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blatherkatt · 6 years

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Title: The Calm Is Terrifying When The Storm Is All You Know [Homestuck]

Chapter 33: Declarations

Summary: There were two kinds of trolls who went to Earth: rich shitheads with too much money and free time, and desperate assholes who couldn’t survive on Alternia, even with the best efforts of the young Condesce. Karkat hated the planet almost immediately, but with his home planet too dangerous for mutants, he really didn’t have any choice but to hide out on this weird little diurnal planet. At least he’d be safe. Or so he thought, right before blundering his way into an accidental friendship with the son of an anti-troll terrorist.

Rating: M

Chapter Warnings: Implied/Mentioned abuse, mentions of terrorism, death mention, injury mention, depiction of an emotional breakdown, trauma aftermath; Illustrated; Pesterlog

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— carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tipsyGnostalgic [TG] —

CG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

— tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is an idle chum! —

CG: FUCK YOU, I CAN SEE THAT FOR MYSELF, YOU PIECE OF SHIT PROGRAM. I’M GONNA FUCKING YELL ANYWAY.

CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO PICK ME UP AT NOON. IT’S LIKE, 1:30 AND YOU STILL AREN’T HERE, WHAT GIVES?

CG: IF YOU GOT KIDNAPPED, TOO, I SWEAR TO FUCK I’M PERSONALLY PUTTING THIS ENTIRE GODDAMN FAMILY UNDER PERMANENT WATCH.

CG: I’M NOT ABOVE SITTING ON YOU ASSHOLES IF THATS WHAT IT TAKES.

TG: okay first off i know youre like a literal alien but heres a protip for ya:

TG: general human earth etiquette is to not text people who you know are probably driving?

TG: its like a whole thing

CG: WHY

TG: idk probs because texting while driving’s a great way to fucking crash lol

TG: anyway!!

TG: yeah im real sorry about that mom fucking rang me up like

TG: hi im at the airport come get me!

TG: out of fucking nowhere because everything has to be a fucking hassle with this woman

TG: so i had to go get her

CG: WHY THE FUCK WAS SHE AT THE AIRPORT?

TG: because fuck me is why

TG: and THEN shes like

TG: ooooh i gotta do some mysterious whatthefuckever errand at some mall out in the middle of nowhere

TG: so now im sitting in the parking lot waiting for her to get back which might be a while because her bad leg’s been acting up lately

TG: and thats why im not there yet >:(

CG: WAIT. WAIT, HOLD ON, I’M CONFUSED.

CG: BY “MOM” ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT RACHEL? I DIDN’T EVEN THINK SHE HAD A BAD LEG.

TG: nonono

TG: ray is like. dirk and dave and rose’s mom

TG: i dont call her mom i just call her aunt ray cuz shes not my mom yknow

TG: my mom is aunt ray’s sister

TG: aunt ramona? they talk about her?

CG: OOOOOOH. YEAH.

CG: THE WOMAN WHO WRITES THOSE SHITTY SUPERNATURAL ROMANCE BOOKS KANAYA LOVES.

TG: hahaha yeah her trashy shit is great

CG: SHE’S HERE?

TG: apparently!!!!!!!!

CG: I’M SENSING SOME BITTERNESS.

TG: ugh its fine she just always does shit like this

TG: womans always gotta make a fuckin entrance even if that means not telling anyone shes coming

TG: and its goddamn annoying as shit!!

TG: but its fine i get it shes here to help out and we are kinda all hands on deck

TG: speaking of tho i heard something about kanaya not coming along after all?

CG: NOT YET, NO.

CG: SHE’S BEEN TALKING TO ROSE, AND APPARENTLY DAVE’S BEEN PRETTY UNEASY WITH THE NUMBER OF NEW FACES AT THE HIVE.

CG: HOUSE. WHATEVER.

CG: TEREZI’S PROTECTION DETAIL HAS HIM KIND OF ON EDGE, I GUESS?

CG: SHE’S GONNA COME AROUND LATER PROBABLY. AND MIGHT END UP STAYING WITH PORRIM AND KEEP IT TO VISITS, AT LEAST UNTIL THINGS SETTLE DOWN A BIT.

CG: SO IT’S JUST ME FOR NOW.

TG: ooooh yeah geez i bet

TG: poor dave :( :( :(

TG: i gotta tell you and mom some uh. serious shit about him when i pick you both up

TG: id pass it on here but its probs better if i just tell you face to face?

CG: OH, WONDERFUL!

CG: MORE NO DOUBT HORRIFIC NEWS REGARDING DAVE.

CG: I CAN’T WAIT. THIS PANIC ATTACK’S GONNA BE ONE FOR THE RECORD BOOKS, I CAN JUST FEEL IT!!!

TG: :(

TG: tl;dr hes not in great shape but hes getting better but theres some stuff we gotta go over

TG: jfc mom what the fuck are you doing its been ages

CG: SO WAIT. SHE JUST HAD YOU DRIVE HER OUT SOMEWHERE AND WALKED OFF ALONE?

TG: yeah

TG: woman can take care of herself just fine so like im not worried??

TG: but still, like. cmon woman!!! whatever it is hurry up a little

TG: it cant be that important we got places to be

In terms of location, it was almost an outlet mall; somewhat detached from the nearest city and surrounded by forest. It was mostly all one building, positioned in a dip in the ground next to a clear stream, and these features had helped make it a serviceable fortress during the invasion, although Derek had regularly complained that he’d have preferred a site that held the high ground. Still, they’d made do; the roof was high enough that one could see for quite some distance, the stream offered fresh water, the trees provided decent enough cover during skirmishes, and the walls were thick enough to turn away most weather and weapons. It hadn’t been much, but it had served well enough as home for six years for around threescore ragtag survivors-turned-fighters.

Out in the surrounding forest, those who hadn’t survived that conflict still lay buried in pitiful graves marked only with a stone or a chunk of wood. There hadn’t been time to properly put anyone to rest; it had been risky enough for two or three people to slip out during a stretch of quiet with a shovel and a body. They simply hadn’t been able to afford to have any sort of formal burial, not with the threat of an attack constantly looming.

Even so, even so…

Derek had picked a spot he would remember.

In life, the oak tree would have been the kind people would have thought of as a monarch, with branches spread wide and gnarled wood ancient and strong, holding children in its branches as easily as if they were made of nothing; but the tree had already been dead by the time the invasion started, a great, ancient, dried-out husk. Even so, decades later, it still stood, its branches reaching toward the sky, the other trees forming a circle around it as though too respectful to come too close. Mushrooms and trails of greenery crept about a quarter of the way up the ancient trunk.

At its roots, a rotting wooden spar stuck up out of the ground. This, too, had been reclaimed by flowers, grasses and mushrooms, decorating the splintered and decayed timber with dark summer greens and pale white-and-lavender blooms.

Derek Strider, down on one knee with his sheathed sword held in his right hand, sighed. Of course, the trouble with having to bury the dead so hastily meant that there’d been no one to look over the graves, so it was to be expected that it be in such disrepair, but even so, seeing this one choked out by the invading flora was…

It wasn’t right.

Overhead, the ancient branches rustled slightly, and the raucous calling of a bird broke the silence. Derek narrowed his eyes and ignored it, tried to write the disrespectful noise out of the scene.

The crow seemed to have other ideas. The bird lighted down on the wooden grave marker, red eyes fixed on Derek’s face. It flapped its wings a few times, cawing incessantly. Derek scowled, unsheathed his sword, and struck —

The blade passed through the bird with no resistance whatsoever. The creature’s body split in two, bloodlessly, as though Derek had cut through smoke — it even looked like smoke, like a cloud cut in two by a passing jet. As Derek looked on, uncomprehending and with a growing sense of dread, the bird’s body seemed to pull itself back together, a video played in reverse, and the bird’s accusatory squawks started up again as though nothing had happened.

Derek was on his feet in an instance, stepping away from the beast, and as he did, he happened to look up…

Perched on nearly every branch of the old tree were ravens. Unlike the crow, they were all silent, and aside from the occasional shifting of a foot or tilting of a head, motionless. Scores of staring animal eyes bored into him.

Derek had never been a superstitious man, but nor was he the sort of fool to ignore the truth his own eyes showed him. He’d spent six years fighting alongside a witch, and seen enough to learn that some things really couldn’t be explained away as coincidence.

Had it been anyone else, he would have responded to the sound of footsteps approaching this site with a furious attack; even Ben knew better than to disturb him here. But when he whirled to face the intruder, he froze.

She’d aged more since he’d last seen her than he would have expected. Hints of silver streaked her hair, and she leaned heavily on her gnarled black cane. A faint breeze stirred the black fabric of her dress, playing with the light shawl laying across her shoulders. The crow had fallen silent.

“Put that thing away before you take someone’s eye out,” said Ramona, nodding nonchalantly at Derek’s sword.

Derek narrowed his eyes, and did not respond aloud, instead choosing to slowly and deliberately slide the sword back into its sheathe. Only after his left hand had returned to his side did Ramona nod and continue.

“That’s better,” she said. “Now we can talk things over like reasonable adults. Mind you, I ought to do the world a favor and wipe you out right now,” and Derek took a slow, deep breath at that, as she continued, “But I’d prefer not to desecrate your brother’s grave by staining it with your blood. I respect him far too much for that. You, however, have somehow managed to exceed all of my worst expectations to a nearly unfathomable degree, as of late. I’ve held off on this confrontation out of respect for the past, but I can see now that this was a mistake.”

Derek shifted. “Everything I’ve done has been to protect our damn planet, Ramona,” he started, but was cut off.

“Really?” she said, “Well, then. I’m not about to attempt to ask you to cease killing trolls, as we both know that would be pointless, but I would very much like to know how exactly burning your own son alive plays into your grand battle strategy?”

“He…he turned on us,” Derek said, through gritted teeth, “He forced my hand, left me no choice!”

“He is a child!” Ramona snapped. “And you, of all people, should know better! If you really must follow this path of self-destruction to its end, fine, but he should never have been involved!”

“I—”

“And in any case, you had a perfectly good sword on hand, I’m sure. If young Dave really did need to die, you could have executed him with minimal pain, but no, you wanted him to hurt, to know he was dying and to fear you and suffer as he passed. How do you justify that, Derek? How does anyone, especially a child, deserve anything of the sort?”

The eyes of the ravens and that damned crow still drilled into him. He could feel the stares on his back, but kept his eyes locked on Ramona’s, refusing to back down.

He wasn’t going to take back what he’d done. There’d be no guilt, he’d done nothing wrong except overreact a bit. It was justified. That…that boy wasn’t Dave. Ramona was using the name like a blade, but she’d not win that way. He didn’t deserve the fucking name, didn’t deserve to have anything to do with Dave, he never would have let Rachel name the kid that if he’d known he was going to grow up to be such a pathetic, useless little coward.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” he said.

“No, I suppose you don’t,” said Ramona, folding her hands over the top of her cane. “I’ve a fairly good idea, in any case.” She sighed. “The war is over, Derek. The time to put aside this violence and misery is long since behind us. Our children do not deserve to grow up as we did.”

“The trolls are still here,” Derek spat.

There was a long silence. Ramona sighed again.

“Fine, then,” she said, “So be it. Do as you will. Chase violence as long as you like. But if you come near my family again, I will consider it an act of war.”

She turned, and he was tempted to take the bait, to try attacking her while her back was turned, but he held still. It was infuriating, knowing what a pointed insult turning her back on him was, knowing that she knew he would not risk attacking her—but she was right. She was much too dangerous.

“Come along, little one,” she said, abruptly. The crow rose off the grave and flew to land on top of Ramona’s cane. If Derek had cared to pay any attention, he might have noticed the crow look back at him with something like regret in its eyes, but Derek was already far too lost in his own thoughts.

As one bird, the ravens took wing, dispersing in all directions, leaving him alone again.

The trouble with trying to go from Alternian to English was a multifaceted one, to be sure, but so far the most obnoxious piece of it that Karkat could see was the tendency of guides on how to speak English to simply use the closest Alternian equivalent as an English word’s translation. More and more, the two languages were notably extremely different, and while he could speak English well enough that he’d never had any serious problems, there were any number of words that he kept tripping over as a result of a translation being extremely unclear and culturally misleading.

Witches, for instance, were clearly something very different on Earth. The Alternian word that was translated to English as “witch” was, like most Alternian words, a series of noises in the ‘click and growl’ family that most humans lacked the anatomy to create, and generally refered to certain lowblood prophets and healers in Alternian folklore. They were those who lived away from society and who, through some lucky genetics and convenient psychic powers, were able to fend of drones and effectively disappear from the world at large’s knowledge. They kept to themselves, sought to harm no one who didn’t attack them first, offered shelter to the weak and the hunted, and as such were always portrayed as utterly despicable beings in fiction, as no writer with any sense of self-preservation had dared to portray such reckless treachery under the rule of the last Condesce. There might have been some changes to the lore under the new one’s rule, but things like that changed slow.

In any case, they certainly weren’t anything like the old woman in a shawl who was sitting next to Roxy in the front of her car.

She was dressed all in black, for one thing. Alternian witches didn’t tend to wear much black. Some Alternian witches didn’t tend to wear all that much clothing at all, really. Most seemed to belong to ancient religions that weren’t particularly fond of shirts.

Ramona was definitely magic as shit, though, Rachel’d been right about that much. Was that all a witch was on Earth, just someone with magic? Fuck, if that were the case, then probably like at least a third of all trolls were witches by Earth’s standards. Then again, maybe magic was another poorly translated word? English didn’t seem to have a word to separate “things that we (read: trolls) know exist, like psychic powers and psiionics and ghosts and chucklevoodoos,” and “things that are super fake and don’t actually happen ever and make no sense.”

Whatever. In any case, Ramona didn’t look at all like Karkat had expected, and when he climbed into the back of the car, she didn’t react to his presence with anything stronger than an amiable nod. She seemed to have her mind on other things, and was largely silent at first.

Roxy wasn’t; she immediately piped up happily as Karkat swung open the door with a “Hey, man! Sorry about taking so long! Can you, uh, do me a favor and check on Jaspers? He’s in the carrier behind Mom, Rose asked me to pick him up while she and Aunt Ray were gone. He’s been missing them a lot, all staring out the window and kneading his blanket and shit, and he’s not a huge fan of car rides.”

“He’s asleep,” Karkat said after glancing into the little crate.

“Awesome. Alright, buckle up and we’ll get this damn show on the road.”

“On the road again, just can’t wait to get on—”

Karkat tilted his head as the car’s radio abruptly changed from quietly playing some human pop song over to something much louder and completely different. Ramona stifled a snort as Roxy stabbed a button, switching the radio back to the previous channel.

“No, thank you,” she said, glaring. “Christ, the fuck is with this thing today, I swear to god.”

“I suppose it may simply be getting into the spirit of things,” said Ramona with a smile. As the car pulled away from the curb, she turned back a bit to face Karkat. “It’s Karkat, isn’t it? Rachel’s been sending me any number of emails with updates, and from the sound of things, you’ve been rather instrumental in bringing young Dave back into the fold, so to speak.”

“…Into the what?”

“It’s a figure of speech, meaning in this case that you’ve helped us return him home as well as helping him to adjust to being there,” she said. “For which you have all of our heartfelt thanks. Ours is perhaps not the most functional of families, but it is ours, and as I’m sure you’ve seen firsthand, ripping away a piece of it the way Derek did has had some very painful consequences for all involved. We owe you a great deal.”

“Yeah, man!” Roxy said. “And from what Rose has been telling me, you were kind of a big part of why he finally spilled what he knows. Which, he did bee-tee-dubs, which means he’s off house arrest finally, so that’s good—”

“—And a partridge in a pear tree,” the radio crackled.

“What the fuck? It’s August,” Roxy scowled. She turned the radio off altogether as Ramona glanced hurriedly out the window.

“Speaking of Dave,” Karkat said, hopefully before anyone got distracted again, “Roxy, you mentioned that there was something that you needed to say face to face?”

“Right, shoot, yeah,” said Roxy. The car turned onto the long road that led eventually to the Lalonde hive. “Okay, so, like. There’s definitely some shit you should know before we get there, but I wanna preface it all real clearly by saying that Dave’s okay, y’know? He’s got a lot of healing to do, but the doctors said that as long as he’s looked after and we change bandages and shit and he gets plenty of rest, he’s definitely not in any danger anymore. He’s…weak, but he’s not like gonna keel over at any moment, okay?”

“Not actually making me feel any better, Roxy!” said Karkat. Oh, boy, with a preface like that…

“Well, fuck, I tried, I guess. Uh. So, Dave did get hurt…pretty bad, and there were some other complications—oh, for fuck’s sake!!”

“Watch me, watch me, hey, watch me, watch me!” The radio was louder than ever. Ramona’s hand flew up, poorly hiding a grin.

Karkat leaned around Roxy’s seat to glare at her.

“What the fuck, Roxy,” said Karkat.

“I’m not doing this!” Roxy said, waving her hand wildly. “I swear to fuck, I wouldn’t! I really do need to pass on some shit about poor Dave, and the radio’s never done this before? It’s been acting up since a little before we picked you up, keeps changing on its own and shit, augh!”

She fought with the controls, but the song stopped only for a moment before getting even louder.

“Why the fuck do you humans even have this obnoxious song?! Who listens to this?? It’s literally just some squawking wiggler screeching for its lusus’s attention!”

“I mean, I kinda love it for that honestly, it’s terrible and stupid and wonderful, but like, come the fuck on??? What’s with this thing?! Now is not the time!”

“Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass—“

“GOD, that’s even worse!!” Roxy yelled, slamming her fist down on the dashboard. “Fucking stop!!”

“That’s enough for now,” Ramona said, almost murmuring it.

The radio turned off. Karkat and Roxy both turned a suspicious eye on Ramona, and with equal simultaneity, decided to drop it for now.

“Anyway,” Roxy said slowly, “What I was trying to say is, um…Karkat, do you know what it means for someone to ‘flatline?’ Because, um. Dave kinda did, for like, a minute and a half.”

Karkat shook his head, realized Roxy probably couldn’t see him with her eyes on the road, and said, “Uh, I have no idea what that word means, no.”

“Well, um…”

“It refers to a heart monitor indicating that the heart has ceased beating,” Ramona said. “The machine indicates activity with a line which shows peaks and valleys, and it goes flat when that activity has stopped, thus, ‘flatline’. The organ we call a heart serves an equivalent function to what trolls call a ‘blood pusher’ or a ‘pump biscuit.’”

Karkat felt for a moment like his own pump biscuit had stopped.

“Shit, Mom, when did you get so good at translating to trolls?” Roxy murmured.

Ramona shrugged. “I’ve made efforts to reach out,” she said. “The war ended, after all, and since we’re allies now, it doesn’t hurt to learn about each others’ cultures.”

“His fucking—What?!” Karkat screeched, unable to keep the harsh buzzing whine out of his voice. God, that was such a moirail noise, and any other time he’d have yelled at himself for not keeping it under control, but not now, not when… “His fucking blood pusher stopped and I’m supposed to be calm!?!”

“They got it moving again!” Roxy said. “He’s okay now, the doctors said it was going strong! It was, um, mostly just exhaustion, they think? Like, the burn wounds could’ve killed him on their own, sure, but they got on those quick enough that if he’d been healthy to begin with he probably wouldn’t have been so bad off? But between ten years of, you know…and just, apparently he hasn’t been eating enough even while he’s been back with us? And Ray’s gonna get on his ass about that, but, just—look, the thing is, Dirk doesn’t know about this yet, and Aunt Ray’s asked that we try to keep it that way, and I don’t really get why but I think she has her reasons?”

Karkat was definitely hyperventilating, oh fuck, oh fuck—Ramona’s hand reached back to touch his own, snapping him out of it.

“It’s fine to be worried,” she said, gentle. “I promise you, though, it is as Roxy says: he’ll be fine given time to recover and the safety with which to do so. He’ll be alive when we get there.” She sat back in her chair, turning towards the road again. “As for Dirk, I suspect Rachel is waiting for things to settle down before breaking it to him gently. He is, for better or worse, very like his father, and Derek handled his brother’s death poorly, in large part because at the time we could not afford to mourn. Rachel probably wants to make sure that Dirk does not feel he has to force himself to be strong when she tells him.”

“Makes sense, I guess,” Roxy muttered. “Anyway, the main thing about that is that he’s not got a lot of energy right now, so don’t…take it personally if he just falls asleep on you sometimes? Especially with the painkillers he’s on, apparently that’s a side effect, too. He can walk short distances, but he gets wobbly quick and needs help sometimes, so there’s that too.”

“Fuck,” said Karkat, softly.

The next ten minutes of the ride were carried out in tense silence. This was broken by the radio once again bursting back on and blasting the ass song again, at which point Roxy threatened to pull over and smash the fucking thing to smithereens.

By the time they actually got to the fucking house, Karkat felt like his soul was going to vibrate right out of his fucking body with impatience. They had yet another delay in the form of Terezi’s protection detail—Terezi herself wasn’t there, but some officers were, and they insisted on knowing about any weapons the three of them had as well as names, and went in to check with the family while making them all wait outside by the car. Karkat already had his fucking bag in hand, he was ready to go, but no, they had to go through this tedious procedure! Sure, it was probably a smart move, and when he was feeling a little more sensible he’d be more okay with it as it was the sort of thing that probably would make them all feel a bit safer (especially poor fucking Dave), but right now the were a pain in the ass and he was going to fucking explode!!! If they didn’t!!! Let him get in the fucking hive!!!!!

Rose stepped out as they were still talking to the police, and for the first time in his life Karkat was unspeakably happy to see her. She quickly confirmed to the police that all three of them were in fact expected and trusted by this household, and then gently let Jaspers out of his carrier. The cat immediately yowled and threw himself into her arms, kneading at her shoulders and rubbing his face against hers, and it all would have been super cute if Karkat didn’t have his mind on other fucking things.

“Come on in,” Rose said, nodding towards the door. “Dirk’s on the couch and Dave’s in Mom’s room, as neither of them can handle stairs right now and Dave needs his bandages changed at least twice a day. Karkat, do you—”

She was talking to air. He was already in the fucking door.

And then had to face the fact that he’d never actually been to Rachel’s room. Fuck. Rachel was coming up the hall, though, and a slightly bewildered young human (wait, fuck, that was Dirk, what happened to his hair? It looked so weird hanging down like that instead of spiked up) was sitting on the couch with an Earth husktop on his lap. Roxy pushed in the door with Ramona right behind her, dropped a heavy wheeled bag right next to the door, and immediately launched herself at Dirk, who gave a startled yelp as she did so.

Rachel rested a hand on Karkat’s shoulder as she passed him, rushing up toward Ramona throwing her arms around her shoulders. The two shared a long hug, and Rachel kissed Ramona’s cheek.

“God, I’m so glad you’re here,” Karkat heard Rachel murmur, before Rose tapped his shoulder.

“I was asking if you knew where Mom’s room is,” Rose said.

“Uh.”

“It’s down the hall to the observatory, but you take a left before you get to it. Make sure to make plenty of noise on the way over, Dave gets really jumpy when he’s the only person in that room. He can’t block the door since we need to be able to come in and out, and it’s got him a bit on edge.”

Karkat nodded, unable to get any words out past the lump in his throat. He more or less just dropped his bag on the ground and pushed past, zooming around toward the room indicated. Dave looked half-asleep when Karkat pushed the door open, and waved as he sat up with some effort.

God, the photo Rose had taken didn’t do justice to how fucking bad he looked. There were bruises across his face and neck turned a weird greenish-gray but still dark against his skin, and bandages everywhere, his hair was a mess (although that might have just been from sleeping). He was in some oversized shirt with an Earth hoofbeast on the front that was probably Dirk’s judging by the size, and Karkat had no idea why Dave had it on but right now he didn’t care.

“Hey, man, uh. Shit’s been crazy, huh?” Dave said with an awkward grin. He didn’t have his shades on either, which made sense if he’d been sleeping, except they weren’t on the bedside table (which did instead contain a nearly empty glass of water, several bottles of pills and salves, and a first aid kit from which clean cloth bandages overflowed).

Two weeks of emotion boiled over all at once. Wordless, Karkat stomped across the room and grabbed Dave’s stupid fucking shirt in both hands and tugged him close.

“It was three days, Dave,” Karkat hissed.

“Wha—?”

“Three days! And you got yourself fucking kidnapped by a terrorist on day goddamn two!! What the fuck, Dave?!” His voice was threatening to abandon him, but Karkat forced it right back into place by sheer willpower. This tangent would not be fucking stopped, hell no. “I take my eyes off of you for two days, and you get yourself into shit again! What the fuck!!! Do you have any idea how-how fucking agonizing it’s been waiting for news?! And you’re just sitting there like ‘Oh, hey! What’s up?’ What’s up is my foot up your waste chute, you hopeless fucking—!” Okay, nope, his voice was leaving after all, actually. He felt tears roll down his face, and he should’ve been more worried about that, but Dave already knew about his blood color and he was the only troll in the house right now, so, fuck it, fuck it all! Helpless, he tugged Dave closer again, letting his face press against that stupid shirt, claws still twisted into the fabric as he sobbed.

“Holy shit,” Dave muttered.

“I was so fucking scared,” Karkat gasped. This was pathetic, they weren’t remotely a couple, Karkat had no right to be this worked up and he knew it, but…Dave wasn’t exactly pushing him away, either, was he?

“I’m sorry, man, I didn’t even…It wasn’t planned this time, it just sorta happened, and Dirk got hurt, and I…”

“I’m not actually angry at you, despite having so much right to be that legislacerators everywhere have preemptively declared me innocent. I’m just fucking screaming for the sake of it, dumbass.”

“Oh.”

The awkward pause that followed was filled with only the sound of Karkat’s weeping, which, fuck, he was probably too fucking embarrassed to tell him off. Except…Dave’s hand lifted up to rest gently against Karkat’s back, so, maybe he didn’t mind that much? Was that wishful thinking?

“Sorry for this,” he said, just in case, as he pulled away a bit. “It’s really fucking embarrassing, I know, I just…”

“It’s cool, man,” said Dave. Then, with a wink, he said, “I know you got your massive Strider homocrush, it’s only natural—”

“Dave, I swear to fuck, injured or not, I will pummel you into dust with a fucking pillow, don’t test me!” Karkat snapped.

Dave snorted. “Hey, man, it’s fine, everyone’s allowed to be a lil gay sometimes with their friends, it’s only natural.”

“I’ll ‘natural’ you!! Motherfucker, I spent the two weeks worrying about your wellbeing and you come at me with more of this bullshit!!”

Dave cackled with laughter. Karkat rolled his eyes and sniffled. He feigned annoyance as best he could, but, God, it was such a relief to hear Dave laugh. Rubbing a sweater sleeve furiously across his eyes, Karkat pulled back, sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed. “Okay, but seriously, what’s with the shirt?” he asked, gesturing at the floating head of the hoofbeast. It wasn’t even a joke or a drawing. It was just…a straight photo of a hoofbeast’s face, with no text or explanation of any sort. What the fuck??

Dave glanced down, and snickered. “Oh, shit. Uh, yeah, we needed something that’s easy to get me in and out of, since the bandages on this fuckin’ burn need to be changed like, a lot, not to mention the gross-ass cream they have us slathering all over it on the regular. We tried a button down, but the buttons were kinda chafing, and like…who the fuck wants to ruin a fancy shirt with gross burn juices, right? And Dirk’s shit is more comfortable, and this one’s big enough that it’s real easy to take off even if I’m high on the damn painkillers.”

Karkat winced slightly, but decided not to comment. The scream from the video echoed somewhere in his think pan. “Where’re your shades?”

“Bro fuckin’ stepped on them or something, man, I dunno. They fell off at some point, and they were already cracked before all that, and Terezi just found pieces. Which fucking sucks, I mean God dammit, those were a gift from John. Shit sucks.”

“John?” Karkat tipped his head.

“Yeah, he’s like, an old friend of mine. Have I not mentioned him to you? Whatever, he, uh.” Dave scratched at the side of his head. “He was an online friend from before Bro started doing the, uh, raid shit, and I kept talking to him and another friend, Jade, for a while afterwards even though I wasn’t supposed to?”

“Jade’s name I remember,” Karkat said.

“Haha, yeah, yeah cuz I told you about…anyway.” He cleared his throat. “I guess since Dirk’s college is starting up again soon, not that he’s going for the first couple weeks with his leg and a fucking concussion, but, it’s starting up, and John’s sister goes there too, and he’s gonna come with so we’ll be able to hang out for a bit? Which is fuckin’ rad, I haven’t even talked to the guy in three years and we’re finally meeting in person.”

“You want him to be here? While you’re this badly injured?” Karkat yelped.

Dave blinked at him like he’d just grown a secondary head.

“I mean, yeah?” Dave said. “Like, yeah, I’m not in great shape and I guess it’ll be a lil weird for him to see me like this, but I’ve missed him.” Before Karkat could press the question further, though, Dave yawned. “Ugh, fuck, I wanna keep talking, but I’m…halfway to falling asleep, shit.”

“Oh,” said Karkat. He got up, ready to leave. He wanted to stay, wanted to curl himself around Dave’s obnoxiously lanky frame as best he could and protect this fragile idiot human from the entire universe, but…it wasn’t his place, was it? No.

“You leaving?” said Dave, rubbing at his unbruised eye.

“You said you wanna sleep,” Karkat said.

“Right. Uh. Could you, like…fill this back up for me, then, I guess?” Dave said.

“…Sure,” said Karkat.

He was…still confused, but Dave was tired, so he didn’t press. But he couldn’t wrap his head around wanting a friend around while he was so injured—well, he’d wanted Karkat around, hadn’t he? He’d seemed happy to see him, aside from the, uh, yelling. Still, it didn’t make sense! Every troll knew as a small child that the only people you could trust when you were injured were your lusus, your moirail, and maybe your matesprit! Anyone else might take advantage of the weakness and kill you, that was just basic logic! But Dave didn’t even seem to be thinking about it.

And…and yet, come to think of it, Roxy’d been awfully forthright about how bad Dave’s condition was. Hell, she’d heard it from Rose, who seemed like the one most likely to know not to spread that weakness, but the humans were all sharing it and passing it around. It wasn’t just that they didn’t seem to care who knew that Dave and Dirk were injured, it was like they wanted people to know.

And as he filled up the glass of water in the kitchen, he watched as Roxy and Dirk talked on the couch, as Dirk told her that he’d passed on the news of their condition to Jane already, that Rose had told her and Dave’s friends, and it just kept going. Everyone had to be up to date on the fact that both brothers were injured and vulnerable, and yet…

“I hope the flight wasn’t too long,” Rachel was saying to Ramona.

“Nothing would be too long right now,” she said in turn, blowing gently on a cup of tea that Rachel had just poured her. “Times like these, we all need to do our part. I know I might not be able to do much, mind you. My leg’s been acting up something fierce, as of late, but I’ll do whatever I can.”

Something clicked. All at once, the curtains pulled back and Karkat saw the whole picture—saw maybe not what it always was, and certainly not what the Lalondes achieved on any sort of regular basis, but what it was supposed to be, how it was meant to work.

On Alternia, everyone lived in constant competition. Trolls had to be strong as close to all the time as they possibly could, or at the very least find a moirail who could, because otherwise their society wouldn’t particularly care much if they died. That just meant they didn’t deserve to be a part of the gene pool or to contribute to society. If they were injured badly and left vulnerable, it was seen as normal for others to take advantage of that weakness and exert power or outright kill a rival. It was how they survived so long, or so the cultural narrative had so long stated: by this competition, the strongest survive. Nevermind that this survival was built on the corpses of uncountable trolls who didn’t make the cut, it Worked.

As a result, trolls had been bewildered just as Karkat had by how humans as a species managed to be so frail and yet so reckless and to still survive, especially when they didn’t exactly have the kind of numbers that trolls did. Humans lacked the numbers to be expendable, lacked the strength and toughness that kept Trolls alive, and yet they looked Death in the eye and pointed and laughed, and pushed themselves to extremes for no purpose other than to have some warped idea of fun. It was a question that had lingered around his consciousness for ages; how the fuck do humans even work as a species? How had such a seemingly doomed race not died off yet?

The answer that hit him now, as he watched Roxy help Dirk stand up and balance himself on a pair of crutches, was that humans didn’t have to be strong all the time, and that was the magic of their little social units, their families—they took care of each other. No one person had to be good at everything, or so good at one thing that it could keep them safe in any situation. It didn’t matter that their skin was thin or that they weren’t particularly strong or fast, they always, always had others around who would pick up the slack, others who would come even across oceans to offer what aid they could in times of strife; they weaved together all their strengths and weaknesses into a fabric able to withstand just about anything. Fuck, no wonder they’d wanted Dave back so badly. The Lalondes may have been less a tapestry and more a patchwork quilt, but it was still their quilt, and Dave was a part of it….

He felt a near-agonizing pang of envy that he didn’t have a quilt of his own. Humans might have been stupid about a lot of things, but this…this they’d gotten right.

“Fucking water? Is that really the best you could think of? Fucking dumbass,” Dave muttered to himself. God. This was stupid. This was all really fucking stupid. He couldn’t even deal with being alone while he was asleep, for Chrissakes! Too scared of nightmares of a big mean dog, like some fuckin’ little kid.

Yeah, he was tired, but he really, really didn’t wanna be alone right now, was the thing. Not with that fucking troll-drug-induced nightmare lingering around the edges, waiting to chase him down again at its first chance. But. Like. Karkat was kind of right? Bros don’t watch each other sleep, that’s fuckin’ creepy. Like. Okay, so maybe they’d done a bit of that way back when Karkat had been kidnapped, but they didn’t have a choice back then, and anyways they mostly slept at the same time during that experience, which was super different from just asking his best alien friend to fuckin’ hold his hand so the bad dreams wouldn’t get him. Fuck.

So he’d asked Karkat to refill his glass, even though he wasn’t thirsty right now, because it was an excuse to make Karkat come back, at least for a few more minutes, and they could talk for a bit, and maybe Dave’d stop being tired, wouldn’t that be rad.

Karkat came back in looking really thoughtful. He handed the glass over, and Dave took a sip to try and look like he hadn’t been 100% bullshitting there, and mumbled a thanks as he set it down. Then, just as a thought, he jerked his head toward the rest of the bed—it was a big king-sized one, probably left over from before the divorce and Mom had just never downsized or whatever, so there was a lot of space to Dave’s right—and told Karkat he could sit down if he wanted, Dave wasn’t gonna, like, pass out right this minute or anything, haha.

Karkat stayed quiet, which was fuckin’ weird, but he did sit down. He stared at the sheets for a minute, and then spoke up suddenly, saying, “I think I get it.”

“Get what?” said Dave.

“Why they wanted you back so bad,” said Karkat. “I mean, way back when you were first arrested. I kind of fought with Dirk over it at one point, because my only experience with the word Dirk used for why you should be with him was fucking Strider. And also I think I get why this shit all works, for humans in general. I mean, I’m probably just saying obvious shit, but it’s not how trolls work, we don’t take care of each other, not like this.”

Dave tipped his head.

“I mean with the whole fucking family thing,” Karkat said, rolling his eyes. “I’ve been trying to get it this whole time, but this shit’s used to justify so much bullshit with you humans, and I think I get it now, and why it’s so fucking important to you as a species.”

Dave snorted. “Dude, it’s not that big a thing—”

“It is, though! It just seems normal to humans because it’s how you always work, but, Dave, I’m serious, back on Alternia it’s every troll for themself. Maybe you have one person who has your back if you’ve got a moirail, maybe some are lucky like me and have friends who are actually consistently on your side and won’t take the first chance they get to kill you or fuck you up some other way, but we definitely don’t have a whole cluster of others we can just fall back on any time we’re met with something we can’t handle alone.”

“Makes sense, I guess,” Dave started, but Karkat just kept going. Apparently he’d had some sort of fuckin’ epiphany in the past two minutes.

“It took me so fucking long to get this, but I get it now! You know what I don’t get, though, is why the fuck you ever tried to convince me that Strider is part of your fucking family.”

Something in Dave dropped like a stone.

He’d…had a similar thought, really. Repeatedly. Multiple times, over the past week or so. He’d been kind of trying to avoid it, because every time it popped up, he got really stressed out.

“And don’t give me any of the bullshit about being ‘related’ or what the fuck ever, I don’t wanna hear it,” Karkat kept right on going. “I still don’t get why you humans care so much about that. The whole point of this family thing is that you all take care of each other, not that you’re related or whatever! Your aunt’s here, did you know that? She flew across an entire fucking ocean just to make sure she could help out you and Dirk! What the fuck did Strider ever do for you?”

It was a good question. And the answer, of course, was: aside from trying to kill him, do you mean? Hahaha.

Karkat was still talking, but Dave wasn’t really hearing him. Fuck, this had been a mistake, he should’ve taken his chances with the fucking nightmare dog. That was better than this old song and dance with his own thoughts.

The facts were pretty simple. He’d operated under pretty clear logic when he went up against Bro: We’re family, so he loves me, so therefore if I ask him to let me leave and explain that I really can’t deal with this, he’ll let me go. Except, Bro had tried to kill him, which meant that…

That was as far as Dave ever got. He couldn’t think any farther than that.

He felt like…like the next thought should be obvious, but he couldn’t make himself think it. It was too big—not so much a square peg in a round hole as it was trying to cram a grain silo into a pinhole, and the thought threatened to overwhelm and destroy him, so instead of thinking it, his brain kept rejecting it, the effect being like a broken record skip-skip-skipping, over and over, repeating the last thought he could get to before the Big One, because he couldn’t not think the Big One, either…

It was so fucking stupid, it was just a thought, why couldn’t he…

“Hah, yeah, now that you mention it, I guess I was always kinda wrong about this shit, wasn’t I?” Dave said, unable to stop the sardonic laughter bubbling up in his throat. “I mean, fuck, no wonder it took you so long to get, I probably gave you the wrong idea. My dumb ass was convinced he’d never try to kill me, cuz we’re family, and, well, here we fuckin’ are!”

Skip, skip, skip—

Karkat was still talking in stuttered phrases in the gaps of Dave’s own flood of words, looking almost scared, but Dave didn’t comprehned any of them, and anyway, the ranting had started, there was no stopping this shit now. “Like, what the fuck was I even thinking, right? I really thought that was gonna work, that somehow he’d just let me go if I asked, like a fucking idiot! Haha, what a fuckin’ dipshit, right?! And here I was thinking he—” Frantic laughter bubbled up, overtaking the words, not that more would’ve come, that next thought was just too big. Was he crying? Fuck, Karkat didn’t need to see any of this shit, but he couldn’t stop, couldn’t think

Skip, skip, skip, skip, skipskipskipskipskipskip—

It wasn’t Karkat’s fault. It really wasn’t. He might’ve set it off, but the storm had been building up for days, now, and it broke hard, sweeping Dave up in a torrent of just wordless mental screaming. He couldn’t think the next thought. He couldn’t. But the thing was damming him up, and he couldn’t ignore it anymore, and he was stuck in the middle and left to just completely melt down and dissipate into the flood.

A sound like a cicada crossed with the creakiest horror movie door ever to creak ripped through the tides, and suddenly Dave found himself tugged into a full body hug, wrapped up in four limbs with his face pressed into a thick sweater. The touch dragged him out of the flood and onto dry land, brought him back into now before he even knew what was happening. Karkat’s whole chest was vibrating with some intense cricket-cat hybrid purr, and this should’ve been so embarrassing but he was so tired and so lost and it was fucking comforting, so who the fuck cared. Who cared anymore. It was all bullshit. He could be embarrassed later.

Too soon, Karkat seemed to have the same thought, and tried to pull away. “Shit, sorry, I shouldn’t—fuck, I’m so sorry, this is really presumptive and I know you aren’t even into boys,” he babbled.

Dave groaned, wrapping his arms around Karkat’s chest and pulling him close. “Dude, if you try to make this about alien romance right now, I swear to fuck,” he gasped out between harsh sobs. Christ, he was going harder than Karkat did like twenty minutes earlier, what the fuck.

Karkat paused. Good. It meant his warm arms were still there. “Dave, I…I mean, this is troll romance, this is textbook moiraillegience, and I shouldn’t just be throwing myself at you because you had a moment of weakness, no matter how bad I, uh.”

Dave sniffled, wracked his brain for a moment…Karkat had explained this stuff about a million times, which one was…”That’s like…the bros quadrant, right?”

“The what.”

“The one that’s, like, platonic and shit.”

“…Yeah?” The cricket-purr started up again, cautiously.

“We fuckin’ kinda do most of that shit already, don’t we?” Like. Yeah. He wasn’t gay. That was still a thing. But Karkat was warm and solid and real and Dave was fucking exhausted and didn’t want to be alone, especially not when he felt right now like he was wrapped in safety. “Please, Karkat,” he added, because why not beg. He was already at maximum pathetic, there was no digging this hole lower, fuck it. “I really don’t wanna be alone right now, just, please don’t go.”

Karkat was quiet for a long moment, but finally, the cricket-purr went back to full volume and Karkat’s arms tightened around him.

“Okay,” Karkat said quietly. Dave let out a breath he’d barely known he’d been holding and went back to crying.

“We’re going to have to talk about this later,” Karkat murmured, which put him at about normal volume for anyone else.

“Later, then,” said Dave, and let himself finally fall the fuck asleep.

#dave strider #karkat vantas #davekat #roxy lalonde #longpost//#u BET UR BUTT THIS OENS GOIN IN THE DAVEKAT TAG #ITS ABOUT TIME #fanfic #fanfiction #calmvsstormfic #calmvsstormchapter #katt does a writing #jkdfsgfjhsfjshf not the best start to a relationship but like its something #lord this got long.#why tf did i think 32 and 33 would ever fit into one chapter.

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deuce-duce · 4 years

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Hmmm where should I begin I think ill start with explaining a little bit about why I initially started writing this thing. Primarily because I was tired of being silenced while essentially people destroy my identity and character. But not in my local town or where I work... but the entire nation. Thats fucked up! No matter how you want to look at it. Its crazy that in todays society its OK to spew hate lies and deceit and everybody goes with flow... but the moment you start saying listen Idk what you have been told or what the latest gossip is but I can assure you its probably not what you think it is. As soon as that happens the whole world loses their minds...

The other reason I started writing is because although I don't necessarily want to put myself on a pedestal I think I might be a pretty rare individual. Over the course of the last four years with the show in full effect and the constant psychological and sexual abuse im put through is in full swing I haven't suffered from a TBI making it possible for me to figure this whole thing out without having my conscience memories taken from me to. That being said this is journey for me as well learning about myself and what this has done to me... whether you believe me or not that really is unimportant to me I just think that this story documented. Along with societal constructs and the amount of fuckery we actually involve ourselves in, without ever doing any research! And blaming the individual for telling the truth asking you to stop helping because your just making things worse. I'll explain further down what I mean.

Now I don't think im all that brilliant really i mean I think I am but in reality what you think of yourself is important but really doesn't mean shit if your told how dumb you are everyday or treated like shit because there's things you just can't do. Not that your incapable of doing them or don't know how to do them but because you literally suffer from multiple mental health conditions the primary condition being a dissociative identity. That being said, there is no medication no cure or any type of hope to ever not have to be worried about dissociating. The fucked up part about it is... is that my dissociative state isn't like normal dissociative states. Most dissociations can happen at anytime during the day or anytime the environmental triggers come into play and so its easier to diagnose and get the help one needs. Mine unfortunately from the hypnosis event that I explained to you is literally during the most vulnerable moments in anyone's life the one place your supposed to feel safe or at least do everything you can to keep yourself safe. But in no way am I able to do that... mine is triggered while I'm sleeping and its not just any trigger but is a trigger that another human being has to consciously do in a certain way to get me to dissociate.

I know for a fact that I don't dissociate on my own or sleep walk or anything like that because I lived with brittany for 4 years and would constantly ask her if I did anything out of the ordinary while I was sleeping. She would yell at me and tell me no &^%$# you barely move in your sleep! And so I would believe her because im sure she was telling the truth... later she would use this as a reason to start her plotting saying I didn't trust her and I would blame her for things like not keeping me safe... and i don't know what else but I'm sure it wasnt good. You don't create this type of carnage in someone's life because you have good memories with that person... or maybe she just didn't realize what exactly it was I was running from to begin with...

What I've just explained to you is to help you understand how fucked up I really am... even after being with someone for at least a couple years nothing going on... I still found myself doubting and worrying about not being safe. And thinking that I had been betrayed yet again. Even though nothing had happened... its fucking crazy... crazy sad. I guess at this point I really had no idea how it all worked.. so you can understand my speculation. But now that I know it makes things different at this point though I don't trust a soul probably never will again.

Another good example of this was I was jn a state where I was still well known...! But didn't have to deal with the sexual and physical abuse just the nental... and ill tell you it literally took me a month to successfully hit on a woman and get her number and read signs properly her friend was telling us we needed to get married and that we were perfect for eachother... I thought so too! We got along really well and damn she was sexy! Whew!! Unfortunately I was running out of money I was staying at an air bnb and needed a job... out of all the places I applied to the only place u heard back from was the place I never wanted to return to... I just thought that maybe things would be different this time... unfortunately they werent... did my best to meet a woman and start dating but she knew who I was and the people who fucked with me and so she started playing games... instead of supporting me and doing with me what I needed to keep myself safe she started saying well were not having sex evertime we hang out setting expectations of us forming a relationship... and not just something casual. The only way I'm ever going to be in a relationship again is by that person who won't play silly games like I mentioned earlier... the last time we hung out she was dressed in a tight leather outfit makeup done and kept turning me down and saying I couldn't touch her after we had already had sex on our first date... but she wanted me for herself and was playing games although she was turning me down... she was like im just going to go to the bar after I drop you off and find something to do... im assuming somebody was more of the case... after that I didn't talk to her again.

So I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with addiction and what happens to a person psychologically during the event of getting intoxicated... I'll elaborate a little bit. It is documented that when an addict is getting high that their adrenaline and endorphins are higher while seeking out and preparing the drugs then when they actually get high. i think this is because of the chasing the first time paradigm. where one continues to get high because they are chasing the feeling they got when they did it for the first time... which never happens so they continue doing more and more until they either die or throw their lives away. this led me to think hmm if that's how the brain works I think it might be the same way for those experiencing pts. stemming from a lifetime of trauma. so if you believe....!!! what i have said already which i doubt but its really of no concern to me but just know i tried to tell you and explain knowing i did all i could is all i can do... back to what i was saying... if the brain works this way when it comes to addiction then id have to tell you that it is the same when it comes to pts.. So listen to this, the other side thinking to themselves.. although they probably wont admit it to the general public but this is their logic, ok...? well we know what we have done to him... and... yea... it is pretty messed up... but if he would just try... then it might be different and we would stop... haha well that's like saying the addict chasing their first time is actually going to achieve it even though its impossible because of all the damage they have already done to their minds and bodies... the only way one can get as close as possible to achieving that first high again is to abstain for a long enough time to establish and restore the chemicals that have been depleted over the course of the addicts drug use history. just like you cant expect me to do something that has caused me severe consequences, even though what I did was right... and acceptable and essentially the keys i need to free myself from the cage that i find myself in... today. that wasn't the case then. and with everything else being the same as then all i can do is associate the two and not screw myself over again and face the possibility of getting my head kicked in. as delusional as that might be its the truth. and with everything being the same as it was then I'm supposed believe that the things that's supposed to set me free isn't a trap haha good luck but if you want to know my criteria it would be doing the right thing!! lets see if you can figure it out!! oh and this doesn't only go for the woman ill be with but also for anyone trying to help me in any way shape or form.... sorry but its the only way i can be certain your not part of the machine!

not only that but people keep on keeping on with inflicting the psychological trauma on me getting me written up at work for harmless comments but as an employee at this business I can not give anyone a compliment while in uniform so please refrain from hoping ill make an effort at my job. I got in trouble for telling a girl she was gorgeous I didn't know she was only 16 but its not like i was asking her to fuck or coming at her in any type of sexual manner but she is friends with the woman causing all of this... saying I need to stop running my mouth. she even went as far as to say to me man that customer has a nice ass and me saying it doesn't compare to your yours and her saying my ass is flawless... then telling on me saying I kept telling her she had an ass of a goddess.. GTFO HAHA my boss started laughing like so you didn't say that... fuck no! I said what I told you I said. she's like alright oh and then apparently you cant tell another employee that they have pretty eyes either just a heads up! but its cool I'm over it I just cant believe I bring out the evil in so many people like man WHO AM I?? WHAT AM I NOT BEING TOLD?!?! I could care less honestly but I'm glad you go to such lengths to try and make my life miserable... i could only imagine what it must be like to actually be miserable... UGH... that would...suck.... i think a lot of this stems from my supervisor giving me three flat tires in one night and then acting like oh... did i give you a flat tire...??? then telling me your not that smart.... never said i was bro but instead turned it around on him telling him dude... don't downplay yourself... your smart!! over and over again. i told one of the other supervisors that i didnt think the guy that had been training me liked me and these were the reasons why but she is also a distraction. and told him exactly what i had said.

just so you guys know anytime that there is someone who likes me and i actually have a chance with. they have someone that is hotter then me maybe smarter or appeals more to the persons wants and desires through manipulation simply to keep them occupied while im in the area and then after i leave and then the person that would have been perfect for me gets dumped and is left all alone again... kind of like whe. Brian started dating brittany after we broke up...

another thing i should put into perspective is that what's wrong with me is a byproduct of child molestation and abuse that being said its ok to prey on something that was created to protect myself because now I'm an adult and i hold the keys... too bad my hands are missing!! since i was 6 when i started dissociating that means every time I'm in that state i go back to being a 6 year old boy... making those who take advantage of my split essentially child molesters... no matter how old i am!!

So how do you diffentiate the good from the bad...?? The bad people are the ones proclaiming and contantly trying to make others believe im gay. I mean i could really care less and tell you myself I'm gay but primarily because of the reasons I mentioned above. The funny thing is the bad people will be the first to be like we should help him... just so that they can be like see he's gay!! Wtf cares... the fact that they go out of their way to prove something that people have all ready seen with their eyes... is a little bit over kill don't you think?? J.s. be vigilant!

The funny thing about all of this is that the same process ensues from community to community and so for you to be led like sheep and ignore the guy going through it all is sorry for saying fucking Stupid!! But hey its cool

The other thing I can't understand is how you can walk by drive by and go out of your way to tell me how dumb or stupid or gay I am but not one person can be like yo whats up im such and such did you write this or that...? Really! But I'm supposed to do what none of you do!? Really cool keep going with that ill be thee idiot! The gay idiot! Thanks for reminding me though!! Maybe one day you'll be as gay as me!!

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queermequeeryou · 5 years

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Chapter 3

Nevada has not seen Christina for three days and like always, she did not give her any sign that she is even alive. Also as usual, Nevada refused to seek contact. Maybe she felt a little bit ashamed of her emotional message to Christina because they were never that open with feelings before. When a week passed, Frankie was having doubts if she will ever see the woman of her life again. She was trying to focus on her doctorate but it was barely possible to even attend already postponed meetings with tutors. When she went for the meeting with professor Dellayune, she decided that she has to speak with somebody. “I know that you prefer to stay on a professional side but I don’t know with whom should I talk about it” she started in a worried tone and Ellen immediately realised that Frances really needs her. “What’s going on?” she interlocked her own hands and looked towards Frankie. “It’s about Christina. That brunette woman that...” “I know which one, I remember her” Ellen stopped her because she was feeling indifferent to hear about it again at the university. “I love her. I could do anything for her and I mean, for years we’re like lovers with a strange bond that none of us can explain. Neither her husband who knows about it all but pretends like everything is okay, he even tries to be nice for me but sometimes he tries to show me his advantage... Okay, doesn't matter. The point is that she disappeared for a week now and she used to do this, right. She was nowhere to be found for few days but not that long and also. Well.. I sent her a message. I told that I need to talk with her. We were never like this. Emotions is our border topic. A no topic. I think I could scare her away and I can’t stand the thought of not seeing her again.” Ellen sighed. “Have you called her or messaged?” her tone was very serious and caring but it was not all that. There was something else. “No. We have this unwritten rule that none of us is pressuring. When we want each other, we go to each other”. “But you want her now and you can’t go to her. How come? I mean, have you gone to her house or something?” Ellen could not take her eyes off Frankie. Nevada felt something strong and sharp in her heart that gave her some bitter taste somewhere around that area. “No and I don’t wanna. You see, Ellen, I am afraid that she is maybe with her husband now at home” she looked down on the floor trying to avoid Ellen’s look. “My god, but you would now something. Wouldn’t you like to know if that’s even worth waiting?” asked Ellen emotionally but not impatiently nor irritated. “I don’t know. Maybe, I’m just avoiding the truth and I should move on. She’s hurting me. I can't be in this fucking throuple or threesome or whatever with her and her husband forever. I need to be appreciated and loved and exclusive.” Frankie almost cried, she was shaken. Ellen took her hair back and stroked her cheek. “You are a wonderful woman and you deserve the best” said Ellen and kissed her. “Now, let’s get back to your thesis. We have to do something done. She smiled to Frankie and she stroked Ellen’s hand. They got back to working.

~*~

After the doctorate meeting, Frankie asked Ellen if they maybe can grab a coffee and chat a little more because he did not want to stay alone with her thoughts again. They were just talking and enjoying time together until a message notification came to Nevada. She excused herself and looked at her phone. It was from Christina.

~*~

Ellen’s upset face remained with Frankie for a while when she was driving her old vintage car towards Sachs mansion. She was trying not to overthink. Christina was not contacting with her for ten days and just after one message saying that she is waiting for Frankie, the younger girl stopped what she was doing and get into the car. She knew she should not let herself be trapped in this but she could not resist. She was in love and nothing could stop her at this time from being vain. Well, maybe there was one thing but she did not let it mislead her this time. She parked her car in the lot and went inside. Christina was bringing the food on the table. She turned herself towards Frankie. “Hey” she said simply in her always flirty tone and this same sight that was able to get one knocked off one’s feet. Frankie did not say a thing, she just kissed Christina with rage and passion at the same time. “I see you’re angry” realised Christina without a care in her voice. “What’s going on?” “I was worried”. “Oh my goodness, we are sleeping together for what... five years now? Or six. I thought that you know me. Why were you worried?” every word was hurting Frankie more and more. Nevada held Christina’s face gently and put her hair behind her ear. They have never done it. It was emotional and Frankie saw scare in her lover’s eyes but then her facial expression changed and she finally assured herself that there was more than physical attraction from Christinea’s side. Nevada was always thinking it is but right now, she realised that all her thought about Christina being scared of love were true. The older woman held her hand and let herself and kissed her. Differently. It was finally what Frankie has always wanted to feel when Christina was putting her lips on hers. “I need to tell you something, baby.” started Christina and Nevada realised her heart was beating stronger and louder. “My husband will be joining as for dinner tonight. “I need to use the toilet” replied Frankie and went there. She was crying inaudibly. The tears were just coming down with all the bitterness she was overwhelmed by. Christina leaned on the table and closed her eyes for a while. She was not ready but she hated herself for hurting Frankie. They will never be together on the terms Nevada deserved but Christina could not live without her but it was to hard to digest for her. It was too much expression anyway. Brunette took a tiny package with white powder from the drawer and prepared some on the plate. She took one sniff to each nose hole and now she was not crying, just her eyes were bloody red and watering. She went upstairs to her garderobe and fixed that with make up.

~*~

Henry Sachs came home around 8 and they all sat at the table to eat. Henry was in a great mood, being nice without any rivalry in his voice. Maybe his transactions went well and he made lots of money. That would be an explanation fitting him the most. “This salad is perfect, my dear.” he complemented her wife and she smiled a bit peculiarly. “May we have some wine now?” he asked after the dish and Christina brought one. Frankie stood up to help Christina and Henry as well but he just laughed politely. “Go on, Frankie.” said Henry putting his hand on Frankie’s shoulder. It was quite ridiculous but Nevada was too tired to complain. They started drinking and went to the salon to sit on the sofa as Henry suggested. “I think you’re a great woman Frankie. I don’t know how Chris would go on without your help. And I also think you would be great at business. You’re doing your PhD now, aren’t you?” “Well, yes. I mean, I’d doing a doctorate on economics but I was never a leader of a company. I bet it’s different.” replied Frankie feeling the sparkle already as everybody else. “Frankie but you know I’ve been the CEO for like 20 years now and I don’t have even master’s degree. So, you should be really appreciated”. said Henry and clapped his hands. “I think she is appreciated.” broke suddenly Christina and took Frankie’s hand. She started to massage it. “I think you both appreciate each other properly and for that I’m very happy, so to speak”. said Henry and sipped some more wine. “Your wife is an incredible woman, it couldn’t be fair any other way” said Frankie looking into Christina’s eyes. She finally understood what brunette was up to. It made her feel disgusted but she also wanted it for her. Frankie kissed Christina’s hand and then looked briefly towards Henry. He loosened his tie and drank more wine. Christina moved on towards Frankie, sad on her knees facing the younger woman and kissed her passionately on the lips. Then she moved her hand closer to her husband and rubbed his arm. He rubbed it back. Christina turned her face towards Henry and kissed him while Frankie was having her on the knees still also trying to figure out what kind of the kiss was that. It was quite blind and strange or so she hoped. Christina moved her hand under Frankie’s shirt while kissing her now. Henry stood up and unzip his wife’s dress. Frankie took off his tie with one expressive movement. Henry looked suggestively towards the stairs. They went to the bedroom. Frankie was only thinking about avoiding this fucked up man putting anything into her but it was still as bad as it could be. Looking at Henry inside Christina made her wanna vomit so she was drinking during that moments. Anyway, she came into a strange realisation that felt like Christina’s strange way of saying something. When Henry was fucking her, it looked like blindness was in their eyes and that was just not right. Nevada has always thought that their sex is just a passion without not much feelings but she realised that she might be wrong and that Christina probably gives something more into that. It was still the strangest night of Frankie’s life. Even stranger were Henry’s eyes when he asked her to stay with them tonight. He hugged her like a child. On the other side of the bed was Christina who was kissing her on the neck for a little while before she fell asleep. Nothing could be more peculiar than this night.

#queer #lesbian #story #her portrait

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huggpheonix · 7 years

Text

More oc shit

"Why are you doing this?" Wolf asked in a strangled tone. It made chasir's heart go soft as he stopped the horse. "Your father is a horrible man." He replied. "My father is the greatest man of all time! He's twice as strong as you!" Eric cried, with tears in his eyes. Chasir frowned. Eric hastily punished himself for showing any sign of weakness. Wolf lay a hand on Eric's shoulder. He flinched away and for the first time, Chasir, saw fear in the little ones eyes. Once they were off the horse he offered a hand to Wolf. "It's okay.." Wolf said before jumping off and helping Eric. "I don't need your half hero blood on me." Eric snapped before jumping off. Wolf turned away with a blank face. "In here, follow me." The boys listened and promptly trailed Chasir. "Here, i gave you both separate rooms. When you feel up to it, you can come meet my wife." Wolf stared out the small window. He didn't reply. Eric sat down on the bed and sulked. "I hate it here." He concluded after Chasir had closed the door. "We.. We..don't have a choice, Eric." "It's all your fault. You couldn't be born properly, huh?" He said sharply. Wolf looked down. "I-I don't think it's my fault, for having inherited mom's genes.." "Mother wasn't there for us, Wolf. Father was. And now that stupid man took us away! Wolf, don't you see?" Wolf continued to stare down at nothing. Eric sighed, "there's a war happening, behind us. That man took us away from the heat of the battle! We are natural warriors, its up to us-" "Shut.up." Wolf growled. Eric glared, "you always seemed to be father's favourite. But in the end, you turn-" "I didn't fucking turn against him! He hurt mother." Wolf blurted. "What?" Eric asked. Wolf widened his eyes at what he had just admitted. "Father... Would never.. He told us.. That.. Mother left us.." "He told us many things, Eric." Wolf said quietly. "I don't believe you. Its in your blood to lie." "He told me many times i wouldn't measure up. He told us it was normal to be hit. But.. I don't really think it was.." "Wolf.. I cant believe anything you say, after what you did to him." "You don't even ever listen to reason!" He replied. "I know what i saw. You standing over him, with blood on your hands. Bright red." Wolf winced. Eric continued. "You never were good at fighting against him. So at the last second, you retaliated and that awful half-hero junk awakened." Wolf said nothing. Chasir knocked on the door an hour later. Eric swung it open and glared at the man. "Yeah? What do you want?" "I have prepared food, for all of us." He offered with a kind smile. "I don't want to eat your food." Wolf glanced up and saw the hurt look on the man's face. "Wolf?" Chasir asked. "I'm not hungry..." He said before laying down. Chasir nodded and retreated downstairs. 30 minutes later or so, Wolf got up. 'Dinner should be done with.' He thought. Quietly he slunk down the stairs and to the living room. He glanced into the dining room. What he saw made his heart ache, Chasir and his wife eating together. They smiled at each other with this longing in their eyes. Or sadness. Wolf sighed and walked in. "Hey.. May i join you two?" He asked wearily. Chasir's face lit up considerably. His wife smiled brightly and offered an empty chair. Wolf gave a barely noticeable grin before taking a seat. Chasir offered the potatoes and Wolf took them. The bowl turned out to be heavy, as Wolf winced. The pressure it put on his bruised arm was immense. He put them down before taking a moment. "Are you okay?" His wife asked. Wolf frowned. "What do you mean?" He uttered out. "Do you need help?" "Help? You mean.. With my.. Food?" Chasir's eyebrows knitted together and something gave way to his face. Concern? "No.. No.. Don't." He said way too quickly. "Nonsense." His wife said before chasir could stop her. "I don't need.. Help." He said weakly. His wife frowned and layed a hand on his shoulder. Chasir smacked his forehead quietly. She picked up the bowl of potstoes and scooped some onto the plate for him. Wolf got this sad sfot look on his face and meakly uttered a thank you. She shook her head. Wolf and Rae sat side by side just like four years before when Wolf would hold Rae tight. Wolf glanced at Rae's bruised face and scarrs, her eyebrow and her swollen lip. He layed a hand down on hers and she shied away, "Why'd you come back?" She asked finally, breaking the silence. Wolf sighed. "I had been on quite a journey searching for Eric... But in the end, i guess it just wasnt meant to be.. Then Margo found me." "Thats bullshit. You know it too Wolf. We've fought the same battles, if you want something, you fight tooth and nail for it, and you never give up." Rae said sharply. Wolf had been staring at her eyes. The eyes that hadnt lost the surge of hope. "Margo doesnt know does he... it... never gets easier.. Does it." He said quietly. Rae widened her eyes. "How do you know?" She asked. But she didnt have to search his face or his collarbones. She could see it clearly in his eyes. One green and the other hazel. "Its.. Not really easy to say.. but, I know one thing.. You need to get rid of that in your life, I mean. Its not good, its never good." "Its been happening for months... Months, Wolf.. Im so fucking tired of it all.. And now Margos back asking me for his hand in marriage? No.." She had become teary eyed and tears streamed down quietly. Wolf gently pulled her in for a hug and Rae tensed for a moment before she realised that he wasnt going to hurt her. Not in the way that she'd been senslessly beaten time and time again. Not in the way she'd been left.. He was her brother. They held each other for quite a time. "Do you want to talk about it?" He whispered. Rae shivered. "She said she'd change. She'd never do it again." She choked out. Wolf nodded. "At first it was the odd insult.. But it escalated." Rae finished when she couldnt say anymore. Wolf was burning with fury. Inside he swallowed it and felt it like a dragon in the pit of coals. It was cold fury. He swallowed his anger and blew out a breath. "My father... Was a terrible man." He said quietly. Rae stared in horror at Wolf. His face bore old scars and his collarbones were still purple. "He reminded me every day just how much he hated me, every single fucking day." Rae hugged Wolf snuggly. "I met Alphasay one day... He was a great mentor... He didnt teach me to fight.. He taught me to always accept others. He was a great man." Wolf snored silently he was keeping watch but had fallen asleep. Gared watched him with a fond look one that spoke wonders. He reached out a hand to caress his sleeping face because he knew he was a heavysleeper... But at that moment he heard commotion outside. He stood up and decided that wolf needed a break so he went outside to see the problem. A tall woman towered over the civilians and crushed a nearby house with her foot. Gared took out his knife and jumped onto some boxes making his way onto her shoulder. "What are you doing?!" He cried into her ear. "Youre the guard keeper!? I would like to take back whats mine!!!" She bellowed and swung at her shoulder. Gared hopped off and landed on the ground doing a barrel roll. It was sloppy so he hurt his leg. He winced at the pressure being put on it but continued to dodge her attacks. "What is yours?!" He yelled once again. He thought he needed to get her out of the village and into the forest. So they did a waltz of attacks and dodges. "I need my treasure!!!" She took out a huge rusted blade and slammed it to the ground. The ground shook and out jumped a small girl dressed in all red. She had super speed and swiped at Gared. He dodged until he hit a tree. She stabbed him in the shoulder and then tore down his muscles. He screamed, absolutely screamed. "Ahhh!!!" He roared tears rushing down his face and blood pouring out of his arm. The giantess lifted the sword and the girl bowed. The giantess leaned down. "Where is my---" Wolf dug a huge blade into her cheek and she cried out in agony. He pushed with all his might to make her fall. She dropped like a sack of potatoes. "Gared!!! Gared!!! Can you hear me?! Its gonna be alright.." He urged at him. He took out the blade gingerly and gared fell. Wolf caught him and held him upright. "We're gonna get you to Juke okay?" He said frantically. He was just about to get out when the giant swept at him. He pushed gared off of him and rolled him to the edge of the forest. He was slammed into a tree and he gritted his teeth. He opened his eyes and they glowed. He transformed into a grotesque wolf and lunged at the giant. Meanwhile a civilian had hauled seen the injured gared just as wolf had killed the giantess. She fell and he fell. The last thing he saw was two women hauling them to Juke. "Him first!" He panted weakly. "Shhh.." She said. He awoke with a start and sat up tearing the restraints keeping him there. He ripped off the brain wave manager and scratched at his iv. "Whoa! Whoa! Wolf buddy. Settle the fuck down." Juke seethed pushing on Wolf's shoulders. Wolf flinched and continued. "Where is he." He managed to choke out. "Ah, Gared huh? Well, if youll give me a dreyted second Id tell you. Blists. Calm. Ill help you. Youve sustained a couple non life threatening injuries but your little boyfriend had his arm torn right off, really grissly like, so as a good healer and friend i cleaned that up and had some excellent healers seal the wound. Unfortunately, in other news, hes got..." Wolf glared at him. " what?" "Hes got blood poisoning, that rusty blade imbedded into his arm, or lack there of, was full of little pollutens and germs and of course the most unfortante and pain in the ass blood poisoing. Even i myself couldnt find a way to take it out of him. Im sorry wolf. I really am." Juke had gotten sympathetic fast. "The bad news is that I as a top notch healer dont possess the rare ability of blood healing. I can only do the mundane battle wounds and horrible brain stuff. The other bad news is also that rare blood healers are almost extinct, the whole clan was just wiped out man. Just woosh gone. But there still remains four in the world. Theres still more bad news, the blood disease eats veins and skin and slurps on blood, so weve got two days to find one or else it will reach his lungs. And boy, you better hope it doesnt reach his lungs.." Wolf had his face in his hands and was pulling at his hair. How could he be so stupid?! Falling asleep now his friend was going to die... "Wait.. You dont have blood healing? Theres still four?! Where can i find one?! I want to help!! Ill do anything," Juke smirked. "I knew i always liked you, so impulsive and caring. Alright, I know of one named Questenianassi, she dwells below the river in grustenik, the faraway village. She literally lives under the bridge, go figure huh? Anyways shes really fucking deadly and can really kick my ass in two seconds so watch out. Shes very untrusting to other people. Id tell you the backstory but its not my place to say. If she can kick my ass in two seconds then she can do you in a blink. Shes really cool though. Bring her back within two days or risk losing the little boy you have an obvious crush on." "Hes not-- " he stopped and rubbed his eyes. "Hes just a really good friend. Questenianassi in grustenik village." "Oh right also, bring her this letter, and one of your belongings and find some scrap metal too, we dont have many useful scouters here." He scrawled out a letter and gave it to him. "One of my belongings.." "Like a necklace or knife. Has to have your blood on it." "Cool story, we used to go to healer academics, and we were in the same class, she like really loved making flowers out of thin air and i couldnt do that so we were all alone in gym class because we werent good, well, i wasnt good, she just broke her leg so she showed me how to do this cool flower thing and weve been very good friends ever since. If you know what i mean." Wolf raised an eyebrow. " i really dont juke, but Ill do it." He put the letter in his jacket pocket and went into the hospital healing room. Gared lay squirming and writhing in comatose pain. Wolf held his heart and sat on the bed. He put a hand on gared's chest and said a prayer. He kissed Gared's forehead and made a promise. He got up and left. He thanked juke and told him he'd be back. Juke gave him a smouldering look and nodded. Questenianassi scowled at the visitor and lowered the knife. She took the letter too and tossed it into the fire. "What have you brought me in return to help you." Wolf smacked his forehead and hung his head. "Im really really sorry Questenianassi." He apologised. She merely regarded him with amusement. "How arrogant of you not to bare gifts, especially to a stranger, one of whom, can clean blood and take heads off." She condescended. Wolf only rubbed his eyes and hair and sweated through his palms. "Im really--" "Ive heard you boy. You should know that in the past, ive been tricked. By your kind. Humans and Gale alike. They would ask me of great deeds and favors and I would deliver only out of the good of my heart. There they would take me only to take a knife to my throat. They almost did it once too. To rid the world of its healers. Of nature. Is to bring the world to a standstill. To a heaving thrashing pile of nothing." She spoke with such spite that it made Wolf kneel. He spoke lowly and of honor. "Im very sorry of my foolish ancestor's behavior.. And of humankinds behavior toward you all... Im so very very sorry of our srupid ways. Our fears.. May i be granted the privelige to speak?" He asked and said. She looked at him curiously and crossed her legs bringing a hand to rest against her temple. " this should be good. What is it. A girl? You need a girl to love you right? Thats it, isnt it. Or, or, you need to take the throne." Wolf flared and lifted his head up glaring at her. He stood up against his better judgement. "I do not force girls at my feet, i refuse the title that comes with the throne. I come here and ask and plead and beg. Beg you, with upmost loyalty and my word that i will not hurt you. I come here... Because the boy... My friend.. He is terribly hurt,... Terribly wounded... He lays dying and my only hope is you.. Please... Your honor your majesty... I come here on my knees pleading for you to heal my friend.." Questenassi stood up and pulled him up. "What are you kneeling for. Weve got your friend to heal. But one wrong move and i will kill you." Wolf nodded frantically. Rae kissed Margo fully on the mouth and Margo kissed back. They held like that for maybe 15 seconds before Rae let go. "Ayyyy... You two... I always knew you two had chemistry.." "Juke! You asshole. How long have you been standing there?" "How long has Margo been awake?" Rae flushed a deep scarlet and sat down beside him. "Hey loook, you two lovebirds do it up, ok? I just came to take a class, is all." Rae glared at him. " whats that supposed to mean?" "It means, you two got chemistry and Im taking the class. Was that joke not abundantly clear? Margo, come on. You got it... Didnt you?" "Juke.. No offense but.. I cant tell when youre joking or being serious." "Ah forget it. None of you get my comedy. Only that little boy Gared does, man... Do we ever have some good laughs... Anyways Margooooo, just came to tell you youre lifesi not in danger, the wounds arent terrible and.. I did a bang up patch job. Hey Rae?" "I gotta hand it to you Juke. He looks fine." "Yep see? Aight, imma leave you two. Alone. Dont get too wild now." She kicked him harshly in the jaw knocking him backwards. He landed in a heap on the ground dropping his bag full of money. He groaned in pain but scrambled up the same grabbing at the money, "Why are you bad guys all the same? Same motives, same greed." She drawled grabbing the bag from his clutches. He held his jaw and gritted his teeth. "Bad guy?! Kid!! This isnt any movie! Im not evil! No ones evil, youre fighting for an unjust cause." He spat glaring at the girl above him, She looked perplexed at him. "What do you mean... Bad people steal..." "I have three kids waiting at home for me. Theyre all hungry. I got two girls and one little baby boy... I dont want my baby girl having to help support us.." Crosshex crossed her arms and took him by the arm. "What are you---" They transported. They stood on top of a rooftop. "You say im misguided. Im intrigued. Tell me about your situation." "Youre that vigilante girl huh.. I know stealing is not right... But... Im only doing it for my kids.. I just need enough for rent and food." Crosshex crossed her legs. "Whats your name." "James Alexander." "Well James. I guess those kids are gonna eat good for a couple nights." James hugged her. "Ill hold the police off from finding you. You just focus on those kids alright.., "You wont regret this.." "Ill help you. I will. You want to have him for a boyfriend? Ill do it." "Wait, Julian... Where are you going?" "I need to get home. You and Jake just hit it up, stay safe!" Ranea frowned. The girl from the neptune atlantis story has a scar just resting above her collarbones and extedning down her chest to her ribs. It was pale pink and she looked very ashamed to have it. "I wont stare. You can just put your clothes there ancill start the fire." They sit at the fire. "When i was young, the sorter picked me because he saw great beauty in my face. He knew with just the litle coral that he had, that he could make a great assistant to him. And so he poured the sand into me and i was revived. I had no heart, but now my heart is of the sea, and that is why i can never leave. I can never leave the ocean. For i am bound, and i owe my life to it." "Im sorry." "You had nothing to do with it. " "No, im sorry we got off to a bad start. I was just angry with myself mostly, because i let myself die. And now im talking about myself, which makes me angry. Im sorry." "Its fine." The girl who was bound to the ocean is given a necklace which allows her to go sbove the sea for extended periods of time. The girl gives it to her and she washes up on the shore, able to start her life anew. But she returns.

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