did Efiya really love Arti and Arrah? Because on the one hand it seemed like she hated the prospect of killing them, but on the other hand Efiya didn’t care about skewering Arti. She was a complex villain for sure, kinda in the same way Arti was.

Kae: OH. AND THE DEMON KING GAVE ARRAH SOME OF HER PAST LIFE MEMORIES BACK. So like, now a piece of Arrah feels torn because she loves everyone in her current life. But she was married to the Demon King in a past life and he is determined to have her love him again. And I feel like a very small piece of Arrah does. The Demon King wants her back so they can resurrect demons, kill the remaining Gods, and take over the world like they originally planned. SO. THERE’S THAT. A big whammy for ya there. But yeah. Shits crazy.

Geena: KJDNFDS RIGHT THE WHOLE ‘MARRIED TO THE DEMON KING IN A PAST LIFE’ SCHTICK…. THE POTENTIAL FOR ANGST???? GOD I CAN’T WAIT. This is a love triangle I CAN get behind because it’s gonna be MESSY

Kae: He also mentioned possibly trying to kill Rudjek.

Geena: Oh yea oh man.... Wait... there is a meme for this

Arrah seeing the Demon King and Rudjek throwing hands:

Conclusion

Kae: SO! In conclusion, we loved this book. The story was WILD from Start to finish. Rena is such an amazing storyteller and her descriptions that were vivid without being overdone. You know how some others like to go on for 10 pages about the smell of the wind and the bark of a tree. But Ren does it right! My favourite part of the book has to be Arrah and Rudjek . being so awkward around each other and dodging the fact that they’re both in love with each other. It was really cute because neither of them wanted to ruin their friendship and I think that was very realistic. The friendships are also beautifully written as well. And the way Rena differentiates the cultures of the tribes from one another is amazing and I felt like I was there.

Geena: I agree to everything Kae said above, Barron does an amazing job in (like what we mentioned before) worldbuilding shit. AND YEA my favourite part was like when Sukar purposely hangs around Arrah to make Rudjek jealous JUST BECAUSE IT WAS SO FUNNY TO ME. But honest to god I’m so excited to see how it’ll go from here because it’s supposed to be a trilogy right, so there is SO MUCH that can happen and there are SO MANY paths this can take.

#kingdom of souls #rena barron #book review #kos #bookly #wetalkinboutbooks #bookblr #booklr #bookish #book blogger #book blog #book blogging #bookstagram #books #reading #book shelf #our review

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monohart · 5 years

Text

clouds. (college!au)

ft. mark lee, sunny days and the brink of adolescence.

dating the campus’ radio dj was not an easy job

he was always, always busy, especially in the evenings.

he was exempted from 2/3 of his classes this semester to fit in broadcasting sessions and also to mentor the new broadcasters.

apparently they recruited a freshman, jisung. but he was a shy little bean, and mark needed to spend a lot more hours mentoring him.

which kinda meant that you would spend less time with your boyfriend

thankfully, y’all had similar classes.

there was this one class which was a capstone subject

which meant if u want to graduate u HAD to take it lol

and he aced all of the assessments in that subject so far this year

but you were just a bit competitive, so with exams coming, you planned to score a higher grade than him

which.. was an easy job, right? he spent most of his nights hosting the radio show anyway.

it both bugged and made you so extremely proud that mark was already getting proper job offers from major broadcasting channels

like when he got his first offer, he actually just finished a broadcast at around 3am, and was on the way back home

but he read the email on his phone and took a detour to your apartment

which scared the sh*t out of you

mark its almost 4am you could’ve just sent me a text??

“i don’t care i just needed to tell you this in person, oh my goodness is this even real????”

idk mark you tell me???

it was real, because he started getting offer after offer in the following week

but thankfully he didn’t pop by your place in the middle of the night again, after that first time

because you actually let him stay over that night and -

he held you in his arms as he leant against your headboard

and you just used him as a pillow because he you made him take a quick shower and he smelt of your soap but he still smelled of him and it was a comforting scent which sent you off the dreamland real quick

and he actually watched you fall asleep and made sure you were asleep before he pulled out his laptop to work on an assignment that was due the next day

when you woke up the next morning, you felt something cold and hard prod your back and you panicked for a moment before realising it was his laptop

and you heard the shower running so you knew it was mark going through his morning routine

but then you thought.... did he even sleep?

when he hopped out of the bathroom clad in same the clothes he wore the night before, he was still drying his hair with a towel

and his face was strew with exhaustion

but as soon as he saw you sitting groggily on the edge of your bed, his face lit up and he strode over to kiss the top of your head

“mark, did you even sleep?”

“nope, but i’m off again, i’ve got to hand in my assignment! i’ll see you for lunch?”

“wait what assignment?? did you need help on it?”

“nope, i got it done last night! thanks for letting me crash.”

before you could stop him, he pressed a hasty kiss on your lips before grabbing his laptop and bag and rushed out the door

and you sigh because

this was how dating mark lee, the campus dj, was like.

anyway

now, you guys were just a few days away from finishing the semester’s classes

and this was your last semester... given if you’ll pass the exams lol

so it was kinda the last few days you’d be able to spend together, on campus.

summer was coming

and the sun was so bright these days, it cleared the skies

no rain, none at all

which was not entirely Great because rainy days helped you study... and rainy days also meant more people tuned in on the campus radio

which meant

mark was kinda jobless today

which ALSO meant!!!

you could finally spend a whole day with him.

but, oh man...

when he called you around 11pm the night before, he was also checking his email and ... accidentally forgot that he had another assignment due at 8am the following morning

guess who didn’t get any sleep at all again!!!

your heart hurt seeing him work so hard

but somehow he convinced you to go to sleep first and not stay up to help him

he still got the assignment in on time because hes mark lee

so when you guys sat on the lawn in the middle of campus just like any typical college couple would on a nice sunny day, mark lay his head on your lap and used one of your textbooks to shield his eyes from the sun

and you were using his laptop to compile your notes from the semester, and also to help him tidy up his

“hey baby...?”

“hmm?”

you waited for mark to continue his sentence but he went silent

“mark, what?”

“mark-”

you lifted your textbook from his face only to find that he had fallen asleep.

his lips were slightly parted and he was snoring really quietly, and his fingers were in loose fists as they rested on his belly.

dont deny but you busted the biggest uwu didnt you

ofc like

you couldn’t possibly waste this precious photo opportunity but

your phone was just slightly out of reach rip

so when you grappled for it, mark woke up in an instant

he sat up real quick, and a tuft of his hair was sticking up messily.

“oh no, i didnt mean to-”

“so d’you wonder why we’re all clouds?”

you stared at each other with equally as confused frowns lol

like mark was actually

hella confused

but your expression literally read wtf

he didn’t really notice but instead yawned and held his arm out to you

and you move closer to him, snuggling into his side as he slowly lays the both of you down again, in a way so you could use his arm as a pillow.

the sun was really really bright so y’all lay there with your eyes squished shut

“we’re all just clouds, aren’t we?”

his serious question was met by your quiet scoff

“no, no, i’m for real. y’know how everything we do are for exams. exams this, assignments that... gpa... scores.. grades... deadlines... those kinda things. they turn us into clouds.”

“that is one extremely weird way to describe college students, mark.”

“no, baby, but... it’s accurate, isn’t it? the anxiety, stress, exhaustion... and just about everything we do turn us all into little clouds.”

“do elaborate, cause i don’t get why you’re comparing us to condensed water vapour.”

mark chuckled a little, and you roll your eyes figuratively, keeping your eyes tightly shut to shield it from the unforgiving sun.

"actually, never mind, it sounded way better in my head.”

at that point you were getting up to lie on your side

he turned his head and squinted at you as you gently placed a hand on his chest

"are you writing lyrics again?”

he hummed quietly and you shift a few inches closer to him.

“show me. i want to read those lyrics, no matter how dumb you think they are.”

“they’re not ready yet.”

“if you’re writing about anxiety, i can be your muse.”

“no way, you’re not a cloud. you’re a sunflower.”

he wrote lyrics all the time and most of the time he’d write them about you

sometimes he’d let you read them, sometimes he kept them to himself

and you’d catch him grinning idiotically over some lyric he wrote some time ago

so when he goes to sleep you would sneak a peak at it and it’s basically a love letter to first-date-you, or a diary entry of how he feels every time he sends u home from a date or from school but its so dreamy and seems unreal but you kNOW ITS REAL!!

bc u were there!!

anyway

idk what came over you but you slung an arm around his torso and rested your head against his shoulder and he let out a quiet little puff of breath

you would think he’s pretty ok with skinship since y’all been together for so long

but yeah it was chill and okay and he’d be super clingy at home but when y’all were in public

man,,, he got so flustered and nervous

u just wanted to cuddle lol but he suddenly turned into a robot

the sun made everything seem slow and warm and sluggish which was pretty okay with you because you were finally spending time with mark!!!

and he was soft and squishy and a little bit awkward but so so so cute so u rly just wanted the moment to last longer

but no

just as u were about to drift off a Shadow™ loomed over u both

mark probably fell asleep again tbh

u heard a rly loud camera go CLICK and distinct voices whisper-yelling at each other

and there was a struggle

and the struggle ended with a Butt falling onto mark’s other shoulder

“MARK IM SO SORRY RENJUN PUSHED ME”

“NO YOU STINK YOU FELL BY YOURSELF”

“oh hey guys shut up the photo turned out alright”

“JENO SHUT UP THEY’RE RIGHT THERE”

mark was sitting up and you fussed over his other shoulder which was attacked by jaemin’s butt

and although he was so .. unfortunately.. woken up from his nap he was grinning and squinting up at his squabbling friends

and he chuckled as he watched u stand up and wrestle jeno for his phone to see the Photo

he was watching you chase chenle and renjun around the lawn, the two boys purposefully running slower to tease u

donghyuck sat down next to mark and put his head on his shoulder to mimic you from a few minutes ago

“oh you’re disgusting please go away.”

hyuck turned his head and batted his eyelashes up at mark who was still watching u with a dreamy smile

“you’re leaving soon, we just wanted to spend time with you before u abandon us”

mark laughed and told him he’s only graduating

but hyuck scowled and nudged mark with his elbow then gestured in your direction

“but you spend more time with her nowadays than you do with us”

mark let out a loud laugh and shook his head

“she’s my girlfriend.”

“so?”

“she’s my lover.”

“so??”

“she’s... everything to me.”

jisung, who was listening, gagged and haechan slapped mark’s tummy while hollering

and then u look over at them from the other side of the lawn, wondering why mark was lying on the floor again and why the other dreamies were surrounding him in a cultish circle

jeno and jaemin turned to face you with big chummy smiles on their faces and together they made heart arms at u

some other people on the lawn were beginning to stare and so u hide behind chenle bc renjun is too tiny

then jisung must’ve texted their group chat because renjun cackles and leads you back to the group

and u notice how bright mark’s face was which makes u blush like crazy as well

and even though stress from school, work and everything in general, was making u feel like a big and heavy raincloud

one look at mark lee made u feel like sunflowers and daisies

it totally didn’t help that when he’d look at you, the corners of his eyes would crinkle ever so slightly, and his eyes would shine with genuine adoration

and his cute little lips would stretch into the widest grin

uwu

and u bet the next batch of lyrics he gonna write is gonna be about you again!!

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meepface · 7 years

Text

these questions seem very therapeutic and i have been havin a week so im gonna do em, please ignore me

1. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

say no to people!! post selfies and not feel ashamed of myself for doing so!! stand up for myself without immediately crying!!

2. What has been on your mind most lately?

well this week i’ve been in kind of a negative headspace so i have sorta thought about how much easier dying would be than dealing with any of my problems, but i have also thought about how much i don’t actually wanna kill myself also so i’ve been feelin sorta trapped between ‘mannnn if i would just fucking do it’ vs ‘but i don’t wanna my mom would be sad’, so that’s a real fun time!

3. Right now at this moment; What do you want right now?

i wanna feel myself again honestly. i’ve felt super weird n distant from who i used to be and who i wanna be and i feel like im just floatin. i feel super dissociative and i don’t feel genuine in how i behave anymore like idek myself. another super fun time!

4. In order of importance, How would you rank: Money, Happiness, Love, Health and Fame?

love (not strictly the romantic kind), happiness, health, money, fame

5. What would best describe the way you have spent your time in the last month?

feel like i’ve been wastin a lot of time bein super unhappy. buuuuut i spent a lot of time with people i love last month so that was good. kinda mixed, neutral feelings about it

6. What is the #1 motive in your life now?

to learn how to live for myself more

7. In one sentence, who are you?

i would say i am an extreeeeemely sensitive and compassionate person who’s always tryin to do the right thing and make a few people laugh when i can

8. What do you want to be known for?

being good and kind and gentle and positive

9. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most?

my family, my dogs, my girlfriend, my friends, my grandma, this local restaurant that has amazing pancakes, my university bc i really like it there, the general atmosphere of downtown Austin, my therapist, my bedroom. in no particular order

10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?

hopefully i’m taking care of myself well, am happy in my current situation and if i’m not i am actively working to do what i need to do to fix that, maybe i’ll have finally gotten another job and have moved out possibly. who knows. just hope im doin well

11. Who makes you feel good about yourself?

my friend Stein, my mom, my girlfriend, my therapist, a few of my internet friends

12. What are the top 3 qualities you look for in a friend?

someone who makes me laugh, someone who is a good listener, someone extremely supportive and non-judgmental

13. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?

joining a club and being more social in college, getting another job, moving out, making videos, volunteering at this abuse center i’d really love to volunteer at

14. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?

a golden retriever

15. What stands between you and something you want?

fear of change

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?

i find something to calm me down and distract me, like a game or something i can play so i stop thinking too much. also talking to someone helps but whenever i’m not in the mood to talk i try to do something to distract myself, or go to sleep if it’s a good time to

17. What do you need to spend more time doing?

being with friends and family, writing

18. When did you first realize that life was short?

i mean i had a few near-death experiences as a kid but none of em i was like “wow i could’ve died and that would’ve been the end” bc i didn’t really process them like that when i was that young. one of first times that i can remember feeling really deeply anxious about how short life really is is when i saw a bad car wreck just last year that had just happened and (TW ahead) i saw a person dead on the road with his head smashed. that was so scarring for me and now wrecks make me uncomfortable and i used to drive kinda recklessly as a dumb suicidal thing but now i would never ever drive the way i used to. another time i can think of is when a girl in my grade who i had actually been close friends with all throughout middle school up until freshman year died in a car wreck and our whole school was devastated

19. What issues do you continually refuse to confront?

honestly i want to confront and fix or work on all of my issues lmao so

20. What is something a lot of people do that you disagree with?

there’s a lot of homophobic and transphobic people in the small Texas town that i work in and a lot of em say super offensive things really casually and i hate it so much. also a lot of people enjoy jolly ranchers which i will never understand

21. What is a common misconception people have about you?

i’m shy, i’m straight, i’m lazy, i don’t work hard

22. What is something no one can take away from you?

no one could pull me away from my mom tbh that bitch knows everything and no one can tell me not to tell her what they tell me bc she’s gonna know in the next hour

23. What is something you would hate to go without for a day?

ummm chicken probably. it’s all i eat

24. When you look into the past what do you miss the most?

how cheerful and happy i was in 2015 and some of 2016!!!!!! the fuck happened!!!!

25. What memory from the past year makes you smile the most?

hmmm probably the times my gf and i spent hours making out n stuff in parking lots bc we finally got over our fear of havin our first kiss w each other and went all out

26. What is the number one change you need to make in your life within the next twelve months?

hmmm don’t wanna share it but i know in my head the answer to this

27. If not now, then when?

when i’m ready and when i know for sure that it’s what i want. because right now i don’t know what i want with my life but i just know that right now i am not happy. baby steps

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?

i gained soooooo much confidence after graduating high school. came out to everyone, told my mom i wanted to finally try to go to therapy which has been a blessing for me

29. What is something new you have recently learned about yourself?

i’ve learned where my dependency issue that i used to have super bad stemmed from. i’m kinda growin from that though. i still have residual anxieties that were caused by it but nothin i can’t work through

30. What do you want to remember forever?

hmm. probably that one quote that’s like “anything that costs your peace is too expensive”. either that orrrrr that one scene in the office where Jim gets drunk and crashes his bike into the bushes

31. What could society do without?

religion (yikes yikes yikes) (don’t hate me, just hear me out) - this doesn’t mean the spirituality of it but like..... the whole rules and order part of it. the ancient outdated books and everything being taken so literally in today’s world. everyone could have their own takes and believe in their own things and they can just be without feeling like they either have to go to church or celebrate a religious holiday or be a certain way bc ‘god’, whoever they may be, wants them to. idk i like to believe there’s a higher power that just represents love, in its purest form, and that’s it. that’s all you gotta know about them. there’s no rules to that, you just do with that what you will, learn from that what you can. does this make sense at all

32. What is the one thing right now, that you are totally sure of?

right now i am totally sure that i shouldn’t have started doing this survey bc i am exhausted and i have work in the morning but i’m definitely gonna finish it

33. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would you say?

be kinder and gentler, thank you

34. What is something that you said you would never do, but have since done?

this is uhhh super emo but i didn’t think i’d live this long and here the fuck i am

35. What is something you changed your mind about when you grew older?

my feelings about The Gays, since i grew up to be one and when i was little i was terrrrified of that idea. i didn’t care if other people were but when it came to me i was like noooo way jose. also? the concept of marriage? i’ve become super apathetic towards it. i don’t care if i end up married or not anymore, i will commit to someone for life regardless and i don’t need a ceremony and anything official to prove that. buuuuut that being said, if my future partner wants to be married, i’m 200% there and i’m already starting to think about our wedding color scheme. man. idk if i’d rather wear a suit or a dress at my wedding

36. What didn't last forever, but was still worth your while?

hmmm maybe my current therapy stuff?? i know one day i’m gonna stop going to therapy but man have i learned a lot and man have i grown. i truly think everyone needs to go to therapy at least once in their life, you learn things that are valuable in every aspect of life

37. If you could go back and time and tell the younger version of yourself something, what would you tell?

you’re not stupid, you’re allowed to make mistakes, maaaybe ask for the braces that aren’t clear bc those just made your teeth look massive and you hated yourself while they were on and you can’t look at pictures with them even years later. aaaand they made you super insecure about your mouth and smile even years down the line so, please dodge that bullet if ya can. also you’re super gay!

38. If you knew you were dying in the next 60 seconds, what would your last words be?

finally

39. When it is all said and done, would you have said more then you've done or vice versa?

hmm i’ve probably said a lot more than i’ve done, which i wanna change. if i’m understanding this question right

40. What question do you often ask yourself?

what do you want? what do you need? which of the two is more important?

#this was as expected.... very therapeutic #i recommend answerin these #helps u figure urself out #anywho #like if ya read #about me #long post

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comfortmarvelimagines · 5 years

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4, 5, 9, 11, 13, 16, 18, 23, 29, 49, 43, 50, 51, 53, 57, 58, 72, 93. sorry i know it’s a lot but i’m super indecisive

holy shit thank you !!! i kinda want a distraction rn so this is perfect

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

going off what they said to my mum at parent-teacher interviews, i was disobedient (i’d finish my work quickly, go back to reading my book, and then refuse to do any additional work), too loud (i had no idea how to regulate my voice volume), and had no social skills (this actually happened. what was supposed to be a 10 minute conference turned into half an hour of the teacher telling my parents how behind i was, and my dad yelled at me for it when he got home bc ‘how i act reflects on him’. i was 10 years old).

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

i don’t drink soda bc i don’t like the bubbles + sweetness, but when i drink water n occasionally juice i like glass cups. i reuse old candle jars as cups so they’re thick and i like when theyre cooler than plastic

9. favorite smell in the summer?

fruit !!!! i love mangoes and bananas and nectarines and passionfruit and when im cutting them up in the morning and i smell them OOFT i am a happey. my friend got me a fruit candle so i can smell it whenever i want now !

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

realistically, nothing. my routine this year is WHACK and its different on different days and apparently, according to my brain, if there’s no time for it on one day then there’s time for it on 0 days. throw in the fact that im still trying to recover from my ED and its a fun mess. that being said, this morning i made myself eat; i had banana, blueberries, strawberries, a blueberry bagel with peanut butter and some coffee (and maybe it was the only thing i ate today besides some veggies for dinner but it was before 10am hence breakfast)

13. lanyard or key ring?

lanyard. my keys are on a smashCon lanyard from last year, with a bunch of pins bc my pins kept falling off my bag

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

cross legged (except its more like a lotus pose, im way too hypermobile). idk if its a sensory/autism thing, but i absolutely cannot sit with my legs flat on the floor, and i dont really like chairs at all. i like my desk chair though bc its kind of like a bucket seat, and i chose it specifically bc its a perfect size for me to cross my legs comfortably and be able to work at my desk

18. ideal weather?

sunny, but not too sunny. slight warm breeze. not so bright that there’s glare. around 21-25 degrees celsius.

23. strange habits?

dude. i’m autistic w a bunch of other mental health and just a fucken weird personality. i got strange habits from the second i wake up to the second i go to bed

29. best way to bond with you?

accept me as i am. understand that there are some things i do differently, especially in regards to communicating. be patient and try to learn how i connect. i promise i’m trying to meet you on your level, but you gotta meet me on mine, or else you’re gonna get the facade i put up so people will tolerate me

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

HOODIE. i love having things on my head, so when im overwhelmed, hoodies are my substitute blanket. i’m also really picky when it comes to materials and i especially dont like anything too stiff, but i did recently buy a denim jacket that’s pretty soft so i’m trying to get used to that

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

i don’t really have one?

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

probably something dumb that my dog’s done. he does dumb shit all the time. for example: yesterday, he was licking things when he thought i wasn’t looking (he doesn’t understand the concept of peripheral vision its p funny). i told him not to lick my brother’s guitar, which is just hanging on the wall bc he doesn’t actually play it, and its covered in dust. leon licked the guitar, and then acted all indignant that he got a mouthful of dust and stood by his waterbowl until i turned on the tap, bc apparently bowl water isn’t good enough for my princess of a dog. this is super off track but basically, my dog is really silly and he makes me laugh and i love him a LOt

51. current stresses?

uni, the fact that i’m currently exhausted and burnout from my jobs and volunteering and study, the fact that im super isolated socially, i feel like im not good enough for my course and i dont deserve a place in it, and the fact that my mum wants me to go to the dentist but dentists are absolute hell for me and i just. cant deal w that right now

53. what is the current state of your hands?

really short nails, and callouses on my four left fingers from strings (the short nails are also bc i scratch myself). the fingers on my left hand are stronger than my right, and i have three crooked fingers from when i broke them in separate incidents in HS. i have indents from bite marks on my left hand. my hands are super cold, not just bc its winter but they always seem to run colder than everyone else. they’re also really dry, a combination of winter and the fact that the packaging that my work uses in stock boxes makes them dry ? its really weird + also bad stim

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

hhhhhhhi wouldn’t say i’ve fully ‘overcome’ all of these but 1. making it through high school and living to be an adult- i’d always assumed i’d be dead by 16. i spent most of high school suicidal and without appropriate help. 2. performance anxiety. this sounds dumb, but mastering this has allowed me to pursue the degree i always thought was a pipe dream, an impossibility. i’m in a place now where i’m doing what i want, something i care about, and i actually don’t regret waking up every morning because of it. 3. managing to navigate things like the crowded city, buses, work and classrooms every day. i’m a massively sensory avoidant person. post high school, i literally didn’t physically leave the house from a combination of depression but also not wanting to deal with overstim when it wasn’t strictly necessary. on one hand, i know im pushing myself a bit, esp when i get physically sick from being constantly overstim with no breaks during the week, but i’m also proud of myself for trying to manage these things now instead of doing everything in my power to avoid them

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

i’m good at looking after my dog, and loving my dog (and he loves me back so a talent worth having. i think im good with most dogs but ESPECIALLY my dog). i’m creative; i’m a musician, i’m a visual artist, i write, i’m constantly coming up with things. my brain is good at finding connections and memorising content just by understanding. i dont really think i have anything else

72. worst subject?

MATHS. my hs made me take it all the way to year 12 and i absolutely fucken failed it (im not kidding in year 10 my highest mark on a test was 38% and it really didn’t improve from there)

93. nicknames?

charles, and basically any way you can wrongly pronounce my name (e.g, chorlie)

#charlie answers #Anonymous

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dekumidoriyall · 5 years

Text

Anyways I'm gonna do a mind dump bc I'm not facing some things rn. Or at least not thinking about them bc I don't feel they needed to be talked about but there's no space for more misc dumb things to stress about and maybe if I just spill some thoughts, especially these dumb one then I can breathe.

Plus I'm in a good mood despite everything. Like this choosing joy thing is hard but also a good habit to start developing. But I digress.

The boy told me he reached out to an ex bc he found some of her important documents and while I honestly think it was the right call and that's good of him, I still got a little bothered by it just cause I'm a girl I think it's normal. Nothing really too bad. But it's also bc some chick keeps snapping him like buddy if you're gonna be talking to other girls at least don't put videos on your phone you want us both watching and the notification pops up . Like you have a TV we can use so I don't have to talk myself into not being slightly hurt or something. So idk, I know it's dumb to feel a little jealous or bothered bc he and I are just friends I guess. And also it's dumb to assume anything again bc they could just be a friend and honestly it's something that was bothering me a lot last week but this week idk it just bothers me a little and that's just mostly bc it's an illogical feeling for me to have so it's not so bad honestly. Just a little nudge in the back of my mind.

Anyway that leads me to a bigger stress and that's moving. The boy is moving within the last days of the year, I think, so that means I have to decide on things. And I'm leaning more towards my grandma's. Not bc I want to or necessarily prefer it or think it's the better option (bc I don't for all those statements) but just cause this whole thing with the boy is just confusing. And at least if I don't live with him then it makes accepting him talking to anyone he likes a little easier. Bc then it just goes back to us being friends who just hang out sometimes. Which I will be honest, I'll be kinda sad about but altogether fine.

If he were to verbally express to me that he actually wants me to move to his dad's with him then I would probably change my stance. I know he said that he'd like for me to go but that was only after he felt bad about suggesting that I try living with my dad first. So in my head it just sounded like a pity invite which I know he wouldn't do but that's just how it sounded. And I don't even know why he suggested my dad's in the first place. Like I get it was all a misunderstanding and miscommunication but even if it was my tias or Momo's, he'd want me there preferably right? Or am I drawing offbased conclusions? I don't want to add any stress to his life tbh. That's another factor.

I will be fine at my Momo's. Not that I've decided completely but idk I just think it's the safer bet, not necessarily the right choice. But then again I really can't tell which is the right choice bc in this instance i feel they're both acceptable options. Both better than my dad's. Of course if you asked me which would I choose if I wasn't so concerned about what my family or even aj or his dad would think about it, I'd choose his dad's. Less people more dogs. But it's safer bc you know, it's family I guess.

Anyway getting a job has been hella on my mind. I get so nervous about calling or checking application status and it's really holding me back. I just am kinda applying to a place once a week and hoping instead of actually putting in more effort. And it's not out of laziness or lack of discipline its literally bc I am being a little pussy. Like im just so scared of failure and rejection that it stops me from trying so YA GIRL NEEDS TO KNUCKLE up. The only way to fight this is to set a goal of how many places I apply to and call back each week and we can start off at a lower number. But that way I have to do it plus this also will give me more points towards that whole being more social intention. (again that's not like have more friends but more like being able to have small talk and go up to people to shed some of that social anxiety i have). We'll shoot for 5 places a week and 2 minimum that I have to call back but shoot for 3.

This isn't really a concern but since I'm mind dumping , the boy is looking hella manly lately. I don't know exactly how to describe it but he and I will be doing regular people stuff and I'll just look over at him and, you know, observe, and I'll just think damn he's a man.

And it's weird to italicise it like that but there no other way I can describe it. He's giving of dad vibes almost. Like idk he's more mature lately and handles things better and communicates well. I dunno. Its not a concern but it's just like how. Like beginning of the year and now are two different people. Kyle Jenner was wrong when she said that the theme was realizing things a couple years ago bc I would say this year was the realizing year.

Going into my best mind dump is the new year. I have a feeling it's gonna be a very busy but good and productive beginning. But I also think that since it'll start picking up (school, church stuff, blog, misc), there might be a little turbulence or adjustment period. So as long as I prepare and have that in mind I should be good. I'm gonna really need to up my adapting , I'm already p good at adapting to new things but it's been an exhausting last quarter. Good but exhausting.

The blog is stressing me out. Kel wants to be done by the end of the year and realistically I think shes rushing it. Bc we should already have some content before we start. I think by the beginning of February we will have enough time. I'm excited but also nervous. This will really help lead me into doing Messy Life. Which is surprisingly still something I want to create and do. And I was reading something somewhere about preparing for the promise. That even if I'm not in that position yet to use this time to practice and prep myself bc god won't call me into something he hasn't prepared me for and he also doesn't call the unqualified, he qualifies the called.

Also a mind dump that I'm hella thankful to the Big Man Upstairs™️ just for giving me peace through all this stuff. For allowing me to reflect on past mistakes. But more importantly bc last night you were talking to me and telling me that who i was doesn't matter and that we can choose who we want to be. If I don't want to be this depressed girl who amounts to nothing then I just have to keep making choices apart from my emotions. I am a sum of my choices but even when I make the wrong ones I can always redirect and find my way back to who I want to be. I dunno if I'm making sense. God just nudged me a little last night to remind me He'll make it good if I stay in faith and work hard and listen to his word.

Anyway. That concludes my mind dump for right now I think there's a few more things rattling in there but they're in like hidden folders. I cleared a lot of disk space from my head. The cache is cleared up mostly. I feel a lot better tbh.

#personal #mind dump

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