#i'm in the therapist bracket lol

[seriousturd]

#lesbian #gay #bisexual #trans #nonbinary #asexual #pansexual #pride #lgbt #coming out #tumblr polls #lgbt poll #i'm in the therapist bracket lol #i'm curious bc i don't know many lgbt people irl

[vroomian]

which would be funnier? hana in blue lock immediately or hana in blue lock AFTER her terrible i-want-a-refund KNB experience?

oh after knb would be funnier for sure. hana goes from 'wow i hate basketball' to 'wow soccer players are all freaks! take me back to basketball land please!'. Of course, by the end of hh i don't know that hana would even bother staying in the blue lock program because she has like, friends and a girlfriend and zero desire to play sports lol.

so if i was gonna do an au it'd have to be something like she never met kise (this is a same universe thing i guess!) and instead went through life alone. she's already tried to commit suicide by this point and her parents were so upset that she agreed to go to therapy. her therapist had her pick one hobby to try out and she decided on soccer at random.

naturally, she's really fucking good. hana definitely has the personality to be a striker lol. her life could've been so much easier if she just gave in to people's expectations of her instead of going 'how about i do what i want forever'. i think her parents were so thrilled that they pulled strings to get her into the blue lock program despite her gender. ego was interested enough that he agreed. She's not in the same group as isagi at first, instead, she is the only one in her group to make it to the second round. She made it by carrying her team lol.

then all the freaks start to come out of the woodwork and hana goes owo? whats this? like-minded peers to trash talk and bully? who are awful in a way that makes me look normal??? and her life gets significantly more hilarious.

i imagine that reo def knows who she is because they're in the same tax bracket, he tries to trash talk her on how she's only here because ego wanted her parent's money so he made an exception. and hana gets to go "Obviously, I'm an exception. Im exceptional."

and this is just a normal thing for a striker to say, god bless them :')

(hana probaly gets along most with nagi. they're both pretty chill)

#you've got questions we've got answers #bllk #hh aus #hana would have a lot of fun grinding her opponents into dust i imagine #hana won't improve but she will get worse in fun new ways! #hh #no romance in this one i think

[goldkirk]

Top 10 mental health/similar books you've read in the past year? (or documentaries, or podcasts, anything is cool!)

this is gonna be all over the place and way more than just 10, sorry, but i'd say my top most impactful things-of-any-type I've encountered in the past year are the following.

Books:

The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog

Reparenting the Child Who Hurts

Take Back Your Life

Zak George's Dog Training Revolution

When the Body Says No

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

The Case Against Conversion "Therapy": Evidence, Ethics, and Alternatives

On Tyranny

Random:

Plato's allegory of the cave

How Tax Brackets Actually Work

UV Camera Reveals The Best Way to Apply Sunscreen to Your Face

Rhett's story of his personal religious deconstruction timeline

This guy's gut wrenchingly honest, timeline-jumping, clearly articulated, and wryly humorous series explaining his long and truly wild journey to atheism

This 6 minute interview with Liz Hunter where she talks about growing up in a cult without realizing it

Church Services Are Designed to Influence You. Here's How.

Former Evangelical leader Josh Harris on renouncing Christianity

therapist talking about the lies purity culture tells women

a therapist's take on religions and emotional manipulation

Polygamist Cult Founder’s Daughter, Rachel Jeffs, Gives Her First TV Interview

Evangelical blinders/guarding your heart

Big Joel's video on anti-abortion propaganda (large focus on the movie Unplanned)

I fantasized about martyrdom too

Omnipotence paradox & laws of logic

"Cults Inside Out" with Rick Alan Ross

An analysis of the Christian martyr complex via the first three God's Not Dead movies

Raised in a cult and finding her voice (an interview with Liz Hunter)

No True Joy Outside the Church?

Pray Away: A Therapist's Take on Conversion Therapy

Nothing Fails Like Bible History - Episode 1

Personal Autonomy Post-Religion

WHAT do you do after LEAVING a cult? (life after the moonies) (this girl is SO FUNNY)

TheraminTrees's (therapist) YouTube videos, especially:

betting on infinity

rebuttals to 'betting on infinity'

false equivalence | qualiasoup and theramintrees

punishing doubt | religious condemnation of thought

'science' of the gaps

commanded to love | performing false emotions for tyrants

grooming minds | the abuse of child indoctrination

degrading love -- part one | how religions distort the meaning of 'love'

degrading love -- part two | how religions distort the meaning of 'love'

living with abusers

imaginary defects | when dogmas label us flawed

creating sickness | recovering from religion

Philosophy Tube's YouTube videos, especially:

Abortion & Ben Shapiro (you might need to pause this one a few times just to mull things over on your own time)

Ignorance & Censorship

Queer✨

Logic

Who's afraid of experts?

Identity: A Trans Coming Out Story

Social Constructs

The Hidden Rules of Modern Society

FundieFriday's YouTube videos, especially:

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY

THE CREATION MUSEUM & ARK ENCOUNTER

RESIDENTIAL SCHOOLS

The post 9/11 Evangelical fever dream that is Jesus Camp

MICHAEL & DEBI PEARL

THE MARTYRS OF COLUMBINE

iilluminaughtii's youtube videos, especially:

The Abusive Practices of Focus on the Family

The IBLP & ATI

Ex-Fundie Diaries' YouTube videos, especially:

Christian Nationalist Child Indoctrination Cult: AWANA

Christian Nationalist Propaganda | Inside My Homeschool "Science" Binder

Christian fundamentalism doesn't always look like the Duggars

Anxiety & Anger Are a Sin in Christian Fundamentalism | Emotional Child Abuse

Child Abuse | Spanking, Neglect, & Psychological Punishments in Christian Fundamentalism

Documentaries:

Scientology and the Aftermath

Pray Away

Seduced: Inside the NXIVM Cult

Lots of others on YouTube and Netflix I'm sorry it's just hard to dig them all up lol, if I have energy some other time I will

Hope this helps someone!

#thanks anon!! #i always love a chance to talk about things that made a difference in my own views or growth #reference #2022 #2021 #resources #undoing indoctrination #trauma #trauma recovery

[nancydrewwouldnever]

I'm not a therapist but I wonder if his thing of following 20 years old women, saying all the time he is old and linking himself to AB is a way to try of not recognize or escape from the fact he is indeed getting old? I'm 37 and I take care of my health, hut I'm pretty aware that my body is not the same at my 20s. I don't have the same level of energy lol. I am totally ok with it, because nowadays I appreciatte different things and different experiences. So I wonder if he, besides the looks of the women he used follow and that he obviously like, he thinks he will be able to feel "young" again by keeping the same habits?

Personally, I feel it has to do with working in an industry that worships youth to the point of fetishization. Everything is fine and dandy as long as you're still in the age bracket that they so value, but the minute you age out of that, they will make you feel it. He's lucky enough to be a man instead of a woman, so they'll continue to value him for a few years more, but you can imagine the comments he's getting behind the scenes. It's bound to mess with anyone's mind.

#ask

[dallonwrites]

4, 9, 17 perhaps? 👀👄👀🤲

ANYTHING FOR YOU BESTIE....

Favorite paragraph you wrote this year?

HAS to be this one from the rabbit knows how to bury itself. obsessed with it since day 1. my workshop didn't really love it but i believed in her and i'm so glad i did. also it's been over a year and a half since i came up with "Opheliean threat" and it still is so good (i don't know how obvious this is without the rest of the story but basically the idea is she's listing off all the things she told her felix on the phone, and the parts in brackets are the truths she didn't tell)

Sometimes, on the phone, she lied. It was her routine, her ritual. She had to construct her reality. She had to look free. She told him, I don’t like Dotty anymore, it’s Dorothy. It makes people believe I’m whimsical. I work at a botanical garden where I steal monarch butterflies to press and sell. I house sit for a CEO and sometimes at midnight, I float in the middle of the pool fully clothed, like an Opheliean threat. I live with a mother who discounts my rent because she believes I’m the reincarnation of her drowned daughter. (I never told you, how I live alone and steal oranges from the neighbour’s yard and pretend they’re gifts. That I cut my hair with kitchen scissors to afford rent. That I told my therapist my brother died in a boating accident and now he makes me go on sea tours as exposure therapy.) She told him, I book motel rooms and replace bedside Bible’s with polaroids of me. One time God spoke to me in the form of a forest fire, and no, I can’t tell you what she said but maybe I’ll hide it in my stories, so you better listen. (I never told you, that I just wanted my voice to be razor and I wanted you to worship it. I wanted you to believe I’m deadly.)

Most important writing lesson you learned this year?

one thing i kept telling myself during nano was "if i write something and the prose is bad it doesn't matter because i still love the story" and i think that applies to just. everything for me like! of course it's frustrating when the writing isn't going as you'd like, if a story you love gets rejected a bunch etc, but you still have the love for that story and that love is so important to remember when we can easily get caught up in everything else, especially everything that isn't going right. of course, sometimes i don't love my stories or even like them LOL, but i find that even when i'm struggling that bad with a wip the love is always somewhere. because that's why i start a wip in the first place (and sometimes the most loving thing to do with both yourself and wip is to admit you no longer love it </3 obsessed with the dramatism there)

What song(s) did you listen to while writing?

i don't know if i can name a lot of specific songs but! the winter's slaughter and revelations, revelations playlists are on my spotify! i count things like brainstorming as writing and let me tell you, the amount i figure out just by having these playlists on loop. especially with RR, the minute i start listening to 80s and 70s music again i am instantly dropped back into that world! can't wait for the RR reboot!

for actually writing words i basically listened to the whole soundtrack for the walking dead game (which is sooo much better than the show for the record) for winter's slaughter. i remember when i was drafting how does an orca pray i just straight up listened to whale noises LOL it was really fun. but besides specific instances like that i usually just listen just any soft/acoustic instrumental stuff. special shoutout to @coffeeandcalligraphy's writing sprint videos, the music really fits that vibe!

writing wrapped asks

[britnxyspears]

I can get through anything the fact is I shouldn't have to and therefore... I don't want to.

This is what they meant by ignorance is bliss if I still believed everyone within my tax bracket has it this badly in life I wouldnt lose all motivation to just grin and bare it

but now that I found out other people have actually had it easier their whole lives despite income I'm actually just so incapable of trying to have a good outlook on anything. Why did my family fuck me over this badly why did my disabilities fuck me over so much I feel in comparison to disabled ppl I know irl. Like I never want to be a victim but at the same time I feel like 70% of me not wanting to be a victim is some acquired internalized ableism in and of itself. I just dont want to seem like a Taylor Swift lol. But god DAMN finding out you have been taking a harder test than others without knowing it leaves you feeling distressed. :/

I sometimes wish my mom miscarried me which is a terrible thing to say as a disabled person but I really do feel so fucking useless and like everyone is walking on eggshells with me bc they dont want me to feel like that and I still do in fact feel like this. I cant do anything right. My own body can't do anything right. It's not even my body's fault so I can't even be angry at myself but being angry at myself is the only acceptable outlet. Otherwise I think I'm just going to sound like I'm trying to be oppressed or whatever (which is what most therapists have insinuated about me to the point where I'm hyper aware of it now lmao)

[bisluthq]

Also "grown ups" don't have a lot of people to vent, something I learned recently. Like, yeah, you have fam, you have friends to shit talk over life and you might even have a husband to obsess over joever with, but sometimes you really need a therapist to trauma dump about everything and everyone and when you don't have that you might end up oversharing too much online.

ngl I do use you as my personal diary for the FUN unhinged stuff because you're very validating with your 💯 and we must be close in age bc when there's a major overreaction in swiftland I always come here to see to say the same thing. Like, the human exchange is good, you know? When it's positive. I only ever share stuff I know YOU would think it's hilarious instead of just making my irl zillenial friends chuckle into their drinks and avoid eye contact.

But at the end of the day you still need a therapist for the deep, dark and (sadly not often) hard stuff. Otherwise you might go

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH" - Swift, Scott.

But I don't imagine a cis, wealthy, white, male boomer to have one before the meltdown to the wrong person.

I like him a lot more now unfortunately.

(Once again, pray tumblr doesn't eat my ask while I'm here. I'm going to a country house with no reception in 24 hours to hopefully hug a cow like those tiktoks and i need to purge all my chronically online thoughts real quick)

Scott def should’ve put a lot of that to a therapist or written it in his diary instead of talking to a paid employee but hell lol the man was going through a lot. He was up a tax bracket, had just spent a shitton of money, was commuting cross country for work, had just said bye to a beloved family property, had a shitty marriage, survived cancer, and his dick wasn’t getting hard. My guy was going through the mostest.

Glad I provide a good avenue for you to feel better tho queen and enjoy the cows 🐮

[crawling-out-look-peer-be]

I saw the mystery machine!

I have decided that I need to restart my weight loss efforts. I need to reset the way that I've been looking at it.

I have, what seems to be like, a reverse body dysmorphia. 🤔 I tend to see my body as smaller than what it is, especially at home when looking in the mirror or the days that I'm working out, but when I see photos of me or see other women I am, sometimes, made acutely aware that I am not as well in shape as I perceive.

It shatters me.

I know from previous journal entries of mine, offline, that I have a consistent trend of delusions of grandeur, especially with regards to beauty and status. I may actually be sabotaging myself because of those ideas, as they contradict what my current life is like. Reality is hard for me to wrestle with.

Even my goals become warped beneath those grand imaginings. I simultaneously want the most gorgeous goddess like body, full figured, while also wanting to be thin and smooth, while also wanting to be muscular and strong, while also wanting to be a man. In the end, I dream of each scenario because I associate a status of a beautiful appearance, or a powerful appearance, as highly regarded. That associates with being better than other people, so I am then admired, respected, and valuable enough that people gawk over me or worship me.

Which isn't going to happen, lol.

And, even if it did, I know from my previous experiences of receiving praise for good work, I am left hallow because I am not treated like a diety.

This goes so far into the deep end that my weight and physical appearance is an expression of my deep psyche and I am always in an uphill battle with it.

If I were to be frank, I would like to be on the larger side, for feelings of safety. I do admire a built physique in the way that I am able to serve people by being strong, lifting things for them or aiding in daily activities and supporting their weight. I do imagine more of a lumberjack sitting by the fire after a long day of work, with obvious musculature to arms, chest, back, and legs, with a light in the eyes and a warm friendliness akin to Santa Claus. I do feel drawn to that in the most humble of senses.

My therapist spoke about how everything that I want could be true. I don't have to feel like I am one or the other, but that I do want all of these experiences. It is now my job to make a choice with all of the things that I want.

Sitting here, pondering and placing the phone down, I just want the best that my body can be. Thinner overall. Stronger overall. Mobile. Good endurance. Ya know, just functional.

So, I am currently at 239lbs.

I have a primary goal of reaching below 200. I would like to see 199lbs.

So, the first bit will be aiming to lose 40lbs.

My BMR is, currently, 1,825 calories.

My sedentary is 2,190

Light activity is 2,509

And moderate is 2,829.

I have been consistently working out 6 days a week since the end of January, I sometimes miss my sixth day, and do a weightlifting session with a WOD at the end. This is a great success and most of my lifts have increased. My physique from the last time I was around 240 does not look similar to where I am now. Past 220lbs me looks like current 239lbs me, which is kind of crazy!

Anyways, that would probably fit me in the light to moderate activity bracket.

So, if I aim for 2,000 calories a day, then I will be set up for 1lbs weight loss a week. 😀

This means that I should reach 199lbs by March 3rd, 2023.

This is both inspiring and disappointing. Lmao. I am excited to lose this weight, the fat, and if I am going to lose it in 10 months, then so be it. It is better for it to come off in 10 months than me giving up because it was too hard. Plus, the results are inevitable. 🤷‍♀️ I just gotta work hard and keep going on.

I will weigh myself once a month. Even though I don't want to adhere to this, I think that once a month will more accurately track an overarching trend and will not enable me weasling out of the goal of less food consumption by rationalizing that I lost weight though! See! Food doesn't make me fat!

Yes it does. And when I'm having a bad day, that thought is enough for me to eat poorly.

Okay. So it's settled. March 3rd, 2023, I will be 199lbs.

[unrealisticexpectationss]

A Big, Steaming Pile of Emotional Shit

Sometimes I get so fucking bored on here. I'm definitely not following as many people as I had before, but like fuck. Once you cross the upper 20s bracket, you're in no man's land.

I can't follow anyone under 28, it's just too sad and I wish no one had to deal with this and it makes me think of my sister. I would be devastated if I knew she had an eating disorder. Thank fucking anything she doesn't, but every young woman or girl I see on here reminds me of her. And it's just so sad.

I wish I could grow out of my eating disorders like I've outgrown fucking tumblr.

I'm not as depressed and angry as I have been in the past, I'm actually pretty happy, which also doesn't fit here anymore lmao. My old blog was all about depression and suicide, and I still have those days. Those deep dark fucking days where I can't remember why the fuck I'm still here. But then those days go, and better ones come back and it just gets better. Somehow it always does.

So I guess I've just flipped the switched my mindset from 'bad days always come back' to 'good days always come back.' Either way it's technically the same exact thing, just a different perspective.

I'm rambling out of boredom, but, I just needed this emotional dump lol. I can't wait for my therapist to be back from maternity leave. I don't plan on telling her where I'm at with my ed, just that I've stopped purging. Which is like... 95% true.

Sometimes I grapple with the fact that this disorder is literally a part of me. Something that can't be removed. Something essential.

It's been 19 years since my first binge, 17 years from my first purge, and 14 years since I actively and repeatedly chose not to eat.

I don't remember a year where I wasn't actively disordered or where I didn't relapse. I'm shocked that I'm not dead. Those are probably famous last words to put out into the universe, because I swear to fucking anything, every time I purge I say a prayer or a wish or whatever that I don't die.

Don't get me wrong, I have hoped for death. I have wished for it. But I could never leave behind that mess. I could never do that to my sister, to my boyfriend, to my friends and family (non-biological, ftr). I'm lucky to have that, I know.

But even with all of that, I still can't fucking stop. My boyfriend and I are talking marriage and kids now, something I never thought I'd have because I didn't think I would live this long. I never thought I would find someone to want those things with and for. It scares me more than anything I've been through in my life, and I have been through a fucking LOT.

I'm not sure what my life is going to look like at any point really, but I do want to be there. So, I'm just a fucked up adult now, doing my best with what I've got. Being the best person I can be. Being kind and understanding, and so much more loving and caring now than I have ever been.

So if this fucking disorder ever takes me, I just hope the people I love know I tried my absolute fucking best.

10/9/21

#tw ed journal #tw ed talk #tw ed thoughts